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When Suo wakes, a muddy darkness clinging to his sluggish thoughts, his dream is already blurring around the edges. It won't be long until he's forgotten it completely, but the phantom pain of it remains. Flashes of hands and blood, a piercing pain taking over the right side of his face, the smell of smog stuck in his nose.
Stupid, he thinks to himself, childish.
He sighs, taking stock of his body as quickly and clinically as possible. Sweat dampens the back of his sleep shirt and the roots of his hair, and his heart is galloping in his chest. There's goosebumps rising on the flesh of his forearms against his will, most likely from the chill in the room meeting the moist skin.
It's not like nightmares are rare for him, he attempts to rationalize it to himself as he lies there, floor hard through the futon, they are quite the frequent occurrence. He should know better by now than to be so undone by them, and yet here is he once more.
Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Hold.
He repeats this like a mantra, and while his body slowly begins to calm, his mind is whirring still. Images, both real and imagined, stick to his thoughts like glue, synapses over-firing as his brain remains stuck in some useless, unnecessary survival mode. The adrenaline coursing through his body like electricity is easy to identify, a sick feeling in his stomach and a strange sensation in his wrists.
Still, knowing what it is that he's feeling, comprehending the chemistry behind these emotions, does nothing to subdue them. It seems that his brain is unwilling to cooperate with him tonight, the racing thoughts threatening to tear him apart gyri by sulci as he spirals further and further, an unwilling spectator to his own brain chemistry.
Funny, how it all works. Suo doesn't feel like smiling for once, though.
It's fine, he tells himself as he rolls over, trying to get cozy again to little success, no one can see me.
Minutes tick by, the clock too audible in the room, as Suo attempts to regain his self-control. It's a skill he cherishes dearly, a skill hard-earned. He thinks — hopes, desperately — that his classmates don't notice how some days he holds onto it too tightly and how he can feel it slipping from his fingers more and more by the day.
Despite himself, Suo wishes he could be like them. They've got their own troubles, terrible ones, but they are all so open, so honest. They are unafraid to be themselves and face the world as they are, come what may. It's something Suo has never desired before, has never thought could be considered something worth being, and yet in these quiet hours of the earliest morning, he finds himself wanting it for himself. What would it be like?, he indulges himself in thinking, To tell them the truth about all that I am?
Would they stay and listen? Or would they realize how much of a coward he is? How he lied to them all this time, never intending to stay. No, he won't burden them with any of this, Suo can manage himself, and the others don't need his immature woes on top of their own.
Still.
Still, his heart won't quite find its rhythm again. Still, the room feels too dark, too small — suffocating. Still, the sweat grows cold on his skin, a clammy and discomforting sensation. And still, his thoughts make him dizzy with their frantic dancing, knocking sharply into the soft parts of his skull and making him feel like he's not really there, not really himself.
He tries to distract himself, tries to meditate, to count as high as he can. He tries knocking on wood, tries pushing the thoughts out of his head, yet nothing sticks. The images and the fears remain, heated and insistent as they force Suo to picture worst case scenarios over and over and over again, a torture of his own making.
"Embarrassing", he whispers to himself, defeated. He should be stronger than this. How can he let himself be bested by something as simple as thoughts. A nightmare? He's not a child anymore, but it seems he'll always be weak.
Accepting the impending sleep deprivation, Suo sits up on his futon. The silk of his night clothes shifts uncomfortably against the cooled sweat, his skin sticky and tight. There's a pulsating headache growing behind his eyes and a pinch in his neck that makes him flinch.
As his gaze wanders around the darkened room, shadows moving and merging in the corner of his eye, Suo allows himself to fantasize about what he would do if he wasn't himself. What would Nirei do, were he to feel like this? Or Sakura? Would they get out their phones and scroll until they felt better? Nirei maybe, Sakura definitely not.
So then, would they get up to grab a glass of water or perhaps some tea or hot chocolate? A snack? Would it help?
Maybe, just maybe, they'd even call someone. Rely on their friends.
There's a sharp pain in Suo's chest at the thought that he valiantly tries to ignore. Unfortunately, it's insistent.
Could he call someone?
The thought is repulsive, and makes him curl up tighter into himself. It's ridiculous, why would he do that? He knows his friends are trustworthy, knows they care, but Suo doesn't need their help, and he can't tell them the truth anyway.
So why bother?
There's nothing they can do. It'd only make things worse for them in the long run if Suo allows them to experience him vulnerable now. It's best they don't know that he's human too.
Why, then, is he reaching for his phone?
He almost drops the thing once he realizes what he's doing, but catches himself at the last second. It'd be horribly selfish to wake one of them up now, but maybe he could do it, permit himself this selfish act only once. He doesn't need to tell anyone anything, can pretend he's calling as a prank.
Yeah, he nods to himself, maybe he will do just that.
