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Kian might’ve made a mistake.
Of all the guys in this town he had to have a fling with it had to be Jesse. Jesse, who’s captain of the football team. Jesse, who’s one of the most popular guys in their school. Jesse, with his kind eyes, and his pretty smile that makes Kian’s chest ache-
-He’s getting off track.
The point is, is that Jesse has eyes on him. And Kian does, too. The attention on them combined and the fact they have to go to school together five days a week?
Kian might’ve made a mistake.
And he would’ve had the weekend to get over it and prepare himself - since the party was on Friday night - but he spent the whole weekend sneaking around town with Jesse.
It’s not like they haven’t been known to hang out - Kian’s on good terms with a lot of people at their school. Him and Jesse have had classes together. It wouldn’t be that weird for them to be caught hanging out together.
Except for the fact they’ve never really hung out by themselves outside of school. And they both have eyes on them. People will gossip, and this town is small enough that gossip spreads like wildfire.
Maybe people will put two and two together. Realise that the only reason they were hanging out outside of school alone is because they spent Friday night together.
But the weekend was nice, despite all the sneaking around, and the low thrum of fear. It felt a little like they were in a world just for the two of them. The only part Kian regrets about it is that now he has to live with it knowing it can’t happen again.
Knowing that he has to go to school five days a week and see Jesse every one of those days. In their classes together. Catching glimpses of him in hallways, and across the lunchroom.
Knowing that they both have so many eyes on them. That even if they interact normally, it’s only a matter of time before one of them slips up. Leans in a little too close. Says something a little too soft.
Neither of them can afford that. That’s the kind of shit that’ll follow people like them around even if they do leave this shitty town.
Because they’re both aspiring for jobs that’ll put them in the spotlight. And all it takes is one person from their hometown talking to some eager reporter, and then their lives are crashing down around them.
Neither of them can afford it. And Kian might’ve made a mistake because now he knows how nice it’d be to be with Jesse. And that’s going to make it even harder to move on.
Kian makes it all the way to Thursday in his attempt to avoid Jesse.
Before that, he could tell Jesse was staring at him. And god knows Kian was staring back. Sometimes they’d catch each other’s gaze, and Kian would slide his eyes away as quickly as he could without grabbing anyone else’s attention.
But he could feel Jesse’s eyes stay on him.
It made him feel warm. Made his gut twist unpleasantly, sweat pooling on his palms.
They both have too many eyes on them for them to be looking at each other like that. For Kian to just let Jesse approach him after class, in the hallways, at his locker.
The secrecy and the sneaking around was kind of fun when it was just them on the weekend. But now - in the crowded high school hallways - Kian feels like those bugs kids hover glass over during summer.
Trapped. Watched. Like he’s going to combust at any second.
He makes it all the way to Thursday like that.
But then Rand’s heading straight home after school because he got grounded last night for some bogus reason. Rolan decides to take the time to study for some big test coming up. Kian doesn’t want to head home straight away.
So, he sneaks onto the football field behind the bleachers for a smoke. And maybe he does it because he knows Jesse will be training. Like when you swipe your hand through the flame of your lighter.
Still, though, he’s surprised when he hears Jesse’s voice behind him. He’d lost track of time.
“Hey, man, I’ve been trying to catch you all week.” Jesse’s voice has that hint of laughter to it that it usually does.
Kian’s not prepared to have this conversation. He’s not prepared to be in this close proximity to Jesse, and he’s not prepared to turn around and face him.
But he does.
“Hey, dude.” Kian flicks the cigarette to the ground and grinds it out with his boot. “What’s up?”
“I think I should be asking you that, right, bro?”
Despite that hint of laughter, despite that pretty smile on his face - his eyes are soft. Concerned.
“Yeah, sorry I haven’t been around, man. Life’s just been a bit hectic - haven’t really had much time to breathe, you know?”
The best kind of lie has some truth to it. Isn’t that what they say?
“Is it because of…?” Jesse trails off.
And when his eyes dart over to the football field, Kian’s follow. Even though he knows everyone’s cleared out by now.
He just lost track of time. And now he has to have this conversation.
“Nah, dude.”
