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Merlin sat, reading a book, on an old rickety chair in the treehouse in his backyard - one that he and his dad had spent a whole summer building when he was younger. Nowadays, Merlin would only come up here to read, to have some alone time, and breathe in some fresh air. The sun beamed through the various cracks in the slats of wood and highlighted the dust and pollen dancing throughout. The sun warmed the cool spring air wherever it touched.
Merlin looked up from the words on the page upon hearing footsteps on the ladder of the old maple trunk. A blonde mop peeked out of the trapdoor first, and Merlin returned his gaze to his book. He didn't want to do this right now.
"Merlin? Oh, good. I was hoping you were up here."
"Well, you found me," Merlin said, still reading.
"So...why did you leave the party the other night without saying goodbye?" Arthur's voice was timid. He stood in the middle of the treehouse, his head inches from the ceiling, wringing out his hands.
A few nights ago, on the Thursday night that was the beginning of a long weekend, Gwaine had invited the whole gang over to hang out. Arthur, of course, brought Mithian.
Lately, Merlin had been feeling completely left out of their group. Everyone, literally everyone, was dating, and Merlin wasn't. You could call him the eleventh wheel of their little group.
By God, even Gwaine had managed to get a girlfriend. Eira was her name, and they'd been going out for nearly two months now.
Gwen, of course, had gotten together with Lancelot during freshman year. They were quickly approaching their four year anniversary.
And somehow, sometime during sophomore year, a little something called /Leon and Percival/ sparked. Everyone was really surprised at first, but they soon welcomed it once they saw how happy they made each other. They'd had been friends for so long, but eventually neither could ignore their growing feelings. Two big idiots...in love? is something you could call it.
And amongst the rest of the couples is the serious relationship called /Arthur and Mithian/. They'd been dating for a little less than a year now, and Merlin was happy for them. He really was. It must be nice to have somebody to love you like they love each other.
Did Merlin sometimes imagine that Arthur was holding his hand under the dinner table and not Mithian's? Maybe...
But that doesn't mean he's not happy for Arthur. It just means that he can't tell him how he feels.
...Even though that feeling has been building up for the past five years and is slowly killing him.
But they're best friends! If Merlin were to suddenly declare his love for Arthur, that could create some problems. It /would/, most definitely, create some problems.
And so, for the past long, long while, Merlin has tagged along with his group of friends, whom always had their significant other with them too. And it's not like Merlin could only invite a few of the guys to hang out - that's not how this group works. They're /all/ friends with each other. There's no picking and choosing.
As a result of the ten-wheeled-plus-Merlin group, they talk a lot about dating, and love. And dating. How could a topic like that even hold all of their attentions for so long? It's /all/ they seem to talk about nowadays.
Merlin feels left out.
He's not dating anyone, he never has. He's got absolutely no experience in that realm.
So when Merlin's with his friends, nobody ever talks to him anymore. Sure, he tries to add things to their conversations, but they get blown right over - it's like he hadn't even said anything.
When someone would actually incorporate Merlin into a conversation, it would be to ask him who he likes, or has a crush on. Nothing more. And he could never give a real answer. He always shrugged it off and said that there was nobody catching his eye at the moment.
It was on the night of this party when Merlin had finally had enough of it all.
The group was hanging out in Gwaine's family room, and each couple was squished together on the sofas and chairs. Merlin sat on the leather armchair next to the sofa where Gwaine and Eira were, and Arthur and Mithian sat together on the armchair across the way from Merlin. The group was sharing funny stories that'd occurred on different dates, but Merlin stopped listening a while ago.
The sad thing is, he was completely zoned out and nobody even noticed. It's like he wasn't even there. Well, he had zoned out on everything and everyone, except for Arthur. Arthur, who brushed the hair behind Mithian's ear and whispered something in it, causing her to erupt into laughter.
It was such a small gesture, such a small moment between the two, but it represented everything that Merlin wished he could have.
Deep down, he knew that this feeling was jealousy, but he would never have admitted it outright.
Arthur's happy, and that's all that should matter. What kind of horrible friend is Merlin if a part of himself wants that to end?
Not /end/-end, obviously, but...just...for Arthur to be that happy with Merlin, not Mithian. God, why does everything have to be so damn complicated?
Eventually, at the party, Merlin had enough. He couldn't take it anymore. To just sit there and watch all these couples love on each other and laugh and talk, when Merlin desperately wanted that, craved for it even, and yet he knew that he couldn't have it. It was making him crazy. He was so frustrated and tired - of the fact that he can't just have what he's wanted for /four/ years, even though it's dangled in front of him practically every day.
