Chapter Text
“Chuuya, can you turn that down? I’m trying to sleep,” Dazai said. It sounded like he was underwater or something, and it wasn’t the most pleasant sound when he was on the brink of sleep.
The sound kept going though. Stupid dogs and their stupid white noise. Dazai opened his eyes, prepared to turn off the noise himself and probably mess with Chuuya, except he didn’t see Chuuya.
He came face to face with a fish.
Dazai sat up, but the fish didn’t react at all. It just swam leisurely around, towards the bed of the river. Wait the riverbed?
He looked around and realised he was sitting on the bed of the river he frequently threw himself into. He’d know this river anywhere, he’d been in it enough to recognise it.
Dazai sighed, and leaned back on his arms. Well, this was turning out to be an amazing day! He was already in the river, and could spend as long as he wanted there. Too bad there was a dead body under him.
“WHATTHEFUCKTHATSME-” Dazai yelled when he looked at said dead body and saw that it was in fact him. It was his body. He frantically looked at his own hands, and realised he was somewhat translucent. Translucent and staring at his own dead body. This could one mean one thing.
“I did it… I finally did it! Hah! I finally killed myself!” Dazai started laughing loudly, cheering and whooping. He was finally dead! His stupid life was over, and he could enjoy his afterlife free of all his problems!
“Dazai Osamu.”
Dazai turned to the voice with the strange accent. Czechoslovakian, maybe? Anyway, it was a man, with white skin, clad in black robes, and holding a scythe.
“I am the Grim-“
“OH MY GOD THE GRIM REAPER!” Dazai almost squealed, jumping to his ghost feet and immediately invading Death’s personal space. “I am such a big fan of your work, you do amazing stuff!”
Death looked rightfully spooked, as he hadn’t expected someone to be this excited to be dead… ever, really.
“I mean, I can’t believe it actually worked! I can’t believe I successfully killed myself! And now I’m dead and I’ve met Death himself, this is just excellent-“
“Sorry, did you say you killed yourself?”
Dazai paused, smiling. “Well, yeah, obviously. How else would I die?”
Death pulled his hood down and lowered his scythe. “You were murdered by Herbert Gerbert Wells (not affiliated with Herbert George Wells).”
Dazai blinked. His smile didn’t move. He didn’t move. “I was murdered.”
“Yes, you were murdered.” Death sighed.
Dazai chuckled. “Right.” He laughed more. “That’s great. Perfect. Peachy. Absolutely fan-fucking-TASTIC.” He snapped, and kicked the riverbed as hard as he could. His ghostly foot just passed through it, and he shrieked in frustration.
Death tapped his foot on the ground impatiently, waiting for Dazai to finish his tantrum. It looked like it was going to be a long one. After about seven minutes, Dazai stopped attempting and failing to damage things and grabbed Death by the shoulders.
“You can bring me back, right?!” He yelled into his face.
“A-ah yes! Of course I can!” Death responded, shoving Dazai’s hands off his robes.
“Please return me to life, I’ll do anything!”
“Wait, what?” Death looked wildly confused. “I thought you wanted to be dead?”
Dazai huffed and nodded. “Yes, I do, but by my own hand or the hands of a beautiful woman strangling me to death, not by being murdered by some imbecile!”
“Then you can challenge me to a game. If you win, I will do whatever you want me to. If you lose, I send you to Hell where you belong, Dazai.”
“Uh, no. I’m not bargaining for my life with chess of all things.” Dazai walked past Death, to the edge of the river. He hooked his fingers on the bank, and hauled himself out. Death followed, moving easily out of the river.
“But you said-“
“It doesn’t matter what I said, Death. I’ll find my own way back to life, thank you very much. And when I do, I’ll kill Wells, then myself. His silly little plan won’t get very far anyway.” Dazai marched away from Death, who sighed wearily.
“You can’t escape your fate, Dazai.”
Dazai stopped in his tracks. Slowly, he turned around, grinning again. It was unsettling.
“You’re so right, Mr Reaper. So right, in fact, that I’ll totally challenge you and- hey whats that?” He pointed at something behind Death, face almost comically surprised.
“What?!” Death span around quickly to see what he was supposed to be looking at. There was nothing there. He turned back around to the empty space where Dazai was supposed to be and sighed again.
“At least I wasn’t melvined this time.”
~~~
Evil Dazai giggled. Now was the time to enact stage two of his plan to completely ruin the reputation of one of the most feared men in Yokohama. He rubbed his hands together gleefully, mind racing with all the possibilities.
His first idea was to show up to work late. A tardy on his work report would definitely turn some heads. Then, he’d spend the whole day not doing any work and tormenting his coworkers. He would ruin Dazai’s relationships with his friends easily, by annoying them away.
Evil Dazai strolled into the office at the very late time of 11:43, whistling loudly. He expected the boss would be waiting, ready to yell at him for his lateness.
