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It had been the longest eight hours of her life as Clarke walked back from Mount Weather. The burden of her actions was weighing down on her like an anchor as it dragged her down deeper into the pit of guilt she was sinking in.
With each step she took, it was a reminder of her actions and her sins. Over the past few days in order to save her people, she had done terrible things. And while she would do it again in an instant, she had lost a part of herself. She had lost her humanity.
She couldn’t see their faces each day and be constantly reminded of her actions.
She had to leave; it was the only way she would be able to live with herself and what she had done. So she decided while walking, that as soon as her people were safely back at camp, she would leave; take off by herself into the world.
“I think we deserve a drink,” Bellamy said as he made his way over to her. They had just walked through the gates, and she had already begun to try and slip away. He looked worn out, both from the trek and what he had gone through. She felt a sinking feeling in her stomach; if it weren’t for her, he never would have been in the Mountain in the first place.
“Have one for me,” she said, trying to sound light. She didn’t need him to bear her burdens.
“Hey, we’ll get through this,” he said, as he continued to look out onto their people.
Clarke bit her lip, trying not to let the tears that she had been fighting off for so long, fall.
“I’m not going in,” she said, shaking her head. She couldn’t, and she hoped that he would understand.
He turned to look at her, “If you need forgiveness, I’ll give that to you,” he said, echoing the words she had spoken to him not all that long ago. She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry at how much had changed in such a short time. “You’re forgiven. Please, come inside,” he pleaded.
“Take care of them for me,” she said as she swallowed.
“Clarke,” he tried, moving closer to her.
“I see their faces every day, and it’s just going to remind me of what I did to get them here,” she said, hoping to get through to him. She needed him to understand why she had to go. She needed him to let her.
“What we did,” he insisted. His hand had been over hers while they pulled the lever, but it had been her that had pushed for it. She was the one that insisted that it was their only chance. She had killed all those innocent men and women; and all the children! She had killed Maya. And it was all on her.
It made her a monster, capable of wiping out an entire civilization that had lasted the 97 years after the War. She had seen the way her mother and Octavia looked at her; she felt it too.
Everything she touched always had a way of breaking.
“You don’t have to do this alone,” he told her softly.
She looked away, as she saw her people nursing their wounds and seeming more together than they had in a long time. If she were gone, then they would continue to progress happily and without the darkness of her actions lingering over the camp.
“I bear it, so they don’t have to,” she repeated the old man’s words. It had never felt so relevant than in that moment.
“Where are you going to go?” he asked her, sadness creeping into his eyes.
She gulped; he always had an effect on her. At least now he would be free.
“I don’t know,” she admitted after a moment of thought. Everything she knew about Earth was from the books, and so much had changed since they were recorded.
She leaned in and pressed a kiss against his cheek, before embracing him tightly. His arms wrapped around her.
“May we meet again,” she said, voice breaking, before reluctantly pulling away.
And so she walked out of the camp, finally allowing those tears that she had been holding back for so long to fall.
“Clarke,” Bellamy’s gruff voice said. She stopped in her tracks, and turned when he placed his hand on her arm. “We all have light and dark inside of us. What we did, we did together. And if you think none of them are going to bear the burden of it, you’re so far off wrong, I don’t even know what to say. We all are going to carry this with us. You’re not alone. So stay, Clarke. Because the pain of what we did will never completely go away, but it will get better with time. And here, you have people who love you and care about you.”
“Bellamy-” she started, but he cut her off.
“Clarke, we need you, I need you,” he said. And without waiting for her to respond, he used his hands to cup her face and leaned in before kissing her tenderly on the lips.
She placed a hand over one of his, as she kissed him back.
It was the third person she had kissed in the last week. But there was something different with this than the other two. Finn’s was under the pretense of his death; and Lexa’s was purely for whatever passion she had for Clarke. But with Bellamy with was light; lighter than anything she had felt in a long time. So she kissed him, deepening it.
And when they pulled away she was breathless.
“Please stay,” Bellamy asked, eyes tracing hers, searching for any sign that she was still planning on leaving. But there was none there.
She nodded, “Okay,” she said. And maybe that was selfish of her to do. But if one thing had become clearer to her, it was that she needed him, more than she had realized.
He smiled softly, as his hands threaded hers. “Let’s go home.”