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Satoru Gojo loved touch.
Despite what one would believe, what he had fabricated them to believe, after so many years, with the constant wall he had always built up and blocking them from such a thing, he loved it.
Craved it even if he was asked if there was anything on this earth he could have at this exact moment, no consequences, he'd blurt out touch without a moment of hesitation. He would relish the feeling of human contact, while the poor soul, who would have wished for a better life, watched as he took a life-changing opportunity and used it for an everyday occurrence.
But unfortunately for him, there is no one who could grant such a wish, and he is left starving for something he could not have.
There was a time when he could, on rare occasions, reach for a hand and be granted one back when he was first taken from his parents, still young, and he was guided by hand away, and then into parts of the compound he had never been seen before.
That had ended quickly, though, as the elders had decided he needed to work more on upholding infinity, which meant no more physical touch for him.
He remembers when he first understood what it meant when it was weeks later when he was to accompany a sorcerer on a mission. They were crossing the street, and he had watched a boy about his age grab his parents hand before crossing. He had just thought that it was something you were to do in such a situation. He'd never left the compound before, never crossed a street, so he reached up and grabbed the older man's hand and tried his best to hide the flinch when he pulled back as if he had burnt him and snapped at him for not having his infinity up.
Satoru was confused. Why would he need to have it up? He had already learned it, they had moved on to a new aspect, now he was supposed to try out blue today. That's why he was here. They never cared too much about how he practiced his techniques once they deemed them good enough. Before, what was so different about this? Why was he upset with him?
"You are not to let anyone touch you." The man had ordered once he had asked, "The power you hold is too important for you to throw your life away because you couldn't walk across the street by yourself, do you understand?"
Satoru had swallowed and nodded, not bothering to say no, he didn't understand how he wasn't throwing his life away because he had dropped infinity for a couple of seconds, or how he didn't understand how dropping it was any more of a risk than keeping it running when it made him exhausted and gave him headaches.
He understood one thing, though: this wasn't like his lessons on curse energy control or on how to focus his eyes. It wasn't something to be worked on, mastered, and then left to his own devices; it was permanent.
He was never going to be allowed casual touch again.
When the mission was over and he was back in the comfort of his own room Satoru cried for the first time in years.
He'd heard once from a servant that when he was born, the only thing he seemed to cry for was touch. He wasn't fussy at all, but the moment he went too long without his mother holding him to her chest, it'd be as if a switch would flip, and he'd wail and wail until he was back in her arms.
He wouldn't know, of course; he doesn't remember. These are all stories from years ago; they could be dramatized, he doesn't even remember his mother's touch, he doesn't even remember her. But he decided that she was to blame. Whoever she is, she must be the reason he is like this, why he craves something he can't have. Has this itch he can't reach but can't have anyone scratch it.
It's because she did, and she couldn't do that anymore. She had conditioned him to expect an answer to his cry, and now he couldn't even cry about it. The strongest sorcerer doesn't cry, let alone about something as trivial as touch.
So he sucked it up, accepted what his life had become, and never let anyone touch him, even when he became more rebellious and stopped letting his technique and strength be used against him, but to his advantage, when he started sneaking out and realized his clan was full of shit.
He wouldn't drop it.
He couldn't.
Out of all the shitty programming they tried to put into him, don't let others touch you had stuck.
Others would certainly be grateful for it; it's not the worst thing to have been stuck with. He could've been worse than a dick than he already was.
But to him…
Satoru would never wish this feeling on anyone.
To want something so badly, more than anything, but having it engraved into you that you couldn't have it, that it will never be yours.
That no one will ever give it to you.
Jujutsu tech was different.
He wasn't treated differently due to his status in the world; he couldn't be, when his two classmates had no idea of the clan's significance and no proper understanding of what he was.
Yes, their seniors didn't like him all that much, and they were just as avoidant as the kids in the clan, but it wasn't just with him; they also avoided Suguru like the plague, which meant the upperclassmen were a bunch of insecure shit heads, and it wasn't a him problem!
Or at least it wasn't his problem alone.
Their loss, really, he would've made an excellent junior; now he'll just have to be an even better senior than they were when his time comes, which evidently won't be all that difficult. The bar is very low; having a single conversation with them would automatically make him better.
