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"Just open up the door!" Hawkeye screams, fist hammering against the supply shed's door. "I swear to god, Beej- don't you fucking dare do this to me!"
Ignoring rude glares coming from the only other people awake at three am, he keeps slamming his hand against the door, uncaring of the blood slipping between his knuckles.
"Beej- open this fucking door-"
That fucking asshole! He better still be awake- better not be asleep already like a fucking coward. Hawkeye will break the goddamn door down if he has to-
"Alright! Alright!" Comes the irritated yell, accompanied by muffled footsteps approaching.
The door is yanked open, causing Hawkeye to stumble back a step. "What do you want, Hawk?"
Looking up at the flat tone, Hawkeye does his best not to flinch at the dark look on his best friend's face.
"You know damn well what," Hawkeye retorts, angrily pushing past BJ into the supply shed- glancing at the mattress on the ground, with a glass of water and the innocuous-looking pill sitting on the floor next to it.
It makes him sick to even look at.
"That's not your business-"
Hawkeye doesn't care when he interrupts BJ loudly. "Yeah, it is. Don't tell me it's not any of my fucking business when you're about to erase all your goddamn memories of this."
BJ snorts a humorless laugh. "Really? Is that what you think, Hawkeye? You think you get to tell me if I'm allowed to get rid of the memories of this shit hole, just because you're in them?" BJ pushes past Hawkeye, running a hand through his hair roughly. "You're not-"
"Not what?" Hawk interrupts icily. "Not worth it? Not worth remembering, is that what you were gonna say?"
"No!" BJ glares, "I was going to-"
"I'm not good enough for you- so you're just going to forget everything of the last year? Is that it?"
"You're not my wife!" And the silence is so loud, his voice seems to echo inside the small room. BJ breathes out harshly. "I'm not your husband- I don't owe you my memory, not when it means having to remember the rest of this nightmare."
Hawkeye laughs brokenly. "So that's it, huh? That's what it all comes back to: BJ the caring and good husband. Already making good on his promise to forget the war from a restaurant in Sausalito. BJ, wholesome BJ from California who's waiting to get back home-"
"We're all waiting to get back home! I'm not-"
"Well at least I'm not running from myself!" Hawkeye snaps, striding forward and jabbing a finger in BJ's chest. "At least I tell people what I'm doing- I don't make my best friend find out this shit from the nurse on duty!"
"It's not your decision, Hawk!" BJ snaps back, grabbing Hawkeye's wrist tightly and pulling it away from his chest. He glares at Hawkeye, making tense eye contact before he takes a deep breath, then another, finally gentling his touch. "It's perfectly safe, you know this. Everyone at camp does it- hell, even the generals and North Koreans choose to forget their memories."
"And so what?" Hawkeye asks, refusing to calm down- not when it comes to something as important as this. "Now you're gonna jump on the bandwagon after all this time? Why- You wanna go through the pain and confusion of your first day again just so you don't have to remember this last year?"
"Yes!" BJ snaps. "Yes, yes, that's exactly what I want to do. I want to take the pill and forget everything that's happened and everything I've seen and done. I want to still feel connected to my wife, want to have the hope that this will all be over soon, want to close my eyes to sleep without seeing all the broken and dead I couldn't save." He gives a tired chuckle, releasing Hawkeye's hand and taking a step back, sliding down the wall to the mattress on the floor. "Yeah, Hawk. That's all I want... It's my last chance, one year since I came here. I can forget all of this- tomorrow will be too late. I'll have been here a year and a day." BJ sighs. "So yeah, that's all I want."
Hawkeye breathes out harshly, looking away from BJ's pained expression. He runs a hand through his hair before sitting down next to BJ, grabbing the small pill in his hand even though it screams danger at him. He exams it slowly, turning it under the light.
"Seems so... normal." Hawkeye murmurs. "Just a regular little pill, and yet with the power to make you forget the last year of your life. I always think I can't be surprised by what medicine does next, but then... this."
BJ sighs, leaning his head back tiredly while still watching Hawkeye. "You're the only one who thinks it's not normal. There's a reason we're given as many of these as we want."
Hawkeye ignores the implied slight, knowing he's the odd one out of apparently the majority of the whole world. It's just- he's got memories for a reason. Right? Even if they're terrible, horrible, leave him screaming in the night and all through the day.
Would he like to never have had these memories to begin with?
Fuck, does he ever.
Is he going to erase all he's experienced in these last years?
No- he can't. Not when it makes him a better surgeon, not when he's the best and fastest out of all the other doctors because he retains his memories, knows how to do these surgeries like he's done them all his life. Not when he would have to go through the pain of adjusting to being in the army and in Korea over and over again.
