Chapter Text
Caleb and time had an interesting relationship. The Zemnian had a very keen sense of it. His internal clock was incredibly accurate, and his memory was equally accurate as well. Where one failed, he had the other. And where they both failed, his body was sure to remind him. Hunger when he missed a meal, thirst when he’d been sucked into a task for too long. Grief and depression as Horisal came and went each year. All three of his senses failing had never happened, and Caleb had never stopped to even consider that they could. Even with how fixated his paranoia could be on possibilities and potentials, he had never considered it.
He was fully aware of the passage of time as he went about his days and nights. The professor was aware of it when he got ready for work, when he began and ended classes, when he met deadlines for grades. Caleb was aware of time when he met Essek for dates, when he cuddled with him on a weekend, when they went out to get coffee the morning after.
It was more vague, his awareness, in the peaceful minutes of bliss when they kissed, losing sense of where they were, too focused on who he was with. Awareness abruptly ended in the moments of ecstasy where the world was simply Essek and him, intertwined in pleasure and devotion, ascending to a new state of being. But it always returned. His mind would return to his body and the minutes would begin to tick by again, tracked by Caleb’s reliable internal clock, and from there it was simple math and estimation to get to the answer.
For the past few months, Caleb hadn’t lost track of time passing. He’d lost track of what the passing of time meant, which was arguably more important.
He and Essek were visiting Yasha, Beau, and Molly in Zadash. Molly found a cool bookstore online in the Tri-Spires district, the fancier portion of the city north of everything else, and they wanted to visit it and shop. Caleb was expecting to find some books for Jester's romance collection as gifts for her upcoming birthday, and Essek's birthday had already come and gone with wondrous results. He hadn't intended on making Essek cry when he surprised him with a room full of their friends and his brother, but Essek reassured him it was with happiness. And besides, it was sweet revenge for the surprise party Essek threw for him.
Maybe he'd find something interesting for himself, he wondered as they drove to the store. He doubted it, though. He had something more interesting than erotica sitting beside him, cloaked in illusion by his unassuming Zemnian disguise.
Essek's brown eyes stared out the window as Yasha drove them past buildings, taking in the nice storefronts and well-maintained government buildings. Caleb smiled, watching him, holding his hand in the backseat with Molly on his other side texting Verin. It wasn’t the face he’d fallen in love with, but he could still see the intrigued spark of his boyfriend in those brown eyes that curiously scoured the signs and alleys, and that was what he adored the most.
They pulled into the parking lot of the Chastity's Nook and climbed out of Yasha's car, talking and joking as they walked up and in. The door opening rang a bell and Caleb flinched at the unexpected noise, then held it open for everyone to come through.
The store was smaller than it looked on the outside. Purple curtains were tied back to let in as much light as possible into the somewhat dark, cozy interior, the walls lined with shelves, and some free-standing bookcases made a handful of somewhat lengthy aisles. A long table of knick knacks spanned the entryway, and just past it was the counter to check out, where a middle-aged woman was sitting down reading.
Molly, the charming extrovert, greeted the proprietor as the brown haired woman with wild curls excitedly got up and introduced herself as Iva to the group. After a brief greeting, Essek pulled Caleb over to look at the shelves, hearing Molly talk about finding the store online and asking about what kind of stuff they had in stock.
"I'm interested in the table of odd little knick knacks." Caleb confessed to Essek quietly. "I think Veth would like them."
"Maybe you'll be able to find something for her, too." Essek replied in a Zemnian accent. It was near perfect, now. Caleb was constantly impressed by how quickly Essek picked it up. "And probably even Luc."
"Probably." Caleb hummed, turning his attention to the shelves like Essek was doing. "But first, books."
Essek snickered. He agreed, "But first books."
Many minutes passed in companionable silence. They released each other's hands to pick out and hold books, and it was at first just Caleb picking out books before Essek discovered the murder mystery section and oohed, walking off. Caleb chuckled and followed, standing with Essek as the disguised drow found a few books for himself.
