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Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 1

Morning had come, and Nadia received word that the boy under her care could be discharged from the hospital that day so long as a placement was lined up for him. There was only one person she would allow to take him after what he’d been through. The last week and then some had been a nightmare of a wakeup call about the utter failure and horrid state of the Kerch foster care system.

She would have called sooner, but there was just too much to take care of and arrange while being the only person Kaz Rietveld had an ounce of trust in, though she could hardly call it “trust”. There wasn’t really a word for what had come to pass between them. She was there when he was found, and she stayed with him through every terrifying step of his rescue, examinations, and questionings from the Stadwatch and medical personnel. He had nobody else to sit with him, watch over him, and remind him that he was safe now.

Telling him he was safe felt like a lie she was trying to convince him of because that’s exactly how he looked at her every time she swore that he was. She could only hope that he had begun to believe her a little more after every step of every day resulted in him still being alright and unharmed any further.

Now, she had to call the only man she could imagine up to the task of taking Kaz in, but convincing Kaz to go to another foster placement had been a challenge that she wasn’t sure he’d follow through with. If it wasn’t for his scarecrow-like body and ruined leg that he could still barely walk on with a cane, she was sure he would have been on the opposite side of Kerch by then to stow away on a ship bound for Ravka. 

After making sure Kaz’s sleeping body was completely covered by his pile of freshly warmed blankets, she made her way out into the quiet hallway and pulled out her phone.

***

It was a morning of utter chaos in the Fahey house. Colm’s son Jesper and his son’s boyfriend Wylan were crashing through the kitchen to inhale their breakfast before running out the door where their friends Matthias and Nina were waiting for them in their beat-up car. They were going to a festival a couple hours west of their town of Tarweland for the afternoon, and Colm nearly made Jesper insane with the amount of instructions and last minute questions he had before he was allowed to shut the car door. Wylan mouthed an apologetic “sorry” to Colm through the window which made him chuckle.

Finally, the group shouted their goodbyes to Colm and drove down the road at a respectable pace to avoid his inevitable wrath that would surely await them upon their return. Colm watched until the car was out of sight before returning inside. 

As Colm was cleaning up the morning’s mess, his phone rang. He figured it was one of his employees calling about a shipment error or some other mistake needing his attention, but he was pleasantly surprised to see that that was not the case.  He answered immediately as he recognized the number and said, “Nadia, wonderful to hear from you! How are you?”

“Well, I’ve been better.”

He could hear the trepidation in her voice, and he stopped wiping down the counter.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“Are you open to another placement now?”

“I will be soon. The bedroom had a leak that went undetected for too long, and the wall needed to be gutted so everything could be repaired. I’ll be done with the repair pretty soon, though.”

“Shit,” she said under her breath.

“What’s wrong? Tell me how I can help.”

“There’s a bit of an emergency and I really need somewhere now. I have someone for you, but it’s… It’s a difficult situation. I don’t trust anyone else except for you.”

“I can always have them share a room with Jesper for the night and we can do a rush job to get everything ready. There’s really not too much left. I’ll just have to take the day off work.”

“I’m not sure how him sharing a room will work even if it’s just the night.” She sighed and asked, “What all have you heard about the boy found imprisoned in Ketterdam?”

Taken aback, he paused for a few beats before answering, “Not a whole lot. Just that he was found malnourished, abused, and chained up in a room. Arrests are still being made.”

“That’s the child I need a placement for. It’s… It’s bad, Colm. I’ve never seen anything like this.”

Colm leaned against the counter and said, “Tell me about him?”

***

On the drive from Ketterdam, Kaz remained quiet. There was nothing he could or wanted to say to Nadia before he was to be placed with a new foster parent. As much as he hated being in the hospital for the last week and a half, he dreaded what might await him at the new house. No matter how kind they might appear at first, he knew that he could be tricked just like he and Jordie were before. He could just as easily find himself stuck in a new prison for another seven years or longer.

Nadia had left him in peace with his thoughts save for a couple attempts to get him food or a least a new coat from a shop on the way down, but he refused. He was too sick to eat, and the idea of going anywhere in public made his skin crawl and his stomach lurch. He just wanted to hide somewhere safe, but he doubted anywhere like that existed for him anymore.  

Once they pulled up to the gate of the farm where his new foster family resided, Kaz’s heart sped up. Nadia noticed his breathing change, and she turned to look at him.

“Hey. It’s going to be okay this time. I swear.”

Kaz shook his head because he couldn’t accept that. She couldn’t know. Nobody had known for years and look what happened to him. He was a shell of himself.

“Give it a chance, okay? Out of all possible outcomes, this is the best one. You’re not in a psychiatric hospital, and you’re going somewhere where you’ll be taken care of as if you’re part of the family. This is a good man. And I’ll not just leave you here. I’ll keep checking in on you, alright?”

Kaz didn’t respond, and so she just turned back and punched in the gate code.

As curious as he was, he couldn’t take in as many of the details as he wanted. He managed to see from the moonlight and headlights that the farm was devoted to flower production with field after field of colorful blooms that he would have been enthralled with had he been who he was before his life was stolen away. He noted that the gravel road up to the house was long and there was what appeared to be a forest or grove of some kind not too far from the borders of the farm which might offer cover should he escape by some miracle.

Escape was an impossibility for him at that point. He was too sick, weak, and injured to make it more than a couple steps without wanting to give in and lay down. His entire body ached and trembled, but his leg gave him the most pain after what his imprisoners had done to it. He’d never walk without pain again.

His eyes glazed over when the white house with the criminally inviting porch got closer and closer until the car came to a stop. 

Once the car was in park, Nadia looked back at him sympathetically once more and said, “Let’s go, hon. You’ll be alright. You’ve managed to give me a little trust this last week, right? Trust me just a little more.”

Reluctantly, Kaz made himself get out of the car, though it took him a while to walk away from it and toward the porch. Nadia waited patiently without a word until he was at the bottom of the steps. Then, she turned to knock on the door which made him flinch.

It didn’t take long for the door to open and reveal a slender but strong man with a warm smile.

“Hello!”

Nadia greeted Colm with a not too firm handshake. Her exhaustion was evident in her eyes which she tried to hide with a grateful smile.

“Hope the drive out here was alright.”

“Not too bad.” Nadia turned around and beckoned. “This is Kaz Rietveld.”

Kaz awkwardly limped up the stairs with his black cane toward Nadia, but he didn’t fully step around her. Colm had to lean to see him until Nadia moved to the side. Kaz looked entirely skittish when she did, but she gently beckoned him forward again.

Colm looked him over and realized he was nearly as tall as his own sixteen-year-old son, but that was the end of the similarities. The torture Kaz had endured was written all over him.  He was just so gaunt and malnourished that his cheeks were hollow. The side of his right eye bore a yellowing bruise while a gash healed through his eyebrow. His shoulders hunched up and he shook harder every time someone spoke. His hair, while not thin, was patchy and uneven. His skin, while naturally very pale, looked sickly. His clothes looked old and too big for him, and his hands were hidden by worn out gloves. Saddest of all to Colm was the way Kaz’s coffee brown eyes, devoid of anything but fear, watched him as if he were a predator about to rip him to pieces. 

“Hello, Kaz. It’s so nice to meet you,” Colm said quietly so as not to startle him.

Kaz could feel a warmth radiating from the strange man with the Kaelish accent whose red hair was beginning to fade from age. There was kindness in his eyes, and it made Kaz uncomfortable. He didn’t know if it was a trick to lure him into a false sense of security.

It’s the same as before. A kind Kaelish man wearing a mask. It’s the same.

“Come on in and sit down. I’m sure you’re tired from the drive.”

“Much appreciated,” Nadia answered.

Kaz obediently followed, but he stood in the room and waited to be told where he was expected to be. He didn’t want to do anything wrong. If everything was another trick, he wanted the illusion of safety and kindness to last as long as possible.

“You can sit down here, Kaz. It’s alright.”

He looked at the nice chair that was separated by a coffee table from the couch where Colm and Nadia sat. The upholstery was a light-yellow hue, and he worried about sitting on it with his dirty clothes.

“Kaz?” Colm called to him.

Kaz quickly sat down to avoid punishment for not doing what he was told the first time. He kept his eyes cast down as his breathing came out in rapid, stuttering puffs through his nose. He nearly dropped his cane, and his knee was in pain from the sudden, jarring movement. His backside also throbbed despite the impact occurring on a soft surface, and so he sat askew which just put uncomfortable strain on his spine.

Colm and Nadia shared a look before Colm leaned forward a bit to try and catch his eye and gently said, “It’s alright. You can sit wherever you want to. This won’t take too long and then I can show you where you’ll be staying. I know you’re probably ready to go to bed.”

Kaz didn’t listen to what either of them were saying after that. All his energy went toward suppressing his shivering to stay as still and as quiet as possible as he prayed to nothing and anything that he might find a corner of safety somewhere in this strange house. Mentioning that he would be going to bed soon set his senses on fire.

He was startled again when Nadia stood in front of him to bid him farewell.

“You’ll be okay here. Try to trust me on this, okay?”

Kaz could only nod slightly in acknowledgement while resisting the urge to beg her to stay. He didn’t exactly trust her, but she had been one of the people to get him out of his living nightmare that had robbed nearly half of his life. She had stayed with him during the worst of the aftermath, and she came back and fought to not have him locked away in a psychiatric facility. He supposed that if she thought this place was safe that he should at least try. Unfortunately, logic and fear were not friends, and Nadia leaving him there left the door wide open for his fear to take over. There was also the very real possibility that she didn’t know anything about this man, and it was all an act. Everything had been an act before. Why not again?

Colm walked her to the door, and Kaz heard her say, “Thank you for doing this on such short notice. This was the safest place we could put him. He’s been through so much.”

“I’ll take good care of him.”

“I feel guilty. I tried to get him to come with me to get him a coat or at least bring some of the blankets with us, but he didn’t want to. He’s just so cold all the time. I had him buried in heated blankets in the hospital and he still wouldn’t stop shaking.”

“You did what you could, Nadia.”

“It’s never enough.”

“I know the feeling.”

“I just hope all of this won’t give you too much trouble.”

Too much trouble.

Kaz plugged his ears then. He didn’t want to hear about what a burden he was or how many problems he was liable to cause. There had been enough of that when he was trapped and more of it from impatient nurses who had more than one cruel comment about his condition and fears.

“Are you hungry?” called the muffled voice of Colm.

Colm was standing in front of him and Kaz flinched back against the chair. He convinced himself to look up into Colm’s eyes again and acknowledge that he had spoken to him. The only problem was that he couldn’t even remember the question that was just asked. He started shaking from his lack of an answer and fear of what was about to happen to him.

“I can make you something to eat if you’re hungry. I know it’s late, but if you’d rather not wait until morning, I’m more than happy to get you something.”

He was hungry, but he couldn’t stomach the thought of food then. He was worried he’d throw it up from how afraid he was. He hated that he felt that way. Hated the way he’d been beaten down into this meek shadow of what he knew he could be.

Colm waited patiently, and Kaz shook his head finally. Colm didn’t argue with him or show any emotion at all. Kaz wasn’t sure if he should be relieved by that or not. There hadn’t been enough time yet to determine his tells and what would set him off into a rage and riot of fists or worse.

“That’s alright. I have these for you,” he said while putting four pills on the table next to him and a glass of water. “Nadia told me it was time for you to take these again.”

Carefully, Kaz swallowed his antibiotics and pain killers down fearing that the relief brought would be barely worth the trouble it took to swallow them.

“I’d like to introduce you to my son. His name is Jesper. He’s a bit on the rowdy side, so don’t be afraid to tell him to calm down if need be. He gets carried away, but he means well. There isn’t a mean bone in his body.”

Son? There’s two of them? Oh no… Did Nadia say something, and I forgot? Or did she just not tell me? I can’t remember. I can barely think right now.

“Jesper! Can you come down here, please?”

Kaz flinched at the raised voice despite there being no malice in it. Colm noticed and felt awful.

“Oh, I’m so sorry for my volume. I’ll try not to do that again.” He took in Kaz’s increasingly frightened face and assured him, “I’m not going to hurt you. You’re safe now. It’s alright.”

Just then, Jesper walked in, and Colm facilitated their introductions. Jesper didn’t try to shake his hand which Kaz was grateful for. He wondered how much he knew based on the way Jesper eyeballed his gloved hands.

“Nice to meet you, Kaz.”

Once again, he could only nod as a bare minimum acknowledgement. He couldn’t find his voice, and he wasn’t sure if he even had it in him if the situation became dire.  

There was nothing inherently threatening about Jesper. In fact, he looked like a colorful bird with his striking gray eyes, teal pajama pants, and rainbow sweatshirt that clung to his lanky body. He was as tall as Colm, and that meant he’d soon be taller than him in the next few years. There were also the remnants of what looked like gold glitter shimmering against his dark skin as he shifted in the light.

Is his mother Zemeni? Wonder where she is. Nadia didn’t mention her, either.   

Colm said, “If it’s alright with you, you can share a room with Jesper for tonight.”

A prison guard.

As if he could sense his thoughts, Colm said, “I promise you’ll have your own room soon, so you have your own space. I’m sorry we weren’t able to finish it before you arrived. We weren’t planning on having another placement for a while, but Nadia called, and we made it work.”

“I can show you now?” Jesper suggested with some hesitation.

After a few seconds of convincing himself to stand, Kaz pushed himself to his feet and looked behind and sighed with relief when there was no evidence of filth left behind on the cushions. He picked up his small bag and made to follow Jesper. Colm followed behind Kaz which made him nervous, but he suppressed the feeling and kept his eyes fixed on Jesper.

Once at the stairs, however, he couldn’t keep moving. He looked back at Colm and moved to press his back against the wall. He didn’t have the will to make himself go through what he was anticipating again.

Please, don’t. Please, please don’t. I can’t do this again. 

Not understanding, Colm asked, “Does it hurt too much to use the stairs?”

Looking down, Kaz shook his head no. It was true that climbing the stairs was about to be a challenge considering how wobbly he still was on his feet, but it was the fear of what might happen should Colm remain behind him. Colm studied him for a few moments, and something seemed to click.

“I’ll go up first with Jesper to make sure he cleaned everything up properly. Follow when you’re ready.”

Kaz was stunned that he was allowed to be on the first floor by himself. It didn’t make any sense. He was sure that Colm’s hands were going to shove him or drag him by his hair up the stairs to a new prison. Nadia had insisted that things were going to be different now, but he was reluctant to believe her. Having hope like that meant more devastation when things went wrong. 

Slowly, he took his first painful steps up the stairs. He listened to Colm asking Jesper questions and having him tidy up a couple more things. He could also hear Colm reminding him not to get too close to him and that he needed plenty of space. He also told him that if for whatever reason he became uncomfortable to come and get him, but he also reminded him to be nice and welcoming.

Is this the dress rehearsal for when they trick me and turn on me?

When he made it to the door, Colm stepped next to Jesper’s bed and gestured to the spare. Kaz took a seat without taking his eyes off either of them, though he was more worried about Colm for the time being as he was still standing.

“This is your bed. I put some extra blankets on the end in case you get cold.”

Kaz looked at the headboard immediately. It was solid wood with no slats which meant there was nowhere to attach handcuffs or chains. He breathed just a little easier.

Colm looked at his small bag and asked, “Do you have anything you can sleep in?”

Kaz looked down at the clothes he wore and pointed to himself. Colm wondered if he should ask Jesper to lend him something as they were about the same height, but he thought better of it. Something told him that doing so would make Kaz deeply uncomfortable. He was a bit startled when Kaz picked up his bag and slowly pulled out one more black shirt and pair of torn pants before placing the bag up near his pillow with a look of shame.

I wish I had gone to buy Kaz some pajamas or something at the very least before he got here. I was so focused on the room that I had forgotten that I didn’t have any spares left from my last emergency placement. Shit… I’ll make up for it. I don’t think he’d really take to anything else new at the moment anyway.

“Alright, well take your shoes off and make yourself comfortable. Take all the time you need to rest. Good night, boys. I’ll make breakfast in the morning.”

“Good night, Da.”

Colm closed the door partially, and Kaz watched Jesper without making direct eye contact. Jesper moved onto his bed and slowly got under the covers and settled.

Is he really not going to attack me?

With great effort, Kaz bent his still shivering body over to untie the shoes a nurse found him in the Lost and Found. He kicked them off before crawling under the blankets which he had spread from the pile Colm left.

He was surprised by how comfortable the bed was. It was far nicer than what he had known for the last several years and then the hospital bed. He pulled the bag he had by his pillow down to his chest and hugged it to himself hard while burrowing deeper beneath the blankets. He also made sure that his back was completely against the wall while he never once took his eyes off Jesper.

Jesper noticed.

“Are you ready for lights out?” he asked.

When Kaz didn’t answer, Jesper turned to meet his gaze. Jesper saw how hollow Kaz’s eyes looked as they stared at him as if he expected something. It was unnerving, but Jesper didn’t want to be mean to the new kid. Instead, he just turned the light off regardless of the lack of answer and bid Kaz goodnight with an offer to wake him if something came up and he needed help.

Kaz remained silent, and he refused to allow himself to sleep as he kept vigil in the new, strange room with the oddly docile boy who hadn’t once tried to touch him. ‘

It’s all a trick. They’ll wait until I trust them, and then they’ll get me. Jordie, I won’t fall for it again. They’re going to hurt me, aren’t they? Nadia is wrong. They’re all wrong.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 2

Sleep did not come for Kaz on his first night with the Faheys. He refused to let himself give in to that desire. Instead, he kept his back fully pressed against the wall and didn’t take his eyes of Jesper for the entire night. He was too terrified of what he might do, and despite being too weak to fight him off, he’d rather see it coming.

Once Jesper awoke in the morning, Kaz shrank further beneath the blankets and eyed him silently. It didn’t take long for Jesper to realize that he was being watched. He tried to suppress any reaction beyond a “good morning” before grabbing fresh clothes and heading out to the bathroom to change and leave Kaz on his own.

Despite his solitude, Kaz still did not breathe properly until he heard Jesper retreat downstairs.

***

Jesper wandered into the kitchen and found Colm putting last night’s dishes away. It was usually Jesper’s job, but they all had too busy of a day and a late night which overrode any adherence to agreed upon tasks.

“Da, I don’t think he slept all night.”

Colm turned to look at him in surprise and said, “What? Really? What happened?”

“He just kept staring at me like he expected me to do something. I woke up to him still staring at me. It’s unsettling.”

Jesper sat down at the table and fiddled with the saltshaker. Colm felt guilty for how uncomfortable his son was, but there wasn’t much to be done about it except to extend some empathy. Jesper was always so good with the foster kids who had stayed with them, but he realized that this situation was something neither of them had encountered before. More than anything, he wished his wife Aditi was there to offer her wisdom that he desperately missed.

“He’s just afraid, Jesper. He doesn’t trust us yet.”

“You don’t think he’d try and hurt us, do you?”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen as long as you give him space. Nadia and I never would have allowed you to share a room if that was a risk.”

Unconvinced, Jesper said, “I should have taken you up on your original offer to let me sleep in your room while you slept in mine with him.”

Colm sighed and said, “You know he came from a really bad situation. He doesn’t know how to navigate day to day life right now or interact with anyone. Give him some time.” After a few beats of silence, Colm continued. “I’m going to get the other room finished for him today. He needs his own space for both of you to feel at ease. Can you help me, please?”

“Of course.”

A sudden realization came over Colm, and he leaned against the counter and sorted through his thoughts.

Poor thing came here with hardly anything. I’ll need to go get him some more clothes. I doubt he’ll want to come with me, and I’m a bit hesitant to leave. I need to, though.

“Jes, I need to go out for a while to get him some things he needs. Are you going to be alright here on your own?”

Jesper thought about it and answered, “I’ll be okay with him here. I doubt he’s going to come out the room for the most part.”

“Don’t force him out or even try to coax him out right now, either. He needs more time to adjust on his own. It’s going to be a while before he trusts us. Just be kind and bring him something to eat. You’re on your own for breakfast today. It’s best if I head out now. The sooner I leave and get back, the sooner we can finish up his room.”

“I’ve got it Da, don’t worry.”

“And his meds? Can you get those for him, too? Two of each for the antibiotics and the pain killers.”

“Yep, I got it,” Jesper said with a wave.

“Please, try to be understanding.”

“I know, Da. I will. Promise.”

***

Colm went upstairs and knocked on the door of Jesper’s room before slowly opening it. Kaz sat up and shrunk as far back against the wall as he could while folding his legs up beneath the blankets to protect himself.

“Hey, Kaz. I’m going to go out to the shops for a bit, but I won’t be gone for too long. Jesper will be here if you need anything. He’s going to bring you some breakfast and your meds soon.”

Kaz didn’t know how to respond beyond another nod, and that was it. Colm took it with a slight smile and then left him alone. That made him nervous. Despite Jesper not touching him at all during the night, he was still afraid to be alone with him. At that moment, he wasn’t sure who he’d prefer to be alone with regardless of both of them being nice enough so far. 

He was scared when Jesper brought him a plate of toast, bacon, and diced cantaloupe with a glass of water and his meds. He tried not to let it show when he sat up again to face him.

Jesper stood in the doorway and shifted awkwardly on his feet. Kaz could see that he was nervous, but he couldn’t understand why beyond thinking it was an act.

“Hey, I’m not sure what you like, so I just made this? I’ll put it on the nightstand where you can reach it.”

Kaz’s stomach was growling. He was starving. The night before, he’d been far too afraid and unwell to try to eat, but he realized he was shaking more than usual. He couldn’t remember the last time he was allowed food other than what was offered in the hospital. He couldn’t handle the smell of most of it, so he kept going hungry although staff tried to get him to eat more.

Nadia had tried grabbing him something on the way to Colm’s, but he turned her down repeatedly. For one thing, he still felt nauseous. For another, despite his hunger, there was the issue of the waste coming out of his body which he couldn’t bear the thought of. He knew he had to eat, though. He was weak and he was suffering for it. He’d have to trade one pain for another before he really started to starve himself to death.

Even if he resolved to eat, he wouldn’t until Jesper left. It felt too vulnerable. It took a while for Jesper to get the hint.

“You can get food from the kitchen any time you like. Da keeps the place stocked. He’s out shopping now. We have a list in the kitchen where you can write down any requests you have. I’ll be down the hall fixing up your room. Sorry we couldn’t get it done on time yesterday. The paint should be dry, and the smell should wear off soon so you can actually sleep there tonight. We had a really bad leak in there and didn’t realize it until we had to replace all the drywall and… Sorry. So sorry, I’m rambling. I’ll let you eat. Sorry, sorry.”

Once the door shut, the smell of breakfast enticed Kaz to look over. He stared at it for a while as if it might just disappear as soon as he were to reach for it. Finally, another growl from his stomach spurred him to take it in his hands and place it in his lap. After another minute, he looked at the window and door and relaxed a little when nobody came rushing in to rip it away from him.

He picked up the fork and got a piece of cantaloupe while still watching the door as a precaution.  He took a cautious nibble, and that small taste alone was enough to make him start to break down. Tears began to pour from his eyes, and he couldn’t stop them. He tried to ignore them and took a bigger bite, and it was his undoing. He sobbed.

Kaz did not have any memory of the last time he’d been given fruit to eat. He’d barely be given scraps in his prison to survive on. Whenever he’d managed to escape temporarily and find something else, he had to eat the first thing he found just so he’d survive. Thinking about that made him think about everything else he’d endured, and he wished he didn’t. He didn’t want to remember a single instant in that house.

His body wanted to scream, but he forced himself to cry as quietly as he could despite the sobs wracking his chest. He kept taking bite after bite while tears streamed down his cheeks until he finished most of it. He felt full for the first time in years.

He put the plate back on the nightstand and burrowed into the blankets while hugging his bag to his chest.  Feelings of fear and confusion overwhelmed him, and all he wanted was his old life before everything fell to pieces.

I want to go home. I want my mama or my pa or Jordie. I want to go home, I want to go home…

***

Jesper had gone downstairs to retrieve a few tools before heading back to work on Kaz’s room. He paused outside of his door when he heard sobs. He nearly went inside to check on him, but he refrained because Kaz had clearly held himself together until he could be alone. Jesper didn’t want to cause him any embarrassment, though it was hurting him to hear Kaz trying so hard to keep his surprisingly deep, raspy voice quiet.

In the end, Jesper returned to the other room as quietly as possible while feeling terrible and guilty that he had been creeped out by Kaz. He’d tell his father about what had happened later just in case he needed to know, but he hoped it wasn’t a betrayal to do so. All he could do was try and do what was best while wondering what had happened to the gaunt, haunted boy now crying in his room.

***

About an hour after Kaz finished his breakfast, he could no longer wait to use the bathroom. Slowly, he climbed out of the bed and grabbed his cane. The rubber on the bottom kept the taps of the cane noiseless as he made his way to the door which he also opened as quietly as possible.

He peeked out into the hallway and saw the open bathroom door. Quickly, he made his way over and shut and locked the door behind him while hoping he wouldn’t get into trouble for doing so. He checked behind the shower curtain to make sure nobody was hiding in there, and then he relieved himself before he had an accident. The need to go suddenly became too powerful.

Afterwards, he washed his hands and noticed that there was a new toothbrush in a cup on the counter with a note bearing his name.

“Kaz, this is for you. - Colm” 

His mouth tasted disgusting, but he hesitated. He’d been brushing his teeth in the hospital when he could force himself to, and he knew he needed to. He had to take care of his teeth. If he didn’t, then he’d end up with more pain down the line which might lead to the need for more people to touch him and mess with his mouth which was one of the last things he wanted. So, he got toothpaste and forced himself to breathe as he brushed his teeth while trying to avoid some of the lingering pain from cuts left in his mouth.

There was relief in the clean feeling, and he held onto it as he opened the bathroom door. However, Jesper was coming toward him with towels, and the sudden sight of him caused Kaz to stumble backwards. He hit the door and cowered as he stared at Jesper with wide, teary eyes.

Please don’t hurt me, please, please…

Jesper, feeling awful to see Kaz react that way, said, “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to scare you. I just forgot to give you towels. You can shower for as long as you want. I’ll um, put them here.” He was about to place them on the floor to give Kaz enough space but then he thought better of it after looking at his cane. “Or maybe not… Sorry, your leg. Um, Can I just put them on the counter?”

Kaz moved aside to let him pass, and he watched Jesper’s every move.

With a goofy grin, Jesper said, “Remember. Hot water. Long as you want. And use any of the shampoos and soaps in there. You can pick out your own on the next shopping trip, yeah? Okay? See ya.”

Shower? Hot water? It would be hot, not cold. Nobody will be holding me down or pushing me back in. I’d be alone. Hot water feels nice. Maybe I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay if I lock the door. But, what if this is another trick? What if I smell bad and he’s just trying to get me clean so he’ll be more willing to touch me and hurt me? No, Nadia promised. She promised, right? I can’t trust her. I can’t trust them. I don’t know… I do want to shower, though. I think?  Can I have this one thing? He did give me nice food. This isn’t real, is it?

After some thought, he finally decided to go through with it. He went back into the bathroom and stripped, but he did not look at his body as he did so. He didn’t want to see the remaining purple and yellowing bruises, welts, cuts, and scars littering his malnourished body that had been hidden beneath baggy, dirty clothes. The idea of having to touch himself to get clean was proving to be a difficult thing to contend with as he didn’t even want to feel how damaged he was.

Reluctantly, he turned the water on and waited until it was steaming before he braved stepping into the shower. He reached out his tentative hand and felt the heat flow over him, and he was beneath the water before he realized it. He made the water as hot as he could stand and let it cascade down his sore back as he hugged himself. The water felt soothing and wonderfully relaxing.

Even though Jesper said he could stay in there for as long as he wanted, he did fear overstaying his welcome. He only indulged in the blessed heat for a few more minutes than he needed to cleanse himself.

He wished he had something clean to wear as he dried off. Nobody thought to wash any of his clothes before his arrival, and he hadn’t thought to ask. He considered just wearing the towel around his waist for the time being until he managed to hand wash and dry his clothes. However, the towel snagged on a scab on his wrist which forced him to look at the ugly ring of bruising and healing cuts where manacles had been not long ago. He hung the towel up and pulled his dirty clothes back on just so he could get away from his own skin.

About another hour later, Colm came back home. Kaz could hear Jesper and him talking as they came up the stairs, and he quickly sat up when they came close to the door. Colm knocked and slowly came in as Jesper continued on to the other room.

“I got you some things that you’ll need. Can I put these here?” Colm asked while gesturing toward Kaz’s bed.

Kaz moved himself further up the bed until he was sitting with his back against the headboard and his legs drawn up to his chest. Colm wasn’t offended which left Kaz relieved. Soon enough, his relief turned to awe from the amount of things Colm pulled out of his shopping bags.

Colm offered an explanation for the gray sweater and the dark green sweater he pulled out first.

“I noticed that you like black and gray clothing, but his green one feels really soft, and I thought you might like it. I know it’s not black, but the color is dark, so I thought I’d take a chance on it along with the gray. It’s alright if you don’t like it, though.”

Kaz did like it. He found himself wanting to touch it, but he refrained for the time being.

“All of these might be a little loose on you right now, but you’ll grow into them quickly enough. You just need to put a little more meat on your bones and regain your strength,” he explained gently.

Next, Colm pulled out a black hoodie with a zipper, two black and two gray plain T shirts, four pairs of black jeans, a pack of socks, a pack of underwear, two pairs of soft sweatpants, a raincoat, a heavier black overcoat, and a pair of black high-top sneakers. The next bag contained a large, fuzzy blanket that was dark blue and terribly inviting to his sleep deprived body. Colm also bought him a couple of notebooks with plenty of pens and a deck of cards to play with. What surprised him most out of all the purchases were the pair of thin leather gloves and pair of cotton gloves that he placed on top of the pile as if they were the most normal things one might buy.

Kaz was completely stunned. He couldn’t believe that someone was being so kind to him, so he assumed that there had to be a catch. The clothes he had on his back were stolen because nobody ever gave him anything. It hardly mattered before as he was rarely ever allowed to wear anything at all, and the memory of it made his skin crawl. 

All of this had to have cost a fortune.

As if he read his mind, Colm said, “You don’t owe me anything for this. No strings attached. This is the bare minimum for now. When you’re more comfortable, I’d like you to come with me to the shops to pick some things out for yourself. Or, you can even use the computer to find some things you like and I can have them delivered or go pick them up.  Now, go ahead and get changed and throw that stuff in the laundry.” He gestured between Kaz and the hamper in the corner of the room. “You can come down for lunch in half an hour, or we’ll bring you something if you’d rather stay here for now. There is no pressure either way, and Jesper won’t bother you. You adjust on your own time.”

With that, Colm left Kaz to do what was suggested. Longing to rip his dirty clothes off dug into him, but he was still nervous to remove them in this strange room. He was at least able to take his old, fraying gloves off and touch the fabric of all his new clothes, and that gave him a bit more urgency in finding his courage.

After stripping and putting on clean underwear, he chose to put on the green sweater and a pair of sweatpants. His skin sang with joy as the soft fabric hugged him. He didn’t think he’d ever felt anything so comfortable against him, or at least he couldn’t recall a time when he had before his life was stolen from him.

Once his socks were on along with the cotton gloves, he felt almost secure enough to allow some relief to fill his tired heart. 

Tired. I’m so tired.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept soundly, and he looked back at the blanket that Colm seemed to have got him on a whim. That inspired him to carefully tuck the rest of the clothes and new things under the bed in a neat pile before he wrapped himself up fully. The softness and the thickness enveloped him in warmth he wasn’t sure he’d ever known. It was nearly bliss, and if he had not been so exhausted, he would have cried again.

Colm nearly shed a couple tears himself when he came back up with a sandwich for Kaz and found him curled up and tucked into the blanket fast asleep. Colm quietly left the plate on the nightstand for him to find in case he awoke hungry, though he hoped that he would have a long, restful sleep seeing as he desperately needed it. 

***

While Kaz slept that afternoon, Colm and Jesper finished setting up Kaz’s new bedroom. All they had to do was move his bed and possessions into it, but they would wait until he woke up on his own.

Jesper had been worried when it was already six o’clock and Kaz hadn’t stirred. They had both peeked inside the room a couple times to check on him before returning his sandwich to the fridge for later. Kaz hadn’t moved at all since Colm checked the first time that afternoon. Colm calmed Jesper’s anxieties and assured him that Kaz just needed the rest.

Finally, around seven o’clock, they heard the door open and subsequent feet shuffling softly to the bathroom. Before Kaz could go in, Colm called up the stairs as gently as he could so as not to scare him. Kaz waited by the bathroom door for both Colm and Jesper to come up.

Standing far back, Colm said, “Your new room is done. Jesper and I are going to move your bed into it now if that’s alright. This way you’ll have your own space, and nobody will go into it unless you give permission. It’s all for you.”

Not seeing that he had any choice in the matter or what other choice he could possibly want, Kaz just nodded acceptance and tried to stay back. He liked the idea of having his own room, but it meant nothing if the safety of it could be taken at any time. He didn’t want to stay in Jesper’s room either. There was only the desire for Colm’s promises to have truth to them.

“If you want to wait downstairs until we’re done, that’s okay.”

Kaz gave a single nod before seeing if he could slip away into the bathroom then. Colm gave him a nod indicating that he could go ahead, and so he quickly retreated and locked the door.

He was so groggy that it took him until he was washing his hands to remember the bag he had brought with him. He had kept his spare change of clothes inside, but there was something far more valuable inside that made him sick with worry. He nearly fainted as he shut the water off and made his way out into the hall.

Colm was giving instructions to Jesper regarding the maneuvering of the bed frame out of the door and to his new room. As soon as they were out, Kaz slipped back into Jesper’s room and found his bag which had been put on top of the dresser with his new things. He grabbed it and clutched it to himself before retreating back to the hallway to wait for them to be done.

It wasn’t long before his bed was set up and Colm took his stuff to his room and placed everything on top of his own dresser to arrange as he pleased. Kaz followed him in and stood in the corner of the room.

“It’s not much yet, but it’s functional. You can pick out whatever decorations you want. This is your space to do with as you wish.”

Kaz still couldn’t bring himself to speak, so he just nodded again and hoped it would remain enough for the time being.

“Right. I’ll leave you to it. Oh, I forgot.” Colm went toward the door to take a plate, a sleeve of crackers, a bottle of water, and pill bottles from Jesper. “I had made this earlier for you. Figured you’d be hungry by now. I’ll put these here on the desk. Make sure you take those meds. You skipped a dose this afternoon, but I really didn’t want to wake you. I’ll bring breakfast for you tomorrow morning. Good night, Kaz.”

Both he and Jesper left with a smile, and Kaz breathed a sigh of relief as soon as the door clicked shut. Still holding his bag, he carefully sat down at the desk and managed to eat everything except the crackers which made his stomach happy. He’d save the crackers in case he got hungry later, and he only drank a little bit in order to take his pills as he hoped to avoid going to the bathroom again for as long as possible. He was still exhausted, and he would cling to whatever miniscule safety, real or illusion, that he could in his new room.

He looked at his things on the dresser and decided that he wouldn’t wait until the morning to arrange them. He quickly divided his clothes based on article type into the drawers before placing his notebooks, pens, card deck, and gloves on the desk. Everything had its new place, and he was satisfied.

Maybe Colm will see that I did a good job, and he won’t hurt me. Or maybe I’m just being a fool and I’m setting myself up to be hurt anyway.

His eyes were drooping again, and he crawled back into bed and wrapped his blue blanket around himself. He turned his lamp off and he was fast asleep with his bag cradled against his chest within a few minutes. 

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 3

Exhaustion, after finally winning the upper hand, made Kaz sleep for nearly thirteen hours. He woke up just before 9 o’clock the next morning with a splitting headache. Despite needing the rest, his head seemed to disagree on the amount. He grabbed his water bottle and downed the entire thing and gasped afterwards. 

Fuck. I need something for my head. Wait… Oh no, I feel sick.

Kaz drank the water too fast, and he felt nauseated and dizzy. After sitting as still as possible for a few minutes, the sickness did not subside. He wanted medicine for both the nausea and the pain, and he forgot about the pain killers that he’d been prescribed that sat on his desk. Using his cane, he pushed himself up and blindly shuffled to the bathroom based on the memories of where his parents used to keep their own medicine.

Once there, he quickly looked in the cabinet hoping he might be able to recognize something he could use. He found a bottle of Tylenol that read “pain relief” and he grabbed it while looking for something else for his upset stomach.

“Kaz?”

Colm had come to check on him, and Kaz hadn’t heard him coming through the cloud of pain and nausea. Once he heard his name, however, Kaz dropped the bottle in a fright and stepped back against the wall and toward the shower. He felt cornered and terrified, was breathing hard, and held his arms up over his chest for protection in anticipation of a beating for stealing.

Realizing what was wrong, Colm assured him, “It’s alright. It’s okay. I won’t hurt you.”

Kaz didn’t take his eyes off him, and his breathing wasn’t slowing much despite Colm’s calmness. Colm picked the bottle up and put it back in the cabinet. He tried to do it all without blocking the doorway so Kaz wouldn’t feel caged in.

With a quiet, steady voice, Colm explained, “You can take these when you need, but only when you’re done with your other pain killers. If you combine them, they can hurt you. You have to be careful with medication, okay?”

Oh. I forgot about the other ones.

“Did you take them yet?”

Kaz shook his head “no”.

“Let’s go take them. Wait, what else were you looking for? Something else wrong?”

Kaz was reluctant to tell him, but he figured he could take the chance. He pointed at his stomach.

“Nauseous? Then these…” he grabbed a bottle with pink bismuth pills, pulled two of them out, and put them on the counter. “These will help with that. It’s okay to combine these with your painkillers.”

Colm put the bottle back and said, “Come. Let’s get your other meds.”

Kaz squinted his eyes against a rush of pain in his head from the adrenaline that surged through him when Colm showed up, but he still managed to follow Colm back to his room after grabbing the two pink pills. He slipped inside and stood in the corner to watch what Colm was doing.

“Oh, you finished your water. Let me go get you some more. I’ll be back in a couple minutes.”

Kaz didn’t move from his spot which Colm decided not to address when he returned with a bowl of sliced melon and another bottle of water. He laid out the two antibiotics and two pain killers next to the bowl on the desk.

“Hopefully this won’t be too hard on your stomach for when you feel a bit better. Best you keep something in it if possible. Do you have the nausea meds?”

Kaz nodded.

“Good. I’ll leave you to it.”

With that, Colm gave him what had become a customary warm smile and left the room.

With as much haste he could muster, he went to his desk and swallowed the pills down. One of them almost came back up, but he managed to keep it down after a few deep breaths. He sat down and rested his head against the cool wood and waited for relief to come while trying to tell his body to stop trembling from residual fear.

About thirty minutes later, Kaz was able to hear birdsong outside his window over the roaring static of pain in his head at last. His stomach had also quit complaining so loudly, and he was able to sit up without feeling like everything was about to exit the wrong way.

Feeling cramped, he stood up to stretch himself a little before walking over to look out of his window. He could see Jesper in the garden pulling out weeds when another boy came running up the driveway. Jesper threw his gloves off and ran to him to wrap his arms around him while yelling “Wylan” in greeting. He didn’t stop there and hoisted him from the ground and spun around before kissing him fondly.

The sight made him think about a faint memory he had of his parents doing something similar when he was very small. When his mother got sick, his father had done things like that less and less until he was only able to give her the lightest kiss on the cheek as if he feared that she was made of glass.   

Once Jesper put him down, he could see that the boy was shorter than Jesper by a head, and he sported a mop of unruly dark auburn hair. The two of them shared laughs about something Jesper said, and soon Colm came out to greet him. There was a polite exchange which seemed to turn to more jokes and teasing, and Kaz couldn’t help but be curious about the content of their conversation.

He watched them until they wandered off somewhere around the house out of sight. Having nothing much else to watch outside at the moment, Kaz returned to the bed and sat with his back against the wall. He thought about how he might be friends with Jesper and this new boy if he had a different life.

The longer he sat there and pondered the interactions he watched from his window, the more he found himself sinking into a feeling of loneliness. The only time he had ever felt that way was when he was in the throes of some illness when he was finally given reprieve and left alone to either die or rot until he was finally able to recover. Any other moment of his life was too occupied with studying the sounds around the house or the moods of those who came to him. He didn’t have time to feel just how alone he was.

He reached for his bag and opened it open. Slowly, he pulled out the treasure he had been guarding so carefully. It was a stuffed crow toy that Jordie had given him when they were small. The people who hurt him had taken it away to throw in the trash. However, he managed to get out of his room and find it while nobody was looking. He quickly brought it back to his room and hid it under the floorboards inside of his closet without getting caught. It was all he had left of his life before, and he would protect it with every bit of strength he had.

Now feeling the pain of missing Jordie, he hugged the crow tightly to himself and imagined that it was Jordie he was hugging. He found himself wishing that someone was there to hug him like that, but he believed it to be an impossibility. The only people he could let do that to him were all dead, and even then, he wondered if his body would allow that kind of closeness ever again even if they were alive. The longer he sat there left whole and alone with his thoughts, he just wanted someone. Jordie. His parents. A friend. Anything,

***

During following two days, he spent his time watching the clock and listening to the sounds of the Fahey house. He was able to determine the routine based on the previous days and the current one. Colm liked to stick to a schedule while Jesper did his best to adhere to it. He found he was far more amenable to paying attention to the time when Colm prepared their meals. Colm continued to bring those meals to Kaz’s room, and Kaz tried his best to finish it all each time. His stomach and nerves usually had other ideas, but he was never scolded for not being able to finish everything. It was just saved for later in case he wanted it.   

Kaz only left to go to the bathroom when the house fell quiet and he was less likely to run into either Colm or Jesper. He wanted to take a shower again as he enjoyed the hot water so much the other day, but he hesitated and instead paid attention to how often Colm and Jesper did. Both of them usually did so in the morning which Kaz figured meant a safer time for him to try again would be in the afternoon.  For now, he would wait.

On his fourth night there, he crept out onto the landing and listened to the sounds of the two of them watching something on the television with Wylan. Kaz couldn’t make out what was going during the movie, but he liked to listen and try to follow along with the dialogue and the laughter and jokes that the three of them made. He heard Jesper say that the movie was one he “loved to hate” and that the “travesty of a film was a blessing in disguise”. They were genuinely having fun together, and he found himself wishing he could try and join them as it reminded him of his own family. He shook the feeling away and went back to listening.

When the movie wound down to the credits, Kaz slipped back into his room and shut the door quietly so nobody had any idea he had been there.

The next morning, he decided to take a chance. He didn’t want to hide in his room forever, and the lack of any violence or anger the night before among his new fosters told him that it might be alright to try. If he didn’t, his room would only become another prison cell. The clock told him it was approaching the time Colm and Jesper usually had breakfast ready, and so he hyped himself up to get out of bed to join them.

Pushing the bile back down from the sudden surge of fear, he pushed forward and made his way downstairs as quietly as he could.

I can do this. I can try. I need to figure out all the rules for how to exist here. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. If not, at least I’ll know.

When he appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, he noticed that Colm and Jesper were surprised to see him, but they smiled kindly and with a hint of what he thought might be excitement.

“Morning, Kaz. Would you like to take a seat?” Colm asked.

He made his way to the table and pulled out the hard wooden chair and paused to brace himself. As he predicted, sitting down on it hurt, and he winced uncontrollably. His body froze up aside from his quickening breaths.

Colm noticed his distress immediately and went to retrieve a small pillow. When he came back, he ignored Jesper’s confusion. He didn’t make a big deal out of the issue and only said, “I know. These old chairs are not comfortable. I need to get a new set with cushioning, but Jesper’s a mess and will stain it all.”

“Hey!”

The two of them laughed, and the attention was successfully redirected which Kaz was grateful for while he situated the pillow beneath himself. There was a little relief to the pain felt, but he remained still as he sat red faced and ashamed. It was clear that Colm knew what must have happened to him.

Of course, he knows. He must have a file on me. Nadia probably explained everything to him. Maybe that’s why he’s been giving me space. Maybe it’s still a trick. He’s getting me comfortable so he can do the same thing to me when I’m healed. Maybe he’ll hide it better. He’ll rip the clothes he just bought for me off my body and…

He couldn’t shake the feeling of hands pushing him and holding him where they wanted him. His thoughts were spiraling out of control, but he was suddenly snapped out of them when a plate was placed in front of him.

“Let me know if you don’t like it and I can get you something else,” Colm said while putting a glass of orange juice next to the plate.

Fried potatoes and scrambled eggs sat before him, and his mouth watered at the scent. He loved fried potatoes and couldn’t remember the last time he’d had them. The ones Colm gave him looked and smelled even better than the ones he remembered. Jesper had already dug into his while Colm was last to sit down.

Kaz picked up the fork and glanced up at the two of them before looking back to the plate. Courage surged, and he cleared his throat.

“Thank you,” he whispered hoarsely.

Colm and Jesper both looked up and grinned. Not wanting to make Kaz uncomfortable or make a big deal about him speaking for the first time, Colm just answered, “You’re welcome. Let me know if you ever have any special requests and I can make it.”

Kaz pushed down the thought of asking for potatoes every single day for the rest of his life. He’d been given more than he ever dared hope for, and while he was certainly grateful, he remained cautious. There was also the hope that he wouldn’t be expected to speak more often now and be allowed to do so only when he felt the need. 

Colm and Jesper chatted while Kaz forced himself to eat his delicious food as slowly as possible. He did, however, finish everything. After drinking the juice all in one go, he ended up making himself feel a little sick. Fortunately, the feeling passed soon enough after he sat back and breathed as slowly and evenly as possible. Colm noticed his breathing change even while talking with his son.

“You alright?”

I need to stop drinking like someone is going to take it away from me.

Kaz nodded and sat up wondering what might be expected of him next. Jesper had started to clear the dishes and took them to the sink to be washed. Kaz wondered if he could or should be doing something to help, but he was afraid of doing something wrong.

Colm, again with his keen eye, explained, “I cook, Jesper cleans up. We can figure out something for you to do to help after you’re more settled here. You just relax for now and focus on getting better.”

Getting better? He doesn’t really mean that, does he?

“Yeah, Kaz. I’m going to offload all of my chores onto you soon enough, buddy.”

Jesper said this with a clear joking tone and a wink, but Kaz just nodded in complete acceptance. He’d do anything he was told so long as it wouldn’t result in him getting hurt anymore. Anything he could do to prevent it was what he wanted.

“Kaz, he’s joking,” Colm assured him gently. “Jesper, no more nonsense like that. Got it?”

“Yes, Da…” he answered sheepishly.

“Feel free to look around the house or outside if you want. You don’t have to stay in your room the whole time if you don’t want to. Just make sure you get plenty of rest.”

Kaz hadn’t looked outside beyond what he could see from his window yet, and he was curious.

Have I pushed my luck today? Will I be alright to go look?

He decided to take the opportunity while Colm and Jesper were occupied to slip away and go to the porch. The sun was bright and hurt his eyes, but his vision adjusted after squinting and shading his eyes for a bit. He walked to the edge of the steps and looked out at the vast fields covered in flowers that he could not name other than the roses which came in a rainbow of color. It made him think about his mama who always had fresh flowers in the living room by the chair she claimed as her reading nook.

Songbirds flittered near the beech trees that were scattered around the grounds and offering some shade to the house. Squirrels also chased each other up and down the bark of the trees to fight over territory. A few of them minded their business and went for the oak trees instead to gather acorns and bury them in places they were sure to forget about later.

Kaz wondered about staying longer to watch them, but he was beginning to get nervous again as the sounds of Colm and Jesper got closer to the front door. He decided he’d had enough for the time being and to return to his bedroom. As he did so, Colm and Jesper said nothing and just allowed him to do as he pleased which still left him baffled.

He laid down on his bed and held his crow to himself again and just thought over and over again, “I’m fine. I’m fine.”

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 4

Kaz managed to go back downstairs once more in the evening to have dinner with Colm and Jesper after staying in his room for most of the day. He had still been feeling overwhelmed after braving the morning, but he feared that Colm would be upset about him not finding the will to come down in the afternoon. However, Colm’s swift delivery of his lunch and not a word spoken beyond a quick “I brought this up for you” made him confident enough to go down and join them once again, albeit remaining just as quiet as he had been that morning aside from another “thank you”.

After retreating upstairs, he’d promptly fallen asleep, though it was anything but restful. He’d been plagued by nightmares that woke him up multiple times throughout the night, though he thankfully could not remember much beyond the general feeling of anxiety. Even then, it was too much and left him feeling unable to join them in the morning. He could hardly eat at all and just picked at his food as the morning stretched on.

He pushed his plate aside on his desk and eyed the notebooks that Colm had bought him. They hadn’t been opened yet, and he hadn’t really taken much time to even look at the covers. They were basic school notebooks with blue geometric designs on the front.  They were a bit too busy for his eyes to look at comfortably, so when he reached for one, he opened it to the first page quickly.

Kaz thought about why Colm might have bought the notebooks, and he concluded that he must have wanted him to have the option to journal as some form of catharsis.

Or learn about what’s in my head and use it against me.

Journaling was not a safe option, but he was compelled to try something. Slowly, he picked up one of the black pens that Colm also provided and held it in his hand. It felt awkward like a piece of clothing that couldn’t quite fit no matter how much he adjusted it. The rubber grip near the tip felt uncomfortable and out of place compared to the pencils he’d had to use when he was last allowed to have any sort of education.

Instead of dropping the pen, he clicked the top and placed the tip to the center of the first line. There, he wrote his name for the first time in years. Despite the discomfort, the complex Kerch abugida script came naturally as if he’d still been writing it for years, and the final swooping top tail of the “z” was left behind with a light stroke of his wrist.

“Kaz.”

Those letters were there as a testament to his existence. He was still there and alive. Alive, but not whole.

“We’re going to help you. I promise you that we’re getting you help. Hey, do you know your name?”

“Kaz. Kaz, Kaz…” he answered through broken sobs.

He slammed the book shut and shoved it away from himself before dropping the pen like it was blazing hot.

Impulsively, he picked up the deck of cards and shakily removed them from the box. He laid them all out in a line based on suit to study the look of them. It was a basic card deck without any frills or spectacular art, but he didn’t mind. He just liked to look and shuffle them around on the desk while remembering how he and Jordie used to play Go Fish together. Neither one could shuffle a card deck well, but their mama could like a pro.

While gathering up all the cards into a neat pile, he though back to how he’d watch her do it. He figured he might be able to learn, and so he tried. It was difficult with gloves on, so he tried without while ignoring how naked he felt without them. Using his bare hands did help as it didn’t take long for him to figure out the basic mechanics of it.

Suddenly, he felt a pressure building in his lower gut, and he dropped the cards.

No. No, please. I don’t want to.

He placed his arms around his middle and leaned his head down on the desk to try and ground himself and calm down. This moment had been inevitable, and he was surprised it hadn’t come sooner based on how much he’d allowed himself to eat.

Ignoring his needs did not make the problem go away, and he reluctantly grabbed a tube of antibacterial cream from his bag and headed for the bathroom.

Gritting his teeth, he did what he needed to do and applied the medication where it needed to go. While the pain wasn’t nearly as bad as what had caused it to begin with, it was still triggering and made him want to rip his own skin off as he cried as softly as he could manage. Applying the medication had been enough to nearly make him panic, and he made himself bleed while scrubbing his hands clean with soap.

When he opened the bathroom door, Jesper was standing near his own room and watched as he came out. Kaz wondered if Jesper had heard him, but he didn’t stick around to find out. He quickly pulled his gloves back on the rest of the way and retreated to his room.

Once the door was shut, he felt marginally more secure. He wanted to try shuffling the cards again, but his hands were shaking worse than before. So, he instead laid down on his bed and listened to the sound of the birds outside his window. He found himself envious of them and wishing he could flee into the sky as they could. Though, he knew he’d just keep flying higher and higher with no regard for where he’d really end up or what might happen to him if he did.

In his daydreams, he completely lost track of the time and Colm knocked on his door around one o’clock. He wondered if he might have fallen asleep.

“Can I come in?” Colm called through the door he only cracked open.

Kaz sat up, cleared his throat, and softy answered, “Yes.”

After pushing the door open to pop his head in, Colm told him, “I made lunch if you’d like to come down. If not, I’ll bring it up soon.”

Fuck.

Colm didn’t linger to wait for an answer which gave Kaz a while to process what he should do. He was finally hungry again, and he hated it. He’d been denied decent or regular meals for years, and now he was being given everything he could possibly need or want. His body was responding to it with demands that he did not want to fulfill.

It had been made clear to him every day that he had a choice about joining them, but he once again felt afraid of upsetting Colm if he didn’t come down for lunch after he had skipped breakfast with them that morning. He wanted to join them while remaining cautious, but this time he just wanted to sleep and forget that his stomach had become his loudest critic.

Still, he braved the trek down and decided to at least try.

They were happy to see him when he took a reluctant seat and smelled the grilled cheese and tomato sandwich Jesper slid over to him. He’d never had one before and his stomach protested his lingering hesitation. Tentatively, he picked it up and took a small bite. Saints, did he want to bite into and devour it the way Jesper had started to.

Jesper finished his quickly and went rushing off to meet up with Wylan leaving Kaz alone with a full plate of food and Colm’s concerned gaze.

Colm asked, “Do you not like it?”

Barely above a whisper, Kaz said, “I do.”

“Is your stomach upset?”

Kaz shook his head.

“Why aren’t you eating?”

The question was asked with genuine concern, but Kaz feared that he was becoming angry. That, and he didn’t want to have to explain what the result would be later if he ate. His weakened, malnourished body and the regular abuse he suffered meant that healing was taking longer than it should. He was just so tired and hurt and hungry that he didn’t know what ailment he was supposed to take care of first.  

“Talk to me, Kaz. Tell me what’s on your mind. You’re not in trouble, and you won’t be even after you tell me. I’m here to help you.”

Kaz propped up his head up with one hand while the other tried to bring the sandwich to his mouth. Hot tears poured out of his eyes and down onto his lap. He breathed in shakily and wiped his cheeks, but the tears didn’t stop.

“Hey, hey. You’re okay,” Colm said in an attempt to soothe him. “I promise that whatever it is, we can work it out. I just need you to tell me what’s wrong. You did really well yesterday, so I’d like to understand what changed.” When Kaz hesitated to speak, Colm tried to reassure any fears that he thought he might have regarding his food. “Nobody is going to take it away from you. If you can’t handle it now, we can keep it in the fridge and heat it up again for when you are ready. That’s for you and nobody else. You can take all the time you need.”

Kaz shook his head. He glanced at Colm a few times and tried to work up the nerve to speak. He wanted to tell him what was wrong because he just wanted to feel like someone might care, but he still couldn’t bring himself to trust that he wouldn’t be ridiculed, shamed, or hurt the same way again.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Kaz asked before he could even process that he was speaking. When he realized what he has said, he restlessly crossed his arms across his chest, tucked his hands under his chin, and moved them down to tuck between his legs. He couldn’t find a place where he felt shielded by Colm’s potential anger.

“What do you mean?” was all Colm asked.

Kaz eyed him and thought, Maybe I should just provoke him and get this over with. I can’t stand the suspense anymore.

“It’s how he was in the beginning. The man who took us in. He was kind, and then he wasn’t. It was a trick. You might be tricking me.”

 “I’m not him,” he stated firmly but not unkindly. “I know what he did to you, and I swear that nothing like that will ever happen to you again under this roof. This isn’t a trick or a way to lure you into a false sense of security. You are safe here, and I’ll keep reminding you until you believe me or feel it for yourself.”

He knows. He knows and he’s not looking at me like I’m dirty garbage.

“Now, can you try and eat a little more?”

Kaz shook his head again, and his hands moved up to hold the edge of the plate like he was afraid to let go of it.

“Tell me why?” Colm asked gently.

Kaz mumbled at first, and then found the will to repeat himself: “Hurts.”

“Your stomach?” Colm clarified.

Kaz shook his head again and looked down into his lap and willed Colm to understand so he wouldn’t need to say it out loud.

“Lower?” he asked.

Kaz nodded.

Colm thought about it and tried to put the pieces together, and then he fully realized what Kaz meant. All he said was, “Ah. I understand now.”

Kaz nearly burst into tears again as he hid his face behind his hands from embarrassment. He wanted to apologize for being gross and dealing with something he never wanted to discuss with another person for as long as he lived. He suddenly felt trapped inside his skin and wanted to tear it all off just as he had earlier.

“Okay. I understand. Hey, listen. Listen to me. There are ways to lessen the discomfort and pain. Let me see how I can help with that. But, if you’re hungry, you need to eat. You have to have strength to heal. Try, alright? Let me figure out what will help you in the meantime. Can I heat that up for you?”

Kaz, trying very hard not to fall apart, accepted the offer and pushed his plate toward Colm. It wasn’t long before it was back in front of him as promised. The renewed scent was irresistible now. He ate it all, and he hated himself for it despite his stomach singing him praises.

“I’ll clean up. Take your meds and rest. I’ll look into what we talked about to help your pain in the meantime.”

Kaz returned to his room to lay down as he found himself emotionally exhausted. Sleep mercifully gave him reprieve from awareness.

When he awoke, he found a small bottle of pills and a note on his nightstand. Colm had come in to leave it and he had not detected him at all. He grabbed the note and sighed in relief after reading it.

“Here. This should make things easier. Don’t take too much. Read the instructions carefully. We don’t have to say another word about it if this helps. You just let me know if it’s not getting any better and we’ll figure out something else. Please don’t let yourself be in pain, okay? I’m here to help you in any way I can.”

Kaz studied the bottle and realized it was brand new. Colm had gone to the pharmacy for him. Without thinking about his kindness too deeply, Kaz opened it after making sure it wasn’t tampered with and took one of the softeners. He hoped that the problem would now be solved, but he’d have to wait and see.

Until then, he would sit there and contemplate the inexplicable compassion that had continued without any trickery. He may have given in to test some of the waters there without anything horrible happening, but he could not help being wary. He felt he had to in order to survive even in the face of unyielding kindness, for such a gentle thing could turn out to be poison.

I don’t want it to be poison. Please, be real.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 5

A familiar voice sounded from outside Kaz’s window, and he went to look out and see that Nadia had parked in front of the house. He wasn’t expecting her to come. He wondered if it was a surprise visit or if Colm had elected not to tell him about her coming. While he didn’t exactly mind that she was there, her presence did make him nervous. It was a disruption to the normalcy that he had come to depend on, and her coming could mean that something was about to change.

He elected to stay in his room and wait for her to leave, but he didn’t consider the fact that she had legs and would come to him regardless. Again, it wasn’t that he was opposed to seeing her. In fact, part of him wanted to so long as her presence did not signal anything bad to come.

Why would it? She stayed with me before and promised me Colm was safe. She’s been right so far.

Light footfall drifted through the hall, and he knew she was coming. A knock sounded on his door, and he winced with each gentle rap. The door slowly cracked open, but that was all.

“Kaz, it’s Nadia. Can I come in and talk to you?” she asked.

He waited a few moments before clearing his throat and saying, “Okay”.

She walked inside and spied the chair at his desk. With a gesture toward it she asked, “Do you mind if I sit?”

Kaz shook his head, and he tried to settle himself in a way that he was comfortable sitting up, but he couldn’t. Nadia noticed as she pulled the chair out and settled herself.  

“Lay back down. You don’t have to sit up on my account.”

Unable to comply as he preferred to be upright, he kept the blanket wrapped around his shoulders and pushed himself back against the wall. He held his crow in his arms and waited for her to speak. He could deal with the temporary discomfort.  

“Nice room you have here. You also look much better,” she remarked as she took in his face that wasn’t as bony. “You’re eating again?”

He nodded.

“Good. And you’ve been taking the antibiotics? How’s your pain?”

“Why are you here?” he asked.

She wasn’t too surprised by the question and answered, “I’m going to come here to keep checking on you. I promised you that I would. I don’t want you to feel like you have no way to contact any of us for help ever again. I also want to see how you’re doing. How are things here?” she asked.

After some silence, he said, “He hasn’t hurt me yet. He’s acting kind.”

“Are you afraid he’ll hurt you?”

“That’s what they do. They pretend to be nice and then they turn on me.”

“I hope Colm is proving that he’s not like that. He’s a good man.” She was trying to gauge his reactions and Kaz could see this, but he didn’t have anything to give her, so she asked, “Are you getting along with his son?”

Kaz shrugged and said, “He’s nice. He leaves me alone.”

“When you get more comfortable, I hope you two can be friends. How are you feeling overall? Is there anything you need from me? Something I can bring you? Tell Colm to get for you?”

The concern and offers were genuine and earnest. There was only thing he wanted, but it wasn’t something she could really give him. He squeezed the crow in his hands and quietly answered, “I want to go home.”

“What do you mean?”

Even though he was settling into this new house with Colm and Jesper decently, it wasn’t what he wanted. It could never be as far as he was concerned.

“I want Jordie. I want my parents. I just want to go home.”

“I’m sorry, sweetie. I understand how hard this can be.” He looked at her questioningly as if to ask how she could possibly know, and so she told him. “While I didn’t go through what you did in that house, I did lose my entire family when I was a young child. It’s a pain that never quite leaves. You’re always missing the home you once had, but in time, you’ll learn that you have it in here.”

She put her hand over her heart. He thought on her words and accepted them because he had no choice but to, though a few tears fell from his eyes. He wiped them before hugging the crow to his chest.

“Has he been helping you a lot? Your crow?”

“Don’t tell Colm I have this. Please,” he begged while hugging it tighter.

“I won’t, but why don’t you want him to know?”

“I don’t want him to take it. I know it’s childish, but I want to keep it.”

She looked around and then leaned forward just a little and said, “Do you want to know a secret? I have a lot of stuffed animals at home, and I’m at least twice your age. I even have some from when I was very little.”

Kaz seemed surprised by that, but he didn’t say anything. Nadia knew that he was miles behind his peers because of how he’d been locked away. He had a long way to go to catch up on social learning and navigating the general world around him, so she would never fault him for depending on the comfort of a stuffed toy. Plenty of adults did as it was, including her. She wanted him to know that it was perfectly alright.

“That nurse who told you that your crow was childish is an idiot. Don’t listen to people like that. It was none of her business. Some people just have to have an opinion on everything. You hold onto that crow for as long as you want to. Okay?”

“Okay,” he answered softly.

“And Colm is not going to take him away from you. I promise.” When Kaz didn’t react beyond looking a bit cagier, she figured it was time for her to take her leave. “Now, before I go, I want to know something. Has anything happened at all here that has made you feel unsafe?”

“I never feel safe.”

“But have either of them done or said anything that wasn’t okay with you? Anything at all? You won’t face punishment for telling me. If there is something not right, then I will take you out of here right now and we won’t look back.”

I’m used to this place now. I don’t want to have to go to a new environment that’s full of uncertainty. So far, things have been okay here. More than okay.  Better to face what I’ve come to know than leave.

After some more thought, he said, “I want to stay.”

“Alright, then. Remember, if either of them does something to actually hurt you, I will take you out of here. You have my number still?”

He nodded. The card with her phone number was still tucked into the bottom of his bag. It was the last item he hid within it, and he hoped he would never have to use it. Having it there did offer some sense of security now that that she had come to check on him as promised. She hadn’t just left him there to be forgotten.

***

Colm climbed the stairs step by step ready for the bad reaction that he was sure was about to happen. Kaz was still barely able to leave his room for very long, so telling him that he had an appointment in a couple days was likely going to be jarring and upsetting to say the least. 

Nadia had just left, so he wondered if Kaz might need a minute to be on his own after having a visitor. Still, he decided in the end it was best to rip the band aid off now rather than let him settle and then have a wound opened once more unexpectedly. He hadn’t known Nadia was coming, and it was likely better that way. He could be honest and tell Kaz that he didn’t know when she or another person from the state would show up. It might make him realize that he couldn’t be hidden away so easily again.

Once at the door, he knocked softly and called out for permission to enter. Kaz sounded surprised when he said to come in after shuffling around with something, and Colm felt a little guilty and hoped that it was only surprise and not fear. Based on the stiffness of his shoulders and the nervous knit of his brow, he knew it was the latter. He tried not to let it get to him.

“I need to talk to you for a little bit. Is that alright?”

“Yes,” Kaz whispered.

Colm braced himself and delivered the news.

“You have an appointment in two days for therapy.”

“What’s therapy?” Kaz asked with cautious curiosity.

“It’s kind of like seeing a doctor…”

Firmly and swiftly, Kaz said, “No. No, I don’t want to.”

Colm took in a deep breath and searched for the right words to explain in a way that he would understand without panicking.

“She’s not that kind of doctor. Nobody will put a hand on you at all. Let me explain?”

Kaz was flinching back against the wall now as he was expecting to be hit for talking out of turn against him. He couldn’t help but say that he didn’t want to go. Fear had a way of commanding his actions in ways that he hated.

“Hey, Kaz? Breathe for me? Take in a deep breath.” When Kaz complied and visibly calmed a little, Colm assured him, “I’m not going to hurt you. I swear. Now, few more deep breaths?”

Again, Kaz complied. His breathing slowed, and he stopped flinching away.

“Good job. Okay, let me explain. The only thing she's going to do is talk to you.  That's all.  No exams. No hands.”

Suspicious and untrusting, Kaz asked, “Talk about what?”

“Anything you want. Importantly, though, you need to talk about the things that happened to you,” Colm urged gently.

Kaz shook his head vigorously and asserted, “I don't want to talk about that. “

“I know, but it's not good to bottle everything up as if it’s not there or didn’t happen.”

“I want to forget,” he whispered with his eyes closed as if to shut the world and his reality away.

Sympathetically, Colm reasoned, “You know that won't happen though, right?  I can’t imagine how scary it is, but I do know that you need to work through the pain if you want to get better. Please try?”

Kaz didn't want to, but he knew he didn’t really have a choice. He would have to go to whatever appointments were made for him. He’d never heard of a therapist before, but if they weren’t going to touch him then he figured he might be okay. He also reasoned that he could just not speak the whole time. Colm could make him go, but he couldn’t make him talk.

That’s a blatant lie to yourself. Of course, he can make you talk. Look at the belt he has on. You think that won’t come off to make you comply? You fold so easily now.

Kaz leaned forward and put his head in his hands. He didn’t want to think that way. That part of him kept him alive and warned him of every terrible thing that could go wrong, but this wasn’t one of them. He wanted to believe that.

Regardless of any fears he felt, he nodded to appease Colm.

“Thank you for giving this a chance. It will be good for you. I promise you this. It will be hard, but you’ll be alright.”

Kaz could only nod once more in response. There were no words left that he wished to allow to pass between them.

***

“Hello, Kaz. Thank you for coming in today. Please, have a seat.”

Kaz had been entirely morose leading up to his appointment with his therapist whom he learned Nadia was responsible for arranging. He was angry with her for doing so behind his back and not having the courtesy to warn him. She sent Colm to do it for her. He didn’t give a damn about it being court ordered or for his actual benefit. She knew how terrified he was, and she was forcing him into a room alone with some random person who he did not know again. All he wanted was to go home.

Knowing he couldn’t get out of it, he sat in the chair nearest to the door while the therapist sat all the way across the room from him. He eyed her while intermittently scanning the room for any openings or hidden spaces where someone could be hiding. He looked at the bookshelves on the sides of the large window behind her desk and wondered if there might be some hidden compartment revealed by pulling the right book just like in the old movies he used to watch as a child. All she had to do was pull it out and someone would come out to torture him. Or, maybe there was another wall with a hidden panel and someone would jump out, grab him, and drag him somewhere where he’d never be found again.

“I'll stay right here the whole time. I'll only get up without warning if there's a fire. Deal?”

Kaz didn't answer. The woman before him, kind and soft smile framed by waves of red hair not unlike Wylan’s, did not lose her patience with his immediate silence.

“My name is Genya Kostyk. It's very nice to meet you.”

Kaz still didn't answer her, and she could see him shrinking further into himself with every word she spoke. He was covered head to toe with his hood on and black leather gloves so all she could see was his face. Even then he looked like he had never felt more exposed.

“Can you tell me how you're feeling about being here right now? You're perfectly safe to speak here. Colm is just outside, too.”

He scoffed inwardly.

Colm was the one who made me come in the first place because of Nadia. Why would he help me now? Why should I answer her? What good would it do?

“Take all the time you need.”

What if it's another trick? This has to be another trick. But I haven't been tricked so far. Colm hasn't hurt me. He insists this is good for me. Nadia hasn’t done anything wrong yet. But it could be a lie. This could be it. This is the moment where it all goes wrong. I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t want to be here.

He was thinking himself in circles so fast he was making himself sick. He was visibly trembling where he sat, and Genya nearly spoke before he finally did.

“... I'm scared,” he whispered.

“Can you tell me why?”

“... trick.”

“What do you mean?”

He fell silent again.

“You can tell me anything. This is between us. Colm might tell me if he notices that you feel more sad or scared than usual, but that's it. Anything you say remains in this room with only a few exceptions: I have to share any diagnosis or medication suggestion with Colm, and I have to report if I believe you intend to harm someone or yourself. I'm legally sworn to protect what you say in here.”

Kaz sneered at her words before he could stop himself. She took note of his face and cocked her head quizzically which he noticed. The words were so offensive that he spoke before he could think.

“The last people to swear to protect me by law lied.”

He immediately drew back into the chair and turned his face from her while tucking his hands between his legs to protect himself. He regretted speaking so freely. He didn't know Genya and he didn't want to know her. He was sure he was about to be punished for speaking out like he had, and he shut his eyes unable to bear it. The bout of defiant bravery had left just as quickly as it came.

Instead of blows, soft words landed on his ears.

“I will do everything in my power to prove you can trust me. I want you to feel comfortable and safe. I know how frightening this must be for you. We'll take everything one step at a time.”

Mustering the dregs of his courage, he turned back to study her face. He questioned the point of doing so as venomous animals appeared beautiful on the surface while hiding the deadly within the facade. Her kind, lovely smile could be the lie.

But what if it's not? I begged and screamed for help, and I’m finally out of that house. What if this is it? My help? If it's not, then I'm dead anyway. I just need to be careful. Right?

“And nobody is going to come through the door to hurt me?” he asked.

“No. I'm here to help you. You're safe.”

Hearing that he was safe felt like a lie. Nadia kept insisting that he was now safe and so did Colm and Jesper in his own way. There was no truth to find in the assertion beyond the pain of the memories that proved otherwise.

“I just want to go home,” he couldn't help but say.

“With Colm?”

He shook his head.

After some thought, she clarified, “Your parents?”

One tear escaped down his cheek. He was suddenly furious. He didn't want to talk about them. Didn't want to talk about anything. He just wanted Jordie and his mama and pa to be there as if nothing had happened. He wanted to be home in his own bed before he was trapped in another room being asked to bare his soul to a stranger.

Genya could easily see how upset he was, and she did her best to put him at ease.

“I know you don’t trust me yet. That's alright. How about I tell you about myself? We will start off with the basics to get to know each other. I think that's only fair if I want you to talk to me. Deal?”

He shrugged. He'd rather she talk than him. At least she might reveal something useful or enlightening that he could use somehow.

“My name is Genya Kostyk. I'm from Ravka. I came here for Ketterdam University to study Kerch, but I wound up in a psych class and found that I couldn't leave it behind. I found my calling. I met my husband David at university. He's a robotics engineer. I don't understand a thing he talks about for work, but I love listening to him talk about it anyway. We both fell in love with Kerch and the opportunities we had after graduation. We have three pets. We have a dog named Lady and two cats named Steven and Ivan. They're all entirely spoiled children.”

She noticed that his eyes shifted when she mentioned her pets.          

“Do you like animals?”

He nodded.

“Have you ever had a pet before?”

“... fish.”

“Would you like a dog or a cat some day?”

With a look of sadness, he answered, “I can't take care of them.”

“If you could, what would you prefer?”

He was silent. 

“Growing up, I always wanted cats, but my mom was so against the idea. David was entirely onboard at least. He had spreadsheets for their care made within the hour once I suggested it. So how about you?”

“... I like both.”

Genya smiled and asked, “Do you have a favorite animal?”

“... Crows.”

“That's very interesting. Why crows?” she asked with genuine interest that Kaz could hear in her voice, but he didn’t answer. Genya instead filled the silence with her own answer as to which was her favorite. “I absolutely love black panthers. I just think they're neat.”

He didn’t react. He wasn’t looking at her anymore. Genya could sense that she was starting to lose him, but she didn’t want to give up just yet.

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Confused, he said "I don't know."

“What do you do at home?”

I don’t have a fucking home!

“Can we stop? I want to stop. I want to go, I want to go…” he pleaded while looking at the door and grabbing his cane so tightly that she could hear the leather of his gloves stretching.

Accepting that Kaz was at his limit, Genya said, “Okay, that's fine. I only have one thing I want you to do for next time. I need to stand up to get it and give it to you. It's a piece of paper. Is that alright?”

Kaz hesitated before looking back at her, but he did, and he couldn’t think of a reason to tell her not do get the paper. He awkwardly shrugged and then then nodded before glancing back toward the door.

“This might seem like a silly exercise, but it will help you brainstorm and find out what you like and don’t like. I’ll do one, too. We can share answers next time if you’re up for it,” she explained while grabbing the paper from her desk and then toward him cautiously. “Can I hand this to you?”

He eyeballed her hands while not answering. He was afraid that she would grab him if he reached out.

Seeing his obvious hesitation caused her to suggest a different approach.

“How about I put it here next to your feet, and you grab it there. I'll sit back down.”

She stayed true to her word, and he picked the paper up and saw that it was a list of questions along a similar vein of her recent inquiries.

“What is your favorite…. ? Animal, color, food, drink, hobby, book, movie, etc…”

He folded it and tucked it into the pocket of his hoodie and stood up to leave without another word. Genya let him go and followed after giving him ample time to clear the doorway and find a place of safety. She also noted how he never once turned away from her even as he exited and instead stepped back and slithered against the wall so he was facing the room.

Colm looked concerned as he saw Kaz and checked his watch, but Genya caught his eye, smiled at him, and said, “Same time next week?”

Relieved, Colm answered, “We’ll be here,” before turning to Kaz and asking, “Ready?”

Kaz offered one nod with his eyes cast down, and Genya noted that he did not move until Colm was several steps ahead of him. Before that, she could see how he kept his back firmly pressed against the wall. Of course, she knew everything that had happened. She had read the police reports and the medical examination reports as well, so there was nothing surprising about his behavior from the moment he entered the office until the moment he left. That did not make it any easier to watch it unfold.

You poor thing. We’ll get you through this. This was a good start.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 6

After the appointment with Genya, Kaz hastily shut his bedroom door, threw the paper he’d been given onto his desk, dropped his cane on the floor without any thought, and immediately burrowed beneath his blankets to submerge himself in darkness as if it would wash out every sense around him. Instead, all it did was enhance the sound of his own breathing trapped beneath the layers of fabric. He plugged his ears and hummed a single, droning note and rocked to self-soothe, but it wasn’t working.

I don’t want to go back. I don’t want any of this.

                                                                                                     ***

Colm, while concerned about how Kaz had reacted and left Genya’s office far earlier than he’d hoped, didn’t pry about how he might be feeling. He just allowed Kaz to come downstairs and go back to his room as he wished and kept up all sense of normalcy and routine. He was pleased to see that Kaz had only skipped coming downstairs for the rest of the day when he had his appointment but returned the next morning albeit a little more somber than usual.

Kaz kept his hood on and pulled further over his eyes to hide as he slowly ate his breakfast. His shoulders were hunched, and he barely moved even as he ate. Jesper watched him and looked up at Colm with a questioning look, but Colm shook his head to dismiss his concerns. It didn’t work as Jesper looked back to watch Kaz as discreetly as he could. If Kaz noticed, he didn’t react.

To both of their surprise, instead of going upstairs when he was finished, he went out to sit on the porch swing. It wasn’t a particularly hot day, so Colm didn’t worry about him overheating in all of the layers he wore. He remembered that Nadia had told him that he was always cold, so perhaps it wouldn’t have mattered even if it was a hundred degrees outside.

Over the last week, he had noticed that Kaz liked to switch between the gray and green sweaters he got him which peeked out from beneath the hoodie he also wore every day. He figured he liked the feel of the fabric along with the thicker layer of protection they added. Colm was pleased to have picked out things that Kaz seemed to like so much.

Enough time had passed for Kaz to settle more and not be entirely overwhelmed by everything, so Colm figured it was time to get him more things he desperately needed. Knowing that he was still nowhere near ready to go out shopping, Colm brought his laptop outside to Kaz who was startled by his approach.

Not wanting to bring attention to his reaction, Colm asked, “Hey, do you know how to use one of these?”

Kaz looked at the contraption in his hand and shook his head with bewilderment but obvious curiosity.

“Can I show you from here? Will you be able to see?”

Kaz nodded, and Colm angled the screen and keyboard so they were in his line of vision.

“I want you to go through the clothing section on this website and pick out some more things that you need and want.”

Colm showed him how to navigate the site, how to work the mouse and what buttons to click and how to search for specific items. He also showed him how to select sizes of items he wanted and told him what sizes he needed to pick as Kaz genuinely had no idea what he was. Colm had made the best estimated guess based on Jesper’s sizes and he picked correctly. When he was done, he placed it on the far end of the swing and took several steps back.

“There’s no limit on what you can get, okay? We need to get that dresser stocked up. If there’s something you might want for fun, add that to the cart, too. Just hand the laptop back when you’re done, and I’ll pay and then go pick up the order when it’s ready.

“Too expensive…” Kaz whispered while immediately looking sorry for speaking and afraid of what might happen.

“It’s definitely not too expensive. All the money I get paid for fostering you goes toward your needs. I don’t keep a single kruge for myself. It’s all for you. Now, get whatever you need and want, okay? The cost is not a factor.”

Kaz could only stare at the screen for the time being as he came to terms with what he was being asked to do. Colm let him settle on his own and left to get some work done out in the garden that he’d neglected. He’d check on Kaz in a little while.

***

There were too many choices. For years, Kaz been denied the choice beyond choosing to fight or give in to what happened to him. Now, Colm put a device with seemingly endless choices before him and he had no idea where to begin. It was too much, and so he sat frozen stiff for a few minutes before finding the will to reach over and pull the laptop to himself.

What do I do first? What do I even need? I guess some more shirts?

He managed to find a few plain black long-sleeved shirts he liked and added those to the cart without any struggle. He refused to look at the cost or he’d never be able to go through with what Colm was asking of him.

Afterwards, he saw the same gray and green sweaters that Colm had originally bought him. He liked them so much that he went ahead and added them to the cart to make sure he could have them last for as long as possible. Then he found some black beanies that he thought might be nice to have for when he was too cold or just needed to be covered more.

By the time Colm came back to see how he was doing, he felt guilty for having added what he did.

Colm took a look and said, “Good choices. Throw in another pack of socks and underwear, too. Maybe some more pants? At least a couple more.”

