Archive of Our Own

1st June

It’s not that Eddie doesn’t know what Pride parades are like, but he's definitely never stood in the middle of one, never realized just how many people there are in attendance, how much joyful celebration, how much glitter. Like many things in his life, Pride is something he smiles at from afar, never peering too closely, happy to be a quiet observer.

Buck bounds up to Eddie, slotting perfectly into place next to him. Sure, they haven’t been partners on the job for about a year, but the distance never buffed out that Buck-shaped spot carved in his side – the spot gazetted since that one night they removed a grenade from a man’s leg in the back of an ambulance.

The parade is still in full swing, despite a small crowd gathering by the side. The 118 engine is parked on a smaller side road, the main thoroughfare still being reserved for the bulk of parade attendees, and the emergency not exactly dramatic enough to derail the parade. From what dispatch informed them, there was a slight accident involving two performers, and they’ve already been moved to a safe corner.

At Chim’s command, Hen and Eddie part the crowds to find their patients. They find a man and a woman dressed in bright colors, feathers adorning their costumes, glitter spilling from every body part, leaving specks on the floor next to them. The aftermath of the accident is certainly not pretty. The woman’s stiletto is lodged into the man’s shoulder, and the woman’s ankle is definitely broken, but it's far from the worst emergency they’ve seen. With practiced ease, Hen eases the woman out from her shoe, and Eddie heads over to pack the man’s wound to prep for transport.

“Hi, I’m Eddie, I’m gonna check you out and then we’ll bring you and your dance partner to the hospital. What’s your name?”

“Jake,” the man responds, wincing when Eddie tries to wrap his shoulder. “Is Malia okay? Her girlfriend’s going to kill me, she told me not to convince Malia to wear those stilettos today.”

Eddie looks over to the woman – Malia, he presumes – and back at Jake. “Looks like it’s just a broken ankle. Nothing too bad.”

Jake looks at the stiletto in his shoulder and groans. “Definitely not as crazy an injury as mine, right?”

“Weirdly, I’ve seen a stiletto in worse places,” Eddie laughs, thinking back to the call where they had been dosed with LSD, vaguely recalling a heel in somebody’s face. “They’ll remove the shoe at the hospital, and you didn’t lose much blood, so you’ll probably be fine. I’m sure you’ll dance again.” He jokes, preparing to gesture to Buck and Ravi to help load Jake onto the ambulance.

“Wait. Eddie… Eddie Diaz?” Jake is suddenly staring at Eddie, mouth hanging open.

Eddie pauses, studies Jake’s face. He looks him in the eyes for the first time and recognition suddenly floods him. “Oh my god. Jake Montoya?”

“When did you move to LA? And when did you become a firefighter?”

“Well, eight years ago for both. What about you? When did you move to LA?”

“I came for college! Went to USC, if you can believe it. Decided to stay after graduation.”

“Wow, I haven’t seen you since…”

Eddie remembers the last time he saw Jake. He was 14, and had just told Jake he was quitting ballroom dancing. The evening sun had cast strips of orange through slats in the blinds of their dance studio. Eddie and Jake had never really hung out outside of dance, never really had an excuse to see each other outside of their shared hobby that consumed hours of their precious teenage afternoons. Eddie knew they could’ve exchanged numbers, asked to hang out just for fun, been friends still, but extending their friendship beyond the studio had seemed intimate in a way that scared him somehow. It was another thing he didn’t want to look too closely at.

So he said goodbye, hugged Jake for the last time. And he didn’t cry because his father had told him that it wasn't a thing men did. His tears burned at his eyes, but he didn’t let them fall, told himself the stinging meant he was being brave.

“You guys know each other?” Buck’s voice breaks through the memory. He clicks back into his preordained place, back in step beside Eddie.

“Oh, yeah, we knew each other as kids. From ballroom dancing in El Paso.” Jake offers helpfully.

Buck’s eyes widen. “Ballroom dancing? Eddie, you never told us you did ballroom dancing?”

Eddie’s cheeks redden, but his smile is fond. “Well, it never came up. It was just for a couple of years. I was literally a kid, quit when I was 14.”

Jake scoffs. “Please, Eddie’s being modest. He was a prodigy. He won every competition for years – I never even stood a chance till he left. I guess I have him to thank for my accomplishments.”

Buck looks giddy with this new information. “Oh my god, Eddie! Why didn’t you tell me? We need to find videos. I’m sure you have videos.”

“Okay, Buck,” Eddie sighs, a smile still dancing on his lips. “Let’s get Jake to the hospital, and I’ll find you some videos or something when we’re back at the firehouse.” He bumps his shoulder against Buck’s, playfully telling him to do his job. Buck grins back, smile dazzling and full of unbridled joy, as he helps Eddie load Jake onto a gurney.

Eddie rides with Jake in the ambulance, and as Jake is being wheeled into First Presbyterian, he gives Eddie his number. To catch up, he says, and something swells inside Eddie. He punches Jake’s number into his phone and saves it.

2nd June

Buck is having way too much fun with this new revelation. He’s already found dozens of clips from a YouTube channel which has conveniently archived videos of the El Paso Regional Ballroom Dancing Championships from the early 2000s. A young Eddie Diaz features in many of them circa 2002 – 2006.

He has them playing on a loop on the TV in the loft of the firehouse, despite Hen’s protests and insistence that she would much rather be watching the newest season of Love is Blind. But before long, they’re all cooing at a twelve-year-old Eddie gliding across the stage, controlled and elegant despite his small, underdeveloped frame. Present, thirty-three-year-old Eddie, on the other hand, has his head buried in his hands, begging for them to end his torture.

They watch as the results are announced, and a little Eddie Diaz and his dance partner Melanie excitedly rise to claim their championship trophy. Eddie finally deems this portion of the video safe to watch without cringing, seeing the smile plastered on his own face, a moment of genuine joy. His eyes are locked somewhere in the audience, and Eddie knows he was staring straight at his parents, enjoying the look of pride on their faces, an image so rarely offered for his sake. He remembers trying to commit the image to memory, trying to savor their fleeting comfort.

And on screen, another figure bursts onto the stage, wrapping little Eddie in a hug. Eddie’s gaze softens as he remembers that it was Jake, having already received his prize for second place. Little Eddie on the screen is stunned for a moment, but recovers and hugs Jake tightly, squeezing his eyes shut and burying his head in Jake’s arms. Adult Eddie feels almost like he’s intruding on something, watching how they melt into each other’s arms. For a moment, he fills with warmth, remembering how it felt to be held that day. But just as quickly, he remembers how when he pried his eyes open, the pride on his parents’ faces had already morphed into something much colder and more complicated.

“Hey, is that your friend from the call yesterday?” Buck leans over, his eyes studying Eddie’s face. Eddie doesn’t know what his mess of emotions are currently contorting his expression into, but he tries to school it into something more neutral.

“Um. Yeah. Jake.” Eddie says.

“You guys seemed really close,” Buck smiles at Eddie.

“Yeah… yeah he was my best friend. One of my only friends in ballroom, actually,” Eddie replies, keeping his tone light. “But we… kinda lost contact after I quit. We were kids, you know, had other things going on.”

Buck gets a little quiet at that. Eddie turns his eyes back to the screen, where his little self is still locked in embrace with Jake, their mouths moving quickly, like they’re sharing some whispered secret between them. That Eddie hasn’t looked up, hasn’t seen the fear in his parents’ eyes, hasn’t thought to pull away from his best friend. And Present Eddie wishes he could go back, relive those sweet three minutes in 2004 where everything was right in the world.

On screen, Eddie looks back into the audience. He frowns. Untangles himself from his best friend. And the moment is over.

3rd June

Eddie enjoys the quiet of a morning run. Buck isn't a fan of cardio at any point before mid-day (calls it an affront to humanity, actually) and Chris isn't in the habit of waking before 11am in the summer, so Eddie happily slips into his LAFD tank, shorts, and goes out on a run. The route is familiar, safe. He's taken it every day for years. He barely even has to think about where to make turns, what pace to set, what he wants at the juice bar at the end of his run.

In fact, that's pretty much the appeal of the run. He enjoys not thinking at all, letting himself sink comfortably into the endorphins from his runner's high and bone-deep exhaustion from pushing his body after a long shift. He knows that sitting in silence, he'll finally have to open some boxes in his mind that he's taped shut with purpose. Boxes that have remained tucked away for years for good reason. And while recent events may have prodded at them, he's happy to keep his mind as it is. Unexamined, perhaps, but at least intact.

He's done everything so automatically that he doesn't even notice that he's sitting across from Father Brian again, for the first time since the day Father Brian had told him to choose the juice. Eddie looks down at the bottle of water he holds in his hand, and winces.

"Ah, this isn't a good look, is it, Father?" Eddie grimaces.

"I distinctly recall telling you to choose the juice. To allow yourself joy," Father Brian smiles easily, appraising Eddie's countenance. Something in him settles as he seems satisfied.

"I'm drinking water right now, but… I did choose joy. I promise."

"I'm happy to hear it, Eddie. How's your son? Is he back from Texas?" Father Brian offers, and Eddie realizes just how long it's been since that day. How far he's come since.

"Y-yeah. Chris is back with me. It's been really good. We've been really good."

Father Brian smiles, realizing that Eddie's response is genuine. "I'm guessing there have been no more doppelgangers of your dead wife in your life, then?" He jokes.

Eddie barks a laugh at that. "No. No, definitely not. In fact, I think I'm kinda done with all that. With dating."

Father Brian's eyebrows knot a little. He places his coffee down, as if trying to find an angle to approach the topic. "I'm not one to say you need to date, Eddie. I mean," he gestures to himself, Eddie remembers the way he had chuckled and said I'm celibate those months ago. "But I hope you're choosing that for yourself. Not because you're afraid of hurting your son again. Or because you're afraid of hurting yourself again."

"No, it's nothing like that," Eddie assures him. "I just… I think I realized that I've been trying to find a replacement mother for Chris. My last two girlfriends, Ana and Marisol, Chris adored them. And I don't think I really loved them that much, but I was trying to make it work for him. And it was kind of exhausting, like a performance... Like I had to tell myself to love them because Chris did."

Father Brian is pensive for a moment, nodding. "But your late wife, how did it feel with her?"

"Shannon was my best friend. It was easy to love her. I just wanted to spend time with her. But… that was the beginning. We spent so much time together, everyone just assumed we were dating. So we did. But then by the end it just got so complicated and so difficult and I think I forgot how to love her. So I ran, and then she ran, and then she was gone. And I know I messed up with her. I just wished by the end I could've gone back to when she was my best friend and I loved hanging out with her." Eddie exhales. The words had come tumbling out of him at breakneck speed. He isn't even sure whether the words were a fully formed thought before he'd said it, but he's sure they had at least been honest.

Father Brian purses his lips, gives Eddie a sad smile. He pats Eddie on the shoulder, and says, "Eddie,I think you've figured this out already, but Chris doesn't need a replacement mother. I'm sure he wants you to be happy, and I hope that for you too. So if you don't think there's room for another woman in your life, then that's okay too."

Eddie considers it, and realizes it's true. He sees so clearly the jigsaw puzzle of his life, pieces slotting in, painting a picture. Members of the 118 forming the tapestry of his family. There, next to Eddie's own jigsaw piece, clicked into place on his right is Chris' little piece. And there, on the left of his jigsaw piece, perfectly slotting into place like their shapes were hand crafted to perfectly fit, is Buck. He steps back and admires the image, and thinks that his family is complete. The thought of him introducing another woman seems almost absurd.

"Yeah. Yeah, I don't think there is," Eddie smiles and replies.

Father Brian stands to go, his empty coffee cup light in his grip. "Alright, I enjoyed chatting, Eddie. Next time, drink the juice."

Eddie sips his water as he watches Father Brian leave.

4th June

Eddie, Buck and Chris are getting pizza. Hawaiian for Buck and Chris, and a smaller pepperoni one for Eddie sit on the greasy table at the pizza place, and Buck is telling Chris about Eddie's ballroom dancing.

"I'll send you the video later, Chris. Your dad was amazing!"

Eddie huffs. "Crazy to think I was younger than Chris is now in that video."

Chris scrunches his nose, expressing his displeasure at imagining a time his dad was younger than him. Eddie looks at Chris, imagines himself at fifteen. No longer a ballroom dancer, now a baseballer. He was never even half as good at baseball as he was at ballroom, but he liked it better that way. His parents never beamed at him with the same pride anymore, but they had stopped being disappointed any time he made a mistake, instead looking at him constantly with some mixture of relief and pity.

And then he would meet Shannon, become best friends, and they would fool around. Just once, but it would be enough to change everything. Then, less than five years after he told Jake goodbye for the last time, Eddie would be holding his son in his arms, and nothing before that moment would matter to him.

"Dad," Chris calls, apparently for the second time, snapping Eddie out of his thoughts. "Do you want another pizza? Buck said he was still hungry."

"Yeah, we can split another. Not Hawaiian, though." Eddie blinks. Buck isn't at the table, probably in the bathroom.

"Okay, I'll go place the order." Chris shuffles out of his seat. Eddie knows better than to offer to do it for him, he knows how Chris is increasingly valuing his independence. He knows he's just a few years off from going sending his kid off to college and watching him building his own life. He sees the fully formed teenager in front of him and beams with pride, wondering how wrong he had been as a child to elicit disappointment from his parents, because he can't imagine feeling that way about his son.

Chris is laughing as he slides back into their booth, just in time for Buck to return.

"What'd I miss? What's so funny?" Buck asks.

"Nothing, just giggling at the name of the pizza I ordered."

Eddie's eyes narrow. "What did you order?"

"It's a special they're having for pride month!" Chris smiles. "It was called BI-smarck"

Eddie looks puzzled. "So it's a Bismarck pizza? What makes it bi?"

Their pizza is promptly served, and the mystery unveiled. The BI-smarck is a perfectly regular Bismarck pizza with a little bisexual pride flag planted in the middle. Buck guffaws at it.

They enjoy their pizza, and Buck takes the bi flag with him as a souvenir. And as they pile into Eddie's truck, Eddie thinks he could never look at Chris with anything less than unbridled pride.

5th June

In Eddie's professional opinion, four days isn't nearly enough to be discharged after being impaled by a stiletto. So when he texts Jake to arrange a time to meet soon, he doesn't expect Jake to respond with: I'm out today! Wanna meet at this cafe down the road from First Presbyterian? I could go for some non-hospital food.

Eddie, who doesn't have a shift that day, doesn't see why not. Which is how Eddie finds himself having brunch at a quaint cafe on a Friday afternoon with his childhood best friend.

"Wow, this is great. Especially in comparison to the food in the hospital. That was rough," Jake comments, in between shoveling scrambled eggs into his mouth.

Eddie sips his black coffee, nodding sagely. "Yeah, I was in there last month. Longest three days of my life."

Jake's eyes widen, and Eddie quickly explains, "I was stabbed. Lightly."

"Right. That's definitely normal and doesn't invite more questions," Jake comments, but his tone is light. The conversation is easy, almost like picking up a thread left dangling twenty years in the past. "So, how have you been Eddie? I remember hearing before I left El Paso that you were getting married? Kid on the way?"

