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It got bad fast. Faster than either of us had been expecting.
I knew bad times would be ahead. Knew making it to Erid was a long shot. But we had been optimistic. Between the remaining coma slurry and the Taumeba, there had been hope.
I don't feel so hopeful anymore.
A week ago I stopped getting out of bed.
The descent had been slow. I could tell I was getting tired more quickly. Rocky could tell too, always insisting I sleep. At some point, I gave up resisting that. Soon, I gave up getting out of bed.
Everything hurt. At the same time it all seemed so far away. The hurt was constant and distant.
"Grace awake, question?" Rocky's voice has me opening my eyes slowly.
"Awake." I croak out. My throat is dry.
I hear Rocky hum, a pleasant noise indicating he's content.
"Grace sleep for long time." Rocky says almost accusatory.
"Sorry." I say. I am. I feel horrible. Rocky is watching me waste away like he did his crewmates.
It was getting worse faster. I thought I might be alright in bed. Armando was pumping in fluids through an IV (gross) and I wasn't wasting energy moving around. But I could feel myself slipping away.
"Grace not say sorry. Grace do nothing wrong!" I sigh but don't argue back. I stare up at the ceiling. I could fall back asleep right now, I know it.
I need to eat. I feel nausea threaten me at the very thought.
"Rocky finish surprise while Grace asleep." Rocky seems excited for this and I manage a smile as well. He's been working so hard on his project.
"Do I get to see?" It takes effort, but I twist my neck to see Rocky by my bed. He's lifts his carapace up slightly at my excitement.
"Yes, yes, yes! Grace close eyes and Rocky get surprise!"
I chuckle. I haven't chuckled in ages, but I dutifully listen and shut my eyes. I hear Rocky bound off in his ball up into the lab.
It's so dark. I'm in so much pain. My head throbs. My eyes are already closed and it takes nothing more than that for my mind to drift off to sleep-
"Grace! Grace still awake, question?" I come back to Rocky's nervous trills.
"Grace awake." I say quietly and keep my eyes shut. I had my eyes shut for a reason I can't remember.
"Grace open eyes now!"
I do, and my head is still tilted to the side, giving me a clear view of-
Of Rocky. Just Rocky. No Xenonite ball.
"Wha-" but I can see it now. A tight layer over his skin.
"Rocky has new suit!" He does jazz hands. Normally I would return the gesture. I hope he understands why I don't. "Now Rocky help Grace more!" He says excitedly.
I feel tears welling. I shouldn't. I need the water. But I start crying.
Rocky lets out a distressed note. "Happy tears?" He quickly asks for clarification.
"Happy." I say. I want to nod my head, but it hurts to much. I smile instead.
The fact that Rocky did all this for me. He wants to help me. It's no secret I can't do much of anything anymore. I haven't been able to retrieve my laptop from across the room for days now. Haven't been able to adjust my blankets the way I like. Haven't been able to sit up and swallow. Rocky hadn't been able to help me, in his ball.
"Leaky human." Rocky says, but I catch the tone of affection.
Then Rocky climbs onto the bed. He carefully avoids stepping on my limbs, and then moves so he's right next to my side. I can feel the warmth radiating off him.
"Now Rocky hug Grace!" And then Rocky reaches his arms over me, not quite around, and I can't help the sob that leaves me.
I can't even hug back.
"This correct?" He pulls the blanket up slightly, but is careful to keep it from touching my neck. Just the way I like it.
"Yes." I stutter. "'S nice."
I hadn't felt this in so long. Just someone else's touch. A sense of comfort.
"Grace sleep. Rocky watch." I only woke up half an hour ago. I don't fight sleep as it comes.
I don't feel better when I wake up. I feel worse.
It all aches. It all feels closer. My legs are freezing, despite the blankets.
My chest is warm though. A wonderful warm and a pressure that keeps me grounded. Rocky.
"Grace feel better, question?"
No. I don't.
"Yes, Rocky. Much better."
Rocky pauses. "Healing, question?"
I swallow. "Not... not healing, Rocky." I ignore the sad note. "But comfortable. Good good good."
Really that's all I can ask. That I'm comfortable when I die.
But Rocky shouldn't watch.
I can feel it coming, soon. I tell myself I shouldn't be scared of death.
I am. I'm fucking terrified. Did Stratt imagine this, when she sent me here? Did she imagine me starving to death, just weeks away from scientists who could help me? What if she had decided to put just an extra months worth of food on the ship?
My breath is shaky.
"How Rocky help more?" Rocky asks.
