Chapter Text
Baran slammed on the breaks, hot tears spilling from her eyes. She was blocking several cars in, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. Fuck, she thought. Fuck. She gripped the steering wheel, staring through the windshield and trying to stop the tears. She pressed her mouth into a tight line, feeling the sob building in her chest.
The tears kept coming anyway. She put the car in park, hand shaking on the gear stick, and pressed the ignition button, turning the engine off. She picked up her keys from where she had dropped them in the passenger seat, running her thumb over the buttons of her key fob, listening to the sound of the keys clicking against her rings. She pressed her hand to her mouth, trying to keep herself from breaking down completely.
She didn’t know how long she sat in her car, clutching her keys and leaning over the steering wheel, crying and trying to stop, when a knock at her window made her jump halfway out of her skin.
Turning to the window, uselessly wiping at her eyes, she saw Dr. Ellis leaning down to her driver side window, eyebrows scrunched together and concern in her dark eyes.
Still wiping at her face, Baran pressed the ignition button, not starting the engine but giving the car power to roll down the window. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, that would explain why she was sobbing in her car in the middle of the parking lot, but couldn’t find any words. “I–I’m sorry, Dr. Ellis, am I blocking you in?” She tried to stop her voice from shaking, and failed miserably.
“Nah,” Dr. Ellis said. “Just saw you through the window. That bad of a first day, huh?” She leaned closer, her arm resting along the car’s window sill.
“Yes.” Baran said, voice cracking again. “Though it would have been an awful day, regardless, I think”
“What happened? If you want to talk about it.”
“I-” Baran stopped, looking down at the steering wheel. She wanted to talk to somebody. Very much needed to talk to somebody. She glanced at the dashboard. 11:21pm. Not many of her friends would still be awake, if she was even willing to interrupt an evening with her worries.
She hasn’t interacted with Dr. Ellis beyond a quick conversation that morning when she introduced herself to the night shift staff. She’d helped Baran bring in the bagels, and had told Dr. Shen that he would need to step up his game if he wanted to remain her favorite attending. She’d only learned that Dr. Ellis was funny, a fellow, and that her favorite bagel was garlic & seasalt. Baran had seen her later that afternoon talking to Mel in the hallway, and learned she was named in the same lawsuit as Mel, but Baran had spent the hours their shifts overlapped working on different cases. Or trying to deal with her own issues. What a first impression I am making.
She didn’t know anything about Dr. Ellis, and had already misjudged Robby. But, she thought, Do I have anything else to lose? She had considered speaking with Dr. Abbot, asking for his second opinion, but seeing how close he was to Robby, she didn’t. He had been kind to her earlier, far kinder than Robby, but still.
She took a steadying breath, turning back to the other woman. “It’s a long story, Dr. Ellis.”
Ellis shrugged. Baran noticed she was wearing a tank top, revealing tattooed arms, rather than the scrub top she had seen her wearing earlier. “Are you leaving?”
Dr. Ellis glanced down and then grimaced. “No,” she sighed. “Caught some unwanted chunks straight to the chest. Apparently nobody told that guy not to eat hot dogs that had been sitting out in the heat since 2pm. 10 of them. I have some extra scrubs in my car. Easier than trying to fight that damn machine.”
Baran smiled briefly, though it slipped away a second later. She wondered if she would have a chance to fight with the scrub dispenser herself.
“So,” Ellis said, tapping a finger against the car. “They won’t be expecting me for a few more minutes, at least. So I can hear your long story, Dr. Al-Hashimi. Talk to me.”
Baran met her eyes, trying to imagine what she saw right now, what she was thinking. Dr. Ellis met her gaze steadily, raising an eyebrow.
Baran breathed deeply again, and undid her seatbelt. Dr. Ellis stepped away from the door as Baran opened it, and then leaned back against her car, brushing her hair away from her face. The air was sticky, and she was glad she had taken her scrub top off. Ellis mirrored her, crossing her arms and bracing her hip against the hood of the car.