Eddie swallows. He hadn't realized Jake had heard about Shannon. He hadn't invited Jake to the wedding – they hadn't spoken to each other for years by then. He's surprised to learn that Jake had even spared him a stray thought after the day he hugged him goodbye.

"Y-yeah. Christopher. He's my everything. Fifteen now, sixteen later this year. God, he's so big." His voice lowers, almost a whisper when he adds, "my wife, uh… Shannon, she died about six years ago."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." Jake quickly says, and Eddie smiles weakly at him.

"So… What about you, Jake? Anybody special in your life?"

"Yeah… no. My boyfriend of 5 years decided to dump me three weeks before Pride. The same Pride where I got stabbed with a stiletto, though at least Malia has been very nice and apologetic about it. And her girlfriend Leanne has decided not to murder me for even giving her said stilettos. So all in all, not the worst. But no, nobody special."

Eddie startles a little. He hadn't known Jake was queer, but they did meet at a Pride parade, so it was a distinct possibility. Eddie knows from experience (read: Tommy) that his gaydar isn't exactly well-tuned, so he shrugs it off and smiles at Jake.

They continue making light conversation, Jake filling Eddie in on drama in the Texas ballroom scene after he left, and explaining how the LA ballroom scene is a completely different beast. He still dances recreationally, teaches classes for a living, and Eddie is quietly glad that Jake never lost his love for dance like he did. Eddie tells him stories about absurd rescues, careful to tiptoe around life-altering, traumatic events. Tsunamis, well collapses, shootings, lightning, car crashes and kidnappings all go untold. He opts instead to tell Jake about the time they were trapped in the engine because of a "jinx".

As the conversation flows, they start to reminisce. Start to think back to those 4 years where they shared almost every afternoon sweating in a studio whose air conditioning crapped out half the time. When despite the sweltering, oppressive Texan heat, they wouldn't have chosen to be anywhere else but spinning across those hardwood floors.

"You know," Jake breathes, shaking his head at the memory. "Fourteen-year-old me had the hugest crush on you." Eddie freezes, but Jake continues, his eyebrow raised. "And I could've sworn it was reciprocated."

Jake says it with such levity, like he's just recalling a funny childhood anecdote. Which, Eddie reminds himself, he is. But it somehow feels pointed, like opening a box that Eddie had safely hidden. Jake had taken the box, dusted off the cobwebs on it, and taken a magnifying glass to its contents. And Eddie was desperately, painstakingly, frantically trying not to look. Squeeze his eyes shut and breathe till it seals itself back up. He somehow feels like Jake is staring straight into his soul and damning him then and there.

"U-uh," Eddie chokes out. "I'm straight." He tries to chuckle slightly, but it comes out like a strangled cough instead. "I mean… not that there would have been anything wrong, I just… I didn't have a crush." Eddie tries to convince himself that he isn't spiraling. Because his words die on his tongue like a lie half formed.

"Oh! Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I totally assumed," Jake's reply comes quickly. "I totally made this awkward, didn't I?"

"No. Of course not." Eddie is so calm right now. Definitely not on the verge of a panic attack. He knows how to do box breathing, and he is totally not trying to discreetly do it so subtly that Jake doesn't notice he's having a crisis in front of his avocado toast.

Jake definitely notices. "Eddie, are you okay? I didn't… I really didn't mean to imply anything, okay? I guess it was just a kid's wishful thinking." He smiles a reconciliatory smile, offering Eddie a quick lifeline, and Eddie clings to it for his own sanity.

The box is tightly packed and promptly stored, and Eddie is perfectly fine.

There's silence for a while, save for the scraping of forks and knives against porcelain. Eddie feels almost like they've breached something. Some sacred bubble that typically wraps itself around conversations between friends who haven't spoken in years. An unspoken promise not to bring up any topic too difficult or too close to real.

But the bubble is popped and it feels like Jake and Eddie are tumbling straight to the floor.

"I've always wondered, why'd you quit?" Jake tries. And the silence that follows forces the breath out from both of their lungs for a few painful seconds.

"I couldn't take it anymore," Eddie starts. "No, don't look at me like that. I know I was good. I know I won a lot, but I couldn't take the way my parents looked at me with such disappointment every time I made the slightest mistake. They killed it for me, took all the joy out of it. I used to love it. I used to love dancing and I used to love dancing with you. But they kept making me feel like everything I did when I was dancing was wrong."

Something about the admission hangs heavier in the air than Eddie means it to.

"And that's why you… never danced again?" Jake clarifies. Never saw me again either. The implication hangs unsaid.

Eddie nods. The confession is bitter on his tongue. He tries to wash it down with water from his cup, but the sting of bitterness remains. He wishes he'd ordered the orange juice instead.

6th June

"What does it mean," Eddie rasps. "If I don't feel like I ever loved you the way I was supposed to. Butterflies in your stomach. Thoughts swirling in your head. Smiling like a light-headed idiot. What if I never felt that with you?"

The sun hangs low on a balmy summer afternoon in LA, and Eddie is at his wife's grave.

"What if loving you was easy because I was never in love with you? Because you were my best friend, and it was so easy to be with you, to spend time with you, to care about you, to share my life with you? Because I never wanted you the way I wanted my first best friend? It was so easy because it was so uncomplicated. Until it wasn't and I didn't know how to love you anymore."

The cemetery is empty, but not silent. The sounds of nature, ironically breathing life into this resting place, echo across the grounds. Eddie looks at his own feet, shaking slightly, kicking the ground a little, displacing a tiny bit of dirt onto the sunflowers he's laid at Shannon's grave. He tries not to think about the specks of blood on Shannon's yellow dress.

"I miss you so much, Shan. And I'm so sorry. You should have lived. We should've gotten that divorce. And you should have found someone who was in love with you, not someone who didn't know how to love you when love got a little too complicated."

7th June

It's Sunday night and they're at trivia. It's a special drag queen hosted trivia for Pride, at Buck's suggestion. Buck, Eddie, Hen, Karen, Ravi and May are crammed into a booth, hunching over an answer sheet, debating over which country has had the largest Pride parade. (Buck is certain the answer's Brazil, and Eddie is sure he's right because he knows Buck is freakishly good at trivia)

It's not lost on him that Buck and him are here with two couples, almost as one unit themselves. He doesn't know when Eddie had slowly changed into Buck and Eddie and finally into BuckAndEddie, but the thought of it settles comfortably in his chest as he leans his body weight into Buck, pretending to also want eyes on the answer sheet. Eddie doesn't actually have much to contribute, helping with a fact about sports here or there, but Buck has been formidable, truly in his element.

In between rounds, they're sipping beers and chatting, and May is updating everyone on her new accelerated nursing program. The hours are long and the speed is grueling, but May finally feels like she's thriving. Ravi's eyes are twinkling as May describes how much she loves her new work.

"Hey, can't be any more stressful than working at Dispatch, right?" Eddie raises his beer toward May, earning him a smile from his former co-worker.

"I always forget you guys were working together then," Hen muses.

"Oh yeah, Eddie needed a ton of help," May cheekily supplies. "He was running the LAFD twitter and barely understood how social media worked."

Eddie sheepishly lowers his head, giggling as Buck playfully nudges his shoulder. He leans into the touch, and realizes he might be a little more tipsy than he thought. He presses himself into Buck, letting the puzzle pieces of their bodies click into place once again.

"Remember when I had to teach you what FOMO was?"

"Eddie!" Karen is laughing. "I'm pushing 50 and I know that one!"

"Well, I know it now! Fear of missing out, right?" Eddie's eyes narrow at May. "I remember giving you some very good, very therapized advice about that. Weird, I didn't hear you thanking me when you got your college degree?"

He gets some nuts thrown at his head for that comment. May looks at Eddie, serious suddenly, and says, "Ok, jokes aside, thanks Eddie. If we hadn't had that talk, I might still be living a life that isn't mine."

Buck's arm wraps around Eddie's shoulder – Eddie knows Buck always gets clingy when drunk, which is a thought that sends Eddie's stomach aflutter, and Eddie tries not to question why. Buck's mouth is close to Eddie's face, his alcohol-tinged breath warm and kind of fruity on Eddie's flushed cheeks, his intense blue eyes burning into Eddie's brown orbs. "What about you, Eddie? Any FOMO on your end?"

"Nah," the answer comes easily, and to Eddie's surprise, truthfully. "I said then that I've never really thought about it, but… I don't think I'm missing out on anything right now." Eddie smiles a toothy grin, buries his head in Buck's embrace slightly, looks around the booth at his co-workers, friends, family, and the words take root inside him like truth.

To absolutely nobody's surprise, they win trivia, thanks in no small part to Buck. The prize is two complimentary bottles of wine and a voucher for two for a dinner at an upscale queer-owned restaurant in the city, and the table erupts into light-hearted arguments over who should get the voucher.

"Well, Buck should probably take it, he answered like 90% of the questions," Eddie says plainly.

"Easy for you to say, Edmundo. You know if Buck has a voucher for two that you're getting to go too." Hen chides.

"Yeah, why do you guys need a dinner date anyway? How about… you invest into a young couple's burgeoning relationship and let May and I have a nice date?" Ravi teases.

"Wow, in pride month? Homophobic, Ravi. Obviously you should let your lovely married lesbian friends have a date," Karen supplies.

"Hey, just saying, only one pair here doesn't have kids and hence don't need a babysitter. It's convenience over anything!" May adds.

"Come on guys, I've been wanting to try the steak at this restaurant for months!" Buck finally chimes in. "And Chris is literally fifteen, he can take care of himself for one night. Also, there's nothing wrong with taking your best friend out to a nice dinner!"

Karen opens her mouth seemingly to make one last joking protest, and Buck smiles and says, "You can't say it's homophobic, Karen, I'm literally bisexual."

"Well there go all our arguments, then," Karen sighs in faux resignation, but the smile hasn't faded from her lips. The argument was in good fun, and Eddie feels like they would've given it to Buck anyway once Buck had expressed interest, since he did pretty much carry them to a win single-handed. "Enjoy your date, Buck and Eddie."

Eddie doesn't think about why that makes his heart skip a beat. Doesn't think about how it felt right that Buck was thinking about Chris when May mentioned kids. Doesn't think about how much his body just wants to melt into Buck's touch. Doesn't think about BuckAndEddie.

Hen, Karen, May and Ravi decide how to split the rest of the prize, two bottles of expensive-looking red wine. Each couple lays claim to one bottle, and the table finally settles. Ravi looks over at Eddie, half disappeared into Buck.

"Man, I heard that restaurant is so good. You're lucky, Eddie, you suck at trivia and you're still getting to go," Ravi laughs.

Eddie can't help but feel kinda juvenile, tipsy in this booth with his best friend pressed against him. He whines, "I'm not that bad at trivia. I'm just not that great at tonight's topic, okay?" It had been Pride-themed, and Eddie had been slightly ashamed at his inadequate allyship when he leaned over to whisper to Buck Who's Harvey Milk?

"Nah, I've seen you at other trivia nights," Ravi answers, and Eddie rolls his eyes. "What topics do you think you'd be good at then?"

Eddie's mind wanders. He doesn't think he's an expert in anything. The only facts he can pull from his swimming mind right now are all about his favorite person, whose body heat is radiating from his left side. He knows with certainty the shape of Buck's birthmark, the shade of blue of his eyes, the way he ducks his head when he laughs, the outline of his hand when he kisses goodbye over the phone, the weight of his arm slung over your shoulder, how his expression softens right at the second he falls asleep.

And he jumps a little when he realizes the only trivia topic he'd excel in is Buck.

"I- I don't know," Eddie offers instead. "But I'm sure there's a topic out there."

"Yeah," Ravi laughs, chuckling as he sips his beer. "I'm sure there is."

8th June

Eddie wakes on Monday morning with a throbbing in his head and tears in his eyes.

The throbbing he can definitely explain. Trivia night had gone on a little too long and a little too well, lubricated by the copious amounts of alcohol they'd all been downing. He remembers flashes of calling an Uber, looking at the driver apologetically as he desperately fought not to hurl, and stumbling back into his room at three in the morning. Eddie turns to look at the clock now. It's close to eleven, and he has to pick Chris up from his sleepover in a couple hours.

The tears are a different story. Eddie's confused, at first, because he's not sure where they're from, but his dream from the night before comes back in bits and pieces.

He had dreamt of the 118, years from now, at a barbecue in Chim and Maddie's backyard. Their kids adults. Chris a young man with a fulfilling career, a girlfriend of his own hanging on his arm. He saw Hen and Karen, older, Karen's hair still dyed a gorgeous brown to hide her graying hair, and Denny and Mara, now adults, chatting with them on the patio. Jee and Nash were helping Chim at the grill, offering up burgers to their mom and the rest of their family. Athena in the corner, finally retired, looking over her two children with pride. Ravi with his hand in May's still staring at her with the same eyes of adoration.

But then he had turned to look at Buck. And Buck was faced away from him, looking over at someone else. The someone else was obscured in an odd, dream-like way. Where Eddie knew there was somebody there, but he couldn't quite make out what they looked like, who they were, or even their gender. But he somehow knew that Buck was in love with them.

And he looked down at himself. He was all holes. Bullet wounds in both shoulders, wrist and thigh. Stab wound in the gut. Holes that had healed and scabbed over now reopened and gaping. And most obvious of all, the hole in his heart, perfectly shaped around the mortal form of one Evan Buckley. He felt like a free radical, unmoored and bouncing around. Like the sides of his puzzle piece no longer made sense, no longer had a matching piece.

Logically, Eddie knew that someday, Buck would move on. Buck would find somebody else to love in the way he always does, whole-heartedly and unconditionally, like a gushing river without a dam. But the reminder suddenly struck something inside him. Green, hot, stinging like tears held back.

And then Eddie had woken with tears in his eyes.

He pushes the thoughts aside, hurriedly wipes his tears, and shakily inhales. And he contemplates whether the jealousy that twists his insides is worth a box of its own in his mind. Or whether it's the first box he's going to have to open. He fears, a little, what will come tumbling out when he does.

Instead, he chooses to text Buck.

Oh my god. My head.

And he doesn't miss how every part of him feels like it's soaring when the reply comes not a minute later.

same. haven't been that drunk since the bachelor's party lol

want breakfast? I can grab something and come over.

He doesn't have the time, energy, or current wherewithal to open boxes in his head right now. So he just lets himself smile, giddily burying his head into his pillow, and replies.

God yes. Orange juice too, please!

9th June

The 118 is responding to another minor accident. The kind of accident that could really only happen in June, Eddie thinks, as they enter the house. There are four people in various sates of distress in the house, and almost every inch of the house is covered in an inexplicable amount of glitter.

A man, mid-twenties, who seems the least affected, sits on a couch. He's clutching his hand, which seems to have a slight burn on it. He winces as the 118 enter, looking to Chim's captain helmet.

"It was… a glitter bomb accident."

