Chapter Text
Everyone seems to think that a ‘low’ expresses itself visually. Most people would think that it involves some kind of crying, dramatic and depressive episode, and it can. But bad days show themselves in a lot of ways. There are some days where Bob just isn’t there, days where his body is nothing more than a thing to move him from room to room. He’ll be present, fully able to talk and acknowledge the rest of the team, but it’s like his body moves on autopilot. The real Bob is deep down in his own head, in some sort of purgatory between awake and asleep. Before the experiment, Bob had shrugged it off as excessive dissociation. But now it had a name.
The Void.
It was more than a place now. It was a thing, a feeling, an entity, a person.
It wasn’t like ‘The Sentry’. That was Bob, through and through. In the last two months since Manhattan, Bob had gotten a better hand on the wheel of his abilities. When the gold eyes came out and the vibrating hum of raw power lingered under his skin, Bob still felt in control. It was like the dial on all of his settings had been turned up to a hundred, but Bob knew that side of himself already. It was still him.
The Void was different. That thing that spoke to him at his lowest moments was more like a monster hiding under the bed. It crept up in the dark of his bedroom and met his eyes in the mirror. Sometimes when Bob would close his eyes, he’d see two tiny white lights looking back at him. The experiment had split him in two, and every day Bob could feel the pull of the shadows trying to regain control.
Most days he could handle it. Despite his low points, things were getting better. He had family now, real friends that actually cared about his wellbeing for once. Yelena and Walker were bright lights that seemed to instantly push away the growing darkness. One squeeze of Yelena’s hand or one small smirk from Walker were enough to send that voice in his head running, almost like it was… afraid of them. Bob could physically feel the darkness shrinking away, making room for pure light.
But they couldn’t be in the tower all the time. And at the end of the day, Bob was an adult. His presence at the watchtower felt like a ticking clock. He could attempt to contribute with dishes, laundry and other mediocre chores, but he didn’t contribute anything of real purpose to the team. Eventually they’d get tired of keeping up with his mood swings, the way he stumbled over words and his lack of purpose in the tower. He’d have to learn how to take care of himself, and the creature inside of him, on his own.
The team was away on a long mission. It had been at least a week, and there was still another to go. Bucky had made it clear they wouldn’t be back at the tower until the end of the month. It wasn’t the first time Bob had been left on his own, but it was the first time he’d been alone this long.
Bob could feel the familiar signs as if they were a bright red warning sign.
He sat up on his bed, knees tucked to his chest with an open book in his lap. He was dressed in a piece from nearly every member of the team, the way he always was when they were away. It was embarrassing, they’d only known each other for two months, but it was a source of comfort that healed some kind of codependent feeling deep inside of him. Yelena’s white, off-shoulder t-shirt was much tighter on Bob than it was on her, and clung to his body, still a bit wet from his shower. An old army jacket from West Point sat on his shoulders, cloaking him in warmth. Walker’s hood was pulled over Bob’s damp hair, he liked the way it warmed his ears from the chill of the Watchtower. Bucky’s sweatpants were a little big on him, but Bob cuffed the ends, pulling them halfway up his calves. The mismatched socks on his feet came from Ava and Alexei, each completely different sizes and colors.
Despite the source of comfort, Bob was spacing out. He re-read a page of his book at least four times before realizing he couldn’t gain focus. It was irritating, and no matter how many times he blinked or rubbed his eyes he just wouldn’t come to his senses. He tossed the book onto the edge of the bed, thumping the back of his head against the headboard and staring up at the ceiling. His hands picked up his phone, he pressed a few meaningless buttons before tossing it back onto the bed. A few seconds passed. He picked up his phone again. Pressed three more meaningless buttons. Back on the bed. This cycle repeated for another fifteen minutes. The monotony of finding things to do was settling in, and when you can’t find things to do there’s nothing left but to spend time with your own thoughts.
“Just get out of bed.” He muttered to himself, voice tired and annoyed. “It’s easy.” And it was easy. Taking one step to pull himself out of the sunken-in mattress took such minimal effort… but his body felt pinned down by an invisible force. He glanced over at the clock on his nightstand. 11:59. Walker and Yelena had promised to give him a call by midnight. Bob swallowed and nervously bounced his leg.
