Chapter Text
28/02 - 02:13
“Hey Nagito, wake up!” He hisses, shaking Nagito's shoulder feverently. Trying to snap him out of whatever dream has him whimpering. Tossing and turning as he buries his face deeper into Haji’s chest. Trying to hide away but finding no release.
Thankfully, he watches as Nagito’s eyes snap open. At once Nagito’s hands reach up to push away from him. Sweaty palms shaking as he tries to separate them. Breathes coming in short and sharp as the panic digs its claws in. Tearing him apart.
“Breathe with me.” He reaches out, grabbing onto Nagito’s shoulder as he sways. The world seeming to swim before him as his breathing rate picks up even further. A full blown panic attack beginning to kick in at once.
Nagito looks confused for a moment but as his eyes settle on Haji recognition flashes over his eyes. He can’t tell if he means to but Nagito reaches over and clenched his fist around Haji’s. Holding onto him tightly as the panic continues to run rampant.
“Nagito, it was just a nightmare. It’s just you and me here. Just the two of us.” He offers tentatively. Trying to be comforting as he suppresses the panic in his own voice at the sight. The last thing Nagito needs is him adding to the stress. Nagito is trying to breathe but is failing miserably as it comes out as more of a wheeze than anything else. Every breath stuttering meekly, “Nagito can you tell me three things you can see right now?”
Nagito looks around for a moment and Haji isn’t sure if he can speak or if he can even see anything properly. But then he speaks, “I c-can see…you…the…the covers…a-a…a-….and the window.”
“Good, now give me three things you can feel.”
“Th-the covers…the w-wind…your…your…hand…”
“Good. You with me?” He pries Nagito's hand off of his wrist. Intertwining their fingers without even thinking about it. Of course Nagito’s hand is trembling and clammy but right now he couldn’t care less. The contact seems to feed him. Relaxing the tension that had built up in him as he holds onto Nagito for dear life. Keeping him as close as he can.
Nagito is fine. Everything is okay. Everything is fine…
Nagito nods ever so slightly. The movement is so small he almost doesn’t notice it amongst Nagito’s trembling. However, right as he nods, his head turns to the side. Examining the foot of the bed as he reaches a hand out but of course all he finds are empty sheets. Haji gets to watch in real time as his face falls once more. Eyes glazing over at once.
Looking at him now, he’s a state. His entire body is clammy, shimmering with sweat. His hair sticks to his forehead and any parts that aren’t stuck down are sticking up at odd angles. Tangles running rampant. At once Haji reaches up to brush the hair out of his face. Tucking the strands behind his ear tenderly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He whispers, not removing his hand from Nagito. Trying to offer what little comfort he can, lessening the distress as much as possible.
Nagito swallows hard, forcing the word out from pursed lips as they turn white under the pressure, “It was just something silly…”
“What was it?”
“All of you…” He shivers as he rubs his hands up and down his arms. Teeth chattering as he struggles to maintain his composure, “You were all dead. My luck killed you all and I was all alone here once more.”
Moving carefully and gently, Haji reorients them so Nagito’s back is to him. Pulling him into his lap until they are pressed as tightly together as they can be. Wrapping his arms loosely around Nagito’s waist, holding him close as he presses his lips to Nagito’s head. Nagito’s head might be sweaty and messy but right now he couldn’t care less. All he cares about is the soft feeling of Nagito’s heart beat pressing into his chest. Reminding them both they’re here and alive.
“You know that isn’t going to happen right?” He mumbles into Nagito’s head. Letting the vibrations brush through them both.
Nagito doesn’t say anything but he nods. The movement stilted and awkward as even. And yet still Haji can feel him shaking. Shivering and trembling meekly as his fingers gently tug as Haji’s sleeve. Completely stiff in his arms.