However, that was beside the point, and a year from now.
Now, at 16 years old, Satoru Gojo has friends for the first time in his life.
Actual friends like the type he'd seen in the stores he'd sometimes sneak out to when he was bored with training, friends that'd bicker and laugh together, steal each other's food, the type of thing he'd never dare to hope for but always wanted.
And now he had it.
Yes, it took a while, given that when he first arrived, it was made very clear that he had no idea how to interact with his peers, leading him to keep to himself in fear that if he opened his mouth, it would be very obvious.
He'd rather be the quiet, mysterious type than the awkward homeschool kid.
It had taken two weeks and their first mission, or rather, after their first mission together, for him to finally get the courage to talk.
Okay, fine, he didn't get the courage to do anything. Suguru had invited him to lunch to celebrate their first mission, well done, to which he had stared awkwardly until Shoko had attempted to pull him forward, only for Satoru to throw up infinity on instinct.
He had agreed afterwards brain fully rebooted before she could comment on it and had even offered to pay for the food it had taken a slip of a tongue, a inside thought accidentally making itself outside of his head in to his classmates about the creepiness of Yaga's dolls and shocked but agreeing laughs from the two when they gotten there for him to realize that he was being ridiculous, that he could be normal and interact and to waste two weeks hiding away from what he came here to do was insane.
It was history from there, really. Once he started, Satoru never stopped talking; that is, much to their dismay, they had quickly learned that Satoru had a lot of inside thoughts that he had been keeping to himself. He wasn't quiet or mysterious at all. But, a little shit, and now that he was comfortable enough to show it, he was going to keep doing it, no matter if it was appropriate or not.
With this comfortably came something else, something even when he had first realized he had friends he hadn't expected to want.
Hadn't expected he'd allow himself to want.
When it started, the want somehow both built up and took him entirely by surprise.
It first appeared when Suguru ruffled Shoko's hair teasingly to annoy her for a second, and Satoru found himself wishing he'd do the same to him despite the context. The thought was so brief, he immediately discarded it the second it formed; he had figured it was a fluke and shaken it off. Maybe he was just tired, his thoughts straying; it didn't mean anything.
And then the 3rd year from Kyoto, who Shoko immediately clicked with, Utahime had practically thrown herself into her arms one day, asking if she was coming to save her from him and Suguru.
Usually, he'd respond with something about how she was lucky to have his company and how she should be glad for it, but something else had his attention.
Shoko had thrown an arm around the girl, rubbing her back as if to say there, there, and for the second time in a week, Satoru's thoughts had betrayed him.
I want someone to hold me like that.
It scared him thinking that, but he had waited for it to go away, like it had before, to brush it off like another fluke, but then Shoko brought her other hand to her head, glaring at them playfully and saying something Satoru couldn't process because the feeling had doubled instead of going the hell away.
He remembers leaving before they could detach, muttering something about being tired and running off to his room after assuring Suguru he was just fine.
He fell asleep shortly after reaching his dorm, having run infinity all day. It wasn't hard, and when he woke up, the feeling was gone. He breathed out a sigh of relief and shook his head that he was in such a panic for nothing. Just a fluke. He reassured himself once more.
The very next day, he couldn't deny it anymore.
A curse of all things was what did it.
A very cool curse, but a curse nonetheless.
They were assigned to a 1st grade, and when they got to the location of the thing, having not read the report, they were shocked to find a dragon flying in and out of the building.
They had agreed right then and there. Suguru was absorbing it; there was no way they were going to allow something that cool to die. It didn't even have that ugly, twisted look most curses had; it was just a dragon straight out of a fantasy tale. Whoever made this up couldn't have been scared of the thing.
The moment that had beaten the thing and got it down to the hatchet, Satoru demanded that he summon it.
"You just saw it."
"Yeah, but that's when it was against us. I wanna see it when it likes us"
"Just because I absorb a curse doesn't automatically mean it will like us, let alone you."
"Yeah, she will. She wanted to like us before I could see it in her eyes."
"Right."
"I always am now summon her."
And he listened, just as he always does, eventually, because nine times out of ten, he wants to do the dumb idea Satoru has and just doesn't want to admit it.
Satoru was, of course, right. The dragon did love them, if any media with dragons is anything to go by; she showed all the signs.