I know it's coming. And I know where I want to be when it happens.
"I want to go to the Earth room." I say and Rocky goes very still. He's still hugging me the same as when I fell asleep.
"But medicine cannot follow." Rocky explains this like I have forgotten. I don't feel offended. I forget a lot of things, now.
"I know." I say softly.
Rocky's carapace shudders. "Grace thinking bad, bad, bad. Grace only tired. Need sleep."
I close my eyes. "I'm sorry Rocky." The words come out in a sob.
Rocky is very, very quiet for a long while. I let him think. I almost drift off before he speaks again.
"This make Grace comfortable, question?" His voice is devoid of the usually quirks and cadences. It sounds monotone. His carapace is drooping.
"Yes." I whisper.
"Then Rocky fix. Rocky make Grace comfortable." I can tell he's trying to keep it in for me. I want to tell him to let it all out, but I'm a coward. I feel like I'm falling apart and I latch on to Rocky's steadiness.
Rocky insists on bringing the bed to the room. I don't complain. I'm only glad Rocky is helping me and not insisting I continue trying. I'm tired of trying.
"Armando. Detach everything." I command.
Armando beeps. "Confirm command? Detachment from medical systems may result in worsening symptoms or death."
Death. That's what was coming for me. I can practically feel Rocky tense up at the word.
"Confirm."
I barely have to move to get there. Rocky has his new fancy suit and does all the work for me. I goes as far as to drift off as I'm being carried.
"Grace want beach?" That alien could read my mind.
"Yes."
Rocky turns on the beach and moves towards me in the middle of the room. The ocean lights up in my eyes and the waves become audible. It's peaceful. I wonder why I never spent time on the beach when I was on Earth.
"Thank you, Rocky." I say. "I love you." It feels like a goodbye.
"Rocky loves loves loves Grace." The sad trills are back.
I can't bear to make him sad. I take a shaky breath.
"You should go to the other side of the ship. Close the door and turn up the volume so you don't hear." Rocky doesn't deserve to watch me die.
"Rocky not leave." Rocky states.
"Rocky..."
But I don't want to fight it.
I'm a coward in the end. I'm afraid to go alone. The tears are back, trailing down my neck as I watch the waves slosh against the shore and hear the seagulls call out.
"Grace okay?" Rocky has returned to my side. The warmth radiates off him and makes my muscles relax. I let out a breath, content, but it doesn't stop the guilt clawing its way up my throat like vomit.
"I'm sorry, Rocky. I'm scared." I choke out and hope my best friend can forgive me.
Rocky moves. He snakes one limb under my back and lifts me slightly. He's holding me. His other arm wraps around. He's hugging me. I lean into him, shaking. I sob.
"Grace very brave. Grace do many, many scary things. Grace save many people. Grace smart human. Grace good friend."
I sob at the words. Jeez, he really knows me. Knows exactly what I'm thinking in this moment and what he can say to help.
I lean my face forward into him and relish in the contact. The pain seemed like backround noise now. Between being held and the screen showing me my favorite scene, I can almost forget I'm dying.
"Rocky stay." Rocky draws out his last note. He has more to say, but hesitates to do so.
"Grace sleep when ready. Rocky keep Grace comfortable. Then Rocky watch."
"Don't-" I flinch. "Don't watch me when I'm gone, Rocky. Don't do that to yourself."
Rocky doesn't respond. I relax against him, let the warmth lesson the pain in my aching muscles. I look out onto the beach. If I focus, I can feel the water and sand against my toes.
"Grace comfortable?" Rocky asks quietly.
I hum. I feel good, for once. "'S nice." I admit.
I can pretend I'm back on Earth. Pretend I'm not starving to death. Pretend I'm not light years from home on a ship rocketing as fast as it is. It has me calming considerably, and my eyelids begin to droop.
"Grace very brave." Rocky soothes again. "Grace safe now. And comfortable."
I nod minutely. "Keep singing." I mumble my request absently.
I don't realize I use the word sing. Rocky's voice is a song to me though, and I muddle up the words. It doesn't matter if what Rocky says makes sense. I just want to hear him. He's the only thing missing from Earth.
Rocky lets out a note of affirmation, and then begins to sing. Really sing. It's the most beautiful, soothing thing I've ever heard.
I let my eyes slip close. The waves lap. Rocky sings, his notes lulling me to fully relax in my friends hold. I'm warm. I don't feel any pain.
I'm comfortable.
"Grace sleep. Rocky watch." Rocky says between notes.
I can sleep now.
And Rocky will watch.