Work Text:
November 2022
Shane didn’t mind not being the captain of the Ottawa Centaurs.
Truly, he didn’t.
Of course he’d been the captain of every other hockey team he’d been on since his peewee days, but you could still be a leader without wearing the C on your chest. He was still massively respected by everyone in the Centaurs organization. That counted for something.
So no, Shane didn’t mind.
What did bother him was even though he was married to the actual captain of the Ottawa Centaurs, they often had to drive separate cars to the practice rink because Ilya had important captain duties to oversee that didn’t include Shane. Sometimes Shane drove home after practice alone.
Again, Shane didn’t mind.
Only, he’d forgotten what it was like to miss Ilya. It had only been two hours since he’d seen Ilya, but Shane stupidly missed his stupid husband and his stupid face. He used to go days and weeks and sometimes whole entire months without seeing Ilya and he’d been just fine. He’d been a completely functional adult whether Ilya Rozanov was plastered against his side or not. But after three months of marriage and one month of playing on the same team together, Shane had maybe, possibly grown a little unused to being alone. At least he had Anya for company even if she was asleep and snoring in the dog bed by the fireplace.
God, he was pathetic.
He could never let Ilya know any of this.
Ilya, blessedly, chose that moment to walk through the door, keys dangling from one hand, the other hand cupping his oddly rounded jacket. Was Ilya hiding another injury from him? It did look like maybe he had an ice pack strapped to his ribs.
“Did you hurt yourself?” Shane asked as he moved closer to Ilya to inspect the lump. “We didn’t even go that hard at practice!”
“No,” Ilya said slowly, setting his keys on the counter, but conveniently keeping the kitchen island between himself and Shane. “Is not an injury.”
Shane’s eyes instantly narrowed into something more suspicious. “What are you hiding in there then?”
Ilya at least had the decency to look a little sheepish. “Is surprise for you.”
Shane took a step closer, praying Ilya wasn’t going to unzip his coat and dump out multiple sex toys. Because that was definitely something that had happened before, and they really didn’t need any more. Okay, maybe one or two wouldn’t hurt, but they certainly didn’t need a jacket full. They were running out of room for all of them. “A good surprise or a surprise that only you think is funny because you’re an asshole?”
“Is good surprise, I promise!” Ilya insisted but Shane knew that face too well. He was Up to Something.
And that Something decided at that precise moment to pop its head out of Ilya’s jacket.
“A cat?”
The thing definitely had whiskers.
Ilya grinned lopsidedly. “Surprise!”
Shane took another hesitant step forward. “Did you steal someone’s cat?”
“I would never.” Ilya cradled the cat closer to him. “I found him by the dumpsters behind the rink. He was all alone and so scared. I could not just leave him.”
“And what were you doing by the dumpsters at the rink?”
“Nothing.” But Ilya looked away.
Shane tilted his head suspiciously. “Were you smoking?”
“Absolutely not.” Ilya was indignant. “Cigarettes are for special occasions only, like I promise.”
Shane sniffed the air around Ilya, careful to avoid the cat now peering out from the safety of Ilya’s jacket. Ilya certainly didn’t smell like smoke. Shane would never utter it to Ilya, but Ilya had always looked so fucking hot post-coital, cigarette hanging dangerously out of his mouth. But Shane did have to admit that Ilya had been true to his word; smoking was a once or twice a year occasion now. He hadn’t managed to get Ilya to quit other bad habits like McGriddles or eggnog, but Shane was in it for the long haul. He was willing to lose a few battles knowing he’d eventually win the war.
What he didn’t expect was that apparently another of Ilya’s bad habits was collecting homeless creatures.
“I was being nice guy, helping Harris take out some trash.”
“I super believe that.”
“And then we hear tiniest meow. So sad, Shane. Harris nearly cried.”
“I can imagine,” Shane deadpanned.
“I think, will be dark soon. I must come to aid of tiny friend, yes?”
“I’m pretty sure cats can see just fine in the dark.”
Ilya brushed this comment aside. “And then I remember, long time ago, my boyfriend, real uptight kind of guy, says cats are better because they are less work than a dog. I have my sweet Anya now, who is no trouble at all, but this boyfriend—husband now, I couldn’t help myself even if he is very high maintenance, more than dog—still, he has no cat. And maybe this cat could be for him.”
Shane refused to be touched by that. But damnit if Ilya’s soft heart wouldn’t be the death of him, one of these days.
The cat, deciding it was safe to be curious, poked its head farther out of Ilya’s nest. It looked a little grubby around the ears, but also remarkably soft with white tufts of fluffy fur, graying around their ears, nose, and vibrant yellow eyes.
“Thank you, Ilya,” Shane said and meant it. “That’s actually pretty sweet of you.”
“Yes, I thought so,” said Ilya proudly. “You are welcome.”
