[Tweet] @roz81: My son has turned into iPad baby. How do I stop this? Somebody give me phone number of Apple. Tell them to destroy iPads

[Tweet] @HerezPilton: Breaking News! confirmation of multiple illegitimate children from Ilya Rozanov. Go to the link in bio for full article!

or, Ilya is an online menace much to everyone's dismay

Work Text:

ilya rozanov
@roz81

My son has turned into iPad baby. How do I stop this? Somebody give me phone number of Apple. Tell them to destroy iPads

12:33 PM · Oct 2, 2021

91k Retweets 47.8k Quote Tweets 93.2k Likes

Gossip and Goals

Ilya Rozanov: Baby Daddy?!

In a recent tweet, the Ottawa Centaurs Captain casually exposes his own fatherhood. Rozanov tweets that his “son has turned into an iPad baby.” This of course both implies the existence of a son and that Rozanov is potentially dissatisfied with this mystery offspring. Has the existence of an “oopsie” baby sparked trouble in his new marriage to fellow Centaur, Shane Hollander? It’s no secret that Rozanov is known for being a ladies man. But optimistic fans had hoped that the former playboy had reformed his ways for Hollander.

Apparently, no such luck.

Fans are left to wonder, if this son is young enough to leave his downtrodden Papa concerned about his becoming an “iPad Baby,” has Rozanov stepped out on his marriage? Do we smell an affair?

A source close to Rozanov says that the marriage that sparked so much controversy not too long ago is already on the rocks. Allegedly, Hollander is not too pleased with being a new step-daddy. This source claims that Rozanov has lamented that Hollander is an “absentee” father. People close to the pair say that Rozanov has complained about Hollander refusing to participate in “family bonding activities.” Those close to Hollander say that he has called the whole thing “completely ridiculous.” Was he on the verge of tears when he said that? Packing his things to leave Rozanov? Barely concealing his disgust? We can’t say for sure, but encourage our readers to leave their speculations in the comments!

And of course, most importantly, we’re all left asking: Who is the mother?!

Stevie
@rozsgod

I heard Rozanov actually had twins.

2:22 PM · Oct 2, 2021

46 Retweets 19 Quote Tweets 32 Likes

Bumble Bea @buzzbuzzbabe · Oct 2
Replying to @rozsgod

Can confirm. I’m one of the twins. Goo goo gah gah where’s my trust fund?

Wyatt Hayes @hazywyatt · Oct 2
Replying to @rozsgod

I heard it was quintuplets actually, check your source

cens stan
@centaurchamps

I heard Rose Landry is the mother of Rozanov's baby...

2:09 PM · Oct 2, 2021

34 Retweets 12 Quote Tweets 41 Likes

Hollanov Please Just Let Me Watch @hollanovsthird · Oct 2
Replying to @centaurchamps

Heard where???? If anything, Rose would be the surrogate mother

Rose Should Be President @voteforrose · Oct 2 Replying to @centaurchamps

It’s so disappointing how Rose keeps letting those two men do her dirty like this.

Stanley Cup Champs 2020 @hollandersideboob · Oct 2
Replying to @centaurchamps

Rose Landry is absolutely Mother, but she’s not a mother

Shane's Pecs Are Holy
@9goalsroz

Sooooo nobody wants to consider that Hollanov maybe had a baby togetherrrr or?????

2:55 PM · Oct 2, 2021

112 Retweets 280 Quote Tweets 1.1k Likes

omega shane hollander @breedhimplease· Oct 2
Replying to @9goalsroz

I don’t remember seeing Shane pregnant

Ronan Hunter @scotthuntermarryme · Oct 2
Replying to @9goalsroz

That would be crazy. They’re both on the road 24/7, why would they have a baby right now

Shane's Pecs Are Holy @9goalsroz · Oct 2
Replying to @scotthuntermarryme

I mean they got a dog together so

Ronan Hunter @scotthuntermarryme · Oct 2
Replying to @9goalsroz

Are dog and human baby the same thing to you????

Shane's Pecs Are Holy @9goalsroz · Oct 2
Replying to @scotthuntermarryme

yeah, why?

