Archive of Our Own

Things were … tense. Buck could see that, could recognize it, but he couldn’t figure out how or why. Well … that’s not strictly true. He could tell it was because of Chim’s secret little brother coming into the picture. Honestly, Buck had been really excited to meet the guy. He knew they would get to be friends, and could commiserate together about Maddie and Chim being together. He wouldn’t have to be the third wheel anymore, or be caught in something between them. He wanted to talk to someone about everything, but he’d not really been on good terms with everyone for very long and didn’t want to tip the boat, so to speak. Hen had always been on his side, so he wasn’t worried about her. Their relationship was good. But Eddie and Bobby were still in that tricky almost back to normal area. 

“You good?” Eddie called, drawing Buck out of his head where he was beating the crap out of the punching bag. 

“Uh, yeah.” Buck said, wiping sweat from his head. “Fine.”

“Didn’t look fine.” Eddie argued. “So?”

“I’m just … I’m working something out. Or- I’m trying to.” Buck sighed.

“Why don’t you talk, ramble, and I’ll pitch in and see if I can help?” Eddie offered, stopping Buck from unwrapping his hands and making him line-up so they could do partner sparring. 

“Aw man.” Buck whined. “Fine, but don’t lay me out, ok?”

“I won’t.” Eddie snorted, looking amused. “So? What’s going on in that head?”

“Sibling dynamics.” Buck grunted, swinging into Eddie’s hands and hitting the blocks Eddie held up effortlessly.

“What about them?” Eddie pushed, swiping at his head.

“Everyone here,” Buck grunted, swinging again, “is either an oldest or only child.”

“Right.” Eddie nodded.

“So you agree?” Buck asked.

“Buck.” Eddie gave him a stern look. “I’m waiting for you to find your point.”

“Oh. Right.” Buck nodded to himself. “Well, it just- I don’t get it. So there’s 20 years between Chim and Albert? There’s 14 between you and Adriana.”

“I’m aware.” Eddie grunted, shoving Buck back since he’d gotten a little too close.

“There’s nine between me and Maddie.” Buck said with a hit that was probably harder than he meant it to be. “Nine. Because my big sister is nine years older than me. I have a big sister. I’m the baby of my family, but everyone else here, along with their partners, is an oldest or only child.”

“I … forgot about that.” Eddie frowned, ducking down and kicking out at Buck’s legs, forcing him to jump.

“Something everyone here seems to have done.” Buck said, breathing heavily.

“So you’re frustrated by how Albert has been treated? By how Chim has kinda blown him off and yelled at him.” Eddie asked.

“I’m frustrated because-” Buck practically shouted and stopped, backing away, rubbing a hand through his hair before pulling his shirt up and wiping his face again. He took a few breaths and turned back to look at Eddie. “Look. Albert ran from home.” Eddie nodded. “He ran from his parents, and he didn’t just pick a random direction or- or location, right? He may have never met his brother, but he knew who he was and he ran to him. But Chim just wants to send him back home or send him literally anywhere else!”

“Woah, calm down, Buck.” Eddie said, holding his hands up.

“You don’t get it, is the problem!” Buck exclaimed. “What do any of you know about when I left home? Huh? I didn’t join the Army like you, I didn’t make up a thousand businesses or inventions that never went anywhere before becoming a paramedic like Chim, who had a foster family after his mom died. I didn’t leave behind the pharmaceutical sales world like Hen did, before becoming a paramedic.”

“So what did you do?” Eddie asked curiously.

“I was Albert.” Buck said, his voice cracking as he tried to swallow his emotions down. “He is doing what I did. I got in an accident. I was run over on my motorcycle, and I was just … I was scared to go home.” Buck looked at Eddie and saw he was just watching Buck. “I was scared, Eddie. So I went to the hospital my sister worked at, hoping she could help me, maybe let me stay with her for a few days, just so I could get back on my feet and not be in a sling anymore, since I’d fucked up my arm when I’d been thrown off my bike. Except she said she couldn’t help me. She said there was nothing she could do and I needed to find my own way. She sent me away.”

“Buck-”

“That was after I hadn’t seen her in more than five years.” Buck plowed on. “She moved away when I wasn’t even in middle school yet, and she moved back when Doug got the job he wanted in Hershey, and they never told us. She never let her family know. Which, fine. Whatever, ya know? She had the life she wanted, with Doug, away from us. Cool. So I left her at the hospital, took two buses and walked half a mile to get back to our parents house. As soon as I was in the house, they were just-” Buck took a breath, “they were right there, shouting everything you could think of. How reckless I was, how stupid, what the hell was wrong with me, all of it. I couldn’t do anything but listen, for half an hour, as they told me what a disappointment I was.”

“You’re not.” Eddie argued, but Buck laughed humorlessly.

“I have been nothing but a constant disappointment to my family my entire life.” Buck shook his head. He started unwrapping his hands to give himself something else to focus on. “That is what I grew up hearing. I was a disappointment. A mistake. A waste of an education. You name it, I was probably told it. So for half an hour, I stood there and just listened to them spew their vitriol. And then I glanced out the window, and you know what?” Eddie gave him a curious look. “Maddie was there.” Buck chuckled. “I looked out the window, and her jeep was there, and she was honking the horn. So I ran. I didn’t have anything at the house, not really, so I ran and got in and she drove us a few miles away before stopping and we got out. She tossed me her keys and told me to run. But I talked, because that’s what I do. She’s my sister. My favorite person, and I knew she was hurting and scared, as much as I was. Even if I didn’t know why, I could still see it. So I asked her, ya know? I asked her to run with me. I begged her to. When we were kids we’d always talked about running away together. But she agreed, Eddie. She said ok, that she’d come with me.”

“She did?” Eddie’s voice was quiet.

“Yeah.” Buck sniffled. “She did. So we went back to her place, she said she was going to pack, hide the bag, and just tell Doug that she got a ride home from one of the other nurses because she was tired and that she’d meet me in the morning and we’d go.”

“That’s great, Buck.” Eddie said, smiling a little, but it fell when Buck looked at him.

“I got to the hospital after clearing out my dorm at the college, I was failing anyway, there was no reason for me to keep trying when classes were a nightmare for me. You know what I got, when I went in to ask where she was?” Eddie shook his head. “A note. I got a note from my sister telling me to run, to see the world. To be free.”

“Buck.” Eddie said sadly.

“I had maybe $200 to my name.” Buck laughed, feeling a little hysterical. “Two hundred bucks, man. And yeah, knowing what I know about Doug now, I guess I can see why a nurse was the one who handed over the note. Because he probably beat the crap out of her for giving me her car and trying to lie to him. But my big sister sent me away.”

“I’m sure she figured you’d be ok.” Eddie said carefully, but his eyes flicked over Buck’s shoulder briefly. Buck honestly didn’t care if they had an audience. 

“Maybe.” Buck sniffled and wiped his face off again throwing his hand wrappings on the bench he was next to. “Except she knew nothing about what high school was like for me. I had maybe two friends. If that. I didn’t know how to fit in with people. I wasn’t sociable, I didn’t know how to get people to like me. I had-” Buck took a breath and let it go slowly, blinking up at the ceiling, “I had nowhere to go. No one else to turn to. So I left. I used my $200 and kept gas in the car and drove as long and far as I could. When I ran out of gas, I worked at an auto shop for money under the table for a few days. Enough I could make it a little further down the road. And I did that for five fucking years.”

“What?” Eddie breathed out, looking like he’d been sucker punched. “Five years?”

“The first place I got a bed and consistent meals after the day Maddie sent me away, was nine months later when I made it to Coronado and signed up for SEAL training.” Buck watched Eddie. “I didn’t care if I was cut out for it or not. I needed a roof over my head, food to eat, all of those basic needs that human beings need to survive. I made it through and then moved on, city to city, state to state, because no one wanted me.”

“That- that’s not true.” Eddie shook his head, but he looked incredibly sad when he said it, as if he didn’t believe anyone would tell Buck that.

“No one. Wanted. Me.” Buck said firmly, ignoring that he started crying. “No one ever wants me. But I knew that. I learned that and I still fucking survived. I went all across the country and even to South America before coming to LA and getting lucky enough that these guys I’d met were willing to rent a room to me, ridiculously cheap, while I went through the fire academy. I wasn’t on the lease. Officially, I wasn’t actually there. I paid for shit in cash when they needed me to pitch in for utilities and rent. So I just … I’m … I’m having a hard time with what’s going on with Chimney and Albert. Because I’ve been there. I ran to my big sister, and she sent me away. Just like he is doing to his little brother.”