She let them touch her, she did the whole headbutt thing, even let him sit on her back, which was a lot more willing than Suguru about it for sure.
Eventually, the fun had to end, and Satoru slid off its back, agreeing to call a manager to come pick them up, since Suguru was a total buzzkill and wouldn't let them ride her back.
Once the phone call was over, someone letting them know they'd be there in thirty minutes, Satoru had intended to drag Suguru to get a snack from a cafe a couple of blocks down the road, something small he had noticed on the way there, but what he saw when he lifted his head caused the words to die in his throat.
Suguru had not put the curse away but was instead looking at it as if it were a pet he's had for ages and not a curse he had helped beat half to death moments ago while softly petting its cheek.
In that moment, what he should've been thinking was of any way to tease Suguru about his instant love for the thing that had tried to murder him, maybe throw his words back in his face, or a "I told you so."
None of those things was it, though not even close. No, all he could think of in that moment was.
I want him to do that to me.
He wanted him to touch him as softly and with as much care as he did the curse to hold him as if he were something that needed to be treated lightly. It made him sick.
He didn't need to be treated with care or be held, he wasn't delicate or soft, he was born with the ability to keep those things away, he wasn't supposed to be touched. Why else would he have a built-in wall to keep it away?
That's what he tells himself, what he told himself for years to keep the hurt away. Still, for some reason right he right now watching hands he knows can punch through a curse with no issue hold on to something like he's afraid it may break with to much force despite the thing having just rammed its body through a building moments ago even though it too was not built for soft touches those thoughts didn't sound as rational anymore, it didn't assure him like he did when he was ten and alone it didn't make it better he couldn't find the logic in it anymore.
If a curse a monster could be touched, why couldn't he?
Words have been echoing in his head since he was eight; they have followed him everywhere, from across that street to the clan to every store he's walked in and every mission he's been to. They had even followed him here.
"You are not to allow anyone to touch you."
And he hadn't for years; no one had touched him, but in that moment, the words had finally faded, washed away with every other lesson the clan had forced upon him, replaced with something he hadn't dared think.
I want to be touched.
I want-
Suguru turns around and shoots him a bashful smile, caught, and brings a hand to rub the back of his neck. "Okay, you were right, she's not that bad."
As if the dragon understood what he said, she gently nudges her head against his stomach, causing Suguru to laugh.
I want Suguru to touch me.
He wanted Suguru to touch him as he did the curse to hold him just as gently as if he was afraid to break him. He also wanted the casual touches, the hair ruffles, and back pats. He wanted Suguru to touch him as if it meant nothing, and he wanted him to touch him as if it meant everything.
"Satoru?" Suguru snapped a finger in front of his face suddenly standing a lot closer the rainbow dragon nowhere to be seen.
"Yeah?"
"I asked how long until the driver got here?" Suguru looks at him curiously, "What were you thinking about so intensely?"
"How I was right and you were wrong." He lies easily, hoping the slight roughness of his voice doesn't give him away. Yes, he does want Suguru to touch him, but to outright ask doesn't seem like the normal thing to do. He may not know a lot about having friends. Still, he knows one friend doesn't just go up to the other and ask him to "touch them anywhere, really doesn't matter, I just have the need to feel your hands on me, like I feel the need to breathe out of a sudden, no biggy, right?"
Yeah, no, not happening.
He'll just have to get Suguru to touch him naturally. He focuses back at Suguru, who is rolling his eyes at his reply, but he looks more fond than annoyed, and he moves to stand beside him so he can't be that upset.
It can't be that hard, he thinks, taking note of how easy it would be for Suguru to throw a hand over his shoulder with a push in the right direction.
Right?
Operation get Suguru to touch him has so far been a complete failure.
It was frustrating how hard it was to get a damn handshake
Why is it that when Satoru wasn't actively seeking out touch, Suguru seemed to be the most physically affectionate person alive, and now that he is, Suguru just stops?
He tried everything, walking too close, dropping Infinity, knocking, or rather attempting to knock their feet or arms together. When Suguru was close enough, he even tried reaching for Suguru first.
Nothing.
