Chapter Text
Part I: (stop)
James
James's mother had always told it like it was. She was brutally honest, but not in the way people say they’re brutally honest when really, they’re just mean. No, Effie Potter was kind in her honesty, but she never let James get away with things either.
“You have so much love to give, sweetheart,” she used to tell him often. “More love than most people, you be careful with it because not everyone is going to give it back.”
So, James wasn’t raised sheltered, he knew there were bad things in the world. He’d seen some of them. In Sirius’s childhood, in the bruises he would hide and the tears he’d cry into James’s shoulder.
Still, he grew up with a privileged and warm childhood. James was never given anything but love and care. Even his mother’s honesty was always padded with kindness and warmth. Frankly, James’s life was perfect. He had everything and anything a person could ask for. This had always been the case.
Yet, the secret, the terrible aching starving beast sitting in his chest, consuming everything around him, was that James Potter was deeply and severely unhappy. Maybe he had always been that way, he couldn’t remember a time when it was different. A time without the gaping black hole in his chest.
“Prongs?”
James blinked, shaking his head. “Sorry, what?”
Sirius raised his eyebrows. “I was asking about the sleeping arrangements. Moony said all of us might have to share rooms. Obviously, Moony and I will, and Mary and Lily as well as Dorcas and Marlene, but—"
“Yeah,” James said quickly, trying not to flinch. “I don’t mind sharing. Me and Pete? Just like old times?”
“Actually,” Peter winced, “I’m bringing Emmeline, remember? So I’ll be sharing with her.”
“Oh, right, no worries, mate.” James shot him an easy grin to show there were no hard feelings.
“See, that’s why I’m asking,” Sirius cut in. “Because Reg is bringing Crouch and Rosier, but they have their weird hook-up thing going on, which I absolutely do not want to know anything about, but that means they’ll share, which leaves you and Reg and well– you know…”
“Regulus hates my guts?” James offered, leaning back on Sirius’s sofa as if that didn’t sting a little. “It’s fine, if he stabs me in my sleep at least it’ll make for an interesting holiday.”
“He wouldn’t do that!” Sirius insisted, to which Remus snorted. “What?” Sirius asked, whipping around to glare at his boyfriend. “He wouldn’t! I mean… probably!”
“Just try not to piss him off and you’ll be fine,” Remus advised James, nodding sagely.
Easier said than done. Everything James did seemed to piss Regulus off. He didn’t even know what it was. He could correct it if he knew, but the truth was Regulus just didn’t like him.
Remus began to steer the conversation towards the itinerary for their summer-long holiday while Sirius argued passionately for his favorite philosophy of simply winging it.
James sat back, tugging his knees to his chest in an attempt to ground himself. Sirius pulled Peter into the argument and their voices began to rise. James grabbed his glass, taking a long sip of his drink in hopes that the alcohol would soften the buzzing in his ears.
God, what was wrong with him? Why couldn’t James just have fun for one night? Why was there a feeling of dread lurking without reason?
“You’re sure you don’t want to bring anyone?”
James blinked, yanked back into the conversation. He hadn’t even realized their argument had ceased. He wondered who’d won. Probably Remus, he always did.
“Huh?”
“On our trip,” Sirius clarified. “What about that girl you were seeing… Clara or something, right? Don’t feel like you can’t invite her, we can make space.”
“I’m sorry James, I really just don’t think this is right. I’m too busy, my job is so demanding. I can’t give you what you’re looking for.”
“I only wanted to see you more than once a week,” James protested. “We’ve been dating for months now, Clara. I didn’t think that was absurd to suggest.”
“And I get it, but I don’t have that time to commit to you. It’s just too much.”
Too much.
“No,” James swallowed. “It’s fine. It’s not the same as the rest of you lot.” He waved a vague hand at Sirius and Remus. They’d been together since they were sixteen and had been in love with each other long before that. Now, in their twenties, they were still madly in love. It was the same with Marlene and Dorcas, who met as kids and later started dating. Now, they were still going strong. Even Lily and Mary, while it’d taken them a bit longer to get together (the fact that James and Lily were dating for so long was definitely an obstacle in the way of their love), but eventually, they’d figured things out. Now they were coming up on their second year together and they couldn’t be happier.
It's not that James had never been in love. In fact, he was pretty sure he’d been in love with every single person who’d ever looked at him, and even those who hadn’t. It was that no one had ever loved him back.
“You give too much,” his mum would say gently, stroking his hair after whatever heartbreak he’d been through this time. “You have to be more careful with who you hand your heart to, not everyone deserves it.”
As much as James adored his mother, he was beginning to think she was wrong. All signs pointed to one thing: James was the problem.
--
James’s alarm was going off when he woke. It was blaring loudly, telling him that it’d probably been on for a while and he rolled over, fumbling for his phone before one of his neighbors could start banging on the walls in annoyance. Shutting off the alarm and blinking down at the time with blurry eyes, James groaned aloud. With a fumbling hand, he shoved his glasses on his face, squinting down at the notifications on his lock screen.
There were about a million voice messages from Sirius which James ignored, he’d listen to those on his way to work. Peter had texted him a few videos which James also deemed unimportant at the moment. The notification that stopped his heart dead in his chest was short, only a few words.
Dad
Got to raincheck for tomorrow. Sorry.