“Buck-” Eddie said his name but shook his head, looking like he was trying not to get upset, before walking over and starting to wail on the punching bag himself for a minute. “It wasn’t your fault.” Eddie gasped, finally stopping. 

“So?” Buck shrugged, heading for the locker room. “It’s not about who’s fault anything was. It’s about perspective. I am not letting what happened to me happen to Albert. He ran for a reason. He deserves some support, someone who- who can be for him what I never got. I am the youngest, the baby of my family. And my parents were never shy about letting me know they didn’t like me, support me, or fucking- even care about me. My big sister raised me. So I get that it’s different since Chim and Albert have never met before now. I get that, I do. But they are family. Brothers. That should mean something.”

“Buck, it’s not about you.” Eddie said, his steps hurrying after Buck toward the locker room. “None of what is happening right now is about you, ok? I know that’s what you’re seeing. You’re seeing all the similarities, but you need to see the differences.”

“I see them!” Buck exclaimed, slamming his locker shut. “I do, ok? I do see how different everything is. I get it. But it doesn’t mean I truly understand it, let alone that I can accept it.”

“Buck-”

“No, Eddie.” Buck glared at Eddie when Eddie reached for him. But when Buck glared, Eddie held his hands up in surrender. “No. You asked what was going on in my head, that’s what’s in my head right now. I ran to my big sister, and she turned me away. But when it was her turn to run, when she needed a safe place to go, I was there for her. Albert needed a place to go, so he came to his brother. And each of us is processing it differently because we all hold different standings in our family dynamics and we all have different life experiences. I talked, I got more pissed off, not relieved, now I’m going to shower and get back to work. Do not push on this. Please.” 

Buck went into the showers and just stood under the water for a little while, trying to not feel so agitated anymore. He dried off as best as he could and put all of his energy into his chores. Because he needed something to not just think about what was going on with Albert and Chimney, let alone focusing on Maddie. Every time he thought about it, he shook his head out and moved on to another task. Getting called out worked to distract him for a while. 

When they were off, Buck didn’t even say anything about Chimney coming to his place to talk to Albert, since Albert had been staying with him. Buck had done a pretty good job of not showing Albert how upset his whole situation made him. He was pretty sure, anyway, and Albert never said anything, so if he did notice anything odd, he never mentioned it. Buck was glad the Han brothers were working things out. That they were talking and that Chim was giving Albert a chance. That didn’t mean Buck was any less confused about Eddie telling him to meet him in his parking lot before taking him for a drive. It was weird, because when they did things together, Buck usually drove. He was still confused as Eddie nodded for Buck to follow him inside a building. All the signs said the offices were for various therapists or counselors, and it made Buck feel anxious and a little short of breath.

“Buck?” Eddie called his name and Buck snapped his head to Eddie, who was watching him worriedly. “You good?”

“Um, what, uh, what are we doing? Exactly, I mean?” Buck asked nervously.

“You and I are going to have a conversation.” Eddie sighed heavily. “But I’d like us to do it with … with the therapist I was mandated to see.”

“I can’t.” Buck swallowed and shook his head, already feeling anxiety spike to the surface. “Eddie, I can’t- I-”

“I’m here with you.” Eddie said gently, gripping his wrist, grounding him as he rubbed soothing circles with his thumb. “I’m here with you and I’ll be with you the whole time. You’ll never be alone with Frank, I promise.”

“Promise?” Buck croaked.

“I promise.” Eddie nodded certainly. “I know you don’t do well with therapists. I have my suspicions as to why, but that’s not why we’re here. I want to talk, and I’m sure you’ve noticed I’m really bad at doing that.”

“You’re not bad.” Buck argued, coming out of his panic a little.

“I’m pretty bad.” Eddie chuckled. “Fight club, remember?”

“I remember.” Buck grinned, ducking his head. “Not that it makes you feel better, but you’re in awesome shape.”

“Thanks.” Eddie smiled, shaking his head. 

“You are!” Buck exclaimed, leaning into the distraction. “I mean, have you looked in a mirror? You’re more ripped than when you first got assigned to us. You’ve got the whole dark, brooding, hot, mysterious thing going for you. I bet you could totally pick me up now.”

“That something you want me to do?” Eddie smirked at him. “What was it you asked? Oh yeah, wanna go for the title?”

“You could take me in a heartbeat.” Buck snorted. “Anything I would do, if we fought, would be entirely on the defensive, and would only end because I’m faster. I can run. I’ve got a longer stride than you, and I would definitely use it to my advantage in running away.”

“Yeah, well,” Eddie chuckled, “if you weren’t six feet two, with most of that being legs, I might have a chance.”

“You corner me, I’m done for. You get us in the open, I’m gone like a shot, man.” Buck grinned. 

“Mr. Diaz, head on back.” The secretary said, nodding back toward the office. 

“That’s our cue.” Eddie said quietly, putting a hand in the middle of Buck’s back and leading him back. “Deep breath, ok?” Buck nodded and sucked in a breath as Eddie stepped inside and kept a hand on him as they moved to a couch. Buck kind of … clung to Eddie. He sat right next to him, not exactly in his lap, but pretty close. Frank didn’t say anything, though. Not about how Buck was sitting, nor about Eddie bringing someone in.

“You must be Evan.” Frank said, giving him a smile.

“Buck.” Buck agreed. “Evan Buckley, I mean. Yes. That- that’s me.”

“Alright, Buck. I’m Frank. I’m just here to more or less guide the conversation.”

“Right.” Buck bit his lip and looked at Eddie. 

“You don’t know why you’re here, do you?” Frank asked interestedly.

“Man, therapist offices make me anxious like you wouldn’t believe, and I’ve been hella stressed with other shit for over a week.” Buck huffed. 

“Because you were assaulted by your last therapist?” Frank asked carefully.

“That was inconclusive.” Buck argued. “Or undecided. Something like that.”

“It was SA, Buck.” Eddie said gently.

“It’s also not why I’m here right now.” Buck countered. “You asked me to come for a drive, not telling me what we were doing. So. I’m here. But not to talk about my past issues with a therapist.”

“No. No, we’re not.” Eddie sighed. “Look, can you and I just pretend we’re having a conversation?”

“Fine.” Buck agreed. “Do what I do and start talking before I get closer to an anxiety or panic attack and start pacing and feeling like I’m going to tear my hair out.”

“I wanted to talk to you about when you ran away from home.” Eddie sighed, shifting until he was pretty much facing Buck on the couch, their legs still touching, though, because if Eddie moved too far Buck might just have a panic attack. “You were right. I ran to the Army. But not because I didn’t want to go to college. Was I escaping my family? Yeah, a little.”

“You were running from Shannon.” Buck stated, biting his nail. “You were freaked out about having a kid, so you did what you saw a dad do. You ran to a stable job, steady income, good insurance, all that crap.”

“I did.” Eddie grinned. “But running is still running, right?”

“No.” Buck frowned at him. “Yeah, the action is the same, but the reasons and directions matter. I had nowhere to go other than away.”

“She asked for a divorce.” Eddie rushed out. Buck’s jaw kinda stuck open in a gape. “Before she died, when I thought we were getting back together, like we were actually going to try again, to be a couple, she asked me for a divorce.”

“That’s really fucked up, Eds.” Buck said bluntly.

“Not really.” Eddie grinned at him weakly. “I … I was a terrible partner.”

“What? No you’re not. You’re a great partner. You always have my back. And I have yours. We’re just … too stubborn sometimes to tell each other that we need something.” Buck wobbled his head. “For a while, anyway.”

“I never really accepted Shannon back as my partner. I accepted her back in my life as my son’s mother. I even said that to her face and never thought about what it meant. We went to the beach and I asked her if I could just enjoy the day with my son and his mother. Not my son and my wife.”

“Oh.” Buck blinked at him. “That, uh, maybe wasn’t the right thing to say.”

“I ran first.” Eddie said quietly. “I ran first, and then I held it against her when she ran next. That she left us after I’d done that to her.”

“Ok.” Buck frowned.

“You ran when your sister sent you away with her keys and a fucking wish. But when she ran next, you accepted her back into your life so easily.”

“It wasn’t easily.” Buck shook his head. “We both overlooked a lot of shit, not talking to each other about what happened in our time apart, just what we were doing or feeling after being reunited.”

“I know.” Eddie nodded. “Shannon and I did the same.”

“I’m … I’m confused.” Buck scratched his head. “Are you saying you and your wife treated each other the same as me and my sister?”

