Chapter Text
[Chat: stop stealing my socks han jisung!!]
threecats: welcome to sex-ed 101
fairylix: lol what
hanandonly: hyung wtf
theyangjeongin: I am too young for this
angrybird: minho
angrybird: this isn’t what we talked about
littleprince: lolol chan hyung is glaring at minho
littleprince: also innie you’re a whole ass adult now ❤
threecats: I’m not scared of bang chan
threecats: he won’t hit me before a performance ❤
threecats: it has come to my attention that you kids need to be taught about gay sex
theyangjeongin: definitely too young for this
seungmo: jyp made us sit through sex-ed already hyung
hanandonly: there were diagrams!
hanandonly: I liked the diagrams!
angrybird: minho I really think we should do this at home in a safe comfortable setting
littleprince: the diagrams were super gross :/
threecats: hyung if we tried this at home they would all run away
threecats: so I found the perfect solution!!
angrybird: doing this while we’re stuck in traffic?!
threecats: well it’s not like we were doing anything else
handandonly: binnie hyung is sleeping
seungmo: that sounds like a good plan
threecats: no! wake him up!!
threecats: everyone needs to listen
fairylix: but changbinnie-hyung was so tired earlier D:
seungmo: he can sleep when he’s dead
hanandonly: task accomplished!
binbinbin: … I wish I was dead
binbinbin: what is this
binbinbin: has minho hyung finally snapped
angrybird: yes
threecats: no
littleprince: update: chan hyung keeps glaring
threecats: listen up brats
threecats: we need to talk about gay sex
threecats: because some of you obviously have no idea what you’re doing
threecats: and chan hyung is worried about you getting hurt
angrybird: minho is worried too!
threecats: there will be no bad sex happening in my household
fairylix: minho hyung loves us!!
threecats: minho hyung vaguely tolerates some of you
fairylix: ❤❤❤
theyangjeongin: may I be excused, I’m too young for this conversation
angrybird: innie don’t be embarrassed, you can trust hyungs with this ❤
threecats: yeah sit your virgin ass down and listen to hyungs
angrybird: seriously I feel like when we talked about this you agreed to be gentle???
threecats: must have been a different lee know
seungmo: innie is pouting
fairylix: innieeee ❤
fairylix: someone please give innie a hug from me ❤❤
binbinbin: sungie almost strangled himself with his seat belt, but I’m happy to report that innie has been hugged
fairylix: thank you sungie!!! ❤❤
hanandonly: ❤!!!
threecats: yeah ok can we get back to the butt sex now
angrybird: what minho is trying to say
angrybird: we feel that certain aspects of homosexual relationships have been left out of the jyp curriculum
angrybird: and we think it would be good to talk about this as a team
angrybird: because it can be very healing to share your fears
threecats: so who fucked a guy before
theyangjeongin: please stop I am but a baby
angrybird: minho please
threecats: not you, I knew that already
hanandonly: man minho hyung is wild
hanandonly: wait what
binbinbin: what the fuck
fairylix: hyung!!!!!!
littleprince: update: chan hyung is gonna throw minho into traffic
theyangjeongin: mood
seungmo: mood
binbinbin: chan hyung had sex with guys????
hanandonly: right in front of my salad!
fairylix: update: jinnie is giggling and it’s really cute!!
fairylix: chan hyung is sooooo red!!
fairylix: minho hyung is giggling too but it sounds evil ❤
threecats: oopsie ❤
angrybird: you snake
hanandonly: hyung
hanandonly: who did you have sex with??
hanandonly: was it another trainee??
hanandonly: why didn’t you tell me ;___;
binbinbin: yeah you said you’d only had sex with girls
binbinbin: can’t believe you’d lie to your dongsaeng </3
hanandonly: right in front of my salad!!
seungmo: you stuffed yourself with fried chicken two hours ago
seungmo: and now you’re snacking on cashews
seungmo: where is this salad you’re speaking of
hanandonly: right in front of my metaphorical salad!!
seungmo: ah I see
angrybird: I didn’t lie!!
angrybird: it happened right after the survival show
angrybird: there were a lot of emotions ok
angrybird: I was going to tell you eventually! It just kind of never came up?
theyangjeongin: you know what I’m glad I stayed
theyangjeongin: loving all this blackmail material
theyangjeongin: prepare to get roasted in the near future ❤
hanandonly: wait so it was not a trainee then??
hanandonly: when did you have time to pick up guys
hanandonly: you practically live in the studio
littleprince: please say it wasn’t park jinyoung
fairylix: jyp???
