Chapter Text
It wasn't an "official" team meeting. Coach wasn't there, the captain wasn't there, and neither was Shane Hollander. It wasn't "official" but according to Zane Boodram, it was absolutely mandatory. For the rookies. It was part of their "orientation."
For Denny Terry, that sounded ominous. It sounded like hazing. He'd been to college, did the fraternity thing. This was hazing, right? It had to be. Everybody knew the rumors about the secret rookie hazing in the league. The Centaurs couldn't be the only exception.
But then Cassie Boodram was escorting him and the three other rookies into her living room, offering them beverages and bowls of chili. This nice lady wouldn't let a bunch of professional hockey players torment some kids, right? Right?
Then Bood, Troy Barrett, and Wyatt Hayes came in with more food, drinks, and a whiteboard. Chouinard, Dmitry, Holmberg, Young, Haas, Lapointe, Dillon, and the rest trickled in slowly from the backyard and kitchen.
"Okay Rooks, glad you all could make it."
"You told us we had to."
"Shut up Rook."
"Yes sir."
Barrett clapped his hands together.
"We had a great first few days of practice. You're settling in nicely. And now, we have the final piece of your orientation."
"The most important piece," Chou said from his perch on the windowsill. The other players raised their drinks.
"Hear, hear."
"Little rooks," Bood continued, "do you know why the Ottawa Centaurs are not like any other team in the League?"
He raised his brows, expecting an answer, obviously.
"The Centaurs were the worst team for like…decades until two years ago?"
"Has the most out players in the League?"
Denny slowly raised his hand. "We have the only married couple in the League."
The room erupted in a cheer, praising Denny for what he thought was the obvious answer.
"Ding, ding, ding, cookie for the rookie." Someone did actually give him a cookie. Huh. "We do, indeed, have the only married couple in the league. And what you need to keep in mind when dealing with our Roz and Hollz is that they are insane."
"Certifiable."
"Completely batshit."
"While we love them dearly, there are rules."
"Several."
"Good rules."
"They'll save your life."
"Ribs, too."
"Okay," Peters said slowly, "what kind of rules? Like, obviously we're not gonna use slurs—"
"Slurs will have you benched and sanctioned," Hazy snapped firmly.
"These are…more like guidelines for not setting them off unnecessarily."
"Setting them off?"
Denny and his rookie teammates all exchanged wary looks. Both Rozanov and Hollander had been very welcoming. Roz was warm and enthusiastic while Hollander was a more soothing, guiding presence. Intense on the ice, but overall great to be around.
"First!" Bood announced while Barrett next to him whipped out a dry erase marker to write Hollanov Rules on the board and a number one. "Do not, ever ever ever, get involved in their bickering."
"Nope."
"Don't do it, save yourselves buds."
"This includes, but is not limited to: who is the fastest skater, who has more points, who has more goals, who is the favorite son, why Roz is captain and not Hollander, why they only have one dog, if dogs are better than cats, and generally just any argument you may overhear."
"The pickle debacle still haunts me."
"That was a rough time, bud. You did okay."
"Thanks, Hazy."
"Gotta stay strong, skate away."
"Number 2!" Bood yelled over the din. Barrett wrote on the board. "ABH!"
"ABH!" the rest of the team barked. Barrett tapped it out.
"Always. Bring. Headphones. Do not get comfortable! Do not let your guard down! Hollander has hard rules about PDA, but Rozanov can and will skirt those rules to find a loophole and traumitize us! He thinks it's deeply funny!"
"Sometimes in Russian," Dmitry moaned.
"He's picking up French faster than I'd like," Lapointe sighed.
"This also applies to roadies! The plane is safe, the bus is safe, the hotel?"
"Not safe!" the team chanted back.
"The locker room is safe, the ice is safe. The parking lot?"
"Not safe!"
"Good job, guys. So just bring your headphones and tune it out. Number 3!" Barrett kept writing: Do Not Participate in the Foreplay. "If Hollywood is pissed off and roughing the captain, where should you be?"
"Twenty feet!"
"At least!"
"If Rozanov drops his gloves or breaks a stick: Do you intervene?"
"No sir!"
"Correct. If they decide to race, do you offer to time?"
"Hell no!"
"If they decide to see who can do more reps, more laps, go the fastest, go the longest, do you egg them on?"
"Hell no!"
"We do not take Rozy's bait and participate in the foreplay. Rozy is exactly where he wants to be and Hollzy will ruin your life. Number 4!" Barrett wrote: Unsafe Topics. "Topics to never, ever, ever discuss with Hollander if you don't want to die on the ice? Chou!"
"Diet!"
"Haas?"
"The ad campaigns."
"Hazy?"
"Sex in general. Like absolutely do not mention the hickeys. Fuck, don't even look at them."
"Any of these topics can and will cause a Hollander Shutdown. You won't see it, you won't recognize it's happening, but Rozanov will and he will kill you for it."
"Last year, Dillon made a joke about not wanting to share a wall with them on roadies, and Hollander crashed out so bad…he wouldn't share a room with Roz for three weeks."
"Worst three weeks of our lives."
"I said I was sorry okay? Damn!"
"Light ribbing is acceptable. Chirps to Roz are safe. Do it to Hollander and reap the consequences. Let's not repeat the October prank war of 2020."
"Is it a war if nobody can actually prank him back, though?"
"I think it's called a massacre."
Barret cleared his throat. "In the reverse: only Russians can talk about Russia. Do not ask Roz about his family. Talk about yours, talk about dogs, talk about babies. But for the love of god, don't joke about him knocking up Hollander because it's not fucking funny! He is a terrorist and will not fucking stop chirping you about it."
