Chapter Text
Hayden Pike does not disappoint. Within two days, Ilya is in possession of Carolina’s plays and strategies document. Pike’s guy also lists all the players’ weak spots: Tiny Dickman has a bad knee from their onslaught earlier in the season, the good defenseman has bruised ribs, the starting left winger just had shoulder surgery. There’s usable intel on about 12 of Carolina’s players here.
For his own contribution, Ilya starts to research Carolina’s players’ lives. What will actually hurt them? He looks at court documents, divorce proceedings, recent obituaries, anything that will give them chirp fodder that won’t just annoy, it will distract, disarm, even paralyze. It’s below the belt, for sure, so he makes sure the guys on the receiving end deserve it. He doesn’t want to traumatize some innocent rookie with a chirp about his brother in prison just because he got drafted by the wrong team. For those more neutral, non-odious players, he finds innocent but freaky facts: their third-grade teacher’s name, their mom’s favorite brand of wine, what instrument they played in high school. Weird enough to startle them and give the opponent the advantage. The referees might dislike some of this stuff, but if they do it out of earshot, or the chirping player is expendable, the payoff could be worth the risk.
He is cautious. Only one team plays Carolina at a time, so the intel is limited to that team. He spreads it carefully between gays and allies so no one player has it all. Luckily the first series is against New Jersey, where Ilya has two gays (well, #19 is gay and #7 is bisexual) and an ally, Brophy. It's a little frustrating; Ilya can't even tell his three guys that there's someone else on the team with other information. But if one of them approaches another queer player with a cheat code, they're going to get inadvertently clocked and outed. Finally he comes to the best conclusion, which is just telling the two Queer Council members that there's another on their team and if they don't want to be clocked they should be careful with the info. God bless New Jersey, they are both amenable to coming out to each other. They could have done that to begin with and saved Ilya a lot of stress. He tells them the ally member will also have separate instructions.
The information is dispersed strategically. The highest-ranking person should get the leaked strategies and plays, but if that person is a goody-two-shoes, it will go to the shadiest. Luckily, as an Alternate Captain, #7 is the highest-ranking and he is adequately shady. Enforcers and defensemen, like Brophy, should get the injuries list. Offensive lines get the chirps. He doesn’t send the original document out, and everything in writing is carefully coded. To an outsider, it could just look like a player giving another player helpful tips. The outsider would not be aware of the phone call preceding those tips with all the context. Even if they get caught, the only one in real trouble is Pike’s traitorous Carolina friend, but Ilya does what he can to protect that nameless, faceless person anyway.
Ultimately, it’s up to each player. If they want to use the resources Ilya is offering, they can. If their personal moral code can’t stand it, he’s not pressuring them. Shane, for example, probably wouldn’t be open to these kinds of ideas. But Ilya won’t have to worry about that unless both of their teams advance another two rounds. Even then, Montreal’s backup, Ilya’s #13, is a corrupt little loose cannon with zero moral qualms. So Shane could probably be persuaded to take some of the more benign chirps, while #13 and Pike take the serious stuff.
The New Jersey players are not only game to try the tactics, they gently inform their teammates, each agreeing to take credit for Ilya’s intel. It’s a lot less suspicious to say “It seems like Gordon is favoring his right foot,” or “I looked it up and the goalie hit a pedestrian during his last DUI,” than to say “Ilya Rozanov told me dozens of horrible secrets about every member of the team, each worse than the last.”
All Ilya can do is watch from his base of operations in Boston, where he has moved many of the lists and documents in front of the television to keep track of which details are used. Repeating the same chirp, being too obvious about targeting the same injury, or blocking the same play could give them away.
In the first round, New Jersey does pretty well with the information. They are able to hold their own and push 6 games against what should be the best team in the league. Ilya's #7 could have been less obvious about tripping that defenseman with the bad ankle, but it ends up a moot point. In game 6, they fail to catch up in time and let Carolina advance. There’s a bright side: Brophy targets some pre-existing injuries and by the end of the series, two of Carolina's guys are out for the playoffs.
NJMLHLGBTQFOIR group chat
#19: Sorry cap we tried
Ilya: the fuck is this group name
Ilya: FOIR?
Ilya: all three of you are here?
#19: New Jersey Major League Hockey LGBTQ Friends of Ilya Rozanov duh
Brophy: I told them the chat name didn’t really apply bc you and I aren’t gay
Brophy: but im cool with it if you are
#7: RIP to my Scott Hunter moment
#7: At this rate, I'll never be Rozanov And Scott Hunter's Yearly Coming Out Club King 😔
#19: Stop trying to make RASHYCOCK happen.