I’ll see you soon.
James swallowed, opening the text and staring at it with a knot in his throat. His dad wouldn’t see him soon; he was leaving for the entire summer in only a few days. Apparently, his father hadn’t remembered that.
James
i’m leaving for Italy in a few days?
won’t be able to see u before i go
His father’s reply was instant at least, which James appreciated.
Dad
Right. slipped my mind.
Will see you when you get back.
Have fun.
We should talk soon. I will call you.
Suddenly, the knot in his throat was bursting open and James threw his phone, feeling satisfied as it hit the wall with a loud crack. The all-consuming rage only lasted a second before the world seemed to come rushing back around him and he was left blinking, sitting in his bed in only his boxers, the world empty and quiet around him.
He wasn’t crazy.
Taking a shaky breath, James stood, picking up his now cracked phone without bothering to spare more than a cursory glance at the damage. Who fucking cared. It’s not like anyone really wanted to contact James anyway. His friends would probably be grateful for the peace.
Feeling weighed down, James limped through his morning routine. By the time he got to work, he knew his day was already ruined and it didn’t help that from the beginning of his shift everything was already shit.
“James,” his manager, Molly, complained basically the second he clocked in. “I told you to reorganize the men’s section before you left yesterday, but everything was a disaster at closing.”
“I did! People come in and mess—”
“I don’t want to hear excuses,” Molly cut him off swiftly. “You’ll be refolding everything at closing tonight to make up for Jade cleaning up after you yesterday.”
James turned so she wouldn’t see his face twist into a scowl. “Yeah, no problem.”
“Good, you’re a great worker, James. I know you can do better on this. We’re a team here, we rely on each other.”
Molly’s voice was gentler now, as if she could sense his worsening mood. But James had no desire to hear her padded, fake sympathy and he left her, heading onto the floor to force a fake smile onto his face while he greeted the morning shoppers.
It wasn’t until his lunch break when he pulled his phone out of his pocket that he realized there was a large crack running down the screen, and when he tried to switch it on, it remained dark. Cursing under his breath, James tossed the broken phone into the trash without a second thought before heading back to work.
The rest of the day passed in a slow crawl, and James felt like he was itching out of his skin. By the time he got home, he was ready to climb into bed and sleep for a week.
The next day, James woke up to his alarm blaring yet again, this time from his digital clock. The sound was unfamiliar and shrill. There was a hole eating through his chest. He couldn’t breathe around it so he switched off his alarm, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
He woke that night, disoriented and fuzzy as he opened his eyes to darkness. He wasn’t sure what had woken him at first. His flat was quiet, his digital clock silently lighting up the darkness of his room with its red numbers. After a moment, he heard a sharp knock and James sat up, forcing himself out of bed and into his entryway where someone was incessantly knocking on his front door.
James threw open his door, blinking as Sirius froze on the other side, hand raised as he was about to knock again.
“Good, you’re alive!” Sirius exclaimed. “What’s going on, why haven’t you answered your phone?”
James blinked, trying to process anything that was going on. He wasn’t wearing his glasses and the blurriness didn’t help with how disoriented and dizzy he felt. “Huh?”
“I texted you,” Sirius said, pushing past James and into his messy flat. “I haven’t heard from you in days.”
“I saw you like two days ago,” James said slowly. “That doesn’t warrant breaking down my door.”
“Yeah, but you never go that long without replying to texts.”
“Oh,” James frowned. “Right, my phone broke. I have to go get a new one.”
Sirius spun, his brow furrowing as he seemed to take in James’s disheveled appearance for the first time. “Were you sleeping? Did you forget we had plans?”
James absolutely did, but he shook his head anyway. “No, no. I just wasn’t feeling well so I was taking a nap, must have just overslept. I should have set an alarm, but you know… broken phone and my clock is wonky.”
Sirius surveyed James for a moment and he wasn’t sure if his friend was convinced. However, after a moment’s pause, Sirius seemed to let it go, clapping his hands together. “Well, come on then. Do you feel well enough to go out now?”
“Yeah,” James said quickly. “The nap helped, I’m good.”
“Okay, great. Go get dressed, I left Remus and Reg in the car. If we take too long, Reggie will start getting antsy and I don’t want to be responsible for whomever he maims.”
“Probably me,” James muttered but turned, heading for his room.
He threw on the first semi-clean clothing he could find and stumbled back into the living room where Sirius was waiting impatiently. He basically dragged James out of his flat as soon as he emerged, pushing him into the car.
“Alright, Prongs?” Remus asked, turning around to peer into the back seat as James climbed in.
“Yeah,” James mumbled. “Sorry, I fell asleep.”
“I tried to call to warn you that we were coming.” Remus raised an eyebrow. “That didn’t wake you? You never have your phone on silent.”
“Apparently, this fucker broke his phone.” Sirius scoffed, climbing into the passenger seat. “Now c’mon, onward, Moony, before the girls get mad we’re late.”
Remus stared at James for a moment longer before turning back around and starting the car. Sirius instantly began arguing with Remus about which way to the pub was fastest and James tuned them out, relaxing for a moment now that their gazes were off him. He rubbed at his eyes under his glasses, taking a deep breath.