Kaz did as he was asked and then scratched an itch on his cheek. He realized then how scruffy his face had become in the last few weeks. His hair hadn’t been growing much but had started to come in faster now that he was taking better care of himself. So, he looked for razors and added those. He once had an electric razor that he was made to use at the other house, but he left it behind and he didn’t feel comfortable asking for another one after accidentally looking at the price. He figured cheap little razors would be enough.

After that, he remembered that he needed to pick his own soap and shampoo so he could stop using theirs. He looked at all the selections and ended up picking some with a citrus scent as he remembered liking the smell of oranges and hopes that this would be close enough to the real thing.

Finally, as he was about to go find Colm to give him the laptop back, he saw books advertised on the side of the screen. He clicked on that section impulsively and saw way too many choices again. He had always loved reading and had come to rely on it to escape his hell whenever the opportunity arose. Being made to do some homeschooling when he was there was the only way he had any access to books, and he had read them over and over again until they fell apart. 

I wonder if there are any libraries nearby. Would Colm let me go someday? It might be nice to have at least one book. I don’t know which one. He did say I could get something for fun. Shit… Which one? There’s too many.

He read through a few synopses and got too overwhelmed to pick between the ones that sounded interesting. Instead of picking anything, he gave up and went to Colm and returned the laptop while muttering “thank you”. Without another word, he hurried back upstairs to the safety of his bed once again.

***

Kaz nearly missed the sound of Colm’s knocking over his card shuffling that he still enjoyed doing as a distraction from the day’s monotony or his brain’s insistence that he remember the worst moments of his life at all times. He turned to see Colm standing in the doorway with a ton of bags on his arms. He’d already gone to the store and returned with the things that Kaz had chosen which left him a bit stunned.

“Can I come in?”

Kaz nodded, and Colm gratefully moved to the foot of his bed and placed everything down before launching into an explanation.

“This first bag has some extra pillows and pillowcases. I wondered if they might help if you need to elevate your leg or just sit up comfortably in bed. Either way, it’s better than only having the one pillow.” He gestured toward the rest of the bags and said, “All of this is what you asked for among some other things I thought you could use. I’ll let you look through them and decide where you want your stuff.  Again, no strings attached. I’m just providing for you as I should. Now, I'll let you go through things and get settled.”

Kaz stared wide-eyed at the bags and then at Colm who seemed to be taking one last mental inventory of the things he’d brought to make sure he didn’t forget anything.

After clearing his throat, Kaz managed to whisper a small “thank you” to Colm which snapped him out of his thoughts.

“Oh, you’re so welcome. Anyway, I’ll see you for lunch?”

Kaz nodded as usual, and Colm left him on his own.

Kaz stared at the bags for a few minutes. It was far more than he asked for, and he couldn’t help but feel once more that there was some kind of trick waiting for him. Instead of dwelling on that, he made himself start to unpack everything.

The pillows felt comfortable, and the cases were slate gray and soft. There was even another fuzzy blanket, but this one was gray to match the pillows. Kaz hugged it to himself and let his cheek rest against it. He spread it over his bed on top of the blue one. He could hardly wait to sandwich himself between them. He set the pillows up by his headboard, and nearly climbed in then. He managed to resist and turned to the other bags.

He was shocked to find the three books he'd been interested in as well as three more. There was also a new electric razor on top of the regular razors he'd asked for along with shaving cream. Next, he found his shampoo and soap which smelled really nice. There were also other essentials he didn’t even think of like a brush, comb, deodorant, nail clippers, lip balm, and his own bottles of Tylenol, ibuprofen, and bismuth to keep in his room for when it was too hard to get up. He was nearly out of his prescribed painkillers, so he was thankful to have these at the ready.

He even found another black hoodie among the other new clothes which he figured Colm bought because he wore the other one every single day. This one was even softer than the one he usually wore.

His heart was pounding, and he didn't know how to react or what to think.

Nobody is this kind. I don't understand. Why is he giving me these things? Why doesn't he want something from me?

He was terrified that he liked everything because he felt happiness in his heart. He didn't want it to be taken away.

With great care, he put all of his clothes away in his dresser while placing all of his toiletries on top to await arranging later. The books went on his nightstand where he was able to just look at them from his bed when he laid down. He was too afraid to actually try and touch them any further as if they’d burst into flames in his hands.

I don't understand. Is this really a second chance? This can't be real. Why is he so nice to me? What's going to happen? Something bad always happens. This is what happened last time. He lied to us. Lured us in with kindness. Made us trust him. Then he... I wish I could forget.

He grabbed his crow and cuddled it. He wanted to bury himself in the blankets, but he was scared to give in too much. In the end, he just curled up on top of them and eventually fell asleep.

When he did not show up for lunch, Colm came upstairs to check on him. He found him huddled up with his crow which he was surprised to see but immediately decided he wouldn’t mention it in the future. He wanted to pull the blankets over him, but he left him to sleep until evening. He was too afraid that he’d accidentally wake Kaz up and make him think that the worst was about to happen.

Eventually, in his sleep, Kaz pulled the blanket corners over himself to be completely enveloped. He burrowed into softness and warmth and his dreaming self didn’t care one bit in that moment about anything else.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 7

A bizarre cold snap gripped the farm, and Colm cursed the sudden turn of weather and called all hands on deck to make sure the flowers were not destroyed by any overzealous winds and rain. It wasn’t common for such odd summer storms to come, but they happened enough to have a protocol which took up all of Colm’s attention far earlier in the morning than he wanted. They had taken measures the day before, but the rain was more intense than predicted.

Meanwhile, Kaz had awoken to find that his leg was hurting horribly. He tried shoving pillows beneath it, but nothing he did could ease the aching in his bones or joints. The discomfort was almost unbearable, but he couldn’t think of what else to do besides lay there and massage himself. It barely helped, so he stopped wasting his energy on trying.  

After a few hours, Colm had settled his affairs for the day with his employees and had started to make breakfast which Kaz smelled drifting up the stairs. The scent was enticing, so he wanted to get up and join them. The other reason for wanting to attempt to join them was because he wasn’t sure how else to let Colm know that he was thankful for all of the nice things he’d been giving him and doing for him.

Hauling himself out of bed was more of a challenge than he anticipated. The air wasn’t frigid, but it was cold enough to leave him shivering and aching more than he rightly should have. Putting weight on his leg, even with his cane to support him, left him gasping as it felt like his bones were being compressed.

Fucking Ghezen, that hurts.

A debate about whether or not he should just give up and get right back in bed played out in his mind as he gritted his teeth and winced from just standing upright. The longer it went on, the more unsure he was about allowing himself to lay back down. The last thing he wanted was to be a burden and make Colm do something extra just because he was too weak to make it down the stairs.

I don’t want to make him upset with me. I have to try. 

He did try, and he kept trying step after painful step down the hall and again down the stairs. When he was about halfway down, however, his strength ran out. With a pained yelp, he collapsed but managed to catch himself on the railing before tumbling down to further injury waiting at the bottom of the stairs where his cane landed.

Colm came running from the kitchen to find him huddled painfully on the steps while still clinging to the railing.

“Kaz? Are you alright?” he said while scouring every inch of him to see where he was hurt.

Kaz was trembling and looked away in fright. His breathing was getting harder and quicker.

“Did you fall?” Colm asked, though he wasn’t sure why he bothered as the cane that slid to the bottom of the stairs was evidence enough.

When Kaz didn’t answer beyond a nod and a quivering lip, Colm said, “Hey, it's okay. Can you stand up?”

Kaz shook his head and said, “It hurts.”

“Okay. Rest for a minute and then we'll get you up,” he said while putting the cane within reach. “Let's get you settled in the living room so you're comfortable.”

The urge to crawl back to his room nearly took over all rational thought, but he wouldn’t allow himself to give in. He didn’t want to argue with Colm, so after resting as requested, he forced himself up but barely made it to the chair without collapsing again.

He could see how Colm kept his hands firmly planted at his sides as if to consciously force himself not to help, and he heard the small exhalation of relief once he was seated. Only then did Colm move and warn him that he was going to kneel beside him. Kaz watched as he slowly pulled the footrest out of the yellow recliner. He went as slowly as he could so as not to jostle his leg more than necessary, but Kaz still gasped again and gripped his leg until his knuckles turned pure white beneath his gloves.

“Ow, it hurts, hurts…”

“I know. Lay back. Lay back,” Colm urged before standing up and saying, “Hold on, I have something you can use.

Kaz squeezed his eyes closed involuntarily while choking back tears and gasps of pain. He listened to the sounds of Colm walking away. Concentrating on them proved difficult as another surge of pain shot through his leg. He only heard him again when Jesper spoke.

“Da, is he okay?”

“Bad pain day. Can you get a plate for him?”

“Sure.

Colm was suddenly beside him again holding a heating pad that he had plugged into the wall beside the chair.

“I'm going to put this on your knee. My hands won't touch you.”

Kaz watched as he switched it on and carefully placed it on him. The warmth of it made a little relief bloom in his knee. While his whole leg hurt, Kaz adjusted the pad to the spot where he needed it the most just above his knee. Colm then warned him that he would drape the blanket over him which further trapped the heat.

Jesper came out with a plate of waffles and a glass of juice and handed it to Colm who asked, “Can you eat?”

Kaz’s growling stomach said yes, but his shaky hands had other ideas. He didn't want to drop the plate, but he knew he would if he tried to take it.

“Can I set it on your lap? I won't touch you. Promise.”

Hesitating but trying to trust him, Kaz agreed but he didn’t take his eyes of Colm's hands until he backed away again. As carefully as he could, he tried cutting up the waffles with his fork until his hands were far too shaky from the pain to allow it. He dropped the fork and gripped the arms of the chair and waited for the heating pad to provide more relief.

“Here, take these along with your other pills. It’s an anti-inflammatory, so it should help soon.”

As Kaz swallowed down his pills and only managing to let a little bit of juice dribble down his chin from his shaky aim, Colm went to the wood stove in the corner and started a fire. He had realized that the random cold and rainy weather must be making everything worse. When the fire was burning to his satisfaction, he looked back to see Kaz managing to cut into his waffles and eat some, so he left him in peace until he was finished.

Jesper took the plate from him while Colm sat on the couch with some books and an old phone in his hands and tried to think of how he wanted to approach the topic of his pain. Based on what Nadia had told him about his time in the hospital and how Kaz had reacted to the idea of seeing Genya, he was sure he wouldn’t like it.

May as well just ask him outright. No point in beating around the bush.

“How would you feel about seeing a doctor about your leg?”

Kaz visibly pushed backwards into the chair and shook his head forcefully.

“They wouldn’t have to touch you just yet. They'd just give you a more powerful pain killer for when you need it on days like this. Your existing x-rays are proof enough of how much you must be hurting.”

Shaking his head again, Kaz argued, “They always touch me. They always hold me down or drug when I'm scared. I don’t want to go back.”

He doesn’t want to be powerless again.

“I won't let that happen. You're safe with me. I just want to do whatever will ease your suffering. You think about it and let me know if you want to try something. I'll be there the whole time if you decide you want to. How's your leg now?”

Kaz shifted uncomfortably under his scrutinizing gaze, but he managed to answer, “… little better.”

Hope he’s being honest.

“Good. You stay off it today. I found some books you might like to read. And here is the remote,” he said while picking it up off the table and adding it to the book pile. “If your eyes are too tired you can turn the tv on and listen to or watch something if you’d just rather not read.”

Shyly, Kaz admitted, “I don't know how to use one. A remote. I can’t remember.”

At least he’s talking more openly now after I brought up seeing a doctor. I’ll take that as progress.

“That's okay. I'll show you.” Colm lifted the remote into the air where Kaz could see it and everywhere he was pointing. “Here is the power button, this makes it louder or quieter, and this lets you change channels. Press this and you can see a list of shows and go down and click on the one you want with this button here. You might find some cool historical or nature documentaries on at this hour. Seems right up your alley. Don't be shy. Try out whatever you want. Find out what you like. I'll be outside to check on things, but I'll pop in and out. I'm going to be getting you a phone soon. That way you can call me if I'm ever out and you need something. For now, just use this. It's the landline here. I have my cell on me, and this is the number.”

He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and added it to the pile. Kaz looked at him like he’d grown two heads, but he couldn’t figure out why. He let it go, but he did ask one last question to make sure of something.

“Please don’t be offended, but do you know how to use this?” he asked while pointing to the phone.

Kaz didn’t seem offended to him at all as if he saw the logic to the question, and he simply nodded to affirm that he did know.

“Good. Alright, I'll stop bothering you and I'll tell Jesper to leave you alone. Rest up.”

***

The next few hours allowed his medication to finally work its way into his body and grant him a little relief from the ache that plagued him. He had tried to read, but he found he couldn’t concentrate well on the words and gave up after a while which frustrated him. The book Colm had chosen was a mystery novel about ten people on an island off the coast of Kerch who were invited to some grand mansion only to start being murdered one by one, and he wanted to know who was doing it. He had his suspicions about the host right off the bat, but he wanted to see if he was right.

When he had first started reading it, he felt a little uneasy thinking about how they were all trapped somewhere with no means of escape. He forced himself to remember that it was just a story, and it was very clearly fake. Nobody in their right Kerch mind would take an invitation to go to some random house without being paid to do so for their time or at least a very clear outline of some kind of prize beyond a dinner with strangers. At least, he hoped so.

Do these people have a death wish?

He put the book down and sat in lonely silence for a while. He looked around the living room thoroughly for the first time. There was a large window behind him that had gold curtains pulled closed over it. They were a different gold tone from the yellow of the recliner he sat in, but they somehow went well together. There were two other couches somewhere between white and beige, one adjacent to him and another across from him. Between all of the seating was a table with wooden slats of various gray shades with blue and teal coasters scattered around it. Tying it all together was a simple candelabra hanging above which was attached to the rich wooden ceiling that showcased the support beams of the house.

Moving on, the next thing that caught his attention was what was beside the television on the wall. There were two large built-in bookshelves that he couldn’t believe he hadn’t taken more notice of before. There weren’t too many books on them as they instead housed many knickknacks and pictures of Colm, Jesper, and a beautiful Zemeni woman whom Kaz figured was Jesper’s mother.

He glanced over at the wood stove in the corner and took a closer look at the sideboard between it and the front door. A larger portrait of the smiling woman was in the center, and around it were various candles of a multitude of colors along with a vase filled with fresh flowers.

She must have died like my mama.

Feeling a sudden pang of loneliness, Kaz thought of how to distract himself and then remembered the remote. He picked it up and reviewed Colm’s instructions in his memory, and then he pressed the power button. The volume wasn’t too high, but it still made him jump and turn it down even lower. After grounding himself with a deep, long breath, he opened the channel menu and read every title until he found something called, “Wild Shu Han” where the description touted it as “an amazing display of Shu Han’s grandest wildlife.”

Why not?

So, he turned it on and laid back to shut his eyes and listen. However, that only worked for so long as he found his eyes cracking back open wider and wider until they were fully open again so he could see the strange and wonderous animals he’d never even heard of or couldn’t remember even thinking about since he was very young. Watching the creatures live their lives while the narrator explained interesting facts was just the right amount of stimulation to distract him from most of his pain without demanding too much of his concentration.

Soon, Jesper wandered into the room to check on the fire and get it going again. He was supposed to come down sooner, but he had lost track of time and was clearly trying to hurry to get it adequately burning again. Kaz noticed that he would glance back toward the TV with curiosity before forcing his attention back to the wood.

Then a black and white bear came on and Jesper blindly closed the door of the stove and turned to watch. There were suddenly more of them, and they realized they were all babies. They wrestled each other on the ground and made sounds that made Jesper’s eyes bulge and his heart swell out of his chest which Kaz swore he could see. Kaz also found the bears to be cute, and he liked watching them roll around while others tried to climb up a tree as the mother just watched on.

I remember when Jordie and I used to wrestle like that. He’d pin me so fast when he wasn’t letting me think I was winning.   

His mood suddenly shifted, and his heart sank into his stomach. Seeking comfort, he pulled his blanket closer to himself to hold it, and he turned away from the TV. The last memory he had of Jordie and him playing like that had been before they lost their father. It was the last time before the ground had split open beneath them and everything was plunged into dark earth and jagged rocks. It was the last time…

A commercial came on louder than the documentary had been, and it snapped Kaz out of his spiraling thoughts. He looked over at Jesper who caught his eye. Jesper jumped as if he was caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to. In fact, Jesper had remembered that Colm told him not to bother Kaz, and there he was encroaching on his space and leaned over the couch too distracted by panda bears.

“Sorry,” he muttered while standing up straight and turning to go.

Before he could even process the words, Kaz impulsively said, “You don't have to leave.”

Kaz was surprised at himself, but he didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t read too much into his impulsive reaction and instead just waited to see how Jesper would respond.

“You sure?” is all Jesper asked.

Kaz nodded while trying to fight the urge to say, “It’s your house.” The less he spoke, the better. He didn’t want anything to be misconstrued and cause any reason for Jesper to become angry. So far, things were alright with him, but Kaz wanted to make sure that remained the case. He breathed easier when Jesper sat on the couch, but he clearly felt uncomfortable which made Kaz regret saying anything at all.

I never fucking learn, do I? Just shut up and say nothing at all. Now look what you’ve done, you’ve…

“Those pandas were so damn cute. I want to snuggle one.”

What?

Kaz looked back at Jesper who was looking at him with a goofy grin.

He’s trying to talk to me. What do I do?

“I’ve seen one, but just once. There is a zoo in Ketterdam and sometimes they have animals go through like they’re on tour. It’s mostly for research or conservation, but people are allowed to go see them.”

The show started again, and Jesper fell quiet. The program shifted focus onto one of the most colorful birds Kaz had ever seen, and he couldn’t help but notice the similarities between their plumage and the obnoxiously bright yellow and red sweater Jesper wore along with blue and purple pinstripe pants that Kaz was not convinced went together. The colors worked for the pheasant, but perhaps not so much for Jesper, but he’d keep that opinion to himself.

Maybe he’d laugh. Colm teases him about his clothes sometimes and he always laughs. I don’t think I should though. I’m not one of them. I’m just… I don’t know.

***

Colm came back to the house just as another commercial came on, and Jesper immediately broke into a commentary about birds he’d seen before. If not for Kaz watching Jesper and giving small responses of head nods or a simple “yes” or “no” to his questions, he would have kicked Jesper out for bothering him. From where he stood, Kaz looked uncertain but also like he was trying to take an interest. He wondered about how this interaction had started, but he wasn’t going to question it.

Jesper looked back and went a bit pale when he saw his father watching them. Before he could offer excuses or apologies for not doing what he was told, Colm simply said, “What are you watching? Sounds interesting.”

Thankful that his da wasn’t about to rip him a new one, Jesper answered, “A wildlife show about Shu Han. Do you remember the pandas?! The ones from the zoo?”

Colm chuckled and said, “I do. You cried until your ma bought you a stuffed panda to take home.”

Jesper blinked several times and asked, “I did?”

“You did, mo leanbh.”

“I cried over Mr. Spot?”

“Yes. You had your ma wrapped around your little finger and she gave in after only two hours of crying. I was impressed. You normally broke her in three.”

Jesper buried his face in his hands and, though muffled, Colm could hear him say, “Okay, thank you. Moving on, please.”

Kaz said nothing but watched their interaction with interest. Colm giggled at Jesper’s groaning and Kaz turning to look at him with puzzlement. That’s when Colm left the two of them on their own to watch the show together, though he found that his heart was beating faster than usual.

This is progress. One step at a time. Thank the damn Saints, this is progress.

***

That night, Kaz managed to climb the stairs and go back to his room so he could sleep in his own bed instead of being stuck downstairs on the recliner. When he flipped on the lights, his eyes happened to fall onto the still folded paper that Genya had given him. He decided to go ahead and look at it to see what exactly it was considering he would have to see her again really soon, and he could admit to the curiosity picking at his brain.

He unfolded it to find a simple chart.

What is your favorite...

He wasn’t sure how much he could add to any of it yet or if he even really wanted to. There was always the fear in the back of his mind that anything like this could be used against him. Any little personal detail at all could always be used as a weapon. He knew because he did the same thing against the people who had hurt him until they found ways to silence him.

Still, he found himself reaching for a pen and contemplating some answers. Not everything he put down might be a favorite in the end, but it was something that he liked. That’s what Genya wanted. He figured he could try. There was no harm in knowing what his favorite animal or television show might be. At least, not at this point.

I’ll only write what’s safe.

What is your favorite...

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 8

As the weather cleared up, so did most of the intense pain Kaz had been feeling. This allowed him to find the sense of normalcy and routine he had come to crave as it was the indicator that everything was fine. He had come to rely on it as any deviation could mean disaster awaited.

He even tried to think of his appointments with Genya as part of the routine rather than something breaking away from the norm. His second appointment with her proved to not be as bad as he anticipated despite being tired from a night of poor sleep that had been laden with nightmares. He didn’t mention any of this to Genya of course.

The two of them did not talk about much beyond what was on their lists. Genya asked how many slots he had filled out, but he only had the two answers.

“Great! Can you share which ones you did and then I’ll tell you my answers?”

After thinking about it for a while, Kaz concluded that it wouldn’t hurt for him to go first, and so he said, “My favorite animal is a crow.”

“I love that. It’s rather unique. Most people say things like wolves or lions and the like. I think my favorite right now is still a panther. What else did you answer?”

He cleared his throat and said, “My favorite television shows are nature documentaries.”

“That’s a great answer. Do you really like animals?”

Kaz folded the paper back up to put it in his pocket while nodding that he did like them. There wasn’t anything else he really wanted to say on the matter, so he waited to see what her own answer was.

“My favorite television show is called The Royal Houses of Ravka. It’s like a period drama that shows the history of the Ravkan royal families. Are you interested in history?”

Kaz shrugged with a confused expression. He knew what history was as a concept, but he wasn’t taught much beyond basic Kerch history. He had no idea if he was interested in it or not, though he thought perhaps he might be. It was mostly because he wasn’t all that sure what a “royal family” was beyond what appeared in fairy tales, though he was sure none of those had much of a bearing on reality or how Ravka actually worked. 

Genya could see that he was overthinking the question and tried pulling him back to the present moment by saying, “I think your list is off to a good start. Don’t worry if it takes you a while to fill it out. Some of your answers might even change. I know mine has plenty. Some might not change at all and that is also fine.”

There wasn’t anything that he wished to say in return, so he nodded again as acknowledgment before turning his attention to his cane. He slowly twisted it in his hands while pointedly not looking at her anymore. She was pleased that he at least seemed less on edge for this appointment, but she wondered how much longer he’d tolerate it. After the last one, she thought about what might have sent him running, and she figured that it could have had something to do with mentioning the word “home”. She wanted to try broaching that subject again to see if it was something he might be open to talking about and how he would react again.

“Now that we’ve talked about the list, I was curious to know what you do at Colm’s to keep yourself occupied.”

He glanced up at her and looked back at his twisting cane to think of his answer. When he was ready, he said, “Read. Play with cards.”

“Do you like playing card games?”

He shook his head because he didn’t know how to play any besides “Go Fish” and he wasn’t about to ask anyone to play with him.

“What kind of books do you like to read?”

“… Any.”

“That’s nice. It’s good to have broad taste. You’ll learn a lot more that way. Do you have a lot of books at home?”

The cane stopped twisting as his hands went still. He didn’t say anything or even look up at her or toward the door. He just sat unmoving and even stopped breathing.

“Kaz? Can you tell me what you’re thinking? How you’re feeling?”

He remained silent.

“Would you like to be done for the day?”

Without an answer, he stood up and walked out the door. It was proof enough that he didn’t want to or couldn’t talk about the concept of “home” quite yet. They would take steps, and he’d get there eventually. Genya was prepared for this to be a very slow process, but one she was determined to see through to the end. Kaz was going to need all the time, patience, and care he could get from all of them.

***

Back in the safety of his routine, Kaz tossed the list onto his desk to be forgotten about for the time being as he needed to rest. He still got tired very quickly from too much walking, and building his strength and endurance was proving to be a challenge. It had been since he first forced himself upright out of his hospital bed on a pair of crutches to walk up and down the space of his room until he could barely stay upright anymore. Then, he’d moved on to a walker and then the cane as he wanted to have as little as possible to occupy his hands as he walked. It had been so hard, but Nadia watched him and encouraged him despite him knowing that she feared he was pushing himself too hard.

Now he laid on the bed and just closed his eyes for an hour until Jesper came by to let him know that dinner was already done. He braced himself for the trek back down the stairs, but he did it without complaint and joined Colm and Jesper just as always did now when the fear could be tamed enough to allow him.

When he was done with dinner, he refilled his water glass and went upstairs as he was feeling a bit too tired and overstimulated to remain with Colm and Jesper any longer. Lately, he’d found himself lingering a little more after he finished eating because he didn’t want to be alone, but now he found that he was looking forward to retreating to his room so he could read for the evening. That had become a part of his daily ritual that he truly enjoyed since Colm had given him access to as many books as he wanted. He was bid goodnight as he stood, and he answered in kind before finding his way to the peace and quiet that he craved.

For the next couple of hours, he fully engrossed himself in the story of his current novel until his eyelids grew heavy. Fatigue had unexpectedly hit him harder than he had anticipated after the past few nights of restless sleep and the appointment he had that day. It was not long before he felt himself falling asleep and he blindly reached for the lamp switch and promptly passed out.

Despite his body’s clear demand for rest, his mind had other ideas for his dreams yet again. He woke up around two in the morning after a nightmare involving too many cruel faces and hands pulling at him. He awoke in a fright and sat up quickly causing the book on his chest to tumble down to the floor. The sound of it made him flinch, and the shifting of his body revealed a cold sensation below him.

The blood drained from his face.   

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Shit. Shit, come on, no,” he muttered in a panic as he realized he had fallen asleep without going to the bathroom beforehand. That always proved disastrous for nights when fear overtook him in his dreams. 

Quickly standing beside the bed, he raked his hands through his hair and desperately fought for an idea of how he was going to hide what happened. Memories of this mistake with the man who imprisoned him made him feel sick and his mind foggy with the inability to focus on anything but what had happened.

“You fucking rat. Look what you’ve done. Get up and look at it.”

He shoved Kaz’s face into the place where he had wet the bed in fear while he had a nightmare. It was cold and smelled terrible, and the pain from his hand tearing into Kaz’s hair had him whimpering. He threw him onto the floor and told him to clean it up.

Kaz had been made to use his own blanket to clean up the urine while being hit with a belt buckle the entire time. By the time he had soaked up all he could, he was shaking and covered in painful welts and cuts. That’s when he was forced to drink more and was rechained to the bed rendering him completely helpless against another round of the same torture later when he’d inevitably be unable to hold it.

The memory of the pain he’d felt on that day flared across his back, and he whined in a mounting panic.

Think. Think. Okay, I’ll grab clean clothes, go to the bathroom, wash my skin, and then I’ll figure it out.

Taking his own advice, he grabbed another sweater, sweatpants, socks, gloves, and underwear. He bundled them in his arms and made for the bathroom as quietly as he possibly could. He turned the water on partially to keep it quiet which meant the hot water was going to take longer to come. He shivered as he stood there naked beside the pile of his soiled clothes. When the water finally warmed, he lathered a cloth in soap and quickly cleaned off his body while cursing himself the whole time.

Once redressed with his gloves tucked into his pocket, he took the cloth and his dirty clothes back to his room while trying not to trip over his aching, stiff leg. He shoved everything in the laundry basket and ripped the sheets from the bed hastily as the urgency to hurry before anyone found out mounted.

Fuck, I need towels and something to clean this and get the smell out. I’m fucked. I’m so fucked.

He made his way back into the hallway to the linen closet to search for old rags that he could use. It was difficult to see in the dark, so he just grabbed them based on their fraying, rough texture and hoped for the best.

Once back in his room, he tried to soak up what he could until a soft knock sounded on the door, and he heard Jesper call his name. He felt so sick to his stomach that he nearly threw up.

“Hey, what happened?”

Kaz was frozen on his knees by the bed until Jesper took a step inside. This made Kaz slink back against the desk with his knees up to protect his chest and his hands out to placate the rage he expected to come once Jesper realized what he had done.

“I’m s-sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m cleaning it. S-s-sorry…”

Jesper realized then what happened and said, “Here, let me help you.”

He moved to the bed and assessed the damage while Kaz shrank back more with the expectation that he was about to be beaten. Jesper, finally noticing this, knelt in front of him without realizing that he was blocking his escape route. Kaz turned his face away with his hands still held in front of himself.

“I’m not going to hurt you. It’s okay. I’m going to go get some cleaner for this. Be right back.”

Once Jesper had gone, Kaz was left feeling unsure and a little bit stunned about what had just happened.

Did I imagine that he was in here? I’m okay. How am I okay?

Jesper’s return with a bottle of fabric cleanser and more rags told him that he hadn’t imagined his presence. He only became more bewildered as he watched Jesper finish cleaning up the mess he had made as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

“There, that should do it. Just need to let it dry. Come on downstairs to the washer. Is everything in the laundry basket?”

Kaz, now completely bewildered by what was happening, barely remembered that he was expected to answer him. All he could do was nod before Jesper grabbed the basket.

“Come on,” Jesper called softly.

Jesper waited in the doorway which made Kaz wonder if he wasn’t giving him a choice about whether or not he should follow. He supposed there wasn’t much else to do in the moment but go as he had to wash everything. He just wished he was doing it on his own and not at risk for falling into some elaborate trick that Jesper was planning.

Quickly, Kaz glanced under the bed and saw that his bag with his crow was safely hidden away there, and he breathed shakily with relief knowing that Jesper hadn’t noticed when he knelt down. He then stood and followed as requested.

Again, to his surprise, Jesper only showed him exactly how to use the washing machine and how much soap needed to go in the load. Thankfully the machine wasn’t too loud, and both of them hoped that Colm would not be waking up from any of the recent commotion.

Jesper turned to him and said, “I think we’re about due for some hot chocolate. Come on.”

Hot chocolate?

Kaz followed him to the kitchen and sat at the table after washing his hands and putting on the pair of gloves he’d had in his pocket. Meanwhile Jesper grabbed two mugs and set about making their beverages. Both remained quiet while Jesper moved from cupboard to fridge with exaggerated caution. Kaz remembered how Colm had accused him of being clumsy. His nearly dropping the tin of coco powder despite his care was proof enough of that.

Once the drinks were done and topped with a ridiculous amount of whipped cream and sprinkles which Jesper looked far too proud about, he suggested they go to the living room as it was cold in the kitchen. Kaz stood and followed him out and took a spot on the couch.

The mug felt nice through the thin leather of his gloves which made him nearly want to avoid drinking from it. Eventually, he reasoned that the warmth might be nice inside of his stomach, and so he sipped on it tentatively while taking care not to ingest too much more liquid for fear that he could have a repeat episode. The whipped cream smeared on his nose which made Jesper giggle.

“Good, right? Can’t have hot chocolate without the Tower of Joy.”

Kaz looked at him quizzically, and Jesper laughed again.

“You can’t honestly tell me that you can drink from that mug and not be filled with joy from the cream and sprinkles. Come on, it’s delicious and decadent and the only proper way to have hot chocolate. I will hear no arguments,” he joked.

Kaz supposed he was right in a sense. He didn’t feel joy in that moment, but he did feel more at ease and the panic had worn off. He was still cautious, but Jesper didn’t seem to pay any mind.

***

After drinking in silence for a while, Jesper turned on the tv but muted it so Colm wouldn’t hear anything. He could tell that Kaz was still on edge based on the way he’d glance up the stairs every so often and how he’d nearly jumped out of his skin when he went for the remote.

“Let’s just watch something stupid with the subtitles on to pass the time before I put everything in the dryer.”

Jesper chose some ridiculous soap opera as everything else on was an informercial. Kaz watched with his head cocked and tried to follow the story but none of it made any sense. Having seen some of it already, Jesper explained the basic plot of how the woman in question was accused of murder but it was her mother who murdered her husband on her behalf, and now the mother’s boyfriend is betraying her and trying to go after the daughter. It was all a ridiculous web of lies and drama that Kaz still could not make any sense of, so he stopped trying and resorted to sitting with his eyes closed.

Kaz actually fell asleep not long afterward, so Jesper went and put his sheets and clothes in the dryer as quietly as he could. He tried to remain awake to so the two of them could go fix his bed before Colm woke up, but he, too, succumbed to his eventual fatigue and fell asleep in the chair.

Around seven thirty that morning, Colm emerged from his room to see both doors of the boys’ rooms open without them inside. Then he saw that Kaz’s bed was stripped. He descended the stairs but stopped quickly once he got to the living room and found both of them sound asleep. Jesper, his lanky body was draped over the recliner, and Kaz, curled up and pressed against the back of the couch, both looked exhausted.

Carefully, Colm shut the tv off, left, and then returned with blankets which he managed to put over both of them without them stirring. While he was curious as to how they had come to this position with half-drunk mugs of hot chocolate left on the coffee table, he was content to wait and allow them time to rest.

Oh, wait. Kaz’s bed. I wonder…

Colm went to check the dryer and, sure enough, found Kaz’s bedding along with his sleeping clothes. He realized what had happened then.

Poor thing.

A while later, Jesper was the first to awaken and stretched with a tired groan. Colm heard and went to quietly summon him into the other room. Jesper shuffled in, and Colm wasted no time in getting to the point before Kaz woke up.

“I put Kaz’s bed back together, except I didn’t. You did before he woke up.”

“Huh?” Jesper asked while rubbing his tired face.

Colm tried again with a very stern but “take the damn hint” expression and said, “You put the sheets and blankets back. You put his clothes back. Not me.”

Then it clicked. Jesper understood that his da was trying to save Kaz the embarrassment of him knowing what had happened.

“Yeah, you got it.”

“What happened, though? Is he alright?”

“I think he had a nightmare. He was really freaked out when I came to check on him. He acted like I was going to beat him. Um, I did what you said to do if that happens. I got to the task and told him what I’d do and then I told him I wasn’t going to hurt him. I just tried to be as normal as possible. Seemed to do the trick for the most part.”

“Good, good. Thank you, mo leanbh.”

“Of course. I just feel so bad for him.”

“Me, too. Anyway, I’ll get breakfast started. Not sure I should wake him up.”

“I’m sure he’ll wake up naturally from the scent of it. You’re making those fried potatoes again, aren’t you? You might want to wake him up regardless. I think he really likes those things.”

Colm chuckled and said, “Alright. I’ll wait half an hour though just to give him a little more time.”

Jesper left to take the opportunity to shower while Colm sat in the recliner and watched Kaz. Kaz’s hands found the edge of the blanket in his sleep and pulled it up tighter to his chin. He seemed so small and fragile and scared even as he slept. There was nothing Colm could do and knowing that made his heart ache.

If only I could come into your dreams to tell you that you’re alright, a chuilein.

All he could do was remain close.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 9

After Kaz had his accident, he was reluctant to leave his room again. The rest of the day and the day after saw him refraining from joining them for meals again, so Colm brought them to him with no questions asked. Kaz was thankful for the mercy, but he couldn’t help but feel guilty and that he was taking advantage of their kindness now.

He couldn’t even bring himself to read very much. Memories of what used to happen to him when he’d wet the bed compared to how Jesper helped him played over and over again. The shame of it nearly made him sick.

Sitting still wasn’t helping either, so he rhythmically tapped his desk and rocked on his bed to stim and self-soothe, but it barely worked. He tried shuffling his card deck again, but he kept dropping them as he didn’t want to take his gloves off and he couldn’t quite get the hang of it with them still on. 

Sleeping was nearly impossible on the second night, too. He had too much pent-up energy and no idea how to get it out. Had his leg not been ruined, he would want to go outside and just run. That was no longer an option, and the thought of it sent a warning ache through his femur that he couldn’t dismiss which frustrated him.

The next morning, he stood by the window and stared outside while feeling nearly lifeless. He could barely eat what Colm had brought him for breakfast and what Jesper brought later that afternoon. His heart wasn’t in anything, and the longer he stood there and stared out the window, the worse he felt. He just couldn’t stop.

Around four o’clock that afternoon, Wylan came wandering up the drive while looking deep in thought, and Kaz watched him until he drifted out of sight onto the porch.  Kaz heard Jesper’s boisterous greeting from downstairs and Wylan’s strained laugh in answer. It sounded as if Jesper had picked him up and squeezed him.

That thought left him wondering again what it was like to be hugged, and he suddenly craved Jordie’s arms around him.

I wish you were here. I’m just… I’m so lonely.

Feeling hopeless, he laid down on his bed and listened to the muffled sound of their voices while trying to remember what Jordie’s sounded like. He could barely remember anymore, and the last time he’d spoken to Kaz was when they had both been deathly ill. Jordie hadn’t sounded like himself, and the only thing Kaz could hear from his brother’s voice before that were his screams.

Why did we have to end up there? Why can’t you be here with me now?

The descent into a worse depression was threatening to overtake him until a strange sound came to his ears. He recognized it to be a flute, but he had never seen one in real life. He wondered if they had turned on the TV, but a pause and a frustrated laugh from Wylan told him that it was real and that Wylan was the one playing.

Curiosity had gripped him, and he couldn’t help but want to peek downstairs to see just like he did when they had a movie night. He did not, however, want to be caught doing so as Wylan was a new person, and new people always meant danger.

It’s different here, though. Right? I have Nadia’s number. I could just call her for help if something bad happened. She’d come, right? And… what if it’s fine? What if they’re all really okay? Maybe I can try? Just for a minute. See what happens. At least I can test it and get a better idea of how everything works here.

After convincing himself to go look, he climbed out of the safety and warmth of his bed and onto the floor. The weight of him settling on his legs didn’t feel pleasant, and he nearly retreated back to bed, but he knew better than to stay in bed longer than really necessary. He had already been dealing with excess energy and he desperately needed some exercise, so at least now he had a small excuse to walk even just a little bit.

What would happen if I went for a walk outside beyond the porch, I wonder? Too soon for that. One step at a time.

And that’s just what he did as he ventured down the stairs: one step at a time until he was able to peek down at the mini concert. He lowered himself on the stairs to sit and tried not to intrude as he watched the boy with auburn curls make magic with the shining metal tube in his hands. It was an energetic tune, and one he had never heard before.

When Wylan had finished, Jesper whooped and cheered which made Kaz flinch. The movement caught Wylan’s eye.

Shit.

“Oh, hello. I’m sorry, was I being too loud and bothering you?”

Kaz shook his head, but he didn’t say anything. He kept glancing toward the flute and wondered if it was about to be made into a weapon despite his continued intrigue.

Jesper leaned to Wylan’s ear and whispered, “I think he’s curious,” before turning to address Kaz.

“This is Wylan,” he gestured toward the boy standing and waving awkwardly. “He’s my boyfriend, so you’ll see him around here a lot. Wylan, this is Kaz whom I have told you about.”

“It’s nice to meet you!” Wylan offered. “I hope you like it here so far. Um…” he trailed off and looked at the recliner and asked, “Would you like to sit here and watch instead? It might help me, actually. I’m practicing for a concert. I’m a soloist in it. I’m a bit nervous about being in front of an audience with so much focus on me, so, I don’t know. Maybe if you’re willing?”

Kaz considered it. He was truly curious about the instrument, and he accepted the offer. There was also the fear that any refusal might be offensive, and he wanted to avoid that at all costs.

As he made his way to the chair, Wylan made an effort to not watch him with his own curiosity. Jesper had told him a little about the scarecrow of a boy who always hid when he wasn’t trying to walk through the house unsteadily on his cane. He looked harmless enough, so Wylan relaxed.

When he was ready, Wylan began playing again, and Kaz was mesmerized and sat as still as possible. He watched the way Wylan controlled the many keys with his fingers as if it was as easy as breathing. There were clearly thousands of hours of practice poured into the instrument, and he was left feeling a little awe.  

Afterwards, Jesper looked at him and said, “Pretty cool, huh?”

Kaz nodded without moving much of his body.

Wylan sighed in relief and said, “Oh, good. I’m so glad you like it. That one part in the middle is so difficult! There’s that octave switch and then an immediate switch from forte to pianissimo and I don’t understand what psychopath decided that was the choice…”

Kaz couldn’t follow what Wylan was talking about, but Jesper seemed enraptured.

“You’ll get it, love. Just a little more practice and you’ll be nailing it exactly how you want.”

“I hope so. Oh, that reminds me…” Wylan set his flute down and grabbed a blue flyer out of his backpack and handed it to Jesper. “What does it say? They passed it out at the end of the day.”

Jesper took it and read, “Summer Music Camp recital, August 13^th at six bells in the evening. Cookies and juice will be provided in the lobby before show time. Ticket price: 10 kruge. Additional donations can be made to the Tarweland High Music Program.”

Jesper is reading to him. Wylan can’t read, so Jesper is reading to him. He’s not berating him or hurting him. He’s being kind… huh?

“Kaz?”

Kaz hadn’t realized that Wylan was speaking to him as he was spaced out processing what he was seeing. He looked at Jesper who had gotten his attention and waited nervously. His shoulders visibly hunched, and his head dropped down in instinctive reaction to anticipation of a blow coming.

“You’re invited if you’d like to come. It’s alright if it’s too much too soon. We’d understand. It was nice that you got to sit down here and listen either way.”

He nodded again. Going out to a concert would be too much. He was still scared of being in that house, so going to anywhere new at that moment seemed daunting and far too overwhelming to even consider. He hoped that Jesper meant it when he said it would be alright if he didn’t go. Though, there was a part of him that wished he could.

“Well, if I practice this song one more time today I will probably fire this contraption out the window like a javelin, so I’m calling it. I already played it upwards of five thousand times today, so I’m done,” Wylan said while flopping down to grab his cleaning rod and cloth.

“That’s probably for the best, dear. Hey,” Jesper turned to Kaz. “Do you want to eat with us? My da is working a bit late tonight out with some contractors for the new greenhouse, so he told me we could fend for ourselves if we were hungry. I, quite frankly, am starving.”

“Jes, you just ate two hours ago. You texted me,” Wylan teased.

“Yeah. I’m a growing boy. You want to Kaz?”

Is this a trick? I don’t really want to go sit in my room again, and I am a little hungry now. Maybe I’ll be okay? I’ll keep my guard up.

“Okay,” Kaz whispered.

Wylan tried not to visibly react to him speaking, but Kaz caught it. He wondered if it really was so shocking that he might decide to say anything. Thoughts that he should maybe just stay completely silent returned, and he wondered if they were more harmful than good in that moment.

“Right! Let’s go. Noodles in tomato sauce okay?”

“Fine with me,” Wylan answered. 

Jesper looked at Kaz who only nodded again.

“Then, let us away to dine, gentlemen!”

When they were in the kitchen, Kaz sat down at the table and watched as Jesper and Wylan worked together to boil the water, gather the noodles and argue about whether they should be broken or not, warming the sauce from one of their stored mason jars, slicing and preparing a baguette for garlic bread, and getting the dishes all placed. He felt bad sitting there without contributing, but he could barely concentrate on much beyond fidgeting with his cane that he kept between his knees. Neither of the boys said anything about it to him, so he assumed all was okay.

He noticed that both made a point of describing where they were walking to and what they were doing every step of the way. He assumed it was for his benefit, but it was hard to understand that someone would actually do that for him to make him feel safer.

Soon, a steaming bowl of noodles and a plate of garlic bread were placed in front of him, and it smelled enticing. Before he could even pick up the fork, Jesper had taken a bite of his, and burned himself.

“Ah! Hot, hot, hot!” he shouted with a noodle dangling from his lip still.

Wylan grabbed the noodle and flung it into the sink while Jesper fanned his open mouth. Kaz watched with worry that Jesper was about to be angry, but he only laughed and said, “Oops”. Wylan rolled his eyes and sat down at his spot at the table, while Jesper took a sip of water.

“Maybe blow on it this time or wait a minute?” Wylan suggested with fatigue.

“But I’m hungry” Jesper whined.

“Jesper Llewellyn Fahey, you’re going to burn your tongue off and then you’re going to whine about that,” Colm said as he walked in through the door.

The sound of his voice startled Kaz, and Colm noticed. Hoping to diffuse his worry without drawing attention to it, he playfully said, “Hello, Kaz. It’s nice to have you down here. I hope you haven’t burned yourself yet.”

Kaz noted the mischievous grin on his face, but before he could even answer, Jesper said, “Oh, you did not use my middle name in front of Kaz and my beloved!”

Colm deadpanned, “I did, and I’ll do it again when I give a speech at your wedding. Now hush.”

“I thought you were working late!” Jesper said through a pout while Wylan hid a blushing smile behind his hand.

“I did, but now I’m done earlier than I thought I’d be.”

“There’s plenty in the pot. Let me get you some,” Jesper said while standing up.

“Thank you, mo leanbh. And hello, Wylan.”

The conversation flowed between the three of them as Kaz slowly nibbled his food that had cooled down enough not to burn himself on. Everything was good, and the warmth and full feeling in his stomach gave him a small sense of peace that he still wasn’t quite used to. The medicine that Colm had given him had reduced his pain by miles, and so he could eat without fearing the aftermath.

He actually managed to relax a little at the table as he listened to Wylan tell everyone about the music camp he’d been attending for their summer vacation and about the piece he’d been practicing. Colm seemed very interested and keen on attending the performance.

Kaz noticed that everyone would look over at him from time to time. He wondered if they expected him to speak, but they never indicated that they were exactly. It was like they were just checking in on him and then continuing on with their discussion. He didn’t feel left out or too frightened.

Why would I be worried about being left out? I have nothing to say as it is. I still need to be cautious. This could all still be part of their plan to make me trust them. Was Rollins even this elaborate back then? We were little kids, so maybe not? I don’t know.

By the end of dinner, he was feeling overstimulated again, and he had the urge to go back upstairs. He wasn’t sure if that was allowed, but he was hesitant to ask. Still, when the boys started washing up at their insistence, Colm caught his eye.

“You okay?” he asked.

Steeling himself against anything bad that might happen, Kaz asked, “Can I please go back to my room now?”

“Of course,” Colm answered with a smile and no hint of anger or disappointment.

Relieved, Kaz pushed himself to his feet which caught Jesper’s attention.

“You going upstairs?” he asked.

Kaz nodded.

Wylan turned to see him nod and said, “It was really nice to meet you! I hope I’ll see more of you when I come back. Thanks for being my audience. It was good practice.”

Kaz gave one more tiny nod before walking backwards until he found the wall and then slipped out. He saw the way Wylan watched him do that with a little more curiosity than he was likely aware was present on his face. It was obvious they had talked about him, but he was curious as to what extent. He was sure only Colm knew the worst of what happened to him, and he wondered how long it would stay that way. 

Please, don’t ever let them find out.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 10

The face that looked back at him wasn’t his own. Not how he remembered. It wasn’t that he didn’t have access to any mirrors during his time at the house of the man commonly known as Jakob Hertzoon but legally named Pekka Rollins – names he wished he could wipe from his memory. It was only that there was something missing despite having grown from the time he first walked through his door at nine years old.

His cheek bones were almost jagged. There was still weight that needed to be put on, and his efforts had made somewhat of a difference in filling out the hollowness of his cheeks. The gash in his eyebrow had healed over to leave a scar where hair no longer grew, and he unhappily acknowledged that part of his face. The scar running through his lip attracted more of his attention as he ran a finger down it as if he might be able to wipe away the evidence of its presence. Then he looked at the dark moons beneath his eyes that contrasted with his pale skin that was still white, but it was milkier now as opposed to the pallor of one who was deathly ill.

So much had been added to his face from time and pain, but it wasn’t complete. It wasn’t his face. There were remnants of Jordie in the color and emptiness of his eyes. The way he knew his lips could turn up into a smile would reveal the same one shared by his mother. The scarring was a gift from his father, the man he once lovingly called Pa, the man who he cried out for day in and day out for years even though he was gone. The man with gashes on his face from a careless and disastrous “accident” that would never scar anywhere except on Kaz’s.

He couldn’t stand to look at himself anymore, and he found himself wanting to punch the mirror out to feel the glass break against his skin.

What’s one more scar?

Instead, he took a breath and found his way outside to sit on the porch steps. There, he found the calming warmth of the summer afternoon that might have been too hot for most people, but it was fine for him as he was still plagued often by chills. At least now he was able to sit without shivering and just let the sunlight cover him in a warmth that was all too often in short supply.

Looking out at the vast expanse of flowers quivering in the lightest breeze invited him to think of the calmness and serenity that surrounded him, but all his mind could do was drift back to memories of his former life. There were vague flashes of a picnic in a meadow where daisies grew. His parents had been lounging on a bright blue blanket spread out across the grass while Jordie taught him how to fly a kite. The kite had been orange, but he couldn’t think of the shape. He couldn’t remember if his mother had lost her hair by then or if his father had adopted the face of a man half alive. What he did remember was the warmth of the day that was just like this one, and yet it made him hug himself tighter.

I miss you all so much. This isn’t fair. You’re supposed to be here. You’re supposed to…

“Hi!”

Kaz looked up and saw Jesper walking up the drive. He figured that Wylan must have dropped him off after he had spent the night over at his house. Their own house had been noticeably quiet and somehow empty without Jesper’s presence, but Kaz didn’t let himself think on that for too long.

When he didn’t answer, Jesper asked him, “Can I sit next to you? Over here so we’re not really close.”

Kaz looked to where he was gesturing, and he nodded while also scooting himself further away toward the edge of the steps. He was reassured to see that Jesper didn’t seem to mind or take offense in the slightest.

Together, they sat quietly and watched the blooms sway around them while listening to the ever-musical birds sing and answer each other in repetitive patterns and calls. Jesper had tried not to fidget much, but it was proving to be difficult as evidenced by his absentminded picking of the paint on the railing.

As the silence became too much for him, Jesper watched Kaz for a while and then said, “I’m sorry if I’m wrong, but you… You look really sad. Are you?”

Surprised at the question, Kaz looked at him for a moment before looking back toward the fields and giving him a small nod.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Kaz shook his head, and Jesper accepted it. Though, Jesper did have another idea.

“Well, there’s one thing that always helps me when I’m sad. I’ll be right back.”

A couple minutes later, Jesper loudly arrived as if to announce his presence and then sat down in the same spot. In his hand was a bar of chocolate which he pushed over toward Kaz who looked at him strangely.

Pointing, Jesper said, “This is nature’s cure-all. You like chocolate, right? I remember you liked the hot chocolate I made you before.”

With a tiny nod, Kaz looked down at the bar and then back to Jesper as a way to ask permission and if he was sure he wanted to give him the chocolate.

“Go ahead. Try some! I think you might like it. Wylan actually got me hooked on this kind. He gives me chocolate when I’m sad now, too.”

Reaching over, Kaz kept his eyes on Jesper just to be sure there were no tricks or attempts to grab him. He let himself be slightly less vigilant as he tore the paper down and broke off a square of the chocolate and placed it on his tongue. It melted immediately, and the taste brought him back to a time when he shared a candy bar with Jordie.

I wonder where he stole it from? That was the last time either of us had candy. Fuck, I don’t want to think about this. Oh, I should say something, actually.

“Thank you,” he managed to say a little louder than a whisper.

“Of course! And you know, I’m really happy you’re here. Wylan, too. He’s glad he got to meet you the other day. And, um, if you ever want to talk, just let me know. I don’t even have to say anything. I’ll just listen. I know you have your therapist, but sometimes it’s nice to have a friend to listen, too.

Friend? My friend… I haven’t had a friend since I was very small.

“Anyway, I can leave you to it. That whole bar is for you, by the way.” Jesper stood up to stretch then and cheerfully said, “See you at dinner” before bounding away into the house.

Meanwhile, Kaz ate a few more pieces before deciding he wanted to save the rest. He took the chocolate up to his room and shut the door quickly. He then knelt beside his bed and leaned down to pull up on a floorboard beneath it. It came away easily as he had worked the nails out with one of the pens Colm had given him. There, he added the chocolate to his small stash of food he had hidden away in case of an emergency.

Once the board was firmly back in place, he crawled into bed and under his blankets to try and sleep for a while. He still tired easily in the day, and he’d stopped trying to fight the desire to give in. So, he grabbed his crow and snuggled it between both of the fuzzy blankets that he was grateful for daily. Soon enough, he drifted away to a light slumber that he hoped would leave him feeling rested for once.

***

After waking that afternoon, he had taken to sitting at his desk and trying new ways to shuffle his card deck around. He found that he was enjoying it quite a lot and had even made it easier to control them after making small slits in his leather gloves with one of his razors. He could feel the cards better and work them almost as easily as he could without them.

He only paused when a knock sounded on his door and he turned to answer, “come in”, though he still felt odd doing so. He still wasn’t used to being given the choice of allowing someone into his space or not. 

Colm came in then and moved to the side so he wouldn’t block the door.

“I am planning on doing laundry now, so I can take your hamper down. What about your sheets?”

It had been a week since they were washed last when he had his accident, so he figured it might be a good idea. He stood up and awkwardly faced the bed in such a way that his back wasn’t turned to Colm who was grabbing his hamper already, but it made him clumsy and nervous. He pulled off the fitted sheet from the corners, but one got stuck, so he had to yank it without bending over the bed to free it. It made the sheet pop and rip away with so much force that his crow slid with it and out from beneath his pillows before rolling down onto the floor.

Colm looked down at the little black bird and then up at Kaz who looked utterly devastated. Kaz fell to his knees hard which made Colm wince and put the hamper down. Once on the floor, Kaz grabbed the crow, held it in both arms to his chest, and twisted away while ignoring the radiating pain from the impact.

“Please don’t take it from me. Please,” he pleaded with a trembling voice.

Colm sat on the floor far away from him and assured him, “I won’t. Kaz, I won’t. Of course, I won’t.”

Kaz hugged the crow tighter as his breathing became unsteady and ragged.

“Did your parents give that to you?” Colm asked sweetly.

Kaz shook his head, and a few tears fell.

“Jordie?” Colm asked.

Hearing his brother’s name on Colm’s lips nearly made him freeze up, but he glanced back at him and nodded.

“Does your crow have a name?”

Confused by Colm’s lack of anger or demand that he throw it away, he shook his head and said, “Just Crow.”

“We get a lot of them around here. I’ll be sure to show you when they come back. They’re very smart and resourceful birds. I can see why you’d be drawn to them. They’re kind of like you, you know?” He gave Kaz an approving smile which, along with the compliment, made Kaz unsure of how to react. “You don’t have to hide Crow from anyone here. Well… Okay, maybe Jesper’s friend’s dog. His name is Trassel and if he comes over here and sees Crow he might think it’s a chew toy. Otherwise, you don’t have to hide it. Alright?”

Kaz relaxed a little then as Colm stood up and backed away to grab the sheets and hamper. He didn’t say anything else as he left as he didn’t want Kaz to feel pushed into talking or like someone was breathing down his neck. Colm just hoped his knees were alright after dropping on them so hard.

***

Colm was pleased to see that Kaz had still joined them for dinner. He was worried that the fright over the discovery of Crow would make him not want to come down. Colm did notice that he rubbed his knees a little more than usual, but he didn’t bring attention to it.

They had a simple meal of hutspot which Kaz seemed to like quite a lot as he cleaned his bowl. Seeing that happen always made Colm rest a little easier when night came and he was left alone with his thoughts. He just hoped his next suggestion would go over as well and be just as well liked.

“Kaz, we’re going to watch a movie tonight if you’d like to join us.”

Kaz was a little surprised by the announcement. He’d been planning on returning upstairs to read as he always had, but he did consider the offer. He hadn’t seen a movie since he was nine. He decided to try, so he said. “Okay”.

Jesper tried hard not to look too excited, but Kaz could almost feel him vibrating from where he sat. He gave him a quizzical look which spurred Jesper into standing up and saying, “I’m going to go pick the movie while Da makes popcorn.”

“Oh, so I get more of the work?” Colm teased while smiling as clearly as he could so Kaz would see and understand that it was a joke.

Jesper, clutching his imaginary pearls, said, “Excuse me, dearest Da, but picking the feature film is a task most arduous and in need of a clear mind. It’s quite laborious.”

“While I’m impressed with your vocabulary, I’ll remind you to behave yourself when picking the film.”

Jesper snorted and said, “Yes, Da.”

Colm turned to Kaz while grabbing the tin of popcorn kernels and said, “You can go and make yourself comfortable out in the living room. Sit wherever you’d like. I’ll be done in about ten minutes.”

Kaz slipped away and planted himself in the recliner and watched as Jesper went through an endless menu of movies that Kaz couldn’t make heads or tails of. Jesper’s muttered stream of “no, nah, nope, absolutely not, not on your life, that shouldn’t have ever been filmed” and other comments told him that he either knew exactly what he was looking for or that he had already seen way too many movies.

“This is the one! Yes! I haven’t seen this for a while. Have you ever watched it?” Jesper asked earnestly.

Kaz looked at the image of a turtle with a blue and an orange fish in front of it and shook his head “no”. In fact, he had no idea what movie he’d seen last. He didn’t really watch many even with his family before.

“Do you mind?”

Again, he shook his head. He didn’t mind at all. He found that he was actually happy to be included. That feeling gave him pause.

Happy. I’m happy? Maybe a little. 

He heard Colm walking into the room and watched him come around to his line of sight.

“Would you like some popcorn? Here’s a bowl for you if you want.”

Colm placed the bowl on the edge of the table so it was close enough for Kaz to bend forward and grab. It smelled amazing, and he was excited to try it again after not having any for years. However, he didn’t want to take his gloves off. He decided he’d just deal with the butter residue that would be left and would just wash them off afterward. So, he popped one in his mouth and delighted in how good it tasted while knowing he’d have to pace himself and refrain from inhaling it.

Jesper and Colm settled on the couch, and Jesper pressed play. That’s when Colm realized what movie was chosen, and he was immediately concerned. He and Jesper could handle the storyline about the little fish’s mother passing away, but he wasn’t sure how Kaz would react. That, and there was the fact that Nemo’s fin was hurt.

Colm’s fears were for nothing, however, as Kaz just sat wide-eyed while watching the movie. In fact, Kaz was barely following the plot. He was more interested in how the hell something like that could be made. The animation was mesmerizing, and he wanted to know how it worked. He had refrained from asking though as he didn’t wish to interrupt the story for them.

Jesper, on the other hand, couldn’t stop worrying because Kaz didn’t laugh once during the funny parts of the film. He wasn’t sure if he didn’t understand or if he was feeling bad or what. He just watched Kaz slowly eating his popcorn while staring at the screen like he was witnessing some form of witchcraft. Colm simply caught Jesper’s eye and nodded with a grin to reassure him that all was well. That made him settle a little.

A look of surprise came over Kaz when he realized he’d finished all of his popcorn, and it was only about thirty seconds later that Colm appeared beside him asking if he’d like more. Kaz nodded, and Colm motioned for him to place the bowl on the table so he could dump more into it. If he didn’t know any better, he thought he might have imagined the tiniest miniscule upward movement of Kaz’s lips when he picked the bowl back up.

After the movie was over, Jesper asked Kaz if he liked it. Instead of answering with a “yes” or “no”, Kaz instead asked, “How did they do that? Make them move?”

Jesper looked at Colm who was thrilled that Kaz had actually asked a question like that. Colm said, “They made it all with a computer. It’s like moving art but instead of drawing it on paper, they used a computer.”

Kaz looked blown away and, to Jesper’s amusement, like Colm was revealing some giant secret.

“We should watch another one of those movies tomorrow. This one is older, so maybe you’d like one of the more recent ones. There’s a ton of cool animated movies. Want to?”

“… okay.”

“I’ll let you pick tomorrow? I can show you a bunch of stuff and then you can decide,” Jesper suggested.

Choices. Too many choices. I’m not sure.

Instead of saying anything, Kaz put his empty bowl on the table again and looked at the floor. He was starting to get a little overwhelmed despite wanting to participate again the next day. He just wasn’t sure what to say or even if he could say anything else at that point.

“Welp, boys, I look forward to tomorrow’s film. For now, though, I’m off to bed,” Colm announced.

“Yeah. Me, too. I’m actually really tired,” Jesper responded.

“Go ahead and leave the bowls there for now. We can deal with them in the morning.”

Before anything else could be said, Kaz whispered a quick goodnight to both and swiftly retreated up the stairs while they remained seated for a minute. Once he reached the landing, they moved to turn off the tv and the lights.

They waited for me, and I don’t feel like running.  

Not wanting to think on it more, Kaz went to the bathroom to relieve himself and brush his teeth as quickly as possible so he could go to bed, too. He craved the safety and consistency that his bed offered even if he didn’t always sleep soundly. This bed that he could call his own was so different than the one he had known for far too many years in the Rollins house. This one was his and his alone, and Colm and Jesper had proven so far that they would never touch it without permission.

Maybe Nadia was actually right. No. No, this is the point where everything goes wrong. Right? I don’t know. I wish I knew for sure. Tonight was… fun? And I liked meeting Wylan. I wasn’t as lonely then or today. I.. I don’t know. Fuck.

After rinsing his mouth but unable to do the same for his fearful thoughts, he looked up at his face in the mirror again. He still didn’t know the face that looked back, but there was a hint of something else there that wasn’t present that morning. His eyes were still dark and empty with purple moons beneath them. His cheeks were still hollow despite the copious amounts of popcorn he ate. There was perhaps just a little more spark. A little more willingness. A little more peace with his situation even if he was unsure.

He shut the light off, went to his room, and grabbed the paper that Genya had given to him. He marked a couple more answers down before crawling into the blankets he pined for.

What is your favorite...

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 11

Kaz was back in the room at the Rollins house, and he couldn’t wake up. His wrists and ankles were chained to a wall, and his clothes were gone. He frantically looked around for any sign that he was at the Fahey farm or that Colm or Jesper would come through the door to help him, but he found nothing. They never came.

He called out for help, but he felt sluggish and like he couldn’t make his voice carry. It was like he was trapped in molasses and every movement and attempt to speak was hindered by some invisible substance that slowed and drowned him. The only part of him that could move quickly were his eyes, and he looked around for anything that he could use to pick the locks of his chains, but suddenly his arms were chained too far apart. Panic made him desperately call for Jordie, but he didn’t come. The only people who finally came through the door were Rollins and someone else – a new face, a new pain.

Finally, he ripped himself out of the nightmare. He was covered in a cold sweat as he looked around the dim room. The shapes of his nightstand, desk, and dresser came into focus, and so did the growing pile of books on top the nightstand next to his lamp. He felt around him and touched the soft blanket with his bare hands and found Crow which he clutched to his chest immediately.

Shaking from the residual fear, he willed himself to regain control of his breathing. When he did, he looked at the clock and realized he had awoken far too early. He resigned himself to laying there for the next couple of hours until Colm and Jesper woke up to start their days. He considered trying to read, but he was too restless and distressed to concentrate on the story. 

Dragging himself down the stairs was difficult when it was time to get up, but the growl in his stomach told him he better at least try. He was just so tired. This was the third night in a row of terrible dreams. His latest appointment with Genya had left him feeling upset. She had tried to talk to him more about the list and attempted to link it to the things he really needed to talk about but refused to.

“Finding Nemo? That’s such a good movie,” she said while trying to hide her surprise at the selection. “What did you like about it?”

Kaz thought for a bit and answered, “The animation. I wanted to know how it worked.”

“Are you interested in stuff like that? Art and how it’s made?”

He shrugged as he wasn’t sure.

“Who picked the movie? Was that you?”

He shook his head and said, “Jesper.”

“Does he also really like it?”

“Yeah,” he said while looking down.

Genya wanted to nudge him toward talking about the story, and she saw how he was stretching his leg out in front of him. She thought to try that approach.

“Is your leg hurting?”

He glanced up at her and then away again to say, “Yes.”

“I don’t remember. Did Nemo’s fin hurt him often in the movie? I just remember that it was smaller after an injury.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Ah. I was just wondering if you might have related to him that way. I’m sorry your leg hurts so much. Is there anything that helps it?”

He eyed her warily at that and said, “Not much.”

“Can I ask you where it hurts? Exactly?”

His gaze turned darker, and she could see that they were reaching the limit of the day. Still, he looked down and half-heartedly pointed to a few places.

“How long ago was it hurt?”

Kaz started to shake his head then. He didn’t want to talk about it let alone think about it. The way his hand suddenly gripped his thigh told her that.

She changed the subject to talk about the favorite place he put down before she even shared her own favorite film.

“Meadows are your favorite places? Can you tell me more about that?”

He couldn’t, though. Maybe if they hadn’t started off talking about his leg and how much it hurt then he could have said something. Or, maybe if they started talking about meadows he’d shut down anyway because he’d be thinking about his family. It was one thing to think about them and sit with the memory of them. It was another thing to try and talk about it was a stranger who knew nothing about them.

“Kaz? Can you tell me what’s going through your mind? What you’re feeling right now?”

He shrugged on impulse because he didn’t want to say anything else at all, and he could feel the way she was scrutinizing his face.

“How have you been sleeping lately?”

He hadn’t stayed after that. In truth, he’d had a terrifying nightmare the night before going in, so the question made him remember and become filled with anxiety. He hadn’t even bothered to try and leave politely. He stood up so quickly that Genya jumped a little in her seat which he was too distressed to notice or feel bad about. He just stumbled out the door and looked at Colm and toward the front to wordlessly ask to leave.

Colm was worried that he kept leaving the appointments so quickly, but Genya looked out with her usual calm smile and said, “Same time next week?”

Kaz had wanted to tell her that he would not be going back, but he knew that was a battle he’d lose immediately. Thinking back on it now just made him feel agitated and slightly remorseful for running out as he had, but he didn’t want to be there. He knew that Colm said he needed to talk about things, but he didn’t want to. It was too hard, and too raw, and too painful. Colm just didn’t understand.

Now, as Kaz tried to push the memories of his nightmares and Genya out of his mind, his head started to ache, and his stomach protested its emptiness. He was so exhausted that he nearly turned back to bed and wait for Colm to bring him something.

When he entered the kitchen, Jesper was already in the middle of an animated tale about Wylan creating some kind of horrid chemical reaction in their school’s lab the previous year that made a retched smell. Colm was listening with rapt amusement.

Kaz, not thinking straight and suddenly feeling incredibly thirsty, went straight for the sink after nodding at Colm in acknowledgement of his presence. Colm greeted him with a small wave. Jesper waved, too, but continued his story without missing a beat in the meantime. Colm, however, noticed how Kaz had his back to them which told him that Kaz had to have been feeling poorly or half asleep. He kept listening to Jesper, but he eyed Kaz with concern at his change in behavior.

That was the beginning of Kaz’s setback, and if Colm could turn the clock back on this moment he would without hesitation.

As Kaz drank his water, Jesper’s gesticulations became too large, and his hand went back and accidentally hit Kaz on his backside. The strike triggered a memory of pain from his nightmares, both real and imagined, that shocked and radiated through him. Kaz dropped his cane and the glass which shattered across the floor. Utterly horrified, Kaz dropped to his knees to clean up the mess. He cut himself through his cotton gloves when he tried to frantically scoop the shards into a pile.

“I’m sorry, I’m s-so s-sorry,” he apologized while stuttering and barely being able to draw in a breath as tears started to drip from his eyes.

Colm stood up and assured him, “It’s alright. I’ll help you…”

But Jesper already knelt by Kaz with the same intention. However, he got too close which sent Kaz falling backwards painfully onto his backside and scrambling away toward the corner while loudly whimpering through ragged, terrified breaths. As soon as his back hit the wall, he covered his head with his arms and hands while drawing his knees up to protect his chest. 

Jesper watched on in confusion and fear while insisting, “I only accidentally bumped him. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it, Da, I swear!”

“I know, I know. It was an accident. It’s going to be alright. Just stay back.”

Colm, heartbroken from how terrified Kaz was, went to sit before him while keeping his distance. There was still glass around them, and he wondered if Kaz might grab a chunk and lunge at him if the notion crossed his scared state of mind.

“No!” Kaz shouted when he saw Colm come to sit. “No, no, no, please. I’m sorry. I’m…”

He cried harder then, and Colm softly called out, “Kaz? It’s alright. You’re not in trouble.”

Kaz was sobbing like a dam had broken open and all of the fear from what had happened to him, the fear of the unknown in the Fahey house, and the fear from all of his nightmares that he had been holding inside could no longer be contained. He looked up at Colm to seemingly try and analyze his emotions, but his eyes remained wild with panic. The way he cried reminded Colm of a moment when Jesper had a nightmare when he was six, except Kaz had really seen and been hurt by monsters. His innocence had been destroyed, and his cries were so much more gut wrenching.

“S-Sorry, I’m sorry. P-please, don’t… Don’t hurt me. I’ll b-be good. I’ll be good. I p-promise. Please, I didn’t mean to break it. Please…” he choked out between the heaving sobs racking his body.

Saints, this poor child…

“Nobody is going to hurt you, a chuilein. I promise you. Jesper touched you by accident. He really didn’t mean to. I swear it.”

A surge of pain in his backside from how hard he fell onto it and from Jesper’s accidental jostling made even more fear grip him like a tourniquet that stopped all reason. The feeling of where Jesper’s hand had made contact was not fading away, and the slight shift in Colm’s position onto his knees made him think the worst was about to come again.   

“No, no, no don’t, you promised…” he wailed while one of his hands flew to the waistband of his pants as if to hold it in place which did not go unnoticed by either Colm or Jesper. “Please… don’t take them off… I don’t want it! I don’t want it. I don’t want it… It hurts… I want Jordie. Jordie, please come back. Help. Stop, stop, no!”

He was in hysterics and pressed his shaking body fully into the corner. He tried blocking himself with his legs and free arm again so Colm couldn’t see his face.

“Jesper, go get me the blanket from the couch. Now,” he said calmly but firmly enough to get the urgency across.

Without argument, Jesper was gone and back within seconds and handed the patterned blanket over. Colm, inching a little closer to Kaz, said, “I’m going to put a blanket on you…”

Between hiccupping breaths, Kaz pleaded, “Don’t. P-please, stop. Stop!”

“It’s not going to hurt, and you won’t feel my hands. I promise.”

He swung the blanket over him and tucked it around Kaz’s body to cover him in a way that he hoped would make him feel safe and not exposed. To his great relief, it seemed to calm him down a little as he stopped pleading with them not to hurt him. Kaz pulled the blanket over his head the rest of the way to hide.

“Deep breaths, Kaz. You’re perfectly safe here. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. Neither of us are going to hurt you. We will never touch you without your permission. Today was an accident and we’ll both be even more mindful going forward. You have my word that your body is your own. You have control over who touches you or not.”

After a few minutes of listening to Colm’s soft murmurs, Kaz stopped violently shaking. He had no desire to emerge from the comforting darkness from beneath the blanket yet. He was still struggling to gain control over his breathing, and so he kept his attention on Colm and his guidance.

“Keep breathing now. That’s it. Deep, deeper breaths.”

Slowly, more rational thoughts replaced the terror in his mind.

He’s not hitting me or ripping my clothes off. He’s not touching me. He’s trying to help me. It might be a trick. Maybe Jesper is waiting to pin me down and… No. No, he’s not. It’s different now, right? It’s different. They’re not touching me. It was an accident. I freaked out about nothing. What if they’re going to be mad at me for my reaction? What if that’s what makes them beat and hurt me?

“Everything is going to be okay. No damage is done. You’re perfectly safe here. You can sit there for as long as you want. Just keep taking in deep breaths.”

As Kaz managed to regain some control over his whimpering breaths and tears over the next ten minutes, he finally lowered the blanket to find Colm sitting not too far but not too close. Jesper wasn’t in the room at that point which made him feel more at ease as he didn’t want an audience to witness this embarrassment.

Colm didn’t speak yet either which also made Kaz feel better. He didn’t want anything to be said in the moment. He just wanted to go back to bed. He decided to take a chance and ask since nothing awful had happened to him like he had expected. He had to test the water somehow.

“Can I please go to my room?” he asked quietly with soreness in his throat.

“Of course you can. We do need to take care of your cuts first, though.”

That was when it finally registered in his mind that his hands and his feet hurt. He had a gash on both hands from where the glass had broken through the thin material of his gloves. The bottoms of his feet were cut from the glass going through his socks.

“Can you stand up?”

Kaz reluctantly removed the blanket before using the counter as leverage to heave himself to his feet. He took a few steps and realized that he was trailing blood on the floor. His heart skipped a beat, and his stomach sank.

“Oh, no. I…” 

“It’s alright, Kaz. Just sit down here and I’ll get some bandages. I’ll clean all this up.”

“I’m sorry…” Kaz answered with renewing fear.

“Accidents happen. I’ve broken plenty of things in this kitchen. Where do you think Jesper gets his clumsiness from? Certainly, it was not his mother, Saints bless her soul. I’m afraid we fall apart with our clumsiness here without her sometimes. Oh, well. Such is life.”

Before leaving, Colm put a couple paper towels on the table and told Kaz they’re for his face and nose to wipe. He then left and came back with a box full of medical supplies. He pulled up a chair in front of Kaz who eyeballed him with worry after blowing his nose.

“We’ll see how you do with cleaning out and wrapping your wounds. I’ll only help if absolutely necessary. I have gloves, too.”

Hesitantly, Kaz took his socks off and then his gloves. He felt so naked that he wanted to shrink until he was so small he couldn’t be seen. Colm did him the courtesy of not staring beyond assessing the damage he’d done to himself which, thankfully, wasn’t too bad. 

Kaz looked at the bottle of alcohol and the gauze for a while to steel himself for what he knew was about to hurt.

At least I’m doing it to myself.

He made quick work of cleaning the cuts on the bottom of each foot and wrapping bandages around them. He hissed when the alcohol made contact, but he managed to properly care for the wounds much to Colm’s relief. He was only concerned about needing to help him with his right hand as his non dominant left hand fumbled with the bandage a couple of times. Once cleaned and wrapped, he pulled his socks and gloves back on despite the blood and breathed easier.

“Is there anything else you need before you go back upstairs? Something to eat?”

Kaz shook his head. He’d lost his appetite.

“Alright. I’ll have lunch ready at noon. If you’re not down by 12:15, I’ll bring your food up to you. I can put it outside your door if you lock it.  I understand if you want to stay upstairs the rest of the day. You’re more than welcome to come back down, though. Jesper and I will be more careful. I promise.”

“I’m really sorry I broke your glass,” Kaz reminded him in the hope that Colm really did understand that he was remorseful and didn’t mean to behave badly.

Colm’s heart sank further because he could see that Kaz was still afraid of him. There was nothing to be done about it at the moment other than to keep reassuring him that he did nothing wrong. He knew it would take time to build enough trust. There had been progress, and he knew there might be setbacks. This was one of them.

“Don’t worry about it at all. I’ll have it cleaned up quickly enough. Truth be told, I’ve dropped a few of those myself. Go rest now. I’ve got this. I’ll put these bandages upstairs in the bathroom for you to use later, okay?”

Kaz nodded and went back to the sink to grab his cane where he had left it. He was careful not to step on anymore glass as he did so. Finally, he made the painful journey back upstairs, locked his door, and cuddled Crow with his back flush with the wall.

Maybe they are different, Jordie. I wish you were here with me. I hate that you’re not here so much. But then you’d just use yourself to shield me again if they did turn out to be monsters, too. I don’t want that for you. I wish we were home. I want to go home. I miss you. I want our mama and pa. I just want to go home and forget everything.

Overwhelmed and exhausted, Kaz cried himself to sleep wishing desperately to able to go back in time to be with his family.

***

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

Jesper came back to find Colm after Kaz had retreated upstairs. He froze in the doorway with his hands holding the back of his neck. 

“I know, mo leanbh. You can apologize to him later. Now isn’t the best time,” Colm said as he swept the glass up into a dustpan.

“I barely touched him, and I hurt him that badly? I feel awful,” Jesper despaired while slumping down into a chair at the table.

“He’s… He’s still healing from what happened before he came to us. It’s going to take time for his body to fully recover. His mind is in a delicate place because of it. You just scared him more than you actually hurt him.”

That’s when it fully sank in for Jesper. All the pieces had come together. His aversion to touch. Sleeping with his back fully pressed against the wall. Rarely turning his back to anyone and never entering a room first. The way he shrank away every time someone got close to him, or when he might feel cornered. Wincing when he sat down on hard surfaces. The gasps of pain and crying in the bathroom. This reaction from his hand. The way he held his waistband while begging Colm not to take them off or do something to him.

Oh no, that’s not what happened, is it? Oh Saints, Kaz…

“Da, what happened to him? Was he… D-did someone… Did someone rape him?” he asked quietly as he resolved it was best to just ask him directly.

“Jesper…” Colm sighed as he was upset with the harsh reality of the question and the ugliness of the word.

“I’ve noticed some behaviors and I just want to know so I don’t accidentally say or do something that might make him uncomfortable, especially when Wylan is around. It’s obvious he was at least beaten based on his face when he first got here but come on. Do I need to be extra careful? Is there something else I should never do?”

Colm, longing for the days when his son could be innocent and clueless to such cruelties, said, “I’m only telling you this so you’ll understand and be extremely mindful going forward. You are not to ask him for any details or more information. You are not to tell Wylan anything other than what he already knows. This is Kaz’s business. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Da.”

He dumped the glass into the trash, put the broom and pan away, sat down, and said, “To answer your question bluntly so I’m as clear as I can be, yes. He was. Repeatedly for profit. He was beaten and neglected and starved and denied water to damn near death. His leg… they did that to him. It wasn’t an accident.”

“Saints…”

“You’ve noticed the gloves? He doesn’t like touch. At all. Never, ever touch him unless it’s a life-or-death situation.”

“I know that already. Wylan knows not to touch him. You told me that before he even came here, so I told Wylan.”

“That’s fine. Just don’t talk about why. I know you two have grown close since you started dating, but this…”

“I know, Da. It’s Kaz’s story to tell, not mine. But isn’t there something we can do to help him?”

“He’ll need therapy for his touch phobia and processing everything that caused it. A lot of therapy which he has already started. Kaz needs a lot of support from us. All you need to do is be kind to him and give him the space he needs. This is my responsibility, not yours.”

“I want to help, Da. Let me help?”

“As I said, just be kind to him. Show him that you’re not a threat. You can always invite him out to do things but don’t expect him to go. Giving him the choice is what’s important right now. And Jesper, he is quiet and frightened now, but he may lash out in anger someday if he has another episode like this which is probably inevitable. I don’t think he’s dangerous, but…”

“I understand. I don’t blame him for being angry. Why would someone do this to him?”

“The world has some disgusting people in it. He was unfortunate enough to be taken in by one of them.”

“But… Who did this? Not another foster parent?”

“It was. He’s in jail. So is everyone else involved. We’ll have to talk about this more in the future when the trials start. Kaz will likely have to be involved to testify to make sure they go to prison for a long time.”

“They’re going to make him go?”

“Unfortunately, it looks that way.”

“He shouldn’t have to face them again. That’s not fair!”

“I know. I’m going to see what can be done. He’s nowhere near ready to able to go through that.”

“At least like a recording of him answering questions instead of being trapped in a courtroom with those people.”