Shane had never spent much time around animals, had never had a pet as a kid, but he’d fallen in love with Anya—maybe not as much as Ilya, but a normal amount. A friend for Anya would be a good thing. And also, Shane thought mutinously, another friend for himself when Ilya had captainy things to do without him.
Shane reached out a tentative hand to pet the cat. The cat promptly hissed and bit Shane on the finger which Shane quickly retracted.
“No, kot.” Ilya bopped the cat on the nose and gave the creature a stern look. “Shane is our friend.”
The cat didn’t look repentant at all.
Shane tried not to take offense. It had been a trying day for the cat, after all, and its kitten teeth hadn’t even broken the skin on Shane’s finger. Only his pride was wounded. “I guess it’ll take some time to get used to me. We can’t all be adored feline saviors.”
As if in agreement with this statement, the cat pushed its head up into Ilya’s neck and nuzzled him. Ilya cooed and pet the cat’s head with his big hand. As further insult, the cat began to purr.
Shane was equal parts charmed and miffed. His finger throbbed. “Is there any chance you will agree to not let the cat sleep on our bed?”
Ilya just gave Shane a look.
Shane sighed. “That’s what I thought. Well, do you think Anya’s shampoo is safe to use on a cat? We should get it cleaned up.”
“Yes, that is just what I thought to do,” Ilya said excitedly, moving toward their bedroom. “And maybe we can discover if it is a girl cat or boy cat.”
“You know how to tell that on a cat?” Shane asked curiously as he followed Ilya into the bathroom. He wasn’t sure he had the requisite knowledge himself.
“Of course,” Ilya said confidently. “I am bisexual, after all.”
And then Ilya unzipped his coat all the way. The cat landed gracefully on its feet and immediately wound its body lovingly through Ilya’s legs. Ilya just about swooned. Shane had a moment’s regret that it hadn’t been a jacket full of dildos after all.
***
The cat was decidedly not a fan of the water. It whined and wailed piteously as Ilya soaped its wet body and scrubbed the dumpster dirt from its fur. It wasn’t a full grown cat. But it wasn’t a young kitten who still needed its mother, either. More like an awkward teenager. Its paws were still a bit too big for its body. It reminded Shane a little of him and Ilya, when they first met.
“I think it is girl,” Ilya said as he deftly pinned the cat’s paws together so it couldn’t scratch him. Shane hadn’t bothered to assist after the cat took his second swipe at him. It was clear Ilya was the only person the cat wanted touching him even in its distressed state. Shane could relate.
“We’ll have to think of a good name for her then,” Shane said. He was content with his supervisory role, and stood ready and waiting with a large blue towel. The bath tub was swirling with dirty water and clumps of fur. Shane was going to have to clean the bathtub after cleaning the cat which was not how he thought he’d spend his night.
“Perhaps is best for me to name her,” Ilya said as he began to rinse the cat off. “You do not know what pleases a woman as I do.”
“You’re such a dick,” Shane said. “I thought this was going to be my cat. Doesn’t that mean that I get to name her?”
“I did such good job naming Anya though,” Ilya argued. “Would be shame to have you choose something boring. It should be something comp…comple…something that sounds good together.”
“Complementary?”
“Yes, that.”
Ilya shut off the water and gave the cat a few gentle shakes to sluice off more of the water. Shane stepped forward with the towel which Ilya took with a quick smile to Shane. He gently began to wrap the cat up, rubbing down her body as he carefully tucked her up like a terry cloth burrito.
Ilya paused his wrapping. “Uh oh.”
“What? Is something wrong? Is she hurt?”
“No, no.” Ilya quickly nestled the cat into his arms like a baby. The cat looked distinctly disgruntled. “I was perhaps wrong. This is definitely a boy cat.”
Shane snorted. “Some bisexual you are.”
***
“What about Dimitri?” Ilya was now bare chested because the cat had soaked his shirt during his bath. Shane was slightly distracted.
“What?”
“For his name.”
Shane looked at the cat who had shimmied his way out of the towel and had retreated to a corner of the bathroom to lick his mangled fur in private.
“Would be cute, Anya and Dimitri,” Ilya continued. “Like from Anastasia.”
Shane was still struggling to follow the conversation now that Ilya had stripped out of his pants too. “The animated movie?”
“Yes,” Ilya said, grabbing a towel to dry himself off. “You have such a crush on Dimitri. Is cute.”
“I do not have—” Shane spluttered. “Look, everyone thinks Dimitri is hot in that movie. That’s, like, a culturally accepted fact.”
“Okay,” Ilya said.
“Don’t make this weird.”
Ilya shrugged. “I’m not the weird one with crush on cartoon.”
Shane groaned. “We’re not calling the cat Dimitri.”
“Fine.” Ilya tossed the towel into the hamper and went into the walk-in closet to find dry clothes. Shane thought about following Ilya in there just to watch but didn’t want to seem desperate.