They had been rigging a contraption to shoot glitter for a Pride event later that night, when something malfunctioned, exploded, and started spewing glitter everywhere. A not insignificant amount of that glitter had been shot straight into some of their eyes, and there had been some tripping over furniture in the resulting chaos.

Chim starts instructing the team to prep some water to help flush the glitter out of their eyes, and Hen and Eddie get to work bandaging wounds and checking for concussions. Eddie is in the corner, helping the man with the burn on his hand, who introduces himself as Devin.

"I feel so stupid. I did all of this to impress a boy, and now my roommates are gonna hate me forever."

Eddie laughs, cleaning the burn across Devin's palm. "They're not going to hate you. In fact, I'm sure you and this boy will have a good laugh about this story once we check you guys out at the hospital and find that you and your roommates are all fine."

Devin groans. "He's gonna hate me too. I promised I'd bring the glitter bomb for his show tonight. Now he's gonna be down a glitter bomb and probably four audience members. I shouldn't have offered to make it, I knew I was gonna fuck it up."

Eddie rests his hand on Devin's shoulder. "Look, we've all done crazier things for love, okay?" Vaguely, he remembers spraining his ankle trying to do a cool dance move at age eleven, checking over his shoulder to make sure Jake was watching, hoping Jake would think he was cool.

Even more vaguely, he remembers Buck running at him during a basketball game. Trying to be seen. And breaking his ankle in the process. He looks over at Buck, who's helping to bandage a scrape on a woman's arm gently, and warmth starts in his ankle, works its way up to his chest, till it's bubbling out from him in a smile.

Devin looks at Eddie, follows his eye line, and peers over at Buck. "Yeah? Something between the two of you?"

Eddie shoves the thought away, maybe without the same force as he used to, just a soft nudge to push it out of the forefront of his mind. "N-no, nothing like that. That's my best friend."

Buck finishes his bandaging then, and looks up, his blue eyes scanning the room before locking onto Eddie. He smiles and starts walking over.

Later, Eddie thinks that maybe Buck shouldn't have locked his eyes so firmly in place, because before he can react, Buck has walked straight into a hanging shelf, stumbling a little at the sudden force at which he had collided with it.

"Oh my god! Sorry! This house was definitely not designed for anybody over 5'11!" Devin yells over, apologetic.

"No, totally my bad! I wasn't looking at where I was walking!" Buck calls over, rubbing the spot just above his cheek which had taken the brunt of the impact. He knows it'll leave a bruise, but it doesn't hurt too much. Eddie can't help that a small laugh escapes his lips, and before they know it, he, Buck, and Devin are giggling at Buck's clumsiness.

Eddie insists on checking on Buck's bruised face when they're back at the firehouse, to many of Buck's protests. He hands Buck an ice pack and watches as Buck carefully presses it against his face. They're sitting in the bay of the firehouse, Buck is smiling at Eddie, and Eddie looks up to admire the colors of the firehouse, adorned for Pride.

The realization goes something like this, as Eddie sits under a flapping rainbow pride flag in the bay of the firehouse and studies its colors.

Red, like his cheeks when Buck smiles at him.

Orange, like the juice he wishes he'd started drinking years ago.

Yellow, like the color of Shannon's dress the day she died.

Green, like the jealousy that strangles him when he thinks about losing Buck.

Blue, like the color of the most beautiful eyes he knows.

Violet, like the bruise blooming on Buck's left cheekbone. Right where Eddie wants to place his lips.

And Eddie thinks, for the first time, that maybe he feels something approaching pride, or something adjacent to it at least, for himself.

10th June

"Hypothetically," Eddie tries.

"Uh oh. That's never a good start to a conversation," Hen laughs. They're sitting at her dining table while Chris and Denny in the bedroom playing Marvel Rivals on the PS5.

"I haven't even said anything!" Eddie sputters. "Anyway, hypothetically, if I knew someone who was figuring out their sexuality. They're older, thirties. What advice would you give them?"

Hen fully stares at Eddie then. She tries not to gape too much, makes an attempt at nonchalantly drinking from the mug in her hand. "Eddie, you know you have a best friend who just had some revelations about his sexuality in his thirties, right? You haven't tried asking him?"

Eddie runs his fingers through his hair. Hen notices how much looser he's been wearing it recently, notices alongside it how much looser Eddie has been, like he's lost the gel together with some of the glue that had wound himself tight.

"This feels kinda different. For Buck, he's told me that he just hadn't noticed. He's always liked women, just didn't realize he liked men too. It didn't change anything in all those past relationships, just added something new to how he understood himself. For… for this person… I- They think they might just be gay."

"And… that feels like it fundamentally changes everything about all their relationships?" Hen reaches out to put a hand over Eddie's, and Eddie has to bite back the urge to flinch from her touch.

He knows he's fooling nobody with this stupid hypothetical, and both he and Hen know exactly who he's talking about. But like the little compartments in his mind that he can't look too closely at, he can't let her look straight at him and see this. Instead, he sets up mirrors, convoluted pipelines, a whole Rube Goldberg Machine that lets him be vulnerable without feeling like throwing up.

Hen signs, her expression softening as she looks Eddie in the eyes. "Look, I'd tell them that there's no timeline for this. For figuring themselves out. And that doesn't mean that past relationships didn't matter, or were lies, they could still have been love, just a different sort."

Eddie nods, looking almost like he wants to cry. He bites the inside of his cheek to keep the tears at bay, they're always pricking at his eyes, stinging hard, blurring Hen's features in front of him. "They… they just have a lot of hang ups too, you know. Religious upbringing. Parents who'd never say anything homophobic, but would make snide comments, give that look. Who'd preach about what it means to be a man and school any weakness out of their son."

Hen closes the distance between them quickly, tightening her arms around Eddie in a hug. "Hey, like I said, there's no timeline here. But I think this person… is already doing a great job. They've already come so far." She stands back up, her hands still holding on the Eddie's shoulders. "And if you need more advice for them, I'm always ready to talk. Or listen."

Eddie wipes away the tears that are now freely flowing from his eyes. "T-thanks, Hen." He tries to smooth out his hair once again, tries to cough to even out his voice. "I… should take Chris home now. Give my thanks to Karen too for watching him."

"Anytime, Eddie. Seriously." Hen says, making it clear she isn't just talking about babysitting. Eddie takes Hen's hand in his and gives it a light squeeze.

"And Eddie," Hen whispers as he and Chris are slipping out the door. "Happy Pride."

11th June

"Eddie," Father Brian's tone is even, betraying neither surprise nor nonchalance. "I didn't expect to see you again so soon." He sits in the pew next to Eddie, who's sitting in silent contemplation, eyes fixed on the confession booth in the corner of the chapel.

"I'm deciding," Eddie admits. "Whether I should go into that confession booth. Actually, whether I even have something to confess about."

Because Eddie is finally, finally opening boxes, taking a good hard look at himself. And it scares him what he sees, because he's known it all his life, and he's chosen not to think about it. And the colors from the boxes he'd locked away in his mind had come spewing out, into a tapestry of paints across him.

How his heart had leapt every time he looked at Jake. How he cried himself to sleep because he knew his parents would be so disappointed. How he had tried, God knows how hard he tried, to make his own heart leap at Shannon. And how he had settled for the path of least resistance, something easy that wouldn't hurt his bruised heart any more. Until that too shattered into sharp edges.

He remembers how the first time he saw his parents proud of him since quitting ballroom was the night he quietly admitted he was dating Shannon. And he hates them for it. For only being proud of him when he's ashamed of himself. For convincing him that a God who saw everything inside him, who Eddie didn't even know if he believed in, would never be proud of him.

"Well, if you're willing to share. Maybe I can help convince you either way," Father Brian encourages, snapping Eddie briefly out of his spiral.

"I drank the juice."

"Well. You know juice isn't a sin, Eddie."

Eddie actually laughs at that. "You knew it was a metaphor."

Father Brian nods silently, his eyes quietly appraising Eddie, his mouth pressed into a small smile.

"I just… I finally looked at my life. And I think I've always known. And I think I've been in love with someone for the last 8 years and I've been too afraid to label it. And I know what my parents, my old church in El Paso, my old pastor would say about me loving him." His voice cracks slightly at the pronoun, at the admission to himself and to the higher power who lords over this sacred ground. "And I want it not to matter, because I know it's not wrong. And I hate that it kind of still matters to me."

"That's understandable," Father Brian assures. "But I hope you know that your parents, any church, any old pastor, they're not God. And I know it's important for you to reconcile your faith and your culture with who you are, but you don't have to worry about God. Because the God I know wants you to have joy. To have love. To feel loved."

Eddie closes his eyes, imagines himself loving Buck without shame, without fear. And it feels right. Almost holy.

"If you want my opinion, you don't need the confession booth. Not for this." Father Brian rests his hand on Eddie's shoulder. Eddie nods, moving to stand up. He glances at his watch, sees that it's almost 6, and he quietly grins to himself. Buck had promised to come over at 6:30 with dinner. Suddenly, he can't imagine being anywhere else but home.

Eddie heads home and knows that he has nothing to confess to, doesn't require absolution, has never needed to repent. Knows that a God who preaches love would be proud.

12th June

They're on shift again, and responding to a car accident just barely worse than a fender bender. Eddie's helping to check out one of the drivers, a stunned woman who might have some whiplash, and minor cuts across her face. He checks her pupillary response, finds them equal and reactive, and reports to her, "Well, you don't seem to have a concussion."

She blinks, scanning Eddie's face. For a second, Eddie worries that he had misdiagnosed her, given how dazed she looks. He studies her face carefully again.

"Um. I'm Donna, by the way," she smiles. Eddie immediately knows where this is headed. "Just… you're really handsome."

Eddie chuckles through a closed-mouth smile. "Donna, I'm sure you're just saying that because I'm a firefighter here to save you."

"No way! It's the truth," she says, looking at Eddie in the eye now. "Sorry if I'm being super presumptuous, but if you're single maybe I could get your number? Actually see you outside of you being a hot firefighter saving my life?"

Eddie bites his lower lip, looks to the ground in contemplation. Then, he looks over his shoulder, sees that the rest of the 118 are busy with the other car, which looks much worse for wear, definitely not within earshot. He looks back at Jenna with a smile.

"Ah, sorry, I'm flattered, but also gay." It surprises Eddie a little, how easily the words fall out of his mouth when it's to somebody he doesn't know. Somebody that doesn't really matter.

"O-oh, my bad! Sorry!"

"Nah, don't worry about it. Anyway, I'll get some of my friends to help move you to the ambulance and we'll get you to the hospital, alright?" He winks at her, suddenly so much more at ease in his skin, and calls for Ravi to come help transport his patient.

He stifles his laughter when she instead tries to hit on Ravi, only to be disappointed when Ravi reveals he's taken. He swears that as the ambulance doors close, she mutters something about the hottest ones being gay or unavailable, and shakes his head.

13th June

Eddie's in the hospital. Again. Seems like a bit of a recurring pattern recently, but he counts himself lucky that he likely won't need to stay the night. He had strained his side a little during a rope rescue, and Chim thought it best that he get it checked out, especially to make sure he hasn't aggravated his stab wound. They were an hour out from the end of the shift, so Eddie had agreed to take the free ride to the ER with their patient, asking Buck to help bring his stuff home so he can head straight home from the hospital.

It's a little bit of waiting around, but eventually pretty painless as the doctor checks his side, prescribes him some over the counter painkillers, and tells him to take it easy on his 48 off. He nods, exhaustion already seeping in, when the doctor informs him that a nurse will be by to go through some extra precautions with him before letting him go.

The curtain opens a short while later, and Eddie can't help but grin when May Grant steps through.

"Just the nurse I was hoping for!"

"Nurse in training, actually," May states. She reads Eddie's chart, unimpressed. "You need to stop ending up in the hospital. Four times in six months is kind of alarming, Eddie."

Eddie shrugs. Between being attacked, stabbed and the car accident, this is the mildest injury yet. He knows, however, that fact isn't about to placate May, so he zips his mouth shut.

May tells him about his medication, the recommended frequency, and reminds him to check on his stab wound and come back if there are any complications. Instructions Eddie's heard ad nauseam as a frequent flier on First Presbyterian Air. Before May can turn to leave, though, Eddie stops her.

"Hey, um. If you have a minute, there's something I wanted to talk with you about."

May looks at him, reads the serious look that has suddenly clouded his eyes, and checks her clipboard and watch. "Yeah, I can take my break now. What's up?"

The middle of a busy ER suddenly seems so quiet. Eddie suddenly feels flayed open, his insides spewing out for everyone to see. He breathes, reminds himself nobody is looking at him. Keeps his guts inside his body.

"Wh- when your Dad came out to you. You were fifteen, right?"

"Yeah," May's eyebrow lifts.

"Right. Same age as Chris now. Do you mind… telling me what you were thinking? What questions you had?" Eddie's voice shakes slightly, but his gaze remains resolute.

"Oh, Eddie," May places her clipboard down quickly, reaching over to hug Eddie gently, gingerly avoiding his right side. "Thanks for trusting me enough to ask me this," she whispers to him. Eddie nods into her hug.

She lets him go and looks pensive. "I remember… I didn't react the best at first. I was confused and angry. I was worried my parents were breaking our family apart. And I had… a lot of other things going on in my life then. It wasn't just a reaction to this. I didn't want my family to also fall apart when the rest of my life was too."

Eddie nods. He's heard about May's past, and he knows it wasn't because of Michael. "But it's all good now, right? What changed?" Eddie asks, his eyeline pointed straight at the white linoleum floor.

"I saw how happy he became," May says, her hand squeezing the side of Eddie's arm. "He's my dad and I love him. I just want him to be happy. And when I see him with David, he makes me proud."

Eddie tears his eyes away from the ground and to May's brown eyes. "Yeah… I hope I make Chris proud too."

"I think you already do, Eddie. That kid loves you."

Before Eddie can respond, the elevator doors open, and all six feet and two inches of his best friend come barrelling out.

"Speaking of people who love you," May laughs, waving Buck over.

"Buck! I thought I told you to bring my stuff home," Eddie sighs, fondness dripping from each word.

"I did! Chim took us off fifteen minutes early so I swung by your place, dropped everything off, then came here to give you a lift. You don't have your car, don't tell me you were thinking of Ubering home!"

"Right, thanks, Buck," Eddie's smile widens.

"I gotta get back to work. See you guys at the barbecue next week?" May picks up her clipboard and motions to leave.

"Thanks, May. For everything," Eddie says. Buck tilts his head slightly, turns to look at him, purses his lips a little.

"Everything okay, Eddie?" Buck leans in to whisper, locking in on Eddie's slightly red-rimmed eyes from when he had fought not to sob in front of May.

"Yeah, everything's good. Let's go home."

14th June

"Hey bud, it's 10pm and there's school tomorrow, so finish up this last round and go to bed, okay?" Eddie knocks on Chris' room door. Chris looks up and removes his headset.

"Just finished on a win," he grins at his Dad, closing out of his game and powering down his computer. He suddenly notices the conflict on Eddie's face, like he can't quite decide whether he wants to come in or turn around and bolt. "Uh… Dad? Did you want to talk to me or something?"

