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Mike didn't remember it well, he didn't remember anything well really. No one remembers their youth but sometimes it felt like Mike didn't remember anything. Sure once he turned twelve it was hard to forget moments of his life, even dangerous too, but anything before that; gone. There were events Mike knew happened but he couldn't actively recall them, it was like a heavy fog over everything in his childhood. It would cover parts of his recent memory too, he remembered nothing of Sophomore year and that was just last year.
He wouldn't say he knew the cause, he couldn't remember anything so he couldn't be for sure but he's pretty sure it started in the fourth grade. He would have been eight about to turn nine. He could barely reach the kitchen counter and he had started wanting to die. To curl up on the floor and disappear because the world around him started to hurt.
Mike didn't just become suicidal no, but that's the feeling he remembers. The longing for death and also pain. He isn't sure of what happened exactly. Or he was and he was lying to himself. Everything got foggy around this time, he tried to keep a list of events to remember.
A kid hurt you. You tried to kill yourself. You still think about it, all of it.
Or did anything really happen, a kid hurt him. It was a kid, he was a kid too they could have just been playing around. Kid's experimented right? Mike could have gone along with it. It wasn't like he got hurt. He couldn't remember anyway, maybe he was being dramatic.
He couldn't really remember much other than the feeling of hands on him. Fully clothed, in public, and without warning. But he forgot most of it so it wasn't important. The fogginess of these memories were due to know trite they were. You don't remember most of your youth anyway.
Whatever the kid did, he probably didn't understand. However Mike felt was just him being dramatic as always. He wasn't, hurt like that. There wasn't, it was just a feeling. Mike barely remembered anyway.
Even with the forgetting Mike still felt aftereffects, even though he shouldn't have any. Why should he be reacting like he had trauma with something he doesn't even remember. Why does he peel away from touch when he doesn't initiate, why does he freeze when his friends get angry, why does he retaliate in hopes someone just anyone would hurt him. Why does he still feel like dying, why did he tip himself of a cliff at twelve. Mike shouldn't have wanted to die, he had forgotten all about it. Mike shouldn't want to ruin his life, his life was perfect. The way he sought out pain was ridiculous, he was perfectly fine. But no, he had himself sitting on the floor cutting himself. He had himself sucking up to people in hopes of, something. He had himself burning bridges between everybody he loved.
Mike didn't remember much but he supposes he knew the basics. A kid hurt him. He tried to kill himself. He is always thinking about it, memory or not. All of that is what led him to where he was now. An angry boy with too many secrets in his heart. Pain bursting at every seam yet it was like no one noticed. No one saw the hurt he carried and that was okay.
It was too late to tell anybody now. Mike barely remembered anything anyway. It would be a waste of time. No one remembers their youth.