Colm nodded and said, “I’ll see about that being an option. For his own wellbeing, he should never have to look at those people again.”

Jesper fell silent and just held his head in his hands while leaning on the table. Colm put a hand on his shoulder and said, “He’ll be okay. He’ll get through this. I know this is a lot to take in, and I’m sorry you’ve come to know it.”

“It’s okay, Da. I’m glad I know. I want to help him.”

Colm squeezed his shoulder as acknowledgement. There just weren’t any more words to be said, and so they remained silent while the weight of the morning lingered like the aftermath of a storm.    

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 12

Kaz spent the rest of the day locked in his room. He didn’t open the door for either Colm or Jesper who left plates of food outside for him. Kaz felt it was wasted effort because he even refused to get up and try to eat when his stomach started growling relentlessly by the end of the afternoon. Languishing was the easier and preferred option even if everything in him wanted the opposite.

He only forced himself up to finally go to the bathroom that night for fear of having another accident, but barely anything came out as he hadn’t consumed any liquids since that morning. Instead of leaving the bathroom then, he turned on the shower to make it as hot as he could without wincing when he touched it.

After pulling his clothes off and leaving them in a heap on the floor, he stepped into the water and adjusted to the shock of heat. Then, very carefully, he lowered himself so he could sit and let the water cascade down his back. He so badly wanted it to soothe him and make him feel something other than the misery that was choking him, but it didn’t work. All he could feel was the slick of his own wet skin and the ghosts of cruel hands.

Frantically, he stretched his arm out to grab his soap and rubbed it all over his body without a rag as he couldn’t reach one. Instead, he used his nails, and in his desperate want to rid himself of imagined filth and shame, scratched bleeding ribbons into his skin. The scorching water suddenly hurt as it flowered over his self-inflicted wounds, but he couldn’t bring himself to care as a familiar thought from the morning came back.

At least I’m doing it to myself. I’m the one doing it. Nobody else. Nobody else but me. But… I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want… I don’t…

His chest was tightening, and his eyes stung until he just let his tears fall again. He still tried to stop the sobs, and he rocked himself in the hope that it would help. It didn’t. He gave up and went limp against the cold shower wall and let himself cry without even trying to keep quiet anymore. There was no will or energy left to care.

Unbeknownst to him, just outside of the bathroom door was Colm who leaned against the wall and slid down until he was sitting. He could hear Kaz clearly, and it broke his heart to listen to him. He knew that he needed to stay nearby to make sure he was safe.

It wasn’t long before Jesper joined and sat beside him. Colm patted his knee as acknowledgement because there still were no words he could find to say. Jesper, normally so full of things to say even when nervous, could only lean against his da’s shoulder in search of comfort and with intent to give comfort back. Colm leaned his own head against his as they sat and listened, utterly powerless to help.

Kaz, likewise, felt entirely helpless while also feeling ashamed. He hated himself for crying so much. Crying had been the pathway to more violence in the Rollins house, so he had always tried not to succumb to the need. Any show of emotion meant more pain. There was a point where he’d resist giving in until he was beaten so badly that he couldn’t help but cry, and the punishment for doing so that came made him scream the rest of it out until he fell silent and still.

All of his snark, his wit, his fury, and his grief were all used to fight back against Rollins and the others. Of course, he fought back as much as he could. The not so hushed whispers around him in the hospital from a few impatient and arrogant medical staff implying that he hadn’t along with their own clueless assertions of how they’d react were a level of blissful ignorance that Kaz would never know again – hadn’t known since he was small. Kaz fought with everything he had, but it hadn’t been enough to get him out.

He used his witty tongue to take stabs at Rollins and the others who came to hurt him. Kaz could read them, listen to their talk downstairs, sneak through the house to learn their secrets before anyone realized what he was doing. He would steal from them to get what he needed to survive from a few clothes to food to the leather gloves he’d wear when able just so he could feel protected. He used his patience and clever mind to figure out how to pick the locks to his chains so he could try and escape, but he was always too weak and injured to get far when he found the opportunity. He was always brought back, and all of that snark, wit, fury, and grief was beaten out of him again to just leave him with hollow hopelessness.

After Rollins was sick of being unable to break his spirit fully, Kaz was chained face down on the bed so his hands and feet could never meet. Picking the locks was rendered impossible as was most freedom of movement. He was lucky if he was dragged to the bathroom three times a day. If he soiled himself, he was punished. If he cajoled, yelled, or cried, he was punished. He was refused food most days toward the end. Only given enough water to string him along the edge of life and death unless it was used to torture him.

Kaz knew that the goal was to completely destroy and break him, and it worked. He hated that it worked. There was a point where he thought he could have continued to take the beatings, but the sadistic touches were what did him in. He tried so hard to fight against the worst of it. Every tear that dared to betray how much he hated what was happening to him was met with more violence and more depravity from which he couldn’t hope to hide from. No matter what he did, there was no escape.

The final attempt and what they had done to his leg made sure of it.

He hated himself. He hated the memories of the fists, the belts, the rods, the kicks, the hands pulling at him, the way Rollins let people come in and… He didn’t want to think of it, and Jesper’s hand brought him right back to that place of terror. Colm had knelt and loomed just enough to make him fear that it was happening all over again. He felt sick and raw and exposed and dirty and…

I’m ruined.

Seven years of nothing but hell and terror left him ruined, or so he believed. It had ruined Jordie. Jordie was dead and gone. Ill and dead and taken from him and left alone in Hell all on his own.

Why did you fucking die? Why? Why did you have to die and leave me alone? Why?

“Why? Why…”

He cried harder and banged his head against the shower wall. It didn’t hurt as much as it offered a distraction. There was comfort in the rhythmic bounce off the wall, and it wasn’t hard enough to hurt after the first time.

His stimming continued until the water temperature dropped off, and a chill came over him.

“Get in there!”

“No, stop!”

“You don’t tell me to stop. Get the fuck in there!”

He was pushed into the grimy, tiled shower spraying frigid water onto his nearly emaciated body. The shivering immediately hit him as the shock of the cold wrapped its unwelcome hands around his flesh.

Kaz scrambled to turn the water hotter to remind himself that what had happened was only a memory. It wasn’t real anymore. He had hot water now, and he never had to be in cold water again.  The water was hurting him with how hot it was, but he let it burn him for a minute until he forced the water off with a shaky arm.

The silence left behind was hazy. Everything was except the murky state of life which could hardly be deserving of the title. Kaz didn’t feel alive. Not really. The only thing that made sure he knew he wasn’t dead or just existing passively was the burning across his skin and the now worsened pain throbbing in his leg.

He leaned against the wall and watched the water droplets running down his skin. It wasn’t unlike how he used to watch rain drops race down the windows while riding in a car as a child. Only now he didn’t have his brother to make bets on which would win just to keep him entertained. Now he only had himself, now weakly wrapped in a towel to hide the evidence of dead innocence and shredded body and soul.

A little comfort came as he clothed himself fully again, though it left when he wiped the fog from the mirror and looked at himself again. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen from crying.

This is who I am. That’s my face. That’s all I am.

After that, he shut down his thoughts and slowly made his way back to his room while not looking toward the open bedroom doors of Colm and Jesper. His own door was locked as soon as he shut it. He didn’t want to be anywhere near them just then.    

There was a plate of food left for him with a note reading “eat what you can” left on his desk. He stared down at the offer of crackers, an apple, some nuts, and chocolate. His stomach didn’t actually beg him for any of it. It had fallen silent just as his will to do anything else had. All he did was turn his back on the kindness and returned to his bed.

***

Colm and Jesper looked at the empty third place at the table that had unofficially become Kaz’s. He had given no indication that he had any plans of joining them let alone getting out of bed. His absence was palpable, but Colm knew that absence was likely to happen based on the previous day.

Jesper chewed his nail while watching his spot as if Kaz might just manifest before them like magic.

“Mo leanbh?”

“Yeah?”

There were things Colm wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure how or where to begin. There was a terrible guilt he felt for the previous morning and what Jesper had to witness. He had seen previous foster kids become angry, upset, or panicky, but nothing had ever happened like that. Colm had known that Kaz would likely have some kind of episode but expecting it and witnessing it were different animals entirely. Now that his own son had seen it and would likely see it again, he was wondering if he had made the right choice despite not having an ounce of regret for taking Kaz in.

Aditi, what would you say if you were here now?

“Da?”

Colm found Jesper looking at him expectantly and with a hint of concern. He shook himself back to the present and gave him a small, reassuring smile.

“I, um… I want to check in with you. Ask how you’re feeling today.”

Jesper was bouncing his leg restlessly, but he was sincere when he said, “I’m alright. I’m worried about Kaz, but I’m okay.”

“Do you want to talk about what happened yesterday?”

“Not… Not really. I mean, I do? I just don’t know what there is to say. He had horrible things happen to him, and I reminded him of it. I feel awful.”

Colm leaned forward and reached his hand out. Jesper met him halfway and let him hold onto his fingers.

“Hey, you have nothing to feel bad about. It was an accident. I’m sure Kaz understands that now. He’s just…”

“Scared. I know, and I caused it.”

Colm thought for a moment before asking, “Would you be interested in talking to someone else about it? Because this isn’t the last time this is going to happen. It would be good for you to be able to talk to someone, I think.”

Jesper didn’t answer right away, but he considered the offer. Eventually, he said, “Can I think about it? I don’t know if I want to do that right now.”

“Any particular reason?”

“I don’t want to take away from the care that Kaz needs.”

Squeezing his hand a bit firmer, Colm said, “Hey. Any care you need does not take away from his. You both get anything and everything you need. Do you understand?”

Jesper asked, “What about you? Who do you have to talk to? Talking to Ma is great, but she’s a little quiet on the answers sometimes.”

“I know…”

“I wish she was here. She’d be good with Kaz.”

“Yeah. I wish for that, too.” After a little more thought within the quiet between them, Colm asked, “What if we went together? We could see someone like Kaz sees Genya. It doesn’t have to be every week, but once in a while would be good. We can start that way, and if we think we need it, we can go separately. I want to give you the options.”

Slowly nodding, Jesper said, “We can do that.”

“Alright. Good. Good, that’s settled then. I’ll look into that,” he said after a final squeeze of Jesper’s hand and releasing it so he could lean back into his chair.

“Meanwhile, how do we get him to eat?” Jesper asked.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 13

Genya could tell right away that this was a bad day for Kaz. Colm had emailed her the night before to let her know that he’d had a very bad last few days and had barely come out of his room. He hadn’t elaborated more than that as he was leaving it up to her and Kaz to work through. Colm was being careful not to overstep while still trying to give her any tools he could. Even without the email., she could have zeroed in on how much darker the circles under his eyes were.

“Hello, Kaz. I’m happy to see you here today,” she said with her kind voice.

He was sitting by the door as usual, but he wasn’t as on edge as he typically was. There was a fatigue so heavy on his shoulders that he could barely stand the burden of his usual visible fear and anxiety. She wondered how long it took for Colm to convince him to leave his room to come to the appointment, and she was proud of Kaz for still coming despite whatever it was that put him in this mood. 

“Did you fill out anymore of your list?” she asked.

He minutely shook his head without looking at her, and as he did, a tear from each eye ran down his cheeks.

“I can see that you don’t feel well today. I’m sorry about that. Are you up for sharing what’s wrong?”

He sat in silence, and Genya decided not to push or even ask anything else to try and prompt or encourage him to find his voice. This time, all she said was, “Take all the time you need. Just sit with the feeling and tell me when you’re ready. I’ll just move to my desk for now. You can watch me as I go if that will help you.”

Carefully, while Kaz peeked up to watch her from the corner of his eye, she returned to her computer to do some light work. Kaz remained as he was except for the simple drop of his gaze back to the floor. Every so often another tear would drip onto his lap, and she could see the dark fabric of his jeans deepen to an even darker shade of black the wetter they became.

There was something soothing about the sound of the keys and clicking of her mouse, and so he listened while wondering if he really could tell her what he felt. He hadn’t spoken to Colm or Jesper since his panic attack, and the loneliness from his self-imposed isolation came back in force. It hurt. There was that and the relentless nightmares and fear of what might happen that left him entirely exhausted. That never did bode well for the state of his doom-laden thoughts.

Don’t speak. They’re going to hit you. Don’t make a sound. Don’t look at her or any of them. Keep your head down and they might ignore you. If they hurt you, it will stop soon. Just drift away. Let it go. Don’t speak.

No. I… It’s different, but I still… I want… I…

“… I want…”

The typing paused.

“I want to go home,” he forced himself to say again.

This was not the first time he’d said this, but Genya had a better idea of how to address it.

“Where is home, Kaz?”

With a tiny voice broken apart by his rasp, he said, “It’s gone. They’re all gone. Jordie is gone.”

“Your brother?”

“I want to go home,” he whispered as his head dropped forward and another tear dripped down his nose.

Genya put her hands in her lap and said, “I can’t imagine how much it hurts not being able to be with them.”

“It’s not fair…” he whined.

“No, it’s not. It’s really not.”

Kaz sniffled and tried not to let himself cry too much again. He’d nearly cried himself dry over the last few days, and his head hurt despite the pain meds he took.

Thinking on Colm’s email and Kaz’s current willingness to express as much as he had, she decided to take a chance again.

“Kaz, did something happen this week? Something that made you feel more sad?”

Without looking up, he nodded slightly.

“Can you share with me? Is that alright?” she asked with some hope that he would try.

He hesitated, and he twisted his cane in his hands again.

“Um…” he started before having to draw in a deep breath to ground himself. “I, uh, made a mistake.”

She could barely hear him as he spoke, but she managed. She also waited patiently for him to continue if he was willing, and she was pleasantly surprised when he did.

“Jesper accidentally hit me. I mean… more of a touch. He touched me and… and it hurt. He didn’t mean to, but it hurt, and I got scared and I dropped and broke a glass.”

Genya kept watching and waiting, and Kaz still didn’t look up. He appreciated her just listening and not picking anything apart yet.

Two more tears fell from the surge of fear triggered by the memory as he tried to tell her what happened.

“I… I thought they were going to beat me. I got scared. And then I thought… I thought that they were going to hurt me.”

Genya noticed he said he would be beaten and hurt as if they were two separate things.

“Is it alright to tell me what you mean when you say they were going to hurt you?”

His breathing became a little quicker, but she didn’t try and assure him or push him. She let him decide to move forward on his own and how he would handle that.

“I… I thought Colm was going to take my clothes off.”

“… and then hurt you?” she clarified.

He nodded again and twisted his hands even tighter around his cane.

I need to ask him because I need to be sure. This might be the starting point to begin processing in general but the end point for the day. Either way, it’s a step that he needs to take.

“Do you mean you here? With… ?” she gestured down so he’d understand.

He brought his feet onto the chair to curl up into a ball to make himself small like it might make him untouchable. He abandoned the cane and elected to hug his legs to himself while turning his face away. He kept his ear open to any movements Genya might make and still kept his back turned more toward the wall than the room.

Genya could feel her chest tighten at the sight of his reaction, and seeing how much his right leg trembled from what she assumed was more pain nearly made her ask him to stop.

“But that didn’t happen, right? He didn’t hurt you?” she asked.

“No,” he whined.

“What happened to make you think that Colm was going to do that? What did he do?”

Kaz was weeping, but he wasn’t running out the door like he had been doing for the previous weeks.

“… I-I th-thought… He knelt by me. I… I broke the glass and then I thought… he knelt, and I was cornered. I though he was going to hit me and then fuck me.”

That word and its use made Genya stiffen. After having watched Kaz behave and speak like a frightened little boy for the last month, the vulgarity of it blindsided her.

It’s the language that they used in front of him. It’s all he knows.

After a long wheezing sob, Kaz said, “It hurts, and I hate it and I… I can’t stop dreaming about it and I’m always afraid. I… I don’t want to be inside my body anymore. I hate it and I... I’m scared. I’m always so scared and I’m scared that since I’ve told you that it will happen again because… because everyone used my fear against me.”

It’s what I learned to do to them. Use their words and thoughts and fears against them, but I was too small and stupid to win.

“I can promise you that nothing like that is going to happen to you under my care. And Colm hasn’t really done anything to hurt you in any way, right? Anything at all? It’s safe for you to tell me. I swear.”

Kaz shook his head hard. He then sniffled again and wiped his nose with his sleeve while also trying to wipe away evidence of his tears with his gloved hand.

After thinking for a moment, Genya asked, “Can I teach you a couple terms?”

“Terms?” he asked timidly.

“Words. Words to describe what happened to you so I can know exactly what you mean when you talk about the things that used to happen to you.”

“… I don’t know,” he said while hugging his legs again. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You don’t have to use them right now, but I want you to understand them. Is that okay?”

“… okay.”

“In this context, I do understand the way you were using the words ‘hurt’ and… ‘fuck’. I know it did hurt, but there is a word for that specific action. When someone took your clothes off and touched you against your will, that was sexual assault. When they forced something inside you or if they were able to force you to do that to someone else, that’s called ‘rape’. Have you heard those words before?”

This part of my job never gets easier. I can’t stand that I have to talk to a child about this.

In fact, he had. Hospital staff and the officers of the Stadwatch had used those words. He didn’t really know the differences or real meaning at the time, and he still wasn’t fully sure. It made more sense now that Genya explained, but he didn’t want to talk about it anymore or really allow what she said to settle in his mind. He didn’t like having what happened talked about like that. He didn’t want more labels on it because the labels categorized what happened into real things. He knew well enough at it was all real, and it was enough.

“… Can we stop now?” Kaz asked.

“Of course.”

Genya couldn’t bring herself to feel guilty for being relieved that he’d asked to stop. Everything he’d shared had been far more than she expected. While he didn’t talk about what exactly had happened to him before, he still openly expressed his fears about an experience he’d had during the week. That was more than she dared hope from him, but she did not want him to push himself too much too soon.

He slowly stretched his legs back down to the ground while guiding his right with his hands. He winced and squeezed his eyes shut, but he managed to stand in the end with his cane to help him.

“Kaz, before we go, may I say one more thing?”

He waited without saying anything, so she took that as close to permission as he was willing to express.

“I’m very proud of you for having told me all of those things today. I can see that it was difficult, but you did it. That means something. Before you come back next week, I’d like you to reflect on that and some of the things you said today. Just think about it, and we can talk next time.”

When she went quiet, he glanced up at her a couple times and then nodded sharply before walking back toward the door. Once he slipped through the doorway, she stood up to follow him and greet Colm who was already looking at his watch with the smallest proud smile. She gave him a wave as he stood up to leave, and he returned it while heading toward the door.

This time, Kaz waited longer to follow, and he hesitated before he did. Genya noted the unsteadiness of his gait and wondered how much it had to do with pain and how much it had to do with his reluctance to get near Colm.

She shut her door and returned to her computer to furiously take notes of everything that was said. Detailed logs would need to be kept of all of their sessions to keep accurate track of his progress. Today was huge.

***

Genya walked in the front door and faintly heard the sound of David’s voice call out a greeting. She said nothing as she kicked her shoes off and sat down on the bench by the door. Her nail was securely between her teeth as she chewed it while ruminating on her session with Kaz. Her thoughts were only interrupted when a light hand landed on her shoulder.

She looked up into David’s concerned eyes and said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you call me?”

“I did,” he said while studying her face.

“Sorry. It’s been a day.”

“Your sad patient?” he asked while offering a hand.

She took it and stood while sighing and saying, “There was progress today, but it was… Hard. Really hard.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Not sorry about the progress, but sorry that it was hard for you. And them.”

He led her into the kitchen and guided her to the barstool at the island where he returned to his former spot. A wine glass was waiting there, and he pushed it over with a tiny, jerky flourish that lacked any grace. His little bow which he added at the end made her giggle, and she gratefully took a swig that turned into her draining the glass.

David looked at her wide-eyed and said, “Ah. A very difficult day, indeed.”

“Didn’t mean to make it that obvious,” she said while pushing the glass back.

“Only one more. Don’t overdo it, my gem,” he delicately urged while pouring her another glass.

“I won’t. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You just sit there and relax while I finish dinner. Then, you’ll crawl onto that couch, pick whatever your favorite show of the day is, and I’ll massage your shoulders while trying very hard not to explain every little thing about the science I see.”

That made her belly laugh, and his satisfied smile was just enough to bring a little more warmth into her heart even if her thoughts lingered with Kaz’s wellbeing.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 14

He hadn’t brushed his teeth in four days. He hadn’t showered again since the last time he scratched crimson, bloody stripes into his skin, either. Now, he stood in front of the mirror once more and stared at his itchy, greasy hair that he finally saw after going to the bathroom without his beanie on. He couldn’t bring himself to wash his body, but he could handle the water on his hair.

After brushing away the filthy feeling in his mouth, he turned the water on hot until it was steaming. He watched the water run for a minute before getting some shampoo from the shower. Then he leaned over the sink to carefully stick his head beneath the faucet. The hot water and gentle scrubbing quickly relieved the itch and left him feeling slightly relaxed.

The relief that came with washing away the grease and buildup on his scalp after neglecting it for so long made him appreciate the ability to be clean whenever he wanted now. He knew he should take regular care of his body, but the state of his mind hadn’t been allowing him to. At least now he was given the freedom to decide to act on his own without anyone forcing his hand.

Once his hair was adequately lathered, he moved his head back under the water to rinse. He was nearly finished when a sudden sneeze made his head jerk and hit the hard metal faucet. It hurt, and it sent him reeling backward in a panic. He clutched his head while the water dripped down onto his shirt which made it cling uncomfortable to his body.

“You deserved that, you little shit.”

Need to get away. Need to get out, out, out, away, now…

He clumsily grabbed his cane and made a run for his room. The door nearly slammed with the haste with which he shut it. Breathing hard, he leaned against it and dropped his cane. The throbbing on the top of his head was not allowing him to regain any control of his thoughts or shaky nerves.

Unsteadiness in his knees increased, and he let himself slide down to the floor. He stuck his head between his knees while rubbing the slowly forming bump. The pain was fading, but now the feeling of his wet hair and the cold damp of his clothes came into the foreground of his awareness. He ripped the shirt off his body and throw it from himself, and then he removed his wet pants.

The drips from his hair onto his bare skin made him regret his actions. He awkwardly used his cane to hook his shirt on the curve of his cane to pull it back to him so he could use it to dry his hair. When he was done, he threw the shirt into the hamper and leaned his back against the door.

I’m fine. Nobody hit me. I only bonked my head. It was an accident. I overreacted to nothing again.  I’m okay. I… I need… I need new clothes.

When he was dressed and pulled a fresh beanie over his slightly damp hair, he was finally able to draw in a deep breath to settle his nerves.

“Jesper!”

Kaz jumped from the raised voice of Colm from the hallway. He could hear Jesper stumble in his room and run out shouting, “What?”

“You left the water running in the bathroom again! Mo leanbh, it’s such a waste!”

The water? Oh… Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit…

Kaz could hear that Colm was irritated, and that was enough to send him into another anxiety attack. He pulled down on his beanie to stretch it over his ears and eyes while trying to calm down.

“I did? Crap, I don’t remember. I really don’t.”

“You have to pay closer attention.”

Closet. Get in the closet. Maybe they won’t find me.

As quietly as he could, Kaz opened the closet door and slipped inside. Carefully, he sat down with his cane between his legs and resting on his shoulder. He closed the door and just sat in the darkness while listening to their muffled voices. He couldn’t understand what was being said anymore, but he could still tell that Colm wasn’t as patient as he usually was, and Jesper sounded upset. He hugged his cane closer to himself as if it were Crow.

It… It wasn’t Jesper. It was me. I left the water on. I didn’t mean to. That’s another mistake. Oh no, oh no. I can’t stop messing up. Now Jesper is taking the blame. What’s going to happen to him? Shit, shit, shit. I don’t want him to be blamed for what I did. What do I do? I don’t know what to do…

The voices faded, and he was left alone in an eerie quiet. It was reminiscent of the quiet times before disaster would fall on him back in the Rollins house. Being unable to hear where his enemies were always set him on edge even though he had wanted nothing more than for that quiet to last. Now, he couldn’t hear where either Jesper or Colm went, and it was making him spiral.

What if Colm took him somewhere to beat him? I can’t hear Jesper. Where is he? Is he already injured? What do I do? If I say something, will he just hurt us both? I don’t want that. I don’t want him to hit Jesper, but I don’t want him to hit me either. Is he going to be furious? Hate me? What if… Oh fuck, fuck, fuck. What do I do?

He realized his face was wet with tears again, but his hands were moving toward the closet door to pull it open which was against all of his instincts. However, his mind was giving words to the thoughts of his hands.

I have to go. I have to save him. I can’t let him be hurt because of me.

“ And Colm hasn’t really done anything to hurt you in any way, right? Anything at all?”

But what if now is the time he changes? I need… I need to go.

Crawling out from the closet took every bit of strength in his trembling arms and legs, and they managed to take him to the window where he finally heard voices. Carefully and without showing much of himself, he lifted himself up to the ledge and peeked through the glass to see Jesper pulling weeds in the garden.

Is… Is that all that happened? Or is it just the first thing? He doesn’t look hurt. I should still go. I should be the one doing that, not him. But what if I confess and he attacks me? Shit… But if I don’t and Colm gets angrier with him? That will be my fault. Jesper hasn’t hurt me yet. He’s nice. I need to help him.

After pulling his shoes on and finally tying them after a few tries that had been sabotaged by his shaking hands, he pulled himself up and made the terrifying trek downstairs. After forcing his hand to turn the knob of the front door, he made his way out of the house and toward Jesper who was still ripping weeds out of the ground with obvious frustration. He nearly lost his nerve and ran back to the house, but he kept going while gripping his cane like a lifeline.

Jesper looked up confused when Kaz approached without a word and clumsily lowered himself to the ground. He immediately started weeding which left Jesper speechless for a few moments. Finally, he had sense enough to say something when Kaz leaned forward and winced.

“What are you doing? You’re going to hurt your leg!”

Kaz shook his head and kept pulling weeds. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Jesper who knelt near him. He couldn’t even speak like he had planned. He just wanted to take the punishment before anything worse happened. He believed this might be only the beginning, and he wanted to keep his head down and just get through the day so he could lick his wounds that night.

Jesper, with increasing distress, said, “Hey. It’s okay, really. I messed up and this is my responsibility. I’m sorry if my da scared you when he got mad at me. Everything is fine.”

Kaz paused, his shoulders visibly shuddering. He glanced up at Jesper for a moment before forcing himself to find the courage to say, “It’s my fault.”

“What?”

“I did it. I… I hit my head and I got scared.  I ran back to my room. I didn’t realize I left the water on. I’m really sorry. I’m… Please don’t hurt me. Let me do this? Please, I’ll do a good job.”

Colm came out onto the porch then and saw Kaz kneeling in the dirt with Jesper looking worried. Jesper discreetly beckoned for his da to come to them as he wasn’t sure what to do.

“Nobody will hurt you. I promise. You don’t have to do this. My da and I were going to do this together anyway; it’s just I’m getting more of a head start on it now. You really don’t have to do any of this.”

“But I wasted water…”

“Hey, what’s going on?” Colm asked as he approached.

There was a visible, stronger shudder that shook Kaz’s body when he spoke, and Colm wished that his voice didn’t have that effect on him.

“Kaz just wanted to help. I told him he doesn’t have to.”

Colm sat on the ground in Kaz’s line of sight. He didn’t want to loom over him and make him feel more afraid as he talked to him.

“What else is happening?” Colm asked.

Jesper tried not to tell him. Why? Am I going to get hurt if I don’t tell him? If I do? Is this a test to see if I’ll lie? What’s going to keep me safe?

“Kaz?”

As he nervously picked at the weeds expelling their milky, white emulsion all over his gloves, he took in a shaky breath and confessed again. His lip quivered with every raspy, shaky word that Colm had to concentrate closely on to understand.

“I left the water running. It wasn’t Jesper. I heard… I heard you yell. Please don’t punish him. I-It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

Colm felt guilty for practically shouting at Jesper in the hallway, and he realized that he must have terrified Kaz when he did. Yet, Kaz still came outside to try and help Jesper even when he had so little trust for either of them. He wanted to feel touched that he was courageous despite his fear, but all he felt was sick for having caused part of that fear in the first place. He never wanted to be the reason Kaz had to be brave.

“I’m so sorry if I frightened you before. Why did you leave the water running?” he asked.

Kaz looked ashamed and answered, “I got scared. I hit my head and had a bad memory. I panicked. Ran. I didn’t think. I’m sorry. Sorry.”

“Is your head alright?”

Kaz nodded. It only hurt if he touched it directly.

“I understand. I can’t really fault you for that.”

“I’ll be more careful.”

“I appreciate that. We want to make sure we don’t use water unnecessarily.” He turned to Jesper and said, “I’m sorry I blamed you.”

“It’s okay. It’s not like I haven’t done it before.”

“I shouldn’t let my temper get the better of me. Mistakes happen.”

Kaz went back to pulling more weeds out, and Jesper and Colm exchanged a glance. Every movement caused Kaz to wince as he was on his knees.

Colm stopped him and said, “If you really want to make up for what happened, you can come inside and help me. What I have in mind will be less painful than kneeling on the ground.” Kaz froze, and Colm added, “I’ll go inside now. Come meet me in the kitchen when you’re ready.”

When Colm left the two of them alone, Kaz let out a shuddering breath which made his whole body shake. Jesper put his hand on the ground between them and tapped to get his attention.

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay. You’re not in trouble. Not really. Nothing bad is about to happen if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“How do you know?” Kaz asked.

“Because I know my da. He’d never hurt you in any way.”

Kaz thought about what he said, and then he asked, “He’s never hit you?”

“Never. Not once even when he’s actually been mad at me.”

“But… It might be different with me.”

“I really don’t think that’s the case. Give him a chance. He’s been pretty great so far, right? Go see what he wants you to help with. I’m sure it’s totally fine.”

There was no reason Kaz could think of to avoid going back into the house. Jesper was right. Colm had been pretty great so far. He had bought him everything he’d needed, gave him so much food he was sure he’d never go hungry again, and he was kind and understanding when he’d been scared. There was never a point where he raised cruel words or fists against him.

I’ll… try.

Kaz stood up and brushed the dirt from his knees and resolved to face whatever it was that awaited him. Jesper’s encouraging smile gave him a little more courage to take the first step. And so, he did.

***

When Kaz walked through the threshold of the kitchen, Colm turned to him with a smile and pointed toward a box.

“I got these gloves for you to use. They’re specifically for food preparation. That way you don’t get your regular gloves dirty, and you don’t have to use your bare hands. I’ll step over here while you put them on.”

Kaz watched him walk to the corner of the kitchen to wait for him. Kaz was unsure about following through with what Colm told him to do as it was so different than what he’d ever been asked to do in the past. Before he moved, he looked around the kitchen. Everything was clean and put away except for a loaf of bread, butter, a butter knife and regular knife, tomatoes, and an onion that were on the counter near the box of gloves.

After one final scan around the rest of the room to make sure nothing was hidden and about to jump out at him, he moved to the box. He rested his cane against the counter, grabbed two gloves from the box, and quickly changed into them after stuffing his regular gloves into his pocket.

“Will you be alright if I chop up some vegetables with that knife?” Colm asked while pointing toward the pile of ingredients.

Kaz considered that it was innocent enough and that he’d be okay. He didn’t think Colm was going to try and stab him.

“Okay,” he agreed.

“Great. Now, can you take a seat at the table?”

Confused, Kaz took his usual spot. Colm then gathered the bread, butter, butter knife, and a plate. He slowly placed each item on the table and slid them over so Kaz could reach forward and take them.

“Can you get a bit of butter out on the knife and spread it over the bread, please? Don’t press too hard. Don’t want to smush the bread.”

It didn’t take long for Kaz to get the hang of it and finish the task asked of him, and he soon had an adequate stack. Colm looked up from his onion and tomato chopping with another one of his typical smiles.

“Good work. Oh, hold on. I forgot the cheese. I need to get it from the fridge.”

He slid the cheese across the table then and said, “Put a slice between two pieces of bread, but make sure the side of the bread with the butter is facing out. While you do that, I’m going to put these tomatoes and onion into a blender and then add it to a pot. The blender is going to be loud, but it will only be loud for a few seconds. I already got these tomatoes small enough to make it easy.”

For the next fifteen minutes, Colm continued to instruct Kaz on how to assemble the grilled cheese sandwiches and talked him through the process of making the tomato soup. He even invited Kaz up to the stove to try his hand at flipping the sandwiches over and taught him how to know when they were ready.

With every passing minute, Colm saw Kaz relax just a little more and become interested in what they were doing. He was pretty sure that this was the first time Kaz had ever cooked anything, so he was pleased to see how attentive and curious he was. He was more pleased to see how quickly Kaz “recovered” from his earlier scare. He was by no means entirely relaxed and he was still anxious and cautious of every little thing, but he was able to be there without running away to hide.

Now, let’s just see if I can get him to eat this stuff. He really seemed to like it before.

Jesper announced his presence as he came toward the kitchen, and Kaz backed away from the counter and made his way toward his spot at the table. Colm figured that having two people standing around him in that room only added to the nerves, so he thanked Kaz for his help and assured him he could sit down.

Soon enough, lunch was served, and Kaz finally ate more than a couple bites. Colm wasn’t sure what it was that made him do it, but he wasn’t about to question it. He was just going to take the win and revel in the fact that Kaz was there with them again. He made sure Kaz knew it in his own way without overwhelming him, and Jesper did the same.

He didn’t come back down for dinner, but progress was made. That’s what Colm held onto. He had to.

***

It was nearly midnight, and Colm could not fall asleep. He needed to be up in another five hours, but his mind kept turning and twisting from thought to worried thought. He’d switch on his phone and scroll for a while to try and bore himself to sleep, but it didn’t work.

He shut down his apps and was taken to his screensaver.

Aditi.

He stared at her lovely, bold expression and felt a pang of desperate sadness.

“Oh, my love. What would you say if you were here? How would you help him? I’m trying. I’m trying so hard, but I feel like I’m failing even if he makes improvements. I’m just so afraid I’m going to mess him up more. I made a mistake and scared him today. I feel awful.”

He sighed, kissed his fingers, and then placed them on her face.

“You’d be so proud of your son and how good he is with Kaz. He always was the best of you, you know? I wish you were here, though. So badly. You would know what to do. You always did. Maybe if you’re not too busy, you can visit my dreams and tell me. I love you. I miss you so much.”

Sleep finally came after he stared at her face for a while longer, longing for her arms around him slipping away once more as a dream known to be impossible.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 15

Kaz still barely came down the stairs since he helped Colm make lunch, but he made an effort to try once in either the morning or the afternoon. Jesper was always happy to see him, and he made a point of directing some conversation toward him even if he never got a response beyond a few nods or shakes of his head and a rare couple of words if he was brave enough.

Unfortunately, not much progress was made with Genya that week. Kaz had gone, but he didn’t say anything. Genya allowed him to sit in silence after asking him a few questions, but he never answered. He did, however, stay for the entire forty-five minute session. Genya had to let him know that his appointment was over for the day and thanked him for coming. He didn’t look at her as he left, but he didn’t turn his back yet, either.

Colm seemed pleasantly surprised to see that he had stayed, but he could tell with the look Genya gave him that he hadn’t had a good time. He could also see that it wasn’t necessarily bad, but he imagined it was more of the same quiet behavior he’d seen during the last week.

The day after his appointment, Kaz didn’t come downstairs in the morning. Jesper kept staring at the entryway to the kitchen, and the more time passed, the more disappointed he seemed. He tried not to let it show as he resorted to more boisterous chatter and sending Wylan voice memos through text in order to plan an outing. It had been a while since their last adventure, and Colm was sure he was anxious to get out for a while.

The two of them left a couple hours later, and Colm was left standing alone on the porch to see them off. When he returned inside, the quiet was stifling. His eyes wandered up the stairs toward the boy who had locked himself away.

That afternoon, Colm brought a sandwich up for Kaz as he still hadn’t made an appearance. When too much time had passed and he didn’t come for lunch, Colm resorted to his usual routine of bringing him food. At that point, he wondered if he was enabling Kaz’s isolation, but he made progress before and he could do it again. Something was different now, so Colm was left feeling like a ship without a sail in a storm where the winds would change without warning or clear predictable directions.

The door was unlocked, and so Colm knocked and warned that he was there. He asked permission to enter, but he got no answer. He could, however, hear the shuffling of cards. Pushing the door open allowed the sound to amplify into the hallway.

“Hey, Kaz. Brought you some lunch.”

Kaz was slouched at his desk with the deck of cards in his hands. He was lazily shuffling them, hands nearly lifeless yet somehow holding on to the shreds of control needed to mix them between graceless fingers.

This won’t do. I need to try something different.

Colm watched him as he put the plate down on his nightstand. Kaz didn’t seem to mind as he hadn’t reacted. He only continued to shuffle the cards as if it was the only thing he could do.

Ah.

“Kaz, do you know how to play solitaire?”

He finally paused to glance at Colm, and he shook his head to show that he didn’t. He’d actually never heard of it.

“It’s a game you can play on your own. Can I show you?”

Kaz’s shoulders stiffened, and Colm was almost sure he was going to decline the offer. He could see the wheels spinning rapidly in his head to determine whether or not he would or should. There was a clear curiosity in his eyes whenever he did look over at Colm as if to assess a threat level.

After what seemed like an eternity, Kaz finally whispered, “Okay.”

Trying hard not to reveal too much unbridled excitement, Colm asked, “Do you want me to show you on the floor? We can sit across from each other that way. You can eat your sandwich while I show you what to do and explain the rules. Only if it won’t hurt you to get down there. I’m just trying to think of where we can have enough space between us so I can show everything clearly.”

“Floor is fine,” Kaz mumbled while looking around with the card deck still in his hand.

Kaz took a spot against his bed to protect his back and allow Colm to sit across from him by the dresser. Colm took the hint and grabbed his plate while sitting down without any sudden movements. The two exchanged an unsure look as to how to proceed for a moment. Colm went ahead and broke the unintentional standoff and placed the plate between them. Kaz, in turn, leaned forward and placed the cards down while taking the plate into his lap.

For the next ten minutes, Kaz slowly ate while watching the way Colm shuffled and set up the cards into the proper formation. As Colm showed him what to do, he kept track of which card was in which place and was able to strategize about where he might move cards to other decks in the most efficient way possible. He could think several moves ahead, and he almost told Colm not to do certain things because there was a better choice. He let it go though and kept watching with interest.

When it was his turn, he would sometimes cycle through a few times with careful focus and know exactly what to do. He won more often than not, and Colm watched with rapt attention. He was a little surprised when Kaz stopped in the middle of one game and reshuffled the cards.

“What happened?” he asked.

Kaz, as if it was obvious, furrowed his brows at Colm and said, “It wasn’t a winnable game.”

“How did you know?”

“I kept track of the cards in the deck and the probability of what might be in the remaining piles.”

“You kept track?”

“Yeah. I remembered the order and knew the next order they’d be in when I cycled through them again.”

Colm thought for a moment and said, “Even if that’s true, shouldn’t you see it through to the end?”

Confused, Kaz asked, “Why?”

“You might think it’s not possible, but shouldn’t you test it? Maybe it’s just improbable.”

“Improbable?” he asked.

“Not likely, but still possible. You can’t see through the cards even if you can keep track of the known ones. You never know. You might find a surprise.”

After a few moments of thought, Kaz nodded and laid the cards out again. He won again and again which made Colm a bit speechless.

He has a natural talent for memorization and numbers. This is… kind of incredible.

A while later, Kaz came across a game that he would have aborted before, but he decided to go through with it. He nearly proved himself right, but there was one surprise left between a dwindling couple of piles where he wasn’t sure what the outcome might be. He played it to the end, and he won.

Colm, smiling, said, “See? Just improbable. Even when it seems like it won’t work, it might be worth it to try.”

Kaz thought again, and then he asked, “But if I know for sure it’s pointless?”

Colm wasn’t sure if he was talking about the card game then based on how he was looking down at his pants and picking at piece of lint.

“Then, perhaps we try a different game. Change it up.”

“Change the game?”

“If we can. Sometimes, it’s okay to try a different approach. You never know what the results might be, a chuilein. Be cautious, but not so cautious as to not take risks.”

Kaz looked thoughtful as he listened, and Colm was sure he was trying to morph all of his words into some kind of conclusion. Whatever it ended up being, he hoped it would help Kaz feel safer and willing to come back out of his shell.

“Did you like the game?” Colm asked.

“… Yeah.”

“Now you can do something when you’re up here on your own and you want to play with those. There’s a lot of games you can play on your own, actually. I can teach you more if you’d like. Whenever you’re ready.”

“… Okay.”

They had been together for an hour at that point, and Kaz looked much less sad than he had when Colm first came to his room. Colm wondered how lonely he must have been feeling.

“If you’re ever up for it, I can teach you how to play some two-person games as well. Or three. We actually have a lot of games here if you’re ever interested. You’re welcome to ask me any time.” When Kaz didn’t respond, Colm pulled himself up to his feet, took an immediate step back, and said, “Maybe we’ll see you tonight? I’m going to run down to the shops to get things make lasagna. Not sure if you’ve ever had it, but it’s pretty good.”

A bit of hesitation passed over Kaz then, but he managed to look up at Colm and said, “I’ll try.”

***

While gathering everything he needed for that night’s dinner into his shopping cart, Colm reflected on his time with Kaz. He was surprised that he had been so open to playing, but that told him that he was likely craving attention that he didn’t know how to ask for. That, or he was still too frightened to try.

There must be something else I can do. I know that today was alright, but I doubt he’s going to come back down again. He’s been trying, but the poor thing is still struggling so much.

As he was placing the boxes of pasta in his cart before needing to head to the cashier, his phone started to ring. It startled him out of his thoughts, and he nearly dropped it when he pulled it from his pocket. He didn’t recognize the number, so he assumed it was for business.

“Good afternoon and thank you for calling Fahey Farms, this is Colm speaking. How may I help you?”

A surprised and confused voice said, “Oh! Oh, I’m so sorry. I think I called the wrong number. Let me see… Yep. I did. I had one number off. I’m so sorry to bother you!”

“Not at all. Have a wonderful day, ma’am.”

“You, too.”

As soon as he hung up the phone, Aditi’s face greeted him as it always did, and he mentally told her, “I love you” before putting the phone back.

That’s when he looked up, and it was like lightning struck. A man with a dog wearing a service vest walked in front of him and turned down another aisle. He would have missed them had it not been for that phone call.

Colm casually followed them into the next aisle even though he didn’t need anything else. He pretended to shop still while eyeing them as inconspicuously as possible.

The dog stood behind the man’s back as he perused the options of cereal boxes. She looked around and focused on Colm who was the only other person in the aisle. When the man moved again, she perked up and followed him to his next destination.

Is this you telling me to change the game, Aditi?

He’d never hurried to the check stand so fast.

***

Once home, Colm put the groceries away and then shut himself into his office. He pulled out a notebook on the off chance he’d need it and searched his contacts. He hit dial and prayed that she’d answer, and he nearly sang praises to the Saints when she did.

“Mr. Fahey? Hello!”

“Hey, Dr. Kostyk! Sorry to call you like this on the weekend.”

“It’s not a problem at all. Is everything alright with Kaz?”

“Yes, I just had a bit of an epiphany and wanted to ask your opinion on something. If you think it’s a good idea, I wanted to get the ball rolling.”

“Alright.”

“I have a friend who is close to someone who trains service dogs. Do you think that would be a good option for him?”

Colm could hear Genya’s excitement when she said, “I actually think that might be a wonderful idea. It’s something to look into, absolutely.”

He sighed and tension he hadn’t realized he was holding melted away.

“That’s fantastic. It’s just that he needs some way to have affection and to help him feel safer. He seems to really like animals, so I just thought it was worth a try. I’ll go ahead and give her a call. Just don’t mention this to Kaz yet. I don’t want to get his hopes up if it can’t happen.”

“I think that’s a wise idea. Keep me updated?”

“Sure thing. I’ll see you later this week.”

“Yes. Have a good night.”

“You, too.

Within seconds of hanging up, he made his second phone call. Unfortunately, it went directly to voicemail.

“Hello, you’ve reached Alina. I am out of town on a wilderness hike with some friends, so my reception will be spotty at best. I’ll get back to you as soon as I am able to. If there is an emergency, please contact Mal…”

Oh, shit. I remember she mentioned this trip to me. I completely forgot. I’ll just leave her a message then.

After the beep, he drew in a breath and said, “Hi, Alina! It’s Colm. Can you give me a call back as soon as you’re able to once you’re home? I have a question about that friend of yours who trains service dogs. Talk to you soon. Thanks!”

And now we wait.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 16

While lying on his back and staring at the ceiling, his fingers ran through his hair from scalp to tip. He brushed through and pulled it up over and over again to let the strands flutter back down. When his arm got tired, it lowered mindlessly causing him to venture into a different section of hair only to pull that piece up and feel how much shorter it was in comparison. His other hand rose and pulled the longer piece up next to it. It was longer by at least an inch and a half and highlighted just how uneven everything was.

A memory of rough hands pulling up on his hair to saw through it with dull scissors tried to crawl into his thoughts, so he let go of the strands. Then, his hands slowly dropped to his face, and he felt the thickening stubble growing in along his jaw. It had been two weeks since he’d last shaved. He sighed when he thought about what he must have looked like, and he didn’t like it. Looking at his face in the mirror was already hard enough. He hadn’t felt familiar in years, but now it was worse.

He wandered into the bathroom and turned on the light. He turned his face so he could see it from every angle.

Still don’t know who you are. You still look like a target.  

He pulled his electric razor out of the drawer and went to work on his face until he was satisfied. A hand running along his jaw and chin determined that his skin was smooth enough without having to worry about fully shaving with a razorblade and cream. He had to save his energy for his next project.

I can be careful. I won’t pull on it and I’ll be okay, I think.

Looking at his hair once more and examining the lengths of all sections, he knew that he needed more than his razor. He needed scissors.

Now what? I guess I can just leave it. I don’t want to, though. Where would they keep scissors? What if… What if I just ask? That might be safer than looking for them. They might be happy if I ask.  I’ll try.

He opened the bathroom door and peeked toward Jesper’s room. His door was open, and he could hear him moving something around. Kaz knocked on the doorframe while keeping himself mostly out of sight. Jesper, holding a pile of papers he seemed to be organizing, turned toward the door. He was confused until he caught sight of Kaz’s face peeking around.

With a grin, he asked, “Hey, what’s up?”

Suddenly nervous, Kaz nearly turned to abort his plan and retreat to his room. Fighting that urge and the sudden sick feeling in his stomach, he managed to stutter through his request.

“Um… d-do you have…” He took in a breath and tried to calm himself. “Do you have sc-scissors?”

Taken aback, Jesper looked around and answered, “Uh, yeah. Yes, I should. One second…” He turned to rummage in the drawers of his desk until he found a pair. “I’ll just, um, here. I’ll put them right here…”

Jesper took a few steps toward the door and placed the scissors on the floor and then immediately moved backwards and sat down. Kaz was unsure about going to get them, but it was better than having them handed to him directly. He couldn’t bring himself to do that as the fear of being grabbed was still too strong.

He found his courage and retrieved the scissors from the floor and backed away with a nod of thanks. Jesper waved without a word despite having upwards of a thousand questions about what Kaz could possibly need scissors for.

After one last examination, Kaz carefully and methodically switched between the scissors and razor to even out his hair. Several passes and breaks for his tired arms later, his hair went from uneven and patchy to looking like a real style. It ended up shortened all around his head except of the top where he left the strands longer. He was able to run his hands through it still, and he had the option to let the hair hang across his forehead or smooth it back if he chose to. He knew he’d likely have it hidden in a beanie most of the time, but it felt good to look at it and see a typical haircut as opposed to the hack job forced upon him.

Having the top part of it left with length made him a little nervous as it could still be grabbed and yanked, but he didn’t want to give in to the urge to just buzz everything off. He liked his hair the way it was now, and he was determined to not let his fear take it away from him.

I’ll be alright.

With the intention to give Jesper his scissors back, he went straight for his room after cleaning up and peeked inside. He wasn’t there, so Kaz placed them on his desk before returning to his room. Before he made it, Jesper was coming back up the stairs.

“Hi, Kaz. Woah…” Jesper said with his mouth agape when he saw Kaz turn. “Did you really do that with those scissors?”

Kaz ran a hand through his hair self-consciously and said, “Yeah, and… and my razor,” so quietly that Jesper nearly didn’t hear him.

“That looks so nice. You really did that all by yourself?”

Feeling a bit better from the compliment, Kaz nodded.

“Damn. Great job. You have a really good eye.”

Not sensing any dishonesty in his tone or eyes, Kaz whispered “thanks” before retreating to his room. Jesper waved and moved on to his own. While Kaz took the opportunity to get back into bed to rest again, Jesper may or may not have done a little dance after their recent interaction. He most certainly wouldn’t admit to it should anyone ask.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 17

There were only so many times Kaz could play solitaire without wanting to scream from monotony. He’d read every book he’d been given at least twice which he didn’t mind, but he needed something else to do. He was getting bored and restless, and that made him fear that he was taking the peace he’d been given for granted.

Any of this could come to a stop at any moment and then you’ll be begging to play that game again.

Crow found his way airborne over and over again as Kaz tossed him up and down while lying on his bed. It was at least somewhat decent exercise for his arms. He imagined what might happen if the ceiling above him split open and Crow flew out into the vast skies.

Would he come back to me?

When his arms tired, he held Crow to him and curled up into a ball beneath the blankets to try and sleep the afternoon away. That didn’t last long. When his legs got too cramped, he’d stretch out for a while just to try again on his other side. Having his back to the room didn’t sit well with him at all still, so he tried his back again. Laying on his stomach was one position he refused to ever try as the very thought brought back terrible memories. No matter how much he changed or thrashed around in search of comfort, he could not find it. Giving up, he threw the blankets off and stared at the ceiling again.  

He knew that he could ask Colm to show him another game. Asking Jesper for the scissors the day before had gone over well, and Colm did offer to show him whenever he wanted. He figured it couldn’t hurt and he’d have something to do until he could get his hands on more books.

They want me to come downstairs more. I could try. Things have been okay just like Genya and Nadia said.  Nothing bad has happened. Colm hasn’t done anything to try and hurt me. He hasn’t hit me or ra… None of it. I’m okay.

Breathing deeply and methodically as he made his way toward the door, he kept Genya’s words in mind. She wanted him to reflect on the things he had said to her, but he hadn’t wanted to. He was absolutely miserable afterwards and the last thing he wanted to do was think more about any of it. He’d told her what had happened that week and it was enough to him. Thinking on it anymore just made him more upset and scared, so he suppressed it so much he couldn’t even bring himself to speak at the next appointment.

He felt a little guilty for his silence, and he feared what might happen if he didn’t speak. When neither Genya nor Colm became angry with him for it, he felt a little more at ease. He was starting to really understand that Genya was there to help him even if he didn’t like what she was asking him to do. He made a mental promise to at least try a little more, but there would be limitations. At least she understood that.

When he went downstairs, he found a visibly exhausted Colm in the living room looking at a spread of invoices with frustration knit into his brow. The sight of it combined with the rough slam of his hand moving papers aside on the table made all the courage leave Kaz’s heart and the blood drain from his face. He took a step back and his cane tapped the wooden stairs which made Colm look up.

Instantly noting the look of fear on Kaz’s face, he asked, “What’s wrong? What happened?”

Kaz’s throat felt like it closed. He couldn’t find words again, and he couldn’t even move his feet to step away. He was getting lightheaded and dizzy, and he stumbled back against the stairs and nearly fell.

Rising slowly, Colm urged, “Kaz? Take a deep breath for me?”

He was barely able to take in the shallow breaths that managed to enter his lungs, so Colm’s request sounded impossible.

“It’s okay, Kaz. You’re okay. Breathe as deeply as you can through your nose and out of your mouth. Try. You can do it.”

After a few attempts, Kaz was finally able to force himself to comply. The tensity in his shoulders slowly loosened which left him feeling a residual ache of pain.

“Come sit down? Rest here. Come on,” Colm encouraged while beckoning him to the recliner.

Reasoning that Colm was being kind to him, Kaz convinced himself to go where he was wanted. It was the least he could do to try and ensure Colm’s continued kindness, so he sat and kept his eyes down as he usually did.

“Would you like to talk about something?” Colm asked.

Kaz looked up at him a few times before saying, “N-no.”

“That’s okay. I’m just working on some stuff right now, but you can let me know if you need anything.”

Colm returned to the papers spread across the table and went through them line by line while using the tip of his pencil as a place holder for each point. Every so often he would mutter under his breath wondering where something was followed by a frustrated sigh.

The first sigh drew Kaz’s attention up to see what it was that was causing Colm’s annoyance. He could see that there were lines and lines of numbers and words scribbled across the sheets. Not all of them seemed legible and caused Colm to pause and mull over what was actually written.

I’m okay. He’s just looking at something. He’s not angry. I’m okay.

A few minutes later, Colm dropped the pencil for a moment so he could stretch out his back with a groan. Before he picked the pencil back up, he settled into a hunched position out of habit while noticing that Kaz was watching him.

“I think one of my employees or a few of them made some mistakes on these invoices for this week. They need to be accurate for the customer before they end up with any surprise charges. They aren’t matching up with current costs and I don’t know what they hell they did. I need to find the discrepancy, but it feels impossible.”

Kaz eyed him and then looked at the sheets again from where he sat. His instincts for survival strategy began spinning through his mind which, if he’d thought more about it, went against the assurances of Nadia and Genya that he tried to remember. He still went with instinct.

If I find the mistakes, maybe he’ll like me more and he’ll see that I’m trying to be good for him. He can ask me for help again later. If he wants it to be accurate, then he can’t hurt my head or starve me, or I won’t be able to concentrate. This could keep me safe.

“Can I try?” he asked with a timid voice.

Colm paused and thought about Kaz’s request. It left him surprised, but he didn’t see the harm in trying even though he had a hard time imagining Kaz had the right math skills. Still, he had seen that Kaz had a talent for numbers, and even if it had been with a card game, he figured it would be worth a try. Kaz was sitting with him downstairs and making a clear request. He wouldn’t deny him. He already had the copies scanned just in case further mistakes were made when trying to find and fix the originals. Besides, numbers weren’t Colm’s strong suit, and he could use a break.

“Sure. Have at it. If you find it, you’re a miracle worker. Do you understand percentages and decimals in math?”

Kaz nodded as he had learned about it through the homeschooling he was once allowed to do, and he had understood it enough when he had learned years ago. He was sure he could still know how to use them or at least remember along the way. He wanted to try.

“Alright, then. This is the total I need everything to come out to…” he said while scribbling on a piece of paper. “… and this is the pricing and tax rate for each product here on this sheet. If this ends up being too confusing, don’t worry about it. You can move over here if it’s easier for you. I’m going to take the opportunity to go out for a while and check on some of the fields and some sprouts in the greenhouse.”  

***

It’s way too damn hot out here right now.

Colm wiped away the sweat that didn’t cease to form on his pale forehead that was not made for this level of intense sunlight. It was days like this that made him regret having left the Wandering Isle, but only a little. He wouldn’t trade his life for anything even if he would rather sink himself into frigid Fjerdan waters than spend another minute out in that blazing sun with his clipboard with data he couldn’t bring himself to care much about.

When the phone rang, he had the urge to throw it into the distance until he saw the name that came up. He immediately retreated to find the nearest shade while answering.

“Alina!”

“Colm! How are you doing?! It’s been a minute.”

While leaning against a tree and dropping his clipboard onto the ground, he remorsefully said, “Yes, I’m sorry about that. I’ve had my hands full.”

“Your new placement? I hope everything is alight.”

“Well, yes and no. That’s why I called you, actually.”

“Right, about the service dogs?”

“Yes. I was hoping I could talk that friend of yours or maybe you can put in a good word for me? It might make getting a match easier. I don’t mean to try and cheat the system or anything, but the situation here is a bit tricky.”

After a beat, Alina asked, “So, the dog would be for your foster kid?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m probably not making much sense.”

“No, you’re fine. I’m just surprised. Can you tell me a bit about what’s going on?”

Colm wiped more sweat from his forehead with a handkerchief and explained, “I talked to his therapist, and we agreed that getting him a service dog is a good idea. He has severe PTSD and something called haphephobia. He can’t handle the touch of another person, so we thought an animal would be helpful in making him feel safe.  He could have something living to touch and get affection from. I’m just not sure how all of this works.”

“He honestly sounds like the perfect candidate. I can absolutely put you in touch.”

“Thanks.”

Colm fell quiet then and prayed that this plan would work. He wasn’t sure how he’d take the disappointment himself if it didn’t pan out as he hoped.

Alina, concern laced in her words, asked, “How are you holding up?”

With some hesitation that he didn’t intend, Colm answered, “I’m… I’m okay.”

Not buying it for a single instant, she said, “And how are you really?”

Colm chucked softly and said, “I’m tired and constantly worried about him. I just want him to know that he’s safe. He’s terrified that I’m going to kill him or worse.” He paused as he realized he was being more blunt than he intended, but he already started so he figured he may as well finish. “He’s just so hurt, and I can’t do anything to make it stop. I feel helpless.”

Colm covered his eyes with his hand to try and will his tears away, but it didn’t work. A few tears still escaped, and he roughly wiped them away and nearly gave in to the urge to be apologetic for unloading like that. Alina spoke before he could.

“Knowing you, you’re doing everything you can. I know that’s hardly consolation, but I hope it means something coming from me.”

Knowing that Alina has had her own share of tough situations with her own fosters, he could say with certainty, “It does.”

“Can you tell me about him?” she asked.

Colm thought about what he could say without breaching too much of Kaz’s privacy. There weren’t a lot of details he would be willing to give out even if Kaz told him he could. It hurt too much to talk about which made him think about how hard it was for Kaz to live through it. Colm knew the two didn’t compare, but he couldn’t stand thinking about how much he suffered.

“He… He endured so much abuse of every kind imaginable. It’s why he can’t handle touch. He's just so afraid. But... he's such a sweet kid. Extremely sharp and observant, but I guess he would have to be. He's still so smart. Voracious reader. Maybe it's to escape but he loves it. Doesn't leave his room too much. He's disabled. Needs to walk with a cane. He can’t have his back to anyone. He can’t even take something from another person’s hands. He flinches at any loud noise, and he thinks we’re going to hurt him all the time.”

“Oh Saints, Colm…”

“I know. That’s why I think a dog would be good for him. I really do.”

“Just knowing that makes me agree. I’ll talk to my friend and put you two in touch afterwards. I really think she can come through with this. It might take a little while, but she’ll make it happen.”

“I can’t thank you enough.”

“No need. I’d love to help in any way I can. I’ll be in touch as soon as I have information.”

“Okay.”

“Alright, let me get on that now. Talk to you soon.”

“I know you said not to, but I’ll say thanks again.”

She laughed and said, “You’re welcome. Bye for now.”

“Bye.”

One step closer. I should go check on him now.

***

Kaz had just put all of the invoices back in order when Colm walked up on the porch. He moved from the couch back to the recliner to give Colm his spot back and so he’d be able to face him.

I hope he’ll think I did a good job.

As the door opened, Kaz braced himself for what Colm might think of his work. He was a little nervous when he saw that Colm looking at the table with curiosity after greeting him.

“Too much, right?” Colm asked with a bit of a laugh.

“I finished it,” Kaz corrected.

Colm stopped in his tracks for a moment and stared at Kaz with a bit of natural doubt, so he clarified, “You mean you’re done trying? Or you actually found the error?”

Kaz dropped his eyes to the floor and said, “I found a few errors. I fixed everything. I circled where I found them and then fixed them.”

Colm went to sit on the couch and looked through the corrections and, just as he said, everything checked out.  

“How the hell?”

Quietly, Kaz explained, “Whoever filled those out didn't calculate the unit price correctly between two similarly named products which threw all the rows off. They also did the tax rate part wrong.”

Colm stared at him while entirely speechless, and Kaz shifted uncomfortably.

“Did… D-did I do something wrong?” Kaz asked with a visible tremble taking hold of him.

“No, not at all. I’m sorry, I… How did you do this? It’s amazing,” Colm said while looking back through the papers.

“Really?” Kaz asked while sounding a little hopeful.

“Absolutely. You really have a good eye and a mind for numbers. I’m really impressed. I was already puzzling over that for too long, so this is… Wow. This was such a big help. Thank you.”

With just the smallest urge to preen, Kaz softly remarked, “I like puzzles.”

“I'll keep that in mind,” Colm said with a smile.

Colm’s phone rang, and he jumped a little. He pulled it out hastily while hoping to see that Alina was already calling him back. Kaz watched him curiously as his face went from excited to slightly confused.

“I need to take this,” he said while gathering the papers. “Thank you for this, Kaz. I really appreciate it.”

Kaz hoped he meant every word as they sounded like a promise of safety. He’d done well.

***

“Nadia?”

“Hello, Colm,” she said unhappily.

“I don’t like the sound of that,” he said while sitting at his desk and tossing the papers onto the surface.

“You’re not going to like this, and neither is Kaz.”

“… What?”

“It’s not necessarily bad, but he won’t be happy. He needs to have a follow up doctor appointment for an examination. It’s court ordered.”

With a deep sigh, Colm simply said, “Shit. I knew this was coming, but shit.”

“Yeah, I know. I hope you don’t mind, but I already found a good doctor who will work with him. I’m trying to make this as easy as possible for both of you. I’ve already explained the situation and she has agreed to set aside a three- hour block just for him. The idea is that it will be plenty of time for him to do the things that need to be done. She’s agreed that she won’t touch him at all. Just look.”

“Alright. When?”

“Would you be able to make Friday at noon work?”

“Yeah, I can do that. That’s fine. I’ll, um…” he sighed again while sitting back and letting his head fall over the back of the chair so he could stare at the ceiling. “I’ll talk to Genya. We’ll talk to him together. His next appointment is Tuesday.”

“That’s a good idea. I am sorry about this.”

“It’s not your fault. I know he needs to have this done just in case as it is. That, and someone can take a look at his leg again. It’s all for the best even if he won’t understand at first.”

“Call me if you need any help with this, alright?”

“Sure will. Thanks, Nadia.”

“Yeah. Talk to you soon. I’ll email you the details.”

“Sure thing. Bye now.”

“Bye.”

He ended the call and tossed his phone onto the desk, though he didn’t move from his vigil of the ceiling and wondered what would happen if the ground beneath him cracked open and swallowed him whole.

Aditi, if you have any ideas for this one, I’d love to hear them.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 18

On Sunday night, two days before Kaz’s next appointment with Genya, Jesper and Colm went to watch Wylan’s performance with his orchestra. Jesper promised Kaz that he would record it and show him later if he wanted to see. Kaz only nodded and watched from the chair as the two filed out the front door to leave him on his own at night for the first time, though he noted the lingering gaze Colm had before he shut the door.

Jesper had worried about leaving him alone and wished that there was some way to convince him to come with them. Colm told him it was far too soon for him to try going out to a place like that, though he felt the same way. The entire week ahead of them was making him unsettled and wishing that Kaz could join them. If he was able to then it would have been another good memory for him to think on.

If he could go to a concert, then I wouldn’t even have to worry about his upcoming appointments in the first place. I know it’s not that simple even if he could. He’ll likely have this fear for years…

“Da, you alright?”

“Hmm?” Colm looked to Jesper as they sat in the car, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Oh, yes. Sorry, just have some stuff on my mind.”

“Like what? Is it Kaz?”

After a few moments of hesitation, Colm said, “I should give you a heads-up. He’s going to have a hard time this week, but he won’t know until Tuesday.”

Jesper, looked at him strangely and asked, “Why?”

“He has to go in for a doctor’s appointment on Friday. Genya and I will be talking to him about it together.”

“Why is that a… Oh. Oh, right. Yeah, that would be scary.”

Noticing Jesper looked nervous and sad, Colm patted him on his knee and said, “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to ruin the evening and make you worry. He’s going to be fine. He really will be. Just be extra kind to him this week.”

“Of course, Da.”

“Now,” he started while buckling his seatbelt. “Let’s go support that lovely boyfriend of yours and watch him dominate that solo.”

“Yes!!”

***

Once alone, Kaz felt strange and out of place. There was always the choice to go back upstairs to his room, but he’d been making more of an effort to be a presence downstairs. He saw that it pleased both Jesper and Colm even if they didn’t say so explicitly, so he tried to find a place in the home without being stuck in his room.

Now that there were no eyes on him or the potential for anyone to sneak up on him, he wondered if he could have a better look around. He still hadn’t done so as he had always gone directly from his room to the bathroom, his chair in the kitchen, the recliner in the living room, or the porch. He’d looked around a little from his designated perches, but never in depth.

Tentatively, he stood up from the chair and moved to the slightly dusty bookcases. Every title on the shelf was well loved as evidenced by the creases in the spines. Kaz pulled a few out to read the synopses and knew Colm wouldn’t mind if he took a few up to his room to read later. He was particularly drawn to another mystery book and a book about poetry that piqued his interest. He leafed through the latter and wasn’t quite sure what to make of the content, so investigating further seemed like an enjoyable activity later.

One book that caught his attention was an older one toward the bottom. He placed the ones he currently held down and carefully pulled it out. There were cards pictured on the front and the title was “Magic for Beginners”, though he couldn’t actually read the title as it was in Kaelish. Cracking it open made him slightly nervous as the book had seen better days, but it held together while he searched through the pages and saw step by step guides on how to do some basic card tricks. He didn’t hesitate to add the book to his pile.

Around the books were several knickknacks and decorations that the family had collected over the years. There were a few decorative masks from Novyi Zem which made Kaz wonder about their authenticity. There were also rocks of every kind, some more common while others more akin to gemstones collected from tourist shops. Some feathers and random bones made appearances on a few shelves, and Kaz figured Jesper must have added those while growing up.

Mostly, Kaz looked at the photographs that showed their lives together. There were plenty of Jesper from various ages showing him in colorful outfits with the brightest smiles even when covered in mud. There was one Kaz really liked where the woman he assumed to be his mother held him to her hip while laughing as she looked at his squealing face fondly. There were plenty more showing Colm kissing her on the cheek, sitting outside beneath the sun, standing together in caps and gowns, her wearing a white doctor’s coat with Colm standing beside her, dancing on their wedding day, and so many more family pictures featuring Jesper over the years.

The biggest one was on the altar they set up on the far side of the room. He had looked at in passing multiple times, but never really looked. She was wearing an ornate yellow, orange, and brown headscarf that covered her hair entirely and a dress of the same pattern. She was also wearing a necklace of large red, brown, and other earth-toned beads. Her smile was infectious.

Unlike the bookshelves, there wasn’t a speck of dust on the altar. Not even on the candles. Kaz could see that Colm and probably Jesper were taking loving care of the space.

I wonder what happened to her. Did she get sick like my mama?

His wandering took him to Colm’s office next. It was more sparsely decorated than the living room, but he did have a large mahogany desk with several filing cabinets lining the wall. There were a few photographs of the family above the desk, but that was all. This was clearly a space for business and Colm liked to keep it that way.

He’d already been in the laundry room, but he took a look around inside again. There were only the two machines, but the rest of the room contained cabinets that were full of extra linens, detergents, and cleaners for the rest of the house. He also found the broom, mop, and vacuum.

Maybe I can learn how to use these to help out here. Would they let me? Would my leg? I don’t know… I want to do something else to help. They’re so nice to me. I want it to stay that way.

Kaz then wandered back out to the porch to sit for a while. The crickets and the frogs were loud that night. It reminded him of a time when he and Jordie had gone to a creek with their parents. It had been a very hot day and the two wasted no time in jumping into the water. Within a few minutes of cooling off, their next mission had been to capture tadpoles and frogs. Jordie had put one of the frogs down the back of their mother’s shirt which made her jump and shriek. He and Jordie had laughed until they cried while their father tried very hard not to do the same. In retaliation, she launched herself into the water to chase after them and tickled them mercilessly once they were captured.

His mind drifted to another memory of a warm night not unlike this one. He, Jordie, and their father had been sitting outside in their backyard telling ghost stories. Jordie had told one about a woman who lost her children in a river, so she came to haunt the road and lure drivers to her for help. Then, she’d just drown them, too. Their father hadn’t liked that story. He didn’t say anything, but he sat silently for a long time before going back inside without explaining why. Jordie had called after him, but his pleas went ignored. Kaz knew it was because he was thinking of their mama who had died the year before.  

A gust of wind made the grass and flowers sway again in the breeze, and he could make them out beneath the pale glow of the moon. Everything was cast in a melancholy, blueish hue that might have brought him peace in another life. In that moment, it only made him wonder about his past life and what his family might say now.

Would my mama like it here? Would my pa? What would they think about Colm? Would Jordie like Jesper? What would they say about… about me? Would they be mad at me for what happened?

He’d had enough after another half hour, and he returned upstairs. Before going to his room, he turned toward Colm’s. The door was closed, but he decided to just take a quick look inside. He wanted the whole layout to be catalogued in his mind if ever the occasion called for it, or so he reasoned.  

Now you’re just making excuses for your nosy curiosity. It’s fine though. He won’t know and he won’t find out.

The room was pitch dark, and he felt for a light switch just inside the door. When he found it, the soft light of the overhead lap illuminated the room which, like the rest of the house, was furnished and decorated with cozy shades and pops of color. The bedding had beautiful and intricate patterns in greens and blues. In the corner was cream colored armchair with a bright blue pillow with floral embroidery. Opposite to that corner was another door which Kaz assumed led to another bathroom. On his dresser was a sea of photographs that he wanted to inspect, but he wouldn’t go into the room. Not yet.

He turned off the light and shut the door then. He’d seen enough, and he felt tired enough to return to his room. The question he kept asking himself was if he’d try and stay awake long enough to let Jesper show him the video of Wylan’s performance.

I don’t want to impose. He may have only offered to be polite. Is it weird if I want to see but I couldn’t go? I wanted to go. I did. I was… curious. I don’t want to be trapped in the house all the time. I want to go out, but it’s hard. I’m not ready. There’s too many people and I can’t protect myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

Instead of waiting, he put the books he’d borrowed on the dresser and turned off his lamp. He decided that if Jesper really wanted to show him then he would in the morning.

Shouldn’t I make an effort, though? They have been trying. It should be fine… It’s not weird. They’ll probably be back soon.

Fatigue had other ideas. Before he could make a different choice, he’d been quickly lured to sleep by the softness and warmth of his bed that he was quickly becoming unable to imagine life without.

***

The next morning, Kaz made sure to be downstairs early for breakfast. He didn’t want to keep them waiting. It was a good thing, too, as Jesper’s enthusiasm was bursting at the seams.

“Kaz! Good morning. Sit!” he said while leaning over to tap his chair.

Kaz did as he asked, and Jesper immediately passed his laptop over and pressed play. Sure enough, Wylan was front and center focus.

“Look! Isn’t he so damn talented?” Jesper grinned.

And indeed, he was. Wylan played beautifully without a single mistake. By the end of the solo, he seemed flushed with relief and smiled nervously while holding the flute to his chest. He bowed his head a bit downward and bent his knees in a little bow before walking back to his place among the orchestra.

Kaz looked at Jesper who was beaming with pride. He figured he should say something.

“He did a good job,” he said softly.

“You’re damn right he did! I hope you can come next time. Only when you’re ready of course. No pressure.”

Kaz simply nodded and watched as Jesper took the laptop back and watched the performance again for probably the tenth time that morning. Colm just looked back at his son with a fond smile before turning back to the stove.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 19

It was Tuesday, and Kaz was far more settled during his appointment with Genya than he had been the last week. He looked less tired and didn’t play with his cane nearly as much as he usually did. He even managed to fill out a few more spots on his list the night before after remembering it for the first time since hiding it away in his desk drawer.

What is your favorite...

They started off the conversation about the entry for “Card Games”. Genya decided to share first as a way to make Kaz feel like he wasn’t being interrogated every week about his list. She hoped for it to feel more like a back and forth, and if she were to show some enthusiasm about her own choices then he might feel a little more comfortable doing the same.

“My favorite game to play is ‘Laatste’. It’s also a card game, but it’s a lot of fun to play with friends. The game involves different kinds of cards, and the goal is to get rid of all of yours. When you have only one left, you yell ‘laatste’ and then everyone tries to sabotage your hand. Does that sound like something you might want to do?”

He thought about it and honestly answered, “I’m not sure.”

“What card games do you like?”

“Colm showed me how to play Solitaire. I asked him to show me a few more that I could play on my own, and he did. Lots of different kinds of Solitaire.”

“That was nice of him. Are you interested in learning how to play some two person games? Or group games?”

Twisting his cane a little more, he quietly answered, “I don’t know. Um… Maybe? I might try some day.”

Nodding in acknowledgement, she took another look at his list.

“I see that reading is your favorite hobby. That’s a wonderful hobby to have. What do you like to read?”

“Lots of things.”

After a few beats of silence, Genya said, “I really like to read short and cozy novellas with happy endings. Something to read on a rainy day when I’m feeling down. Does reading help you feel better when you’re sad?”

His gaze was a little unfocused, but it settled on his fingers as they moved his cane around in small half circles. He shrugged a little as if he wasn’t really sure what to say, but he settled on “sometimes”.

“No favorite book yet?”

“No. I like a lot of them. I like… I like stories with magic. They’re interesting. And… I like mysteries. I like figuring out the puzzles.”

“Do you often figure them out? Correctly I mean?”

He nodded with a quick glance toward her, and he relaxed just a little more when she said, “That’s really good. Seems like you’re pretty clever.”

Do I dare try and push when Colm has to come in and talk to him? He’s being pretty open at the moment. I’d like to ask him about books he read as a child, but that could be triggering. I think I’ll wait on that and ask Colm to come in now. Kaz is probably as relaxed as he’s going to be, and we might need more time to talk about his appointment.

Steeling herself, she drew in a deep but quiet breath so as not to alert Kaz to her nervous state. She then placed her list on her lap while sliding Kaz’s across the floor. He used his cane tip to reach and bring it over so he could pick it up and stow it in his pocket. He looked up at the clock as he did so, and Genya could see his confusion. That just made her need to draw in another breath to ground herself before speaking.

“Kaz, I need to do something a little bit differently today. Mr. Fahey has something he wants to talk to you about, so we were wondering if it’s alright with you for him to come in here. You’re not in trouble at all. There’s just something he’d like to tell you.”

The air in the room seemed to shift into something colder as Kaz’s grip tightened around his cane. Genya watched his hands and looked back to him eying her as if she was about to do something to him.

“I promise you that you’re safe. He’s just going to come in here and sit right over there,” she gestured toward one of the chairs by her desk. “We will both stay over here so you have space. Is that okay?”

After internally deliberating, Kaz nodded curtly. With that, Genya slowly rose and went to the door to invite Colm in. Kaz watched him with caution despite the reassuring smile Colm flashed him when he sat down.

“What’s going on?” Kaz asked.

Genya gave Colm an encouraging nod, and she saw that it made Kaz sit with his back flush against the chair. She wondered what it was about their small interaction that made him react in such a way.

Colm, with a voice as gentle as he could make it, told Kaz, “There’s something I need to talk to you about…”

“Then why…” Kaz stopped himself. He realized he’d interrupted Colm, and his shoulders hunched up and he shut his eyes.

“It’s okay. You can ask me,” Colm assured him. “It’s alright.”

Kaz released a shaky breath and, when he felt brave enough, tried again.

“Why are you talking to me here?”

You can do this, Colm. He’ll be alright.

“I need to tell you that you have an appointment coming up this Friday. Nadia called me a couple days ago about it.”

Now completely stiff, the only thing on Kaz’s body to move was his mouth to weakly form the words to ask, “Appointment for what?”

“You need to have a medical examination done so…”

“No!” Kaz interrupted again with force that startled Colm.

“Kaz…”

“No. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to! They always touch me, and I don’t want it. I don’t want to go.”

Colm looked at Genya as Kaz’s breathing sped up and his body trembled. He feared that Kaz was about to have a panic attack or try to run and end up hurting himself.

Genya tried, “Kaz, I know this is scary.”

“I’m not going!” he hissed.

He was seething, though his anger was saturated in fear that kept his voice shaking.

“Kaz, please listen to me. Listen…”

Tears now streaming from his eyes, Kaz cried, “I don’t understand why. I’ve been coming downstairs more. I’m trying to be good. I’m trying to do what you want. I helped you. I fixed your ledgers for you! I’m trying and you said I did a good job, so why am I being punished?!”

Genya could see how those words hurt Colm down to his core. His shoulders slumped, and his face completely fell.

“You’re not being punished, a chuilien. This isn’t because you were bad. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but this is being done to help you. It’s to make sure you’re healing.”

“I am healed. It doesn’t hurt anymore…” He turned his focus to Genya and pleaded, “Tell him. Please tell him. It doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m better now! Please, please…”

Colm was biting his lip while listening to Kaz beg, and he kept his hands clasped as he leaned his elbows onto his knees.

Genya said, “I know that this must be so scary for you, but this exam is important.

At those words, Kaz looked betrayed, and Genya felt like she’d stabbed him.

“Why…” he whined.

Colm explained, “This is the state’s way of making sure I’m taking care of you, a chuilien. After what happened, they are being diligent in keeping tabs on you and seeing that you’re recovering.”

“But I am!” Kaz tried to shout, but his voice cracked.

“They have a court order for documentation. Nadia has done everything she can to make sure this appointment will go smoothly. Nadia found the doctor, and she, the doctor, is going to take her time. You will not be rushed. She’s not going to touch you at all. I swear it. It’s just a visual exam for the most part. She’ll check your weight, ask you some questions, listen to your heart and your lungs, and things like that. She won’t touch you, though. You control when she sees your skin.”

“I don’t care. I don’t care, I don’t want to go.”

“I understand. I wish you didn’t have to, but it’s for your benefit. I promise you that. Kaz, please understand this: if you don’t go, the state might take you from our house and force you to go.”

Kaz looked up and was stricken with fear. He started shaking his head and looking toward the door.

“I thought I wasn’t a prisoner anymore. I thought… I thought…”

He was hyperventilating, and Genya could see that he was on the verge of trying to bolt.

“Hey, hey. Look at me. Look back at me,” Colm urged. When Kaz finally did, Colm said, “Good… You are not a prisoner. I need you to understand, though. They still have the final say in where you live right now. If they take you, they will make you go whether you want to or not. This is the best option we have right now. You need to be examined to make sure you’re alright. I know you say you’re healed, and I believe you. I do. This exam, while scary, will keep you safe and at home with us. Please, Kaz. I know how terrified you are, but I swear to you that nothing bad will happen. Try to trust that I will keep you safe because I will. Let me keep proving to you that you can trust me to keep you safe.”

Increasingly frustrated and feeling helpless, Kaz argued, “Can’t we just delay it? Delay it until I’m eighteen. When…? When do I turn eighteen? That’s how it works, right? If I’m eighteen then they can’t make me, right? That’s what J-Jordie said. Jordie said we were free when we were… were eighteen… Th-then… can’t tell me… t-tell me what…”

He was losing his ability to speak as he tried and failed to stifle his crying. He hugged his arms close to his chest and left his cane abandoned against his knee which just fell to the floor when he rocked himself.

