Archive of Our Own ^beta

And my house was designed to kinda look like its cryin'
The eyes are the windows, the garage is the mouth
So when they mention thе sad kid
In a sad house on Balch street
You won't have to guess who thеy speakin' about

Ilya knows there are only approximately sixty minutes standing in between him and Shane being reunited after two weeks of not seeing each other. Normally, it wouldn’t be such a big deal to him, but he had felt extremely high strung lately, and with Shane being on back to back road trips, which were more exhausting than they should be, there wasn’t a lot of time for the two of them to talk. 

Sure, they had managed to FaceTime each other at least every other day, but there was not a lot of time to properly unwind and listen to Shane talk after getting each other off hurriedly through the phone. Normally, they both would make a point of trying to fall asleep with the other one on the phone, depending on which time zone they’re in, but for some god awful reason Shane was back to sharing a room with Hayden so that was out of the picture.

Not that Ilya cares about Hayden’s feelings, but Shane still insists that they can’t just kick him out of his own room every second day. That’s why Ilya is going through even worse withdrawals than usual, which makes him feel like an idiot.

He is twenty nine years old for god’s sake, he should be able to go two weeks without seeing his boyfriend. He really shouldn’t be feeling as bad as he is. But being aware of all of this still doesn’t do anything to change the fact that he is miserable. He is aching from a bad hit he took playing against New York two days ago, but he is mostly aching from feeling like his whole life is just passing him by without being able to do anything.

Ilya had thought moving to Ottawa to be closer to Shane would fix things, but it is more like just putting a bandaid on things and calling it a day. Objectively, he knows he can’t go on like this, just going through the motions and only living for the times he can see Shane to finally feel whole again. Being with his boyfriend really is the only time Ilya feels like a proper human being, and even though he is aware of the fact that this is not healthy at all, he doesn’t have it in him to make any changes. 

“Rozanov? What do you say?” Coach Wiebe’s voice suddenly brings Ilya out of his thoughts and back to reality. Back to the locker room after practice where he was in the process of taking off his gear before he got lost in his head.

Ilya shakes his head, trying to get himself together, before looking at Wiebe properly, who’s standing next to a scared looking Luca Haas. “Yes? No. Sorry, didn’t listen,” Ilya mumbles. 

“Okay,” Wiebe says and shoots a reassuring look at Luca. “Look, I know this might sound weird at first, but how do you feel about letting Luca stay with you for a bit?” 

Before Ilya can even open his mouth, Wiebe continues. “I know you’re not used to having anyone around, but Luca has had some troubles settling in, and we thought maybe you as captain may be able to help. I know it might be unconventional, but I really think Luca could benefit from not being alone all the time, maybe to help him get out of his head a bit and have some fun. It’s…. uh.” 

“I come from a big family,” Luca suddenly cuts Wiebe off. “I’m not used to getting home and being alone all the time. But you don’t have to do it, Ilya. I told coach that I’m going to be fine, I just need a few more days to get my shit together and then hopefully I’ll be fine.” he hesitates, unable to meet Ilya’s eyes. “Really, don’t worry about it, we shouldn’t even have asked you in the first place, this is really stupid… I’m sorry.”

“Uhm, can’t someone else do it?” Ilya regrets his words as soon as they’re out of his mouth and, if the look on Haas’ face is anything to go by, it came out even harsher than he intended to, but Ilya really thinks he cannot do it. It’s not like he dislikes Haas, on the contrary he has grown extremely fond of the rookie over the past few weeks, but if he stays with him it will make seeing Shane pretty much impossible.

And he can’t let that happen, he can’t let them take away the last thing that is making him feel somewhat normal. 

“Sorry,” Ilya mumbles when no one else says anything. “No, just meant, uh, don’t know if is too scary for Luca to stay with me? Just, being captain and everything… might be too much?” He gestures vaguely between him and the rookie, trying to show him that he doesn’t mean any harm at all, but the mood in the locker room shifts to something even more uncomfortable.

“Listen, Rozanov. I didn’t want to say anything, and frankly it’s not my business, but I feel like maybe you could benefit from this too?” 

“What do you mean?” Ilya is now staring at his coach intently. “I’m fine, is all fine. I’ve been playing well, no? Considering everything.” 

This time it’s Bood who answers him and Ilya can see Wiebe shoot him a grateful look from the corner of his eye. “You are, Roz. And you know that without you we would be doing even worse than we are. But we were just thinking you might be a bit lonely too? Not that there’s anything wrong with being alone,” he grimaces, “but we just worry about you. You never come out with us and lately you just… you just seem so sad all the time. Off the ice, of course.”

Suddenly, Ilya feels like he’s been hit over the head. It’s not like Bood is wrong, but he wasn’t aware that he is doing such a shit job at hiding how he’s feeling. It was in his blood to put up a strong front and not let anyone see what’s going inside, so straight up being told that people actually notice that he’s going through a tough time makes his insides twist uncomfortably and he actually starts feeling a bit nauseous. 

“I’m fine.” He makes sure that his voice sounds as stable and strong as possible, while starting to undress properly. “I do not know what you’re talking about and I do not like you making up things about me. I’m captain, show some respect.” 

He looks Bood straight in the eye, daring him to say something, but when nothing happens he quickly takes his normal clothes out of his bag and starts putting them on. Usually he would shower at the arena, hating staying sweaty for too long, but he’s aware of the fact that everyone in the locker room is staring at him and he can’t take it any longer. He needs to get out of here as fast as possible and put space between him and all these people. They are apparently way too perceptive for their own good, and that might make him cry. 

There is no way in hell he will let the team see him cry. Not now, not ever.

When he’s done getting dressed and slinging his bag over his shoulder, Ilya finally straightens back up and squares his shoulders. He tries to keep his face as neutral as possible, unwilling to let anyone see the storm that’s going on inside his brain. “I’m sorry, Haas. Is not about you, promise.” 