“Yes, Buck.” Eddie grinned. “When you spewed everything the other day, just what you were thinking, it all sounded, emotionally, the same as me and Shannon. I was so sure that what we had was love, that it was a romantic relationship.”

“But really you were just horny and felt comfortable falling back into bed over having a conversation?” Buck offered.

“It had been almost three years, Buck.” Eddie rubbed at his face.

“Right.” Buck agreed.

“Same amount of time as it had been since you talked to your sister.” Eddie pointed out. “I fell into things with Shannon because they were familiar. Not because we were in love with each other or trusted each other. Maddie showed up and you let her fuss over you and fall back in your life, but not because you trusted each other. Because it was familiar.”

“Alright.” Buck frowned.

“I need-” Eddie groaned and stood up, shaking his arms out a little before turning around a few times, stopping in front of Buck again, “I need to understand why I trust you over anyone. I trust you, over my own fucking family, Buck, my own parents, to take care of my kid. I have never had to stop myself from interfering in what you two do together. I’ve never been worried about you being alone together, or what you’re feeding him, none of it. I trust you more than I trusted his mother.”

“You do?” Buck asked, feeling a smile creep onto his face. 

“I do.” Eddie dropped back down beside him. “You kept him safe, have always kept him safe, while still letting him do shit on his own, challenge himself. You wait for him to ask for help, you don’t hover or treat him like he’s gonna break.”

“He’s not.” Buck argued, irritated on Christopher’s behalf. “So he has to do things a little differently? That’s not-”

“I know.” Eddie laughed, cutting him off. “I know. You also somehow look more like his dad than I do. You are amazing with him. I trust you implicitly. I ran to war because I was terrified of what I had to be with Shannon. I’ve … never felt that same terror when the three of us are together.”

“I mean, I hope you’d tell me if you weren’t comfortable.” Buck frowned. “You’re my best friend, and I’ve never had one of those before.”

“Me neither.” Eddie smiled.

“Eddie, let’s try something.” Frank cut in, drawing their attention. 

“Ok?” Eddie looked at Frank curiously. 

“What is your favorite beach memory?” Frank asked.

“Taking Buck and Chris maybe two months after the tsunami.” Eddie said with a shrug. “They both wanted to get back to the beach, to enjoy the ocean again; to not be afraid of it. So we went. As-” Eddie snickered and Buck scowled at him, “as soon as Buck stepped in the water, just at the edge, seaweed washed up and he shrieked so loud, oh my god.”

“It was gross!” Buck exclaimed. “It was warm and decaying and just wrapped around my foot and ankle! Oh my god now I’m imagining it and feeling it again.” Buck groaned and shook his legs out, stomping his feet a little, but Eddie laughed more. 

“Chris-” Eddie gasped, still laughing, “Chris laughed so hard he fell over and completely demolished the sand castle he’d been building for the past hour.”

“I had to shower for an hour to get rid of the feel of that crap.” Buck groaned.

“Right.” Frank accepted, giving them a small smile. “What’s your favorite update you’ve gotten while Buck was with Christopher?”

“I don’t know.” Eddie sighed, finally calming down. “I mean, I don’t know that I have one, he sends them every time they do something. I get pictures of them walking down the street, at the zoo, getting burgers and fries, even just feeding ducks at the park. Oh, actually,” Eddie dug his phone out and Buck leaned over to see what he was doing and he snorted when Eddie pulled up the video and passed it over to Frank to share it, “I was on an extra shift and they sent this to me.” Frank played the video and chuckled as it played. It was a stupid video, but it was a lot of fun to make. Chris and Buck were in the kitchen and Chris screamed into a pot before slamming the lid on it. Buck was over his shoulder and Chris lifted the lid and the ‘I Feel Good’ song played and the two of them had nodded their heads and dropped sunglasses onto their faces. “I don’t know how they came up with it, but everyone got a kick out of it.”

“We found the idea online.” Buck snorted. 

“So.” Frank handed Eddie his phone back. “Why did you want to bring Buck in today?”

“To try and open up.” Eddie shrugged. “I … I have a hard time doing that.”

“Scientifically speaking,” Buck said, nudging Eddie’s knee with his, “as first responders, our brains are actually wired differently. Our emotional response and reaction areas-”

“Buck.” Frank said, giving him a small smile as he stopped him. “While it is true that people commonly in first responder fields do not have the same ability to express emotions, it is still possible to a degree.”

“Um,” Buck glanced at Eddie who was scowling at Frank irritatedly, “Eddie doesn’t really like when people interrupt me. Aside from him.”

“I’m aware.” Frank nodded. “However, what Eddie said is only partially true. He has had a hard time opening up. But he’s gotten better. What was an issue you were dealing with earlier this week? Something about siblings?”

“Everyone I- we, I mean, work with is an oldest or only child.” Buck licked his lips. “Everyone but me. I’m the youngest. My big sister is nine years older than me. And her partner has a younger brother. Which we learned a week ago. There’s 20 years between them, though. Because his dad remarried and had Albert when he went back to Korea. So Albert showed up, out of the blue, and Chimney … Chimney was pissed. He hadn’t told anyone he had any family before. I knew because Maddie told me about the dinner she was making that Albert showed up during. After her issues with Doug, how he managed to show up out here and get as close as he did, we started talking more. Really talking. It’s just … with everything Chim said about his brother showing up, I guess I was just expecting Maddie to say something. To …  I don’t know, maybe admit that her baby brother turned up in her ER and she sent him away, so if Chimney was going to do that, then don’t do it the way she did. Something.”

“Maybe she didn’t say anything because you’re here.” Frank suggested. “Maybe she feels guilty about what she did to you, so while she calms her partner down, she’s trusting you to help his brother. Does she know what happened after you left?”

“No, which is part of what I ranted to Eddie about the other day.” Buck sighed. “I lived out of the car Maddie gave me for the better part of five, almost six years. What good is telling her about any of what happened back then going to do for us now? I’ve been in my current apartment for around nine months. Maybe ten. Before that I lived in my girlfriend’s apartment, and got harassed by everyone for holding onto someone who’d clearly ghosted me. Not important. Um. Eddie and I talked about sibling dynamics. Because he’s an oldest. He’s 7 years older than his sister Sophia, and 14 older than Adriana. I think … I think he’s been struggling with several things from my verbal diarrhea about it all though. That my sister and I never actually talked about what happened when I left home, that he could never imagine turning his sister’s away if they were in need at any point, and that my parents are alive.”

“Why do you say that?” Frank looked between them.

“Because in the years I’ve been in LA, working as a firefighter, no one ever knew I had living, biological, family until Maddie showed up.” Buck turned to look at Eddie, whose fists were clenched together. “I have never once mentioned having living parents. Not to Bobby, Hen, or Chimney. Hen knew about Maddie, but that’s it. Eddie started working with us at the same time Maddie showed up. But I know he’s pissed. His parents showed up for Shannon’s funeral, even if they spent the entire time telling him to give up a job he loved, and people who were there for and supported him and Christopher. They spent the wake telling him that he wasn’t good enough as a single parent. And then I was blown up. And the only people I had were the ones who were already here in the city.”

“They didn’t even call!” Eddie blurted out. “Yes, my parents were being assholes the whole time, telling me they needed to take Christopher, but they were here. They showed up. Your parents are alive, and they weren’t here. Not for Maddie when Doug attacked, and not for you when you were blown up.”

“See?” Buck gestured to Eddie, while looking at Frank, but Frank was looking at him. 

“You knew they wouldn’t.” Frank said, still watching him.

“I was in and out of doctors offices my entire life.” Buck shrugged. “Because I learned when I got hurt, they paid attention. Except they never made it into the office or hospital. Never past the parking lot.”

“Buck.” Eddie made a wounded noise, but Buck kept looking at Frank.

“When did it start?” Frank asked.

“When I was around five, maybe six already, I don’t really remember.” Buck admitted. “I wanted to learn how to ride a bike because all the other kids were going to be riding their bikes in first grade. I didn’t have one and I didn’t know how to ride. I’d asked for one for weeks. So Maddie was home and … and she agreed to teach me. She was 15, she shouldn’t have been responsible for it. She found an old bike in the garage. It was definitely a boys bike, had a name on the back, too, but I don’t really remember it. She spent hours with me on it, and I got it. I made it to the end of the block, nearly got run over before I managed to turn around, and then crashed at the curb in front of our house. Our parents came out, but it was strange. They didn’t freak out about me, they freaked out about the bike. Mom saw the bike and it was like she was looking at a ghost. Maddie patched me up, and then dad was there with pizza and a promise to get me my own bike. Which he did.”