With kindness, Colm told him, “You’re still only sixteen. We can’t delay it for a year and a half.”

Genya then realized that Kaz didn’t know his birthday. She looked to Colm who seemed to realize the same thing before he spoke again.

“You’ll turn eighteen on January 7^th in a year and a half. Nobody will allow a delay that long. I’m so sorry, Kaz. I know you’re scared, but this is something we have to do. I won’t let anything bad happen to you. I promise you that.”

Kaz fished for the cane off the floor then and scrambled to his feet to say, “I’m going… I want to go. I want to go back to my room. Please, please take me back. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m…”

Accepting that this was all he could do at the moment before Kaz really tried to run, Colm simply said, “Okay. Let’s go home.”

Genya spoke up and said, “Kaz, take the next couple of days to prepare. You can always call me to talk about what you’re afraid of and we can work on ways to help you. For now, remember that nobody is going to touch you. The doctor is just going to look.”

Angrier than he’d yet to dare show, he turned back and yelled, “I don’t want anyone else to see my body! I’m done! I want… I want my body back. I want it to be mine… I want… to go…”

He was looking at Colm with so much anger and pleading in his eyes, and Genya could see Colm wilt from it. Without saying anything else, Colm just stood up silently and didn’t even look back at her.

Kaz flew out the door and toward the parking lot without waiting for him, and Genya approached Colm who could barely bring himself to follow.

“This is going to be difficult, but you’re going about it the right way. Just keep reminding him that he won’t be alone and that you’ll be there to keep him safe.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t be. He’s clearly pissed with me and likely doesn’t trust me. He doesn’t understand. I think… I think I’ll call his social worker back. Nadia. She was there with him the whole time at the hospital, so maybe she can come with us. He might be more willing to go if she’s there. He knows first-hand that she’ll advocate for him.”

“I think that idea is worth a try. And hey, you’re doing well. I know you might not feel like it right now, but you’re doing okay. I do, however, think you should talk to someone. A therapist of your own, a support group… something. Don’t do this on your own.”

“I know. I know, and I have something arranged with my son already. We’re going together, but I think… I think maybe I need to go on my own, as well. Anyway, I better go. Thanks for your help.”

“Of course.”                                                                             

***

As soon as Colm parked the car, Kaz ripped his belt off and clumsily hurried inside and up the stairs to his room. Colm jogged into the house and called after him, but as soon as he made it into the house, Kaz slammed his door shut.

Feeling totally defeated and like the worst parent, Colm sighed and slowly closed the front door. He leaned his head against it to try and gather himself, and he jumped when Jesper spoke beside him. He hadn’t seen him when he came in.

“I take it the news didn’t go over very well,” Jesper said while cringing.

“No…” Colm sighed. “It did not.”

Colm dragged himself over to the couch and flopped down to just try and take a breather. Everything was quiet upstairs, but he wasn’t sure if that would last for long.

“Da, are you okay?” Jesper asked while sitting beside him.

Not wanting to burden his son with this but realizing there was no point in hiding anything as he was old enough to understand, Colm said, “I’m afraid I’m losing his trust.”

Jesper thought on that and said, “I wouldn’t say that.”

Rolling his head to the side so he could see Jesper, he raised an eyebrow and said, “You wouldn’t?”

“Nah,” Jesper said while leaning back and crossing his lanky legs and arms. “Did you hear what he did when he came in?”

“Nearly broke his door?”

“Exactly.”

Colm gave him a look encouraging him to explain as he was not understanding.

“Do you remember when he first came here? He didn’t speak to us for a long time. He barely moved because he was afraid of doing the wrong thing like it would anger us. He was so afraid that we were going to hurt him. Sure, he’s probably still a bit afraid of that, but he just slammed his door. I’d say that means he trusts you at least a little. If he didn’t, do you think he’d ever do that?”

Colm could see the logic, though he wondered how much the slamming could be attributed to his hypothetical trust and how much could be attributed to him just being out of control and angry. Except, he knew he wasn’t out of control. He was just upset, and he was acting like a teenager would when they were angry.

“So, that means I can slam doors now, too, right?” Jesper said to add some levity to the conversation.

“Perhaps if you’d like to have some more chores to work off all the energy it would take to slam said doors, be my guest.”

“You really are no fun, you know that?” Jesper said insincerely with a laugh, and Colm managed to crack a smile at that. 

***

When David arrived home, the lights were off except for the light from the television flooding down the hall to cast roaming shadows across the walls. The sounds from the show that played were too low for him to make out the dialogue or the music clearly which made him wonder if Genya had turned it on as background noise for sleep.

But why would she sleep on the couch? She never does that. And so early?

David had had a late night at work for a new project that required too much organization which he liked to have a meticulous handle on before going forward. He had warned Genya the day before that he wouldn’t be home before nine o’clock.

He kicked his shoes off and dropped his backpack onto the bench by the door before making his way out to the living room. There, Genya was not asleep, but she was misty eyed and staring at the television without really seeing it. He knelt before her and got her attention.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” she answered weakly.

“Rough day?” he asked while smoothing her hair back from her face.

“Yeah. I’m worried about someone.”

David looked down at his phone to double check the day and said, “The sad patient.”

She sniffled and nodded slightly.

“Come. Sit up for me?” he asked.

She did as he requested, and he took his place on the couch and pressed down on her shoulders for her to lay her head on his lap. He picked up her hand and brought it to his lips for a kiss, and then he set to running his hands through her hair.

“Some days are just so hard. I get through the appointment, and I’m okay during it. I might feel a bit sad or wish I could do something to make everything better, but I’m okay. Today, for whatever reason, I’m just having a harder time. It was hard but I feel like it anything, I should have been crying a couple weeks ago. Why am I crying now?” she asked while wiping her tears.

“We can’t quite control how we feel and when we feel it, my gem. We just have to face it as it comes and decide what to do with those feelings.”

“And if I don’t want to?”

“Then I should probably get your degrees and tape them to your eyes to remind yourself of what you’ve accomplished and learned so you can’t run from it.”

The deadpan way in which he said that made her laugh, and David smiled down at her before awkwardly bending to plant a kiss on her head.

“No fair. Don’t make me laugh. Maybe I want to wallow in my own misery right now.”

David tutted and said, “I’m not sure that’s allowed. You see, I’m obligated to make you laugh if it’s within my power. It seems I still have it in me tonight to do just that.”

She sighed and asked, “How do you always know how to make me feel better?”

“Simply because I know you, my love. I love you, and I know you.”

She nuzzled against his leg and said, “Well, I hope you’re ready to be my pillow for the rest of the night, because that’s probably the only thing that’s going to make me really feel better tonight.”

With another pass of his fingers through her hair, he said, “I can do that.”

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 20

It felt like Kaz’s world was collapsing on itself. He thought he had escaped the threat of hands that would hold him down and drugs that would make him compliant or unable to fight them off. He thought he was safe. Colm’s promises meant nothing to him.

I knew I shouldn’t have listened to them. I knew they were lying. Now they’re taking me back and they’re going to touch me and look at me like I’m a freak. I shouldn’t have listened. Jordie, would you think I’m stupid? I didn’t mean to be. I’m scared…

He cried all afternoon as quietly as he could as he didn’t want Colm or Jesper to hear him. He realized that he’d already pushed his luck with how much he had resisted and fought against what Colm was telling him to do. He wanted to sink into the floor and never come out again. The closest he could come to achieving that level of darkness was when he wrapped himself in a blanket and shut himself away in his closet with Crow held tightly in his arms.

He was able to remain there undisturbed until Colm tried to bring him something to eat that evening. Kaz had locked his door and refused to acknowledge that he had heard Colm knock or tell him that he would leave it on the floor outside. Kaz would rather starve than move, though he didn’t have much of an appetite again from all of the stress.

That night, he emerged from the closet well after midnight. His legs were cramped, and his knee hurt terribly when he stretched out. He had to stifle more crying from the pain while resorting to crawling across the floor until he reached his bed. It took him a few tries to sit himself upright against it and slide the blanket from his shoulders to toss behind him.

Now calmer than earlier, his stomach decided it was time to complain. He knew his offered plate was no longer there and was likely put in the fridge for him, but he wouldn’t go get it. Instead, he resorted to the stash of crackers, dried fruit, and chocolate he kept beneath the floorboard under his bed. He only ate a little bit to calm the growling so he could try and sleep. He ignored his need for water as he didn’t want to even attempt to stand up to go to the bathroom. There was still too much pain and the risk of running into Colm or Jesper at that moment. So, he ignored his water bottle despite the dryness in his throat that begged him for at least one sip.

***

One Flute, Two Mouths

1:36 PM

Wylan: Hi.

Jesper: hey

Wylan: Just ‘hey’? No hearts or anything for me?

Jesper: you didn’t send any either

Wylan: Is something wrong?

Jesper: I don’t know

Jesper: Kind of? Yes, but. You know. Maybe. Djfklfjfkdjfkl UGH I DON’t KNOW yes But not exactly if that makes sense.

Wylan: That almost broke my screen reader.

Jesper: Sorry. Bad habit. Anyway, it’s complicated.

Wylan: Kaz?

Jesper: Yeah. He’s not having a good week. My da is having a hard time with it because he’s worried about him. I mean, I’m worried, too, but it’s complicated

Wylan: Anything you can tell me?

Jesper: Not really. I wish I could, but I’d get in trouble, and I don’t think Kaz wants us talking about him to anyone, anyway. Kaz is just kind of hiding right now and he’s mad at my da

Wylan: Have you tried talking to him? He might be more open to listening to you. He might trust you more because you’re not an adult like the people who hurt him.

Jesper: Maybe. I thought about it, but I don’t want to piss him off more even if it is nice to see him express something else other than fear, you know? I wish I could tell you more

Wylan: It’s alright. I understand.

Jesper: What about you? You texted me first. What’s up?

Wylan: Oh. I’m just kind of having a bad time, too.

Jesper: What’s wrong?

Wylan: My mom. She’s not doing well right now. My aunt is trying to come again, but she won’t be here until Friday.

Jesper: Are you okay? Do you need help?

Wylan: Not at the moment. I mean I am okay, but I am also okay on my own right now. At least I think so. She’s asleep right now.

Jesper: Does she know where she is?

Wylan: She did before falling asleep.

Jesper: That’s good. Good.

Wylan: I think I’m actually going to nap right now. I should sleep while I can just in case it gets worse.

Jesper: Will you please call me if it does? I can be there so fast.

Wylan: I know. Thank you. Maybe try with Kaz before you do come. He needs help right now from the sound of it.

Jesper: Alright. I’ll see what I can do. Love you.

Wylan: Love you more

***

They’re going to touch you again. You don’t have a choice. You were never safe, and you were a fool to think it.

“It’s all you’re good for. This is all you’ll ever be good for until I say you’re better off dead.”

Stop it. Stop, stop, stop.

Kaz, in a sudden fit of rage, threw the book he was had been trying to read across the room. He pounded his fist into the bed and turned onto his side to press his back against the wall. Adrenaline was surging, and he hit his head back into the wall hard enough to make it hurt. It was different when he was the one hurting himself. He could control when and how much, and he could make himself feel something other than fear.

When the pain faded, his mind was quieter. He couldn’t hear the memory of Rollins’ taunts anymore, but he was still angry – angry with Colm, angry with Nadia, angry with everyone claiming to protect him, angry with himself for probably ruining his book.

After shoving down his regret deep inside of himself, he managed to get up and sit at his desk for the first time since they’d gotten back home. He had too much nervous energy again, but he still tried to play with his cards. Over and over again, they flew through his hands into different patterns of shuffling that he had mastered over hours of careful practice. It was becoming an almost mindless task until another unwanted memory of a voice screamed honeyed words that stuck inside of his ears on a loop.

“You’re such a beautiful boy. Did you know that? Let me take care of you so you won’t hurt anymore.”

The cards slipped and tumbled down onto the surface of the desk, and he swiped them away with a sharp curse spitting from his lips.

“Fuck!”

He buried his hands in his hair and gripped it tightly. His breathing was becoming erratic, and the room was spinning every time he opened his eyes.

Colm said the doctor was a woman. It’s not a man. It’s not him. It’s not him. Colm wouldn’t take me back to him. Nadia didn’t when they rescued me. She kept me safe even when it hurt. Those doctors helped me for real, didn’t they? Then she got me out. But… Now I have to go back and… I don’t want to. I don’t want them to touch me. It’s not safe. They’re lying. They always lie in the end. They’ll all end up like him.

A few tears dripped down his nose to splash onto the wooden desk and the few cards that he missed. His memories were spiraling back to the time of his rescue and how the paramedics and Nadia swore he was safe. He didn’t think that safety meant more people looking at him and touching him against his will even if it was for his genuine benefit.

Liars. They’re all liars. I was never safe. They tied me down and drugged me and touched me and looked at me anyway. They will again and I can’t fight back… I can’t… I can’t even run…

No longer able to shove his fear aside, he buried his face into his crossed arms and cried while he tried not to remember anything.  

***

Here goes nothing.

Jesper approached Kaz’s bedroom door and knocked softly. There was no answer, so he tested the knob. It was unlocked. Either Kaz forgot, or he figured he should stop starving himself and let them bring him something as they’d been trying since Tuesday. It was now the night before the appointment, and Kaz had been unwilling to come downstairs despite Colm’s invitations.

“Kaz, it’s me. Can I come in?”

Silence.

“I’m taking your nonanswer as invitation to come in unless you actually tell me otherwise.”

As he opened the door, he could hear Kaz moving quickly away from his desk to somewhere else. Once the door was open and Jesper stepped in and to the side to not block the path, he found Kaz with his shoulders hunched with his back pressed into the corner at the head of his bed.

He had abandoned a game of Solitaire, and Jesper had to resist the urge to make a joke about playing with yourself as he worried it wouldn’t go over too well with Kaz even on a good day at that point.    

“Da made dinner. Do you think you can eat some? You must be hungry by now.”

Kaz was practically glaring at him then.

Of course, he’s hungry. Just put it on the desk, doofus.

He set it down and then, with some hesitation, made the decision to pull the chair out further and sit down. If Kaz had been a feral cat, his hackles would have been standing on end.

“It’s actually pretty good. I already had a few bites. He knows how much you like grilled cheese, so he made it for you. He actually sprang for the good cheese this time. He farts less this way. Thank the Saints.”

Jesper could see how much he scoffed at the idea of Saints and being thankful for anything. He understood that. Why should anyone thank any supposed holy deity after what he’d been through?

He picked up a card from Kaz’s desk and fiddled with it nervously while trying to find the right words. He felt entirely out of his depth, but he wanted to try.

“I understand that you’re mad. I would be, too.”

Kaz’s glare softened just a little, but he didn’t drop his guard.

“My da understands, too…”

“Your da is the one forcing me to go,” Kaz rebutted with more bite than he’d intended. He immediately softened his tone when he continued to say, “He’s forcing me. I don’t want to go.”

“I know, but…”

“You don’t. You don’t know, and you don’t care. You don’t…”

Jesper tossed the card back on the desk which made Kaz flinch and go completely silent. He drew his arms up over his chest and bowed his head away while squinting in expectation of being hit by something.

“Oh, crap. Kaz, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m not going to hit you or anything. I just… I wanted you to not be so scared about tomorrow. You’re going to be okay.”

After a while of uncomfortable silence where Jesper wanted to crawl away into a hole, Kaz timidly asked, “How do you know?”

Jesper folded his arms across his own chest in an attempt to be less threatening. With as much reassurance as he could, he reminded Kaz, “He’s kept you safe and kept his promises so far, hasn’t he? He’s been nothing but kind to you. I know he would never do something to put you in harm’s way.”

Kaz shook his head and said, “You don’t know. You can’t know.”

“But I do…”

“No. You don’t know what it’s like to… for people to just take and take and… I don’t want to go.”

Kaz leaned his head against the wall and looked so despondent that Jesper nearly teared up.

“I know. I am sorry, and I know you don’t believe me, but you’re going to be okay. I know that nobody is going to hurt you tomorrow. I know that having to do this is probably really uncomfortable and scary, and you’re right. I don’t know what that’s like. What I do know is that my da is a good man, and he’ll never do anything to make you unsafe. Sometimes… Sometimes we have to do things we don’t like that might be scary or uncomfortable or even hurt a little, but it’s for our benefit. This appointment is important. The appointment is what will keep you safe here with us and also make sure you’re really okay. So, maybe come downstairs? Spend some time with us? My da wants to see you…”

With visible fear, Kaz shook his head again to cut him off, but he said nothing. There wasn’t much else Jesper could say at the moment, and he desperately wished the right words would come to put Kaz’s mind at ease. What words could possibly exist for a child who had been ripped apart by the worst luck and cruelty he’d ever heard of?

Nearly giving up, Jesper sighed and nudged the plate closer to him.

“At least eat something. Please?”

Kaz shrugged and looked away while still keeping Jesper in his peripheral. Jesper figured that was as good as it was going to get, so he took that as his cue to go.

Before leaving through the door, he wanted to try one last thing.

“Hey, I don’t know if you’re worried about this, but my da isn’t actually mad at you or anything. He hardly gets mad at me if I slam my door, you know? I just get grounded for the night and that’s it, so it’s fine, really.”

Kaz looked sick then, and Jesper was worried. Kaz hadn’t realized what he had done when they had arrived at the house. Now he remembered that he had fully slammed his door so hard that the wall shook, but nothing happened. There was no yelling, no punching, no belts. He was just left on his own.

“Kaz, it’s alright. I swear he’s not mad about that…”

Jesper’s phone started to ring. He pulled it out and saw Wylan’s name.

“Sorry, Kaz, one second…” Jesper answered the phone and said, “Hey, love. What? I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’m coming.”

He hung up and shoved his phone back into his pocket and said, “I’m sorry, but I need to run to Wylan’s for the night. I need…” he took a deep, steadying breath and said, “I need my da to take me. Um, try and eat, okay? You’re going to be just fine tomorrow. I promise. I really, honestly promise. I swear on my love for Wylan if that helps.”

Jesper looked at him apologetically despite being flustered before leaving the room and rushing down the stairs to find Colm. He wanted to be there for Kaz, but he knew Kaz was likely over his limit for human interaction at that point and Wylan needed him. He swallowed his guilt and put his trust in what he had said to Kaz and hoped it would help put him at least a little more at ease. 

***

That night, Kaz woke up with a start and scrambled into the corner as quickly as he could while blocking his face with his arms. His breathing was rapid, and he felt sick as the feeling of hands slid down his spine. He reached for Crow, but it had fallen on the floor, and he was too scared in the moment to move. 

Jordie, I want Jordie. Come back. I’m scared. I’m so scared of what’s going to happen. I don’t want to be alone.

Nightmares about his time in the Rollins house were back in full force, and the voice he had heard earlier crawled back. That voice led to a nightmare playing on repeat of a man claiming to be a doctor with gentle hands who would come to him after Rollins and the other people who used his body became too rough. His gentle hands had always been snakes in disguise pretending to be caring and helpful while really lying in wait to constrict him into an even worse suffocation than those who had been blatantly cruel.

What if someone like him is there. He wasn’t at the hospital. Nadia was there. She kept me safe. She will be there tomorrow, and she’ll keep me safe. She promised. She promised… But what if?

He remained frozen in fear as tears dripped down his face, and he wanted so badly not to be alone. There was nowhere and nobody for him to turn to at that moment, or so he believed.

I’m so fucking scared.

An impulse born from that thought finally drove him forward, and he crawled out of the bed and reached down for Crow. He scooped it into his arms and went to Jesper’s room. The door was open, but when he peeked inside, he remembered that Jesper was staying the night with Wylan.

A shiver ran down his back, and memories of the welts and worse burned in his flesh.

Oh no. I don’t know what to do.

More tears escaped his eyes, and he wiped them away. He looked back down the hall toward Colm’s door. Before he could really think about it, his feet carried him back to his room to grab his blanket and pillow.

Carefully, he opened Colm’s door. He was fully asleep, and Kaz sighed in relief. There was a part of him that wanted him to be awake just so he could hear the reassuring words that he had subconsciously come to find comfort in despite his anger at him, but he figured it was best that Colm not know he was there. He’d only lay on the floor for a little while until he felt better and less afraid.

He ended up falling asleep for the rest of the night.

When Colm woke up, he was startled to find Kaz in the room on the floor, curled up against the wall beneath a blanket with his head on his pillow and Crow cradled beneath his chin. Colm was kneeling before him shortly and called to him softly while praying that he wouldn’t wake up too scared, but when Kaz opened his eyes, he flinched and sat up quickly.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe here. Yeah?” Kaz calmed himself and nodded. “Can you tell me what happened? Why are you on the floor?”

“Sorry,” Kaz whispered.

“It’s okay. Can you tell me?”

He hesitated, but managed to admit, “I’m scared, and Jesper isn’t here. I didn’t want to be alone.”

“That’s alright. You could have woken me up,” Colm encouraged gently.

Kaz shook his head and said, “I had a nightmare, and I got scared, and I didn’t want to be alone. But… Couldn’t… I don’t want to go…”

Kaz buried his face into arms that rested on his bent knees and wept. He was embarrassed from his tears, terrified of what awaited him, and still so angry with Colm for making him go.

“Nothing is in my control,” he cried.

“I know it feels that way right now. I know this must be so frightening. You’re allowed to feel this way. You’re allowed to be upset and angry and feel like it’s not fair because you’re right. It’s not fair. None of this is fair, and I’d give anything to have you just stay home today.”

Kaz looked up at him almost hopeful, but he knew that there was no way he would be allowed to not go.

Colm continued to say, “We’re going to get through this. You’re not alone. I’m here for you, and so is Nadia. We’re going to make sure that you are in control of when things happen today. Nobody will touch you. You have more control than you think. I’ll be there to make sure. There will be no drugs, no touching, and no tricks. Everything will be explained as you go along.”

“I’m scared, and I’m s-so mad…”

“I know. I don’t blame you. You’re allowed to feel that way.”

Kaz sniffled and wiped his nose and asked, “You’re… You’re not mad at me for being upset?”

Firmly, Colm said, “Not at all. I’m upset you have to do any of this in the first place, so how could I be mad at you for feeling the same and more? Though…” Colm tapped the floor to get him to look up at him. “I will feel better if this doctor tells me that you’re doing better health-wise. I do want to make sure you’re as healthy as you can be.”

Kaz just shrugged at that and looked down at the floor. He wanted to believe that Colm was being sincere, but history had proven that most sugared words were deceitful. Still, he had seen time and time again that there was nothing Colm had done to make him really believe he was being tricked again.

Nothing bad has ever happened. He’s given me so many things I needed. He’s kept me warm and fed and has given me the freedom to come and go as I want. He doesn’t ever touch me, and he made sure Jesper knew not to. He never makes me feel trapped. He has never hit me or even looked at me like he had wanted to… to do other awful things. Maybe he’s not lying. Maybe I shouldn’t be mad at him.

“Hey Kaz?” Colm called out gently which broke Kaz out of his thoughts. “Promise me that next time you’ll wake me up and not sleep on the floor. I’m sure your body isn’t very happy with you at the moment.”

Kaz did notice the extra stiffness in his whole body and the ache in his shoulder from where he’d been laying on it. His neck didn’t really want to move, either. Even his hips were protesting the hours he’d spent on his side on the hard floor.

“Let’s get up?” Colm asked.

Colm let Kaz struggle to his feet first so he wouldn’t loom over him once he was standing. Kaz panted a bit as Colm groaned and pushed himself up on popping knees. The sound of it made Kaz glance at him, and he might have laughed about it internally if his own leg wasn’t loudly protesting.

“Come on. Let’s go get something to eat. You need your strength for the day. Come down when you’re ready.”

Kaz watched him go still feeling a little resentful while also feeling a little better. That just left him feeling confused on top of the nerves he knew he’d never be able to get rid of until the day was over. He was at least a little more confident that Colm might keep his word and make this ordeal as close to alright as it could possibly be.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 21

It had taken Kaz twenty minutes to strip out of his clothes in the doctor’s office. Nadia remained in the room with him at his request with her eyes averted. He thought it might have been easier to undress alone, but he was terrified of someone coming in and hurting him.

She didn’t say a word the whole time and just waited for him to finish. She only turned toward him once he said “okay” in the smallest voice she’d ever heard him speak with.

He was covered in two blankets which he chose as he couldn’t stomach the idea of undressing from even a gown in front of anyone. Psychologically, it was just easier, and with blankets he would be able to pull them back over himself immediately when needed. He had one draped over his legs and tucked beneath him while the other was wrapped around his upper body. Only his face was visible, and he was petrified with silent tears dripping one after the other down his cheeks.   

Nadia encouraged him with her kind words saying, “You’re going to be just fine. I’m right here and will make sure you’re safe. You’re incredibly brave right now. I’m proud of you.”

Kaz’s lip quivered, but he nodded to note that he had heard her. It didn’t exactly make him feel better, but it was good to know that she was adamant about keeping her promises to make sure he was safe.

Not long afterward, a knock sounded on the door causing Kaz to jump and breathe harder.

“It’s alright,” Nadia soothed while getting up to open the door. He could hear her murmur, “He’s really scared right now.”

A few moments later, the doctor walked in behind Nadia with deliberately slow and quiet steps to avoid frightening Kaz any further. Her smile and careful manner of movement were not enough to win him over as he found himself staring at her wide eyed while stealing looks at the window and wondering how far the fall would be if he jumped.

“Hello, Kaz. I’m Dr. Galen. It’s very nice to meet you. Thank you for coming in today. I understand that being here is very difficult for you, so we’re going to take everything very slowly. I want to make sure you understand that I will not touch you at all. Because of that, I may need your help doing certain things. That means you’d be in control of the item touching you like this,” she explained while pointing at the stethoscope around her neck. “Is that alright?”

He wrapped the blanket around himself tighter while nodding that it was alright.

It’s not, but it will have to be. I don’t have a choice.

“Okay, let’s see…”  She clicked through her computer and opened up his files to get ready to take down notes. “Oh, good. They weighed you already. Looks like you put on a bit of weight. That’s wonderful. You’re up to 125 pounds now. Seems like you’re eating alright?”

Kaz nodded as a response.

“Do you eat every day?”

Forcing himself to find his voice, he shook his head and quietly said, “N-no. Can’t. Feel too sick or not hungry sometimes.”

“That’s normal right now to have days like that. Looks like they gave you plenty of supplements when you were hospitalized and managed to get your weight up a little then, but you’ve really improved being under Mr. Fahey’s care in that regard. That’s excellent. We still want to see you put on a lot more weight for your height, and you’ll still be growing for a few more years.”

After typing a few notes, she asked, “Are you drinking water every day?”

He nodded again. It was mostly true, but he reasoned she didn’t need to know about him refusing to drink at times so he could hide in his room longer. He figured he was drinking enough on other days.

“Good. That’s very important. Okay, do you think we can take your blood pressure?”

Kaz looked around first and then asked, “What does that mean?”

“Do you see that black cuff behind you?” she asked while pointing.

Cuff?!

He looked around and saw the blood pressure cuff hanging on the wall next to a few other things he couldn’t identify. Immediately, his breathing sped up and he looked toward the window again with thoughts of running.

“Oh, shit, Kaz?” Nadia called out to him. “Kaz, honey, look at me. Look at me, please.”

Kaz whipped his head around with wide, terrified eyes. Dr. Galen watched the two and waited while wondering what it was that set him off. Nadia’s next words made it clear enough.

“It’s not that kind of cuff. It goes up here on your bicep and it squeezes your arm to measure the pressure of your blood flow in your arteries. It doesn’t hurt and it doesn’t hold you down. She wouldn’t have to touch you to put it on. Do you remember having that done when you were in the hospital?”

Kaz was about to be sick, and they could see it. He could remember, and he had hated it. It didn’t hurt, but it was deeply uncomfortable and scared him because it felt like another restraint.

Understanding the situation, Dr. Galen said, “We can skip that one for now. What about this little thing here?”

She grabbed a small white device and put it on the end of her finger.

“This measures your heart rate and oxygen in your blood. It won’t hurt you at all, and if you find it uncomfortable, you can take it off right away. Can I try and put this on the end of your finger?”

He felt a little better about trying that as he remembered pulse oximeters being painless and inconsequential compared to everything else he had to deal with. His arm was shaking when he pulled it from beneath the blanket, but he managed to hold it steady enough for her to clip the device over him. He quickly pulled his hand away from her and waited for the beep before showing her the readings.

She took down her notes and removed the device from his finger while telling him that while his heart rate was fast, it was to be expected considering the level of anxiety he was experiencing. His resting heart rate was beating at 120bpm, but she assured him that it would slow once he was feeling calmer. 

“Alright. We should start with the visual exam now. I want to start by looking at your hair, ears, and mouth, and we’ll move on from there, alright? We’ll just go bit by bit until we’re done.”

First, Kaz ran his fingers through his hair in different directions to show that there were no signs of lice and that his scalp looked healthy. Satisfied, Dr. Galen then asked if she could put the otoscope into his ear, but he couldn’t let her when she went to look because she got too close, and he got too scared. Finally, she was able to see a little into his mouth and didn’t see anything alarming. The wounds that had been documented before looked healed from where she was, and Kaz denied having any pain left.

Next, she looked at his arms. He didn’t mind her looking at those as much and easily rotated them around for her to see. What he hated looking at were what he considered ugly rings of wounds around his wrists from manacles which had scarred over.

Foregoing testing any of his strength as it involved too much touch, she opted to only check his range of motion.                                     

“Can you roll your wrists for me? Good. Now touch your fingertips to your thumbs.”

Perfect..." she said before she typed up more notes and clicked through a few pages.

Meanwhile, Kaz pulled his arms back into the safety of the blanket.

When she turned back to him, she said, "Okay, I'd like to look at your chest and back now. You can sit up for now, but you'll need to pull the blanket down to your waist. Just right here above your hips," she explained while showing him on her own body.

I don’t like this. Nadia is here. She’s here. She’ll keep me safe.

He looked over at Nadia then, and she gave him an encouraging nod, but it still took him a few minutes to be able to lower the blanket he had around him as she had asked him. When he did, he made sure it was still firmly covering the space around his hips along with the other blanket.

After taking notes on the state of the scarring from the wounds that had healed on his back and chest, she let him hold the end of her stethoscope and place it where she instructed. She had found no issues with his heart or his lungs as he breathed in and out at her instruction. He was also asked to lay back and then sit up again so she could see how well he did. There was a little bit of a struggle as he needed to use his arms, but he managed to sit up again on his own.

Afterward, she moved on to look at his legs. He laid back again with one blanket wrapped around his back and torso while tucking the other one between his legs for privacy. Again, she tested his range of motion and paid close attention to his right leg that was covered in painful looking scars and appeared incorrectly aligned. He was able to bend that knee, but not as well as his left. He also wasn’t able to flex that foot up nearly as much as the other. He did his best, but the more he moved, the more his whole leg throbbed.

When he was told to relax, he wanted to pull the blanket back down over his legs, but she had him wait. She took a thorough look at the skin of his right leg and took down several notes. The more she typed, the more self-conscious he became.

I really don’t like this. I want her to stop staring at it. Please, stop.

“Okay…”

He pulled the blanket down as soon as she spoke that word and he breathed a sigh of relief as he was fully covered again save for his head.

“This next part is going to be a little scarier than what I’ve asked you to do so far, but I need you to remember that you’re the only one touching yourself. You’re in control of this.”

If I was in control I wouldn't be here.

“I want to explain what I need you to do so you're prepared. I'll need you to lower the blanket and move your...”

She decided to avoid using any words that might be a trigger as she wasn’t sure if even basic scientific labels could set him off. After some more thought, she kept her language as simplistic as she could while using her hands to gesture so her requests were clear.

“I will need you to move yourself there so I can see all the angles. It's to make sure there are no remnants of any cuts or signs of disease that the antibiotics didn’t take care of before. Do you think you can do that for me?”

Do you mean “Do you think you can do that yourself, so I don’t have to have someone come in here and do it for you?”

He didn’t respond. He just stared at the ceiling for a long time with his hands wrapped around the edge of the blanket. He closed his eyes and fought for the will to do as he she asked.

It's almost over and then I can leave. I can go… home…

In one swift motion, he lowered the blanket and followed every instruction as they came. Sometimes it was hard because he couldn’t bring himself to look at her gestures, and she still avoided using words that might trigger him, but he managed it. Once he was given the go ahead, he ripped the blanket back over himself.

I hate this, I hate this, I fucking hate this…

“That was excellent. I know that was uncomfortable for you, but you did an amazing job…” she said while typing away before moving on to the next question she had. “Do you have any pain when going to the bathroom?”

“No.”

“None at all?”

“No. I... it did. It doesn't hurt anymore. Not for a while now. I p-promise.”

He was shivering now, but he wasn’t cold. Just scared and overwhelmed and wanting so badly to avoid what he knew was likely about to happen based on her line of questioning.

“That's good. Alright, there is one more part of the visual examination.”

“No…” Kaz said uncontrollably as he started to tear up.

“I know. I understand that this is the hardest part.”

Overwhelmed and sick with fear, Kaz hid his whole face with a blanket and listened. He was sure he’d never be able to go through with what she was asking. He was thankful to at least not be reprimanded for hiding.

“Kaz, can you turn onto your side when you're ready for that step?”

Several minutes passed, and he still couldn’t move. He was shaking more and felt as if he had no hope of getting it under control.

Almost over. Worst part and I'll be free. Just one more part with several steps. If I do it, I can go home. Just start with the first step. I can do it. I can…

Much to Dr. Galen’s and Nadia’s surprise, he slowly turned to his side sooner than they anticipated. He was careful to remain covered as he did so.

“That's good,” Dr. Galen praised. “Now, when you're ready, you can either lower the blanket or just pull the back of it over yourself and then do what I asked so I can see.”

He curled up smaller and shivered even harder. His breathing was erratic as he hated having his back exposed to the room like that even if he was covered by blankets.

“We'll wait for you. There's no rush,” Dr. Galen reminded him.

“I don’t want to,” Kaz whined with crumbling resolve.  

“I know. I’m so sorry we can’t skip this part, but it’s the last thing you need to do. I promise.”

After a few minutes, Kaz pulled the blanket down from his face and looked back at Nadia who had had her gaze averted since he turned over.

“N-Nadia?”

Realizing he was speaking to her, Nadia answered, “Yeah, Kaz?”

"Can you come over here so I can see you?" he asked, his raspy voice cracking.

“Of course.”

She moved to the chair in the other corner where he could see her and try to find his courage.

“Don’t worry. I'm watching. Nothing bad is going to happen,” Nadia promised.

After a few deep breaths, he pulled the blanket away from his rear for a few seconds. He gave up and tried again, but he was struggling. He was too afraid. 

“I can't. I can't do it,” he cried.

“I know this is the worst part. It's the last thing I need you to do. It will take less than a minute. Is there anything I can do to make it easier?” Dr. Galen asked.

“I don't know,” he said through hiccupping sobs.

“I can talk you through everything I'm seeing and doing.”

Instead of answering, he only cried harder.

Nadia scooted her chair forward a little and called out to him.

“Hey, hey. Kaz, can you look at me? You have done this before. You can do this again. It will be so much faster and easier than before. No hands except yours. You're going to be just fine. I promise. Trust me?”

After another minute, he sniffled while nodding and said, “I want to go home.”

“I know, honey. Soon. So soon.”

A few minutes later, he was finally able to go through with it. He moved himself as needed and allowed her to see that all of his external injuries had healed just as he said they had.

“The fissures have healed. Fantastic. No pain or sharpness at all inside either? Not at all?”

He shook his head vigorously as if he could shake those words out of his head. He didn’t want to know the names of the specific injuries or think about the pain he used to feel inside. He didn’t want any of it and prayed that he would just burst into flame on the spot.

“Okay then, we're all done.”

He ripped the blanket down so hard that his fist hit the exam table with an audible pop. It didn’t hurt, but he startled himself and held his hand beneath his chin while refusing to move just yet. He needed to be alone.

“Good job, Kaz,” Nadia told him.

Dr. Galen also reassured him again by saying, “That was so good. You did wonderfully. You're very brave. I know this was very hard.”

“Am I done? I never need to do this again?” Kaz asked hopefully while still sounding completely miserable.

“Not like this, no. You already had all vaccinations when you were in the hospital which is good, so you don’t have to worry about that for a while. As far as exams go, just like I recommend to all patients, it's good to have a yearly checkup. I understand if you need time to work up to being able to have one.”

“I want to get dressed. Can I put my clothes on now? Please?” he asked, desperate to feel secure.  

“Of course. I'll talk to Mr. Fahey while you dress, alright? When you're done, come out.”

Nadia got up to follow her out while promising Kaz, “I’ll be just outside the door. Nobody will come in.”

Once alone, Kaz sat up and pulled his clothes back on while unable to stop weeping. He felt so exposed and used that no amount of fabric was able to stop it despite being fully covered except for his face.

Longing for some form of comfort, he found himself wishing that he had brought Crow with him. He rolled up the blankets and hugged them instead to try and calm himself that way, but it hardly worked. He just wanted to hurry up and leave so he could be anywhere but there.

***

“How would you say his walking is?” Dr. Galen asked Colm as Nadia listened.

“He gets around well enough with his cane. It hurts him more when he’s cold, so I do what I can to keep the house warm and I give him heating pads.”

“I want to watch him as he comes out and leaves, but based on what I saw in there, I highly recommend a referral to an orthopedic surgeon. I know that will likely be a fight with him right now. Still, it’s a good idea to start looking into it. His x-rays confirm that the bones were never set right, but I can tell just by looking at the leg itself. He also has a slight case of drop foot, so he can’t fully flex his foot up.” She demonstrated her meaning with her hand. “Based on what I know, that’s likely due to atrophy. I’m curious to see what that looks like when he walks. He is still growing, too. I’m worried about worsening pain overall.”

Colm knew she was right, but there was no way he would force Kaz into another doctor’s office if he could avoid it. Doing so at the moment would be against his best interests. He would just have to talk to Kaz when the time was right and advocate for the benefits. He’d never force him though.

Kaz came out then with his eyes still red and wet. He was sniffling and kept his head down and hidden beneath his hood.

“Ready?” Colm asked, and Kaz nodded in response. “Okay, let’s go.”

“Thanks,” Colm quietly said to Dr. Galen before walking ahead with Nadia so Kaz could follow which also allowed for Dr. Galen to watch him and return to her office to jot down more notes about his gait.

As they walked, Colm told Nadia, “Thank you for doing this.”

Nadia waved him off and said, “Of course. I'm happy to be able to help. I'm just glad that was the extent of it. They could have used the scopes to look inside again. He insisted he had no internal pain anymore, so we avoided the need to come back for that. The doctor never said anything about it, but I know she would have strongly recommended it and he would have had a total meltdown if she suggested it in front of him and not you. I doubt she would have, considering how good she was, but still.”

Colm, feeling annoyed that it could even be a possibility, told her, “He did for a while. I didn’t ask him specifics. It was easy enough to figure out why. I got him some meds that softened things and told him he only needed to tell me if the pain persisted.”

Taken aback, she said, “He admitted it to you?”

“It wasn't long after he first arrived.”

“Guess I shouldn't be surprised. You have a way with these kids. I knew if anyone could make him feel safe enough to admit something like that it would be you.”

“Well, I hope he isn't hiding any pain from me. I don’t want him suffering any more than he needs to if it's in my power to help.”

They arrived at the car and Colm unlocked it with his key remote. Kaz didn’t wait another second before crawling into the backseat and shutting the door.

“Guess we should go. He’s had it. Thanks again."

“Any time. I’ll check in soon.”

Colm got into the front then and buckled his seatbelt. He looked at Kaz in the rearview mirror and saw how utterly miserable he looked holding his arms close to his body as if to hug himself. He was hunched over, and his red eyes still shed a tear every few seconds.

Thinking about what he could possibly do to make the day better, he had a memory of when Jesper had to go to the doctor and ended up having a terrible time.

Worth a shot…

“Do you like ice cream?”

Kaz looked at him and gave the tiniest nod.

“Can I take you to get some? We can pick it up on the way home.”

Kaz shrugged.

“Come on. Let's try.”

***

Colm parked and took a look through the windows and saw that there weren’t many people inside of the ice cream shop. He deliberated about whether he should ask Kaz if he wanted to go inside or if he should just run in himself to pick something up for them as he originally suggested. Before he could, Kaz had already unbuckled his belt and made his way out of the car. Colm followed his lead assuming that this was what Kaz wanted to do.

As they walked inside, Colm asked him to grab the table in the back corner. Kaz did as he was asked, and as he did, he made note of every person and exit in the building. He was relieved to see that none of the people there seemed threatening as they were all too focused on their own children or reading something on their phones.

Colm came with a menu and slid it across the table.

“What would you like?”

Kaz had no idea after reading everything. To him, it looked like all of the letters were a jumble of alphabet soup that kept rearranging with each new attempt to read and understand. Colm could see this struggle.

“Would you prefer if I picked something out for you instead?”

Kaz nodded, and so Colm left and ended up coming back with two identical cups of chocolate ice cream covered in sprinkles.

I see where Jes gets it from. Not that I'm complaining, Kaz thought.

They ate quietly for a while. Kaz looked a little less sad when he was halfway done, but a few tears still ran down his cheeks every so often.

Wanting to reassure him, Colm said, "Hey. I'm really proud of you for today. I know how scared you were and that it was the last thing you wanted to do, but you tried, and you did it. That part’s all over. We don’t have to talk about it anymore if you don’t want to. Okay?"

Kaz picked at the sprinkles in his ice cream with his spoon before nodding and saying, “okay”.

Colm also added a quick, sharp nod of his own before saying, “Now, let's pick up dinner on the way home? There are some really nice restaurants around here.”

Kaz nodded.

“Anything you might want to try? There are a couple Shu restaurants. One is more of the coastal cuisine and the other more mainland. Or there's a Ravkan place up the road that's not too bad.”                            

After some thought and hesitation before speaking, Kaz finally managed to say, “I've never had Shu.”

With a sudden sparkle in his eye, Colm said, “Really? Well, we have to change that. Here, I'll show you the menus on my phone and you pick which restaurant you might want?”

“... I'll try.”

Kaz ended up choosing the mainland restaurant which had more noodle dishes to choose from, but that quickly overwhelmed him in the end. Colm helped and ordered him two kinds, one of which was packed with spice that he warned might make him cough a little. Kaz was curious and wanted to try it. Colm also got Jesper and himself a couple dishes apiece and plenty of egg rolls and dumplings for all to share.

Kaz noticed that Colm liked to get a lot of food at once to make sure there were leftovers. He liked that he did that as it ensured he'd never be hungry, and he felt less pressure to finish everything if he couldn't.

Jesper was home by the time they got back, and he was excited by the surprise of Shu food. Setting aside said excitement for just a moment, he checked in with Kaz when he sat at the table.

“Doing alright?”

Kaz shrugged and twisted his cane like he usually did in Genya’s office.

“You did it, though. You did it and now you’re home."

Kaz gave him a nod.

Jesper then added, “I am really happy that you’re about to try this food though. Da said you’ve never had Shu? Oooh, my good man. You haven’t lived yet,” he claimed while jumping up to help Colm dish everything up.

Kaz tried the first noodle dish and enjoyed it, and then he tasted the spicy noodle dish. He liked it for the first few seconds, but it made him start coughing and feeling like he might die.

Jesper, trying not to laugh, ran to the fridge and got him a glass of milk. Kaz looked at him like his was crazy while his eyes watered and his chest spasmed in more coughing fits.

“It will help! Take a drink!”

Kaz did as he was told, and he was able to stop coughing. That’s when Jesper finally let himself laugh. Even Colm let himself giggle a little.

“What happened?” Kaz asked.

“That’s called flavor,” Jesper said.

“What flavor? It's just fire.”

Colm laughed harder and smiled brightly as it was the first time Kaz had ever said anything with something close to a joking tone. 

And yet, despite his initial protest, Kaz took another bite just for his mouth to hang open to cool off his burning tongue. The sight of it made Jesper guffaw.

“I'm not sold on the appeal yet,” Kaz complained.

"You might need to work up to it. Da, are you trying to kill him? How much spice did they add?!" Jesper asked incredulously.

"The normal amount!" Colm exclaimed with a more boisterous laugh.

"You need to ask for light spice for Kerch boys," Jesper playfully admonished.

"Oh please, Kerch boys can handle spice."

Jesper used exaggerated hand gestures toward Kaz as if to say "ta-da".

"Exhibit A!"

Colm shrugged and said, "Kaelish boys can handle it."

Jesper gave Colm a look and said, "I'll be sure to ask my mother in the afterlife how long it took for her to acclimate you to spice."

"That's playing dirty!"

Kaz, watching the exchange, didn’t laugh or even smile. However, the corners of his mouth turned up just barely. It was almost undetectable, but after Colm had seen nothing but sadness on his face for more than a month, this was monumental. After having such an awful couple of days, Kaz was no longer crying, and he was starting to relax. He was sitting there having dinner with them and speaking on his own. It was a huge win.

Maybe I’m not doing so bad after all.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 22

Jesper was sitting at the kitchen table already when Colm came down the next morning. It was unlike him to be up first, but Colm had forgotten to set his alarm the night before after a restless period of thinking and reflecting on far too much. Looking up from his phone, Jesper could see that his da was frazzled and not quite as coordinated as he usually managed.

“Da?”

“Yeah?”

“You alright?”

“Yeah, just a lot on my mind right now… Uh…” He paused to look in the fridge and made a quick decision to pull out eggs and some pre-chopped vegetables to make omelets. “First thing’s first: our appointment is next week on Thursday afternoon at 2 o’clock.”

“Appointment?” Jesper asked, confused.

“We’re talking to a therapist?”

“Oh, right. Yes, okay. That’s fine. Anything else?” he pressed.

Colm almost dropped the bowl he pulled from the cupboard and Jesper had to stifle a laugh, but the bowl that followed down sealed his fate.

Giggling, he said, “Da! Let me help you.”

He picked up the bowl that had luckily bounced instead of breaking and took the other from Colm who was also succumbing to his own laughter.

“I never claimed to be graceful,” Colm said sheepishly.

“Yeah, well maybe let me crack the eggs. Results may vary, but you’re ahead of me on the clumsy score for the day.”

Chuckling, Colm said, “Fine. The deal is the deal. Just get the eggshell fragments out before you scramble them.”

Colm sat down and let himself relax for a few minutes while Jesper broke and whisked the eggs before he prepared the utensils and pan needed to start cooking. He leaned his head back against the chair, shut his eyes, and listened to the blessedly less clumsy sounds of Jesper working. The downtime allowed him to think about what it was that had been preoccupying his mind late into the night.

Might as well just try.

“Mo leanbh, how would you feel about inviting your friends here on Wednesday?”

Jesper whipped around, surprised at his da’s sudden suggestion.  

“What? Really? Why? Not that I’m complaining but it’s been a while. What’s… um, what?”

Colm held his hands up to urge him to calm himself and said, “I think it’s okay to at least try now. Besides, I’d like Kaz to get to know your friends. I’m planning on asking him if he’d like to start doing homeschool or try going to public school with you all. If he gets to know your friends, then maybe he’ll be comfortable with them as familiar faces and they can help him feel welcome. I don’t want to impose, but they’ve always been so welcoming with other fosters.”

“Yeah, absolutely.”

“There’s also something I wanted to tell you.”

“Yeah?” Jesper said while sitting down.

Colm lowered his voice and explained, “I have been looking into getting Kaz a service dog for his PTSD. The application to the program is still being processed, but I’ll hear back soon. I was hoping that Matthias could bring Trassel here. I just want to see how Kaz interacts with him.”

“Woah, that’s cool! Does Kaz know?”

“No, and I’d like to keep it that way. I want this to be a surprise. He’s had such a hard time that he really deserves something good. I know that the dog is technically an aid for accessibility, but it’s still a dog. He needs someone to give him comfort and someone to play with when he’s lonely and it’s too much to be around people.”

“I think that’s a really good idea, Da.”

“Me, too. But, mo leabh, I swear if you breathe a word of this to him, I will have your Bibi down here from Novyi Zem so fast and she’ll…”

His eyes wide, Jesper cut him off and said, “Duly noted! I’ll keep my mouth shut!”

“Don’t even tell your friends. Keep this between us.”

“I promise.”

Colm tapped the table once before standing up to resume his usual kitchen duties. Jesper watched him with exaggerated caution to see if he’d drop anything else, and Colm tossed a piece of onion at him which Jesper deflected easily. The piece went flying into the sink.

“Ten points!” Jesper shouted with his fists in the air.

“Ten?!”

“Ha! Don’t be jealous. I’m going to go check on Kaz. I haven’t heard him yet this morning.”

“He might be asleep.”

“Yeah, but omelet day! You can’t really save those and not have them turn out to be rubbery sheets of regret.”

Chuckling, Colm conceded and said, “Alright.”

After slipping his phone into his pocket, Jesper made his way upstairs to Kaz’s door. He knocked and called out, “Kaz? You up?”

No answer.

“Kaz?”

Jesper tested the knob, and then cautiously opened the door, but it was for nothing. Kaz wasn’t in his bed. He wasn’t at his desk.

Quickly descending the stairs, he called out “Da!”

“What?”

“Da, he’s not in his room.”

Colm’s stomach sank. He turned the stove off and went to Kaz’s door with haste. He knelt to look under the bed and checked in the closet, but there was no sign of him.

Shit, I thought he was doing alright yesterday at the end of the day.

“Kaz?!” Colm called out, but there was still no answer.

Jesper was looking through every room when Colm returned downstairs. Distraught with worry, Jesper looked to his da but found no answers. Then, an idea struck him.

“Outside…” Jesper muttered. “He likes the porch.”

He flung the door open hastily which Colm didn’t think was a good idea in case they did find Kaz and the sudden movement scared him. That worry was soon replaced with another when they still didn’t find him.

I think I’m going to be sick…

Jesper looked around and then stopped and pointed to a place in the distance.

“There! He’s out there! He’s… He’s just on a walk it seems. He’s looking at the fields.”

Sure enough, there Kaz was down the drive. He’d made it pretty far, and he didn’t seem to be in any distress. It was just the first time he’d ever ventured so far from the house on his own. Colm would feel proud if his heart would stop hammering so fast already.

“I’m going to go check on him,” Jesper said.

“Okay,” Colm answered. “Breakfast in fifteen. Don’t return to sheets of rubbery regret.”

Jesper gave him a mock salute and jogged toward Kaz before remembering to slow himself down so as not to spook him. At the same time, Colm willed his heart to slow down before he passed out.

I think I need to teach Kaz to leave notes if he’s going to leave the house. I’m too old for that kind of heart attack. It is wonderful to see him out and about though.

On that thought, Colm returned to the kitchen smiling ear to ear.

***

Kaz awoke just as the sun was inching over the horizon. The air was cool and calm, and he felt somewhat at peace. At least, he was far more at peace than he usually was when he woke up.

For the first time a while, he didn’t have awful dreams despite the appointment he’d had. Instead, he dreamed about his mama before she had been sick. The dream wasn’t a memory. It was only a benign rambling turnstile of thoughts from going to a shop together or her telling him a ridiculous story about a hippo camping in their yard. It left him wondering if such a dream was normal or if it was a side effect of eating such painfully spicy food the night before.

Might be a while before I try that again.

Everyone had told him how proud they were of him, but he was more proud of himself for having gone into the ice cream shop instead of hiding in the car like he really wanted to. Something had come over him in that moment, and he refused to let what happened steal anything else from him despite his continued tears even inside at the table. He tried, and he did it. 

Not wanting to go back to sleep, he sat up and looked outside. The sky was cloudless, and there wasn’t much of a breeze. The fields of colorful blooms were illuminating in the growing light.

Before he could really think about what he was doing, he dressed himself, put on his shoes, and quietly left his room and out the front door to the porch. He stopped himself at the steps and searched around. There was nobody there, and hardly any birds were singing yet. The air was crisp in his lungs, and his leg ached a little, but it wasn’t enough to deter him.

Maybe I can go and look.

With his cane firmly gripped in his hand, he took each step carefully and walked down the driveway. His pace was slow as he was still stiff and was getting used to moving around for longer periods of time. His atrophied muscles were getting stronger every day, but he’d be careful not to push himself so much that he became stuck outside on his own.

His gaze was kept on the ground for a while as he acclimated to walking on the gravel, but he gravitated toward the edge where it felt more stable under his unsteady gait. That’s when he was able to look up and really take in the sights and smells of the flowers surrounding him. Rows and rows of dahlias, asters, carnations, roses, and jurda – all of a multitude of colors and hues. 

Pausing in front of asters, he found he liked the purple ones. They brought him back to his dream from the night before, and he remembered that his mama had been wearing a purple dress. He wasn’t sure if she had ever worn something like that in real life. He could barely remember her face anymore. All that remained was the feeling of once knowing her and still missing her so terribly.

During dinner the night before, Jesper had mentioned seeing his mother in the afterlife. Kaz felt jealous that he believed he’d be able to see her again. He wondered how she had passed away, and it made him wonder even more as to how Jesper could possibly believe that they’d be reunited. Kaz couldn’t fathom the existence of the Saints or Ghezen after watching his mama die from cancer, his father taken from them in a car crash, and Jordie dying in his arms from illness and neglect. There was also the fear that if his mama really was still somewhere in the afterlife with the Saints then she did nothing to stop the terrible things he’d endured.

Still, he found himself speaking to her in his mind.

Would you like it here, Mama? It’s pretty here. I wish you could see it. It smells really nice, too. If you were here, I’d pick some for you to put on your reading table. Maybe some irises if he grows those here or the roses. Oh, right. Didn’t you keep a pot of yellow flowers hanging on the front porch? I remember those… Huh. Mama, I wish you were here. I wish I could really talk to you.

A caw sounded beside him, and his heart leapt. A crow had landed nearby, and he turned to watch the creature hop around until it paused and eyed Kaz with mutual curiosity.

“Hello,” Kaz said without moving.

The crow hopped closer and looked up inquisitively as if expecting Kaz to do something.

“I’m sorry. I don’t have anything. Maybe I can come back later and leave something for you.”

As if to answer, the crow cawed once more and then moved on to its next activity in another field. Kaz watched with rapt attention, and he thought, “So pretty.”

He continued to wander up and down the drive for a while until he saw Jesper coming toward him.

Oh, they must have been looking for me.

Instinct was taking over, and he held his cane in front of himself while ducking his head down. He didn’t look toward Jesper again until his overly chipper voice and flouncy body got close enough.

“Good morning, Kaz!”

“H-Hi.”

“I love it out here in the morning. I haven’t gone for a walk like this in a while.”

Kaz said nothing which made Jesper fidget. Kaz wondered what it was like to have all that energy that seemed to surpass his own even when he had too much and had no idea how to get rid of it. Jesper was a nice kid, though, and he was making an effort to talk to him.

He’s not so bad. He really has been nice to me. I should maybe try some more, too.

“Is Wylan okay?” Kaz asked.

Trying not to be gobsmacked by Kaz speaking like that or asking about Wylan of all things, he quickly fixed his face and said, “Uh, yeah. Why?”

After a few beats, Kaz answered, “You looked upset when he called you.”

“Oh! Oh, right. Yeah. He was having a bad day and needed my help. What are boyfriends for, anyway? But he’s okay now.”

Jesper could clearly see the look of curiosity Kaz had, and so Kaz decided to go ahead and ask so he could understand everything Jesper was saying.

“What does that mean? ‘Boyfriend’?”

Jesper gave him an odd look which made Kaz turn away as his cheeks flushed red.

I guess I asked a stupid question.

“It means he and I are together. Like my sweetheart? We spend time together romantically, so… I dunno, I kiss him and stuff,” he explained through a shy giggle. “So more than a friend. Someone I might want to marry some day? Does that make sense?”

Kaz, now less red in the face, turned back and said, “Yeah.”

“Cool. And hey, if you don’t know something else you can always ask me. I’ll explain it as best I can.”

Kaz nodded and looked back toward the fields. Then Jesper remembered the omelets.

“Oh! Let’s go back to the house? Breakfast is going to be ready soon.”

Jesper led the way, and Kaz followed while not going any faster than he knew he was capable of. At the same time, Jesper made a conscious effort to control his lanky legs that wanted to stride quickly ahead.

***

The Four Whores of the Apocalypse

9:03 am

Jesper: What's up, bitches?!?!

Wylan: Oh my god, Jes.

Nina: Biiiiiiitch!!!

Jesper: Do you know what time it is?

Matthias: time for you to enlighten us.

Jesper: hush, fur slab. 

Matthias: fur slab?

Nina: Have you seen your chest?

Jesper: guys!!! you're coming over on Wednesday!!

Nina: YEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!

Wylan: We are?

Jesper: Yes. The flower monger that is my da has summoned you all. Rejoice! 

Matthias: how do you know we don’t already have plans on Wednesday?

Nina: we do have plans, dearest. We're going to Jesper’s and we're probably getting cookies from Colm so can you just get with the program?! I have been deprived of Colm love for too long!

Matthias: what program?

Nina: THE PROGRAM WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO JESPER’S, MATTHIAS

Jesper: can you bring Trassel?

Nina: yes!!

Matthias: is "no" even an option?

Wylan: Have you met Jesper? Or Nina?

Jesper: Not helpful, my love

Wylan: Not trying to be.  😘

Nina: Like you wouldn’t want to bring him, anyway. Shut up matti. Wait, is Kaz going to be there??

Jesper: Yes!!! Okay but like maybe. I haven't asked him to hang out with us yet. I will, but he might not come down. We're hoping he will

Nina: me, too

Wylan: He's really quiet so he might not say much to anyone.

Matthias: oh right. I forgot you met him

Nina: JEALOUS. I need more foster brethren. I need someone who understands my angst.

Jesper: about that, guys... I just want to reiterate that he came from a really, REALLY bad situation. He doesn't talk about it. Just remember to not touch him or get too close. Also don’t sneak up on him, okay? Be loud enough but not too loud

Nina: of course

Matthias: Is there anything we can do to make him more comfortable?

Jesper: talk to him but don’t force interaction. Let him be included without pressure. And no sudden moves and make sure he knows where you are if you move around the room. Be casual and normal with just a few extra steps if that makes sense. Hoping Trassel might help, too. 

Nina: done

Matthias: alright

Wylan: What time on Wednesday?

Jesper: the earlier the better. Just come to me!!! 

Nina: Can’t wait! Tell Colm I would like chocolate chip and extra fudge cookies, please. ❤️❤️❤️

Matthias: Nina, it’s not polite to make demands like that as a guest.

Jesper: As if my da won’t ask me immediately when I tell him you’re all on for Wednesday.

9:15 am

Jesper: Chocolate chip and extra fudge cookies are on. Matthias and Wylan, send me your requests posthaste

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 23

The one thing about having been on the brink of starvation for so long was that Kaz had forgotten what it felt like to crave food so often between meals. His time with Colm had been blessedly leaving him full for the entire day when he could bring himself to eat. What he hadn’t anticipated was that as he continued to gain some strength and feel less stressed, his stomach would be more inclined to complain until he fed the beast.

He reluctantly abandoned his studies of the magic book he’d found on the bookshelf downstairs. The cards were then placed carefully in order next to the book so he could come right back to the same place. He’d been getting better at a card counting trick, but he wanted to master it before trying it on either Colm or Jesper.

The kitchen was open for him to peruse, and it had been made clear to him from the first day that he could eat anything he wanted at any time. Now that he was there for the first time on his own to get something, he found that he couldn’t move from the middle of the room. He wasn’t sure where to start, and just knowing that there were so many choices was enough to make him too overwhelmed to open even one cupboard or the fridge.

Just then, Jesper pranced by and then back tracked as he saw Kaz frozen in place. He slipped inside and to the side of the doorway.

“Kaz? What’s wrong?”

Kaz turned around and said, “Oh, um… I’m hungry?”

“Ah! Me, too. What did you want?”

Kaz looked at him with total helplessness and said, “I have no idea.”

“Alright, let’s see what’s in the freezer. I have a feeling the item of my quest is in there…” He moved to pull open the freezer drawer and said, “Ah ha! Yes, this is the one. Have you ever had a Hot Pocket?”

Kaz shook his head.

“Okay, let’s microwave these.”

Kaz made himself as comfortable as he could at the table while Jesper handed the plating and microwaving of the Hot Pockets. He’d never even heard of the things, but he was willing to try them.

Once one was placed in front of him, Jesper gave him a dire warning.

“These things can be deceptively hot. Be very careful when you bite into it.”

Kaz waited a few minutes and then bit into the end. It was fine, and it didn’t taste entirely awful. Jesper was enjoying it far more, but Kaz wasn’t going to complain. However, he had the unfortunate mishap of getting to the center of it and releasing the fires of Hell onto his tongue.

Flinging the Hot Pocket onto the plate after it burned him, Kaz uncontrollably yelped, “Ghezen, fuck!”

Jesper paused mid bite and looked at him with his eyebrows raised to his hairline in surprise.

“Did you just cuss?!” he asked.

Kaz looked up at him, and then his question registered. Low, deadly words then made themselves known in his memories.

“What did you just say to me? You’ll watching your mouth when I address you, you ungrateful little rat!”

Those words awakened a familiar rush of burning pain across his back and face causing him to shrink into himself.

He whispered, “Sorry” while trembling and pulling his hands down to his lap.

I didn’t mean to cuss out loud. It just hurt. What is he going to do?

Jesper could see that Kaz was scared again. Thinking quickly, Jesper put his own Hot Pocket down and pointed at it accusingly.

“Ghezen fuck, indeed. I told you this shit is hot!”

He’s not mad at me? Okay…

Kaz’s shoulders relaxed, and he asked, “Why do we eat them then?”

“Because they’re fucking delicious!”

“How can you taste anything if you keep burning your taste buds off?” Kaz asked.

Jesper laughed really hard because he didn’t expect Kaz to joke like that. It made him happy to see that Kaz was more comfortable speaking so much right after having been scared. Kaz made a mental note of his reaction.

“It’s the Ravkan Roullet of foods. You don’t know if you’re going to be biting into ice or magma. It’s part of the fun. The rush!”

“I’m not sure I like that.”

Jesper laughed again and said, “Alright. Maybe we’ll stick to pizza bites instead. Those at least cook more evenly. Do you still want to eat that thing, or do you want something else?”

Kaz looked down at the offending sorry excuse for bread, sauce, and cheese and said, “I can finish it. I won’t waste it.”

“It’s okay if you don’t like it. I can either finish it for you or just toss it. It was an experiment and it’s okay not to like something. You don’t have to force yourself to eat something you don’t like. That’s its own kind of torture.”

But if I don’t eat, I might not get to eat again later…

Seeing the unsure look melding with darker thoughts, Jesper said, “I hope you can enjoy it a little bit. Oh, what time is your appointment today?”

Kaz looked at the clock on the oven while taking a careful bite of the Hot Pocket and said, “We leave in an hour.”

“Cool. If you want to watch something tonight, that would be awesome. Or, um… I don’t know if you had any plans for tonight.”

“Okay.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Kaz noted the toothy smile Jesper had before shoving the rest of his food into his mouth. It was strange to see how happy he was about his agreement to spend time together. What Kaz found even more strange was that he realized he was starting to want to do the same more and more. He liked Jesper, and he wasn’t as afraid of him anymore.

“Um, can I talk to you about something? About tomorrow,” Jesper asked, hesitation evident in his tone.

“Sure…?”

***

“Hi, Kaz. How are you today?” Genya asked.

Kaz, red-eyed and shaky, shrugged and said, “Okay, I guess.”

Genya’s slight exhalation wasn’t enough to relieve the tension in her shoulders. Kaz’s willingness to speak despite his appearance was a good sign, but she still braced for what was the likely inevitable resistance or anger about what she wanted to address. She’d work up to it as it seemed something was on his mind.

“Do you have any plans for the week?”

Kaz looked unsettled as he thought about his answer. Genya waited patiently and didn’t push him to speak.

Finally, voice slightly quivering, he said, “Jesper’s friends are coming over tomorrow.”

“That’s new. This will be the first time you’re meeting them?”

He nodded.

“I don’t… I’m not sure if I…”

Genya took a shot and said, “If you want to meet them?”

He nodded again and looked toward the window.

“Is the idea of new people coming over something that causes you anxiety? Fear?”

“Y-yes.”

“Can you tell me why?”

He looked down then, and she noticed that his legs were locked tightly together while his back was flush with the chair again.  He opened and closed his mouth a few times as if to speak, and then stopped by shaking his head sharply.

“Kaz, I want to remind you that everything you say here is confidential. I will not repeat anything outside of this room. I want to ask you something now. Do you feel unsafe with Jesper’s friends coming over?”

“Yeah...” he said after some hesitation.

“Why is that?”

“B-because… Because. Rollins… Whenever his ‘friends’ came over…”

He trailed off then as he wouldn’t speak of the atrocities done to him aloud anymore. Genya knew well enough what was done, and she didn’t feel it necessary then to ask him to clarify.

“Do you think Jesper would let them do anything to hurt you?” she asked instead.

Kaz took the time to think about his answer before shaking his head.

“Did he invite you to meet them?”

“Yeah…”

“If you don’t think he’ll let them do anything to hurt you, are you willing to try for a little while?”

“I don’t know. I’m scared,” he answered while twisting his cane around.  

“That’s understandable.”

“Jesper…” he started to speak unprompted which Genya was pleasantly surprised about. She kept herself still and waited for him to finish his thoughts. “Jesper told me today. I got scared and panicked. I tried not to be, but I can’t help it. He looked… looked sad.”

“Did you talk about how you both felt?”

“No. No, I went up to my room. I needed to be alone.”

“That’s also understandable. I do, however, think it would be a good idea for you to tell him why you’re afraid. Let him understand.”

He shook his head again hard and rebutted, “I can’t.”

“Why is that?”

Kaz sniffled and shut his eyes. He was getting more agitated and was trying to stop himself from becoming too emotional.

“I… If I tell him, he might… use it against me.”

“Do you think he would?”

He was quiet for a while, but a minute later he said, “No, but I can never be sure. I’m trying. I’m trying to trust them. It’s hard. I like Jesper, but I have to be careful. I have to be.”

Genya nodded and thought on that while quietly picking at her thumb in her lap. Kaz saying that he liked Jesper was a wonderful step forward, but fully trusting him was a bit further down the line. She still believed it to be achievable.

“I do hope that you’ll be comfortable enough to talk to him more. You coming here and speaking with me is wonderful. I love how much you’re starting to open up here because I want you to get the help that you need. I also think that developing a stronger bond with both Jesper and Colm is a wonderful thing, too. Those relationships are the so important for you now, and I’d love to see you continue to give them more chances and reasons to trust them.”

Kaz could only nod.

Genya sat back in her chair. She hadn’t realized that she had started to lean toward Kaz like a physical reflection of her desire for him to grow closer and more trusting with those who were trying to help him.

I do want to check in with him after last week. It’s important we address it.

“Now, I would like to ask you: are you feeling okay after Friday? Colm let me know that you did really well.”

Kaz scoffed a little and said, “It was terrible.”

“I can imagine. I am proud of you for going through with it.”

“Why be proud? I didn’t have a choice.”

His tone was turning slightly aggressive, and his words were clipped. Genya knew she had to tread carefully now.

“Was Dr. Galen respectful of your desire not to be touched?”

Kaz thought for a while and then said, “Yes. I still didn’t feel safe.”

“Why is that?”

“Because… Do I have to talk about this?”

While she sympathized with Kaz’s reluctance to talk about it and hated seeing his sad eyes, she knew she needed to try. They’d been working toward this with little steps, and it was time for a few more.

“I know it’s hard, but I think it would be a good idea to express why. Just start off small. You don’t need to give me a lot of details. Even if you’re not ready to talk to Colm or Jesper about your fears, you can start here. Start small. Start with basic reasons.”

If the look in Kaz’s eyes could kill, Genya knew she’d be a whisper of a memory of dust where she sat. His entire body went defensively rigid while exuding a deep-seeded anger that she knew was justified even if his next words were surprisingly blunt.

“The basic reason? I was raped. Assaulted. Right? That’s what you called it? People looking at my naked body is violating just like people touching me is violating. I remember that word, too. I don’t like any of it, and I don’t want it! It wasn’t my choice to go to that appointment. What makes that any different than what happened if I still didn’t have a choice?”

And just like that, the ferocity in him withered to embers, and he turned his face toward the door to show that he was done for the day.

I have nothing I can say that would make him feel better about any of this. I could explain the reasons why, but I’d just sound like an ignorant ass. I don’t know what it was like to live his life, so what right do I have to even try to tell him I understand why he is angry or why there are good reasons for having gone? At the end of the day, he expressed himself, and that is a step forward even if it hurt.

***

Knock knock.

I don’t want to answer. I want to be left alone. I’m sick of Genya and I’m sick of being made to remember and talk about things I don’t want to talk about. I don’t like it. And I don’t want new people coming. I’m still scared.

Knock knock.

“Kaz? It’s me,” called Jesper.

Anxiety swelled when his door slowly swung open and Jesper peeked inside to find him sat in the corner of this bed holding Crow. He’d abandoned the cards and magic book to the desk having lost the motivation to keep trying for the day. All he could think about were the strange people Jesper was bringing to their home tomorrow.

“Hey, can we talk?” Jesper tried.

He still looks sad.

Kaz nodded while shoving Crow down so Jesper couldn’t see it as clearly. At the same time, Jesper took a few long strides over to the chair to sit down.

“I’m really sorry about earlier. I can cancel tomorrow. They don’t have to come if it’s too soon. We thought it would be okay now, but if it’s not then let’s drop it. I made the mistake of waiting to tell you until you had to go to therapy. I was thinking that you’d be better off that way in case you needed to talk to Genya about it. I didn’t give you a lot of time to think about it and I ended up scaring you. I’m really sorry about that.”

Not liking how sad Jesper looked, Kaz just nodded once to show that he was heard.

“Can I tell you about them?”

What would that hurt? If he tells me, then maybe he’ll feel better and so will I.

“Okay,” Kaz whispered.

“Their names are Nina and Matthias. I’ve known them since middle school. They’re really nice but they’re also really funny. I think you’ll like them a lot. And of course, Wylan will be here. You did alright with Wylan when you met, so I just figured… Fuck, Kaz. I am really sorry. I feel awful.”

“It’s okay.”

And it was. Kaz was still nervous and, quite frankly, frightened, but he’d been thinking about what Genya had said and how he’d answered even though he was angry with her for asking about the appointment. He really didn’t think Jesper was going to let his friends hurt him. He’d been nothing but nice to him, and it was almost like there was no room left for any tricks to be planned against him. Jesper was even apologizing to him multiple times.

It’s usually me having to tell someone that I’m sorry. Now he’s saying it to me like he means it.

“Matthias even has this giant dog he’s going to bring over tomorrow. His name is Trassel. He’s basically a loveable, bumbling moose of a wolf dog. I think you’ll like him.”

Dog? I… like dogs. But what if…

“I figured you might like him because you like animals,” Jesper said while gesturing toward him.

Kaz realized he was referring to Crow, and he protectively hid it more out of sight and blushed. Jesper realized he was embarrassed and felt bad for pointing it out. He didn’t mean anything by it.

“Hey, I think it’s cool.” Then a thought occurred to him, and he stood up quickly while freezing as Kaz flinched. “Shit, sorry. Um, just wait here a minute. Hold on, I’ll be back.”

He took exaggeratedly careful steps out of Kaz’s room before breaking into a run down the hallway. Kaz stared at the doorway bewildered at what had gotten into Jesper. He wasn’t left waiting long as the same running and then overly careful strides brought him back.

In Jesper’s arms were three stuffed animals: a rabbit, a panda, and a goat.

“This…” He held up the rabbit. “This is Mr. Buns. My ma gave him to me when I was a baby and I’ve kept him ever since. She used to call me her ‘little rabbit’.”

The smile on his face was fond albeit melancholy.

I want to ask about her, but I don’t know…

“You know about Mr. Spot thanks to my da. My ma got him for me, too. And this is Milo,” Jesper declared proudly while holding up the goat. “My da gave that one to me at a country fair when I was about six or seven I think. I cried because I wanted it so badly, but my da had to win the balloon toss game first. He lost like five times, so I was still crying. The man at the booth just gave me the goat anyway. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so relieved.”

Jesper chuckled at the memory. Kaz could picture him doing that based on the photographs they had downstairs. He could also picture a very tired Colm silently mouthing “thank you” to the game runner who had mercy on him.

I wonder if I ever cried like that when I was little. I’m not sure. I know I did when Mama died, but… Not now. Not now.

Pulling him out of his thoughts, Jesper said, “How about this: if you’re still up for it, I’d love to go downstairs and watch a movie or maybe something stupid on TV. We can bring the crow, Milo, Mr. Spot, and Mr. Bun and have them watch with us. I used to do that all the time when I was kid. I’d set up a whole movie theater in the living room with my stuffed toys.”

Jesper looked entirely too excited at the prospect of Kaz agreeing to his plan. Kaz was hesitant.

“It’s not weird?” he asked.

“Hell no. Let’s go? I’ll make popcorn,” Jesper said with a sing-song voice in an attempt to lure Kaz down with him.

He’s still being nice. I’ll try. I’ll… keep trying.

It didn’t take long for Kaz to settle in the recliner with one of his blankets draped over himself, Crow tucked beside him, and a bowl of popcorn in his lap. Jesper lined up Milo, Mr. Spot, and Mr. Bun on the couch so they could “see” the tv better, and then he set to work on finding something to watch.

As Jesper searched, Colm walked out of his office and came over to see what they were up to. Kaz saw him take note of the stuffed animals before he went upstairs. A few minutes later, he returned with a well-loved brown teddy bear that he added to the lineup before sitting down, too. He and Jesper shared a look while Kaz watched in contemplative curiosity.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 24

A rusty car made its way up the driveway leaving a cloud of dust in its wake. Kaz wondered how the contraption was moving as well as it was considering it looked like, if given permission, the wheels would collapse from beneath it like a cat splaying its legs out.

A knock sounded, and Kaz turned to say, “C-come in.”

If Jesper’s face was any indication of the day, one might think it was Nachtspel morning.

“They’re here if you want to come down. And again, they’re really nice. Well, Nina teases people ruthlessly, but she’s still nice. I can tell her to leave you alone. Matthias is huge and looks intimidating, but he wouldn’t hurt a fly. His dog Trassel is kind of a dope, but he’s a majestic dope. And Wylan… You’ve met Wylan. I’ve already told you all of this, though. I’m, um, rambling as per usual. Anyway, I just want you to be comfortable and… I’ll shut up. Anyway, okay bye!”

With that, Jesper flounced out of the room and shut the door with an unnecessary flourish. If Kaz hadn’t been so nervous, he may have arched an eyebrow at his antics. Instead, he was drawn to the window and watched a girl with long brown curls tumbling around her fly out of the beat-up car and up the porch steps while squealing. A tall, muscular boy with ice blonde hair followed her after releasing a gorgeous white dog from the back.

Wow. Pretty dog…

Wylan was the last to climb out of the backseat, and he brushed his clothes off roughly while eyeballing Trassel. Kaz assumed the dog had shed all over him. The white fur would have shown up easily on his brown pants. He imagined that Trassel had been laying across his lap in the car whether Wylan wanted him to or not. 

Even when they were out of sight, Kaz was aware of their presence. It was impossible not to be with how loud Nina and Jesper were being downstairs. The volume was unsettling, but there was no agitation in their tone. It was all excitement and silly banter that drew laughter from all of them.

I can do this. I want to try. Colm and Jesper haven’t given me a reason to be afraid of them. Maybe it’s the same with Jesper’s friends. Wylan was nice to me. Still, that makes it five of them against me. And there’s that dog? I like dogs, but what if this dog is trained to bite and they make him attack me? I don’t know if I want to go down. Fuck. Fuck, I need to try.

Kaz walked to the door and put his hand on the knob, but he froze. He couldn’t move anymore, and his hands were starting to sweat beneath his gloves.

I’m tired of being afraid all the time. I’m tired of having to be constantly on guard. Come on. Just... Fucking fuck I’ll go.

Cane clenched in his hand like it was the only thing keeping him alive, he forced himself to open the door. He made his way through the hallway on shaky steps and followed the sounds of laughter. Jesper was the first to notice Kaz descending the stairs and he beamed.

“Everyone! This is Kaz!”

There was a chorus of hellos, and Kaz nodded at them and said hello as well but so quietly that they could barely hear him. They all stood up to politely address him, but the movement startled him, and he took a step back.

“It’s alright, Kaz. They’re just saying hi,” Jesper reassured him. “This is Nina.”

Kaz could now clearly see her striking green eyes, and she gave him a hesitant smile and a friendly wave.

The new boy was far taller than he had seemed through the window. In fact, Kaz saw him as an intimidating giant with eyes a blue shade that was just as icy as his white-blonde hair.

“I’m Matthias.”

A visible shiver ran through Kaz as Matthias spoke, and everyone noticed but did not mention it. Kaz tried to stop himself from shivering anymore, but he wasn’t successful. 

Accent. Fjerdan, I think. I wish I could ask him questions, but I need to keep an eye on him. He could kill me easily if he wanted to or worse…

“And you already know Mr. Van Sunshine, here.”

Wylan smiled, but his attention was brought to his right when the giant, wolf-like dog wandered into the room.

“Oh!” exclaimed Jesper. “This is Matthias’s dog Trassel. He’s a sweetheart. Don’t be afraid to pet him if you want.”

Trassel went right up to Kaz to sniff him, and Kaz didn’t back away. He froze and let the dog do what he wanted until he sat down and stared up at him. With some hesitation, Kaz managed to remove one hand from his cane and held it in front of the dog’s nose. Trassel licked his hand and nudged his fingers until Kaz lightly pet him between his ears. Kaz wished he didn’t need to wear gloves in that moment.

“He likes you! Excellent,” Jesper said with relief which made Kaz wonder what the chances were that he was about to become lunchmeat.

“Oh please, he likes everyone,” Nina said with a playful huff.

“He’s a good judge of character,” Matthias said with pride. “We just surround ourselves with the good ones.”

Kaz wondered if they were saying all of this for his benefit. He couldn’t be sure, and he would not drop his guard.

“Hey Kaz, we’re going to play some Mario Kart. Do you want to join?” Jesper asked.

Kaz stood uncomfortably still until he quietly admitted, “I-I don’t know what that is.”

The friends all shared a look before Wylan said, “It’s a video game. We can teach you how to play. It’s very chaotic, but it’s fun. It’s racing but also obliterating your opponents by throwing objects at their go-carts. Or you can just watch for now? Whatever you want. No pressure.”

“I’ll watch,” Kaz decided.

He didn’t want to get in anyone’s way or upset them if he did something wrong in the game. This way, he could also sit down and keep an eye on everyone while resting his aching leg. Everyone accepted his answer easily and went to claim their own spots on the couch and floor in front of the TV while Kaz took up his usual seat in the recliner away from everyone.