James stiffened suddenly as he realized that Regulus, who had so far been ignoring James in favor of tapping away at his phone, seemed to have stopped typing. James looked to his left where the younger Black brother was looking at him with scrutinizing eyes.
“What?” James snapped under his breath, not in the mood to play nice with Regulus’s attitude that night.
Regulus blinked, snapping back a little. He almost seemed surprised under his typical blankness. James didn’t think he’d ever snapped at Regulus before, and he was grateful that Sirius was too caught up in his bickering to hear.
Regulus and James had a specific sort of relationship. James was nice to him, had always been nice to him, even when he and Sirius had fallen out for a few years in school. James always looked out for Regulus because he was Sirius’s baby brother. The most important person in his best friend’s life, and some of the only family he still had. Regulus, in turn, had always been mean to James. No matter what, no matter when.
The first time James met Regulus, his snotty eleven-year-old self had looked James up and down, scowled at him in distaste, and then very rudely informed him that it was: “Reg-u-lus, not Reggie or Reg, don’t call me that. I don’t like you.” And to set the tone for their entire relationship for more than a decade, James had only smiled apologetically. “Right, sorry, Regulus. It’s great to meet you.”
Regulus was mean, James played nice. That was how it worked. But sometimes it was exhausting to keep up a happy face for someone who clearly hated his guts. Tonight, with a swirling cloud over his head, maybe for the first time ever, James couldn’t stomach a smile.
Sometimes, James wanted to scream. He wanted to take Regulus by the shoulders and shake him until he told James what he’d done. What was wrong with him, what caused Regulus to hate James so much? Or at least let James give Regulus a proper reason for his hatred.
But James didn’t, he never snapped. Until tonight, apparently. James didn’t know what Regulus was thinking now, but it was at least enough to stop whatever biting comment Regulus might have had.
“How’d you break your phone?” Regulus asked. It wasn’t kind. James didn’t think Regulus even actually cared, but it wasn’t the attitude James was dreading so he just shrugged.
“Dunno,” James said. “It just cracked.”
Regulus hummed in response, going back to whoever he was texting without sparing James another glance.
He didn’t know what Regulus thought of that. Whether or not he believed James or he simply didn’t care either way. James didn’t know why Regulus had even asked. He didn’t know what went on in Regulus Black's head. He didn’t think anyone did, not even Sirius.
They pulled up to the pub before James could drive himself utterly insane with the possibilities. This was good, he thought, as they stepped into the pub and the girls plus Peter waved them down from a table in the corner. James could get drunk and forget about his shitty job, his broken phone, prospectless future, and whatever Regulus Black may or may not have been thinking.
“I can’t believe we’re doing it!” Lily was saying excitedly as they all found their seats. “We’ve been planning our post-graduation trip since before we even started university! I can’t believe we actually made it this far.”
“A miracle with this lot,” Dorcas scoffed. “Plans like this rarely make it out of the group chat.”
“We all managed that trip to Scotland last year,” Peter protested, his cheeks already a little pink from his drink.
“That was three days long,” Remus pointed out. “Very different than the entire summer.”
“I’m going to be so broke by the end of this,” Marlene lamented, leaning into Dorcas as she sighed.
“Joke’s on you, I’m already broke,” Mary frowned. “I’ve been working my ass off, and I still worry for my spending on this holiday.”
“Lucky Sirius and Reg’s crazy rich uncle own a villa in Italy, eh?” Dorcas said. “I’m glad I made friends with rich people, otherwise we might have to pay for the lodgings as well. Can you imagine the price for an entire summer?”
“Hm,” Mary agreed, “not all of us are trust fund babies.” She narrowed her eyes, casting a mock glare at the Black brothers and then James.
“Hey, I got disowned. No trust fund for me,” Sirius protested.
“Not from your parents, no. But as Dorcas said, crazy rich uncle. And James does.” Mary raised her eyebrow.
James swallowed the bile that was rising in the back of his throat. James knew he was lucky, he grew up rich, never wanting for anything, but he didn’t have a trust fund. James had an inheritance, something you got when somebody died.
James never wanted his inheritance. Not that it mattered, he didn’t have it anyway.
He stood suddenly. “Uh, I’m going to get a round of drinks,” he said even as Mary frowned. Let them think he was offended over his rich parents being pointed out, what a shallow, privileged James Potter thing to think.
James got drinks. He didn’t return, instead downing enough that the fact that he didn’t feel like a human didn’t matter, and he amused himself by flirting with a girl at the bar as she eyed him in interest. James felt a thrill, a rush at being desired as she put a hand seductively on his arm.
There was no zing at the contact. James didn’t feel anything even as they stumbled into the bathroom and he got her off. He thought he must be broken because she was gorgeous, with long golden hair and rosy cheeks. Her waist was small under James’s fingers and her voice just breathy enough where it should have been hot. Yet, he felt nothing. He wasn’t even hard when it was over, and she reached for his waistband.
“I’m fine,” he told the woman, turning and leaving her in the dirty bar bathroom as she fixed her clothes. It was nice to be wanted, but he’d served his purpose for her. If she’d wanted something more, she would have asked for his number before they’d ended up in the bathroom.
Feeling too hot under his collar, James quickly exited the building, stumbling out onto the street where the night air was brisk and the sound of music and chatter was muffled.