For a while they just sit there, silent as he keeps holding onto Nagito. Humming the familiar tune that his mother once sang to him as they both hold onto one another. Minutes pass and he can begin to feel Nagito relaxing into his hold. Softening ever so slightly as he rests his head on Haji’s shoulder. Meanwhile he just listens to Nagito’s heart beat which seems to be speeding up now.
With Nagito as he is it’s easy enough to whisper into Nagito’s ear as he tightens his grip around his midsection, “Do you want to go back to sleep?” He can feel Nagito shake his head against his shoulder firmly. Not missing a single beat, “Shall we get out of here then?”
All he can hope for is that a little bit of refreshing fresh air might be good for them. It will be better than staying cooped up in here at least where reminders of the fact they’re alone in here are all around.
“Where should we go?” He feels Nagito tense as he looks over his shoulder, bringing their faces a little too close to each other as he stares at Haji’s eyes. Brows knitted tightly together in his own confusion as he considers the suggstion.
“I don’t know…it might be nice to get moving. It should distract you from the dream.” It sounds stupid now he says it but it feels like being here, with Nozomi’s absence so obvious, it’s only worse.
“Um…okay then.”
Haji takes his hand to lead him out of the room. Moving slowly and quietly in the darkness as their hands remain fused together. Trying not to disturb anyone else in the corridors. Without a clock he can’t be sure about how late it is but sunrise is still hours and hours away at this point.
It’s been a while since he walked around outside in the night… He forgot just how cool it could be when the sun dips away and the chilled coastal breeze is allowed to whip across the island. As soon as they step outside Nagito shuffles up to his side, sticking close as he tries to stay warm and sheltered. Pressing into him as they fully intertwine their arms as well as their hands.
He looks over instinctively and can see Nagito looking up at the night sky as he lets out a long sigh. Eyes seem to be sparkling delicately as he takes in the wide open sky above, dusted with stars. Haji wants to kiss him here and now but with him like this onto him just watching him is enough.
“The stars are beautiful aren’t they.” He mumbles, a smile settling on his lips. Sometimes he forgets just how many stars there are until he sees them dusting the sky line like that. Scattered everywhere without rhyme or reason.
Nagito blinks slowly, still fixated on the sky above as he mumbles, “They seem brighter than normal.”
“Perhaps Kazuichi’s machine is working after all…” He chuckles even though he knows that it can’t have worked that well already. Especially not when only a single machine has been made.
“Maybe…” Nagito’s voice sounds distant. His mind not quite matching where his body is at. Lost in the maze of his own thoughts once more.
However, even so Haji takes a hold of him and begins leading him off wherever his feet take him. Meandering along as they cling to one another. Nagito happy to go wherever Haji leads him. Sure enough they end up by the beach, as they so often do. Trampling along the sand as they kick off both of their shoes. Shuffling down to the waters edge until the gentle waves lap at their ankles delicately.
It feels like they’re in a different plane of existence, their problems and all of the concerns of the waking world left behind. Wrapped up in their own little bubble where it is just the two of them. He could almost be tricked into thinking it was just a dream if it wasn’t for the cool water brushing over him and the warmth of Nagito pressed into him.
“How have you been feeling?” Nagito asks softly. It’s been a while since either of them spoke. Even though his words are barely more than a whisper, it feels deafeningly loud right now.
“What do you mean?”
“I know coming back here was a lot but have your feelings changed?”
Honestly, he hadn’t thought about that whole thing for a while. It’s like those worries and thoughts had been suppressed. Standing here now he feels bare and exposed but he just looks down at his feet. Staring at the water as it laps over him.
“I don’t know…” He sighs, feeling his chest tighten as he struggles to breathe without letting it show on his face, “I think it’s been better…maybe. I suppose it's easier to shake off the feeling that I'm pretending when they're not calling me Hajime. But there are still a lot of things that set me on edge... For some reason even my scars seem unbearable now.”
“Did you talk to the others about it?”
