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It was pouring. Pouring and so damn cold.
Dark, too, but it was hard to focus on anything other than the cold and the feeling of her soaked clothes plastered to her skin. Her socks squelched in her shoes with every step after stomping through puddles in the road, wishing she had gathered the courage to stay with Kris. She didn’t know where to go at this hour and with so many things whirling around in her head.
But wandering through the rain was better than being at Kris’s house, with their weird mom and her weird… Sans…. Better than that face Kris was making. She didn’t think she could’ve stayed there, actually, even if she had tried before running out the door.
The cold night air was far better than that awkwardness, better than Kris’s expression after what they had both walked in on.
She didn’t know what their face meant—faces were difficult to read sometimes—but it wasn’t good, she knew that much.
And they wouldn’t even look at her after the first time she was able to meet their gaze. Kris had let their bangs cover their face when she tried to look at them after that.
They didn’t even try to ask her to stay, and it sort of stung that they let her walk right back out the door and into the rain alone. But she knew Kris heard her through the window even as she walked away. She knew she saw them staring out at her while she talked to them, hoping the Prophecy wouldn’t turn out that way.
Dammit. She wouldn’t let it happen. It couldn’t happen. Not after everything they’d been through—after everything they’d done together. The three of them… they had to be strong enough.
Maybe the prophecy was broken, because why else would it be like that? How could that be the fate already decided for them, for the three heroes?
This was destiny; no matter how hard they struggled against their path, their world would continue down this road.
There was no fighting something that didn’t exist, or rather, something that existed beyond the physical world. No matter how she bared her teeth and attacked what little she could see, nothing would change. Maybe it was already decided how she would retaliate. Had it been written long ago that she would try to shatter fate, only for it to slice her back? Even while trying to defy it, she was likely following down its winding trail, guiding all of her thoughts and actions.
It was screwed up. Just as things had been and will always be. Susie knew life was unfair, but fate, too?
Everything was always out to get her. Something always prevented her from doing and having what she wanted. And now this? She thought this whole ‘hero thing’ could be the one good thing in her life, but yet again it shattered before her eyes. It was so unfair, so frustrating… and she wasn’t getting anywhere thinking like this.
This was impossible. She needed a solution, and she needed it now. Or, at least, needed it before she lost her mind and opened another dark fountain in the church to find the answers herself.
But the church wasn’t her only source of knowledge of the Prophecy.
Now that she thought about it, Susie knew the perfect place to learn how to literally change destiny. Well, it wasn’t really place, but a person instead, that might have some useful information. She wasn’t sure if there was truly a way to rewrite fate, but she knew it was worth a shot.
Anyway, who else would know how this stuff worked besides Ralsei? He was a textbook-definition nerd—complete with glasses—but also had a heart big enough to solve everyone’s problems.
He could solve this problem, too. If he couldn’t figure it out, well… she had no idea what they would do if he couldn’t fix this.
She stopped wandering around Hometown after getting her thoughts in order and began heading directly to the school.
For once in her life, luck was on her side; the door was unlocked. It was more likely that Alphys had just forgotten something and didn’t lock the door on her way back out, but Susie wanted to believe that things might just go her way for once.
She pulled the door open and jumped in.
This was the last place in Castle Town he could possibly be. Checking in his room last sounded stupid, but she assumed he wouldn’t be in here. Not only because it was closed off before, but also because it was entirely empty.
“Ralsei? Are you in here?”
Finally. Here he was. Susie could ask her questions and also give him this stupid cushion she and Kris had stolen from the church. She’s been carrying it around like an idiot for far too long anyway.
Standing in the threshold of his room, she watched him startle and turn to face her. He looked down at the couch cushion in her arms, puzzled.
Ralsei opened his mouth to speak, but she interrupted him before he had the chance to ask why she had brought it, eager to finally set it down.
“Dude, I was looking everywhere for you. Kris and me picked this up earlier for your room, and since I was coming here anyway, I thought I could give it to you.”
Instead of offering the cushion to Ralsei like he might have expected, she carried it over to a corner and plopped it down. Susie moved it a bit to the side, and then she patted it a few times—to make it fluffier, of course. Standing up again, she stepped back and smirked while admiring her fine handiwork.
“I know it’s not a real bed, but it’s better than nothing for now. At least until me and Kris find more stuff to drag in here.”
Ralsei shifted awkwardly and rested his hands on the windowsill again. He looked a bit uncomfortable at something she had said, but she had no clue what it was. Maybe he liked his room completely empty for some strange reason. He was a little weird like that.
