Chapter Text
CH 1 Spidey's Saturday
"Diego that is not how that works.. You can't just buy a net of potatoes and shove them up your ass.."
All previous conversations were aprubtly cut off by that sentence as the people on the table looked at a kinda delicious, frilly looking twink at the kitchen counter..
They were eyeing him like a steak because he actually looked delicious™ af.. And maybe lately the good portion of them didn't get laid in a longer period of time.
"I told you you should invest in that brand yeah.. You remember? It's 29 dollars Diego.. I know potatoes are very much cheaper than that, but they're not grown for those activities.. It's unhealthy, risky, potentially dangerous and I think you actually would die from embarrassment if you would have to explain to the docs in the hospital why the hell on earth you shoved two big potatoes up your ass right? "
There was a short pause then he smiled like he was in pain.. (like the happy crying man meme).
"yeah you should do that Diego.. And if that doesn't work please go to the hospital.. as embarrassing as it might be.. Yeah.. Love you too bye" he hung up, but before anyone could say something, the next call came up..
"hello Spideys talking?" he smiled like that wasn't a big deal at all..
Everyone was slightly gasping though.. they kinda guessed it was him but again, they've never seen him without his suit before..
"Brenda Darling, welcome again how's the backpain?" he chirped happily as he searched around for the ingredients for his breakfast..
The Avengers and others were confused to hell and back.. what the fuck was even happening..?
"Yeah? great.. Let's see if we can do 3 more this time then.. are you good to start?"
"no Brenda how often do I have to tell you this? You're fucking 84 years old we have to properly warm you up before sports unless you wanna break yourself something.. uh huh"
Peter smiled at something and then gave her instructions, how to properly stretch and actually after a few moments did it together with her, so the people could watch his physique working..
"Yes darling you're doing good, two more of them okay?"
"yes I'm proud of you. The dancer is still in you Brenda" he smiled and made the avengers smile too.. wasn't that just adorable..?
The actual 'exercise' lasted for total 15 minutes before he said goodbye, wished her blessings and said "till next Saturday Brenda, yes I love you too bye"
Peter slurped some orange juice as the next one called..
He greeted them.. Differently.
"Oh hi baby girl.. How old are you?" he asked, concern mixing with curiosity..
"5? You're so young" he sounded stunned..
"How can I help you today sweetie? How did you get this number?"
She explained and he nodded "I see your mom was right. Okay darling, yes I'm the real spiderman and I'll help you find your Simon okay? Yeah no worries" he reassured and they went together through every room and actually DID find the plushie elephant called Simon.. She squeaked so loud everyone could hear it..
"no need for thanking me, have fun with Simon yeah? Yeah.. oh then you're late! Hurry up to catch your bus Darling. Have fun" he chuckled.
He hung up and the phone immediately rang again..
"hello? Ah yes.. Yeah? why thank you, it was hard work.. what do you do for a living?" Peter asked out of curiosity.. Preparing sandwiches while talking.
"yeah? a carpenter? really that's so cool I really can't handle that stuff to be honest.. Yes everyone's good at something.. when did I? Oh uhm let's see pretty much from the start like when I was 5-6 probably.. yes you can always do something else.. of course okay Jimmy! byebye"
It was silent for like 5 Minutes while Peter ate his sandwich but then the next one called..
"Miranda? Your first time ohh exciting.. Do you feel he's the right one?" he squeaked equally excited as the girl..
Peter suddenly squeaked again but louder and startled everyone with it "really? Omg I'm SO happy for you! Do you mean what you have to do?"
"mostly it's trying to relax.. The worst part in this is your brain.. Yes it will hurt a little but just at the beginning if he's the right one hell be careful trust me.. Uhuh.. That's a good Idea Miranda.. Uhuh.. No.. Don't overdo it with the romantics.. A few roses and music is ok.. Yeah everything you get going to.. Uhuh.. Uhm oh that's tough… what do you mostly hear? "
His expression to her answer was priceless.
"Uhuh okay and what does he hear? Oh so you're like on the same page with that too. Choose a song you both like but play it decently.. Yes.. I wish you all the best luck and happy pleasure bye Miranda" he happily chirped sipped from his orange juice again..
"hello Spideys Talk around?" he greeted the next one after just mere 30 seconds..
"you found what? A snake in your bathtub?" he hysterically cried out..
He mouthed a silent 'what the fuck' to the Avengers.. Who then realised he fully acknowledged them by now..