Eddie huffs. "Yeah. Yeah I did."

He crosses the width of Chris' room in three quick steps and sits on the bed, turning so that he's looking Chris in the eye.

"I need to tell you something. And it's nothing bad, I promise, but I don't want to freak you out. And I know you may have questions, and I'm happy to answer them once I'm done talking, okay?"

Chris nods, confusion twisting at his features.

"Okay. I want you to know that… I loved your mother. She was my best friend. And she made you with me, you were born out of so much love, and I'll always love her for that. But years before I even met your mom, I had a crush on this boy, and I wondered for years after why it never felt like that with your mom. It never felt like all those big emotions people sing about. It was more like I was hanging out with my best friend. And I finally realized that… I was never in love with her. I was never in love with any of the women I dated." Eddie breathes, inhaling courage. "Because I'm gay."

Chris is silent for a moment, and Eddie's mind races, trying to discern whether he's shocked, confused, or simply contemplating. He blinks up at Eddie, giving a disarming smile. A smile that looks so learned from Buck that Eddie's heart stutters for a second.

"I think… I kinda guessed, Dad. You kind of suck at dating women. I know that Mom was… complicated. But with Ana and Marisol, I didn't even think you really liked them," he almost laughs.

"I really tried. I thought you did, so I tried."

"I don't want you to try to love someone, Dad. I want you to just love someone who you actually love."

Eddie embraces Chris. There's been lots of hugging going around recently, he muses to himself. "When did you get so wise, mijo?"Chris lets his face get buried in Eddie's hug.

"I'm proud of you, Dad." He whispers, and the dam in Eddie breaks. He sobs into Chris' shoulder silently.

"Dad? I still have a question," Chris breaks the silence after a while. Eddie quickly composes himself, looks up at his son and nods.

"Yeah, of course."

"Is it Buck? The person you love?"

Eddie's hands turn to jelly. He doesn't quite understand why this admission feels so much more daunting, so much more final. Like it actually changes something.

"Y-Yeah. I think it is." Eddie's voice is so minuscule, unbelievably tiny in his throat. "I don't… I'm not ready to do something about that just yet. But when I do… would it… would that be okay?"

Chris has the audacity to roll his eyes at that. "Of course, Dad," he huffs. Then, he tears his eyes from his dad, looking down, almost too afraid to be perceived as he bares his heart with his next confession. "He's part of this family. I don't understand why you kept trying to force fit someone new into this family. I don't need another mom, I had Mom. And you. And Buck." Chris adds in an exhale. He hes no idea that those words had been the only form of absolution Eddie has ever sought.

Relief floods Eddie as tension drains from him. He looks at his son sitting in front of him, who knew the exact words to say, who's grown into a young man with such compassion, who doesn't fear vulnerability but wears it as armor. He sees his son, who he held in his hands as a scared nineteen-year-old, and he swells with pride. Not just for his son, but for the man that raised such an exemplary human.

15th June

"Hey," Eddie's breath catches as he closes his front door behind him.

"Hey yourself," Buck replies, his face just inches from Eddie's. "Just in time. I was about to let myself in."

Eddie glances at his watch. "Told you I'd be out by six thirty. You just got impatient."

"Eddie, this place is like… Super fancy. I don't want to be late and miss our reservation!"

They're finally cashing in on the prize from trivia night, and Eddie already feels drunk off of the fresh evening air outside his house. Buck looks beautiful, his curls fresh from the shower, his black button up tucked into brown slacks, his eyes bright, glistening, drawing Eddie in. Eddie smiles, warmth rushing to his cheeks.

"You look good," he says, after a breathless moment spent appraising Buck.

"You don't look too bad yourself," Buck laughs, the sincere complement easily tumbling out of his lips, like all other words of affirmation often freely and generously given. Eddie looks at his own outfit, winces slightly at the fact that he had desperately begged Chris for fashion advice not one hour ago. An hour of teenage eye rolls, exasperated sighs, and hiding of hair gel later, and Eddie is in a nice burgundy shirt, unbuttoned one button lower than he'd like at Chris' insistence, and his favorite cream pants. His wavy hair sits (mostly) ungelled, his hair flopping over his forehead in a way Chris had described as "very chic".

The night is easy, practiced, Buck and Eddie falling into being BuckAndEddie the way they're wired to. They're singing along to the radio in Buck's jeep despite not knowing the words, discussing the latest PTA drama at Chris' school, laughing about how Harry and Ravi had tried to cheat to beat their record on the pinball machine last week and still didn't even come close. It feels as close to the promise of heaven as Eddie could have imagined, both as a child in El Paso and as an adult in Los Angeles.

Buck had been right, as usual, the steak is amazing. In between bites, Buck is dropping fun facts about cows. Eddie is buzzing, happy to listen to another of Buck's info dumps.

"Wait," Eddie says, swallowing the bite in his mouth. "I thought they had four stomachs. Or is that a myth?"

"Oh, no! They have one stomach, but it has four distinct chambers, hence the misconception. Each chamber actually has a different role to play. The whole digestive system of a cow is super cool, like did you know that over the course of multiple days, cows are actually chewing, then spitting their food back up as cud, then re-chewing and re-swallowing? The whole process is called rumination," Buck happily supplies.

Eddie bites back a laugh. "Heh. I do that a lot."

Buck frowns. "Spitting your food back up and swallowing it again?"

A full-bellied laugh escapes from Eddie at that. "No," He looks at Buck contemplatively. "Ruminate. On… thoughts. Not grass. Or cud."

"Yeah? What've you been ruminating about recently?"

"My childhood, I think, mostly. It's been kind of at the forefront of my mind recently, with the whole running into Jake and ballroom dancing thing. I think I've just been going over in my mind how my parents wanted to me to be a really specific kind of person. A specific kind of man. Someone who wouldn't disappoint them, who would make the right decisions, who wouldn't make neighbors talk. And I really tried, for years I tried so hard to be the kind of strong, stoic, masculine person that they raised me to be. But I don't think they were ever proud of me, and the person I became," Eddie admits. "When I picture them, I can only really see their look of disappointment. The same one they would give me when I made a mistake in ballroom, or when I told them Shannon had left for LA, or when Chris called them to bring him to El Paso after Kim."

"Eddie," Buck reaches over to grab Eddie's hand, snapping him out of his spiral. "Eddie! You've been going through all this alone?" Buck's eyes are big, desperately trying to read Eddie's face. Eddie studies his face right back, sees worry working its way into Buck's eyebrows, his teeth working at his lower lip, feels the grounding pressure from Buck's warm grip on his hand.

"No, I've been talking to people, I promise," Eddie says weakly. "A lot of people actually. Ran into that priest that gave me some advice back when Chris was gone. Met up with Jake again. Talked to Hen, even May."

There was a time, Eddie thinks, when this would inspire some jealousy in Buck. That he was confiding in people other than his best friend, that Buck hadn't been his first port of call. But when he looks into those blue eyes now, he doesn't read any anger or fear or doubt. He sees the blue waters leading him back to shore.

"Tell me all about it now?" Buck offers, his tone gentle. And Eddie smiles.

And he does tell him, under soft ambient lighting, next to walls lined with flags representing every orientation, backed by an oddly soothing acoustic rendition of Pink Pony Club. Eddie tells him about why he quit ballroom, why he ran from his friendship with Jake, how he ran into Shannon's arms and found something resembling pride from his parents and how he's been chasing the high ever since.

"I think… I think everybody back in El Paso, my parents, our church, was never going to be proud of me," Eddie says, and the admission no longer stings the way it did just days ago. "But I think that's okay. Because I'm kinda proud of me."

Buck smiles back. It's one of the most blindingly beautiful things Eddie's ever seen.

"I'm gay," Eddie finally declares, and the joy that bursts from Buck's face makes Eddie's heart go crazy.

"Eddie!" Buck looks almost breathless. "Thank you for telling me. And I hope you already know this, but I'll keep saying it every day till you remember. I am so, so proud of you."

And that, Eddie thinks, is more than enough for him.

When Buck drops Eddie off back on South Bedford, he runs out of the jeep, and crashes into Eddie, clinging to him in the tightest hug he can manage. As he always does, Eddie closes his eyes and sinks into Buck, letting himself dissolve into BuckAndEddie for just a moment longer, inhaling him, savoring how Buck's cheek feels against his own.

"There's been a lot of hugging going around recently," Eddie mumbles into Buck's shoulder.

"Oh yeah? Bet none of them were as long as this one," Buck laughs, refusing to let Eddie go.

"Ah, there's my jealous best friend. I was wondering where you'd gone."

"Hmph," Buck breathes, indignant, though his smile remains evident in his tone. They stay locked in embrace for long enough that when they part, Eddie mourns the warmth of Buck's body against his.

Before bed, Eddie closes his eyes and thinks about Buck, willing his subconscious to cast Buck in his dreams tonight, so the joy he feels doesn't have to fade as he drifts off. His phone buzzes on his nightstand, and he flips it over as he's laying down. He doesn't wonder who the messages are from - there's only one person who texts him every night before bed, anyway.

thanks for coming with me tonight! I had lots of fun!

and so you don't forget, I'm really proud of you :)

16th June

They're in the engine, driving back from a call, when Harry points out the window and marvels.

"No way! That's a double rainbow!"

All heads turn in the direction of Harry's gaze, and sure enough, there's a gorgeous rainbow painting the baby blue afternoon sky, and above it, in slightly faded colors, a second rainbow glistening.

"Wow! For Pride too! Mother Nature is an ally," Ravi laughs.

"Ally? Please, Ravs, Mother Nature is queer as hell," Hen chimes in, to nods and agreement from the rest of the engine.

Eddie is sitting in his usual spot to Buck's right, and if their knees press together closer today than usual, he doesn't complain. He looks at their hands, resting against each other, tattoo bands on their arms perfectly lined up into a single taut line. Buck steals a glance over at Eddie, places his hand on Eddie's knee, and gives him the smallest squeeze. It takes everything in Eddie not to melt into a puddle right there in the truck.

"How does that even happen?" Harry asks, still mesmerized by the natural phenomenon.

"Well!" Buck immediately pipes up. Chim and Hen both shake their heads, feigning exasperation at another of Buck's encyclopedic rants, but there's no malice, only playful teasing in their expressions. "It happens when light is reflected twice! If you look closely, the second rainbow, that's the one that looks more faint, has it's colors reversed! That's because it's a reflection from the first…" He continues at breakneck pace.

Eddie's whole attention is on Buck now. He sees the spark in Buck's eyes when he's excited, memorizes the way his mouth curls into a smile as he's quickly delivering an explanation faster than any human should be able to speak, fantasizes about how it would feel to hold Buck in his arms and never let go.

He looks at Buck, and Buck is every color of the rainbow, exploding into a million gorgeous hues, reflecting endlessly across Eddie's life.

Buck has finished his lesson on double rainbows, and Harry looks rapt, nodding and turning to try to study the rainbow now with greater scrutiny. Buck settles more comfortably in his seat and turns to look at Eddie, their eyes meeting.

"You look happy," Buck hums.

"Do I?" Eddie asks, his smile widening.

"Yeah. You look a lot happier recently," Buck responds, eyes crinkling with a smile on his face that mirrors Eddie's. "It suits you."

Eddie lets his shoulder bump into Buck's as the truck shudders over a stretch of bumpy road. "I'm always happier when I'm here where I belong."

"And where's that?"

Eddie feels brave, suddenly. "Next to you."

Buck's breath catches, and Eddie swears he hears Buck stifling an almost giddy giggle. Their knees knock together, shoulders brush, eyes focus in on each other. Almost like there's a sort of high-frequency hum in the air, imperceptible to anyone but Buck and Eddie, but it's electric.

"Okay, I'm gonna remind you this is an open channel, guys," Chim suddenly calls from the Captain's seat, and the moment passes. The 118 falls back into friendly chatter, happy to chalk the conversation up to typical BuckAndEddie.

Eddie laughs, shrugs at Buck, and grins. "What? I was just stating a fact!"

Buck actually giggles this time.

17th June

Eddie's phone is buzzing at 7am in the morning, which wakes him up and leaves him very confused. Pretty much all of his friends are coming off the same shift, and likely blissfully in bed, as he wants to be, so he can't imagine who's texting him. Nevertheless, he rolls over and clicks his phone screen on. He's surprised to see twelve messages (and counting) in a group chat that doesn't usually see much action.

Diaz Siblings

Adriana: okay, don't freak out

Sophia: wtf Adri you can't lead with that??? he's gonna look at his phone and freak out???

Adriana: ok but I just told him not to!

Adriana: anyway. we have news.

Sophia: and before you say anything it was NOT our idea

Adriana: and also we are your bestest loveliest sisters and are only informing you out of the goodness of our hearts <3

Sophia: you know how your birthday is next week?

Adriana: happy birthday btw! how old are you turning, 45???

Sophia: Adri!

Adriana: WHAT idk man he's ancient! he still writes on my facebook wall for my birthday every year?

Sophia: anyway that is so not the point. the point is…

Adriana: we were talking about your birthday over family dinner last night(which i DID NOT attend of my own free will fyi soph threatened me)

Sophia: and mom and dad said it would be nice to surprise you for your birthday by visiting you in LA

Adriana: we DID tell them it would not be a nice surprise for you

Adriana: especially since the last time they showed up unannounced they kind of kidnapped your son for a couple months

Adriana: but they said that was "nonsense" and that you'd be happy to see them

Sophia: the good news is that they actually have a Hawaii trip planned so they're just gonna be doing a 2 day stop in LA.

Sophia: and the trip covers your actual birthday lol so they'll be in LA on the 22nd instead.

Adriana: we would be there but we're not retired like them and have gainful employment to get back to sorry

Eddie groans, checking the date on his phone. Five days till his parents show up unceremoniously at his doorstep. He blearily rubs the sleep from his eyes, rereading the texts to make sure he hasn't missed anything.

Eddie: Hey, thanks for the heads up.

Eddie: Can't say this is the best news to wake up to, but I appreciate the warning!

Adriana: SOPH HE LITERALLY USES PROPER CAPITALIZATION AND PUNCTUATION IN TEXTS are you actually 50???

Eddie: ??? Pretty sure the capitalization is automatic.

Adriana: not turning it off is a choice

Sophia: what Adri means to say is… how are you? we haven't talked in ages it feels like!!

Eddie: Honestly, I'm doing really good!

Eddie: I recently ran into Jake Montoya on a call. Y'all remember him?

Eddie: He was my friend from ballroom.

Eddie: Maybe Adri was a little too young, but Soph I think you met him before.

Adriana: not ringing any bells

Sophia: oh yeah! wasn't he like your best friend

Sophia: lol Adri, Jake was like Eddie's original homoerotic situationship

Adriana: wow the og buck blueprint???

Eddie probably shouldn't be laughing, but he's delirious at the implication. His sisters have joked about his friendship with Buck before, and it's always been funny, innocent. And Eddie gets it, he really does, because he's known for years how much of a presence Buck has grown to take up in his life, and maybe friendship has never really been a word that fully encompasses everything that they are, even when Eddie was too afraid to pull at that thread. But now, with his eyes open, his sisters comparing his first crush to his best friend, love of his life, owner of his whole heart (he notes, 'crush' feels wholly inadequate to describe the way he and Buck coexist), he feels limitless courage as he crafts his reply.

