Chapter Text
June
The day Todd left Balincrest for good should have had all the makings of a dreary farewell. There should have been rain cold like ice falling in sheets, blown sideways by a strong, biting wind. It should have been at least slightly chilly, the last vestiges of spring still hanging in the air.
As Todd’s luck would have it, it was a sunny June day, beautiful and warm. Almost too beautiful. His poet’s heart mourned the day he would spend moving out, then the car ride home, then unpacking… It was a travesty for such a day to just be wasted potential. He could have spent it outside under a shade tree, writing. Or reading. Or doing literally anything else. Bummer.
As he picked up a few loose things around his side of the room, Todd watched the sunlight streaming into the hallway. With nothing to impede it, the light cast a warm amber light onto the dark wood floors. He watched as the wind blew stray leaves around the cobblestones outside. Blades of grass rustled in the breeze, and Todd could only watch the world from his old dorm window for the time being.
Todd’s father came to collect him right on time at 10 o’clock. He was lucky the door was open, saving him a knock.
“Todd, son, are you ready? We need to get going,” His dad said, poking his head into the room.
Todd set down what he’d been holding and looked up. “Yeah, I’m ready.”
He waved a quick goodbye to his roommate while his dad helped him carry his things out to the car. In the few bins and boxes were Todd’s clothes, of course. There were also medals from debate tournaments and soccer games. Graded reports with teacher comments he had wanted to save, and scattered sticky notes from his friends. Leaving was always so bittersweet, he thought.
While Todd’s mother sat in the car to keep watch, the other two Andersons passed several other students and parents on their trips back and forth. The usually sleepy, small campus was now bustling with life. Todd saw the younger students, little sixth graders, helping their parents with lugging suitcases and boxes. They reminded him of his younger self, full of energy and joy.
Once they got outside with everything, Todd and his dad packed all of his things into the trunk in all of ten minutes. The car had a large trunk, and everything fit snugly with a bit of Tetris-style shuffling around on Todd’s part. Still, it was brief. It didn’t leave much time for Todd to think about the past year much.
He was glad to be done with it quickly, though. Outside in the early June sunshine, it was loud and hot, two things Todd hated. All he wanted at the moment was to be back in his quiet, air-conditioned bedroom at home. The sooner they left, the better. He didn’t like being in public for too long, anyway. Todd figured his parents just wanted to get home quickly. Maybe they had plans with some of their country club friends, or something.
As he opened the back passenger door, ready to leave, Todd realized they were among the first groups to leave the campus. He shook off that weird, anxious feeling the thought provoked and shut the car door.
“Hi, Mom,” He said. She didn't look up. Defeated, Todd shut his mouth. Fine, be that way, he thought darkly.
Todd reached for his seatbelt as they pulled out of their parking space and grabbed a book from his backpack.
“Todd, your mother and I have something we’d like to tell you.”
At the sound of his father’s voice, Todd wasn’t immediately engaged, but a sharp clearing of the throat made him jump in surprise. Finally, he looked up, meeting the older man’s gaze in the rearview mirror. A bored look greeted his own, expectant expression. Todd sighed internally. He was used to inconveniently timed talks with his parents, but this was a new low. They hadn’t even left the parking lot yet, for God’s sake. There were about five cars ahead of them in line.
“Yes?” Todd asked. He snuck a glance at his mother, who was staring down at her cell phone, playing some game. She hadn’t said a word to Todd, which he couldn’t truthfully say was completely out of character for her. He didn’t know whether he had done anything to deserve it or not. He had barely said anything in her direction. Todd felt a familiar worry in his gut that she was mad at him.
“Your application was accepted. You’re transferring to Welton starting in the fall,” His father said a moment later. As he spoke, he was finally pulling out of the parking lot and back onto the main road. “We did you a favor, you know, by letting you go to Balincrest for so long. We just wanted to make sure you could handle the kind of workload you would get at Welton, of course. My father, my grandfather, and I all went there as well, you know. Do not disappoint us again, Todd. It’s a rite of passage for our family, son. You belong there."
As the last few words left his mouth, his dad gave Todd a small smile in the mirror.