There were still people out on the street. A small, very drunk group seemed to be waiting for their cab, giggling loudly on the pavement. Needing to be away from the laughter, James turned the corner, ducking into the alley on the other side of the bar. He leaned against the brick wall, taking a deep breath of the fresh air.
“And you seem to think I’m a whore, when you’re picking up and dumping girls in pub bathrooms.”
James jerked up, eyes flying open as he took in Regulus leaning against the wall further down the alley, a cigarette lazily held between his fingers.
“I don’t think you’re a whore,” James sighed.
“Really?” Regulus said, drawing out the word. Despite the fact that he clearly seemed to be mocking James, the word sounded like honey falling from his lips, his voice husky and low. “So you insist on cock-blocking me all the time for fun?”
“There’s a difference between cock-blocking and making sure you’re safe.” James crossed his arms. “We’ve been over this—”
“Yes, yes, I should be so grateful you don’t tell Sirius the things I get up to. Oh, James, thank you for saving me! Where would I be without you saving me from the scary strangers who want to sleep with me? How wonderful that my brother is able to sleep at night thinking I’m an innocent, blushing virgin.”
“You have bad taste,” James said stiffly. “And I’ve gotten involved a total of what, two, three times? All of them were scumbags. That one guy last month left a bruise on your wrist.”
“Maybe I’m into that.”
Whatever James had been expecting Regulus to say, it wasn’t that, and for a moment he stood there, blinking as it felt like the air was torn from his lungs. He didn’t understand his reaction to that, and after a moment James shook his head. “I look out for you for Sirius. I know you don’t like it and never have. Too bad.”
“You better not get in my way in Italy.”
James scoffed. “We’re sharing a room, haven’t you heard? You’re not fucking anyone in there.”
“I wasn’t planning on it. I’m sure just the reminder of your existence is enough to make a man go soft.”
“Fine.”
“Fine,” Regulus said, his ever-present scowl deepening.
“Pass me a cigarette,” James said tiredly.
“No, why would I do that? Do you even smoke?”
“Maybe I’ve decided to start and you’ll get to watch me have an embarrassing coughing fit as I try for the first time.”
The promise of that seemed to be enough to entice Regulus, and he passed James the pack of cigarettes.
“A light?” James prompted and Regulus sighed, pulling out a lighter as well.
Of course, it was silver and engraved with Regulus’s initials. James resisted the urge to roll his eyes, how posh and so very Regulus. The lighters James normally used were neon yellow and purchased dirt cheap from his local corner store.
James lit the cigarette, taking a drag and ignoring the way Regulus seemed sincerely disappointed when James didn’t fall into a coughing fit.
“I didn’t know you smoked,” Regulus said as James handed his cigarettes and lighter back.
James just shook his head, as he exhaled. “Regulus, you don’t know me.”
And for some reason, Regulus frowned at that. Honest to god, his face, which was normally twisted into a scowl or perfectly blank, flickered. He frowned like somehow, James had gotten past the asshole armor he always wore around himself. The corner of his mouth turned down and James felt… something. The swoop of his heart, the prickle of something on the back of his neck. Rather than examining whatever the hell that meant, James straightened.
“Try not to shag anybody violent tonight, I can’t be bothered to clean up after you,” James said before turning away so he couldn’t see the little frown on Regulus’s face any longer.
“See!” Regulus called after him. “You do think I’m a slut!”
And really, James didn’t. In fact, he was sure he’d been through just as many bodies as Regulus had, but tonight he liked the idea that maybe, potentially, the notion might sting Regulus just a little. Probably not, but it was nice to think that just once James could hurt Regulus in the way he was so often hurt by the younger Black.
--
James woke the morning of their flight to Italy in a mood. Which, if you’d seen him recently, you’d think was his constant state, but really, it wasn’t. Often James felt fine, great even, when he could manage to ignore the hole in his chest, sucking in everything it touched.
James had agreed to sleep over at Sirius and Remus’s so they could all take a cab to the airport together. They had a guest room, but of course, Regulus had claimed it, leaving Peter and James to figure out the couch and an air mattress. Which was fine, James had slept in worse places, but he still woke at an ungodly hour to Regulus banging around while he made tea. Honestly, James wasn’t sure Regulus slept at all because he was not a morning person, and being up this early was a bad omen. They already had to sacrifice precious sleep because of their flight and now Regulus had woken James up even earlier. He held in the rude string of words that were swirling around his head as he grumpily gave up on sleep, because soon after, Sirius was up too and James wasn’t about to act a bitch to Regulus when Sirius was present. Not that he normally acted that way anyway, the pub night a few days earlier being an exception, but it didn’t squash the urge.
However, despite being woken early and the general chaos and arguments that broke out on their way to the airport, somehow, they managed to meet up with the girls and make it onto their plane with very few mishaps. As their flight took off and James peered out the window, watching London disappear as they rose above the clouds, he breathed out a sigh of relief. He suddenly realized that for the rest of the summer, he didn’t have any of his usual shit to deal with.
He had the entire summer where he didn’t have to think about Molly or her worried gaze as she’d brought him into her office a few days earlier.
“You didn’t even call out, James,” she’d told him. “You just didn’t show up for your shift. That’s not acceptable behavior. Normally, I’d fire someone for that, but you’ve never had an incident like this before and overall, you get great reviews from customers and you’re a good worker. I know you’ve had a rough year so I’m going to cut you some slack—”
“I don’t need pity.”