Eddie: Very funny.

Eddie: Hm, but was it that obvious?

Eddie: My crush on Jake, I mean.

Eddie: I think I'm kind of embarrassingly obvious about Buck lol

There's silence in the chat for a while. He can see that his sisters are typing. Then, the typing stops momentarily, and starts back up again. He's oddly serene about their response, like he already knows they'll still love him anyway. He believes with all his soul in the two girls who were his first two babies, who he had given all his joy and sadness and love to for safekeeping when his parents told him to lock those emotions away. His phone is buzzing again.

Adriana: EDDIE WHAT

Sophia: EDDIE

Adriana: YOU AND BUCK???

Sophia: YOU HAD A CRUSH ON JAKE???

Adriana: EDDIE DON'T LEAVE US ON READ!!! YOU CAN'T DROP THIS INFORMATION AND LEAVE???

Eddie: haha yeah

Eddie: I'm gay!

Eddie: And kind of stupidly in love with Buck but I haven't done anything on that front yet.

Sophia: Eddie!!! thank you for sharing that with us

Adriana: we love you so much eddie!!!

Adriana: i'm so proud of my gay big brother ;-;

Sophia: i know it must have been hard for you to come to terms with, especially with the way mom and dad are

Adriana: OH MY GOD WAIT NO

Adriana: MOM AND DAD ARE GOING TO VISIT EDDIE

Adriana: IS IT GONNA SUCK SO MUCH MORE NOW FOR YOU EDDIE???

Adriana: i swear say the word and I will fake a medical emergency so they have to stay in el paso and not bother you with their shitty views from the stone age

Sophia: yeah, Eddie, if there's any interference you need us to run we will. if you're not ready to see them or anything.

Eddie: No, it's fine.

Eddie: I mean, I don't even think I was planning to come out to them or anything anytime soon.

Eddie: I can definitely survive a day or two. Thanks girls.

Sophia: anytime, Eddie <3

Adriana: ok but now can we zoom into the fact that eddie said he hasn't done anything about buck "YET"???

Adriana: YET???

Eddie smiles despite himself. He checks the time, and it's barely 20 minutes past 7. He locks his phone and places it back on his nightstand, rolling back onto his back and promptly dozing back off. And if his phone continues to buzz with messages from his sisters, he's too peacefully asleep to worry about it right now.

18th June

Eddie knows before the engine is parked that this won't be an easy call. Well, it's certainly not technically difficult in any way other than with the people. From his spot in the engine, he can see that they've arrived at an anti-Pride protest, a smattering of people with scowls almost permanently etched onto their faces, holding up crude signs spewing hate. It eats at him in a new way, though not an unfamiliar manner.

The team dismounts to see a small gathering near the sidewalk, where an older lady sits, holding her head, a fresh wound on it with some blood running down her cheek. Chim assesses the situation, sends Ravi and Harry to do some crowd control, and directs Hen over to the patient.

"Hi ma'am, my name is Hen, I'm a paramedic. Let me take a look at that wound there." Hen speaks, professional and betraying none of her immense disdain.

The lady appraises Hen, and her eyes narrow. She swats Hen's hands away, scoffing. "You're one of them, aren't you?"

"One of them?" Hen sighs.

"One of them queers. Gays." The lady spits. "It's shameful, I think, that our public service hires people like you, sinners and debauchers."

Hen is unfazed by the insults, exhaling slowly to keep her voice even as she says, "Ma'am, I'm just trying to help. It looks like your head wound is still bleeding, and if you don't let me help, your condition might deteriorate very quickly."

"Are you threatening me? Stay away! Don't you dare touch me!" Her voice suddenly adopts a desperate tinge. "You're unclean! I don't want any of your filthy kind touching me!"

Hen rolls her eyes. Suddenly gripped with concern, glances over to check on Eddie, who is trying with all his might to fix his gaze on a piece of gravel on the ground, pretending for his own sanity that he doesn't hear the drivel spewing from the lady's mouth.

"Cap!" Hen finally calls to Chimney. "This lady is refusing care from me."

Chim runs over with Buck following quickly behind.

"What's the problem here?" He barks at the lady.

"Captain," the lady's voice loses some of its edge. "I'm simply asking not to be treated by a filthy homosexual. You have so many more firefighters, surely a normal one can treat me? This handsome young man here, for instance." She's looking straight at Buck, oblivious to the way he's trying to stab her with his glare.

Buck scoffs. "No, I'm not a paramedic. Hen is one of the best paramedics I know, she went to medical school for god's sake, and what? You're refusing care just because of who she is? You'd rather die than let her help you?" His voice takes on a meaner edge. "Besides, I'm bisexual. Don't think you want my filthy gay hands all over you either?"

Buck takes a threatening step toward her, seemingly growing taller. Chim nearly has to pull him back by the collar to deescalate.

The lady's voice rises two pitches, almost manic now. "What kind of hellhole are you running in that firehouse? It's shameful! Disgusting! Have you no respect? Man shall not lay with man, it's sin! Delusion!" Her blood pressure rises and her head wound seems to be gushing more blood now, but she continues to wave off Hen's advancements. "Get away from me, Satan!"

Buck grumbles and looks away, noticing suddenly Eddie standing off to the side. His eyes are glassy and his gaze still trained at the floor, his breathing uneven and shallow. Buck steps over so that he's pressed against Eddie's side, and Eddie seems to come back into himself slightly at the grounding touch. He purses his lips, finally turning his gaze to Buck, just in time to hear Hen and Chim's discussion.

"Cap, I really don't like how that wound's looking. If we don't stop the bleeding soon, we're gonna have bigger problems."

"Okay, fine. Hen, I don't like this, but you need to step aside. Eddie, take over." He gestures over to Eddie, who snaps to attention, and Buck gives him an encouraging pat on the shoulder before letting him run over.

Eddie looks at the woman. He feels like he's staring damnation in the eye. He feels the weight of judgment that the preacher used to pile on his shoulders as a child, sitting in the pews in the stifling humidity of a church in El Paso, being told that his very existence was wrong. His parents nodding alone, each nod adding another chain to his shackles, till he could no longer move, no longer speak, no longer breathe. He sees the woman spit at Hen's feet, and feels like the wad lands on his face instead, like he's nothing more than gravel beneath her feet.

And suddenly, it burns at his chest, and he feels like he can't take it lying down anymore.

"Happy to, Cap," Eddie smoothly responds to Chim, looking over to the woman, disdain plain on his face for her to see. "In the interest of full disclosure, though, I do think I need to inform you and our patient here that I'm gay."

The screech that erupts from the lady's mouth echoes. She's spewing every slur, every hateful rhetoric in the playbook, shaking with agitation. Until, with a shudder, her eyes roll up and she falls unconscious. Hen and Eddie quickly rush into action, easily stemming the bleeding now that she's not awake to protest. With detached professionalism, they load her onto a gurney and shut the ambulance doors behind them, letting another colleague drive her to the hospital without them (for the patient's health when she does regain consciousness).

Eddie turns to see Chim's mouth still hanging open from his earlier confession, and once the ambulance turns the corner, Eddie feels all six feet of Buck crash into his side, folding him into another hug. Chim recovers quickly, placing a hand on Eddie's shoulder and smiling.

"You didn't just say that to rile her up, did you?"

"No," Eddie replies, slightly dazed and almost breathless. "I said it because it's the truth."

"Proud of you, Diaz," he says, mispronouncing Eddie's last name as he usually does in teasing.

Hen is next to hug Eddie, and she doesn't need to say a word for Eddie to know that she's equally proud of him. Ravi and Harry hurry over as well, beaming at Eddie.

"Heard what you said to that annoying lady, that was really cool," Harry admits, slightly bashful at his attempt at vulnerability.

"Fuck that lady," Ravi chimes in. "We're really happy for you Eddie. Thanks for trusting us with that."

"Yeah, of course," Eddie says, appearing slightly winded from the effort of keeping himself upright after baring his soul so publicly. "You guys are family."

It's a wonder that his ribs don't cave in, because he's suddenly being squeezed by five other firefighters in the tightest group hug he's ever been the epicenter of. But, he silently muses, it's really, really nice, and it makes his heart fill with warmth. He doesn't think of the lady in the back of the departed ambulance again.

19th June

The LA Zoo is covered in multicolored lanterns bearing the shape of different animals, and the sight of it makes Eddie's heart do little somersaults in his chest. Or perhaps what does it is the fact that he's walking with Buck pressed to one side and Chris to his other, and Buck is leaning over, pointing at and identifying different animal lantern shapes.

"Did you know that there are over 1500 species of animals in which scientists have observed homosexual behavior?" He whispers to Eddie, not nearly quiet enough.

"There are over 1500 species of gay animals?" Chris' eyes widen as his ears perk up.

Eddie laughs. "Can't imagine why you were looking that up."

"It's Pride Night! I have to have Pride-themed facts ready!" Buck retorts, smiling at both Eddie and Chris.

"That's cool. What are some examples?" Chris asks absentmindedly, his attention appearing to be focused on the many swirling rainbow lights around the zoo.

"Well, we watched that documentary about penguins the other night, so you know about that already," Buck looks around, spotting a swan-shaped lantern and excitedly pointing to it. "I was just reading the other day about swans too! Did you know that about a quarter of black swan couples are gay couples?"

"Huh. I've never heard that," Eddie turns to face Buck, fascinated by the new factoid, and possibly more fascinated by the grin plastered across Buck's face, or the way the multi-colored lights reflect in Buck's eyes, creating a cacophony of color amidst the beautiful blue. "You know, Hen was right. Mother Nature is queer as he- heck." He quickly amends, for Chris' sake.

"Yeah! And it turns out, gay swan couples have a much higher rate of success with raising their chicks compared to heterosexual couples! That's pretty cool."

Chris rolls his eyes. "We already know that having two dads creates a great kid. I mean, look at me!"

Buck sputters, his eyes widening. Chris, appearing to have no clue what a huge bombshell he's just dropped, is pointing out a giraffe lantern, absentmindedly recounting about how he had read something about gay giraffes too. Eddie watches the sight, sees the stunned hopefulness on Buck's face, the comfortable ease with which Chris had made the declaration, and his breath catches for a moment. And he finds himself in the middle of a ready-made family, but not one that makes his chest tighten and head spin, but one where he can release a calm exhale, and know is home.

"Buck! They're selling popcorn! Can we?" Chris is suddenly tugging at Buck's sleeve, pointing to a popcorn stand.

Buck glances up at Eddie, and Eddie shrugs at him, as if saying You can decide. He's your kid too. Buck's smile widens, and the sight makes Eddie heart grow.

"Uh… yeah. We'll share, okay? It's late and we probably should have too much, or we'll be too full for bed later."

"Yeah, okay. Thanks Buck! Are you sleeping over at ours tonight?"

It's late, and it'll be even later by the time they make it back to South Bedford, and sadness gnaws at Eddie when he thinks about Buck driving home by himself after, lying in his own empty house on a cold bed. He thinks, maybe selfishly, that he wants to keep his family together, just for a few more hours. He thinks, knows, that he wants to keep Buck. He figures that he's never been selfish for so much of his life, and he finally wants to be.

"Hey. Stay tonight." He almost whispers to Buck.

Buck nods. "Yeah. Yeah I'll stay over tonight."

Eddie pretends he isn't selfishly thinking and every night after.

20th June

It's a little like deja vu, Eddie thinks, as he steps into Chim and Maddie's backyard. A whisper of a memory that never existed, his odd dream two weeks ago. A barbecue with the rest of the 118 family, a drink in his hand, the smell of roasting burgers in the air.

But the strange sensation dissipates when he realizes he doesn't feel as unanchored as he did in that dream, because moments after he arrives, once Chris runs off to hang out with Denny, the empty spot next to him is replaced by a 6'2 ball of warmth. And he is whole once more.

"Eddie! I tried a new marinade for the burgers and you gotta try it, it's amazing!" Buck is already pressing a plate with a burger into his hand, watching as Eddie carefully takes a bite.

"It's really good, Buck," Eddie smiles back, genuine.

"Knew it! It's been a hit with everyone so far. Let me finish up burgers for the kids and I'll be with you in a sec," Buck says, bounding back to the grill to finish up the burgers. Eddie doesn't feel untethered this time as he watches Buck leaves his side, just feels the warmth spreading across the yard, knows Buck will come back to him before the day is up.

With that assurance, Eddie turns to chat with others in the party. He sees May and Ravi sitting to the side, and heads over.

"Hey, didn't mean to interrupt," he winks at them both, spying Ravi's hand over May's shoulder.

Ravi laughs, "Well, considering how often I have to interrupt you and Buck at work, I guess I've earned it."

Eddie chooses to file that under 'things that make his heart sing in a way that he'll examine later' and bites back a grin. "Just wanted to thank May," he nods at her. "For that conversation the other day."

May beams, looking over at Chris who's excitedly telling a story with his hands to Denny and Mara at the other end of the yard. "I'm guessing you've told him? How did it go?"

"Good, yeah. Really good. Sometimes I can't believe he's my kid. He's got so much love and wisdom pouring out from him it kind of makes me dizzy," Eddie admits.

"He learned from the best," May says, giving Eddie a pat on the shoulder.

"Wait, May knows already?" Ravi asks suddenly.

"That I'm gay? Yeah, I asked for her advice on how to tell Chris the other day." Eddie answers simply.

"That's awesome, so now I can tell you all about that call!" Ravi smiles at May. "Hen, Buck and Eddie were kind of badass."

Eddie smiles and slides over to where Hen, Karen and Athena are sipping on wine.

"Eddie! You're looking good! Nothing bad happening since the stabbing, I hope?" Athena immediately greets him, pulling him into a quick side hug.

"Woah, the stabbing feels like it was a lifetime ago," Eddie muses, and it's the truth. It feels like a completely different person who was lying in that elevator, bleeding out with unsaid words on his lips and unlived truth in his chest.

Athena laughs. "Don't think the wound in your gut quite agrees with that yet," she eyes Eddie. "But you do look… lighter. Happier. Care to share your secrets? Lord knows I need it after the month I've had, detective work is not for the weak." She takes another long sip from her wine glass.

"Nothing much, just came out of the closet after thirty odd years of repression," Eddie jokes, and laughs when Athena nearly chokes on her drink. Karen nods at Eddie with a knowing look in her eye, and Eddie doesn't think too hard about whether Hen had told her, or she had already guessed, but the warmth in her expression is a comfort either way.

"Wow. Can't say I expected that, but I'm happy for you, Eddie," Athena recovers quickly, patting Eddie on the shoulder. "I know it's difficult and scary. Especially as a father," Eddie reads some deep understanding in Athena's eyes, and immediately knows she speaks from her own experience with Michael. "But it's worth it for your own happiness, and I'm proud of you."

Eddie nods, sheepishly ducking his head, unaccustomed to the affection suddenly being shown to him. There's a beat of companionable silence, before Athena takes a controlled breath, and speaks up again.