“I’ll do my best not to let you down, sir,” Todd replied. He smiled back at his father but quickly looked away. His face burned at the mention of his younger self’s failure. It was a low blow, all things considered. Todd bit his lip, thinking.
On top of whatever was going on with his mom, Todd’s dad was being... Kind of weird, honestly. He was trying not to completely wig out over it, since it could have just been nothing. At the same time, he knew what he had heard. His father sounded annoyed as he spoke. Every word came out harsh, as if just speaking in Todd’s direction was painful. Like, Todd wasn't worth the trouble.
And maybe he wasn’t, because his dad didn't sound particularly proud of him. He didn’t even throw in a mention of his mother being proud of all his hard work. Todd frowned down at the open book in his hands, unread. His mom’s silence, his dad’s curtness… All of it stung. Todd sniffled, but tried to keep the waterworks at bay. Weren’t parents supposed to care a bit more than this? He admittedly didn’t have much to go off, but none of his friends’ parents were ever like that. Maybe his were just having a bad day. There had to be some explanation, some answer to a question Todd hadn't even thought to ask yet.
Todd tried to put that part out of his mind, though. He tried to stay positive. Getting into Welton at last was something to celebrate, whether his parents acknowledged it as such or not. I did it, he thought. His heart soared with pride. This was a huge development, as far as Todd’s relationship with his parents went, too. They were putting effort into him and his education with this move, right? Showing interest by applying to Welton for him and now paying for a better, more expensive school, an hour’s drive - two whole towns - away from home.
His mom and dad loved him, Todd knew that if nothing else. They were only wishing for the best for him by sending him to Welton as they’d always intended. At least, he sure hoped so.
Todd noticed belatedly that the smile gracing his father’s lips felt hollow. It was cold; it hadn’t quite reached his eyes. Now, all Todd saw was a usual stoic expression in the glare on the window, lit up by the harsh rays of summer sun reflecting off the windshield. Maybe he was tired. Or hungry. Or maybe he was just his resting face. Todd wasn't sure. He turned his head, away from the road and his father’s reflection, down at his cell phone. He opened his messages with one of his debate friends, Steven, who he knew went to Welton. Fingers flying with practiced ease over the small buttons, he typed a short yet effective message, telling him the good news. At least he would have one friend at his new school, which was one thing Todd had going for him. A familiar face to help him navigate a new school, a whole new environment… A sea of uncertainty lay ahead, and Todd felt that queasy sort of nervousness creeping up again.
It helped to know better things were coming, though. Maybe he and Steven would be roommates, Todd hoped. Or at least have a few of their classes together. That would be nice. He knew the other boy played soccer, too. With any luck, Todd could get on the Welton team with him. That would help for sure; he really needed to get some more friends.
Todd used the rest of the half-hour-long car ride back home to think; he needed a plan if he wanted to survive his first year at Welton. He plugged earbuds in, stuck them in his ears, and put on the playlist of classical music he’d made for studying sessions. With music playing and his parents otherwise occupied, Todd allowed himself to zone out and just think. He started by running through what had gotten him here in the first place.
Before today, he had been sure he would never make it to Welton, that he was stuck at Balincrest until graduation. At twelve, Todd’s grades had been too low to attend Welton. Especially then, he was too shy for any extracurriculars. Now, however, his four years at Balincrest had finally paid off. At least, Todd thought so. His grades were perfect (all A’s except Latin, the bane of Todd’s existence). He had finally warmed up (a bit) to public speaking, choosing to be on the speech and debate team. And, to top it all off, he’d even made a few new friends this year from those debate tournaments. His teachers had left glowing notes on all his papers, too. His writing skills were getting even better! So, when he considered it, Todd had earned his place at Welton Academy next year. Surely, now, his mom and dad would be hard-pressed to find any reason to keep him from transferring. It seemed his parents were now set on his belonging there, on getting him on track for some elite college (such as Yale, his childhood dream). Maybe, just maybe, there was hope for Todd Anderson after all. It was his fault they were even in this situation to begin with, so it was up to him to fix it.
