Chapter Text
The truth of immortality is after thousands of years and millions of hours and endless minutes on earth...You run out of things to do.
Merlin was pretty sure he had completed every bucket list anyone had ever made. Skydiving, motorcycles, writing books (under pennames obviously), earning at least twenty different degrees, visiting every country the world had to offer (twice), sneaking into government protected facilities...He had done it all. It was boring. You could only secretly save the universe so many times before you begin to wonder if maybe humanity would be better off destroyed.
He had since decided he would focus on the simpler things in life. After all, he liked doing good things in a variety of ways.
"Good work everyone!" He said from where he was sitting in the circle of chairs. "I'm glad to hear all your progress." He smiled and the group all grinned back from where they were sitting. Some looked more wary than others but he was pretty pleased that everyone was at least here. From outside, there was a small knock on the door. Merlin frowned. It was nearing the end of the session. He needed to get home and investigate why there were suddenly twelve dogs at his house (true story, a bunch of dogs just...Appeared in his room one day without any explanation).
"I got it." Layla, one of the older members, said with a roll of her eyes as she went to stomp over towards the door. Merlin went to check his list again. Huh. Maybe it was somebody new...In that case, they should probably prepare for-
"MERLIN!"
What?
Everyone in the room froze as Layla stood next to where the door had been thrown open to reveal a man in armor and a sword strapped to his side. A few scrambled away, hands raised high at the weapon. Merlin stared. It...It wasn't possible.
He had been waiting all these years for Arthur to return. He had never considered...
"Gwaine?" He asked, choking a little on his words as the knight looked blankly around the room. He had no idea how Gwaine had gotten here or how long he had been around. Despite the obvious confusion in his eyes at seeing people in strange clothing and inside a bizarre building that was cold despite the sweltering heat outside he smiled. A few people squeaked as he approached.
"So this shit happens when I'm sober too?" Someone muttered.
"My old friend!" Gwaine beamed and Merlin tried to process it all as the other man pulled up a chair to sit in. "I must say, I am very confused as to what's going on. Who are your friends?" He asked, gesturing to the group. One guy had taken out his cellphone and was wordlessly taking pictures. Merlin was still processing his words when Layla spoke up from where she had come back from the door.
"This is Alcoholics Anonymous, dude." She told him, crossing her arms over her chest. Gwaine blinked, mouthing the words to himself before brightening.
"A meeting about alcohol? Oh I have come to the right place!" He beamed, rubbing his hands together "I have been roaming for hours in search of a way to quench my thirst. Shall I get us all the finest mead at a nearby tavern?" He asked, flicking his hair back. There was a pause.
"Sure." One of the guys said and the entire group turned to him.
"No." Some of them growled while others seemed to be looking at Gwaine with a sort of intrigue at the proposition. That wasn't good. A few of the most baffled settled for simply glowering at the knight. Gwaine only beamed back, nonplussed by the reaction.
"Ah. Perhaps another time, my friends. Tell me. Where would I find the nearest mead?"
Oh God. Merlin needed to step in but he was still too shocked to move.
"Who still drinks mead?" Layla snorted "I used to drink whiskey when I wanted to get hammered."
"...whiskey?" Gwaine repeated "I have not heard of such a thing."
"Um," Merlin managed "No. Wait-"
"Damn. I could go for some whiskey." The boy from earlier said "That and some tequila shots." He hummed and the group murmured in something between disapproval and agreement. "Random guy, have you had tequila shots?"
"I have not!" Gwaine informed him happily "Though I will gladly taste all the fine wine for you."
"It isn't a wine," Someone else said "It's...Wait. Do you really not know about alcohol? Like cocktails? Hard liquor?"
"...no." Gwaine frowned "But I do know about alcohol. I am quite the fan of it." He added, dusting off his shoulders. A few people snorted.
"Clearly."
"I am! Are you challenging my word?" The knight asked, narrowing his eyes.
"Okay!" Merlin said loudly managing to pull himself together "Hi. Wow. Gwaine." He managed, standing up "This is...Not ideal. Gwaine, you have to leave." He said, tugging at his arm "I'll take you to my house."
"Your what?" Gwaine demanded and shook his head "I wish to prove my gall first. You say I don't know about alcohol?" He asked the group, jutting out his chin "Then I challenge each of you to drinking contest!"
"NOPE!" Merlin said loudly, dragging him out of the chair. A few people gasped in offense while Layla and some others continued to look at him in consideration. "No." He added fiercely to them, "I am so sorry about this. He will not be returning."
"COWARDS!" Gwaine yelled "I could outdrink all of you!"
"Why?!" Merlin whispered, still trying to yank him out "Gwaine, I am begging you to not do this. Please. Shut up." He said through gritted teeth as he managed to get him to the door.