‘They could be dead’
Bob closed his eyes tightly, heart rate instantly increasing. The Void was horrible, but it was never wrong. They could be halfway across the world, choking for breath while Bob sat in his bed doing absolutely nothing. The five of them were only human… not whatever thing Bob was. “Please leave me alone.” Bob whispered. When he opened his eyes he caught a glimpse of the shadowy figure standing at the foot of his bed, white eyes glowing in the dark of the room. Bob gasped and flinched backwards, quickly reaching for the lamp to turn it on. The second he looked back, it was gone.
‘You are alone’. Bob felt the words in his ear like the Void was right behind him. He twitched at the feeling of cold breath pressing against his ear, but when he turned his head he was… alone.
Bob swallowed his fear and curled in on himself. “They’re fine. It’s an important mission, they don’t need to call me right on time. Something probably came up.” He imagined that if the rest of the team could see him right now, pathetically codependent and whispering to himself in the night, that they would finally see him for the freak that he was.
‘Don’t do that. Don’t pretend like you don’t need them. Look at you… it’s pathetic. They left, Bob. They left you here alone. They don’t care.’
Bob’s eyes were glassy with tears, and a small sniffle echoed in the bedroom. He ran his shaky fingers through his hair, tugging on the strands that hung in his eyes. “I don’t have to listen to you.”
‘Who else are you going to talk to?’ It asked. Its voice reminded Bob of his own when he was tired; cracked, deep and quiet. ‘I can be good company too, Bob’.
To Bob’s surprise, he let out a quick sound between a chuckle and a sob. A few tears tracked down his cheeks, dripping onto his knees. “When have you ever been nice to me?”
‘If you really wanted that… you would just call Walker or Yelena. She’ll get tired of taking care of you eventually. And Walker… he’s even more pathetic than us. He doesn’t feel the way you feel about him.’ Bob flinched as a hand-shaped shadow reached over his shoulder, fingers tightening around the hoodie. Bob hated how he could feel it, like it was really here. The fabric gave under the Void’s fingers, folding between them and gathering in its tight hold. ‘I can give you what they can’t. I can help you disappear. You just have to say yes.’
Bob’s eyebrows furrowed as he kept his gaze laser locked on the hand on his shoulder. It wasn’t like the Void to ask for permission to take over. There was something more sinister going on that Bob couldn’t see in his current headspace. “You’re gonna hurt people.”
‘No. It’s just me and you. Let me take over, I’ll take care of you.’
And that… that was enough. Bob wanted to sink into the comforting words in his ear, to let the creature take every ounce of pain and energy and just drain it from him. His brain was running at a mile a minute, and he wanted his mind to go blank. Bob let out a shaky sob, leaning back against the headboard as if there was an invisible body behind him waiting to scoop him up into its arms. Black shadows climbed up over his body, lifting higher and higher like he was falling into a dark ocean. He felt his body sinking into the headboard, and he lifted his head as if somehow he could escape the growing shadows. His breathing quickened, and he heaved in and out for air as the shadows reached his neck. He was suffocating, drowning in the darkness. With wide eyes, he took one last gasp of air as the shadows engulfed him completely.
***
Bob opened his eyes to the attic. He sat in his familiar spot, rubik’s cube in hand. His eyes drifted down to the small crack in the floorboards. A dull smack from below made him flinch, and he pulled his trembling lip between his teeth. He looked up to glance around the room, eyes meeting the dark corner. The Void wasn’t materialized like it was in the lab room, but Bob could still pinpoint those haunting white eyes in the darkness. He glared at the corner and threw the cube into the shadows, denting the wall with a sharp ‘thud’. “I don’t want to be here.”
‘Why not?’
“You said you would help me. This… isn’t helping.”
‘Where would you rather be?’
Bob swallowed and pulled his knees to his chest. In an instant, the room was covered in shadow. Bob closed his eyes and imagined a room, any other room. When he opened them, the space was much more comfortable and familiar. His eyebrows furrowed as he took in the floor-to-ceiling windows of the Watchtower, the curved shape of the couch and the big ‘A’ symbol on the elevator door. Bob was sitting comfortably on the couch in the same clothes from earlier, and he turned around to try and find where the Void had materialized. “The mission room? Why did you pick this?”
