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Warm, diffused light filtered in through the almost-shut curtains, accompanied by the chorus twittering birdsong, alerted Tango to the start of a new day. Despite common belief, Tango actually was a morning person. The quiet and still world, not quite ready to start the hustle and bustle of the day, it calmed him in a unique way that nothing else could replicate. The next thing he noticed, alongside the chirps and trills, was a steady, deep breathing next to his ear. A strong arm wrapped heavily around his middle grounded him in the moment of pure joy, realising who's body it was pressed up against him. Slowly and carefully, Tango turned to face the man who has well and truly stolen his heart over the past few months. The dappled light bounced off his golden, shoulder length locks, making it sparkle and shine like a halo. He looked so peaceful. Vulnerable in a way Tango knew was so rarely shown to anyone. He felt blessed to witness it, here in his bed.
Tango stared at the still sleeping Martyn for a few minutes, idly tracing patterns on his bare, tanned shoulders. He knew it was time to get up and out of bed. There were things to do and only so many hours in the day. But the peace Tango felt right there, looking at the beautiful, strong, hilarious man he'd met just by chance, was too much to just walk away from so quickly. So he gave himself a bit more time, relishing in the safe aura that surrounded Martyn at all times.
Eventually though, Tango’s ADHD rattled brain wouldn't allow him to lie motionless any longer. He slipped out of bed, chucked on his running shorts and a random black tank top. Checking the clock on his phone showed him it was 6:35am, enough time for a jog around campus and, hopefully, back before the rest of the apartment awoke from their slumber. He put on his noise cancelling bluetooth headphones, grabbed the pre-filled water bottle from the fridge and headed out the door. With early 2000's pop punk music blasting in his ears, he started his leisurely run in the early morning breeze. The scheduled exercise was recommended to him by his doctor, supposedly to help with his anxiety and ADHD. He was told it would help him focus and wake him up without feeling sluggish and disorganised later. And to be fair to the doctor, it did work! It settled his antsy energy and the exercise increased the levels of dopamine and serotonin in his brain, simulating the expensive medication he'd taken for so long. Knowing information like that helped his very analytical brain. He still took his medication, going for a run didn't magically cure his ADHD. But it was nice, seeing the day break and having this time all to himself, with no immediate responsibilities or chores or feelings taking over his mind.
After around 20 minutes, he found himself walking back through the door of his apartment to see Impulse sitting at the kitchen island eating cereal. He gave him a quick nod hello before taking off his running shoes and going straight for the coffee machine. His run might have woken him up some, but caffeine was still the love of Tango's life. Well, maybe second love.
“Your boytoy is hogging the shower again,” Impulse deadpanned as Tango sat next to him with his double espresso.
“One,” Tango said whilst counting with his fingers. “Not my boytoy. Two, is it illegal to take a shower? You don't see me stopping Zed when he sleeps over. And three,” he flips his sweaty hair out of his eyes to look straight at Impulse. “Stop being so hard on him, you guys need to get along. Please, for me?” Tango straight up pouted at Impulse, causing him to chuckle and lean back.
“We get along just fine! But he sleeps here more than his own place. He's gonna have to start paying bills soon! Or, you know, if your two were actually in a relationship, like me and Zed, then maybe I could let it slide.” A self-satisfied grin plastered his face, knowing exactly how this conversation would go.
“Impy, we've talked about this a bajillion times! Neither of us want an exclusive relationship right now. We're happy with the way things are. No stupid pressure, no possessiveness or insecurity, and no commitment! It's the perfect situation really.” They really had had this conversation many times. Impulse just didn't understand that sometimes simple was better. Tango and Martyn knew each other enough to know they were both happy with the way things were. But somewhere deep in Tango's heart, he also knew that he wanted more. And somehow, it seemed like Impulse knew that too.
“I don't believe you. I've never seen you act this way around your flings of the past. This is different, Tango, you're different.”
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Tango squeaked, defiance lacing his voice.
“I mean… you get all googly-eyed when you see him. You get flustered and giggle like you're 15 again. You used to be able to give as good as you got, but now you've gone all… soft… It's kinda gross if I'm honest.” Impulse scrunched up his nose in disgust, but his eyes showed he was clearly enjoying riling Tango up.
Tango stuttered, mouth opening and closing as he searched for something to say back. “I– I am not going soft! I'll have you know I–” He stopped suddenly, watching his gorgeous… something wander into the joint kitchen and living room. Martyn was wearing nothing but grey sweatpants that were hanging loosely and low on his hips, exposing his toned, muscled chest and the deep V disappearing below the waistline. He was roughly drying his damp blond hair as he walked over to open the fridge. Tango was still sitting staring, almost like he was entranced by Martyn’s sheer beauty.