"YOU BETTER PRACTICE! BECAUSE THE NEXT TIME WE MEET, MY FOES...I WILL DEMOLISH YOU IN OUR DRINKING CONTEST!"
After all these years...Fate still found ways to make his life harder.
Needless to say, Gwaine was not allowed to go to the funeral Merlin had been invited to the next week. Not that he thought Gwaine would be disrespectful on purpose but the man was still adapting to the modern world...And the last thing he needed was him shooting a flaming arrow at the casket. It was just better for him to be at the house and watch the twelve dogs that Merlin was still confused as to how he acquired. He was suspicious his magic was acting up.
Of course, he wondered much later, how bad his friend's appearance would have been compared to what actually happened.
The funeral was in a church, picture placed in front of the room with the priest speaking with nods and wide gestures as mourners cried and gave rueful laughs at memoirs. Merlin was all to familiar with it. He had been to almost every kind of funeral there was and nothing ever seemed to fill the numbing emptiness during whatever ceremony had been chosen. The priest continued his speech with the organ playing in the background right until a stained glass window shattered.
Glass spilled over the floor as people screamed and scattered about. From the rubble where the organ player had stopped abruptly, a figure rose.
"I LIVED!"
Merlin closed his eyes. He could have predicted Gwaine's arrival into the modern world would be bad...He hadn't anticipated Leon's to be worse. Leon and Lancelot were supposed to be easiest of them all. The crowd all turned. The knight in question was still dressed in his armor, hands risen high to signal his triumph as he looked around. Merlin awkwardly cleared his throat and pushed himself through.
"Merlin?" He asked when he caught sight of him "You survived as well! I knew you would persevere against the trials of life as any man should. Death cannot claim us!" A woman in the crowd sobbed "Why do you look so strange?" He asked and Merlin tried to ignore the angry whispers and glares thrown their way.
"Let's talk about it after the funeral." He whispered and Leon glanced over his shoulder.
"This? A funeral?" He snorted "We aren't even near a river. This is a lousy-" He started until Merlin slapped a hand over his mouth. Nope. No. He didn't deserve this. Leon pushed his hand away, turning to look around. His eyes fell on the casket and he turned to Merlin. "Is that the fallen?" He asked and Merlin glanced around to where people were trying to figure out how to react to the situation.
"Um, yes. But listen-"
"I shall pay my respects." Leon told him and Merlin groaned. The man seemed determined though as he walked towards the front of the church. Right. This might be fine. It wasn't like Leon would stab the corpse or anything.
Well...Okay. He kind of jinxed himself on that last part.
"Sorcery!" Leon spluttered, pulling out his sword. Without thinking, he tapped into his magic so he could send the knight's weapon flying. Great. He hoped nobody noticed his glowing eyes in the midst of the chaos. Leon looked baffled by his sword suddenly being thrown across the room and held up his fists.
Fun Fact: Merlin had never told Leon about his magic despite him being one of the few that lived past Camlann. Why? This was mainly due to a variety of reasons which included the fact it was actually many years since they saw one another again. Camelot kind of fell into the midst of chaos after Arthur died and it took Gwen some time to regain control of everything. When Merlin did see him again it was...Well. When Leon died.
He had the worst luck, honestly.
Merlin rushed over, unsure what part of the event had made Leon think sorcery. Granted, it could be pretty much anything from seeing a cellphone to the fact a picture of the deceased was next to the casket.
"My child, please calm yourself..." The priest said, taking a step towards him. Leon narrowed his eyes. "This is a house of God."
"Of God?" Leon repeated uncertainly. Merlin paused. Christianity had sort of been a thing in Camelot. Granted, Uther hadn't been a fan of it because of the whole Jesus granting miracles thing (too close to sorcery apparently) but Leon would have at least heard of it. "Why deprive this man of a proper funeral? He should be laid to rest in a river where his soul can find peace. He should not be in any god's home."
Right. Merlin better intervene before this turned into a religious debate by mistake.
"Leon, things are done differently here!" He called, stepping over some shattered glass. "This is a perfectly respectable funeral, I promise." He tried and Leon blinked at him, eyes flicking him up and down.
"They have enchanted you." He said with a shake of his head "And put you in strange clothes...That device around your neck is choking you!"
"It's called a tie-"
"It's called a noose!" Leon howled before turning to the priest "Release my friend from your magic or face the consequences."
"Leon, no."
"You think a church entertains the idea of magic?" The priest scowled. Merlin winced. "Of witchcraft?!"
"A church? You said this was a house of God!"
So maybe Leon knew less about Christianity than he thought. Whoops. That was fine. He could fix this. He kept Arthur Pendragon alive for years. He could keep a newly risen knight from stabbing somebody.