Every single time Suguru would slightly move right out of his touch, subtly enough to make it seem as if it wasn't on purpose, but directly out of his reach nonetheless, and often enough that Satoru knew it was on purpose that Suguru was avoiding touching him.
It was driving him insane.
The only thing that worked to any extent was sparring.
And wasn't that sad, the only way he could get his best friend to lay a hand on him was if he was beating him with it.
He had figured this out, desperate one day, trying to think of any way to get Suguru to touch him, when he remembered that before Suguru was apparently allergic to him, he had suggested that Satoru start training with Infinity off in case there came a time when he couldn't use it.
Of course, Satoru had done this before, years ago. He wasn't an idiot; he had learned the basics of fighting with it off, and he had told Suguru exactly that, because then he wasn't all that keen on the idea of letting Infinity down for anything besides sleep.
He's glad he hadn't told Suguru this at the time, though, because it was now currently his trump card, the cheat code to get Suguru to lay a hand on him, which was worth it even if the hand was quite violently it was better than nothing especially when he'd help him off the floor when Suguru threw him on his ass.
Which is what Satoru is trying to get him to do now. Yes, it's pathetic, but it's been a long week, and his 16th birthday is coming up, so he's going to treat himself to a bit of three-second hand holding, sue him.
All he has to do is seem lost enough in thought, put too much weight into one foot, and boom, he'd be on the floor and helped up.
So that's what he does stops thinking about what he's trying to do and focuses on the color of the grass, how long it is anything really just to seem as if he isn't paying attention and when Suguru attacks him Satoru moves out of the way adding too much weight onto one foot and then like clock work Suguru promptly sweeps a foot behind his and knocks him over leaving Satoru to fall on his ass no infinity to catch him.
"Ow." He rubs his head even though he didn't land on it, sitting up slightly, so he's not flat on the floor but still on the ground.
"Dramatic," Suguru rolls his eyes fondly, letting out a chuckle, "That didn't hurt."
"Yes, it did, Suguru. I am delicate; you can't just throw me around like any other person." He crosses his arms and glares at him in mock offense that Suguru dare insist his very hard fall to the ground hadn't at least stung enough for his very tame reaction.
"Delicate," he repeats, not taking him seriously in the slightest, "right."
Satoru squints at his tone of voice, "Why are you saying it like that?"
"Satoru, you find thrill in actually getting hurt in a fight."
"Nooo," He denies, waving a finger in his friend's face, "I like actually having to try, and getting hurt is proof of that, but I don't enjoy getting hurt."
"My mistake." Suguru grabs the finger currently swinging in his face before latching onto his whole hand and lifting him up with ease, "Really shouldn't space off like that, why someone is attacking you sa-to-ru."
Suguru goes into this whole tangent about not losing yourself in battle, and a bunch of other stuff, Satoru has already heard before
Satoru isn't focused on that, however, because Suguru is still holding on to his hand. Satoru looks at their entangled hands in almost disbelief.
Suguru is still touching him.
Not letting go immediately like usual.
No, he's actually touching him and holding on; he's holding his hand.
"Satoru, are you even listening?" Suguru finally seems to take notice of his lack of tuning in to the conversation.
"Hmm?" Satoru hums, not lifting his head from the contact. "What you'd say?"
Suguru follows his gaze downward to see what has grabbed his attention and immediately draws his hand back. Satoru is left with the same feeling in his chest that he had when he was eight, crossing the street.
"Sorry-"
"Why did you do that?" Satoru blurts out self-control that he was barely holding onto before it was long gone now that he had a test of Suguru's hand in his.
"I'm sorry," he apologizes again, sounding guilty for some odd reason, and not for the reason he wanted him to. He's not sorry for letting go; he's sorry for holding on. " I had forgotten, I would've let go sooner-"
"Why?" Satoru cuts him off, almost pleading, "Why would you have let go. Why did you let go at all? Why won't you touch me?"
"I-" Suguru stutters, seemingly taken aback by "I don't understand."
"You don't understand?" Satoru lets out a sad laugh, a puff of air really. "Suguru, we've known each other for months. I thought we were friends."
"We are friends." He quickly assures
"Then why won't you hug me? Why did you snatch your hand away
"Wait, Satoru-"
"I know it's not because you don't like touch," he continues, not allowing him to talk, not that he has the opportunity to talk about what's been weighing on him for weeks. "You have no problem being physical with Shoko. You mess with her hair, lean on her shoulder with no issue."