And with that he’s out of the locker room, without saying goodbye to anyone. Normally he’s one of the last people to leave, making sure the rest of his team is fine, but not today. Today, he has to get away from the arena and into Shane’s arms as fast as possible. 

The drive back to his house is a bit of a blur and he can’t stop his thoughts from racing between the team knowing that there’s something wrong with him and his father’s voice that keeps screaming at him how disappointed he is. That he can’t believe as the captain of the team he let himself show weakness like that, to the point where his team was able to tell that he wasn’t doing well. He really thought he had been hiding it well. He always gave it his all on the ice, and even though they still are one of the worst teams in the league, it is thanks to him that they aren’t dead last anymore. 

Before he can spiral any further, he finally pulls into his driveway and the sight of Shane’s jeep already parked there lifts a huge weight off his chest. Ilya knows Shane won’t be able to magically fix everything, but just being near him will help his nervous system calm down. 

As soon as he’s through the front door, he makes his way into the living room where he can hear the tv on low volume, playing some hockey reruns Shane must have put on, and without even saying anything, he squeezes himself between Shane and the couch cushions, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend tightly. 

“Missed you so much, moya lyubov.” Ilya whispers while softly placing kisses into Shane’s hair, and as soon as he feels his boyfriend relax against Ilya’s body, he’s finally able to take a proper breath. It feels like he’s been holding it in ever since he stormed out of the locker room.

“There’s food in the fridge, if you want some,” Shane says before finally turning to face Ilya properly. “Hi,” he whispers and places a lingering kiss on Ilya’s lips, “missed you too. I don’t ever want to go this long without seeing you ever again, that really sucked.” Shane pouts and Ilya suddenly feels so much lighter, so much so that he doesn’t even notice the tears that are starting to form in his eyes. 

But as soon as he does, he turns away from Shane, but it seems like he has already noticed and his pout is replaced by a worried look on his face. “Hey, hey. Are you okay? What’s wrong? Bad practice?”

Ilya opens his mouth, willing any words to come out, but he doesn’t even know if he wants to tell Shane the truth, too embarrassed by the fact that he has shown so much weakness in front of the team and now him too. “Yes, I am fine,” Ilya says but it comes out more choked up than he wants it to and he knows Shane doesn’t believe him.

“I…”, he tries again, but his voice just doesn’t want to cooperate. He knows he should talk to Shane, should just tell him what happened so they can make fun of Wiebe’s idea and move on, but a part of him is also scared of admitting that he has let the team down. He’s the captain, he should be the person to steer this ship, but somehow it seems like he has lost control of it. 

Shane carefully puts his hands on either side of Ilya’s face and lets one of his thumbs smooth out the wrinkles on Ilya’s forehead, trying to get rid of some of the tension that’s sitting there. “You know you can tell me anything,” Shane whispers before placing a kiss right in between Ilya’s eyes. 

“Wiebe wants Luca Haas to move in with me,” Ilya finally says, exhaling softly as soon as the words have left his mouth.

“Wiebe wants what? Is this a money thing?”

“No. We are bad, but not that bad,” Ilya laughs even though he doesn’t feel like it. “He, uh… Haas said he is lonely. Coach thinks it will help team if he stays with someone for a while.”

“Why you? Surely there are other players that are willing to take him in. You told me everyone loves him.” Shane is still softly massaging Ilya’s forehead and he can’t help but relax even further into the touch. 

Ilya can’t decide if he wants to tell Shane everything else the team had said to him. The biggest part of his brain, the one that sounds a lot like his father, is screaming at him to shut up and not let Shane know how he’s really feeling, how it’s apparently affecting the team and bleeding into their private conversations to a point where they are making plans about Ilya’s life.

But the other part really wants to tell him, wants to be able to talk it through with him and maybe even let Shane inside his head and share a bit of the burden with him. About the way his thoughts haven’t stopped racing for months now, that the only time he is somewhat at peace is when he’s with his boyfriend, and the rest of the time he feels like he kind of wants to die. 

Not literally, because he would never leave Shane, the only truly good thing in his life, but sometimes he just catches himself thinking about what it would be like if he wasn’t feeling like this all the damn time. 

He’s definitely not going to tell Shane about any of that, but maybe telling him about what Bood said is a start.

“They…. they think I am lonely too.” His voice is barely more than a whisper, but the look on Shane’s face tells him he was able to hear him clearly.

“Are you?” Shane asks and tries to move even closer to Ilya, getting frustrated by the space between them, so he swings his right leg over Ilya and settles down in his lap. “That’s better,” he murmurs.  

For a minute, Ilya just stares at his boyfriend, letting his gaze wander over the freckles sprinkled across his cheeks and he finds himself once again at a loss for words. They had known each other for more than twelve years now and he still can’t believe that he finally gets to have him like this. That he finally gets to kiss him whenever he wants to without having to be scared that someone is going to take him away from Ilya. Well, except for hockey.

“No. Yes. Probably. But not when I am with you,” is all Ilya lets himself say and he suddenly finds himself unable to properly look at Shane. He knows that’s not what Shane meant, but he’s also too scared of telling him the truth. 

“Ilya,” Shane says and carefully puts two fingers under Ilya’s chin, lifting his head so he can look at him. “I don’t want you to be lonely when I’m not there. Do you really feel that way?”

“Is okay, promise,” Ilya whispers and places a quick kiss on Shane’s lips. “I have you, and Yuna and David. That is most important to me.” 

Shane is silent for a minute and Ilya knows he wants to say something, probably wants to lecture Ilya about how he needs to get out more, how having Shane’s parents doesn’t count as having proper friends. But instead of saying any of that, he leans his forehead against Ilya’s and softly exhales against his boyfriend’s lips. “Maybe Wiebe is right. I think you should do it.”

“What?” If there’s one thing he hadn’t expected Shane to say, it was definitely that. “We never see each other, if Luca fucking Haas moves in, you will not be allowed to come over. Why would you say that? Is not funny to me.” 