A noise startled him as he turned to see Impulse sniggering into his Frosted Flakes. Tango grunted and jumped down from the bar stool. “I'm going for a shower,” he stated as he left the room. Distantly he could hear Impulse complaining. Something about it being his turn. Tango smiled to himself as he opened the bathroom door, steam seeping out left over from Martyn’s long shower.
The hot water soothed his aching muscles and washed off the sweat and dust that had accumulated on his skin during his run. He dried himself off, wrapped a towel around his waist and headed back to his bedroom. Whilst throwing on black cargo pants and a cropped old band tee from Impulse, he noticed the curtains were fully drawn with the window open a crack. The bed was nicely made, topped with the throw pillows neatly arranged at the head of the bed. This was something he greatly appreciated about Martyn. His past flings were very stereotypical punks and metalheads. In other words, messy and lazy. It made a nice change to Tango, to have someone actually care about the things that he himself struggled with. His scattered brain would often forget about the small tasks like this. He smiled as he blow dried his hair to achieve his signature fluffy mohawk and adding hair spray to keep it somewhat styled.
By the time he walks back to the kitchen Impulse is gone, presumably to have the shower he's been trying to have all morning. Martyn was stood at a counter, combining ingredients to make Tango's preferred breakfast of choice. He sauntered over to wrap his arms around his bare back and stomach, leaning his head against Martyn's arm in a relaxed side hug. Martyn looks down at him, a peaceful smile on his face.
“Good morning, love,” he almost whispers.
Fuck. This man will be the death of me. Tango thinks and he stares up into those electric green eyes that put the most lavish of emeralds to shame.
“Morning babe. You do know it's my job to make the pancakes, right?” Tango says as he runs his hand up and down his spine.
Martyn tuts and shakes his head. “I'm just getting the mixture ready. I wouldn't even dare try to cook them for you. You have strangely high standards when it comes to pancakes, you know that?” He chuckles as he whisks the ingredients together.
“Hey, when it comes to pancakes I'd rather have them perfect or not at all!” Tango exclaimed as he removed himself from Martyn's tall and sturdy frame to get the heavy, well used cast iron pan from the cupboard.
He took over making their breakfast as Martyn went to finish getting ready for the day. Mornings like this felt beautifully domestic to Tango. The little routine they had built around each other worked so seamlessly and naturally. They still did butt heads, of course! Tango was nothing if not stubborn and fiery. It didn't help that Martyn was also headstrong and persistent when it came to the things he was passionate about. Or even small and trivial things just to be petty and irritate Tango. He was definitely good at that. Martyn knew exactly how to get under his skin, to provoke him almost to the point of boiling over before pulling back and sweeping him off his feet. The emotional whiplash that man gave Tango was addicting. It made him feel alive and energised. It was a pure adrenaline rush that he was constantly chasing like he would die without it.
They ate peacefully at the small dining table and talked about their plans for the day ahead.
“Scott's invited me to brunch with him and Jimmy, wanna tag along?” Martyn asked once he was halfway through his fluffy and flawless pancakes.
Tango took a few seconds to think. Martyn's roommates were… intense. He was sure they hated him in one way or another. Scott was definitely more obvious about it, giving him short and clipped answers, forcefully nudging him with his arm as he walked past. Jimmy was subtle but the suspicion was still there in the way he would shoot daggers with his eyes from across the room. It's why Tango didn't like sleeping over at their apartment and always suggested they stay here. Martyn never questioned it, but it was no secret that the couple made him slightly uncomfortable. Having to sit at a table with them for a whole meal did not seem an enjoyable time for Tango.
“Nah, that's alright! You go hang with your bros. I've got a lecture at 1pm anyway.”
“Okay, darling.” He smiled. “Let me know if you change your mind.”
_______
He didn't change his mind and he was absolutely kicking himself for it after his lecture. Tango was leaning against the kitchen counter waiting for his coffee to brew when he took out his phone to check his socials. Scrolling down he saw the typical posts of upcoming parties, stressing over college work and people selling used and gross looking furniture. The next post he saw made his heart stop momentarily. It was a group selfie of four people sitting around a table filled with delicious looking food. The person taking the photograph was a teal haired man with soft features and piercing blue eyes. Scott was also with Jimmy, Martyn and another man Tango recognised and Ren. Ren was tall and jacked, the complete opposite to Tango. His long brown hair cascading down his back and shoulders complimented his bronze, tanned skin. In the selfie, he had his arm wrapped around Martyn's waist, pulling him close. They were clinking their mimosa glasses, both with radiant smiles on their faces. They almost looked like a couple going on a double date. Tango stared at the picture. He wanted to turn his phone off and throw it across the room. He wanted to run to that restaurant as fast as his feet could take him. He wanted to punch the lovely, sweet Ren in the face. There were a lot of things he wanted to do at that moment. Instead he stood, stockstill, staring at his phone like the photograph would suddenly morph into something different.
