Chapter Text
It started with touching, constant touches. Remus thought they were innocent, really.
When Sirius would hand him something, he’d let his fingers linger a little bit longer than one would normally. Sirius would never make eye contact or anything which would indicate it was on purpose. Remus always just brushed it off as something friendly, Sirius was always touching James.
It was harder to brush this one off though because it drove Remus mad, he’d be walking down a hall to his class and he’d spot Sirius walking towards him to his class. They’d say a casual greeting but Sirius would ghost his fingers along his waist or his arm as he walked past. Something friendly, he was pretty certain that he touched James and Peter the same way, although he'd never seen it. Sirius always touched Remus in private, he was just... discrete with his affection.
Remus hates the way being touched by Sirius makes him feel, he shouldn't get goosebumps or a twisting feeling in his stomach when he was touched. Not by Sirius. Maybe if one of the girls did it that would be an acceptable reaction, one might call it butterflies but not with Sirius, that was—no.
Thinking back to the touches made it clear why what happened, happened. It wasn't Sirius being friendly, it was him working up the courage. Testing the waters. Whatever one would call it. It happened on a Thursday evening, the third week of October. A few days after the full moon, Remus was finally starting to feel like himself again. It was such a nice evening too, uncharacteristically quiet which allowed each of the boys to do their respective tasks, for Remus it was the finishing touches on his Runes essay.
It was James who interrupts and sets the whole ordeal in motion.
“Alright boys, I’m off,” James announces. “Anyone care to join?”
“What are you on about?” Sirius asks without looking up, inspecting one of his records.
“Duh!” He lifts his broomstick. “Off to the pitch for some practice, where else?”
“I’ll join!” Peter all too excitedly jumps up off his bed, tripping over a pile of junk.
“Careful Peter, can’t have you breaking one of those legs if you want to get on the team!”
Jessica Frill had fallen off her broom earlier in the month and essentially broke her brain, Pomfrey sent her home for rehabilitation so she lost her spot as keeper and Peter had got it in his head that he was the best choice possible for the team.
As a result, James and Peter were constantly practicing, getting him ready for tryouts later in the month. James, who is forever an optimist thinks Peter is a shoo-in. Remus doesn't care either way. If all three of the boys are on the team he would get more quiet time but then again he’d be three times more obligated to watch the games, maybe he was more against Peter getting on the team than he thought. Sirius had privately told Remus that Peter's chances were laughable but Remus thinks Sirius secretly hates the idea of Peter joining in on their 'quidditch bonding time.'
“I’ll pass,” Sirius lifts his record. “Got better plans than watching Ol’ Wormy fall off his broom”
“Oi! I haven’t fallen off for ages!” Peter throws one of his pillows at Sirius which he dodges and then joins James with his broom.
“Remus? Coming?” James looks at him expectantly and Remus hears Sirius snicker under his breath.
It's nice to be asked he supposes but it was always a no. And Remus hates to disappoint James but this was one thing he wouldn’t budge on.
“Sorry, Jamie got studying to do. I actually should get to the library before it closes.” He gathers up his books and then waves off James and Peter who are leaving the dorm.
“Moony, can you stay for a bit? I wanted to show you a song,” Sirius calls out as Remus makes his way to the door with an armful of books and parchment.
“Er…” Sirius was looking at him with a pouting expression that made him want to roll his eyes and do anything for him at the same time. “Go on then, let’s hear it.” He plops his books back onto his bed. The library can wait.
Sirius gives him a big grin and uses his wand to drop the needle. Remus rolls his eyes, wizards use magic for the dumbest things. Sirius pats his bed as an invitation to sit. Remus gets up and sits down at the edge, leaning his back on one of the bedposts.
"Ever heard of The Hollies?" Sirius asks as the instrumental filled the room. Remus shrugs nonchalantly. He has but Sirius was always so excited to show him new music and Remus hates to watch his shoulders slump when Remus would admit to already having heard the song or the artist. "You'll love this."
If I could make a wish, I think I'd pass.
Can't think of anythin' I need,
No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound.
Nothing to eat, no books to read.
Oh, Remus had heard this song before.
Making love with you,
Has left me peaceful, warm, and tired.