It might help, after all, just to hear one of their voices. It won't make the nightmares go away, not really, as he knows their reality is different from his; but still, a reminder of their existence, fleeting to him as it may be, might finally help calm his heart and mind.
Decision made, Suo opens his contacts. For a moment, he just scrolls idly, names barely registering before he hits the screen with his thumb — a little too hard — and lands on Sakura's name.
His grade captain is the obvious choice. The other boy has no family living with him that could be woken up by a late night phone call, and as mean as it may sound, Sakura's pretty messed up. Suo knows he deals with night terrors of his own, not that he plans to share his with him, but it's reassuring nonetheless.
Sakura also won't push him too far. He'll just be annoyed by Suo's stupid prank, sleepily yell at him a little and then hang up. It will have to be enough, it's all Suo will let himself have.
It's already too much.
He presses the call button. Only now does it occur to him that the likelihood of Sakura even picking up is low. It's — what? — three in the morning? The other boy is most certainly dead to the world and has probably muted his phone — if he knows how to do that. Suo wouldn't put it past Sakura to sleep through a blaring ringtone either.
So lost in thought, Suo barely registers when the dial tone stops, and Sakura's raspy voice comes through the speakers.
"Wha-?", his conversation partners slurs, voice heavy with sleep, "Suo? 'Sup? Where do I needa be?"
Of course his first thought is that there's been an altercation. Of course his instinct is to ignore his own needs and offer help. This is exactly why Suo can't tell him the truth, but it's also why he admires him most. Sakura is a truly good person, and he's got a bright future ahead of him. Suo really believes that.
"Oh no, Sakura-kun! Don't worry." Suo does his best impression of his usual voice, the casual tone and teasing lilt coming all too easily, despite his heart not being in it. It's too busy still pounding away in his ribcage, anxiety thrumming in his veins. "I just wanted to hear your lovely voice!"
"HUH?" The other is clearly more awake now, Suo hears rustling on his side of the phone. "The fuck is wrong with you? 's fuckin' like — like 3 am! Ya better be dyin' or somethin'!"
Suo chuckles despite himself. Sakura is always such a delight, so easy to rile up and mess with. It takes only a few words, or a single look, and Sakura lights up like a neon sign, flushing up to the tips of his ears as he stumbles over his words, loud and brash and wonderful.
"My apologies", Suo chuckles and cringes upon hearing the hollow sound. He counts on Sakura being too tired and the phone connection too grainy for the other boy to pick up on it. "The dragon sealed in my eye has decided to wake me up! Tragic, I know. So I thought you could suffer with me!"
He says all of this with a grin, though Sakura can't see it — he might hear it. The morsel of truth in the statement is something he doesn't think about.
As expected, Sakura goes on a sleepy tirade, cussing Suo out for being an idiot and a trickster but noticeably, he fails to hang up. This spiel goes on for a few minutes, and Suo allows himself to simply enjoy it. His muscles begin to loosen as he lies back down, Sakura's scratchy but boisterous voice drifting into his ear like a lullaby.
Until it comes to a stop rather abruptly. Strange, did Sakura fall asleep in the middle of speaking?
"'kay but…", Sakura's voice returns to the call, now oddly contemplative. It seems the boy has fully woken himself up by merit of his own annoyance. He's really such a fun guy, that Sakura. "Why're ya really callin'?"
Suo blinks, his heart rate spiking again. This method of distraction he'd chosen has been working so well, Sakura's endearing personality and lovely voice providing a welcome escape from his spiraling thoughts, that the question strikes Suo dumb for just a second too long.
Internally, he swears at himself. This hesitation won't do, he would normally shoot back a quip immediately. Sakura, despite his straightforward and rather simple attitude, is unnervingly observant when he wants to be.
"Whatever do you mean, Sakura-kun?", he clears his throat and attempts to save face, "Are you implying I would lie to you?"
He can practically hear the other roll his eyes. It's too easy to picture Sakura as he must be now, lying on his futon much like Suo himself, the room around him empty and dark but less empty than it used to be, love and care beginning to flow out from the cracks. Suo imagines the dim light of the screen reflecting in his pretty, mismatched eyes, imagines the furrow between his brows and the pout of his lips.
"Yer a lyin' bastard all the time", Sakura bites back but it seems his heart's not in it, "So what's wrong?"
Huh. Suo seems to have miscalculated by thinking Sakura wouldn't notice or that if he did, he wouldn't push. His grade captain has grown so much, it's hard to keep up with. In a way, Suo feels a little left behind; Sakura always a much better leader than him. At least he can rest assured that Sakura is in a good spot, and has more support than he knows what to do with.
"Wrong? Sakura-kun", he draws out the last syllable on purpose, hoping to annoy the other boy into giving up on his inquiries, "I told you, I just want to hear -"
"Cut the bullshit." More rustling comes through the phone. It seems Sakura is sitting up or rolling over in bed. "Ya don't gotta tell me shit if ya don't wanna, but don't lie to me."
