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For as long as he could remember, Leo had a certain way of doing things. The tap tap of his finger always had to be even. If it was two on one hand, he had to do two on the other. When he drank, it had to be in counts of four. These were not the facts of the universe; he could stop if needed. Sure, he would feel off, but after a moment the strange sense of restlessness would disappear.
But lately, it’s been getting harder.
“I’ve got this amazing idea for a new invention,” Donnie was saying. Raph poured some cereal. It took a second to find where the cereal was, given it was Casey’s stash; but they got it eventually.
They were at Casey’s late grandma’s home outside of the city. They had defeated the Shredder, with Leo himself cutting off his head. They had finished what they set out to do, and so Splinter wanted to reward the boys and have them celebrate. So he sent them here.
Leo placed his hands around the bowl, his hackles raised but trying not to show it. Last night was a bit rough. He could practically hear the rain in his dream, the pitter patter that fell on his skin when he fought the hordes of the Foot. The thrum of anxiety was still there, slight, but not unbearable, just under the surface.
Tap tap
Tap tap
Two times with the right finger then two times with the left. Over and over.
Tap tap
Tap tap
“This vacation is the perfect time to make one,” Donnie finished. Leo hadn’t been paying attention. He mentally shook himself. He needed to be better.
“Yeah, this trip is gonna be awesome!” Mikey cheered.
Leo smiled, nodding politely. “Any plans for you, Mikey?”
Tap tap
Tap tap
“There’s a new Silver Sentry comic out. I can’t wait to read it!”
“Finally, we’ll have some peace and quiet,” Raph teased good-naturedly. Mikey stuck out his tongue playfully.
“Don’t get too comfy, Raphy-boy. That fighting game came out too. I’m gonna knock you over the floor with it!”
“You wish,” Raph said, a competitive smile spreading across his face.
“I‘ll have to see it,” Leo said.
Tap tap
Tap tap
Donnie’s eyes flicked over Leo’s hands, a small expression spreading over the purple turtle’s face before it smoothed over. “Any plans for you?” he asked Leo.
“I was thinking of doing some calligraphy,” Leo said. “Splinter got me that set, and I wanna practice some kanji.”
“That’s gotta be relaxing,” Donnie said.
“And boring!” Raph added. But he had that good-natured smile, so Leo knew he was just teasing.
Normally, he could take the teasing in stride. But now, his muscles tightened.
Tap tap
Tap tap
Tap tap
Tap tap
“Are ya gonna eat that?” Mikey asked, pointing at his bowl. Leo startled slightly, looking down at the now-soggy cereal.
“Yeah,” Leo said, picking up a spoonful.
“Get yer own,” Raph said, moving to smack Mikey on the backside of his head. Mikey got out of the way easily, giggling.
Leo settled in to the noise and bickering, trying to calm himself and enjoy the presence of his brothers.
Leo sat on the floor in front of the calligraphy set. It was morning, before the others were awake. Birds sang outside as sunlight streamed in through the window. The air smelled fresh, and he breathed deeply, taking it all in.
Last night had been taxing again, but he took in the Now, trying to keep those nightmares at bay.
He was going to try a new set of kanji. For each symbol, he would write a kanji repeatedly for one column (he was going to do it the traditional way, so he’ll write from top to bottom, instead of left to right). Then he’ll move on to the next kanji for the next column.
He chuckled slightly, mind bringing back memories of when he and his siblings were children. Splinter had them learn how to read and write English, and they would have to practice writing the letters of the alphabet.
He began, drawn in by the swirling feelings of nostalgia.
He had a small book open to the kanji he wanted to practice. He had been looking forward to this ever since he spotted the manuscript in April’s antique shop.
But he slowly frowned after a couple minutes. “No, that’s not right,” he thought. The kanji he did wasn’t exact.
No matter, he’ll just write another one. That’s why he’s going to do a whole column’s worth of it, after all.
He did it again, frown still there. One of the strokes wasn’t straight. The next attempt, it wasn’t symmetrical enough. The third time, the shape looked off. Again and again he did it, until he reached the bottom of the page.