If that was the case, though, then why did Todd feel uneasy about it? He wasn’t so sure if his having to earn his place at Welton was fair, honestly. If his parents had his best interests at heart all along, then they would have sent him somewhere he would thrive from the beginning, which was Welton. Or at least, it was for Jeffrey. Who is an entirely separate person, Todd reminded himself.
Again, Todd shook off his negative feelings. They wouldn’t do him any good in the long run. He reminded himself of the truth -- he had gotten into Welton on what he hoped was his own merit (not bribery), and his parents were willing to pay more for him to attend. It was probably just nerves and anticipation for the upcoming school year that were making him doubt his parents' decision, anyway. Todd knew the whole transferring thing would be nerve-wracking. In fact, he had known since middle school that Welton was a whole other ball game compared to Balincrest. Harder, stricter, but more likely to get him admitted to Yale like he had always dreamed of as a kid.
Todd also knew he had one shot to not completely blow everything, no matter how academically prepared he felt. One chance to prove himself. Make his parents proud, make sure Welton Academy would remember the name Todd Alexander Anderson. If he didn't do well this year, he would go right back and finish out high school at Balincrest, he was sure of it. Faintly, under the sound of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake in his ears, Todd heard his parents talking about Jeff’s summer internship at some New York law firm.
September
The summer went by in a hazy blur. Jeffrey was home from Yale, so their parents had plenty of weekend family trips planned. There were seemingly endless dinner parties and luncheons with alumni from Yale and his parents' country club friends. All of it was just the sort of trivial things Todd had grown up associating with higher society. It was a familiar world, sure, just not one Todd felt at home in. All of the social obligations sent his head reeling, anxiety reaching a fever pitch. He wormed his way out of as many as he could, claiming he had summer classwork to do (which was not entirely a lie).
So Todd spent his summer reading, mostly, and studying. And thinking -- no, planning. By August, he’d gotten it all worked out. The way Todd saw it, he had to do well on several fronts. Soccer and debate, for one. Then there were his grades; if he made all A’s, Todd would be a shoo-in for valedictorian going into senior year. After that, he had to get into Yale (just like Jeff) and write a bestseller right out of college. It was, so Todd thought, the perfect plan. Practically foolproof. If he could just manage all that, then.. Maybe, just maybe, his parents would finally see him. Not Jeff. Not Dad. Not even Mom. Just him, Todd Anderson, their second and youngest son. Todd, who was just as smart and worthy at sixteen as Jeffrey ever was. Quieter than his older brother, sure. Then there was the slight problem of him being gay, but he was still an Anderson. Todd knew his parents just needed a nudge for them to see the potential in him.
—
As the family sedan slowed to a stop, Todd stared down at his cell phone screen to get the time. It was 6:55 a.m. on the dot. Of course, his parents timed their arrival to be five minutes early. He groaned. They couldn’t possibly have gotten to Welton right on time for the opening ceremony, no siree. The Anderson family was always, always punctual, as Todd’s father liked to remind him. Apparently, the word punctual had somehow changed meanings from “on time” to “early.”
Whatever, Todd thought as he got out of the car alongside his mom. The sooner we get inside, the sooner my parents will leave me be. Todd loved them, yes, but could only tolerate them in relatively small doses. He stepped out of the car slowly, not wanting to leave the safety of somewhere that wasn’t positively crawling with other people. Todd tried to ignore it when he saw his father waving impatiently in his direction. He jogged ahead to catch up with his parents, who were already halfway to the doors of Welton’s chapel.
“Son, enough stalling. Let’s get inside, right now.” Todd’s father snapped. He kept his voice low, as a few other families were milling around in the parking lot.
Todd’s mother didn’t say anything. She gave her son a small smile and patted him on the shoulder in a way that was meant to be reassuring. Instead, it just made Todd feel weird. The Andersons were not a touchy family. As far as Todd could remember, they never had been.
Not with Todd.
That, and he just didn’t like being touched much to begin with. It made his skin itch. He brushed his mother’s hand off his shoulder and stepped away from her. She frowned and walked a little faster so she was closer to her husband. Todd figured his mom must have felt bad about the way his dad had talked to him just then, or something.