Merlin silently stood up and went to the restroom. He slammed the door shut. Nobody would even hear it anyways. And they're in too good of a mood to care if they did. He scrunched down and leaned his elbows on the counter, tangling his hands through his hair. A wetness in his eyes prickled but he forced it back.
/It's been four years, I should be used to it by now./
Except he wasn't. In fact, all of his suppressed feelings were boiling underneath his skin, and he couldn't hide them for much longer. Soon, they were going to boil over.
Merlin's friendship with Arthur was already breaking, simply because of the fact that Arthur spent most of his time with Mithian, and he would never return Merlin's texts.
They would see each other once during the day, in math class, but they'd never really talk much then, unless it was about math. It's never been Arthur's strongsuit, but it is Merlin's, so he always helps him.
Nowadays, that's the most talking they do with each other.
Merlin scoffed as he turned the faucet on and splashed his face with icy water. He and Arthur used to be best friends. He even thought they still were, but upon reevaluation...well...best friends don't only talk about math and ignore the other's texts.
Merlin dried his face off with the bottom of his shirt and slipped out through the back door in the kitchen. Something was going to have to change.
Maybe the time for that is now.
"Merlin? Why did you leave without saying goodbye?" Arthur kept shifting his weight between his feet. The floorboards beneath him creaked as if nobody had ever used them so strenuously before.
He scoffed. "Nobody even cared that I was there."
"What? Why do you think that?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
He took the silence that followed as a no.
He closed his book and tossed it on the floor, standing up. "Oh, come /on/, our entire group is dating each other, and then there's me! Lonely old Merlin, who's never even had a first kiss! Can you believe it? And you guys don't even talk to me anymore, I can't remember the last time that someone had a real conversation with me. I might as well not even go to these parties anymore!"
"Well...you know, /you/ could strike up a conversation."
Merlin rolled his eyes, exasperated. "You don't think I've tried? Nobody acknowledges me when I do! It's like I don't even exist! And I've had enough of it! So that's why I left without saying goodbye!" Merlin threw his arms about as he gestured, his voice growing louder.
"...I'm sorry, I-I didn't know, Merlin..."
"Yeah, I'd figured that bit out." He paused, crossing his arms. "You know, the least you could've done is answer my texts."
"I'm sorry." He paused. "I've just been busy-"
"Nonstop for two months? Don't pretend like that's a valid excuse."
"You're right. It's not."
A silence filled the treehouse. Merlin didn't know what else to say.
Arthur cleared his throat. "Um, well, I might as well tell you that Mithian and I broke up."
Merlin's eyes widened, "you did?"
He nodded. "Yeah. On friday. Things just...weren't working out anymore. I don't know," he shrugged.
"Hmm." Does Merlin have a chance now? He can't stand to be just friends with Arthur anymore. Although it is a bit soon. But what if it's his only chance?
Coming out of his thoughts, he added, "sorry."
"It's okay."
Alright. Merlin's mind is made up. This had to be it. Granted, it's not the best time, but is there going to be a better one on the horizon? Probably not.
Merlin took a deep breath. "Hey, Arthur. Look, I need to tell you something." Merlin gestured to the chair behind Arthur and they each took a seat.
"What is it?"
"I think...for the past few years, and especially these last few months, our friendship hasn't been what it used to be. It's cracking and breaking away, and, well, I might as well just add something else to pile because I can't take it anymore."
"What? Are you okay?"
"Yes. Look, I can't.../just/ be...your /friend/, anymore." He took another deep breath. "I love you, Arthur." He forced himself to meet Arthur's gaze.
Arthur quirked an eyebrow at him. "Yeah, I know that, Merlin," he said lightly.
"What?" he shook his head. "No, I mean, Arthur...I'm /in/ love with you."
Arthur inhaled sharply and sat back in his seat. Merlin looked into his eyes, and for the very first time, he couldn't pinpoint what he saw. Was it happiness? Pity? Excitement? Sadness?
Merlin decided to continue. "And, I've hidden my feelings for so long, I just can't do it anymore. Our friendship isn't what it used to be and...I want something more. So we can be something more, Arthur, or nothing at all. But it hurts too much to only be a friend."
Merlin thought he would feel relief after finally expressing his feelings to Arthur, but he didn't. He was more nervous than anything, waiting to hear his answer. Tears swelled in his eyes, but he didn't let them through.