He didn’t expect to be good at first, but something about this made his arms tense. A sense of uncomfortableness draped over him, telling him that it’s not right.
Changing plans, he decided to try the same kanji for the next column, instead of switching it up. He tried again. And again…. And again.
He swallowed. It still wasn't correct. He looked between the original and his own attempts. He’s so close; he just needed to make it perfect.
Another memory came to the forefront of his mind, one he hadn’t thought about in a while. When he was learning how to write, he would trace and write the letters way more than the others. He remembered finishing his homework an hour after everyone else, because he would repeatedly erase and rewrite the letters.
He remembered that he had the most trouble with e’s. (Something about the curve in the letter; he could never get the arc right.) No matter how many times he tried, it always took forever for it to look like the example. He would write, erase, write, erase, write, erase, ten times each. He remembered how he was praised by Splinter for being so dedicated, but Leo was also reminded of an orange restlessness, one that he felt now. It needed it to be right.
And next thing he knows, the entire page in front of him is now filled with that one kanji. Scores and scores of the same one, when he was intending to switch them up.
It still wasn’t right.
“Mornin’, Leo,” a voice said. Raph soon came into the room, yawning. “Up already? Can’t ya at least relax for one day?”
Leo looked up, suddenly aware how much that restlessness and unease had reared its head. He stretched his arms, trying to ease the tightness in his muscles.
“I am relaxing,” Leo smirked. He meant it as fact, but the desire to correct the kanji was in the back of his mind. The tenseness reached his shoulder blades.
Raph glanced at the paper, pausing for the briefest of moments before replying, “Sure, whatever ya say, Fearless.”
He moved on to the next room. “The guys and I are gonna eat. Care to join us?”
Leo was about to say yes, but thought better of it. The orange was still there; he wanted to fix the kanji first. “No thanks,” Leo said, “I’ll eat later.”
“…Alright,” Raph said. He left him to it. And Leo continued.
It took two more pages until he was able to do it perfectly. He gave a sigh of relief, the orange finally dissipating.
Leo repeated his kata. He could feel his foot land, but it was at the wrong angle. 42 degrees to the right, instead of 45.
Again.
Again.
Again.
It was only after 15 times that the wrongness in his chest finally eased. He could feel the uneasiness still in his leg, though. It was like orange, and brown, stringy and like fall. It was wrong wrong wrong.
“Can we stop now?” Mikey panted. “It’s been half an hour since training’s supposed to end.”
“Yeah,” Raph said. “Yer running us to the ground.”
“In a minute,” Leo said, lowering his swords to his sides.
“This is supposed to be a vacation,” Raph grumbled.
“You know what Splinter said,” Donnie added, more gently, “We’re not supposed to overdo it while we’re here.”
Splinter had meant for this trip to be a respite, but Leo couldn’t celebrate. The Shredder was dead, but the unease still draped over the blue turtle like chains. The phantom pains of wounds still lingered in his skin. He needed to get them out.
Leo shifted uneasily, looking down, warring within himself. His desire to obey his father clashing with his immense sense of the need to fix.
“I have to do this right,” Leo said quietly.
“Dude, you’re like, doing perfect,” Mikey said. His younger brother smiled uneasily. There was something in Mikey’s eyes. Leo wondered why that expression was there.
Usually, Leo could smile and reassure Mikey, then privately lick his wounds and say that he’ll do better next time.
But he had to fix it now. He could practically feel the Foot soldiers breathe down his neck. They had the upper hand. The Shredder had the upper hand. He always had this orange wrong not-right uncomfortable-
“Hey, you can be a fighting machine all you want,” Raph said, coming up to him. He pointed a finger to his chest. Leo bristled. “But we’re gonna be done.”
“Just two more times,” Leo said, going into his commanding voice, but inwardly panicking.
“We’re telling ya, you’re doing fine.”
“You’re just saying that to get out of training.”