Not when he would forget his friends and all of those he's helped.
Even if it would mean forgetting all those he's lost, all those that have been hurt or died because of him, all that has happened to anyone because he's been here instead of back home.
Not when it would mean forgetting Trapper, Henry, and Tommy completely.
How can anyone do that?
"It's about the options," BJ's voice interrupts softly, startling Hawkeye who hadn't realized he'd spoken the question aloud. "Whatever I might be missing, it's not enough to cancel out all the pain I'm forgetting. The other people- they take the pill too. They don't remember me either, so what's the point? This way, none of us are hurt. I don't remember that they've forgotten me, and I don't have to remember any of the pain. How could I choose anything else?"
Hawkeye nods tiredly, having heard and argued all of the angles multiple times when he can't sleep and his thoughts run too fast for him to grab onto. It's not without appeal. But also, for him, it's not possible. He knows that about himself.
Hawkeye gently sets the pill back down, curling his arms around his waist as he tips sideways until his head is pillowed on BJ's shoulder.
"You'd forget me?" He asks softly, not wanting to see BJ's face when he asks. Not when he knows the answer already.
It's why he's here in the first place.
"You'll be here when I wake up," is the calm response. "I'll get to meet you all over again. Become best friends for a second time- how could I ever ask for anything better?"
"...yeah, I suppose you're right, huh? I'll be right here." He laughs quietly, ignoring the way his chest feels like it's starting to cave in on itself. "Guess you left a note for yourself and everything already?"
"Got it in my pocket. Was gonna hold it before falling asleep so I'd know what was going on when I woke up."
"You want me to stay? I can stay, if you want- doesn't matter to me." Hawkeye ignores the way his eyes are starting to burn. "I'll happily stay and make sure you're okay and everything goes well."
"That's real nice of you, Hawk." BJ says, patting Hawkeye's knee twice. "It'll be boring, but if you want to, knock yourself out."
And Hawkeye feels himself try to smile in reassurance, try to pull himself together enough to show that he's okay with this decision- that he just wants BJ to be happy.
This is apparently what he needs to be happy.
He needs to forget everything and wake up a stranger, wake up and fall into the paces of living in someone else's life. Read the words of someone he's never been and no longer will be, and try to fit himself into the shape his absence left behind.
It sounds awful.
But it's what he needs.
BJ needs to forget everything.
Needs to forget Hawkeye.
Isn't that the clincher?
And the thing is, Hawkeye's used to it. He's used to waking up and going to breakfast and not having his friends recognize him. About asking Margaret how her date went only to have her ask if he's the Hawkeye her past-self described. He's used to being in surgery and having Potter laugh because he didn't recognize a kid, but there are his stitches scarred over from the last time the kid came through the 4077. Have it be common and funny that they regularly make themselves forget this horror show and all the people they were forced to become.
It feels like Hawkeye knows only shadows. Only knows these brief iterations of his friends, of those lives he's the closest to.
He's known six different Margarets- and he's loved every one, but he knows that no matter how much of himself he gives away, any day he might wake up and have to introduce himself to her again.
He's known two different Charles'- and he's tolerated and learned to like each. But he's tired of the rude looks he gets when he knows more than the present-Charles has shared with him.
He's known four Radars- almost one for each season. Knows the kid only takes a fourth of a pill so he forgets the last three months only. And yet, even though it seems that Radar gets older each time, one day Radar's going to wake up and realize it's been longer than one month into his stay in Korea. That he will look in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at him.
And now-
Now BJ is doing the same. But he's decided to forget everything. His last memory will be of the day he got to Korea, and he'll have to adjust to the knowledge that an entire year has passed by, and he's chosen to forget.
That he's going to have forgotten so much- and only Hawkeye will know.
Will know that BJ won't remember the time he was Papa-san, remember the day they had the Olympics, won't remember all the inside jokes they've shared so easily it's like breathing.
Won't remember Hawkeye.
Doesn't he realize he'll only know a shadow as well? That Hawkeye doesn't know if he can give so much of himself again if he doesn't know he'll be remembered?
"...You'll forget everything?" Hawkeye asks slowly, knowing the answer but needing the confirmation anyways.
"Yep, that's the plan."
"Even this conversation?" Hawkeye asks nervously.
"Yeah- why do you ask, Hawk?" BJ shakes his shoulder so that Hawkeye will sit up, and he does so, reluctantly. "What's so important about this conversation?"