"Number 5! DNS!"
"DNS!" they chanted back.
"Do. Not. Separate. If they are both in the same area, do not, I repeat, Do Not, try to sit or stand next to Hollander. You will be unceremoniously removed."
"And Roz will accuse you of trying to steal his husband."
"Sometimes for months."
"Even if you're not gay and happily married."
"They eat together, bunk together, warm up together, bench together."
"Fuck, especially the bench, they just want to yap and chirp at each other. Let 'em."
"It is the safest option for all parties involved. We don't need unnecessary injuries because you lack situational awareness."
"It was just a bruise, guys, sheesh."
"Sit across."
"Budge down."
"Maintain space."
"Rozy is like a territorial dog."
"And Hollywood will glitch if you're in his spot."
"Do not make Hollzy glitch out in front of Roz, for all that's fucking holy."
"Rule number 6!" Barrett wrote: Trip-Gate. "Do not ever ever ever fucking suggest that either one is going too easy on the other. Because why?"
"It's not true?" Denny offered.
"Very not true, rook! What's the punishment if you're on Roz's team during scrimmage and we lose to Hollzy's?"
"Torture. Pure torture."
"Drills! Until you puke. And Hollywood makes his do mandatory strength training. You would think coaching staff would have our backs, they do not! Weibe has termed it team bonding and I personally believe he gets off on us being terrorized."
"I a little liked the pilates…"
"Cause you're sick in the head, Dima."
"They do not stop. They do not slow down. And they do not expect us to keep up. Let them go, and remember Rule 3! Do not provoke another round!"
Barrett wrote on the board again. "And number 7! Easiest of all. If you tell one, you tell them both. Despite the insane evidence to the contrary, they cannot keep secrets."
All four rookies opened their mouths to argue.
Barrett bobbled his head. "From each other. Rozy tells Hollzy everything and Hollzy has a terrible poker face…Not literally, he's great at poker but I honestly believe Roz can read his mind."
"See?" Bood beamed at the rookies. "Easy peasy. Follow those 7 simple rules, maintain your peace on the team, and those two psychos will take us right back to the Cup!"
"Hear hear!"
"Long live Hollanov!"
"Right," Bood clapped again. "Now we have collectively decided it is much, much easier if we just tell you the timeline we know instead of watching Rozy embarrass the shit out of anybody else."
"Don't sleep on Hollywood. He's a sassy motherfucker when he's in a mood. Got me good when I asked about Rose Landry."
Bood pointed at Chou in recognition.
"Now, truth be told, we don't know exactly when they started hooking up."
"They won't tell us. And we've lost a lot of money trying to figure it out."
"Hazy has a whole conspiracy theory."
"It's not a conspiracy! It's just…patterns."
"You've watched way too many Rozanov highlights."
"Maybe…"
"The point! Is that we don't know and we're not allowed to ask. What we do know—" Bood passed it off to Barrett.
"November 2016, Hollander dates Rose Landry. They break up after Christmas. We know he and Roz were meeting up prior to this because the Boston-Montreal game during that timeline was a mutual, utter shitshow. Thank you Hazy for the intel."
Barrett passed it back to Bood.
"All-Stars 2017, Hollander and Rozanov play on the same team, the same line, and kill it. They are…unofficially, back on."
"January 2017, Rozanov's dad dies. We have official confirmation from Hollander himself that they were talking while Roz was in Russia."
"March 2017! Hollander takes a nasty hit against Boston. Concussion, broken collar bone, out for the playoffs. We have footage of Roz tweaking on the ice."
"And! He visited Hollander at the hospital," Chou added.
"May 2017, Scott Hunter lays one on his boyfriend in a full stadium after winning the Cup." The room cheered and drank to this. "Roz has said multiple times that this was a crucial moment for him and the catalyst for making it official."
"Summer 2017, they make it official. We have no details, we don't want details, and no one here will ever, ever ask for details, understand?"
The rookies all nodded.
"Fall 2018 to Spring 2019, they play a full season on their respective teams. All we know is that Hollander slowly started coming out to some of his team. Montreal won another Cup."
"Summer 2019! Roz announces his trade to Ottawa." The room cheered and drank. "The world loses its collective mind speculating. Roz only says it's for personal reasons. The rest of the world believe he is suffering a serious mental breakdown."
"More like the leash got yanked," Lapointe muttered and was hit by three people.
"October 2019, Hollander and Rozanov announce they are starting the Irina Foundation. And very, very publicly admit that they are…friends."
"Lovers in the nighttime," Dillon mused.
"And March 2020, Hayden Pike sends a fanmail video to fucking Brad—"
"Booo!"
"Fuck Brad!"
"That accidentally outs Hollander and Rozanov as a romantic couple. And that summer, the Metros announce that they are releasing Hollander from his contract early so he can sign with, drum roll please," the players comply, "the fucking Ottawa Centaurs!"
The room cheered again, more loudly this time.
"Their wedding was that summer, we were all invited, of course."
"Now we have two Cups in the bag, and we're working on the Cup-trick, baby. We want three!"
"Three, three, three!"
"And that concludes our presentation on Surviving Hollanov. Any questions?"
Denny raised his hand.
"Yes ET, shoot."
(Terry—Extraterrestrial—Alien—ET, he was comfortable with the logic of it he supposed.)
"Do they know you're doing this?"
"Absolutely not. Hollander would glitch and then Rozanov would kill us all. So nobody, and I mean nobody, is allowed to spill. Capiche?"
The rookies nodded.
"Excellent! Drinks all around! Mario Kart in 10!"
This was going to be an interesting season.