"You must be very ill." The priest noted. Merlin sighed. Yes, this was Leon's fault. No argument there but this guy needed to run away like everyone else. He turned to Merlin. "This is your friend?" He asked and shook a finger in Merlin's face before grabbing his arm to drag him over. "Young man, you-"
"RELEASE HIM!" Leon shouted, enraged and before Merlin could react, threw his fist forward.
Oh dear. The priest stumbled back, gripping his nose as he choked out alarmed gasps. Merlin nodded to himself. Yeah...That seemed about right. The only real consolation at the moment was that he knew Jacob (the guy in the casket, hi) would have loved that his funeral had gone so awry. Merlin jumped forward to grab his friend, trying to navigate him out of the church.
"He looks to be nobility. I have the right to challenge him to a duel."
"Leon, you punched a priest. We are leaving or so help me God."
"This is his house, no? I challenge him too!"
"Funnily enough...You kind of already have."
So now he had Leon and Gwaine here. Fun.
In order to try to adjust them as smoothly as possible to modern life he kept them both inside while he explained most of...Everything. From his magic in Camelot to the prophecy to his immortality to how the world had changed to...Now. It was all a lot, he knew so he had an idea on how to help them understand exactly how much had happened.
"...a museum." Leon repeated as they stepped inside the building. "This is where they keep treasure?"
"Um. Yes and no." Merlin told them as he led them past a few wary tourists. Gwaine paused to stare at a nude statue until Merlin and Leon circled back to collect him. "It is a collection of artifacts throughout history. The museum keeps them safe but also allows us to see them." He explained and pointed to a painting on the wall. "Guess who that is."
Leon leaned forward and read the plaque.
"...Alfred the Great. The King of Wessex."
"You cheated, but okay." Merlin rolled his eyes "He came along a couple hundred years after you guys. Technically, he's related to you, Gwaine."
Gwaine stared. Merlin supposed he probably should have started it off with 'you didn't have a kid' considering how white the man went.
"Your sister," He reminded him "Your sister had a children and Alfred was descended from her children's children's...Children." He said, trying to do the math, and Gwaine's expression cleared. "He's actually one of the greatest kings in English history." He told them, looking at the painting. He had always liked Alfred. Another king he strove to protect and advise. Alfred had lived to fifty so at least he was more successful there.
"Greater than Arthur?" Gwaine asked, looking giddy at the idea. Leon scowled.
"Well...Actually, Arthur is kind of a legend." He sighed. The pair stared. "There isn't much evidence that him - or any of you - were real. People think he's like a storybook character." He admitted, stuffing his hands into his pockets. It was a bit of a bitter situation for him. Merlin had fought so hard for his friend...And now his feats would be scoffed at as tales of children.
"Oh." Gwaine frowned "Um...Some of that stuff over there looks like it is from our time." He tried, pointing a bit towards the opposite end of the museum. Merlin nodded. There was a very small selection of items and most were disintegrated or falling apart but... He supposed a few things had held up. He was leading them over when a loud voice caught his attention.
"It's mine!"
Here they go again...
"Sir, this belongs to the museum." Someone replied and Gwaine hit Leon's shoulder in excitement, probably also recognizing the first voice. Slowly, the leaned over to see a very perturbed Elyan pointing at helmet encased in glass. Like the other two, he was dressed in his armor which probably didn't make the employee he was talking to any more at ease.
"I know no museum," Elyan spat "I just know that helmet is rightfully mine. It was even inscribed the my sister - the queen herself." He added and Merlin could see the confusion rise more at that comment. No doubt they probably thought he was referring to Elizabeth II. "And you have clearly taken awful care of it! It has rust on it and the metal looks so weak." He complained.
"Hi Elyan!" Leon called. "They stole your helmet?" He asked and Merlin cleared his throat, glaring at him as Elyan spun around with a gasp.
"My friends!" He beamed "You...Where are we?" He whispered "I see you are dressed like the residents of this strange land but I can't say I understand the practicality of such clothes...And they restrict the use of things like swords!" He added loudly over his shoulder and Merlin closed his eyes.
"Did you try to bring a sword in here?"
"The man up front said I couldn't bring it in." Elyan grumbled "This doesn't look to be a dining hall or peace chamber to me so I'm not sure why I had to hand it over. Nevertheless, I still have my knives so no worries."
"Lucky!" Gwaine grumbled "Merlin wouldn't let us bring any knives."
Right...This could have gone a lot worse. If getting strange looks in a museum was all this entailed than Merlin could totally handle that. Patting Elyan's arm in welcome, he brushed past to where the employee was watching with askance.