#7: just wait. it will spread.
Ilya: you got two asshole starters out
Ilya: is good first round
#19: we’re taking Broph to a gay bar tonight to mourn our loss
#19: it's his role as cultural ambassador to come with us
#7: lol like you live in gay bars? you JUST turned 21 and your bf still has a fake ID
Brophy: im going to feel like a predator
Brophy: Roz I heard you went to a Scott Hunter night at a gay bar last year, any tips for a straight dude?
NJMLHLGBTQFOIR (minus Brophy) group chat
#19: wait what does Brophy think is happening?
Ilya: he thinks i am spokesperson for straights
#7: sorry WHAT?
Ilya makes a note that #7 and #19 can be texted together and shortens his mass text list by one. For a moment, he thinks maybe he can convince his other teams to do the same. Most of his players would still not be ok coming out to even the other queer members of their team, but he wants to work toward it. That is, until the New Jersey group chat continues throughout their bar night. After several hours of "where did you go?" and "are you two leaving?" Ilya is once again counting himself lucky. Individual team chats of 3-4 people would be way worse than his current system.
RASHYCOCK is catchy, though.
Montreal is also booted out of the running in the first round, by Buffalo. It’s great because Shane is now with Ilya all the time. It’s terrible because Ilya needs to orchestrate the largest maybe-not-legal game fixing in MLH history with Mr. Rulebook sitting next to him on the couch. Ilya loves that Shane is so supportive of his enterprise, but he would not be as accepting of all of it. So, he tells Shane the bare minimum: he’s doing work for his flock. Shane’s usually not around 24/7 so maybe he thinks this amount of work is normal. That said, when Shane first arrives, Ilya doesn't look at his phone for almost 24 hours. The man is only human.
In the second round, Ilya’s Washington player and the ally are not as comfortable with the idea of physically taking advantage of someone’s injuries, but they do come through with the chirps. It’s fun to watch from the couch with Shane. Occasionally #14 will be fighting against the boards for the puck and Carolina’s player will just freeze, shocked at whatever they just heard. Washington forces a 7th game and for a second it really looks like Carolina is finished but unfortunately, they still rally and advance to the conference finals, the penultimate round.
Carolina beats Buffalo pretty handily in the conference finals, but there is a big consolation. In the last game of the series, Tiny Dickman is injured beyond repair by the Buffalo enforcer, Ilya’s #8. Ilya’s phone blows up with joyous texts, and some of his members suggest getting shirts or even tattoos of #8’s fan slogan. Ilya knows the guy would probably hate that. Still, he sends him everyone's gratitude for vanquishing their biggest enemy. Carolina will move onto the final round without their star forward.
Ilya is ecstatic, obviously, but he's also a little disappointed Tiny Dickman didn’t make it to the final. There was supposed to be a grand finale for Tiny. Ilya had contacted Dickman's ex-girlfriend and she was happy to be forthcoming with some very personal information. He was really looking forward to that.
The moment Carolina clinches a spot at the cup finals, it feels like everything stops and a panic sets in. Ilya was so concerned with stopping Carolina at any point during the playoffs, he never thought they would actually make it to the final and have to play the Western Conference team. Ilya stopped paying attention to non-relevant playoffs when it was clear every team in contention had someone to come out if they won the cup. But over on that bracket, some kind of miracle was happening in Vancouver.
Vancouver has always been a pretty shitty team, and the fact they made it to the playoffs at all this year was impressive. It was a combination of luck, timing, and opponents’ injuries that led them to the cup finals. Not skill or strategy or anything that would make a team good.
A smart mastermind would have been paying attention. He would have instructed a better team to advance. He wouldn’t have let Vancouver, of all teams, make its way into the most important series in the history of professional hockey. Well, maybe that’s dramatic. But at the moment, it certainly feels like it.
Vancouver’s landmark season has become a real underdog story. It seems every hockey fan is rooting against Carolina. Even if he wishes a better team made it through, Ilya will not let them be disappointed.
To everyone’s surprise, Vancouver wins the first game of the series in a shut-out. Carolina is playing hard despite losing their star, but Vancouver’s goalie is incredible. He’s blocking shots as if he could predict each shooter’s next move.