"Thomas Why are you calling me on this?! Uh NO! DON'T DO THAT.. you should stay away from your bathroom, lock the door and call a wildlife service!!! yes.. Okay update me okay? Stay safe Thomas okay bye" Peter sighed, held his pounding heart..
Those were the most interesting conversations the people in the room ever heard..
"Spideys talkaround? Oh hello nice to meet you.. How tall did you say you are? Omg! I'm so tiny I can't even.. Yeah preach It sister.. Omg I totally get you.." he sounded annoyed and clasped his nails together in a bitch like move..
"Yes high school can be so boring yes I know and then this person comes to you and says something dumb and you think they're complete idiots but also kinda cute? Yes I got u. OMG all the time.. Yes.. How I survived? Lots of caffeine and music I guess.. Yes I know.. I think you should wear what you want.. Yes.. A neon pink dress? Why not? Yes do it please, send me a pic then? Oh okay, yeah show me"
He saw on his phone and nodded in admiration "it really suits you. I like the colour splashes...
no you didn't..?! You sew this on your own? IM shook.. Yes I did.. It was hard at first but I watched YouTube tutorials and then learned it step by step.. Yes update me on that cute girl you're after okay? Best luck for you bye"
Peter sighed in relaxation and greeted the next customer.. Jesus were they waiting in line for him? They just never stopped!
He suddenly seemed very serious..
"hmm.. Yes.. Yes I am.. I'm having an aunt who supports me on that.. If you don't have someone like that consider me as your new pal and ally okay? Yes.. I know it can be hard to come out and it's even worse if you got zero supporters but don't let that drag you down okay? You're a human being and nothings wrong with you, you are perfect just as you are.. It doesn't matter which gender you are, which language you speak, which religion you have.. Yes.. I'm officially bi but I might be full-time gay sometimes.. dunno it varies.. Yes of course you can be attracted to females even if you're straight or the other way around that's just natural.. Okay honey..
If you ever want to talk, call this number okay? You can call me out of Sundays too okay? Love you Darling don't lose hope, Spidermans on your side, yes okay bye" he kissed the phone before hanging up and sighed.. But he had no time to think about it because the next customer already called.. Jesus today the people were Insatiable..
"Spideys talkaround? Hello nice to meet you oh what? Today is your birthday? Oh I really can't sing that well but if you insist" he nervously huffed then chuckled at something she said and sang a happy birthday for Lilly and laughed at the end together with her.. "no problem at all hope you're partying well yes bye"
The next few calls were something trivial too until someone wanted to talk about the Avengers who then perked up again..
"Yes I know, can you imagine how hard it is to be surrounded by them almost EVERY day? I mean.. I could literally jump anyone of them all the time.. Yeah of course wouldn't we all? Thor? Hello.. did you see his buffiness? Yeah hello? Don't you think he would? I mean did you read some folklore about him? "
Thor slightly blushed at that, he didn't know the boy of spiders thought about him this way.. And the way the boy looked at him, he knew what folklore Peter was talking about.
"Loki?" Loki raised a brow, didn't think they would be talking about him too.." Yeah I know he's pretty hot too right? pretty lean but they're God's right? stamina girl do I have to say any more? " Loki snickered.. He really haven't spent much thought on the kid til now to be honest, but everyone would like a compliment like that… so he couldn't help but feel a bit flattered.. And of course they were God's.. Stamina was definetly a thing~
Peter eyed them and actually winked which made some of them flinch.. Peter chuckled lowly..
"Oh yeah Tony?" Peter swallowed nervously as Tony shot him an equally challenging and interested look.. "He's actually greying on the temples now yeah absolutely it truly emphasizes his daddy-ness yes.. And the intellect I swear talking to him is like very soothing for me.. almost the only one you can have a neat science talk with.. Uhhuh.. Yeah girl did you see that booty? Working out did great things to him uhuh.. He's delicious overall" Peter stopped and licked his lips in a seductive manner while sending him a slutty wink..
Tony couldn't deny that Peter's words and actions affected him.. He thought Peter was cute and shy oh Boi did he prove him wrong.. Tony also couldn't deny he liked the praise from his hot protégé..
"Yeah Dr strange really something else I know.. He's a famous surgeon.. Oh don't get me started.. such talented fingers, imagine what he could do with them.. Yes.." he sounded dreamy and Stephen who actually wasn't very invested in the conversations up til now suddenly listened too.. And Imagine someone like him in that position yes I know.." fuck wanted Stephen to know which position he meant.. Everyone wanted to know.
