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They never tell you that the man would look like that. An angel descending. Golden halo and sky blue eyes. No one explains that he would feel like peace. That he would taste like water.
He would never realize that the man's hands would not heal him. That he did not sit there to save him. Because even up till the last moment, the man will make him feel like he would be saved.
It had been cold that night. He could berate himself for years but it would make no difference. He had no say in the decision that sent the man to his room. That the man ended up sitting in front of him that night. In that steel chair that scraped too fucking loud on the tile. The man never once scraped it. It was as if the man knew he hated it.
He sat on it, with his broad shoulders and his blonde hair and his blue eyes. He folded his hands in front of him and he had leaned in, the conviction of a man that wanted something. Had he had more control, he would still have given him whatever he had asked for.
...
The door of the room opened slowly. It had always scraped too loud, like there were sand beneath it even when there wasn't. The metal door stayed cold constant but that night it had been colder. Erwin was reading the file while the attendant unlocked the door and opened it. He didn't look up and walked in, the file was incomplete.
"The patient refused to speak"
It was nothing new and on any other day he would have given it no thought at all, but he felt impatient. The text message on his phone reminding him of the dinner and the cheap wine bottle that was getting cold in his car outside was occupying him more than he let on.
Levi was lying down on the bed. There was no picture attached to the file. Erwin studied him, no more than a second before he stepped inside and indicated to the attendant to close the door behind him. He glanced at his wrist watch and gave him a time limit. Levi Ackerman.
He was unbound, and looked like he was sleeping but Erwin knew better. The long sleeved sweater and the pants were too large on him and when he was out of focus he looked like a child sleeping, legs tightly held near the chest, head resting on his knees. His hair was fading ink into the white paper sheets he lay on.
Erwin sat down. Levi opened his eyes. Small, alert, black.
"Hello."
...
When he walked in the second night, Levi was sitting on the bed. In the corner away from the window, his hands at his sides, eyes at the door. He had watched when Erwin walked in and greeted him. He had stared when Erwin asked if he could sit down. Erwin sat down. He had sat in the chair for fifteen minutes before he had left the previous night. His sheet stayed incomplete and no one else had any progress with him either. Erwin had been asked to try again so he had. Without dinners to attend and a mother to talk to, he could sit longer and he could wait. He told Levi that. Levi did not respond.
"I will come here until you talk to me. That's... kind of my job."
Levi held his gaze.
"Will you leave when I do?"
Erwin thought about it. Not much though, his answer was honest.
"Yes."
"I'll talk."
...
His hands felt like sandpaper against the bedsheets. The man in front of him almost blurred into the white overhead light. The room made him shiver and sweat at the same time. He tried to look at the man sitting on the chair. He tried to focus on the features, the bridge of the nose, the ring around the blue of his eyes, the way his lips stayed a line, sharp, drawn in. He focused on the sound of his voice, the way he wanted the man to keep speaking.
"I'll talk."
"Can you tell me when you got here?"
Levi watched him still. He thought of how fucking stupid the question was. There was no clock, no calender, the staff never spoke to him.
"Three."
Erwin smiled. Levi noticed how it never reached his eyes. Erwin sat with his hands folded, the file set on the table next to him. He had put the blue pen parallel to the file, next to him, not touching it. He learned back in his chair.
"Why are you here, Levi?"
"Shouldn't it be on the file?"
"Ah- the file." Erwin picked it up with his left hand and placed it on his knee and picked up the pen.
"The file tells me the condition you were in when you were brought here." He tapped the pen to a page. "But it doesn't tell me why you are here."
Levi pressed himself back against the wall. The rough brick walls painted white felt almost comical. But it felt cold on his back and his back hurt.
"I don't know why I'm here."
"What was the condition I was in when I was brought here? According to your file."
"You know what it said. Tell me, how are you feeling today?"
"Like fucking shit."
Erwin nodded, uncapping the pen. He placed the cap on the table.
"Have you been sleeping these days?"
"If I can. How many questions are left?"
Levi watched Erwin write in the file.
"A lot. Do you want to stop for today?"
"No. Finish it fast."
"Do you have a place you want to be right now?"
Levi thought about where he had been before he was in this room and how clean Erwin's clothes looked. His pastel green shirt and his sage trousers and his loafers. Levi thought about how cold he still felt even when his sweaters hid his hands and feet. He noticed how clear Erwin's skin was, someone that was not just clean, someone that had not been dirtied.