She studied Ellis. She seemed to be a steady person, unflinching and calm. Good traits for a doctor. Baran wished she had been able to see Dr. Ellis in action today, to get a better idea of her. But, she supposed, this is one way to find out. The quickest way, perhaps.
“I-,” she started. She paused, looking down at her hands, before meeting Dr. Ellis’s gaze again. “I have a seizure disorder. Temporal lobe seizures, caused by viral meningitis I contracted when I was a child. They’ve been under control for years, and it’s been well over a year since I had one. But today, I had two.” She closed her eyes, pressing her mouth into a thin line, willing the fresh wave of tears not to fall.
Dr. Ellis didn’t say anything for a moment. When Baran looked at her, her concerned expression hadn’t changed. Robby had also looked concerned at first, when he read her chart. And then he had not. Baran braced herself, refusing to drop Dr. Ellis’s gaze.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “That fucking sucks. Damn. Do you know what triggered them today?”
Relief. Baran crossed her arms, trying to hide how intensely she felt it. “No. It could be many things. I may need to adjust my medication, or I may need another procedure. I’ll need to see my neurologist for more tests. I spoke with the on-call neurologist today, but that’s just the start.”
“What was the verdict?”
“She said I can work with double coverage. I can handle the non-critical cases and the co-attending handles traumas.” A solution that would work in nearly any other hospital. Baran still didn’t understand why Robby was so resistant to the idea of a second attending, especially given Dr. Abbot and Dr. Shen were on shift together tonight and it was clear to her, at least, how much smoother the shift was, even with multiple critical patients in the first few hours. From what she had gathered, Robby was always solo. No wonder he was burned out.
“Is this what you and Robby were yelling about earlier? He didn’t take the news well? Or like that verdict?”
You are not fully capable, and you know it.
Baran breathed in an unsteady breath, and sunk down to sit, back against her car, uncaring of the wet concrete. She leaned her head back, staring up at the sky, seeing a few scattered fireworks. She wiped more tears from her cheeks. “You saw that?” Of course people saw, and heard, them. She wondered what rumors were already swirling. Robby certainly hadn’t tried to keep others from hearing. “I suppose it doesn’t matter.”
Ellis sat down next to her, one leg straight and one bent, resting her elbow on her knee. “Why’s that?”
Baran looked at her, trying again to read her thoughts in her expression. Dr. Ellis didn’t give much away though. Baran frowned as Ellis’s lips suddenly turned to a smile. “You should teach lessons on intense eye contact.”
Baran huffed a laugh, despite herself. Yes, she had been told that before. “At least I have a fallback, I suppose.”
“Aha, there’s that smirk I heard about. Santos was right.” Ellis chuckled.
“Santos told you I smirk?”
“Among other things.” Ellis chuckled again. Baran grimaced at that. She could imagine. She had definitely not endeared herself to Dr. Santos. She’d been taken aback by her flippancy when she first brought up her deficiency in charting, and thought now she had overcorrected. It certainly didn’t help that Santos was seemingly having as terrible a shift as Baran was. If only she had known about Langdon.
“But,” Dr. Ellis prompted. “Why does you and Robby having it out not matter?”
Baran sighed. “I shouldn’t have told him. I thought…I saw how much he means to the staff here. I saw how he treats the patients. He’s burned out, that much is obvious, and he clearly does not want me here. But I thought if I told him that he would see me as a colleague and not someone he needs to get rid of, that he would have some empathy.” She thumped her head back against her car. “I don’t know why I thought that. He didn’t show any to Samira.”
“About Orlando?”
“No. Earlier. Samira’s mother was calling non-stop and she’s been worried about fellowships. She had a panic attack. Robby yelled at her to go home if she couldn’t handle her ‘mommy issues.’”
“Jesus,” Ellis said, shaking her head. “He can be a dick, especially lately, but he must have been really off today. No wonder Samira was so upset if that’s how her day started. That man’s lucky nobody slapped him yet. Dana looked ready to.”
