Work Text:
~*~
Arthur
Morgana. You are presumably some Instagram guru, aren’t you?
If you like and then immediately unlike a picture, do they get a notification?
Morgana
What did you do
Arthur
Just answer the question
Morgana
Yes they get a notification
Why do you even care
You’re barely even on instagram
Arthur
Do you remember when I was at Gwen’s engagement party two years ago
Morgana
Wow that’s a non sequitur but yes, I do in fact remember
I remembering advising you not to go to the engagement party of the only serious girlfriend you’ve ever had that you dumped because you figured out you were gay four years in, YES
God, Arthur, to this day I’m stunned you even WENT
Arthur
Morgana.
Morgana
Not relevant to what you are trying to say?
Arthur
I never told you this, but I kissed a guy at that party
Morgana
Arthur, down boy
Arthur
It’s him
~*~
~*~
Morgana
How did you even FIND him Arthur
Arthur
Gwen had tagged him in one of her posts and I thought I recognised him
Look, I’m not on Instagram that often, and I didn’t realise he was one of Gwen’s friends at the time
Morgana
He was at her ENGAGEMENT party Arthur
Arthur
I’ve known Gwen for forever. I dated her for four years, as you just reminded me. I had never met him. I don’t think it is an unreasonable conclusion.
He must have been a friend of Lance's
Anyway, I just clicked his profile and it sort of happened.
What do you do? He just sent me a message on Instagram
Morgana
Do nothing
Arthur
You’re always so helpful.
Morgana
This is your predicament Arthur LMAO
Arthur
Lovely.
This is what they call ghosting, isn’t it?
Morgana
My baby brother is growing up
~*~
Arthur
Guinevere! How are you and Lancelot doing? I wanted to ask something
Guinevere
oh, hi, arthur, it’s been a while! we’re doing well 😊 what’s up?
Arthur
Did you invite Merlin to your engagement party?
Guinevere
i think you’d remember better than me arthur 😆
weren’t you making out with him for an hour or so? lance was very concerned you two weren’t coming up for air
Arthur
Oh God.
Guinevere
why are you asking? that’s two years ago
Arthur
Nothing. Forget I asked.
~*~
~*~
Arthur
Hypothetically speaking, what do you do when someone you don’t know requests to follow you on Instagram?
Morgana
Is this still about Gwen’s friend
Because I think we’ve established you do know him LMAO
Arthur
He sent me a request.
Morgana
I don’t know, Arthur, but you’re thirty-two years old
Maybe decide for yourself
~*~
~*~
Morgana
How is your dating life going
Arthur
What?
Morgana
Did you block party guy or did you accept his requests?
Being your sister should have some advantages, you know. Amuse me
Arthur
I asked him why he sent me a request
Morgana
Oh, Arthur
Arthur
What? I wanted to know.
Anyway, he’s rude and annoying
Morgana
So you blocked the one interesting thing to happen to you
When was the last time you went on a date?
Arthur
I don’t dare to. You know how Father gets.
Morgana
Oh, I know
Thank God I'm married.
Arthur
I didn’t block him, anyway, I don’t know where the button is.
But I left him on read, so I doubt we’ll talk again
Morgana
How hot was this guy again?
Arthur
Morgana…
~*~
~*~
Arthur @arthurpen
I know my father means well, but sometimes…
@thisismorgana: @arthurpen I know right! Well, it could have been worse.
@arthurpen: @thisismorgana How could it have been worse?
@thisismorgana: @arthurpen He could have been homophobic
@leonspoetry: @arthurpen I saw that update… rough, man.
@gwenevere: @arthurpen oh no 😂😂😂
~*~
~*~
Guinevere
arthur, why are you starting fights with merlin on instagram
i feel like i missed something important 🤔
Arthur
In my defence, he was rude to me first.
Guinevere
since when do you two even know each other
apart from the obvious
Arthur
He started following me on Instagram last week.
Guinevere
and this is rude because…???
Arthur
He called me a prat. And now also a prescriptivist, apparently.
Guinevere
he’s an english major, arthur, that’s about the worst insult in the book
you don’t even follow him? how did you even see his post
Arthur
How do you know that?
Guinevere
it’s public information so i checked, because i would like to know how my very kindhearted and nice best friend got into an argument with my ex boyfriend who, i happen to know, also happens to be a very good man
please stop acting as if you’re seven years old. i know you’re better than this 🥺
Arthur
He started it.
Guinevere
arthur
Arthur
Fine, I won’t comment on his posts anymore. I won’t see them anyway.