“We’ll get you a bed soon so you don’t have to be sleeping… uh, wherever you’ve been sleeping, I guess?” A bed was the bare minimum, and there was no way she’d let him refuse one.
“It’s fine. I already have everything I need, Susie.”
It was hard not to mention the fact that his room was empty—well, aside from the cushion she had just brought—but Ralsei’s room did not have “everything he needed” because it didn’t have anything in it. She had no idea what he meant by saying that, and it wasn’t even slightly reassuring.
He was staring at his reflection in the window again. Come to think of it, he had been very distracted since she walked in. Hopefully he wasn’t remembering how she yelled at him before….
She had an important question, though, and that’s why she had been searching all over for him. No matter what he was thinking about, it could wait a little longer.
“Ralsei?” Susie approached him from behind. “I need to ask you something.”
He perked up at that, expression shifting into something slightly more at ease. “What do you want to know?”
Of course a nerd would be relieved to answer a question. Typical Ralsei.
“So, about the Prophecy….”
She watched his face become apprehensive as she spoke, and Susie remained quiet for a few more moments before continuing, hoping his concerned look would smooth out on its own. “Ralsei. How do we fix it?”
“Fix—fix it?” He stammered.
“It can’t end like that. We can’t let that happen.”
“Susie—“
“Ralsei, what do I need to do?”
“No. Susie, you can’t do anything. We can’t… the Prophecy cannot be changed. I-I’m sorry.” He faced her, bracing himself against the windowsill. “There’s nothing I can do.”
Susie stared at him, shocked.
So they can’t do anything. Just great, and now he was making that face. Similar to the one Kris had made before she walked out. Not embarrassment or anger or fear, but… it looked like resignation. Hopelessness. Like they both felt trapped and helpless, with no way out.
She had felt that way, too, sometimes, when the world seemed to be against her. Did she have that same look in her eyes when she was wandering in the rain earlier, before she ran to Ralsei to ease that fear?
Her eyes wandered down to where he gripped onto the windowsill, and there was something red dripping down his sleeve.
Is that—“Is that blood?”
Ralsei dropped his bloody arm to his side, hiding it from view. “It’s okay. It doesn’t matter.”
“Dude, what happened?”
The bleeding didn’t look extremely serious, but he might have been attacked somehow. There was enough blood to soak through his sleeve, and the rest was running down his forearm.
“Let me heal you.” Her voice was stern; it wasn’t a question.
Smiling, Ralsei said, “It’s not bad. Don’t worry.” He seemed genuine, to her surprise, but something was off.
He was being frustrating.
She stepped closer to intimidate him. “No, you’re bleeding. Show me.”
“It’s not important,” He affirmed again, almost confused by her persistence.
“Give me your arm, Ralsei.”
“It’s okay. I’m sure.” The idiot was still smiling like his own blood wasn’t dripping down his sleeve.
“Your arm. I’m not asking again.”
“You don’t have to worry about it, I’m fine.”
Susie lunged forward and wrenched his arm into view. “No, you’re not!”
He cried out in pain as her claws wrapped around the wounds.
She froze, but didn’t release her grip. Blood ran down Ralsei’s forearm and dripped off his fur, and she stared as it seeped under her own claws. She moved her hand to restrain his wrist instead to prevent worsening the injuries, and she rolled his sleeve up to his elbow.
It was difficult to get a good look past the fur, but Susie could see the blood stains were evenly patterned down his arm.
She took a steadying breath and looked right into his eyes, then asked as patiently as she was able, “Did you do this to yourself?”
Ralsei’s voice was small but betrayed little remorse. “I did.”
Her patience was already thin after the day she’d had, and the indifference in his response destroyed any hope of maintaining her composure.
“Why would you do that?! You can’t just hurt yourself!” She would be lying if she said her voice hadn’t cracked.
Her jaw was clenched shut, and the hand already gripping Ralsei’s wrist clamped down harder before she remembered she might hurt him.
“It’s okay! The i-injuries aren’t very deep, and it’s not dangerous when treated properly afterwards.…”
Judging by Ralsei’s expression and tone, he was beginning to feel at least a little shame.
Good, he should feel guilty for hurting himself, even if it was only a response to her shouting.
She was offended by the pity she saw in his eyes, but it wasn’t for himself; it was for her. It seemed he felt worse making her angry than intentionally cutting his arm.
Susie really wanted to hit something right now; she was pissed off and couldn’t understand him or the way he was reacting.
“Not dangerous?! Dammit, I don’t care how well it heals, you can’t hurt yourself in the first place! What if something goes wrong and you can’t fix it? What then?”
She dragged his arm up to eye level and pushed it closer, forcing him to look at the mess he had made of his arm.