He doesn’t bother trying to stop himself as he snorts. Chuckling dryly, “Oh yeah, what am I supposed to say to them?”
“The same thing you said to me.”
“It’s different with you than with them.” It always has been different with Nagito. In spite of everything he is always here. Perhaps he is naive for being so certain but right now it feels like Nagito will never leave him. He probably doesn’t deserve that kind of loyalty but he still clings to it desperately.
But much to his surprise Nagito presses a hand to his jaw. Pulling him into a soft kiss as the world seems to hum around them. Loosening the knot that he hadn’t realised had woven itself throughout his chest.
It’s moments like this where it feels like they are the only two people in the world. He doesn’t want to let go and let the thoughts come rushing back. The softness of his lips seems to draw him in closer. Lulling him in as if without his own will.
Even when Nagito breaks the kiss, he doesn’t pull back. Lingering just close enough to completely consume Haji’s space. Smothering his mind until he can’t even think straight. He likes it better this way.
“They will be better at helping you than me. You mentioned that communicating as a group is important right? They can only help if you tell them.”
He knows Nagito is right and yet it hurts him just listening. The pit in his stomach deepening until it is almost unbearable. Instead of saying anything he just nods. It’s all he feels capable of doing right now.
~~~
28/02 - 13:45
“So…last time we talked about dreams. I was thinking that maybe this time we should talk about our fears.” Although Alter Ego’s voice still wobbles as he speaks, it’s more stable than last time at least. Steadying out as he looks around at them. Putting all his focus onto smiling as warmly and comfortingly as they can. Not that it’s working.
While coming here had been less awkward than last time (thankfully because he’s not sure he could handle dealing with any of that right now) - it’s still slightly weird as they wait for someone to speak up. And yet now they freeze up again. The anxiety overwhelming them at the mere suggestion. Now that feels like stepping right into the middle of a minefield…this doesn’t seem like it’s going to end well.
Even though this was what he knew was going to happen eventually, he still finds himself caught off guard. Holding his breath. The words Nagito said earlier echoing through his mind. His fears…huh? Where would he even start. What is he not scared of. Sometimes it feels like all he ever is is scared now. The unending terror hanging over him like a sword of Damocles. Ready to drop on him at a moments notice.
His instant instinct is to shut off. To hide away and let the others talk first. To let them ramble on until his own voice gets lost in the tumult. It would be safer that way. Hell, he could even do what Fuyuhiko and Teruteru did last time and just avoid it entirely. Alter Ego wouldn’t exactly push him after all.
But then out of the corner of his eye he settles on everyone around him once more. Heart rate picking up for just a moment. By now their faces should be seared into his mind until he can never forget them again. Nowadays he sees them practically every day after all. But for some reason it feels like this is the first time in his life that he has actually seen them.
No one is saying a thing. They’re all just sitting there silently. Holding their breaths. Not a single one of them wants to go first. Normally something like that should make him feel worse. He should feel sad to see their anxious, tensed faces…right? They’re his friends, the last thing he should want is to see them in any kind of pain. And yet, for some reason it’s strangely comforting.
Even though he has reminded himself of it what feels like countless times now, it feels more obvious than ever that they’re all in the same boat. All of them going through the same thing. Maybe he has just been self centered only thinking about himself.
In spite of the furious beating of his heart, he clenches his hand into a fist. Using his other hand to pick at the hair band still resting on his wrist. Tugging at it as the slight tingle works its way down his arm.
Fuck…is he really going to do this? But even though he’s asking, he already knows what he’s going to do. What he has to do. Nagito was right after all…if he was the one suggesting the communicate better then he needs to lead by example for once.
Looking around at everyone else he bites his tongue, forcing himself to speak before he can back out, “I…I don’t really know how to say this but…” At once everyone looks up at him. Their eyes piercing straight through him. Making his head throb painfully.