He wasn't mad at Martyn. No, of course not. Going out for a meal with three friends wasn't wrong of him. They weren't even in an exclusive relationship. Or any relationship for that matter! They were just friends that kissed a lot, went on dates often and shared the same bed most nights. So why did Tango feel a deep stab of betrayal in his heart?
Shit. I'm in love with him.
“Well of course you are! Are you only just now realising this?” Skizz says abruptly. Tango must have spoken his inside thoughts out loud again. He startled slightly at the unexpected voice joining his conversation with himself. Sliding his phone away from him, he rests his forehead on the cool stone countertop.
“Skizz, I'm fucked,” Tango groaned.
“Nah, buddy! I don't think so! Ya just gotta talk to the kid, I'm almost positive he feels the same way, Top.” Skizz was always the optimist in their friendship group. He was generally full of hope and looked at most situations with rose tinted glasses. Of course he wouldn't think Tango was as fucked as he sure was at the moment.
“No, Skizz, you don't understand,” he sighed as he rolled his head over to face his friend. The cold surface stung his heated cheeks. “He doesn't do relationships. I don't think I can do this anymore, man. I need him, but if I can't have all of him I think I'll go insane.”
“That's impossible, homie! You're already insane!” Skizz laughed as he leant over to look at Tango's phone. “Oh Tango, don't worry about Ren, he just flirts with everyone! And so does Scott, but you've never had a problem with him.”
He glares at Skizz, scrunching up his nose and furrowing his brows. “Yeah, that doesn't make me any better, buddy. And at least I know Scott. He's a prick, but at least I know he'd never cross that line, especially because he already has Jimmy.” Tango stood up straight, popping the joints in his back as he stretched. He poured the freshly brewed coffee into his comically large mug, grounding himself in the comforting warm and earthy aroma.
“What's your dealio with those two cats anyway Top? They're Martyn's roommates but you haven't even tried to get along with them.”
“I don't have a problem with them,” Tango squeaked indignantly. “If anything, they're the ones with a problem! Jimmy is always giving me the stink eye. He just sits there, ominously, staring at me like I shat in his cereal or something. And then there's Scott, with his condescending quips and self-righteous attitude. Honestly, that clown needs to chill out more,” Tango scoffed as took a long sip of his scalding hot coffee.
Skizz giggles to himself, making Tango raise an eyebrow. “Ha, no, it's just–” Skizz shook his head in amusement. “You know, you and Scott are so similar, like twinsies, two peas in a pod!”
“What on earth are you talking about Skizz? Are you insane? I'm nothing like him!”
“Think about it Top, you're both fiercely loyal to your friends, both very quick witted, both very clever–”
“Im technically a genius, actually,” Tango muttered.
“– And the two of you are the feistiest and most passionate people I know! Also, you both love Martyn, just in very different ways.”
“Shut it, Skizz,” Tango hissed. “That last bit doesn't leave this room, ya hear? I don't wanna scare him off.”
“Of course Top, wouldn't dream of it.” Skizz smiles at him warmly, placing a hand on his shoulder. Skizz has always been a great friend to Tango. He was a chaotic knucklehead but he was also incredibly caring and sweet. He was the best person to go to for advice when it came to emotions. The empathy that man was capable of was incredible. But that also meant he was good at getting information out of anyone, even when that person didn't want to talk at all.“Now about this Ren issue?”
“Nah, it's fine, Skizz. I was just overreacting. The ol’ brain ain't brainificating today.”
“Well buddy! If it makes you feel any better, I really don't see Ren as a threat when it comes to you and your man. He's always flirtatious and touchy with the cast in the theatre group. He's never serious about it, it's just the way he is!”
“Wait, since when did you do theatre?”
“Few weeks! Sounded fun!” Skizz beamed at him.
“You're crazy, man,” Tango laughed.
He needed to talk to Martyn. This wasn't fair on either of them. Butterflies swarmed his stomach at the prospect of that conversation going badly. What if Martyn freaked out again like last time? What if he got upset about him not respecting the boundaries clearly laid out before they started this whole situationship? What if he flat out rejected him and never wanted anything to do with him ever again?
That was the question that petrified Tango. It was the main one making him reluctant to say anything at all. Because, even if it hurt Tango to his core, he would rather just be friends than never be in Martyn's magnetic orbit. To never feel the safety wrapped around him in those early morning hours. To never have the stupidly domestic feeling moments making breakfast together. To never know Martyn would simply be pure torture.