“I’m not giving you pity, I’m giving you a chance. If you want to retain this job when you return at the end of August, then I recommend you take it.”
But none of that mattered right now, and no one need know about any of it. Now it was just James and the rest of the summer to figure out what the fuck he was supposed to do next.
“Italy, here we come.” Sirius grinned, his eyes wide with excitement as he peered around James to watch the earth below them as the plane gained altitude.
James turned his new phone over in his hands and mirrored Sirius’s smile. “Here we come,” he agreed, feeling giddy.
The flight was short. In fact, they’d originally debated whether or not to even fly, but in the end, it just seemed better than a train ride which would take an entire day. Knowing his friends, more than a few of them were sure to get antsy. So it was only around a two-hour flight, and in no time they were touching down in Italy and dropping their bags on the floor of Alphard Black’s huge Italian house.
“Wow,” Marlene raised her eyebrows as she spun around the entryway, taking in the bright tiles and colorful art adorning the walls. “This place is gorgeous.”
“Crazy rich uncle,” Mary nodded seriously before Lily grabbed her by the wrist as they took off to claim a room.
Regulus was in the corner with Barty and Evan as everyone else set off to choose their own rooms as well, and Barty clapped him on the shoulder. “Well good luck, Reg,” he said, casting James a pointed look. “Potter, I hope he kills you. The world would be a better place.”
James winked at Barty in response, smiling as if those sorts of things bounced off of him. As if he didn’t think the same thing whenever he got too drunk or couldn’t sleep.
James was left alone with Regulus and the other man sighed, clearly still unhappy with the sleeping arrangements. James felt his happy mood from earlier instantly plummet, a cold feeling washing over him as Regulus turned, setting off into the house, a clear dismissal of James.
James followed anyway, ignoring the shameful feeling of rejection that always followed Regulus’s demeanor towards him.
Regulus walked with a purpose, choosing a room and dropping his stuff in it without waiting for James to approve.
“You can sleep on the cot,” Regulus said tonelessly. “Got to get it down from the attic I think.”
James sighed, admiring the comfy-looking bed, knowing he’d be sleeping on a no-doubt ancient and hard mattress the entire summer.
“Gee, thanks,” James muttered. “How thoughtful of you.”
“Boo-hoo.” Regulus rolled his eyes. “I can’t sleep as is, I’m not even bothering with anything less than a proper bed. I’ll get the fucking cot if you want to be a baby about it.” He didn’t wait for James to answer before leaving the room. James just stood there blinking as he realized he must have been right that morning; Regulus had trouble sleeping and he probably hadn’t slept at all the night before.
When Regulus returned a little while later and began setting up the spare bed, James couldn’t help but study his face. As James stepped forward to help him, they were close enough that James could make out the telltale smudge of makeup under his eyes. Concealer of some sort, no doubt to hide the bags that must have been there. James had never noticed before. He wondered if anyone else knew that Regulus didn’t sleep. Was he an insomniac or was it something else?
“Why are you staring at me, Potter?”
James quickly tore his gaze away. “Sorry,” he muttered. “It’s just- I realized you’re wearing makeup.”
“And? I thought you were an ally.”
“Firstly,” James frowned, “you don’t need to be gay to wear makeup. Secondly, I’m just saying I was surprised. I never noticed before.”
Regulus scoffed. “Course not, you don’t notice me.”
James frowned suddenly at that remark. It felt like an echo of their conversation in the alley when James had said Regulus didn’t know him. He didn’t know what that meant or if it mattered to Regulus. To begin with, Regulus Black didn’t give two shits about James. And aside from that, it wasn’t true, sure James noticed Regulus.
He said as much. “That’s not true,” James insisted.
“Really,” Regulus said the word in that way he always did, drawn out and sarcastic, but something about it was so sweet and addicting. The low swoop of his voice dragging its way over James’s skin. “Name one thing, aside from the fact that I’m a whore.”
“I–” James began, trying to think of something he noticed about Regulus that didn’t have anything to do with his extracurricular activities or keeping them out of Sirius’s worry, but really, James realized, everything he paid attention to about Regulus had something to do with Sirius. But that was why James paid attention in the first place, for Sirius, so surely that couldn’t be wrong. That was the only way they had any sort of relationship. James was Sirius’s best friend, and Regulus was his best friend’s brother. Yet, based on the way Regulus was looking at him, grey eyes sharp, James knew that would be the wrong answer. Did Regulus want to be noticed by James? No, surely not, right? Regulus had never cared, in fact, he was crudely clear about his dislike of James.
“I noticed you apparently don’t sleep.”
“Doesn’t count,” Regulus said, leaning back, something in his gaze closing off before James could even realize it’d been there. Something hiding away, a door, a window to a part of Regulus James had never even come close to witnessing before, and instantly, he wanted it back. “I told you that earlier. But sure, good on you for having basic listening skills, you’re on par with most four-year-olds. Do you want a sticker?”
“I noticed it when you were making a fucking racket in the kitchen this morning and woke me up at an ungodly hour,” James countered, unsure why he now felt he had to prove something to Regulus. “And I notice that whenever you say the word ‘really’ you draw it out, and you almost only use it when you’re being a sarcastic dick.”