This, admittedly, leaves Suo at a bit of a loss for words.
He can't help but think that Sakura's a little stupid, and immediately feels horrible for it. What use is there in calling out a lie if you don't want to hear the truth? What else is Suo supposed to tell him then? These sincere types, as admirable as they are, can be awfully puzzling.
Traitorously, the rough care in Sakura's words does pierce Suo's heart. He relaxes into the futon just a fraction, though his muscles remain tight. Sakura wouldn't say this, wouldn't care, if he really knew him. But oh, does Suo sometimes wish he would. Wish they all would. It seems so nice to be a part of this whole thing, truly be a part of it, to know you can be honest and vulnerable and show all the ugly parts of yourself and still be safe, protected, loved.
Alas.
"Suo?"
Oh. It seems he failed to respond to that at all.
"Aw, is Sakura-kun worried about me?", Suo is careful to make the words sound natural but he's tired. His brain feels a little like it's been run through a meat grinder, and his legs are trembling very faintly, so it's not as convincing as he'd like it to be.
Frustrated, he curses himself. This was a terrible idea, he should have never called. Suo briefly considers just hanging up, but knows Sakura would not let this go. And he'd rather the other doesn't bring this up at school the next day.
"Yeah", Sakura seems to force the word out. Suo can imagine the blush blooming on his cheeks. "So?"
Stumped, Suo remains silent once more.
"Yer so stupid", Sakura mutters, seemingly to himself, "It's fine if ya had a nightmare or somethin', 's normal."
Suo blinks into the darkness of the room. For once, his brain is failing to catch up, the conversation all too real for his liking all too quickly.
"There -", Suo coughs, his voice drier than he expected it to be. His throat feels tight. "There was a lovely cat on my way home from school today, you would have liked it."
It's the best he can do. He can't admit to anything, even if it's something as mundane and normal as a nightmare. But he can handle this, a regular conversation. Talking to Sakura at all is already helping to distract him, the signs of his mental disarray slowly improving, his mind clearer than it was before.
"A'ight", Sakura says and it's oddly soft in a way Suo hasn't heard from him much, "What'd it look like?"
The two of them stumble their way through an awkward conversation, both a little out of their depth as they recount their days, focusing on the mundane, the easy, the beautiful; and skirting around all that is less so. Somehow, Suo feels they reach an understanding still, and even though they're just talking about the dessert Sakura tried at Saboten, and Tsugeura's newest protein shake flavor, he feels closer to him than before, like one layer of bricks has been removed from the wall erected between them. Suo's not sure how he feels about it.
Still, he can admit that it's nice. He likes Sakura, and the others too. They're good people, fun to spend time with, even more fun to talk to, and fascinating to observe. They're strong, kind and honorable. And even though Sakura is jaded and a little broken, and is only now learning how to truly exist as a person with worth, though his words are often awkward and rude, he is slowly figuring out how to do the hard part.
If he's nothing else, Sakura is determined. He wants to learn about the people around him, wants to understand and help and connect. It's a desire Suo would never admit to having, but does anyway. It's something Suo knows will help Sakura reach all the heights he dreams of, and that allows Suo to rest easier knowing that the other will be just fine when he's not there anymore.
"Feelin' better?", Sakura asks eventually once they've run out of things to say. He sounds a bit strangled, like he has throughout the whole conversation, softness to him still something akin to a new pair of boots, not yet worn in and still leaving blisters.
The answer is yes. Suo does feel better now, calmer and more settled, tiredness making his eyelids heavy, his mind as quiet as it ever gets. It's now mostly filled with thoughts about Sakura rather than what he was plagued with before.
Suo won't admit to that, but he still wants Sakura to know that he was helpful, that what he's learning is good, that he is good.
"I had a lovely time speaking with you, Sakura-kun", he says, "I'm sorry to keep you up so late."
Sakura hums, non-committal and clearly ready to fall right back asleep.
"'s a'ight", he mumbles, "Thanks for callin'."
"Thanks?", Suo snickers, "I woke you up at three a.m."
Once again, there's a rustling sound on Sakura's end. Suo imagines he might have shrugged.
"Yeah", he says, "But I'm glad ya called someone."
How selfless he is. Suo sighs, quietly so that Sakura won't hear, and can't fight the small smile gracing his features. This boy is too caring for his own good, truly. Even with his bad boy facade, it's plain as day for all to see how much of a bleeding heart he carries in his chest, wearing his emotions on his sleeve. He's so lovely, sometimes Suo doesn't know what to do with himself, but he does know that he'll never be able to forget him.
He hopes, despite himself, despite the fact that that would make everything worse, that he has some kind of lasting impact on Sakura too.
"Goodnight, Sakura-kun."
Sakura yawns loudly, eliciting a fond chuckle from his conversation partner. He's really too cute, Suo can't help but think, like an unruly kitten.
"Night, Suo."