"Hi." He greeted, leading them away from exhibit towards an empty hallway "I'm so sorry about my friend. It's a long story. I can get him out of here. I just-"
Whatever else he was about to say was cut off by a large crash and the wailing of an alarm. Merlin swallowed. Okay. So...Maybe he had overestimated his friends a little here. Clearly, he couldn't leave them alone for more than five seconds. Another employee came bursting in, walkie-talkie in hand.
"Martin. Some guy just stole the fifth century helmet!" She said, gasping for breath. Alright. Understandable. He wanted to helmet back. Merlin could fix this "Also, in trying to get away with it he ruined four artifacts. One of our statues are in pieces. A da Vinci painting is on fire."
...how the Hell did they get to the da Vinci section so fast?!
Merlin stood up but the man pointed a finger at him, face red with anger. From somewhere in the museum he could hear more crashing. Probably more priceless historical pieces that could never be recovered. He looked up at the ceiling.
"You," The employee growled "Are being arrested as an accomplice for this."
"You'll have to keep him here for awhile. The police are dealing with that bank robbery a few blocks down the road." The other employee added in warily.
Normally, Merlin might laugh. With his magic he had nothing to fear in terms of being caught. Hell, he could maybe even repair the museum...Maybe. Kind of. At any rate, being locked up wasn't a threat. He could even escape now if he wanted to. He could grab the knights, let Elyan keep his damn helmet and get them all away from this place free and unscathed.
Instead he just nodded.
"Yeah...Yeah, that sounds fair."
The Olympics were always fun. Merlin hadn't actually been alive when they were created (signifying how freaking old the tradition was) but he had since made it a goal to attend every single one since they started back up again. A fruitful tradition as it turned out because if he had seen this on TV...Well. Yeah. It would have been unfortunate if he wasn't there for this one.
"...this tastes weird." Gwaine informed him bitterly as he stuffed another fistful of popcorn in his mouth "I'm going to eat it but it tastes weird."
"I believe it to be cursed." Elyan informed him, narrowing his eyes at the popcorn. "Merlin says it isn't sorcery but," He snorted "I saw it turn from a seed to a white thing like that." He said, snapping his fingers. "Magic if I ever saw it."
"Magic tastes weird then." Gwaine shrugged and bit into another handful. Leon was looking at his shirt, mouthing the words written on it as they sat down in their sears.
"Merlin?" He asked "What exactly is an...Eagle of American?" He asked, tilting his head.
"American Eagle is the store the shirt is from." Merlin answered. He had planned to just let them all borrow his clothes for awhile, but for some reason his closet was strangely missing things. It might have been his magic again, but it was still frustrating. In the end he just went to the outlet mall and bought some random stuff. He leaned in, ignoring when Leon mouthed 'store' in confusion as he gestured for everyone to listen. "So, this is a good place to learn more about countries."
"You mean kingdoms."
"Nope. I mean countries." Merlin corrected "Kingdoms aren't really a thing anymore. I mean, technically there is the United Kingdom but...Nevermind. Let's not get into that." He said after seeing Elyan tilted his head to the side "Um...So countries are similar to kingdoms except they aren't ruled by kings and queens that have all the power. Usually power is distributed among a bunch of people or there is some other system."
"So...You come here to compete to see who has the strongest leader?" Leon said, hitting the armrest of the seat "Very good. How do the leaders fight? Battle axe? Swords? Is it to the death or just to the point of humiliation?"
Merlin nodded. Right. He had gotten twenty-six different teaching credentials over the course of his eternal life and he still wasn't prepared for this.
"Um, as amazing as that sounds, no. This is just athletic competitions among citizens the countries. So, uh...England. Right? England is where Camelot used to be! So we're going to cheer on the English athlete today." He said, gesturing towards the arena "It's the fencing competition." He explained. The three stared blankly.
"Sword fighting. It's...It's sword fighting." He corrected himself with a sigh.
"Why is their armor so strange?" Gwaine frowned, mouth full of popcorn "And...Their swords look weak."
"It's not the same sword fighting you are used to...but, look. There's our guy. Marcus Johnson." He pointed to the crowd where one of the athletes were getting ready. Immediately the three leaned forward to get a better look. "He is pretty awesome. His parents died when he was two-years-old and the orphanage he was brought to was awful. He ran away from there when he was nine and started living on the streets. Long story short, he managed to save the queen's life and she paid for him to go to school and to learn fencing. He's basically a national hero."
"...you said there were no queens here." Leon whispered suspiciously. Merlin pinched the bridge of his nose. Right.
"Just...Watch them fight. Cheer on Marcus."
"Hey," Elyan noted "You know who this Marcus looks like? He's identical to-"
"YOU CAN DO IT SON OF JOHN!" Gwaine interrupted, pumping his fist the air "BRING HONOR TO YOUR FALLEN HOUSE IN WHICH YOU HAVE RISEN FROM THE ASH TO BURN FOR ETERNITY!"