Regulus blinked, standing suddenly and James thought for a moment that maybe he’d caught Regulus off guard before the other boy was rolling his eyes. “Great, really putting those basic listening skills to work then. So maybe you’re actually on par with most eleven-year-olds, great work!”
James sighed, standing and brushing his hands off on his trousers. “I’m going to go find sheets for this,” he said, leaving Regulus, the confusing, mind-twisting person he was alone in their bedroom.
“Prongs!” Sirius’s voice called as James passed an open door down the hall. He instantly paused, taking a few steps backward to peer inside. Remus was lying on the bed while Sirius sat on the floor, unpacking his things, which seemed to include a whole lot of taking them out of his bags without putting anything away.
“Yes, Pads?” James questioned, leaning in the doorway.
“How are you getting on with Reggie? He hasn’t resorted to violence yet, has he?”
“No, so far only light mocking.” James shrugged, grinning at his friend to prove he wasn’t bothered by it.
Sirius grimaced anyway. The animosity between Regulus and James had always been a sore spot for Sirius, who desperately wanted two of the people he loved most to get along. In James’s defense, he’d tried, for many, many years. “I am sorry about this. You’re sure it’s alright?” Sirius asked.
“I’m sure,” James assured him. “Plus, we’re the only two single people here. I’m not about to break up any of you lovebirds from sharing just because Regulus is a bit prissy. I can handle him, we’ve known each other long enough, haven’t we?”
“I know, I know.” Sirius frowned. “I just want everyone to have a perfect holiday. I mean everything’s about to change after this summer, isn’t it?”
Remus sat up from the bed, shaking his head. “C’mon Pads, you said that after we graduated the first time, didn’t you? And the four of us, plus Mary and Lily, all wound up living in London. Half of us went to uni together and we managed to meet Marlene and Dorcas. Sure, things will change, but this holiday isn’t the end of anything. We’re all staying in London, and Reg has another year left of uni… no one is going far. Don’t put pressure on the holiday to be perfect, just enjoy it. James and Regulus will be able to handle themselves,” Remus said, flashing James a pointed look.
“Course,” James agreed quickly. “It’s not the end.” He tried to ignore the way his stomach flipped at the lie. For them, sure it wasn’t, but for James? Well, that was another story, one he didn’t plan to worry about at the moment. He had the rest of the summer, and he planned to take it before everything came crashing down.
“I know,” Sirius sighed. “It’s not like I could ever get rid of you lot… I just know things will change. We’ll be real adults with real jobs, I mean, I start mine basically as soon as we get home. It feels like this is the last time we get to be stupid young people. After that, we’ll just be boring adults.
“If you still want to get drunk and be a slut on the weekends, there’s no age limit on that.” James raised his eyebrows. “I can picture you getting down at the club in your eighties.”
“But then I’ll be all withered and ugly!”
“You’ll still be beautiful,” Remus assured him. “I don’t think you’re even capable of anything less.”
Sirius’s eyes lit up at the compliment. Of course, Sirius had definitely known from the time he hit puberty that he was extraordinarily attractive, yet he never seemed to stop being surprised when Remus offered up compliments. Maybe it was just the fact that it was Remus that made it special; no one else’s opinion mattered to Sirius like Remus’s did. James wondered what that was like, to be so seen and loved by someone.
James couldn’t imagine it, not if it were him. He didn’t think anyone would look into the ugly, messy depths of James Potter and come out with anything but disgust. If anyone actually knew the things he felt or the thoughts that looped around his head, even his friends who’d loved him more than half his life wouldn’t stick around. James kept people in his life by keeping the nasty, dark parts of himself hidden. If they saw it, they’d leave. They would turn on him. James’s father was proof enough of that.
Unconditional love wasn’t real, not when it came to James. There were always conditions, even if the people who loved him didn’t know it yet. The only person James thought might love him regardless would be his mum, and that didn’t mean much anymore.
During the time James had slipped into his head, Sirius and Remus had started flirting and James shook his head, deciding to leave them to it. Neither of them noticed him leave.
Starting back on his quest to find bedding, he dug through a few closets before he found some sheets. They were soft and smelled freshly washed, probably in preparation for their arrival. James was at least glad for comfortable bedding if he had to sleep on an ancient cot.
When James returned to his room, Regulus was gone and his things were unpacked, bags hidden away. James wasn’t surprised by Regulus’s efficiency, but what he was surprised by was the fact that the drapes had been pulled open on every window, allowing for the sun to shine brightly into the room. For some reason, James would have thought Regulus to be the kind of person who liked a room dark and gloomy, but he’d tied the drapes back with obvious intent and care.
James thought of his own room back home, dim and dusty, the blinds always closed. Maybe people expected him to have a room like this, the windows always open, the sun constantly shining in.
Making quick work, James made up his bed before unpacking his things. When he was finished, he headed down the stairs, following the sound of voices in the kitchen. He heard laughter, everyone chatting easily, and James was probably the only person who wasn’t in there. He considered barging in, asking what they’d do if he died. Would they care, would they laugh like this without him as if nothing had changed? Would anything change? Clearly, they didn’t need him. James could just off himself and it wouldn’t matter.
There was another peal of laughter and James tried to swallow down his sudden rage at their ease. How simple it seemed for everyone else. What was wrong with him? Why did anger itch under his skin so intensely it burned?