"Which ones are gifts?" Essek asked him as they went up to the counter, depositing their haul.
"There's still more gifts to get." Caleb kissed his cheek, hurrying off to the long table while Essek checked out, the Shadowhand giggling at Caleb's excited trot. Essek paid for his books and asked Iva if she had any cat-themed items, and she went into the back to look at the stock. Caleb was engrossed in looking at every little thing, and soon enough Yasha and Molly joined him and cooed over a tiny porcelain dog statue, which Yasha quickly added to her pile of tiny cute things.
Iva returned with a bookmark that had a cat sleeping happily on an open book, a package of tiny plastic cats in different coat colors and markings, and a cat pencil topper. Essek took the first two and bought them, dropping them into his bag of books. Caleb used mechanical pencils or pens so Essek didn’t think he’d care for the topper. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do with the tiny plastic cats, maybe hide them around Caleb's apartment in cute places like the windowsill or the produce basket, but he had time to think on it.
Caleb brought over his haul for Veth and Luc, and he furrowed his brow when he noticed some were missing. He glanced over at Essek, who just smiled at him. Caleb narrowed his eyes.
"What?" Essek asked, like some sort of picture of innocence. Caleb wasn't fooled.
"Did you take some of my books?"
"I didn't take them, no. I fully plan to give them back to you in the car."
Caleb gave him a deadpanned look. "Liebling."
"What, can I not treat you to a few books once in a while?"
Caleb rolled his eyes, blushing slightly, and he paid for his things.
They were done but the others were still looking, so they decided to do a more thorough look through the shelves. Caleb was particularly interested in a board game and picked it up to show Essek, wondering if it was something Verin might like as well.
"Iva?"
Caleb stilled, eyes widening.
The world started to go in slow motion, almost. His heart began to thud loudly in his ears, his eyes staring at the back of the board game's box. He wondered if he’d hallucinated the voice, but he couldn’t recall a time where he heard her say the name Iva before. But he did recall, immediately and with heart-stopping clarity, what the passage of time meant, finally.
Her sentence was over.
She was free.
"Oh! Yes, Erma?"
Essek felt Caleb's hand in his tighten into a firm grip, and he looked over. The smile his boyfriend had been wearing last he saw had fallen into something grave, if not horrified.
Caleb internally cursed. Iva was replying to her name being called, which meant the voice hadn’t been a hallucination.
Maybe it wasn’t her, he tried to reason. Maybe he misheard. It was just one word, after all. How could he know from just one word?
Worry iced Essek’s skin like frostbite as a chill traveled down his back. He had never seen Caleb look so alert before. Even when Deirta trashed his living room and was returning to confront them, with Caleb rushing around his bedroom to grab things and call out orders to their friends, Caleb hadn’t been half as alert as he was now. He had been rushing with purpose, focused on his goal, determined to get Essek away from the escalating situation. He'd been in control. Right now, Caleb seemed like the furthest thing from control.
Caleb looked like he’d seen a ghost and was debating how best to exorcize it, eyes darting back and forth as his brain whirred and he listened intently for something.
Essek turned his body toward Caleb, squeezing his hand. "What is it?"
A hand clamped over Essek’s mouth wordlessly, Caleb hissing so harshly it cut off, “Shht!”
Essek stared wide-eyed at Caleb.
"Where did you put the inventory sheet?"
Caleb's skin paled and his expression went blank. He recognized the woman's voice instantly, a picture of a handsome young blonde with slightly harsher features than was strictly feminine smiling back at him from inside his mind.
Essek lurched as Caleb dragged him to the end of the aisle, and he witnessed Caleb peek around the side of the bookshelf, doing his best to remain hidden.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Iva said apologetically. “I had to take it to look for some things. Did you check on top of my desk?”
"Caleb what's wrong?" Essek hissed, leaning around behind Caleb's back to look where Caleb was looking.
A half-elf in her mid-twenties with blonde curls and rosy pink rounded cheeks leaned into the front room from the back, talking to the owner.
But Essek knew the signs of illusion magic better than anyone.