Why does this have to be so much harder than it is with Nagito? Why can’t it just be easy to talk. It’s not like he’s actually doing anything hard. He shouldn’t be wussing out. And yet it only gets harder and harder as he looks around at everyone. Their eyes piercing. It’s like they’re trying to stab right through him.
This would be so much easier if he at least had a chance to think about what he was going to say before he said it. It’s too late for that now though. He’s started speaking so he needs to follow through now. No matter how terrifying that might be.
And yet, even though his ears are burning, he finds himself staring at Nagito. Trying to focus on him, just him, instead of any of the others. Perhaps if he just focuses on him he can pretend the others aren’t here. It will be like when it’s just the two of them together. But Nagito doesn’t try to smile, he just watches him intensely - almost clinically - like he’s waiting to see whether Haji will collapse or endure. Challenging him to take that first step.
“...I mean, it’s going to sound weird and stupid, but…when I left to go to Japan it was because I…still don’t really know who I’m supposed to be. I just have these tangled webs of memories and thoughts in my head and sometimes I think I’m just scared that I will never figure that stuff out.”
It’s not exactly the first time he’s mentioned the idea to the others so it shouldn’t throw him off this much, and yet somehow it seems
“I don’t think that’s stupid.” Kazuma mumbles, their voice soft but with the silence of the rest of the room they can hear every word clear as day. Their voice is steady — too steady.
Fuyuhiko exhales sharply through his nose. “You don’t gotta cushion everything,” he mutters, “sometimes shit just is what it is.” The words aren’t cruel. But they land heavier than anything else has so far. Kazuma’s fingers tighten in their lap.
Silence stretches. Not warm. Not comforting. Just real, “That’s not what I was trying to do. It’s just…I know I can’t fully relate because I didn’t go through everything you did, but I’ve had the same fear before. I think it is natural to feel that way given everything that happened.”
He feels like those words should be comforting but instead he just feels the pit deepen in his stomach. Cheeks burning hot and throat closing up. Why does everyone have to keep looking at him? Maybe it really was a mistake being the first one talking.
Instead of looking at Nagito, his gaze falls to his arms. Looking down at the small scars still littering his skin. Reminders of all the times he’s failed. All the times he’s been weak and just gone for the first thing that numbs the feelings.
“So I’m just going to be like this forever…?”
“No!” Kazuma jumps in a little too fast, their voice panicked as if trying to desperately backtrack, “It has helped me spending time with the others, trying new things to see what I enjoy myself. Maybe it would help you too. It’s only small but sometimes just finding those things to cling onto helps.”
Even though he knows they’re just trying to be helpful, he can’t help but feel a little annoyed. It’s not like he doesn’t have things he likes. He likes being with his friends, being with Nagito. He likes playing with the dogs and going to the beach. He likes reading and playing games and doing all their stupid activities. No one is making him feel those things.
And yet the feeling still lingers. That deep rooted fear that takes over when he sees himself in the mirror. That long scar staring back at him. The one that doesn’t feel like his. Sometimes when he catches sight of it in the mirror, it’s like looking at a stranger who borrowed his body and never gave it back. Those memories that don’t quite click with everything else in his mind. That terror that seems to ready to rip his throat right out.
Although he had been struggling to even open his mouth before, the words seems to flow out freely now as he shakes his head, “It’s not just that…it’s…whenever I see these scars,” his hand flutters up to his head, brushing against the long scar that still taunts him to this day, “its like a stab in the gut. I can’t stand seeing them. Sometimes it feels like it’s not even me. They’re just reminders of what I once was. Or maybe what I am…”
For some reason it’s not the scar across his head that comes to mind now. Instead all he can think about is the ugly burn scar covering his abdomen. For a moment he can swear he can feel it still throbbing. A sharp stab of pain sparking across his skull at once.
“They’re reminders of all the people I killed without even thinking about it. Reminders of all the times I have been weak.” It’s scary to think back now on how many people he has killed without a moments hesitation. How many lives he brought to an end.