Much to his surprise, Trassel came over and sat next to him. It wasn’t long before his head was resting on his knee which was a clear request for Kaz to pet him. He didn’t mind giving in to the sweet dog’s demands. He found that it actually helped him feel a bit more at ease.

“Let me know if he’s bothering you, Kaz. I can move him,” Matthias promised.

Kaz tried not to flinch when Matthias spoke to him, but instinct was a difficult thing to overcome. Afraid he might have offended him, Kaz just kept his eyes down and nodded. He then kept up his rhythmic scratching that left Trassel a puddle in his lap.

“And let us know if you want to try! There are four spots but we can rotate out so everyone gets a turn,” Jesper explained.

The game they played was, indeed, chaotic. Kaz could hardly follow what was going on between the four split screens that showed strange looking people and creatures in roofless cars and motorcycles racing through even stranger worlds while pelting each other with violent objects. He couldn’t comprehend how any of them kept track of what was going on, and it turned out they couldn’t either considering Jesper yelled that he had failed to do so.

“Oh, crap! I was looking at the wrong screen again! No!!”

“This is what happens when you pick Rainbow Road,” Matthias teased. “It’s too busy.”

“I’m sorry I was called to the land of my people!” Jesper retorted while flying off the edge again into the abyss.

“Excuse you, the land of our people,” Nina corrected. “There are at least two and a half gays in this room and I’m not sure you count since it seems to keep rejecting you right off the… Blue shell!”

“No!” yelped Wylan.

The four of them broke into a riot of laughter and excited shouting as Wylan’s character was blasted out of first place. The noise was getting to Kaz, but he made himself sit through it. Trassel was helping to take his focus off the stimulation, but eventually the dog stood up to stretch and go search for the food and water dish Matthias had brought for him.

That left Kaz alone in a room full of noise and madness that he’d never been around before. His leather gloves twisted and creaked as they stretched around his cane which he had begun to twist nervously. The raucousness was pulling him into dark memories of shouts blending into static.

Wylan was the first to notice.

“Hey! Let’s quiet down a little. I can’t concentrate,” he said while looking pointedly at Jesper while adding a directional nod to the side.

Jesper cocked his head and looked back at Kaz who was rigid.

“You’re right, love.”

Nina and Matthias also glanced at Kaz and realized that they had all gotten a little out of hand. They didn’t really say much afterward, and the race petered out to an end with Wylan still managing to capture first place. They refrained from celebration or playful jeers.

Jesper, feeling guilty for letting himself get carried away in his excitement, looked back at Kaz who was still stiff and glassy eyed.

My da is going to ask him about school soon. If he has any hope of surviving it, he’ll have to get used to the noise. I’m really worried. This was probably just too much too soon. I knew better than that. Shit, what do we do now?

“Should we finish out the tournament or do something else?” Wylan asked.

“I don’t know about you, but I, for one, am starving. I know damn well that Colm was up early this morning or up later than usual because I can smell it,” Nina said while slowly standing up and going toward the kitchen. “I’m going to find those cookies and I’m going to devour them.”

“Splendid idea!” Jesper said while setting his controller down. “Kaz, would you like some of the cookies my da made last night? Kaz?”

Wylan and Matthias watched as Jesper shuffled a bit closer to Kaz on his knees and tap the floor. He didn’t react. Jesper tried again with a little more force and a gentle calling of, “Are you alright? Kaz?”

After blinking a few times, and coming back to himself, Kaz looked at Jesper with confusion and anxiety.

“Hey, do you need to take a break?” Jesper asked.

Before Kaz could answer, Matthias stood up with the intention of giving them space. Despite him doing so slowly and extremely conscientious of potentially scaring Kaz, it was for naught.

Kaz’s head snapped toward Matthias, and he pressed himself back into the chair and drew his legs up to block his body. Matthias froze, and Wylan looked between them unsure of what he could possibly do to help.

“Hey, hey. Kaz, look at me. It’s okay,” Jesper soothed. “None of us are going to hurt you.”

“No…” Kaz whimpered.

“Kaz. I promise. It’s alright. Hey, can I get you some cookies? There’s some really good ones with rainbow candies or chocolate chips I think you’d like. Can I get you some?”

Breathing hard, Kaz eyed Matthias while trying to make himself as small as possible to hide. His eyes were welling up, and he started shaking.

Jesper turned around and said, “Matthias, can you go get a plate with some cookies for him. Slowly. Show him you’re not a threat. Sorry, just… Please help?”

“Of course.”

As Matthias did as he was asked, Wylan moved further away to make sure Kaz would feel a little safer from him, too. He could hear Nina helping Matthias collect several cookie options as Jesper tried what he could to calm Kaz down.

“Kaz, you’re safe. Nobody is touching you. I’m sorry we got too loud and scared you. And Matthias isn’t going to hurt you. I promise. I know he looks scary because he’s huge, but he’s a loveable bear. I promise. See? Look.”

Jesper pointed toward Matthias who awkwardly stood far away while holding out a plate clearly showing several cookies.

“I got these for you,” Matthias said. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

 “Can I grab them for you and put them on your lap? Or the table here and you can grab them?”

Instead of answering, Kaz caught sight of Nina coming back. He stood up in a rush and went to the front door while keeping an eye on everyone around him. He felt like he was suffocating and just needed to get out. The sad and unsure faces around the room had no bearing on his urge toward flying out the door, and the eyes on him caused him to clumsily fumble with the doorknob in his frantic attempt to open the door.

Once it turned, he pushed himself out backwards and stumbled as he made his way to the porch swing. He wanted to walk down the drive, but he had hurt his leg in his haste and when he nearly fell coming out in the first place. He gracelessly slumped onto the swing which just hurt him even more.

Breathe. Breathe, you’re alone now. Alone. Ow, fuck.

His fingers dug into the flesh of his thigh through his pants as the pain only seemed to increase with every passing second. He kneaded it as much as he could without causing further pain while trying to take in deep breaths to calm himself.

All he could hear was the blood rushing through his ears in that familiar static of fear. His own breathing sounded miles away.

I’m okay. It’s quiet out here. I’m safe. Nobody is here. I’m safe. Safe.

Nobody came outside to check on him even after about ten minutes, though Jesper kept looking out the window to see if he was alright. Kaz just couldn’t see him doing so as his eyes were shut as he rested his head against the back of the swing.

Gradually, more sounds became identifiable to him. He could feel the wind gliding gently over his cheeks before turning into soft whispers in his ears. Squirrels chittering and scratching the tree bark became clearer, and those sounds were followed by the typical birdsongs of the afternoon. Droning cicadas came next until the muffled voices of Jesper and the others came back. He couldn’t make out the words yet.

Nobody sounds upset. I don’t think so, anyway. I hope not. Did I… I overreacted again, didn’t I? Nothing actually happened.

The voices became a bit clearer then.

“…because he’s so weird!” Nina exclaimed loudly which triggered laughter in Jesper.

I’m weird? Oh.

The sensation of droplets falling on Kaz’s thighs pulled him away from trying to hear anything else. He looked down and saw that there was a wet spot on both legs. Then another drop fell, and he reached up and touched his chin and his cheeks. Tears smeared onto his gloves.

Oh.

He was hurt by Nina’s words. His heart was beating harder, and the tears flowed faster.

“Kaz?”

He looked up and found Colm looking at him from the top of the steps. Kaz wiped his face again, but it did nothing as more tears kept coming.

“What happened?” Colm asked with so much concern that Kaz felt a sudden urge to go to him for a hug, but the notion was quickly shoved aside by his fear of touch and the threat of proximity.

Kaz looked up at him, lips quivering as he tried to speak, and managed to say, “I… I’m stupid.”

“What? Why?”

Colm moved to the space across from him and sat against the slats on the railing. His heart was breaking as he watched Kaz unable to stop himself from weeping.

“It was too loud. Didn’t like it. I needed to leave. They think I’m weird.”

“Why do you think that?” Colm asked.

“I heard them. They think I’m weird.”

Colm didn’t say anything for a while, and Kaz saw how his face went from concerned to disappointed to irritate. With a verbal warning, Colm stood up and went for the door.

“I’m going to go inside now. I’ll be back. Just rest here. You’re okay…”

Kaz couldn’t hear what Colm said to them went he went inside, but he was there for the longest five minutes of his life. There were a thousand different thoughts rushing through his head then. The thoughts ranged from the innocent hope that Colm was telling them to be nice to him to the worst fear of depravity and what the five of them were now conspiring to do to him. Those thoughts and the pain in his leg made the need to run or remain frozen in place pull against him with equal force.  

When the door opened again, Kaz saw Nina step out. Before he could really wonder about why she was there, she started speaking with her hands clasped in front of her.

“Kaz, I am so sorry. I do not think you’re weird. I swear that we were talking about this guy who came to my foster house a few months ago. He’s been harassing me whenever he can and I just… I don’t like him. He’s weird, not you. I think you’re really cool. Seriously.”

Kaz sniffled and wiped his nose and his cheeks again. He studied her face, and everything pointed to her being genuine. He didn’t know her very well, but she didn’t have any obvious tells that revealed her to be a liar. Still, there was always the possibility that she was lying as a survival skill, especially if she came from a foster home, or “house” as she called it. That had caught his attention.

“We’re all sorry that we got so loud. We have a tendency to get a bit rowdy together. We really loved that you were there with us, though.”

“… Really?”

“Yeah! And we saved you cookies, still. I promise I didn’t eat all of them.”

“You… You don’t… You’re not mad that I left?”

She unclasped her hands and waved at him dismissively and said, “Hell, no. You think I don’t have to leave to get some air or be on my own sometimes? Especially with these boys and the endless supply of energy that is Jesper Fahey? That and… well. My house isn’t exactly peaceful.”

There. Her face fell just a little. She’s sad. She’s not lying.

“Do you think you can come back inside? Colm is going to be ordering us pizza.”

“What’s pizza?”

“What’s pizza?!” Jesper shouted from inside before charging onto the porch. “Remember the Hot Pocket? I told you we needed pizza bites. Hot Pockets are like pizza but 10 times worse.”

Nina gave Jesper an appraising look and said, “Well, at least you’re honest about the garbage you eat.”

“Excuse me, I am prone to fine dining when appropriate.”

“Fine dining? Hot Pockets are for when you look through every cupboard at least five times over the course of an hour only to give up and say “fine, I’ll dine on that. That’s your fine dining.”

Jesper, ignoring her beyond scrunching his nose, turned to Kaz and said, “I promise that actual pizza is better. You won’t burn your tongue and it’s delicious. Like, Nina Zenik levels of approval delicious. Please?”

Matthias and Wylan were now peeking out from around the door and looked hopeful. Jesper looked like he wanted to beg him while also actively restraining himself to make sure Kaz felt his boundaries and needs were being respected.

Just then, Trassel wandered outside and went up to Kaz. After petting him for a minute, Kaz looked up at them and said, “I’ll try.”

“Yay!” Nina said with a small clap while Jesper tried not to explode or implode from his excitement.

Do they really want me here that badly?

“Come inside?” Jesper asked calmly.

“Um… In a minute?”

“Alright!”

***

Colm had ordered more than enough pizza to feed them all twice over. Kaz remained seated in the recliner so he could avoid so much activity in the kitchen. Meanwhile, Wylan set up an episode of the Twilight Zone on the TV for them all to watch during dinner.

When the kitchen cleared out, Kaz went in to pick out the pieces he wanted to try. He didn’t take more than two pieces hoping it would satisfy the growl in his stomach. When it didn’t, he tried not to look longingly at the pizza everyone else was eating as he didn’t want to take more than he was allowed. He wasn’t sure what he could take.

Nina noticed him sitting with an empty plate already and the way Kaz glanced around the room, so she slipped away into the kitchen. To Kaz’s surprise, three more large pieces dropped onto his plate. Nina had put them there without a second thought or a single word. She just took her place on the couch again and went back to her commentary of the show.

When Nina did glance over, Kaz mouthed, “Thanks,” with the smallest upturn of the corners of his lips.

It was only there for a split second but seeing that and Kaz dig into the pizza that he was clearly sold on now warmed Colm’s heart as he watched from across the room.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 25

“Do it again!”

“Jesper, he’s done it four times already,” Colm said with an exasperated sigh as he looked up from his shopping list.

Kaz, slightly preening, shuffled his cards again and set up the magic trick he’d learned so expertly that Jesper had no idea how he was doing it. He couldn’t see the trip in the illusion. Kaz took him through every motion again with added flourishes of cards flying between his hands which left both Jesper and Colm impressed every time. 

“This is your card,” Kaz announced quietly but with confidence.

Jesper’s jaw dropped and said, “How in the name of the Saints…”

“Jesper…” Colm warned.

“Okay, sorry, yes, but come on. How is he doing that? Grisha are real and one is sitting at our table.”

Kaz bowed his head and the tiniest smile turned up on his lips for just a moment as he put his cards back to rights. It felt good to be complimented.

“Okay, but how? Really?”

“Magicians don’t share their secrets, mo leanbh.”

“No, just your grandda’s book written in Kaelish no less. Do you even speak Kaelish, Kaz?”

Kaz shook his head and explained, “I just looked at the pictures.”

“Wizardry… Oh! Da, I got an email from my Kerch teacher. She wants us to have three separate binders this year. What kind of sadist did I get stuck with?!”

“Apparently one who appreciates organization and causing you distress,” Colm quipped without looking up again from the list where he added “three binders” before adding the rest of the things he intended to buy that day.

Jesper, crossing his arms, said, “There’s organization and then untoward neuroticism.”

Kaz watched their exchange with amusement while not knowing exactly what was happening. That didn’t stop Jesper from looking at him and asking him if he agreed.

“Don’t drag him into this. Oh, Kaz…” Colm looked up from his list and said, “Before you go back to your room, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about.”

Immediately worried, Kaz looked back at Jesper as if to ask for help. Jesper looked at Colm with a questioning raise of his eyebrows.

“You’re not in trouble, Kaz. Nothing is wrong. Jesper, would you mind checking on the fence repair we did yesterday? I want to make sure it’s holding up after the winds last night. When you’re done, do a double check on all your school supplies for me, please.”

“Sure, Da,” he answered with a reassuring smile to Kaz.

Once Jesper was gone, Kaz looked to Colm and was unable to hide the fact that he was nervous. He fidgeted with the cards, and his shoulders hunched which always signaled to Colm that he was fearful. So, Colm put on the sincerest smile he could and started talking.

“As you know, Jesper is about to start going to school again after this weekend. I wanted to ask you how you felt about going to school, too.”

Kaz looked at him like he’d grown two heads, but he quickly changed his expression to one of more passivity out of instinct. Colm wasn’t sure if he should laugh or feel sad over his reaction considering the state of his past.

“I could get you set up with a homeschool curriculum if you’d like so you can do that here, or you can give public school a try with Jesper.”

Kaz was no stranger to either public school or homeschooling. Public school was where he had gone before his father died while homeschool was his one reprieve from torment at the Rollins house when he was younger. He and Jordie started it not long after their arrival there. What appeared to be just an expected part of their childhood was actually a front to keep up appearances.

Both Rietveld brothers had been groomed and acclimated to their abuse slowly at first. Kaz, being the younger child, was more susceptible to being made to believe that he was deserving of any verbal degradation and increasingly violent strikes. Jordie was quicker to resist. Kaz’s safety was used as a threat to him to behave himself for inspections and show everything that he was learning through school while Kaz did the same.

After Jordie died, Rollins had someone on the inside of the system named Heleen Van Houden help him hide the evidence of his death and presence at that address, though Kaz didn’t know what exactly was done. He didn’t even know what Rollins did with his body. All he knew was that he was still made to do some schoolwork until the social worker who knew him transferred to a different office. Then Heleen was able to easily and quietly make his files slip through every single crack and loophole along with a dozen other children’s files for her network of profitable abuse.

Once entirely at the mercy of Rollins and Heleen, he was never given new materials again, and his only escape was taken from him. Kaz remembered how devastated he was when the last of his school things were taken. He had cried and begged for Rollins to at least let him have that, and a belt buckle swiftly gave him few cuts on his back that were now healed as deep scarring. He was left locked away in his room with nothing but his own thoughts to keep him company between rounds of torment.

Colm continued to say, “It’s completely your choice, but you need to pick one and it’s not just because the state says so. You’re a smart boy, and you deserve to get your diploma. You don’t have to go to college if you don’t want to but trust me on this: graduating high school is too important not to do it. You could always get a GED later, but it makes certain things harder. I’d rather you have as many choices open to you as possible.”

Having too many choices is overwhelming.

On the one hand, Kaz didn’t want to do homeschooling again. He feared it would be too reminiscent of his time with Rollins. On the other hand, going to a public school again with so many people sounded like a nightmare. Still, he felt more drawn to that option at the moment. He didn’t want to remain stagnant. He wanted to push himself and find new experiences so he could rebuild himself. He didn’t want his entire life dictated and ruined by what had happened to him.

He cleared his throat after he gave it some thought, and he answered, “I want to go to school.”

Colm was proud of his bravery, and he replied, “Great. I’ll get you enrolled. Do you think you’ll be okay to start in another week or so? Will that give you enough time to prepare?”

He nodded, though he wasn’t sure how he was going to prepare. He hadn’t been around that many people since he was about nine years old when his father died. There weren’t exactly a lot of people around him now. All he could do in the end was answer honestly.

“I don’t know. I’m… Lot of people.”

I’m fucking terrified that they’re going to touch me and I’m going to lose my shit in front of everyone and either I’ll get hurt, or I’ll hurt someone.

Colm gave the issue some thought. He chewed his lip while rubbing his chin before coming to a conclusion.

“Tell you what. Come with me today when I go to town again to a few busier shops. See how you handle it. If it’s too much, we can do homeschooling until you’re fully ready to commit to public school. It doesn’t have to be immediate. Just see what you can handle right now, and we’ll take steps every week until we can make it happen. Does that sound fair?”

“Okay.”

“You’d be starting a bit later than Jesper, of course. Honestly, you may not be able to start until the middle of the month and that would be the soonest. I’m assuming they’ll need to test where your skill levels are to make sure you’re put in the right classes. I’ll make some calls to the school and Nadia to inquire so we can get it all sorted.”

“Nadia?”

“We already planned to work together on this. I need to ask about your homeschool history. I know a bit about it, but existing records likely need to be transferred if there are any. There will be flexibility with all of this. We’ll make it work. I actually have something for you. Let me go get it.”

Colm stood up then and went to his office while Kaz fiddled with his cards nervously. He was more nervous about the prospect of more change coming than whatever it was Colm might have for him. The idea of school was, to his surprise, a little exciting. He’d been devouring books and educational documentaries whenever he could. He wanted to learn, and now he was being offered a path forward again and, this time, he was almost confident it wouldn’t be taken away from him again.

Colm came back to the kitchen with a black cell phone, sat down, and slid it across the table.

“This is for you. I was finally able to get you your own phone. Jesper knows, by the way, so prepare yourself for him to be obnoxious when he comes back inside. He’s going to want to show you how to do everything.”

Kaz looked at it with disbelief. He didn’t think Colm was serious, which of course, Colm picked up on immediately.

“It’s not a trick and I’m not lying. It’s all for you to use. You can call or text me or Jesper whenever you need and any new friends you make. You can even contact Nadia or Genya from this if you want to. I already programmed all of our numbers into it for you. Press that button on the side there and it will turn on.”

Finally, Kaz reached out for the phone and looked at it like it was alien technology. It basically was as he’d never used a smartphone. He had a lot to learn, but he was excited to try later.

“I’m going to warn you about using the internet, though. Don’t talk to people you don’t know. A lot of people will lie to try and get something from you. Don’t trust anyone. Just use it to look things up or watch videos or read. Okay? I want to keep you safe on that thing.”

“Okay. I’ll be careful,” Kaz said seriously as the last thing he wanted was to invite any unwanted attention to himself.

“Good. Okay, I’ll be ready to leave in about thirty minutes. Meet me here and we’ll head out? Jesper is coming, too. If any one store becomes too much you can wait in the car. Sound good?”

Kaz thought about it and agreed. He had done alright when they got ice cream and picked up food from the restaurants after his appointment, so he figured he’d be okay even if it did become too much.

***

It was one thing to go to an ice cream parlor in the middle of a weekday when hardly anyone was there, and he could sit with his back against the wall. It was another thing entirely to go to a busier department store where he couldn’t keep an eye on everyone at all times.

Kaz and Jesper walked together albeit with a distance between them as they followed Colm through the aisles.

“You know, I can walk you through the halls like this at school. You won’t ever have to be on your own.”

Unable to speak as all of his energy went toward scanning his surroundings, he barely moved his head to nod in acknowledgement. He saw Colm constantly looking behind himself to see how he was doing, and he appreciated it. It was Colm’s way of checking in and to help Kaz feel safer.

I think I can depend on them. They’re making sure people stay away from me and looking to see if I’m okay.

“Wylan can help out, too, if you want. Matthias and Nina as well. They really like you, by the way. I know you didn’t get to talk to them much, but they want to hang out again if you’re up for it.”

“…’k.”

“You doing alright?” Jesper asked while pausing his steps.

Kaz pressed himself against the shelf and felt the products behind him shift backwards as he made contact. He closed his eyes for a minute and concentrated on the feeling of air flowing through his nostrils and down into his lungs to be expelled again through his mouth. 

“Oh, look at this. This is cute…”

Jesper grabbed a small mug with two crows on it. It read “attempted murder”. It was the kind of classic, silly joke that usually made Colm giggle, and it took Kaz a moment to understand what it meant as he had to reach into the recesses of his mind to remember the word for a group of crows.

Colm had backtracked to see what they were looking at and predictably snickered.

“Hand it over,” he said, and Jesper complied. “That’s Kaz’s new mug.”

Kaz looked at him in surprise and asked, “For me?”

“It’s the perfect fit for you. Befriender of crows who loves a good murder mystery.”

“… Thank you.”

Kaz felt hot in the face and ears and grateful for Colm’s kindness. He did like the mug, and it was the first item he had that wasn’t really a necessity but something he liked that he could get for himself. Granted, he hadn’t chosen it. Colm was the one who insisted upon the purchase, but it wasn’t a book or a card deck to distract him from boredom. It was a little cup with his favorite animal on it, and it was all for him to use. 

He had reached his limit in the store before too long and needed to retreat to the car. He tried again in the grocery store afterwards and managed to remain a bit longer, but he still needed to leave earlier than he would have liked. Colm and Jesper still saw the excursion as a win, and Colm couldn’t wait until Genya knew what a big step he had taken.

That reminds me, I’ll have to change his appointment time when he starts school.

***

“Okay, now that you know how to text and make phone calls, you get to learn how to do all the fun things,” Jesper explained excitedly.

“Internet?” Kaz asked innocently.

“Yeah, you can browse. Just be careful what websites you use.”

“What’s a website?” Kaz asked after taking a sip of his hot chocolate from his new crow mug and setting it down on the desk.

“Ah. We should start small, I think. I can add some games onto your phone, too. I bet you’d like card games. Here, let me show you the app store.” Jesper held his phone up from the chair across from Kaz’s bed and showed him how to find the search bar and type in his interests. “Then you just press install and… There you go. Game. Just be careful it doesn’t ask for money and don’t overload the phone, or it will take up too much memory to function.”

After Jesper passed the phone back to him by tossing it on the bed first, Kaz grabbed it and looked at every game Jesper had added. He planned to try them all that night to see if he liked them or if they were too easy.

Jesper showed him a few more apps with his own phone to use for exploring music and streaming shows in case he really got bored but needed to stay in his room as opposed to seeking company. He could tell that Kaz was getting a bit tired and overwhelmed by the endless things the device was capable of doing, so he decided to just show him one more thing before having mercy on him.

“This little icon here is your camera. You can take pictures of anything you want, of course. My phone is full of pictures of Wylan. And selfies. I do post them on my Instagram though. Can’t keep this beautiful face to myself, can I?”

His glittery, goofy smile and finger guns almost made Kaz laugh a little despite having no idea what the hell he was rambling about.   

“Here, I’ll show you.”

Jesper set the phone into selfie mode and showed Kaz how it had captured his face. Then he switched it and aimed his phone at Kaz who immediately held his hands up.

“What are you doing?!” Kaz asked.

Confused, Jesper said, “What’s wrong? I was going to take your picture. Here, let me set the timer up and put it right here…”

He put the phone up against a water bottle on the desk and posed for the camera. After he was sure the photo was taken, he moved back and showed Kaz.

“See? Just a picture.”

“I don’t… I don’t like that. Having my picture taken.”

Kaz looked like he was struggling with having admitted that aloud, but he held his gaze while glancing down at the phone every few seconds.

“Of course. I’m sorry… Um… Can I as- Never mind.”

Jesper realized then that the people who hurt Kaz likely took pictures of him in terrible situations. He shuddered to think that they could be circulating somewhere in the world for the same kind of sick shits who did it to him in the first place.

Jesper fiddled with his phone while Kaz slowly lowered his hands and relaxed a little more. Kaz didn’t take his eyes off of Jesper’s hands, and so Jesper put the phone down on the desk to let him know he was safe.

“Um…” Jesper started while wondering if he was making a mistake. “You know pictures can be fun, too. Like the ones I showed you? They don’t… hurt.”

“… I know.”

“I hope we can take your pictures some time soon. We want you to remember good times.”

Kaz chewed on his lip, and looked at him as if there was something more he wanted to say but couldn’t decide if he should or not. Jesper decided it was best to leave the subject there for the time being. Kaz had plenty to think about and check out on his phone.

No need to overwhelm him anymore than I already have.

Jesper sighed and hoped he didn’t mess anything up.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 26

[unknown number missed call]

[Alina missed call x2]

Group Created: Colm, Alina, unknown

11:45 AM

Alina: Hi Colm! I hope you don’t mind, but I started this group text with you and Orsa. We have good news about the service dog and I couldn’t wait anymore. I know you’re probably busy at work but AAAH?! I just needed you to see this as soon as you opened your phone!

Orsa: Kaz’s application was accepted, and I believe we have a placement based on the information you’ve provided us.

Orsa: [photo] [photo]

Orsa: This is Nova. She is nearly done with her necessary training and is almost ready to graduate.

12:02 PM

Colm: I am so sorry, I was right in the middle of an issue at the farm but oh, my Saints. I cannot tell you how relieved I am. This is wonderful news!

Orsa: We’d like to set up a meeting for them at the beginning of October. Is the first alright? That’s a Sunday.

Colm: Yes, any day or time is fine. You just let me know and we’ll be there. Thank you, thank you so much. I am so grateful to you. This is going to be such a huge help to Kaz.

Orsa: I’m very excited for them to meet. I think they’ll get along great. Sometimes I am wrong and we need to try again, but that’s rare. 😊 

Alina: How humble of you.

Orsa: Hush now. Don’t spoil my reputation in front of Mr. Fahey.

Colm: Your reputation is golden right now, so don’t worry.

Orsa: Haha! I’ll be in touch. Let me know if you have any questions.

Colm shoved his phone back into his pocket before pumping his fist once in victory. Some of his employees saw his enthusiasm and smirked. He saw that they noticed, but he didn’t have one care in the world about it. His kid was getting a service dog.

Nova.

He grinned to himself and moved on to his next task while wondering how he was going to keep this a secret for another month. Kaz deserved something nice, and this seemed like a wonderful surprise. He wouldn’t let anything spoil it.

***

Genya noticed that Kaz was in a far better mood this day than he was the previous week. He took out his list and placed it on her chair before sitting in his own near the door. If that was how he wanted to start the session, she would oblige him.

She was pleased to see that he had added two more entries. 

What is your favorite...

“I’m not surprised by your favorite color being black. It suits you. I’m a little surprised by ‘potatoes’ being your answer. That’s the first time I’ve seen a teenage boy say that,” Genya remarked with amusement.

“Is… is that weird?” Kaz asked with concern.

“Not at all. I love that you have atypical answers. What’s your favorite kind of potato?”

Without hesitation, Kaz said, “Colm makes fried potatoes in the morning sometimes and they’re really good. He calls them ‘Kaelish prátaí’ which just means ‘Kaelish potatoes’.”

“Are you learning any Kaelish?” Genya asked with interest.

“Just a few words I pick up when he speaks. He calls me ‘a chuilein’ sometimes. Jesper told me it means ‘my boy’.”

“How do you feel about being called that?”

He shrugged. “I don’t mind it.” 

“You know, Ravka has some excellent potato dishes that you should try to make.” His ears perked up then, and she gave him a solemn nod and said, “Oh, yes. I dare say they rival Kaelish dishes.”

“Really?”

“I’m biased,” she admitted with a slight shrug.

“Biased?”

“I’m Ravkan, so I naturally lean toward Ravkan dishes. Mr. Fahey is Kaelish, so he’d probably say Kaelish dishes are better. That’s bias.”

“Oh.”

“What does Jesper like?”

Again, without hesitation, Kaz answered, “Everything. He eats anything.”

Genya chuckled and said, “I admire that.”

Kaz still seemed relaxed despite his typical stimming with his cane. He wasn’t glancing toward the window or the door every few seconds, and he didn’t avoid looking at her. He looked down at the floor often, but he otherwise kept his eyes on her without his usual anxiety evident in his face.

“So…” she began, well aware that this was a risk. “How did things go with Jesper’s friends?”

This time, he took more time to think before answering. “It was okay. I got overwhelmed and needed to leave for a while, but it they’re nice. I, um… I thought they didn’t like me, but I misunderstood.”

“I’m sorry to hear that there was a miscommunication. Are things alright between you all?”

He nodded and said, “They’re coming over again at the end of the week.”

“Are you nervous at all?”

“A little. I still don’t know them well. It’s a lot. Every time I met someone new… You know.”

“Right. Well, I am happy that you’re trying. I would hate for you to be trapped and unable to move forward in your life without making new friends. Do you want to be friends with them?”

“I… I think so. They’re nice to me.”

“I’m happy to hear that. Keep taking chances. I know you were agitated last week, but you tried anyway. I’m proud of you. Is it okay for me to say that?”

She wondered if Kaz remembered what he had said the last time.

“Why be proud?”

“It’s fine,” he whispered which made her think he was reflecting on it and trying to figure out if he really was okay with it or not. He looked up at her and gave a couple sharp nods to emphasize that he was alright with it.

She would accept his answer for now. She believed that it was important for him to hear those words from people who cared about him. He’d spent so many years being treated and spoken to like he was worthless. He needed to know that he had value and that any step he took, whether successful or not, was important and something to be proud of.

One step at a time, and I think we took several today.

Instead of trying to talk about any other sensitive topic that afternoon, she circled back to his list and talked about other possible answers. He was still far more open and willing to speak than he ever had been even after her recent inquiry about Jesper’s friends.  So, she allowed him the space to continue that. For once, he didn’t need to talk about something difficult, and noticing that seemed to make him relax even more and express himself. She just let him be a kid and talk about the things he liked. While he was no Jesper when it came to talking, it was still all that Genya had hoped for.

Progress. So much progress.

***

“I’m home!”

The sound of thudding feet came rushing toward David. He barely had time to kick his other shoe off before Genya pounced and threw her arms and legs around him. He let out an “oof” from the impact but placed his arms firmly around her to hold her to him.

“Goodness, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

“I just had a really good day,” came her muffled words against his neck.

“Is this Tuesday?”

“Do you even have to ask?”

“I suppose not. I just like to confirm it’s who I think it’s about. You rarely have these strong reactions with others. Anyway, I’m very happy you had a good day,” he said before kissing the side of her head. “Now, can I put you down?”

She shook her head.

He laughed and said, “I may not have a choice but to put you down soon.”

“I’m taking you down with me.”

“Because you’re the ship and I’m the captain?”

“David, my love…” She moved her face to press a kiss to his lips. “I want to keep having a good day. Don’t you?”

“Um… yes? Oh…” he said after she nipped his lip. “Well, alright then. Apparently, I’m the ship and I’m taking us elsewhere.”

“There’s a good boy.”

***

KazPer

7:15 AM

Jesper: Goooooood morning!

7:17 AM

Kaz: Good morning?

Jesper: You remembered how to text! WHOO!

Kaz: It’s not really hard.

Jesper: Glad to hear that. Now I can pester you on this MWA HA HA

Kaz: Mwa ha ha?

Jesper: like an evil laugh

Kaz: Why evil?

Jesper: Why all this proper punctuation?! You’re going to make someone think you’re mad at them

Kaz: Oh, what did I do wrong? Sorry.

Jesper: AH! Not… HOLD ON

Kaz could hear the thunder of Jesper’s steps down the hall before he abruptly stopped and gingerly knocked and tested the doorknob. Kaz was sitting up, eyebrow arched, watching Jesper noodle his way into the room with his usual ridiculous grin.

“Okay, so when you text people it’s usually weird to use periods if you only type one sentence. If you add a period, then it makes you look aggressive. I know it’s weird, but you can just ignore it for now. I understood your meaning.”

Kaz really had no idea what the hell Jesper was going on about again, but since he didn’t seem agitated, Kaz figured it was safe to just let him ramble about whatever it was. And he did. It went on for another five minutes before Colm came upstairs and peeked inside.

“Mo leanbh, you’re going to be late on your first day back!”

“Oh, crap!”

Jesper took slow but long strides to the door before breaking into a sprint as soon as he was past the threshold. Colm squeezed himself against the wall to let him pass before sighing and catching Kaz’s eye.

“Food’s ready if you want to come down. I need to drop him off soon, though. I can clean up when I come back since my wonderful son overslept today.” Colm leaned further in before whispering, “I did, too, but don’t tell him that.”

Colm rolled his eyes and let out a breathy laugh before retreating down the hall.

Kaz barely made it downstairs by the time Jesper was flying back up to gather the things he’d forgotten. The quick movement startled him, but he wasn’t frightened like he used to be. He was becoming used to Jesper’s erratic movement when he was in a hurry. He gave Colm a small wave when he went to the kitchen table to allay the worry written on his face.

Two minutes later, they were out the door, and Kaz was left to eat on his own. When he finished, he looked at his empty plate and the other two left behind on the table. There was a bowl on the counter that had been left in the middle of a spot of yolk that spilled when Colm was rushing to cook. The pan he’d used to cook the eggs along with the bacon was still sat atop the stove.

Colm told me he’d clean up, but…

Kaz switched his cotton gloves out for the rubber dish gloves and got to work. After washing and drying all of the dishes, he found their designated spaces in the drawers and cabinets. Then, he wiped down the counter and found a container labeled “cleansing wipes” and used one on the table and counter.

Now Colm doesn’t have to worry about it.

Ding!

Kaz pulled his phone out and saw a message from Jesper.

KazPer

7:42 AM

Jesper: Can I please add you to the group chat?

Kaz: What’s a group chat?

Jesper: A group on here with me, Wylan, Nina, and Matthias. All five of us can chat together. It’s a lot of fun. Can I add you? Is that alright?

He typed the word “yes” and then deleted it with the temptation to say “no”. It wasn’t that he wanted to say “no”. In fact, he wanted very much to say “yes” because he wanted them all to like him. They said they did, and doing something else they liked wouldn’t hurt.

And what would joining this group thing do? It wouldn’t hurt either. I can try.

Kaz: Okay.

Jesper: Whoo!

Four Whores of the Apocalypse

7:45 AM

Jesper: Hey all! Can we add Kaz to the group?

Nina: Bitch, don’t even ask. Bring him into the fold!!

Wylan: Wait, it should be Five Whores of the Apocalypse then. Does that work?

Jesper: ACTUALLY, can we just change it entirely?

Nina: Suggestions:

Matthias: It is too early for creativity.

Wylan: Well now I’m worried that we should do something normal so we don’t scare him off. We were a bit intense last time.

Nina: I think he’s acclimated enough to know we’re quirky

Matthias: Quirky?!

Nina: Did I stutter?

Matthias: But this is a text message.

Nina: Wylan, did your screen reader make it sound like I stuttered?

Wylan: It did not.

Nina: Point to Zenik.

Jesper: You know what? I have an idea…

Four Whores of the Apocalypse changed to Fiving and not Thriving

Nina: Excuse you! I am most certainly thriving. Matthias I can feel your thumbs on the keys, so help me I will throttle you

Jesper: Can I add him now?! Can you all behave just a little bit? A LITTLE

Wylan: Yes, love.

Nina: DUH COME ON GIMME

Matthias: Yes

Adds Kaz to Fiving and not Thriving

Jesper: Hi, Kaz!

Nina: KAZ!!!!

Wylan: Hi!

Matthias: Hello.

Nina: Way to be enthusiastic there, babe.

Matthias: I am behaving as was requested.

Kaz: Hi.

Nina: Welcome to the Thunderdome!

Kaz: The what?

Jesper: I told you all to behave 😒

Wylan: Sorry, Kaz. We can be goofy in here. I hope that’s okay.

Kaz: It’s okay. I don’t mind.

Nina: Where are all of you guys, anyway? I’ve been outside the school for the last hour

Jesper: I’m on my way! Why were you out there so early?!

Nina: Because I hate where I live and would rather be anywhere else

Matthias: I’ll be there soon, too.

Wylan: I’m walking up now. I’ll see you in a minute.

Nina: Kaz, we wish you were here!

Jesper: He’s starting soon!! I can’t waaaaiiiit

Nina: NO WAY. YEEEESSSS

Kaz: What does it mean when you use the letters like that?

Jesper: It means she’s shouting, but this is good and excited shouting. We all want you to be at school with us

Kaz: Oh. Soon, I think. I have to take some tests.

Wylan: Good luck! Let us know when.

Kaz: Okay.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 27

The appointment for Kaz’s assessment testing was only a couple hours away, and he couldn’t help but feel nervous. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had an actual test on anything, and he wasn’t sure if he’d know what to do. Colm assured him that he would be fine and that all would be explained and, no matter what his results were, he would be proud of him for doing his best.

To calm his nerves, he worked on a new card trick from the magic book he’d found. He sometimes wished he could read the Kaelish himself without having to ask Colm from time to time just for convenience’s sake. He usually did just fine with only the pictures, but he did wish he could save himself the trouble. At least now it was giving him an adequate distraction.

Tap tap. Caw!

Kaz looked toward his window, and his heart leapt. He slowly rose and grabbed the half-eaten sleeve of crackers on his nightstand. With great care, he unlatched the lock on his window. As slowly as he could, he pulled it upwards to open it.

The cawing was louder.

Steadily, he leaned out the window with one hand firmly on the sill. To his right on the sloping awning was a crow whom he suspected of being the same crow he’d find on his occasional morning walks. The last few times he’d gone, he kept the crackers with him to share with his new friend. Having skipped the walk this morning, it seemed that it was the crow’s turn to come to him.

“Hello. I’m sorry, were you waiting for me? I can’t come every day. Bad leg, you know.”

Carefully, he removed a cracker from the sleeve and placed it down on the awning. The crow cawed again and hopped over to claim his prize. He picked it up and bit into it in such a way that most of the cracker broke off to the sides and scattered crumbs around his feet.

“Some manners you have,” Kaz joked. “I’ll break it apart next time. Sorry. I’m distracted today.”

When the crow cleaned up every last crumb, he cawed a couple more times and then took off to his next adventure. Kaz watched until he flew out of sight.

Maybe you’re a good omen for today. I’ll take your visit as a wish for good luck even if I had to exchange a cracker for it.

Kaz returned to his magic feeling a little lighter and happier. 

***

Colm pulled up to the front of the school and parked in a space showing a stick figure of a man in a wheelchair against a purple background. He reached over and pulled a purple placard with the same symbol and some other information on it and hung it from his review mirror. He caught Kaz’s curious look and explained.

“This is for when I take you places. We can park closer in these spots so you don’t have to go as far. It’s for disabled parking.” Colm was about to get out of the car before looking over at Kaz to say, “And for future reference, this is only for me to use when you’re in the car. Later, when you’re driving, it’s only for you. You can’t lend it to friends, but you can take it with you if they’re driving you somewhere. Got it?”

Kaz was surprised by the sudden mini lecture, but he said, “I understand.”

“Good. Alright, ready?”

He wasn’t really, but he wasn’t going to get any more ready than he already was, so he nodded and got out of the car.

The building was made of red brick with large windows to allow in the natural light all around. Across the two sets of double doors stretched a colorful banner reading “Welcome back, Firebirds!”  As far as he remembered, this was nothing like the school he went to until he was eight years old. His memories showed a more sterile white structure that wasn’t nearly as inviting as the charming, older building in front of him.

Colm went ahead toward the entrance, and Kaz followed as closely as he could bring himself to. He was pushing himself to be closer as he would need to be next to many people in an uncontrolled environment very soon, and he needed to be even closer to Jesper to get him from place to place without losing himself to panic.

The office wasn’t too far from the entrance, and Kaz planted himself in a chair while Colm checked in and got everything arranged with the proctor. Meanwhile, Kaz took note of all the staff: a short, stocky secretary with a face immune to anyone’s nonsense, a younger woman with her hair coiled into a bun that pulled her skin back too tightly who went between the principal’s office and a filing cabinet, a tired looking man sitting at a computer in the back corner looking like he wanted to be anywhere else, and a then…

A nurse?

She was wearing deep violet scrub pants with a matching top adorned with hearts. As she passed by, she gave him a little smile and a “hello”, but Kaz looked down.

Why is there a nurse here? I don’t like that. Did my old school have one?

“Kaz? Ready to start?” Colm called out.

“Okay,” Kaz whispered.

The proctor led them down the hall and into a vacant office. He waved forward for Kaz to go in first, but Kaz stepped back instinctively. Colm whispered something to him, and then the proctor went in first with Colm following. Kaz went in last after giving himself a moment to calm down and glance around for anybody else hiding in the room.

He made his way over to the far side of the room and sat at the table where his back was facing the wall. The proctor slid over two packets to him. One for was mathematics, and the other was for Kerch language. He also slid over two pencils and a pile of scratch paper sheets.

“You’ll have three hours to complete the tests. Read all instructions carefully and answer the questions to the best of your ability. If both your pencils break or become dull, there is a sharpener just by the door there. When you are done, you can come straight outside. You’re allowed to stand up and stretch and walk around the room if you need to. Do you have any questions for me?”

Kaz shook his head.

“Alright, we’ll leave you to it.”

Colm didn’t say anything, but he gave Kaz an encouraging nod and followed the proctor out to the hallway.

Once alone, he closed his eyes and breathed for a few minutes and adjusted to the silence and smells of the room. Then, he opened his eyes to look around more. There were no decorations anywhere. There was just a single table with a few chairs and the manual pencil sharper on the wall.

No distractions. Nowhere for anybody to hide. The window is right there. Good. Okay… Guess I’ll start.

He began with the math portion. The first parts of it were too easy for him. He hardly had to glance at the questions to know what was being asked. Having multiple choice options made it criminally easy to know that he was right, but he wouldn’t complain. He wanted to do it right.

Then, the bell rang. He wasn’t expecting the loud chime, and he jumped in his seat. Sounds from the hall filtered through the door, and he soon saw a flurry of people going by. None of them tried to come into the room, but Colm appeared in the window and cracked the door open.

“Hi, it’s just students going to their next class. That’s all. Are you alright?”

Oh. Okay.

Kaz nodded, and his heart rate gradually slowed down after Colm returned to the hall. He was calm by the time the students had disappeared into their next class.

Wonder where Jesper is. Back to it.

He gladly dove back into the test and found his groove once more. As he got further along, he was delighted to encounter some challenges. Then, he encountered things he’d never once seen in his time doing homeschool, and he had to figure everything out as he went along based on patterns and logic. There were some things he really wasn’t sure about, but he tried and hoped for the best and looked forward to learning more about them later. Still, he left nothing unanswered and figured he had found the best answers based on all he knew and could deduce.

He was nearly disappointed when he finished that one and moved on to Kerch. He didn’t even bother stretching anything beyond his right leg out onto another chair before diving in.

This time, he was slower. He could read just fine and answer everything with relative ease. Just as before, the longer he went on, the more difficult the material became. Most of it remained multiple choice questions, but there were a few short answers that he needed to do as well. Some of the questions had several words he’d never seen before, but he was mostly confident that he was able to deduce their meanings based on the context clues.

By the end of the second hour, he had to shake his hand out as it was cramping from writing so much. He was not used to it, and his penmanship was a little shaky as he had barely had any practice for years. He was also feeling tired and a little more nervous when there was a string of questions about vocabulary that he was really unsure about as the sentences offered very little.

It’s okay. Colm said it was okay not to know everything.

He had to guess the last few, and then he turned to the final portion of the Kerch test.

“Imagine that you are given a choice between having endless knowledge or endless imagination. Write an essay about which you would choose and why. Use standard format.”

Essay? Standard format? What?

There were three lined pages provided for him to write, but he didn’t understand what exactly it was asking for.

His hands started to sweat beneath his gloves, and his eyes went wide and his breaths shallow.

What do I do?

“You stupid fucking moron.”

“B-but I d-don’t understand this part…”

“Shut the fuck up!”

His face was slammed down onto the book. Rollins dug his fingers painfully into his hair while pressing him down so hard that his nose felt like it would break.

“Read it, you little shit. Read it and figure it out. Do I look like a teacher? You better do it and do it right if you know what’s good for you. And you’re going to do it and show it off with a smile on your face. If you don’t, you’ll get what’s coming to you tenfold. If you think I can’t make it hurt more then you’re mistaken.”

Oh no, oh no… I can’t…

His face was wet with tears, and he sat frozen in a torrid of painful memories. School had been his escape, and he longed for it when he was imprisoned. However, he had to learn very quickly to figure everything out himself. He was lucky that he was bright enough to do so after the first few times he was beaten to within an inch of his life for daring to ask for help.

He barely noticed when Colm peeked through the window of the door to check on him. He disappeared for a moment and then came in with the proctor.

“Kaz? What happened?”

Kaz flinched at the sound of his voice. That Kaelish voice that haunted every nightmare wasn’t the same as Colm’s, but hearing him speak frightened him all the same.

“Hey… Hey, it’s okay. Tell me what’s going on, a chuilein?”

Kaz remained still. His tongue wouldn’t move to formulate a single sound.

“Did you have a bad memory?”

He knows?

He managed a tiny nod.

“Can I see?”

Colm slowly slid the packet away from Kaz and read the prompt. There was nothing that jumped out at him which might have been a trigger.

“Do you need to stop the test now? You can stop.” Colm asked.

Summoning all his strength, Kaz pushed himself to whisper, “But I didn’t finish.”

“Do you want to?”

“I-I don’t know how…” Kaz said with his head bowed away in anticipation of a strike to his face while his entire body shivered. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, that’s alright,” Colm soothed with a calming voice while looking again. “Do you mean an essay?”

Kaz shrank further down into his seat and said, “A-and standard f-format. I don’t… Don’t know what it means. I’m really sorry. Sorry…”

“It’s okay, Kaz. This can be enough. You’ve already done everything else. This will do just fine.”

Colm grabbed the other packet and handed them both to the proctor.

“I’m not in trouble?” Kaz asked with a small, trembling voice.

“Not at all.”

The proctor gave Kaz a sympathetic look and explained, “This is enough. You can learn to write an essay easily from the look of this. You’ve already demonstrated how to write sentences with short answers. It’s enough for a placement.”

“Is there anything else we need to do?” Colm asked.

“Nope, we’ll contact you via email within the week about placement and class selection. He's enrolled in the district, but once he has everything chosen just give us a call and we'll get started.”

“Alright.”

“And just double check that all disability exemptions and accommodations are in place. Sometimes things get overlooked. Just head to the office when you’re ready. I’ll take these now.”

“Okay, thank you.”

Once the proctor was gone, Colm sat a couple chairs down from Kaz who still hadn’t turned his face toward him again. He was holding his cane tightly, and his body looked rigid despite the shivers.

“Hey, you’re okay,” Colm promised. “You did so well today. I’m proud of you.”

Eventually, Kaz was able to follow Colm back to the office and sit in the same chair as before. The same people were still there, but an annoyed student rushed out of the principal's office and back to what Kaz assumed was her class.

“Hi, I just want to check on his accommodations before he starts classes here. Last name is Rietveld. There’s also my son, last name Fahey. He has an allowance for his accomodations.” Colm told the secretary who was being very friendly with him.

“Sure thing, let me pull that up. Okay, here we go - this is the copy sent to your son Jesper’s teachers regarding his need to leave and arrive five minutes late if need be for walking Mr. Rietveld to classes. He also phone allowances for emergencies. This is what will be sent to Mr. Rietveld's teachers: PE exemption, island desks, no forced participation, noise cancelling headphone allowance, tardy exemptions to all classes, bathroom break allowance for any time, extra days to turn in assignments, and phone allowance to call you or your son or his social worker, and gloves and hat during class allowances. Everything look right?”

All of that because of me? That’s so much wrong with me…

“Yes, that covers it all.”

“Great. Anything else I can do for you?”

“Not at the moment, thanks.” He turned to Kaz and asked, “Let’s go home?”

***

Three days later, Colm received an email from Tarweland High regarding the placement test results. He opened it while sipping his coffee and it nearly dripped from his mouth once he read the results.

“You’re kidding me… How in the hell?” he said after managing to swallow the rest of it down. “Incredible.”

Not much later, Jesper bounded down into the living room, and Colm called him over.

“Yeah, Da?”

“Come here. Look at this,” he said while pointing at his monitor.

Jesper came around to read the screen and his jaw fell open. They both looked at each other in disbelief, but both were smiling seconds later in excitement.

“Want me to go get him?”

“It’s alright, he’ll be back soon. He went out for a walk a while ago.”

***

Around a half hour later, Kaz came back into the house. His leg was aching as he’d gone a bit further than he was used to. The recliner was beckoning him to sit, but Colm’s words attracted his attention and he suddenly forgot the pain.

“Kaz, we got your placements.”

He was so nervous that he nearly couldn’t move from his spot. Deep breaths in and out for several seconds allowed him to focus and go to Colm’s office. His nerves settled when Colm was all smiles.

“Here, come take a look.”

Colm turned the monitor around and Kaz leaned down to see, but he wasn’t exactly sure what he was looking at. He looked to Colm for clarity.

“They think you can manage grade level Kerch with some extra support. You were able to answer and understand things with competence.”

“What's ‘extra support’?” he asked quietly.

“More time to do assignments, one on one explanations, and tutoring or more in-depth instruction for things like learning how to write essays since you’ll need to do that for both Kerch and history most likely. It’s nothing bad. I promise.”

“Okay,” he answered quietly with relief as he figured that he hadn’t messed anything up by not understanding everything on the test.

Colm was now smiling even brighter, and the anticipation of his explanation as to why was starting to make Kaz fidget a little with his cane. Once Colm scrolled to the right spot on the screen, he turned it back and pointed to his math result. 

“What's astounding though is your math placement. They put you in pre-calculus which is the highest allowed for your grade. You didn't quite get everything on the test, but they think you'd be able to succeed with extra support there, too. If you're not sure they said you could do the level below and get a more solid foundation. What do you think?

I did that well? He’s happy with me, right? What do I think?

“I’m not sure. I didn't know what to do for most of the test.”

“What do you mean?”

Kaz shifted uncomfortably and explained, “I figured it out as I went. Was... was that wrong?”

He was getting increasingly worried, and he saw that Colm took notice. Colm moved his laptop aside and looked at him with pride.

“Not at all. It just means you're incredibly clever. You pick whichever class you think you might like. Either way, you could always switch. There's no shame in either choice.”

I want to do well, and he seems happy with me. I mean… I am happy, too. I already did really well, and he said I’m clever. I … It feels good. I want to keep trying.

“Um, can I try the hard one?”

With a grin, Colm said, “Sure. I'll mark it down for you.”

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 28

This is too much. Where am I supposed to even start? They have the two here picked for me, but I have to do the rest? How am I supposed to choose? I don’t know what any of this is. There are too many choices.

Kaz held his head in both hands while leaning on the table over his mostly blank schedule and a booklet with every available class at his new school. He had looked through a few pages in a couple sections, but nothing was registering as he read. 

“Hello,” Jesper said in a singsong voice as he often did.

“Hey,” Kaz answered gloomily.

“You alright?” Jesper asked while grabbing a donut from the box Colm had picked up earlier that morning.

“Not really. I’m stuck,” Kaz said while tapping on the booklet.

“Oh, class selection? Can I see what you picked? I can help you out if you want.”  Jesper asked through the donut he chewed.

Not knowing any other option, Kaz nodded his acceptance.

Kaz’s sheet was blank save for the Kerch and math classes he was placed in. He had no idea what to pick otherwise or what half of them even were. He had only been made to do the bare basics when he was allowed to do homeschool. 

Jesper looked at the paper and tried to hide his confusion as to why Kaz was having a hard time. It wasn’t for him to judge or overanalyze. So, he took a closer look, and his eyes went wide with excitement.

“You’re in the same math class as Wylan! That’s so cool.”

“I am?” Kaz asked quietly.

“Yeah! That’s perfect. Okay let’s see… What do you like to do? Well, I guess I know what you like. They don’t have any classes about magic unfortunately.  Hey, I know you like reading, though! There are other reading classes you could take. Would you like that?”

Kaz nodded with a little more enthusiasm as it was something he would truly enjoy.

“There is one that focuses on cultural stories of the world. That one might be cool for you?”

“Okay,” he answered softly.

“Okay, so that’s three. You’re not taking PE, so we can ignore that. What about music?”

Kaz shook his head. He wasn’t opposed to music which Jesper had seen when he wandered down to watch Wylan. He just knew absolutely nothing about it and would be completely lost even if it was a class for beginners. If he was less overwhelmed someday then he wouldn’t mind trying.

“Art? You can do drawing or painting and other weird crafts probably. Or even woodshop or ceramics.”

Kaz flexed his hands in his lap. He wouldn’t be able to take his gloves off, but reminding Jesper of that embarrassed him. When he remained quiet, Jesper moved on to his next few suggestions.

“Oh, you do need a science class. Can I suggest physics? Matthias and Wylan are in that class and can help you out. You won’t have any trouble with the math. Wy is really good at chemistry, but he already did all of those classes which he didn’t even really like, so he’s trying this one more as an elective. There’s more math involved.”

Kaz had no idea what physics was, but he was afraid to ask so he just said, “Okay. I’ll try.”

In the end, he had a grade level Kerch class, pre-calculus with Wylan, Kerch history with Jesper, World Folk Tales, physics with Wylan and Matthias, and a computer class that covered typing and learning basic skills. Jesper was rather pleased with himself for helping, though the lack of any “fun” classes made his skin crawl. He was happy that Kaz seemed satisfied and more at ease, and that was all that mattered to him. 

“So, we have history together in the morning. Next, one of us will walk you to World Folk Tales. I’ll come get you for Kerch, Wylan will get you for math, and then you’ll go to physics together. Then either Wylan or Matthias will take you to the computer class. At the end of the day, Matthias will bring you to me. Does that sound reasonable?”

They’re watching me. No, they’re helping me. Making sure I don’t run. For fucks sake, no. They’re helping me and being nice to me. They’re… They’re like my friends. Making sure I feel safe. Right? Don’t let fear dictate you. They’re not a threat. You know that now.

“Kaz? What’s wrong?”

He looked down before stealing glances at Jesper’s eyes. He twisted his cane and admitted, “Um… bad thoughts.”

“Bad thoughts?”

Kaz shook his head and looked back to the table. He reached for his schedule so he could look it over again and not explain his meaning to Jesper. Fortunately, Jesper didn’t pry. Though, Kaz knew he still needed an answer for his other question.

“It’s… I’m okay. I’m okay with you all walking me. It’s not too much?”

“Nope! We want to. It’s more of a chance to hang out with you anyway. We’ll all sit together for lunch, too. You’ll never be alone unless you want to be alone, so don’t worry. We have your back. I’m sure it’s going to be scary for your first day.” 

Jesper was right, and Kaz gave him a nod because he was scared. He was excited about the possibilities that he was finally being given, but all of it still felt like a dream. It hadn’t even been two months since the last time he’d been chained up in a room and tortured nearly to death. Nightmares still brought him back there, and potential threats and reminders of his time there could be anywhere at any time. Yet, there had been times where he was able to forget and just lose himself to the moment through reading, learning something new, growing closer to Colm and Jesper and now a new group of people who wanted to be his friends. It was all so strange, and he wasn’t sure if he was even alive anymore.

Maybe I did die in that room, or maybe I’m still there and I’m creating all of this so I don’t feel the pain anymore. Sometimes, I really can’t tell.

“You’ll be okay. We’ll get through it together.”

Together. Words like that make me almost sure this is all some terrible fantasy created in my head. I hope not. I really, really hope not. 

Fiving and not Thriving

2:53 PM

Jesper: Guess who’s starting school with us next week on Wednesday!

Wylan: Oh wow! That’s so soon. That’s awesome!

Jesper: His schedule is set and we’re ready to go.  Here it is….

[Attachment]

[Voice memo for Wylan]

Jesper: So, can we still work out an arrangement to walk him to and from class?

Matthias: Sure thing.

Wylan: Oh, that’s nice that almost all of us have at least one class together with you, Kaz. 

Nina:  Uuuuuh yes but um excuse me… Kaz is doing our homework, right? I think it’s only fair since I didn’t get into a class with him.

Kaz: Okay.

Jesper: omfg Nina, NO

Nina: What?

Kaz: I can help.

Jesper: Yeah, you can help. You’re not doing everyone’s work for them

Nina: He’d like it

Kaz: You’re being nice to me and helping me, so I can help you.

Jesper: You can help, sure. You’re NOT doing Nina’s work for her

Nina: hey leave him alone. team player ftw

Kaz: ftw?

Jesper: You have so much to learn

Kaz: Isn’t that why I’m going to school?

Matthias: Haha

Nina: Looks like you don’t even need to go to school. Calculus?!? Insane

Wylan: Pre-Calculus

Nina: Oh please, he’d be in calculus if the district allowed it I bet

Matthias: you would be if you did your homework, little bird

Nina: Matthias, my love, my disposition is too delicate for that nonsense. And I DO do my homework. I just don’t want to do the math. It’s torture. Kaz, how did you get so good at it?

Kaz: I don’t really know. I just understand it.

Nina: Creepy little genius, I love it

Wylan: I enjoy that you’re moving on to bother him about math homework. Thank you for taking another one for the team, Kaz.

KazPer

2:59 PM

Jesper: Hey, she’s not bugging you, right? Nina

Kaz: No. I’m fine.

Jesper: Okay, I just want to check in. “Creepy” is just her teasing. She’s really impressed by you. We all think it’s cool af that you scored so high like holy crap dude. Really cool

Kaz: af?

Jesper: “As fuck”

Kaz: Your language is different sometimes. I don’t really understand.  

Jesper: You’ll learn. And seriously, do NOT do her homework. She’s kidding.

Kaz: Okay.

Jesper: You can do mine, though 😊

Fiving and not Thriving

3:01 PM

Kaz: I can’t. I have to do Jesper’s.

Wylan: Wow

Matthias: Really Jes?

Jesper: I WAS KIDDING, KAZ

Nina: Jesper is a traitor

Matthias: You’re all horrible

Matthias: Except you, Kaz. You’re amazing.

Jesper: That’s fair.

Nina: Yeah, okay

Wylan: I can’t deny that.

Kaz: 😊

Jesper: BABY’S FIRST EMOJI

Nina: Look at my son! Pride IS the word I’m looking for

Wylan: Is that the TikTok song?

Nina: do you even have to ask

Matthias: she’s always on that thing

Nina: hush

Kaz: TikTok?

Wylan: Oh no, Kaz, don’t even ask.

Nina: JESPER. SET UP AN ACCOUNT FOR HIM

Jesper: NO OMG NO NONONONONOJAKLFJDAJK

Wylan: What the hell was that? My screen reader just had a fit again.

Nina: Translation: Jesper is no fun

Kaz looked at his phone with an eyebrow raised for a few minutes while watching them screech through text about different apps he needed to be introduced to. None of what they were talking about was making much sense, but he didn’t mind it so much. It was nice to be included even if it was going to take him a while to catch up on everything.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 29

Colm and Jesper walked Kaz up to the front office the morning he was to begin school. He needed to pick up a temporary identification card that didn’t have his picture on it. Kaz was still resistant to the idea of being photographed, so the school printed one with his name, grade, and barcode so he could use it for lunch and library scans.

Once it was in hand, he stared at it quietly. It had his full name written out: Kazimir Lieven Rietveld. It felt foreign, and he didn’t quite like it. He wished it only said “Kaz” because it was what Jordie had always called him. He liked it. Colm assured him that his preferred name was what showed up first on the roster so his teachers would know what to call him without him needing to go out of his way to correct them.

“Are you ready?” Colm asked once they stepped out of the office.

“I think so,” Kaz said with a quiet, shaky voice.

“I’ve got you, Kaz. Let’s give it a go?” Jesper asked.

After one last look at Colm for some encouragement, Kaz nodded and turned to follow just behind Jesper through the halls that had emptied out significantly since the bell was just about to ring. Kaz tightened both of the straps of his backpack and clung to one strap, pulling it snug against him. He liked the feeling of the padded illusion of protection it offered.

“Okay, here we are.”

They paused outside the door and Kaz stared through the glass. He saw an older man with white hair and a thick white mustache who wore a muted floral-patterned shirt and navy shorts. He was leaning against the desk, glanced toward the door, and locked eyes with Kaz who turned to look back down the empty halls.

“You okay?” Jesper asked.

 “Um…”

Kaz closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, but the teacher came outside to greet them before he could calm himself completely.

“Hello, I take it you’re Mr. Rietveld?”

Kaz’s eyes snapped to his and he nodded.

“I’m Mr. Timmerman. I have a seat open near the front by my desk. I have it angled toward the wall. Mr. Fahey is next to you.”

“That sound good, Kaz?” Jesper asked gently.

He nodded out of instinct and went ahead to follow both of them inside. He stayed right behind Jesper who led him to the desk that was assigned to him. The room was a little chaotic with chatter as he slipped his backpack off and carefully sat down. He wasn’t sure what to do with his cane for a moment, but he opted to lean it against the side of his desk.

“I’m right here if you need me,” Jesper reminded him before the teacher started off his lesson for the day.

Kaz wasn’t listening very much for the first ten minutes. He was getting used to the feeling of the chair beneath him, the smells in the air, the booming volume of Mr. Timmerman that caused his nerves to sit on edge, the visual noise of various scenes from Kerch history adorning the walls, the movements of the students around the room who would sometimes look at him with curiosity before turning their attention back to the teacher or the phone they thought was invisible beneath the desk.

When Jesper spoke to answer a question, Kaz’s attention was finally brought back to the lecture at hand. Mr. Timmerman was talking about the history of the Merchant Council and its founding. The origins of the council were murky at best as there were a few prevailing theories all involving several families and a string of blackmail gone wrong. Over the last several centuries, the Council had at least shifted from its former inclination to allow slavery disguised as indentured servitude in the name of profit and more toward a governing body that valued true equal opportunity and free choice. At least, that was the end goal.

Sounds like a fantasy.

Mr. Timmerman looked at Kaz a few times as if to check on him, and he seemed pleased when Kaz had begun to listen to him with keen interest, and even more pleased when Kaz’s eyes lit up when he placed a couple books on his desk: a general history book, and a primary source journal from a former councilman from the early days of its conception.

The time had flown by, and Kaz was nearly disappointed when the bell rang, and they had to move on.  

“Let’s wait until some more people clear out so you’re not so crowded in,” Jesper whispered. “And I’ll come walk you to the next several classes including math since Wylan couldn’t come today, remember.”

Kaz nodded and wondered what happened with Wylan. He didn’t say much in the group chat that morning; just that he was sorry he couldn’t come.

The next class was World Folk Tales, and the teacher was very kind and accommodating to him just as Mr. Timmerman had been. While Mr. Timmerman had been louder and more animated in his lecture, Ms. Bos, also with a full head of white hair, spoke more softly but retained enthusiasm for the content. She even allowed him to look through the books she had given him for the upcoming months as she taught knowing that he needed time to explore and adjust to things on his own.

Toward the end, he finally focused more on her words and realized she was talking about a story in their The Language of Thorns anthology. The story was called The Too-Clever Fox and it originated from Ravka. As he listened and skimmed the story, he felt a connection to the fox. He saw himself in the poor, ugly little thing who had to use all his available wits to survive against the threats and dangers he encountered. He planned to read the tale thoroughly as soon as he had the opportunity.

Once again, the bell rang, and he was left disappointed because it seemed to have ended so soon. Ms. Bos checked in with him before Jesper came, and he nodded to indicate that he was doing alright. He still wasn’t comfortable speaking in class or even afterward. Neither she nor Mr. Timmerman seemed to mind, and Colm would be sure to have something to say about it should they raise an issue.

He had one more class before lunch, and that was Kerch. Jesper waited near the door for Kaz to make his way out once the classroom cleared.

“Doing okay?”

“Yeah.”

Two students went rushing by as they made their way to the next room, and Kaz jumped and slammed himself against the wall. A few people looked at him strangely while the giggling culprits didn’t notice the distress they caused.

Kaz’s eyes were wide and searching for danger, and Jesper stepped into his line of sight to distract him and bring him back to the present moment.

“It’s alright. Nothing bad is happening. They’re just being idiots. Yeah?”

Kaz shook his head. He had the urge to leave.

“Can you take a few deep breaths? Follow me?”

Jesper tried coaching him to breathe, but he was only successful when the halls cleared out and they were left nearly on their own.

Once Kaz’s breathing evened out and his eyes were no longer scanning for danger, Jesper said, “There we go. See? You’re safe.”

I’m safe. Nothing happened. They were just playing. Okay…

Nodding, he pushed himself away from the wall and followed Jesper to his Kerch class. He took another minute outside the door before Jesper opened it for him.

“I’ll be here afterward for lunch and then I’ll take you to math. Alright?”

“Okay…”

Once inside, his Kerch teacher, Mr. Faber, seemed slightly perturbed at the interruption, but he remained civil despite the crossed arms over his too neatly ironed white shirt.

“Mr. Rietveld?” he asked.

Kaz nodded.

“Well, you can sit right there,” he indicated with a lazy wave of his hand.

The desk chosen for him was on a side row, but it hadn’t been pulled away so his back could be toward the wall. The energy of the room was already feeling off, and Kaz didn’t want to push anything.

What would he do if I pulled the desk out? Would he get mad? Everyone is staring at me right now. I don’t… I don’t like this.

Kaz forced himself to move to his desk and sit down, though the hairs on his neck were standing on end. He pulled his hat further down and tried to concentrate on not descending into a panic. Every shift of the student behind him made his body tense up more to the point that he couldn’t hear a single word Mr. Faber said.

When the bell rang, he realized he had lost nearly the entire period and had no idea what was expected of him in the coming days. He didn’t move at all until Jesper came up beside him and knelt down.

“Hey, talk to me?

Trying not to allow his increasingly teary eyes betray his feelings to Mr. Faber who was watching from his desk, Kaz whispered, “I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean? Homework? Let me look…”

Jesper turned toward Mr. Faber who pointed behind himself at the whiteboard. The homework was written down, and Jesper took a picture of it with his phone and fished the book he needed from the shelf after asking where he could find it. Mr. Faber hadn’t even bothered to give it Kaz yet.

“Okay, let’s go get some food. I’m sure you’re starving by now. I know I am. Nina and Matthias want to know how you’re doing, too.”

Kaz realized he hadn’t looked at his phone once all day. He peeked when they got into the hall and saw that there were several missed texts. He felt bad and hoped they didn’t think he was ignoring them.

“Don’t worry, they know you’re probably overwhelmed. We’ll see them in a minute.”

***

The cafeteria was a sea of people which meant a sea of potential danger and unwanted proximity. Kaz scanned the room and took note of every exit, every large group of people, every loner, every adult, and every hidden space where someone could be lurking.

Jesper led him to the line and explained all of the choices he would have so he’d have a better idea of what he wanted once they arrived at the front. Kaz did his best to listen, but there were too many sounds, and the room was too bright. He could barely pay attention to Jesper let alone what he put on his tray.

Once he was shown how to scan his ID, Jesper took his tray for him and led him to the table where Nina and Matthias were waiting. Kaz was grateful to sit down with them, but he was still on edge.  

“Finally! The fifth Beatle has arrived. Wylan had to go and ruin the aesthetic,” complained Nina.

“Yeah, he’ll be back tomorrow,” Jesper said with veiled worry as he checked his phone.

“How are you doing, Kaz?” Matthias asked with real concern as it was obvious how on edge Kaz was.

Kaz just nodded, and the three exchanged a look.

“Try and eat something. It might help. We all made it halfway through the day,” Jesper reminded him.

“Okay…” Kaz muttered.

The three of them chattered, but again, Kaz couldn’t follow the conversation. He picked at his food while eyeballing everyone around them. He’d flinch a little every time someone moved behind him or a loud sound traveled from across the room.

“You don’t like it?” he heard Nina ask. “I don’t blame you. The school can have some shit food. I wouldn’t really trust those chicken sandwiches if I were you. Jesper, you led him astray.”

“It’s a rite of passage!”

Kaz was becoming more on edge. There were too many sounds and far too many people. There were too many words directed at him or swirling around that he was expected to comprehend. He was on the verge of having a meltdown, and his rapid breathing was evidence enough of that. His friends tried to calm him down and make him feel safe, but someone walked behind him and accidentally brushed against his back.

With a surprised yelp, Kaz scrambled up from the table and bolted as fast as he could for the nearest bathroom. He flew inside and locked himself in a stall and sat on the toilet to rock back and forth while hugging himself and crying.

He didn’t know how much time had passed before Jesper found him. Jesper didn’t say anything other than “I’m right here. I locked the door so nobody else will come in.” Then, he put their backpacks down and just sat on the counter by the sink and waited.

When Kaz’s quiet sobs subsided, he wiped his nose with some toilet paper.

“We'll bring stuff from home tomorrow and sit outside, okay?” Jesper suggested.

The bell rang. Kaz realized then that he had wasted the entire lunch in a timeless panic in the bathroom, and Jesper hadn’t been able to eat all of his food. Kaz, of course, didn’t either but he was used to hunger. Jesper wasn’t, and that made him feel terrible.

“I’m sorry, I made you miss lunch.”

“It's okay. We can get something after school.”

Shaking his head, Kaz said, “I can't go back today. I... it's too much.”

“Alright. I'll call my da.”

“No. I ... sorry. I don’t want to bother or disappoint him.”

“Kaz. Trust me. He knows that today was going to be really hard. We'll try again tomorrow.”

We?

After some shuffling and a muffled ringing over Jesper’s phone, Colm answered and Jesper said, “Hey, Da.  Yeah, I think it's been enough for today. I know! I'm proud, too. I have our bags with us. We're just going to hide in the bathroom until you get here and sign us out. I'll let him know. No. Yes! See you in ten.”

Proud? They’re both proud of me still?

“Da is going to take us to get lunch on the way home.  Taco Bell!!”

Kaz slowly came out of the stall. He took his gloves off hesitantly but did the task of washing his face quickly. Jesper passed him a towel on counter. Kaz dried his face and hastily pulled his gloves back on.

“He stayed close by?” Kaz asked.

“Yeah.”

“So, he expected me to fail,” Kaz said with distress.

“No, not at all. He expected that you might need support today. That does not equate to failure.”

Kaz accepted that answer after some quiet contemplation.

“And hey, now Wylan will be able to help out tomorrow in your physics class. Most likely. He was really sorry he couldn't be here today.”

“...s'okay. What’s Taco Bell?”

“Ooooh my friend, I'm about to ruin your life.”

***

“Of course you got the potato tacos. Those are a little spicy, though. Are you sure?”

Jesper eyeballed Kaz with mild concern as he unwrapped the first taco he was ever going to eat. Colm also watched on, but he was going to let Kaz make his own decisions. If he didn’t like it, he’d just get him something else.

Kaz bit into it, and it hardly had a kick. He really enjoyed the taste of it, and so he took another bite.

“Guess he likes it,” Jesper said with a smirk before diving into his own selections.

“How are you feeling now, Kaz?” Colm asked.

After he swallowed, he softly said, “Disappointed.”

“Why is that?”

He shrugged and said, “I had to leave. It was too much in the cafeteria. But I… I really liked the first two classes.”

“Not the third?”

Kaz shook his head, and Colm felt sad to see that.

“Which one was that?” Colm asked.

“Kerch. I had to sit in a row, and I couldn’t… c-couldn’t concentrate. Too many sounds behind me. I was scared.”

“Excuse me? What’s the teacher’s name?” Colm asked while trying not to sound too irritated as he didn’t want Kaz to think it was directed toward him.

“Mr. Faber.”

“He seemed like a bit of snit,” remarked Jesper. “I’ve never had him, but I asked Wylan and Matthias about him because he was their teacher last year. Apparently, he has a stick up you know where.”

 “Well, he can rip it out. I’ll be making a phone call when we get home. Don’t worry, Kaz. Your desk will be adjusted for tomorrow.” He tapped the table a couple times near Kaz. “Okay?”

“Okay… Thank you for helping me,” Kaz answered without looking up.

“Of course.”

Ding!

Jesper pulled his phone out.                                                                         

“It’s Wylan.”

“Is he alright?” Kaz asked.

“Yeah. He said he’ll be there tomorrow.”

Colm looked at him questioningly with a little worry knitted in his brow, but he didn’t pry. Kaz was a little curious, too. He figured Colm would have said something if there was cause for actual concern.

***

Fiving and not Thriving

8:48 PM

Jesper: Guys. Mistakes were made. Mayday

Wylan: I told you that you were about to live in regret

Nina: What did you do?!

Kaz: He ate five Crunch Wrap Supremes drenched in hot sauce.

Jesper: You could have saved me some dignity and said like… three.

Kaz: Do you mean lie?

Matthias: Jes, don’t teach him bad habits.

Nina: Besides, it’s funny to know all the ways in which you hurt yourself

Jesper: Such good friends you all are

Wylan: Sweetheart, you’re the one who admitted in the group chat that you’re having intestinal distress.

Jesper: I wanted sympathy

Kaz: I feel sorry for you.

Jesper: Thank you! You have redeemed yourself

Nina: What about you Kaz? I know you didn’t eat much during lunch at school, but are you doing okay? Did you eat an unholy amount of Taco Bell?

Kaz: Just a few tacos.

Jesper: His bloodline is WEAK (entirely kidding, Kaz ❤️)

Matthias: You’re the one stuck on the toilet

Jesper: Yeah, Kaz… You might want to use my Da’s bathroom if you can’t make it downstairs tonight. This is a toxic chemical spill Saints above pray for me

Nina: RIP Wylan

Wylan: NINA

Kaz: Why RIP Wylan?

Jesper: Because Nina is a menace and I need her to have her thumbs revoked.  Oh… Oh no okay got to go now BYE

Wylan: I fear I am about to be left a widower

Nina: RIP Kaz’s nose and Colm's plumbing 

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 30

The second day of school had just as many of Kaz’s nerves alight within seconds just as the first day had, but he pushed through with eager resolve to make it further than he had the day before.

Mr. Timmerman and Ms. Bos were surprised but pleased to see that he had already completed the homework as they weren’t expecting him to finish it until the end of the weekend if he did at all. Both of them were able to see the curiosity in his eyes despite the fear he carried in his shoulders. Neither knew exactly what happened to him beyond the general explanation that he had come from a severely abusive situation, but they were still relieved to see that there was an evident craving to learn and try new things.

Mr. Faber, on the other hand, begrudgingly acknowledged Kaz as he walked inside with Jesper. Kaz remained near the door until Jesper made sure his desk was in an appropriate position. The students looked at him with some curiosity and confusion as to why his desk had to be pulled out and near the wall, and a couple snickered and whispered to each other. Still, Kaz was actually able to focus somewhat on Faber’s words and expectations.

Kaz chose to ignore the pointed look from Faber as he waited for the class to clear out once the bell rang. He was going to take his damn sweet time and to hell with his impatience. He’d move slower to spite him and add some extra heaviness to his limp for good measure.

Prick.

Jesper and Wylan were waiting for him outside the door, and he was happy to see that Wylan was indeed able to make it. He wanted the support in their next class as he was feeling overwhelmed again.

“Nina and Matthias already claimed real estate out in the quad by the oak tree. Let’s go?” Wylan asked.

“Please. I’m going to steal food out of someone’s hands if we don’t eat soon,” Jesper answered. “Ready?”

Kaz nodded and did his best to not slow them down, but he had to stop halfway to their destination to catch his breath. Jesper and Wylan stopped and waited for him, but it made him feel uneasy and guilty.

“You can go…” he said with a shaky exhale.

“We can wait. No man left behind,” Jesper said.

“But you’re hungry.”

“So are you, right? It’s not like I have to wait an hour. It’s cool.”

Kaz conceded, and Wylan and Jesper chatted for a couple minutes until he was able to push himself forward and ignore the pain in his leg from having to sit at a desk for so long already. He hoped he’d get to stretch it out more once they found their other friends.

Once in the quad, he was relieved to see that it wasn’t nearly as packed as the cafeteria. Nina and Matthias had saved them a table right under the shade of the giant oak tree. They also had no problem with him using one of the bench seats alone so he could stretch his leg out on it and try to massage some of the pain away.

As he took care of his leg, Jesper fished out his lunch and painkillers. He wasn’t technically supposed to have them with him and was instead required to have them up at the nurse’s office. Colm told him to just keep it quiet so he could use them as needed and not have to make the painful trek down to the office.  His prescription was about to run out again as it was, so he’d be stuck with only Tylenol and Ibuprofen unless he decided to ask Dr. Galen for something else. He feared developing an addiction, so he would try and resist. There was that and the fear that she may give him something with the caveat that he consider surgery for his leg.

Not for as long as I can help it. I won’t do it all if I can get away with it. I’d rather deal with the pain than have to go back to the hospital.

“You feeling better today?” Matthias asked Kaz.

He nodded and said, “I don’t think my Kerch teacher likes me.”

Nina snorted and said, “Well, he’s an idiot. Who is it again?”

“Faber.”

Matthias snorted now and said, “That explains it. He’s a dick.”

“Really?” Kaz asked with concern despite him thinking something similar and being petty earlier.

“Just keep your head down and do what he wants, and he won’t piss you off too much. Well, except maybe when you have a question because then he acts like it’s the world’s most intense burden to answer you.”

Nina rolled her eyes thinking back on her own time with him as a teacher. Kaz figured he shouldn’t do anything else that might press his buttons. He was confident that Colm would protect him, but it was best not to poke the bear.

“He’s not exactly good at being accommodating,” Wylan complained. “Apparently audio books aren’t good enough for him. I had to be transferred to a different class. Don’t hesitate to demand that if you want to.”

Kaz looked to Jesper with some concern. Jesper gave him a little reassuring nod that he would be alright, and so Kaz turned back to his sandwich and elected to listen to their banter more than participate. He found that he felt comfort in Jesper’s familiar voice, and a similar sentiment was forming as he listened to the other three tease one another and laugh together. It sounded like safety.