"Satoru-' Suguru tries to cut into the spiral again, a fruitless attempt.
"Is it me?" He finally asks the question, the possibility that he was scared to admit to himself —that for some reason, Suguru just doesn't want to touch him.
That the clan was right, he was untouchable if he wanted it or not.
"Did I do something?" Satoru asks, eyes meeting with Suguru.
"You done?" Suguru asks after a few minutes of silence, not wanting to risk being cut off again.
Satoru rolls his eyes at the question. He's been sitting here waiting for a response. Of course, he was done. "Yes, Suguru, I'm done."
"Okay." He nods, taking a breath. "I'm going to be honest, I'm a little confused."
Satoru blinks. Confused, what does he have to be confused about? He was very clear.
"About?"
"This," He gestures his hands outwards, "Satoru, I thought you didn't like people touching you."
Now it's Satoru's turn to be confused. How could he possibly have come to that conclusion? He was always reaching out for him, and he had Infinity down at all times around him. He was begging in everything but words for him to lay a hand on him, and Suguru had somehow thought he didn't want him to??
"What- how could you possibly think that?" Satoru questions, "I am consistently leaning into your side, I ask to spar way more times than needed, and I practically drop infinity the second you enter the room in case today's the day Suguru Geto finally gets the hint."
Suguru at least has the decency to look a little embarrassed. "I thought you were just doing that unconsciously," he says, rubbing behind the back of his neck. "And it's not like the idea of you, of all people, wanting to spar every day is out of the ordinary."
"So what, when I'd have infinity down around you almost every second of the day, you thought it was nothing out of the ordinary, too." He bites out, he told Suguru how hard it was for him to drop it, even if it wore him out to keep it on, how having it up was second nature for him, and he thought he understood what it meant for him to drop it around him.
"No!" Suguru's eyes widen in panic at yet another misunderstanding joining this conversation. "Of course not, I just didn't know it was an invitation to touch, I know how tired you get keeping it up, even though you feel as if you have to. I thought you dropping it meant you trusted me to have your back. That I could be your Infinity in a way…" His face turns red once his brain catches up with his mouth.
"…Oh."
Suguru's face cringes still bright red. "That was cheesy and stupid and now a little embarrassing knowing that isn't the case."
"It was a little cheesy," Satoru smiles at him, a little teasing but mostly soft, which Suguru turns. However, embarrassment is underlying his "But it wasn't stupid and you shouldn't be embarrassed, while no, that may not have been the reason. In my head, I do trust you to have my back, I mean, I kinda have to, given the nature of a hug."
"Right." Suguru nods, still looking a little sheepish. "Do you want one?"
"What?"
"A hug." He clarifies, “Do you want one, like, now?”
“Not if you're going to say it like that.” Satoru smacks his teeth, "wouldn't want you to think of it as a chore."
Suguru's eyes flicker over his face, amused, "Do you usually get this defensive when put into vulnerable positions?"
"I'm not getting defensive," Satoru argues even though he knows that's precisely what he's doing. He's getting defensive because he is nervous for no good reason. This is what he's wanted for weeks, and now it's being offered to him, yet instead of saying yes, as he should, he's doing this.
"Mmmh," Suguru hums, waving a hand between them, "stuff like this is why I thought you were touch averse."
"I'm not." Satoru blurts out before his brain can truly process that Suguru no longer thinks this.
"Yeah, Satoru, I got that." Sugruru laughs at him again, "You still haven't answered my question, by the way."
And because he just can't help himself, he just keeps going "Yeah, because who asks like that?! Do you want like now?" He says in an awful impression of Suguru.
"Well, if you have the time of day, sure I'd appreciate-"
"Satoru," Suguru cuts his rambling off and steps into his space so he's directly in front of him, nowhere to run.
"Can I hug you?" He asks softly.
Satoru bites his lip and nods.
"Please."
With no moment of hesitation, Suguru is finally pulling him into his chest, wrapping his arms around his back, and giving him what he's longed for all his life.
He immediately shoves his head into the corner of Suguru's shoulder, wrapping his arms around Suguru's waist tightly, not giving Suguru the opportunity to pull back.