_______
Tango was starting to freak out slightly. It's just a movie night! He tried telling himself. A movie night at Martyn's apartment. A movie night and Martyn's apartment where Scott and Jimmy will also be. That was the part that made Tango nervous. It wasn't the first time he'd been to their apartment, but it was the first time he'd be staying for more than a couple of hours. After his talk with Skizz a few days ago, he'd asked Martyn if they could spend more time away from his place. If he wanted this thing he had with Martyn to be something more in the future then he needed to get his closest friends on his side. Tango was normally good at getting people to like him. He was usually able to charm his way into people's good graces. Scott and Jimmy seemed to be immune to this, however. It was infuriating to Tango. He didn't understand why they were so reluctant to let him in.
He stalled as he slowly made his way down the corridor towards the shared apartment, trying to gear himself up and prepare for whatever awaited him on the other side of the door. He knocked and stood back. Fingers hastily rubbed on the hem of his red leather jacket as nervous energy ran through his veins. The door flung open revealing blond hair and radiant smile. All the nervousness that was slowly building in Tango's body instantly released.
“Hey Sparkie! Come ‘ere,” Martyn said as he gathered Tango's lithe frame in a crushing bear hug. As he pulled away he planted a soft kiss on forehead that sent a shiver down his spine. “Did you bring the snacks?”
“Of course!” Tango beamed, handing over the plastic carrier bag. “It was the only job you let me do for this,” he said as he was pulled into the apartment by a strong arm.
“You're the guest tonight! I don't want you lifting a finger, sweetheart.” The last part was whispered directly into Tango's ear and definitely shouldn't have been as hot as it was. He stared back up Martyn with wide eyes, only to be met by a menacing smirk.
Cheeky fucker.
The layout of the apartment was very similar to Tango's. An open living room and kitchen area, but with only three doors lining the walls instead of four. The living room was also a little smaller and cosier, filled with vibrant green plants, antique looking decor and mismatched eclectic furniture. It was a stark contrast to the minimalistic and bare bones apartment he shared with Impulse and Skizz. To be fair to them, they didn't really hang around long enough to warrant any decorations other than necessities. The only decor they had were half finished redstone experiments, scattered plans and countless piles of books. This place felt nice. It made him feel warm. It felt more like a home.
“Hey, Tango!” Scott shouted from the kitchen area. “Martyn said you like hot food so I'm making spicy beef noodles. Is that okay?” Surprised by the sudden civility from the normally abrasive Scott, Tango took a few seconds to respond.
“Uh, yeah! That's—uh, that's great, thank you! If you guys are fine with that too?”
“Oh, silly me. You misunderstood. You see, I actually like to taste my food so I'll be making it mild for us normal people.”
There's the prick I know.
“Ha! That's impressive! You managed to insult more than half the world just to have a dig at me. You must care so much!” Sarcasm dripped off Tango's words as Scott spun on the spot, still in front of the stove, with a wooden spoon in hand.
“Oi! You two have barely been in the same room for ten seconds and you're already going at it?” Martyn said, looking between both of them.
“I'm sorry, Martyn, dear. I promised to be on my best behaviour.” The fake sweetness in Scott's voice just pissed Tango off even more. He joined Jimmy at the already set dining table.
“Hey, Jimmy.”
“Hi,” he said without looking up from his phone.
Martyn sat down next to Tango with and smiled apologetically. He must have known this would be awkward for all of them. But it was important for Tango to at least try, no matter how infuriating the couple were. Eventually, Scott placed their bowls on the table and they all dug in. It was surprisingly delicious. The balance of spices and savoury flavours felt nostalgic to Tango, having grown up in a house where hot sauce doused nearly every meal.
“This is actually so good, Scott. Would you mind sending me the recipe?”
Scott looked taken aback by the genuine compliment. “Um, yeah! Sure! It wasn't really that complicated.” A small laugh was barely audible.
“No, seriously! It's hard sometimes not to overpower the flavours with heat, especially if you're not a big fan of spice yourself.”
“Well thank you, Mr. Tek.” He sounded surprised, but took the praise. The corners of his mouth curved to a slight smile.
The conversation for the rest of the dinner went plain-sailing, with only a few minor jabs and digs from both sides of the table. Tango managed to stay calm, mostly due to the large hand on his knee. They were just clearing the table when a chirping sound rang out from the kitchen. When Martyn picked up his phone to look at the caller ID, he hesitated before turning to look at Tango.
“I need to take this, I'll be right back,” he said whilst walking towards a bedroom. “Ren, what's…” was all he heard as the door shut.
Tango's heart jolted in his chest. Even after a long discussion with Skizz, he still felt unsure about a good-looking and very flirty man hanging around Martyn so much. He stared at the door for far too long, with a pile of dirty bowls still in his hands.
“Hey, want me to take those?” Tango turned to see Jimmy holding a hand out for the dishes. He cleared his throat before answering.
“Yeah, thanks. Sorry, must have been daydreaming or something,” he said as he passed them over. Jimmy and Scott shared a look, seemingly having a silent conversation. Tango was just about to question them when a panicked Martyn reentered the room. Marching straight up to Tango, he took both of his hands in his own.