"When do you forget?" Hawkeye asks quickly. "When do you forget everything? When you swallow the pill, when you close your eyes, when you fall asleep?"
BJ eyes his fevered expression warily. "When you fall asleep. It happens when you sleep- you know that, Hawk." He reaches out tentatively. "What are you thinking?"
Hawkeye watches him carefully, eyes flitting back and forth. He watches BJ intensely while taking a deep breath. "If you're gonna to do this, take the pill now."
"What the fuck are you on about?"
"Take the pill-" Hawkeye orders, fingers flexing nervously. "If you're gonna do it, do it now and I'll explain."
BJ watches him, reaching for the glass and pill slowly, as though fearing Hawkeye will knock them out of his hands just to stop him.
He puts the pill on his tongue, still watching Hawkeye, and takes a long sip of water, then another, before setting the glass down.
"There," BJ announces, and Hawkeye can't tear his gaze away from BJ's throat, as though he can track the pill. "Now will you explain what's going on?"
"Yeah- just- just close your eyes." Hawkeye says shakily.
"What the-"
"Just do this for me, Beej. Please." Hawkeye ignores the way his voice breaks, only focuses on the way BJ's eyes meet his before slowly closing, eyelashes standing out against his cheeks.
"Alright, Hawk." BJ says quietly, as though sensing not to push Hawkeye. "Now what?"
"Just-" Hawkeye wipes at his cheeks, ignoring the way his hands come away wet. "Just stay like this- it doesn't-" He laughs brokenly. "It doesn't matter anymore, not to you."
BJ's mouth twitches downward. "What does that-"
Feeling like he's being broken into a million sharp, painful shards, Hawkeye closes his eyes and leans forward, gently placing his lips on BJ's, hands coming up to frame BJ's face tenderly as he tips his head for a better angle.
Feels the way that BJ's breath catches in his throat, Hawkeye presses harder against BJ, moving his lips and kissing him, ignoring the way tears are running down his cheeks, kissing him with all the love and pain he feels.
Knowing that it will all be forgotten soon.
Knowing that this bittersweet kiss is all he'll get- all he's able to give.
He feels BJ slowly start to respond, feels the way BJ's mustache moves against his skin, the way those big hands come to rest on his hips gently. He feels the way a sob chokes his breath, and Hawkeye has to break the best kiss of his life and bury his head in BJ's neck, crying for all the things he'll never do and never say and all that may have been.
Feels the way BJ breathes out deeply, one hand coming up and cupping the back of his neck softly.
"Oh sweetheart," BJ sighs, voice tight as he wraps his arm around Hawkeye's waist. "Oh, my sweetheart. My darling. My dear."
Hawkeye sobs harder, voice cracking. "Don't- please- Don't-"
"I know, darling." BJ breathes out. "I know. I'm-" BJ pauses, taking another deep breath. "Will you tell me about this when I wake up?"
Hawkeye shakes his head quickly, panic gripping him tightly and making his heart speed up dangerously. "No- no no no no," he croaks out, fingers clutching desperately to BJ's shirt. "No- don't make me. I can't- only because you won't remember this. Won't hurt you, won't hurt Peg, won't make you deal with me-"
"I'll always deal with you, sweetheart."
"No you won't," Hawkeye states quickly. "You're going to forget. And I can't do this again. I can't-"
Hawkeye shakes his head, sniffling once before he pulls away, tucking the feeling of BJ's arms around him, of his lips pressed against his, of his hands holding him closely, tucking all of it back into a corner of his mind.
He wipes his face and looks up at BJ, looks at the tears leaving tracks down BJ's face, at the way his face is creased in pain-
"I won't remember this when I wake up," BJ says, watching him carefully, "but that's why you did it, isn't it?"
Hawkeye nods mutely.
"God, I'm an idiot," BJ says bitterly. "I should have seen this. Should've seen the way you're always on edge when having to introduce yourself again, the way you've shared less and less of yourself- I thought it was just the war and time, didn't think- this is it, huh?" He looks at Hawkeye with a grimace. "I'll never know about this- will I? I'll never know you again- not like this."
"No," Hawkeye agrees flatly, "you won't. But you won't know that. Only I will remember."
"...that's a lot to carry, Hawk."
"All memories are, Beej." Hawkeye says. "It hurts each and every day I wake up, and even when I sleep the memories haunt my nightmares. Memories hurt and sometimes, sometimes they don't and I cherish each of those- you're a special case: you're both. You hurt and yet I'll never forget how happy you've made me."
BJ is quiet, hand still resting protectively on Hawkeye's neck. "Your last memory of me is going to hurt."