—
Todd followed his parents inside the building, where some of the other students and families were already seated. The chapel was a rather impressive room. Sconces lined the stone walls, casting warm light all over the room. Banners hung from the walls as well, all boasting achievements of previous classes over several decades. There was a long rug leading from the front of the room to the back, ending just before the dais where teachers and the headmaster sat. And of course, the rows and rows of pews. There were even stained glass windows through which the early morning light filtered in, casting parts of the room in rich colors. The windows were that ornate kind Todd remembered from when his mother made her sons attend Mass as children. It was so different from Balincrest. Colder. Over the din of chatter, air conditioning came to life, and the rush of air ruffled Todd’s hair. Before he could gawk any more at the rest of the room, he was ushered into a pew seat between his parents. They were fairly close to the dais, which Todd knew was intentional. Easier to see the old geezer the school employed as headmaster, he assumed.
As the opening ceremony began, Todd fought to keep his attention at the front of the room, rather than his shoes out of the window. Somewhere more interesting. Welton’s headmaster was not a gifted speaker, and his voice was a low drone -- not at all conducive to keeping a bunch of teenagers’ attention. Todd could’ve sworn he saw a handful of younger boys falling asleep.
And then came the weirdest part.
First, the bagpipe player. Then, a group of four boys came down the aisle between pews, all holding banners. The headmaster called it the four pillars, which Todd thought was kind of stupid. Who even said stuff like that anymore?
Todd looked around at the other students, trying to see if anyone else looked as confused as he felt.
None did. Great.
But one boy caught Todd’s eye. The one at the very end, the one holding the excellence banner. He was tall and brunet with brown eyes to match. His face was set in a thin line, sharp gaze pointed forward. Most importantly, he was handsome and dangerously so. Just looking at him made Todd’s heart beat faster. His throat went dry. He’d never been so enraptured before; he couldn't look away from Banner Boy. Todd wondered if he liked boys, too. Probably not. Todd quietly mourned the loss of whatever they could’ve had as something to do with candles was happening in the front pews. Man, this place was weird.
Todd’s face went red as a tomato when he felt someone else — no, his father — glaring at him a moment later, having caught on to his staring. Todd gulped and looked away from the older man quickly. He was doing so well at making himself appear as straight as possible, too! Damn. Todd reminded himself he was just a teenage boy, after all, but it didn't make him feel any better. Or less embarrassed. Nobody else needed to know this secret.
A whole torturous hour later, when the opening ceremony was finally over, Todd and his parents joined the swarm of others slowly streaming out of the building. They stopped by the aged headmaster once they reached the doors. He stood straight as a board, dressed in dark slacks and a blue dress shirt, his thin, graying hair styled in a comb over. His face was pale and wrinkled, like the pages of an old book. The man smiled at passing teachers and students as they passed. Without the smile, he reminded Todd of his grandfather, and not in a good way, either.
Todd tried to keep his mind on the day’s tasks. He mentally prepared himself for an agonizing conversation his parents would force him into, when all he wanted was to get to his room and unpack, a much calmer activity.
“Nice to see you, Gale,” His dad greeted, smiling wider than perhaps was necessary. They shook hands. Oh my God, get a life, Todd thought, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. He would never understand why his parents liked that guy, or others like him, so much. They probably ran in the same country club circles.
As he watched his parents have quite possibly the most boring conversation ever, Todd grew increasingly annoyed. He just hoped a hole would open up in the floor to swallow him up before he had to actually speak. Though debate tournaments helped, speaking in public was still decidedly not Todd’s forte. He had a nervous stutter his parents had hated since the very day it developed. It wasn't even his fault that he had crippling social anxiety. Or was it?
Todd was jolted out of his thoughts by a familiar voice — his mom’s. Oh, no.
“This is Todd, our youngest.” She put her hand on his back and pushed Todd toward the older man in front of them. He wanted to shrivel up and die, realizing she was apparently hellbent on making him “be polite,” which Todd did not want to do. Still, he braced himself and sucked it up. The Andersons were all about saving face.
Todd nearly tripped as he stepped forward, but regained his footing quickly enough to escape notice. He reached for the outstretched and before him. Mr. Nolan’s hand was sweaty and warm, entirely unpleasant to shake. There was a louder general hum of noise than before, and it was setting Todd on edge.