Bart
@manlyman

I’ve put up with a lot from the MLH these days. First there was Scott Hunter and that inappropriate kiss. But I got over that. And then there was Barrett and everything he’s done. Again, got over it. And then Hollander purposefully blows the playoffs so he can keep getting laid by Rozanov. But, again, got over it. But now you want me to be okay with those two having a whole baby together? That’s too far.

3:20 PM · Oct 2, 2021

118 Retweets 92 Quote Tweets 134 Likes

Shane's Beard @allstarkissers · Oct 2
Replying to @manlyman

I can’t hear you over me planning Hollanov’s baby shower

Jeffrey Jefferson
@cleanuptherink

Does nobody care about family or wholesome values anymore?! The MLH has been plagued with affairs and homosexuality and drugs and whatever Dallas Kent is doing for years now. But I have to DRAW THE LINE at this out of wedlock child

3:40 PM · Oct 2, 2021

99 Retweets 89 Quote Tweets 71 Likes

Barrett @troybbaby · Oct 2
Replying to @cleanuptherink

That’s where you have to draw the line???

Kyle @kyleswift · Oct 2
Replying to @cleanuptherink

I’m too lazy to find it but just know I’m thinking of the *I can forgive racism but I draw the lines at animal cruelty* pic

ilya rozanov
@roz81

Looking for babysitter in Ottawa. Send resume. Must be good at swaddling giant baby

3:58 PM · Oct 2, 2021

85k Retweets 42.1k Quote Tweets 91.7k Likes

WAGs can be dudes too

Kip
Link: Ilya Rozanov: Baby Daddy?!
Kip
Um????
oh no
cat has come out of bag
I am mother now
tell Scott the baby is his. he must send child support now
no actually. tell bennett. he is more sugar daddy
Kyle has removed Ilya from the group chat
Kyle
Ilya’s on time out while we ask Shane, very calmly, what the fuck???????!!!!!
Shane
It’s really nothing guys
Harris
I know we all love Ilya
Kip
Debatable
Harris
But if he cheated on you Shane, you know we’re on your side right?
Fabian
And he’ll have a knife in his side 😇
Archie
you do NOT have to be a step mother if you don't want to shane!!!
Shane
Really, guys. It’s not like that.
Shane has added Ilya to the group chat
first: rude
second: I did not know we could remove people from chat. I will remember this power
third: rude
Kyle
possible cheaters don’t get to be WAGs 🤷‍♂️
I do not think this is true. But I do not cheat so does not matter
Harris
Then how do you have a baby?
Harris
Wait.
Harris
Did you two assholes have a baby and not tell anyone??????!!!!!!!!!
yes
Shane
Ilya.
Ilya has removed Shane from the group chat
he is shy about this
yes we have son
Kip
OMFG
Kyle
What the fuck?!
Archie
Holy shit!!! Congratulations!!!!!!!!
Fabian
Congrats guys. Would you prefer a Chanel diaper bag or one of those Swedish strollers?
obviously chanel diaper bag
Harris
Wow! I’m so happy for you two! And shocked! And mad you didn’t tell us! And happy! Getting all the emotions today
Harris
Does the team know? Troy is gonna flip
no. sorry, was surprise
Harris
the baby was a surprise or you want to surprise everyone?
yes