Guinevere
thank you 💕
~*~
~*~
Merlin @merlinw
why are some people. honestly. i’m so tired
@freyalake: @merlinw sending love
@gwenevere: @merlinw you shouldn’t have called him a prescriptivist honey
@merlinw: @gwenevere gwen ily so much but you clearly all your taste in men went to lancelot bc you had none of it before
@gwenevere: @merlinw stop being rude and make up
@willtheman: @merlinw LMAO
~*~
~*~
Arthur
Can we please do something about Father. Can’t you hack his Facebook or something. I’m desperate.
Morgana
Oh, relax, it’s harmless.
Arthur
He tried to set me up on a date with Cenred King the other day. It is the opposite of harmless.
Morgana
Cenred King? Okay, yes, I see your point.
I don’t see what you want me to do anyway.
Arthur
You’re his favourite
Morgana
Because I’m married.
Arthur
Can I have Leon instead?
Morgana
Sorry, no >:)
Arthur
Useless witch. In that case, hack his Facebook?
You’re in IT, aren’t you? What use are you?
Morgana
I don’t hack people’s Facebook accounts, Arthur.
Arthur
You know his password, don’t you?
Morgana
I’ll lock him out for two days. TWO days, Arthur!
Arthur
Thank you.
~*~
[Unknown number]
i have been told u are not a prescriptivist but u had a very tough childhood with a father who might have ended u if you did not learn to spell properly before you were eight months old
or something like that anyway, gwen’s trying to make me be nice to you
Arthur
Who is this?
[Unknown number]
although i see your reading comprehension remains suboptimal
Arthur
I don’t know if this counts as making up.
Merlin
there’s no need to be rude, you know
look, maybe i didn’t need to call you a prescriptivist
but i dont really see the point of going on the instagram of someone you met a grand total of one (1) time and spent an evening snogging after two years and then liking a single picture and then proceeding to be an arse
Arthur
So you do remember.
Then why did you ask?
Merlin
didnt come back to me until like, a couple of days later
also i had a dissertation deadline and may or may not have been living off red bull and coffee. sometimes red bull in the coffee.
does this count as having made up?
Arthur
Why does it matter? It’s not as if we know each other outside of verbally abusing each other on Instagram
Merlin
because i can’t be the person who made gwen sad
Arthur
Fine, I suppose. We have officially made up. Are you happy now?
Merlin
beyond thrilled
okay look, im feeling slightly more human than i was the past weeks and i am sorry
i also shouldnt have said that thing abt your dad
although gwen showed me a screenshot of him trying to set you up and i have to admit i snorted at that
Arthur
Not you, too
Merlin
it’s sweet in a very weird way. but admittedly like 80% weird and 20% sweet
Arthur
Make that 95% and 5% and perhaps you’re closer to the truth. It’s not the first time either.
Merlin
aw but he cares
ive got friends who would get thrown out of the house for being queer. it could be worse. he could be persecuting us with a pitchfork and threatening to throw us on the pyre
Arthur
A charming image. Fortunately we don’t live in medieval times.
Merlin
not in the present times either though
arranged marriage and all
Arthur
God.
~*~
~*~
~*~
Arthur
So it is Dr Wyllt, then?
Merlin
lo and behold i havent wasted the last ten years of my life
except to all those people who say humanities is a waste of time
Arthur
Congratulations, Merlin.
You're 28, then? Ten years of university?
Merlin
29 in two months
but yeah it's been a while. four years of doing a phd so i feel 70 instead
academic life's great lmao
Arthur
Well, I certainly never had the patience for it.
I’m surprised you’re even texting back. Aren’t you supposed to be at a party?
Merlin
nah got a class to teach again tomorrow
i’ll go out with a couple of friends next weekend though. gwen and lance will be there too if u fancy coming
Arthur
I’ll be in London for my father’s birthday next weekend, unfortunately.
Merlin
ah no worries
he’s still trying to get you the perfect husband then?
Arthur
Unfortunately.
Merlin
i can vouch for your kissing skills if he requires someone
Arthur
I think we’re good, but thank you for offering, Merlin.
I doubt you remember it well enough anyway. We were both rather drunk. I didn’t even know your name for the longest time.
Merlin
you remembered it well enough to like my instagram picture two years after the fact
Arthur
I clicked it accidentally, okay? Gwen had tagged you, and you seemed vaguely familiar, and I misclicked.
I wasn’t trying to be nefarious, or to lead you astray. It was a genuine accident on my part.
Merlin
there’ve been worse accident in the world
look if the spot as your illustrious life partner is still open and your father hasnt managed to single handedly find your soulmate in the last couple of weeks maybe i can help him get him off your back for a bit
Arthur
Sorry, what?
