Chapter Text
A soft wave of water washed over his toes, pushing sand under his feet and into his sandals. The water pulled back, leaving the uncomfortable grains of rock pressing into his skin.
“You have to tell them.”
“No I don’t.”
“Steven…”
“Connie.”
She sighed, brushing her short hair out of her face only for the wind to blow it back again. Her sneakers and socks were ditched a few feet behind them so she could dip her feet into the water with him.
Steven pushed his toes into the sand, gathering a sandhill in his sandal. He buried his hands into his jacket pockets. It wasn’t too cold out, but Steven felt safer with the jacket on anyway. “I can handle it myself. I only told you because you asked.”
“And what if they ask?” Connie said.
Steven hesitated. “They won’t.”
She turned to him. “That doesn’t matter, you have to talk to someone! You can’t just bottle this all up until it unleashes and you turn pink again! Isn’t that what you’re scared of? Hiding this isn’t going to do anything but make it worse.”
Isn’t that what he’d always done, though? It hadn’t become a problem until he confronted Jasper in the woods. So what if he couldn’t really sleep anymore because he had nightmares about Volleyball cowering away from him at the Reef? That was only because he came face to face with yet another of his mother’s mistakes. He could control it, as long as he didn’t think about it.
Steven looked at Connie. The sunset made her dark skin glow, and her hair blew gently across her face. She looked upset with him, her brow furrowed and her mouth pinched into a frown. He made her upset, because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut about all this… inside stuff. Stuff she shouldn’t have to worry about while she prepared for college, and had to focus on her schoolwork and other lessons. He hated how she looked at him now, with pity and worry. He missed when she looked at him with pride, her grin stretching across her face, the way her nose scrunched up with it. Now… he couldn’t stomach this. Her, spending time worrying about him . It was wrong.
He looked away from her, down to his sand covered toes again. “I don’t want to cause more problems. The Gems are all finally happy, and they don’t have to worry about anything huge anymore. I don’t want to be the cause of more worry or problems.”
Connie’s hand landed on his shoulder, and her voice seemed softer. “Steven, you’re not going to burden them. Don’t you think they want you to be happy too?”
Steven swallowed, looking out across the glittering ocean. The sun had almost disappeared, the red sky painting itself purple. They thought he was happy, that he was thriving. He couldn’t be the one to pull them out of that fantasy, not when they were finally able to grow on their own. Steven forced his lips into a smile, pressing his cheeks up, pulling and stretching, until a grin graced his lips. Everyone had enough to worry about, he didn’t need to add to the list of things. He didn’t even want to talk about it to begin with, it wasn’t anyone’s problem but his. Connie shouldn’t have to fix him .
He turned his fakefakefake smile toward her. “Okay. I’ll talk to them. But I promise, I’m really okay. It’s not that bad.”
Connie’s hand slid off his shoulder, trailed down his arm, and dropped to her side. She looked like she didn’t believe him. He forced his smile to reach his eyes. She knew him too well. He forced himself to relax, his posture to be open. She needed to believe him. I’m fine. Maybe if he thought it enough, he’d believe it too.
“If you promise,” Connie said, weary, searching his face. “Promise me you’ll talk to someone and you won’t keep all this hidden.”
“Of course!” He lied, tilting his head, smile still on his lips. It felt normal - he’d forced a relaxed smile for so long now, it kind of surprised him how natural it felt. How natural it felt to lie. “I promise I’ll talk to them. Dad and the Gems.”
Connie seemed to finally relax. She drew him into a hug and he pulled his hands out of his jacket pockets to hug her back. It was dark now, the sun gone below the horizon and the stars flickering to life above them. Connie felt warm.
“I’ll see you later,” Connie said, pulling back with a smile. She stepped away and picked up her shoes, gave him a wave, and left to walk toward the boardwalk where her parent’s car would be waiting.
As soon as she disappeared behind the temple’s mountain, Steven dropped the smile and sighed. He pulled his jacket tighter around himself - the breeze from the ocean was warm, but the hole in his chest felt chilling. He wished she’d never asked, and that he’d never needed to lie to her. He could’ve kept it up - faking it through every day, hoping at some point it’d feel real.
