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None of them expected to be together like this. A kegster is running wild, but the three of them just aren’t in the mood to party.
Why?
Because two of them refuse to watch their crushes dance with others and the third brought the pie.
As Bitty, Holster, and Nursey sit on the meager porch in the back of the Haus, sat down on plastic lawn chairs that Johnson brought in before he graduated, they’re sharing a blueberry pie and a 30-rack of Natty Lite, the typical day-drinking beer around the Haus, and stare out to the unkempt backyard.
They already know why they’re all out here, so they don’t need to confess their crushes to each other, but that doesn’t stop them from ranting.
“I don’t know why he makes me so crazy! I mean he’s hot, always had a thing for gingers, but still! Even when he pisses me off, I just wanna kiss him quiet. And now he’s dancing with Cindy. Fuck I wanna be Cindy.”
“Bro, trust me, you’re happier to be a friend at least than just a hook-up. Ransom’s probably going to take over the attic again with March, but it’s okay.” Everyone on the back porch knew it wasn’t okay.
“Oh guys, we’re all fucked.” Holster and Nursey gawked at Bitty’s swear, something he rarely does off the ice. Shooting each other a glance, the two bursts out laughing as Bitty huffs in indignation. “Like y’all never heard me curse.” Bitty answers back, taking a sip out of his can.
“Ch’yeah, but not this close to the kitchen.”
“Seriously bro, you might hurt Betsy’s innocent ears with your wild mouth.” Holster chirped.
“Oh, hush you two!”
With that, they calmed back down and began thinking again, passing the pie tin and eating it straight out with their own forks.
After they all had another bite, Bitty asked. “What are the odds our crushes are not straight?”
Nursey spoke first. “No fucking way Dex isn’t straight. Never heard him even talk about anyone who wasn’t a woman. Except for Hazeapalooza, with him waxing over Jack’s ass, but that’s the exception to the rule. He’s def straight.”
“IDK bro, I saw that look he gave when you talked about your hookup with Barry.”
“Ch’yeah, he looked scared at the idea of man-on-man action.”
“Nah, he looked scared cause you were ‘chill’ and treated sex as nothing. He’s probably super romantic and shit, wanting to wine and dine before going there.”
Nursey had the decency to think over Holster’s words for a moment before deciding. “Nah, he oozes toxic masculinity. Even if I get lost in those honey-colored eyes, he’s straight.”
Bitty just let them talk before asking again. “How ‘bout you, Holster?”
“Ransom may be bi, I think he’s hooked up with a football player before, but I just don’t think I’m his type.”
“Not your type? Oh honey, have you seen March? Tall, blonde, blue eyes? You’re his type too.”
“Maybe, but I’m his bro too. I don’t think he’d want to dick down his bro.”
Bitty and Nursey guffawed at Holster’s directness, even if they weren’t too surprise.
Calmed down, Nursey pointed the question to Bitty. “And what do you think about Jack?”
“I’va seen it plenty of times with Coach’s boys. He’s straight.”
“Bro, you know the rumors between him and Kent Parson, right?”
“Ch’yeah, rumor was it him and Parson were fucking all throughout the Q before his overdose.”
Bitty did not know this but dismissed it as quickly as he learned it. “Those are just rumors. If all rumors were true, then Mama would have stolen old Mrs. Devereaux’s pie crust recipe and used it to seduce Coach. And there’s no way that harlot would have a recipe good enough to steal, let alone one that could seduce men. Not like she wouldn’t have wished to have a recipe like that.”
Nursey chuckled at Bitty’s story as Holster stared unsure of him. “Bitty, did you just make that up?”
Bitty gave him a serious gaze, looking as though he was offended that Holster thought he made up that story, before cracking into laughter. “Yeah, I did. Mama always loves watchin' Golden Girls and I’ve seen the series once or twice.”
“Swawesome! Dorothy’s the best, with her sharp tongue.” Holster smiled at this, extremely happy to have someone else to share Golden Girls references with.
“Wait, what’s Golden Girls?” Nursey asked.
Bitty and Holster shared a look that screams ‘Is this boy serious?’ before Holster said. “Okay, that’s it. Pity party in Bit’s room. I’m grabbing my laptop and we’re watching Golden Girls.”
With that, they took their beer and pie upstairs, squeezing onto Bitty’s bed to watch Blanche gets engaged to a married man and Dorothy’s mother, Sophia, moves in with her, Blanche, and Rose.
And if they forget about their boy problems for the rest of the night, then at least the night wasn’t a total loss.