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Harris was not required to manage all social media content creation for the Ottawa Centaurs since his promotion, and he generally was not involved, apart from final approval of posts. He tried to stay away so that Amelia, the new social media manager, didn’t feel she was being micromanaged. He did sometimes watch Q&A videos being filmed. And if most of the shoots he was present for were in the locker room after practice, where he could oogle his half-dressed boyfriend then that was between him and Troy.
If asked, he was there as chief Ilya Rozanov wrangler. He had thought that when Shane Hollander joined the team he could be demoted to reserve wrangler, but it turned out that Shane saw no reason to stop Roz from saying unhinged things on social media. He said that Roz ‘had always done this’ and ‘it’s his brand - we can’t change it now’ but Harris though that Shane Hollander was secretly just as much of a little shit as his husband and enjoyed watching him stir the pot. He couldn’t prove it but he was sure some of the things Roz had tweeted this season were things Shane had come up with.
Harris couldn’t remember what today’s shoot was on, so it couldn’t have been anything too fun, probably some generic hockey questions. Which was fine! Harris enjoyed watching them as much as the next hockey fan, but they wouldn’t be as fun to watch being filmed as the rage bait questions they’d asked last week. Harris could not have predicted the way his day was about to go off the rails because of the boring, generic hockey questions.
Amelia had asked a few of the guys questions like ‘who was your hockey hero growing up?’ and ‘what do you remember most about your first match?’ when she turned to Luca Haas who had the stall next to Shane and started to asked a question.
“Luca, out of the big three hockey players which one-” she was interrupted by Shane from the next stall.
“Who are the big three?” he said with a frown “Gretzky? Lemieux? Orr? Crosby? Ho-”
“Oh no!” Amelia said with a laugh “Current players!”
Shane continued to frown.
“Who’s the third?” Shane asked with seemingly genuine confusion.
“What?”
“The third player.” Shane clarified, “In the big three of active players? I mean it’s me and Ilya, right?”
Amelia nodded mutely whilst Luca Haas, who had been asked the question, stared at Shane with wide eyes.
“So, who’s the third?” Shane’s face took on a contemplative look.
“Scott Hunter?” Amelia said with confusion.
“Hunter?” Shane looked surprised. “Why?”
Across the room Roz let out a bark of laughter.
“Well….” Amelia trailed off.
“I mean, purely based on stats from this season I guess he could be up there…” Shane sounded sceptical. “But over our whole careers?”
Harris was bamboozled. Flabbergasted even. If there was one player in this room who he could guarantee would always offer up the most boring hockey answers to questions, it was Shane. He was Mr Reliable, Mr It’s a Team Sport, Mr Humble. This sort of self-assured cockiness was more in Ilya’s wheelhouse, Harris prayed everyday that they never hired a rookie like Ilya. He had nightmares about 50 goal rookie season promises.
“There’s not really anyone that’s put out even similar numbers to us over our careers.” Shane continued, oblivious to Harris’ new nightmare fuel. “He’s retired now, but I’d accept Eric Bennet, he was incredible. But active players….”
Roz wandered over with a cheeky grin which was a portent of doom to Harris and Amelia, while Shane squinted at the ceiling, presumably running through the entire active NHL roster. Harris gave Roz a pleading look which he hoped translated to ‘do not make this worse’.
“What about the number three from our draft?” He asked Shane with a wink at Harris.
“Who?” Shane asked, but answered himself before anyone else could. “Oh, defence for Houston, he was fine, nothing special though. That defenceman in Minnesota might be up there, I guess. Why did you have Scott Hunter? Is it best queer players?”
“Um,” said Amelia, looking at Harris with scared eyes.
“Even if it is,” continued Shane, “He wouldn’t be number three, again that would be Bennet and if it can’t be then it would be Troy.”
Troy, at the other end of the locker room, looked up at the sound of his name and seeing Harris, Luca and Amelia’s expressions of terror, Roz’s expression of glee and Shane’s hockey analysis expression, made a beeline for them.
“What about me?” he asked, eyeing Harris with concern.
“Shane says you are third best player in league.” Said Ilya happily.
“Queer player.” Shane interjected. “You're in the mid-teens if we’re talking everyone. And you’d be fourth if Bennet was still playing.”
Troy stared at him.
“Thanks? I think?” Now he looked baffled too, at least Harris didn’t have to suffer alone.
“Continue your ranking, moy sud’ya.” Ilya said with a fond look at his husband.
“Well for queer players number four would be Luca, then Hunter and then Price if that’s allowed. And if anyone had ever let Ryan actually play defence, he’d probably be number four.”
Luca had actually blushed at being named fourth.
“In terms of everyone, I guess I’ll put that defenceman at third, but with a large gulf. Luca in the high teens, and Hunter in the mid-twenties.” He paused. “I guess if you take just his best performances then he’d probably be up in the top five. But he’s inconsistent, so his average performance puts him lower and then the fact you can’t predict how he’ll perform puts him even lower.”
“Brutal.” Muttered Troy under his breath.
Ilya was beaming at his husband, “Highest hockey IQ! No one can argue!”
“I know you know that’s not what that means” Shane replied, somewhat muffled from where his fact was pressed to Ilyas chest from where Ilya had swept him into a hug and was peppering his hair with kisses.
The commotion attracted the attention of the rest of the locker room.
“What’s going on over there?” Bood called.
“Shane says Scott Hunter is bad at hockey!” Ilya crowed.
“That is not what I said!” Shane protested “I just said he was inconsistent.”
Jeers and hollers echoed round the room.
Chouinard was eyeing Shane intensely, “It’s ok Captain Canada, you can just admit you’ve never forgiven him for winning gold in Sochi.”
A grumpy look took over Shane’s face and Harris could finally see what Ilya meant by his grumpy kitten face. This prompted even more laughter from the room.
“Of course I haven’t.” Said Shane, “Have you met me? But answer me this: has Canada lost to the US ever since?”
He now had an exceedingly smug expression on his face as the room quieted with people thinking back over the previous four nations and world championships.
“Ok,” said Wyatt, “I am officially terrified of you.”
There were mutters of agreement from around the room.
Amelia had captured everything on video and Harris had to decide whether to post it or not, on one hand it showed a different side to Shane that Harris knew most fans would like. On the other, he would be responsible for starting a fight with the Admirals social media admin. He’d asked Shane if he was ok with it being posted and Shane had said that he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. Fuck it, Harris thought pressing post, at the very least it would drive engagement for him and the admirals.
@ottawacentaurs
Shane Hollander ranks hockey players; number five will surprise you!
@censlife
Scott Hunter found dead in a ditch
@snoopyhollander
He doesn’t even remember the number three drafts name 😭
@rozslut
Ilya shirtless yes please and thank you
@barrettabs
Harris in the locker room when he doesn’t need to be……. I know what you are…….
@puckdrop
Not every team Ryan Price ever played for catching strays
@scotthunter
What the fuck Hollander????
↪@ilyarozanov
Must be nice to be in your mid-twenties again