“Am I just supposed to do nothing while my friend slices up his own arm?! Is that what you want me to do?!”
Susie watched his eyes become glassy and his breathing quicken.
“What if you died?!” She turned away, still clinging onto his wrist.
“Is that what you were trying to do? Kill yourself and run away from all your problems? Leave them to me and Kris to deal with on our own? Is that it? You want to die?!”
“No!”
Ralsei finally ripped his arm free and yanked his sleeve down, and he began yelling, too.
“No—I didn’t—I don’t—I-I-I’m sorry! I don’t want to die! You two are the only good things that have ever happened to me, and I—I couldn’t leave you—“
“Then why are you hurting yourself?!” She leaned closer, almost hitting his snout with her own.
There were tears in his eyes that were pushing at the edge, waiting to spill over.
“Spit it out already, dammit!”
“I don’t know!! I don’t know!! I don’t know!!”
He covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut, and it reminded her of a child trying to hide.
Tears ran down his face as he begged, “Please—please stop yelling at me!”
The sight of her friend cowering in fear, arm bloodied by his own doing, brought reality slamming back at Susie.
She stood in stunned silence, watching Ralsei pull on his ears and cry apologies to her.
What the hell was she thinking, screaming at him in his face like that? What kind of a friend was she to guilt him for his pain? He looked so frightened, so terrified of her when she should be protecting him, and it made her heart ache and her throat burn to watch him break down into tears because of her.
“Susie—I don’t—I’m sorry, I’m sorry—I—“ He was still blubbering stupid apologies that she forced out of him, crying into his hands now. She didn’t even want apologies; she had just wanted a damn answer.
Now, she only wished the tears would stop.
In the only way she knew how to quiet him, she stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Ralsei, one hand pressing his head forward and crushing his face into her shoulder.
“Just shut up already.”
Ralsei grabbed the front edges of her jacket and started sobbing into her shirt. She held him tight even as the frame of his glasses stabbed her collarbone and his tears left wet patches where he buried his face.
Well, he was still crying his eyes out, but at least he wasn’t blabbering on about nonsense anymore.
She couldn’t handle any more apologies for something he didn’t even do. It was her fault she’d lost her temper, and even though she wouldn’t admit it, she was scared.
To ease her fear, she rested her chin on his head and listened to his shaky breathing, but after a little while, she swore she heard a quiet apology hiccuped into her shirt.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s selfish….” His voice came out muffled against her chest, but was clear enough to understand.
“What’s selfish?” It was difficult to talk with her chin pressed against his head.
Ralsei pulled back slightly but didn’t meet her eyes. “I hurt myself.”
“How is—how is hurting yourself selfish?”
“I shouldn’t be able to feel like this… and, even though I do, it’s not my place to punish myself. You and Kris get to decide what happens to me. Sorry—I’m sorry. For troubling you.”
Everything he said only confused her more. He might not be “real”, but he existed and experienced emotions. She and Kris would never even think of punishing him for feeling or for acting on those feelings.
“Ralsei.“ She grabbed his hand and clasped it between both of hers, “Don’t apologize. Just… tell me. Why did you do it?”
“You and Kris are so useful and I—“ he sniffled loudly. “—I feel like I can’t do anything to help you anymore. I tried distracting you and lying to you, and all I did was make everything worse! My only purpose is to help you two, and all I’ve done so far is mess it all up. I failed too much to deserve your friendship or your care, and hurting myself makes me feel less guilty for it.”
She was horrified by his confession, yet it felt like the connection between her brain and her mouth was severed, and nothing would come out.
Susie could do nothing but stare at her friend with wide eyes that tried to understand him.
“Now, it feels like I’ve already paid what I owe you both, and that I might still be able to deserve your kindness if I suffer for my mistakes.” His voice wavered with the struggle of baring his soul to her.
Ralsei tried to smile at her, but it eventually melted away to something troubled and tired.
There. It was that face again. That broken expression she found herself staring directly into for the second time in one night.
Susie felt she had seen that expression too many times on her friends, felt she’d worn it too many times herself. It was hopelessness and defeat, unable to be hidden when it felt like the world was crumbling.
It hurt to see that face yet again on another who didn’t deserve that burden.
She had searched for Ralsei to dispel that same feeling of losing control. Now, she couldn’t leave him feeling that way either. It wasn’t fair, not to him or to herself.
The prophecy was unchangeable, broken beyond repair, but maybe she could piece her friends back together, even while everything else was falling apart.
“I’m sorry, I’m crying again… I can’t help it.” He pushed a hand under his glasses to wipe his eyes and took a deep breath to try and calm himself. “I always cry.”