"My last memory of you is what's going to keep me going- I might know a thousand yous, but this one- you'll have been my first and only." Hawkeye looks down at his hands shaking in his lap, blinking and watching the tears fall onto his palms. "I love you, Beej. In case you couldn't tell- I love you so much and I don't ever want to forget."
"Hawk..."
"It's okay," Hawkeye says, looking at BJ. He smiles, and it feels bittersweet on his lips. "It's okay, Beej. I get it. I get it- I'll be here when you wake up. It's okay, just close your eyes and lay down."
"I don't-"
"It's already over." Hawk states, not wanting to draw out the pain of this any longer. "You've taken the pill. You're going to forget me. Just- just lay down."
BJ watches him, knowing better than to try and fight him. He nods and slowly shifts lower, before stretching out and gently laying his head in Hawkeye's lap.
"Beej-"
"It's my last memory too- I won't remember this, but I get to decide my last few moments. And I want to fall asleep like this, watching you and safe in your arms. Would you refuse me that?" BJ looks up at him imploringly.
Hawkeye blinks, watching a tear fall and land in BJ's hair. He goes to wipe it away, hand taking a mind of its own and instead slowly starts carding through the strands gently.
"No," Hawkeye laughs brokenly. "I can't refuse you anything."
BJ watches him closely. "Anything?"
"Don't do it-"
"Remind me when I wake up," BJ pleads, hand coming to touch the side of Hawk's face. "Remind me when I wake up that we kissed-"
"Don't ask that of me-"
"Hawk, sweetheart," BJ interrupts gently, "please."
"It won't change anything- I can't-"
"I know- maybe it won't make a difference to you, but it will to me."
"I can't give you-"
"I'm not asking for anything except that- just tell me. No strings attached. You don't have to love the new-me. You don't have to give me anything. I know remembering this will hurt."
"Forgetting will hurt too."
"I know," BJ says sadly. "I know- trust me it does. ...Please, Hawk."
Hawkeye eyes him, and with a desperate look, he shakes his head slowly. "I can't-"
BJ sighs out, shoulders sinking and eyes closing. "That's-" He swallows thickly. "That's okay, I understand."
Hawkeye watches the way BJ seems to fall in on himself, hand falling from his cheek to BJ's lap, the way he seems smaller now.
Is this what you want? Your last memory of him to be one of pain and sadness? Hawkeye thinks to himself. It was going to hurt, regardless. Kissing him hurt and remembering will hurt and this will hurt. Nothing about this is painless.
He feels the way BJ starts to breathe raggedly, eyes leaking tears from the corners.
Is this how you want it to be?
Hawkeye feels himself break, knowing that this isn't what they should be like.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a stub of a pencil and prods BJ's shoulder with it.
BJ opens his eyes tiredly, trying to look at his prodded shoulder. "What do you want, Hawk? I'm trying to fall asleep."
Hawkeye moves the pencil in front of his face.
"What?" BJ asks, eyeing the pencil with confusion.
Hawkeye sighs. "I can't tell you when you wake up. I can't. But you can tell yourself now. You can write it in your letter. For when you wake up."
BJ's eyes light up even as he blinks again, eyes heavy with sleep. "You sure?"
Giving a weak smile, Hawkeye nods. "Yeah, go ahead. I promise I won't erase it."
BJ snatches the pencil, his other hand grabbing the folded paper tucked into his shirt pocket, propping it up on his bent knee as he begins to hurriedly scrawl. He keeps writing even as he starts yawning repeatedly.
Hawkeye watches him fondly, feeling it break through all the pain and sadness of the moment, like sunlight between dark clouds. His hand moves to trace against BJ's cheekbones, over the bridge of his nose, down to gently feel the press of lips against his thumb.
Isn't that better? Wouldn't you want to remember him like this instead?
Minutes later, BJ's voice rings out: "There."
Hawkeye looks at BJ smiling in satisfaction at the paper, once again folded and clutched in his hand.
"All good?" Hawkeye asks, mouth twitching upward at the smile BJ gives him.
"Perfect." BJ replies, grabbing Hawkeye's wandering hand and bringing it to his mouth, pressing a kiss against his palm, his fingertips, and his wrist, all without breaking eye contact.
"Beej..." Hawkeye breathes out.
"Sweetheart," BJ replies softly, eyes closing as he yawns out. "I'm getting tired."
"I know," Hawkeye says, feeling his eyes begin to burn again. "It's okay."
"I'm sorry-" BJ whispers. "For what it's worth. I'm sorry this is the way things are."