"Alright," Merlin leaned back into his chair "Good talk."
The rest of the event went well for a few more hours. The three knights were well behaved (all things considered) and there had been no chaos of fighting other than what would be expected at a fencing tournament. He was just relaxing, letting himself believe nothing could go wrong when a gauntlet was thrown in the middle of the arena. The crowd fell silent and Merlin froze. A few people chuckled, probably thinking it was a joke. Considering Merlin had three of Camelot's finest knights next to him...He wasn't so optimistic.
"Ah, and who does this belong to?" Marcus asked, taking off his helmet to step into the middle of the arena and grab the gauntlet. That...Was probably a mistake. Before Merlin could think of a way to intervene, Marcus was thrown across the room. The crowd gasped and immediately security rushed in.
"...oh no."
"Now there's someone we can cheer for!" Elyan said and clapped his hands "Great hit Percival!"
"Percival!"
"For the glory of Camelot my old friend!"
"Percival, no!" Merlin choked out, immediately realizing what the problem was. Sure, Marcus Johnson was beloved by all of England - nay, all of Britain perhaps. He was a likeable guy who had been on the Ellen Show and donated to a lot of charities. Hell, he had a cameo in a few BBC shows.
...He did also look a lot like King Cenred. You know, the one that brutally murdered Percival's entire family? Same guy. Merlin even did some research to see if the two were related somehow (it was actually very possible). Percival scowled, looking baffled by his surroundings, but more fixated on where Marcus was rolling on the floor.
The crowd roared in outrage, a few glaring at where the three knights were still cheering on Percival.
"You fight in white armor now, old foe?" Percival demanded, yanking one of the fencing swords from another athlete's grasp "I was told you were dead. No doubt Morgause brought you back along with some other damned illusions." He yelled, gesturing around. Oh dear. Security was already here (and the cops had definitely been called). Merlin would have to cause a distraction to get him out.
"PERCIVAL!" Gwaine shouted, dropping his popcorn to wave his hands in the air "OLD FRIEND! YOU HAVE MADE A MISTAKE! WE NO LONGER ARE IN CAMELOT!"
Right. Merlin was just going to set the flags on fire. That should get everyone's attention.
"Gwaine?" Percival asked, pausing in holding the sword to Marcus' throat to look into the crowd "I thought you were dead!"
"Me too!"
"Oh my God!" Someone else shouted "FIRE!"
Elyan and Leon both turned to look disapprovingly at Merlin. As if he were somehow misbehaving by trying to help their friend not get sent to jail forever. As it was he was probably going to still use all his magical knowledge to get them out of this. Maybe even erase some memories. Scowling back at them, he grabbed their arms and nudged Gwaine forward. God. Lancelot and Arthur were still left... How was he going to keep doing this?
It was meant to be fun.
Merlin really should have known better.
"I don't understand," Gwaine said looking around with his arms crossed. "This is supposed to be Camelot? It looks ridiculous!" He pouted as Leon nodded in agreement. Merlin rolled his eyes and handed them all a cup of Root Beer. Gwaine immediately dumped his out, having already been 'betrayed' by the 'fake, spicy ale' once before. Percival was the only one who seemed pleased by drink. Leon and Elyan each took one sip and made faces of clear dislike. Merlin had to remind himself they weren't used to such high amounts of sugar as he tried to explain what was happening around them.
"These people have no idea what Camelot was really like...This is a, uh...Game. Based on what they do know." He shrugged. Leon looked at where a man walked by with a plastic sword and pointed to it.
"They think our swords were made of such meager material? Ha!" He said and the other knights each gave a belittling chuckle as the man in question blinked in confusion at the group, holding the sword a little closer.
"No, they just can't use real swords." Merlin explained "Look, it's just a bunch of people playing dress up. It's enjoyable how wrong they get it." He promised and pointed to the most ridiculously dressed up man of them all "See? That's supposed to be Arthur." He said and the knights all turned in unison.
The man in question had ridiculously long hair that flowed past his shoulders and was held in place by a gaudy crown with an absurd amount of jewels. Along with the beautiful hair was an equally glorious beard that was braided. Other ornamental trinkets adorned him such as a cloak fastened by a large golden pendant on his shoulder and bracelets. Gwaine whistled.
"Arthur wishes he looked like that." He said, holding up his hands to frame the man "Such...Elegance." He whispered before kissing his fingertips. The man in question rose his hands, silencing the crowd.
"Hello all!" He said loudly and Leon snorted at the fake accent "I am King Arthur of Camelot! And I would like to introduce you to the members of my roundtable." He said and there was a cheering among the crowd. Elyan opened his mouth.
"Us?" He said, putting a hand to his chest "Oh, how sweet. We've been remembered!" He said brightly and Merlin gave a slight shrug.