He hears Suguru let out a puff of air; he must be squeezing too hard, but he can't bring himself to care.
"If you wanted a hug this bad, you should've asked." Suguru teases into his hair, "or at least prepared me on how strong your hugs are."
Before Satoru could tell him how he, too, had an idea how forceful he'd get once in someone's arms, Suguru takes one hand from his back and brings it to the back of his head, gently running his fingers through his hair.
Satoru is mortified by the pathetic whimper he lets out at the action and shoves his face harder into Suguru's neck.
Thankfully, Suguru doesn't say anything; he just keeps doing what he's doing without complaint, even when they've been standing there for too long and his arms must be tired.
"You can let go," Satoru speaks up, the bit of guilt for keeping him in this position so long finally getting to him, not enough to get him to let go before Suguru, though, especially because he might let go "if you want to go shower or something, I have been keeping you here too long."
Suguru flicks him on the head gently. "Don't be stupid, I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be, which I do. You're not the only one who wants affection from their best friend."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"I told you I thought you didn't want it, and you being comfortable meant way more than me getting a hug." He brings his arm back down to his back and lays his head on Gojo. "It's nice to be able to hug you, though you've always looked soft. Nice to know you feel it too."
"Oh," Satoru says quietly.
Suguru wanted to touch him, too. He's not just doing this because he feels bad.
Suguru thought he looked soft. Suguru thought he felt it too.
He's fucking horrified once he feels tears welling up in his eyes. Ge tries to hold them in with pure determination, but to his disappointment, they fall.
Satoru has half a mind to just pull away from the hug out of pure embarrassment. It's one thing to practically beg for a hug, but to cry actual tears once receiving it is just plain pathetic.
Satoru can only pray that Suguru doesn't say anything, or better yet, doesn't notice.
Suguru makes a concerned noise, "Satoru." He tries to pry him off his chest, causing Satoru to hold on tighter. "Satoru, what's wrong? What happened?"
Dammit
"Nothing," he mumbles into his shoulder. "I'm fine, Suguru."
"Bullshit." He argues, trying harder to get a clearer view of his friend's face, "You're crying, I can feel it."
"… I'm sweating."
"Satoru."
"Fine," he sighs, defeated, walking into Suguru's hands, "but stop trying to get me to look at you, I'm not telling you this while looking you in the eyes."
"I'm not going to judge you," Suguru says, but lets his arms fall to his sides nonetheless. Satoru tries to not let the fact that they're not back on him bother him too much.
"I'll judge me," He groans.
Suguru lets out a small chuckle, "Now you develop shame?"
"I will bite you."
"Uh huh."
After a few beats of silence, he speaks up.
"It's just- it's been a while since I've had a hug." He explains, shifting slightly, that he kind of wishes he had let go now, recalling how he was brought to tears by a hug while clinging to someone who was no longer reciprocating, which must have looked pitiful. "I just reacted, I guess."
"How long is a while?" Suguru asks softly.
"I've heard once that my mother used to hold me as a baby." He laughs even though there is nothing humorous about it.
"…"
"Does that count?" Satoru lifts his head to peer at Suguru, who has an interesting look on his face, one that lasts for a few seconds without a response. "Suguru?"
Suguru gently pushes him forward to look at him clearly, seemingly forgetting his earlier wishes of not being looked in the eye. He doesn't let go of his arms once he has a clear view of his face, so Satoru doesn't bother fighting back.
"You're telling me you haven't had a hug in over ten years?"
He nods, "Just about, the clan wasn't very keen on letting others touch me after I figured out how to bring infinity to life. After that, it just became second nature." He shrugs
The expression on Suguru's face at confirmation is sad, no other way to describe it. Suguru looks sad, heartbroken, for him, and Satoru hates it.
He doesn't want him to be sad or look at him with pity like some wounded animal. He hated that look. He was fine. He didn't tell him this for Suguru to treat him any differently; it was an explanation to a natural reaction. He could've gone a decade longer without a hug, could've gone his whole life without it. Suguru didn't need to look at him as if he were denied food all his life.
"Stop looking at me like that." Satoru snaps, "I'm fine."