He likes to tell himself everything he did was because of Junko - her despair and her influence - or he will blame Hopes Peak for everything they turned him into, but is any of that really the truth? They weren’t holding the weapons when he killed all those people. What about the ones in that alley, or the guards in the Future Foundation that he killed without hesitation? Maybe he’s not so scared that he will never figure out who he himself is, maybe he’s just terrified that he will hate the person he really is beneath all the pretending.
“I did not realise you too were upset by your scars.” Sonia’s leg bounces as she looks down at the scar on her arm, “When I was still upset by my own scar you told me that they were reminders of how I survived, perhaps instead of focusing on the circumstances behind each you need to remember how you are still here and the good you have done.”
He almost laughs. The sound makes it halfway up his throat before dying there, “It's easier than it sounds. Those scars are tied to memories of terrible things I have done...even if I try it doesn't seem to make a difference.” He admits instead.
“Existence itself is an unforgiving battlefield - a realm where only those who claw against despair carve their names into eternity. To struggle… is not weakness. It is proof that your heart still ignites with defiance. Each wound endured, each tear shed, is evidence that you yet stand. The moment one ceases to struggle… that is the true defeat.” Everyone practically holds their breath as Gundham begins his grand proclamation. His voice so steady and sure that it almost distract Haji from his own mind for a moment as he hangs off his every word.
“Even a supreme overlord harbors shadows within his dominion. My greatest terror is not pain. Nor solitude. Nor even oblivion. It is the abhorrent notion of surrendering my sovereignty once more - of becoming a puppet once more, my will shackled, my choices dictated by another’s hand. To lose agency over my own flesh, my own path… that would be the ultimate disgrace. A defeat far more damning than death itself.”
To lose their own agency…he can’t help but look around at everyone else. Taking in their expressions for the first time properly since starting his own ‘speech’. Even though he was never actually brainwashed, he can’t help but feel like it’s a feeling he himself understands. While he might not have been mentally messed with by Junko, sometimes it does feel like everything going on his mind was predetermined by Hopes Peak. His own mind being hijacked for their experiments. Who would he be if he had never been picked for their little experiment? Would he even like any of the things he likes now?
“Is that because of what happened with Junko?” Alter Ego asks carefully. Gently prodding as hard as they dare to.
“What a foolish question! It is always about that…woman. She has twisted and controlled my mind - overpowering me - once before. Never again shall I allow myself to be so weak as so bend to the twisted destiny they have carved for me. I was not forged to be controlled. I would sooner let the heavens crumble than relinquish command over my own destiny!”
“I am sure that is not a fear you are alone in after everything we have been through…” Peko hums, fiddling with the edge of her t-shirt, “I spent much of my life as nothing more than a tool being used by people - at first by the clan and then by Junko herself. I think if there is anything I fear it’s that I become just a tool again. Something unable to connect with people and unable to truly help and protect people where it matters.”
“Our souls are united in their screams of terror and yearns for freedom. Such things can only be forged and cannot be disguised or fooled!” When Gundham says it it sounds strangely nice in a way he knows would be impossible coming from literally anyone else.
“Protecting people…huh?” Akane sighs, her voice shaking in a very uncharacteristic way, “I s’pose that’s what I’m afraid of. That I’m gonna be too weak to protect the people that matter ta me again. Just once I wanna actually protect someone without lettin’ them down.”
At once he can picture Akane with her siblings. The thought tugging at something painful in his chest. He wishes just once he had been able to see her with them. He imagines it was very similar to how she was with the other kids but he can’t help but wonder. Someone her age shouldn’t have had that kind of responsibility but still it would have been nice to see her with those she really does love.
“I think you are already making progress. You have been getting much stronger recently from what I have seen.” Kazuma puts on a bright smile. Offering as much warmth as they can muster, not that they’re wrong - from what he did get to see yesterday she is getting better bit by bit. It is still a long way from what she once was but it’s still an improvement at least.