“I’m not trying to be funny, sweetheart,” Shane replies and lets his hand wander down Ilya’s body, settling down just above the waistband of his sweatpants. “But I do worry about you, especially if this is something the team is noticing too. Maybe having him around would be good for you? And it wouldn’t be forever, maybe like one or two months. You can still come and see me in Montreal. It’s not a big deal.”

“Is no big deal? I still do not know if you’re making fun of me or not, Shane. Don’t understand why you would even suggest something like this.” Ilya can feel a fresh round of tears welling up in his eyes and this time he doesn’t do anything to stop them. “I miss you so much, all the time. I do not need another stupid reason to stay away from you.”

Shane’s hand, which has been sitting on top of Ilya’s hoodie so far, makes his way under it where he softly squeezes Ilya’s waist. His boyfriend’s warm touch makes Ilya feel a bit better, but he’s still irritated that Shane would even suggest something like that in the first place. “Ilya, hey… listen to me.” He gives Ilya another gentle squeeze.

“I don’t want to be away from you either, please believe me when I tell you that’s not what I meant. But I think it might be good for you to have someone to look after when I’m gone, I think you would probably really enjoy it. Haas is a good kid, you said so yourself, and he deserves to feel at home here. I think you could really be that person for him.” Ilya starts to argue but Shane quickly shuts him up by shaking his head at him. “I have a lot of away games in the next two months. I haven’t done the maths yet but I probably wouldn’t have been able to come down here more than two or three times anyway. And when it comes to that we can just reevaluate, okay?” 

Ilya’s brain kind of feels like it’s been working overtime for hours now. He thinks he understands what Shane is trying to say, but he still needs to make sure. “Re- uh, what?” 

“Oh! Sorry. I just meant we can talk about it when there’s a time window where I would usually come to see you. Maybe we just get a hotel, or you kick Haas out, but that doesn’t mean we won’t see each other at all for the next two months. I promise that’s not going to happen, I would rather die than stay away from you, I just don’t want you to be alone all the time.”

“No. I don’t know,” Ilya sighs after mindlessly staring at the tv for a few seconds. He knows Shane is trying to get him to look at him, but he just can’t force himself to. Objectively, he knows his boyfriend is right, it probably would be good for him. And it would be fantastic for Luca, as captain he obviously knows that he had been having troubles settling down in Ottawa, and he also knows that he would be able to get Haas more comfortable and step outside of his comfort zone. 

But the prospect of letting someone into his home, the only place where he doesn’t have to hide who he really is, where he doesn’t have to hide how much he loves Shane Hollander, scares the shit out of him.

“Maybe I talk to Wiebe again tomorrow,” is what Ilya finally says after a few more minutes of silence between them. “But first I want my extremely sexy boyfriend to join me for shower, please.” 

🏒

“This your room, it has bathroom and everything so I think that’s fine, yes?” Ilya shoots a look back at Haas, who’s currently standing in the door frame of one of Ilya’s guest rooms. When it came to choosing which room to give to him, Ilya made the decision to give him the one furthest away from his own bedroom. Just because he now had a guest in his house, doesn’t mean he would be giving up on skype sex with Shane, especially if they were barely going to see each other within the next two months.

Two months, that’s how long Ilya had negotiated for Luca to stay with him. At first, Coach Wiebe suggested four months, wanting to make sure that Luca had a proper place to settle down and unwind, but Ilya had argued that the rookie also needed a chance to find his own place and be a bit more independent, so they settled on two months with being open for re-negotiations as the time went on.

Not that Ilya had any plans on letting him stay longer than that, but for now that was his little secret. 

“Is fine?” Ilya asks when Haas still doesn’t say anything and his heart immediately falls a bit when he sees the look on the rookie’s face. He doesn’t look sad per se, but there are clear worry lines across his forehead and he looks a bit like he might cry. 

“Hey,” Ilya walks over to where Luca is still rooted on the spot. “I’m sorry for how I acted when coach first told me, okay? Was just overwhelmed, I think. You have nothing to worry about, I really do like you, kid. Promise.” Haas still doesn’t say anything. “We will have fun. Get comfortable and I will make some food for us.” 

The mention of food seems to finally bring Luca back from his thoughts and he carefully smiles at Ilya. “Thank you, Cap. I will just put my stuff away and then I’ll join you downstairs.” 

Half an hour later, Luca joins Ilya in the kitchen, sitting down on one of the stools at the kitchen island just as Ilya throws some pasta into the boiling water. “Pasta and salad work for you?” He asks without turning around. “Have to take advantage of getting to eat something other than birdfood for once.” 

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Luca answers. “I have to say I didn’t think you would be someone that sticks to a strict diet.”

“Oh, am not. But the company I keep is always annoying me about it.” Ilya finally turns around to face Haas properly and sends him a quick wink, which makes the rookie blush furiously. 

It’s no secret that Haas is a bit of a fanboy and maybe it should annoy Ilya, but he can’t help but bask in it. Just a few days ago Luca had revealed that he had a poster of Ilya in his room growing up and Ilya felt genuinely flattered. It feels good to know that people look up to him and it also makes him feel proud of how far he’s come. Even though the Centaurs aren’t in a good place right now, Ilya still feels good being their captain.

It’s just the fact that apparently he’s not being a very good one.

“So,” Ilya clears his throat, trying to appear as casual as possible. “What are they saying about me? The team.”

“What? Why do you think they’re talking about you?”

The timer for the pasta beeps and Ilya turns around to face the stove, taking the pot off the heat. “Haas, apparently we both are sad boys so we have to stick together. Tell me what team is saying about me. Please.” 

“They’re just worried, I guess,” Luca finally admits after a few seconds. “They don’t talk to me a lot about it, obviously, because they’re worried about me too and probably don’t want to make it worse. But Hayes just says that you seem sad all the time and they don’t know what to do about it. You… uh, apparently you always make up excuses why you can’t go out with them and that’s fine, but they say it’s so different from how it was when you first started with them. Not that I know what that was like. But they really love you, Cap, all of them.” 

