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Previously On Buddie Get Thrown into a Time Loop

“I’ve been living in a time loop!” Eddie bursts out.

And that…is not what Buck was expecting him to say.

He freezes, staring at Eddie in utter bewilderment.

But Eddie’s not done.

“Yeah, you heard that correctly,” Eddie says with a touch of hysteria in his voice. “This day, this accident, all of it! I’ve already done it dozens of times at this point! And there’s no use, Buck. There’s no use. No matter what you do, no matter what I do, it doesn’t matter. Any minute now, there’s going to be an aftershock that causes debris from above to come down and crush you. And I’ll have to watch you die before finally dying myself. And then I’ll wake back up tomorrow and do it all over again and there’s nothing either of us can do to stop it!”

Eddie pauses, and Buck can’t take his wide eyes off him. He has no idea what to say to that, but he needs to say something. He reaches out haltingly, tries to begin forming a response, but Eddie isn’t finished,

“Actually that’s not true,” Eddie half scoffs, half laughs. The sound is so startling to Buck. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard Eddie like this. “It is entirely within your power to not jump into this elevator and die with me, but no matter what I say or do you insist on being here. And I always watch you die and it is utterly unbearable, Buck!”

Finally finished, he takes a huge gasp of air. Buck worries about the loss of blood and what that diatribe has done to Eddie’s already tenuous physical state.

As he’s still figuring out what to say, monitoring Eddie’s vitals, he watches in horror as a few stray tears slip down Eddie’s cheeks. And it’s not from the physical pain he’s in, but the emotional torment he’s apparently been experiencing.

Buck knows he needs to say something, anything, to begin making this better. As if there is anything that could make this better. But he nods and begins coming up with a plan.

“Ok…ok then well,” Buck’s still nodding, hands fidgeting where they’re applying pressure, trying to keep himself grounded more than anything. “If this is a time loop usually that means there’s something you have to figure out and fix to break out of the time loop. Or maybe that’s just Groundhog Day, I’m not really sure. Chimney is the movie expert. Maybe you could ask him on the next go round?”

He gives a tiny shrug at the idea before moving closer. Buck keeps the pressure on Eddie’s wound, but uses his other hand to gently wipe away Eddie’s stray tears. It’s just a tad too intimate a gesture to be made under normal circumstances, but none of this is normal. Eddie is dying and talking about being caught in a time loop and all Buck wants to do is wipe away his pain, give Eddie back some dignity in this small space where they very well might spend their last moments on this Earth.

With the exhaustion of a man who Buck truly believes could have been living through this day multiple times, Eddie leans into Buck’s touch.

“You…you believe me?” Eddie’s voice whispers in disbelief.

“I mean, there’s a good chance you suffered some head trauma and you’ve lost a lot of blood,” Buck says, keeping his hand pressed to Eddie’s cheek as his eyes roam over his best friend’s face, checking for a head injury. He brushes his thumb lightly over Eddie’s cheekbone on reflex, feels a twinge of something other than panic for the first time as Eddie’s eyes flutter shut.

“But a time loop isn’t really the kind of thing you would come up with on your own, even with a head injury. That’s a little too universe screaming for you to ever admit in any circumstance other than actually being caught in a time loop,” Buck says, allowing himself a tiny smile as he continues scanning Eddie’s face. He tells himself he’s still looking for signs of a brain injury, but he knows he’s looking for something else. Something in Eddie has changed and Buck needs to know what exactly that is.

Then Eddie’s words from earlier come back and his eyes narrow.

“The most unbelievable part is you thinking I would ever abandon you to die alone and not do everything I can to save you, even if I keep failing,” his face falls slightly as he speaks. “So if you don’t mind, I’m still going to continue treating you just in case this is the one that sticks. But if it’s not, then please tell me earlier on the next loop and we can try to solve this thing together.”

Buck finishes with a light squeeze of Eddie’s shoulder, a promise to always be by his side.

“Of course you believe me,” Eddie laughs hysterically, startling Buck again. “Of course you want to help. That is just so…you.”

Before Buck can even process what Eddie means by that exactly, he’s suddenly being jerked forward. It only registers that somehow Eddie worked up the strength to reach his harness and tug when he feels a press of lips on his.