“I'm so sorry, Sparks. I've got to run to the Performing Arts building. This play has been nothing but stressful so far.” Tango could see his chest heaving, his hands were shaking slightly and he was visibly sweating. “I'll, er, be back as soon as I can. Shouldn't take long.”
“Do you have to go? I mean, can't someone else sort out whatever is wrong?”
“I'll be honest, I don't think I would be able to sit still knowing there's a problem without being the one to fix it. I am directing it, after all. Will you be okay here?”
Tango was unsure. Scott and Jimmy had been manageable so far, but that was while Martyn was present. All hell could break loose the second it was just the three of them. He didn't get to answer though, as a firm hand landed on his shoulder.
“We'll look after him, make sure he doesn't get up to mischief,” Jimmy laughed from behind him. With that, Martyn placed a kiss on Tango's cheek and quickly departed.
After a small amount of awkward standing around, Scott gestured Tango toward the large couch. He sank into it, suddenly feeling heavy and tired. The two other men sat on armchairs opposite, looking at him intensely. It made Tango more nervous than he was on his way there.
“So!” Scott's loud and sharp voice made him jump out of his skin. “Now it's become obvious you'll be sticking around, it's about time we got to know you better.”
“Erm, sure! I'm an open book. What do you want to know?” Tango asked.
“What are you doing with Martyn?”
“Jimmy. You can't start off with that! We've got to ease him into it, you dummy.” Scott hissed. He lightly punched his arm before turning back to Tango. “But, now that you've got the ball rolling, I guess we can continue. Tango, what are you doing with Martyn?”
He was shocked with the brazen questioning coming from the almost strangers. But this might be his chance to get answers. They've opened the door on hard hitting questions, Tango might as well join in.
“Well, ideally, I'd like to date him. Like, properly. But every time I've brought up anything to do with us and the future he completely shuts down. Do you two know what's up with that?”
Scott and Jimmy exchanged another silent conversation before meeting Tango's eyes again.
“What did he say? Did he say why he doesn't want to talk about it?” Jimmy asks.
A sigh escaped Tango's lips. “Not anymore, he'll just abruptly change the subject. But he used to say, and I quote, ‘I'm no good at relationships, I can't be vulnerable’.” He said with a terrible impression of Martyn's accent. “But that has never made sense to me. What we're doing now isn't much different than actually dating.”
It felt strange, being so open about his troubles with two people he wouldn't even call friends. They had been nothing but difficult and irritating previously, always an obstacle for Tango to climb over just to spend time with Martyn. But if anyone were able to help him in his pursuit of this relationship, it would be them. They knew Martyn better than anyone after all, and Tango was always one to wear his heart on his sleeve.
The couple exchanged weary glances before turning back to Tango. Jimmy sat up straight, seemingly schooling himself for whatever came next.
“So, Martyn said he'd spoken to you about our childhood and what not. How much do you know?”
Tango wasn't happy about the sudden change in subject. He was hoping to get to the bottom of Martyn's commitment issues, but he indulged them anyway. “Yeah, he mentioned that the place you grew up in was a homophobic shit show, and that you both decided to get out of dodge real fast before the cul– I mean village found out they had a couple'a lavender cowboys amongst their ranks.”
Scott leant over to stage-whisper in Jimmy's ear. “I told you it was a cult.” Jimmy dramatically rolled his eyes before gesturing to carry on.
“And then he just said how the two of you struggled on your own until you heard about Hermitopia and enrolled in the Heart Foundation to get on your feet here. That's all really. He doesn't like to talk about it that much.”
“Right. Well, I'm not gonna dive into the nitty-gritty details because that's up to him. But, basically I'm the reason he's reluctant to get into a relationship. He stupidly thinks that if he's tied down or ‘weak’, as he would put it, he wouldn't be able to protect me. He's spent all my life protecting me, being my guardian, my knight in shining armour. I've told him that I don't need that anymore, that I'm a grown adult, but he still sees it as his responsibility. He's worried that the second he turns his back, the whole world will come crumbling down around us. Theatre kids, am I right?” He scoffed.
Tango could understand that. He'd do a lot to protect his friends, but maybe not to that extent. He'd not gone through the pain and turmoil that is leaving your whole family, friends and everything you know about life behind. He was the older one between him and Jimmy, so of course he would have put himself in charge. That alone could have categorically messed with his head. Putting walls up around his own heart must have been the only choice he could make to ensure their safety alone on the streets at fourteen and fifteen.
But how do I break through that?
A loud noise erupted from down the corridor outside the apartment broke him from his thoughts.
“MAJOR!”
“Shit,” Scott hissed. He bolted upright, dragging Jimmy up as well. “That didn't take as long as I thought,” he whispered, panic in his eyes. He grabbed Tango's arm and hoisted him to his feet as well, positioning himself behind the two blond men. Tango yelped as the couch disappeared from beneath him, only managing to steady himself as the door flung open. Martyn stood in the doorway staring at them until his eyes landed on Scott's.