“What about Ivan?” Ilya said a moment later as he emerged from the closet now fully clothed. Pity.
“Do all our pets need to have Russian names?”
“Is good name,” Ilya insisted. “Ivan the Great, Grand Prince of Moscow, uniter of all mother Russia.”
“Ivan,” Shane repeated. “Well, our pets live like royalty. Might as well name them after royalty too.”
Ilya grinned and got down on all fours to look for the cat, clicking his tongue to lure him from his hiding spot. “Here kitty, kitty.”
A head emerged and then a body. The hair was half dried in some places and still matted down and wet in others. The cat looked deranged. Ilya was still looking at it like it was as precious as the Stanley Cup.
“Hello, little kitty.” Ilya scooped the cat back up into his arms. The cat tensed for just a minute and then relaxed against Ilya’s bicep and snuggled in. Shane knew exactly how it felt, to be so content in Ilya’s arms. And some part of him was maybe a tiny bit jealous that it wasn’t him snuggled up with his husband right now. Instead, a recently rescued trash cat had usurped his spot.
“Would you like to be called Ivan?”
The cat meowed in agreement.
Ilya meowed back.
Shane was monumentally screwed.
***
Anya was very excited about her new friend and didn’t hide it from Ivan. The cat, however, had his doubts. They sniffed and circled each other for a while. Anya wagged her tail in eager delight. Ivan puffed up his fur, arched his back, and hissed.
“It just takes time,” Ilya said as they got ready for bed, the animals now separated for the night. “Soon they will be friends.” But Shane didn’t miss the slight uncertainty in Ilya’s voice.
“We go on our first road trip in two weeks,” Shane reminded him as he pulled on his pajamas. “What will we do with Ivan then?”
“The hotel for dogs also has condos for cats. They will go there together, no problem.”
“I guess that works.”
Ilya nodded. “I will call the vet tomorrow to make an appointment for Ivan. He will need shots and also tiny microchip so everyone will know he belongs to us.”
“Will you also be buying half the vet’s supply of cat toys and treats? Surely Anya and Ivan can share.”
“Share?” Ilya scoffed as he climbed into the bed. “Absolutely not. All I get are Andrei’s hand-me-downs. This is not the way to raise siblings.”
Shane laughed. “Pets are not children.”
Ilya’s mood grew a bit surly. “Yes, and children are not pets to be paraded around either.”
Not wanting Ilya to dwell on complicated family dynamics, Shane leaned over and kissed Ilya on the cheek. “Get a laser pointer, okay?”
“What is this question? Of course I am getting laser pointer for Ivan. Have you seen the way cats chase after them? Let me find my favorite videos for you.”
“You’ve shown them to me many times before,” Shane laughed. “I’m just going to do my nightly check. Be right back.”
Shane's anxiety prevented his brain from shutting off long enough to fall asleep if he hadn’t checked that every door and window was closed and locked. And given the size of Ilya’s house—their house—it meant that when he returned, Ilya had already settled himself in the bed. And Ivan, Shane was annoyed to find, had curled himself right on Ilya’s chest. Ilya was speaking to the beast in Russian, whispering terms of endearment into the cat’s fur.
“Look Shane!” Ilya said proudly petting the cat with long, full body strokes. Now that his fur was fully clean (and dry), Shane had to admit that he was a handsome beast. His coloring was beautiful, all white except for the gray on his face and tail. The tail was fluffier than Shane had realized. No one would believe he was a dumpster cat; he looked like an expensive breed and Ilya looked so happy with a cat curled up on him. Shane was not supposed to be jealous of a feline but Shane had stopped thinking he would have rational feelings about anything to do with Ilya Rozanov a long time ago.
The bed dipped as Shane climbed into bed, pulling at the covers gently so as not to disrupt the cat now purring contently on Ilya.
“He cleans up pretty nice,” Shane commented as he removed his glasses and set his phone to charge on the nightstand.
“Of course he does, moy krasivyy kot,” Ilya said to the cat.
Shane leaned over to give Ilya a goodnight kiss. He wasn’t even trying to start anything with him—though Shane would have liked to because he pretty much always wanted to—but Ivan immediately hissed and swiped a paw full of claws right at Shane’s face. Shane reared back, stung.
“No, plokhoy kot. You be nice to Shane.” Ilya’s voice was stern but not angry. But Ivan flattened his ears at the sound anyway and leapt from Ilya’s chest to hide underneath the bed where they could still hear his soft rumbling growl emanating from somewhere beneath them.
“Oh, sweetheart, let me see.” Ilya reached for Shane’s face and tilted his chin side-to-side to inspect the damage. Shane didn’t know if the cat had actually scratched him. Shane didn’t think he was bleeding, but he felt the sting of Ivan’s rebuke along his jaw anyway. “There is no blood, but small scratch just here.” Ilya traced a line from Shane’s left cheekbone down to his mouth with gentle fingertips.
