Chapter Text
Van had her arm in a vice grip and was dragging her to the door. She reluctantly followed, catching Taissa’s eyes. Taissa was barely holding in a laugh but straightened her mouth out when she saw Shauna’s glare.
“Come on, Shauna. I didn’t turn down Howard for you to be a hermit all 4 years of college.”
“Didn’t you do that for Van?”
“The point is, you’re going to this party.” Taissa stared her down for a few seconds until Shauna let out a loud sigh.
Van flashed them both a smile. “Great. Now we just have to count on a party girl not going to the biggest party on campus.”
Shauna paled like she was about to throw up. “I can’t do this, actually—“
Taissa grabbed her shoulders before Shauna could retreat to her room. Her voice lowered to a soft whisper. “You haven’t been you for a while. Maybe you need to see her.”
“Exposure therapy,” Van offered from near the door.
Taissa nodded. “Yeah, that. What’s the worst that can happen?”
Shauna gulped. Those were some famous last words. She could think of a million bad things, from being punched in the face to Jackie somehow back with Jeff and showing up at the party together like a reformed power couple. It wasn’t impossible.
“I’ll go.” The words left her throat like acid. She had no idea what she was getting into. But the possibility of Jackie’s eyes on her was as much a reason to go as it was to stay away. It made her feel like she was the only person alive. The center of Jackie’s world, the only thing she ever wanted to be, craved being.
Shauna hadn’t felt it for years. Of course, she’d seen Jackie around. Heading into the library or walking around campus. She was always accompanied by friends, laughing harder than Shauna had seen her laugh. Jackie never even noticed her.
It should make her sad, but usually it just made this unavoidable irritation creep into her mind. She couldn’t help but think Jackie was as attention-seeking and fake as she’d been before. Shauna wondered if she’d had many boyfriends, if any were actually into her or if they were having fun with her “friends” behind her back.
The sadness came later, when the vision of Jackie walking without a care in the world faded into the angry, betrayed expression from two years ago. When she remembered the way Jackie had cried and yelled at the same time. Shauna had been mad at first then, too. Every tear had made her words sharper, heart numb, fists clenched.
“Well?” Van asked. Shauna looked up, blinking away the burning in her eyes. It didn’t leave.
“What?”
“Are you going to get dressed?”
Shauna looked down at her gray sweatpants and oversized Buffy the Vampire Slayer shirt that she’d forgotten she was wearing. To be fair, she’d expected a night in studying. Instead of replying, she just walked to her room, leaving Taissa and Van to loudly discuss Jackie behind her as if she couldn’t hear.
After putting on dark blue jeans and a red plaid shirt, the three left down the rickety stairs of their off-campus apartment building. Shauna had been planning on rooming with Jackie, but that was obviously off the table after…
So, Taissa had begrudgingly let her stay with her and Van in their two-bedroom apartment. As if Taissa wasn’t overjoyed it had forced the two into one room together. Shauna wasn’t entirely sure they were allowed to have three people living there, but no one had questioned it so far.
“Shauna, tell Van she looks hot.”
“Van, you look hot,” Shauna said automatically, used to Taissa’s commands.
“A robot could be more enthusiastic,” Taissa said with a scoff, then turned to gush over Van some more. Shauna tuned them out. She was too busy glancing at every figure on the sidewalk in case one was her.
Shauna barely registered they were there until Van knocked like a deranged serial killer on the door. “Damn, what was that for?” She asked with a wince.
Van shrugged. “A little something to wake you up. Besides, they always listen to music at ear-breaking volume in there.”
She couldn’t argue with that. The chorus to some unfamiliar song was already clearly audible from where they stood outside.
A guy wearing an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt and fraternity letter basketball shorts opened up the door. Shauna bit her lip to keep from laughing. Unfortunately, the guy had been sizing her up and interpreted it as a “move.”
“Hey, you ladies can come in for free. What’s your name?” The question was directed at Shauna so Van just gave her a wave and slipped through the doorway past him. Taissa glanced between her and the guy, hesitating.
Shauna nodded at her to go on in and Taissa did, but not without patting her shoulder and encouraging her to get some. Right in front of the guy.
“Ignore that… I’m Shauna.” She had no idea why it came out so high-pitched. Her cheeks flushed red and she stepped inside, brushing against his arm as she did.
“I’m Brad,” he said with an easygoing smile. Okay, he was kind of cute, if she ignored the outfit. Thoughts of Jackie were swept to the back of her mind as Brad led her over to play a game of beer pong. They played for what seemed like hours, until Van and Taissa stumbled out of some hallway looking… a little worse for wear.
“Hey, Shauna, we’re going home, you staying?” Taissa asked.