"Bucky? Omg don't get me started on that metal it looks delicious..what he could do with that alone mhm and it's so strong too~" Bucky who actually didn't even consider to be talked about blinked confused and his gaze immediately shot to his metal arm he actually didn't like that much.. Peter liked it?..
"Yeah I know he's very Buffy too supersoldiers huh? Yes his thighs are indeed delicious.. And let me tell you something.. he can be really adorable to be honest but don't tell him I told you.." Peter snickered and shot him an apologetic look which made Bucky grin and shook his head.. "Yeah.. Pretty much I guess.." Peter full-time grinned at her comment.
"Steve?" Cap listened while pretending not to..
"another supersoldier so another win in stamina" he snickered "and he's so strong too.. Did you see those abs? And thighs? I could get very comfortable on them uhuh.. Ready to crush you with them.." Steve blushed a little as Bucky snickered at that..
But Peter hadn't finished yet..
"his new hairstyle really suits him you think?" Peter nodded at that "I think so too" Peter shot him a lovingly smile "and the beard God.. I hope he never shaves it, the stubble burn yeah.. Well seems your mind is just as filthy as mines girl.. Uhuh" Peter snickered.
"what I imagine he would be like? Well" Peters gaze slowly wandered down Steve and he did a "hmm"
"usually he's very traditional but I think he has his wild side too.. Uhuh and he's like really good at drawing so he knows all the details and then takes advantage of them.. Hes a painter honey.. A painter~ Yeah I know" he sounded dreamy again.. Steve was very red and flustered now..
"Yeah you should write them as authentic as possible, people love it, when they have a feeling that the author knows the characters really well.. If you have decent questions, I will tell you… no worries or you simply let your mind do the job uhuh..
"Natascha? Yes beautiful isn't she?" Natascha just smiled at that "I know.. Yeah that would be extremely hot.. But I don't know if she would be up for it but Pepper looks really nice too so maybe.. Only would be hard to sort out who would be the top cause they both are really classy women and strong oh Boi.. They usually are pretty sweet but Boi can they go feral.. And also both are kinda like Alphas so idk but.. well it's fanfiction anyways, so my advice is.. Go for it.. I think she's very strong and flexible too. It would never be boring with her uhuh" Natascha chuckled Spiderman was right after all.. Pepper felt flattered too.
"Sam? Oh honey did you see his muscles? And he's so funny too that's a real extra on bonus points" Peter giggled and winked at Sam who looked at him in amazement.. "trace those muscles with teeth and tongue uhum" he approved and giggled again which made Sam grinning too.. Interesting~
"Clint? oh baby.. He surely knows how to please. He's strong too and very charismatic.. It might be a little rougher with him but he's a sweetheart at core and it really doesn't hurt to be straightforward sometimes" Peter giggled again and bit his lip as he looked over to Clint who already seemed kinda excited about it.
"yeah he's the one who's left Hm.. Bruce is really good looking too.. Not as Buffy as the others but very honest yeah..and it's not always about strength you know? He would be reserved at first so you would have to coax him out a little to show him that giving in can be very relaxing hmm.. " Bruce coughed a little embarrassed but weas just as interested to hear what the boy was thinking about him than the others..
"I personally prefer the thought that he would enjoy and savour every reaction of you so he would know how to please you the best.. Hmm.. Oh no don't worry honey I can take it, I'm not fragile honey.. Yeah.." everyone gasped again because he was right.. Peter was Spiderman he wouldn't break easily and he would have some real good stamina too… plus the flexibility, strength and obviously horniness of the youth, he would be an amazing partner.. Not that they didn't know that before.. Just.. Himself addressing it made it more clear to them.
"Did you note everything? Aww you have to go? Okay hun glad I could help, if you need help with the scienc-y parts don't hesitate to call again okay? Wait! before you actually hang up, what's your pseudonym? Ao3? Yeah got it I'm looking forward to it thanks bye"
Peter were kinda exhausted now.. He didn't think, it would be him talking so much.. He downed his orange juice, before he stood up, winked at the utterly shocked and highly aroused team on the table and sluttily splayed on the sofa before picking up the next call..
It was very interesting too..
Peter actually guided a girl through masturbation.. That was hot tbh.. And it just stoked the fire of arousal everyone currently felt because of the witty twink on Tony's couch..