"You are not fine, Satoru. You basically begged me for a hug and then cried when you got it and shit- you've wanted this for weeks, and I've just been pulling away every time you've even gotten close." Suguru looks at him with sad, wide, and guilty eyes that he shouldn't have.
"It was just a reaction, and you didn't know, okay. I admit my methods weren't the best. I should've said something, so you can sleep easy knowing it wasn't your fault."
"Yes, yes, you should've said something," Suguru agrees, gripping and tightening, "but I can't, I won't sleep easy knowing you were dealing with this and didn't."
His eyes widen suddenly in realization, and he takes a stuttering breath, "Satoru.." Suguru starts slowly, "Satoru, please tell me you haven't been letting me hit you just so I'd touch."
"…Not every time."
Suguru let go of his arms as if they'd burned him. "Damn it, Satoru, why, why would you do that?"
"You're overreacting, Suguru. It's not like I've been letting you punch me in the face!"
"I'm overreacting?!?!" Suguru repeats almost hysterically, "I just found out my best friend has been using me to harm himself, but I'm overreacting."
Wait what?
Harm himself? Satoru was not harming himself; it was sparring, he wasn't letting Suguru beat him around, he was fighting back, and he sure as hell wasn't doing it as a form of self-harm; the opposite, actually, and he tells Suguru exactly that.
"Satoru, when you allow someone to hit you, that's self-harm."
"How is what I'm doing any different than just sparring regularly, as you said? It's not out of the ordinary for me to train excessively, so it can't be that."
"The outlook of a fight shouldn't be so that someone touches you, that's not okay." Suguru tries again voice leaving no room for argument. "You shouldn't seek touch out In violence."
Satoru quickly realizes this isn't something Suguru is going to let go, so he decides to just play along, even if he doesn't see the difference and doesn't agree with his self-harm narrative. He nods his head and acts as if he does anyway, just to give Suguru some peace of mind.
"Look," he sighs, "I realize it probably wasn't the best thing to do. I'm sorry." Not a complete lie, he reasons, there definitely was a better way to go about things; he could admit to that.
Suguru's eyes inspect his own before apparently finding enough truth in his words to let it go.
"Promise me you won't do that anymore." Suguru looks him straight in the eye, "If you want me to touch you, Satoru, you say so, don't have me hurt you for it."
"You give yourself too much credit; it barely hurt."
"Promise me."
Suguru's tone catches him off guard. He's never heard him sound so serious before, not like this. Yes, they've had their arguments, but it was always laced with frustration, not concern, not fear.
"Okay," Satoru nods, "I won't, promise."
Suguru sighs, some of the tension bleeding out of his shoulders. "Good," he nods before moving to sit on the floor, tired Satoru following suit.
After a few moments of silence, he speaks up.
"I'm not sparring with you for like a week by the way."
His heart drops for a second. He can't help it, not after so many weeks of sparring being his only form of physical touch, even though he knows he could just ask, even though he had just been told not to use sparring as a way to get it, he still can't help but think just for a moment.
He won't touch me for a week.
It's gone fast, but not fast enough, because Suguru sees his face fall anyway.
"Satoru…"
"It's gone, it's gone, I swear."
Suguru shoots him a look.
"Barely even formed." He reassures quickly.
"Ask," He says sternly.
"I will." He agrees, trying to sound as convincing as possible, maybe if he can get Suguru to believe he will, he might actually ask.
Suguru hums, clearly not convinced, "Show me."
Satoru's eyes widen, "What?"
"Show me that you can ask that you won't just sit in silence for a week as you've been doing."
"I'm not a child, Suguru. I don't need practice. I don't see why I need to do this."
"Because if you don't and never end up asking I'm just going to assume the next time you ask me to spar isn't because you actually want to train."
"You're being serious?" Satoru asks disbelief in his tone.
"Deadly," he answers, no room for disagreement in his response, "I won't touch you until you prove you can."
Satoru sighs, defeated. He wants to stay stubborn, but the only person who could match him in stubbornness is Suguru, and he knows he wouldn't spar with him again unless he proved he could do it.
"Suguru-" Satoru pauses, his heart is beating too fast, way too fast. Why is this so hard? It's just Suguru. Suguru who told him to do this who isn't going to tell him no.
Suguru, who is waiting patiently, has nothing but encouragement in his eyes.