“What ‘bout you then? You gonna hold off on us?”
Of all the reactions he was expecting, he’s taken aback as Kazuma immediately glows red. Looking down at their hands as they try to hold their breath. Pursing their lips so hard that they start to turn white, “I am scared that once all of you figure out who you are… there won’t be room for someone who doesn’t.” Their voice falters just slightly, “I’ve spent my entire life becoming what other people needed. If you don’t need me anymore… I don’t know what’s left. I spent so much of my life looking for family and belonging. Now I just spend every day terrified that it is going to be taken away from me again.”
“Ibuki feels exactly the same way!” Ibuki immediately perks up but, despite the energy behind her words, he can see her gnawing on her bottom lip. Chewing them until they start to flicker pink with small spots of blood. Nails picking at the skin of her palm, “Ibuki just doesn’t want to lose anyone. I’m not sure I can keep going without everyone here.”
“You don’t need to be scared of that, neither of you do.” Nekomaru reaches a hand out to rest it on Ibuki’s, wincing as she flinches back at the sudden contact. An apologetic look taking over his face at once, “I promise you none of us are ever going to leave.”
It’s the sort of thing that would usually have everyone jumping up to agree but instead there is just a long pause. A collective breath being held across the room, “You can’t promise that,” Mahiru says quietly. Honest, vulnerable, and perhaps just a little scared. She almost sounds like she thinks they’re going to lash out at her any second. Braced and ready to flinch at a moments notice.
Nekomaru freezes, hand still resting over Ibuki’s. The room shifts. The illusion wavers. For just a moment it feels like they can all see underneath the thin veneer of a mask that has been carefully crafted over these last few months - perhaps even years.
“People leave,” Mahiru continues. “Sometimes they have to. That doesn’t mean it’s betrayal.” Even though he wants them to, no one argues. How can they? He knows if he was the one to say something it would be hypocritical of him. He was the one who actually did run away and leave them after all…
“M-Mahiru is right…you can’t promise that…last time lots of you were talking about leaving the island…going elsewhere. If that ever happens then we’re going to be alone again.”
Although they might not want to think about it, they all know that she’s really just saying what they all deep down know is inevitable. It’s all well and good to pretend they can have the best of both worlds, but realistically eventually they’re going to have to chose. Right now they’re just putting off thinking about that for as long as they can. Letting themselves pretend their is a world where they can all just stay together forever despite all the different things they want for their futures.
“It’s true that chances are you might not be able to live together like this forever but that doesn’t mean you need to go separate ways completely.” Alter Ego hums, tapping his chin as he does so. He could swear he can see the cogs turning behind their eyes, “Just because things might one day need to change, it doesn’t mean that it will be gone forever.”
“What do you mean?” Ibuki mumbles, her words far softer than normal in that way he has come to see in her when she really is anxious.
“I mean that maybe there is a where you can all settle down near each other and can see each other regularly. Seeing all of you together…seeing your friendship and love for each other…I can’t imagine you ever wanting to part way and never see each other again.”
“E-Exactly, m-maybe we can all live next to each other.”
“We could have dinners together every Sunday!” Sonia claps her hands excitedly at her own suggestion.
“Why Sundays?” Kazuichi just furrows his brow in confusion as he looks over at Sonia at once.
“Because Sundays are good times for families to come together, correct?”
“The point is that I don’t think that anyone would want to never see each other again after everything we have been through.” Mahiru looks around at everyone in the room, as if waiting for them all to give their approval. Glaring them down as if trying to twist their arms into agreeing - not that they really need to be coerced in that way.
He had his chance to move away from them all and even then he couldn’t help but miss them. At this point he can’t imagine ever leaving them completely. He’s pretty sure he would just spend every day missing them.
But despite all that, Ibuki still doesn’t look any more relaxed. Her lips still chewed raw and her nails pinching at her skin. She’s doing a good job of disguising it but he can see the uneven breaths leaving her.
