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The way they met wasn't special; nothing about them was special—or at least that's what Thanos desperately tried to convince himself.
They happened to start noticing each other more and more at the beginning of the school year; it's like when you see someone once and then start seeing them everywhere. Back then they didn't even know each other's names, or maybe Nam-gyu did know Thanos' name because, well, it was hard not to. Thanos wasn't the most popular guy at school, but he was for sure one of them. He hung around with the gym bros, or better known as the jocks. He had girls on him left and right, always draping off his shoulders, sucking up to him, and begging pathetically to feel his muscles that weren't really that big but were very noticeable in comparison with the muscles of the other guys his age. He was a senior; it was his last year at this shitty school.
Unfortunately, it was the total opposite for Nam-gyu, who was a freshman. Nam-gyu was the opposite of Thanos, though; he wasn't completely a loner. He had friends, but he just didn't like them and always distanced himself from them. He wasn't popular, but he also wasn't a complete nobody. To really give him a label in the social hierarchy at school, he'd probably be just one of the regular students that don't stick out much.
Or at least he didn't stick out at first. But he really started to when he kept appearing in the hallways at the exact same time when Thanos would be there; Nam-gyu would glance at the guy, and he'd return the glance. It wasn't out of the ordinary, but it really started to be after the hundredth time that they locked eyes. Instead of a regular glance back, Thanos would raise a brow at the guy, and Nam-gyu would immediately look away and regret even looking at Thanos again.
They never really had a moment to speak—that was until Nam-gyu decided to skip class one day since he had no friends in that class and wasn't in the mood to put up with an hour of boredom again. Coincidentally, it was the senior break time. When he entered the men's bathroom, he immediately saw the unmistakable tall figure, the purple hair, and the broad shoulders; he even recognized the back of Thanos' dark blue uniform.
At that moment, all that Nam-gyu thought about and wanted to do was to leave. He always felt intimidated by the other guy; even though they never really got to speak, just Thanos' deep and intense eyes would always make Nam-gyu feel seen in a way that he doesn't appreciate.
His luck, of course, was horrible. Thanos turned around, he sensed that someone walked in and stuffed something in his pocket before seeing who it is. When he saw it was Nam-gyu, he scoffed and pulled the unfamiliar item out of his pocket, bringing it close to his lips and taking a puff while he stared right at Nam-gyu. "It's just you. Again."
"Yeah. It's just me..." Nam-gyu smiled awkwardly.
Thanos averted his gaze upwards, forming a thought before he pointed a finger at Nam-gyu. "What are you like—like fucking stalking me or something? Why do I see you everywhere? Who the fuck are you, hm?!"
The sudden change made Nam-gyu's heart thump fast, sweat formed at his forehead, and his hands clamped against his jeans. "Nam-gyu...?"
"Ah, yeah, definitely rings a bell." Thanos sarcastically spat out before taking a few steps closer to Nam-gyu till they were next to the very first stall.
Nam-gyu didn't dare to look up at Thanos who inched in even closer till they were mere centimeters away. He suddenly grabbed Nam-gyu's badge that was embroidered into his uniform with his name on it; every student had it so teachers could identify them easily. "Jang Nam-gyu." The guy chortled, inspecting the badge and then Nam-gyu's red and sweaty face. "What's wrong, Namsu? Why so anxious? Do you think I'm scary?" He grinned before letting go of the badge.
"No. Not at all." Nam-gyu tried standing his ground. He was sure that this guy was just teasing him because he was bored. This wasn't actually bullying, just an annoying interrogation. Nam-gyu looked up at the taller guy and read his name badge, "Why would I be? S-su-bong." He stammered, his nervousness still showing no matter how hard he tried to hide it.
Thanos chuckled before grabbing Nam-gyu by his collar. "You think you're funny? Hm? Fucking twerp."
Nam-gyu held on to Thanos' wrists desperately, starting to get a little scared. Thanos clicked his tongue, "I was already in a bad mood today, and you just made it worse. Stupid snobby little freshman. Think you're tough shit 'cause it's your first year, don't you?"
"No, no. Can you let me go now?"
Thanos hummed, considering it for a moment. "Nope. I don't trust you yet, you little creep. How am I supposed to just let you go after you saw me vape? How do I know you'll keep your—" He paused and stared at Nam-gyu's lips, then into his eyes, "—your fucking mouth shut?"
"I will. I swear, dude."
The guy laughed mockingly again. "I'm not your dude. It's senior to you."
Nam-gyu sighed, "Yeah, okay. Can I go please?"
"Please, who?"
The boy gritted his teeth, "...senior."
Thanos smiled, satisfied. But not satisfied enough to let Nam-gyu go. "That's good. But not good enough. I still don't think you'll keep what you saw to yourself."
Nam-gyu looked up at him with pleading eyes. "I'm sorry, okay? I swear I won't tell anyone. It's none of my business, and I'm not a snitch."
The elder paused, he wasn't a bully, he really wasn't. He was just in a bad mood today and Nam-gyu just so happened to fall into his territory. "Fine. I'll let you go."