“What the fuck, Scott?! You know how stressful the show has been to put on, and you fake an emergency?” The man in question hid more behind Jimmy, who in turn looked exasperated, almost bored, like he was often used as a meat shield between the two.
Tango turned to Scott bewildered. “What did you do?”
Scott smiled sheepishly at him before talking to his shoes. “I Just wanted to talk to you, privately! I didn't realise he'd be this pissed off.”
“OI! ‘He’ is in the room right now,” Martyn growls as he stalks towards them. Tango doesn't know whether to be scared or heated. “You know what this production means to me. You've seen me put blood, sweat and tears into it, yet you pay Ren to pull me away so you can, what, shovel talk the guy I'm seeing?”
“Martyn, slow your breathing down.” Now that Jimmy had pointed it out, Tango could see his chest heaving rapidly. Quick, shallow breaths shook him like he'd just ran a mile.
“Don't, Jimmy.” He swiftly put his attention back on the tuft of teal hair poking out from behind their shoulders. “What are you doing there, Scott? Hiding behind the two people I care about most? Stop being such a coward.”
Tango could see this wasn't what Scott had intended. He might have been a menace, but he obviously didn't mean to hurt Martyn like this. He could see his hands had started clenching into fists, he could see sweat starting to form on his forehead.
Wait, did he just say he cared about me as much as Jimmy?
Taking a deep breath, he stepped forward. “Babe, lay off him a bit, yeah?” His hands were outstretched, palms facing Martyn, like one would with a wild animal. The shallow breaths turned into hyperventilating as he seemed to only just realise that Tango was standing in front of him. Jimmy took the cue to rush up and pull Martyn away into one of the bedrooms. Surprisingly, he went without contest, leaving just Tango and the still quivering Scott in the living room.
It took a few seconds for him to understand what had just happened. That was clearly an overreaction, right?
“What just happened, Scott?” he asked without averting his gaze from the bedroom door.
“Oh, that? I'm surprised you haven't encountered a Martyn-sized panic attack before. He'll calm down in a few. He's just gotta work it out with his fists.” As if to prove a point, a loud thud came from what he assumed to be Martyns bedroom. He flinched at the sickening sound.
“But… why?”
“It's not my place to say, Tango. But I can say that it doesn't happen all the time, maybe once a month or so? He does struggle with it though and is pretty self conscious about other people seeing him like that.”
Tango couldn't understand how he'd missed this. Anxiety was super common, especially at a college filled with young, hormone riddled adults pushed to their limits to get passing grades. This was different though. He should have seen the signs, noticed that Martyn was wrestling with his own mind enough to get physical, even if it was just with a wall. His heart hurt thinking about him going through that alone. Tango stood there for what felt like hours, but was more likely five minutes. Suddenly, the thudding sounds came to a stop. A few seconds later Jimmy walked out, closing the door behind him. He looked slightly shaken up, but calm enough to worry Tango into thinking that this must be a regular occurrence. Without looking at Tango, he walked to the bathroom and returned with a small green box. As he got closer, Tango could see it was a first aid kit.
“Wait—” Tango surprised himself with his own voice. Jimmy stopped dead in his tracks before giving him a curious look. “Uh, can I? I'm first aid trained, kinda have to be at the lab, safety regs and all that, and I'd really like to take care of him. Is that okay?”
Jimmy considered it, maybe worrying about whether Martyn would be okay with allowing Tango to see him in the messed up state he must be in. “Um, yeah, sure. Just– he's fine now, but it's not pretty. So, prepare yourself,” he said whilst handing the green box over. Tango nodded before heading towards the closed door. He hesitated before turning the handle, but only for a second, and took a deep breath.
The first thing he noticed in Martyn's room was how dark it was. The curtains were fully closed and the only light source came from a small night light situated on the bedside table. From what he could see at the doorway, the room was clean and tidy and very Martyn. Movie posters lined the walls as well as various peaceful landscape artworks. The spotless white desk sat to the left of the door with just a computer, a lamp and a notebook placed neatly on top. There were several mismatched bookshelves covering a full wall, brimming with books of every size. Most notably however, was the double bed pushed into the corner of the room. Sitting hunched over and legs pulled up to his chest was Martyn.
Tango walked slowly over, placing the box on the bed before opening it to find the supplies he'd need. He pulled out a packet of alcohol wipes, a few different sizes of bandaids and a bandage, just in case. Martyn hadn't even looked up from his crumpled posture to see that it wasn't Jimmy in the room. Tango reached for the hand that appeared to be damaged and gently pulled it closer to the dim light to get a better look. He winced at the sight of the burn-like wounds on Martyns knuckles. There wasn't much blood, but it was obvious to Tango that it hurt like hell. The alcohol wipes were going to make it hurt more, but it was important not to risk infection. He cautiously grazed over the lesion to disinfect the area, causing Martyn to flinch and hiss through his teeth. Tango let out a small “sorry”, which must have grabbed his attention as his head shot up to stare at the man in front of him.