"Bobby would have been so proud of you too," She states plainly, like it's an immutable fact. And Eddie nearly sobs right there, but he holds himself together, letting the warmth in his body radiate from his full heart, as he gives Athena a hug.

21st June

Eddie follows Chim into the kitchen, where Maddie is preparing coffee. She looks over he shoulder at Eddie and smiles warmly. "Hey! Can I get you coffee?"

"Sure, I'll take a cup," Eddie responds. "Thanks, by the way, for calling me about Chris' Switch so early. He would've been grumpy if he woke up to find it missing."

It's 9am on a Sunday morning and Eddie is back at Chim and Maddie's home, thanks to Chris accidentally leaving his Switch behind when they left late last night after the barbecue. Chris had been a little too tired an hour past his bedtime to keep track of all his items.

"No worries," Maddie responds, setting a coffee cup in front of Eddie. "So, anything new? I don't think I've spoken to you in ages."

Before Eddie can open his mouth, Chim interrupts. "Hey, do you hear… um… Jee breathing a little loud? I think I should go check on her. Okay, bye Eddie!"

Chim practically sprints out of the kitchen, leaving Eddie confused and blinking slowly.

"Right. I wanted to ask about that too. Did you somehow break my husband?" Maddie laughs into her coffee cup. "He's been skittish like that any time I mention you in the past few days."

Eddie looks confused for a moment before it clicks, and he stifles a laugh. "Oh! Chim!" He says, loud enough to escape the kitchen but hopefully not loud enough to wake the kids.

"Yes?" Comes Chim's shaky response from the bedroom.

"It's not a secret. You could have told Maddie."

"Oh thank god. That was killing me," Chim pops his head back in briefly to comment. "Unfortunately, now Jee is actually awake and I'm gonna see if I can convince her to close her eyes for a little longer." He waves to Eddie and Maddie and ducks back into the room.

Maddie raises her eyebrow at Eddie. "Oooo-kay… so what's not a secret?"

"I came out as gay to the 118 a couple of days ago and I guess Chim has been killing himself trying not to tell you."

Maddie barks a laugh. "Hey, congrats, Eddie! Happy for you!"

"Sorry for accidentally torturing your husband for a couple days," Eddie smiles.

"No, y'know what, he needs the practice."

Eddie laughs in response, taking a seat at the counter with coffee in hand. He sips coffee while Maddie studies his face for a moment, before smirking and noting, "You look like you have follow up questions."

Maddie purses her lips, contemplating whether to speak, before finally saying, "Okay, I do, but you don't have to answer it if it's too personal or invasive or anything. I just kind of feel like it's my obligation as a big sister to ask…"

"Yes," Eddie offers easily, before Maddie can finish her thought. "It's Buck. Not… the whole reason I realized, but a pretty big part of it. I'm in love with him and I think I have been for the better part of the past 8 years."

Maddie's eyes widen, her lips forming a perfect 'O'. She takes another sip, before asking, "Does he…"

"I haven't said anything yet, but I feel like maybe he knows," Eddie's voice falters slightly as he turns his attention toward a peeling corner of the kitchen counter, his eyes deftly avoiding Maddie's gaze. "But I think… maybe soon?"

He's still staring into the middle distance, trying desperately not to read Maddie's expression, when a cool, gentle hand rests on his left arm. Eddie looks up at last to see a smile creeping into Maddie's expression, kindness softening her eyes.

"I'm so happy for you, Eddie. And happy for Buck too. What you have… it's special," she says, clearly fighting tears in her eyes. "I'm so happy you've found your way to each other."

"You might be speaking too soon. I have no idea what Buck thinks about this yet," Eddie replies, voice small and shaky.

"Eddie. You know him better than I do. Do you think it's possible that he doesn't love you? That boy loves you as much as you love him." Maddie says steadily.

Eddie looks at Maddie, pictures Buck in his kitchen, smiling at him like he's the only person in the world that matters. The kind of smile that makes his heart sing, makes him want to run laps around the block, wants to make him believe in the universe screaming at him.

"Yeah, okay." Eddie admits, smiling, as Maddie wraps him into a hug.

22nd June

Eddie is pacing. He's not supposed to know that his parents are arriving today, so he can't possibly call ahead and ask what time to expect them. So instead, he is suffering through every waking moment, jumping whenever he hears any movement at the door.

He wishes Buck were here. Wishes they could be sitting on the couch, sipping beers and watching some new documentary about marine life that Buck will harp on about for the next week while Eddie listens, smile plastered on his face and adoration in his eyes. But they both decided it would probably be best if he was alone at home with Chris, lest his parent have more to comment on about his life and inaptitude as a father.

Finally, at 3pm, the doorbell rings and Eddie is put out of his misery. Well, one sort of misery, he thinks, because the real challenge is just beginning. He flings open the door, and tries to arrange his expression into one of surprise, when his parents are waving at him with plastic smiles on their faces. It's not until he calls for Chris to come greet his grandparents that the smiles relax into something more genuine, and Eddie tries not to think about how that realization smarts.

They offer to take Eddie and Chris out for dinner, an early celebration for Eddie's birthday, and Eddie silently thanks Buck for predicting this, so he hadn't started on dinner. They head to a slightly casual sit-down restaurant serving Mexican fare, a 20 minute drive from Eddie's place. They don't get 10 minutes into the dinner before his parents are already asking questions he wishes they would avoid.

"So, Eddie, what's new? New girlfriend or anything?" Helena asks casually.

Chris looks pointedly at Eddie, but says nothing, and Eddie tamps down a sudden surge of panic. He knows his son is emotionally mature enough not to out him to his parents, and the notion keeps his breathing steady.

"Uh… no. No dating for me recently. Just wanna focus on Chris, you know?" Eddie chokes out a reply, not completely untrue.

"Well, Eddie, you're not getting any younger. What are you gonna do when Chris is 18, goes off to college, and you're all alone in that house of yours?" Helena tuts at him.

"Mom, I'm not alone. You know I have friends, right? Family too? Your sister-in-law named Pepa for example?" Eddie responds dryly.

"And I'll be going to college, not the moon, Grandma. I'll still hang out with Dad." Chris adds, melting Eddie instantly.

"We're just worried for you, mijo," Ramon chimes in. "Friends are all well and good, but won't you be lonely without a girlfriend? A wife? And Chris, don't you want to have a mom too?"

Chris shrugs. "I have a mom, she's dead. I don't really see why I need another."

Helena scowls. "You see, you have let that boy grow up in a single-parent household for too long. He doesn't even see how important a second parent is!"

"I mean, Buck is basically my second parent. I don't really need another?" Chris supplies, toying with the food on his plate, looking at the black beans rolling about and decidedly not at his grandparents' faces.

"It's not the same," Helena sighs. She looks toward Eddie, imploring, "Eddie, you know it's not the same. You need to do something about this."

Eddie almost laughs. "Do what, mom? Start dating around and bringing another random woman who I don't love home to try to play house with Chris. I don't want that, and Chris definitely doesn't want that. We have a family here, and we're happy. Can you just… leave it?" He exhales, noticing that his confession comes so close to revealing the whole truth about who he is and who Buck is to him, and he shudders slightly.

Helena, slightly incensed at Eddie's response, huffs, "It's not right, Eddie. Chris needs stability, a mother and a father. He had that in Texas with your father and I, and what, you're telling me you're not even going to try to provide it for him here?"

"He has stability, mom! He has me. He has the 118. He has Buck, who's been in his life longer than he hasn't at this point. He has so many people who love him, but you're obsessed with the idea of me forming a nuclear family with him with a mother and a father and I don't understand why!" Eddie feels a little desperate, his tongue a little too loose now from the sheer intensity of his emotion, and he consciously holds himself back, fearful about what his tongue will release when he next frees it.

"Eddie," Helena says, calm, as if she isn't stabbing Eddie with every syllable. "We just want what's best for you and Chris. We think it's important for him to have both a mom and a dad, and we think it'd be best if you had a wife again, so you're not lonely and… depressed. We all know what happened after you broke up with that Ana girl, it wasn't good for you."

Chris tries to help, muttering into his food, "I really don't need another mom." But the words seem to fall on deaf ears.

Eddie takes a deep, slow inhale. "I was depressed after Ana because I had PTSD. It had nothing to do with being single. In fact, being with Ana gave me panic attacks so bad I thought my heart was stopping. And the panic attacks came when people assumed we were married, or that she was Chris' mom. And I realized… it was because I didn't love her in the way I was meant to, and the idea of a future with her scared me so much I panicked."

"Okay, she wasn't right for you. But that doesn't mean you should just give up on dating, right?" Ramon tries, attempting to make his voice gentle, but Eddie bristles at it.

"No. I just… I can't. I can't make it work with another woman. I've tried, I really have," Eddie's throat feels tight, and his parents' eyes are widening, anticipating the next part of his sentence. "I have tried for years to be the son that you want, to build the kind of family for Chris that you would be proud of. But I can't, because I'm just not built like that."

"Eddie… Are you saying…" Helena asks, voice wavering.

"Yeah, mom, I'm gay. So there's not going to be another wife, or a mom for Chris. And I wasn't lying, I'm not seeing anybody right now, but I hope to be someday, and it'll be a man. It'll be a boyfriend, a husband, a second dad for Chris. But well, I think Chris already has that last thing," Eddie declares, careful not to expose any weakness in his voice.

Chris finally looks up from his food, and gives a small nod to Eddie, sending him a small smile.

Ramon clears his throat, calling Eddie's attention back to him. His mouth is pressed into a straight line, betraying no emotion. "That is… disappointing to hear, Eddie," is all he manages.

"This is a mistake, Eddie," Helena states plainly, unaffected. "This… lifestyle is exactly what we were talking about when we told you not to drag Chris down with you. This isn't what Chris needs."

And Chris, Eddie's whole heart, actually scoffs at that. "The only mistake, I think, is when I asked to come stay with you. I didn't know you would be homophobic. I already have two dads, and they're much better parents than you."

"Chris!" Ramon raises his voice slightly. "That's disrespectful. Eddie, are you going to let your son talk to your parents like that?"

Eddie huffs a laugh. "He's just speaking his mind, which you two have no trouble doing, it seems. I think he's doing a great job conveying his feelings in as respectful a way as he can."

Helena purses her lips. "We're not homophobic, Eddie. We'll respect your choice, you're an adult. We just want to you consider how this will affect Chris, and you, what will people think?"

"It's not a choice. Or a… lifestyle. It's just who I am. I was fourteen and afraid of disappointing you so I quit ballroom so I would stop seeing my crush who happened to be a boy," he says, his parents reeling slightly at the revelation. "I was seventeen when I told myself that Shannon was my last chance to prove that I was worthy of your love and pride, and while I don't regret it because Chris is the light of my life, it broke my heart when all I saw was your disappointment again. I was twenty five when you told me not to drag Chris down with me, and I've been trying over and over since then not to do it. I've been fighting every instinct to try to bend and shape myself into a man you can be proud of. But I'm done with that. I finally figured out how to be a person I'm proud of, that Chris is proud of, that my friends and family here are proud of. And I don't need it, I'm not going to beg for it, but I would love if for once in your life, you could be proud of me too."

There's silence at the table for a moment, only punctuated by ambient noises of cutlery and polite conversation at neighboring tables.

Ramon and Helena move to stand, shaking their heads, while Ramon simply reiterates, "That is disappointing to hear," before they turn to leave.

23rd June

Getting himself and Chris home the previous night was a blur for Eddie. He remembers loading Chris into his truck, driving home in silence, and giving Chris a tight hug and a taut "Thank you" and "Love you" before letting Chris wander back into his room. He remembers sitting in his room, staring at a wall blankly for a good 30 minutes, before heaving sobs overcame him. He remembers burying his head into his pillow, eyes bleary with tears, and texting his best friend with shaky fingers.

Hey, I'm home.

Came out to them in anger and

It didn't go well.

I'm ok, just gonna call it early.

See you tomorrow?

He hadn't waited for a reply before he closed his eyes and let the exhaustion from sobbing consume him.

When Eddie wakes, sunlight is streaming through his window and the scent of butter and eggs are wafting into his bedroom. He rolls out of bed, certain his eyes are puffy and red from the previous night, and plods into the kitchen, where Buck is already plating scrambled eggs for him.

"Hey, you," Buck greets, far too sunny for 9:20am in the morning. Eddie manages a smile in response, and seats himself at the counter. "Chris is still asleep, and I assume he will be till noon, so I'll keep his share in the fridge."

"Thanks, Buck," Eddie manages, his throat raspy and slightly sore.

"Um… I'm sorry about how last night went," Buck offers.

"It's not your fault."

Buck smiles. "Yeah, I know." He pauses. "But I'm still sad. How are you feeling?"

Eddie ponders the question for a moment. He tries, "Pissed. Hurt. Just… really fucking helpless, I think. Like everything I ever do is never good enough and I don't know what else to do or how else to be and there's nothing I can do to fix it. And I think above all I'm just sad. Like… those are my parents. They're supposed to love me but they just… don't."

And Eddie just feels so broken, hollowed out. Like his parents have torn through his heart, meticulously ripped it at the seams and pulled out everything in him, leaving him with broken remains and no way to pull himself back together. His shoulders slump and he feels like just lying on the kitchen counter, his broken being splayed out for the world to see.

"Hey," Buck holds Eddie up by his shoulders. "I'm so sorry, Eddie. Nobody should make you feel like that, especially not your parents."

Eddie suddenly feels so selfish. He knows how Buck's parents are, he knows how Buck had grown up with that neglect and apathy. But they were trying. Yes, they were still awful parents and their instincts often led them to parent in the worst way (seriously, they chose to go on a wine tour rather than attend Bobby's funeral?), but they still tried to go through the motions of parenting. When Buck had come out to them, they had at least bothered to paste smiles on their faces and said 'we're proud of you, son', a kindness Eddie's parents hadn't even managed. Fuck, he thinks, his parents can't even be bothered to be as polite as the Buckleys. The realization makes his head swirl with more emotions he can't name, his heart feels even further sundered.

Eddie's phone buzzes on the table, and he flips it over, noting many missed messages and calls from Buck last night.

Missed Call from Buck

are you sure you're ok?

do you need to talk or anything?

Missed Call from Buck (3)

ok i'm gonna assume you're asleep already

you better be!!!

i'll be there tomorrow morning with bfast :)

sleep well eddie

Eddie smiles and scrolls to his latest messages, the ones which had buzzed just moments ago, and opens a familiar group chat.

Diaz Siblings

Sophia: Eddie! are you okay?

Adriana: we had a call with mom and dad this morning and they said the most vile shit

Adriana: i hung up on them lol

Sophia: guessing you came out to them last night?

Adriana: they were going on about how your 'choice' is so disappointing

Adriana: and how they 'tried so hard' with you but you still turned out like that

Sophia: ok Adri I don't think Eddie needs to know what they said

Sophia: just that it was gross and we don't agree. AT ALL.