“Will you kiss it and make it better?” Shane said against Ilya’s fingertips.
Ilya’s smile was slow and seductive. “I will do more than that, Hollander.”
And Ilya moved more gracefully than a cat down Shane’s body to do just that.
***
“Feel how smooth it is,” Ilya said. “Good grip too. Feels very nice in my hands.”
Shane made no comment. Experience had shown him this was for the best.
“And it folds away so nicely. Very discreet and compact,” Ilya continued. “Can fit just about anywhere, no problem.”
Shane hummed just to let Ilya know he was listening. He was too afraid to open his mouth to express any of the many, many things threatening to explode from his lips.
“I am thinking I will buy one for the cottage too,” Ilya said. “Do you think we should also get one for your parents’ house?”
Shane couldn’t take it anymore. “My parents do not need a cat stroller!”
“But they dogsit Anya sometimes,” Ilya reasoned. “I am sure they will do the same for Ivan. Yuna is going to love him.”
Shane had the unhappy thought that yes, his mother would love Ivan the Great. Yuna and Ilya were surprisingly compatible in a terrifying number of ways. Shane would investigate this more if he weren’t a little afraid of what it said about himself.
“I never should have let you go to the pet store by yourself,” Shane grumbled.
“Think how happy Ivan will be to join us on our walks with Anya!” Ilya pushed the contraption again, demonstrating that yes, it did have a very smooth ride despite being a stroller meant for a pet and not a luxury sports car. “I do not want him to feel left out.”
Shane had always thought pushing a pet in a stroller was a ridiculous thing to do. Two professional hockey players would absolutely look ridiculous doing it. But even he could admit that keeping Ivan happy would go a long way to keeping Ilya happy. And making Ilya Rozanov happy was the number one priority of Shane Hollander’s existence.
If only he could tell Rookie Shane, who had once thought he hated Ilya’s guts for getting drafted first, about this wild turn of events.
***
Troy and Harris came over for dinner the next night and brought Chiron with them. They let the dogs out into the fenced back yard to romp around together while Ivan perched himself on top of a bookshelf to lord over the humans as they ate.
“He’s a beaut of a cat,” Harris said. He looked like he desperately wanted to pet Ivan, but Ivan had not deigned to give Harris permission. Shane felt a little bit vindicated that he wasn’t the only human Ivan hadn’t immediately taken to. Anya and Ivan had already declared a truce. “We always had some mousers on the farm, but my parents mostly kept them outside or in the barn. The dogs always had the run of the place.”
“I think Ilya would like a barn full of animals,” Shane said peevishly.
“Shane is just grumpy because Ivan the Great is still warming up to him.”
“More like Ivan the Terrible,” Shane grumbled under his breath.
At that moment, Ivan gracefully jumped down from his shelf, hopped on one of the empty dining chairs, and deftly speared a cube of cantaloupe from the bowl on the table with a razor sharp claw. As quickly as he had appeared, he was gone, pilfered fruit secured in his mouth.
“Did the cat just steal cantaloupe?” Troy asked.
“Yes,” Shane and Ilya said together. Shane sounded resigned, but Ilya sounded proud.
“The cat apparently likes fruit,” Shane said.
“He gets that from Shane,” Ilya said with delight. “So Ivan is at least learning some good things from his papa.”
“Please don’t ever refer to me as that again,” Shane said. “Especially with company here.”
“Why?” Ilya said suggestively, his already deep voice dipping even lower. “Do you like it, papa?”
Shane groaned. Troy grimaced.
“Can you at least wait until we’re gone before you do that?” Troy asked plaintively.
“Speaking of leaving,” Harris interjected, all smiles. Shane appreciated how much Harris didn’t seem bothered by anything a whole team of juvenile NHL players threw at him. “I’m sorry to bring work here, but before we go and leave you to your weird sex stuff, I wanted to see if I could do a quick social media post with you guys. I promise it will be quick and mostly painless.”
“We don’t do weird sex stuff,” Shane said defensively at the same time that Ilya said, “Of course. What would you like us to do?”
“I’ve been doing ‘meet the family’ type posts for all the team,” Harris said. “I just did Cassie, Bood and baby Milo yesterday, but I saved the Hollander-Rozanovs for last.”
“We should include Anya and Ivan,” Ilya said, getting up from the table. “Let’s do it in the living room. But first, we must clear the table or Shane will be distracted whole time thinking about dirty table.”
Shane would have objected, but it was the truth and everyone present knew it. They worked together to clear the dirty plates and store the leftovers into containers to be put into the refrigerator. Troy loaded the dishwasher while Harris wiped down the table.
They let Chiron and Anya back in, giving them time to drink their fill at their matching set of dog bowls before ushering all the pets and humans into the living room.