"Merlin," Arthur breathed, "I...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But...I don't love you like that."
Merlin tried to steady his crumpling face and weakly nodded. "Okay," he said, "okay. That's alright."
"I'm so sorry," he repeated, his tone full of sincerity.
Merlin shook his head. "You don't have to be sorry for how you feel. But - I don't think I can be your friend anymore." he stood up again and Arthur did the same.
"I understand."
Merlin sniffled and a choked sob escaped. He covered his mouth and placed his arm across his stomach. "Can you...go, please?" he said, not looking at Arthur.
Arthur nodded. "Yeah. 'Course." He walked to open the trapdoor and placed his feet on the rungs of the ladder. "Bye, Merlin."
Merlin glanced at him and their glassy eyes met briefly. "Bye, Arthur."
Arthur descended down the ladder and Merlin held everything in until he could no longer hear his footsteps.
After that, every single pent up sob flooded through Merlin, as his heart crumbled and sank into his stomach. He couldn't breathe - the sobs took hold of him, racking through his entire body. He fell back down into the chair and drew his knees up to his chest, tears pooling in the soft cotton of his pants as he rested his head on his knees.
/Arthur doesn't love me./
<><><>
Merlin spent the remainder of his Sunday night crying.
He tried to take his mind off of Arthur, and the lack of love that he shared for him, but he couldn't. Tear drops fell onto his book, and onto his pillow. Into his mum's lovely chicken soup.
Hunith had done her best to console Merlin, and they sat for a long while on the porch swing - her hand comfortingly rubbing Merlin's back as he tried to explain everything through his sobs.
Sadly, a broken heart cannot be mended merely by a mother's touch.
As disappointed as Merlin was, he couldn't help but feel a sort of closure. At least now, he knew how Arthur felt. There was no need to wonder, or to spend hours mulling over it. Now, he could move on. It would take time, but eventually, he'd able to put Arthur, and all feelings he once held for him, in the past.
If it weren't for seeing him every day in math class.
<><><>
On Monday morning after literature class, Merlin walked downstairs and through the hallway to math.
He sat down and got out his things, sketching along the corner of his notes, waiting for class to begin. Merlin was quite the artist when he wanted to be.
A few minutes later, Arthur walked in and plopped down in his seat - right in front of Merlin. "Hey," he nodded, doing so.
"Hey," Merlin breathed, briefly shifting his gaze upward, but Arthur was already facing front.
/Good/, Merlin thought.
After doing notes, the rest of class was spent working on the homework. Usually during this time, Arthur would need a bunch of help. Notes seemed to go over his head when the teacher did them, but when Merlin went through them along with the homework with him, he tended to get it pretty easily. Hopefully Arthur payed more attention today.
"Merlin, how do I set this problem up?" Arthur whipped around and set his paper on Merlin's desk.
Merlin looked at him for a moment.
Arthur's face suddenly fell as he looked at Merlin, whose eyes were red around, with dark circles underneath. He looked completely exhausted, and it was quite obvious that he'd been crying. "Oh," Arthur cleared his throat, "sorry, I forgot for a second," Arthur started to shift forward again.
Merlin, however, couldn't stand that sad, disappointed look on Arthur's face, so he stopped him. "Wait, um, which problem is it?"
Arthur looked at him wearily. "Um, one."
Merlin huffed (though perhaps he shouldn't have). Tust Arthur to get nowhere on the homework without him. "Just plug these into this equation, then take the solution and plug it into here for the answer," he said, pointing around at the numbers and equations on the paper.
"Okay. Thanks." Arthur shot him a sad smile before moving his paper back to his desk.
A few minutes later, Arthur turned again, saying, "did you get 381?"
Merlin nodded. "Yeah," he softly said, feeling those pesky tears prick at his eyes once again.
"Good," Arthur replied.
<><><>
Merlin came home from school feeling no better than he had yesterday.
As it turns out, not talking to Arthur was going to be difficult.
Merlin told his mum everything at dinner.
"I'm sorry, sweetie, I just hope it'll be a bit easier tomorrow."
"I hope so. If it's not, then there's no way I'll be able to move on." Merlin paused, picking at his spaghetti. "But I miss him. How does that even make sense?"
"Because you still love him, darling. You don't want to move on, but you know that you need to, and that it's for the best."
"Yeah. Yeah, I guess that sounds about right," he huffed.
/I still love him so much./
<><><>
"Hey," Arthur said, setting his books down and sliding into his desk in front of Merlin.