Adriana: yeah seriously fuck them

Adriana: love you eddie

Adriana: hope you're doing ok and that they didn't get to you

Sophia: whatever they said, you're still our big brother and we love you for who you are

Sophia: you could never be a disappointment to us

Adriana: we're so proud of you!!!

Adriana: next time we have the time we'll come see you and chris and HELENA AND RAMON WILL NOT BE INVITED

Eddie is surprised to find that he's fully smiling. He looks up to see Buck putting Chris' eggs into some Tupperware. When their eyes meet, Buck's eyes sparkle as his smile grows. Eddie rides the high and types out his response.

Eddie: Hey! Not gonna lie, it was rough last night.

Eddie: But thanks for this, I'm feeling a lot better today.

Eddie: Buck came by to make breakfast and we're hanging out :)

Eddie: So don't worry about me! Love you girls too.

Adriana and Sophia both heart react to the last message, while Adriana reacts to the message about Buck being over with a pair of eyes. Eddie chuckles to himself and places his phone back down on the counter top. Buck, still bathed in gorgeous morning hues of the sunlight dancing into his kitchen, turns to look at him, his own plate in hand. Something weighing on Eddie almost lifts immediately, and with newfound lightness, he and Buck have breakfast together in the cozy warmth of the morning sun.

24th June

"This is mortifying. I'm so sorry."

"You're surprisingly calm for someone hanging from a window on the third floor. Okay, let me slip this harness onto you," Buck answers, working quickly to secure the twenty-something woman who's dangling precariously from the window of her parents' apartment.

"I used to climb out this way all the time as a kid," the woman admits. "It's how I snuck out to parties. But I guess there were some renovations, there used to be a ledge here that led to the fire escape."

Buck huffs a laugh. "Well, I guess you probably should have checked that before trying again. So… what party were you sneaking off to today?"

The woman sighs. The harness is securely fastened around her and Buck gives the signal to Ravi, operating the winch on the roof, and he and the woman are slowly lowered to the ground.

"I wasn't trying to sneak out to anywhere," she admits on the way down. "Just trying to avoid a difficult conversation."

"Must have been some conversation if you escaped out a window," Buck lands on the ground, and starts removing her harness, then points at Eddie who's running up to them. "This is my friend Eddie, he's a paramedic and he'll check you out real quick." Eddie gestures for her to take a seat at the ledge of the ambulance as he does a quick concussion check, while Buck follows after, their conversation unfinished.

"They were trying to set me up on a blind date with the son of one of their friends… and I kept saying no," she mumbles.

"Been there, my tia will not take no for an answer," Eddie adds. "You don't have a concussion, by the way, that's good." He moves on to cleaning the slight scratches on her arms.

"Yeah… And they were so insistent. I was kind of too afraid to tell them… I already have a girlfriend."

Eddie pauses, looks her in the eye, and deadpans, "So you chose to go out a window instead?"

"Not my finest moment."

"Hey, we get it," Buck gives her a slight nod. "I'm queer too, telling anyone can be scary. Especially family," he looks at Eddie as he says that, measuring Eddie's reaction. Eddie tries hard not to react at all.

"Honestly, I know my parents love me and I want to believe they'll support me. It shouldn't be this scary. I just…"

There's suddenly some slight commotion coming from the entrance of the building, where a couple in their fifties have run out. They eye the woman and are quickly running over.

"Oh my god! Jenna, are you okay?"

"What were you thinking, honey?"

The woman, Jenna, winces, and Eddie knows it has nothing to do with the stinging of antiseptic on her superficial injuries. He's still working on finishing up some bandages on her palm, which has a nasty cut from the windowsill, when she speaks.

"Sorry, uh… I just didn't know how to tell you," She inhales, shutting her eyes, and blurts the rest of the sentence out in one breath. "I don't want to go on a blind date with that accountant boy because I already have a girlfriend and we've been dating for a year now and it's pretty serious and I think I love her and I don't even like men."

There is a moment of stunned silence, as Eddie finishes bandaging, and his hands fall to his sides. Both he and Buck are staring at Jenna's parents, quietly anticipating their response. There's a moment where they feel like they should maybe duck away to give some privacy, but don't want to leave Jenna without some support in case it goes badly, so they quietly hover.

Her mom speaks first. "Oh, Jenna… Why didn't you just say so, honey?"

"Is it Maya?" Her dad asks, and Jenna nods. "Come on, sweetie, we love her! Why'd you have to go out a window instead of telling us? Is she free next weekend? We can have dinner!"

"We're happy for you, honey. I'm so sorry if we ever made you feel afraid to tell us, but we love you so much."

"No, no you've never made me feel like I couldn't tell you. I was just getting in my own head. It was stupid," Jenna says, jumping up to hug both her parents.

"It's not stupid, sweetie. Thank you for telling us, we're so proud."

Buck and Eddie finally relax and slowly walk away, leaving the family some privacy while they pack up equipment from the call. Eddie makes it to the other side of the engine before a profound sadness stabs at him, and suddenly tears are blurring his eyes.

"Hey, hey Eddie, what's going on?" Buck's hands are suddenly on his chest, holding him up. His eyes are searching Eddie's, as if the answer to how to help him are hidden somewhere in their depths.

"Oh my god, this is so dumb," Eddie mutters so silently, Buck has to lean in to hear.

"No, no, it's not Eddie, why are you crying?" Buck shifts Eddie so that they're hugging, and Buck can feel Eddie shaking with the effort of holding back sobs.

"I'm just… I'm sad that my parents aren't like that. That they've always made me afraid. That I'll never hear them tell me they're proud of me." He admits into Buck's ear, and Buck tightens his grip on Eddie. "I don't know why that makes me so sad because I know they're assholes and I shouldn't care what they think."

Buck's response is so small and quiet that Eddie only barely hears it too. "But they're still your parents. I know it hurts." Eddie nods into Buck's shoulder.

"Can we just… stay here for a bit? I'll be fine in a few minutes. I promise."

"Yeah, of course," Buck pats Eddie's back. He closes his eyes and holds his best friend tight. Eddie feels the comforting pressure of Buck holding him, and breathes, and they stay locked in embrace for a few minutes more.

They run into Jenna and her parents again when they're returning to the engine, eager to thank the firefighters who had so valiantly rescued her, and they notes with alarm Eddie's red-rimmed eyes.

"Hey! Are… are you okay?" Jenna asks, eyes locked on Eddie.

Eddie manages a weak smile. "Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry."

Jenna looks unconvinced, so Eddie tries to wave her off and says, by way of explanation, "Just had a similar conversation with my parents the other day. It um… didn't go as well." Jenna's face falls at the admission. Eddie tries to salvage the situation by adding, "Maybe I should have escaped out a window, huh?"

The joke doesn't land, if the three concerned faces in front of him are anything to go by. Jenna's mom immediately steps forward to say, "Well, if my son were a hero firefighter like you, I wouldn't care who he loved, I'd be proud either way."

At that, Eddie feels his heart slowly tearing along the same lines he had tried so hard to stitch back together himself. Like his parents words are rending him open once again, their tendrils so tight around him, choking the breath out from his lungs.

"Hey, we're not your parents, but if nobody's told you, we want to tell you that we're proud of you for being who you are." Jenna's dad pipes in.

"No," Eddie quickly responds, stunning himself. "Actually, lots of people have told me that. All of my family— well, my chosen family here at the 118 have told me that." At the admission, Eddie suddenly feels the icy cold grip on his throat loosen, and he breathes again. "T-thank you guys, for saying that, but I know I have so much support from people who care about me."

Buck wraps an arm around Eddie's shoulder, and smiles. "Well, it's true. We're all proud of you."

Eddie looks at Buck in the eyes, breathing in time with him. "I haven't told you thank you, Buck. And… I'm so proud of you too."

25th June

"We need to stop meeting like this," Eddie quips as he squats in front of Jake.

"Oh my god," Jake laughs. "What are the odds?"

"Of having a loose light bulb fall straight on your head? Pretty low, I'd say," Eddie teases. The 118 is responding to an accident in a dance studio, where some poorly installed light bulbs have fallen out of their lamps, one of them landing very unceremoniously on the head of one Jake Montoya.

"You know, that's two very weird freak accidents in a month. Some people might call it a curse of some sort!" Buck pops his head over Eddie's and helpfully shares.

Eddie rolls his eyes and says, "No such thing as curses."

"Wow, you really haven't changed, Eddie," Jake says, chuckling. "This guy refused to take part in any pre-competition rituals because he thought superstition was stupid."

Buck laughs at that, nudging Eddie's shoulder. "Wow, Eddie, leave some room for the unknown, man."

"Oh please, given that I won without those rituals anyway, isn't that proof that superstition is dumb and curses aren't real?" Eddie huffs.

"Oh yeah? How do you explain getting two really stupid injuries in the same month and having your childhood crush come rescue you both times? That's a curse if I've ever seen one," Jake argues easily. As the words leave his mouth, he blanches slightly, recalling Eddie's reaction to the whole childhood crush revelation a few weeks ago, but is relieved when Eddie's face betrays no discomfort.

"Ooh, childhood crush, huh? I guess you were a hot commodity even back then, Eddie," Buck teases, making Eddie's cheeks redden as he smiles sheepishly and looks away.

"Well, Jake wasn't too bad himself," Eddie responds, his tone playful. "You have no idea how often I dreamt about kissing him when I was twelve and then promptly repressed it." Buck has the audacity to guffaw at the joke. Jake, on the other hand, has his mouth hanging open, a smile threatening to pull at the sides of his lips.

Chim suddenly calls for Buck at the other end of the studio they're in, and Buck smiles his dazzling smile at both Eddie and Jake before bounding over, leaving the two alone.

"So…" Jake starts.

Eddie smiles. "Yeah, it wasn't as unrequited as you thought. Or as I thought, I guess."

"Hey, proud of you, Eddie. Sorry if I kind of… triggered a whole sexuality crisis or anything."

"No," Eddie blinks at him. "If anything, I should probably thank you for that. I think I really needed someone to push the first pebble to start the whole landslide that uncovered thirty years of really intense denial."

Jake laughs, and Eddie has to hold his head in place to finish cleaning the blood caked on the side of his forehead.

"Oh my god, Jake! Are you okay?" Another man has suddenly rushes up, kneeling next to Eddie and Jake and worriedly scanning Jake.

"Relax, I'm fine. Not even a concussion, I might need some stitches, though," Jake sighs, looking a little embarrassed.

Eddie nods in assent, and looks over to the man who's joined them, and startles. "Hey! I know you!" He says, trying to dig through his memory to place the face.

"Oh! Oh no!" The man groans, turning to Jake. "Remember when I told you about the hot paramedic that treated me after the glitter bomb incident?"

Jake bursts into laughter. "No way! Remember when I told you about the hot paramedic who's my childhood crush?"

The man (Devin! Eddie is pleased to recall) joins in the laughter. "What are the odds?"

Eddie's smile only widens. "Well, I'm flattered, guys. But if I recall, Devin, you told me you made that glitter bomb to impress a boy." His eyes playfully dart between Devin and Jake.

Jake only laughs harder, while Devin grows three shades redder. "Well," Jake says when he recovers from uncontrollable glee. "The boy was in fact very impressed. Although… there was no glitter bomb in the end and Devin just showed up at my show and manually threw glitter onto the stage."

Devin looks slightly mortified, but is still smiling and blushing. "Well… Um… If you're all good, I'll go check on the others over there. Let me know if you're headed to the hospital or anything… I'll ride along?"

Jake nods, and quickly rolls his eyes at Eddie's smirk once Devin turns.

"Well, looks like you've moved on from that nightmare ex you were talking about," Eddie comments. "He's cute, and he definitely really likes you. Enough to maim himself for it."

Jake looks over toward where Devin is gesturing to some other dancers, and sighs longingly. "Yeah… He's pretty great. We only met a couple weeks ago at a show. He offered to help with decorations and special effects." Jake turns his attention back to Eddie, eyes narrowing. "Enough about me, though. What about you?" He looks very pointedly toward Buck, who's now on a ladder examining an unfallen light bulb, with Chim supervising at ground level.

Eddie chuckles, "What about me?"

"Oh come on, I thought I noticed something the first time between you two, but today? There's no way there's nothing going on with the way you're looking at each other."

Eddie glances over at Buck, fondness filling his chest, and his feet go a little wobbly. "Nothing's going on… yet."

Jake raises an eyebrow, and Eddie continues, "I just need to get my head out of my ass and talk to him, I think."

Jake pats Eddie's hand, saying, "Well, good luck, Diaz. Hope we both get the men of our dreams." He catches a glimpse of the date on Eddie's watch, and beams. "Oh hey! Isn't it your birthday tomorrow?"

Eddie, stunned, replies, "Oh, yeah. Can't believe you remembered! Buck's birthday is actually the day after mine, too."

"Woah. Seems like fate. Like the universe screaming at you a little?" Jake laughs. Eddie's laughter joins in harmony.

Instead of arguing, Eddie decides to simply respond, "Yeah. Something like that."

26th June

Eddie is not the kind of person who makes a big deal of his birthday. From ages 0 - 18, his family would get him a cake on 26th June, place one perfectly centralized candle in the middle of said cake, and sing him a quick birthday song, once in English and once in Spanish. Then, he would blow out the candle, cut the cake, and that would be that. Then came the army, being a teen father, and being a single father, and his own birthday had became such an afterthought that he was surprised he still remembered the date.

In fact, he was a full year into working at the 118 when they were celebrating Buck's birthday, and Buck had leaned over to ask, "Hey! I just realized we didn't celebrate your birthday this year, when is it?"

Eddie had looked at a calendar, and been startled to realize he had completely not registered it had come and passed. Stunned, he had said, "Um… it was actually yesterday." Buck's eyes had widened, and he had immediately arranged for everyone to sing a second birthday song for Eddie, and lit a second candle for Eddie to blow out. The 118 have been celebrating joint Eddie and Buck birthdays every year since.

Eight years in, Eddie is almost used to the fanfare that now comes with his birthday. Almost. He still winces sometimes when all eyes turn to him, doesn't quite know what to do with his hands when everyone is looking expectantly at him as they sing him a birthday song, still hasn't figured out how best to show his appreciation for all the time and effort that goes into celebrating his birthday. All that is to say, that he spends most of the day in the firehouse, with far too much attention on him, in a slightly uncomfortable, bashful state.

He's much happier when he finally returns home at the end of shift, knowing he'll spend a quiet night celebrating with Chris and Buck alone.

They've got a cake, half vanilla for Eddie and half blackforest for Buck, the white and dark brown almost looking like yin and yang, completing each other. Eddie thinks it's fitting. As is tradition, they place a candle on the white half today, and they'll eat only the vanilla half, and celebrate again tomorrow, eating the blackforest half. It's a special tradition only made possible by their birthdays being a day apart, and Eddie loves just how unique and theirs it is.

As Eddie blows out the candle on his half of the cake, wish made and eyes bright, he looks at Chris and Buck, smiling with love and joy. The vanilla of the cake has never tasted sweeter.