Ilya is still facing away from Haas, too afraid of letting him see the terror on his face. It’s not like he doesn’t know that they know he is sad, they literally said it to his face a few days ago, but hearing it again feels like a ton of bricks being dropped straight onto his head. 

“What about my performance on the ice? What they say about that?” 

“Nothing,” Haas says and Ilya makes a sound of disbelief. “No, seriously, they don’t. This is not about your performance on the ice at all. You know that without you we would be in deep shit. I’ve never heard anyone say anything bad about it, quite the opposite, everyone is so grateful to have you.” 

There’s no stopping a few tears from welling up in Ilya’s eyes, but he is unable to wipe them away, too busy with draining the pasta and dumping it into the sauce instead. “Can you, uh…,” he has to stop to take a deep breath. “Please get some cutlery for us.” 

He can hear Luca getting up from the stool and making his way to the other side of the kitchen, which gives Ilya a second to set the pot down and quickly wipe his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie. He doesn’t even know why he’s crying, it’s not like he didn’t already know that the team is worried about him, but hearing it being said out loud like that just makes him feel even worse. 

Objectively, he knows the whole thing really isn’t about his performance on the ice, but he kind of wishes it was. If it was something physical, at least he would be able to fix it, he would just have to train harder and get it over with, but he doesn’t know how to fix the mental stuff.

He has no idea how to stop his brain from being so damn sad all the time.

“Uh,” Haas’ voice suddenly distracts Ilya from his own thoughts. “I actually don’t know where anything is.” 

It is such an unexpected thing for him to say that Ilya suddenly finds himself laughing at the rookie and he starts making his way over to where he’s standing. 

“You are close.” He points to a drawer on Luca’s left, but before he can move, Ilya puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes it tightly. “Glad you are here, really. Sad boys have to stick together, okay?”

Haas clearly wants to say something, but instead Ilya squeezes his shoulder again and shakes his head. “Is okay. We will be okay,” Ilya says and walks back over to the stove to start plating their food. He can feel Luca’s stare at the back of his head, but he can’t bring himself to turn around and look at the boy, too scared of what might be written all over his face. 

One thing Ilya hadn’t told Shane is that he’s scared that having Luca here in his house might cause some of Ilya’s walls to crumble, and he’s deadly afraid of that possibility. 

“Come, we eat on couch and then I kick your ass at Chel before we have to go to practice.” 

🏒

Practice was fine, normal, maybe even too normal, but Ilya was too occupied thinking about his earlier conversation with Luca to pay too much attention to it. He knows he did a good job anyway and that’s all that counts. 

They picked up some food on their way home from the arena and Luca was quick to excuse himself to his room shortly after arriving back at the house which was fine with Ilya. He had kind of looked forward to maybe watching a trashy movie with the rookie, but he understood that he also needed his privacy. It was a lot for him to go through and even though Ilya was trying his best to make it all as normal as possible, it still must be nerve-wracking to stay with the captain of your team.

He decided to put on the Montreal vs. Buffalo game Shane was currently playing in and silently thanked Luca for going to his room, not sure if he could have hid his rooting for Shane if Luca had been watching with him. 

The game is already at the end of the second period and it is currently 2-1 for Montreal. Ilya knows Shane must be pissed, he doesn’t like it when the score is that close, but Buffalo usually isn’t a danger to anyone, let alone to Montreal, so Ilya isn’t too worried about it. 

Shane doesn’t check his phone during intermissions, but Ilya decides to text him anyway, wanting him to know that he’s watching.

Ilya: you look so sexy on ice

Ilya: buffalo is shit, do not worry

Ilya: please call when you are at hotel, haas has gone to bed

Ilya: miss you 

The game ends 3-1 for Montreal and Ilya can’t stop grinning while watching Shane shake hands with the Buffalo team and bump helmets with Pike. It’s clear how much Shane loves this, is thriving on it, and it fills Ilya with so much love and adoration for the man. 

It will be at least another hour until Shane is going to call, so Ilya decides to watch some highlights from the last game they had played against New York. It was the one Ilya got hurt in and they ended up losing 4-0, which sucks on a normal day, but losing this badly to Scott Hunter is even worse. He knows that he is doing everything he can, and they really have gotten better over the last two years, but going from a Stanley Cup winning team to a team that barely wins any games at all still stings. 

He doesn’t regret moving to Ottawa, but he can’t help but wonder what his mental health would be like if hockey was going at least a little bit better for him. 

At the end of the day he is loyal to Shane and not to hockey. Hockey was a way to get out of Russia, to get away from his family and to make a name for himself, but all of that doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have Shane. There would be no point in playing hockey if it wasn’t for him, there would probably be no point in living at all. 

Ilya doesn’t even notice how much time has passed until his phone starts ringing and he sees Shane’s name across the display. He instantly jumps and picks up as fast as possible while getting off the couch and making his way up to his room.

“Hello, moya lyubov.” Ilya softly says while unable to wipe the grin off his face even though Shane can’t see him.

“Hi! How are you? How are things with Haas? Is he settling in okay?” Shane’s voice is faster than usual and Ilya realises he sounds nervous. It is like his boyfriend immediately forgot that he had just won a game, worrying about Ilya instead.

“Is good, is all good, promise. Haas is in bed, we had pasta before practice, he said it was tasty.” 

“Well, your cooking is good, even though it’s not always on the healthy side.” Shane is teasing him and usually Ilya would tease him right back, but he’s so happy to hear Shane’s voice that he doesn’t even have it in him.

He lets out a deep breath. “You played so good, I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you,” Shane laughs. “But it was just Buffalo, you know that’s easy.” 

When Ilya doesn’t say anything, Shane suddenly sucks in his breath. “Sorry, Ilya. God, I didn’t even think about it, like, I didn’t mean it that way. I know you guys are having a hard time, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m an asshole, sorry.”

“Do not call my boyfriend an asshole,” Ilya mumbles. “Is okay, really. I know you did not mean it in a bad way. It should be easy, I am glad is easy for you.”

“Still, I should have thought about it before saying shit like that.”

