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Summary
“I’m in love with her.”
Nothing else. Just that. The words fall out of his mouth and hover there like the world’s least convenient Bludger. It’s the first time he’s said it out loud. It feels… odd. Heavy. Possibly terminal. He braces for questions, or judgement, or maybe an intervention.
What he gets instead is the not-at-all subtle sound of coins changing hands. Theo passes a handful of Galleons to Blaise.
“I told you,” Blaise murmurs, smug as sin.
••••
Draco Malfoy is no hero; just the Ministry’s unpaid consultant with a talent for sarcasm and survival. He plans to endure cursed artefacts and bad coffee in silence… until he starts noticing Hermione Granger. Flat shoes, sharper wit, and the kind of competence that makes even Malfoys pay attention.
He doesn’t speak to her. He just observes. Catalogues. Falls quietly, disastrously in love.
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When Hermione started her little white lie, it was still summer. It felt like she had all the time in the world to figure out how to manufacture a breakup with Charles, her imaginary boyfriend. She just didn’t realize what would happen to her holidays if she didn’t decide on an appropriate end date.
Now look at what she’d become. A liar. A manipulator. A coward.
And the holiday season was nipping at her heels.
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In the middle of a war, Hermione is stuck in the middle of nowhere.
With Draco Malfoy.
Without her friends, her magic, or her books, she has only her wits to rely on to survive her plight- to say nothing of her company. They've declared a truce, but somehow Draco keeps slipping past all her defences.Stranded together in the wilderness, Hermione and Draco are in for cold nights, endless snark, bad wine, and some interesting scars.
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“I was afraid back then,” says Draco, “of how much I loved you. I was broken. It wasn't the right time.”
“And now is? How old are you?”
“Forty-one.”
Draco uses an illegal Time-Turner, returning to the night before Hermione and Ron's wedding.
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Tea Towels and Other Weapons of Courtship by SportFucker
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
26 Apr 2025
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Summary
Draco Malfoy thinks he's courting Hermione Granger.
Hermione Granger thinks Draco Malfoy is experiencing a very slow, very polite breakdown.
Nothing about this is graceful.
They're both doing it anyway.Expect:
-missed signals
-disaster courtship rituals
-deeply amused Slytherins
-Ginny Weasley gives dating advice
-a tea towel that counts as an act of war
-"this is fine" energy
-Hermione Granger, missing every signal
-Draco Malfoy, sending them like distress signals from a sinking ship
-nothing, absolutely nothing, remotely gracefulChallenge: April Showers Bring May Flowers
Aster:
Patience, elegance
Required Tag: Cultural Misunderstandings or Slow Burn