Later, Eddie and Buck sit on the couch, watching reality television (Real Housewives of Atlanta, Eddie's choice given his birthday privileges), and sipping beers. Since finding out about Buck's birthday, Eddie's loved his own birthday for being the only day where he and Buck are the same age. For a brief 24 hours, they're both thirty-four, and Eddie feels closer to Buck than ever.

As an episode of Real Housewives ends, Buck pulls out an envelope, sliding it over to Eddie.

"I know you don't like to make a big deal out of gifts. But I had to get you one anyway," he says.

In it, Eddie pulls out three tickets to a baseball game next month. Really good seats, he notes, likely really expensive. Buck, who barely understands the rules of baseball, ducks his head sheepishly. "Buck," Eddie smiles. "This is awesome. Thank you."

Buck leans over, letting his shoulder rest against Eddie's. "You know, I half expected you to tell me it's too much. Or say I didn't have to get you anything." He turns to look at Eddie. "I'm glad you're learning to accept love freely."

Eddie scoots himself closer to Buck on the couch, returning Buck's gaze. "I think I have you to thank for that."

"So," Buck teases, "was this everything you wanted? Everything you wished for?"

"Not quite," Eddie whispers, glancing quickly at the clock. 11:59pm.

"Oh yeah?" Buck replies, his face close to Eddie's. "What did you wish for, then?"

Eddie grins. "I realized… I have everything I could ever want in life already." He leans in. "So I just wished for the courage to take it."

The clock strikes midnight.

27th June

The clock strikes midnight, and Eddie's lips press against Buck's. He pulls Buck in for a tender kiss, gentle and warm, and Buck quickly leans into it, gladly reciprocating. Eddie's heart spins, sings, dances with joy. He feels sparks fly in a way he's never felt before, all the blood rushing to his head, fueling a sense of euphoria he's never even imagined.

When they pull apart at last, Eddie feels giddy. "Happy birthday, Buck." He manages to breathe, inches from Buck's face.

Buck laughs, "How am I ever gonna beat that as a birthday present?"

Eddie holds up a finger, and smirks at him. "Wait, that's not all." He quickly whips out a box he had stashed under the couch, and passes it over to Buck. Buck opens the box and his eyes immediately fill with tears. From the box, he gingerly lifts a St. Christopher's necklace.

"You've been part of this family for years, Buck. You've been there for both me and Christopher for as long as I can remember, and now I want you to have a piece of us with you everywhere you go. Because, and I hope I made it really clear when I kissed you, I love you. I love you and I want you to be a part of our family forever." Eddie says, his voice shaking with emotion.

"Well," Buck responds, interlacing his fingers with Eddie's. "I hope I also made it really clear when I kissed you back, I love you too. I've loved you for years, Eddie. I've never dared to call myself a part of this family, I didn't want to overstep. But God, I've wanted it for years. I've wanted you and Chris selfishly to call me part of your family for years."

Eddie leans in to kiss Buck again, and it's just as magical as the first time. He wonders, for a moment, whether this will be the rest of his life, just moments of unexplainable magic. He thinks, he could get used to this.

"Wait!" Buck suddenly shouts, once their second kiss has ended. Eddie startles, staring at Buck with alarm. "Does that mean our anniversary is on my birthday, not yours?"

The tension locking Eddie's entire body eases. He nods, smiling. "It was by design. I'm gonna be combining anniversary and birthday gifts for the rest of our lives. Saves money."

"Jerk," Buck jokes, throwing a cushion at Eddie's head, which he deftly dodges. "Wait till you see how I get my revenge for this."

Eddie shrugs. "Eh, you've got a long time to figure it out."

The sentiment takes Buck by surprise, and he decides to kiss Eddie again in response.

28th June

Chris had taken one look at the goofy smiles on Buck and Eddie's faces, mere hours after their first kiss, and said, "Congrats on figuring it out. Can I have pancakes?" So Buck and Eddie are determined to do a little better at the firehouse. They figure, it'll be easier to make a big announcement at the next family barbecue, which will only be a week away, so they can keep it under wraps for just a little while. Besides, Eddie had argued, it was fun to have something that was just theirs, even if just for a little bit.

And so, Eddie has been spending the last 10 hours of his shift maintaining a respectful distance from his boyfriend. It doesn't go unnoticed to him how the word makes his heart skip a beat, and he's been biting down on his lip to prevent himself from cracking the stupidest, dopiest smile every time Buck even looks his way, but he thinks he's managing pretty well.

But in hour eleven, sitting in the ambulance with Hen, Eddie finds himself cornered.

"What's going on with you and Buck?" Hen asks, suspiciously studying Eddie's reaction.

"What? Nothing? What do you mean?" Eddie says coolly, betraying nothing.

"Are you two fighting?"

"What? No! Why would you think that?" Eddie feels his palms getting slightly sweaty. Maybe they aren't as cool and subtle as they thought.

"You've barely said two sentences to each other in hours. You're usually inseparable." Hen tilts her head.

"No, seriously. We're not fighting or anything. I'm just a little tired, I stayed up talking with Chris last night and couldn't sleep after." Eddie lies. So sue him, he's panicking a little!

Hen seems to soften a little, sympathy pulling at her eyes. Eddie feels horrible for manipulating her feelings. "Oh, sorry. I just thought it was a little weird. Glad to know it's nothing."

Eddie simply returns her a tight smile.

He finds Buck in the kitchen later, and stands a normal, platonic distance from him as he whispers, "Dude, I think they're onto us."

"Ok, firstly, dude? We've made out like five times. And secondly, what do you mean? We've barely even talked, how can they know anything?"

"That's the problem, Buck. Hen thinks we're fighting because we're not tangled up in each other."

"Oh," Buck blushes, laughing. "I guess we've never been particularly normal about each other. Should we uh… pretend we're making up now and then try to be more normal. Or well, us-normal. So not that normal."

"That makes no sense, but ok," Eddie replies, spying that Hen has just entered the loft area. He pulls Buck in for a hug, as if they've just talked out something and are sharing a very friendly, brotherly hug. He doesn't let himself sink too far into the hug, but he does quietly whisper into Buck's ear, "Can't wait till we're alone again." as they pull apart.

Hen is eyeing them thoughtfully, head tilted once more, mouth pressed flat. Eddie simply shrugs and gives her a small smile, patting her as he passes. "We worked it out," he says, as Hen stands in further contemplation, squinting at both Buck and Eddie. Buck, for all intents and purposes, has gone back to very normally preparing dinner for the crew, and doesn't even look up at Hen.

As they're sitting down for dinner, Ravi suddenly speaks. "Sorry, I can't do this anymore, are Buck and Eddie fighting? The tension has been palpable."

Eddie freezes. Oh come on. He hangs his head and is forced to confront that he and Buck are simply not good at being normal at all. Buck sputters.

"No, we're not. Stop asking. There's nothing going on between me and Buck. We are so normal." Eddie bites back, sentences short and clipped. Ravi looks entirely unconvinced, but sits down at the table anyway. Buck slides into his seat next to Eddie, and Eddie feels a satisfying thrum within his heart with Buck clicked back into place where he belongs, pressed against his side.

"Right. Okay. Not gonna touch that with a ten foot pole right now. Let's just have dinner?" Chim offers, wincing slightly.

Before he thinks about what he's doing, Eddie reaches over to place his hand on Buck's thigh, pulling his leg closer. Buck almost shudders at it, suddenly locking up and staring wide-eyed at Eddie, biting his lower lip as if to hold an outburst back. A cheeky smile works its way into Buck's features, as Buck quietly reaches over to lay his own hand on Eddie's thigh, gently stroking him.

Eddie's stomach is doing somersaults in his body, and suddenly he wants to crawl out of his own skin and into Buck, wrap himself all over him and claim him for his own. But his mashed potatoes are getting cold, and the eyes of the rest of the 118 are burning into his quickly reddening cheeks, so he instead very subtly turns to Buck, and mouths, "Supply closet. After dinner."

Buck looks startled for a moment, before his expression melts into a devious one. He takes his hand from Eddie's leg to serve himself some more beef, and starts chewing with more vigor than intended. Eddie stifles a laugh, and quickly works his way through his dinner.

Eddie excuses himself from the dinner table a full 2 minutes and 24 seconds after Buck, and he applauds himself for both his self-control and his impeccable planning. He runs down the loft stairs with a little more gusto than necessary, checking over his back to make sure nobody noticed, and brisk walks to the supply closet with very righteous purpose. Buck is already there, his smile wider and more playful than he's seen all day.

"Hey. I missed you," Eddie breathes.

"I've been in here for like… 3 minutes," Buck chuckles.

Eddie places his hands on Buck's shoulders, steadying himself and pulling Buck closer. "No, I mean all day. Couldn't touch you or really talk to you."

Buck beams, moving closer of his own accord and breathing back, "Yeah. Me too."

And their lips meet again, in a kiss much hungrier than the ones that came before. Eddie inhales Buck, his arms clinging to him, lips and teeth and stubble brushing and clashing in a beautiful symphony of sounds and sensations. His whole body is thrumming with excitement as both bodies move in sync with each other, dipping and turning with lips still locked in a dimly lit storage closet.

Until the doors suddenly swing open.

"I fucking knew it!" Hen's voice calls out.

"Oh my god. I didn't need to see that," Harry moans.

"This makes way too much sense," Ravi muses.

"Oh… Kay…." Chim mutters, clearly too stunned to string together a sentence, looking like he's rebooting.

"Fuck." Eddie and Buck both say, throwing themselves apart. Eddie runs his fingers down his face, trying not to scream, and willing his cheeks not to burn. He looks up at the four eyes that are staring him down, wincing as he says, "Uh… surprise?"

Buck, that traitor, just starts laughing.

Chim finally finishes buffering, looking between Buck and Eddie with consideration. "Ok, no more of that while on shift," he vaguely gestures to the space between them, obviously referring to the way they were very recently trying to suck each others' faces. "And I need you both in my office at the end of shift." He turns to walk away, still looking deep in thought, but turns back quickly and gives them a reassuring smile. "And congrats, guys. You deserve it. But we don't deserve to watch that again."

Buck laughs even harder, and Eddie rolls his eyes fondly.

Eddie looks at his watch, groaning. "We didn't even make it 12 hours, Buck!"

Buck finally wipes tears from his eyes from his laughter, shrugging and bumping Eddie's shoulder. "Eh. We beat our earlier record with Chris. 0.1 seconds was kind of an embarrassing record."

"Ha!" Hen cries, turning to leave with Ravi and Harry. "You guys are so embarrassing."

Eddie looks at Buck, cheeks reddening again, and smiles the dopiest smile he can manage.

29th June

Buck and Eddie are no longer being weird with each other, but they've been threatened with HR about 9 more times while on shift by various members of the 118. Mostly as a joke, but Eddie blushes every time, apologizing for being too utterly smitten with his boyfriend to keep his hands at an appropriate distance.

The shift finally ends at 7pm the next day, and Buck and Eddie are rapping on Chim's office door promptly at 7:01pm. They sit in front of his desk and Chim places two forms in front of them.

"Relationship Disclosure Forms," Chim explains. "You're allowed to work in the same firehouse based on your Captain's discretion, and your Captain approves," he smiles. "But you'll need to declare it to the LAFD."

Eddie nods, understanding and immediately appreciative of Chim's assurance. His eyes can the form, and he suddenly freezes. The form is mostly already filled, with clean, block letters in every field, declaring the relationship between Edmundo Diaz and one Evan Buckley. The only thing required of him is a date and signature. He looks over at Buck's form, and finds the same.

"D-Did you fill these out for us already? You didn't need to, Chim," Buck says, though something in his voice betrays some deeper knowledge.

"You both know my handwriting isn't that neat," Chim's gaze softens, his smile morphing to something a little sadder.

Eddie looks down at the familiar writing. The same block letters that used to fill every performance report, congratulatory card, personal note that came from his former Captain.

"Bobby filled these out?" Eddie asks, his voice small and shaky.

Chim nods. "I found them filed away with the other Relationship Disclosure Forms. Guess we haven't had to look in there in the past year, so nobody noticed. He uh… also had this post-it stuck on them." Chim pushes a lime green post-it across the desk, placing it squarely between Buck and Eddie. Bobby's neat script adorns the post-it, with a short note on it.

Proud of you boys. -B.N.

Buck chokes, tears spilling from his eyes, as he manages a strangled laugh, "It's so like him to sign off on a post-it."

Eddie huffs a small chuckle and reaches an arm over, his hand resting on Buck's lower back, heat stinging the back of his eyes as well. "Thanks for showing us this, Chim."

Chim nods, fighting back his own tears. "Just wanted you to know your current captain is really proud of you both too."

Eddie has never felt more free signing paperwork as when he signs off on the form, looking over at Buck and giving a small, chaste peck on his lips.

"Hey, hey, I said I didn't need to see any of that," Chim groans, shielding his eyes.

Eddie winks. "You said on shift. Shift ended twenty minutes ago."

"This is still your place of work! Go home, Diaz, you can do whatever you want in the privacy of your home."

Buck's smile grows sly. "Oh… We will," he says playfully. Chim groans again and shoos both men out of the office.

30th June

It's a balmy, warm summer day in Los Angeles, but Eddie thinks all the warmth in the room is coming from his own body. He feels content, settled in a way he didn't ever think he would. Certainly not when the month started, when he would feel ready to jump out of his own skin, to claw his way out from the performance of his own life. Today, he looks in the mirror and sees the man he was always meant to be.

He thinks of family. Not the one that tried to force him into a box for most of his sentient life, but the one he has hand selected for himself, forged through natural disasters and man-made crises, picked from the broken remnants of his tattered old life. He thinks of every person he's made proud, a name list growing by the day, and chief above all, the three names that make it all worthwhile.

He knows his son is proud. When he stands in front of Chris and tells him how much he loves him, he sees the familiar eye-roll, but catches the way his lips tug up into a smile and hears the almost inaudible response of "love you too, dad", which makes his heart stop every time.

He knows Buck is proud, not just because he repeats it every day, but in the way he looks at Eddie like there's nobody else in the world. In the way he holds Eddie like he's the last life buoy in a vast ocean. In the way his tongue and lips form the word "love", over and over like benediction, and the way his eyes twinkle when Eddie says it back.

He knows he is proud of himself. He says it into the mirror. He sees, at once, the boy who tried to run from his own feelings, the teenager who tried to run toward what his parents pointed him to, the man who tried to run aimlessly. He looks into the mirror and sees Eddie Diaz, thirty four, finally where he's supposed to be, a puzzle piece slot into its place. He's done running and he's so proud.

He walks out of his bedroom into the kitchen, where Chris is (shockingly) already awake and having pancakes. Buck is topping off Chris' stack with rainbow sprinkles.

"Last day of Pride, bud, we gotta make sure your pancakes are rainbow-ed up!"

Chris smiles, happy just for the pancakes, but gleefully indulging Buck's decorative sensibilities. Eddie leans against the doorframe, enjoying the tableau before him, and everything about it feels right, like it was meant to be. Like, he hates to admit, the universe is finally done screaming because everything is finally, finally in its place.

"Don't worry," Eddie laughs. "There'll be plenty more to come. We've only got the rest of our lives."