"Me too, Beej. Me too."
"You'll be here when I wake up?"
"Yeah," Hawkeye smiles and ignores his tears. Ignores his hands beginning to shake again. "I'll be here when you wake, love."
"...good..." BJ breathes out, hand slipping to his chest as he begins to be pulled toward sleep. "I'll... see you soon... sweetheart..."
Hawkeye feels himself sob as BJ's words trail off, his body going lax as he falls asleep finally, losing the fight against consciousness. Feels his heart finally shatter as everything comes to an end. As he loses his best friend, as he loses his confidant, his right-hand man, the person he was in love with.
As he loses all that could have been, would have been had everything been different.
He can't feel his body as he shakes, losing all sense of time as he feels himself consumed by his emotions- all the pain, all the heartache, all the good times, all the memories and daydreams. He can barely breathe for the pain, for the way it feels like the worst day of his life- there is no way he will ever forget this feeling.
He doesn't know how long it's been when he comes back to himself, breath evening out, BJ still sound asleep in his lap, the sun just beginning to rise outside, sending small rays of light into the supply shed.
Slowly reaching out, heart and head numb, Hawkeye slips the piece of paper from BJ's closed hand, shakily unfolding it to read the last words BJ thought were so important he needed to read them the moment he woke up.
Dear Self (BJ Hunnicutt),
You won't know this, but I've- we've- just taken the pill. A whole one, a whole year erased like that. I know you will only remember getting to Korea- happy first day.
It's hell here, I won't lie. But you could've guessed that, what with us taking a pill just to no longer remember. Even though we said we wouldn't- it got to be too much. And don't worry, Peg understands. She knows why, and she's not upset.
Here are some quick facts just in case you don't have time to read our journal before wounded arrive:
- Hawkeye, the tall, lanky man that makes everyone laugh and seems to be holding the camp together, is your best friend. He's who you met your first day, and you've been inseparable ever since. Stick close to him, and things will be manageable- not okay, not fine, it's terrible here, but he will make it so you get through. Just take care of him; he'll never take the pill, and all those memories make him lose his mind and himself sometimes.
- The wounded will come in. And you'll think you'll be able to handle it. You won't. You will see more death and destruction than you thought the world could contain. Throw up once and then get on with it. Every second wasted is someone that is closer to dying or dead. Watch Hawkeye work, he's the one who's remembered the most and he knows how to get people on and off his table as fast as possible while still getting them stable. This isn't healing people- this is just keeping them alive that much longer to get them somewhere else for healing.
- Radar is the kid you think is too young to even be here, but without which the entire camp would collapse. He's so young and just look out for him when you can.
- Margaret is the head nurse- she's constantly at war with herself about what the army wants of her and who she wants to be. Be kind, but don't worry about upsetting her with the truth. She can handle it.
- Charles is your roommate (the other is Hawkeye). He's a jerk and a snob. He's not too bad when you get to know him. Don't take any of his shit, but he's a good doctor and sometimes a decent human if the weather is good.
- Everyone else you will get to know. They're all good people. Stay away from generals and authority figures- the majority are rotten to the core- follow Hawkeye's lead if you're in doubt.
- Erin is now one. She's growing so big. And I know it hurts, but Peg sends as many pictures as she can, writes what Erin's up to. She shows your photo to Erin every morning- it doesn't make up for it. But it's better than nothing. It's not fair- I know. It's not fair and it's awful and we shouldn't be here and Erin should have her father and Peg her husband and yet you are here.
That's all I've got for you. It won't be easy, and it won't be worth it, but you'll make it somehow (it's Hawkeye). He's the reason you'll make it. It'll be a living hell, but you'll learn your part.
Sincerely,
Past-you, BJ Hunnicutt
Post Script: I just took the pill, I'll be asleep soon. Hawkeye just kissed us, and it felt like home. Remember what Peg said? She still thinks like that. Don't let him get away. He won't be easy- he's been hurt and left and has so much inside of him, but it will be worth it. IT WILL BE WORTH IT. Don't let him get away- he's everything you've ever wanted. Peg already loves him. If you're going to try with him, you will NEVER be able to take the pill. Do you understand? You will have to prove it to him day after day because of what I've done- and he is worth all the pain. He'll be there when you wake up. It will be awkward and weird and he won't trust you and he'll keep himself inside but just be by his side. Be there and love him. No matter what. He might never trust you. But love him, please. If you do one thing for me, for this self you'll never know or remember, just love him. Because I can't. I love him so much and there's nowhere to go with it. Just love him and tell him and never forget.
Never forget.