Merlin
we can go on a date. if you want.
just for your good obviously
Arthur
Right. How compassionate of you.
I would like that.
Merlin
this doesnt mean ur not still a prat
Arthur
No, I wouldn’t dare think so.
~*~
Guinevere
arthur WHAT did merlin just tell me!! 💕
i cant believe this!
Arthur
Don’t get too excited. It’s only a date. I’ve not even seen him in person yet.
Guinevere
oh i should have known you’d fit each other perfectly
arthur you could have told me you liked him before! i’d have given you his number
i know we havent talked much lately but i care about both of you and it would make me so happy to see you with someone you love
Arthur
Guinevere, please. Most of our interactions have been us fighting with each other over Instagram.
Guinevere
you liked him last time!
please, arthur, you can admit it to me. you’re secretly excited.
Arthur
I will admit to no such thing
Guinevere
🥺 just tell me you’re excited about merlin
Arthur
I suppose I’m looking forward to it a bit.
Guinevere
so does he 😊
~*~
Arthur @arthurpen
I think I’ve just ruined my father’s birthday by telling him I won’t be reaching out to any of the men he’s found for me. God, this has made that date already worth it.
@merlinw: @arthurpen wow so glad to know what ur really using me for
@merlinw: @arthurpen at least u have high expectations right
@arthurpen: @merlinw You should be glad, Merlin. We haven’t even gone yet and you already have the advantage.
@merlinw: @arthurpen u seem to think that i need it and that my dashing looks arent enough
@thisismorgana: @arthurpen Ah, right. This has all just been flirting all alone. Colour me shocked.
~*~
Morgana
Arthur, are you still awake?
Arthur
Yes? Is there something wrong?
Father?
Morgana
Nothing that serious.
No, I was wondering about your date with Merlin. Is it truly a date? You’re certain about that?
Arthur
Absolutely certain. Why?
Morgana
Because I don’t think that Merlin is single.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn8KCU8ntp0/
Look at that.
Arthur
Morgana, I know for a fact that Merlin is single. I doubt he would have asked me out if he wasn’t. What do you mean?
Morgana
Just look at the post.
~*~
~*~
Arthur
Surely that’s some sort of Instagram thing that people do. Isn’t it?
Morgana
You mean he told you about this?
Arthur
Morgana, I’ve barely had a conversation with him beyond insulting each other. No, he has not told me about this.
He wouldn’t have lied about that, would he?
Morgana
I don’t know, Arthur. And Gwen didn’t say anything either?
Arthur
Merlin is one of her closest friends. She would have told me if he were taken.
I don’t believe it.
Morgana
Or she doesn’t know.
Arthur, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to look out for you.
~*~
Arthur
Guinevere, sorry for bothering you when you’ve probably already gone to bed.
I just wanted to check something.
Merlin is gay?
Guinevere
Hi, Arthur! 😁 This is Lancelot, Gwen is asleep.
Why do you need to know?
Arthur
Please just answer the question, Lance
Guinevere
Pansexual, as far as I know.
Will you tell me why?
Arthur
And who is Freya Lake?
Guinevere
Maybe this should wait until morning, when Gwen is awake.
I really don’t talk to Merlin about his dating life that much.
Arthur
Lance, come on.
Guinevere
I don’t know? They have been on and off
You do know that Merlin is my ex, do you not?
He doesn’t talk to me about that sort of thing
We can’t all be like you and Gwen 😂
Arthur
Thanks for letting me know.
Good night.
Guinevere
Talk to you later, Arthur! 👋
~*~
Arthur
You were right.
Morgana
I’m sorry Arthur
I know how much you were looking forward to this
Arthur
Why would someone do this?
I don’t get it.
Morgana
Toying with your emotions? I don’t know, Arthur
I don’t understand why Gwen wouldn’t have told you, though
She’s always been such a sweetheart
Arthur
They are in an on-again, off-again relationship, turns out. She may not have known they were currently on.
Morgana
What a douchebag.
I hope you let him know he’s the scum of the Earth
Arthur
I just don’t want to deal with it, Morgana.
Maybe I should have just let Father pick. It would certainly be easier.
Morgana
You don’t think that.
Arthur
Good night.
~*~
~*~
Merlin
arthur?
is smth going on with your insta?
helloooo
i can see you read these you know
if ur busy thats ok but lemme know what the plan is for friday
~*~
Merlin
??? did you block me
could u maybe talk to me you prat
arthur ru okay?
19:12 Missed Phone Call
20:01 Missed Phone Call
Merlin
arthur?