Bob felt cold breath on his ear. ‘I didn’t. You did.’ When Bob turned back around he gasped as he locked eyes with… it. The Void sat right next to him on the couch, matching his exact sitting position. When Bob cocked his head slightly to the side, the shadow mimicked him like some sort of fucked up mirror. Bob felt more tears escape his eyes. It was like seeing a creature from your nightmares sitting right in front of you. He hadn’t fully faced it since that day two months ago, and it had frightened him every day since. Its hand slowly reached out to press against Bob’s cheek, and Bob flinched as the cold touch met his skin. This place wasn’t like the real world. The touch on his cheek was real, physical and had weight to it. The creature’s thumb wiped the tears from Bob’s cheek with a haunting softness. ‘I’m never going anywhere’ it promised.
Bob should’ve taken it as a threat. It was a threat. But his mind twisted it into something sweet and comforting. Everyone in his life left or abandoned him in some way, but the Void had been there since he was younger. It was an ever-present thing that stayed by him in his darkest moments… and there was something beautiful about that. The shadow had a strange, otherworldly pull to it. It’s touch wasn’t demanding, but it drew Bob in closer and closer. He felt hypnotized as his body inched further until he was pressing his face into its shoulder. Arms wrapped around him, and Bob felt himself drift further into the comfort of its strength. He knew the Void was strong, after all it was… him. But feeling those arms holding him tightly was starting to clear his head. It was like that moment right before you fall asleep, where you can barely keep together a coherent thought and you just feel safe. Why was it being nice to him? Just because… Bob asked it to?
He leaned further into its touch, curling against it and leaning his full body weight onto it as he quietly sobbed into its shoulder. Cold lips pressed to his forehead. ‘They can’t do this for you. In here… you can just drift away. You don’t have to think. Let me do that for you.’
The shadow reached down to tilt Bob’s chin upwards, and cobalt blue eyes met glowing white ones. Those cold lips pressed against his own, kissing him in a way that he’d never been kissed before. The touch was soft, sweet even, and every movement of its lips drew Bob further and further into the haze. Bob let out a shaky breath and leaned forward to kiss back, his fingers tightening in the dark fabric of its shirt. The feeling was strange. The kiss wasn’t out of… attraction, not really. It was like a pure need that existed deep within him. A need that only sinking deeper into the darkness would cure. The tongue that slid past his lips wasn’t surprising. The Void kissed like Bob liked to kiss. Wet and slow, passionate and deep. Bob moaned softly against it, letting his mouth be invaded by the foreign feeling.
Walker’s jacket was slid off of his shoulders, and Bob shivered at the chill in the air. Bob’s eyes glanced over as the fabric hit the floor. It was one of John’s favorites, he should take better care of it-
‘Look at me.’ It demanded softly, the grip on his chin tightening. ‘Stop thinking.’
The Void’s cold lips met his again, and Bob sobbed into its mouth at the comforting feeling. He didn’t want to think, didn’t want to be alive. He just wanted to sink into this, to disappear in the shadows and just feel. The Void pulled back enough to lean back against the couch, white eyes looking beyond the cobalt ones in front of him. The way it looked at him was like it was pouring deeper, looking beyond Bob’s skin and into everything that sat beneath. The hand on his chin drifted upwards until it reached his lips. The shadow ran his index finger over Bob’s bottom lip before pressing inside his mouth slowly. Bob moaned at the pressure on his tongue, and he fell further into the haze. The Void didn’t have an expression, but it looked like it was… thinking. It cocked its head to the side, and Bob felt the pressure on his tongue increase as he was lightly pushed down deeper and deeper until he was on his knees. It hooked its thumb under Bob’s jaw, pulling him closer until he was tucked snugly between its legs.
Bob allowed his head to rest on its thigh, eyes slowly fluttering shut. All at once, it was like every ounce of malice and nihilism drifted off of the creature in front of him. The Void had become tame, like a domesticated wolf; still capable of horror and destruction, but incredibly protective over the crying, trembling boy at his feet. They were the same, it was a part of him. Maybe the Void was more than just a representation of his low points, maybe it was… his sense of self preservation and protection. No one outside had ever looked out for him, he had to look out for himself.