His brain knows they must be Eddie’s. That no one else is in here except for Eddie. That Eddie must have pulled him in with the intention of kissing him. But none of that makes sense, and Buck wonders if somehow he is dead and as a final gift his brain is granting him the one thing he’s always wanted but knew he could never have.

He’s unable to stop the small gasp from escaping his lips. His lips which are pressed against Eddie’s. Eddie’s lips which are kissing him. Because Eddie pulled him forward to do so.

Buck doesn’t know if Eddie just wants to feel one last moment of human connection before their untimely deaths. If Buck just happens to be the guy standing next to him. If Eddie even realizes what he’s doing.

But as Eddie’s lips stay on his without pulling away, Buck allows himself to let go of every doubt and question in his mind and just give in to the person he thought he would only get to do this with in his dreams.

He melts into the kiss. The hand he had used to wipe away Eddie’s tears now cups the man’s face gently as he finally kisses back, his entire body responding to Eddie. He makes sure to keep his other hand still pressed firmly against Eddie’s side, not letting himself get so lost in the moment that he brings any harm to his best friend.

Holding himself back might be the hardest thing he’s ever done, but his hands contain the most precious person in the world, so he does. When he leans in, he does so as carefully as he can, mindful of the state Eddie is in. Though as Eddie’s lips go pliant beneath his, parting just slightly, a heat takes over and Buck can’t stop himself from slipping his tongue into his best friend’s mouth.

And the crazy part? Eddie lets him.

Buck is on the verge of losing all control when the universe sends him a cruelly timed reminder of the predicament they have found themselves in. Another aftershock rocks the elevator and he moves to pull away, reality crashing back down (quite literally).

But Eddie doesn’t let him.

With strength Buck doesn’t know how he still has, he pulls Buck even tighter against him. And Buck, who has never been good at saying no to Eddie, lets him. Vaguely his brain registers the earth shifting around them, the sounds of metal shrieking and something tumbling above, but in his final moments all his senses are consumed by Eddie Diaz.

***

Buck gasps awake, arms reaching out to hold an Eddie that is no longer there.

Panting, Buck takes in his surroundings in a daze.

The first thing he notices is how light he feels, no longer weighed down by the heavy equipment of his firefighter turnouts. The next is how silent everything has gone, as if a blanket has been thrown over the world. Finally, he notes the feeling of, not the hard steel of an elevator beneath him, but instead the soft cushioning of a much familiar couch.

Somehow, he is no longer in a collapsing building trying desperately to save his best friend from a hopeless situation where he most certainly was going to die in front of Buck and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He doesn’t know how, but instead of waking up in that condemned elevator or a hospital, he instead is in one of the few places on Earth that has ever felt like home to him.

But he’s learned recently that the house itself isn’t what feels like home, and his heart hammers in his chest as he calls out for the one person who does.

“Eddie!”

The desperate cry leaves his lips before his brain even catches up to him, before it takes in the smell of toast burning in the kitchen or the sounds of someone shuffling around.

“What? What’s wrong, Buck?”

Relief washes over him as the familiar voice answers back, followed almost instantly by the man himself appearing from the kitchen doorway.

Hair still sleep tousled, brown-eyes wide with alarm, but living and breathing and no pole sticking out of his abdomen.

Buck has to be sure though. Needs to confirm Eddie isn’t about to drop dead in front of him.

With Eddie now within reach, Buck begins tugging his shirt up to look for the open wound that must surely be there.

“Whoooah, Buck what are you doing,” Eddie laughs nervously, yanking his shirt back down and leaning away slightly.

“You…you had a pole through your side! Why are you not in the hospital? Why are we not both in the hospital?” he sounds desperate and hysterical even to his own ears, but he’s not currently capable of modulating his tone.

Images of dirt and falling debris and a sensation of being crushed spin through Buck’s mind as he stares at this version of Eddie that seems utterly unharmed.

And concerned.

Eddie sits down on the coffee table across from the couch Buck has exiled himself to in the weeks since Eddie and Chris’ return. Because being back around Eddie every day, and living in such close proximity for an extended period of time, had forced Buck to acknowledge the truth Tommy and Maddie had tried to make him face months ago. And sharing a bed with his best friend, who he had only just realized he was completely and utterly in love with, had been entirely too much. So Buck had moved himself to the couch, despite Eddie’s protests.