"Anywhere but here." Erwin did not write that down but instead he was watching Levi watch him. He had the urge to look away, the blue of his eyes felt too bright when it was on him directly, like lying down on grass at noon.
"I understand." Erwin said. Levi closed his eyes instead.
"We still have almost half an hour left." Erwin waited a moment before continuing. "You told me you would talk."
Levi opened his eyes. "Your questions aren't necessarily conversational topics."
"Is it not?" His pen moved across the file. "I just want to know more about you."
"To fill the form or to do something else?" The pen hovered before he looked up at Levi. He wrote again.
"What would you rather it be for?" Erwin asked, and his voice held a slight fever, a moment gone before Levi registered it.
"Whatever that will make you let me leave."
Erwin tapped the file with the pen and smiled. "The file, it is. Can you tell me anything that makes you feel better than how you feel right now?"
"The food here sucks."
"I will check about that."
Levi thought about that after the door closed behind him and the lock clicked in place. The food stayed the same.
...
"Why did you not call the authorities?" Erwin asked the next night. Levi had no energy to sit on the bed so he stayed in the same position, head against the thin pillow, legs curled inwards and his eyes closed. Erwin had not asked about his day or how he felt. Levi saw pictures. Unlike flashes that never stayed long, these were printed out, colors vivid on a white cloth. He could make out how many days he was in the room but he could not even guess how much time he spent sitting there. He had no reason to look at them. The first snapshot was engraved and colored in. It never left.
"What authorities?" Levi asked when Erwin did not speak. Did not change the question or ask him why he did not answer. There was no response from Erwin to what Levi asked.
"If I did, would I not be here?" Levi asked, even though he was sure of the answer. He watched Erwin through his lashes. The vignette of the lashes and the brightness of the room created a contrast Erwin did not match. His light hair and face were one with the white of the room.
"Yes." Erwin's voice was not deep. It stayed even throughout. Like varnish on old furniture. Like the oak cupboard in his old room.
Levi opened his eyes fully. The light stung as always and Erwin was perfect, as always. Even when he told himself not to let the thoughts wander, he could not help himself. Levi turned away and faced the wall. The session needed to finish.
...
The first time Levi was allowed to go out of the room, he chose not to. He stayed in until it was almost the time for the lights to go out and walked out. One of the nurses, a pretty little thing with fire hair tamed on her head had asked Levi what he wanted to do. Wanting to do something in a place like that had not occured to him and he looked at her face wondering how it had occured to her to ask that. She added to her conversation by informing him of the recreational room, and that he could meet other people there. He searched for a clock and found none. It felt deliberate, the lack of time. He went back inside the room.
...
It was early morning. He knew that because they had just brought in breakfast. Toast with two eggs, sunny side up and a piece of bacon that did not taste like bacon. A cup of coffee sat stale on the side of the steel tray. By then, he had gotten used to drinking coffee from plastic cups. He stared at the wall and counted paint chips. It was the same as the other days. He ate slowly, taking his time, chewing each morsel as slow as he could. He drank water in between bites and checked how much water he had from the lines on the plastic bottle. The bottle emptied before he started on the second piece of toast and even though the urge was there to crush the bottle, he left it on the table. The staff interrupted any time there was a loud noise and he hated the smell. By the time he finished his food, except the bacon slice, the staff had brought in the pills. Two blue capsules and a small white pill on a piece of paper. The routine stayed the same. They handed the glass of water. They checked his mouth. They took the tray with them when they left. The only different occuring that day was the staff informing him that he had an appointment with the doctor after lunch. He made no comment but he thought of the man with blue eyes and broad shoulders.
...
It was the same girl that led him to the room. She had walked in before he had finished his lunch. The lunch was the same that week. Meatloaf. Levi hated it but he swallowed all of it. He knew how important it was to be able to eat. The click of the lock made him stop mid way. Spoon held halfway between the plate and his face. He placed it on the plate and picked up the napkin. The girl had walked in with the largest smile plastered on her face.
"Good afternoon!" Her shrill voice was grinding glas in his ears. Levi studied her face quietly. Her smile did not falter. Her red hair was tied to the back and she had a small hairpin on the left side of her hair. A small smily face. The yellow of it matched her hair. "Let's go!" In the same beat, she motioned to the door. Levi crumpled the napkin and left it next to the plate before following her out.
...