With shaky fingers, he reached up to let his hands hover over what he assumed it wanted. The tips of his fingers brushed against the area between its legs. The shadows were almost all-consuming, and it was near impossible to see anything but those white eyes in the dark room, but Bob could feel fabric and a hard cock underneath his hands. It was wearing the same sweatpants as Bob, and with one quick tug down Bob was quickly leaning forward to take the tip into his mouth, eyes locked on the white ones above him.
The Void placed a firm hand on the back of his head, pulling him further down and letting him get used to the feeling of having his mouth full. With every slide of his tongue and every bob of his head, Bob could feel his own cock twitch. His eyebrows furrowed slightly as he pulled back slightly, letting his tongue swirl over the head as an experiment. Sure enough, he could feel the sensation mimicked on himself. The Void let out a dark chuckle, pulling Bob further down and drinking in the brunette’s whimper. ‘Shhh, I told you I’d take care of you, didn’t I?’ It ran its fingers through Bob’s hair, gently pushing the brunette’s cheek back onto its thigh. ‘Why don’t you just lay there and stay still? You can even fall asleep if you want.’
The words were comforting, and Bob was sure it knew full well how to exploit Bob’s obvious oral fixation. Still, he couldn’t stop thinking about what was happening in reality. For all he knew, all of Manhattan could be gone by now and the Void was just pulling him deeper, letting him drown in sweet touches. He pulled back just enough to voice his worries. “But… out there-”
He was quickly pulled back to his position with a cock in his mouth and his head resting on its leg. The quick motion was like a shockwave to Bob’s dick, and he quickly reached up to dig his fingers into the fabric on its thighs with a deep moan, eyes rolling back in his head. ‘None of that matters. If they cared, they would’ve called. If they really cared they would’ve taken you with them but they left you alone like a pet. I’m here… focus on me.’
The harsh words brought tears back to Bob’s eyes, and he sniffled as they were wiped away by a cold hand. Bob let his eyes flutter closed, being fully taken over by darkness. The ache in his knees mixed with the feeling of something heavy in his mouth was enough to lull him into a soft bliss, back in that place between asleep and awake. Cold hands stroked his hair gently, petting him like a possession. Bob let himself drift away, but every movement of his tongue would send a shiver of pleasure through his body, reminding him that he was still here.
He didn’t know how long he sat there. Time was funny in that place. It felt like hours but it could’ve been mere minutes, and by the time he was gently pulled off he was fully enveloped in the haze. His body felt limp, and he could barely feel himself being lifted and placed onto the couch. Bob laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling with glassy, tear filled eyes. He couldn’t think, could barely speak and all of his nerves felt like they were on fire. Bob was gone, and the Void had taken over. The shadow loomed over him, and the white eyes that had once haunted his nightmares now felt like the only thing grounding him to existence. Cold fingers gripped the waistband of his sweatpants, pulling them down very slowly. ‘You don’t want me to stop?’
It was a fact, a statement, but it was phrased like a question out of… what, politeness? The thing looking down at him was… him. It knew what he needed and what he craved. No one out there would touch him like this… especially not the one person he really wanted. Everything that happened in here wasn’t meaningless, but it felt real. Bob began to sob, weeping as he was finally being touched by this entity in a way that wasn’t harmful. “Please don’t stop. Please?” he whimpered. “Just… just make it all go away, make it better, please, please…”
His sweatpants were finally pulled off, and the Void grabbed onto both of his ankles, pushing his body further down onto the couch and keeping his legs spread. Bob looked up into white eyes with a strange mix of fear and eagerness. There used to be days when its voice would be screaming between Bob’s ears, begging him to put a bullet in his mouth. And now… this. But the Void was in Bob’s head, and it wasn’t going to give him time to be confused. It pushed inside of him without warning, and Bob leaned his head back with a loud cry. The pain was masked by the mirrored feeling of pleasure around his cock. The Void wasted no time, not daring to give Bob time to think about the outside, John, Yelena or anything else his mind might drift to. It thrusted into him deep and slow, pulling loud, overstimulated moans from the brunette beneath it. It reached down to thread its fingers in the back of Bob’s curls, forcing him to look up at it while it fucked him. ‘When I’m in control… you’re mine, do you understand? No one is ever gonna make you feel like this. Not Walker, not Yelena. All you have… is me.’