“Kaz is lucky. He got an exemption for PE,” Nina complained which made Wylan giggle.

“Nina, I’m not sure him having a disability is a reason to be mad at him,” Matthias remarked.

Kaz looked up with worry between Nina and Jesper, but Jesper shook his head and whispered, “He’s joking.”

Nina, realizing that Kaz thought he made a mistake because of Matthias’s words, said, “I’m not mad! I’m just tempted to break my own leg so I don’t have to run a mile. Who gives a shit how fast it takes me to run a mile? When am I ever going to need to run a mile again after graduation? I’m not an athlete! Who gives a shit? Seriously?”

Kaz had nearly smirked the tiniest bit until her voice raised on her last word. He flinched slightly, but he composed himself and kept his eyes cast down.

“Running is good for you, Nina,” Matthias chided.

“Matthias, I love you. I do, but I swear to the Saints and Djel that I will end you if you even think about trying to drag me into one of your before dawn running sessions. I am meant to be lounging and nibbling chocolate on the beach.”

“That does sound lovely,” Wylan said dreamily.

Kaz had an idea. He reached into his backpack and pulled out one of his chocolate bars and slid it toward Nina. She burst into laughter which made him unsure if he had done something wrong.

“Kaz Rietveld, you are my new favorite person,” she said before sticking her tongue out at Matthias. “Let us indulge in the finer things in life.”

She opened the chocolate, took a piece, and passed it back to Kaz who ate some, too. He looked at Matthias and nudged it toward him to see if he wanted some.

With a deep sigh, Matthias stared at it and said, “Fine.”

“See, I knew I liked Kaz for a reason,” Nina sang as he took a piece.

Kaz slid the chocolate over to Jesper and Wylan as Matthias said, “Not his character? Just his magical ability to produce candy for you?”

“What are friends for if not to feed you on a whim? Hmm?”

Friends.

Kaz was smiling internally.

The bell rang, and all of them groaned except for Kaz.

Hey… I made it. I’m here longer today than I was yesterday.

Nina leaned toward Matthias and said, “Now go do a bench press and burn off the calories you just consumed.”

“You like that I can bench press as much as I can, little bird.”

“Doesn’t mean I won’t tease you.”

She kissed him forcefully on the lips, and Matthias nearly fell backwards off the bench.

“Hey, we only have one cane here and it’s currently in use,” Jesper warned with a laugh. “Don’t fall, you oafs.”

“Are you ready to go, Kaz?” Wylan asked. “Time for math.”

With an enthusiastic nod, Kaz stood and cleaned up his trash. Jesper kissed Wylan and quickly pranced away along with Matthias and Nina who all said their farewells.

As they made their way toward the math wing, his heart skipped a beat when they came upon a portion of the hall with wide double doors and large windows that revealed rows and rows of books and a sign that read, “library”.

“Can we go in?” Kaz asked hopefully.

Wylan glanced around and said, “We only have a few minutes before the bell rings.”

“Oh…”

Wylan felt awful because Kaz sounded so disappointed. He looked around again and figured they could be late just once. It was Kaz’s first day there in that class, so he was sure they could get away with it.

“Let’s go in. Just for a couple minutes, though. If you want something, be quick.”

“Okay.”

While Kaz still never really smiled, his eyes were alight like a child in a candy store. He made his way toward the fiction section and, trying to keep his promise, quickly picked a book on impulse.

“How many can we take?”

“Two.”

He grabbed another one without looking and then asked, “How can I come here if there is so little time between bells?”

“Your Kerch or World Folktales class should come here at least once a month, but it’s also open during lunch as well as before and after school. You can also get a pass to come if you really need to.”

Once at the counter, the librarian asked for his ID to scan. The bell rang then, and Kaz glanced at Wylan and felt a little bad for letting his excitement get the better of him. Wylan gave him a little smile to reassure him that he was fine, and Kaz packed away his new treasures and followed him to their next class.

Hopefully they’ll just assume I was too slow because of my cane.

“Hey, uh…” Wylan started. “So, our math teacher, Mr. DeHaan can be a little… odd.”

“Odd?”

“Eccentric. Silly. He might be loud sometimes, but you don’t have to be scared. He will never touch you. He just moves around and says weird things sometimes. He’s a very good teacher, though. He’ll always answer and explain things well. He’s just… potentially from another planet.”

Kaz wanted to know more, but they had already arrived.

Wylan was the first to go through the door as Kaz preferred, and he held it open for him to go inside and be greeted by spindly little man while a white tuft of hair on his head and a beard. His pressed dress shirt gave him the illusion of being a serious professional, yet his goofy smile and outstretched arms shattered that.

Kaz froze at the sudden movement from the teacher, and he waited for what was going to happen next. He could see Wylan cringe a little, but it wasn’t from fear. Kaz’s heart was beating fast, but he trusted Wylan’s words and just nodded toward the strange man who said, “Mr. Van Eck and Mr. Rietveld” in the slowest, drawn-out drawl.

 “Come! I have seats right here for you two.” He gestured toward two desks next to each other toward the wall while the rest of the desks were set up in pairs around the room. “I’m delighted to see you’re both here today! Seems the sprites got to you yesterday. Alas, we were cast into the throes of anguish but now you’re here. All better now…”

 Kaz cautiously made his way to his desk and sat down. As soon as his cane was settled against it, he let out a shaky breath and glanced at Wylan for reassurance that everything was still okay. Wylan gave him a small nod while pulling out his laptop and putting in one of his earbuds.

Mr. DeHaan launched into the day’s lecture while Wylan punched in a password. Confused, Kaz looked at his keyboard and saw that the keys he needed were labeled with music notes which allowed him to know what to press and in what order.

Clever.

The rest of the period left Kaz increasingly interested in the topics at hand despite being nervous around the teacher who was somehow more energetic than Jesper. It was almost impressive, but Kaz was left wondering what on earth had gotten into the man, especially when he talked to invisible sprites inside of his cabinets when he retrieved papers from them.

Despite the eccentricities and overall otherworldliness of the period, Kaz enjoyed himself enough to not want to hide away. Mr. DeHaan had mercy on him and focused his attention on all of the other students. As silly as he was, he was respectful of Kaz’s boundaries and needs. He was also quick to praise him after looking at his practice work, and that always made Kaz feel good about himself.

Next, Wylan took Kaz to physics and they sat with Matthias. Kaz was a bit lost, but Wylan patiently explained the concepts he had missed during those first days of school. Their teacher Mrs. Linden also didn’t hesitate to explain things when she noticed that he was confused. Kaz was happy the class wasn’t supposed to be too hard, and he knew he’d get the hang of everything soon enough. Physics just wasn’t something he’d ever thought or learned about, so he had to start from the bare basics.

After physics, both Wylan and Matthias walked Kaz to his final class of the day. He was glad for both of them as he was feeling exhausted. Every time another student passed by him, it felt like his skin was touching electricity. Moving forward was getting increasingly difficult, and Matthias noticed that he was having a hard time.

“Hey, let’s pause here,” he said to Wylan. “Kaz, put your back against the wall. Come on.”

“Wh-what?” Kaz asked between ragged breaths.

“Lean against the wall, Kaz,” Wylan gently suggested.

Kaz complied, and he closed his eyes and listened to the sound of Wylan’s exaggerated breaths so he could regulate his own. It took a couple minutes, but he was able to manage. However, he jumped when the bell rang unexpectantly.

He looked at them and whispered, “S-sorry.”

“It’s okay. You’re more important than the bell,” Matthias said, though Wylan looked a little nervous still.

Not wanting to be a burden, Kaz said, “I can go the rest of the way. Where is it?”

“We can take you, Kaz.”

He shook his head and said, “You’re late because of me. I don’t want to be a problem.”

Wylan, looking guilty, said, “You’re not a problem. Come on, let’s go, yeah?”

Seeing as there was no point in arguing, Kaz complied and went with them the rest of the way to the classroom. Matthias ended up going inside with him while Wylan took off down the hall once he knew they were safely inside.

“Hello!”

The teacher, Ms. Vos, greeted him and led him to the front corner near her desk, and Matthias took his leave. The room had two rows of tables lined with computers in the center and another line of tables along the walls with the same computer setup. Kaz had the corner to himself and nobody sitting next to or behind him. In fact, the chairs were removed to make sure he had the space.  

The first task he was given was learning how to type. The only time he’d ever touched a computer was when Colm handed him the laptop to pick things out that he needed him to buy. Staring at the keyboard and the monitor felt overwhelming, but Ms. Vos took the time to show him everything he needed to do in order to access the typing program.

Fortunately, like most things, Kaz picked it up pretty quickly. It felt a little awkward with his gloves, but he was getting the hang of it. It wasn’t much different than needing to master the mechanics of shuffling cards or doing any other delicate task with his gloved fingers.

As he focused, time actually passed by very quickly to his surprise, and the final bell of the day had rung. He sat in stunned silence.

I… I made it to the end of the day. I did it.

***

That night, Colm ordered pizza for the boys as a celebration of Kaz’s first full day of school. Neither were expecting it, so it was a nice surprise. Colm was also happy to hear that Mr. Faber was better behaved and that the rest of the day had gone as well as they could have hoped for.

Seeing how proud Colm was made Kaz feel good. He wanted to keep making him proud and happy with his choices. Colm had been fine with him leaving early the day before, and Kaz was sure he would have been okay with it today if he had needed to, but he was determined not to disappoint. He felt proud of himself for having stuck it out. If he had another bad day, he hoped he could get through it, and if didn’t he’d deal with it then.

At least I know that I can do it.

Kaz ate happily after telling Colm a little about his classes, but he was completely exhausted. His eyes were drooping, and it was only six o’clock.

“I think you should probably go get some rest, a chuilien. You look like you’ve had it for the day,” Colm suggested.

“It’s so early though,” Kaz reasoned.

“True, but you’re still healing. I’m not surprised you’re this tired. How’s your leg feeling?”

“Sore.”

It was throbbing a lot more than usual, and he tried to ignore the pain that shot through his shin and up through his femur.

“Want the heating pad?”

“Yes, please.”

Kaz gave in to his body’s demands after eating one more slice. He nearly settled in the middle of the stairs and slept there to avoid the rest of the painful climb up. After some rest, he managed the rest of the stairs and got ready for bed.

A few minutes after he had thoroughly turned himself into a burrito between his blankets and Crow, Colm came with the heat pack and giggled.

“How are you going to use this if you can’t even locate your own leg in all of that?”

Kaz shrugged and said, “I have ways.”

Colm laughed again, placed it on the end of the bed, and said, "Alright. Well, here you go. I’ll let you handle it then.”

“Thank you for bringing it.”

“No problem. Good night.”

“Night.”

Kaz plugged the heating pad into the wall beside the bed and stuffed it down to where he wanted it. It would shut off if it became too hot, so he didn’t have to worry about a fire hazard. That, and he had the switch easily accessible should he feel it starting to hurt.

Ding!

Pulling out his phone, he was surprised to see a new group text.

Operation Van Sun Shinier

6:42 PM

Jesper: Mr. Van Sunshine is to complete another revolution around the sun. It’s time to discuss birthday gifts. He doesn’t want to do much this year, but I still want him to feel loved. Thoughts on gift ideas?

Nina: What are you getting him?

Jepser: A game and a toy chemistry set. He has beef with chem, but he’s going to get a good laugh out of this

Nina: clever bastard

Jesper: Well, he is my man. I need to make him laugh

Nina: Can I make him those brownies he really likes? I’m a bit low on allowance this month. You can thank the jackasses in charge of me

Matthias: I can help out, too

Nina: You get him whatever you want, love. I know he can’t resist my brownies so I’m taking all the glory

Birthday? I need to give him something? I don’t know how… Do I ask? How should I… um… Okay. Just be honest

Kaz: Can you help me? I don’t know what to do.

Jesper: Oh! I have some suggestions, sure. I can show you tomorrow? We’ll talk to my da. There are a few records I know he wants

Kaz: Okay. Thanks.

Jesper: Np

Kaz’s eyes weren’t staying open anymore. He wanted to ask more questions and read what they were all saying, but he had to put his phone on silent. The pull of sleep was just too strong, and this was a situation that demanded he be rested for. He’d talk to Jesper in the morning.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 31

“So, how were your first few days of school? I’ve been really excited to hear about it,” Genya told Kaz once he was settled in his customary place in her office.

Kaz, having just come from school after having been picked up by Colm, sat still with his eyes cast down. It made her worried as his posture wasn’t from someone who had been having a good time. She noted that he was fidgeting with his cane again.

After a while, Kaz cleared his throat and explained, “I stayed the whole day on Thursday and Friday.”

“That’s amazing,” she said with a glowing smile.

“I guess.”

“You don’t think so?”

He shook his head.

“I was in too much pain to go yesterday, and today I was still so tired. I went today and… Something happened.”

Earlier that day…

Mr. Faber had left him alone that morning, but they were all expected to do group work on a short story analysis. Kaz was allowed to work on his own as his accommodations called for, but Faber looked at him with annoyance. Some of the other students felt the same way shown by the groaning about how they wanted to work on their own.

One boy, Eamon, had to make a point of complaining loudly. Kaz watched him without allowing their eyes to meet. The boy’s disdain was making him nervous.

He doesn’t like me. I can feel it.

“Why does he get special treatment?”

“Oh, shut up, Eamon.”

The sneering, irritated tone came from a girl who sat in the column of desks nearest to Kaz. Her hair was blond and shaved on the side, and she was dressed in torn jeans and a band shirt. She looked like she wanted to be anywhere but there and that she might just rip Eamon’s tongue out if he opened his mouth again.

She spoke again to say, “You just don’t like being the dumbest one in the group, so you’re trying to hide it. It’s too late, we already know you’re the dumbest one in any group you’re put in, so stop pretending it’s because you actually want to do any work.”

“Both of you keep quiet or you’re going up to the office,” Faber snapped.

The girl laughed under her breath and cocked her head to the side as an open challenge for Faber to go through with the threat. Eamon shut his mouth though, so nothing more came of the situation.

Kaz went back to work, but soon a note was passed over to him when Faber’s back was turned. He jumped a little at the appearance of the paper in front of him. The girl looked at him for a moment before turning back to her own work.

He unfolded it quietly and read it.

“Hey, I’m Anika. I know you don’t talk, and I don’t expect you to. If you ever need help, let me know. This class is full of fucking idiots.”

Kaz almost laughed at the last sentence, and he folded the paper up and slipped it into his pocket. He caught Anika’s eye and gave her a little nod. She returned it and didn’t spare him another glance the rest of the period. 

I wonder if I can trust her. I hope she doesn’t want something from me. Doesn’t seem like it. I’ll keep an eye on her. It would be good to have an ally in here.

Halfway through the class, Anika went to the bathroom. He only looked at her for a moment before looking back at his work. His hand was cramping, and he tried to massage the pain away which distracted him.

A pencil bounced off his head, and his hand flew up to feel the impact site. The pencil had fallen and clattered onto the floor, and Faber looked up with his usual annoyed face. Kaz looked around, and the snicker to his right told him that it was Eamon.

He tried to ignore it.

I’m safe here. Nobody can hurt me here, right? He’s just being mean because Anika pissed him off… And because he’s mad at me for working on my own. It’s not my fault.

Another object bounced off his head, and he could feel himself starting to become afraid. He kept his eyes cast down and ignored the titters from Eamon and his friend Shay.

“Hey, Rietveld, what’s with the gloves?” Eamon whispered.

“Why ask? He’s a fucking retard,” Shay answered.

“That’s not very nice,” another girl chimed in. “Don’t say stuff like that.”

“Mind your business,” Eamon snapped.

Faber, meanwhile, was engrossed in his work on his computer and no longer paid attention to what was happening in his classroom. Kaz was sure that he wouldn’t really care even if he had been paying attention.

Then, a sharp pain hit him just above his eye. Eamon had thrown a sharpened pencil, and the tip glanced off him at just the right angle and into the soft flesh to hurt a little. That caused him to shove his chair back violently and to cover his head with his hands to protect himself. The pain he felt may not have compared to the pain he had experienced in the Rollins house or in his leg every day, but it was enough to ignite a fierce blaze of fear. The pencil could have seriously damaged his eye, and that scared him even more.

The sound of the chair caught Faber’s attention, and he eyed Kaz while wondering what was causing his distress and distracting outburst.

“What’s going on?” he asked, obviously irritated.

“Eamon is throwing stuff at Kaz!” the girl said.

Faber sighed like he didn’t want to be bothered with disciplinary action.

“He what?!”

Anika had come back in the door just in time to hear what was happening. Eamon, visibly startled, held his hands up to show that they were empty to imply his innocence.

“Your hands are empty because you already threw the stuff at him, you genius,” Anika quipped.

The voices were raising, and Faber’s inability or unwillingness to get it all under control meant that the volume only increased. Kaz couldn’t take it anymore, and so he grabbed his bag and cane and made his way out the door while ignoring Faber’s attempts at getting his attention.

He wasn’t even sure where he was going. He just needed to get the hell away from that room. He didn’t want to go back. He wanted a different teacher like Wylan suggested.

I’m not safe there. They hurt me. I’m not safe.

Just then, another student came out of their classroom in a hurry, and Kaz was in front of the door. The student lightly crashed against his arm as he flew out.

“Sorry!” he called while running.

Kaz was now careening down the hall in search of anywhere to hide. His breathing was coming out in strained wheezing, and his eyes, wild and searching, were welling up with tears.

Like a beacon in the night of a storm, he stumbled upon the library and made his way inside as quickly and quietly as he could. The librarian looked at him with some concern, but her attention was pulled back to the student she was helping at the front desk. That gave Kaz the chance to find a more secluded corner between the shelves toward the back of the room.

He threw himself against the corner and slid to the floor in a shivering heap as he hugged his cane. His leg was still hurting a lot, but he managed to pull it up to his chest along with his left so he could make himself small.

Home. I want to go home. Want home. Why can’t I be left alone? Someone will always want to hurt me. I don’t understand. Why do people want to cause me pain? I want to go home. I want Jesper… 

He buried his face into his crossed arms that rested atop his knees. The darkness offered a little calmness to his racing thoughts and heart. He heard a few footsteps nearby that would come around the shelves and then retreat after he assumed they saw him. The last set of footsteps that came ten minutes later, however, did not retreat.

“Hey.”

Kaz wiped his wet cheeks against his sleeves before looking up to see that Jesper had found him. He took in his first full breath since he felt the pencil impact above his eye.

“Jes?” he asked, hopeful that his eyes weren’t tricking him.

A moment of quiet passed between them, and then Jesper lowered himself to sit cross-legged in front of him.

“Anika told me what happened.”

He sniffled and asked, “You know her?”

“Yeah. We have a class together. She texted me. I went to your class and got your work for you, so don’t worry about that. We should tell my da what happened, though.”

Kaz shook his head.

“Why not?”

“Because Anika stood up for me and it just made things worse.”

Jesper sighed and said, “It’s not okay, though. That asshat shouldn’t be doing that.”

Kaz didn’t say anything, and Jesper didn’t want to push him. Instead, he moved so he could sit with his back against the wall, too. Then, he got an idea.

“You know, we are in the library. I know damn well you already finished the books you checked out. Want to look for some more? We have time before lunch, and we can even stay longer if you want. I don’t mind.”

Kaz looked up and, after some hesitation, asked, “Really?”

“Hell yeah. Let’s go?”

Kaz was able to find a few books that he wanted, but he was struggling to decide which one to put back for later. The librarian walked by and was witness to his internal struggle as Jesper looked on sympathetically with a sweet smile. After thinking on his dilemma, she backtracked and said, “You can get all of them.”

Now Kaz looked at her with more excitement than residual fear.

“Come on. Let me check you out.”

That had made his day better, but seeing Eamon and Shay later in the day in the hall with their other friend Eroll made the worry come back that he was going to be hurt by them. He just wanted to be left alone, and so he ignored them as best he could while staying as far away as possible.

Present time…

“Are you sure you won’t tell Colm about what happened? He can get you switched to another class,” Genya reminded him.

“I thought about switching, but I don’t want to be a coward,” Kaz said with sadness.

“Do you think Wylan is a coward for having switched?”

“No, that’s different. They weren’t accommodating his reading disability. That wasn’t right.”

“And you’re not being accommodated. You’re not being given the environment you need to learn and work in. That’s not right, either.”

Not knowing what else he could say, Kaz just said, “I’ll think about it.”

“Alright. What about the rest of your classes? Everything going alright as far as the workload?”

Kaz nodded. “I like them. I like doing the homework.”

Genya laughed and said, “You’re the first child I’ve ever heard say that.”

“Is that bad?” Kaz asked with concern.

“Not at all. Just means you really love learning. That’s admirable and a wonderful quality.”

Kaz’s cane kept twisting around and around in his hands as he thought on her words, but he didn’t have a tight grip like he usually did when he was nervous or frightened. Still, around and around it went, over and over between his long, nimble fingers.

***

“… and then they gave me the wrong specs. I had to go through every single page with this guy again. It was really an unfortunate use of my time.”

Genya rested her face in her hands and listened with rapt attention to David, though her eyes kept going to his hand that twirled the string on his hoodie.

“Yuri actually tried to tell me that he was going to go over my head to argue his stance. I told him, ‘Good luck because you’ll only hit the ceiling. Shame if you were to get a concussion’.”

He giggled at his joke, and Genya kept smiling, eyes still wandering down to the way he twirled the string.

“Gem, are you alright?”

“Hmm?”

He leaned down to try and catch her eye. It only worked when both of his hands reached for hers.

“Oh. Sorry.”

“You missed my joke,” he pouted.

“No! I heard you. I’m sorry. It was very clever and funny. I’m just a bit distracted.”

“By…?” he inquired as he squeezed her fingers from across the table.

They had gone out to a diner for a cheap date night before their planned outing to watch an old horror movie at the rundown, ancient theater down the block. Genya felt guilty for taking her work with her again because she couldn’t really share anything despite how much it was distracting her. She supposed this one thing wouldn’t hurt.

“You’re stimming,” she declared.

“Am I?”

He looked down at himself as if to look for proof.

“I mean, you were. My patient does it a lot, too. You were playing with the drawstring. You do that with other objects, too.”

Realization came, and David said, “Ah, yes. Helps me concentrate and not feel so jittery.”

“Right. I just never thought that perhaps I should have things in my office for my patients to play with. It might help them. Give them something else to focus on.”

David pulled his hands away and pulled his phone out. The server came by then and placed their burgers and fries in front of them and asked if they needed anything in the meantime. Genya thanked her and said no for both herself and David seeing as he couldn’t pull himself away longer than the time he needed to push his plate to the side.

“David?”

He held up one finger, and then slid his phone over about fifteen seconds later.

“I recommend these. There are toys appropriate for children and adults. Some are more complicated for both age groups. Start with these? Might make a good collection.”

Genya looked them over. There was a variety of stimming toys that were plastic, wooden, metal, squishy, puzzles, soft textures, rings, and more.

“How did you find these so fast?!”

“I have them saved,” he shrugged.

“You never bought any?”

“I might. Haven’t felt like I needed them yet. I feel like they might distract me more than help, but perhaps I’ll find one I must have. At least if you get all of these, I can try them and then you can take them all to your office. Now…” he pointed at her and adopted the most serious expression she’d ever seen. “I’m only trying them because I know you’re going to ask me to, regardless. I’m fine, my gem. You let me worry about my stimmy things and you use these to help your sad patient.”

“How do you always know?!” she asked exasperated and wondered if her face was breaking rules of confidentiality by this point.

“Because I know you. Must I always remind you?”

He smiled, took her hand back, kissed it, and then released it to shake his hands out a little.

“Now, I’m going to eat these fries before they get cold.”

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 32

After his appointment with Genya, Kaz was determined to not allow the rest of the day to be spoiled. He was still able to accompany Colm and Jesper to the shop on the way home to pick up some wrapping paper for the presents they had for Wylan. They both picked out a paper covered in planets and stars that Jesper knew he would like.

Once they were home, Colm set to making dinner while Jesper taught Kaz how to giftwrap. As Jesper had suggested, Kaz asked Colm if he could use some of his money to get Wylan a record or two. The order arrived after a couple of days as did Jesper’s gag gift of a children’s chemistry set. Jesper also got him a video game that he’d been hoping to get soon.

Kaz had to try a few times before he managed to get the paper the right size and folded the way it needed to be without it looking like a five-year-old had made his best attempt. He might not have remembered what it was like to have a birthday himself or do something for another person’s birthday, but he wanted to do it right so Wylan would be happy. Wylan had been nothing but kind, so he hoped he could repay him this way.

With the presents wrapped, Kaz returned to his room to do his homework before he passed out for the night. He was entirely exhausted and was ready to just drop onto the bed as soon as he walked into his room. Still, he tried to be responsible and finish up his work despite knowing that he had more time allowed to finish assignments.

He sat at his desk and tried to fill out the answers to a history worksheet that he had to do, but it was like he was staring at a different language. He figured he’d have to give up for the night and just sleep. 

If only his dreams would allow him to feel rested.

The next morning, his eyes drifted open with lingering memories of Jordie slipping away. He’d dreamed of the last time he’d seen Jordie open a present on his birthday. Thoughts of birthdays and milestones hadn’t crossed his mind in years. He thought he should feel sad at the memory, and he supposed he did. It’s just that it felt unreal. Wylan having a birthday that they were expected to celebrate felt unreal – like an event in a game that he had to encounter to progress in the story.

A notification on his phone pulled his attention. It was Jesper reminding everyone that Wylan didn’t want a big deal made out of his birthday and that the gifts were more than he expected. He didn’t elaborate on why, and nobody pried.

I wonder if he’s sad, too.

They met in the morning, but Wylan was running a bit late, so they’d just see him at lunch. Kaz was looking forward to it, but he had to survive the first half of the day.

As usual, his first two classes were enjoyable, but a pit in his stomach sucked the energy out of him as the bell sounded to signal the end of his second period. Jesper could tell from the look on his face when he came to accompany him to Faber’s class.

“Want me to crash the class with you? Or I can send Nina in. Faber would have a hell of a time kicking her out.”

Kaz almost laughed, but he shook his head. He wanted to keep trying and not allow Eamon or Shay ruin his time there. As a last resort, he could switch to a different class. He just needed to try a little more for his own sake. It was the principle of not giving up. There was a dark part of him that believed he’d given up enough and that he was now being given opportunities to prove he could endure something that was hard even if it was barely a whisper of hurt in the rage of painful experiences that shaped who he had become.

I have to try. I want to try. They’re nothing compared to the people who hurt me before.

Try as he might, he could still feel himself wilt when he walked into the room and heard the suppressed laughter from the same area of the room where those who antagonized him lurked. Anika was quick to turn around and stare them down, and they quieted themselves. Kaz appreciated her help the day before and appreciated it now, though he hoped it wouldn’t come back to bite him in the ass should the idiots decide to escalate anything.

Faber only gave him a sidelong glance before beginning his lecture of the day. He must have known better than to give Kaz any grief for walking out during class. The last thing he wanted was another earful from Colm, and Kaz still didn’t want Colm to know that he was having more issues in that class. He could handle it.

Well…  I can handle it with Jesper’s help and Anika’s, too. That’s okay, right?

The period went by without any problems, and Anika even gave Kaz a few sheets of notes from the first week of school that he had missed. He looked over the content and realized that Faber hadn’t bothered to give him any of that material, and he nearly glared at the man out of an early defiant habit he once had. He quickly tamed his gaze and looked over the content more and then mouthed “thanks” to Anika who responded with a quick nod.

She’s really nice. I’m glad she’s here.

Once the period was over, Jesper was already at the door coming in. That took Kaz by surprise, but Jesper just flashed him a cocky smile while greeting Faber with a flamboyant “hello”. Faber rolled his eyes, and Jesper sidled up next to Kaz with his bag holding both of their gifts.

“How was it?” he whispered.

Kaz nodded to indicate that it had gone well, and Anika walked by saying, “The children managed to play nice today.”

“Ah, bless. We won’t have to call their mothers.”

“No, but I’m not opposed to kicking their asses around like a soccer ball as a hobby,” she said before walking away.

Jesper snorted and said, “Come on”. The room had cleared out, so it was safer to move without anyone getting too close to Kaz. Jesper had noted that he was a little more skittish than usual after that person had crashed into him the day before.

Once in the quad, they went directly for what had become their table under the oak tree to find that Nina had already set out her tray of brownies. Matthias had a card in a blue envelope in front of him, and Wylan was wandering over.

“Wylan. Sit. Birthday brownies. Starving.”

“Nina, did you forget how to use full sentences?” Matthias asked in amusement.

“I’m hungry! I skipped breakfast!” Nina complained.

Matthias eyed her with concern while Wylan smiled with an eye roll and said, “Dig in.”

“I don’t want to be rude, but if you insist…”

Nina pulled out a brownie and plopped it onto a small paper plate and shoved it toward Wylan. She got herself one next. While Wylan didn’t want a big deal made out of his birthday, she genuinely didn’t want to be rude and break the tradition of the birthday boy getting the first treat. She might bite into it first now, but that was beside the point.

After biting into it and rolling her head back, she said, “I have outdone myself. Everyone have some. I made two trays, so Wylan has plenty to take home.”

Kaz sat down and stretched his leg under the table while being careful to keep it far enough away to not bet bonked accidentally. The others glanced down to take note of where he was to be extra careful as well.

While they all grabbed a brownie for themselves, Jesper asked Wylan, “Would you like your gifts now? I have a bag you can keep them in here.”

Wylan looked up with wide eyes as if he forgot that anyone was giving him gifts. Kaz could see that his mind was elsewhere, and he wondered if he was alright.

“Oh, um… Yes. Okay. Sure.”

Jesper pulled out the gifts he and Kaz got and placed them on the table while Matthias shoved an envelope over to rest next to them. Wylan opened the envelope first and found two tickets to a weekend play in a couple weeks. It was a musical that Wylan enjoyed the soundtrack to.

Again, eyes wide, Wylan said, “Oh wow! Um, thank you! I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I thought you and Jesper could have a good time there.”

“I’ll even dress up for you,” Jesper teased. “Here, love, I’ll put them in the bag.”

“Thanks.”

Next, Wylan picked up the square shaped package that said, “from Kaz” which Jesper whispered to him. He admired the paper before carefully tearing the tape to open so he could salvage and reuse the paper for another occasion. He smiled again when he saw the two records from a newer favorite artist of his.

“Thank you, Kaz. I’ll listen to these when I get home.”

Kaz cleared his throat and said, “You’re welcome.”

Good, I did it right.

Finally, Wylan opened up the video game at Jesper’s suggestion and then the gag gift at the end. He finally burst out into laughter and leaned against Jesper’s shoulder. Nina cackled and asked to see the box that pictured a child with an ash-covered face, dirty goggles, and hair standing straight up caused by some kind of chemical explosion.

“You’ve already done that in the lab here, haven’t you?” Nina asked.

“Now I can do it at home. That will go over well,” Wylan said with a smirk, but Kaz could see the sadness in it.

“I get to play with it too, right?” Jesper asked innocently.

“I think your da wants me to bring you back home with all fingers attached.”

“Isn’t this for children?” Matthias asked.

“I don’t see how that changes what I said,” Wylan shot back with a giggle.

Jesper tickled his sides in retaliation before kissing him on the cheek. Then, he gathered the gifts and tucked them safely into the bag before handing it over to Wylan.

“Happy birthday, love. We won’t sing for you today, but maybe I’ll sing for you later.”

“Yeah, you can blow out a candle or two later together,” Nina said suggestively with an eyebrow waggle.

Kaz did not catch onto her innuendo’s meaning, but Jesper stiffened and changed the subject quickly to a movie they all needed to watch together. Because of his quick thinking, Kaz didn’t have enough time to inquire about what she had said, and the rest of their lunch went smoothly.

***

Around five o’clock that evening, Kaz wandered out of his room with the intention of stretching his legs on a short walk before finishing his homework before dinner. Instead, he found Jesper on the couch with his head down and sniffling quietly. 

Jesper looked up when he heard the tap of Kaz’s cane on the steps, and he wiped his nose before looking away. Kaz looked to see if he was hurt, but he didn’t see anything obvious. Fear started burning in his belly, and he came around to get a better look without getting too close.

“Are you okay?” Kaz asked quietly. 

Jesper sniffled again and said, “Yeah. Therapy. You know.”

Confused, Kaz asked, “Oh, I didn’t know you… Genya?”

“No. We don’t cross contaminate therapists in this house,” he said with a laugh. “It’s a different therapist, so don’t worry. I meet with her online because it’s the only time she has available and it’s easier to meet this way. We clicked really well before school started so I didn’t want to give her up when we had to change our schedule. It’s just… um…”

Jesper looked unsure about what he wanted to say, but Kaz’s interest remained. Perhaps that was what briefly gave him the courage to continue saying what was on his mind.

“We talked about my ma. Not even sure how we got onto the topic but… yeah. Anyway, I’m going to play some video games if you’re not planning on using the TV.”

Kaz shook his head.

“Cool.”

Instead of going for a walk, Kaz felt compelled to stay nearby. He had the feeling that Jesper didn’t want to be alone but was too nervous to ask him to stay. So, he wandered to the kitchen to find a light snack to nibble on so he could remain close by without smothering him just in case.

As he munched on some carrots, he listened to the sounds from the living room. Jesper was playing Mario Kart, and once again, it sounded like chaos. Curiosity got the better of him, and he wandered out to watch. Kaz had played a few video games when he was young because Jordie had a system, but he didn't play much himself. He’d usually just watch. 

“Hey, want to try?” Jesper asked, hope evident in his eyes.

Kaz considered the offer, and he didn’t see the harm in it. It was just the two of them, so if he messed it up he might be alright. Jesper clearly did want the company as he suspected, so he’d indulge him.

“Okay.”

Excited, Jes put the controller on the table so Kaz could grab it and then he explained all the buttons. Kaz picked it up quickly enough, and he felt a little bit of excitement himself once he got the hang of it.

“There you go! Okay, see that icon at the center? That mushroom gives you a speed boost. Whoops, don’t go off the road!”

Kaz’s lips quirked a tiny bit, but his smile remained inside as it usually did.

“Okay that thing you just collected… Yeah, that. That's a red shell. Those lock onto targets. Release them to send other players flying. Green is a free for all mess that needs to be aimed. Blue shells take out the person in first place…”

Kaz ran over a banana and went careening into a wall which set Jesper into a fit of laughter.

Unable to help it, Kaz let out his own slight huff of a laugh that was barely audible as his lips twitched into the smallest smile once more before fading.

Seeing this, Jesper smiled even bigger and asked, “Alright, ready to start over and try an actual race?”

“Okay. Wait, why do I have a mystery box?”

Looking giddy, Jesper explained, “Ah. That's a fake. Plant them in piles of them to make other players crash. Or hold it behind you to act as a shield.”

“I think I got it.”

The two played several rounds with Jesper winning most until Kaz was able to improve and come close to defeating him. Even if Kaz remained reserved, he and Jesper were both having a blast, and Colm smiled at the sight of them when he came back in after his work was finished. He didn’t interrupt to even greet them and just went straight to the kitchen to start dinner for the evening.

After the last race was concluded, Jesper sighed and leaned back into the couch as if he had just finished some great feat of athleticism. Kaz placed the controller on the table and leaned back into the chair to almost mirror him.

Jesper looked over at him, bliss fading to something akin to guilt. Kaz cocked his head as a way to ask him what was wrong.

“I’m… um. I’m sorry about earlier.”

“What do you mean?” Kaz asked.

“About… you know. Being upset.”

Kaz was puzzled by that as he’d lost count of the times he’d been upset himself since moving into their house. All he could think to say was, “Don’t be sorry. It’s okay.”

Jesper nodded, and his gaze soon drifted toward the alter where his mother’s portrait stood. There was a pain on his face that Kaz could understand.

“I’m sorry about your ma,” Kaz couldn’t help but say.  

“You didn’t kill her,” Jesper said, though he looked like he regretted it immediately. He didn’t mean to sound angry.

Not taking offense, Kaz confessed, “Mine died when I was little. I miss her.”                        

That gave Jesper pause. Of course, Jesper knew that Kaz’s parents were likely dead and gone. Why else would he be there with them now after being subjected to the worst torture he could imagine without knowing any explicit details?

Turning back to Kaz, he said, “How? Can I ask that?”

“Cancer,” Kaz replied quietly.

Jesper gave him a look, and something inside of him seemed to grow darker while also somehow seeming like weight was lifting away from him.

“Mine, too. It fucking sucks.”

“Yeah.”

“How old were you?”

“Six, I think.”

“Eight. It’s just… It’s really not fair. Some days I just want my ma, and I can’t have her. I still talk to her, but she’s really shitty about answering me, you know?”

Jesper said this with his typical goofy grin, but Kaz could see right through him. He was hurting. There were no words to be said that could ever fix it. Nothing to be said to soothe him. He knew all too well the hollowness left behind when your own mother died far too soon.

“Anyway. I smell food. Let’s go!”

And with that, Jesper erased all semblance of pain from his voice and body while skipping away into the kitchen to greet Colm. Kaz remained for a few moments longer and thought about all the times he’d prayed and cried out to his own mama for help only to be met with the most gut-wrenching silence.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 33

Ever since Kaz had moved into the Fahey house, he’d feared that everything was too good to be true. So far, Colm and Jesper had proven to him that they were a haven of safety after so many years of terror. He had hoped that school would prove to be a place of similar safety, and that had been shown to be mostly the case with the exception being the idiots in Faber’s class and Faber himself.

Wylan’s birthday on the 20^th and the day after saw no incident like before with Anika’s watchful eye and their fear of whatever brand of violence she might be compelled to mete out. Kaz didn’t fear any of her threatening looks as they were all reserved for Eamon and Shay. The looks she gave him were neutral or eyerolls about something stupid somebody said.

Overall, he was feeling alright with his experience with school so far despite how exhausting and nerve-wracking it was. He was determined to keep it up, and slowly but surely, he was settling into a sense of normalcy that he was able to tolerate.

That Friday, however, brought with it a deviation from the norm that he had become accustomed to. Mr. Faber was absent, and in his place was a substitute teacher. Jesper saw before Kaz did, and he looked between the two with worry before chewing on his lip while quickly thinking about what they should do.

“Do you want me to go in with you?” Jesper finally asked.

“Who is that?” Kaz asked, clearly worried by the way he stepped back.

“It looks like a sub.”

“Sub?”

“Yeah, when your teacher is sick or has somewhere else to be, they’ll bring in somebody else to teach for the day.”

“Oh. Okay.”

The sub, a portly, middle-aged man with far too much chest hair billowing out of his open polo shirt, caught sight of them through the window on the door. He impatiently beckoned them forward.

“Go in with you?” Jesper asked one more time.

Obviously unsure as he twisted his cane around nervously, Kaz still insisted, “No, I’ll be okay.”

“Alright then,” Jesper said with a hesitant tone. “Maybe the bright side is that it isn’t Faber. Anyway, Wy and I will grab you afterward for lunch.”

Kaz nodded and entered the room. He carefully made his way over to the seat while the sub’s back was turned to write something on the board. Once he was seated, the sub turned to him and said, “Nice of you to join us.”

As usual, Kaz didn’t say anything as he still did not feel comfortable speaking in class. All of his energy was still needed to regulate himself and maintain the ability to concentrate on learning. That, and he would still scan the room and the people around him to be cautious. He knew better than anyone that a threat could come from anywhere. He just didn’t expect it to come from a teacher.

Kaz began taking his books out for the day as well as the homework he did over the weekend. As he was zipping his bag up, he noticed the teacher staring at his hands.

“Take your gloves off. You’re inside and it’s only September.”

Kaz went completely still.

He’s talking to me. Why is he telling me to take them off? I’m allowed to wear them. Why would he tell me to take them off?

“Are you deaf? I told you to take those off. You don’t need them inside.”

Bewildered and frightened, Kaz looked at his hands and then at Anika who was staring at the sub like she couldn’t believe how stupid he was. Kaz placed his hands in his lap and looked down.

“Mr. Achterberg, he’s allowed to wear those,” Anika said with what was likely the only patience she had in her for the day. 

He looked at her with disdain and said, “Does he not speak for himself?”

Abandoning all pretense of respect, Anika sneered and said, “No. He doesn’t talk, and he doesn’t have to. It’s in his education plan. He also doesn’t need to take the gloves off. It’s written in it!”

Annoyed, Achterberg said, “I don’t know about any plan.” He turned to Kaz, the need to throw around his perceived power, and he leaned toward him with a hand on his hip and one stretched out palm up expectantly. He then commanded, “Take them off and give them to me now.”

Kaz tucked his hands between his thighs and froze again. Achterberg was loud, and he held the tone of so many of his abusers when he didn’t do exactly what they wanted.

“If you don’t take them off, you’re going to go up to the office!”

Yes. Office. I want to go there. Colm told me it was safe there.

Kaz went to stand up, and Achterberg walked over and grabbed his cane. Horrified, Kaz pulled his hands back and shrank away.

“Sweet fucking Saints, look at him…”

Kaz could hear Shay whisper about the way he was behaving, but he couldn’t react as he eyed the way Achterberg held his cane.

“You shouldn’t have this at your desk, either. What is this doing here?”

“For fucks sake, are you dense?! He’s disabled. You can’t just take that!” Anika yelled while standing up.

“You don’t speak to me that way!”

“You just stole a disabled person’s cane!”

“Disabled? He’s a kid!”

Kaz was breathing harder with every passing second. He put his hands up over his ears as Anika and Achterberg yelled at each other.

“Give it back to him!”

“He has no business having this.”

Kaz was whimpering from the shouting, and Anika noticed immediately.

“Oh shit, he’s going to have a meltdown. Kaz, I’m sorry.”

She pulled her phone out and called Jesper while Achterberg yelled at her to put it away. The other students were trying to stand up to him now and tell him to stop yelling.

“Shit, his phone must be on silent. Pim, go get Jesper and admin.”

A bigger boy with shaggy hair stood up and asked, “What classroom is Jesper in now?”

“E4.”

Pim took off running, and Achterberg yelled “Excuse me!” As he did, he raised his arms in exasperation. With that motion, the cane raised quickly, and a blood curdling scream left Kaz who then fell to the floor onto his knees. He bent over and covered his head and neck with his arms to protect himself.  

The scream finally made Achterberg pause and look at Kaz with his mouth agape.

“Put his cane down!”

“What is wrong with you?!”

Everyone was shouting now, and Anika tried to get Achterberg to relinquish the cane, but he backed up and walked behind the desk to call the office. Anika let him in the hope that someone might come faster.

Kaz was crying and hyperventilating on the floor while waiting for pounding, agonizing blows to fall on his back. 

The door burst open, and Jesper ran in and saw Kaz and Achterberg with the cane in his hand. Appalled, Jesper went up to Achterberg and ripped the cane away from him. Achterberg got into his face and was about to shout, but someone from administration had rushed in with Pim just then. A couple of staff from the neighboring rooms had finally approached to determine the cause of the commotion but remained out of the way.

“What in the hell are you doing?!” the administrator demanded. “Get out of the room right now!”

Scoffing, Achterberg followed him out into the hallway while Anika went with them. She wasn’t going to let Achterberg spin some ridiculous tale without the full story being known. The administrator tried to make her leave, but she refused and told him exactly what happened.  

Jesper, meanwhile, sat cross legged by Kaz and pushed his cane toward him.

“Kaz. Kaz, it’s me. I have your cane back. Do you want to hold it?”

The room had gone quiet, and only the sound of Kaz crying and incoherent babbling could be heard. Even Eamon and Shay kept their mouths shut, though they were getting a sick joy out of the show.

Kaz was shaking uncontrollably, and his right leg was sliding out from beneath him. He tried to keep it in place, but it hurt too much. Giving up, he tipped down to his side and pressed himself against the wall and hoped that his face wouldn’t get hit through his arms should they be knocked away in an impending attack.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. He’s outside now. You’re safe. I’m here. Kaz, can you look at me please?”

 Jesper? He’s here. I’m safe again? I’m safe. Nobody is going to hurt me now, right?

Kaz forced himself to meet his eyes, and Jesper said, “Follow my breaths.”

They breathed together for a few minutes until Kaz was able to breathe more normally.

“There. Good.”

The school nurse was watching by the door with another administrator, and Kaz saw them. He covered his head again, and Jesper looked back to see what was wrong.

Oh. Nurse. Nurse means touching. He probably doesn’t like them after having to be in the hospital before he came to us.

“Kaz, they’re not going to touch you. Let’s go? Come one, let’s get out of this room. Do you want to go home? I’ll call my da.”

Kaz peeked from under his arms and still saw Achterberg outside the door. Jesper looked back again and called out, “Will you please get him away from here?”

Achterberg was led further down the hall, and Kaz was able to push himself up after another minute. His knees, especially his right, were hurting now. He knew there would likely be ugly bruises on them later from when he fell.

“Can you stand up?”

Looking up, Kaz realized that everyone was staring at him, and he wanted to disappear. He didn’t answer Jesper and instead pulled his hood over his head enough to cover his eyes. Sniffling and trying not to feel embarrassed, he reached for his cane.

He had to use the chair as leverage to get up into a seated position before using his cane and the desk to push himself upright onto his feet. His whole body ached now, yet he couldn’t help but want to run.

“I’m sorry, Kaz,” one of the students said.

“I hope you feel better soon.”

He looked up and saw mostly sympathetic looks. He didn’t like the pity, but it felt better than being judged for his fear or beaten to prove that his fear was justified. As thanks, he gave them all a small nod before following Jesper, who was holding his bag, out to the hall.               

Jesper blocked Achterberg’s view of Kaz and led him away toward the office to call home and check out. Before they got very far, Kaz paused and stood in the hallway. Noticing he had stopped, Jesper turned to find Kaz standing with his shoulders slumped in defeat.

“Kaz?”

I thought he was going to beat me with my own cane. Why are people so cruel? Why do so many people want to hurt me or be mean to me? I didn’t even do anything… I just want my life back. I want it back. I don’t know what to do, what do I do?

“Do you need to sit down?” Jesper asked.

A couple tears rolled down Kaz’s cheeks. He wanted to go home, but he wanted to stay at school. It felt like an impossible choice. If he went home, he’d be safe, but he would feel like he had given up and failed. He’d be trapped hiding away in a prison of his own making this time. He couldn’t allow that to happen no matter how difficult everything was.

“You’re safe now. That guy probably won’t ever work here again. Especially after my da is through with him.”

“No…” Kaz said quietly.  

“What do you mean, no?”

“Don’t tell Colm.”

Surprised and entirely dumbfounded, Jesper asked, “Why?”

“He might not let me come back. I don’t… I don’t want to give up.”

“He’s not going to make you stay home, Kaz. He just wants this place to be safe for you. Some people are just complete asshats about disabilities. Wylan goes through that all the time. Maybe… Maybe you can talk to him about it. I don’t know what it’s like, but maybe he’d understand.”

Kaz shrugged. He wasn’t wrong.

“I’m sure they’ve already contacted him as it is. Do you want to go up to the office and wait out the period?”

He shook his head.

“Can I go to the library?”

With a sad and sympathetic smile, Jesper said, “Sure.”

Jesper led the way and found Kaz a comfortable place to sit for the rest of the period. The librarian didn’t ask any questions or try and send either of them back to class. Jesper did some of his work while Kaz read one of his books to calm himself down.

As Kaz read, the fear he felt from seeing the cane raise flooded back in waves. He’d push it back down, but it kept coming back stronger. The last time it happened was so bad that he pushed the book away and buried his face into his folded arms on the table and softly wept.

Seeing Kaz like that broke Jesper’s heart, but there wasn’t anything he could do other than get rid of Achterberg and concocting a foolproof alibi. Based on Anika’s fury and her texting him then to check on Kaz, he was sure that she’d gladly help in the effort.

Anika

10:32 AM

Anika: How is he?

Jesper: Upset, but he’ll be okay. Thank you for your help

Anika: He’s not having the best luck in that class. I feel bad for him

Jesper: That guy better be fucking fired. I’m so pissed right now

Anika: I’ll be a witness. No way he should come back here or anywhere. What a fucking IDIOT

Anika: WHAT, DOES HE THINK HE JUST CARRIES A CANE FOR FUNSIES AND THE AESTHETIC???!!?

Jesper: SERIOUSLY LIKE WHAT THE FUCK, MY GUY

Anika: Anyway, tell Kaz I’m getting his work for him that this admin passed out for us. It’s barely anything. Just busywork for homework. Shit, I’ll even do it for him if he wants, otherwise I’ll just give it to him tomorrow if I don’t see either of you later today. Not sure what your plans are

Jesper: Don’t do it for him. You’ll rob him of the joy of being an absolute nerd. It’s endearing

Anika: haha okay. Hope he feels better.

Jeper: yeah

Fiving and Not Thriving

10:35 AM

Jesper: Hey guys, we’re in the library. Kaz is having a bad day

Nina: Who do I have to kill

Jesper: Some fucking dickhead of a sub demanded he remove his gloves and took his cane away from him

Nina: WHERE IS HE AND WHAT’S HIS NAME

Jesper: Achterberg. I think he was escorted off campus.

Matthias: We’ll come to you for lunch. Let him rest

Nina: I’m so angry right now omfg I cannot believe that. That’s such bullshit

***

They all gathered in the library as agreed once the bell rang. Kaz had stopped crying by then, but his eyes were still red and wet by the time everyone arrived. He didn’t talk to anyone for the rest of the day, but he was still glad for their company.

When Colm picked them up, Kaz could see that he was beyond livid. If looks could kill, Kaz was sure that anyone who crossed him then would be dead ten times over. It made him shiver, but he knew the anger was not toward him. He’d been assured of this when he caught sight of his expression when walking up to the car. Jesper had to reassure him that he did nothing wrong.

Colm had already been on the phone with the school for an hour earlier that afternoon. He was about to come get Kaz and lay into the front office in person, but Jesper had texted Colm to tell him that Kaz wanted to finish out the day. While Colm admired his drive to endure, he worried that he was pushing himself too much, and that worry may or may not have heightened his anger toward the poor bastard on the other end of the phone.

“Let me get this straight. This asshole didn’t read the very explicit education plan for Kaz? The one that has all of his mandated accommodations so that he can go to school safely? Did Faber just not give it to him? Oh? He did? Based on what I know, that’s actually astonishing. So that just means that this guy from today fully ignored it and not only failed to do his job but he failed to be any semblance of a decent human being. He took my kid’s cane away! How dense can a person be?! No, no I won’t. That man better not ever set foot on that campus again. Unacceptable. I hold you all to a higher standard.”

As it stood, Achterberg was not allowed in that school again and would likely be banned from the entire Tarweland district. This was not the only complaint that had been filed against him, and Anika’s testimony about what happened was enough to prove a pattern of poor behavior. It would be enough for the time being. Colm would have to resist the urge he felt to find the son of a bitch and introduce his face to his fist a few times.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 34

By the time Sunday came around, Kaz was feeling better overall and was able to venture outside in the morning. He had awoken just before sunrise, and he dressed himself in his warmest clothes before grabbing a sleeve of crackers from his stash of snacks. Getting downstairs quietly on his stiff leg was a little bit of a challenge, but he managed it in the end.

The air outside was cold, and the air went straight through the fabric of his pants to the bones. He rubbed his leg to create heat from the friction, but it didn’t help much.

Nothing to do but move around. I’ll warm up more that way.

He walked up and down the length of the porch a few times to make sure he would be able to handle a longer trek out onto farm. When his leg didn’t complain too loudly and managed to gain a little more mobility as he warmed it up, he decided he’d be able to venture out without risk of not being able to make it back.

He took his regular route down the drive and found his little crow friend where he usually did, though this time, the crow brought his own friend.

“Brought someone to breakfast, I see. Lucky for you, I brought enough for two.”

Kaz pulled the sleeve out of his pocket and broke up a few crackers to scatter on the ground before stepping back. The crows hopped over and greedily ate up the crackers and then looked up at him for more. The way they cocked their heads and eyed him made him melt a little on the spot, and he couldn’t help but fish a few more out to give away.

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” he muttered.

Satisfied with their meal, the crows eyeballed him for a few seconds and then hopped away to resume their business. Kaz watched them fondly until they made their way into the rows of flowers and out of sight. Then, he resumed his wandering to continue his own business of pushing himself just a little bit more each day.

When he circled back toward the house after taking a path through one of the fields, he approached the barn. He’d seen it in the distance before, but he’d never been so close. Curiosity, as usual, tempted him to explore.

The barn itself looked sturdy enough, but it hadn’t had a fresh coat of paint in so long that there were only small strips of red sprinkled along the grayish, aged wood. The door was unlocked, and so he pushed on it. The door wasn’t heavy in reality, but his arms were still weak, so it took effort to shove it open. It creaked uncomfortably loud, so he only pushed it until he could fit himself through the opening.

Inside, there were several operational tractors lined up along the side wall along with stacks and stacks of bags along the back wall. Upon inspection, he found them to be full of fertilizer that didn’t smell very pleasant.

Rethinking his proximity to the bags, he turned to his right to see what else he might find. He was greeted by a ladder that led up to the loft. The rungs didn’t look like they were going to collapse if he put weight on them, and he tested them by pushing down on a few.

Sunlight. Gentle breeze. Sounds of laughter.

“Follow me, Jordie! Look how fast I’m climbing!”

“I can see!”

“I’m going up top!”

“Be careful, Kazzie!”

His hand slipped off the rough wood, and he nearly stepped away. A deep longing pulled him back, and he rested his cane against the ladder. He tried to climb just a few rungs, and his arms and legs were both burning from the exertion and his usual pain when he was halfway up.

I should go back down.

He looked behind him, and he determined that the fall might hurt. That height hadn’t looked so bad when he was little, but now he found himself nervous. Still, he climbed up another rung and then another until he was suddenly eye level with an empty loft with another ladder leading up to a window in the ceiling. A separate window in front of him let in the soft morning light which shone almost like a spotlight highlighting the tempting ladder leading to the sky.

With one more great effort, he pulled himself onto the loft and laid on the scratchy floorboards. Nothing felt like it was going to collapse underneath, so he let himself settle his shaky body and catch his breath. There was something akin to exhilaration in the way his heart pounded in his chest from the effort as well as the thrill of climbing.

I wasn’t fast this time, but I made it.

He pushed himself into a sitting position and looked over the edge of the loft. It was a long way down that would surely hurt should he fall. Great care would need to be taken when he made his way back down. Though, the ladder behind him kept beckoning to his inquisitiveness which never seemed to sleep.

I bet I could get up there. It’s not as far.

The door below creaked open, and footsteps made their way through the barn. Soon, Kaz heard the familiar sound of Kaelish muttering. He watched as Colm walked through the barn holding a clipboard while making notes about a few of the tractors. Kaz remained quiet as he watched and hoped that Colm wouldn’t look up to see him, but he forgot that his cane was in plain sight.

Sure enough, as he rounded the barn, Colm’s eyes found the cane. He looked around quickly and then upward to see Kaz peeking over the edge at him. Kaz shrunk into himself a little and hoped that he wasn’t about to be in trouble because he never asked if he could come inside.

“Kaz? What are you doing up there?”

Colm sounded more worried than anything, so Kaz wasn’t very afraid to tell him, “I was exploring.”

Colm stared at him for a few moments and repeated, “Exploring?”

Kaz nodded, but then he timidly asked, “Is… Is that okay? Should I not be here?”

Realizing Kaz was worried about him being upset, he just smiled and said, “I don’t mind you being in the barn as long as you don’t mess with the equipment. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I am a bit concerned about how you’re planning on getting down from there.”

Despite the smile, Colm’s tone was stern. Kaz knew he probably shouldn’t have climbed up into the loft, but he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t want to be some flower wilting away in a vase to be discarded. He wanted to move and explore and do things that he used to do. Of course, Kaz knew he had limits, but he wanted those limits to be determined by himself and nobody else.

“I can climb down.”

After placing the clipboard on the ground, Colm said, “Well, come on then. Jesper is making breakfast this morning.”

Kaz looked at him with an unsure cock of his eyebrow, and Colm laughed.

“He’s just making pancakes. I doubt he’s going to mess that up.”

Accepting that Colm really did seem to believe in the divinity of the Saints considering that level of hope in Jesper’s understanding of a stove, Kaz moved to return to the ground floor. Carefully, he turned onto his knees and slipped his good leg down onto a lower rung while holding onto the top one firmly. It took him a few tries to pull is bad leg down, but he managed it. Colm remained at the bottom close enough to catch him should he fall, but Kaz was determined to not allow that to happen.

When Kaz was far enough down, Colm stepped away to give him the space to feel safe enough to finish his descent. Kaz nearly collapsed once he was on the ground again, and he had to hold himself up by the rungs.

“I think you overdid it a little bit today, a chuilien.”

Breathing hard and unable to speak, Kaz just nodded and reached for his cane and braced himself for the trek back to the house.

***

Later that afternoon, Colm and Jesper decided to go for a walk to pick out some new flowers for Aditi’s vase. Kaz had been a bit tired from his morning adventure, but he wanted to go along. He resisted asking, however, as he figured this moment was just for the two of them. He didn’t want to intrude when he might not be welcome.

Jesper, however, had different ideas.

Kaz had wandered up to his room to begin lounging on his bed with a book as usual when his phone dinged.

KazPer

2:34 PM

Jesper: Whatcha doin

Kaz: Reading.

Jesper: Fascinating. Want to go for a walk?

Kaz: I went for a walk this morning

Jesper: Yeah but do you want to go now?

Kaz: Aren’t you going with your da?

Jesper: aaaand? Are you too tired?

Am I too tired? I am a little, but I could walk some more. My arms were more tired than anything after the barn. I do have to hold the cane though. No, I can’t intrude.

Kaz: You should go with your da.

Jesper: You’re invited too, though ☹

Kaz: Aren’t you getting flowers for you ma?

Jesper: We can get some for yours, too

Kaz: I don’t have any pictures of her.

I don’t have any pictures of my mama… Oh. Jesper is lucky.

Kaz suddenly felt incredibly sad realizing that he had no photos of any of his family. All he could rely on was his memory, and even then, the faces were beginning to fade. He feared that he would forget them entirely before too long.

Jesper: It’s okay. We can still put some flowers in another vase. It’s alright if you don’t want to though, I don’t want to push you.

Jesper: Sorry

Kaz: No, it’s okay. I just don’t want to intrude.

Jesper: YOU’RE NOT INTRUDING. COME WITH US? PLEASE??? 

Kaz: Your da doesn’t mind?

Jesper: Nope! Pleeeeeeease???

It seemed to Kaz that Jesper really wanted him to go with them, so he would. Kaz texted him a final, “Okay” and heard him whoop from downstairs.

***

“What about these?” Jesper asked Colm when pointing to the bright orange jurda blossoms that were bursting from their stalks.  

“Sure.”

“What about you, Kaz? You haven’t picked any out yet.”

Kaz looked all around them and didn’t really have much of a preference. He couldn’t remember if his mother had a favorite flower or what they might have been. She had a variety that she liked. His mind did drift to the memory of the hanging pot with yellow flowers outside their front door, but he couldn’t think of what they were.

Not wanting to be a bother and feeling a little overwhelmed, he pointed at the jurda and said, “Those are fine.”

Colm and Jesper shared a look, but they chose not to push him.

Jesper was about to clip a few stalks, but he saw a blossom on the ground. He picked it up and tucked it into his hair behind his ear and said, “Da, look! I’m gorgeous.”

Colm laughed and said, “Indeed. Hold on, I need to take a picture of that for Wylan.”

Jesper posed, and Colm pulled his phone out and took a few different pictures of Jesper getting increasingly silly.

“Hold on, before I cut these, I want to take a few pictures of them. I want to make something…”

Jesper’s words trailed off as he pulled out his own phone and took pictures of the blossoms. Kaz watched for a while before turning away, but his gaze kept wandering back to see what exactly he was doing. Colm took a few of his own pictures and wandered a little bit away toward the asters.

“Want to try?” Jesper asked. “Do you have your phone on you?”

Maybe I could learn how? They’re not supposed to hurt, right?

Kaz took his phone out and wondered how many pictures he’d have on it of his family if they were still alive. He wondered how many pictures he’d have of himself on it, too.

After Jesper showed him how to use his camera, he focused in on bunch of jurda and took his first picture. The orange of the petals popped against the green stems beneath. He liked the look of it, and he tried a few more from some different angles for a few minutes.

I don’t have any pictures of anyone.

He took a few shots of the clouds and tried to snap one of a bird that flew overhead, but it was too far away.

What if something happens and I don’t have any pictures of anyone else?

He wandered toward Jesper and Colm again who were taking more silly pictures of each other and showing them off. They were laughing and teasing one another.

I don’t have any pictures of anyone…

“Um…”

Kaz started to speak. Both Colm and Jesper stopped to look up at him. When he didn’t continue, Jesper tried to prompt him.

“What’s up?”

Feeling unsure of himself, he almost put his phone back into his pocket.

I don’t have anything.

“Can I… take your pictures?”

Surprised by the request but all too willing to acquiesce, Jesper said, “Hell yeah!” and struck a dumb pose with a stem of jurda by holding it up and dipping it toward his nose in an exaggerated way to sniff the petals. Colm started laughing again, and Kaz pointed his phone and took the picture.

“Another one?” Jesper asked.

When they had finished striking several more silly poses for him, Kaz looked through his gallery. His heartbeat quickened as he looked at each moment captured in time for him to keep.

I have something now.

“Um… Kaz?”

Kaz looked up, and Jesper was holding his phone.

“You can say no, and I won’t be offended, but… Can I try taking your picture? Just one?”

They’re standing over there, and I’m fully clothed. I just took a lot of pictures of them, and they had fun. Nothing hurt. I can… I can try just once, right?

“Just one?”

“Just one.”

“Um… Yes. Sure. What should I do?”

Kaz almost felt sick asking the question, but he was determined to rewrite the awful memories of monsters who greedily took pictures of his body and the things they made him do against his will.

No. I’m safe.

He wanted to remember that photographs could be good and show happier moments. He wanted to remember the times like these when Jesper and Colm were kind to him and allowing him to join them on outings. He wanted to remember the people who were taking care of him and proving to him that he really was being given a second chance.

“Anything you want. You can even just stand there.”

And so, he did. He felt awkward and unsure about what he was supposed to do. He didn’t have the theatrical confidence to be like Jesper or Colm, but maybe he could someday. For now, he just stood in front of the blossoms and let Jesper take the first picture of him in years where he was given the choice to say, “yes”.  

The photo, with Kaz’s permission, was made his contact photo in Jesper’s and Colm’s phone, and Kaz wasn’t sure he’d ever seen both of them smile so brightly before.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 35

When Monday morning came around, Kaz hesitated to get out of bed. Colm had been in contact with district employees over the weekend to confirm that Achterberg wouldn’t ever be allowed to set foot on school grounds again. Afterwards, Colm explained to Kaz that not all substitutes were like that and, going forward, the school committed to being far more careful in making sure substitutes adhered to Kerch disability laws and education plans for all students. All of this did little to settle his nerves as he wondered if Faber was going to cause problems for him that day or if anyone else might after his embarrassing panic attack.

Everyone must think I’m so weird. I don’t think he actually would have hit me. He was just on a power trip. That’s what Jesper said, anyway. He was trying to make himself feel big. Isn’t that what the others always did though? I don’t understand why.

With a sigh, he heaved himself out of bed and managed to make himself dress and get ready for the day. He tried to make sure he didn’t appear too nervous so Colm wouldn’t offer to let him stay home again. Kaz was determined to keep trying, and he wanted to avoid any added temptation to stay where he felt comfortable and safe.  Progress meant facing challenges.

Jesper, again, offered to go inside the classroom with him to make sure he got settled alright. Kaz considered the offer, but he didn’t want to look like he needed a babysitter anymore. The panic attack he’d had left him feeling more nervous than he realized that morning, and having Jesper accompany him any further made him concerned that others might view him in an even more negative light. He just wanted to be as normal as possible and blend into the room without being a beacon signaling weakness or any peculiarity.

“I got it.”

Wary of what happened on Friday, Jesper said, “I’m nervous about Faber being a dick.”

“Isn’t that what he always is?”

Jesper snorted and said, “I guess you’re right. See you for lunch?”

“Yeah.”

The last thing Kaz expected was to be called over to Faber’s desk when he walked in. He almost froze when summoned, but after studying Faber’s posture, he determined it was safe enough to approach. He wouldn’t let himself regret sending Jesper away.

Faber remained standing behind his desk to give them space as Kaz made his way around to the corner of it to keep his back turned away from everyone else. Faber watched him with more intrigue than his usual disdain. He looked like he was having some kind of internal battle within himself before finally sighing and quietly speaking so nobody else could hear. As he listened, Kaz noted that Anika was watching Faber like a hawk. 

“Are you okay to be in here today?”

Surprised at the question that wasn’t exactly kind but also not cruel or accusatory, Kaz only nodded and waited for whatever else Faber might say. All he did say “Alright then” and gesture for Kaz to take his seat.

 At least that’s all it was.

Some of the students gave him a small wave when he looked up after getting settled. A lot of them had been very upset by what had happened on Friday, and they felt awful for how Kaz had reacted. None of them brought any more attention to it than their small greeting which was a relief. Even Eamon and Shay kept quiet. Only a few students stared at him excessively which was annoying and making him feel self-conscious, but he ignored them and began to focus on his work and the opening lecture.

There was a point during the period where he didn’t understand what was being asked of him in on a worksheet during their independent work time. He hesitated to ask Faber for help, so he wrote “help?” on a piece of paper and showed it to Anika. While keeping her distance, she looked at the part he didn’t understand and explained it to him. He nodded in thanks and got back to work, and Faber kept his mouth shut.

During the second half of the period, Kaz’s good leg was bouncing up and down. He suddenly needed to go to the bathroom, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to hold it until lunch. What he was sure of was that he didn’t want to depend on his leg to be able to move fast enough to make it on time should he wait for class to be over. He pulled out his phone and thought about texting Jesper or Matthias who were close by so they could walk with him, but he felt bad about how much they’d already been helping. He especially felt bad about Jesper who had missed too much class time because of his panicking.

He glanced at Anika and thought about asking her to go with him, but he didn’t want to be weird. She’d also gone above and beyond to help him.

Fuck it. I can do it. I’m not a baby. I can come into class on my own and I can go to the damn bathroom on my own.

Kaz wrote “bathroom?” on a piece of paper and showed it to Faber who waved toward the door to indicate his permission – not that Kaz actually needed the permission. He was just being polite and telling Faber where he was as teachers were supposed to know where students were.

He was proud of himself when he made it to the bathroom without having to ask for any assistance. It hadn’t even taken him as long as he thought it might to go to it. That meant his strength and endurance with walking were improving.

See? I can do this.

Feeling good from his accomplishment, he made his way back toward his class. As he rounded a corner to a long hallway lined with lockers and no classroom doors, he stopped dead in his tracks and felt the high he was riding sink into the ground. Eamon, Shay, and their friend Eroll were waiting for him.  

Oh… fuck.

Kaz tried to start moving again, but as soon as he took a step, Shay spoke.

“Look! It’s the fucking freak.”

“What is with the gloves? Huh? Why won’t you just take them off?” Eroll asked.

“You should have seen him on Friday. He cried like a bitch about it,” Eamon said with a twisted smile that slid into an easy sneer.

Again, Kaz tried to keep walking and managed to take a few steps, but Eamon stepped into his path. Kaz could feel the panic rising and setting his nerves on fire, but he tried to hide it. He was cursing himself for having been so stubborn and not asking for help, but the cursing of himself was quickly devolving into repetitive thoughts of, “They’re going to hurt me. It’s happening again.”

“Stupid fucking cripple. Why don’t you just kill yourself?”

Eroll snickered and said, “I bet he’s faking it. He just wants attention.”

No, I don’t, leave me alone. Please leave me alone.

Kaz’s shoulders hunched painfully as he braced for more abuse to follow. The three of them came a little closer, and he took a step back.

“I think he’s going to cry again. Get ready for a show!” Eroll mocked.

“Seriously, though. What is with the gloves?!” demanded Shay through a wicked, cruel grin.

Eamon answered, “I think he’s a fucking retard. He never even talks. Come on, cripple. Talk. You scream well enough.”

“I like it when you scream.”

Memories of pain were burning through his body, and he wanted to run. He couldn’t move.

Eroll kicked his cane which knocked him off balance. After catching himself, Kaz whispered, “Stop…”

“Oh! The freak spoke!”

Shay said, “Maybe he shouldn’t though. That’s probably why his face is all fucked up. Did someone learn some lessons? Is that why you keep your retard mouth shut?”

“I’ll teach you what happens when to talk to me that way!”

 “The fuck is wrong with you? You sound like a 60-year-old chain smoker. Hey, where’s your boyfriend?” Eroll taunted.

“He was probably waiting for him in the bathroom so he could get more of the attention he wanted. Is that what you do with him? Skip class and fuck? That was rather quick. How does the illiterate retard feel about that? Or does he like it and join you?” Eamon asked with an obscene move of his hips while the others laughed.

No, no, Jesper would never do that to me. He promised. He’d never hurt me like that.               

Desperate, Kaz begged them, “Please, leave me alone. Please, let me go back to class.”

“Impatient. He must like everything quick.”

“Yeah, I bet he does,” Eroll crooned.

“Yeah, you like that, don’t you? Show me how much you like it.”

Stop.

Shay took a step closer, and Kaz finally moved until his back was against the lockers. All three of his tormentors tittered with delight and amusement.

“Get away from me,” Kaz said with a quivering voice.

“Or what?”

Shay kicked his cane this time, but Kaz remained standing against the lockers and held firmly to the handle.

“Don’t! Don’t touch me… Don’t…” Kaz pleaded while involuntarily closing his eyes and shriveling into himself.

Eamon decided to kick the cane harder and throw Kaz down onto the floor, but as soon as the cane left the ground and his hands grabbed Kaz’s hoodie, it was over.

Kaz hadn’t been able to fight back like this in years. He’d been held or chained down and made to endure countless, agonizing horrors while entirely powerless to get away or resist. Now, with his hands and feet unchained and some strength regained, he could finally fight back.

He regained his footing and slammed his cane into Eamon’s gut. The other two lunged for him, but he decked Shay to knock him out just before Eroll tackled him. Kaz thrashed until he could throw him off. He had so much adrenaline driven force that he was able to throw Eroll across the hall so that he crashed into the other lockers.

Eamon got up and tried to attack Kaz again by pulling on his hoodie from behind. Kaz, in a frantic terror, dropped his cane and threw him off after clawing, elbowing and ramming him back into the lockers. Instead of giving up, Eamon blindly grabbed Kaz’s hip in the brawl.

That’s when Kaz blacked out. 

No words went through his thoughts. There were only flashes of endless faces, endless hands, and endless pain. There was no reasoning, only fight.

Kaz shrieked, turned and grabbed Eamon by the hair, and slammed him back into the locker. After the impact, he kneed him in the groin before throwing him down the floor. Dazed, Eamon groaned in pain from the impact to his groin and his head. Before he could do anything else, Kaz picked his cane up off the ground and held it with both hands.

By pure chance, Matthias was walking down the hall to go to the bathroom himself. He saw what was happening and came running full speed. When he reached them, Kaz, terrified like a rabid animal, lifted his cane over his head and moved to bring it down to bash Eamon’s face. Matthias shoved Kaz back against the lockers while Eroll stood up to charge again, and then Matthias grabbed him and fully flung him across the hall where he hit his head.

Kaz raised his cane again, blind with panic and fury from the feeling of Eamon’s hand lingering on his hip. He was determined to cave his face in. Matthias grabbed Kaz by the wrists hard to stop him while calling out his name. As soon as his hands locked around his wrists, Kaz screamed again and tried to rip himself away. Matthias held strong while trying to tell him to calm down.

“Let me go!” Kaz wailed while pulling away as hard as he could.

Matthias could feel his wrists pop, and the way Kaz looked at him like he was about to murder him made him let go. Kaz fell back into a locker, his spine finding one of the padlocks this time. The pain was terrible, and he cried out and collapsed to the floor. Helpless, Matthias watched as he scrambled away on his elbows and good knee to the corner. All his fight was gone, and all that was left was to fly away or fawn.

Matthias, while his friend, was not recognizable. He was just a terrifyingly strong, huge boy who reminded him of the feeling of shackles while causing the throbbing in his wrists. It was because of him that pain now surged on his backbone. Kaz was whimpering and pleading with Matthias not to hurt him anymore, though it sounded more like wordless babbling to Matthias’ ears.

“You’re safe now. It’s okay,” Matthias said while passing his cane toward him.

Kaz pulled his hoodie down hard to make sure his waist was completely blocked. He was beyond the point of screaming. Fear had left him frozen in place once he blocked his face with his hands and arms while blocking his groin and gut with his bent left leg. He tried to get his right to do the same, but it remained limp on the floor.

“It’s alright now, Kaz. I’m here. Calm down,” Matthias tried to soothe while panicking himself as he had no idea what to do.

It was at this point that people finally came out of the rooms from down the hall to investigate the noise. Staff came running while Matthias knelt near Kaz as the other boys groaned in pain. The movement and proximity made Kaz flinch and shake violently.

“I’m sorry. It’s me. It’s just me.”

“What the hell is going on?!” one of the teachers shouted causing Kaz to recoil into himself even more.

Matthias turned to him and said, “Get Jesper Fahey.”

“Who?!”

Impatient and trying to control his tone, Matthias repeated, “Jesper Fahey. His foster brother. Kaz might not calm down without him. You know what, fuck it. I should have already called him.”

Matthias got his phone out and called Jesper repeatedly until he left his classroom to answer the phone.

“What’s going on?” he asked with clear worry in his voice.

“It’s Kaz.”

***

I’m about to die. They’re going to kill me after taking everything again. They’ll do worse. They’ll use my body, and I’ll die if I’m lucky. I can’t… I can’t do this again, I can’t, I can’t…  

“Da, you need to get here now. Someone attacked Kaz.”

“What?!” came the shocked voice over the phone.

“Someone attacked Kaz. It’s bad. Please hurry.”

… Jesper? Jesper won’t hurt me. Jesper keeps me safe. Jes? That’s you, right?

…

“He’s not moving until my da gets here, Jesper insisted.

“We don’t tolerate violence here. You need to move and go back to class, and he needs to…” one of the teachers continued demanding.

“He needs to calm down, and he’s not going to do that with so many people hovering. Get away from us and let us handle this until my da gets here.”

“I understand, but…”

“No! They attacked him! I saw what they did!” Matthias yelled, dumbfounded by the unfairness of the blame. “Get them away from us and go get someone from the office! They know!”

… Who is that? I know that voice.

…

“Kaz? You’re alright. It’s okay now.”

Rollins?! No, no, fucking Ghezen, no, please, please…

“Hey, it’s okay. Don’t move, it’s alright. It’s me, a chuilien. Try to stay calm. Don’t move anymore, it’s just me.”

Wait… Rollins never called me a chuilien. Who calls me that? Who is this? Oh!

“Colm?” Kaz finally managed to speak through sudden and increasingly heavy sobs.

“Yes, I’m here. It’s alright.”

Nearly wailing, Kaz said, “They… They hurt me. Th-they pulled at me and touched me and gr-grabbed m-my… my clothes and my hip. I thought they were going to…”

“I know, a chuilien. I know. You don’t have to say it. It’s alright. You’re safe. I’m here. I’ll keep you safe.”

…

***

Kaz sat in the chair in the principal’s office next to Colm. He couldn’t stop looking around for the next threat, and every little sound made him flinch. His eyes were still red and puffy, and his breathing was barely under control. He hardly remembered anything beyond the snippets of Jesper and Matthias defending him and Colm arriving.

Colm glanced over and could barely see his face as his beanie and hoodie were pulled far over his head. His arms were crossed and holding himself tightly as his cane rested against his knee. Colm wanted nothing more than to reach over and hold him and reassure him that he was going to be kept safe.

Kaz had begged him to go home, but the situation needed to be dealt with first. There was no way in hell Colm was going to allow any of the blame to fall onto Kaz as had been implied by staff.  

When the principal, Smit, arrived and took her place at her desk, Colm took a deep breath to steady himself before fully unleashing on her. She did not make it easy.

Smit spoke first. “The parents of the three students he attacked are not happy right now.”

Colm scoffed and said, “He attacked? You think he went out of his way to attack them?”

“They all have head injuries. They all said that Kaz attacked them with his cane and…” she reasoned with impatience.

“Did you listen to what Matthias said?”

“His parents will be contacted for his involvement next.”

“That’s not what I asked.” Colm’s next words were slow and deliberate. “Did you listen to what Matthias said? He was witness to them ganging up on him!”

“We have a zero-tolerance policy regarding violence here…”

Interrupting with an exasperated wave of his hands, he nearly shouted, “They grabbed him from behind! You do know what happened to him. You were all told about the abuse he came from and how he needed to be protected here if he was going to have a chance at a normal life.”

“Their parents…”

“No.” Colm cut her off sharply and said, “I don’t give a shit what their parents are saying. You’re talking to me right now. I’m the parent you’re addressing, and you will listen if you know what’s good for your job and the reputation of this institution because after the incident with that substitute, it’s not looking too good. You can take that as the promise it is.”

Colm looked at Kaz who was shaking more than he had recently. Colm realized that his anger was likely frightening him, and that was the last thing he wanted. He leaned toward Kaz a little and adopted a much gentler tone.

“A chuilien, can you wait out in the hallway please?”

“Did I really do something wrong? Are you mad at me?” Kaz asked with his hoarse voice rasping through tears.

“No, no. I might speak a bit louder right now and I don’t want you to be scared. Jesper and Matthias are out there waiting for you, so you won’t be alone. Okay? They’ll make sure you’re safe.”

“Okay,” he responded meekly and made his way out to find his friends.

Kaz needed a moment to get to his feet as his leg hurt terribly, and so did his wrists from when he wrenched them away from Matthias’ grip.

It had taken him a while to remember who Matthias was, but when the storm of fear receded, Kaz realized that he had come to save him. He didn’t know how to thank him in the moment or apologize for not realizing that he was helping him. Matthias didn’t stay long enough for him to try as he went to retrieve his backpack from Faber’s class while Jesper and Colm stayed beside Kaz as he shuffled painfully to the office.

Kaz found a seat at the end of the row of chairs along the wall outside. Jesper left one empty seat between them to give him space. Matthias sat in the chair across from him.

“I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you, Kaz. You could have called me. I just… Oh fuck, dude I’m so sorry about this.”

Jesper was completely distraught while trying not to be, but he felt horrible for what happened.

Kaz said, “You shouldn’t have to be. Why… Why won’t people just leave me alone?”

They remained quiet then. Kaz could only sit with his head down and covered by his hood while he tried not to tremble so much.

Back in Smit’s office, Colm, normally so soft spoken and warm, turned to face the principal with a fury that somehow remained quiet for the moment. She looked taken aback and shifted uncomfortably.

“Pull up the security footage.”