“They conditioned you to earn their affection through self-harm.” Frank said, looking a little horrified and sad. 

“It was all I knew for the next 14-ish years. Especially since Maddie moved away when I was 11 or so. I fucked up a lot my first year as a firefighter, because I didn’t know how to fit in. I still don’t really know how to do that. Because I’ve only ever had to fit in somewhere for a week or a few weeks; long enough to get a couple paychecks before moving on. Yes, I was conditioned. But I don’t do that anymore.”

“Close your eyes for me, Buck.” Frank said quietly. Buck tensed up, but Eddie put a hand on his arm and steadied him. It took him a minute, but he eventually did it, letting out a shaky breath. “Let’s go back in time. It’s a nice day, you and your sister are on the street in front of your house, and she’s taken the training wheels off your bike. What color was it?”

“Red.” Buck said certainly, even if his voice cracked from the anxiety he was feeling having his eyes closed. “Black handlebar grips and seat. It had one of those souvenir license plate things that had a name on it zip-tied under the back of the seat.”

“It wasn’t Maddie’s name, though.” Frank added. “It was something else, something longer. A boy’s name.”

“Daniel.” Buck muttered, opening his eyes and frowning. “It … the name was Daniel.”

“Very good.” Frank gave him a proud look. “So. Who was Daniel?”

“Not sure.” Buck shrugged, but he wasn’t exactly telling the truth. Which Frank must have sensed.

“You never looked?” Frank pushed.

“I mean,” Buck bit his lip but Eddie leaned more against him and he didn’t feel as anxious and he let out a breath, “sort of? I saw the name once before.”

“When?”

“In my medical records.” Buck admitted. “I got a copy when I was recovering from the bombing and then got the screws and rod out, wanting to see what was all there. Morbid curiosity, I guess, wondering what my hospital stay count was up to. When I was a baby, like, maybe a year old, I had surgery to give something to him. I don’t know what HSCT is, though.”

“HSCT is a type of bone marrow transplant.” Frank frowned. “It’s often done between siblings or parents when one is diagnosed with cancer.”

“Huh.” Buck couldn’t really say anything else about it. “Maddie wasn’t ever sick. I know she wasn’t. But …”

“But?” Frank encouraged.

“Hypothetically,” Buck licked his lips, feeling like he was on the verge of something, “if they had another kid, if Daniel had been one of their kids before me, then … my parents are the only ones who could sign off on something like that. Which would mean …” Buck took a breath and tried to just focus on Eddie pressed to his side, solid and steady, “it would mean they only had me to heal him. Like I was Anna Fitzgerald. And when he died, they spent the next 18 years of my life holding it against me. So when I told Eddie that nothing I ever did was good enough for them, that I was a constant disappointment, that means there was a time it wasn’t true. When Daniel died, they blamed me and still blame me every day for living longer than he got the chance to. And Maddie would have known.”

“You think your sister would keep something like this from you?” Eddie asked quietly.

“You wouldn’t?” Buck arched an eyebrow at his partner. “Did you ever tell your sisters about how much you were yelled at when you scratched up your dad’s old truck to try and take your mom to the hospital when she went into labor with Adriana?”

“That’s not the same thing.” Eddie argued. 

“You are an oldest kid, Eddie. All you know how to do is take care of other people. Your sisters, your mom, now Chris. You are responsible for them, or you were when they were younger. Your dad told you to man up, so you did, the only way you knew how. You protected your sisters while letting your parents talk crap to your face about what they thought of your life. If my parents convinced Maddie that I didn’t need to know about a brother who died, she was already susceptible to manipulation. Making it easier for Doug to swoop in and take her away. She spent the next 15 years trapped with him, because she knew how to keep secrets already. She thought she was protecting me, but all she was doing was hurting herself. You think you are protecting your sisters and Christopher by keeping what your parents tell you to yourself. No, I’m not saying Chris needs to know what your parents say to you, not exactly. But your sisters would be on your side. You raised them. They’d listen and make their own decisions and trust you.”

“Like you and Maddie.” Eddie said quietly. 

“If Maddie came in right now, and confessed to knowing we had a brother that I was made to save and failed, she would be in tears. She would be upset that I learned about him on my own and would tell me it wasn’t our parents fault they were absent and neglectful. She’d say they just got caught in their grief and that’s why she took care of me. She’d remind me of our phrase. Our motto.” Buck shrugged.

“What’s the motto?” Frank asked curiously.

“They aren’t bad people.” Buck said quietly, looking at Frank before turning to look at Eddie, “just bad parents.”

“How long has that been your motto?” Eddie asked.

“As long as I can remember.” Buck shrugged. “Maybe they aren’t bad people. But if they hadn’t been my parents, I know I wouldn’t have purposely interacted with them. Which is why I’ve talked to them once since I left home. And that was less than a year ago, when Maddie was hurt. I called, they actually fucking answered the phone, and I gave them Maddie’s number and asked them to call her.”

“You called before?” Eddie frowned.

“I called every week until I turned 21. I called for two straight years.” Buck nodded. “They never answered. I left messages, updates about where I was, but they never answered or picked up the phone. I’ve talked to them once in nine years. I’ve talked to my parents one time in the time you found out you were having a kid.”

“Alright, gentlemen, homework.” Frank sighed. “Eddie, I want you to look at the differences in Buck and Shannon, leaving their genders out of the equation, and compare them as your partner.”

“Why?” Eddie frowned.

“Because if Buck was a woman, I have a feeling you would have already moved on from your wife and it would be with him.” Frank said, his face carefully blank. “You grew up in a place where queer relationships were most likely talked about horribly and your family religion would have added to the guilt of finding men attractive.”

“So you want me to compare my partners.” Eddie said, looking confused. “Compare Shannon and Buck? I already said I trusted Buck more than her.”

“You did. And I want you to write down why. I want you to look at your different relationships, hell, add in the people you work with. Hen, Chimney, Bobby, everyone. Carla, your grandmother and aunt. Your sisters. Look at your different relationships and see what’s there, what you feel about them.” Frank said encouragingly. “Buck, I think you and your sister, and even Chimney and Albert, should have a conversation. They don’t understand where you’re coming from, where all the anxiety and stress you’ve been feeling is coming from. They don’t know what happened when you left home.”

“I can try.” Buck scratched his head. “But I’ll probably end up yelling.”

“So get everyone together, get a little drunk, and run your mouth.” Frank shrugged. “Only you know how this situation has made you feel. Eddie’s your partner, and he sought you out to learn about your life. Bring him with you, if you need to. If having him there makes it easier, have him there.”

“I’ll … I’ll try.” Buck reluctantly agreed. 

“And then,” Frank said, making both men look up at him again, “I want you both back here in two weeks.”

“Both of us?” Buck asked in confusion. “You’re Eddie’s therapist, though.”

“Consider it partner therapy.” Frank offered. “From everything I can see, you both fell into more than just a work partnership. You spend time together outside of work, you both take care of Christopher together, but neither of you have looked at what that means for your family dynamic.”

“Huh?” Buck looked at Eddie who was frowning in confusion as well.

“You are both single young men. And you are raising a child together.” Frank pointed out. “You share days out together and split time with Eddie’s son. You’ve fallen into a domestic partnership as much as a work partnership.”

“So adding in that Buck makes dinner for us some nights makes it sound like we’re dating without knowing we’re dating.” Eddie said, his brow furrowed in confusion. “You said I was hot.”

“Yeah.” Buck shrugged. “I can admit when someone is physically attractive. Gender has no relevance. A hot ass is a hot ass, man.”

“Two weeks.” Frank cut in. “But right now our time is up.”

“Thanks for doing this.” Eddie said, standing up and pulling Buck with him. Eddie was smiling, though, and looking like he was trying not to laugh, Probably at Buck’s parting words. 

“No problem. Go try and unwind a little.” Frank nodded toward his door. 

They went back to Eddie’s house when they were out the door. The drive was quiet, and neither of them wanted to interrupt it. Just thinking about everything. Once they were inside the house, Buck rummaged through Eddie’s fridge and pulled out ingredients to make street tacos and even made a pitcher of margaritas. Pepa and Abuela came by with Chris and started helping while Chris talked to his dad at the table. Both women started arguing with Buck while he cooked, but he argued back, making them laugh. Buck’s Spanish wasn’t close to theirs, but he’d been working on it more. He had used it a little after getting to LA and being assigned to the 118, but he wanted to be better so he and Eddie could talk without Chim or Hen overhearing, let alone knowing what they were talking about. Eddie usually ended up in giggle fits when Buck said something, though, before correcting him or cheering him on. 