Harris gave Shane and Ilya a little direction, coaching them a bit about what to say in the video. The animals mostly behaved although every one thought it best that Ilya hold Ivan while Anya sat on Shane’s side. Shane knew Anya would have preferred to be with Ilya too, but she was such an agreeable dog that she happily went where she was told. Even Ivan behaved and let Shane scratch him gently behind the ears for one miraculous moment which Harris caught on camera.
“I’ll get this edited and posted before the game this weekend,” Harris said, laughing. He knew the video was going to break the internet, which was the effect that Shane and Ilya had on pretty much everything that they did together.
“This reminds me I have not introduced Ivan to my many, many followers,” Ilya exclaimed. “I must change this.”
Shane was not expecting Ilya to pick up Ivan and shove him back into Shane’s arms without any warning. The cat and Shane looked at each other with equally baffled and perturbed faces before Ivan wiggled out of Shane’s grip and bolted out of the room.
But Ilya had had enough time to get one photograph of the pair staring each other down.
“There,” said Ilya triumphantly. “It is posted. Is maybe my best post yet.”
Harris already had his Instagram up so Shane and Troy crowded around to see in real time as Ilya’s photo loaded with a four word caption underneath: “My two angry kittens. <3”
***
ottawacentaursNHL
[Video Caption] The final family of your 2022 Ottawa Centaurs! Captain Ilya Rozanov (#81) and his husband Shane Hollander (#24) with their rescue animals: Anya (the dog) and Ivan (the cat).
[Transcript]
Illya: Hi, hello, I am Ilya Rozanov, back for fifth year as captain of the Ottawa Centaurs. And I am here with my newest teammate and husband, Shane Hollander. Say hi Shane.
Shane: [waves awkwardly at the camera] Hi.
Ilya: Some people say Hollander is pretty okay hockey player. Not as good as me, of course.
Shane: [rolls eyes] Of course.
Ilya: But will be exciting to see what we can do on the ice together, yes?
Shane: I’m beyond excited. Being on the same team is honestly something I’ve been dreaming about for years.
Ilya: [gasps, hitting Shane on the arm] You never tell me this!
Shane: Yeah, because I never thought it would happen.
Ilya: [looking at Shane] When it is us, nothing is impossible. And we are married now! There should be no more secrets.
Shane: [looking at Ilya] No more secrets.
Harris [off screen]: Uh…guys. Maybe you can introduce your pets now rather than staring longingly at each other. Just a suggestion.
Ilya: Yes, yes. Our family is best Centaurs family! Here we have our dog, Anya [dog perks up her ears] and our newest family member, Ivan. [Ilya pets the cat sitting on his lap]
Shane: Ilya found him in a dumpster.
Ilya: Not IN dumpster, BY dumpster at our practice rink. I brought him home for Shane.
Shane: [gives cat one quick scratch between his ears] But he still likes Ilya more than me.
Ilya: Is true…for now. But Shane and Ivan also have much in common. They both like to eat weird food and lay on top of me and—
Harris [off screen]: Jesus Christ, I’m gonna stop you there. This is supposed to be a family friendly video.
[Logo of Ottawa Centaurs appears]
[Comments]
Roz81anov: I would like to be a cat in Ilya’s lap. Apparently that’s exactly what Shane wants too. Purrrrrr.
BBearsFan12: @bostonbears why did we never get videos like this when roz played for us? they may be shit but centaurs are definitely winning social media
[message deleted]
HorseMan8124: Are we the luckiest hockey fans in the whole world or what? Rozanov and Hollander on the same team finally?! The Stanley Cup is ours this year!
HaydenPike: Rozanov is still a dick, but I can’t deny that he makes my friend happy. #bestman4life
BearsBaddies: Have I or have I not been saying for literal YEARS that Ilya Rozanov is the biggest softie in all of hockey? I REST MY CASE.
HaydenPike: Ruby and Jade also say hi to Uncle Ilya and request pink glitter nails next time. Also something about some plastic rings have gone missing? Seriously, who steals from a pair of 8 year olds?
[message deleted]
HollanderGirl: was anyone else aware that Shane Hollander had a personality? because I am shook.
HaydenPike: Jackie says I need to apologize, but like, I stand by what I said. #stilladick
wasabiwrapper: lol…please tell me we’re getting a Christmas card with all four of the Hollander-Rozanovs in matching Christmas sweaters because I would DIE. You know Roz would do it. Shane and Ivan would have matching angry kitten faces.
user555: OMG. Did anyone else notice that framed photo on the bookshelf to the left? Next to the wooden carving of that weird bird? It has to be an outtake of the CCM commercial that Hollander and Roz did as rookies. Could that be where it all started? These are the answers us fans deserve!