Relieved, Nam-gyu smiled thankfully up at the older guy, trying to pull away from his grasp. But Thanos' hold didn't falter, and another round of silence hit. "I'll let you go if you do something that'll make me feel better." He blurted out something; something in him switched at that moment.
His mind raced. Why would I say that?
"L-like what?" Nam-gyu pouted, and fuck did he look pretty. A little too pouty and pretty for a guy.
Thanos pinned Nam-gyu against the stall door that opened, pushing both of them inside. Nam-gyu had a feeling he knew what was going to happen. He felt his body get hotter; he kept his gaze locked on Thanos. Was this seriously about to happen?
"You fucking know what I mean, you- you bitch." He kept going; he didn't mean for this to happen; it just did. He couldn't control himself.
Nam-gyu hated how hot Thanos was; it made him feel like this wasn't as bad as it actually was. It made him a little eager actually. Just thinking about how he'll get to suck Thanos' dick before all those other girls that were always around Thanos made Nam-gyu feel a sense of superiority. But fuck. This was really weird, wasn't it? He hardly knows this guy. Is he really this much of a whore that he'll give a guy he doesn't know that well a blowjob out of nowhere?
Thanos' gaze switched, instead of having that dominant sparkle, he had a look that made him look like he was the one getting picked on instead. He bit his bottom lip and didn't dare to look at Nam-gyu. Nam-gyu, who started lowering himself and held on to the sides of Thanos' thighs. This was risky, the exact kind of risky that Nam-gyu lived for. "You're right, senior. I do know what you mean." Nam-gyu's eyes flicked upwards to meet Thanos' but Thanos didn't look back. Instead, he grabbed Nam-gyu's hands and forced him off of his sides.
Homosexuality is a sin.
Homosexuality is a sin.
Homosexuality is a sin.
Homosexuality is a sin.
Homosexuality is a sin.
Homosexuality is a sin.
He fiddled with the big cross necklace that was lying above the tie of his uniform. "G-get the fuck off me! You fucking faggot!" Thanos shouted, kicking Nam-gyu's knees that he was on, almost making the guy lose his balance.
Nam-gyu was confused. Thanos initiated this. He started this. So why was he doing this now?
Before Nam-gyu even knew it, Thanos had already stormed off, out of the stall, out of the bathroom.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Too close. That was too close.
Thanos can't keep allowing this to happen.
Allowing his sinful thoughts to get the best of him— fuck!
The very moment he got home, he sped off to his room and locked the door. He took off his uniform and changed into his pajamas, which were just baggy flannel pajama pants and no shirt. It was too hot; it was summer after all. The cross necklace was splayed across the middle of his hard chest. He sat on his bed and blew out air loudly, putting his hands on his head.
Why? Why did I do that? What was I thinking?
It's not the first time that Thanos struggled with thoughts such as these. He always felt like a part of him was tainted. He always had thoughts like these, lustful thoughts about men. His fantasies were all about guys. He liked girls; he definitely liked girls. Girls were great, amazing, and safe. But these thoughts about men overshadowed his thoughts about women. He never felt any excitement around girls his age. Sure, when he saw a really pretty girl with a nice rack, his mind would act out on its animalistic nature and start imagining things any other guy would. It's normal; all men think like this and are supposed to be thinking like this about women.
But not men.
He had tried his utter best to keep these disgusting fantasies to himself, to bottle them up and hide away the shame and guilt that were within him. But sometimes he couldn't. Like today, for example. Thanos couldn't contain himself when he saw Nam-gyu's pretty face, his pretty eyes, his pretty pouty lips, his long hair, his smaller figure—he was gorgeous. He was everything that Thanos wanted in a guy. Everything he had fantasized about.
The reason why Thanos started by acting like a prick to Nam-gyu, was to help himself suppress his disgraceful thoughts. He tried convincing himself that Nam-gyu was a weird little obsessed creep. He saw the boy everywhere. He knew his name. He read it so many times on his badge when he'd walk past Thanos. But Thanos acted stupid on purpose, he acted like an asshole with full intent.
But of course that didn't go well. He ended up saying shit he shouldn't have; he demanded something he never should've even allowed to be a thought. But—but damn, Nam-gyu was so willing. The little jerk got on his knees the very moment he was asked to, with no "what's, why's, but's," or even a hint of refusal.
Why was Thanos starting to feel like he missed out? He shouldn't be thinking like this. He can't be thinking like this.
He stood up and made his way to his desk. He sat down, grabbed his nearby Bible that his father "gifted" him for his thirteenth birthday, and opened to the part he had marked multiple times.
"Leviticus 20:13 ~ If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them."
Thanos had in fact marked many other parts in the Bible that went over this problem and the thoughts he was struggling with. It's just this one verse that stuck out to him the most. The part that he reread more times than he could count.
"Their blood is upon them." He mutters out again as his finger traces the line.
He nearly shivers at that. He feels his body stiffen up. His eyes sharpen and squint. His hands move on their own and automatically skim through the pages till he reaches "Romans 1"
He's read it so many times it's engraved into his retina. Yet, he feels the need to reread it again. To remind himself. To make sure he doesn't drift off again. This can't happen again.