And now said best friend is looking at him with his signature round, cow-brown eyes that seem to see straight into his soul.

“Buck, hey look at me. I’m fine, you were just having a bad dream,” Eddie reaches out, placing his hand on the groove in Buck’s neck that he swears was molded just for his touch.

“It wasn’t…it wasn’t all bad,” Buck says hoarsely, feeling heat rush to his cheeks as he remembers a press of lips against his. It takes every ounce of self-control he has to not let his gaze flicker down to Eddie’s mouth right in front of him. “It felt so real. I’ve never had a dream like that. Except for-”

Except for the days long vivid coma dream he had after he almost died. (Or did die, depending on who you asked.) But unlike in that dream, Eddie was there with him the whole time.

Eddie was with him and Eddie died.

Eddie gently squeezes Buck’s shoulder and Buck can’t help it, his gaze drops for just a moment as he remembers the wonderful sensation that was kissing Eddie Diaz.

“Tell me about it then. Frank told me that saying it out loud to someone else helps you realize how the dream doesn’t actually make sense,” Eddie smiles gently, and if he notices Buck’s wandering eyes he doesn’t say anything.

Buck snorts a little at that, coming back to himself.

“Yes, cause you’re the poster boy of opening up.”

“Shut up, I’m trying to help you, jerk,” Eddie removes his hand from Buck’s neck to instead give him a light bump on the shoulder. Buck misses the steady pressure of his hand immediately.

“Ok, ok,” he laughs. “Um so there was an earthquake and we responded to a call at a multi-story building collapse.”

Eddie nods along. A perfectly reasonable nightmare scenario for any firefighter.

“Was it like the one from when I first joined the team?”

Buck considers it, then shakes his head.

“No, this was different. Smaller. No huge glass windows. There was…there was an elevator. It was between floors so we had to do a rope rescue. You went down to get everyone out and I was pulling them up. Everything was fine but then-”

Here Buck pauses, because he can see just how wrong everything went so vividly in his mind. The pole sticking clean through Eddie. The helplessness as the severity of the situation tore through him. How he couldn’t see a way out, but knew he couldn’t give up. The crushing weight of the knowledge that the man he loves was surely going to die, and that weight was so much worse than the debris that came later.

“Buck. Buck breathe, I’m right here. You’re right here,” Eddie’s calming voice pulls him back from memories of death and despair. He realizes Eddie’s hand has returned to its spot on his shoulder, and the other now grips his arm in an attempt to ground him.

Buck slowly matches his breathing to Eddie’s, who never once breaks eye contact. Finally able to take one big gulp of air, he quickly rushes through the rest of his story. Memory? Dream?

“There was an aftershock. We thought the elevator was stable but…it wasn’t,” he recounts, his voice wavering slightly. “There was a…a pole and it went right through you, pinning you into the elevator. I jumped in to help but…but you said…”

Buck pauses, as the conversation with Eddie in the elevator comes back to him.

Eddie waits patiently for Buck to finish his thought, a slight crease between his eyebrows. Buck desperately wants to kiss it away, then continue kissing every inch of Eddie’s face. To cradle Eddie’s face in his hands and commit the feel to memory. He wishes, for a moment, to be back in the reality where he was allowed to do that, damn what came after.

“You said you were in a time loop. Reliving the same day over and over again. That no matter what you did, we always die in that elevator and then you-” Buck stops just short of sharing how Eddie kissed him. It feels too revealing of Buck’s own wants and desires, if it was all just a dream.

And it was all just a dream, right?

“Um…and then you were just surprised I believed you,” he finishes, looking away and hoping Eddie didn’t pick up on his awkward pause. As his own words replay in his head, he stills and his head whips back to Eddie. “So wait…are you in a time loop?”

Maybe that’s the answer. Why this dream is the most vivid he’s had since his coma. Because if coma dreams are real and a lightning strike can give him math superpowers, maybe time loops could be real too. He knows what he’ll be researching later tonight.

“In a…what? A time loop? Like Groundhog Day?” Eddie raises an eyebrow.