MsMariaJalo: Girl.
nurse_dex: @user555 No way they were hooking up as rookies. Did you see them present at the NHL awards in 2014? You could cut the hatred with a knife. I think the turning point was 2017 when they finally let them play on the All-Star team together. You can’t deny they play great hockey together.
YunaHollanderゆうな: So proud of our boys.
Hockey4life: i have watched this video 381738938 times and it still hasn’t gotten old
***
Forced proximity did not seem to endear Shane to Ivan. But absence did not make the heart grow fonder either. Even after their first road trip of the season, Ivan growled and hissed at Shane when they picked the cat and Anya up from the pet hotel. Ivan went willingly into Ilya’s arms. He draped his paws over Ilya’s shoulders and stared daggers at Shane as he walked behind Ilya with Anya on her leash.
Shane could swear Ivan sneered at him the whole car ride home.
***
“So we got a cat.”
“Yeah buddy,” Hayden said with a bit more mirth in his voice than Shane wanted to hear. “I saw the Instagram post. Both of them.”
Shane groaned. At least they weren’t on FaceTime, so Hayden couldn’t see Shane’s face and mock him for that too.
“You’re going to have more pets than I have kids soon.”
“Don’t say that,” Shane warned. “I think Ilya has been restraining himself and if I gave the slightest hint I’d be okay with it, we’d already have way more animals.”
Hayden cackled, the jerk. “I made the mistake of showing the girls the photo Ilya took and now they want to meet Ivan too. And see Anya again, of course.”
“You should come over soon, bring the whole family.” Shane paused and then said grumpily, “Then you will see.”
“See what?”
“That Ilya loves the cat more than he loves me.” Shane was never going to live this down. Where had all his self-respect gone?
“Is that a real thing or a Shane thing?” Hayden asked.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, you can be a touch dramatic sometimes.”
“No, I’m not,” spluttered Shane. “Come on. If anyone is dramatic, it’s Ilya.”
“You’ve owned the cat for what? A few weeks? And you already think your husband—who is obnoxiously obsessed with you, by the way—would rather get it on with a cat?”
“Gross.”
“You said it. Not me.”
“It’s just that Ilya got a cat—for me, I remind you—and now he’s been lavishing all his affection on Ivan…” Shane trailed off. Even to his own ears, he could hear how he sounded. Pathetic, was what it was. “Besides, Ilya’s not obsessed with me.”
Shane could hear Hayden’s long suffering sigh through the phone. “Look, as much as I hate to be the one who has to say this to you, the two of you are not normal about each other.”
“We’re not—”
“No, no. Shane, you know I love you. Rozanov, I have learned to tolerate because the dude seems to make you weirdly happy,” Hayden said. “But you are the biggest pair of co-dependent motherfuckers I’ve ever met.”
“So you don’t think my husband is replacing me with a cat?”
Shane felt Hayden pinch the bridge of his nose through the phone. He couldn’t see him, but he felt it in his soul. “I don’t know, dude. Maybe see who he buys a bigger Christmas gift for.”
“You know what? Just forget I said anything,” Shane tried to muster up some dignity. “When can we get together? Or do I need to talk to Jackie since she’s the one who actually runs things over there?”
“Hey, go fuck yourself,” Hayden said. But he laughed because it was true.
They talked more hockey. JJ had been made captain of the Voyageurs in Shane's absence and Hayden was still the alternative. That bittersweet longing for his first team would always be there, Shane assumed, but it was starting to hurt less. Time healed all wounds. And it wasn't that Shane regretted his choices, just hated that a choice had to be made in the first place.
But he'd choose Ilya every time. He knew that now.
They wrapped up their call and Shane did feel a bit better for having vented to his friend about diabolical cats and husbands with fickle affections.
“Bye, Hayd,” Shane said.
“Bye, Angry Kitten.”
Really, Shane had the worst taste in men, as both husbands and friends.
***
Shane was alone because Ilya had captain duties again—helping Luka Haas with…something. Shane hadn’t asked for details. The animals seemed to be quite listless without Ilya present. Anya just stared at Shane with her big puppy eyes from her dog bed. Ivan was draped like a bread loaf across the back of the couch but stared at Shane with animosity in his piercing yellow eyes as if in accusation for why Ivan was once again stuck with just Shane.
Shane stared down the cat. He had stopped trying to pet him or make friends with him. His hands were already cross-marked with tiny hairline scratches like a road map of hatred.
Shane broke first. “He still loves me best.”
Ivan blinked at Shane. It was a blink that communicated something like, “why is this idiot addressing me?”
“You wouldn’t even make his list of top five favorite things, I want you to know. It goes one, me; two, sex; three, Anya; four, my parents; and five, probably hockey.”
Great. Now Shane was trash talking a cat. He had fallen lower than he was prepared to admit.
“Well, maybe my parents before Anya,” Shane mused. “I think my parents like Ilya more than me at this point.” Shane paused. “You feel the same way, so you get it.”