Merlin wanted to ignore him, but he would've felt too bad if he did. He didn't want to be that cold, so he gave a weak "hi."
Arthur turned towards him. "Have you talked to Gwaine lately?"
Merlin rolled his head up at the ceiling in annoyance. "Oh my God, Arthur, seriously, you have to stop. Please."
Arthur held his palms up, "I'm sorry, I was just wondering."
"Why? What did /you/ tell him?"
"Nothing. Honestly. I just told him that I had found you on Sunday, so there was no need for him to worry."
"Okay." Merlin looked down and continued with his sketch.
When it became apparent to Arthur that Merlin wasn't going to say anything more, he turned around. And by then, class had begun. Arthur didn't talk to Merlin for the rest of class, and he waited until Merlin had left the room before leaving himself.
<><><>
/"Come here, Merlin!" Arthur ran after him, parallel to the shoreline, sand kicking up behind his bare, quick-moving feet.
"No!" Merlin yelled back, sprinting with all his might so as not to be caught by Arthur.
He tripped on an unseen oyster shell and toppled over into the sand, scrambling to get his feet back under him to keep running. However, not before Arthur had caught up and wrapped his arms around Merlin's torso, picking him up. "I caught you! I am triumphant!"
"Put me down!" Merlin yelled, flailing his legs to try to shove Arthur off, and trying to pry Arthur's hands off.
"No! Not until you tell me what I am!"
"I'll never tell you that!"
"Then I'll never put you down!" Merlin could hear the smile in Arthur's voice.
"No!" Merlin tried to shout it seriously, but soon enough he was laughing.
Arthur spun him around, giving Merlin the perfect opportunity to get his leg wrapped around Arthur's calf and bring it up with his; Arthur fell back right on his butt, bringing Merlin down with him.
Arthur grunted on the impact, though never letting go of Merlin. "Say it!" he laughed.
"You're triumphant! There, you happy, you prat?"
"Yes!" Arthur let go of Merlin and he rolled off of Arthur and onto the warm sand.
"You idiot," Merlin huffed.
Arthur snorted. "I may be an idiot, but at least I'm triumphant." A smug smile grew across his face.
"Shut up," Merlin laughed.
The two spent the rest of the evening watching the sunset, lying exactly as they were, on the golden sand. And, consequently, tanning.
The sun was hot pink over the turquoise ocean, with ribbons of purple and orange intertwined throughout the sky. Its beauty was almost ethereal.
Merlin reached into the pocket of his swimming trunks and retrieved his blackberry mobile. He opened the dingy camera. "C'mon," he nudged Arthur's side, "sit up, we're taking a picture."
Arthur groaned, rolling his eyes. "Do we have to?"
"Yes, we do."
Arthur propped himself up on his elbows and Merlin scooted closer to him.
"Wait," Merlin paused, "we should get the sunset in it too."
Arthur groaned again and they each turned around so that their backs were to the sunset and the ocean.
"Smile!" Merlin said, turning his phone around to angle the camera towards them, with his finger hovering over the button to take it.
Arthur gave the camera a weak, slanted smile, and Merlin glimpsed it out of the corner of his eye. "Oh c'mon, you're going to have to do better than that." He poked Arthur's side a few times, which has always been quite ticklish, and a huge grin broke out on his golden face as he laughed. Merlin grinned too, though more at the fact that he had helped cause that brilliant smile, and took the photo./
He lifted the photo off of his desk, his fingers running along the edge of it. At the exact moment that the photo was taken, Arthur had looked at Merlin, and Merlin had met Arthur's wonderous, blue eyes with his own.
The rest of that night now only existed as a memory - shared amongst him and Arthur, and the very ocean, earth, and sky itself. Merlin wiped a tear from his cheek.
That summer trip to Arthur's family's beach house was the best time of his life. He and Arthur were best friends back then - completely inseparable. They hadn't met Gwaine or the others yet, and they were quite a few years younger than they are now, so there weren't any crazy dating shenanigans going on. Things were...simpler. So much simpler. It was just /Merlin and Arthur/.
Merlin stared at the photo for a long while, but soon the memories and the emotions became too strong for him. As he laid in bed they came pouring out of him, before falling asleep - exhausted.
<><><>
In math class the next day, Arthur didn't say a word.
Neither did Merlin, for that matter.
Today's notes were quite difficult, seeing as they even challenged Merlin, who usually understood everything right away; yet still, Arthur never turned around and asked for help.