Connie had mentioned that he looked really tired, and Steven told her he’d been having nightmares about turning pink, and the destructive power that came with it. He feared hurting someone, being like his mother, and didn’t know what to do other than avoid thinking about the things that seemed to trigger it. He didn’t think it’d be such a big deal to her, but it was. Which was exactly why he hadn’t told anyone.
He didn’t need to burden his family when they were all finally happy.
I’m fine. I can control it, just… don’t think about it.
The coldness in his chest settled into his stomach, feeling like a stone. His fingers felt cold, and he dug them into his arms, wrapped around himself. Maybe it was getting harder to feel anything besides apathy because he was getting too good at pushing away the emotions he didn’t want to deal with. Why should it matter, though, if it was easy enough to fake being happy that he could almost convince himself he is happy? Why does it matter, as long as other people believed him, and they could be happy?
Steven wasn’t quite sure he remembered what happiness felt like.
“Hey Steven!”
He whipped around and saw Amethyst standing on the porch, the light from inside the house spilling out around her while she leaned against the railing. Her grin looked genuine, and her purple hair blew off her shoulders with the night breeze.
She called down to him, “You gonna stand out there like a creep all night or help me devour this pot of mac ‘n cheese I just made?”
He wasn’t hungry, and the thought of eating something so warm and slimy made him feel a little nauseous. Exhaustion crept into his bones, thinking about having to keep this up for a few more hours. Regardless - he smiled, because that’s what he did, so easily , and called to her, “Duh! I’ll be right up!”
As he made his way to the steps that led up to their home, he took a deep breath. Nobody even noticed anything besides Connie. If anyone else asked why he looked tired, he’d just say he’d been staying up too late. He didn’t want to talk about all the swirling thoughts in his brain or the cold, heavy stone in his stomach. He just wanted everything to be okay, and he’d been pretending it was for so long now, he could keep it up forever if he had to.
Even as resentment grew in his gut, electric and hot.
So, when he stepped inside with the beautiful lie of a smile on his face, he acted. He acted normal, and realized that this wasn’t the first time he had done this. And maybe that’s all he’d been doing for a long time.
Exhausted from trying to keep it together in front of Amethyst, he escaped up to his room as soon as he had finished trying to eat. He knew the purple gem tried her best to cheer him up, and she could tell something was off but thankfully hadn’t tried to talk about anything heavy. Keeping things light had always been something she excelled at.
After the fourth time Amethyst had to call his name to get his drifting attention back, he gave her a weak chuckle and told her he was heading to bed. Steven wasn’t sure why he felt so exhausted all the time now, he didn’t do any excruciating activity, especially now that he wasn’t helping run Little Homeschool.
He kicked off his sandals and threw his jacket on the floor, slipped his jeans off and climbed under his covers, feeling like a robot.
It wasn’t until he laid back and his head hit the pillow that the cold ache in his chest climbed up his throat like a snake and pricked the back of his eyes. He turned to his side, curling up and clutching his comforter in his fists. He felt cold, but it spawned from inside him. A numb, bitter cold. Steven’s throat constricted as the first tears rolled out the corner of his eyes and onto his pillow. That’s when a shuddering sob escaped his lungs, crawling out from his mouth with an awful, broken noise. His eyes shot open and he clasped a hand over his mouth, more tears spilling from his eyes while the sobbing became more aggressive and desperate. He bit down on his thumb, trying to muffle the noise, not wanting the Gems to hear downstairs, but that only seemed to make it worse.
Steven shoved his face into his pillow, letting out a wail that wrenched itself from his gut. He didn’t know how to stop now that he started. He didn’t even know he still could cry, he hadn’t felt anything in so long. Nothing this intense. What triggered it? He felt… fine today, right? Just. Numb-er than usual? Apathetic? Maybe because more people seemed to be asking him what was wrong? His talk with Connie?