“Tough love, is what he said. I asked him what he needed to get some empathy for his residents back. He told me he needed to know the department wasn’t going to go shit in his absence.”
“Nice of him to say to you, really making you feel welcome and all that.” Ellis shook her head again. “You’re right, he’s burned out. Never dealt with his shit, with Langdon and the mass casualty. Adamson, too. You know, his sort of stepkid’s girlfriend died during the mass casualty. He took that hard. He wasn’t like this ten months ago. Well, he’s always been a bit of dick to Samira about being too slow, but you could actually get away with calling that tough love.” Ellis nudged Baran’s leg with her outstretched foot. “But he shouldn’t be taking his shit out on you like that.”
Baran blinked at that. No wonder Dr. Jefferson had kept trying to talk to Robby. “Who was Adamson to Robby?” Baran asked. She’d read about him on the plaque hanging on the hospital’s wall.
“His mentor. He got covid. He was on ECMO, but they needed the machine for a kid. Robby made the call to take him off. It’s what Adamson would have wanted, but Robby never worked through that. That’s how he became department chair.”
“Wow.” Baran breathed. “That…that is a lot. How’s his sort of stepkid now?”
“Not sure. I don’t know if they talk much anymore. Jake blamed Robby for not being able to save her.”
“I can’t imagine how that was for him. For both of them.”
“Yeah.” Dr. Ellis studied Baran for a moment. “So, let me guess. Robby is going to use your seizures as an excuse to not go on his sabbatical because he thinks you can’t run the department.”
Baran brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “He never thought I could run the department. But telling him about my seizures confirmed it, for him. He noticed. He was going to ask me, I think, while we were in with the woman with the STEMI. Stupid of me, still, to tell him.” She pressed her face against her forearms.
“You must have been scared,” Ellis said, nudging her leg again. “I would have been.” When Baran didn’t respond, she leaned closer, moving so their hips were nearly touching. She put a hand on Baran’s shoulder, squeezing. Baran very nearly leaned into her touch. She hadn’t realized how much she wanted someone to just hold her. Even a near stranger. “Hey. Maybe your timing wasn’t the best, maybe you shouldn’t have told him. But he shouldn’t have been yelling at you like that.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Ellis squeezed her shoulder again. “So, what happens now?”
“Robby said I have until Monday to tell admin, or he will. They know my history, of course. The neurologist may have cleared me to work with another attending, but I don’t know what admin will do. Or if Shen or Abbot would even be able to be on shift with me. I don’t know what will happen if admin decides they can’t accommodate me.” Robby needed to be away from the hospital for his sake and the sake of his staff, clearly. Would he stay? Would Abbot become interim chair if he doesn’t? She didn’t know if he had been asked and turned down the position. She didn’t want to find out. Her chest felt tight. She wanted to stay.
“I’m not an attending–yet–but I’ve already been on days, covering for Langdon. I could go back to that. Be your second,” Ellis said. “Night shift is superior, always, but I can handle a few more months of boring days.” She moved her hand, wrapping her arm around Baran’s shoulders. Baran did lean into her then, just a bit. She didn’t know much about Ellis, but she did know she was kind and calm and steady, and she needed that.
Baran turned to look at the other woman, leaning her check against her knee. Attractive too, she thought, but brushed the thought away. Not the moment. “Thank you, Dr. Ellis. I don’t know if that will work, but I appreciate the offer.”
Ellis smiled at her–or smirked, really. Baran wondered what Santos said about Ellis’s smirks. “We’re sitting on the ground of the hospital parking lot. God knows what this pavement has seen. You can drop the formality. Call me Parker.”
Baran laughed. She wouldn’t have thought it possible that she would laugh tonight. “Fair enough. Parker, then.”
Parker squeezed her shoulders once more. “If you can up our patient satisfaction scores, Gloria will keep you around. I saw those patient passports. Not sure if they’ll fix the eternal mess that is chairs, but they may at least keep some people from bitching about the wait times. You may want to edit them though. I think our averages are a bit higher than what’s on there, even without the extra bullshit of today.”