Montreals Biggest Haters

Troy
Uh I hear congrats are in order?
Bood
Oh god, are you buying into gossip mag BS now Barrett?
Troy
I wasn't
Troy
Until Ilya confirmed it to Harris
Luca
Confirmed what?
Troy
The stork’s arrival
Luca
I do not understand, what does this mean?
Troy
Means a mini Ilya is running around loose in the world right now. Haunting idea tbh
Young
WHAT
LaPointe
No fucking way
Dykstra
Not to sound…. uncultured… but how is that possible guys. I mean I know you’ve given it your best shot, but I figured nature would stop you in the end
I have my ways
Wyatt
Wait is this for real? I assumed it was a joke
no, I am papa now. could you not see maternal glow coming from me? my ankles are swelling like balloon at this moment
Shane
Oh Jesus Ilya
Shane
There is no baby guys, calm down
then why am I on maternity leave now?
Shane
There is no baby. Nobody has adopted or IVF’d or immaculate conceptioned as far as I know. Ilya has no children with me or anyone else.
Wyatt
Then who’s his son?
Luca
Son?
Troy
Ilya tweeted about his son being an iPad baby at the end of practice today
Bood
He probably just meant his dog or something. He's weird sometimes
Troy
1) how does a dog use an iPad
Troy
2) Anya’s a girl
how could you forget that she is my beautiful daughter?
Bood
You’re right, I got the Christmas card of her in a tutu. I should’ve remembered
Wyatt
So who is iPad son then?
Shane
It’s no one. It’s just a joke he makes sometimes.
you would call our son ‘no one’, Hollander? this is why I am favorite father
Shane
You’re nobody’s favorite father because you are not a father.
this is what you say to me? and so close to father’s day?
Shane
It's October.
Dykstra
Wait.
Dykstra
Wasn’t Haasy watching videos on his little iPad in the locker room today?
yes
Shane and I think he needs screen time limit
is not good for his development
Troy
Seriously? Was this whole thing about Haas?
Luca
I’m iPad baby? Affair child?
yes iPad baby. no affair. Shane was there for your conception
Shane
Ilya.
Young
🤢
Luca
Thank you for this terrible image
you’re welcome сын
Luca
Do I need to translate that or is it son
Shane
You got it in one.
Luca
So there is an article now about Ilya having a secret child. But I am the secret child?
Wyatt
*secret love child
Shane
Yes. We’re sorry, it’s just something he likes to say about the younger players sometimes. I’m like 90% sure that he knows that you aren’t his actual child.
yes I am sorry
sorry nobody values adoption in this team
I am not mad. but I am very disappointed in you all
Bood
Pretty sure adoption needs to be consensual. And not of a full grown man.
this is not true
and he is not full grown man. is iPad baby
Luca
I’m never using my iPad again
good. it rots brains
Shane
Ilya I cannot stress enough: Luca is not our son
then why did I breastfeed him
Luca
EW
Shane
Ilya. No.
Bood
You’re putting a hundred bucks in the Perv Jar next practice
Shane
Fix this Ilya.
fine, I will fix thing that is not problem at all

ilya rozanov
@roz81

I am father of many children. In order of favorite I have: Anya. Ruby. Jade. Amber. Arthur. Luca. Chiron. Young. Dog I saw outside grocery store yesterday. LaPointe. Bergy. Wyatt Hayes. Shane is only mother to three of them but we do not know which three yet. Waiting for paternity test.

8:14 PM · Oct 2, 2021

50.3k Retweets 11.9k Quote Tweets 72.1k Likes

Shane Hollander @shanehollander · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

Seriously? Why would you be waiting for a paternity test if I’m their mother?

Harris Drover🏒🍎 @HarrisDrover · Oct 2 Replying to @shanehollander

THAT’S the part you have a problem with?

Herez Pilton @PiltonNews · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

Breaking News: confirmation of multiple illegitimate children from Ilya Rozanov. Go to the link in bio for full article!

Luca Haasyyy🇨🇭 @haasyhaas · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

I’m fifth??? This whole thing was about me and I’m only fifth????

ilya rozanov @roz81 · Oct 2 Replying to @haasyhaas

Shh go back to iPad. Adults are talking

Bergy @homiebergy · Oct 2 Replying to @haasyhaas

Dude I’m listed after multiple animals, including one he doesn’t know the name of. take the win

Roz's Girl @rozsgirl8169 · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

wait he has HOW MANY CHILDREN

Wyatt Hayes @hazywyatt · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

I’m literally older than you.