Eddie had a notepad out and was making his list already, apparently. Or starting it. Whichever. So Buck, Abuela, and Pepa set the dining table and moved their party in there to eat when it was time. Buck rolled his eyes when Abuela called him a good spouse, but Chris cackled and Eddie snorted some of his margarita. Buck just said Eddie wishes he could land him, and smiled as Abuela and Pepa howled with laughter. Eddie rolled his eyes, but he was smiling as Chris cheered. It was a good night. A really good night, that left Buck messaging Albert that he wouldn’t be back to the loft because he and Eddie got a little too drunk on margaritas. Albert sent him an eye rolling emoji and said next time he expected an invite. Eddie shrugged when Buck showed it to him, so he looked at their work calendar, having to blink several times since it wasn’t all that steady, before texting that there would be a Buckly-Han-Diaz dinner and drinks night at Eddie’s in a week. He got some responses, but didn’t look at them before crashing on the couch, Eddie falling onto the other side, not able to make it the short trip to his room without toppling over. 

So maybe Buck was a little heavy handed with the tequila in his second batch. 

/////

Buck woke up to sun pounding into his head and Christopher snickering. When he finally peeled his eyes open, he saw the kid taking pictures on one of their phones before plopping down on some cushions in front of the tv and turning on cartoons. Buck untangled his legs from Eddie and stumbled to his feet and down the hall. He needed pain relievers, Eddie would too. So he brushed his teeth, took some, then put some on the table in front of Eddie since he was sitting up and had his face in his hands. Buck started some coffee, and picked up Eddie’s phone, which was plugged in in the kitchen. There was a message from Abuela saying they were coming to breakfast because she apparently saw how Buck was mixing their drinks the night before and knew they wouldn’t be very functional. Eddie looked over Buck’s shoulder and grunted his agreement as he grabbed a mug for each of them. 

“You shower, I’ll shower, and we’ll head over.” Eddie rasped, his voice still deep from sleep.

“I’ll tell Chris.” Buck sighed, slamming his coffee back and leaving the kitchen. “Chris, get dressed. We’re going to Abuela’s for breakfast.” He frowned and looked at the time on the clock on the wall. They’d slept later than either of them intended to, which was probably why Chris took pictures of them passed out on the couch. “Brunch.”

“Sweet!” Chris exclaimed, nearly plowing Buck over as he passed him in the hall. Buck got some clothes from Eddie’s room and ran through a shower, leaving it on when he was done as he stepped out, having heard the door open while he was in. Eddie was slouched on the toilet seat, looking like he was going to go back to sleep. When he blinked up at Buck, he yawned and got up, slipping past and stripping as he stepped into the shower. Buck scratched his head as he tossed his clothes in the wash after leaving the bathroom. Because that had been pretty … domestic. And practiced. Like they’d done it a hundred times. He couldn’t actually remember a time they hadn’t done things like that, though.

Buck took the keys from Eddie as they were finally leaving the house and headed across the city. Buck didn’t even think about Chris having his phone, he didn’t care. They had Eddie’s hooked up to the truck, but the radio was off because Buck and Eddie were both recovering from getting carried away. Buck wasn’t awake enough to try to interpret what Abuela was pestering Eddie about when they got there, though. Eddie rolled his eyes when she wasn’t looking, making Buck grin, before mouthing ‘Frank’s homework’ to him. Buck nodded and figured Eddie would switch to English if he wanted Buck’s attention for anything. 

Work was normal. Really normal, actually. Buck was a little confused by how normal it was. Because it seemed like everyone, literally everyone, was acting how they had before the whole lawsuit debacle. The B-shift guys were even cheery and telling Buck hi when they came in. Chim was talking happily about things he and Albert were learning about each other, how they were connecting now that they were able to have conversations in person. Maddie rambled about how it was adorable and kinda reminded her of them. It was … weird. Eddie only shrugged when Buck looked at him questioningly. 

It was still a surprise, on the night they were going to have their drinks and dinner when Hen, Karen, Bobby, and Athena showed up at Eddie’s place with the Buckley-Han group. It was a surprise, because Buck and Eddie were under the impression that Chris was with Hen and Karen to spend the night with Denny.

“May’s with them.” Hen shrugged. “Along with Linda, she works at dispatch with Maddie. She’s more just there supervising, keeping the boys from staying up crazy late and eating too much sugar.”

“I didn’t set this up in a chat with just Maddie, Chim, and Albert, did I?” Buck scratched his head.

“You sent it to our A-shift groupchat.” Bobby chuckled. “The only ones who didn’t know we were coming were you and Eddie because you’ve been a little distracted.”

“Therapy.” Buck sighed. 

“You … you went to therapy?” Bobby asked, looking a little worried.

“I sort of blindsided him into coming with me.” Eddie cut in. “So we did a partner session, now we have another one next week.”

“Eddie promised not to leave me alone at any point.” Buck added. “I think I only got close to a panic attack twice.”

“Three times.” Eddie argued. “Pretty sure you dissociated in the elevator. So I count that.”

“Ah, yeah, I don’t really remember getting to the desk.” Buck nodded.

“But you’re ok?” Bobby asked, putting a hand on Buck’s shoulder.

“Think so.” Buck nodded. “We both got homework, though, and Eddie’s still working on his.”

“I think I’m done with it, but I need to talk it out.” Eddie scrunched his nose up. “Frank’s right, queer relationships were definitely not accepted in Catholic west Texas. Abuela helped some.”

“Queer relationships?” Karen asked interestedly. 

“Ok, why don’t we all sit down to eat instead of standing in the entryway like weirdos.” Buck interrupted. “Hope you guys are good with eggplant parmesan.”

“Buck’s is good.” Eddie agreed. “And he made plenty since he was planning to send all the leftovers with his sister.”

“Sounds perfect.” Athena shrugged, gesturing for Buck and Eddie to lead the way. Buck went and got a few more plates out, and Eddie got another bottle of wine and some of the flavored carbonated waters Buck kept around the house, for Bobby. 

“Eddie make any of this?” Chim asked cautiously, smirking when Eddie flipped him off.

“Eddie made the salad.” Buck chuckled. “The vinaigrette is Pepa’s recipe, so it’s awesome.”

“I helped Buck with the noodles, too.” Eddie argued. “He insisted on making them from scratch, so that took a little while. Chris thought it was fun.”

“So. Partner therapy?” Athena asked curiously.

“I sort of … cornered Buck at work after Albert showed up and Chim blew up at the bar.” Eddie sighed. “I could tell something was wrong, but not what. I offered to take over for the punching bag so he could talk out what was in his head.”

“Which I overheard part of.” Chim admitted. “Wasn’t trying to eavesdrop or anything. But I was also worried.”

“I just needed to get it out.” Buck shrugged. “I couldn’t really work out why I was so anxious or frustrated, and talking to Eddie while we swung at each other made it easier to … get the thoughts and words on track together.”

“So?” Maddie encouraged. “This is amazing, by the way.”

“Thanks.” Buck grinned. “Um. Well.” He blew a raspberry, but Eddie put a hand on his thigh to ground him. “It kinda started about sibling dynamics.”

“Only child.” Hen waved her fork.

“Same.” Athena nodded. 

“Oldest of two boys.” Bobby admitted quietly.

“Oldest.” Maddie said, looking around at everyone curiously.

“Oldest of six.” Karen shrugged.

“Oldest of three.” Eddie squeezed Buck’s knee. “My sisters are seven and 14 years younger than me.”

“Big gap.” Chim blinked at Eddie.

“You can keep your 20 year difference.” Eddie snorted, grinning when Albert nodded to him. 

“Fair.” Chim snickered.

“Wait,” Maddie looked around, “you’re … everyone you work with is an oldest or only child.” 

“They are.” Buck agreed. “I’m the baby. You’re older than me by nine years. And … I was having a hard time associating the known fact of everyone’s familial standing with what that means for me and even Albert.”

“Eat.” Eddie interrupted. “Eat, and talk after you swallow, because otherwise you won’t eat.”

“Anyway,” Buck rolled his eyes, “I pointed out to Eddie that no one knew anything about me before I started as a firefighter.”

“We don’t.” Hen agreed.

“We also never asked.” Chim added.

“I only asked once.” Bobby commented. “When I found out I was Buck’s emergency contact after the emergency tracheotomy. I told him he needed someone other than me.”

“Except that was more than three years ago and I know it’s still you.” Athena argued.

“I’m the primary still, yes, but Eddie and Maddie are additional contacts.” Bobby chuckled.