Remus squirms a little, feeling uncomfortable. He remembers listening to it for the first time last summer on the radio. His mum had gotten teary-eyed listening to it, for whatever reason. She had just explained it was "awfully romantic". Which made Remus want to throw up. The song was nice, if not a little repetitive.
Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe,
And to love you.
All I need is the air that I breathe,
Yes, to love you.
All I need is the air that I breathe.
Listening to records with Sirius was like James and Sirius's quidditch bonding time, a moment just for the two of them that nobody could take from them. He guesses that's why Sirius is against Peter joining the team, he doesn't want to lose that time. Which makes sense, if Sirius suddenly wanted to stop sharing his music then Remus was sure he'd collapse in on himself. Maybe that's a little extreme but Remus can't imagine his life without Sirius, he barely remembers a time before he sauntered into Remus's life.
"You didn't like it?" Sirius asks, pulling Remus out of his thoughts. He hadn't realised the song was over.
"Er, no?" Sirius was watching the record spin with a disappointed look. "No, I liked it! It's just... you know," he waves his hand in the air, "intense? I guess."
Sirius shrugs and lifts the needle. "Well, you can go off to the library then. If you're not interested. I won't stop you from studying any longer."
Remus can tell he's upset and feels a pang of guilt wash over him, he never wants to be the reason Sirius is upset.
"Oh, I don't know, books are cool and all but music that's always been my first love," Remus smirks at Sirius who chuckles and mumbles something that sounds an awful lot like wanker under his breath. "And I wouldn't dare leave you all alone up here with your music, even if it is intense." Remus kicks his foot against Sirius's gently.
"You don't deserve to listen to my music, you're such a snob."
"Me!" Remus gasps dramatically, "a snob?! How dare you sir, you take that back right now!" He put his hand over his forehead and falls onto the bed dramatically. “You wound me!”
“You’re such an idiot.” Sirius laughs and throws a pillow at his face. Remus gladly accepts the pillow and puts it behind his head. Sirius rolls his eyes and crosses his arms, "I'm not going to play another song if you're going to be a prat."
Remus lifts his hand to his chest and crosses over his heart with his finger, "I promise to be completely un-pratty." Which makes Sirius grin so wide his eyes crinkle, Remus feels a familiar flip in his stomach. Sirius is, in the simplest terms, intoxicating. When he looks at you it is so easy to get lost in his eyes, grey and full of emotion. His eyes tell a hundred stories. Stories so compelling you can't help but listen. And his smile... his smile is powerful. It has the ability to pull you out of any funk. Whenever he is able to bring out a genuine smile from Sirius Black he always feels an immense sense of accomplishment.
Remus realises he was staring too long and quickly flickers his eyes down to the record. "Play it then, before you lose my interest."
"Oh, right." Sirius clears his throat and turns the record back on.
Remus closes his eyes to stop himself from staring at Sirius again, the connection he had to his smile was magnetic and he knows that it's wrong.
He taps his fingers to the rhythm on the blanket and lets himself get lost in the music. He feels the bed shift and when he opened his eyes Sirius is sitting beside him looking down.
Remus looks up at him with a questioning look and suddenly Sirius leans down and kisses him.
Fuck—they were kissing. Like full-on, hungry kissing. And Remus was kissing back. Fuck.
Remus feels dizzy, his stomach is stirring so viciously he was sure he was about to vomit everywhere and his heart is pounding like it's about to pack its bags and leave his chest.
He’s kissed people before—girls, of course. They were sweet and gentle. This was nothing like that, this was electric... and felt right.
No.
Wrong.
Fuck.
Remus snaps back to reality and pushes himself up, forcing their lips from each other. His eyes are wide and he stares at Sirius who is looking pretty pleased with himself.
“About time, eh?” He chuckles. What an idiot, of course, THIS would be a joke to him.
Remus scrambles off the bed and quickly wipes his mouth. “What the fuck, Sirius.”
“What! Don’t pretend that I’m not an amazing kisser.”
“You can’t do that!” Remus says, angrily and suddenly he can feel tears pricking his eyes.