“Yeah, yeah, go on,” Shauna replied. Truthfully she hardly knew what she was saying, otherwise she might’ve realized it would be a good idea to head home.
Shauna cursed as one of their much more sober opponents landed a ball in the final cup on their side. Brad eyed her and must’ve decided she’d had too much, as he downed it in one gulp. Her heart warmed at the action.
“Brad,” she said seriously. “Let’s make out.”
Brad turned to face her and nodded like an over-excited puppy. She grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the unoccupied couch, then pushed him down. He landed in the seat with a surprised look, his eyebrows raised but eyes sparkling with drunk curiosity.
Shauna straddled him with ease and smirked when his hands immediately grabbed her ass. She leaned in, one hand sliding up his jaw and the other tangling into his dark curly hair. Her hand tugged at his hair, exposing his neck to her eager lips.
She sucked and bit various places, relishing in the moans he let out, grinding down lightly into him. He was already hard. Just as easy as she remembered. Shauna’s mind inevitably wandered to the betrayal and Jackie again and she gasped, pushing down harder and releasing the guy’s neck. What was his name? Chad?
Chad might as well be a sex toy with all the work he was doing, but Shauna liked it better that way. However, she recalled in the haze that they were in the middle of a party and nearly leaped off of his lap. Chad’s hands fell and he followed her up with a full blush extending down to his collarbone.
She looked around, tangling her hand in his. Shauna was fully prepared to take this to whatever room was available.
Until she saw her.
Shauna’s mind blanked. Chad beside her suddenly felt like a piece of plywood. A piece of plywood that was on fire. She dropped his hand and swallowed. Her heart was beating erratically and it was either that or the drinks she’d had that propelled her forward.
“Jackie?” She asked. Hating the way she said it. It was like she’d forgotten how to speak.
Jackie looked at her for a moment. Shauna looked back, at her wavy brown hair, the way she held a red solo cup so delicately, the lipstick stain on the rim that her eyes couldn’t help but linger on.
“I see you haven’t changed,” Jackie settled on. She appeared indifferent, but Shauna could see how her hands trembled. Jackie had her tells and she should know Shauna would never forget them. She’d sooner forget her own name.
“I-“ Shauna glanced back at Chad, who was now chatting with some other frat guy. Thank god he hadn’t waited for her. She looked back at Jackie and felt her stomach start spinning.
“I’m gonna throw up.”
Jackie frowned and reached for her arm, probably to lead her somewhere. Shauna flinched away on instinct. She regretted it when Jackie’s expression hardened and the cup she was holding bent under her grip.
“Fine. Go see if that guy will hold your hair back for you because I’m not dealing with this.”
Shauna watched Jackie take three purposeful steps away and then spin around, sending Shauna a dirty look and going to grab her arm again. This time, Shauna let her, nearly throwing up then and there with how Jackie yanked her along to the bathroom.
Her brain felt like it was enveloped by fog. Except, one thing came through clear enough. Jackie’s hand on her arm, fingers wrapped tightly around her wrist, surely leaving lasting indents. Part of her was glad. If she forgot everything about tonight, all she wanted to know was this. Jackie’s touch, something she never thought she’d feel again.
Taissa and Van were her best friends now, but it wasn’t the same as it was with Jackie. Nothing even came close.
Luckily the bathroom was open. One girl had been about to head in but Jackie shot her a death glare and the girl mumbled something about peeing in the bushes and walked off. Shauna briefly wondered how Jackie even knew where the bathroom was but quickly forgot as her stomach lurched and she groaned.
Jackie shoved her on the ground, opened the toilet lid and pointed at it like Shauna was a dog.
Shauna’s knees ached as she relented and leaned heavily over the toilet bowl, forgetting how disgusting it was as she threw up all the shots she’d had earlier. And maybe some cheetos.
Those fingers dragged lines of fire along the side of her head and she nearly turned in shock until her stomach rebelled against her again. Jackie was just gathering up her hair anyway.
She didn’t say anything. No encouraging words like they used to say whenever the other was sick, either from an actual illness or alcohol. When Shauna was done, Jackie grabbed her chin, manicured nails digging into her skin. She reached around with her other hand and wiped Shauna’s mouth roughly with bunched up pieces of toilet paper, dropping it on the ground when she was done and walking out.
Shauna just sat back on her heels and stared at the toilet lid, heart pounding. Soon, Van was helping her up and Taissa wrapped a second supporting arm around her. Someone must’ve called them.
She forgot all about it as they emerged into the cool air, Taissa complaining that they couldn’t leave Shauna anywhere and Van smiling at her as she did. She wished Jackie would smile at her like that.