He took a stuttering breath, coughed, and rubbed his palm across his eyes, trying to wipe away the wetness on his cheeks and face. He gasped for breath, his crying becoming desperate, his breathing nearing hyperventilation, gasping and choking on his own sobs. It hurt and he could barely feel it past his cold fingers and the achy numbness consuming his insides. He covered his mouth, pulling his comforter over his head. He couldn’t let them hear, they were already worried enough. What would he even say if they asked why he was crying? Steven wasn’t even sure why himself.
As his crying started to slow down, and he didn’t know how long it took, it left him physically exhausted and breathing heavy. Tears had dried to his face and pillow. He thread his fingers into his curly hair and gripped his head tightly.
“Get it together,” he whispered to himself. I can do this, I’m fine.
As desperately as he felt himself craving someone to hug him or stroke his hair, he felt like that was something he couldn’t ask for. He’s sixteen, and he’d been independent for so many years. He could be okay on his own.
Steven wrapped his arms around himself, curling his knees up, trying to be smaller. His own arms around his body made for a poor replacement for his craving of touch. Now that he’d cried himself out, he felt hollow again. He let out a long breath and shut his eyes.
He dreamt about Jasper.
He dreamt of their fight, and he couldn’t tell if it was a nightmare or not.
“Listen, weakling. You might have Pink Diamond’s gem, but you are not my Diamond. And I am not going to take orders from some weak, sappy, useless piece of dirt! If you think you’re hard enough to tell me what to do - then fight me and prove it.”
“Fine.”
He had just wanted to help her. She’s one of the few gems he’d never been able to get through to and it felt like a failure - and he couldn’t fail someone. Not like he almost failed Bismuth, or the actual failure of Eyeball and Aquamarine. Those few gems that still would never accept him as someone better than Pink. Gems he never could help, he just couldn’t keep failing like that
If he could help her, maybe he’d feel something - maybe he could fill that hole in his chest that’d been growing emptier each time someone didn’t need him anymore. ( When Connie’s too busy studying, and Pearl’s teaching gems about Earth, and Garnet is showing gems it’s okay to be who you are, and Amethyst is doing her best for former soldiers and dad is running Sadie’s band and Steven suddenly has no one left to fix so he’s left alone to think and think and thinkthinkthinkthink- )
But Jasper is stronger than him when he’s alone, and Steven almost wanted to give up when her foot was pressed to his chest.
“You’re the one that needs help,” she had said - like she could see right through him, to his soul and innermost thoughts somehow bared to her. “You think you’ve beat me, but you’ve never beat me on your own! You’ve always been a fusion! You’ve always had your friends ! Because you’re nothing without them!”
Steven couldn’t breathe (and she’s right about EVERYTHING) , and it hurt because he realized he made a mistake coming here alone.
“You think everyone needs help! But it’s only you. No one is as pitiful as you.”
He’d like to believe it was because he desperately wanted to fight back, but really he knew she triggered that dark tendril of cold and harsh thoughts in the back of his head. Because someone said it out loud and it only solidified a belief that had been creeping up on him for months, because something powerful and raw burst from his core and then his whole body was glowing pink and he felt indestructible.
After he beat Jasper much more brutally than he’d like to think about (another thing to push down, don’t think about it) he realized that the power he felt and the glow that turned him pink didn’t come from a survival instinct. It came from the (badbadBAD) thoughts he had.
This was only confirmed when Smokey Quartz panicked from the worry of not being fast enough to save the rollercoaster. Then again, after the newly unbubbled Rose Quartz gems left his house and he went back to his room alone, the glow of pink bouncing off his dark bedroom walls. Then again when the now-dubbed Volleyball Pearl told him the truth about the scar on her eye. And then with Bluebird Azurite and his father. He just didn’t want to think about any of it! Because then it wouldn’t happen again, right?
Steven’s fine. Really. He’s totally okay, and his new power wasn’t scaring him at all, and the immense guilt that followed from scaring Volley at the Reef definitely wasn’t keeping him up at night. He definitely didn't fear he was becoming selfish with his desire to help other people to make himself feel anything other than empty, useless, regret.
And he definitely didn’t wake up again, covered in sweat. His face stricken with mania in the darkness of his room, panting, and wishing he were dead.