He tried to act cheerful, though, and not to invoke that stutter of his. He mumbled a quiet hello as he stepped back from the headmaster and even smiled a little. His mother tried to touch him again. He shrugged her off.. Again. Todd picked somewhere out the window to stare while his Dad chattered away. It was kind of bad manners to tune things out, not that Todd cared, but his parents didn’t need to know that.
Todd had almost tuned out the dull conversation between his parents and Nolan when he heard a mention of Jeffrey. His left eye twitched slightly, completely of its own volition.
The “You have some rather large shoes to fill, Mr. Anderson,” from Mr. Nolan was enough to make Todd want to scream right there in the open. He truly couldn’t go anywhere in the whole state of Vermont without being haunted by his older brother. Even back at Balincrest, people knew Jeffrey Anderson and usually also knew their Dad. But never Todd.
A few different responses to Nolan popped into his head then, all mostly involving somewhere Todd wanted to shove his foot. Instead, he just nodded and said, “Thank you, sir,” quietly. That hole opening up in the floor was sounding better and better by the second. So was leaving. Todd almost missed Balincrest. Almost. There was no Banner Boy at Balincrest.
In the chapel with his parents and fellow students, Todd should have felt happy. Excited, even, to be at a new school. Instead, it fell woefully flat. Welton was so different already. Stricter, more traditional, and colder in every sense of the word.
In a room of other kids who had been good enough to be in this place all along, Todd felt smaller and more insignificant than ever.
—
He was thanking his lucky stars by the time they left the chapel, just minutes after their conversation with Nolan. Todd’s parents, familiar enough with campus from Jeff's time there, drove over to the field house to get Todd his paperwork and anything else the school deemed necessary on the first day.
After another few minutes inside, the Andersons walked out of the field house building. Todd clutched the papers he’d been given in one hand. With the other, he reached for the door before his mom stopped him, her hand on his. Rather unceremoniously, his dad came around to move his things from the trunk onto the nearby sidewalk. Todd was side-eyeing them, but somehow he knew what was happening.
"Your father and I have to go, Todd," his mom said once his dad was done, "Or we'll be late for that Yale alumni lunch at the club. You understand we have an obligation elsewhere, don't you?"
"Yeah, I get it," Todd replied. "Bye, Mom."
“Alright, goodbye then, dear. Don’t stay up too late tonight,” his mom replied. She patted his shoulder, then got in the car. His dad was pulling away from the lot as his mom waved through the window, and that was it. His parents just up and left. Wonderful.
Todd wanted to cry. Again. Tears welled up in his eyes; he sniffled softly. He was all alone and woefully under-prepared to get himself (and his stuff) from the field house all the way to the dormitories. He wasn't even sure where that was! As he stood, a little dazed, the sound of car tires crunching on parking lot gravel still rang faintly in his ears. His parents were so lucky that he had been a light packer this time around.
Still seething on the inside, Todd collected his belongings and started walking, a map of the campus clutched in his hand. He sent a quick text to Steven for good measure, hoping he was around for assistance, or at least offering him directions. For all his smarts, Todd was… Well, somewhat directionally challenged. He hated reading maps. He hated it when his parents just took off like that. Welton must just purposely plan things at inconvenient times, Todd reasoned, and unfortunately for him, Steven was busy. His cell phone buzzed from his front pocket as the text confirming it came in.
Well, shit, he thought, grumbling something to himself about unreliable friends. Todd wondered if his friend wasn’t holed up somewhere, probably making out with his boyfriend. Secretly, Todd envied his ability to be out publicly.
Todd sighed. He kicked a rock he saw on the sidewalk ahead for good measure. And childish as it was, he still kind of wanted to cry.
Maybe his dad would come back. Maybe Jeff would make the drive over, all the way from New Haven. That would be something. Todd’s cell phone remained quiet.
—
By the time Todd made it from the field house’s parking lot to the main campus area, he was even more annoyed than before. Plus a bit cold from the wind that blew intermittently. It was a cloudy day, just right for rain.
Todd consulted his map again, then began walking. He saw other students and parents milling around, but even the idea of asking anyone else for directions made him feel queasy. Todd’s heart beat faster just thinking about it, and not in a good sort of way. The bay way that reminded him he was better off staying quiet unless he absolutely had to talk.