"Well..." He began, but fake-Arthur had already spoken again.
"SIR GAWAIN RISE!"
"Sir who?" Gwaine asked as a man dressed in a fake knight outfit rose "That's not how you say my name and - that is not me!" He gasped, catching a glimpse of the the bald knight with the goatee who was accepting cheers and applause. "Oh God...Why have they done this?" He whispered. Merlin grimaced. Maybe this wasn't the best idea now that he thought about it...
"SIR PERCIVAL RISE!"
"Oh, he is not nearly big enough." Leon clicked his tongue as 'Percival' also stood up to join the ranks. "Also, he would never wear that much armor. Ridiculous."
"SIR KAY RISE!"
"Who the Hell is that?" Percival asked. They all shrugged, ignoring the next man standing up. Merlin didn't have the heart to tell them that history painted the man as one of the more important knights of the round table...Also, he was realizing that Elyan and Leon were probably not going to be included in this... Maybe he should have just let them stay at home with the dogs. They all really liked the dogs. Plus, police were still bouncing around after that weird bank robbing and the last thing he needed was for any of the knights to be brought in for questioning over it.
"Um, maybe we should go..." He began, but froze when the last man rose.
"AND OF COURSE THERE IS SIR LANCELOT!" Fake-Arthur shouted as the crowded all erupted into cheers, bowing and offering praises.
"Oh, that one is perfect."
"Uncanny."
"He looks just like the real Lancelot."
"That is Lancelot." Merlin said in horror. The guy looked so ridiculously confused. Rightfully so. Merlin couldn't imagine a worse place to be brought to in the modern world. Imagine dying and awaking only to find people poorly impersonating your friends and most of the world as you know it made out of cardboard cutouts. Merlin ran a hand over his face. This wasn't working out as he had hoped.
"And, lastly...May introduce my dearest queen...Guinevere." Fake-Arthur announced, voice gentle as a blonde woman stepped to the center of the circle as the crowd oohed and awed. Lancelot blinked from where he was standing before clearing his throat.
"That's not Guinevere." He said, looking more alarmed at this woman being Gwen than anything else that was surrounding him at the moment. "This does not look a thing like the queen." He added and the crowd murmured. Fake-Percival puffed out his chest.
"Aye. I bethink not! You do not accept the fair Guinevere as the queen?" He demanded. Lancelot stared. “I reckon you would betray our king for her, no Lancelot?”
"...what? Why are you speaking like that?"
"By my troth! I heard the words of God and speak them to thou now."
"I...I don't...Understand." Lancelot said, shaking his head and lowering his voice to a whisper "I don't understand."
"Just play along, dude." Fake-Percival sighed. Lancelot put a hand over his mouth, clearly trying to process everything. "Now! Why is this not the lovely Guinevere, Sir Lancelot? Tell us your woes and trials."
"Uh... Gwen had dark hair, sir. And dark eyes. Her hands were worn from her days as a servant and-"
"Servant?" Fake-Arthur demanded "You call my dearest jewel a servant? She is only a servant to myself and the lord, Sir Lancelot."
"We...Need to intervene." Merlin whispered. Luckily, the others seemed to agree. Unluckily, their idea of intervening wasn't the same as Merlin's.
"OUR QUEEN IS NO SERVANT TO YOU!" Gwaine yelled in outrage "SHE IS QUEEN AND SERVES NO ONE BUT HERSELF AND CAMELOT YOU CAPE WEARING FAKER!"
"Gwaine?" Lancelot asked, clearly relieved. The bald man cleared his throat.
"It is actually Ga-wain."
"Fuck you. No it isn't." Gwaine said, pointing his empty cup at him.
"You claim this is an accurate representation of my sister?" Elyan demanded, crossing his arms over his chest "Ridiculous. This child looks as if wind could blow her over."
"The fair Guinevere was known to be light and dainty as all good women are, dear sir. And how could you claim to be blood to the queen? You don't have such a complexion."
Oh...Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no....
"What does that mean?" Elyan asked and Merlin would have done something except he was kind of frozen at how badly his two worlds were clashing right now. He'd almost rather deal with an angry griffin.
"Guinevere was blonde, dude. She wasn't black." Someone yelled. There was a long pause before there were some gasps of outrage and disgruntled whispers. Merlin slowly turned to the knights who seemed shocked. "Fine." The guy rectified, probably sensing the tension he had caused among the crowd with the comment "She could have been black but-"
”Really? She's a fictional character, asshole. She can be black and this guy could be her brother as much as the pasty white guy. Get over yourself.” Someone else said. Merlin was just going to go ahead and assume he was the pasty white guy in question. Before an argument could break out, Leon stepped forward, face bright red in anger.