James scratched at his arms, feeling the rage in his veins. He pressed at the most prominent vein on his wrist, trying to force down the anger that bubbled there. Taking a deep breath, he forced the pained look off his face. They didn’t need to deal with any of James's nasty bits.
“Oi, Prongs? That you?”
James took a deep breath, stepping inside the kitchen. “Yeah, yeah,” James said, taking a seat next to Sirius and nudging his friend playfully.
“What were you lingering in the doorway for?” Sirius asked.
“Sorry, I was on my phone.” James waved the damned thing, hoping nobody could catch the fact that it was still off from his flight. He knew his dad was bound to try calling him soon. James had been waiting in fear of that dreaded call for the past week.
“We were just talking about dinner,” Remus said as James dropped his phone on the table. “I think we should go get groceries tonight for the week and cook something rather than going out.”
“That’s fine with me.” James shrugged.
“I agree,” Mary leaned forward. “That way we can save a little money. I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to go out later on, but we’re all semi-responsible adults, we can manage some cooking.”
“Take ‘we’ out of that sentence,” Lily snorted. “You are not going anywhere near the cooking, not if we wish to avoid being poisoned.”
Mary huffed, shooting a glare at her girlfriend, but she didn’t contradict Lily either.
“Okay,” Remus spoke up. “House rule, Sirius and Mary are not allowed to cook. Anyone else we should ban?”
“Emmeline,” Peter said instantly, and the girl blushed, tucking her hair behind her ear. “She once burned a pot of water.”
“That… is true,” she admitted, cheeks pink.
“Okay, you three are kitchen-banned,” Remus said seriously. “Who’s a good cook? I know James is brilliant, Dorcas is good, and the rest of you are passable?”
“Barty is atrocious,” Evan offered and the man in question tried to elbow him in the side while Evan easily avoided him. “Don’t let him even look at an ingredient, it will instantly self-combust in fear.”
“Noted,” Remus nodded. “Good, we can work out some kind of schedule for cooking, that way everyone does their part.” James couldn’t help but grin at how easily Remus took control. He really was going to make a great professor someday. “Does anyone want to volunteer to get groceries? Reg, can I volunteer you since you’re the only one who speaks fluent Italian?”
“Fine,” Regulus crossed his arms, unhappily. “Barty does, too.”
“Okay, Regulus and Barty… let’s have someone sensible supervise?”
Regulus scoffed at that, but Dorcas just rolled her eyes at her friend. “I’ll go, let’s make a grocery list.”
Everyone started throwing out requests for food they wanted and meal ideas while James sat back, eyes straying to Regulus. He’d been glaring at Remus for a second, clearly not pleased to have been volunteered, but within a few minutes, he seemed unable to keep it up. Regulus was always good to Remus, a fact that itched under James’s skin. Even if Regulus played mean, he always softened for Remus, for most of them eventually. It made sense. Remus was the wonderful sort of person that everyone liked. He was kind and forgiving, but sharp and sarcastic as well. A perfect balance between warmth and his ability to take no shit. Remus was smart and funny and naturally likable, he didn’t have to try or pretend to make people like him. They just did because he was Remus Lupin. James violently envied that. He didn’t think he’d been a natural a day in his life, all he did was try.
“What do you want, Prongs?”
James looked up to find Remus looking at him expectantly, a pad of paper and a pen in his hand with their grocery requests.
“Oh, I’m fine,” James said quickly, no need to be a burden. “I’ll eat whatever we have.”
“You don’t have any preferences?” Remus prompted, slowly.
James just shrugged and Sirius leaned over to poke Remus in the arm. “C’mon, Moony, you know our James. Never a more easygoing person,” he said, flashing James a wide grin.
James nodded in agreement. Yes, he was so easygoing, of course. James didn’t spend every second of every day trying to shape himself into something likable. Absolutely not! That’d be crazy. James definitely hadn’t created his personality just to please the people around him.
Definitely not.
Emmeline
Emmeline really liked Peter. They’d been dating for almost six months now, and it was serious. She wouldn’t have agreed to join him on a summer-long holiday with all his friends if that weren’t the case. Emmeline also liked his friends. They were an interesting group, and to be honest, she was still trying to work out some of the dynamics, but they’d all been warm and welcoming to her. She found she got along well with Marlene, and they’d formed a fast friendship the past few months. However…they were still Peter’s friends. Now she was in a house with all of them, people who’d clearly known each other for years, some of them for over a decade and here she was, the newcomer.
Everyone was nice to her of course, but she still felt herself getting lost in the crowd. The thing about Emmeline was that she was a very social person, she liked having lots of friends and going out. However, she always was and had always been quite uncomfortable in her skin. She had no problem holding a conversation, but she needed someone else to take the initiative. If someone took the first step, she could keep up, but she was terribly uncertain when it came to speaking up first.
Peter had warned her that some of his friends were “characters” as he’d put it. She could see that. Sirius and James specifically were bright and confident in a way Emmeline couldn’t even fathom. Sirius was attractive and bold, so confident and charming in his skin that she could see the way eyes followed him in any room, both with adoration and bitter envy. James was different, he was confident and extroverted, but unlike Sirius, it didn’t make him seem untouchable or unattainable. He was friendly and real. Easygoing and always quick to smile. Emmeline didn’t think she’d ever even seen him frown, much less get angry. He was funny and attractive in a careless way, like it was effortless.