“Is fine, promise.” Before Shane can spiral any more, Ilya continues. “What are you wearing?”

Shane’s back to laughing and Ilya can’t help a smile from taking over his face while he’s getting comfortable on the bed. It’s not like they have phone sex every time they are talking to each other, and Ilya isn’t even sure he’s in the mood for it, but it’s still fun to tease Shane. He knows exactly what he looks like right now, all red in the face and probably pouting at the empty room. 

“Ilya,” Shane hisses, but there’s no heat behind it.

“What? Just interested in my boyfriend, can you blame me?”

“You’re impossible.” There’s a beat of silence between them. “I wish I was with you right now.” 

Ilya’s heart instantly breaks. He’s used to hearing Shane say stuff like that, but usually it’s with the prospect of them seeing each other soon. Right now there’s no fixed date set for that and it’s driving him crazy. Shane’s road trip has just started and is going on for three more games, shortly after that Ilya leaves for four away games himself and when they’re both back it will have been almost a month since they have last seen each other in person.

Then there’s a Ottawa versus Montreal game, followed by two off days for the both of them, which they would usually definitely spend together. But with the prospect of Luca lurking in the background they haven’t talked about it yet. Ilya tells himself it’s fine, it really is, but he can’t help but wonder if they will be able to figure something out or not. 

“I wish you were here too. Bed is so empty without you and your pillow does not smell like you anymore. Is awful. I hate it, ” Ilya sighs. 

Shane giggles quietly. “Maybe you could ask Haas to join you. I bet he would say yes, he definitely has a crush on you.” 

“Everyone has crush on me. But no, Haas is too young.”

“Oh? That’s the only reason you won’t let him in your bed?”

“Of course. Cannot think of any other reason, really.” 

“Well, then I better hang up the phone, sounds like you have somewhere else to be,” Shane giggles again and the sound fills Ilya’s heart with so much love he doesn’t even know what to do with it. Both of them of course know that they’re not serious, but it’s still fun to be able to joke around like that.

Ilya definitely prefers conversations like this over Shane asking him about how he’s doing. To be honest, he’s surprised his boyfriend hasn’t brought it up yet. 

“No, but seriously, tell me about your day. Was it alright? Do you feel comfortable?” Shane suddenly asks.

“I feel comfortable. Is still a bit weird to have him here but it was nice to cook for two people and to have someone to play Chel with. Someone who does not cheat,” he waits for a second for Shane to say something, but it doesn’t come. “He is nice boy. Very shy, very gentle. This will be good for the both of us. I think. Maybe.” 

“I’m glad. I worry about you when you’re alone, knowing that he’s there makes me feel a bit better.” 

“You do not need to worry about me, Shane.” There’s so much more Ilya wants to say, but he can’t stop himself from tearing up and he’s scared that his boyfriend will be able to tell that he’s crying from his voice alone. I am glad that I have someone who worries about me, is what he wants to say. Maybe you should be worried, at least a bit. But instead he chooses to remain silent and listen to Shane’s steady breathing on the other end of the line. 

“I love you. Stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep, please?” Shane’s voice is barely more than a whisper. 

Ilya nods, even though Shane can’t see him. “Ya lyublyu tebya. Of course, always.” 

🏒

The next two weeks are stressful, with both Ilya and Shane mostly away on the road. Luca and Ilya don’t spend a lot of time at home, but when they do Luca seems happy. He is still quiet and doesn’t offer a lot about himself, but Ilya can see it in the way he carries himself. That when they walk through the door it’s like there’s a small weight being lifted off Luca’s shoulders and he can’t help but feel a bit proud of himself for playing a part in that. 

It’s not like he’s done anything specifically, but it seems like just being there for the boy and offering him a helping hand or an open ear when he needs it seems to work. It also shows on the ice, where Haas seems much more confident than he did two weeks ago. He doesn’t want to admit it, but Luca reminds him a lot of himself, he just hasn’t decided yet if that’s a good or a bad thing. 

Shane and him still hadn’t seen each other in person, they had of course talked to each other on the phone pretty much every day and also engaged in some skype sex here and there, but it’s just not the same. Ilya feels worse about not seeing his boyfriend every day and with the Ottawa versus Montreal game drawing closer, and them still not having made a concrete plan about what to do, he feels more lost than anything. He doesn’t know if he can take seeing Shane, play against him, and then not go home together. 

He makes a mental note to ask Shane about it soon, but somehow the fact that Shane hasn’t brought it up either, doesn't sit right with him. It’s like they’re both avoiding talking about it and he honestly doesn’t know why. 

Three weeks into their arrangement, Ilya and Luca have a rare afternoon off and Ilya decides to use it to go for a run. He doesn’t often do it, but for Ottawa standards it’s a pretty mild November day and he wants to take advantage of the last few rays of sunshine before he won’t see the sun again for the next few months. He asks Luca to join him, but he declines, saying that he would rather stay in.

When Ilya comes back, he finds Luca at the dinner table, hunched over a piece of paper and surrounded by a variety of different pens.

“Hey,” Ilya greets and Luca almost jumps out of his seat. “Sorry, did not want to scare you. You good?”

“Me? Yeah!” Haas nods but Ilya can see him try to hide what’s on the paper. He doesn’t know if he’s writing or drawing, but judging by the fact that he has more than one pen Ilya would bet it’s the second option. 

Ilya chooses to take a gamble. “Did not know you draw.” He tries to keep his voice as neutral as possible as to not scare the rookie off and judging by the way Luca’s shoulders drop slightly and he seems to relax, it seems to work.

“Yeah, I, uh… just something I do from time to time. No big deal.”

“Looks like big deal to me,” Ilya nods at him. “Show me after I shower, okay?”

Without waiting for Luca’s answer, Ilya starts making his way up the stairs and into his en suite.

Thirty minutes later he’s joining Luca at the dining table, who looks like he’s been starving off a panic attack for the entire time. Ilya instantly feels bad, he didn’t want to stress him out, he was just genuinely curious about the drawing. 