“It’s…but what if you’re…wrong.”
“What do you mean?” Peko tilts her head to one side curiously. Trying to decipher Ibuki as if she’s a puzzle to solve.
“I…I mean…what if you change your mind. What if you…learn things that make you change your opinion.”
At once the memory of that one day from months ago comes to his mind. Ibuki’s terror as she slipped into his bed. It’s been so long now that he almost forgot about that. In fact, he sort of thought she had moved past it. She always seems to happy and cheery. Maybe he’s just making the same mistake that Hiyoko and Mikan made, always assuming she’s fine just because she’s smiling blindingly.
Without missing a beat, he looks over at her. Forcing her to meet his eyes. He wishes he could hug her or give her some reassurance but with the space between them this is the most he can offer, “I promise you nothing you could ever do would change their feelings. They love you for you and nothing is going to change that. Perhaps you just need to…get things off your chest, and have faith in them that they will still be there to catch you.” Although he can sense the others watching him, trying to decipher the conversation, he pays them no mind. Giving Ibuki his undivided attention.
Compared to all the times he’s fucked up and burned bridges, what Ibuki has done is basically nothing. But of course she can’t see that. He hates to think that she still blames herself even now.
Nekomaru is about to pull his hand back, but right as he goes to Ibuki grips it tighter. Squeezing it for dear life as she looks up. Swallowing hard as if to remind herself she can.
“Y-You know how we all came to this island…when Haji told us it was too dangerous…it was my fault.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Fuyuhiko frowns, nose scrunching up.
“It means…Ibuki - no…I was being s-silly. Irresponsible. I went off on my o-own without th-thinking and…this…there was a man…” Even though her voice keeps hitching as she struggles to keep talking, throat closing up, everyone stay silent. Being as patient and kind as they can be while she talks, “I wasn’t thinking…I was s-scared…and I…I just killed him. I wasn’t brainwashed o-or controlled. I k-killed him as myself. I watched him d-die. I-I’m the reason we couldn’t s-stay in Japan…”
No one rushes to fix it. The word killed settles between them - heavy, ugly, impossible to soften. They all know that weight, the feeling of that word, far too well by now. It might as well be an old friend wrapping its hand around their throat once more. Haji feels it in his chest. It’s not judgment, it’s recognition.
They all practically flinch back when Mikan finally does make the first move. Holding her arms out to Ibuki, just about holding herself back from actually throwing herself onto her girlfriend. Letting Ibuki make the first move until she can wrap her arms around her. Ibuki finally letting go of Nekomaru’s hand to squeeze Mikan instead. Trying and failing to hide her crying in Mikan’s shoulder.
“That wasn’t your fault! I also m-messed up lots and got people in d-danger. If those people hadn’t recognised me then H-Haji wouldn’t have had to g-get hurt. For a long time I was s-scared that you all being nice to me was j-just a trick and that you would start hating me l-like everyone else b-but you didn’t. If you d-don’t blame me then you c-can’t blame yourself.”
“Exactly, you were just defending yourself.”
For the first time Teruteru looks up. Squirming in his seat as he clears his throat. Brushing at his eyes anxiously, “Even if you weren’t brainwashed then, it was not as bad as some of the things we did without any self defense argument. The fear of what I did…what I became will never leave me now.”
“We have all done things we regret…” Nagito mumbles, avoiding looking at Haji for once as he tries to force himself to breathe, “I am always scared that my luck will backfire and hurt all of you. But hope doesn’t come without despair. We just need to have hope for the future. It’s the only way we can provide hope to the world now.”
“For once I agree with Nagito…” Kazuichi nods with a little more fervor than he had been expecting, “Sometimes it’s hard to keep seeing the positive when all I can think about is the people I killed and how unworthy I am to keep living. How many other people would be more worthy of being alive right now than me…”
“How do you move past that feeling then?” Chiaki suddenly speaks with that soft encouraging expression she always has. Sometimes he wonders if she even realises she’s doing it at all.