“Mr. Fahey, we…”

His voice raising, he demanded, “Pull it up, now. I will bring a lawsuit against you so fast, so help me blessed Saints. If you are so hellbent on him being in the wrong, then prove it. Prove to me that that weak, disabled child who is shaking like a leaf in a storm from fright from everything that moves around him decided that he was going to play baseball with their heads on a whim. I’ll wait here all damn day as I press charges against those other kids. So, either save yourself the trouble and show me the footage now, or it’s going to get out in a nastier way. Don’t think for one second that his social worker doesn’t already know about this, so the state is already involved. Choose wisely.”

The footage was pulled up within the next five minutes. Everything Matthias had said was proven to be true. Everything the boys claimed was false. Smit’s face grew redder with each passing second.

When it was all done, Smit moved to speak. Colm, however, was having none of it.

“No. How dare you? How dare you seek to punish him for defending himself? What did you expect him to do? Bow and say, ‘thank you’? Three boys cornered him, kicked his cane out from under him, pulled at his clothes, and grabbed him. Of course, he lost it and fought back. This is happening right after the incident with the substitute last Friday. My other son keeps missing his own class time because he has to rescue Kaz from your negligence, and now his friends are suffering the same. This school isn’t safe for him, and I’m not having it anymore. This is entirely unacceptable.”

“He won’t face punishment,” she said without meeting his gaze.

“And neither will Matthias or Jesper. I want those little shits’ names. I may still bring this up with the Stadwatch. You people are not going to put my kids in harm’s way.”

Once the names of the students and their parents were provided, Colm left and took Jesper and Kaz out to the parking lot. Colm pulled the car right up to the curb so Kaz could get inside quickly as he was limping far more than usual. He could barely shuffle forward as putting weight on his wrist was killing him.

When Kaz moved to open the door, he winced and inhaled sharply. He couldn’t pull on the handle.

“Kaz, what’s wrong?” Jesper asked as Colm unrolled the window.

“What happened?” Colm asked.

Quietly, Kaz answered, “My wrists. They hurt.”

Colm figured the pain was from when Matthias grabbed him and Kaz ripped himself away in a panic.

“Let’s get some ice on those when we get home. I have some wraps you can put on to stabilize them, too. Looks like you might have minor sprains.”

Jesper opened the door for him, and Kaz barely climbed inside without whining from how much it hurt. He nearly couldn’t get his seat belt on without help.

Before driving off, Colm asked, “Did we want to stop anywhere on the way home?”

“I want to go home…” Kaz answered immediately.

“Okay.”

They rode home in silence.

***

Wrapping his wrists was something that Kaz did not want to do at first. Colm put them on the kitchen table, but Kaz shook his head and looked at him wide eyed as if he was about to beg him not to do something awful.

“These will help you feel better, a chuilien. They’ll keep your wrists in place and help them hurt less,” he said to reassure him.

“I don’t want to be tied up again… Please? Please, don’t. Please, Colm…” he begged through increasingly quicker breaths as he looked at the toward the living room as an escape route.

He’s not understanding.

“I promise it’s not for that. Here, let me show you.”

Colm slowly grabbed one of the wraps and showed Kaz how to put one on and secure it with a metal clip. He then demonstrated how his wrist was immobilized while he was still able to move and grab things.

“See? It’s only this. Think you can try?” he asked as he unraveled the wrap once more and placed it beside the other.

Kaz stared at the wraps, and after some consideration and deep breaths, decided to try. Colm pushed his chair back to give him even more space. After reluctantly removing his gloves, he slowly worked them around his wrists and hands just as Colm had shown him. Colm wished he could do it for him as it was clearly causing pain, but he knew any proximity right now would end in disaster.

When Kaz finished, he rested his hands in his lap, and Colm breathed out in relief.

“Are you mad?” Kaz bravely asked him.

“Not at you, Kaz,” Colm assured him,

“You're not mad at me for fighting back?”

“Not at all. I'm glad you did. Nobody is allowed to touch you without your permission. And saying that stuff to you wasn't okay either. I don’t think they'd dare mess with you after what you did though.”

Kaz stared down at his lap, hesitant to respond. In the end, he felt he had to give voice to the troubling fear that he suddenly couldn’t let go of.  

“Matthias had to stop me. What if I killed that kid?”

Colm thought about that. He saw the terror that had completely taken over Kaz in that moment. Those kids could have been as good as dead if Matthias hadn’t showed up. There was no blame to be had with Kaz though. It was all in self-defense – even the extreme actions. It’s what his body wanted to do for years when he was trapped with Rollins and all that evil man did and let others do to him. He very well could have done irreparable damage to Eamon.

Still, Colm said, “I don’t think you were going to do that, Kaz.”

“What if I did?”

“You kept yourself safe. That's what's important. I need to ask you though: Do you want to go back to that school? There is no shame if you don’t feel safe enough. I cannot tell you how sorry I am about this happening.”

Looking entirely forlorn and unsure, Kaz answered, “I just want to go to bed.”

“It’s too much right now. We can talk later.  He’s likely going to need a few days. Hopefully Genya can help tomorrow,” Colm thought.

“Alright, a chuilien. I’ll bring you up some lunch, alright?”

Kaz nodded and went to make his way up the stairs. He held his cane up as he couldn’t put any weight on it, so he leaned against the walls for support until he got to the stairs. He awkwardly leaned his arm on the banister to stabilize himself as he hauled his throbbing leg up step by step until he managed to make it to the top.  

When Colm heard his bedroom door close, he buried his face into his folded arms on the table and thought about where the hell they went from there.

I just want this child to be safe. At least we have this weekend coming up. I hope you’re right about this dog, Aditi. I really wish we had her now.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 36

As expected, Kaz didn’t get out of bed the next morning until nearly noon. Colm had tried to get him to at least eat something, but he wanted nothing to do with food. He wanted nothing to do with anything. His body was still in far too much pain to move around much, but it was the pain in his mind and heart that prevented Colm from convincing him to at least talk to Genya online about what happened. Colm knew Kaz would likely end up sitting in silence as he hadn’t spoken a single word since the day before, so all he could do was ask if he’d try.

Kaz had looked at him then and considered it, but he still couldn’t find words to speak. He couldn’t even bother to text his friends back who were worried about him. He just wanted to be left alone. Colm obliged, but Kaz knew he’d be back later to check on him. He wasn’t sure if he was thankful to be shown such care or resentful that he was being watched.

There was a hollowness in his chest that somehow felt terribly heavy. It pressed on his heart and his lungs. It filled him with an apathy that was somehow laden with despair. Nothing felt real, and everything was still unbearable. There were no words, and yet there we millions. There was no sound, yet there was nothing but screaming. There was no way to explain.

Everything hurt.

His wrists twinged every time he tried to move them, and his gloves felt uncomfortable over the wraps he kept on. The idea of leaving his hands uncovered made him ill, so he endured the discomfort. Being completely covered was the only thing that kept his heart from beating out of his rib cage. Even removing his hood left him feeling cold sweats from fear.

The bones of his leg were throbbing, and a deep ache pulsed through it when every heartbeat. He had put far too much strain on it during the fight and suspected that one of the boys had kicked his leg or caused him to hit it against the lockers. Getting up to go the bathroom was a test of his willpower and endurance despite it still not being the worst pain he’d ever felt. It was just hard to remain upright and put so much weight on it when he could barely put weight on his cane.

Overall, his entire body ached, and heating pads offered little relief. His head hurt, his eyes hurt from crying the night before, his vocal cords hurt from screaming, his chest hurt from the weight of terrible memories, his hip itched and burned from where he had been grabbed, his back throbbed from where his spine slammed into the lock… It was never ending.

He didn’t eat for the entire day, and he only nibbled on his breakfast the next morning after managing to sit up. That was a task in itself, and Colm offered to help him by stacking pillows against the headboard. Kaz didn’t want to accept because he was scared, but the gentle and reassuring tone and the fact that Colm had kept him safe again after the attack told him that he’d be alright. Still, he couldn’t help but keep his eyes on Colm as he arranged the pillows. When he stepped back, Kaz twisted himself around to be able to lean back, though all of that movement left him cringing in pain.

“It’s alright, a chuilien. The pain will fade soon.”

A chuilien.

The words had become a comfort to him. The Kaelish accent had made him nervous when he first came to the Faheys and a few times since, but the way Colm always spoke was slowly replacing the flood of cruel words spoken to him by Rollins. “A chuilien” was a kindness to him that told him he was welcome. It was a way to tell him he wasn’t a worthless rat, little shit, or any other number of cruelties. It told him that he was just a boy as he always should have been. A boy with a warm bed, a room with more than he ever imagined needing, and people who were proving themselves to be caring and safe.

That didn’t mean that it wasn’t still difficult. Every day he woke up and got out of bed was a choice. Every moment and action taken by Colm or Jesper could remind Kaz of the terrible things he’d endured for so long. Now, every day at school was proving to be a challenge with far too many reminders of cruelty, and it was a challenge that he was not sure that he’d overcome anymore. There were far too many cruel people in the world, and the Faheys, couldn’t keep him safe from it all. Nobody could. Not even himself.

He didn’t want to stay in his room to languish. He wanted to go for a walk to see his crow friends, but that was impossible. He wasn’t sure he could even go to the windowsill should they come to visit him there. Even reading was too much for his exhausted eyes. Neither his body nor his mind could escape, and it left him with growing despair.

What he really began craving was a shower as he hadn’t had one since Sunday night, but he was just in too much pain to stand. Thinking about how much the heat would help him made him wonder if he should force himself to try, but he decided against it. The last thing he wanted was to try and hurt himself even more.

That Wednesday afternoon, Colm came back to check on Kaz who was dozing against his pillowed headboard uncomfortably. The soft knock on the door roused him, and he looked to Colm with a defeat and eyes devoid of the spark he’d come to recognize and celebrate.

“Hi, how are you feeling?” Colm asked despite seeing the obvious. He wanted Kaz to have autonomy to express himself without anyone making assumptions.

Kaz shrugged, the movement seeming monumental in his strength that was still waning. Kaz looked into his eyes in short glances up from his blanket. He didn’t know how Colm could help him, but Kaz figured he could do him the courtesy of at least telling him what was wrong.

“I’m… I’m sore. I want to shower. The heat feels good.”

“Okay, you can shower.”

Kaz shook his head sadly and said, “I can’t. It hurts too much. I can’t… I can’t stand up for very long and I can’t get on the floor with my wrists. I’m…”

He resisted the urge to apologize for not being able to do it. There was no reason for him to apologize.

He’s not mad at me. I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t need to say sorry. I’m okay. It’s not like I really smell terrible. He isn’t going to be in my space. I don’t have to say that I’m sorry. I don’t. Right? Maybe just say…

“I just wish I could shower.”

Colm looked worried and then suddenly ashamed. Kaz was concerned that he’d said something wrong and that perhaps he was wrong about not apologizing, but his worries were assuaged a moment later.

“I have an idea that might work. I need to go into town for a little bit. Do you need anything while I’m there?”

“No,” Kaz answered without being able to hide the intrigue in his voice.

“Back soon!”

***

Sure enough, Colm was indeed back soon. Though, he didn’t immediately come back to Kaz’s room. Instead, Kaz could hear him tinkering around in the bathroom. At one point, it sounded as if he smacked his head or some other body part on something as he cursed and hissed sharply.

What the hell is he doing?

After about an hour, Colm came back and knocked.

“Come in,” Kaz called softly.

Colm, slightly shining with the sweat of exertion, came in holding a gray, plastic perforated chair and placed it in the middle of the room.

“I got this for you. It’s a shower chair.”

Confused, Kaz asked, “A shower chair?”

“Yep. Specially made for it. It’s for people who can’t stand for very long. I got some other things, too. Would you like to give it a try? I can show you what I got and how it all works and then leave you to give it a go. What do you think?”

I can actually shower? Um…

“Okay.”

“Right. I’ll go set this up. Meet you there.”

After some struggle, Kaz managed to make his way to the bathroom to see the shower curtain wide open. Colm finished adjusting the chair to what he thought was the appropriate height for Kaz before standing upright. There were metal grab bars installed and a brand-new shower head attached to a pipe that extended across the entire space.

“This,” Colm started while pointing at the grab bars, “is to help you balance in here when you can stand. This shower head has a couple knobs here. If you sit right here and twist this, then the water will divert and flow directly down on you from that head. If you twist it this way, it will come out over there like it usually does. This one, right here…”

There was a shower head down low that was attached to a hose and a holder on the wall.

“You can hold this one and activate it by pressing this switch on it right here. So, you have options.”

After taking it all in, Kaz asked, “You did all this?”

“I’ve learned a thing or two about installations. This one really wasn’t that difficult once I threw the instruction book in the trash and just looked at it myself.”

He’s really good at things. He did all this for me?

“Thank you.”

“Of course. Um…” Colm looked down at the floor, and that unfamiliar shame returned to his features. “I’m sorry I didn’t do this earlier. I should have.”

He’s apologizing to me? He didn’t do anything wrong, though. Was it wrong of him not to get this?

“It’s okay…” Kaz said, unsure if it was the right thing to say.

Kaz could see that Colm was having some kind of internal battle with himself. He looked like he wanted to say something as he’d open his mouth to speak a few times and failed to follow through. He took another look at the shower and tested out the strength of the grab bar once more before heading toward Kaz.

“Alright, it’s safe now if you’d like to try.”

Colm passed through the door, and when he was further away, Kaz stepped inside. Before he closed the door, Colm called out.

“If there’s anything else at all that’s too hard, please tell me. It’s my responsibility to take care of you and make things easier for you to use, but I make mistakes. I am sorry that this was an issue that I didn’t notice or think about. I know asking for help can be difficult, but… Anyway. I just want you to feel safe and comfortable.”

I think I do.

“Okay.”

After a beat, Colm turned away, and Kaz was able to shut himself in the bathroom with hopeful anticipation that these new shower contraptions would work out for him.

When he turned the water on, it came out of the main shower head as usual. He left it that way to heat up while he stripped his clothes and wrist wraps. The eagerness he felt to get under the hot water helped placate the urge he had to cover himself again.

Once the water was hot enough, he carefully stepped inside and used mostly the strength of his left leg to lower himself down to the chair. When he was low enough, he used his forearms on the chair arms to finish lowering himself, and the effort it took left him feeling shaky. He nearly dropped the shower head hose when he picked it up because of that, but he managed to hold on, change the water flow, and turn it onto his body.

For a while, he was nearly blissful as he sat beneath the flowing hot water after experimenting with the different shower heads. He could just relax and allow the heat to soothe his aching body without a care. It was a bit painful to wash himself still as he had to be gentle with his wrists, but he managed it well enough to scrub and rinse off. Then, he went back to melting beneath the delightfully hot water that he had craved for far too long.

Thank you, Colm. I hope these things won’t bother Jesper.

***

KazPer

7:40 pm

Jesper: You do realize I’m fully going to sit in this chair, right?

7:55 pm

Jesper: hey Kazoo, everyone is really worried about you. I missed you at dinner today

Jesper: I know you’re sad, but I hope you know I’m here for you

8:20 pm

Kaz: You can use the chair.

Jesper: I was just kidding

Kaz: Oh.

Jesper: Did it work out for you?

Kaz: Yeah.

Jesper: cool

Jesper: um… Matthias is worried. He feels really bad

Kaz: He does?

Jesper: Yeah. He hates that he hurt you. He really feels awful

Kaz: Oh.

Jesper: He thinks he did the wrong thing and that you’re mad at him

8:47pm

Kaz: I’m not mad. I just don’t like my wrists being grabbed. It scares me.

Jesper: If you’re feeling up to it, could you tell him? You haven’t been looking in the group chat and he’s a bit sad and he doesn’t know. We all know not to touch you, I mean. He was just trying to help and it all went wrong

Matthias

9:33 pm

Kaz: Hi.

Matthias: Hi! I hope you are feeling alright.

Kaz: I feel better.

Matthias: That’s good. I am really sorry, though. It’s my fault you got hurt. Jesper told us about the sprains.

Kaz is typing….

9:40 pm

Kaz: I don’t like my wrists being held.

Matthias: I’m sorry

Kaz: It’s okay

Matthias: I feel awful. I don’t want to make it about me, but I want you to know that I’m really sorry. I won’t do it again.

Kaz: thanks.

KazPer

9:45 pm

Jepser: Thanks Kaz

***

Kaz couldn’t sleep that night. The shower had been a boon to his overall state of mind and pain level, but the brief conversation with Jesper and Matthias left him unsettled.

Matthias hadn’t meant to hurt or scare him. Logically, he knew that. It was only that the feeling of his impossibly strong hands wrapped around his wrists came back, and that led to the feeling of hard metal manacles and cuffs digging into his flesh as he pulled against them.

He tried to rub each wrist with his fingers to remind himself that all there was to feel was fabric. There were no more painful chains to hold him in place for the next abuser. He could get up and move around whenever he wanted to.

He didn’t mean to hurt me. He said he was sorry. I’m the one who freaked out and ripped myself away. He didn’t know. He was just trying to help me, and he protected me from more attacks from those assholes. Matthias is nice like Jesper. He waited with me after it happened. I don’t have to be afraid of him.

A movement from his fingers caused a twinge of pain to shoot through his wrist, and his self-soothing talk was for naught. Fear bubbled in his gut again as memories once again started to take control of his thoughts.

Kaz breathed in deeply and held it before letting it out again as slowly as he could manage. He did not want to descend into a panic. He could barely hear the sound of his own breaths as he fought for calm among the increasingly loud cacophony of his own screams among the voices of his abusers. He thrashed his head so none of the thoughts could solidify into words, but it did nothing to temper the fear.

“Stupid fucking cripple. Why don’t you just kill yourself? I think he’s going to cry again. His face is all fucked up.”

I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to.

Nothing was working. Not his thrashing, not rocking himself, not humming… nothing.

Fuck!

He was on the verge of frustrated tears, and it didn’t take much longer for them to fall as another painful memory of the fight followed by another from the Rollin’s house surged through his mind. He wanted and needed help, but he didn’t know what to do. It was already well past midnight, and texting Jesper wasn’t a good idea. He had to sleep for school. All of his friends were likely asleep.

He switched his lamp on and grabbed his book. Read was nearly impossible as the pages were blurring from his tears. When he could wipe away enough of them to see, the words were not in his own voice in his head. They were in the voices of Rollins and too many others. Reading it aloud didn’t work because his breathing was so shaky and uneven that it was proving to be too difficult to achieve actual speech.

Frustrated, he tossed the book back onto his nightstand, wrapped a blanket around himself, and buried his fingers into his hair. He tried to self-soothe again by stroking and scratching through his hair to his scalp. Doing so triggered a gentle memory that flashed briefly among the nightmares. 

He was in his mama’s arms. She held him while running her long fingers tenderly through his hair as his pa read to him and Jordie. For the briefest moment, he could hear and remember his voice clearly before it faded away into the oblivion of loss only to be replaced by Colm’s.

“I know asking for help can be difficult, but… Anyway. I just want you to feel safe and comfortable.”

“Promise me that next time you’ll wake me up…”

Without another thought, Kaz pulled himself out of bed and went into the hallway. He didn’t want to wake Colm up, but he didn’t know what else to do. By what might have been a miracle to him if he’d believe in the Saints or Ghezen, Colm’s light was on.

***

A soft knock sounded, and Colm placed his phone down and made his way over to open his door. There, he found Kaz standing unsteadily. He looked so nervous and embarrassed, but there was a determined bravery in the way he held himself.

I hate thinking of him as brave. He was never given the choice to be anything but brave.

“Hi. Is everything alright?” Colm asked kindly. 

Kaz shook his head. He tried to speak, but he suddenly found that he could not.

“Nightmares?”

He shook his head, then nodded while wondering if it counted as a nightmare if he hadn’t been asleep. He tried once more to pull enough air into his lungs to force it out into words. It took a few more tries before he was able to whisper his answer.

“I don’t… feel good. I can’t sleep. S…scared. Can… Can you read me a s-story? To help me sleep. Just this once.”

Kaz looked down at the floor and nearly looked as ashamed as he was afraid.

You poor, sweet thing.

“Of course, and it doesn’t have to be just the one time. I’ll meet you in your room in just a minute?”

Kaz returned without another word, and Colm gave him time to settle before heading over himself. He hoped that there had been no surprise on his face when hearing Kaz’s request. It was obvious that Kaz was embarrassed to ask, but there were so few comforts he could ask for. Reading him a story, while childish in essence, was one comfort he likely remembered from when he was a little boy. It would allow him to seek calm that he could not find anywhere else.

Kaz had already climbed back into bed and buried himself in his blankets with his back against the wall when Colm came.  Colm looked at the book on his nightstand and asked, "This one?"

Kaz nodded.

And so, Colm read to him. He could feel Kaz studying his face as if searching for something. Colm was tempted to look into his eyes to discern what it was he might have been seeking, but he did as requested and simply read from his latest novel. In time, Kaz’s gaze turned to the ceiling, and his breathing relaxed as he listened to the words. Stolen glances told Colm that he was finally settling, and his words drifting through the still of the room lulled Kaz into a peace that led to him finally being able to sleep.

Colm made sure to read just a little more to be sure, and when he shut the book and put it down, he spared a few minutes to watch Kaz. He was well and truly asleep, taken there by Colm’s voice – a beacon in an ocean of terrible sound and memory.

It hit him then that he hadn’t read Jesper a bedtime story in years, and he found himself pining for the time when Jesper was little. He’d been so lanky even as a child, and his limbs would flow away from him every which way as he splayed in the bed falling asleep as he or Aditi read to him. He was likely the same age Kaz was when he was taken to the Rollins house. Imagining Kaz that little and that helpless left him feeling almost hopeless and hollow.

I don’t understand how anyone could have hurt you like that. You were so little. If only I could go back and protect you. I’m so sorry everyone failed you, Kaz. So sorry.  

Reluctantly, Colm switched off Kaz’s lamp and quietly retreated to his room before he allowed any tears to fall.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 37

The next morning, Kaz heard a tapping on his window. The crows he’d been feeding had come to visit him, though he knew they were after his stash of crackers more than a desire to see him. Still, it warmed his heart to know they had come. He could see one peeking in through the glass right at him and cawing at his friend who was flapping around outside.

Ignoring the stiffness in his body, he pushed himself up enough to retrieve their coveted crackers from his stash under the floorboard. He wished he’d kept some out for him to access more easily as pushing himself back up hurt more than usual. What he really wished for was that he didn’t feel the need to hide food at all. It was only that the instinct learned from years of having food withheld didn’t allow him to stop the habit.

Slowly, he pulled his window up with a bit of a struggle as his arms shook and his wrists twinged. The crows didn’t fly away and instead looked up at him expectantly.

“Sorry. I got hurt again, so I couldn’t come to you. Here you go…”

He sprinkled plenty of crumbled crackers outside of his window, and as usual, his little friends gobbled them up. When they were done, they cawed enthusiastically and flapped around before taking off as was routine.

Kaz watched them wistfully before moving to close the window. However, a glint in the sunlight caught his eye. He looked down to find a shiny coin left on the awning right where he could reach it. He bent down to pick it up and he realized then that the crows must have left it for him. There was also a stone next to it that was a mixture of brown and green.

He held them both in his hand, and excitement and warmth spread through him. Many years ago, Jordie had told him about how crows would bring gifts to people who fed them or paid them any kindness. Jordie had said, “crows remember the faces of those who are kind to them.”  Ever since then, he’d always wanted to try to befriend a crow if given the chance.

His treasures were placed on his nightstand next to his book which triggered a memory of the night before.

Colm… he read to me until I fell asleep. 

A sudden urge to show him his new treasures overcame him, but it was cut short by the sound of a car door shutting outside. Kaz looked out and saw that Colm was in the car and Jesper was just now getting inside. They were on their way to school.

I want to go…

Kaz looked at his backpack that had been languishing in the corner of the room. It hadn’t been opened since Monday as he hadn’t been sure about whether or not he’d return to school. Colm had insisted on him taking at least a couple of days off, and the pain he’d felt in both body and heart ensured that he had no choice but to stay home. He didn’t feel safe, but he wanted so badly to keep learning and take his life back however he could. It just didn’t seem possible, so he left his work untouched.   

Wait… They’re leaving so early? What time is it? Or… Did they forget about me?

Kaz looked at his phone. They weren’t leaving that early. They just hadn’t come to him that morning, and nobody texted him. Feeling a little hurt and forgotten, he put his phone on his desk. That’s when he noticed that a note had been left for him. He picked it up, and the fear that he had been forgotten faded.

“I wanted to let you sleep this morning after you didn’t sleep well last night. There are those fried potatoes you like saved for you downstairs. Let me know when you’re up and I can bring them to you.”

Maybe I can try and go downstairs myself? I haven’t since Monday afternoon.

With his new treasures now in his pocket, he quickly took a few pain pills and left his room. While his wrists were still sore, they didn’t hurt nearly as badly as they had been. Still, he opted leave his cane behind to use the wall along the hall as support and lean on the banister with his forearm while descending the stairs.

He needed to rest at the kitchen table for a few minutes as he felt his knee seizing up on him and not wanting to cooperate. Breathing took more effort than usual as well. It all made him feel like he was back in the hospital trying to get used to walking longer distances than a few shuffling steps from his bed to the bathroom.

After he caught his breath and felt able to, he found his potatoes in a container and heated them up while making himself some toast to go with them. It felt good to be able to do it on his own even while he was still recovering from injuries.  

When Colm got back, he’d already finished his breakfast and had been sitting for a while to rest and enjoy not being stuck in his room. Colm seemed very surprised to see Kaz at the table with his plate already cleaned.

“You’re up!”

Kaz nodded.

“I could have brought that up for you.”

“I know. I wanted to try,” Kaz responded quietly.

Unable to help feeling proud, Colm had to remind himself to not make a huge deal out of it. Kaz had decided to come down on his own, and that at least merited some recognition. He just wouldn’t go overboard.

Refraining from smiling too much, Colm said, “That’s great. How do you feel?”

After some thought and taking inventory of his body, Kaz said, “Sore, but better.”

“Glad to hear it,” Colm replied while sitting down at the table. “I don’t like seeing you suffer. Do you need any medications right now?”

Kaz shook his head and said, “I already took some. Oh…”

Colm watched him curiously as he quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out the small stone and a coin and placed them in the middle of the table.

“What’s this?” Colm asked as he reached for them.

“The crows brought them to me.”

Surprised, Colm looked up at him. Kaz nodded, and while he didn’t smile, his eyes had a little more light in them than they had all week.

“Where did you find them?”

“On the awning outside the window when I gave them crackers.”

Colm chuckled and said, “Making friends with crows. Of course you would, a chuilien. You might need a little display shelf or box for all the things they’ll bring you.”

“You think they’ll bring more?” he asked with the smallest hint of hope and excitement.                   

“I do.”

For the second time that day, Kaz was distracted by the sound of a car door closing outside, but this time he was nervous. Colm turned around and muttered, “Who on earth?” before making his way to the front door to inspect who had come to visit. His happy greeting upon opening the door and a familiar voice put Kaz at ease once more.

“Come inside, he’s just over here in the kitchen.”

A few moments later, Nadia came into view and greeted him. She had come on another surprise visit.

“Good morning! Glad to see you’re up and about. I heard about what happened,” she said, words laden with concern.

Kaz just nodded as he didn’t really want to talk about it again. If that’s why she was there, then he wished she hadn’t come despite her promises to check on him. What he wanted to talk about were the crows that he’d been feeding and how they’d brought him gifts. He wanted to ask Colm more questions.

Nadia could sense come apprehension in his body language, and she glanced at Colm who was taking his plate to put into the sink. Kaz ignored them while fiddling with the coin that he had picked up again from the middle of the table.

“I spoke with the school yesterday. I’ll be going in person to have a meeting with the principal and other administrators. As it stands now, they’re a bit of a disappointment,” Nadia explained.

“That’s an understatement,” Colm responded dryly.

“They seem very willing to cooperate again. Apparently, the little chat you had made an impression. Seems you put the fear of the Saints into them, and I’ll be happy to add to it.”

Kaz glanced between them then and wondered what it was that Colm had said after he left the room. Colm was always so calm and kind, but he caught a glimpse of what he looked like when he was upset. What still took effort to comprehend was that he was upset for him, and not with him. That was a brand-new experience.  

He continued to listen, but mostly concentrated on playing with his coin. Jesper had shown him a video a while ago of a man passing a coin along his knuckles and manipulating it with many different patterns and movements. He had been wanting to try, but it was difficult with his wrapped hands and gloves.

“Are you still learning magic tricks?” Nadia asked while nodding at the coin.

“Mhmm.”

“Tell her where you got it,” Colm said with amusement.

That sparked more enthusiasm in Kaz, and he put the coin back with the stone and nudged them toward her and explained, “The crows brought them to me.”

Nadia looked between them while wondering if they were playing some kind of trick on her. Colm giggled and then excused himself to look at his phone that had a recent notification.

“I feed them, and they bring me things.”

“They do that?” Nadia asked in surprise while bringing the stone and coin closer to herself to see.

Kaz nodded with a bit more excitement.

“Well, I have learned something new today. That’s very cool.”

Kaz took the items back after Nadia pushed them toward him again. He tucked them safely into his pocket.

“I hope your crow that you keep in your room doesn’t get jealous,” she teased.

Before he could respond, Colm said, “Well, I’ll be damned.”

“What is it?” Nadia asked.

“I just got an email from that asshat of a teacher he has for Kerch. Seems he’s either being forced to go out of his way to be nice, or he isn’t the biggest jackass after all. This is what he said.”

Colm cleared his throat and read the email aloud.

“Dear Mr. Fahey and Mr. Rietveld,

I would like to extend sincere apologies to you for what occurred on Monday. I understand that you are pressing charges against the students involved and that the students are still attending school in the meantime. I had them transferred out of my classroom. I do not wish for this to be an unsafe space. I know that we did not have the greatest start to our relationship, but I would like to make it right. I hope to see Mr. Rietveld back in class. Please let me know if there are any other accommodations I can make. Mr. Rietveld is a bright student, and I would hate for his education to suffer.

I have all of his work to catch up on for whenever he is ready. 

Dennis Faber”

Dumbfounded, Colm looked up from his phone and asked, “So what do we think? Fear from the state, or did a Saint slap him upside his moody head?”

“Either way, I’d take it as long as he behaves. Make sure you save that email in case other issues arise,” Nadia advised.

“He really said that?” Kaz asked.

“He did,” Colm said. “Here you go. You can read it.”

Colm slid his phone across the table and Kaz leaned forward to look. Every word was there just as he had heard them.   

“What are you thinking?” Nadia asked.

In truth, Kaz felt sick with a mixture of worry and hope that things could be different. So far, things were not working out at school as he had hoped. Perhaps if he only had lessons one on one with all of his teachers then he’d be alright. However, he understood that that was not how anything worked unless Colm was to hire private tutors to come to the farm to homeschool him. That would just damn him to more isolation, and he did not want that.

“I’m… not sure,” was all he could say in the end, and it was the truth.

“Would you like to go back to school?” Nadia asked as she folded her hands in her lap. “I’m doing everything to get them all in line and to make sure you’re protected. We can get you an aid to walk everywhere with you…”

“No.”

Kaz said that with more force than he intended. Usually, he would have flinched away in expectation of being hit for talking back, but the fear only flared for a moment before he remembered that Colm was not going to hurt him for expressing himself.

“It was okay when it was Jesper or my friends, but if someone else follows me, I’ll feel like I’m imprisoned again. I don’t want a babysitter. Everything was fine except for them.”

“I understand,” Nadia conceded.

“And I don’t want Jesper to miss more class because of me. I feel bad. And Matthias got in trouble because of me.”

Colm shook his head and said, “That was an emergency. That isn’t going to happen again, and Matthias is alright.”

“But what if it does happen again?” Kaz asked while looking between them. “You can’t promise that. People… People want to hurt me. I don’t understand why. I didn’t even do anything to those three. They just wanted to hurt me. Why do people do that? What did I do wrong?”

Colm reached across the table, tapped it twice, and said, “You didn’t do a single thing wrong. Those boys were just jackasses. You ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time because they targeted you. Some people just want to pick on the vulnerable because it makes them feel bigger. They’re not. They’re small, and they’re weak.”

Kaz sat with that for a while. The words sounded nice, but they sounded like fantasy. Kaz was the one who was feeling small and weak. Adrenaline was what pushed him through the fight, and he may even have successfully bashed their skulls in had Matthias not intervened. However, their effect on him lasted beyond the bruises and the sprains he suffered. It was the ghost of hands on his hips and pulling at his clothes which led to memories of things far worse that had usually accompanied those actions. It was the smallness and weakness he felt in the throes of those memories that made him wonder if Colm was wrong.

“Can I go back to my room, please? I’m tired.”

After a few beats and another glance exchanged between Colm and Nadia, Colm said, “Sure. I’ll bring you some lunch later.”

***

The backpack in the corner was taunting Kaz as he sat at his desk to practice moving the coin between his knuckles. He turned his body away from it, but it felt like it had eyes boring into the back of his skull. Frustrated, he got up and threw the backpack into his closet and sat back down.

It’s just another trophy for yet another failure. You can’t do anything. Rollins was always right about you. You’re worthless. You’re stupid. You’re nothing. But I don’t want to be nothing. I want to be something. Fucking Ghezen… There’s no point.

He kept practicing the movement of the coin. Slowly, it rolled over each knuckle and slipped down repeatedly. Every time it fell, he’d catch the coin and put it right back where he left off. Whenever it fell, he’d fight between feeling frustrated and determined, but he didn’t stop.

Finally, while it was slower than he’d like, the coin made it all the way across his hand. Pride flared through him, and he did it a couple more times to prove that he could do it before putting the coin back.

Turning toward his dresser to pick out a book to read from the growing piles he had on top of it, he saw the empty corner where his backpack had been.

What would Jordie say? Failure. No, he wouldn’t call me that. Right? Am I a failure if I don’t go back? Don’t I… Don’t I owe it to Jordie to try? Owe it to myself? I don’t want to be trapped here, and I don’t want to feel small. They’re gone now, and Colm is making sure they won’t come back. Even Faber is helping me now. Supposedly. I don’t know. Should I try? I want to. I don’t want to be small anymore. I refuse. I will not be small anymore.

Before he could think about it anymore, his backpack was back at his feet, and he was unzipping it to pull out all of the math work he had to catch up on. A familiar thrill was returning despite still feeling unsure. His hands shook when he opened his book to the right page and grabbed his pencil. Ignoring the twinge in his wrist, he picked up the coin with his other hand and held it tightly.

I’m not going to let them win.

***

Holding his head high with a bit of false bravado but genuine determination, he returned to classes the next morning as if nothing had happened. He would not acknowledge the hurt he had suffered any more than he already had, and Jesper walked him to class feeling absolutely thrilled to have him back despite his worry.

Both Mr. Timmerman and Ms. Bos, knowing exactly what happened to him on Monday, were pleasantly surprised to see him, and both offered him a warm welcome back which he acknowledged with a nod and by placing most of the work that was due onto his desk for them to come collect. Both smirked and felt pride in him for having come back with an obvious resolve to keep going.

The look on Mr. Faber’s face was what surprised Kaz. He nearly looked relieved when Kaz walked inside with Jesper. Again, Kaz only nodded as acknowledgement and took his seat while Jesper exchanged a few quiet words with Anika.

Kaz placed his work on the desk and waved at Faber. After finishing writing the assignments of the day onto the board, Faber came over and collected the papers and looked through them.

Impressed, but not finding the words to express that, he just said, “Glad to have you back,” before walking back to the front of the room.

A lot of the students looked at Kaz curiously as if to search for the wounds the rumors spoke of. Everyone in the school had heard something about a fight breaking out, but everyone in Faber’s class knew it involved Kaz and the bullies who were, as promised, no longer there. A few students gave Kaz a silent wave to welcome him back, and he gave them all a small wave back before pulling out one of his textbooks from his backpack.

Anika leaned over and passed him a note without making eye contact. Kaz took it without hesitation and read it quickly.

“Those fuckers are gone now. They should behave. The school had words with them, and I may have introduced them all to my creative threats. I’m quite good at linguistics when I want to be. They shouldn’t bother you again. If you need to go to the bathroom, I’ll walk with you if you want. I understand if that’s embarrassing, but whatever you’re comfortable with. Just ask, okay? Don’t worry about inconveniencing me. It gives me the perfect excuse to get the hell out of here.”

Anika’s note and help were appreciated, but he couldn’t stop himself from being nervous about the possibility that whatever she had said to them might make things worse. He wouldn’t say anything though and just hoped all would be well going forward. If he had to, he’d just drink less during the day to make sure he could wait and go to the bathroom between classes with Jesper or one of his other friends. He liked Anika, but he didn’t want her to go out of her way to help him or babysit him and make things worse.

This period was not as easy as his first two, but he expected that. Being in the room where his tormentors used to be was unpleasant. There were also the stares of the students, most of whom felt pity for him but also some who thought he was a bit strange. The feeling of their stares made his skin crawl, and he began losing focus and wondered if he really should just transfer to another classroom. If any of his friends had Kerch during that period, he could go be with them.

No. Don’t let them win, remember. You’re fine, and it’s going to be fine. They’re gone. Don’t let them take anything else from you.

A few deep breaths later, Kaz was focused on his morning work once again until Faber gave a brief lecture before turning them loose to do independent work in near silence. Kaz couldn’t complain as he’d rather spend his time focusing on his own work and keeping his head down for the time being. While Faber had made an effort to welcome him back, listening to him drone on about another short story was not high up on his wish list of desirable activities.

About halfway through the period, Kaz’s neck was sore from being bent for so long. He closed his eyes, titled his head back to stretch himself as much as he could, and carefully rolled his head forward while opening his eyes again.

His heart stumbled, and he forgot how to breathe.  

Without disturbing the silence of the room, a girl he had never seen before had come into the classroom. She was looking straight at him for an eternity and for a blink of an eye. Kaz’s eyes poured over her greedily in curiosity and fascination. She was lithe and small, but there was a ferocity in her earthen eyes that burned through him. He turned his gaze to his books quickly, but he looked back slyly when she turned and spoke with Faber.

The girl was wearing a black shirt that fell to her elbows underneath a pair of black overalls with pale purple flowers scattered around the fabric. Her bronze skin peeked out between the pantlegs and her black tennis shoes. She had adorned herself with bangle bracelets and earrings that attached to the top cartilage and the lobes with chains and small golden moons dangling from the ends. Her black hair was pulled back into a long, loose braid and still shone brightly against the black of her clothes. He would burn all of this into his memory.

She’s so pretty… Who is she? Oh, she’s looking at me again! Shit!

He looked back down and pretended to work. He wanted to work, but his skin was on fire and his heart was pounding out of his chest. There was no chance in hell he was going to be able to concentrate, so he just watched her out of the corner of his eye as she took a seat at the back corner of the class. Then, she was out of sight, and his heart sank.

For fucks sake, what is wrong with me? It’s just a girl. Focus, you ridiculous podge.  

That’s when he noticed Anika was staring at him with an eyebrow cocked and a smug smirk on her face. His cheeks were suddenly hot, and she snickered. All he could do was lower his face and try not to be perceived, but he could feel Anika’s amusement and his own embarrassment growing by the second. Even Faber looked at him oddly by the end of the period, though Kaz figured he was likely concerned that Kaz’s productivity had decreased markedly. He’d make up for it. At least he had an excuse.

When the bell rang, he waited as usual for the room to clear, but his eyes were drawn to the new girl again as she silently and quickly made her way outside between the throngs of students. She moved like a shadow, but he saw her. He couldn’t stop seeing her.

Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, so cool, for fucks’s sake what is wrong with me?! She’s so pretty, mysterious, like a ghost, so pretty… What the hell is wrong with me? I'm being ridiculous. She's just... so beautiful. Wow. I've never seen someone like her. She was staring right at me, and it wasn’t out of pity. It was… Ghezen, fuck, where is Jesper? I need to get out of here.

He got up and left before Jesper was able to walk in and he almost crashed into him. Jesper jumped back just in time, and Kaz looked up in surprise.

“Woah, you alright?” Jesper asked while searching his face.

“Y-yeah. Just want to get out.”

Unsure about his response, Jesper said, “O-okay… Let’s go to our spot? The others aren’t expecting you yet. Figured it might be a fun surprise.”

Kaz wasn’t sure about that. He didn’t exactly like surprises. He wanted to know what to expect, but perhaps it was alright for his friends. They might be happy to see him. He found himself looking forward to seeing them at least.

Jesper was quickly proven right as they arrived at the table.

“Kaz?! You’re back!” Wylan said excitedly. “It’s good to see you again.”

Kaz nodded and gave a little wave.

“Hi, Kaz.”

Matthias waved, and his face was burdened with worry about whether or not he should be there. Kaz had told him that everything was alright, and he had accepted his apology, but Matthias realized that he was imposing and a little frightening to Kaz. He made sure to keep his movements to a minimum while gauging Kaz’s reaction.

Kaz verbally said, “Hello,” and he could see Matthias relax and breathe easy again.

“Where’s Nina?” Jesper asked while looking around and tossing his backpack onto the ground beside their table.  

“She went to meet someone in the library for a few minutes before coming here. She shouldn’t be too long,” said Matthias.   

Kaz, meanwhile, sat down and played with his cards that he’d brought to school. He shuffled them around to keep himself from losing his nerve. He’d made it halfway through the day, but he needed a distraction to calm him down a little more before he could manage to eat his lunch. He was satisfied to just sit with them and listen to their chatter.

Matthias ended up watching him with interest, and Jesper encouraged Kaz to show him a magic trick. Kaz happily obliged and showed off some of his favorite card counting tricks which left both Wylan and Matthias stunned. Matthias stared at him like he had performed some kind of actual magic.

“Demjin…” he muttered.

Kaz looked up at him and said, “Demjin?”

“Demon,” Wylan answered nervously.

Matthias went white.

“Oh… Sorry. I didn’t mean it offensively. It’s what Fjerdan’s say about stuff like magic and witchcraft. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Matthias wilted, but Kaz found it a bit funny. He liked that his skills had that effect on people.

“It’s okay,” he assured him while shuffling his cards again.

“Oh! Here comes Nina. Who is that lovely lady with her?” Jesper mused.

Kas looked up, and his heart immediately skipped every other beat and stumbled through his chest like a man falling down an unfair number of stairs.

“Kaz?! You’re back?!” Nina shrieked.

He would have acknowledged her, but he had zeroed in on Nina’s companion: the new girl from his Kerch class.

Concerned about his silence, Nina asked Jesper, “Is it okay that I brought a friend? Is he alright?”

Jesper looked at Kaz, and while a bit confused by the look on his face, didn’t see any fear so he said, “Yeah, he’s okay.”

After accepting his answer with some hesitation, Nina went ahead to address the table exuberantly. “Everyone, I’d like you to meet a new friend of mine. Her name is Inej. She just moved here and doesn’t know anybody. I thought she could sit with us today. She’s cooler than I am, so it seems natural. That, and I have a project to catch her up on.”

Nina put her arm around Inej, and Kaz noticed how she stiffened a little from the contact. She managed to flash them all a smile regardless.

“Oooh, hello, Inej. I’m Jesper,” he said with a small bow.

“I’m Wylan.”

“Matthias.’

Kaz said nothing and just stared wide eyed.

Jesper, picking up on what was going on, slowly said, “… And this is Kaz.”

“He’s a bit shy,” Nina whispered.

“Me, too,” Inej whispered back with a bashful grin.

Inej, Inej, Inej, Inej, Inej, Inej, Inej, Inej, Inej…

Jesper cleared his throat which finally triggered Kaz’s ability to move his head and look at him. Only communicating with his eyes, Jesper gave Kaz a look that said, “You good, man?” Kaz looked down at his cards again without saying a single thing or even acknowledging Jesper’s telepathic questioning.

Wylan asked her about the classes she had, and the conversation made Kaz’s heart pound. It turned out that everyone had at least two or three classes with her while he only had one and they sat on completely opposite ends of the room. He grappled with the emotion it left him with, and he realized he was profoundly jealous of the others.

What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t know anything about her. She might be a bad person. If Nina likes her though, it might be okay. Nina is a good person. Inej seems really nice. She doesn’t look at me like I’m weird, and she is so pretty. Why is my heart beating so fast? Shit, what if she actually does think I’m weird? I hope she doesn't. Fuck, I want to talk to her.  Why though? Because her accent is so adorable? Because she's adorable? Because when I look at her, I feel like I'm looking at lighting? Because it feels like she’s not from this world? I can’t think of a single thing to say to her, and yet I want to ask her everything. I'm an idiot. But… maybe I’ll stay in Faber’s class after all. Inej is there.

He stole glances at her through the rest of the lunch period, and every so often, they would lock eyes for a few moments. Each time, he was sure he might die on the spot, and he wouldn’t care. Then, she’d look away or he would, and it felt like the world would swallow him whole.

Inej…

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 38

The first day back at school had left Kaz drained, but he hadn’t regretted going. He still had a lot of work to catch up on, however, and he looked forward to tackling it the next day when he wasn’t forced by his body to rest. Jesper made a point of calling him a nerd to tease him, and Colm admonished him. Kaz didn’t mind it, though. Jesper wasn’t wrong.

“You’re such a nerd, Kaz.”

“So are you!”

“Not as much as you.”

“Hush now, Jordan. You’re both nerds.”

Kaz and Jordie giggled at their pa’s interruption and ribbing.

Jesper reminds me of Jordie… And I guess Colm reminds me a little bit of Pa.

Kaz remained in his room for most of Friday night and Saturday so he could catch up on his work and recover from being out in the world again. His leg was more sore than usual as was his left wrist that needed to bear weight in order to use his cane. He had little choice but to use several of his heating pads as he worked from his bed.

By the time Saturday evening came, he was feeling much better and he felt confident enough to keep his wrist wraps off so long as he was careful to avoid aggravating his injuries. Not needing them gave him some peace of mind as he was able to see even more evidence that healing was an actual possibility. He’d spent so much of his life hurting in one way or another that healing still seemed unreal.

That night, he’d settled beneath his blankets, but he wasn’t able to fall asleep as fast as he’d like. His thoughts had other ideas, and they drifted back to the girl Inej from the day before. He’d thought about her last night, but he was so exhausted that he’d passed out without much time to do so. The daytime had been devoted to catching up on work which forced him to push her from his mind. Now that he was alone in the dark without any sort of distraction, he was faced with the memory of her gaze.

Inej… I wonder if she’ll sit with us again. I hope so. I don’t even know why. I could barely concentrate on anything she said after I found out that everyone else has more classes with her. Shit, does she think I’m weird? I didn’t even say anything to her. I didn’t know how. She was a new person. Nina didn’t know I was back, but it’s okay. I’m glad she brought Inej over because Inej is so… Inej. I don’t know.

Groaning, he pulled one of his pillows over his face to hide his cringing from the dark.

What would you say, Jordie?

***

It was Sunday morning, the second day of October. Colm was pacing his room in anticipation. He’d been waiting for this day for what seemed like ages. A reminder text regarding Nova the service dog and their upcoming meeting came a couple days ago, and Colm just received one more text from the trainer Orsa as a final confirmation. He was ready to go.

After the horrible week Kaz had, Colm hoped this was going to be a good pick-me-up for him. He had reminded Jesper that they would be going today and that it was still a surprise. Jesper had barely been able to contain his own excitement as he clasped his hands over his mouth and squealed the words, “finally getting a dog in this house”. Colm had to remind him that Nova was to be Kaz’s as a medical tool before anything else and that he couldn’t distract her when her harness was on. There would be a lot of rules for everyone to learn from this new experience. Jesper had agreed to everything readily and claimed that he was mostly excited for Kaz, though Colm knew how he could be around animals. It was natural for him to be excited.

Alright, I should go. I’m going to carve a trench into the floor if I don’t stop.

 After shaking out his nerves, Colm went to Kaz’s room and knocked on the door. Kaz called out that he could enter, and so he did and found him sitting upright in his bed with one of his textbooks open along with a notebook.

Such a studious kid.

“Good morning. How are you feeling today?”

“I’m okay,” Kaz answered.

And he did look okay. He looked far more relaxed than he had all week, though his fatigue was still evident as always. There were still dark circles beneath his eyes, and his body slumped about as much as it usually did as he worked. Kaz wrapped up the note he was writing before closing the notebook with his pencil used as a place holder.

“That’s good. Um…” Colm sat in the chair and gathered his wits. He was nearly too excited himself to tell Kaz what was up. “I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind me taking you somewhere today. I have a surprise for you.”

Kaz eyes snapped up to his.

“There’s a surprise waiting for you, boy.”

Colm could see a change in him, and it devolved into extreme hesitation that made it difficult for Kaz to simply ask, “Where?”

“It’s about an hour drive away from here. There’s something I want to show you,” Colm answered with a bit of a grin as he tried to cover up his concern regarding Kaz’s tone and posture. “It’s a surprise.”

“Why?” Kaz asked with the smallest voice.

“We’ll be meeting a friend of mine--”

“No! No, no…”

Kaz shoved himself back into the corner and pulled his knees up to protect himself which left Colm bewildered and unsure of how to react.

“Kaz?”

“I don’t want to go. Please, please, Colm… Please…”

Kaz was on the verge of tears, and Colm could not for the life of him figure out what he had done wrong.

“Can you help me understand why you don’t want to go? What did I say?”

After a few false starts, Kaz barely managed to say, “You’re taking me to … m-meet… m…”

He couldn’t say the words. He kept glancing at the window like he wanted to run. Colm pushed the chair back to give Kaz more space.

“Is this about Rollins?” he asked gently.

Kaz nodded and finally said, “E-every t-time he d-drove me somewhere to see his f-friends, he… they hurt me. There were a lot of them, and they… There were so m-many.”

Saints alive… I need to make sure Nadia knows that.

Forcefully, Colm insisted, “This is nothing like that. Can I explain? Alina is my friend, and…” Kaz shook his head emphatically, and Colm raised his hands a little to placate him. “Listen, please. She is a friend of mine. She will not hurt you.”

Colm emphasized the word “she” in the hope that it would allay any fears of potential male violence waiting for him. It did little in the end as his next sentence frightened Kaz even more and in a way Colm did not anticipate.

“Alina is another foster parent…”

“What?!”

Kaz looked terrified, heartbroken, and like he was about to be sick.

“She’s a foster parent?”

Tears spilled from Kaz’s eyes after looking around his room and back to Colm who was nearly frozen in his confusion.

“Are you giving me away?” Kaz asked, his voice cracking.

Oh, fuck… What have I done?

“No! No, of course not.”

Colm felt horribly guilty and sick as he watched Kaz grab Crow and clutch it to himself in a panic.

“I don’t want to go somewhere new. What did I do wrong?” he said through growing sobs. “I don’t want to leave. Please?”

“A chuilien, I swear you’re not. I’m so sorry, Kaz. I’ve gone about this the wrong way. I didn’t think…”

Kaz bowed his head against his knees as tears continued to stream.

“I don’t w-want to go s-somewhere else. I don’t want to, I don’t, I don’t… I went back to school. I’m trying to be better. Please let me stay.”

Saints, help me. I have botched his… Of course, he’s terrified. I’m a complete fool. I should not have sprung this on him after such a tumultuous week.      

“Hey, hey, hey. Kaz?” Colm knelt on the floor near the bed. “I’m not giving you away. This is your home. I swear. Take in a few deep breaths.”

Kaz shook his head as his breathing hitched between his sobs.

“Come on, lad. Follow me. Look up. Look up at me.” Kaz finally complied, and Colm nodded and said, “Breathe in. Out. Yes, again. Keep breathing with me. Good.”

After a few minutes, Kaz was calm enough to listen.

“This is your home now, Kaz. I am not giving you away. I swear. Please trust me,” Colm implored. Kaz hugged his crow tighter, but he kept listening. “Alina has another woman friend who trains service dogs. I wanted to surprise you with your own. I wanted it to be a good experience and something nice that you didn’t expect.”

In an instant, Kaz went from looking devastated to shocked but still untrusting.

“… a dog?” Kaz asked.

Colm nodded and said, “Yeah. For your PTSD. Your panic and your fear. I was thinking one could help you. We’ve matched you with a really sweet dog who’s so clever. She’d help you when you’re upset or scared or need affection that we can’t give you yet. I’m hoping that she’ll help you feel safe. We want to take you to meet her today and, if it’s a good match, we’ll bring her home. Jesper is coming, too.”

Knowing Kaz had started to form a strong bond with Jesper, Colm hoped that telling Kaz that he was coming would help put his mind at ease. He could see that Kaz was still not convinced as he would still glance toward the window and had hardly uncurled himself from the corner.

“Can Jesper and I please take you? I swear it’s for a dog. I can even show you pictures.”

Colm pulled his phone out and opened up his gallery. He swiped to find the few pictures he’d been sent of Nova, and he showed Kaz whose eyes softened when he saw her.

“Do you like her?” Colm asked.

Kaz wiped his eyes and hesitated for a moment before asking, “She’s real?”

“I swear it, a chuilien. Can I please take you to meet her?”

A long silence settled between them as Kaz stared at the picture on the phone before looking back up to ask, “When?”

“I was hoping after breakfast.  If it’s too soon we can reschedule. What do you think? Do you want to go meet her?”

Kaz nodded, and the tension in Colm’s shoulders released at least. He’d been so stiff that relaxing actually hurt.

“I’m really sorry about how I approached this, Kaz. I’ll be more mindful next time regarding surprises. I should have talked to you first. That’s my fault.”

“Jesper is coming?”

“If that’s alright with you?”

Kaz nodded and stopped squeezing Crow quite as hard.

“Well go there and come right back home. Well, pet store first if it’s a good match. You pick some things out for her. And don’t worry about the cost. I’m covering it and all food and vet bills. And before you think to ask why it’s because I want to. Now, get dressed and come get breakfast.”

Kaz sniffled once and said, “Okay.”

Colm stood up to leave and said again, “I really am so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you or make you think that I was… That I would do something like Rollins did or that I’d give you away. I’m… This is your home, and we’re keeping you safe. Okay?”

Again, Kaz nodded. Colm sighed and turned to leave, but before he could make it out the door, Kaz called out to him.

“Colm? What if I…”

Colm turned to face him, and he could see Kaz flinch just a little. He tried not to take it to heart. He knew that Kaz couldn’t help it and that he’d already botched the entire morning. Of course, he’d be sensitive.

“What if I can’t take care of her? What if… if it hurts too much to walk and I can’t take her out or feed her or…”

“Then we will figure out solutions. Remember, I’m covering necessities financially for now. She will be your responsibility to care for, but if you’re having a bad day, I will help you. You’re not alone.”

“I can’t ask that of you.”

You don’t have to ask. I’m going to do it regardless. What else worries you?”

Kaz squeezed Crow again.

“If they take me away or one of them finds me and forces me to go back... What happens to her? And… What if… Will you ever take her away from me? If I can’t take care of her? Will you take her?”

He’s afraid to hope and get attached.

“No. I will never, ever take her from you. And you will never go back to those people. I swear that to you. She will live her life out with you and you will never set foot into that prison again. Nobody is taking you away from here. This is your home for as long as you want it. Do you understand?”

Kaz thought on his words, and he nodded in acceptance, though Colm wasn’t sure how much Kaz believed him. He’d just have to start there.

***

The car ride through the fields and into the forested foothills felt like an eternity to Kaz. Colm played soft music and Jesper drummed along on both the door and the dashboard between their short bursts of chatter. It seemed to Kaz that they were nervous like he was, but Colm had promised everything was alright, and he’d seen photographic proof that what he promised was true.

A dog. Colm is getting me a dog, but… What if he found the pictures on the internet and is using them to lie to me? What if they’re taking me to a bad place like Rollins used to? They wouldn’t do that, right? The dog is real? I’m… I’m scared. This is all too sudden and different. I don’t like this. I’m scared. I’m really scared.

Kaz curled into himself more, and Jesper noticed the next time he glanced back to check on him. Colm had told him that Kaz was frightened this morning. Neither could blame him. He’d had a really hard week, and now there was a new change being thrust onto him. After having lived in uncertainty beyond a promise of agony, it was no wonder Kaz had misunderstood Colm that morning.

“Almost there, Kaz!”

He looked up at Jesper and studied his smile. It looked genuine, but he was still unsure. He couldn’t respond. His tongue and his throat refused to cooperate. He couldn’t even nod.

Ten minutes later, they pulled into a driveway as directed by the GPS. Kaz’s nerves were on fire, and he scanned the area for anything that might be a threat or a potential hiding place should he need it. There were plenty of trees and cover, but he doubted he’d get far on his leg.

The windows were cracked open, and the sound of barking suddenly reached Kaz’s ears. He perked up and his gaze shot to the front windshield to search for the source. He found that they were approaching a clearing with wide stretches of green grass and a large, white building. In the fields were a few trainers with dogs – some in one field harnessed and learning new skills and some in another field off leash and playing.

“There’s so many!” Jesper squealed quietly.

“Mo leabh, be on your best behavior, please.”

“Oh please, it’s not like I’m going to smuggle a puppy out of here.”

“Good lad.”

“I’m smuggling ten,” Jesper muttered under his breath.          

Colm gave him a look, and Jesper smiled smugly and looked far too pleased with himself. Kaz, however, was transfixed with his surroundings.

It’s real. Everything is real.

He cautiously emerged from the car while Jesper bounded out to look around. Kaz remained by the open door and listened while scanning the area.

“Ready?” Colm asked with a grin.

Kaz followed him and Jesper inside and up to the front desk where they were immediately greeted by two women. Colm hugged a the smaller of the two – a Shu woman with white hair and a kind smile. The other woman, tall with dark skin like Jesper, offered a handshake while welcoming him to her facility before turning to Kaz.

“Hello! You must be Kaz. I’m so happy you made it out here today. I’m Orsa.”

Kaz nodded while keeping his hands firmly on his cane. He still couldn’t bring himself to speak, and he kept glancing toward Colm for help.

“Orsa is the one who found a match for you. She owns this place and is the lead trainer. This…” Colm gestured toward the Shu woman. “This is Alina. She’s my friend who put us in touch.”

“Nice to meet you,” Alina said.

“Are you ready to meet Nova?” Orsa asked. When Kaz wasn’t able to answer, she simply said, “Follow me?”

She led the way to a room and went inside followed by Colm, Alina, and Jesper. Kaz went inside last and took a seat where Orsa pointed.

“This is where she’ll be brought, and we’ll see how you two get along. As you know, she’ll be helping you with any PTSD symptoms you have. If you’re panicking or anxious, she’ll sit with you and can put pressure on your chest. She also jumps up to paw at your chest and lick your face to bring you back to the present. When in public, she’ll stand at your back so you’ll feel protected. We’ve also taught her how to accommodate a walk with a limp and cane. She can even offer support. She’s a very strong girl. Very smart. too. Off duty, she’s very high energy and loves to play. She’ll be able to work with you all day and still want to have fun afterwards. We can show you everything and teach you how to work together. Do you have any questions until then?”

Kaz could barely process what Orsa had just said to him. He was sure he had a thousand questions, but he couldn’t latch on to any. Even if he had, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to vocalize them. So, he just shook his head.

“Oh, here she is.”

Another trainer walked in, and the most beautiful black dog was beside her. Kaz’s breath quickened, and the dog’s ears perked up as her gaze zeroed in on him.

“Ready?” Orsa asked.

Kaz was nodding before he could even think.

They dropped the leash, and Nova walked up to Kaz and sat in front of him. His heart was fluttering, and he cautiously reached out his gloved hand for her to sniff. She did, and then she nudged his hand as an indication that he should pet her. He did, and her eyes became half lidded while never looking away from his own.

She’s real… She’s real. She’s mine?

His heart rate and breathing grew a little quicker, and Nova pushed herself against him. He opened his legs so she could move between them. She rested her head on his thigh while still encouraging him to pet her. His shoulders relaxed and his eyes softened.

Meanwhile, Colm and Jesper shared a knowing look. Kaz was in love, and Colm had made the right decision.

“Ready for me to show you what else she can do for you?”

Kaz remained quiet, but he followed every instruction with care and attentiveness and rewarded Nova accordingly from the treat bag he’d been given. He first learned how to walk with her and signal for her to stand behind his back. He was nervous at first as he took a position by a wall. He nearly didn’t go through with it, but nudging from Nova distracted him enough to try. Having her at his back allowed him to stay there for a while without entirely losing himself to fear. Feeling her there and knowing that nobody was going to get between them gave him more assurance. He still kept his head turned to watch behind him.

As a test, Orsa stepped toward him, and Nova stood up to face her and keep further distance between her and Kaz. Kaz shivered a little, but Orsa backed off and Nova sat back down against his legs. Then he turned and she stood to look up at him expectantly, and so he pet her and gave her a treat.

They practiced walking more, and Kaz stumbled a little. Nova immediately braced on command by Orsa, and he caught himself with his cane and a little pressure on shoulders. Kaz was going to need to learn to vocalize it himself even when nervous.

After a while, Kaz was tired and needed to sit. Everything, while a bit exciting, did leave him feeling overwhelmed which only heightened his nervousness. She pawed at him in response, and he wondered if he might try something.

Using the chair and his cane, he eased himself onto the floor. His leg seized a little, and he winced as he stretched it out and massaged it. Nova laid down against it and rested her head on his lap. When it stopped hurting as much, he was able to pet her again.

“What do you think, Kaz?”

Colm was smiling while asking him, but Kaz’s heartrate picked up regardless of the kindness in his face and tone. Kaz couldn’t help it, and Nova took notice. She sat up and immediately pressed herself into his chest and put her head on his shoulder. His heartrate picked up even more, and she nudged against his chin.

Could I… She’s right against me, and I’m not scared. Could I… ?

Then, for the first time in almost half his lifetime, Kaz wrapped his arms around another living thing and held it close to him. He couldn’t help it when a few tears spilled from his eyes and into her fur. She sat perfectly still while pressing against him, and he breathed out a shaky, quiet sob while nodding at Colm. He loved her, and he wanted to keep her. He was still so terrified of all of this being a trick, and so he hugged her harder.

“I think we have a winner,” Colm said to Orsa.

“I think so, too,” Alina added.

Nodding with satisfaction, Orsa said, “I think they’re an excellent match. I don’t see any way they’re not leaving here together today.”

Colm chuckled and said, “I do believe you are right.”

“Sometimes it can take a few meetings to see for sure, but not this time. Let’s go finalize some paperwork and give them some time together?”

“Sounds good. Kaz, will you be okay here with Nova?”

Kaz nodded.

“Alright.” Colm turned to Jesper and said, “You can go look at the puppies, but do not touch.”

Colm was pointing a warning finger at Jesper who just giggled and pranced away. Colm was about to follow him and Orsa and Alina out when Kaz called out to him.

“Colm?”

He looked back and then told Orsa he’d join her in a minute before coming back inside and closing the door.

“Yes, Kaz?”

Still holding Nova, Kaz looked up at him and said, “You… You promise this is real? Not a trick?”

Colm’s face fell a little, but he tried to hide it. Kaz hoped he hadn’t hurt him with his question, but he couldn’t help it. He had to be sure.

“I swear to all the Saints, Kaz. She’s yours. Well, I think you’re hers, actually. I think she claimed you as her own.”

Kaz nodded again, and Colm giggled before leaving them.

Nova pulled back after a few minutes and looked into Kaz’s eyes. He was completely taken in by the glittering brown shades and her curious face.

“Hi, there,” he said quietly.

She licked his chin which surprised him. He then reached up to scratch her ear while wiping his face dry. She melted into his hand, and his heart warmed. There was a happiness growing inside of him unlike anything he’d ever known.

That happiness remained all the way to the car and for the entire ride to the pet store. Nova stretched across the back seat with Kaz and laid her head on his lap again.

Staring down at her, Kaz decided to slip his gloves off. With a little hesitation, he pressed his hand into her fur, and his shoulders relaxed even more. She was softer than he anticipated, and he allowed his fingers to continue their exploration and the calm feeling it brought to him.

Colm noticed his actions from the rearview mirror, but he said nothing. All he did was feel his own heart skip a beat as he drove with a beaming smile.

***

Colm was more than ready to go shopping once they arrived at the pet store. He grabbed a cart and told Jesper and Kaz to grab any toys and treats Nova might like. Jesper was more than willing to help with this task and grabbed his own cart.

They were told that Nova liked tennis balls, so Kaz was sure to pick up a tube of them. Meanwhile, Nova walked beside him and stood at his back just as she had during their training. It made him feel safer than ever.

“What about this?” Jesper asked.

He was holding an obnoxiously colored turtle toy, and he squeezed it. The squeak was very loud, and Kaz flinched. Jesper tossed it back and said, “Maybe not that one.”

They ended up finding a few toys that had gentler squeakers so Kaz could acclimate to the sound of them. Loud noises were still hard for him, so this would help as a form of sound therapy. They also grabbed heavy duty rope toys for her to tug on. Kaz wasn’t sure his arm would stay attached if he tried to play with her like that, but he was excited to try.

Colm eventually came back with two huge bags of food and a ton of cans by the brand recommended to them by Orsa. There were also a lot of treats for her to try as well as the training and reward treats that Kaz would keep with him in a little pack when they went out.

“Not too many in one day,” Colm warned. “Don’t want her to get sick.”

There were also two cushy beds on top the basket: one for Kaz’s room and one for the living room. There were even a few little blue blankets with white bones printed on them for her to use with her beds. Flea prevention, shampoo, and brushes were also tucked into the cart. Finally, there were a ton of poop bags that Jesper just had to giggle about which drew out an exasperated eyeroll from Colm.

Before going to the register, they passed through one more toy aisle. Kaz was looking down at Nova and he saw her eyes shift toward a large stuffed bear on the shelf, but she kept walking like she was supposed to. He paused and grabbed it for her. He could see that she looked a little excited, but she refrained from reacting.

“Yes! Into the cart!” Jesper said once he saw it. “Even dogs need big stuffies.”

As Colm was paying for everything, Kaz stood and waited in a daze.

I can’t believe this is happening. He’s really buying all of that. We’re keeping her. I get to have a dog. Is she really mine? I’m not dreaming, am I?

Those thoughts were in a loop until they finally arrived home and climbed out of the car. Kaz decided to let Nova out of the harness then so she could explore what he hoped was her new forever home with him.

My forever home…

Before he could dwell on that thought, Nova took off running. She pranced and zoomed all over the front of the unfenced yard, but she never went out of sight and stayed close.

“Hey, Kaz.”

Kaz turned and saw that Jesper had a ball in his hand.

“Catch?”

He did, though he nearly dropped it. Nova saw and ran over and watched with rapt attention. She knew that she was off duty and what a ball in the hand meant.

With as much strength as he could, he tossed the ball, and she went flying. She chased it down and immediately brought it back with unbridled enthusiasm and joy. He threw it even harder, and she zoomed away again. They repeated this process, and slowly but surely, the corners of Kaz’s lips raised higher and higher until she barked in excitement. That caused him to break out into a goofy, toothy grin.

Jesper and Colm saw, and their breaths caught. It was the first time he’d ever smiled in front of them. Really, they knew it was the first time he’d smiled since before he was hurt. Jesper immediately took a picture and hoped that Kaz wouldn’t mind.

Holding back his tears, Colm watched from the porch. Nova ended up dropping the ball on her latest retrieval. She fumbled and chased the ball around her feet as she tried in vain to pick it up.

That’s when the next miracle happened.

Kaz was belly laughing. It was the warmest and most joyous sound. Colm covered his mouth in shock as he teared up. Jesper took more pictures and then went to stand beside his da. They both shared a hopeful smile. Colm put his arm around Jesper and gave him a squeeze.

For the first time in a long time, Colm felt like he could breathe again.

He’s going to be okay.

***

That night, after everyone settled in their rooms, Kaz patted his bed to see if Nova might want to come up with him. She did, and she settled beside him as he reached over to turn off his lamp. He pulled a blanket over both of them, and he cuddled up against her back as his own back was against the wall.

He put an arm over her and buried his face into her fur and felt her even paced breaths flowing in and out of her rising chest. There was a calming force with it, but he couldn’t help the flood of emotions that built with every passing minute.

She’s real. She’s here, and… I can hug her. I can finally hug someone. Jordie, I can hug someone. I can’t believe it… I have a dog. I have… I have a dog.

He couldn’t help but cry tears of relief then. Nova shifted a little, but a reassuring pet from him told her that he was alright and to please stay if she could. She did, and he wrapped himself around her just a little more.

She’s real.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 39

When Kaz awoke, Nova was still beside him, but she was staring down at his face which startled him. She cocked her head which caused him to snort. He reached up to scratch her ear.

“Was I doing something weird in my sleep?” he asked her groggily. “Why are you staring at me?”

Nova licked him on his cheek and nudged him playfully. He giggled a little and said, “Ew.”

He wiped his cheek with his sleeve and went back to petting her. She leaned into his touch, and he smiled.

“You’re still real.”

After a few minutes, he pushed himself to sit upright. As his weight settled, Nova jumped down to the floor and stretched with a big yawn. She looked at the door and back at him.

“Potty?”

She twirled once, and Kaz nodded in response before taking a turn to stretch out his stiff limbs.

“Okay. I’m coming.”

Kaz didn’t bother getting changed out of his sleeping clothes as he was more eager to let Nova out. He’d deal with climbing back up the stairs later. In his eagerness to care for her after pulling his gloves on, he moved a little faster than he was used to after getting out of bed. He lost his balance, but his quick-thinking brain brought the word “brace” to his lips. Nova, who had walked beside him despite being out of her harness, stood strong and he put his hand between her shoulders while putting most of his weight on his cane and left leg.

Nova looked up at him and waiting for him to move or say something, and he said, “Good.” Then, she stood normally and walked beside him down the stairs before prancing to the door as soon as they reached the bottom.  

When he let her outside, she flew out into the front yard and sniffed her surroundings. Kaz sat on the porch swing and watched her to make sure she didn’t run off very far. She never did, and she frequently looked up to see where Kaz was which made him feel more at ease.

Cawing in the distance drew his attention as Nova continued with her business.

Oh, I should go see them. Nova might like going for a walk.

Kaz pushed himself up once Nova returned, and they went to the kitchen to find some crackers that he could take for his crow friends. Nova watched him with interest, so he turned to her and said, “I want to introduce you to some friends. Try not to scare them off, okay?”

The two of them made their way down the drive toward the sound of the caws, and when they came into view, Kaz told Nova to sit. She did as she was told, and he walked a little further away as she watched attentively. The crows popped out of the fields into view and cawed at him loudly and expectantly.

“Hi. I have a new friend,” he said while sprinkling the cracker crumbs around him and pointing back toward Nova. He moved closer to her still so the crows could see where he was going and hopefully understand that Nova wasn’t a threat to them. He tossed some more crackers down and moved back further. That was as far as he would push his luck for the time being, but then a third and fourth crow swooped in behind him. He froze, but Nova didn’t move, and they didn’t react.

“More of your friends?” he asked the first two. “Alright, here you go.”

He crumbled the last of the crackers up and gently dropped them around for the crows to take. Then he held up his hands to show that he didn’t have any more. The crows didn’t take off immediately but instead hopped around while chattering at each other.

Kaz looked at his phone and realized it was time for him to get ready for school or he’d be late. He put it back in his pocket and said, “I’ll leave you to your crow business. Bye for now.”

With careful steps, he walked around the crows and back to Nova. He was relieved to see that they did not fly away in fright from him being so close or from Nova’s presence.

When they got back to the house, Colm was on the porch waiting for them. Kaz wondered if he’d done something wrong, but Colm’s wave and relaxed body language as he sipped his coffee told him he was fine.

“Morning. How was your walk?”

“Okay. More crows came.”

“Really? How’d they do with Nova?” Colm asked between sips.

“They didn’t seem to mind her.”

Nova climbed up the steps and said hello to Colm who reached down to pet her. She licked his hand before leaning into his touch, and that made Kaz relax even more.

If she likes Colm, then he really is alright.

“Welp, you should go get ready for school now. Don’t want to be too late today.”

Kaz nodded, but before going inside, he turned to ask Colm, “Do my teachers know?”

“About Nova? Oh, yes. I sent them an email on Friday. I didn’t want them spilling the beans before then. None of them have expressed concerns.”

Kaz, still uneasy about Faber, asked, “Not even my Kerch teacher?”

“No. He just said, ‘Alright’ and that was the end of it. He’s not very talkative, that one. That’s just fine, though. As long as he’s not an ass.”

Kaz let out a breathy laugh then and went upstairs to get ready with Nova.

Colm watched him fondly and thanked the Saints that Kaz was now openly smiling and laughing. It was such a profound difference from the first day he arrived at their home. Kaz still had a long way to go, but his expression of joy was such an important step to his healing. Colm would take any step forward with gratitude, but this one was truly special.

***

“Is Inej sitting with us again today?” Kaz asked as he and Nova walked beside Jesper through the school hallway.

Jesper answered, “I’m not sure. Is it okay if she does? I thought she was kind of cool. Seemed to fit in. If it’s too much, I can talk to Nina.”

“No!” Kaz said quicker and louder than he intended. Immediately softening his voice, he said, “No, it’s okay.”

“Alright,” Jesper answered with a knowing grin.

After a while, Kaz asked, “Do you think Inej will like Nova?”

“I don’t see why not…” Jesper eyed him with his brows raised. “Any particular reason you’re concerned about her liking Nova or not?”

Kaz went red and said, “No.”

“Mhmm. Well, if you’re up for it, I would suggest letting her off the harness for a minute in the field so everyone can all get acquainted with her. She has a lot of aunties and uncles now. Only if you’re okay with it, though. Just thought… Shit, I really shouldn’t even make suggestions, actually.”

Kaz shook his head and said, “It’s okay. I want them to meet her like that.”

In fact, Kaz was excited for his friends to meet Nova. He wanted to show them how smart she was and how he could do more things than before now that he had her. School was going to be easier with her there to comfort him and make him feel safe when so many were determined to make him feel the opposite. With all of this came the hope that he would not have to rely on Jesper and his friends so much so he could stop interrupting their own education for his sake. The last thing he wanted was to be a burden to them and make them dislike him. 

Everyone was keeping a wide berth between Kaz and Nova, and Kaz was grateful for it. Nobody was supposed to distract her or interact with her while she had her harness on. He didn’t mind the quiet whispers from the students who said that she was adorable. They were right.

“Alright, hold on. I’m texting them.”

Fiving and Not Thriving

7:40 am

Jesper: YO. CHAOS GAYS AND GAY BY ASSOCIATION. ASSEMBLE.

Matthias: Why are we shouting

Nina: Jesper. It is too early. I am tired. Why do you expect me to move my legs more than necessary. There are laws about cruel and unusual punishment

Jesper: GUYS. THE DOG. COME MEET THE DOG.

Nina: OMG FUCK YOU I’LL BE THERE IN FIVE SECONDS. WAIT WHERE ARE WE MEETING

Jesper: THE FIELD 

Matthias: Nina is already running. Nova is already a miracle worker

Wylan: Be there in a minute.

“Oh, they’re very excited,” Jesper said while pushing the door open for Kaz as they headed outside.

“Me, too,” said Kaz with a small smile.

“Yeah?” Jesper asked. “That’s good. I like seeing you happy.”

Kaz blushed a little again. He’d never heard anybody say that to him before. And he was happy. Colm had been consistently doing what he could to make sure Kaz had a chance at it, and he had succeeded. Kaz had plenty of clothes, food, books, games to play, and now a dog. He was safe and cared for. He still couldn’t quite accept that he wasn’t actually dreaming.

Out in the field, Nina was already there and squealing. She kept her hands balled into fists at her side while waiting for Kaz to take the harness off of Nova. As soon as it was off, Nova went up to Nina who dropped to her knees to say hello.

“Oh, you beautiful beast. You’re going to give Trassel a heart attack,” Nina teased while rubbing Nova’s ears. “Is Kaz a good papa to you? Yes, he is. You are too soft.”

Papa?

“Hey guys!” Wylan called out.

Kaz and Nova turned to see him, and Nova pranced over to meet yet another new friend. Wylan cupped his cheeks with his hands while saying, “Aaw! How are you this adorable? Can I pet her?”

“Yes. When she’s off harness.”

Wylan wasted no time lavishing her with love as Matthias also joined them. Matthias knelt to say hello, and Nova took extra interest in sniffing him.

“You smell my dog? Yeah? Hello, gorgeous.”

They all cooed and pet her while Kaz gladly watched until the bell rang. Everyone groaned in disappointment, but they made sure to give Nova one more pet which she delighted in. Her tail was wagging hard, and Kaz grinned. Nina took notice and nudged Matthias as Kaz slipped Nova’s harness back on and gave her a scratch behind her ears. It was the first time they’d seen him smile.

***

Nova, just as he knew she would be, was on her best behavior and was a calming force for Kaz throughout the entire day. None of his teachers had an issue with her, and they made sure all of the students knew to keep their distance and that she was not a toy.

There were a few times when his heartrate spiked from loud noises or feeling overwhelmed, and Nova would sit up and put her head on his lap. All he had to do was pet her and let himself be grounded in the moment with her.

Nova even picked up on the routine expectations of the classes. Homework was due at the beginning, and the students would all place their papers on the front desk in a box or in a pile. When Kaz pulled his out, he would remain seated and wait for the teacher to take his. Nova, however, looked up at him and reached up with her snout. He held the papers out curiously, and she delicately grabbed them and took them over to the desk. All the students cooed, and the teachers either laughed or watched with their eyebrows furrowed. Nobody complained, though, and Nova returned to her spot and waited for her next task.

Anika smiled at her when she saw her, and she said, “Cool dog.” Very quietly, Kaz was able to force himself to quietly say, “Thank you” in return. She was surprised by this, but she tried not to let it show by quickly saying “yeah” and going back to her work.

Kaz’s attention was more drawn to Inej who came into the class shortly after he did. They locked eyes, and she nodded in recognition. Her gaze dropped to Nova who was nudging Kaz’s hand again to get his attention as his heart rate was going through the roof.

Before Kaz could react any further, the bell rang and Faber launched into his lesson for the day. Inej took her seat, and Kaz wanted to bang his head into the desk. He valiantly tried to pay attention again, but it was difficult when all he wanted to do then was introduce Nova to Inej.

I’m an idiot. I am a hopeless, gigantic idiot. We haven’t even spoken. I just met her. Why the hell would she want to talk to me? Would she? Damn it, focus. Kerch now, Inej later.

Nova’s snoot was going to be living in his lap during this class apparently as she eyed him with concern. He pet her and slipped her a treat to reassure her that he was okay and just an idiot.

Much to his relief, Inej did join them at lunch again, though she went to meet Nina first. Kaz’s heart fluttered in an obnoxious dance when he saw her coming.

She’s coming, she’s coming. What do I do? Oh fuck. Um…

Kaz looked down at Nova who was just finishing up her own lunch of kibble that Colm had packed for her. Her harness was off, so he wondered if she might go up and greet Inej on her own.

“… and then the asshat told me it was late and that my technological difficulties were not his problem,” Nina complained as they approached while Inej listened sympathetically.

