Chapter Text
“You wouldn’t even choose me, would you?” Ilya said. “If it is between me and hockey.”
“Of course I would,” Shane said, but not very confidently.
Ilya studied his face. “Would you?”
Shane tilted his chin to make himself seem confident. “Would you choose me?”
ilya couldn’t believe Shane would even ask that, after everything.
quietly, Ilya said, “You should go.”
“What? No way. Fuck that. Answer the question.”
“No,” Ilya said sternly. “Go home, Shane. We can talk...later.” Shane seemed unsure about whether Ilya was serious, so Ilya made it clear. “I don’t want to look at you right now. I don’t want to talk to you. Go home.”
Because Shane couldn’t leave anything alone, he asked again, “Would you choose me?”
“Maybe i shouldnt have.” ilya said.
“What?”
“Maybe were not right, maybe this is all just a mistake.”
===
Ilya has been thinking about that conversation for weeks. He didn't mean it but now it's too late. He just wanted shane to understand. He wanted someone on his side, not their side. He was being stupid when he said it.
Maybe I shouldn't have.
What the fuck is wrong with him? Why would he say that? He didn't want to break up but then he just kept talking instead of shutting up.
He's already seen pictures of Shane at clubs smiling and laughing. Probably already moved on from Ilya.
He misses Shane. He wants shane back in his arms. He’ll even go back to how they were before that first cottage stay, if it would mean getting to touch shane again. He'd do anything for Shane.
There are several empty bottles of vodka lying next to his bed, he probably has dark circles under bloodshot eyes, from crying. There are multiple empty packs of cigarettes on the nightstand and on the floor.
Hes barely gotten out of bed. He sent a lazy excuse to his Coach that he wasnt feeling well and needed to take some time off before coming back to hockey. Its been almost a week since he last showered and he cant be bothered to take one.
His phones been going off like crazy, he hasnt looked at it since he saw yuna try to call him. After she caled he called someone to come change the locks on his house and shut his phone off for a bit. He didnt feel like he could see anyone with the last name Hollander right now.
===
It's been about 3 weeks since their…fight? Breakup? Break up, definitely.
All he's been thinking about is how shitty of a boyfriend he was.
Maybe I shouldn't have.
Those 4 words have been on repeat in his head; haunting him. He never truly saw how much Ilya had given up for him. Now he might never get to show how much he appreciates it.
He's tried calling and left multiple messages, to apologize and try to fix it but he thinks Ilya blocked him. He probably won't even see Ilya on the ice because he hasn't been at any of his teams last several games.
He knows ilya needs space, and he'll give him that space for however long he needs; but he's getting worried. He knows Ilya knows how worried he gets, and he should have messaged him by now.
With Ilya he felt like he could believe in anything. But now he's not sure.
He truly thought they were forever; he had been planning to propose soon.
He has a ring, it's sitting under the pile of t-shirts in his closet. He had bought a bunch of candles, like how Ilya had joked about that first summer at the cottage.
He had just been waiting for the right time, but now there might never be a right time.
Rose had dragged him to the club last week but he couldn't truly enjoy it because all he could think about was how he could be dancing there with Ilya. He still smiled and and danced with Rose though he also ignored her looks when he ordered drink after drink; all alcoholic.
He had a total of about 8 or 9 drinks before Rose made him drink a few glasses of water. She had brought him home and had managed to extend her stay by a few days ju st make sure he was okay.
He missed Ilya and hoped that maybe, hopefully, Ilya missed him too.
===
He missed Shane.
Its been officially 2 months since that fight on boxing day. After shane had tried calling for like the 100th time, he blocked him. Seeing the caller ID hurt.
He had finally gotten out of bed for more then just the bathroom and food, just after it had officially been a month. He showered and looked at himself in the mirror that day.
His curls had grown longer then ever before, just past his shoulders. He thought he kinda looked like one of those surfer guys from cape cod. He also had large dark circles under his eyes and had slimmed up quite a bit.
He knew Shane would say something about how he needs to take care of himself. He walked out of the bathroom and got dressed before walking further into the house.
There were traces of shane everywhere. From the metros hoodie on the back of the couch to the half empty ginger ale on the counter. But what caught his eye first were the matching shimmering pink and purple heart rings on the mantel, from the wedding the pike kids threw for them last time they babysat.
He had been genuinely thinking about marriage seriously after that. But now it was too late. He always thought that he would just end up in some arranged marriage by his father or with some American women, maybe even Sveta. But after Shane came into his live he knew there was no one else, he knew that the beautiful, boring, Canadian boy was meant for him, forever.
He doesn't know what to do anymore, shane was like his map through life and now he's lost.
===
Its been 3 months now with nothing from Ilya, no message, call, or even an on ice appearances. Just the random public shots taking of him at the grocery store or something. And if he he's being completely honest, he looks awful. In Shane's eyes he'll always be perfect but he looks miserable.
He cried a little bit seeing the first picture of Ilya. He has definitely lost some weight and his once short curls are now long and run almost past his shoulders. He wishes he could run his fingers through them and tell him everything will be okay.
The other day he had met with his parents for lunch and even though its only the very beginning of March, his mom is already planning for summer. He doesn't want to have to go back to the cottage, because after that first summer Ilya was there even just the single day he was there before Ilya, it felt wrong without both if them.
now he just had to figure out what he wanted to do with it. He could rent it out?
===
He decided to Log into Instagram for the first time in several months. He had been dreading doing it since the break up because of seeing things about Shane, but he decided he was ready to face it.
But the first thing he sees makes him regret the choices he's made.
Shane Hollander's famous 'favorite place ever' lake side cottage for sale??
Theres no way Shane would sell it right? That was home, they were meant to retire together and live there.
He quickly googles zillow to see if its truly for sake cause theres no way.
But sure enough its right there for sale, $5.6M, lake side view, and several photos of each room that once was theirs.
But he couldn't let this happen. He can't let someone else sit there and call it home.