“Oh, hey Dazai! Where have you been?” A kid with white hair and a godawful fringe waved and smiled at him. The other employees looked up briefly, but didn’t pay him much attention.
Well. That was odd.
“Oh, you know, slept in late. Didn’t turn my alarm on last night,” Evil Dazai responded, walking over to the nearest available desk.
The kid just nodded, then leaned closer and spoke quieter than before. “Kunikida’s out right now, but he’ll definitely yell at you when he gets back, it’s probably worth going on a mission so that doesn’t happen.”
Evil Dazai nodded. That certainly helped things, then. This Kunikida guy must be the boss, and if Evil Dazai really wanted to ruin his reputation then pissing off the boss was a sure fire way to do it.
“Nah, I think I’ll stay. I’m sure Kunikida won’t go too hard on little old me~”
The kid snickered and went back to work, and Evil Dazai felt his brain malfunction. He had said something purposely ridiculous there to weird the kid out, but it didn’t work?
Oh well. The day was still young.
Except none of his attempts to ruin Dazai worked. He slacked off, nobody did anything. He pulled pranks, and sure people yelled, but they didn’t exactly sound completely surprised. He even had a nap on the sofa in the middle of the afternoon when he was supposed to be working and all the other employees just left him there! It was getting ridiculous.
A few hours passed and Evil Dazai, after following the directions his intern had sent, found himself inside a penthouse apartment at the top of a complex. Strange, he could’ve sworn Dazai lived in the dorms of the Agency. Evil Dazai shrugged this off too and headed to the bathroom.
Leaving the bathroom door wide open, he looked in the mirror and deactivated his ability. Wells stared at his usual reflection and groaned.
“Why didn’t any of that work?! I made sure he was a slacker and an annoying brat, but nobody even blinked an eye! Is the regular Dazai that awful?” Wells stomped his foot into the floor, careful not to use the Croc of Doom so the floor didn’t break and cave in.
He sighed and glared at his reflection. “I suppose I’ll just have to change my approach. Instead of making Dazai abysmal, I’ll improve him however I can and gain everyone’s respect, then reveal it was me the whole time and he’s dead! It’s brilliant!” He whooped loudly, punching a fist in the air. “Ah, I’m truly a genius, aren’t I?”
Wells froze when he heard the front door of the apartment open and someone walk through.
Shit, does this brat not live alone?!
Wells quickly activated his ability again, changing back into Evil Dazai. Whoever it was out there would probably not attack on sight if they saw Dazai instead of Wells, after all.
“Oi, you here shithead?” A voice shouted. Evil Dazai frowned, confused. Was he supposed to be this shithead?
“Just in the bathroom?” He called back, cringing at the slight question in his voice.
The footsteps came closer, and the owner walked round a corner and stopped short at the doorway to the bathroom. “You shitting with the door open now, mackerel?”
Evil Dazai’s brain stopped working at the person before him. He was beautiful. He looked like he had been carved right from gemstones by the gods themselves, with his tiny waist, small but lean build, and flaming red hair. His eyes were two toned, one blue and one brown, and Evil Dazai felt like he could lose himself in them for days.
“You good?” The beauty said, raising a perfect eyebrow and crossing his arms over his chest.
Evil Dazai was slammed back into reality and grinned widely. “Of course I’m alright. And no, I was just checking my hair.”
The god in the doorway hummed slightly, and leaned against the frame. “What do you want for dinner?”
“Whatever you want to make, sweetheart.” He couldn’t resist flirting just a little. Besides, if this guy wasn’t into it, Dazai’s reputation would plummet immediately in his eyes, making Evil Dazai’s job easier in the long run. That was why he was flirting. No other reason.
Blue and brown eyes narrowed, and Evil Dazai smiled wider. He couldn’t help but feel like he was being scrutinised for something. Maybe the flirting had worked how he wanted, and this angelic being would throw him out of the apartment.
“…Fine.” He pushed off the doorway, still looking at Evil Dazai suspiciously, before turning and walking away. Evil Dazai definitely did not look at his ass. Definitely.
Okay, seriously, what the hell is going on?! Who is that beautiful man, and what is he doing in Dazai’s apartment?!
Evil Dazai’s thoughts were racing, his head felt like it was spinning with how fast his mind was moving. Nothing had panned out the way he had planned, and now there was another obstacle to his plan. A gorgeous obstacle, but an obstacle nonetheless.
“Just focus on the task at hand, Evil Dazai. This siren will only distract you, do not let that happen.” He mumbled to himself.
“Although, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to improve his idea of Dazai, to also snatch it out from under him. So clearly, what I have to do is be as charming as possible. For the plan, of course.” Evil Dazai grinned at that, stood to his full height, and sauntered towards the kitchen where the bewitching ginger was working.