Sirius looks at him and tilts his head as if he was confused. “Wait… are you—did I—Remus?“
Remus doesn't let him finish his sentence. He storms out of the room and slams the door behind him. The common room was thankfully empty, he thinks about sitting on the couch but that isn't far enough away from Sirius. He needs to get away and calm down, his ears are ringing and he can feel them growing hot.
As he's heading out the portrait hole someone calls out to him, he spins around ready for an argument but stops short of telling them to piss off when he realises it's Lily.
“Uh, hey Lils. I—is this important? I have somewhere to go.”
“Well hello to you too!” She gives him a probably well-deserved hit to the arm. “I just wanted to pass something along to you! I think you’ll like it.” She pokes him playfully and he rolls his eyes.
“I don’t have all day.” He replies, feeling incredibly irritable and not at all in the mood for this.
“Well, okay. Hmm, how do I put this…” She smiles up at him and then raises her hands in surrender when she notices the foul look on his face. “Ok, ok. So, I was chatting with Marls and she kept mentioning you and of course, I asked her if she fancies you and she said she did!” Lily looks at him with a mischievous smile.
Seriously.
“Okay?”
She rolls her eyes at his response. “I was thinking, maybe you could ask her on a date? Or I could ask her for you? Hogsmeade is this weekend and you guys really click!”
Marlene was pretty enough, she had a wicked sense of humour and Lily wasn’t lying, they did ‘click’. As a general rule, Remus avoided everyone during his first year. Marlene especially had a big personality which could give Sirius a run for his money. It was hard to avoid the boys, sharing a dorm meant having to talk with them at least twice a day but eventually they wore him down. With the girls, it was easy, unless they were forced to work together in classes he didn’t have to talk to a single one of them.
Halfway through the second year, he was paired with Marlene during potions and it was instant. She made him laugh, he could make her laugh. She was just full of joy and mischief, he almost kicked himself for avoiding her for a year and a half.
Remus glances up to see Sirius standing at the stairs to the dorms, staring at him. When did he come down? Had he been there the whole time? He looks distressed. He kissed him. What the fuck!
“Remus?” Lily waves her hand by his face. “You there?”
“Er—Yeah, go for it. You can ask her—actually, I’ll ask her. Next time I see her.”
“Brilliant!” She jumps and hugs him, “you two!! Ah, you guys will be such a pair! Ask soon!” She turns away and waves to Sirius as she passes him.
“Re—“
Remus was out of the portrait hole so fast that he felt like he had apparated.
Then he is running and he feels like an idiot. It was only Sirius, his best friend, someone who he could trust with anything, someone who has been there through thick and thin—someone who had kissed him.
He went straight to his hideout in the Ravenclaw tower, he hasn't shown anyone this alcove yet. It's hidden by a Ravenclaw tapestry which had a piece of wood behind it, if you pushed the wood in the right way it would turn and reveal an area roomy enough for Remus to squeeze in. This wasn’t on the map yet, Remus does feel guilty for keeping it a secret. He can't help himself though, he needs a ‘just in case.' And this was the perfect 'incase.'
It's dark but Remus doesn't bother with lighting his wand, in fact, he notices that through his panic he had left his wand in the dorm.
This can't be real. He actually pinches himself which does nothing, just stings.
Sirius had kissed him and it was so easy for Sirius as if kissing a bloke wasn't an earth-shattering action. Like his skin didn't crawl with shame. When Remus was standing there in shock, Sirius joked about the kiss! Who does that?!
Sirius has soft lips, he knew that already, they look soft. Not a single crack. Remus's lips are cracked and have a scar running over them, he's never been self-conscious about them but now he can't stop thinking about how rough they are. How coarse they must have felt on Sirius's perfect lips—NO—not perfect. He isn't like that. They weren't perfect, Sirius is just Sirius. Nothing less, nothing more.
He has to wipe his palms on his trousers, sweat was pooling on them. He wipes his forehead too, fuck it was hot. Why was it so hot?!
He curls into himself, laying his head against the stone. It was cramped but he thinks he deserves to feel uncomfortable.
Maybe he would wake up back in his bed as if this had all been one long nightmare. Unlikely but a nice thought.
Tomorrow he would ask out Marlene, things could go back to normal.