Baran laughed again. She was probably right.
Parker stood up, and held out a hand for Baran. Baran gripped it, noting the warmth of her palm and wishing she didn’t have to let go. Her own hands felt so cold. She turned to her car, and the tight feeling returned to her chest.
Parker noticed the change in her expression and Baran saw her realize the problem. “Ah…yeah. A second attending is one thing, but I guess there aren’t accommodations for driving with seizures.”
“Six months seizure free before you can drive again. If I don’t turn in my license myself, my doctor is obligated to report and have it revoked.” Baran closed her eyes, pressing her hand to the car door before opening it. She picked up her keys again, but didn’t sit.
“I’ll call you an Uber,” Parker said, putting her hand on her shoulder again. “I’m sure there’s plenty around still, and you’ll probably be a pleasant surprise since you aren’t drunk and full of hotdogs.”
“Thank you, but I can handle the Uber.” It was nice of Parker to offer, but Baran remembered balancing student loan payments on a resident’s salary, and fellows weren’t paid that much more. “I’m more concerned about getting my car back to my house. How often do the tow trucks come around?” She could ask a friend, or her ex, to come drive it back for her, but she wouldn’t want to put a deadline on an inconvenience.
Parker rubbed her hands together, her eyes scanning Baran’s face. Her lips quirked up again. “I can drive it to your house in the morning after my shift. I've wanted to test drive a Volvo since I read Twilight.”
Baran stared at her, and Parker returned her look with a raised eyebrow. “You would be willing to do that?” She asked. “Why?”
Parker shrugged. “You’ve had a shit day. It’s no big deal. I’ll take an Uber to my place and I can catch a ride back in with John. I’ve parked here for a few days before, and they haven’t towed me yet. You just gotta make sure the guys know your car.”
Baran swallowed, feeling like something was stuck in her throat. It was always hard to walk into a new workplace and insert yourself into the established dynamics, even harder when you were coming in as temporary staff. She had pushed herself in, anyway, started off the morning strong, and hoped everything would fall into place. But, the staff was loyal to Robby, and she’d felt his skepticism rubbing off on them, nothing overt, but just enough. She hadn’t expected anyone’s kindness to extend as far as Parker’s already had.
She swallowed again. “Thank you, Parker. Truly. I don’t want to impose more than I already am. I have a spare room set up. You can take it, if you want. I’ll pay for your Uber back to the hospital.”
Parker grinned at her. Baran felt herself smile in response, her heart quickening slightly. There’s no reason to be nervous, she thought to herself. She’s just doing me a favor, and I am returning it. “Sleepover at Al-Hashimi’s? Sounds like a plan.” Something sparkled in Parker’s eyes, something Baran thought she would like to learn more about.
Parker pulled out her phone and handed it to Baran. “Number and address, please.”
Baran added herself to Parker’s contacts and texted herself a smiley face. She was typing in her address and the code for the lockbox that contained her spare key when notifications appeared at the top of the screen.
Nightcrawler Unc: John is about to start a new betting pool on how you died. So far we have fell in a sinkhole, got hit with a stray firework, and abduction by mafia because the head honcho is mad you’re dating his only daughter who he plans to marry to his rivals’ kid for political mafia reasons
Nightcrawler Unc: I have $20 on mafia, so pls have a good story when you get back
Nightcrawler Unc: Trauma is 5 mins out
Baran grinned and handed Parker her phone. “Is that Abbot?”
Parker read the messages, laughing. “Yep. You know any mafia around here? I gotta make it believable for him.” She grinned at Baran, and took her key fob from her. Parker slid into the driver seat and Baran stepped back, letting her park the car. Baran pulled her bag out from the passenger seat, while Parker grabbed her spare scrub top from a dark green Infiniti a few spots down.
“I’ll see you in the morning, Baran. Feel free to leave breakfast out for me.” Parker kissed two fingers at Baran as she walked out of sight.