Susie’s eyes stung, and there was pain in her heart. She wished the world didn’t hurt him so much that he felt the need to hurt himself worse.
“No. You’re wrong.” She grabbed the sides of his face with both hands. “You tried your best to help us, to do what you thought was right, even if it meant you had to lie to protect us.”
“But my best wasn’t enough. I failed—“"
“It doesn’t matter! So what if you failed or you screwed everything up? I don’t care! You’re my friend, and you don’t have to keep proving yourself to me or to Kris. You don’t have to earn kindness, Ralsei. I’m not going anywhere, and like I already said, nobody’s getting thrown away.” She squeezed his cheeks and shook him slightly to get the point straight into his brain, then released him.
“You’re stuck with us, now, no matter what.”
Ralsei bowed his head, and with his shoulders shaking, she could guess that he had started to cry again. She thought her impromptu speech was very reassuring, so maybe it was a good type of cry.
“I’m glad to be stuck with you.” His voice wobbled and stuck in his throat.
“Aww, dude, you’re such a softie.” Susie cracked a small smile that Ralsei returned, albeit strained and teary.
Good. It was a good cry. He had needed to hear that.
It really was time to treat his cuts, though. Waiting any longer would allow the wounds to dry and stick to his bloody sleeve, and she didn’t want to hear him whining while she peeled it off.
She nudged him and led him by the shoulders to where the couch cushion was situated by a wall.
“Alright, I want to get you fixed up. Down on the, uh, cushion… bed. Thing.”
He sat down, and Susie knelt beside him, hand outstretched silently. After a moment of painful hesitation, he extended his arm.
Rolling the sleeve back first, she grabbed and inspected his forearm, turning it back and forth to assess the cuts.
Most were decently shallow and had already stopped bleeding on their own, but a few were deeper and more persistent. One cut was wider than the rest and still bleeding enough to drip onto the floor.
She should’ve cleaned him up sooner….
Hesitating for a moment more, she warned him. “Okay, I’m grabbing your arm now.”
Susie didn’t wait for his acknowledgement before covering the biggest cut with her hand and applying pressure.
Usually, when she was hurt, Susie would use a bandage or something to stop the bleeding initially, but with healing magic, she assumed this approach would work just fine.
Ralsei flinched, but did not pull away when he felt her hand press against his raw cuts.
The place where her hand touched his arm began glowing green, and she pushed healing magic into the wounds.
Looking up at him, she asked, “Feeling any better?”
He nodded and kept his head down.
Prying any further would be cruel for now. It would be best for him to decide for himself what he’d wish to share with her.
Susie moved her hand to a different cut and began healing it, too, focusing on the energy traveling through the physical connection between them.
Each cut was thoroughly closed before she moved onto the next, and every so often, she’d try to meet his eyes, silently asking why he’d felt the need to wound himself.
She began running her hand up and down his arm, feeling where open cuts had now turned into scars, invisible past his fur. Even though they were hidden, she’d always know they had been there—that something had driven him to this point before she had noticed.
He wasn’t okay, and she hadn’t caught it.
Ralsei took a slow breath in preparation to speak, and Susie gave him a small smile for encouragement. Opening up to somebody would be a good thing.
“I think I deserve pain and to be punished for my failures. That’s why I did it—why I hurt myself—I’m useless.” He spat, disrupting the momentary silence.
Damn. It hurt hearing this—like whatever she said didn’t get through his skull. He was such an idiot to not understand her at all and then continue sulking from lies he convinced himself were true. He’d been hearing what she said but not really listening to what she meant.
“We’re gonna go in circles like this, Ralsei.” Her hands stilled, and she met his gaze. “Do you trust me?”
“Of course I do. Why?”
Liar.
“Then listen to what I’ve told you. And believe it. You’re my friend, and you could be the most useless piece of crap ever, and I’d still love you. So do me a favor and stop thinking so hard, alright?”
“Susie….”
She shushed him. “And if it helps you sleep at night, you’ve been a huge help. Me and Kris might be awesome already, but we couldn’t have done any of it without you.”
Ralsei lurched forward into Susie and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, then he buried his face into her neck.
His weight collapsed entirely against her, and his hands brushed through the underside of her hair, absentmindedly running through the strands and untangling the knots that caught his fingers.
The weight pressed to her front made breathing a little more difficult, but her friend’s warmth and presence so close to her comforted her mind in a special way—her head cleared and body relaxed.
With Ralsei clinging to her this way, all soft and vulnerable, she was certain her purpose had always been to protect her friends. Maybe this was the path she’d create for herself, her own way to defy destiny’s wishes.
