Archive of Our Own ^beta

lovers and their cockblock

Hayden
Shane how mad would you be if you were a husband short?
Shane
I mean, not thrilled.
Hayden
You would make a great widow though
Hayden
The black veil would be a good look on you
everything is a good look on him😩
but why is he becoming most beautiful widow?
Hayden
Because I’m on hour 4 (four!!!!) of Ruby’s latest drum solo
good for her. practice makes good
you should try practicing hockey sometime
Hayden
I’m literally so close to driving to Ottawa to strangle you right now
Shane
We would love for you to visit!
Shane
Preferably not in order to murder Ilya, but still.
you do not have to visit
for any reason
If I visit there will absolutely be a homicide involved
I am shaking 🥱
Shane
Is Ruby not good at the drums?
Hayden
No clue
Hayden
It’s hard to judge good quality drumming when my ears are actively bleeding
Hayden
This is the worst gift anyone has ever gotten any person
she loves it
she said best gift ever. and she is better judge of things than you
most people are
Hayden
Rozanov I swear to god
Shane
Ilya, please. Not the moment.
what?
what is my crime?
is illegal to give present? lock me in handcuffs, mr. officer
Hayden
I would if I could
Shane
I’ll do it for you, don’t worry.
🥵😩 promise?
Shane
Not if you don’t behave.
I am always behaving
Hayden
For the love of god PLEASE keep it in your pants. At least until my ears stop ringing
Hayden
Which will probably be never at this rate. Thank you Rozanov
oh
I cannot do nice thing for my godchild???
Hayden
How is she your godchild? Our kids don’t have godparents
exactly. position was up for grab, so I grab
Shane
Wouldn’t I be the godfather if anyone is?
no I called it already. too late too slow too bad for you
Hayden
You can’t just “call” being MY child’s godfather
I did not call being your child’s godfather
I call being all of Jackie’s children’s godfather
Hayden
They’re both of our children, asshole
no, no. never confirmed. paternity test is not back yet
we would forgive jackie of course if they are not
would understand
Shane
We love Jackie!
Hayden
???! Unhelpful Shane
Hayden
You’re still not the godfather of Jackie’s AND MY children
too late
I already made t shirt
says fairy godfather
no returns
Hayden
Burn it. And burn the fucking drum set while you’re at it
but my Ruby loves drums🥺
she is already being raised by 15th best hockey player
has she not suffered enough???
Hayden has left the group chat
Ilya has added Hayden to the group chat
Hayden
I hate you

lovers and their cockblock



Santa is on way with Christmas presents
Hayden
Please please PLEASE tell me that you have presents for like 40 other people’s children in that trunk
you have ten million children, Pike. this is normal number of gifts for that many children
Hayden
Even you have to understand that this is insane, Roz
Shane
No we passed insane after the third Toys R Us run. This is psychotic territory.
whose side are you on🥺
Shane
I'm on whatever side means I don't have to drive around in a giant rental car decked out like Santa's sleigh.
you are all grinch
Shane
I can’t even fit in the passenger seat right now. There’s hot wheels cars digging into every inch of my body. I'll happily steal Christmas from any Who to get this to end.
Hayden
And to all a goodnight😒
just for that, we will be stopping at mall on our way to Montreal

lovers and their cockblock

Hayden
I regret the day you learned my home address
Shane
Well that’s hurtful.
Hayden
Not you. The monster you married
I do not know what you mean
😇
Shane
I don’t think you’ve ever once used that emoji and been actually innocent of something.
Shane
What’d he do now?
Hayden
There is currently a giant dollhouse castle in my living room with Jade’s name on it
Shane
… I know I don’t have kids, Hayd. But that feels like a not bad gift
see? 😇
Hayden
Let me rephrase
Hayden
There is currently a giant UNASSEMBLED dollhouse castle taking up 90% of my living room
Hayden
It’s in its box, which also contains an assembly instruction manual as thick as Moby Dick
Shane
Ooh sounds like you’re gonna get to have a fun evening.
the terrible part is he is not being sarcastic
this is really his dream night, reading instructions
Shane
Sorry for getting fulfillment from a job done right.
Hayden
Not everybody gets a sick thrill out of reading an instruction manual Shane. We don’t all want to know the official rules of Uno
oh god do not mention uno to him
is banned in our house for good reason
Shane
You can’t actually stack a draw 2 on top of another draw 2! It’s against the rules!
and you are against fun
Hayden
Don’t make me side with Rozanov while I’m mad at him, Shane
how can you be mad at me
I bet Jade is not mad at me
she loves castle, yes?
Hayden
....
Hayden
No comment
so is happy Jade not worth boring dad reading little instruction manual?
Hayden
It is not “little”
Hayden
And I hope happy Jade is worth Uncle Ilya being beaten with tiny doll furniture pieces
if it makes my Jade happy😇
Hayden
You’re the worst
oh I see
you are afraid she will like me better
Hayden
I swear to god
is okay! fear is valid. I am more fun. and more handsome. and better at hockey. it is hard for you to be in competition with this
Hayden
You are not more fun than me
but no response to more handsome or better at hockey
Hayden
🖕

lovers and their cockblock

Pike
why have you not responded to my letter
Shane
…. You wrote Hayden a letter?
Shane
Like… a threatening letter? With cut out letters from magazines?
Hayden
No even scarier
Hayden
It’s an American Girl doll’s catalogue with a note just saying “have children circle and send back”
were directions not clear enough for you
Hayden
I’m not going to have the girls just circle dolls they want??
of course not
not just the girls
all children
arthur can have doll too
I think he would like Kit best
do you deprive my godson of dolls? is that why you do not respond to letter?
Hayden
You know that's not what the problem is here
good, then send back letter
Hayden
😐😐
Hayden
I’m blocking you
I will just buy all of them if you do not let my godbabies pick
Shane
He’s not bluffing, unfortunately.
Hayden
......
Hayden
I’ll send it back to you by the end of the week