Merlin was grateful, because he didn't know how he'd have been able to face Arthur after crying over that photo of them at the beach. Even this morning, those emotions still lay right at his surface.
By lunch, those emotions had receded a bit.
Merlin took a seat at a table on the outskirts of the cafeteria and read his book, while eating the lunch he'd made himself.
"Oh, hey look, there's Merlin," Gwaine vaguely pointed, holding onto his packed lunch tray with one hand.
"Oh, yeah." Arthur responded.
"Well come on, let's eat with him then," Gwaine ushered.
Gwaine and Arthur have history class together, and on days where they have tests, they have to eat lunch earlier than normal - when Merlin has it.
"Oh, no, I better not," he replied, nervousness lightly lacing his tone.
Gwaine snorted, "what? And why not?"
"Um, Merlin didn't tell you yet? We're, uh - we can't really be friends anymore."
"What the hell? Why not?"
"You should probably hear it from him. Just - go eat with him, and I'll take a seat over here," Arthur said, setting his tray down on an empty table.
Gwaine looked at him suspiciously for a moment before saying, "okay," and he walked off towards Merlin.
Gwaine, however, was no longer blind to how he and his friends have been ignoring Merlin lately, especially after his Irish exit from the party last week. He sat down right across from Merlin, and Merlin jumped, too enthralled in his book to notice him coming over.
"Oh my God, Gwaine, you scared me." Merlin breathed, setting his book down. "What's up? Do you have another history test today?"
He nodded. "Yeah, over World War I. I should probably figure out when that was, huh?"
Merlin jokingly rolled his eyes. "It'd probably be good to know."
Gwaine paused for a moment, choosing his words, for once, carefully. "Hey, Merlin, listen. I'm - really sorry - for how I've been, how we've all been treating you lately. It's not right and I need to be a better friend. I think we all do. I'm sorry."
Merlin gaped. He didn't even know Gwaine had this side in him. "It's okay, Gwaine. Really, it is."
He breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks, mate." he forced a small smile.
Merlin nodded.
After a beat, Gwaine crossed his arms on the table and leaned in. "Alright. So do you wanna tell me why Arthur here said that he shouldn't come sit with us? You guys aren't friends anymore or what?" He pointed with his thumb over his shoulder.
Merlin tracked the movement and saw Arthur from across the cafeteria. He was facing Merlin's direction, and his head was resting on his hand. He was hunched over and picking at his food. Today was porkchop day. Arthur always hated porkchop day.
"Fine," Merlin decided. "I'll tell you. You'd find out eventually, so it might as well be now." Gwaine nodded. "So, um - I'm - in love - with, uh - with Arthur."
Gwaine's eyes widened. "You /are/ ?"
"Yep. Have been for a while now," he swallowed past a lump in his throat. "I - I just got so tired of everything, and Arthur and I weren't really talking very much anymore anyways, so when he said he broke up with Mithian, I just...told him."
"So..." Gwaine prompted.
"He doesn't feel the same way. I just have to - to let it go. I can't stand it anymore to only be a friend to him, so, we're - nothing - now." He sniffled.
Gwaine placed his hand onto of Merlin's wrist and shook it lightly. "I'm sorry."
"Thanks. It's just...it's been so hard to try to move on, you know?"
"Yeah, I can imagine."
"God," he sniffled again, wiping his wet eyes with his sleeve. "I still love him. And it's killing me." He set his hand on his chin and kept his head down, trying to shield his face from Gwaine.
Gwaine got the message and looked down to eat his food.
A few minutes later Merlin looked up again. "Why don't you go sit with Arthur, Gwaine."
"What?"
"Yeah. You should. He looks so sad over there all by himself." Merlin gestured out towards him. "Plus, you better get him to run through World War I with you," he huffed.
Gwaine searched his eyes, only finding sincerity in them. He turned to glance at Arthur, and then back at Merlin. Merlin nudged his head forward in reassurance. "Alright. Okay," he started to stand up, "you sure?"
Merlin nodded. "Yeah. I'll be fine. I've got my book," he patted the cover, smiling.
"Okay. I'll talk to you later, yeah?"
"Yeah. Now good luck with that test!"
Gwaine rolled his eyes and groaned, "thanks, princess."
<><><>
On Thursday, math was even more difficult.
Arthur wasn't asking for help, though Merlin knew that he needed it desperately.
In fact, Merlin had half a mind to tap him on the back and let him know that he /will/ help, but he refrained. After all, talking to the man he's trying to get over doesn't make the whole 'I'm trying to get over him' thing very effective.