“Hey,” Ilya says softly. “Don’t have to show me anything, was just curious. But I understand if it’s private.” 

“No, it’s alright. I’ve just never shown my drawings to anyone outside of my family.”

“You miss them a lot? Your family, I mean.” 

“Yes,” Luca admits. “Every day. But it’s getting better, being here helps. Staying with you helps, thank you again for that. I know you didn’t want to do it and that I’m in the way, but it makes me feel a lot more normal. Hard to explain.”

Ilya’s stomach squeezes uncomfortably and he can’t stop thinking about what he and Shane had talked about a few days ago. It’s not like Ilya has any proof, but something was telling him that Luca was even more like him than he had thought. “Is that something you struggle with? Feeling not normal?” He gently asks, scared of spooking him again. 

“I mean, yeah. It’s hard being away from home, and, don’t get me wrong I love Canada, but the culture here is so different. There are so many things from home that I cannot get here and it’s just… a lot, I guess.” 

Ilya knows there’s something else Haas wants to say, it’s clear in the way he’s avoiding eye contact and rolling his pen between his fingers rapidly. His shoulders are tense again and it makes Ilya’s stomach drop. He really, really thinks he knows what’s happening here, but he also doesn’t know how to breach the topic without being completely out of line. 

“I get that. Probably even more than you think. Russia is… really the most different from Canada in every way. There is so much I do not agree with, probably everything, but I do miss it. I do not wish to go back, ever, but it will always be home. And it is hard to deal with that, to know that I come from a country that would hate me if they knew the real me.” There, he had said it, and if the way Luca is staring at him with his mouth slightly agape is anything to go by, he feels like the message was received. 

“I also am not normal, whatever the fuck that means.” 

“You?” Luca starts, but immediately shuts his mouth again. Ilya can see that there’s so much he wants to say, but he also recognises that the boy is completely overwhelmed by what just happened, so Ilya just shrugs and sends him a soft smile.

“It does not matter what I am, what you are. We still are fucking great hockey players, no? I am best hockey player in the world,” he laughs even though it sounds kind of strained. “We should get to live our lives just like everyone else. Fuck normal, I hate normal. Is boring.”

Ilya just shakes his head. “No. I’m not going to talk about myself any more, is all you get, kid. We talk about your drawing now, let me see.”

Still too stunned to speak, Haas starts moving his hands out of the way so Ilya can see the drawing properly for the first time. “Holy shit,” he says while staring at the drawing of Ilya’s backyard, literally the exact view out of the huge window next to the kitchen island. “Is amazing, what the fuck?”

Luca blushes furiously. “It’s not that good, I haven’t been able to draw a lot lately, so I’m kind of out of practice. I just like it because it gives me something to do with my hands.” 

“Bullshit,” Ilya scoffs. “Looks amazing, so realistic. Is like you took the view and put it directly on the paper. Can’t believe you have been hiding this from me the whole time, looks so professional.”

“It’s nothing really, just a silly little hobby.” Luca tries to hide the drawing with his hands again, but Ilya won’t let him.

“Oh! That is what you carry in your backpack, is it? Paper and pencils and stuff.” Ilya knows he sounds really proud of himself for figuring that out. 

Luca nods softly. “Yeah, I just like having it nearby in case I get nervous or something.” 

“You are amazing, kid. I am going to keep you around.” Ilya says and ruffles Luca’s hair gently. He notices that the blush still hasn’t left the rookie’s face, but chooses to stay quiet about it and instead lets himself enjoy the quiet satisfaction of bonding with someone. 

🏒

Two days later, Ilya feels like he’s finally at a breaking point. The Ottawa versus Montreal game is in three days and he and Shane still haven’t talked about the logistics of it all. He doesn’t know if Shane thinks they’re just not meeting up, or if he should kick Luca out, or if they should get a hotel room. He doesn’t know anything, and it makes him feel like he might die. 

What if Shane expects them to play the game against each other and then he goes back to Montreal? What if he’s actually okay with the idea of not seeing Ilya properly after more than a month?

He’s currently in bed, with Haas down the hall, and losing his mind about not getting to see his boyfriend. He should be feeling pathetic about it, but all he feels is a deep sense of dread and longing for the only person that can fill the hole inside of his chest. It’s not even about the sex, he would give it up in a heartbeat if it meant he would finally be able to feel Shane against his body again. Just to be able to look at him, see the way his chest rises and falls with every breath and to see his flushed cheeks when Ilya says something that makes him laugh. 

He needs to be close to him, needs to know that Shane is alright and needs to wrap his whole body around him and never let go. 

“Fuck it,” he suddenly mumbles to himself and dials Shane’s number quicker than he can second guess himself. He doesn’t even check the time, so he doesn’t even know if Shane will be able to pick up or not. 

Luckily, after a few seconds, he does. “Hello?” Shane’s voice comes through the phone and Ilya’s chest immediately feels a lot lighter.

“What are we doing about our game on Thursday?” Ilya decides to just get it out of the way before he chickens out again. 

“Uh… play it?” Shane’s voice is steady, making it obvious that he has no idea what Ilya is talking about.

“I meant about us. We both have the two days after off. I cannot stay away from you. You cannot make me do that.” 

“Why would I make you stay away? What are you even talking about?” 

“Because Haas. What am I supposed to do? I do not want hotel room, I want you in my bed. Our bed. Doesn’t smell like you anymore and it pisses me off. Need to change that, Shane.” Ilya thinks he has never sounded more serious in his life before, not with Shane.

“Baby, hey. Can you breathe for a second?” Shane waits until he can hear Ilya audibly release a breath. “Good. If you want me to stay with you, I will stay with you, okay? Nothing in the world will keep me away. I love you. Ya vsegda budu tebya lubit.”

Ilya’s breath catches, it’s still so special for him to hear Shane talk Russian. He’s doing it more and more lately, but it will never cease to amaze him. Especially words like that, especially I will always love you. 

He takes another deep breath, willing his voice to stay steady. “Okay. What do we do about Haas?”