“But no one ever pushed about my parents.” Buck stated after inhaling a few bites. “The thing is,” Buck picked up his wine and looked at Maddie, “I’ve talked to them one time in nine years.”

“What?” Maddie’s fork froze halfway between her mouth and her plate. “You’re kidding, right?”

“No.” Buck said carefully. He took a drink and put his glass back down. “I called them once a week until I turned 21, only leaving messages before stopping because they never answered. I called when Doug showed up, they answered, and I gave them your number. That was almost a year ago now.”

“I-” Maddie cleared her throat and shook her head, setting her fork back on her plate, “I don’t understand.”

“You are the only family I’ve seen, talked to, or had in my life in almost a decade.” Buck said carefully. “And the last time we saw each other, face to face, before you were here in LA, was when you gave me your keys and told me to leave. When you sent me away.”

“So you-,” Maddie took a second, took a pretty decent drink of her wine before putting it down again and staring at her plate before looking up and meeting his eyes. “When you saw Chim wanting to turn Albert away, you were back in Hershey, barely 19 years old, hearing your big sister tell you that she couldn’t run away with you, but that you needed to go?”

“Yeah.” Buck nodded. Albert had been pretty quiet the whole time, just watching everyone interestedly. 

“Which is why you let me stay with you.” Albert pitched in. “Because you’d run from home but had nowhere to go before.”

“Exactly.” Buck breathed out in relief. “Exactly, yes. I just … I can only imagine what happened when Doug realized you gave me your car keys, especially because it was me. I know you thought you were protecting me, but where did you think I went? When I left? I had maybe $200 to my name, no credit cards, nothing of value to trade or pawn for cash or gas.”

“I might have,” Maddie cleared her throat and picked her fork up again, “deluded myself into thinking you were fine with each new postcard I got.”

“Because you needed to think I was ok.” Buck agreed. “I didn’t know what was happening back then, but I knew that you didn’t need to worry about me, to try to protect me.”

“I’ll always try to protect you.” Maddie scoffed. “You’re my baby brother.”

“I’m your only brother.” Buck snorted, catching the wince Maddie tried to hide. Eddie squeezed his leg and shook his head slightly, but Buck pursed his lips. “Anyway, I was just really stressed and I wanted to clear the air between the Buckleys, Hans, and Diazes, because everyone was anxious and worried in their own way. I kinda closed off, and that’s never good for anyone.”

“A quiet Buck is a dangerous Buck.” Athena said, winking at him. 

“I thought it was a bored Buck is dangerous?” Buck grinned.

“Bored, quiet, grumpy, sad, all of the above.” Eddie mumbled into his wine glass. Buck flicked a piece of salad at him. 

“Don’t be an asshole.” Buck grumbled.

“I’m your partner.” Eddie grinned. “I can’t be nice to you all the time.”

“So what all did you do?” Albert asked curiously.

“Lots of things.” Buck shrugged. “I was a mechanic, a busboy, roadwork crew, SEAL, ranch hand, bartender, you name it, I’ve probably done it.”

“You weren’t a stripper.” Eddie pointed out, snickering when Buck kicked him under the table.

“I don’t have rhythm. Sue me.” Buck flipped him off. 

“How long did you do all that?” Hen asked interestedly.

“Kinda depended on the day.” Buck shrugged. “Usually stuck around in one place for a week to a few months before having enough money to move on. SEAL training was long, but I got barracks out of it. And there was a bunk room when I worked on the ranch. Even if I was in the fields more than I was at the ranch. Got staff lodging in Peru at the resort I worked at. They just took my payment out of my check, which was fine. That was the longest I was in one place, though. Was there for a year.”

“Buck,” Maddie said carefully, watching him closely, “honey, where did you stay for each of your jobs?”

“Where else?” Buck tilted his head. “The jeep.”

“You didn’t get a motel?” Karen frowned, looking between them.

“Motels cost money up front.” Buck pointed out. “I could get a campsite or park the jeep somewhere for a few nights a week and use the money I was paid to get food and pay for a gym so I had showers to use. I lived in a car for the better part of five years, maybe six, before I got a house with some guys when I got to LA. Unofficially. My name wasn’t on the lease or utilities.”

“So when you asked about my apartment-,” Maddie swallowed thickly.

“It was because I didn’t know how to get one.” Buck nodded. “To get a place, you usually need some sort of credit history or previous address. Abby’s place was in her name, not mine. And I was only in the house with the other guys for, like, ten months. Ali helped me get the loft, and Hen showed me how to apply and do all that crap.”

“Sorry for not thinking about it that way.” Maddie said apologetically. 

“You were pretty much running for your life.” Buck pointed out. “Not something you need to apologize for.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, Evan.” Maddie pointed her fork at him.

“Who the fuck is Evan?” Albert said in confusion, making everyone crack up. He just looked more confused, though.

“Evan Buckley.” Buck chuckled. “Go by Buck, though.”

“Oh my god, how many of you go by nicknames?” Albert groaned. “Howard is Chimney, apparently, but Evan is Buck? Really?”

“What’s Maddie short for?” Bobby asked curiously.

“Nothing.” Buck snorted and Maddie chuckled. 

“Maddie is the name on my birth certificate.” Maddie said happily. “Unlike literally all of you aside from Karen and Athena.”

“Bobby,” Bobby chuckled, “short for Robert.”

“Technically Henrietta,” Hen said, “but nobody calls me that if they don’t want a violent reaction.”

“Eddie?” Albert asked, looking at him, but Eddie took a long, slow drink of his wine.

“Don’t be a brat, Edmundo.” Buck smirked. 

“I will suffocate you in your sleep.” Eddie said flatly.

“You won’t, because then you’d have to deal with Chris griping that he doesn’t get actual food for breakfast anymore.” Buck snickered.

“Cereal counts as food.” Eddie argued.

“I’m good with Albert.” Albert interrupted. “Please don’t come up with a nickname for me.”

“For a while.” Hen grinned, winking at him. “Your big brother is my partner, so you’ll inevitably end up with a nickname.”

“Super.” Albert sighed defeatedly, making everyone laugh again.

“Can we get back to Eddie threatening to suffocate my brother in his sleep?” Maddie asked, looking at them both innocently over her wine glass. “And apparently the fact he makes breakfast here consistently enough Christopher expects it?”

“Eddie did mention queer relationships earlier.” Karen added. 

“I set up the appointment with Frank to try and talk to Buck in a more … controlled environment. About family dynamics and how he felt about it all and to kinda share my own issues.” Eddie admitted. “So he talked and I may have told him how pissed I was that he has living parents who couldn’t even be bothered to call him while he was in the hospital, while mine showed up for Shannon’s funeral trying to get me to give them custody of my son.”

“What?!” several people exclaimed.

“Buck ran his mouth and told me his parents saw him as a constant disappointment. But he said it like it was just a fact. Like it … like it didn’t bother him. And it made me think about my own relationship with my parents. Nothing I ever did was good enough. It felt-” Eddie paused and finished his wine before setting the glass down. He stood up when he couldn’t sit still and put his hands on the back of Buck’s chair. “It always felt crushing to me. I tried, so fucking hard, to be what they told me to be. What they said I needed to be. But I always fell short. Always. And hearing Buck talk about his life, it made me realize that I don’t need their approval. I will probably never be what they want me to be. But I’m exactly who Chris needs me to be. Same with you guys. I can’t spend my life trying to meet their unreachable standards. I can’t worry about what they want for me while also trying to show Chris that being an adult, a parent, can be fun. I can’t find a romantic partner based on what my parents’ expectations are, because I won’t be happy.”

“I guess that explains why you didn’t want any of us there while your family was around.” Bobby said carefully.

“I didn’t want Buck around, there’s a difference. You guys I wasn’t worried about.” Eddie argued.

“What? Why Buck specifically?” Hen frowned.

“Yeah, Buck, why you specifically?” Eddie snorted.

“Because they forced you guys to get married to begin with!” Buck exclaimed in annoyance. “You made a baby, big deal, you didn’t have to get fucking married because of it.”

“Not really how the midwest and south work, Buck.” Bobby pointed out. “Pretty spiritual area.”

“Religious guilt is what made Eddie a widower at 28.” Buck said flatly, crossing his arms. “Look me in the eyes, right now, and tell me that everyone who has a baby has them on purpose?” 

“Calling Christopher an accident?” Maddie asked, looking confused.