Really, James Potter was everything Emmeline wished she could be. Everyone loved him, he could talk to anyone without fear or uncertainty. Nothing seemed to really touch him. He’d clearly grown up with everything, from what people said. Two loving parents, a pretty house, and a good education. Emmeline had been homeschooled most of her life, and as much as she didn’t like to perpetuate any stereotypes about homeschooling, the truth was for her, it’d affected her development negatively. She still felt so other in a room full of people. Like they all understood these things she didn’t, and she was wrong or out of place. She wanted to be like James. She wanted to fit in.
She could never undo the feeling, never forget the looks, the lingering of being different.
Everyone was chatting around the house. Dinner was cooking and the smell was incredible, especially after the day of traveling, she was starving. Peter had disappeared with Regulus, Lily and Dorcas at some point. He’d checked in with Emmeline before leaving her alone. A part of her wanted to ask him to stay, but she didn’t want to seem clingy or keep him from his friends, so she’d insisted she was fine. But now Emmeline was sitting in the corner, drink in her hand. She didn’t even like drinking much, but it gave her something to do, so she sipped it slowly, trying not to seem like she didn’t belong.
Suddenly, James Potter plopped down in the seat next to her, startling her from her thoughts.
“Sorry,” he smiled, pushing his glasses up his nose. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“No, no,” she said quickly. “I just tend to get stuck in my head. Not your fault.”
“Hm,” he hummed, leaning back and taking a long sip from his own cup. Emmeline knew James was a drinker. She had heard Peter complain enough times about James’s tendency to get pissed and abandon them in favor of some girl. “I see. You considering your escape plan? It’s not too late, you can break up with Peter and make a run for it. I’ll help you craft the breakup text if you’d like.”
Emmeline couldn’t help but return his joking smile, shaking her head. “Breaking up over text? Now that’s a little harsh.”
“Fine, a letter then? How’s your handwriting?”
“Perfect.”
“Good, I’ll help you write it. We can start with… ‘Dear Peter, I’m sorry. As wonderful and sexy as you are, your friends are fucking maniacs and I cannot take it any longer.’ Sound right?”
Emmeline laughed. “I wouldn’t say you’re all maniacs.”
“Hm, not Remus.” James nodded seriously. “Though don’t let him fool you, he’s just as wicked as the rest of us, just with a little more common sense. Lily’s the only real good one, not that she wouldn’t still fuck a person up if needed, wonderful woman she is.” James smiled fondly and Emmeline wondered how he could talk of Lily so casually. She knew the two had dated for years and she couldn’t imagine ever talking so easily about any ex, even the ones she was on ‘good terms’ with.
“I can see that,” Emmeline agreed.
“Do you talk with Lily much?” James asked. “I can see the two of you getting on well.”
“Not that much,” Emmeline admitted. “I mean, I haven’t been around very long. This is my first time really being around everyone together.”
James stood suddenly. “Well, come on then.”
“Come on where?” Emmeline questioned, but she stood as well because there was just something about James that was so likable, she felt she could trust him.
“To chat with Lily. I’ll pry Mary off her if needed, don’t worry. I think the two of you would be great friends.”
So, Emmeline followed James through the house without complaint.
“Lily!” He yelled, waving at Lily who was at the kitchen table, feet in Remus’s lap while she did Marlene’s hair.
“Potter?” Lily winced, her fingers pausing in their weaving of Marlene’s plait. “Is the volume necessary?”
James just shrugged, something Emmeline noticed he did often. She wondered what could possibly be going on in the head of a guy like that. He never really seemed to have thoughts, opinions, or problems with anything. She wished she could simply take life as easily as it came in the way he did.
“I brought Emmeline,” James said, nudging her towards an empty seat. “Pete abandoned her. I was trying to get her to break up with him.”
Lily rolled her eyes, looking to Emmeline. “Don’t let James get to you, you could do a lot worse than Peter. Take it from someone who dated James.” She made a face at that. “Crazy motherfucker.”
“I’m not crazy,” James crossed his arms.
“Sure,” Lily shook her head. “As far as men go, a girl could do worse, but they could also do better.” She looked pointedly at Emmeline. “Like Pete, a wonderful man. I hear he plans good dates, too.”
Emmeline couldn’t help but blush a little at that. “He does,” she admitted somewhat bashfully. “He’s amazing.”
“Good,” Remus said kindly, leaning forward. “You’re my favorite partner he’s ever had.”
“Really?” She wasn’t sure why she was surprised, but really, Emmeline had imagined most of Peter’s friends simply tolerated her.
“Oh absolutely,” Lily agreed. “And trust me, I think he feels that way too. He’s never brought anyone around this much. The fact that he took you on this trip is proof enough that he’s a goner for you.”
Emmeline couldn’t help but feel giddy. God, she really liked Peter. She could imagine having a proper life with him. The fact that maybe he felt the same, and it was possible, filled her with a hopeful warmth.
She turned, looking to see if James had any comments on this, but when she looked towards the doorway, he wasn’t there. Huh, she hadn’t even heard him leave. She turned back to Lily and Remus, brushing it off.
James probably had more people to entertain.