It's just Suguru.
"Suguru, could you please touch me?"
"See, that wasn't so hard." He shuffles over to sit beside him and takes Satoru's hand in his and nudges their legs together.
Satoru shakes his head, letting out a shaky breath, "It was extremely difficult, actually."
"Well, you did it anyway, and I'm proud of you." Suguru squeezes his hand.
Satoru, not trusting himself to respond to that, just hums and lays his head on his shoulder. He has to scoot down a bit to make it work, but he eventually gets comfortable.
Suguru, the blessing that he is, doesn't say anything; he simply rests his head on his back and draws circles into Satoru's hand.
"Thank you," Satoru whispers, his voice tight due to the knot that has returned to his throat unwillingly.
He will not cry again; he refuses.
"Of course." Suguru turns his head and presses a kiss into his hair.
Fuck he's going to cry.
"Damn it." He hisses when the first tear falls. "This is your fault."
"What is?" Suguru asks, confused, since he can't see his face clearly and has no idea of the emotions he keeps forcing Satoru to feel.
"I keep fucking crying, and it's your fault." He lifts his head to headbutt his shoulder.
"Is it?"
"Yes, your fault and your gentle hands."
"You think they're gentle." Suguru brings the hand that's holding Satoru's up to his face to observe his own hand.
"That's not the point."
"Right, sorry," he drops their hands, "and I'm sorry for making you cry, but in my defense, that's probably because you're touch starved, not because I'm touching you."
Satoru doesn't say anything back, just waves a hand noncommittally, causing Suguru to snort.
"Lift your head," Suguru instructs softly after a few minutes of just sitting in each other's company, to which he complies.
Suguru then suddenly lets go of his hand and stands up to leave.
"Where are you going?" Satoru doesn't whine because he's not a child.
"I'm going to take a shower and then put on a movie in the living area." He says with some tone in his voice that Satoru can't understand at the moment.
"Oh," Satoru blinks, trying not to feel too disappointed. Suguru has given him enough already; no need to be greedy. "Okay, have fun."
Suguru scoffs at his reaction and squats down, muttering something about an idiot right in front of him, and does something Satoru couldn't prepare himself for.
He moves both of his hands upwards to cup the sides of his face, causing Satoru to gasp.
Suguru waits a second to give him time to adjust before talking again, "You're also going to take a shower and meet me in the living area, yes?"
"Oh," Satoru says simply because that should've been obvious when Suguru said it earlier.
Suguru laughs, "Yeah, oh."
"Can we cuddle?" Satoru suddenly asks not because he has gained sudden boldness, but because Suguru's hands are still on his face, and he has lost his mind as a result, his brain-to-mouth filter being nonexistent due to his own actions.
Suguru laughs softly, caressing his cheek with his thumb, and Satoru could melt right then and there. "Yeah, sweetheart, we can cuddle."
Satoru chokes on thin air, cheeks heating up.
Sweetheart?!?!
Where the hell did that come from?
"You're red." Suguru points out with false innocence as if it isn't because of him.
"No, I'm not." Satoru lies, he is, he probably is everywhere and all because of a stupid name.
"You are." He moves his hands downward to get a better view. "It's cute, nice to know you get flustered so quickly." He looks him in the eyes, teasing.
"Do not."
Suguru tilts his head. "Sure, you don't, sweetheart."
Despite his two-second prayer, Satoru knows he only grows more flustered at the repetition of the pet name and even redder when Suguru whispers "pretty" under his breath, as if he hadn't meant to say it out loud.
"Alright." Suguru says, shooting upwards, "See you in 30 minutes, don't be too late."
He then promptly shoves his hands in his pockets, turns a heel, and walks away, leaving Satoru stunned and alone.
Satoru waits until Suguru is a reasonable distance away before flopping onto the floor, shoving his hands over his face, and screaming.
This is going to kill him. Suguru Geto is going to kill him.
"Asshole." He mumbles to no one before dragging his hands off his face and forcing himself to walk towards the school.
"Fucking asshole."
Later, if Shoko finds two boys tangled together sleeping on the couch, one lying on the other's chest, while the other's hand is laid in the other's hair, and if she happens to take a picture or two that she will definitely use to blackmail them later, well, that's her business.