"You...You dare...Imply our queen consorts with black magic?" He demanded. Damnit. Of course they didn't understand. "YOU SPEAK OF OUR QUEEN AS IF SHE HAD BLACKNESS IN HER HEART?!"
"YOU SPEAK OF OUR QUEEN THAT WAY?!"
"YOUR HEAD WILL BE THE PRICE FOR THAT!"
"DOWN WITH THE FAKE QUEEN!"
Okay. This was escalating too quickly. Merlin stood on top of a barrel, clapping his hands to gain everyone's attention. Lancelot saw him and waved. Before he could say anything, fake-Percival stepped forward.
"Down with the fake queen?" He asked and Merlin took in a long breath. He could understand why the knights were upset. They were defending a real person who was super awesome. The actors though? They needed to be less intense about this. "Do you wish to quarrel with thee?"
"I'll take your thee and shove it up your fucking-"
Merlin stepped back down. He had every confidence that his friends wouldn't kill anybody...And he was tired. It was fine to just let whatever happens...Just happen. Merlin would argue that his friends weren't even the ones being the jerks in this situation. Besides, Leon and Percival's arrivals were much worse. Lancelot walked over, ignoring the rising tensions between the knights in the actors to sit next to Merlin.
"Merlin." He greeted casually "I am beginning to suspect I'm not in Camelot anymore." He said and Merlin gave a weak smile. He had missed his friend. If he had more energy he would hug him and launch into a tirade of how lonely the years had been.
"I made a whole presentation for you to look through that explains everything." He promised and took a breath "I promise, everything is fine." He said and Lancelot bit his lip, glancing over his shoulder for a moment as he mulled over Merlin's words.
"...I think I've made a mistake." He finally said. Merlin paused in sipping Root Beer to look at him. "When I first awoke...I was not here. I found myself a bit north and followed the signs that bore Arthur's name." He explained. Merlin nodded. That was fair. "The first place I was in..." He shuddered "It was horrible, Merlin. The things I saw..."
"What sort of things?"
"It was this building with many rooms. Inside the rooms were children." Lancelot shook his head, looking disgusted. "They were imprisoned. Forced to look at boards and sit without moving. I think evil magic was involved." He told him, putting a slight emphasis on evil to make sure Merlin understood. Merlin, for his part, was getting a little nervous about where this story was going. "I felt I had to help them. Who takes such young lives as prisoners?" Lancelot continued, seemingly horrified at the development. "So, I emptied out the building. I released the children and told them to run. Then, I subdued their prisoners and tied them outside."
...oh boy.
"I see. Well. If that's all you did-"
"And once the building was empty, I burned it down."
Suddenly, the fight behind them seemed like the least of his problems.
"Damnit. Lancelot you burned down a school. I trusted you!"
Arthur, of course, was last.
Merlin suspected he would make a dramatic entrance. He was a little worried that he would be the worst of them all by just reappearing and murdering a bunch of people. However, as time went on he didn't have a loud Arthur trying to kill the queen or scaring restaurant owners by demanding their best food and not paying (as Gwaine had done the one time Merlin took them out for lunch). It was...Suspicious.
Until Merlin saw him sitting at a bar.
It turned out...Arthur was the biggest jerk of them all.
"You're telling me," Merlin began, ignoring the bartender putting another drink in front of him "You've been here for an entire bloody year?"
Arthur gave what could have been an apologetic look as he sipped his beer, looking around to make sure nobody was eavesdropping before moving his stool a little closer to where Merlin was trying not to have a complete meltdown.
"Yeah...Um, Sorry?"
"What the Hell is wrong with you?!" Merlin yelled, which sounded much louder than he intended the with bar being close to empty "How did you even... How did you not freak out and do something horrible when you realized you weren't in Camelot?!" He demanded and Arthur carefully slid his drink away as Merlin hit the bar in annoyance. "I - were you there when each of the knights came? And left me to do all the work?" He snapped, eyes narrowed. Of course. That was so Arthur he couldn't believe he hadn't considered the possibility sooner. "Where did you get the clothes? How did you get money? Or - you have a debit card?" He asked, outraged as Arthur handed a plastic card to the bartender who seemed not to mind Merlin's inane screaming.
The worst part of it all was he seemed to casual about the whole thing. Merlin imagined confusion, obviously, but also some...Happiness? Excitement maybe? Arthur seemed pretty neutral about seeing him which kind of stung. He had waited thousands of years for this moment only for Arthur to have greeted him with 'Ah. You found me.'
God. He was such an ass.
"I...Okay." Arthur said, taking a deep breath before fully turning to him and placing a hand on each shoulder "Do you remember how I died?"
"Do I - ? I was there!"