Ivan yawned. Even the cat found him boring. Shane was afraid that he might find himself boring. He couldn’t last a few hours without his husband before losing his grip on sanity if this one-sided conversation with a cat was any indication.
“Do you know the average life span of a domestic cat?” Apparently Shane was fully embracing his descent into lunacy because he couldn’t shut up. “I looked it up. Twelve to 15 years for an indoor cat. But it’s several years shorter for an outdoor cat.”
Ivan blinked again. Shane didn’t. He stared the cat down. Fight fire with fire.
“Do you want to be an outdoor cat? In Ottawa? In the winter? Because I can make that happen.”
Shane had fully lost his marbles. Ivan did that grumbling meow sound that Ilya seemed to find so adorable. But Shane knew it to be the sounds of a ruthless killer before it pounced.
“I’m cuter than you.” It was a weak protest and Shane knew it. He had truly hit rock bottom.
Ivan stood up, arching his back into an elegant stretch before resettling himself in the same spot. Cats were mysterious. His disinterest in Shane would hurt less if he weren’t such a beautiful cat. But he truly was a stunning creature. He had that in common with Ilya.
“At least I make more money than you,” Shane grumbled.
“You are having long argument with cat,” said a drawling voice behind Shane. He turned to see Ilya standing in the doorway.
“Ilya.” Shane stood up quickly, as if to indicate that no, he had not been having a one-sided staring contest with their cat. But of course Ilya would witness this rather embarrassing juncture in Shane’s life. “How long have you been home?”
Ilya smirked and walked further into the room. “Long enough, moya dorogaya kurochka.”
“You could have said something,” Shane muttered.
“I do not love Ivan more than you,” Ilya moved into the room and wrapped his arms around Shane. Shane wanted to protest that that’s not what he had meant. He made a half-hearted attempt to pull away but found himself giving up and sinking into the warmth and comfort of Ilya’s arms.
“But is cute how jealous you get,” Ilya said with a chaste kiss to Shane’s temple.
Shane let his forehead drop to Ilya’s shoulder, mostly so Ilya couldn’t see how much he was blushing. “I’m not jealous.”
Ilya nudged Shane’s head up with his shoulder and kissed the corner of Shane’s lips. “Of course not.” Ilya sank his hands into Shane’s hair and held his face so Shane had to look up at Ilya. “Do I need to remind you of how I feel about you?”
Shane tried not to pout. He failed. “It couldn’t hurt.”
Ilya began to kiss Shane—ear to jaw to neck while his hands went up, tracing the hypotenuse between Shane’s belly button, ribs, nipple and then Shane’s shirt was off. Shane was too aroused to do the same to Ilya but Ilya always seemed to know what Shane needed before Shane knew it himself. He removed his own shirt, crashing their bodies and lips back together. Shane had no time to think before Ilya’s fingers were fumbling at Shane’s pants, eager as they always were to slide between Shane’s legs. Years of this and it still wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.
Shane pulled back from Ilya just enough to allow space for Ilya to remove the rest of his clothes and there he was, his beautiful husband, all the acres of him on full display, all that skin Shane wanted to touch until he knew it all. Shane felt it every time they were together like this, that hitch in his chest as if Ilya was the thing he needed to take a full breath.
“My top five favorite things,” Ilya began in a voice so soft in contrast to Shane’s very hard dick.
“Forget everything you heard,” Shane said dizzily. “I was being ridiculous.”
Ilya ignored him. Because of course he did. And then Ilya’s hand was around his cock and he forgot what he was protesting in the first place.
“Number one,” Ilya whispered into Shane’s ear. “You, wearing nothing but your glasses.”
Shane groaned and pulled Ilya closer, closer. It was never close enough. It would never be enough. Ilya’s cross burned against Shane’s skin, hot from the shared heat of them.
“Number two,” Ilya said, backing Shane toward the couch, his guiding hand sinking lower and lower. “Your freckles.” A kiss to one cheek. “Look just like…what is it? Cinnamon.” A tender kiss to the other cheek. “Drive me crazy, these cinnamon freckles.” A kiss to his nose. “Like snickerdoodle.”
“You like my freckles because you think they make me look like a cookie?”
“Yes, such a delicious treat.”
“You gonna eat me out then, Rozanov?” Shane said brazenly.
Ilya’s eyes glinted. And then he turned Shane around wordlessly and bent him over the back of the couch.
“Number three favorite thing is you on your knees for me.” Ilya sank to his own knees, spreading Shane’s feet apart. “But I am nice guy so today, I will go on my knees for you so you know.”
Shane grabbed onto a pillow, his knuckles whitening as he clenched hard to keep his hands to himself as he spread himself further for Ilya. “Know what?”
“That I want none but you.”