Naturally Natascha and Pepper got the most out of it because it was a "girl" on the other side of the line and Peter seemed to be experienced as which movements and commands he had to give to make a woman feel really good .. Lucky girl~
Finally his phone shut down and he sighed relieved..
He casually splayed further and called MJ and Ned again, as if he didn't know what he was doing to the Avengers with his compliments and fantasies.. Looking like the most innocent teen ever.
"yeah you won't believe what happened in those 1 1/2 hours.." everyone flinched.. 1 1/2 HOURS?! They've listened to him for that long? A look on the clock indeed told them they did..
Peter couldn't care less about their shock, they've enjoyed it as far as he could tell.. Not his fault that they insisted to listen~
"Yes.. Diego shoved 2 potatoes up his ass ..yes I know he's quite the idiot.. Interesting people uhuh.. Well I don't know maybe Tony later if he's got time.. He's busy, you know? Yeah.. Oh one tall guy got me a video tutorial for churros I wanna try.. Yeah totally.. wait a moment" he did something on his phone before speaking up again "Sended.. ..A signed autogramm? Ned really?" Peter seemed embarrassed and looked over to Bruce who furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.
"nah Ned.. I don't think he would like that.. He doesn't like the attention very much.. Well he's here.. I could ask him if you want.. Ned seriously? No I won't… go get them yourselves then.. " he sighed annoyed..
Then the topic seemed to switch..
"Yeah of course I am last time was about three months ago.. The last time I remember at least.. I got hickey's though.. might've been with someone yesterday but I don't remember.. Yes I know that's bad.. I promise I'm trying not to do it again okay? Yeah because you aren't the one who's around all those hot and pretty people with his senses up to eleven.. " he sounded somewhat annoyed.." Yeah.. at 5:30 pm I know I'll be there MJ yeah" he sighed, hung up and stretched thoroughly, he walked then towards the still silent and aroused others..
"morning" Peter smiled as innocently as ever as he snatched some fruits from the table..
"you're all looking very tense somehow, could do a few things 'bout that" he cockily grinned and popped a few grapes inside his mouth..
Watching the few different reactions.. From blushing, to shock to hesitancy and amusement..
"People are really having the weirdest responses to everything I say" he chuckled and popped another one..
"I'm upstairs if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask I know about a lot of stuff" he grinned and actually turned to go but was called back by Thor of all people..
"so.. you are the men of spiders?" he asked and Peter was clearly amused by the choice of words he used but nodded..
"what were you doing there?" he sounded really curious and he was.. He never experienced something like this before..
"oh I set up an encrypted safe phone line for people to call me and ask me, or tell me stuff. It's called Spideys Saturday because I'm usually just doing it on Saturdays but people can call or send pics every time to be honest. But they respect that I'm busy and usually wait though.. " he smiled and shrugged.
"You have no idea what range of different people are calling.. its very interesting" he grinned and noticed their gazes at his taut belly where he was stretching..
"we actually never saw you without your suit so it's kinda.. shocking you're so young" Steve then said and grinned as Peter rolled with his eyes..and bickered "Mr. Roger's Sir im 19" which made Tony grin amusedly.
"you're just as young as Steve was as he was fighting in the streets" Buck mentioned with a smile and Steve nodded..
"What could you possibly gain from hearing those lowlife creatures problems?" Loki of all people then asked and Peter laughed.
"It's amusing and sometimes I get something in return, I can help people this way so why not? Modern problems call for modern solutions" he shrugged with his shoulders..
"Are you a student?" Sam asked curious about his age and.. Cropped Sweater..
"Yeah ‘am at MIT thanks to Mr. Stark. I'm taking engineering classes" he chirped happily and pointed to his crop top with the logo on it..
"It originally was longer but I cropped it though.. Ah uhm since I'm just here.. Mr. Stark, may I use the lab later for some studies on my web fluid? I had a few Ideas I wanna try.." he sounded really desperate and excited and that was cute as hell.
"yeah sure kid. Feel yourself like home" Tony's voice sounded slightly strained but Peter didn't mention it..
He hugged him shortly and whispered "thanks daddy" giggled at his quickening heartbeat and then went to go again..
This time he himself turned around and shot Nat a questioning look. "Mrs. Romanov may we train together later? I promise this time without my mask~"
She nodded smiling and then he went for good..
He was actually feeling a little sleepy so he took a nap and then was surprised at the company he had, as he woke up again..