“He’s my favorite accident.” Buck shrugged. “Get a man and a woman together, either add in alcohol or fluctuating teenage hormones, and bam. Accidental creation of human life.” Eddie chuckled behind him. “Eddie didn’t want me there because I would have told his parents that anyone could have a kid after having sex, because people make them accidentally all the time.”

“Yup.” Eddie patted his shoulders and gave them a small squeeze while everyone laughed or looked at Buck in disbelief. “And as entertaining as that would be, Chris would have heard and would have repeated it to anyone who would listen.”

“Alright.” Maddie said, wiping tears from her face from laughing so hard. “So my brother is more unfiltered than I thought.”

“When I joked about suffocating him in his sleep, it’s because he’s here a lot. He passes out on the couch or Chris begs him to stay so they can start their day together first thing in the morning.” Eddie picked up his plate. “I’m gonna take these back and grab the tres leches I hid in the fridge that Abuela made.”

“What?!” Buck exclaimed, giving Eddie his best betrayed look. “Eddie!”

“I’ll help.” Bobby chuckled, getting up and helping gather dishes to take to the kitchen while Buck glared after them in annoyance.

“So-” Maddie said slowly.

“Nope.” Buck held a hand up to her. “Don’t go there.”

“Why? Because I was right?” She gave him her best innocent look. “There is a boy-crush?”

“My part of therapy was about sibling and family dynamics.” Buck argued. “Eddie’s was- um. Never mind. He’ll probably tell you when he’s back with the desert he didn’t tell me he hid.”

“Abuela wanted it to be a surprise, Buck.” Eddie said, setting a big plate in between them with a massive portion. “She said she wanted to spoil you. As if she doesn’t spoil you every time you’re together.”

“She loves me.” Buck stuck his tongue out.

“I’m aware.” Eddie sighed defeatedly. Bobby set the other plates out because Eddie had only gotten one for him and Buck to share. “Alright, so the other part of our therapy was Frank more or less having me compare my partnership with Shannon to my partnership with Buck. He said, from what he’d seen and heard, if Buck had been a woman, then I wouldn’t be dealing with as much crap as I have been surrounding letting Shannon back in and then her dying after asking me for a divorce.”

“Frank said that.” Bobby blinked at Eddie in confusion. “He said if Buck was a woman the two of you would be together romantically?”

“Pretty much.” Buck mumbled around his fork. 

“So my homework was to look at how each partnership and friendship I have sort of compares to the others.” Eddie nodded. “He said to take gender out of the equation and see what I came up with.”

“And?” Hen asked, arching an eyebrow at Eddie.

“And I’m still working through it.” Eddie scrunched his face up. “I can’t really take gender out of it, because Buck is a man. It’s weird trying to think about him in an abstract sense. I’m not very good at it.”

“That’s because you share a brain.” Maddie snorted.

“Careful,” Eddie arched an eyebrow at her, “your brother already called me hot. I get through religious guilt and marry him, we might be in-laws one day.”

“You told Eddie he was hot?” Chim snickered.

“Uh, yeah?” Buck said, as if it were obvious. “Fight club Eddie was a bad coping mechanism, but it has its perks.”

“Like what?” Karen asked, snickering at him.

“I don’t think the lesbians will understand.” Buck argued, pointing his fork at them, smiling when Karen cracked up laughing. “He’s more ripped than when we were all competing for that calendar. I told him he has the whole dark, brooding, mysterious thing going on. I’d have to be blind not to see that ass.” Buck grinned when everyone cracked up laughing and Eddie swiped his fork at Buck, putting cream on his nose. “He also said he fell into things with Shannon because they were familiar, just like how Maddie and I fell back into our relationship without talking about anything; because it was familiar.”

“I constantly only thought of Shannon as my son’s mother.” Eddie agreed, licking off his fork while Buck tried to wipe the cream from his face. “Not my partner, just the mother of my kid. The more I look through my list, the more I’m thinking I just loved the idea of her. We weren’t great together, we were barely good. We fought constantly and neither of us could fully trust the other.”

“You … didn’t trust your wife.” Hen said carefully. 

“I trust Buck more than I ever trusted her.” Eddie nodded. “Which is part of what I’m trying to work through. And if I get an ego boost by Buck telling me I’m hot, so be it.”

“That won’t affect you guys working together, right?” Albert asked, looking around at everyone.

“Firefighters have 30 days to report a relationship.” Buck answered before anyone could say anything. “They then have to be observed working together for a period between a month to three months if they work in the same station and shift. We’re ranked about the same, so that’s not a concern.”

“Why do you know that?” Chim asked in confusion.

“When Pops started dating, I figured it was another first responder.” Buck shrugged. “Our shifts would match up the best. So I got curious about what that would mean, if it was another firefighter.”

“Every time a new manual comes out from headquarters, I give a copy to Buck so he can see if there is another bylaw or policy made because of him.” Bobby grinned.

“Still only at four.” Buck said proudly, smiling when a few people chuckled and a few rolled their eyes. Eddie arched an eyebrow at him though. “What? They’re part of one of them, too.”

“Oh yeah?” Eddie turned to Hen and Chim who shrugged.

“We may or may not have let the kid steal the engine a time or two.” Chim grinned.

“Wanted to see how long he would get away with it before being called out.” Hen agreed. 

“They were lectured as much as Buck was about the whole situation.” Bobby added. “Once I found out they were involved, anyway.”

“Me being able to take an engine out on my own sort of created a new policy that a minimum of two people were required to do the road test after maintenance.” Buck grinned.

“Buck’s also responsible for the special firefighter support groups, like NA, AA, those types of meetings.” Bobby added. “After his … incident, higher ups decided it might be better for some people to talk in a group setting to other firefighters, rather than one on one with a stranger who didn’t know anything about our jobs and could potentially abuse their position.”

“But that’s it though, right?” Maddie asked.

“Is it?” Buck countered, frowning when Eddie kicked his chair. “What?”

“Not now.” Eddie said quietly. “We’ve gone over a lot of crap already.”

“She asked.” Buck retorted.

“That’s all we have currently discussed.” Eddie said firmly. “The rest is being looked at or into for our next session next week.”

“So why are you being weird?” Maddie narrowed her eyes between them. “What else was brought up?”

“Buck.” Eddie warned, so Buck looked him in the eye and stuffed a massive bite of their cake into his mouth. 

“You … don’t want him talking.” Hen said, watching them both. “That’s unusual.”

“Buck told Frank that I don’t like when people interrupt him.” Eddie agreed. “Frank interrupted Buck, and I … did not hide that I didn’t appreciate it very well. So no, normally I don’t like when he’s not talking. But now’s not the time.”

“Evan.” Maddie said, making Buck meet her eyes as he chewed and swallowed. “What else?” Buck didn’t say anything out loud. He pointed at Maddie and held up a one, making her frown but keep watching; he pointed at himself and held up a two, and held up a third finger before lowering it back down. Her eyes widened and she picked up her refilled wine glass, downing it quickly, causing several concerned looks. Maddie stood up and walked over to him. Buck stood up as well and she pulled his shirt up a little, finding the tiny blemish he had by his hip. He’d just thought it was a weird patch of skin, but Maddie put her hand on it like she had it memorized; like she knew exactly where it was without a thought, and gave him an unbearably sad look. “You know?”

“Kinda? Not really.” Buck said quietly. “I’ve … put some pieces together. Eddie was- I mean, him and Frank both, were gonna look into it with me. See what we found.”

“What, uh, what’s going on?” Chim asked anxiously.

“I had another brother.” Maddie said quietly. “Daniel.”

“There are three of you?” Bobby asked in surprise.

“No. Not anymore.” Maddie shook her head. “I was seven, almost eight, and Daniel was five. When we got the diagnosis.”

“What happened?” Hen asked gently.

“Juvenile leukemia.” Maddie sniffled. “The treatments weren’t doing much, but there was another option.” Maddie looked up and met Buck’s eyes. Hers were red and brimmed with tears ready to leak out. “It was only a chance, the odds weren’t that much better, not really.”

“No.” Hen said firmly, drawing their attention. “That’s not- they really-?”

“Baby? What is it?” Karen said softly.

“There’s a scar.” Maddie said, turning Buck around for Hen to see. “From where they did the original testing and took bone marrow to donate once he was a year old.”

“You mean where they harvested him.” Eddie said in an irritated tone.

“Yes.” Maddie agreed. “Essentially.”

“Oh my god.” Hen said, covering her face. 

“What’s going on?” Albert asked anxiously.

“When a kid has cancer,” Chim said carefully, sounding incredibly tired or sad, “and a sibling matches them to be a donor, their parents can sign off on harvesting from the sibling to heal the sick kid. And in some cases the sibling is born, engineered, really, specifically to be a donor. A savior baby.”