Arthur will just have to find somebody else to help him from now on, because things have changed - Merlin has to look out for himself before anyone else.
Continuing to help Arthur would only hurt himself more, and hadn't he been hurt enough already?
<><><>
"Good morning, everyone! Happy Friday! We should all have quite a bit of free time today, but we're going to have a quiz first. I want to make sure you all are understanding this new material." Mrs. Appleby gathered a stack of papers off of her desk and began passing them out. "Don't worry, guys. As long as you've been paying attention, you'll be fine."
Merlin rolled his eyes, nervousness suddenly filling his body. And although he couldn't see it, Arthur rolled his eyes too. Mrs. Appleby always said that, and it was never true. Her quizzes were always much harder than her homework.
As Merlin twirled his pencil between his fingers, he noticed Arthur's back rising and falling much quicker than usual. Arthur also started tapping his leg in anxiousness, which Merlin had only noted him to do when he was extremely nervous.
If Merlin was nervous about this quiz, Arthur was ten times more nervous. He should've helped him. He should've tapped him on the back yesterday and told him that they're going to figure this new material out - together.
But he didn't. He'd left Arthur; hung him dry. And now, Arthur was having a borderline panic attack, and it was all his fault.
He noticed Arthur's breaths grow faster and more shallow. His face squirmed in guilt, and he impulsively pressed a hand to Arthur's shoulder.
Immediately, he relaxed. His shoulders fell and he took a deeper breath. Merlin rubbed his shoulder until his breathing was regulated, just as a quiz landed on his desk.
/I love you, Arthur. I know I shouldn't, but I do. You're going to be okay. Deep breaths./
Arthur nodded shortly, at what, Merlin didn't know. It almost seemed like Arthur had read Merlin's mind, and answered everything with one simple nod. Then, Arthur moved his hand up to his shoulder and gently squeezed Merlin's hand.
After, Merlin slid his hand off of Arthur's back, beginning the quiz himself.
While taking the quiz, Merlin couldn't get that hand squeeze out of his head. He's sure it was just a simple thank you. Yes, of course, that's all it was - but a part of him thought that it meant more. Or, he supposed was more likely, was that a part of him /wanted/ it to mean more.
He failed the quiz.
<><><>
That night, as Merlin's mum left for the grocery, Merlin settled into the couch with a blanket, fresh from the dryer, and a good book.
A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door.
Merlin got up, sighing at the fact that he had to leave his warm cocoon, and walked to the door. "Mum? D'you forget your keys again?" He opened the door and his face fell.
Arthur stood before him, blonde locks dripping wet and covering a portion of his face. He brushed the hair out of his eyes. Thank goodness for Merlin's covered porch. "Merlin. Hi," he breathed, "I was hoping you were here." He stuffed his hands in his jacket pockets.
"Arthur..." his mind went blank. "Um - what do you want?"
"To talk to you. Please." He gestured with his head towards the inside of Merlin's nice, warm home.
"We can talk here," he said, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorframe. All he wanted to do was hug Arthur, but that would be stupid. He can't.
Arthur nodded. "Okay. Yeah. I...um, I have a lot to say, so I'll gues I'll just start." Merlin didn't react at all, so he cleared his throat and continued. "Okay look, this past week has absolutely sucked, and I don't think it even has anything to do with Mithian. I think it's 'cause...well...because I lost you." He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
Merlin quirked an eyebrow at him, unsure as to what he was getting at. Arthur continued. "I - I don't think I ever realized how much you mean to me, and how lucky I am to have you...until I lost you." He paused. "And, I think I know why none of my past relationships have ever really worked out well now."
Merlin's nerves spiked under his skin.
"I love you, Merlin. And I think a part of me always has, I just didn't know it. I couldn't really identify my feelings, you know? But this past week...I don't know, I felt so lonely, and I missed you. And I realized how much I need you."
Merlin's eyes were getting watery, his heart tingling. Arthur had said it. He loved him! But as much as he wanted to fall into Arthur's arms, he still had questions, and didn't let himself fold just yet. He bit back a smile and kept his face flat.
"But I wasn't worth your time for you to text back?" His tone colder than he had intended.
"No! No, not at all!" Merlin saw hurt in Arthur's eyes and guilt pooled in his stomach.
"I think...I think things were still so new with Mithian and we were so busy that I just...didn't...text you back. But that's what I learned: that I took you for granted. I thought we would always be best friends, Merlin. I never thought I could lose you, or that I actually would. So, I guess I just let your texts slip past me, because I thought that no matter what I did, I'd still have you. And that was so damn stupid of me. I'm so, /so/ sorry, Merlin."