“You calling me a liar? Why I outta-“
“Woah, guys,” Donnie said placatingly, his hands slightly up. “What if I just record it? That way, Leo can see his kata. That should clear things up.”
“Deal,” Leo said immediately. They won’t have to argue in circles now.
Donnie quickly set to work, procuring a video camera from who-knows-where, and got it ready. At the thumbs up from Donnie, Leo got into place. The purple-clad turtle hit record, and Leo performed the kata. He did his best, but by the end of it, he could list off five mistakes.
They all huddled around the camera, Donnie about to hit playback. As the clip ended, Leo was about to say “I told you so,” when the others beat him to it.
“See,” Donnie said, “perfect.”
“All that grumbling for nothing,” Raph retorted.
“Can we play video games now?” Mikey asked.
Leo’s words died. But, the evidence was right there. He looked back at the tiny screen and internally recoiled in disgust (at himself). See, the form looks almost there, but it’s wrong. It’s like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a clone’s replacement. Something so close, but it’s off and it makes the back of Leo’s head scream.
But the others look at him expectantly, like this is the most natural thing in the world.
Leo nodded numbly. “You can go.” Mikey cheered, practically sprinting to the console. The others sauntered after him.
And Leo stayed behind, wondering if he was just seeing things.
He was supposed to be doing calligraphy right now.
All the prior mornings while here, he practiced his kanji. Every day. That’s how it’s supposed to be.
But now, Leo had an inkling to go outside. There was a rustle beyond the window, and he looked up to see birds fly from tree to tree. The melody was beautiful; he’d been enjoying it every morning (one of the reasons why he loved waking up early outside the city). It would be amazing to see them up close. They stop later in the day, so he can’t do it with the others. So now would be the best time.
But he was supposed to do calligraphy.
He sat in position, brush in hand. He had already written the kanji several times. He was trying a new one today, so at least there was some variety; but to say he was a bit bored would not be inaccurate.
But, as he wrote it again, yes, there was still stuff wrong with the kanji -he’d have to repeat it again to get it right- but at least it felt like everything was in place. It was 6:18am, so that meant this was what he’s supposed to do.
But… it would be amazing to see the birds too.
He continued, on the one hand feeling relief that he was sticking to the schedule…
…On the other hand, his spirits were slowly sinking.
He remembered when he was small, he would curl his toes against the ground. When he was sitting on the couch watching tv with the others, feet touching the rug. Four counts on the right; four counts on the left. Over and over. Soothing, burning.
After a while, his toes would hurt. He stopped. He clearly didn’t want to hurt himself; at that age, he didn’t even have that concept.
But when he stopped, he felt a restlessness in his legs, in his toes. He needed to do it again.
He didn’t know why, but he just did.
He remembered how it took quite a bit of effort to stop. Instead of a moment, the restlessness took longer to fade away. But he eventually stopped the habit, and he grew up. He had long forgotten about it, just a weird thing that he did as a child.
But now, things were getting unbearable.
He lunged, one sword up and the other in front of him. This was the first move of the kata. As he lunged, his knee wasn’t bent enough. He stood up straight again, rolling his shoulders.
Come on, you can at least do *this*.
On the next try, his foot was too far forward.
Again.
His arm wasn’t straight enough.
Again.
He growled. He could feel the dryness in his eyes, the tiredness in them.
It was 3 in the morning. He couldn’t sleep, but he just couldn’t stop moving. The walls had ears; the grass could whisper. If he wasn’t careful, the Foot would probably find them. Never mind the Shredder was dead; what’s to stop them from taking revenge?
Mikey might fall off the rafters while playing in the barn.
Don’s experiments might explode, taking his brother with him.
Raph might hike in the woods and get attacked, never coming back.
He could feel his breath quicken, and it took all he could to focus.
Again.
Again.
Again.
It was just the first move! Why couldn’t he even get this right?! He usually could do this as easy as breathing. But now, he found that both were getting harder and harder to do so.
He sheathed his swords and rubbed the front of his chest with a fist. A tightness started there.