“Hi Inej!” Wylan greeted.

Feeling like his skin was on fire, Kaz couldn’t bring himself to look up. He wanted to so badly, but he was suddenly stricken by nerves. Nova immediately picked up on it and nudged him.

Oh…

He leaned down and buried his face into her fur for a while and tried to regulate himself into a more functional person. He felt eyes on him, and he wanted to sink into the ground.

“Doing okay, Kaz?” Matthias asked.

Kaz nodded and took a deep breath before sitting up to look at everyone around the table from his corner near the tree. He gave Nova one more pat before grabbing one of her balls from his bag to toss for her. She needed some exercise after having sat around for so long. Jesper had already taken her to the bathroom to give Kaz a chance to rest, so he was thankful to not have to worry about that for the moment. He needed to get used to all of the responsibility, but he didn’t mind it, and Jesper was more than eager to help when he could.  

“Who is this?” Inej asked.

Startled by the sound of her voice, Kaz looked up and found himself swimming in her lovely eyes and unable to speak. He opened his mouth to try, but he was suddenly lacking the air to breathe her name to life. Not wanting to be rude, he tried again and managed to whisper, “Nova”.

Unable to hear him, Inej leaned forward to try and catch the name, but Jesper swooped in to the rescue.

“Nova is a very lovely lady. Aren’t you, darlin’?”  

Jesper gave Nova a pat and she looked up at him as if she knew exactly what he said and agreed wholeheartedly.

“Nova? That’s a really pretty name,” Inej remarked.

That comment made Kaz flush from head to toe, and he nodded while trying not to smile too much. Inej caught sight of it, and her own lips quirked up into an easy grin.

For the rest of lunch, Kaz sat in silence while eating and listening between tosses of the tennis ball for Nova. Wylan even took a few turns to toss the ball so Kaz had a few more minutes of peace to actually finish his food. Orsa had been right about Nova’s energy level.

Today, his friends were more open to asking Inej questions about herself, and he listened with rapt attention while trying not to seem anything other than casual and calm. Inej explained that she had moved to Tarweland from Ketterdam to be closer to family. Having come from the Rollins house in that terrible city made Kaz thankful that Inej was here and nowhere near there anymore.

Nina asked if she had family in Ravka as most Suli still lived there. Inej said that her grandparents had moved to Kerch, so most of her immediate family was there and not Ravka, though one of her aunts and some cousins had moved back there not too long ago.

One surprise for both Kaz and Inej came when Nina suddenly asked, [“Do you speak Suli?”] with perfect Suli grammar and accent. Inej stared at her in happy surprise and responded, [“Yes. My family made sure to never lose that part of our heritage. That, and the belief in Saints.”]

Kaz couldn’t understand a word she said, but the sound of her voice was so lyrical and soothing that he knew he could listen to it all day without complaint. He was happy that Nina had a secret talent for linguistics, though he wished he could do the same just to see that smile on Inej’s lips again.

When the bell rang, the usual groaning ensued as Jesper and Matthias raced off, and Kaz packed up his stuff and Nova’s things and harnessed Nova once more. As he stood up, he realized Inej was lingering. They locked eyes again, and she said “bye” quickly before following Nina to their next class together.

Wylan looked at Kaz, a little oblivious to what was happening in his racing mind, and Nina looked between Inej and Kaz with a look that just screamed, “Oh, I see how it is” before grinning damn near menacingly while resisting the urge to tease them.

***

Fiving and Not Thriving

1:36 pm

Nina: I am so god damn bored can we PLEASE ditch

Matthias: I will get into so much trouble so no

Jesper: omfg Matti just don’t get caught

Wylan: He’s over six feet tall, Jes. It’s a bit hard to not miss his absence.

Jesper: did you just whisper that in class?!

Wylan: No I’m in the bathroom.

Jesper: you good?

Wylan: I just had to pee. I’m going back to class.

Nina: but Wyyyyyyy

Wylan: Class Nina

Nina: UGH. Kaz??

Jesper: He’s not going to look at his phone

Nina: What a dork. Kaz I love you but please rescue me from your own sense of responsibility I CANNOT endure

Jesper: You’re a mess

Nina: I’M BORED FOR FUCKS SAKE I HATE THIS CLASS GET ME OOOUUUUUT

Matthias: Let’s just go do something after school? We haven’t for a while. It’s not too hot anymore.

Nina: Or we could go NOW

Jesper: We’re not ditching the nerds

Nina: you’re lucky I love them all

Matthias: We could go to the park? Let Nova run around if Kaz is up for it. She’s probably got all that pent up energy from sitting through too many classes.

Nina: She was SO cute at lunch omfg the balls I can’t

Jesper: Let’s see what Kaz says once he looks at his phone. I’ll text my dad and let him know that he might not need to pick us up yet

Nina: Can’t you just ask him now, Matthias? He’s sitting right next to you!

Matthias: I don’t think I can handle the look of disappointment on his face if I were to distract him from this lecture. The teacher went off on a tangent about astrophysics and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him more fascinated.

Nina: NERDS. THE LOT OF YOU.

1:55 pm

Kaz: Park?

Jesper: YES, PARK??? CAN WE GO AFTER SCHOOL???

Nina: PLEASE KAZ CAN WE TRY

Kaz: Okay. Sure.

Jesper: I’M TEXTING MY DA TO TELL HIM NOT TO PICK US UP YET OKAY IS THAT FINE MATTHIAS CAN YOU DRIVE US HOME SO I’M NOT INSUFFERABLE TO HIM

Matthias: Only insufferable to me?

Jesper: Duh

Matthias: Sigh… only because I like Colm and I don’t want him to be upset with us

Wylan: he’s going to be upset about us riding in that death trap of yours

Nina: be nice to Djelopy. Djel only provides one car per century

Kaz: Who is Djelopy?

Jesper: Djelopy is the car. Like “Djel” and “jalopy” combined HAHA. Blame Nina for that one

Kaz: And who is Djel?

Matthias: Djel is God.

Kaz: I thought that was Ghezen?

Jesper: eeeh it’s complicated. I’ll explain outside of text?

Kaz: Okay.

Kaz: Did I say something wrong?

Matthias: Not at all. My family just believes in a different God.

Kaz: Oh. Okay.

Jesper: DA SAID FINE. WE’RE GOOD TO GO FOR THE PARK

Nina: FUCK YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSLHFKASFJ D;ADKLJF;KLADSKJF ;LKADSFJ ;ADKLSFJ

Wylan: Sweet Saints what the hell was that

Nina: Sorry, Wy!!!

***

Nova was beyond thrilled to rush after her tennis balls even further than she was able to in the quad at the school. The park had vast fields for play that she zoomed through with gusto. She was off her harness as soon as they all piled into Matthias’ ancient station wagon, and seeing the park made her whine in excitement. She still waited for Kaz to make it out of the car and stuck right beside him until he planted himself on a bench and pulled her ball out.

He was perfectly content to watch her run and prance with her ball happily until she came over and flopped down next to him panting. As she caught her breath, Kaz leaned down and stroked her back and stared at her lovingly.

A shriek of laughter pulled his attention to his friends who were on the swing set. Jesper was pushing Wylan, and Matthias was pushing Nina who had nearly fallen off the swing as her butt had slipped off through the back. Inej had been invited but was unable to come which was disappointing to Kaz, but he was still happy to be there with his friends even if they were over there and he was sitting on his own. 

That looks fun. Wish I could… No. It’s fine. I don’t want to be a bother.

Jesper noticed him watching eventually and told Wylan he’d be right back. He jogged over and sat on the opposite edge of the bench to give Kaz plenty of space.

“You doing okay?”

“Yeah,” Kaz answered.

Nova got up to drink water from her bowl before coming back to sit against Kaz’s left knee. She tipped her head back to look at him as if to inquire about his lack of pets. He quietly laughed as he gave in and indulged her.

“She seems to have adjusted really fast,” said Jesper.

Kaz nodded and looked up again to watch Nina go way too high on the swing as Wylan looked on with worry.

“You doing okay over here? Honestly,” Jesper asked.

Kaz could feel Jesper’s concern. He wondered if he was really that easy to read. He genuinely was okay just to sit there with Nova. There was just that persistent, niggling feeling that reminded him of the last time he had gone to a park when he was small that he couldn’t shake. He had loved the swings and the sense of freedom and flight that came with the motion.

Could I? Maybe… It wouldn’t hurt to ask, would it? They wouldn’t mind.

“Um… Can… Can I try?” Kaz forced himself to ask while nodding toward the swing set.

Jesper looked between him and their friends and realized what he meant. He looked a bit too excited again, and Kaz couldn’t for the life of him figure out why it was so thrilling.

“Yes! Come on. Of course you can try,” he said while rising. “Hey guys! Can Kaz try?”

Nina shouted, “Sure! Let me fly off and then he can have my spot. Three more!”

“Be careful, little bird!” Matthias pleaded.

“One! Two! Three!”

Nina flew off the swing and managed to land almost gracefully before adding a “ta da” pose. Then she bowed to Jesper who clapped enthusiastically.

Suddenly unsure, Kaz stared at the empty swing and wondered if he was making a mistake. Nova nudged his hand, and he realized he was breathing a little too hard.

I’m okay. Nothing to be scared of. They don’t mind you taking a turn. You’re not a bother. And… the chains are coated in plastic. It’s not like the other ones… It’s different. I can play on this and be fine and there’s nothing wrong with doing this. I can… I can play.

With renewed determination, he placed his cane against one of the poles on the swing set, positioned himself in front of the swing with his hands on the chains, and clumsily lifted himself up. He felt weightless as his feet dangled over the ground His hips were a little uncomfortable, but it wasn’t enough to make him regret his decision.

Nova watched him as he adjusted himself and giggled.

“What do I do now?” Kaz asked. “I can’t remember.”

“Push yourself with your left leg if you can reach the ground. Kick back and kind of launch yourself forward and back with it until you can kick without touching the ground. If you can swing your right leg, too, that will help,” Wylan explained. “You’ll gain momentum like we talked about in physics this week.”

Kaz did as instructed, and while it was awkward at first, he managed to get a decent momentum just as Wylan said he would. He laughed again, and he reveled in that familiar feeling of weightless freedom and the pull toward the sky.

“Try leaning back!” Nina said.

“Careful you don’t fall, Kaz!” Jesper added.

Very carefully and slowly, Kaz let himself lean back and see nothing but the vast sky above him come closer again and again as if he were a bird in flight like he always wanted to be. He’d fly up and come back to the people who anchored him to the earth while being allowed to fly up once again. Over and over again he could touch the sky and feel the sunlight on his face.

When his arms tired, he pulled himself up while asking how he was supposed to stop. Jesper explained what to do while Wylan showed him. As he came to a stop, Kaz’s arms were shaking with fatigue, but he felt beyond thrilled to have been brave enough to try.

“Anything else you want to do?” Jesper encouraged.

Kaz looked around, and he soon found his next target.

“The slide?”

“Sure!”

They all watched as Kaz made his way up the more accessible steps of the jungle gym while holding onto the railings and Nova’s fur as she seemed insistent on accompanying him. He was tired, but he wasn’t going to let it stop him. There was just one more obstacle to the slide, and it was a small ladder section that he was able to navigate quickly enough despite his jello arms.

Once sat down, he caught his breath and then pushed himself over. It was faster than he anticipated, but the drop in his stomach as he flew down was only exciting and not scary. It was just like when he was little.

Unable to stop himself from laughing again, he shoved himself to his feet after being picking up his cane that they'd placed in front of him, though he nearly dropped it. His friends were amused with how entertained he was, especially now that they were seeing him be so much more open and expressive. They all knew it was Nova contributing to his feeling secure enough to do so.

They all thought Nova would come down the stairs, but she instead leapt up to the top of the slide. She whined and looked down at Kaz who was suddenly worried.

“Jes?” he said as an attempt to ask for help.

Before anyone could react, Nova crouched down and slid down all on her own. Kaz dropped his cane and went to catch her, but she leapt off the edge and pranced around proudly. They all laughed at her.

“You’re such a silly girl!” Jesper said in baby talk.

Again, to their surprise, Nova ran back up the stairs and leapt to the top again just to slide down once more. All of them, meanwhile, filmed her antics and laughed all the while. She did it one more time before her sudden satisfaction and return to Kaz’s side as he kept giggling. He now had his first video of Nova on his phone, and he was proud of himself for remembering how to do it.

The rest of the afternoon at the park was spent taking photos of her and his friends while finding that he quite liked doing it. He had enjoyed it the first time he took pictures of Colm and Jesper, and now he had more moments to treasure and look back on. He had more pieces of his life to keep with him, and they weren’t going to be taken from him this time.

While Kaz didn’t exactly believe in luck, he was profoundly grateful for what seemed to be the greatest bout of luck he’d ever had in his life after everything he’d been through. For the first time in years, he felt that he had a chance at being okay.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 40

When Kaz walked into his appointment, Genya saw that his face was far more relaxed than she’d ever seen it. There was a hint of what she might deem to be excitement shown in the more upbeat rhythm of his steps. The reason for it all was clear when her eyes were drawn toward the attentive black dog beside him.

“Hello, Kaz,” she greeted cheerily.

“Hi,” he said while dropping his backpack beside his chair. “Do you want to meet her?”

She couldn’t overlook the slight twinkle in his eye, and there was no way she’d ever get away with saying “no” to meeting his dog. Not that she wanted to.

“Of course!”

Kaz took her harness off and said a soft “go ahead” to her. Nova immediately walked over to receive her well-deserved pets as she met Genya.

“Oh my, hello you pretty thing,” she crooned.

When she looked up, she noticed that Kaz went still. Something in his eyes had gone vacant until she spoke again.

“Her name is Nova?”

Kaz’s attention snapped to her eyes, and he nodded.

“Such a pretty name for a pretty dog. She must be as clever as you, too.”

Kaz perked up then. She could see that he liked being complimented for his mind and he seemed to feel the same about Nova. He called her over again to put the harness back and said, “Yeah. Pretty and so smart.”

I don’t think he likes being called pretty himself even if he might use the word to reference others. Good to note. I think the way I said it earlier triggered something in him. I wasn’t explicit enough.

“My friends like her, too,” he added with a touch of a smile.

“That’s good to hear.”

“We went to a park with her yesterday after school.”

Impressed by how much information he was offering up already, she nodded and said, “That sounds like fun!”

“Yeah, she chased her ball when the others played on the swings.”

“Did you play with them at all? On the swings or the jungle gym?” she asked with the hope that he had joined them somehow.

“I tried the swings. I liked it.”

“Yeah? Didn’t hurt your leg at all?”

“No. My hips weren’t very comfortable, but it was fine. They helped me figure out how to use one again. I felt like I was flying. I even got to go on the slide. I was careful when I climbed. Don’t tell Colm, though,” he added with a touch of worry.

“He doesn’t want you climbing?”

“I climbed up into the barn loft once. I was just curious. I think I made him nervous.”

“Did you climbing make Nova nervous yesterday?” she asked to try being cheeky with him.

He grinned and said, “No. She went down the slide, too. Look…”

Genya leaned forward to see the video he had of the energetic dog flying up the jungle gym and down the slide. When the video ended, he looked down at Nova with pride, and she looked up at him with her tongue out and a relaxed face.

He’s smiling. Oh, sweet Saints, he’s actually smiling right now.

“She really makes you happy, huh?” Genya asked while leaning her chin on her hand.

Kaz nodded and scratched Nova’s head.

“How is she doing at school with you?”

“Good. The teachers are nice to her. Everyone knows to leave her alone.”

“I’m very happy to know that you’re being accommodated for now. It seems like Colm will make sure the school sticks to it. Sometimes it can be hard for people to have their diagnoses respected.”

“Diagnoses?” Kaz asked, clearly confused.

“It’s the identification of an ailment or condition or disability someone might have. Has anyone ever talked with you about yours?”

“Like my leg?” he asked nervously while putting his hand protectively over his thigh.

“Sure, but what about your mind? Your mental health.”

“A little, I think.”

“Would you like me talk to you about yours?”

Kaz nodded his head quickly. Genya could see how curious he was, and she hoped it remained that way. This conversation was likely to transition into something more difficult, but that’s why they were there. She hoped Nova would be helpful in keeping him grounded and calm enough to try.

“Alright. You have what’s called PTSD or post traumatic stress disorder. It’s a result of all the trauma you went through before you came to live with Colm and Jesper.”

“Oh. What… what does it mean? Colm said I have PTSD. It’s why he got Nova for me.”

Nodding, Genya clasped her hands in her lap and explained, “It means that what happened to you hurt not only your body but your mind, too. It’s like a wound in a way that hasn’t healed. Wounds of the mind don’t heal in quite the same way flesh and bone do.”

“My leg never healed,” Kaz said with bitter sadness.

“No, I suppose not. Not how it should have had it been properly cared for. Regarding your mind, that’s why we’re here. We want to help you and give your mind the proper care that it needs. That’s my job.”

He pondered that and said, “To set it. Like a bone?”

“In a way.”

Kaz shifted uncomfortably, and Nova looked up at him again. He pet her before she could start nudging him. It seemed that a simple look from her was enough to tell him that he was getting stressed and that he should take some steps to calm himself.

“What does PTSD do to me?”

This is good. He’s still asking questions.

“It causes hyperarousal…”

He interrupted quickly while looking apologetic. “What does that mean?”

“Overly sensitive. You’re constantly on edge and looking for threats, it makes you anxious, can give you panic attacks or extreme anxiety when you experience something that triggers a memory or flashback, and it might cause unwanted thoughts.”

After a beat, Kaz asked, “Nightmares?”

“Yes, as well as difficulty sleeping or concentrating. It can make one feel ashamed or guilty even when there is no reason to feel such things. It makes one want to avoid anything that reminds them of the bad things.”

Realization slowly seeped into Kaz’s eyes, and all he could utter was a quiet “oh”.

“It’s also likely why you can’t allow anyone near you for you to touch or be touched anymore.”

“Haphephobia?” he asked, a bit unsure as to whether or not he was using the right word.

“That’s right.”

“I remember someone telling Nadia I had that when I was in the hospital. They wanted to put me in a different hospital, but she wouldn’t let them. She said I would get worse. I’m glad they listened. I don’t like hospitals.”

He fell silent for a while and focused on petting Nova. Genya allowed him the time to process his thoughts and initiate the next part of the conversation. She just wasn’t expecting what he was going to say.

“How broken am I?”

Pushing aside the grief of hearing a child ask that, she went about her approach with honesty.

“I won’t sugarcoat it or be dishonest with you. You’re hurt, and it will take time to work through everything.”

“Is that why you always want me to talk about things I’d rather forget?” he asked without his usual bite when the subject came up. “Colm wants me to talk about those things with you, too.”

“It’s the way forward to healing.”

Kaz shook his head and sat back.

“Talking about it is hard. It’s… I don’t want to remember any of it. I don’t want to relive it.”

Nova nudged his knees, and he reached his hand down over the chair for her to sit beneath it so he could scratch her ears. He started twisting his cane with his other hand as he usually did when he felt uncomfortable or worried.

“Healing is hard by nature. Avoiding facing the things that happened to you may make everything worse, Kaz.”

“How?”

“It festers like an infected wound. You don’t really process what happened, and the thoughts and nightmares never ease up. I know that facing these things means you need to relive them in a way, but… don’t you do that when you have nightmares? When something happens that reminds you of the bad things that happened to you?”

“… and talking about it will help?” he asked, doubt dripping from his words. “The nightmares will stop?”

“I believe we can get them to lessen in frequency and learn healthy coping skills for all of your symptoms. I can help you come to terms with the terribly unfair things that happened in a way that allows you to live more freely. I can help you understand the differences between then and now. Doing all of this can help you live your life…”

Frustrated, Kaz interrupted. “But I am living. I’m better, right?”

“Sure. It’s just that there are limitations if you don’t allow yourself to put in the work. Little by little. It’s a long road. Things are good now. You’ve made incredible progress already. What happens when you hit another snag, though? I want you to have the tools you need to face those obstacles with less fear. Less pain.”

Kaz was silent again, and he watched Nova and matched his breathing with hers.

“How do you feel now that Nova can help you?”

He shrugged and then said, “Not alone.”

“That’s important. Even before her, you weren’t alone. You have help, and you have friends now.”

“I know,” he said with a tighter twist of his cane that made the leather of his gloves squeak.

Genya Kostyk, you nearly forgot!

“Oh, I have something that I think you might like. Can I go to my desk and get them?”

He eyed her for a moment, then nodded.

She stood and moved to grab the basket on her desk that had several colorful objects in it. She placed it on the floor slowly so Kaz could lean forward and pick it up.

“I got these for the office. You can play with these while you’re here if you’d like. They’re fidget toys.”

Kaz furrowed his brows and picked through them with bewilderment as to what was he was looking at.

“What do they do?” he asked.

“I noticed that you twist your cane a lot when you’re thinking or stressed. These toys help some people focus. They are specially made to play with for redirecting focus or expending nervous energy.”

He picked up a Rubik’s Cube and looked at the different colored blocks. Moving them and solving the puzzle required the twisting motion that he seemed to like.

“You can play with those or pet Nova or both. Whichever you like. If you talk to me about all of those difficult things, these toys and Nova could offer you some comfort while you do it.”

After some though, Kaz said, “I’ll try. Talking more, I mean. A little. Just… Not today. Today is a good day and I don’t… I don’t want to spoil it. Please?”

“Alright, on one condition: Next week, I want you to come with another part of your list filled out even if it’s a temporary entry. Then, I want you to try and talk about something.”

“About what?”

“Think about it. I’ll let you decide, but I want you to try and address one of the things that you’d rather forget. We don’t have to go into details, but we should start with some basics. Deal?”

She could tell that he was annoyed by the way he worked his jaw and furrowed his brows. He continued to mess with the cube, however, until he suddenly had one side solved.

“Fine. The deal is the deal.”

“The deal is the deal.”

***

Everything felt quiet and settled as Colm lounged on the porch swing with a glass of tea. Kaz and Jesper were playing in the front yard with Nova and her beloved tennis balls again. Jesper could throw further than Kaz, and he teased him about it a little which made Kaz giggle. Kaz tried to throw it harder and nearly threw himself off balance. Colm’s breath caught.

“Oh, shit!” Jesper squeaked.

Kaz stopped himself from falling with his cane and laughed before saying, “Oops.”

“And I’m the clumsy one?” Jesper joked while Colm breathed in relief.

“At least I caught myself.”

“Well, you certainly won’t be joining the ballet any time soon.”

Kaz snorted at that, and Jesper broke into a giggle fit and threw the ball one more time. Nova zoomed after it, and a smile settled onto Kaz like it was the most natural thing in the world.

When the sun went down further, Colm called them all inside to eat dinner that he’d had cooking in a crock pot all day. Nova gobbled her own dinner down and laid at Kaz’s feet while they ate. Colm watched on with warmth in his heart as his boys told him about their day at school, and he silently thanked the Saints and Aditi for her constant inspiration.

That warmth remained when they gathered in the living room to watch a short movie before bed. Kaz curled up in the recliner while Nova snuggled with her bear stuffy on the bed next to him. Kaz slipped her a few pieces of popcorn, and Colm stifled a chuckle as he noticed. Jesper, entranced by the ridiculous film, managed to make a few jokes that drew a soft laugh from Kaz.

This is how it should be.

Toward the end of the night, Kaz had already fallen asleep in the chair, and Nova snoozed beside him. Jesper had almost fallen asleep until his phone dinged. He lazily checked it before springing up to rub his eyes. Kaz stirred and grumbled at the sound of Jesper’s popcorn bowl slipping off his lap onto the coffee table in his haste.

“Sorry…” Jesper muttered as he caught and stilled the bowl.  

“Everything okay, mo leabh?” Colm asked.

Jesper said, “Hmm?”

Colm looked at him intensely, and Jesper realized he’d been asked a question. A few moments later, the words registered.

“Oh. Oh, yeah. I’m fine. I’m just tired and Wylan texted me. He reminded me about an assignment we have to do tomorrow in class and to make sure I have my notes in my backpack. I’m going to go do that now and head to bed.”

Colm eyed him, but he said, “Alright. Good night.”

“Night.”

Kaz grumbled again as Jesper zoomed up to his room, and he pushed himself upright in the chair while rubbing his face. He mumbled something as he stood, back bent as if he was an eighty-year-old man leaning on his cane. He walked toward the door, and Colm realized he was trying to take Nova out.

“Kaz, go up to bed. I’ll take care of Nova and bring her to you.”

“Sure?” he asked, barely audible.

“Yep. Go on. You’re about to fall over.”

“… ‘k.”

After Nova did her business, she climbed the stairs and slipped through Kaz’s cracked open door. Colm followed her up and peeked inside. Kaz had collapsed on top of his bed without bothering to change into his sleeping clothes. One of his blankets was askew, and with incredible care, Colm tiptoed forward and pulled the blanket over his curled-up body and immediately backed away across the room. Kaz didn’t react, and Nova jumped up to take a spot on the end of his bed. He only grumbled once and then burrowed further under the blanket. 

“Good night,” Colm whispered, and he closed the door, relishing the peace just on the other side.

May this blessed peace last.

***

One Flute, Two Mouths

9:47 pm

Wylan: He’s doing it again

Jesper: Are you safe?

Wylan: I don’t know. I’m hiding in the bathroom

Jesper: where is your mom?

Wylan: Downstairs. He’s yelling so loud. I tried to intervene, but he pushed me into the wall. She told me to leave.

Jesper: I fucking hate him

Wylan: My back hurts and I don’t know what to do.

Jesper: let me help? Let me tell my da

Wylan: No! It will make it worse.

Jesper: It’s already getting worse

Wylan: I can’t, Jes. It’s bad enough when my aunt gets involved.

Jesper: you can’t live like this.

9:55 pm

Jesper: Wy? Sweetheart, where are you?

10:03 pm

Jesper: You’re scaring me. What’s going on? If you won’t let me tell my da then I’ll just run my ass over there myself I’m not even kidding.

10:20 pm

Wylan: Sorry

Jesper: Thank the Saints, what happened? I’m already halfway down my driveway

Wylan: Go back. I’m fine

Jesper: Wylan

Wylan: He’s gone now.

Jesper: What happened?

Wylan: Are you going back?

Jesper: Yes. Just give me a minute to climb back up through my window

Jesper: Tell me what happened

Wylan: He found me

Jesper: And?

Wylan: And I was reminded once again how fucking useless I am

Jesper: Did he hurt you again?

Wylan: I’m fine, Jes

Jesper: That’s not what I asked. Did you hurt you?

Wylan: If he hears me talk again, it’s going to get worse.

Jesper: Put your headphones in!

Wylan: I can’t respond anymore.

Jesper: For fucks sake

Jesper: Just send me a smile emoji for yes and a frown for no. Are you safe?

Wylan: 😊

Jesper: Are you coming to school tomorrow?

Wylan: 😊

Jesper: Is your mom okay?

Wylan: ☹️

Jesper: Did he hurt her

Jesper: Wylan, did your shitty excuse of a father hurt her?

Wylan:  😊

Jesper: Did he hurt you? Don’t make me ask a third time

Wylan: 😊😊😊

Jesper: We need to figure this out, love. We have to. You can’t keep living like this

Jesper: Promise me we’ll talk about it

Wylan: ☹️

Jesper: Please, Wylan. Let me help. You can’t just call me or text me for help and not let me give it to you.

Jesper: Wy?

Jesper: Please talk to me. Something.

Jesper: I’m sorry. I just want to help you. I’m here for you. I love you.

12:05 am

Wylan: I love you

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 41

With a deep sigh and a half-hearted attempt to dig up the dredges of her willpower, Nina walked in the front door of her foster house. She never called it a “home”, because how could she? It never had been as she was just an abandoned pup from Ravka dumped on a random doorstep when the family who bought her grew bored of playing parent to a child sold into adoption. 

Hope you’re comfortable praying to your Saints, Mother. Did they watch when you sold me? Thanks for that. May your communion wine taste like cough syrup and acid.  

Squabbling boys wrestled each other in the hallway while taking no care to not knock Nina into the wall. There were no apologies for her now smarting elbow, no acknowledgement that she was even there. There wasn’t even a glance from either given when the impact made a few ancient, mismatched decorations rattle on the wall that could have fallen. Why would they bother to when it would be her taking the blame for it?

“Would you two fucking stop?” she shouted.

“Hey! Language!”

Nina rolled her eyes. The voice that had sullied the air with those words came from the owner of the house and receiver of state funds to care for all the sorry, mangy puppies beneath her roof. Nina walked by the living room to see her parked in front of the TV, empty chip bags on the floor beside her and on the coffee table scattered among empty soda cans. Nina fantasized about ripping one of the cans in half and sliding it across the woman’s throat.

I see violence is not far off the table today.

Nina hadn’t eaten since lunch that afternoon, and she was already starving. She narrowly avoided another teenage boy flying out of the kitchen and up the stairs with his arms holding something that she couldn’t make out. Ignoring it, she went to the fridge and found only half used expired condiments, a container holding something that might have once been left over Hamburger Helper, and a carton of milk that likely counted as cheese at that point.

Gross. I’m not that desperate.  

The cupboards were just as disappointing if not more. They were empty save for a few old bottles of garlic salt and paprika. Nina groaned, and then thought about the boy who ran up the stairs.

He didn’t. Are you fucking serious?!

“That little shit…”

She stormed up the stairs and pounded on his bedroom door.

“Andre! Give me the damn food!”

“What food?!” he answered through the door with an audible, mocking sneer.

“You know what I’m talking about. Share it!”

“There’s nothing in here for you, Nina!”

“I swear I will use my giant ass to break this door down and show you just how much is in there for me!”

“Hey! Keep all that fucking noise down!” the house owner screamed.

“When are you going to go shopping?!” Nina shouted down the stairs.

“Whenever I damn well feel like it. You don’t like it, go yourself.”

“Will you give me the money for it?” Nina asked knowing how stupid the question was.

“Ha! So you can steal it from me? Not a chance. Just go to your damn room and shut your trap. Do not make me come up there!”

Frustrated, Nina stomped to her room and nearly shut the door when a hand stopped it from closing all the way. She looked up, and her stomach dropped.

“I can share some of mine with you,” a boy of seventeen said through oily words and a lecherous gaze. “You know what I want in return.”

“No thank you, Vlad. I’m not partial to cocktail weenies,” she said with a pointed glance down at his crotch. “Now, remove your hand from my door before you lose your fingers and I have to clean up after you.

He complied, but he had murder in his eyes. She slammed the door shut and locked it and stuck a chair beneath the knob as extra protection. A feeling of defeat crept into her, but she banished it with a quick and forceful toss of her backpack down beside her desk before she flopped onto her bed.

Her other foster brothers were greedy, selfish idiots, but none of them were like Vlad. The last thing she wanted was to be anywhere near him, especially alone. There was nothing stopping him from dropping the propositions and going straight to actions that he felt he deserved to take.

Pulling her phone out, she had to pause before she threw that in a rush of rage.

Fjerdan Slab

4:30 pm

Nina: Hi                                                                                                                                                     

Matthias: hello, little bird

Nina: What are you doing right now?

Matthias: getting ready for a prayer group with my family

Her stomach growled, and disappointment rushed in.

Nina: How fun. Don’t pray too hard or you’ll pull a muscle

Matthias: very funny

4:41 pm

Matthias: Did you need something?

Nina: No

Matthias: Nina

Nina: Matthias

Matthias: What happened

Nina: Vlad happened

Ugh why did I tell him. He’s just going to be worried.

Matthias: Did he touch you?

Nina: No. Just tried to bribe me with food.

Matthias: Seriously? I’m coming over.

Nina: Don’t. It will only cause more problems.

Matthias: Nina, you need to eat something.

Nina: It’s not the first time the house was empty, and it won’t be the last.

Matthias: It’s not empty. They’re hoarding it and not sharing with you. What the fuck is wrong with them?

Nina: Foster care is survival of the fittest

Matthias: that’s not how it is with Jesper and Kaz

Nina: No, and they’re lucky. Well, Kaz is lucky now but he sure as hell wasn’t lucky before, was he? I bet he gets it.

Nina: Sorry, I don’t mean to sound like a bitch

Matthias: You don’t, and don’t say that about yourself. You’re allowed to be mad

Nina: Thanks. Anway, go have fun with your family. (Please imagine me rolling my eyes SO HARD right now). Tell your darling sister I said hi, and then ask Djel to give me a better house dictator

Inej

4:44 pm

Nina: hello, gorgeous. Did you still want to work on that history assignment together tonight or nah?

Inej: Sure! Can we start around 6:30?

Nina: Yeah, that works.

Inej: Cool

Inej: Can I ask you something?

Nina: Sure

Inej: Are you sure it’s okay that I sit with you during lunch? I don’t want to be an intrusion into your friend group

Nina: We love having you! You’re really cool. I’m not just saying that. You can sit with us every day and you don’t even have to wear pink on Wednesdays.

Inej: haha I’m honored

Nina: Besides, you can’t break Nova’s heart now. She’d miss you

And so would Kaz, Nina thought with a smirk.

Inej: She is so cute.

Nina: SERIOUSLY. Might even be cuter than Matthias’ dog. Don’t tell him I said that

Inej: I won’t haha

Nina: Girls need to stick together in this economy

Inej: amen

Too bad the only “girl” here in this house is a fucking witch who deserves to be dunked in a pond a few dozen times and then left to float face down. You can afford to buy all those chips and your lotto scratch-offs, but Saints forbid I ask for more lunch money that I’m owed. Or, and here’s a novel idea: maybe you should keep the house stocked with fucking food.

A tapping sounded outside of Nina’s window a few times. She placed her phone down and looked outside to see Matthias slightly obscured by a tree. He’s been throwing pebbles up to her window. She shoved it open and said, “What the hell are you doing here?!” in a whisper yell.

“I’m being romantic. Here!”

He came out from behind the tree and carefully tossed up a brown bag with a rubber band around it to keep the contents from flying out. Nina caught it and the scent hit her like a freight train.

“Matthias Benedik Helvar!” she hissed. “How did you get this so fast?!”

“Get ready!”

He tossed up a large bottle of water next and also a soda which she nearly dropped. That got them both to laugh. Nina even snorted loudly and had to cover her mouth to keep from laughing harder.

“Djel couldn’t deliver a new house dictator, but I got you different ‘tators’.”

“The dirty joke I want to attach to the rest of that pun you just made…”

“Nina Zenik, behave yourself.”

“I will not!” she said while opening the bag and seeing the giant box of fries and two burgers.

“Can I marry you now?” she asked earnestly.

“Not yet, little bird.”

They heard the front door open.

“Shit, go, go!” she urged with a frantic wave of her hands.

Matthias blew her a kiss and made a run for it down the street while she shut her window and sat in silence for a few minutes. When she was sure nobody was going to come break her door in, she devoured her food with relish and thanked whatever or whoever was responsible for bringing her to that wonderful Fjerdan boy who worked the best form of magic she’d ever known: compassion.

***

“Meja, who are you chatting with?”

Inej looked up from her phone after typing “amen” to Nina to see her mother’s curious gaze.

“My friend Nina. We are working on a history assignment together tonight after dinner. Just confirming the time.”

“Good girl. I like to see you so diligent.”

“Mama, please don’t call me that.”

Inej’s mother saw the haunted look that flashed over Inej’s eyes, and she immediately felt her stomach sink.

“I’m so sorry, meja.”

“It’s alright. Is there anything I can do to help with dinner?” Inej asked to change the subject.

“Of course. Here, come help me chop these onions.”

“Sure, Mama,” she said while standing up from the table.

Inej checked her phone once more before tucking it back into her pocket. As she did so, her father walked through the door and gave her a look, brows furrowed and eyes darkened.

“Who were you talking to?”

His words were accusatory, unlike the curiosity that had been present with her mother. Inej glared at him and said, “A friend”.

“What’s this friend’s name?”

“Her friend’s name is Nina,” Inej’s mother said with little patience. She’d already accidentally upset her, and she wasn’t about to allow her father to do the same thing no matter how innocent his intentions might be.

“Nina is a girl?”

“Yes, Papa!” Inej snapped.

Her father raised his hands as if shocked by her attitude, but before he could say anything, her mother turned to him.

“Hari, take the trash out.”

“Binsa, I…”

“Take the trash out.”

He accepted that he better listen unless he was hellbent on having a terrible evening. Inej was thankful that he had decided on the wiser route. Any time her mother brought out that voice, her father wised up pretty damn quick.

While he gathered up the trash bag to take outside, Inej took her spot at the cutting board and grabbed a knife. Without a word, she started slicing through the onions until he was gone.

“Thank you,” Inej whispered.

“He’s just worried. He can’t help it.”

“You worry, too, but you’re not insufferable. I have friends who are boys, now, too. I’m not going to never talk to them again. They’re not all like that. They’re not grown men who… They’re not all like that.”

Jesper, Wylan, and Matthias are so nice to me. And Kaz… He’s quiet, but he’s harmless. And he’s…

“I know, meja. Just give it some time.”

Irritation washed away the flush of her cheeks, Inej snapped again and said, “I’m the one it happened to. Not him. He doesn’t get to dictate what I do or how I deal with it or…”

“Inej, my daughter,” Binsa said while turning and holding Inej’s shoulders lightly. “He was hurt. We both were. We all have to… We have to face this in ways that will heal us. He’s not doing it in the best way right now, but he was hurt.”

“No, you weren’t. You weren’t the ones who had to live through it.”

“I know. You are right, but he blames himself because…”

“It’s not his fault.” Inej pulled away. “I’m the one who didn’t say anything. I brought it on myself.”

Binsa vigorously shook her head in denial while saying, “You can’t say that. It is not your fault at all.”

Inej turned back and picked the knife up again but paused, blade suspended above the cutting board. “Can I please… Can I just cut the rest of these onions?”

Binsa, not wanting to let it go but knowing that Inej had met her limit, nodded and said, “Alright, meja. Alright.”

They worked in silence.

***

“I’m still hungry,” Nina groaned.

Kaz noticed the look of worry on Matthias’ face when Nina complained, but nobody else seemed to take it to heart.

“Let me get you something else?” Matthias said quietly.

“No, you’ve done enough. Sorry, I’m just whiny today.”

“We could just go raid the cafeteria again. I brought stuff from home so I can just use my daily allotment for you.”

Nina grumbled with her head down on the table. Kaz wondered if she didn’t sleep very well the night before. He wished he had brought candy with him today as it always cheered Nina up.

“Maybe you should head home?” Inej suggested after looking up from her math book. “You look like you don’t feel well.”

“I’d feel worse at home. I choose this prison over that place.”

Inej looked at her sympathetically, and she and Kaz shared a glance for just a moment before he looked away toward Nova. She was stretched out in the sunlight after having run around with Wylan for a while who was quieter than he usually was.

I’m glad Nova likes Wylan so much. He seems to really like her, too. He looks a little sad today. He said he was okay this morning, but I don’t know. Jesper keeps watching him like he’s worried. Maybe I can ask him later.

“Wait, this is Wednesday?!” Jesper said out of nowhere.

“Yes?” Wylan said.

“Fuck! I forgot I had to go meet Anika in the library to talk about a project we’re doing. I need to go before she skins me alive. I’m shocked she hasn’t yet. Bye!”

He stood up rapidly and nearly sprinted, but he quickly went to Wylan and asked, “You good?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Go on, I don’t want you to lose your skin.”

Jesper kissed his cheek and then ran off in a panic that left Wylan giggling and sighing in exasperation afterwards. Wylan then looked at his watch and said, “I’m going to go to the bathroom now before the bell rings. I’ll be back to walk with you to class, Kaz.”

“Okay,” Kaz whispered.

Kaz didn’t really need anyone else to walk with him to class now that he had Nova, but he liked that his friends still offered. It felt better knowing that he had so many looking out for him. They seemed reluctant to leave him entirely on his own even with Nova just in case something else happened. They needed someone with a voice to vouch for him and fight back if need be.

“Little bird, let’s go get you something else to eat really quick. I don’t want you going hungry again,” Matthias urged.

“I feel bad,” Nina groaned.

“Don’t. Let’s go? Kaz has Inej here and Nova, so it’s okay. Yeah?” he reasoned quietly so Kaz could barely hear him.

“Do you mind guys?” Nina asked.

“Not at all. Go ahead,” Inej said before looking back at her math book again and scribbling over something she had written.

Nina looked at Kaz who nodded to show that he was okay for them to go. His heart was suddenly pounding like a bass drum in a metal band which made Nova take notice, but he quickly pet her to calm both himself and her. He didn’t want anyone to realize he was suddenly extremely nervous at the prospect of being left alone with Inej.

I’m sure it’s fine. She’s just going to do her work, and I can focus on Nova. I’ll be fine. I’ll be…

Matthias and Nina had made their way to the cafeteria, and Kaz’s eyes settled on Inej who, as predicted, continued to concentrate on her work. She rested her head in her hand as she leaned on the table and read the same page over and over again. The little furrow in her brows drew his attention, and he watched it deepen as she became more quietly frustrated.

She flipped the page, and the bangles on her wrist made a soft tinkling noise that was pleasant to the ears. They made the same noise when she tossed her braid over her shoulder to her back and again when she leaned onto her hand.

His eyes scoured her when they weren’t on Nova. She wore the same chain earring with the moon as before, but today she wore a loose sweater of a deep violet color that made her bronze skin glow beautifully in contrast. Her impossibly brown, glittery eyes were lined with black eyeliner, and he knew he could get drunk from the sight of them if he wasn’t careful.

Inej broke him out of his trance when she sighed in frustration and scratched another section off of her paper beside her book. Kaz took a closer to look to see what she was doing, and he saw numbers. She was doing math.

Before he could even think, his tongue ran away from him to speak in his stead.

“I can help you.”

He was surprised at himself, and he hoped that she wouldn’t think too negatively about the state of his gravely, raspy voice. Instead, she looked at him with her own surprise while considering his offer. She accepted.

Kaz had an idea about where she had gone wrong based on the little bit left on the paper, and he asked to borrow a pencil. She placed one in the center of the table for him to grab. Realizing she had picked up on how his friends gave him things without directly handing them over, he felt himself blush. He shook it off and pulled everything to him to get a better look.

After studying the paper and trying not to look redder than a tomato, he figured out exactly where her errors were. He wrote out a model of the problem and explained it to her step by step. She shrank down into herself the more he explained which confused him until she confessed to still not understanding. All he did was think of two more ways to explain until he saw the lightbulb go off in her eyes.

She took the paper back and said, “I’m sorry, I feel dumb. I’m much better with literature than I am numbers.”

She likes to read…

“You’re not dumb. We all have different strengths.”

Those words made her smile, and if he didn’t know any better, Kaz was sure that his heart was about to leap out of his chest and fly directly into the sun. Then the bell rang, and his heart collapsed in disappointment. However, Inej brought it right back to life with her next request.

“Um, can you help me again tomorrow? I have a test coming up next week and I cannot understand why I thought it would be a good idea to take Algebra II.”

“Sure.”

His stomach was in knots and his heart was thundering again. Nova’s snout was on his leg, and he looked down at her and smiled while giving her a head pat.

I’m okay, Nova. I’m just… I think I’m going to throw up.

Kaz wasn’t unhappy. He was just so incredibly nervous and didn’t know what to do with the emotions swirling inside of him.

“Did you want me to walk with you to class?” she offered, but then a shout came from behind them.

“I’m sorry! I’m here, I’m here.”

Wylan came running up to them, panting and out of breath.

“Are you okay?” Kaz asked, more worried than he had been earlier.

“Yeah, sorry. Just took a bit longer than I thought. Ready to go?”

Inej looked at him and whispered, “Maybe next time.”

Kaz smiled and nodded, Wylan oblivious all the while as he finished packing his things.

Next time.

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 42

On Saturday night, Kaz found himself restless. He tried to distract himself with the following week’s homework so he could stay ahead of things in case he ended up having a bad day and needed to stay home. He didn’t like falling behind.

Unfortunately for him, the distraction hardly worked. He wanted to keep his mind busy seeing as his thoughts were still plagued by memories of Inej’s smile. He’d earned it again on Friday during lunch when he’d helped her with math just as he had promised. Before that, she flashed him the same smile when she arrived at their Kerch class and each time she had to get up to get something from or give something to Faber. Every one of those smiles made his brain short circuit further. By the time lunch rolled around, he was impressed that he’d been able to concentrate enough to teach her any math at all.

She has the prettiest smile. I could stare at it all day. Something about it makes me feel… safe. Something… else? Good fucking god, what is wrong with me?

Resting his head on his fist, he abandoned his work and watched Nova who was sleeping soundly on her bed. Kaz didn’t want to wake her up, but he did want to go for a walk. It was dark outside, but he wouldn’t stray too far. He needed some fresh air and to do something to burn off excess energy as studying any longer was not going to happen.

Before making any decisions, he took stock of his body and how it felt and had been feeling over the past couple of days. His wrists no longer hurt him at all, and he was able to stay awake for most of the day now without needing to take naps as soon as he got home from school. The pain in his leg hadn’t been too bad during the day, and he didn’t feel the need to skip another day to stay home in bed. It meant he was able to see Inej again.

I am being ridiculous.

His newfound energy wasn’t just because he looked forward to seeing Inej and getting to know her, though Jesper and Nina might jokingly argue that her presence was putting a skip in his limp. There was that and the fact that all of them had noticed a marked improvement in his overall mood and energy level since getting Nova.

Kaz doted on her every day. His phone was already full of pictures and videos of her antics. He had two favorites. One photo was from when she was in a play bow with her ball between her front paws while she looked up with her tongue flopped out of the side of her mouth. The other photo was of her holding her bear in her mouth. It made her head look so small in comparison. That one earned a spot as his background picture for his phone.

Maybe if I’m quiet, she’ll stay asleep? I really don’t want to bother her. She’s so cute, and she does so much for me. She deserves the rest.

With great caution and mental demands at his leg to continue cooperating, he stood up from his chair without a sound and pulled on an extra sweater to protect himself from the chill outside. He even managed to get out the door and down the hallway without Jesper noticing him through his cracked door.

I’m getting better at stealth again. Good.

There was a thrill to being able to move around without detection, and it was even more so because of how difficult it actually was. His leg was never without pain, and though it hadn’t been as bad for the last couple days, he had to grit his teeth through every motion until he was outside.

He wasn’t sneaking around for any particular reason anymore since he avoided waking Nova. It was more because it was fun than anything else. When he was little, it was a game to play with Jordie. They were secret assassins or ninjas prowling around the house taking out targets like they saw in cartoons. When he was with Rollins, it was a necessity to survival. Now, it felt like a mixture of learning how to use his body again and play.

The night air was cold as expected, and that coolness broke through the fabric of his pants to remind him that sneaking around wasn’t going to be an option once he was back inside. The cold never failed to make him ache more than he felt necessary, but he was determined to deal with it and get used to it. For now, he’d enjoy his walk through the moonlit grounds.

I’ll go to the barn and back. That’s not too far.

Thinking such a thought and doing it were entirely different things, however, He couldn’t help but remember the empty loft with the extra ladder that led to the roof.

I know that Colm is in bed right now. Maybe he’s asleep? His light was on, but I don’t know. He doesn’t know I’m here. He won’t get mad at me or worried if he doesn’t know. What if he wakes up later and goes to check on me and I scare him by not being there? I should text Jesper just to let him know.

KazPer

9:42 pm

Kaz: I’m in the barn

Jesper: …. While I appreciate this groundbreaking announcement, I’m failing to see why the FUCK you’re in the barn so late?

Kaz: I got bored

Jesper: KAZLINGTON??? WHAT IS EXCITING ABOUT A BARN AT NIGHT. BE CAREFUL OF SPIDERS OMFG DUDE

Kaz: I have a flashlight on my phone. I’m fine.

Jesper: …. You have a flashlight. 

Kaz: Going to check out the ladders

Jesper: ffs KAAAAAZ

Jesper: Can you not

Jesper: Kaz I swear to Ghezen and the Saints you better not fall.

9:50 pm

Jesper: KAZLINGTON PORTIA RIETVELDIAN STARCHMAN OF TARWELAND IV, WILL YOU PLEASE ANSWER ME

One Flute, Two Mouths

9:53 pm

Jesper: Kaz is in the barn

Wylan: Thank you?

Jesper: WHAT DO I DO

Wylan: I don’t know? What is actually wrong?

Jesper: He’s in the barn, it’s nighttime which means it is spooky, and he could FALL?? HE’S CLIMBING INTO THE LOFT

Wylan: If you’re worried about him then go get him?

Jesper: SPIDERS

Wylan: Go save him from the spiders!

Jesper: I’m not going to key mash this time, but I want you to know that I am internally screaming at everything right now.

Wylan: Good night, love

Jesper: UGH

Wylan: don’t get eaten by spiders

Jesper: You know I love you, but I hate you so much right now

Wylan: 😘

Kaz had already put his phone in his pocket and made his way up the first ladder. It wasn’t quite as hard as the first time, but he was still shaky by the time he made it over the edge and into the dusty loft. He almost dropped his phone to the ground before managing to turn on the flashlight. He placed the phone face down on the floor to let the white light illuminate the space. It reminded him of a haunted room from one of his books where a ghost would bang and clang on the pipes to keep his living housemates awake at all hours of the night.

What caught his caught his attention next was the second ladder he had wanted so badly to inspect. He dragged himself up while grabbing his phone again and finally made it to the first few rungs. When he shined the light upwards, he could see that the opening hatch might be rusted shut.

I wonder if I can open it.

Determined to try, he climbed up all the way while ignoring the gelatinous feeling in his legs and arms. He continued to ignore it when he reached the top and had to force the hatch open with his waning strength. He was impressed that he’d managed it, though he had to rest his head against his arm that was hooked around the top rung.

There. Not so bad. Almost to the top.

After catching his breath, he lifted his head and turned his gaze upward. The night sky was beckoning him out the rest of the way, and he soon found that he had pushed himself out onto the roof to stare into the vast expanse of night.

Beautiful.

To be safe, he kept his right hand tight around the top rung of the ladder as he laid back to take in the sights above him. The lights there were nowhere near as bright as the ones in Ketterdam that drowned most of the stars. There had been a few times where he had tried in vain to look through his window to see them, but either clouds or light pollution ruined his chances to see much of anything through the cracks in the black paint that Rollins had covered the glass with.

Now, with millions of stars above him, the loneliness that he had felt in his attic prison with Rollins suddenly felt much more profound. Now, the endless was there to keep him company. Constellations swirled in ever-changing patterns depending on the angle of his gaze, and he wondered which of the glowing lights speckling the sky were planets and which ones were stars. He wondered if Colm might know and if he could ask him.  

Are any of those supernovas? I wonder how long they last. I want to read more about them. Maybe I’ll read about them to Nova, and she can learn about where her name came from.

Of course, he understood that she couldn’t really learn from him reading to her. It was just fun to think about.

Soon, he heard footsteps from below him inside the barn and Jesper’s voice calling out his name. He grinned.

He’ll find me.

Sure enough, Jesper came closer, and Kaz removed his hand and scooted over to allow Jesper the space to approach. He was a little nervous about not having something to hold onto, but he knew he was alright. The roof was flat where he was perched, and good thing, too, as Jesper pulled himself out to sit near him on the opposite side of the hatch.  

“Are you happy with yourself?” Jesper asked incredulously.

“Very.”

Kaz was smirking in the dark, but he was sure Jesper could make out his face based on how he leaned forward to look at him and the exasperated sigh that followed.

Jesper laid down next and crossed his arms. He let out one more little sigh, and Kaz glanced at him before turning back to the sky. It was nice having someone there to share in the endless with.

“Why are you really out here?” Jesper asked without looking at him again. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just restless.”

“Why do I get the feeling that’s going to be a theme with you?” Jesper asked with his own smirk.

Kaz shrugged.

That’s what happens when you spend years locked away in one room without freedom and you’re finally given a taste of it. I need to move. I need to see things. I need to breathe.

“I’m surprised you left Nova behind and didn’t try hauling her up here with you.”

Kaz turned with his eyebrows raised to say, “That’s so dangerous.”

“Hypocrite.”

“What’s that?”

“Someone who criticizes someone for doing or saying something, but they do the exact same thing. My da is going to go nuts if he knows you’re up here.”

Kaz went quiet for a while as those words about Colm swirled in his head. He suddenly regretted his outing.

“Is he going to be mad at me?” he asked quietly.

“Not mad, no. Just worried maybe,” Jesper assured him. “I was worried, too, you know.”

“Really?”

“You’d know that if you read the rest of my texts, you dork.”

“Hypocrite.”

Jesper sat up and looked down at Kaz while exclaiming, “What?!”

“You’re worried but you’re up here with me,” Kaz said smugly with just a little too much pride in being able to use the new word he learned.

Jesper laughed and said, “Why do I teach you things?”

Kaz shrugged, “Because it makes me happy.”

Jesper laughed and said, “Yeah, well you can take that new word to school and impress Inej.”

Kaz went quiet once again. He could feel the heat rising in his face and he had never been more thankful for the cover of darkness. He just hoped the moonlight wasn’t bright enough to betray him.

“So… Jesper started with a singsong voice and a shit eating grin. “Do you like Inej?”

Finding the question strange, Kaz answered, “She’s nice.”

“Oh, come on! You like her, right? I think she’s really into you.”

“What does that mean? ‘Into me?’”

“It means I think she has a crush on you. You clearly have a crush on her. You’re down so bad it’s hilarious.”

Kaz knew he was beet red then, and he felt his heart stumble with something akin to hope and nausea. Still, he was smiling at the concept of a crush. He’d briefly been aware of it as a boy when Jordie started talking about girls. He wasn’t exactly sure what it meant, but he did remember that a crush meant you liked someone, and he certainly liked Inej. He hoped she liked him, too.

She’s so interesting and pretty and… so cool.

“You should talk to her more. Not just about math stuff. Try texting her? Do you have her number yet?”

“What would I even say?”

With more Shakesperean level dramatics than ever necessary, Jesper said, “Hello, Inej. You were looking particularly gorgeous today. Care to come over to my place where we can sit upon yonder front porch and stare into each other’s eyes silently from the dawn until the twilight hour while making everyone else around us unsettled?”

“Shut up,” Kaz said with a smile that was so big it hurt his cheeks. “I’m going to bed.”

“Aaaw, he’s shy!” Jesper squealed with glee.

“Good night, Jesper!”

“Okay, okay, just be careful.”

As they made their descent on the first ladder, Jesper made sure Kaz wasn’t on the verge of tumbling down to an untimely demise or further injury. Colm didn’t know where they were, and he wanted to keep it that way for now.

Once they made it to the loft, Jesper said, “We should add Inej to the group chat. I’ll run it by the others?”

Out of breath again, Kaz nodded.

On the ground floor, Kaz needed to rest for longer than he wanted. His legs could barely hold him up. He was exhausted and frustrated by how tired he still was after having had so many good days in a row. Giving himself any grace was not his strong suit.

“You okay?” Jesper asked.

Still panting, Kaz said, “Tired. Always tired. Weak.”

“You’re getting strong though.”

“Not enough.”

Kaz could see the wheels turning in Jesper’s head, and he seemed to wonder if his idea was worth putting to words. Kaz was curious, so he nodded at him to encourage him to say what was on his mind.

“You’re not doing any physical therapy right now, and I understand why.” Kaz bristled, and Jesper quickly explained. “I’m not suggesting you go see anyone. I’m just wondering if you’d be comfortable asking Matthias for help?”

Confused, Kaz asked, “How? For what?”

“Matthias works out all the time. He likes to do it. I bet he’d love to show you different exercises that you could do that would help you get stronger. Would you feel safe doing that?”

That might be really helpful. I get tired too easily and I still look like hardly more than a skeleton. Matthias is nice to me. He doesn’t do anything to make me scared anymore, and him scaring me before was never his fault. He won’t touch me. I can try? As long as Jesper knows where I am, I think I can try.

“I’ll text him.”

“Cool.” Jesper eyed Kaz with concern and some hesitation before finally asking, “Do you think you can make it back to the house?”

Kaz nodded. He’d make himself get back out of spite. He wasn’t going to let his body decide to give up now. It could give up when he was wrapped up in his blankets again.

I should bring a blanket up here next time. It is a little chilly, and that might be nice. I’ll do that.

The two of them made their way out of the barn, but before Jesper could close it up, he shrieked “Spider!” and ran off toward the house with his legs going in every single direction but forward and yet, somehow, he managed to make it to the front door. Kaz was left behind laughing while bewildered at how the tiny creature smaller than his pinky nail could cause such a reaction.

I should tell Wylan about this. I’m sure he’d laugh.

***

Matthias

10:46 pm

Kaz: Hello, are you awake?

Matthias: Yes, what’s up?

Kaz: I was wondering if you could help me with something.

Matthias: Sure. What can I do for you?

Kaz: Can you teach me how to do some exercises safely? I know I can’t really do much, but maybe you’d have some ideas?

Matthias: Absolutely! I’d love to help. Anything you have in mind? Goals?

Kaz: Upper body strength? I’d like my legs to be strong, too, but I’m not sure how when my right leg hurts so much. I always get tired way too easily.

Matthias: We can experiment and find what works for you. When would you like to start?”

Kaz: Is tomorrow too soon? We can do a different day. I don’t mind.

Matthias: We can do tomorrow. I’ll pick you up?

Kaz: Okay. What do I need to bring?

Matthias: Just wear clothes that are comfortable to move in. Sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt that’s not too loose but not too hot. And gloves that are comfortable but not slippery. We might need to get you special gloves for workouts. We’ll see how it goes.

Kaz: Okay. What time?

Matthias: I can be there by nine?

Kaz: Sure.

Matthias: Make sure you eat. Also, bring water.

Kaz: Okay. See you tomorrow

Matthias: 😊

Chapter Text

A Second Chance

Chapter 43

“You’ve never had powdered Ravkan toast?!” Jesper asked in shock.

“Maybe when I was little. I don’t remember,” Kaz answered, his shoulders tensing and his gaze dropping to the table.

Jesper paused and thought about how his question might have sounded condescending, and he wanted to apologize. Kaz had answered matter-of-factly despite his posture, so Jesper didn’t think he had been entirely offended by his surprise. Still, he wanted to be more careful moving forward to make sure he didn’t make Kaz feel bad about something he had no control over.

“You’re in for a treat,” Jesper said back as a way to keep the mood up.

He wasn’t wrong. Kaz really liked the toast and put a little more sugar on than he was originally given. Colm grinned at the addition, and Jesper kept his thoughts to himself. There really was something cute about Kaz shyly reaching for the sifter and adding just a few more dashes to his breakfast.

As they ate their toast and side of strawberries, Kaz thought about how to approach the subject of leaving the house on his own. The night before, he’d asked Matthias to help him out with exercises and he’d completely forgotten to even ask Colm if it was okay. He’d already been asleep when the plans were made, so now he was nervous that Colm might be upset with him for making them without permission.

Why would he be upset? I can’t really think of a reason he would be. Remember, this house is safe. Okay… I can ask. If he says I can’t then it’s okay. He won’t actually hit me for asking. He’s safe.

After swallowing his last bite, he steeled himself and said, “Um… Colm?”

Colm wiped his lips with a napkin and said, “What’s up?”

“Would it be alright if I went out with Matthias today?”

Jesper didn’t react beyond glancing between the two of them. Pride swelled within him as he’d been surprised that Kaz had asked Matthias for help and arranged something so quickly. Colm was also surprised, but he took a little while to formulate and answer. That time gap was also making Kaz visibly nervous as evidenced by the unsure way he looked between Colm and the doorway, so Jesper piped up.

“Oh, that’s cool. You already talked to him?”

Colm cleared his throat and asked, “I think that’s a nice idea for you to go hang out with friends. What are you planning?”

“I asked him if he could help me learn how to exercise.”

Colm nodded and, and after some thought, said, “That sounds okay. I just want you to be careful. You could easily hurt yourself, a chuilein.”

“I know. I will be careful. I don’t want to hurt myself.”

“That’s good. This could be a good starting point for you. Be careful with those gloves, though. I’ll look into getting you some proper workout gloves.”

“Matthias mentioned that last night.”

Kaz’s phone dinged, so pulled it from his pocket to make sure it wasn’t Matthias reaching out. It was Jesper. Kaz looked over at him completely bewildered because he was sitting right there. Jesper wasn’t looking at him, so he opened the message.

KazPer

8:01 am

Jesper: i DoNt wAnT tO hUrT mYsElF.

Jesper: YOU CLIMBED ONTO THE ROOF OF A BARN.

Kaz: You ran away from a spider half the size of a kidney bean

Kaz put his phone back and looked over at Jesper who was putting his own phone away and grinning like an idiot. Kaz was tempted to kick him under the table – an old habit he had when Jordie had picked on him too much when they were children. Before he could think about giving in to the urge to go through with it or think too much on how the memory of his brother had come rushing back, Jesper stood up to clear the dishes.  Kaz’s own grin crept onto his lips which he promptly covered so Colm wouldn’t ask them what was going on.

“When are you going?” Colm inquired instead, not noticing the shenanigans brewing between the boys.

“He wants to pick me up at nine. I know that’s soon, but is that alright?”

“Sure. Are you two going to a gym?”

Kaz shrugged and said, “I’m not sure. I just told him that I wanted to get stronger, but I don’t know how. He’s going to help me figure out what I can do without hurting myself.”

Colm nodded and said, “That sounds like a good idea to me. I’ll ask him where you’re headed once he gets here. All I ask is that you keep your ringer on so I can call or text you if need be, okay? If you miss the first call or text, don’t worry. I know sometimes things happen and you might need a minute to get back to me.”

“Okay,” Kaz agreed.

“Alright. You know what, that reminds me…”

Colm got up and went to his office before coming back with a silver key. He placed it on the table and slid it to the center and gestured to Kaz.

“That’s yours. If you need to leave the property, just make sure I know where you are at all times. It’s important for keeping you safe, alright?”

Kaz held the key in his palm. There was something surreal about being given a key to the house he was living in. He was sure he would have had a house key had he grown up normally, but he hadn’t. His last house was a prison, and keys were meant to keep him in, not let him come and go as he pleased within reason. This was a token of trust and a symbol of home in a tiny sliver of metal now warming from his touch.

This is mine? I don’t know what to say. Do I have to say anything?

“You can get yourself a cool keychain or something for that, Kaz. Maybe a crow or something?” Jesper suggested.

Kaz liked that idea. He wondered if he could find one on that craft website Jesper had shown him a while ago. Wylan’s favorite leather bracelet broke, so Jesper was looking for a new one. Jesper went shopping and asked Kaz for some opinions. He hadn’t had much to offer because he figured Wylan would like anything given to him by Jesper, but he tried. Jesper seemed pleased with his help, and then he showed him all of the cool things on the website that included handmade clothes, paintings, toys, sculptures, jewelry, and all manner of things crafted.

I’ll have to look later. Maybe tonight.

“While Kaz is out with Matthias, how about you and I go out, Jes? We haven’t done anything like that together for a while.”

Suddenly excited, Jesper answered, “Really? Okay! Where?”

“Wherever you want.”

Now vibrating in his seat, he asked, “The mall?”

“Sure. Go get dressed after cleaning up and we’ll go. I’m going to go answer a few work emails. We can go when Kaz does.”

Jesper hurriedly cleaned up the kitchen while Kaz did what he could from where he sat, like wiping up some of the crumbs that had escaped their plates. In his excitement, Jesper didn’t think about how Kaz might react to just the two of them going out somewhere without him now that he was capable of leaving the house. He wasn’t sure if he should be concerned about it at all, but he couldn’t help but ask.

“Hey, Kaz?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re okay with my da and I going out, right?”

Confused, Kaz asked, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t want you to feel left out. Maybe I’m being silly.”

He’s worried about me?

“Oh. No, I’m fine. I know you want to spend time with your da. I’m going out with Matthias, anyway.”

“Right. Yeah. But hey, future reference: if you want to go out with my da just the two of you sometimes, it’s cool. Bonding time and all.”

What would we do? We did get ice cream together that one time. We could do something like that again maybe? I don’t know. It seems like Jesper might like it if we did. I guess I can try someday. He’s been so nice to me, and he protects me. He’s a good person like Jesper. I think I’d like to. I’m safe with him, and I like him. He still reminds me of… They both do. Um… Yeah. Okay.

Finally, Kaz said, “Alright.”

Feeling better about the day ahead, Jesper nodded and went back to scrubbing the dishes hurriedly before racing back upstairs to choose his outfit for their outing.

***

“Alright, I did a little bit of research just to be safe with what I want to show you,” Matthias said after acquiring a guest gym pass for Kaz.

“Research?”

Kaz took in the sights around him. There was a sea of machines that he had no idea how to operate, and the look of some of them made him nervous. He didn’t know what Matthias had in mind, but if it involved any kind of strap or use of some of those machines that looked like torture devices designed to trap someone, he’d have to decline. Even if he was shown how to use them and they were proven to be perfectly innocent devices, he didn’t think he could. Being in such a strange place, while needed and wanted, was still scary and he wanted to mitigate any chance of panicking.

“Yeah. I looked up different things cane users could do and I thought they would be a perfect starting point. I can show you what future exercise might look like for you, too. That’s why I thought we could still come here anyway instead of just staying at home.”

“Okay.”

The gym wasn’t too busy, but Kaz was increasingly nervous. Nova stuck right by his side, and he kept a firm grip on her leash to remind himself that she was there. Matthias kept an eye on him as he led him to a less crowded corner with some mats. Kaz waited there while Matthias grabbed a bench.

Everyone around them was mostly focused on what they were doing. A few people gave him some curious looks. He assumed it was because of Nova as none of the looks were malicious or holding ill intent. Still, he didn’t want anyone staring at them.

Once Matthias had the bench near the wall and the back of it raised up and locked into place, Matthias said, “Ready to try some things, or do you need a minute?”

Nova was pressing against Kaz who still held onto her leash for dear life. Noticing Matthias’ concern reminded him to breathe, and he was able to release the leash, tell her to stay, and lean his cane against the wall. Nova watched as he walked over and waited for any change in his mood that would require her to leave her spot and help him.

To begin, Matthias asked, “Can I ask where you hurt the most? Is it just your leg? Like what parts?”

“The whole thing.”

“Knee included?”

Kaz nodded.

“Anywhere else in your body?”

After some thought, Kaz said, “My hips, back, and wrist get sore.”

“Alright. I can show you some exercises to keep them strong and flexible. Simple things that don’t involve weights. We’ll keep the weights light for your arms, shoulders, back, and abs. Let’s work on form first. Form is more important than anything because it will keep you from getting hurt.”

“Okay.”

“The first one I want you to try is called a calf raise. You’re going to hold onto the back of this here for balance. Then, just raise up onto your toes slowly. Just like this. Ready?”

Kaz took his place and did as he was shown, and within a few repetitions, his calf muscles were burning. He had to stop and shake out his legs. Then he tried again. He noticed that his right foot wasn’t rising as easily as his left. That had been a problem he’d noticed and one that Dr. Galen had noted to Colm by calling it “foot drop", and one that Colm had mentioned to Kaz at one point in the form of a question.

“Does your right foot bother you much when you’re walking?”

“A little. It’s not bad.”

“Dr. Galen sent me some information about a special kind of shoe you could wear to help with that, but you’d need to be fitted for it.”

Of course, Kaz refused as Colm anticipated.

“You could do some stretches to help gain some flexibility back in the meantime.”

Kaz had tried, but not as much as he knew he should have. He hoped he’d be more motivated now since he was learning from someone he trusted.

“You’re doing those pretty well. Don’t do too many, though. Just try to stick with ten now? Maybe two sets of ten.”

Kaz agreed even though he felt embarrassed about not being able to do any more. He had to remind himself that he was starting from square one and everything was going to take time. Feelings of impatience and fear that he might never be able to do much were amplified when standing beside Matthias who was taller and easily twice his size in terms of mass and far more in strength.

Matthias, however, couldn’t be prouder of him. He happily walked him through several more exercises that he hoped Kaz could manage. They included hip abductors, side steps, hamstring curls, and squats – all with the support of the bench for him to hold onto. The squats were something that he could not do at all yet, and Matthias could see he was a little frustrated. He made sure to praise his efforts and quick learning along with his form.  

Next, Matthias had him sit down and try a few basic arm strengthening exercises with five-pound dumbbells. Those included overhead presses and bicep curls. He also taught him how to do arm circles, arm extensions, shoulder shrugs, and wall pushups. Finally, he taught him how to do sit ups which sapped the rest of Kaz’s energy.

By the end, Kaz felt like he was made of pudding. If he could curl up on the floor and take a two-hour nap right there, he would have. Instead, he hauled himself upright to sit on the floor with his legs splayed out as he supported himself with his hands behind him.

“Doing alright?” Matthais asked.

“Yeah. Just a little… embarrassed. I couldn’t do very much.”

“Don’t be. You’ve never done anything like this, right?

“… Right.”

“Have you ever done any kind of exercise?”

Trying and failing to run or crawl away. Pushing and kicking and punching back. Pacing my room when I wasn’t in chains. I can’t tell him that. I don’t want to. I’ll just say…

“No, not since I was very young.”

I used to run around and play back then. I could do so much more. I could run and climb and jump. I was stronger. It didn’t do me any good though. All of it was taken from me…

Matthias wanted to ask more, but the look in Kaz’s eyes told him he probably shouldn’t. Besides, he remembered how skinny he was when they first met. He looked like little more than a scarecrow. Kaz was still rail thin, but he didn’t look like the wind was going to carry him away anymore.

At that moment, Matthia’s phone pinged. He pulled it out and saw that it was Nina.

“Sorry, one second. I need to check this.”

“Okay,” Kaz said while petting Nova who had come over to rest her head on his thigh.

Little Bird

11:18 am

Nina: good morning!!

Matthias: Are you just now waking up?

Nina: Must you ask silly questions?

Matthias: fair enough

Nina: How’s church?

Mattias: I’m not there right now. I’m out with Kaz. I’m helping him with some exercises.

Nina: … are you sure that’s a good idea? What did you tell your parents?

Matthias: emergency prayer group with a friend who is trying to find Djel

Nina: bold lie

Matthias: Kaz is more important than going to sit in a building where I’m helping nobody

Nina: Just pretend Djel is in the muscle and you’re helping Kaz find him. That makes it less of a lie

Matthias: haha. I need to get back to him.

Nina: okay. love you. Have fun making him a stud

Matthias: love you, too

Matthias: and you’re ridiculous haha

Nina: you love it

Matthias: Hush. Bye for now, love.

Nina: bye for now. Kisses.

Matthias: xoxo

“Sorry,” Matthias said while putting his phone away again.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Just Nina worrying again.”

Matthias hadn’t meant to say that, but he did. Kaz’s curious eyes compelled him to explain more.

“I’m supposed to be somewhere with my family.”

Guilt flooded Kaz’s face, and he said, “Oh, I’m sorry!”

“No, no. I wanted to do this. I don’t actually want to be where they are, anyway.”

“Oh, where are they?”

Matthias stood up to stretch out his body while answering, “Church”.

“Ah. Jesper said you believe in someone named Djel?”

“Yeah.”

Matthias could see the wheels spinning behind Kaz’s eyes. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking, and Kaz seemed like he was trying to find the right words to ask about whatever was on his mind.

Eventually, Kaz said, “But you don’t like the church?”

“No.”

“Jes told me Djel isn’t like Saints or Ghezen.”

“Right. I mean, I believe in Djel. I do. I just… My parents are a bit extreme. I love them. I really love them and want to make them happy, but… anyway. Do you believe in Saints or Ghezen?”

“Neither,” Kaz said without any emotion.

“Oh… really?” Matthias asked with surprise. Matthias didn’t agree with the direction his church had gone or the way his parents enforced their faith on him and his sister, but he did believe in Djel. He believed in a force that connected all life together. He’d never met anyone who didn’t believe in something as far as he knew.

Kaz shrugged and said, “Hard for me to believe in anything like that after what happened to me.”

Both of them fell quiet for a moment, and Matthias saw the darkness swirl in Kaz’s eyes. Nova nudged Kaz, and he went back to petting her for a moment before looking up at him.

“Thank you for helping me today. How often should I do all of this at home?”

Relieved that Kaz hadn’t been triggered by their conversation, Matthias pretended that it just didn’t even happen.

“Try every other day for now. Don’t want you to overdo it. We start slow. There is no shame in that. And for your arms, just use something light for now until you can get your own little dumbbells. We’ll figure that out.”

“Okay.”

One step at a time.

***

Colm and Jesper spent a few hours wandering from shop to shop inside the mall to collect random things they either needed or wanted. Colm, ever the practical one, found new shirts he could use for work as some of his were starting to wear thin. Jesper managed to convince him to get a 3D puzzle of a tree that looked like a Shu bonsai. It was made of painted wood and Colm could keep it on his desk after assembling it. He could even use it for fidgeting by disassembling it and putting it back together again as needed. Colm was glad that Jesper convinced him to get it as he didn’t often buy fun things for himself.

Jesper was able to find plenty of new clothes to replace the ones he had outgrown in the last several months. He was particularly proud of a shirt that had a frog walking and the words “I don’t know where I’m going but I’m gay” written across it. Colm looked at it and laughed and asked, “Why a frog?”

“Because frogs are gay icons.”

“Noted.”

It felt good to be able to wander around and just chat about their lives and how things were going with Jesper’s school and his relationship with Wylan. Colm loved to see his son so happy. He felt bad as he couldn’t remember the last time they’d had an outing where it was just the two of them. Colm knew he’d been too busy, and he needed to make a point of devoting more one-on-one time with him. Though, he couldn’t help but check his phone a few times to be sure Kaz hadn’t tried contacting him. It was good to see that he hadn’t which likely meant that everything was going well.

Both my kids are in a good place today. Jesper needs my attention today, though.

He smiled at that and went back to scanning the windows of the stores with Jesper as they continued their adventure.

Then they came across a store with brick on the outside and a circular, iron entrance. Inside, the lighting was dim, and the walls were covered in band shirts and eclectic art.

“Da, we must.”

“Oh, must we?” Colm asked while looking inside with intrigue.

“This feels like a Kaz store. We should bring him something home as a surprise. That kind of surprise might go over well.”

Thinking back on how his planned surprise with Nova didn’t quite go how he’d hoped, he did think Jesper had a point. He had bought him unexpected things before, and he didn’t seem to mind that at all. It just wasn’t a good idea to spring anything huge on him or take him anywhere without him being fully aware of the destination and the point of the trip ahead of time.

“Well, his walls are a bit barren, aren’t they?” Colm said.

“Let’s find him something.”

They went in and scoured the entire place. They didn’t get him anything music related as Kaz still hadn’t expressed much interest in it yet, but they did find plenty of interesting art pieces that he might like. Jesper, however, came screeching into Colm’s corner holding up the perfect one.

“It’s Kaz and Nova! Floppy instead of pointy ears, but who cares. This, this!”

It was an Edward Gorey picture showing an anthropomorphized crow standing next to a dog. Flying above them was a small, normal crow. The dog was looking up at the human-like crow, and that alone made Colm grin. The picture was all drawn in black against a very light, grayish-beige background.

“That’s the one,” Colm agreed. “Look what I found, though.”

Colm showed Jesper a bat toy that was squeaky.

“For Nova! She’s going to love that.”

In addition to the art, they found a few cool loose, long-sleeve shirts with crow art and the softest black beanie for him, too. Then, they paid and went to find a black frame for Kaz’s picture before ending the outing at the ice cream shop. They both got their favorites while getting a to-go cup for Kaz. They weren’t about to get ice cream without bringing that home for him, too. Knowing Kaz well enough at that point, Colm asked for extra sprinkles for him. He and Jesper had fully converted him to their ways, and Colm suspected that Kaz might have an even bigger sweet tooth than both of them.

Overall, they had a successful day, and it felt good to get out of the house and just have fun. Colm had needed this as much as Jesper did, and both were bushed by the time they climbed into the car.

Joking, Colm said, “Boy, get out and pull this car home. I’m done moving my legs for the day.”

“How about I just drive it?”

“No learner permit.”

“I’m getting one next semester! I’ll have driver’s ed.”

“That’s next semester, not this semester. No permit.”

“But you’re here and you can teach me,” Jesper reasoned with a melodious voice to try and convince him of the merits of allowing him to try.

“No.”

“Ugh!”

“Bah. Go on and get out, pack mule. Pull!”

Jesper grabbed his keys and leaned over to put them in the ignition and turn the engine over. Colm looked at him with mock offense and said, “Fine!”

A minute of giggle fits later had them on the road back home.

***

Kaz had been back for a while and was reading in the recliner by the time they got home. Jesper romped inside and sang, “We got you something!” Nova even jumped up and pranced around the room as she was excited to have everyone back home. Kaz giggled and wondered what Jesper was talking about.

“Hey, how was the gym?” Colm asked as he came in.

“It was good. I’m really tired though.”

“Did you overdo it?”

“Not too much.”

Jesper plopped the bag in front of Kaz then, and Colm chuckled at his impatience. Kaz looked at it and back at Jesper and Colm in wonder at what was going on.

“Open it!” Jesper urged.

“You really got me something?”

“Yeah! We went by this really cool store and thought of you, so we wanted to see what they had. There’s even something for Nova in there.”

Kaz pulled out the framed picture first as it was sticking out of the bag. He’d never seen art like that, but he was fascinated by it. Where some people might find it odd or unsettling, he found beauty and mystery in it. He recognized right away that they were supposed to be like him and Nova which is why they picked it for him. He smiled at that and said, “I’ll put his above my bed or desk?”

“Sure. I’ll get a nail for it later,” Colm said.

Next, he found Nova’s squeaky toy and gave it to her. She bit the body so the wings were dangling from either side of her mouth. Then, she chomped on it to make it squeak and ran through the house with the wings flapping around.

After getting his laughter under control, Kaz found his new hat which he felt with his cheek. It was softer than his others and he immediately pulled it on. Then, he looked at his shirts and felt them, too. He loved how Colm always managed to find the best fabrics for him, and the designs of the crows beautiful. These were the first shirts he had with actual art on them, and he loved them. They weren’t overly loud and were subtle enough to not draw a lot of attention to himself.  He wanted to go to this store some day and see what else they might have.

“Thank you for all of this. I wasn’t expecting it.”

“There’s one more thing…” Colm said while digging into one of his bags before pulling out the cup of ice cream.

Kaz’s eyes got bigger as he realized what it was, and Colm wondered if that might have been the most exciting part. After having a workout for the first time ever, he couldn’t blame him.

“I’ll get you a spoon, a chuilein,” he said while placing it on the table after another chuckle.

“Thanks…” Kaz said with a blush realizing that he might have looked too excited.

The day had certainly been a success all around, and Colm was so grateful. He would take every moment like this gifted to him, and he hoped that plenty more were to come. Unfortunately, he could never be sure as anything could happen at any moment. That was a lesson he’d learned long ago, but for now, he could ignore it. Both his kids were happy. Jesper seemed excited and renewed, and Kaz was still talking and interacting with them and enjoying life.

He's happy. They both are. We’re doing okay.