Susie counted at least a dozen calm breaths from Ralsei before he stirred again, though she wished he hadn’t stopped coming through her hair.
“Before you two arrived, when I was alone… I imagined becoming friends with you and how kind you would be, but I’ve found you’re nicer than I’d dared to hope.” He took a deep breath and sighed into her, and she could feel the warmth of it against her jaw.
“Thank you for staying here with me,” he sniffled.
“Quit thanking me, it’s embarrassing.” She laughed a little and then tightened her hold on Ralsei. “I’m just doing what you’d do for me, y’know? It’s… nice. Having someone care.”
“Yes, I suppose it is….” His voice was quiet, and she swore he was beginning to doze off, no doubt exhausted from his little cry earlier.
Gently rolling his sleeve back down, Susie let her gaze fall on her friend curled in her lap. He was so fragile this way. She’s never had someone put this much trust in her, never had someone need her at all.
“I’ve never had someone this close to me,” she decided to just talk without thinking. “I mean, I have Kris, of course—and you… but that’s new. I didn’t have anyone like you guys when I was younger. Nobody wants to be friends with me. And it feels good to finally have people who like me for… me, yeah? To finally have friends.
“That’s why it mattered so much when I walked in and saw you…” she exhaled as she considered her words, hands gently splayed against his back, “I saw you hurt. And you had done that to yourself. I was scared, Ralsei, I wasn’t mad at you.”
“Thank you. I understand why you felt that way, and I’m sorry for scaring you,” Ralsei said, accepting the unspoken apology she hadn’t dared to say.
He sounded so calm after everything that had just happened. Maybe there was even contentment in his voice, like he felt safe with her.
She tried not to think about how emotional this made her, the exhilaration of having someone put all of their trust quite literally into her hands, but finding herself lashing out in anger.
Ralsei had revealed the deepest parts of his mind to her, asking for her forgiveness, her kindness, the gentle side of her that she buried years ago. For him, and for Kris, she would find it.
It was difficult to tell if she wanted to laugh or to cry at this blind trust placed in her.
To be trusted with his fragile pain meant she needed to hold it carefully—needed to stop the pieces from shattering further. It was a lot of responsibility to hold him together and not injure him further.
But she could handle it. The only thing she needed was to believe in herself the way her friends did, and she trusted whatever they saw in her, even if she didn’t see it in herself yet. Susie just had to hope that her friends’ trust was not misplaced and believe she could help them in the way they needed.
It felt like Ralsei had melted into her already, all warm fur with hands tucked close to his own chest, eyes already shut and breathing steadily.
If he was about to fall asleep, then she didn’t want to be stuck uncomfortably half-sitting against the wall. Besides, she wouldn’t mind sleeping here tonight after the whole ‘running out of Kris’s house’ thing. It would only take a moment to find a comfortable position, anyway.
Ralsei was awfully soft and cuddly, to her relief, and surely wouldn’t mind if she just….
Susie flopped sideways onto the cushion, Ralsei still trapped in her arms, and laid her head down.
It wasn’t even close to comfortable. The cushion was absolutely tiny, and both their legs hung off the edge and pressed against the cold floor. There was hardly enough room for Ralsei along with her, even with the way she had pulled them together.
He was fluffy, though, so this arrangement was anything but bad.
“What are you doing?” he squeaked.
She felt Ralsei preparing to sit up and squeezed him so he couldn’t escape.
“We’re taking a nap, dumbass. I’ve got nothing better to do, and you actually look like you’re liking this,” she teased, smiling widely with her teeth bared.
Susie felt him relax against her again, accepting defeat. “Okay. I… do enjoy this.”
After releasing her hold on Ralsei and burrowing her snout into his fur, she rested her head on her arms as a substitute pillow. Suddenly, she thought of Kris and how uncomfortable they seemed when she left.
It would have been nice to have Kris squished in here with them. Maybe that could’ve cheered them up, too. Could’ve wiped that sad look off their face, even if it was only for a little while. All three of them, and they wouldn’t even have to be saving the world just to chill together.
“Um, can you put your arms around me again? It felt nice.”
Congratulations to Ralsei for interrupting her daydream by being the first person to ever request that of her.
“Has anyone ever told you how weird you are, dude? Nobody willingly asks me to crush them, especially after the first time.”
He buried his head against her and hugged her, then whispered, “Please?”
“Okay! Weirdo! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
She hugged him back, but gently.
“Now go to sleep.”
“Thank you, Susie. Goodnight.”
She waited until his breathing settled and his grip around her relaxed to kiss the top of his head and say, “Sleep well, Ralsei.”
(Art by me)