“Oh God.” Shane panted as Ilya did many unspeakable things to Shane. He had never learned how to be quiet when Ilya used his tongue like this. Ivan did not like it and scooted closer to Shane, peering at him from over the couch.
“Uh, Ilya?”
A pause. “What?”
“The cat is watching us.”
“Good. I like an audience.”
And Ilya went back to work. Deft and sure, placing his tongue and lips everywhere they needed to be. He knew just where and how to touch Shane to take him apart and then make him whole again. There and there and there.
Shane moaned.
Ivan meowed in consternation, clearly perturbed by the sounds they kept making. Shane didn’t care. He couldn’t care. He might never care about another thing ever again, even the disgruntled cat with razor sharp claws he had let into his life and yes, even his bed.
But not, like, in a sexual way obviously. They weren’t perverts. Just liked cuddling with their pets, like normal people.
Except one of their pets seemed to be a voyeur if Ivan’s interest in what Ilya was doing to Shane was any indication.
“Ilya, I’m not gonna last much longer.”
Ilya rose to his feet, turning Shane around to face him again. He was grinning like the cat who caught the canary.
“Where was I?” Ilya asked, sinking teeth into Shane’s neck. “Oh yes, number four.” He kissed Shane lightly on the lips. “Your mouth. Is still a good mouth.” Another kiss, deeper this time. “A very good mouth.”
“You just like when it’s wrapped around you.”
“Yes, that,” Ilya said with his most charming smile. “But also when you use it to call me such sweet things.”
“What? Like that you’re an asshole?”
“Yes, but is code for what you really mean to say to me.”
Shane gasped when Ilya wrapped his hand around both of their dicks. “And what do I really mean?”
“That you love me,” Ilya rubbed a thumb across Shane’s mouth before gently kissing him again. “That you worship me.”
“Asshole,” Shane said. But it sounded so damn affectionate, just the way Ilya had described. Shane was a smart guy. He read books. He knew a lot of words in two languages, working on his third. But he didn’t yet know if there was a word to describe what he and Ilya were to each other. So completely different in every noticeable way except in how they felt about one another. Each one half of the same whole.
They probably had a word for it in German. But “asshole” worked as well as any other word, he supposed.
Ilya worked them silently, efficiently. Shane was beyond words at this point. He couldn’t even remember how they had gotten here. But Shane could live a thousand lives and end up here, with Ilya, in every one of them.
“Number five,” Ilya panted into Shane’s mouth as their climaxes crested together. They spilled over together as one. It took a long while for Shane’s rabbiting heart to calm down. Ilya reached for a box of tissues on the side table and wiped his hand carefully. Shane carefully pulled up their pants but stayed leaning against the couch, Ilya still pushing his weight into him as if his legs had gone a bit wobbly and couldn’t hold himself up all the way anymore.
“Is number five orgasms?”
“They are very good and we are very good at them,” Ilya said with a knowing smirk. “But no. That is not my favorite thing.”
“What is then?” Shane challenged. He expected a teasing answer, something silly that masked a more tender thread running beneath. But Ilya surprised even Shane’s expectations by getting right to the heart of it.
“Number five is that no matter where I am, with you, I am home.”
“Ilya.” What were you supposed to say when someone broke open their chest to let you see all the veins and ventricles and vessels that made their heart beat? Shane opened his mouth to say something but Ivan beat him to it.
The cat had inched his way along the couch and now rested his paw on the forearm Ilya used to bracket Shane against the couch. He meowed plaintively and pushed his head into Ilya’s elbow. Anya seemed to take that as her cue to investigate and trotted over from her dog bed to nose at their joined legs and sit patiently at their knees.
Ilya huffed a small, surprised laugh and gently pet the silky soft spot between Ivan’s ears.
“For so long, I am alone,” Ilya said, his eyes sealed on Shane’s as Ivan began to purr, loud and present. “I think, maybe I don’t deserve happy family.” Ilya swallowed. “I think instead I get hockey. Millions love me because I do hard things on the ice. Play best hockey anyone’s ever seen.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say it’s the best ever.”
The corner of Ilya’s lips twitched but his eyes remained intense and intent on Shane’s. “But now, I have so many people who love me. You. Your parents. Teammates. Anya. Ivan. I have home again, family again. And hockey, it does not matter,” Ilya squeezed Shane’s hand, the one that wasn’t currently being kneaded by an overly affectionate cat. “I am thinking, it is nice to be loved for soft things too.”
“You’re such an asshole.” Shane felt tears prick at his eyes. “You made me cry.”
Ilya took Shane’s chin into his fingers, made him stare straight at him. “You have no need to be jealous of cats or hockey or anything else.”
Shane gulped. “I don’t, huh?”
“No.” Ilya leaned in for the gentlest, sweetest kiss Shane had maybe ever received from him. “We are given many hearts in this life, yes? But all of mine I have given to you.”