"I know that we've been hardly talking lately, but, I think our relationship is special, because...we don't always need to be talking for us to understand each other, you know? I know it sounds crazy, but it's like we just...get each other, you know?"
Merlin nodded mutely. /Exactly/, he thought.
"I don't know," Arthur continued, "this whole week has just made me realize so much. Like that there's been these feelings inside of me for so long, but I never knew what they were. Except, now I do. Merlin, you're the best person I've ever known, and I /am/ in love with you. I'm so sorry for how I treated you, and how I took you for granted, but I promise, I know what losing you is like, and I don't ever want to go through that again. I promise, I'll never do any of that ever again. Because you make me so happy, and a better person, and I couldn't bear to lose you for a second time." He quickly wiped a tear from his face. "Will you be able to forgive me?"
Merlin's face crumpled. He couldn't believe it. He tried to hold a sob in, but it came right out as he moved forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Arthur, who practically melted into Merlin. Merlin cried into his neck, whose arms were tight around Merlin's waist. "I love you so much, Arthur, I forgive you, of course I do," he whispered, before another sob poured out.
Arthur breathed a sigh of relief. He moved his arm up and tangled his hand through Merlin's hair. He was crying too, although silently. "Thank you," he whispered into Merlin's neck.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, holding each other, and crying, mumbling sweet nothings to the other.
"I never thought I'd have you," Merlin spoke softly, "not in a million years."
Arthur huffed, a small smile breaking out across his face, "I never even knew how much I needed you."
Merlin smiled and pulled away from their embrace, still holding onto Arthur's arms. They met each other's gaze and neither could help but smile. This was a moment where no words need be spoken between them. A moment that was so full of pure, unconditional love, that it would be wrong to even attempt to put it into words.
Before Merlin knew it, Arthur leaned in, pressing his lips to Merlin's. It was soft and chaste at first, but it soon grew firm and tender, as all of those unspoken words had found their way home.
And that's the only way that either of them could describe this moment. It was as if they had found their home, finally, and forever - in each other.
Arthur pulled away, and neither could help but smile brilliantly after. He cupped Merlin's face, wiping away the man's tears.
"I have something for you," Arthur said, pulling a small, wrapped, rectangular box out of his inner jacket pocket and handing it to Merlin.
"What? You didn't need to do that," he said, shyly taking the gift.
"I wanted to."
Merlin opened the box and pulled back the white tissue paper that neatly lay over something. Behind it lay a plain, black picture frame. He took it out of the box and ran his fingers along its smooth surface. "A picture frame?" He searched Arthur's eyes for an explanation.
"Yeah. For that picture of us on the beach."
Merlin's eyes grew wide and glassy. "You - you remember-"
"I figured if I know you at all, that picture's still laying on your desk, and I thought it was time for it to be framed."
"I can't believe you remembered it..." he breathed. "Um, come on, let's go in." Merlin tugged at Arthur's sleeve and led him through his and his mum's cozy home to his bedroom.
He picked the photo off of his desk and stared at it, Arthur looking too, from over his shoulder.
"God, we were so young back then."
"Yeah," Merlin sniffled, "but look how happy we are," he smiled softly, recalling that beautiful moment.
"It's so weird," Arthur said after a moment, "I just started thinking back on it a few days ago. That trip was so much fun." He placed his arm around Merlin's waist.
"I know. It was the best. That /is/ weird, I was thinking about it a few days ago too."
/Soulmates/, Merlin thought.
"Hmm. Well, I still don't know why you love this picture so much. It's really not that great of quality, I mean it was taken on your /blackberry/, Merlin. That thing's ancient."
Merlin snorted. "I love this picture because it's so beautiful. It captures your true smile, which you hardly ever let cameras do. That, and, well...you see how I'm looking at you?"
Arthur nodded.
"Well, this was the /exact moment/ when I realized how I felt about you. When I suddenly knew what all of my feelings were, what they meant. This...smile, that we're sharing...it's when I realized that I love you." Merlin wiped his face of his tears, chuckling softly at how cheesy that sounded.
Arthur was silent. Merlin imagined he was thinking of just how long he's lived without telling Arthur his true feelings. He imagined apologies flooding Arthur's mind.
"Arthur, you don't need to apologize." Merlin put his arm around the blonde's back and leaned into his chest. "If I could do it again differently, I wouldn't change a thing. Because we're /here, now, together/, and that's all I've ever wanted."