The lie falls out of his mouth without any resistance. He itches for another smoke.
“Oh, that’s good.” Jesse sighs in relief, his body slumping with it. Kian didn’t realise just how tense he was beforehand. Too busy trying not to notice anything because then he’d notice the wrong kinds of things. “I’d hate it if I made you uncomfortable, man.”
Of course it had to be Jesse. Kind, considerate Jesse. The kind of guy to follow up with him just to make sure he’s okay.
Kian grabs a cigarette and offers one to Jesse. Jesse has to step closer to take it. He waits patiently for Kian to finish lighting his cig before asking to borrow a light.
Kian has the crazy idea to close the gap between them further and light Jesse’s cig for him.
And he does it. Because they’re the only two people still in the area, because it’s getting dark, and simply because he can. Because they’re talking about it already so there’s no point pretending it didn’t happen.
Because he’s weak. And he misses being close to Jesse. He misses their weekend together, and this is probably the last chance he’ll have to indulge in it.
Jesse’s eyes widen just a little when he does it. When Kian steps back, he follows.
They’re like two stars, twirling around each other. Both knocked a little out of orbit. Just enough that their gravities are dragging each other in and if they keep on this path they’re going to crash and explode in brilliant, fiery destruction.
“So,” Jesse takes a drag, “we should talk about it, right?”
“Probably.” Kian admits, even though he really doesn’t want to. Even though he wants Jesse to walk away and just forget about him. “But what can we even say, dude?”
“I mean…” Jesse looks away, nervous. Red covering his cheeks - leftover from football practice, leftover from Kian stepping close, and staying strong because of whatever he’s about to say next. “We could always… try?”
Kian takes a drag just to delay his answer. Feels his chest clench.
“We shouldn’t.”
“Yeah, but forget about that, man.” Jesse’s voice is as gentle as his hand when he brings it up to cradle Kian’s face. “What do you want?”
His chest feels tight - painfully so. He closes his eyes and leans into the touch.
“You.” Kian says. Because he’s a hopeless romantic and it’s going to get him in trouble one day. Is probably getting him in trouble right now. “But we gotta think about the long game, dude…”
“I know.” Jesse sighs. Runs his thumb back and forth over Kian’s cheek. “I know, man, but… fuck.”
“Yeah.” He takes another drag. “Yeah, it’s bogus, dude.”
“I’ve never really felt like this before, man.” And he still has that hint of a laugh in his voice.
“Me too.”
Because Kian’s flirted around before, but he’s never wanted it to work out this badly. Maybe because he knows it can’t.
“What do we do, dude?” Jesse asks, a little desperate.
“I don’t think we can, like, do anything.”
“Are you sure, man?”
“Dude, you’re a footballer. You know a clean break’s better.”
“Yeah. I do.”
But neither of them step away. Jesse doesn’t take his hand down from Kian’s face, and Kian doesn’t make him.
He wishes he could commit to stolen moments like this. But a clean break’s better.
And before the moment breaks, Kian allows himself the weakness of pushing forward, and dragging Jesse into a kiss. It’s a little desperate. And definitely lingering. Kian’s stomach is churning with fear, and regret, and love.
When he steps away this time, Jesse doesn’t follow him.
Neither of them look at each other at first, both too busy examining the area for potential onlookers. Then their eyes meet. Jesse laughs. Wistful and disbelieving.
“I’ll miss this.” He says.
“Yeah.”
Kian doesn’t want to say he will too. He’s afraid he’ll lose his resolve.
“Are you okay?” Jesse takes half a step closer, before remembering and stuttering to a halt. “You’re shaking a little, bro.”
“Oh, I’m just cold, dude.” Kian lies easily. “Getting late.”
“Here.” Jesse takes his jacket off and holds it out between them. “I have a spare back at home.”
Kian takes it even though he knows he doesn’t need it. Kian takes it and knows he’s not giving it back.
“Thanks.”
“See you around, Stone.” Jesse says with a wave as he backs away - not ready to turn around.
“See you.”
Kian watches him until he finally turns. Watches him until he’s gone from Kian’s sight.
He takes another drag from his cigarette. Flicks it to the ground, grinds it out with his boot, and walks home.