It was then that someone strode up to him. The sound of footsteps at his side was enough to make Todd look up, wondering what poor soul had chosen to talk to him of all people. Surely there were at least a dozen more interesting people to talk to.
Standing at his side was Banner Boy from earlier that morning. Oh, no.
“I’m Neil Perry,” Banner Boy said, as if that even mattered. He stuck out his hand. He even had a stupid smile on his face, like he was happy to see Todd of all people.
Todd shook his hand, begrudgingly so. It was warm, but not uncomfortable like Nolan’s had been. “Um, hi? I’m Todd. Todd Anderson.”
They kept walking, toward what Todd could only hope was the boys’ dorm. Banner Boy -- Neil -- kept talking, trying to keep the conversation going, much to Todd's annoyance. Why don’t the talkative people just leave the quiet ones alone? He wondered.
“Yeah, Meeks told me about you. So, why’d you leave Balincrest, anyway?”
Todd’s eyes went wide. His face grew hot. Of all the questions…
“My brother, Jeff, went here,” was all he offered in reply, not wanting to elaborate further. Potential roommate or not, this guy didn’t need to know his business. Todd didn’t make eye contact with Neil, keeping his eyes on the path ahead. He hoped this guy didn’t think he was weird for not looking at him. Maybe Todd just didn’t want to, social etiquette and whatever be damned.
“Oh, so you're that Anderson,” Neil had the nerve to joke. Todd wanted to blow this boy up with his mind. Who the hell says that?
Todd, already halfway to mentally planning a murder, gave a tight-lipped smile. “Yeah, I guess I’m that Anderson.”
Todd hoped he hadn't caught onto his nervousness all of a sudden. Any mention of his older brother tended to do that. Thankfully, the other boy switched subjects just as they were rounding a corner and avoiding walking straight into a very large tree.
“I hear we’re gonna be roommates.”
“Seriously? How do you even know that already?” Todd was really going to do it this time. This guy, his roommate? There was no way.
“Yeah, I think so. My friend Charlie found out and texted me about it, though I don’t have the faintest clue how he managed that,” Neil chuckled. Steven had mentioned someone named Charlie to him before, but only now did Todd realize he had neglected to mention Neil. Weird. If Steven didn’t have a boyfriend already, he would have thought it was because Neil was handsome… Not that that mattered, of course. Todd had already made up his mind about Neil Perry, and no amount of good hair days or dazzling white smiles was going to change it.
The two boys continued walking ahead, their footsteps echoing soft;y on the concrete sidewalk. Neil pointed out many of the buildings that dotted the campuses they passed, slowing his gait so Todd could take it all in gradually. Neil watched him in silence, a faint smile on his face, allowing the other boy to take it all in. Welton was of another caliber than Balincrest, that was for certain. The moment struck a familiar chord in Neil, bringing back pleasant memories of his own first day at Welton at just twelve, every cell of him filled with both excitement and apprehension.
As they drew closer to their destination, Neil continued pointing out different buildings. Todd’s head spun. There were the admin offices, the various academic buildings, the teachers’ quarters, and the lower forms’ dormitories, all before you ever got to where the upper form students lived. Welton was huge, and it made Todd feel queasy thinking about navigating it.
After fifteen whole minutes of walking through the campus, they finally reached the upperclassmen boys’ dorm building. The same brick and stone facade, the same creeping ivy vines, greeted them.
Inside, though, it was like an oasis in the desert — quiet, low-lit perfection. Neil held open the door for Todd, who mumbled his thanks and stepped inside first. Todd gave the entryway a more than cursory glance, sizing it up. The narrower hallways and relatively small common room of Balincrest paled in comparison to this. Todd took a deep breath before they turned another corner and headed down the left hall, where the actual rooms were.
And then it happened.
On the third door down were two placards; one had Neil’s name on it. The other? Todd’s.
Todd’s left eye twitched. He dropped the suitcase he’d been holding. He seethed. He really, really wanted to make that stupid, annoying Neil Perry explode with his mind.
“Are you kidding me?”