“So the thing is,” Buck said, hugging his sister who clung to him after tucking his shirt back down, “I never was going to be enough for our parents. The only way I might have been was if Daniel had lived. I found his name mentioned once in my early medical records, but I didn’t understand what it was saying, not really. Our plan was to go over it together, before talking to anyone about it.”

“His plan.” Eddie argued. “I’m still … working through my irritation on it.”

“Because you figured out I would have known.” Maddie said quietly, backing up from Buck and facing Eddie. “Danny was my best friend growing up. So I have memories of doing things with him and our parents. Things I know they never once tried doing with Buck. You don’t have to be happy with how I dealt with things. You’re Buck’s partner, not mine. But I took care of him. I loved him and took care of him until I left.”

“And you left him with people who should have had him taken away from them.” Eddie stated. “They conditioned him.”

“There was nothing I could do to stop it.” Maddie argued. “They didn’t see or chose not to see what he was doing and how their reactions affected him. It was already too late for an intervention at that point. Buck already processed and accepted how to get people to care about him. When your sisters did something, did they talk to their parents about it, or did they talk to you?”

“That’s not the same thing.” Eddie frowned.

“No. It isn’t.” Maddie agreed. “Because all of your family is still alive. Still here. Your family didn’t have to deal with the death of a child.”

“C’mere, kid.” Bobby said, standing up and pulling Buck into a crushing hug. Buck didn’t really understand what was happening, but gladly took the hug offered. He was more than happy to have a Bobby hug, mostly because they were still settling back on good terms. “I know what that’s like.”

“Pops.” Buck said quietly, unable to say anything else.

“I lost my kids, but you never had a parent other than your sister.” Bobby continued. “I’m not very good at seeing you as just another firefighter.”

“We know.” Eddie, Hen, and Chim all commented.

“Shut up.” Buck grumbled, smiling into Bobby’s shoulder when he chuckled. “Don’t ruin my dad-hug.”

“You’ll get plenty more, I’m sure.” Maddie chuckled, patting his arm before heading back to her seat. “How were you able to figure that all out?” 

“Buck remembered you teaching him to ride a bike that had someone else’s name on it.” Eddie said. “He remembered the name on it and then told us he had seen the name once in his medical files from when he was a baby, but he didn’t know what HSCT was. He was apparently only looking to get a total tally on how many times he’s been hospitalized.”

“You didn’t look up HSCT?” Hen asked. “That’s not like you.”

“You two still fit the normal oldest and youngest sibling dynamic Buckeroo was talking about.” Athena pointed out. 

“Yes, just maybe a little more extreme than normal.” Maddie agreed, sitting back in her chair. 

“I wanted to wait to look anything up until after Eddie and Frank looked through some crap with me and I had a chance to talk to Maddie.” Buck admitted when Bobby finally let him go, both of them retaking their seats. 

“We aren’t going to have to worry about you guys figuring out you’ve been in love with each other since you met and running off to a secret wedding, are we?” Hen asked, smirking at Eddie. Eddie flipped her off. 

“One, I’m nowhere near ready to get married again. That’s not happening.” Eddie shook his head. “Two, you think this diva would be ok with running off in secret if we ever got to that point?”

“Counterpoints.” Buck stated. “One, you’re getting through therapy and it has to be at least two years since you lost your wife before you consider getting married. If you try before then, it’s going to be because someone else said something and you cave to the pressure.” Eddie scowled at him. “And two, you got a crap back-yard shotgun wedding because you accidentally made a superhero. You’re going to be as much of a diva as I would be. You like drama too much.”

Eddie stared at him for a minute before putting a hand behind Buck’s neck. Buck glared at him, but as soon as he opened his mouth to say something else, Eddie pushed his face into what was left of their desert on their plate. Buck wiped it off with his hand, before wiping it on Eddie’s face, both of them ignoring everyone laughing at them. Eddie was laughing too, though. And Buck hadn’t seen him all that happy lately, so he glared at Eddie one last time before grabbing his napkin to try and clean his face a little. He sighed in defeat when Eddie took the napkin out of his hands and actually licked the side of his face. 

“You’re ridiculous.” Buck grumbled.

“You know this already.” Eddie argued, chuckling.

“I think tonight has been a lot, so we should probably get going.” Maddie cut into their moment. “I’ll see if I can find any pictures or anything of Danny. I’m pretty sure him being gone is the only reason I don’t currently have gray hair.”

“Because he’d encourage Buck?” Albert asked with a grin.

“Exactly.” Maddie nodded. “I’m not hugging you while you’re covered in desert, Buck. Thank you for inviting us, and thank you for hosting.”

“What she said.” Chim agreed, standing up and smiling at her. “Also, sorry we never thought about you being the baby of our group. Sorry for not thinking about things from your perspective when I knew running was part of the Buckley family genetics.”

“Put fight and flight together and you end up with whatever the hell is going on between these two.” Hen smirked when Buck flipped her off. “Thank you both for dinner.”

“Tell your grandmother her desert was wonderful.” Athena added. “And clean yourselves up before taking care of the dishes.”

“Yes, mom.” Buck grumbled, rolling his eyes. He winced when he felt a hand smack the back of his head, though. “I’m telling dad.”

“Buck.” Bobby said, but he was smiling. “Be nice and listen to your mother.”

“Have a good night, guys!” Albert called after them as Chim and Maddie dragged him outside. 

They didn’t clean themselves up before taking care of the dishes. They rinsed everything and got it put in the dishwasher before heading for the bathroom. Except when Eddie tore his shirt off and wiped his face and then Buck’s with it, Buck couldn’t help staring. Because Eddie really was hot. And his abs were way more defined after spending so much time fighting. 

“See something you like?” Eddie teased, grinning crookedly at him.

“Absolutely.” Buck nodded, finally looking at Eddie’s face. “But I don’t think putting my mouth on you is part of what Frank had in mind with our therapy homework.”

“Maybe I had it in my own homework?” Eddie countered.

“Eds, you don’t do casual sleeping around. And I haven’t for a while.” Buck argued.

“Who said it was gonna be casual?” Eddie asked, backing Buck up against the bathroom door. “I know I still have crap to work through, you know that too. But we also spend so much of our time together, we don’t actually need anyone else.”

“I’m not marrying you-”

“Buck.” Eddie cut him off. “I’ll take your two year stipulation to heart, ok? If and when I’m ready, we’ll figure that out together.”

“You … you wanna experiment.” Buck said carefully. “You know what sex with your wife was like, but not with a guy.”

“Experiment, date exclusively, both, all of it.” Eddie wobbled his head. “I need someone I can trust. Someone who isn’t scared off by everything I’ve been through and put other people through. Someone I trust to take care of me and who will trust me to take care of them while I learn how to do all this.”

“Someone to keep you from overthinking.” Buck agreed. “Ok. I’ll overthink for both of us.”

“And Frank will help us talk through it.” Eddie snickered. “Shower first? Or maybe-”

“After.” Buck answered quickly. “If we shower now, and then go fool around in your room, we’ll need to shower again.”

“Fair point.” Eddie grinned. 

Once they were in the bedroom, Buck took off his shirt and kicked out of his jeans. Eddie put a hand on his waist and just moved them around on his body. Like he was mapping Buck out. Feeling every groove and ridge in his muscles. Buck really did try to just wait and let Eddie figure everything out, he did, but he wasn’t known for being patient. The smirk Eddie gave him once they were face to face again, told him Eddie knew exactly what he was doing so Buck decided he could push a little. He preferred mapping people with his tongue, not just his hands. So he knocked Eddie back onto the bed and finally got his mouth on Eddie’s abs. 

“Nuh uh.” Eddie pushed him off of him and onto his back, pinning him down. Buck pouted at him. “Nope. You don’t get to kiss my body before kissing me.”

“Accepted.” Buck grinned, pulled Eddie down and kissed him. Except he hadn’t really anticipated how it would feel. He sucked in a breath as their lips met, Eddie did too, before backing up and staring at each other in shock. Buck hadn’t felt a kiss like that before. Like he was made to just fit with someone. Like lightning was racing through all of his nerves. “Fuck yeah.” Buck groaned as Eddie met him for another taste, pressing his entire body down on Buck. He was pretty sure Eddie was feeling the same things he was, because he was just as frantic as Buck. They’d planned to go slow, to test things out, but once they kissed, it was like they couldn’t stop. Buck needed Eddie and Eddie needed Buck. 

They could try slow another time.