And if it looks like that, it’s because he can. Vancouver’s goaltender is #5 of Ilya’s army, an early recruit from that first All-Star weekend. Turns out, you only really need to give the plans to the goaltender. #5 told his defensemen some vague advice based on the plans, but mostly he just knows where the shots are coming from, so he can stop them. He’s not even trying to make it look believable. The man is fed up with the league and is cheating like he has no fucks left to give. In combination with Ilya’s vicious chirps, always new material, and the Carolina roster scraping the bottom of the barrel with all their injured players out, the next two games go largely the same way. Carolina is only able to put up 1 goal in each. The hockey world is abuzz with the Cinderella story of Vancouver, their incredible defense, and the teardown of the best team in the league.
In the fourth game, when Vancouver could win it for the sweep, Ilya doles out his most atomic chirps, the grand finales for the rest of the douchebags on the team. It’s also… interesting to see one of Carolina’s linemen make three passes to blocked players. Interesting. Just… interesting. That’s all.
Ilya is watching the game with Shane and his parents at the cottage. “I bet Carolina is missing Reinhold Glickman right about now.” Yuna says, “It must be awful to have your captain injured right before the finals like this.”
“Yes. Awful.” Ilya deadpans.
“Mom, Ti— Riney Glickman is like, the worst guy.” Shane says, “No one feels bad for him.”
“He’s a good player, though, and look, they kind of suck without him! They need to use their backup wing? This guy is terrible. This is a massacre!”
“Good for Canada, though. Vancouver deserves it,” David contributes what he can.
After the third intentionally-sacrificed pass from Carolina's traitor, Ilya’s phone lights up with a call from Scott Hunter. His stomach drops, because he already knows he's about to get scolded. He gets up to take the call, definitely not wanting to have this conversation in front of anyone. The fewer people who know how this happened, the better.
Shane calls after him, “Hurry, there are only a few minutes left!”
“Ok. If Carolina scores three times, come get me.” Ilya says as he steps onto the patio. He closes the door behind him and answers the phone, “Happy 2nd Annual Scott Hunter Homosexual Awareness Day!”
“Ok. Ignoring that.” Scott cuts right to the chase, “What did you do?”
“It is that obvious?”
“Rozanov, I’m watching a clinic on rigged games.”
“Not rigged!” Ilya argues. “Well… what is rigging, really?”
“God damn it.” Hunter sighs. “How bad is it?”
“Just some leaked plans… a hit on Tiny Dickman—”
“—Tiny Dickman??” Scott stifles a laugh.
“—And, I think probably self-sabotage now from that little wing boy.”
“But he’s not one of ours?”
“No, he is a… friend of a friend. You could say. I think. Probably.” Ilya actually doesn’t know who Pike’s friend is but… it’s getting pretty obvious.
“Ok. Actually, I’m not asking anything else about that. I want plausible deniability.” Scott is quiet for a moment, “Who do we have on Vancouver?” Hunter is always so fucking nosy.
“I told you, #5.”
“Yeah. Again. As I don’t live inside your brain or your spreadsheet, I don’t know who that is.”
“Am surprised you know spreadsheets, is there a computer class at the senior home?”
“Come on,” Scott whines, “there’s like three minutes left. Kip and I have a bet.”
Ilya looks through the wall of windows to the TV. The game is almost over and Carolina is still way behind. Maybe it would be safe to tell him. Earlier today, Ilya called #5 to check in, and he knows exactly how this is planned to go down. The man’s fiancé is ready to hit ‘Post’ on a statement for him when the game ends and then walk out with the families. The fiancé has probably already been coming out to the WAGs and answering awkward questions for hours. There’s no real way it’s not happening, so Ilya lets Hunter in. “Goaltender,” he admits as he watches #5 block another shot through the window.
“No kidding.” Scott breathes. “Huh.”
“Do not be excited, you are still lonely. He has to retire.” And then, for the first time ever, Ilya decides to let Hunter further in and share more than expressly necessary, because this is killing him and he has no one to talk to. “Not just because he is ancient, maybe older than you. Contract renegotiations stopped because he told his coach. Just to invite the asshole to his fucking wedding. Now no other team will take him.”
“Oh my god, Ilya.” Hunter doesn’t often use his first name. “That’s… what the fuck?”
Ilya relates. Part of the check-in before the game was to make sure the goalie wasn’t being pressured into giving up his career just for the cup bet. Ilya wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt. For the fourth time since the series started, Ilya was assured it was the plan anyway, and then he even talked to the fiancé, who basically thanked Ilya for giving his man the last push needed to retire. The management’s response made the couple hate hockey, and they can’t wait to be done.