“Oh my god, Tango.” His voice sounded wrecked and broken. “What are you doing here? You shouldn't have to be putting up with this.”
Tango crouched to be on eye level with the blond, staring into the emerald green irises that still sparkled like gems even in the gloominess emitted from the night light. “Listen to me Martyn, I'm here because I care about you. I'm not just ‘putting up with this’. I want to help, darlin’. Please let me help?” Receiving a small nod from the blond, Tango resumed his work of cleaning the area and placing a bandaid on each wound. He brought the hand up and tenderly kissed each knuckle before looking back at Martyn. He looked exhausted. “Right, spoonification, mister. We need some cuddle action here pronto. Doctors orders.” He winked and took the flicker of a smile he got in return as a win. A wave of relief crashed over him to see Martyn not looking so empty and emotionless. He wasn't fully back, but it was a step in the right direction.
It was strange to see Martyn so pliant and boneless as Tango manoeuvred him into a comfortable position on the bed. He was often very against being manhandled in any situation, which Tango now thought was probably because of the need to be in control at all times. A sadness filled his heart as he realised that this may have been the first time Martyn hadn't been on guard, worrying about who could be around the corner waiting to rip his new life away. He laid down next to him with his hands still clutching his arms and gazing into the wet and reddened green eyes before him. Their faces were close as they continued to share breaths and look at each other in a comfortable silence until Tango cleared his throat.
“Can we talk about it?”
“I dunno, Tango. I don't really know what to say,” he whispered, like he was afraid of his own voice.
“How about I ask questions then? And you can totally skip if you don't want to answer.” He waited for another nod from Martyn before starting. “Why didn't you tell me?”
It took him a few seconds before speaking, seemingly gathering his thoughts. “I was scared you'd think I was weird. That you would leave.” Tango felt like he'd taken a punch to the gut. He tried to force his mouth to smile to relieve some tension.
“Oh, I don't frighten that easy, baby. But thank you for telling me. Next question, how did you manage to keep it a secret from me all these months?” The simple questions were being asked first, even if they weren't the ones Tango desperately wanted the answers to.
“Well,” he took a deep breath before slowly releasing it. “I'll be honest, it rarely happened when we were together. Sometimes I'd feel the start of one coming on, you know, my chest would tighten and my heart would start beating so fast. But then I'd look over at you, and you'd be doing something so mundane or normal. Just studying or fiddling with one of your skadoodlers,” Tango laughed softly at the use of one his own words. “You'd be sat there with your tongue slightly sticking out and your forehead all scrunched up like you do when you're concentrating real hard, and the horrible, dreadful feelings would just melt away. That's…that's never happened before. Normally, the only way to snap me out of it is to punch something or yell.”
“So, what I'm hearing is,” Tango said as his signature smirk settled on his lips. “I'm the answer to all your problems.”
Martyn snickered and briefly closed his eyes.“Oh, baby, I wish it was that simple.”
“How about, next time you need to yell, yell at me. The next time you need to punch something, punch me.”
His eyes widened as he wrapped his arms above and underneath Tango's waist, pulling their bodies closer. “No, darling, I could never hurt you.”
“I know.” Tango looked at him with nothing but love in his eyes.
“Why haven't you run for the hills yet?”
“There's no place I'd rather be right now than here with you.” It was true. He might have been scared, confused, worried sick and overwhelmed, but being there and holding Martyn filled him with a warmth that could rival the sun. It felt right, like for the first time in his life he was exactly where he was supposed to be.
“You're daft as a brush, Tango,” he said with a small, humourless laugh. “You should be out with your friends or finding someone who can look after you properly. You're worth so much more than this–” he weakly gestured to himself with a limp hand. “Pathetic mess taking up all your time.” Tango reached forward, cupping both cheeks with his warm palms and pulling him an inch closer.
“I may be ‘daft’ but I don't need looking after, Martyn. Believe it or not, but I don't need your protection. You don't need to burden your already-full shoulders. Instead, lighten the load. I'm stronger than you give me credit for. Let me help. Let me be here with you, by your side, your right hand man. Your partner.”
Martyn looked dazed. His grip on Tango's waist tightened as his eyes seemed to search his face for something.
“Tango?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
A sincere smile instantly stretched across Tango's face. His heart was going like a rapid drum. A sense of relief settled in his stomach. It felt like home.
“I love you too, Martyn.”