Bob whimpered and nodded quickly. His lip trembled as he cried in its arms. It felt like a horrible, sad truth. People would come and go, even his new teammates would throw him out eventually, but the Void would always be here. In some sick way, the Void really did own him. Still, there was an element of insecurity to its voice as it said Walker and Yelena’s names. There was a fear there that Bob didn’t quite understand yet. But it didn’t change anything. Bob sniffled and kept his cobalt eyes locked on glowing white ones. “I’m yours.” he whispered.
Something snapped, and that previously tame wolf returned to something more feral. The Void’s hands moved down to keep a strong grip on Bob’s throat, squeezing hard enough to inflict pressure, but not enough to cut off his airflow. It used his neck as leverage to thrust faster and deeper, hips snapping against Bob’s hard enough to break him. It growled low and deep in his ear, and Bob found himself wondering if it felt any pleasure at all, if it was even… real. It didn’t matter. Every thrust had Bob more and more gone, letting out shaky moans at the feeling of being filled and taken care of.
The Void groaned as its thrusts became more erratic. With every passing second it became more… human. Even the shadows in the room had dissipated. Light was beginning to return, the sunrise pouring through the window. If Bob squinted, the dark entity above him was starting to take shape. Just beneath the shadows he could see familiar brown curls, a tight white t-shirt and even the veins on its arms. The white lights of its eyes were encircled by a familiar cobalt blue, and the expression that looked back at him was… soft. The creature quickly buried its head in Bob’s neck to leave small bites, but also to hide the increasing vulnerability. Bob wrapped his arms around it, pulling it into a tight hug and feeling its own tears against his neck.
With a final deep thrust and a loud cry from both of them, they reached their peak at the same time. Bob’s thighs shivered as his back arched against the creature above him. He buried his face in its shoulder to muffle his moans, but also to feel as close to another person as he possibly could. Part of him didn’t want to go back, he wanted to stay wrapped up in someone else’s arms forever. The Void squeezed him tightly, fingers shaking as it whimpered and cried into Bob’s neck. It pulled back just enough to press one last crushing kiss to Bob’s lips. ‘Thank you for letting me take control.’ it muttered against his mouth.
***
Bob opened his eyes with a gasp, quickly shooting upwards to look around the room wildly. His heart raced and his breathing was erratic, and honestly he was a little nauseous. It felt like it did when he was coming down from the after-effects of a panic attack. He looked down at his body, free of shadows and still wrapped up in his friends’ clothing. Walker’s jacket remained on his shoulders. Despite everything that Bob had experienced, the room was… empty.
It was almost more lonely than it had been before.
Maybe he really did need the Void.
He glanced over at the clock on his nightstand. 11:59. No time had passed. Maybe… It was just a dream. A nightmare? No… When he swallowed his throat ached from overuse, he could still feel the lingering sensitivity from his orgasm, and when he touched his fingers to his neck he could feel two tiny puddles of tears in the dip of his shoulder.
It was real. That place was real. Bob wasn’t sure if he had done something or if the Void had just… let him go this time.
A buzzing sound pulled him from his thoughts and he looked over to see his phone lit up with the words ‘Lena B. is calling’ on the screen. Bob swallowed and quickly picked up the phone, holding it up to his face. Yelena appeared on the video call, face close up and sticking her tongue out at the camera. “Told you we’d call! Say hi to Walker and Ava!” She turned the camera around to face the others. They were in a hotel room, and all looked exhausted and beat up from the mission. Ava smiled brightly and flipped off the camera with a “Hi Bob!”. Walker glanced up from his own phone and offered a small smile, waving a bit with a soft tint of red to his cheeks. “Hey Bobby” he muttered.
Bob couldn’t help but smile. It was nice seeing his friends again, even more nice that they remembered to call. The Void wasn’t right about everything, they really did care, and maybe he could talk with Valentina about being let on a few missions every now and then.
But it was right about some things. Bob couldn’t shake the memory of how soft and vulnerable it had looked at the end of their encounter, the way it had cried into him in the same way Bob had done to it. They were part of each other and there would be no separating them. Bob had been neglecting it, pushing it down and pretending that it didn’t exist. But maybe it needed Bob, maybe… they weren’t that different.