“Most days I don’t but…I guess I just try to think about trying to do at least some good to make sure all of this wasn’t a complete waste. Have hope for the future or whatever Nagito was saying.” It’s still kinda strange seeing Kazuichi agreeing with Nagito, but it sends a pang of warmth through him.
“I guess I’m the same fucking way. We’re all in the same shitty situation where it feels like we’re not worthy to be alive or whatever. I suppose that’s what I’m scared of. It’s the same fear I had when Peko died because of my crappy ego in the Neo World Program. The fear that I’m never gonna be able to make any of this better. That I’m just going to be the same crappy person I was before and that I will never be able to repent for all the messed up shit I did.” Fuyuhiko tries to cover up the wobble in his voice with a growl but it doesn’t work, “I loved my parents…my sister…but I don’t want to be like them. I want to do something good before I die so I don’t need to hate myself forever…”
“It is the same for me. I would like to have made my parents proud before I am to see them again. Their last memories in this world was fear of me and disappointment. I am scared that even now they would be disappointed if they could see me.” Sonia tries to put on a strong face but of course it falls short. When she says that she almost sounds like a child once more. Somehow that stings harder than anything else. In truth she still is a child in a way. They all are. Even if they’re in their twenties after missing so much of their lives it sometimes feels like they really are still just lost teenagers.
“I disappointed people my whole life…” Ryota mumbles, “I think I’m also scared that I am going to let them down again…I know last time I said I want to help them once more but I normally mess up everything I touch. I don’t know what I would do if I let people down again now I have finally been able to make friends.”
Given everything he has come to know about Ryota he can’t imagine the man sitting in front of him now ever letting the Future Foundation down now, but he knows all too well that those things aren’t always in their control. Besides, when have their fears ever been truly rational. Their irrationality doesn’t seem to dull their teeth though.
“I already know my family would be disappointed in me…of course my grandma would be but the rest of my family would be too…the more time I spend here with weirdos like you, the more it feels like I am losing that part of myself…like one day I will lose them completely. I might forget all about those traditions and memories that made my family special. I’m always clumsy so just once I would like to make them proud of me…”
He doesn’t even notice Mahiru reaching out to hold Hiyoko’s hand until everyone else looks over at them both. Counting out everyone that has already given an answer until their eyes fall onto Mahiru once more.
“It sounds silly now everyone else has said it but, the fear that always seems to haunt me is that I will forget who I once was too…my mum used to be the most important person to me. I really don’t want to lose those memories and the person that I was with her. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I forgot all about her but then the terror kicks back in and it’s like I can barely breathe.”
“I don’t think it’s silly at all.” Alter Ego nods confidently as he looks around the room. Appraising them. He could swear it’s almost as if he is…proud of them, “I was hoping that by sharing you would all be able to see that you’re not alone. A lot of the fears or feelings you are struggling with are exactly the same as each other. Knowing that isn’t going to make them easier or less really but…maybe it will be a little less lonely at least?”
He waits for the familiar instinct — the urge to dismiss it, to call it naïve. It doesn’t come. The fear is still there. The weight hasn’t lifted. But for the first time, it doesn’t feel like it belongs to him alone. That’s… different.
He supposes after everything they have been through it makes sense the same demons would be haunting their shadows every day. Nevertheless his mind feels heavy and stuffed of thoughts as he ponders all day. Mind still wrestling with the implications. He’s not sure what he is supposes to feel. Maybe he’s not supposed to know or have answers for once…
It isn’t until much later, when he and Nagito are lying in the dark, that it hits him. Everyone answered. Everyone…except Nekomaru. Nekomaru - who survived death itself twice - never said what he was afraid of. For some reason, that unsettles him more than anything that was said in that room.