The orange uncomfortableness now lingered even after he got out of his pose. It spread throughout his body. His arms. He couldn’t get it out.
Next thing he knew, his face was in his hands.
When did he get here, like this?
Some leader he was.
Worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless-
“Leo?”
The blue turtle straightened up quickly, disoriented but needing no one to see.
The voice was from down the hall; no one saw him yet. Leo could tell it was Michelangelo, and sure enough, the orange-clad turtle soon appeared in the doorway.
“Leo,” Mikey said, for some reason relieved. “You weren’t in bed; I was wondering where you were.”
That tightness in his chest was still there, but it lessened at the presence of his brother. Guilt instead started to grow. “Sorry,” Leo said.
“You’re good,” Mikey waved it off. Mikey turned a bit guilty himself. “I just… you were gone, and I was a bit worried. Y’know, after…”
Traces of pain from a gauntlet and swords pierced through Leo’s body. It took everything in him to keep his breathing even.
“Yeah,” Leo said quietly.
Miley looked at Leo, at his blue clad brother all alone in the middle of the night. Never really at peace. The cuckoo clock ticked ever so slowly as time went on, but to Mikey, it was as if Leo was frozen. Head down and looking away.
“Are you alright?” Mikey asked after a moment. “What are you doing here?”
Leo’s eyes darted back up to the youngest. Leo shrugged, “Just training. Couldn’t sleep.”
Mikey took a couple steps deeper into the room. “You’ve been training a lot, more than usual.”
Leo was silent.
“The others and I were talking, and we’re kinda worried, bro.”
“It’s not a big deal,” Leo said, shrugging one shoulder.
“I don’t know, you just seem really on edge. We’re supposed to be on vacation, but we haven’t seen you actually rest much. And when you do, you seem tense.”
Mikey didn’t know the half of it.
“If… if you ever need to talk, we’re here,” Mikey said. “‘M not sure if you’d be comfortable with Raph…”
At this Leo chuckled slightly. Mikey’s mouth quirked up in a smile. “…But I’m all ears, bro.”
Leo was silent. Mikey could tell he was considering.
“Thanks, Mikey, but seriously, I’m good,” Leo said. He wanted to, but how could he put anything he was experiencing into words? Besides, his enemies were dead, and all he had to do was get the kata right. That’s it.
Leo’s heart clenched again in guilt at Mikey’s face. Mikey’s smile faltered, but it didn’t fall.
“Well, if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.”
The rest of the night, Leo tried to sleep, but to no avail. The next day, Leo could tell he was on edge, had a short fuse. But he did his best to quiet it down. No need to drag anyone into this.
But when it came time to train, things were getting to a head.
“Again!” Leo said. The others groaned, but obliged. He felt guilt rise, but it had to be done. It needed to be perfect.
They couldn’t risk slacking off just because they were on vacation. There was no telling when the next thing would go wrong.
(The orange didn’t going away.)
“Again!”
“Again!”
“Again!”
“That’s it!” Raph yelled, almost throwing his sais in frustration. He whirled towards Leo. “We were supposed to be done by now.”
Leo crossed his arms, but made no move.
“We need to do it again,” he said steely.
(It was the only way for it to stop.)
“I don’t know what crawled into your shell, but ya can’t take it out on us. Don’t think we didn’t notice.”
“Raph!” Don chided. Mikey looked worried. Leo looked at them quizzically.
“Can it, Don. This ‘waiting till he comes to us’ isn’t working.”
“What are you talking about?” Leo asked, but then remembered the talk with Mikey.
“You’re doing that tapping thing,” Raph blurted.
Leo’s blood turned cold.
“You’ve been acting all stressed, and we all see it. Training like there’s no tomorrow. Tapping away like how you did as a kid. You’ve been writing the same things over and over like some sort of Shining wannabe.”
Leo always felt like he was misaligned, out of place, but they noticed. It was real; it was like a large neon sign was over him, saying how much of a freak he was, a freak even among mutants.