His eyes take in every word, his heart feels heavier after each sentence, his eyes get teary, his finger that highlighted the words he was reading starts to cramp, and his voice cracks as he reads it out loud for himself.
"The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness."
He keeps going; he doesn't stop, even when a tear drips onto the page. He forces himself through it. This is his punishment. He deserves this; he deserves to be stuck with his shame and his guilt again.
"God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another."
He stammered out, his throat started hurting; it felt clogged. But he didn't stop; he wouldn't allow himself to.
This is what he gets for getting too close. For almost giving in to his temptation, for having these sick desires, for thinking in a lewd manner about men, for wanting and fantasizing about acting out on his shameful thoughts.
"In the same way, the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men and received in themselves the due penalty for their error."
He feels his chest get tighter: "Received in themselves the due penalty for their error." Those words make him feel worse. They always do when he reads them. "Error," like it's a mistake that can be fixed by a heavy amount of prayer...
"Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."
Another tear falls on the page: "Deserve death." He deserves death for his desires. His wicked desires. His tainted heart that refuses to work in the way it's supposed to.
Thanos wipes the inner corners of his eyes and pulls out his prayer candle; he lights it with the lighter he found in the drawer of his desk and places the lit candle behind his open Bible. Before starting, he stands up and rummages through his closet, putting on a white T-shirt to dress modestly while speaking to the lord.
He sits back down and fidgets with his cross, staring down at the open page of his Bible with a heavy stare of regret. His hands clasp together, and he rests his elbows on the desk, allowing his head to lean against his clasped hands.
A sigh escapes his lips.
"Father, I come before you today to confess to my disgusting thoughts that I just can't keep under control."
His mouth tightens into a hard line before he exhales shakily again. "I confess to my sinful desires and thoughts about men."
He tried to stay in line, to keep his feelings in check, to keep this prayer formal. But he couldn't.
"God, please forgive me. I ask you to help me with these wicked longings. I don't know what to do anymore. I keep thinking about them too much, and I always end up getting too close to acting out on them. I can't—"
His tears drip down onto the desk, and some drops even get on his hands, which he was leaning on. "I can't allow myself to continue like this. I ask you for strength to keep myself under control. I ask you to help me get rid of this illness. I ask of you to see how much I try to suppress these yearnings. I don't want to burn like the others; I trust in you, I give you my soul, and I believe in you."
"Father—" he croaked. "Heavenly Father, forgive me and help me with these despicable raptures."
After a somewhat quiet moment of him letting go completely and sobbing, he stops and tilts his head up, "In the name of the Father." He touches his hand to his forehead. "And of the son." He touches the center of his chest, "and of the holy." He touches his left shoulder. "Spirit, amen." He touches his right shoulder and huffs.
His father used to tell him that if he made the sign of the cross at the beginning or the end of his prayers, they would get answered faster. He used to say that it makes a person seem more devout to God when they make the sign of the cross each time.
Thanos gets up and takes the shirt off, throwing it aside. He plops on his bed, falling on his back, staring at the ceiling. He took in a few breaths. "It's okay. God sees me. He sees how I'm struggling. He'll help me." He assures himself, even though he himself doesn't fully believe it.
He isn't sure he'll be getting help from God against his wrongdoings. He used to always beg God for help when he was younger; it was always about these thoughts, these thoughts he started having once he turned twelve. Seeing men shirtless, pretty skinny guys that looked like girls but weren't girls, and once even getting exposed to two guys kissing on television. Even though it was supposed to be a joke, it really stuck with twelve-year-old Thanos. He never thought it was a possibility that two men could kiss until that moment. He found himself thinking about it, about how the lips of another guy would feel against his. Would it feel like those of a girl?
The curiosity stayed with him. No matter how hard he tried to get it out of his mind, he couldn't. He always heard his father speak about how people with such filthy desires will get punished greatly by God. And it scared him; it petrified him so much. He used to think that he'll burn in the depths of hell just for thinking about it. He didn't want to burn for eternity, the thought of getting burned and tortured for eternity was beyond scarring to young Thanos.
He cried to God and apologized countless times for his way of thinking; he used to pray that God could clean his brain so he could think normally like any other guy his age. But God never answered.
Thanos believed, trusted, and hoped. But his prayers seemed to just get tossed in the bin the very second they reached God. It was frustrating. He wanted to be heard and answered so desperately, but it looks like God loved to test him.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The next day at school during the switch between classes, Thanos sees Nam-gyu again; he was walking with his friends, fumbling with his tie. He makes accidental eye contact with Thanos, and his face flushes red before he looks away again. Thanos feels something ignite in him. A spark of amusement, maybe even adoration at Nam-gyu's reaction. He smiled to himself without realizing it. His friend, Myunggi, points it out and teases Thanos, thinking that Thanos was smiling at a girl instead.
"Who's got you smiling like that?" He grins playfully, nudging Thanos with his elbow.
Thanos pushes Myunggi harshly against a locker. "Shut the fuck up."
He holds onto his big cross necklace.
Homosexuality is a sin.
Homosexuality is a sin.
Homosexuality is a sin.