You have blocked this phone number. To unblock,
go to Settings and choose Blocked Numbers
~*~
Arthur @arthurpen
So apparently starting an online rivalry with a guy you kissed two years ago is not a good basis for any sort of relationship.
@thisismorgana: @arthurpen You can do better, Arthur.
@gwenevere: @arthurpen wait what happened 😲
@arthurpen: @gwenevere Why don’t you ask Merlin how Freya is?
@gwenevere: @arthurpen oh my GOD pick up your phone
@leonspoetry: @arthurpen I’m sorry to hear it, mate.
~*~
Guinevere
arthur i know what it looks like but you’ve got to unblock merlin
this isn’t what you think it is
8:21 Missed Phone Call
Arthur
I realise you must not have known, Guinevere, and I don’t hold it against you
I’m just
I’m disappointed, I suppose.
Guinevere
merlin isn’t in a relationship with freya
he never has been
Arthur
That is not what Lance said the other day
Guinevere
i love lance dearly arthur but he can be as emotionally constipated as you
when we’d just broken up he kept trying to make well-meaning gestures to get you to win me back when he hadn’t realised you were gay
and merlin is his ex, and despite what you may think, merlin talks a lot and says very little
they do NOT talk about relationships
lance does not know anything except whatever he sees on social media
Arthur
And neither do I.
Guinevere
merlin is freya’s beard
it's fake arthur he pretends to be her boyfriend when she needs him to because her family is very homophobic
has always done so whenever she needs him to
Arthur
You can’t expect me to believe that.
Guinevere
just go and ask him arthur i swear 😩
she was thrown out of the house as a teenager and merlin’s fam took her in in the aftermath
i dont know the details but she’s back to living at home but theyre still not entirely okay with it?
merlin doesnt talk abt it a lot i just know he’s stepped in for her if things got rough
Arthur
Guinevere…
Guinevere
you like him, arthur. and i see you like people so rarely
i swear hes the loveliest man you’ll ever meet
hes not a cheater and hes not playing you or anything arthur
he really likes you
Arthur
I’ve been an arse if this is true.
Guinevere
i’m sure he’ll understand just text him
~*~
Arthur
I’ve been told I may have misinterpreted some things
I’m sorry.
Merlin
yeah gwen explained
freya’s post right
Arthur
My sister saw it and sent it to me.
She was just looking out for me.
Merlin
ig i can see the mix-up but honestly arthur u could’ve just asked me abt it
it’s just a social media thing whenever freya’s fam gets on her back
i’ve blocked most of them so they barely even know me they just want to know that freya’s not off with a girlfriend and living the straight life. which she isnt
i told you that i had friends who’d be thrown out for being queer. not everyone is as lucky as you and me
Arthur
I should have asked you instead of Lance.
I’m sorry, Merlin. I suppose you’ve earned the right to call me a prat this time
Merlin
ur worse than a prat
ur a prescriptivist
why did you ask LANCE of all people???
Arthur
I asked Guinevere, but he had her phone
Merlin
right they’re that kind of couple
I just wouldnt. if anyone i would talk to lance abt this kind of thing. hes a friend but thats kind of it. he kind of broke my heart
years ago. it’s all glued together now. im fine. god
this is not information i thought i’d give u before even meeting you
Arthur
I’ve been assured that we have a certain advantage because we’ve already put our tongues in each other’s mouths, even if we both remember very little of it
I’m glad your heart is all patched up.
Are we still on for that date on Friday?
I would understand if not.
Merlin
ur a moron but i suppose i can look past it since i already knew that
im glad my heart is patched up too
now you have to tell me smth embarrassing abt yourself
Arthur
You will be my first date in three years.
Merlin
that is embarrassing yes
looking forward to it?
Arthur
If I told you how much, that would be two embarrassing things you know about me.
Merlin
prat 🙂
but me too
~*~
Merlin @merlinw
arthur is complaining the entire start of our relationship can be found online and we met on social media and im just here like… dearest prat we literally met through friends how old-fashioned do you want to be
@arthurpen: @merlinw I’m not complaining, I’m just noting. And the start of our relationship is there for everyone to see, you can’t deny that. It’s all online.
@thisismorgana: @arthurpen You are complaining, and I think it’s sweet that you bickered like an old couple even before getting together
@merlinw: @arthurpen you forget we made out two years before we started dating. no one will be finding that😏
@gwenevere: @arthurpen @merlinw actually… we might have video of that too. sorry?
@arthurpen: @merlinw Do you see what I mean?
@merlinw: @arthurpen come here and i’ll kiss you. where no one can see it
@willtheman: @merlinw I liked it better when you were complaining abt how rude this guy was
~*~
~*~
fin.