Caleb abruptly backed up and began to breathe heavier and shallower until he was almost hyperventilating, fear and shock in his eyes. Before Essek could act, it was too late.
“I did, and-”
In the middle of the disguised person’s response they were whisked away, Caleb saying the command word for Teleport. They landed in Caleb’s darkened entryway, the sound of rapid breathing filling every inch of the small space.
“Caleb?!” Essek set his bag down, watching the Zemnian support his weight with one forearm against the wall, dropping his bag with a loud thud and splaying a hand over the wall as if he was trying to grip it, chest heaving with his panic attack. Essek dismissed his Seeming spell, the illusory form around him flickering out. "Caleb what’s wrong?"
Caleb didn't answer. He just kept staring at the floor and wheezing.
Essek gently guided Caleb's face up so they could meet gazes, saying as he did so, "Caleb, love, it's me. Look at me, okay?" He smiled and stroked Caleb's cheeks with his thumbs, Caleb meeting his eyes and focusing on them. "You're okay. You’re okay. I'm okay, you're okay, we're both okay. Everything is okay, Caleb. Just breathe for me."
Caleb tried his best to regulate his breathing, and Essek was immensely glad he read up on PTSD now.
“That’s it. You’re doing great, d’anthe. Just keep breathing. Nothing is going to hurt you. We’re home safe and sound.”
“She-” Caleb gasped. Essek shushed him.
“Shh, don’t speak, just breathe. You can explain when the panic attack is over, okay? Right now you focus on calming your breathing for me. Everything else can wait.”
Tears began to well up in Caleb’s eyes. He knew they were happening because he couldn’t see through the distortion, but he didn’t feel them on his skin. That wasn’t a good sign.
“Mraow?”
“Not now, Frumpkin.” Essek told the cat trotting over.
“I-” Caleb choked out and coughed instinctively from the feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time. He barely felt the shaking of his ribs, but he could feel as if it was real the struggle for air and the warm calloused palms pressing into his trachea, squeezing his throat. His hand tried to grab them reflexively but latched onto nothing, clawing at air as he coughed and grimaced.
“Mraaaaooooow!” Frumpkin wailed, a sound unlike any Essek had heard Frumpkin make before. But Caleb recognized it. It was the sound Frumpkin made for his flashbacks.
Trusting his cat implicitly, as Frumpkin always knew his mental state better than he did, Caleb turned his back to the wall and began to slide, breathing becoming deceptively calmer. It went from less panicked and choking to heaving deep breaths, and the very brief moment of reprieve was just enough for him to fully realize what was happening.
He was already too far into it to claw himself out, and there was no possibility of hiding away from Essek and weathering the storm alone before the storm crashed over him. There was no choice now but through.
“Let me help you sit.” Essek held onto Caleb’s arms, controlling his descent. “That’s it, keep breathing-”
Caleb, with a fleeting few seconds of lucidity, and with breaths that had calmed enough to speak with, exhaled to Essek the most important word he could think of as the haze of realities blending overtook him.
“Flashback.”
The severity of the situation was suddenly crystal clear. And with that clarity came the realization of why Caleb coughed and grabbed at the air near his throat, and why Frumpkin began wailing, and Essek’s heart dropped through his feet.
The cat moved onto Caleb’s lap, struggling with the troubles of age and mobility, and Caleb’s hand momentarily moved to help. His hand fell over his lap as his face relaxed, vacant behind cobalt eyes, but Essek knew from his research that Caleb was technically still seeing him. Neither of them could do anything about it until the episode ended, and it was difficult for Caleb to parse now from then, but his partner could hear and see Essek as well as the nightmare he was currently reliving.
Caleb wouldn't respond, and he might not even understand Essek, but Essek still spoke to him as if he could. Maybe it was to himself as well.
“Okay. Okay, I’ll be right here.” Essek knelt down at Caleb’s side. He wanted to take Caleb’s hand, but everything he read said not to touch someone in a flashback, so he kept his hands to himself despite how badly he wanted to touch. “I’m not going anywhere, d’anthe. I won't let you go through this alone.”