Hayden Pike @haydpike · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

Did you just rank my children

ilya rozanov @roz81 · Oct 2 Replying to @haydpike

No I ranked my children. Please get eyes checked, me and Jackie are worried about your brain

Centaurs lets goooooooooo @centaursforthecup · Oct 2
Replying to @roz81

wait I thought anya was a dog

Montreals Biggest Haters

Shane
How was that fixing it????
Shane
Call Harris, Ilya.

ilya rozanov
@roz81

I have been told by nameless persons named Harris and Shane that I must say something different about my many children. I apologize for making confusion. The truth is that Shane is the mother of ALL of my children, not just three. Also, Scott Hunter is the great great great grandfather of all of my children. Hope that clears this up

9:01 PM · Oct 2, 2021

103k Retweets 65.2k Quote Tweets 113k Likes

Shane Hollander @shanehollander · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

I can't decide if I hate this more or not.

Harris Drover🏒🍎 @HarrisDrover · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

Thanks for clearing that up, Ilya 🙄

Scott Hunter @ScottHunter · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

How am I now on this deranged family tree?

ilya rozanov @roz81 · Oct 2 Replying to @ScottHunter

You are founding member of family tree. You were alive when all family trees began four billion years ago

ilya rozanov
@roz81

Alright I will admit maybe possibly some parts of bad article were not true. But also some parts were true. Like, Shane is deadbeat dad😔

9:30 PM · Oct 2, 2021

98.4k Retweets 87k Quote Tweets 111k Likes

Shane Hollander @shanehollander · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

How can I possibly be a deadbeat dad?

ilya rozanov @roz81 · Oct 2 Replying to @shanehollander

You will not have family dinner with us. You do not care if our son is being safe. You will not take family photos. There is no love in our home now😔

Shane Hollander @shanehollander · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

One, the family dinners are you taking Luca out for milkshakes and burgers. No I will not participate in that, we are professional athletes.

Shane Hollander @shanehollander · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

Two, the ‘being safe’ in question was you trying to give Luca and Archie a frankly horrifying number of condoms for Luca’s birthday.

Shane Hollander @shanehollander · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

Three, yes, you’re right. I will not got to a studio and do an entire photoshoot of family photos with what is essentially us and our coworker.

ilya rozanov @roz81 · Oct 2 Replying to @shanehollander

I just wish you loved our son

Shane Hollander @shanehollander · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

I just wish you weren’t so strange.

ilya rozanov @roz81 · Oct 2 Replying to @shanehollander

I am now single mother

Luca Haasyyy🇨🇭 @haasyhaas · Oct 2 Replying to @shanehollander

I know you’re not a deadbeat dad Shane, don’t worry

ilya rozanov @roz81 · Oct 2 Replying to @haasyhaas

ahh see now we are upsetting the baby. We should not fight in front of him. Luca cover your ears

Luca Haasyyy🇨🇭 @haasyhaas · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

This is happening over text

ilya rozanov @roz81 · Oct 2 Replying to @haasyhaas

Cover eyes too. Cover everything. No more phone. You have had too much iPad time now

Luca Haasyyy🇨🇭
@ haasyhaas

After learning about my recent (forced) adoption, I am wondering where is my allowance? I feel I am owed 20 years worth now. I take cash or venmo, no checks please I hate going to the bank

9:51 PM · Oct 2, 2021

86k Retweets 70k Quote Tweets 102.1k Likes

ilya rozanov @roz81 · Oct 2 Replying to @haasyhaas

@shanehollander Bood made me put all my cash in pervert jar, so pay our child

Shane Hollander @shanehollander · Oct 2 Replying to @roz81

If I leave you, will that mean you have to keep custody of Luca?

Luca Haasyyy🇨🇭 @haasyhaas · Oct 2 Replying to @shanehollander

😧 Do not make me a child of divorce

Jane😩🤤

the baby is upset

He's not a baby, Ilya.

...

Is he really upset?

He thinks you are mad at him🥺

I'm not mad at him. I think *you're* ridiculous, but that's not his fault.

then why do you not want to be his papa

Because he already has a father?

who is very far away

he is missing home, I think

...

Alright, fine.

Shane Hollander
@shanehollander

I'm a #proudpapa @haasyhaas

10:23 PM · Oct 2, 2021

190k Retweets 103k Quote Tweets 187.5k Likes

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