“He is fine.”
Neither man can say anything else. There’s nothing fine about this.
Scott laughs a little, “Did I just hear a loon? Where the fuck are you?”
“Yes. I am outside, am going back in now. Happy Carolina Loses day!”
“A Happy Carolina Loses day to you too. You belong in prison.”
That reminds Ilya to also quickly text Pike while he’s outside. He is emotional with gratitude for the two armies behind him.
Ilya: The Gay Cabal thanks you.
Ilya: someone is coming out after the game because of your work
Ilya: maybe mob boss is good job for you?
Ilya: hockey is not.
He gets back to the couch in time to see Vancouver win the cup. The second the buzzer sounds, Ilya refreshes the goaltender's Instagram. He doesn’t even read it. He saw a draft of it last night. Instead, he shows it to Shane.
@Baldwincouver
[image: Baldwin stands arm-in-arm next to a rugged older guy in front of a log cabin, holding up a ringed hand.]
I have loved just about every minute of my career, but it is time for me to step back, plan my wedding, and settle into the role of the trophy husband. I love you Joshua, can’t wait to spend the rest of my (very unoccupied retired) life with you. 🌈 Proud of my team, and proud to accept the 2018 SCHUMEM Cup Award.
Shane looks up from the screen with tears in his eyes, because the man cries at a slight breeze, and pulls it up on his own phone for his parents. Ilya’s phone is already blowing up with texts and most have a similar question.
Oldest Man Alive: SCHUMEM Cup Award?
Ilya: SCott HUnter MEMorial
Oldest Man Alive: Oh go right ahead and fuck yourself with that.
Oldest Man Alive: I can't believe Baldwin agreed to that name.
Oldest Man Alive: Memorial?? I’m not dead!!
Ilya: it will be easier than changing the name in like two years
He sends the queer army the mass text he already had drafted in celebration of the... 2nd Annual Scott Hunter Memorial Cupping Out Day? ...SCHUMEM Cup Award? He included #7's title, RASHYCOCK, Rozanov and Scott Hunter's Yearly Coming Out Club King, as a reason to workshop the name. He immediately gets some responses to that brainstorming request.
"I like the Memorial part. Scott Hunter Memorial Yearly Cupping Out Club King SHunMYCOCK"
"The winners could be Agents of the S.H.E.I.L.D: Scott Hunter award for Excellence In Loving Dick. Works if you don't know how to spell."
"I think we should be the Scott Hunties or Scunties."
"PHOODS. Professional Hockey's Order Of Dick Suckers"
"Most Vagina-less Peen? Men's Venereal Player? Massive Veiny Penis?"
"I still like Friends of Rozanov"
"Ashcock sounds like it could be an actual award."
"Are we not doing Ilya's Avengers anymore? Ilya's avenger of the year, IAOTY?"
"Shouldn't we have settled on a name before Baldwin posted this?? Schumem is dumb."
But unfortunately, the bad name example backfires and a lot of them actually like RASHYCOCK. These texts get progressively worse and one thing becomes clear: they are never going to settle on a name. Shane just shakes his head at every response Ilya shows him. Because they are in front of his parents, and Ilya is not open about his role as executive of the queer cartel, Shane texts him.
Jane: These are so bad. it should be simple and clear. Alliance of Gay and Bisexual Hockey Players.
Ilya: AGBHP? AOGABHP? what does this spell?
Jane: it doesn't have to spell anything!
Ilya: you are so boring.
Jane: you can't put RASHYCOCK on a coming out post!!
On the TV, Baldwin’s fiancé is walking onto the ice with the other WAGs and families. There’s no big Scott-Hunter-style tongue kiss, because not everyone is an exhibitionist, but the two men hug and Baldwin celebrates with his team and his teammates’ families with an arm around the man’s waist.
“Kind of an annual tradition now, huh!” David Hollander remarks. He has no idea.
“If you won the cup, would you do that?” Yuna asks the room, even though they all know the 10-year plan.
“At this point? I think I would have to,” Ilya says honestly. He can’t tell if he is relieved that this will never happen with his upcoming move to Ottawa, or if he wants that moment more than anything in the world. Either way, if Ilya himself didn’t uphold the cup bet, there would be a mutiny.
Shane noticeably avoids the question and instead whispers, “Baldwin was my last guess for Vancouver.” Ilya just has to laugh at his boyfriend’s terrible gaydar as they cuddle on the couch next to his parents, watching the scene he set.