Frumpkin wailed and cried with frustration, too weak to jump on Caleb’s shoulders. Essek helped him get situated and the cat laid over one side of Caleb's chest instead, his turned head pressing into the crease between Caleb’s neck and the wall. Frumpkin didn’t seem to care about the annoying curtain of hair in his face, burying his muzzle in, loud cries turning into low whines.
Essek abruptly understood why Frumpkin was so upset when Caleb started gasping and choking, cobalt blues going wide with horrors unseen. The drow bit his lip and clenched his jaw, tears welling in his eyes as he watched. The loud wheezing and rasped half-formed pleas shattered Essek’s heart, as did Frumpkin’s mirroring whines. The idea that once upon a time, Caleb had actually made those noises and looked that frightened…
“It’s just a memory, Bren.” Essek told Caleb feebly, digging his fingers into his knees to keep from trying to soothe physically. “It’s all in the past. You're safe now.”
Caleb accidentally smacked the back of his head into the wall as he struggled, but he didn't react to the pain, and Essek put his hand and arm behind Caleb's head so he'd hit that instead, not wanting his partner to give himself a concussion. Essek was glad he did because Caleb did it again, softer this time thankfully, and Essek squeezed his eyes closed after several seconds, unable to keep watching.
But then Caleb suddenly inhaled deeply, and Essek hesitantly opened his eyes. The human took in deep, greedy breaths, coughing hard enough he was almost gagging afterward, and Essek tentatively pulled his arm back. The coughs shook Caleb's chest and shoulders, nearly dislodging Frumpkin, but Frumpkin clawed himself back into position, pressing up as tight as he could against Caleb’s chest and shoulder, the loud whining lowering in volume.
“He’s going to be okay, Frumpkin.” Essek told the scared cat, reassuring himself in the process. He looked at Caleb, saying while knowing Caleb wouldn’t respond, “You’re okay, Caleb Widogast. You’re home with me. You're home with Essek.”
Caleb flinched away from the wall, wincing and jerking the arm around his cat like he was trying to bring his hand up to or over his shoulder. He almost dumped Frumpkin onto his back but the cat held on with surprising strength for its age, claws digging into Caleb’s clothes and a mewl muffed in Caleb’s hair.
Essek grimaced in response and gripped his knees to keep his hands to himself. He wanted to do nothing more than to hold Caleb’s hand and brush the fallen locks of hair out of Caleb’s face, but he knew he had to wait. He had to. This was already bad enough, he didn’t want to make it worse for Caleb.
Thank the Luxon, Caleb stopped moving. He continued his blank staring at the opposite wall, his face slack and his eyes unfocused and dilated, but he stopped twitching and flinching. Frumpkin, consequently, stopped crying, but he didn’t move away. Hopefully that meant the flashback was nearing its end.
Essek’s phone began to buzz in his pocket. He pulled it out and saw it was Mollymauk calling him.
Remembering what started this whole mess, Essek hurriedly answered the call.
“Hey, where are you and Magician fucking?” Molly teased him immediately.
“We left, I’m sorry.” Essek glanced at Caleb, wishing he could ask him how much he wanted Essek to tell the others about the current predicament.
“What?! Why?” Molly sounded genuinely betrayed by the news.
“Something bad happened. Caleb Teleported us to his apartment.”
“Are you two okay?” Molly’s hurt was immediately replaced with worry. “What happened?”
“I’m not sure.” Essek licked his lips nervously, eying Caleb. He half expected Caleb to become enraged at Essek talking about his mental health enough to snap Caleb out of it. “When he’s… calmed down enough, I’ll ask.”
There was a slight pause.
“Did he have a panic attack?”
Essek chose his words carefully.
“It started that way, yes.”
He hoped Mollymauk heard the insinuation behind the words.
“Well shite. Alright, uh, do you want us to… drive over?”
“I, um, I don’t know if… I fear I’m crossing a line even talking about this. I don’t know if Caleb would want me to invite you over.”
“And you can’t ask, I assume.”