“I’m fine!” Leo said. Without meaning to, he raised his voice.
“No yer not!” Raph took a step forward. “Stop acting like it.”
“I have to!” Why was he talking about this? But as the moments ticked by, his mouth kept running, as if he couldn’t stop himself.
“My form during training is off. The kanji aren’t written correctly. I need to get it right!”
Raph looked at him with this confusion. “Leo, I saw your kanji. They looked better than anything I ever could’a done. It’s fine.”
It’s not it’s not it’s not
Mikey took a step forward too. “Your training is perfect.”
“You’re lying!” Leo yelled. He whirled towards the others. “All of you!”
There was shocked silence.
He stormed off, leaving the room and heading outside. The air chilled his skin, but the morning birds weren’t there, and he just felt empty.
Raph found him hours later and joined him without a word.
Raph and Leo lay side by side on the cool grass, looking up at the stars.
Surprisingly, Raph didn’t have his usual bite. And Leo… Leo couldn’t take it anymore.
How long did Leo have to feel like this? So weak? So useless? Why did he fail all the time?
Just… for one day he didn’t want to feel this way. The restlessness. The sense of wrong. The panic. The fear. That’s all. He didn’t want to keep it, but he didn’t want to give it away either.
Leo felt eyes on him, and he looked over. His tough brother had a complete, unfiltered look of soft concern, which blew Leo away. What did Raph see, that had him put down his own walls?
“You… ya really aren’t doing well, are you?” Raph asked quietly.
Leo looked away, his heart picking up in dread. “Please… don’t worry about it,” Leo said.
“Don’t- stop doing that!” Raph said. There was that bite, but it was different somehow. It was pained. “Ya keep pushing us away. Why?”
To Leo’s surprise, his eyes actually pricked. His control- he’s slowly losing it. “It’s what a leader is supposed to do.” He’s just trying to do the right thing-do everything perfectly- but even now he’s doing it wrong. Raph is still angry- no, he’s upset- and that makes it so much worse. He never wanted to hurt his brothers.
“I’m not doing this right,” Leo’s voice cracked. He covered his face with a hand, his stupid eyes betraying him. He just wanted to hide from the world. Forget everything.
But Raph was not one to let things lie.
“Not doing what right?” Raph asked gently. Leo hadn’t heard that tone in years. He was immediately brought back to when he was small, when he and all his siblings would be piled under blankets during winter. How Raph would wrap an arm around him and say he’ll protect him. He would do that, before Leo became leader.
It stopped after that.
That thought made his heart clench, and a wave of tears came down. He kept his eyes covered, and he bit his lip. He wasn’t to make a sound. (That’s what a ninja is. That’s what he’s always going to be, and even though he loved it he couldn’t take it anymore-)
“Hey… hey Leo.” There was a hand on his shoulder. Raph was on his knees now, looking down at him. Leo felt like a specimen under a microscope.
A sob rose in his throat, but he kept it down.
“It’s gonna be ok.” And now Raph sounded like he’s freaking out. And no wonder. Leo didn’t lose control. That’s not how it’s supposed to work.
Leo sat up now too, to get away from the feeling of scrutiny. At equal height, he could at least try to get a sense of control.
It wasn’t working.
Raph was looking around in full panic at this point, and his head snapped to the sound of footsteps. Donnie and Mikey came into view, the purple one about to show the youngest something in the barn.
Don noticed the scene first, Leo on the ground, face in his hand, and Raph looking at the new arrivals with alarm.
Mikey noticed too, and they both rushed to the pair. “What’s wrong?” Don asked, going into doctor mode. “Are you hurt?”
Leo shook his head slightly. He put his hand down and looked up, blinking rapidly, trying to compose himself. He felt even more under scrutiny with the two extra sets of eyes.
“I’m ok,” he said as best he could, even though his throat was still choked up. He tried to breathe.
He didn’t have to see their faces to know they didn’t believe him.
Leo stayed silent, tears quietly going down his cheeks. He hated that they all saw, that he couldn’t brush this off. Some leader he was.