littleprince: got7!
fairylix: oh yeah
fairylix: wait was it bam bam hyung?
seungmo: please say it wasn’t anyone in day6
threecats: it was me
binbinbin: or the 2pm hyungs!
seungmo: minho hyung we know it was you who brought up this mess
seungmo: seriously
seungmo: not wonpil hyung please
threecats: no it was me
threecats: he fucked me
threecats: good dick
threecats: good times were had
threecats: 8/10 would fuck again
angrybird: lee minho!!!!
threecats: what
threecats: that’s a pretty good score you should be proud
theyangjeongin: lmao jisung hyung keeps muttering what the fuck
fairylix: mood!
seungmo: what did he lose points for?
angrybird: seungmin please don’t encourage him
threecats: he dropped me and I bruised my tailbone
littleprince: you only took away two points for that?
threecats: he kissed it better
threecats: extensively
threecats: 10/10 for his mouth
binbinbin: wow I am learning so many things today
angrybird: that wasn’t what this conversation was about??
angrybird: you were supposed to learn about how to have safe, loving sex with other men if you swing that way
threecats: stop doubting my teaching methods
threecats: we’re getting to that
threecats: so who’s still a virgin? I need to know what we’re starting with
threecats: and apparently some people don’t share with the group
threecats: for example bang chan
angrybird: I hope you step on innie’s lego
theyangjeongin: hey I cleaned it all up!!!
threecats: innie have you or have you not had sex with men or women?
theyangjeongin: hyung :((((
threecats: yes or no will suffice
theyangjeongin: … no
angrybird: minho don’t be mean
threecats: I’m not mean! You wanted us to share!
threecats: hi I’m Stray Kids’ dancing gem Lee Know and I have had a lot of sex with men because I’m very, very gay
threecats: yongbokkie next
threecats: jisung!
hanandonly: why are you asking me if felix had sex??
threecats: oh yeah
threecats: he answered me already
threecats: blushed and shook his head
binbinbin: cutieeeee
theyangjeongin: you made me say it :/
threecats: perks of being in the same car
threecats: jisungie~ sex yes or no?
hanandonly: uh define sex?
littleprince: WHAT
threecats: anal sex
binbinbin: you’re making it very obvious that you’re gay you know
threecats: what gave it away
angrybird: vaginal sex
threecats: no thank you
binbinbin: that
hanandonly: um no
littleprince: hannie had some sort of sex with someone and didn’t share ;___;
hanandonly: hannie has left the chat
littleprince: hannie can’t escape me ❤
threecats: binnie had girlfriends and overshares when he’s drunk
threecats: so now that that’s covered, let’s go back to how to fuck and/or get fucked
binbinbin: hyung!!
angrybird: gentle, remember?
hanandonly: wait you didn’t ask minnie or hyunjin??
threecats: oh
threecats: right
threecats: you see
threecats: I don’t need to ask seungjin
threecats: because I had to listen to their dirty talk at 6am this morning ❤
threecats: so I know aaaaaaall about how much hyunjinnie wants to sit on seungminnie’s dick ❤
binbinbin: I’m fainting
fairylix: aaaaaaaaah
seungmo: hyung wtf
seungmo: I thought you were sleeping
threecats: I was!
threecats: and then I woke up to you choking yourself on jin’s dick
threecats: seriously you shouldn’t try to take him so deep if you can’t take it
angrybird: wait I thought you said you had a sore throat??
seungmo: … it is sore?
hanandonly: wow
seungmo: hyung I’m sorry
seungmo: I didn’t mean to hurt my voice before a performance :(
seungmo: it was an accident :((
littleprince: I’m sorry too
littleprince: I kind of messed up
littleprince: minho hyung I’m sorry we did it when you were there
threecats: please just do it later next time
threecats: I could’ve slept until at least 8am
angrybird: we’ll be at KBS in five minutes
angrybird: let’s continue this at home ok?
angrybird: please don’t discuss this in the waiting room with staff around
angrybird: that means you minho
threecats: that’s fine
threecats: we can have your safe and gentle conversation at home then
threecats: good luck making the kids sit still ❤
[Chat: 0.1% chance of remarriage]
seungmo: how much did you hear this morning
threecats: a lot
seungmo: hyung
seungmo: please don’t tell the others what we said
seungmo: hyunjinnie would be really embarrassed
threecats: I won’t
threecats: for the record though
threecats: I don’t think any of them would say no to you
seungmo: and you?
[threecats renamed the chat: 0.2% chance of remarriage]