“You’d assume correctly, unfortunately.”
“Feckin’ hells.” Mollymauk sighed. Essek could hear him tell the others, “Caleb had a panic attack that turned into something worse. He took Essek back to his flat.”
“Did he have a flashback?” Beau asked Molly.
“Fuck, I didn’t even think of that. Hey, did he-”
“Yes.” Essek bit the bullet. At least Caleb didn’t know what he was saying yes to right then. “Did is not entirely correct, but yes.”
“I… Oh. Is he having one right now?”
“Yes. But I-” Essek was cut off by Caleb blinking sluggishly and resting a hand on Frumpkin’s back. “Wait, I think he's coming out of it.”
Essek set the phone down and shifted so he was in Caleb’s line of sight, relieved beyond belief when Caleb’s eyes focused dazedly on his.
“There you are, dear.” Essek smiled warmly, raising a hand to hover between them. “Is it okay if I touch you?”
“Essek?” Caleb slurred, brow furrowing slightly.
“It’s me, d'anthe.” Essek gently guided the loose hair from Caleb’s face. “We’re home safe and sound. Do you want to get off the floor?”
“... What?”
“You’re on the floor. Do you want to move to the couch? Get some Frumpkin cuddles?”
At his cat’s name, Caleb’s fingers in Frumpkin’s short coat began an uncoordinated petting motion.
Realizing Caleb might be struggling to translate like he had before when dissociating, Essek warned, “I'm going to cast Tongues on you and myself, alright?”
Caleb didn't even blink when Essek ghosted his fingers across the back of Caleb's hand. Casting it on himself afterward, Essek considered his options and decided it was best if he waited to move Caleb. The professor would have a sore ass from sitting on the hard floor, but it was better than trying to separate Frumpkin from Caleb. Clearly Frumpkin was doing his job, and Essek would be loathed to interrupt that.
“We’ll stay here, then.” Essek offered his hand to Caleb. “You tell me when you start to get uncomfortable, okay?”
“Mmokay.” Caleb hummed, mindlessly petting Frumpkin. He didn’t seem to notice Essek’s hand was being offered. Normally Essek wouldn't push, but he needed the physical contact right then or he was going to implode. Not being able to hold Caleb through the episode had been a special brand of torture.
“I’m going to hold your hand. Is that okay?”
“Mhm.”
Essek took Caleb’s free hand and held it loosely, relieved he was allowed this one point of contact. He then picked up his phone and noticed the call was still connected, so he brought it to his ear and asked, “Are you still there?”
“Hmm?” Caleb hummed.
“Dont worry about me, dear, I’m on the phone with Mollymauk. Turn your brain off for a bit and relax, I’ll be right here.”
“Ey, mate.” Mollymauk greeted finally. “How’s Magician?”
Remembering what Caleb said about family helping each other, Essek confessed.
“He’s pretty groggy right now. But he once told me that being foggy-headed was pretty normal for him after flashbacks, so I’m not too worried.” Essek gave Caleb a reassuring smile, stroking his thumb over the back of Caleb’s hand. He was unsurprised when Caleb didn’t return or even seem to register Essek's smile. “How are all of you?”
“Worried about him.” Beau’s voice called out. “I’m guessing he saw her, right?”
Essek furrowed his brow. “Who?”
“Astrid.” Beau’s voice became clearer as something that had been making a strong constant background noise was dialed down. Essek realized quickly it was the AC of Yasha’s car. “Only reason he'd freak out like that is if he saw her, and her sentence is up, right?”
“Wait what?!” Mollymauk shouted, getting hissed at by Beau for being so loud.
Essek was so confused that he couldn’t feel panicked by the thought of that monster roaming the streets.
“What are you talking about?” He glanced at Caleb, who had closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. Frumpkin was now laying across his lap, old hind legs too tired to keep him supported any longer.
“He didn’t tell you?”
Essek gritted his teeth.
“One moment.” He pulled the phone away from his face. “Caleb, are you okay to sit with Frumpkin for a minute?”