“What if you tell him?” Shane says after a few seconds of silence and Ilya has to actually look at his phone display to make sure it’s actually Shane he’s talking to. 

“What did you say?” His voice is barely more than a whisper. 

There’s some rustling at the other end of the line until Shane finally speaks again. “I mean, from what you have told me a few days ago it seems like he might be in the same boat as us,” he takes a deep breath. “Maybe it would be good for him to know. Give you someone other than me to talk with and if he’s staying longer than two months, which i bet he will because you’re already so fond of him, we won’t be able to hide it from him forever. Maybe it’s easier to just tell him and get it over with.

“You serious?” Ilya still can’t believe what he’s hearing, and maybe he should be more scared of the concept of telling someone about them, revealing the biggest secret of his life, but he’s just amazed by how brave Shane is right now. He knows how scary it must be for him to even suggest something like that, so he can’t even begin to imagine what’s going on in his boyfriend’s head right now. 

“I do, I really do, promise.” Shane says and if he’s freaking out as much as Ilya is, he is hiding it well.

“But he is just a child. What if he gets heart attack and dies? Really good hockey player, would suck to lose him.” Ilya tries to lighten the mood and his heart does a little jump when he hears Shane laugh.

“Please, just tell him, you idiot,” Shane giggles. “But don’t scare him to death, he still needs to get the Centaurs their Stanley Cup!” 

They wrap up their phone call only ten minutes later, Shane having agreed to go to the Pike’s for dinner, and Ilya genuinely feels ten pounds lighter after talking to his boyfriend. In retrospect, he really doesn’t know why he had put off the conversation for so long, but he’s glad they finally had it, even though he could have never predicted the outcome of it. 

When he checks the clock, he realises that it’s only 6pm and decides to just bite the bullet and go talk to Haas right now. He just won’t tell him everything. Shane might have said not to scare him to death, but that doesn’t mean he can’t have a bit of fun with it. 

After knocking on Luca’s door softly and being told to come in, he’s not surprised to see the rookie sitting at the table, drawing. It’s something he has done more and more lately and Ilya thinks it’s a good sign that he seems to be getting more comfortable in the house. 

“I have something to say,” Ilya announces, causing Luca to turn away from the desk in order to face him.

“I am bisexual,” he lets it hang between them for a second, giving Luca a chance to say something, but he just keeps staring at Ilya. “My boyfriend is coming over for two days after the Ottawa Montreal game, just wanted you to know. Be nice to him.”

Luca is still staring at him dumbly and Ilya takes the chance to flash him one of his signature smiles. “Okay? Perfect!” He says while starting to make his way out of the room. “Starting dinner now, come help.”

It takes a few more seconds for Luca to react and run out of the room behind Ilya. When he finally catches up to him, Ilya just raises an eyebrow at him.

“You okay? Look kind of flushed.”

“You can’t just dump something like this on me and expect me to not freak out,” he falters. “Shit, like freak out in a good way, I promise. I’m so happy you told me, you have no idea how much this means to me, but like can we focus on the boyfriend part please??? Who is it? You need to tell me!”

“Nope! Surprise for next week.” Ilya laughs and starts making his way down the stairs. “Also, no one knows, so if you want to meet him I recommend you keep your mouth shut about whole thing, please.”

🏒

The game against Montreal is amazing, even though Ottawa loses which comes as a surprise to no one, but Ilya is so happy about seeing Shane again, about finally getting to play him again and being in the same damn room that he can’t stop grinning the entire time. Not even Hayden shooting daggers at him can dampen his mood.

He’s so close to getting to hold Shane in his arms again, so close to getting to kiss him and not let him go for two days, that he almost forgets that he first has to get through Shane and Luca meeting.

It’s not like he thinks it’s going to go badly, but it still scares the shit out of him. Nobody besides Shane’s parents, the Pikes and Rose knows about them. So, officially introducing Shane as his boyfriend to one of his teammates, someone he even lives with, sounds like the stuff straight out of his nightmares.

On the other hand he can’t wait for someone to finally know about them, someone that’s on his side and he can talk to about everything that he’s going through. Even though Luca is so much younger than him, knowing that they’re both more or less in the same boat makes him feel hopeful about the whole thing. Maybe it will also be able to help Luca, and not just Ilya.

Ilya doesn’t see Shane again after they both leave the ice, both going to their respective locker rooms and he knows Shane has to make up an excuse to not go out with the team. Not that it’s going to be hard, since he’s probably just going to tell the Voyageurs that he’s meeting his parents, but it’s yet another thing they have to lie about, again and again. 

He tries not to think about it too hard while getting changed and showered, but he can’t help but feel Haas’ gaze on him the entire time. He hasn’t asked about who his boyfriend is since that day, but Ilya knows that Luca is dying to know. If it wasn’t as funny as it is for Ilya, he would maybe feel a little bad for the rookie. 

Luca is still not saying anything on their drive back home, so Ilya decides to throw him a small bone at least. “He is coming to the house in an hour, I think, still has to take care of some stuff. We start dinner, okay?”

“Can’t you at least tell me his name or something?” Haas finally breaks the silence between them. 

“Is better if you wait, promise is good surprise for you.” Ilya waits for a second. “But I wanted to talk to you about something. I know I already said to keep quiet and nobody knows but… is serious. You cannot tell anyone, not about me and not about him. Need you to promise. Please.” 

“I promise,” Haas says steadily. “Ilya, seriously, I would rather die than ever reveal a secret like this. You can trust me. I know I’m young and probably naive, but I get it, I still can’t believe you’re trusting me with something like this. I won’t let you down.” 

By now Ilya is way too used to the feeling of tears welling up in his eyes, but at least this time they are good tears. “Thank you.” His voice is thick with emotion and he reaches over to pat Luca’s knee quickly, trying to convey to him how thankful he really is.

The drive is over soon enough and when they are inside the house, Ilya immediately starts making his way into the kitchen to pull out the ingredients for their dinner. “Is nothing special,” he admits to Luca, who is watching him carefully. “He is on special diet so we will just have salmon, rice and vegetables, but I will try to sneak him some sauce, do not worry. He always eats so dry, is awful.” 