"I know that," Arthur told him patiently and looked at him as if waiting for something to click. It did not. Merlin was too furious for anything to click. "Merlin."
"What?"
"I was stabbed by one of my own knights, told you have magic, spent the entire trip dying and digesting that information, watched you kill Morgana, and then died in your arms accepting you were a good person and that most of what I thought I had done myself couldn't have been done without you." Arthur told him dryly. "All those revelations I had back then - even if it was technically thousands of years ago - feels very recent, doesn't it? And I spent my entire first life making you hide, lie, and afraid - and you still helped me. Do you have the general idea on why I didn't want to see you at first when I came back this time?" He asked. Merlin stared. He got the feeling Arthur was trying to make a point here but...Yeah, he couldn't see it.
"No. No I do not."
Arthur scowled at him.
"Well, you're still an ass." Arthur told him and Merlin gaped. He was the jerk here? Him? How? How? "I want to do things right this time. I needed to figure out...Well. What the Hell was happening, first off." He said, looking around. "That was weird. And very...Overwhelming. But also, I needed to figure out what the Hell to do about you."
"As tragic as it is, you can't sentence me to death here."
"I know," Arthur sighed, but he caught the tips of his lips tugging upwards. "But that isn't what I meant. I don't want this to go like last time. If I had known half of the things you kept from me then maybe..." He trailed off and Merlin looked down at his hands at that. "Not that I blame you." He added quickly "I definitely would have killed you if I had known. I'm just saying this feels like a clean slate and I want to make sure I'm not walking around with someone cleaning up my messes for me." He explained "The plan was, I was just going to appear at your house and have everything figured out and you wouldn't have to do anything."
Huh. Merlin narrowed his eyes.
That...Did make sense on some level, he supposed...And was a little sweet even. He wanted to ask how exactly he had managed to do all of this in the course of a year. Figuring out the modern world seemed like it would take many years. Let alone being as adjusted as Arthur seemed to be. He hadn't yet convinced Leon that the television wasn't filled with fairies.
"You know where I live?" He asked instead. Arthur shrugged.
"I woke up in your house."
Merlin hated him. He hated him so much. God, he loathed this man. He was the worst. The absolute worst and he hated him.
"You...My...?" He spluttered out, too angry to think of coherent words. Arthur's smile grew slightly.
"Yeah, that's also where I got the clothes!" He said brightly, tugging at his shirt, which - wait. Yeah! That was Merlin's shirt! What the Hell? "You were asleep every time I was there. I've also been eating your food."
Merlin buried his face in his hands.
"So...What I'm hearing is you don't have it figured out?"
"I was getting close!" Arthur frowned indignantly "And I was going to pay you back...If you noticed." He added and Merlin sighed.
"I can't believe I waited a thousand years for you." He grumbled and Arthur stared at him blankly.
"What do you mean?"
Merlin stared. Arthur stared back. Huh. He was suddenly finding where the misunderstanding was here.
"...Arthur, I didn't come back from the dead. I've been alive this entire time." He said slowly and Arthur’s face went white.
"You..." Arthur began, blinking slowly. "This entire time?" He asked, voice rising a bit in outrage. Merlin nodded. "I...I hadn’t realized that.” He said, tapping a bit on the counter. “I thought you just came back earlier than the rest of us." Arthur spluttered and went quiet for a moment. "In that case - you're a mess."
"Excuse me?"
"You had thousands of years to figure out your life and you still don't know how to wash clothes properly. There's even a machine to do it for you now!"
"Wait a minute-"
"And I know back in Camelot you were awful at following orders but I'm pretty sure the directions on how to put together a desk would benefit you."
"How many times have you been in my house?!"
Arthur shrugged, eyes bright as he grabbed a water and pushed it towards Merlin.
"I'm sorry.” He said sighed “If I had known you were here this whole time...I wouldn't have made you wait so long."
In reality, a year compared to the thousands of years before was nothing. It still felt nice to hear the apology though. He shrugged, running a hand through his hair as he smiled weakly at him.
"You're a jerk," Merlin informed him "But somehow easier to deal with the others. Leon punched a priest. Lancelot burned down a school." He said and instead of laughing it off, Arthur paused a little, looking down at his hands. Merlin frowned. "...what did you do?" He asked and Arthur shook his head. "Oh, God. What did you do?" He asked and closed his eyes. "Just...Let me know so I can prepare myself if the cops come."
"I'm not sure if it was illegal." Arthur told him quickly "The person at the market allowed me to take them."
Merlin closed his eyes.
"You're the reason I have twelve dogs in my home, aren't you?"
Arthur nodded. Well, at least that was one mystery solved.
"I also think I robbed a bank."
"How did you not lead with that? What do you mean you think-? You know what? I'll deal with it later." Merlin said, taking a long breath. "Just...Welcome back."