“Yeah.” Caleb peeled his eyes open with great effort. “Fucking hell. My brain is soup.”
“At least it’s a good soup.” Essek kissed Caleb’s forehead. “Are you ready to go sit down on the couch?”
“Yeah.”
Essek helped Frumpkin off Caleb’s lap and then assisted Caleb in getting up off the floor and getting settled on the couch. Once Caleb was laying down with a blanket over him, Essek picked up Frumpkin and plopped the tired cat on Caleb’s chest, and they immediately started snuggling together.
“I’ll be right back, okay? The others are just worried about you.”
“Tell them I’m okay.”
Essek didn’t promise he would, kissing Caleb’s forehead again and turning on the television for him instead.
The drow walked to the back of the apartment, stepping into Caleb’s office and closing the doors. He locked them, just in case. Then he steeled himself and brought the phone up to his ear again.
“No, Caleb didn’t tell me. Which means he certainly didn’t tell you.” Essek accused. “So how do you know the details of Astrid’s sentence, Expositor Lionett?”
A tense pause.
“Alright, I looked it up.” She confessed begrudgingly, getting the sense Essek had already guessed how she found out. “We had records on the trial, so I looked at them.”
Essek’s heart dropped. He fell into Caleb’s desk chair and palmed his face. Anxiety and betrayal burned his veins. Caleb would be horrified when he discovered Beau knew, and furious at how she found out. The fallout of this was not going to be pretty.
“Seriously?” Mollymauk gasped. Essek thought it was in horror until the tiefling added like this was hot gossip, “What did you find?!”
“Do not tell them, Beauregard.” Essek snapped. He could feel the pin drop silence on the other end. “That information is for Caleb to share, not you. ”
A sigh. Essek assumed it was from Beau, but he wasn’t sure.
“I found the truth.” She answered Mollymauk cryptically.
“Xsa ol, Beau!” Essek growled.
“The truth?” Yasha whispered, confused and worried.
“Don’t you damn it me.” Beau snapped back defensively at Essek. “If he wasn’t so paranoid this wouldn’t even be an issue! Literally nothing would happen if he told everyone. And I know that’s why he’s not told us, I know him well enough to know he’s afraid he’ll lose everything if he tells us, and that’s bullshit and you know that's bullshit, too, Essek.”
“What you did was a blatant breach of trust!” Essek argued. “Paranoia or not, it was none of your business to look into it!”
“Sorry for giving enough of a fuck that I looked into the people that tried to kill one of my closest friends.” Beau bit out. “And I kept it to myself, didn’t I?!”
“Until now, apparently!”
“Guys, please.”
“Yeah, loves, can we tone the rage down a notch? You’re not making sense, either of ye.”
“Good!” Essek exclaimed. He gritted his teeth, hoping Caleb didn’t hear him over the television. He bit out sharply, “I don’t want it to make sense, because even I wasn’t supposed to know! I found out by accident, that’s the only reason I know ‘the truth’. So if you respect his autonomy at all, Beauregard, you won’t tell them and you’ll tell Caleb exactly what you know so he can make the choice. That information is his to divulge. His traumas are not yours to dig around in because you’re fucking curious.”
Essek hung up and tossed his phone to the carpeted floor, burying his face in his hands. He inhaled deeply and groaned long enough that his chest ached at the deflation of his lungs and his groan became a low growl. He wanted to cry, he was so angry. It was as if Beau had betrayed Essek directly.
No, it wasn’t, actually. Because if she had betrayed Essek, Essek wouldn’t bat an eye. It would’ve been par for the course, as they say in Common. No, he was only seething because she’d betrayed someone Essek loved more than anything, someone Essek would protect with the fierceness of a junkyard guard dog.
And that someone was lying on a nearby couch with an old cat, and needed someone to caretake.
So Essek shoved his anger down, locked it away, compartmentalized his emotions, and then plastered on a hint of a smile and left the study with his phone silenced in his hand, hoping Caleb was more interested in lying there with his eyes closed or glued to the television instead of looking at the sudden distance in Essek’s eyes.