Donnie shifted, putting a hand on his shoulder. Raph’s hand was still on his other one, never leaving its post.
He didn’t deserve them.
“I don’t know how to explain it,” Leo whispered, finally breaking the silence. The orange curled around him. How could he possibly describe it in words?
“That’s ok,” Mikey said. He smiled gently, “Say whatever comes to mind. Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense.”
His eyes pricked again. He was so afraid of saying something wrong, of being seen as a freak. But… his brothers’ gazes were kind.
He couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“It’s all wrong!” Leo sobbed. “The steps, my posture. I put down the wrong footing. My kanji are drawn at the wrong angle. My arm is too low when I hold the brush.”
And now the guilt is crawling in. He’s probably looks crazy. They all don’t see these “mistakes.” But that feeling, crawling in his arms and under his skin. The restlessness. He’s misaligned.
“If I just get it right, it’ll all be ok.”
That’s why he has to keep doing it, why he has to try over and over and over and over. Even if it drives him mad. Even when he’s tired and would rather watch the birds, or play a video game with Mikey, or see what Donnie’s up to, or hang out with Raph.
If he does it right, that orange feeling will fade away. The restlessness will ease. Maybe even the nightmares would disappear.
But he just couldn’t. He was defective and worthless and still on that rooftop in the rain.
As if Donnie could read his mind, his brother asked, “Does… does this have to do with the Shredder?”
And all Leo could do was curl in on himself.
Raph wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
“Oh, Leo…”
Leo leaned into it, his face against Raph’s plastron. He let out a sob. He hadn’t been held like this since before he was a leader, before the responsibility and the chaos and everything falling apart. He hadn’t realized how much he missed it.
“We don’t have to understand,” Raph said. “All we need to know is that you’re hurting. And we wanna help.
That’s all.”
“You guys sure about this?” Leo asked the hundredth time. He knew the others liked to sleep in. He never wanted to bother them.
Mikey yawned, but quickly got that gleam in his eye. “Oh yeah. It’s gonna be awesome.”
“I wonder what species they’ll be,” Donnie said. He shifted the knapsack that was over his shoulder as he flipped through a book. Of all things, it was an encyclopedia of birds in the area. Must have found it somewhere in the house.
Leo had been surprised earlier that morning when, as he was cross-legged with a brush in hand, as usual, his brothers came in with bags slung over their shoulders. They had an extra one prepared for him.
He had mentioned the morning birds as the days went on, as he explained overall, haltingly, what he was experiencing. Not only was it hard because he hated the vulnerability, but because these sorts of things -the tapping, the orange restlessness - were so ingrained in him that it was hard to notice sometimes, let alone articulate. But they were always willing to listen, even if they didn’t get it, and he was grateful.
When he realized what they were up to, he felt a rise of conflicting emotions. Gratefulness, embarrassment, excitement, and -overwhelming them all- a sense that things were out of order and therefore “wrong.” But as his brothers held out that backpack, he couldn’t say no.
And, deep down, he didn’t want to.
He felt the cool dirt between his toes as they walked through the woods. Mikey chattered and joked, but he was surprisingly quiet to not disturb the birds. Donnie pointed out species here and there, and Raph took it in with no snark nor grumble. He was a stalwart, comforting presence. They all were.
He didn’t know what he’d do without them.
They stopped in front of a particularly large tree, teeming with song within its branches. Leo felt the sun sprinkle onto his skin through the leaves, and he smiled softly.
The birds flitted here and there, encompassed in their own world, their own joys and fears. They didn’t worry about perching the “correct” way or being at a certain branch at a specific time. They just lived. And maybe… he could be like that too.
He took a breath, enamored by it all. He stood side by side with his siblings, the ones who truly cared about him. And although a part of him felt off, it’s overshadowed by the awe of the spectacle. The calm. The joy. And the orange feeling slowly faded away.
It’ll probably come back. It usually did. But he’d get there, one day.
He glanced back at his brothers.
He’s sure of it.