Merlin felt Arthur's muscles relax. "I love you," was all he said. And that was perfectly enough.
Merlin dusted his desk off and placed the newly framed photo on top. "It's perfect, Arthur. Thank you so much," Merlin kissed Arthur's cheek, eliciting a smile from him.
"Of course."
The pair of lovebirds spent the next hour talking and cuddling, placing soft kisses on lips and cheeks and foreheads and shoulders here and there, whenever they wanted, because they could.
"How did you do on the quiz, Merlin?" Arthur said, sitting beside him on the bed, legs outstretched, their hands interlocked.
Merlin winced. "Bad. I failed."
"Nice. Me too," he chuckled.
"Well, now I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to study together," he snickered.
"Definitely. I'll be needing it. Oh, and um - thanks, for uh, you know - calming me down before the quiz earlier today. Math had been really stressing me out this week, what without us going though it and all, and when she announced that pop quiz I just got so anxious and nervous all of a sudden. You really helped me calm down."
Merlin's heart felt tingly; he didn't know that his little shoulder rub had been so helpful. It touched him more than it seemed was right - to know how welcomed it was.
"Of course, Arthur. I'm sorry I didn't help more."
"No no no," he squeezed Merlin's hand, "you had no reason to help me at all in the first place, but I'm so grateful you did what you did."
"Even if you weren't triumphant in the end?" Merlin innocently looked at Arthur through his dark lashes.
"Hey!" Arthur laughed. "I /am/ triumphant!"
"Mmmm, not at math apparently."
"Oh, shut up you prat."
"So you admit it then? You're not triumphant?"
"No no, I never said that."
"Yes you did! And now /I'm/ the triumphant one!"
Arthur gasped in mock-surprise. "No!"
"Yes! I'm triumphant!"
Arthur rolled his eyes, all in good fun.
"Merlin! Come help me with the groceries, please!" Hunith yelled from the kitchen.
"Oh, Mum's back," Merlin said, hopping off the bed. Arthur followed.
His bedroom door clicked open and Hunith heard it, saying "there's a car on the street that looks a lot like Arthur's, honey," as she rummaged through the bags and put things away.
Merlin and Arthur walked shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand down the hallway. Their smiles were as bright as the sun. "Go on, say it." Merlin pressed. "Say I'm triumphant."
"I won't say it," he chuckled.
"It's fine. I can wait. I'll get you to say it one day."
"Yeah, sure. You can try, but you won't succeed."
"I don't /know/," Merlin sang.
On her way back outside to fetch more groceries, Hunith walked past the hallway, barely turning her head to greet Merlin, when she saw two figures in her peripheral. She turned all the way, and her eyes flickered quickly from Merlin to Arthur, noting their grins, and then their interlocked hands held by their sides. "Oh," she gasped happily, a sweet smile forming at her lips.
"Mum," Merlin started as they both approached her. "He loves me too," Merlin whispered jokingly to her, blocking his mouth from Arthur's view, knowing full well that he could hear what was said. Arthur blushed.
"Oh, that's so lovely," she sighed, relieved. "I'm so happy for you two. We've missed having you around, Arthur."
"Yes, well, I'd love nothing more than to be around more often, Ms. Emrys."
"You can call her Hunith, you know," Merlin said, poking Arthur's side.
Hunith chuckled.
The two went outside, Merlin leading the way, and got the rest of the groceries while Hunith stayed inside, putting them away.
By then, the rain had stopped and the sun had come out, leaving a fresh golden haze to everything it touched.
In the grass, Arthur grabbed Merlin's forearm and spun him around, bringing him into his arms. Merlin gasped, grinning in surprise. They were so close - their noses touched. "You really want me to say it?" Arthur asked, smiling.
Merlin nodded.
"Fine."
Arthur kissed Merlin softly.
"You're triumphant," he said after breaking away.
Merlin's smile grew. "Hmm, maybe we both are," he said, leaning his forehead into Arthur's, soaking in this wonderful moment.
This wonderful moment. Like the way the sun's golden haze illuminated Arthur's hair, and his ocean blue eyes which had nothing but love in them. The scent of rain still lingering in the warm air. The way that Arthur smelled like the ocean itself, combined with the fresh pines that grow in the most beautiful of mountains. And most importantly, Arthur's smile.
Worth more than the world itself.
No camera could ever capture the true beauty of this moment.
And this beauty was Merlin's life, now and forever.