They work in silence for a while and when it gets too much, Ilya tells Luca to turn the tv on just so he has something to do and there’s some background noise. He has been doing fine so far, but the closer the time of Shane and Luca meeting comes, the more nervous Ilya gets. He knows that objectively it’s going to be fine, but he’s still terrified. 

When the doorbell rings, Ilya immediately stops what he’s doing and looks over at Haas, who looks like he might throw up any second. “Is alright,” Ilya mumbles, more to himself than to the rookie, “I will let him in and we will meet you in kitchen. Just don’t…. don’t move.”

He quickly dries his hands on a dish towel and makes his way over to the front door, heart beating erratically when his eyes finally land on his boyfriend. But at the same time it feels like he’s finally not bearing any weight at all when he sees Shane’s smile and hears his quiet greeting.

Without thinking twice, he pulls Shane against him and presses their foreheads together before letting his nose wander down his boyfriend’s face until he finally reaches his lips. Their kisses are soft and tentative at first, but when Ilya hears Shane moan quietly he can’t help but deepen it, slipping his tongue into Shane’s mouth. 

He kisses him like he’s trying to prove a point, like he’s trying to make up for the month they haven’t been able to see each other and if the way Shane presses closer and closer to him is anything to go by, he seems to be doing a very good job at it. 

When they finally pull away from each other, Shane giggles. “Missed you,” he places another kiss against Ilya’s lips and just as Ilya is about to deepen it, his boyfriend pulls away. “But I think there’s someone we have kept waiting for a bit too long, no?”

Reluctantly Ilya pulls away from Shane, and instead immediately grabs his hand. “Okay, behave. Is a child, you need to be nice to the child.”

“Me? Not nice?” Shane fake gasps. “I am always on my best behavior.”

“Yeah, yeah, boring Canadian and everything. I know.” Ilya winks at him and starts pulling him to the kitchen. He can see Luca standing with his back to them and is grateful to get one more second to get his shit together. 

He takes a deep breath. “Haas, there is someone I would like you to meet.” 

Luca turns around and as soon as his eyes land on Shane his entire body stiffens. If Ilya weren’t so nervous, he would probably laugh at the way Haas’ mouth flies open and he seems unable to close it. For a few seconds they just keep staring at each other until Shane finally breaks away from Ilya and makes his way to where Luca is standing, extending his hand to him. “Hi, Shane Hollander,” he grins. “Nice to meet you, officially.”

Haas grabs Shane's hand and shakes it, but his mouth is still open in surprise. It takes him a few more seconds until he finally somewhat recovers and grips Shane’s hand properly. “Shane Hollander. Holy shit.” His eyes keep darting between Ilya and Shane. “You? It's you?”

“It’s meeee” Shane kind of sing-songs and it makes Ilya laugh, he's never seen him like this before. But it seems to break the tension between them, which he's grateful for. Ilya decides to join the two men over at the kitchen island, wrapping his arms around Shane’s waist from behind. “You now understand why is a secret, yes?”

“Holy shit,” Haas says once again. “Yeah, oh my god, of course. If you want me to, I'm taking this with me to the grave. I swear. I can’t believe your boyfriend is Shane fucking Hollander.”

Ilya wraps his arms more tightly around Shane and drops a quick kiss against the nape of his neck. It feels powerful to be able to do that in front of someone else. “Sometimes I cannot believe either, is best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Shane intertwines his hand with Ilya’s that’s resting on his belly. “Also the best thing that has ever happened to me.” 

Before Luca can break out into another round of swear words, Ilya pulls away from Shane, but not without pressing one last kiss into his hair. “Let’s eat, okay? Long day and Shane needs to stay strong, for later. Needs…uh, was it called? Substance?”

“Sustenance, and don’t say things like that in front of your child.” Shane is laughing, and when Ilya looks over at Luca the rookie is deep red in the face. 

“Well, he better get used to it if he wants to stay.” 

Dinner ends up being a lot more fun than he would have thought, and even though the food is extremely bland both Ilya and Luca don’t say anything about it. Instead Ilya and Shane let Luca grill them about their relationship.

At first he was kind of shy about it, apologising a million times for asking questions, but Shane had reassured him that it’s fine. He didn’t outright say it, but he told Haas that it might be good for him to see and learn about some queer representation in the hockey world. Even if they weren’t out by any means, they both knew that Luca needed some kind of orientation, some kind of example to show him that it could work and that he could let himself be happy. 

They don’t outright mention that they suspect that Luca might be queer too, but they make it extremely obvious that if there was ever something he wanted to talk to them about, he could do so anytime. 

After dinner and with all the dishes put in the dishwasher it becomes quite obvious that Luca is flagging and in some dire need of time to himself. 

“We’re going to our room,” Ilya says while sending a quick wink at Shane. “Haven’t seen each other in a month, is also thanks to you, so either you listen and be grateful or you put in headphones. Your choice.”

“Ilya!” Shane hits him in the arm, immediately turning red in the face. “You can’t just say that.”

“Why? He will hear anyway. Let him prepare.”

Shane flushes even deeper. “Yes, but… oh my god. Shut up, please.” He looks over at Luca, who looks like he’s ready to bolt any second. “I’m so sorry about him. And I’m also sorry about… you know,” he gestures between him and Ilya. “Next time I’m coming over I’m bringing you a pair of noise cancelling headphones, I promise.”

“It’s fine,” Luca finally says. “I’m only here for three more weeks anyway. That’s what you negotiated with coach, right?” As soon as the words are out of Luca’s mouth his face falls, and Ilya can’t help but notice that it also causes a pit to form in his stomach.

He had gotten so used to having Haas around, to having someone to take care of and to look after. 

“Right,” Ilya mumbles and tries to give Luca a reassuring smile. “We will see you for breakfast tomorrow?”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

Luca ends up staying with Ilya for ten months in total, and eventually also with Shane.