With his hands still cupping his cheeks, he pulled Martyn towards him into a soft kiss. Martyn deepened it, chasing after Tango as he started to pull back. It was as easy as breathing to give in to him. Their previous kisses were heated, fiery and fast. This was different. It was slower, but it felt like more. More purposeful, more intense, more loving than ever before. Talking wasn't needed as their actions alone told Tango all he needed to know about how Martyn felt. There was one thing, however, still worming its way in the back of his overactive mind.
They parted slowly and Tango opened his eyes to see shimmering pools of green, wet with unshed tears. Using a featherlight touch, he brushed away the loose strands of golden hair out of Martyn's face and tucked it behind his ear. “Before we go any further with this, with us, I need to ask you one more question,” Tango whispered.
“Anything,” Martyn replied as he mirrored the action, sweeping back Tango's fluffy curls from his forehead. The fond look he gave along with the gentle graze of callous fingers sent shock waves of sparks through Tango's whole being. His words caught in his throat, unable to speak fully until the embers dwindled slightly.
“I just–I just want to make sure I'm not stepping on nobody's toes….” Martyn's eyes widened and an eyebrow raised as he tilted his head backwards, confusion clear on his face. “So, you and Ren. Is there anything going on there?” He asked tentatively, already scared of the answer. The logical side of his brain knew that the most that could be going on between the two was a casual hookup. Something similar to what he and Martyn were doing, but obviously to a lesser extent as he slept at Tango's apartment most nights. The overanalyzing and probing side of his brain, however, was still thinking about that photograph he saw on social media. How close the two had seemed, both with beaming smiles and chemistry for days. He thought about all the interests they shared like theatre and writing. They travelled in the same circles, unlike him and Tango. They both even had a similar build, with Ren just being an inch or two taller. Tango would look like a pool noodle compared to them.
He was snapped out of his brain spiralling as he heard a genuine, barking laughter from Martyn making his whole body shake. His head was thrown back and it took longer than Tango would have liked for him to calm down. Once he did, Tango shot him an annoyed glare, hoping to convey the seriousness of his question.
“I–I'm so–orry, Tango,” he said between huffs of still-fading laughter. “You just– you caught me off guard with that.” He wiped a stray tear from his crinkled eyes whilst still smiling maniacally. Placing a large, grounding hand on Tango's hip in a placating manner, he continued. “Ren is…Well, have you heard of a work spouse?” Tango nodded. He understood the concept though he hadn't experienced anything like it himself. “We're like that. We flirt, we tease, we act like a couple. But I promise, it's purely platonic. He has a boyfriend, anyway. And I would not want to get on the wrong side of Doc.” Martyn shuddered.
“Doc? As in the Doc with a metal prosthetic arm and who is taller than a skyscraper? That Doc?" If he was right then he could understand the shudder. Doc was a scary guy to people who didn't know him well. Luckily for Tango, he shared a few classes with the Goliath as he was one of the few crazy people who were double majoring in STEM. One in Biomedical Engineering and another in Redstone Engineering. Tango considered him a friend. A friend that Tango wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of, however.
“Yeah, you know ‘im?” Martyn stifled a yawn and his words began to slur together. It was becoming clear that the emotional outburst and subsequent heart to heart was taking its toll.
“Yes, darlin’. Did you wanna take a little nap?”
“Uh-huh, but want you't stay.” Tango could see Martyn's eyelids falling as he spoke and pulled Tango's body flush with his own.
“I'm not going anywhere, baby.”
No movies were watched that night, but Tango didn't mind. He helped Martyn into some comfy pyjamas and spent the next hour or so watching his chest rise and fall. The exhaustion of the day was catching up with him too but his brain wouldn't shut off. The happiness swirling around his body made him restless and itchy. It felt like he'd downed a mug of espresso with an extra side of adrenaline. At one point he left the bedroom to briefly update his roommates on how Martyn was doing. Scott seemed relieved that he didn't mention the terrible plan to get Martyn away from the apartment. Tango definitely wasn't happy with the way he went about it, but couldn't be mad for long. After all, it was the catalyst that allowed them to finally be completely honest with each other. Silver linings and all that. Jimmy was shocked that Martyn had opened up as much as he had. He was also overjoyed that Tango had managed to break through his hardened exterior, and Martyn was allowing himself to love and be loved in return.
After Jimmy had made Tango the best cup of tea he'd ever drank, he made his way back to Martyn's room. He creeped in slowly and as quietly as he could. Rummaging through the dresser he found an oversized t-shirt of Martyn's to wear in lue of his own pyjamas. Well, it was oversized on him, the hem falling halfway down his thighs. It smelt like Martyn and made Tango feel warm right to his core. He climbed into bed, instantly being met with a cuddly Martyn pulling him onto his chest. With his ear directly over Martyn’s heart, he quickly drifted off. He felt content and safe wrapped in the arms of the man he loved.