“That’s what I said!” Buck nearly shouts, causing Eddie to laugh.

“Do I have to start monitoring what you watch before bed like Christopher?”

Eddie’s looking at him with the same fond look Buck sometimes glimpses when he and Chris are together. The look Eddie thinks he doesn’t notice. It’s a look that fills Buck with warmth and that feeling of home he’s been chasing all his life.

“Soooo is that a no to being in a time loop then?” Buck teases, but there’s a hint of real questioning behind it. Eddie had seemed so certain in his dream.

“Um, yes Buck, that’s a no to being in a time loop where we keep dying in an elevator. Good movie idea though, maybe you can pitch it to Gerrard over at Hotshots,” Eddie grins and Buck rolls his eyes, shrugging Eddie’s hands off him as he stands up to stretch.

“Yeah, yeah make fun of me all you want. But just remember that if you ever are caught in a time loop, I will believe you and not question you for a moment.”

“Maybe you should,” Eddie laughs. “But fine, if I’m ever caught in a time loop you’ll be the first person I tell. Promise.”

“You better,” Buck mumbles, thinking about the dream version of Eddie who seemed to have taken on the burden all alone for who knows how long. It was such an Eddie thing to do, the exact response his subconscious would expect. But maybe now, if they ever do find themselves in a time loop, Eddie will know he can come to Buck.

Eddie goes back to the kitchen with a shake of his head, and Buck is left buffering in their living room. Because while he’s glad Eddie being impaled with a pole and subsequently crushed to death is all a dream, he can’t deny the feeling of disappointment creeping in at the realization that the kiss also was just a cruel trick of his imagination.

To have a version of Eddie who looked at Buck with all the want he had been yearning for, a version who had pulled him into a kiss that felt better and more real than any fantasy he had ever dare indulged late at night. The phantom kiss still lingers on Buck’s lips and tongue. Reaching up gingerly to press his fingers against them, he tries to savor the feeling for just a moment more before it fades away like dreams do.

The ache inside Buck, the one that began during a lonely childhood and had only grown as he searched for his place in the world as an adult, threatens to overwhelm him. Normally he’s fine, content with what he and Eddie share as long as Buck gets to keep him and Christopher in his life. But there are moments like this, moments where he dares to believe that everything he wants is actually within reach, where he thinks that ache might just swallow him whole.

“Buck,” Eddie calls from the kitchen. “Would you mind waking Chris up? I want him to actually eat his breakfast today before school, not on his way out the door.”

Buck snaps back to this reality and nods, before realizing Eddie can’t see him.

“Yeah…yeah you got it!” he calls back, smiling at the ease of their now familiar morning routine.

Usually Buck is the one making breakfast, but he looks forward to the teasing that will come from Eddie’s attempt (though admittedly better since his time in Texas when he dedicated himself to learning new recipes).

But seriously, who burns toast two days in a row?

“Chris, wake up! Your dad is burning toast again, we might need to save him before a fire truck gets dispatched to our house!” Buck says as he heads down the hall, figuring Chris is already awake from Buck’s outburst a few minutes ago.

His smile widens as he hears Eddie’s indignant “Hey!” from around the corner and Chris’s groggy giggle from behind his door.

The ache in his core wanes.

“Don’t worry, I’m on the case. I’ll make us some pancakes to pair with your dad’s burnt toast!”

*

Buck tries to put the strangeness of his dream out of his mind, but there’s too many things throughout the day that are exactly the same. Enough that it feels hard to keep writing off as pure coincidence.

The car accidents are the same. The kid stuck behind the air conditioning unit is the same. The woman at the bottom of the pool who accidentally poisoned herself on expired syrup was such an oddly specific thing that Buck has to take a moment to try and ground himself back in reality after that call, performing a system from therapy he has not used since the first few months after his coma.

Eddie watches him carefully and tries to occupy Buck’s thoughts with talk of things Christopher wants to do since returning to LA. He keeps asking very specific questions on topics he knows Buck has researched in the past. Buck recognizes what he’s doing, trying to keep him distracted from spinning out, and he appreciates it. To a point. But Buck can’t shake the creeping wrongness of the day as it continues to unfold.

When Hen and Chim suggest playing Mario Kart to pass time near the end of their shift, with the consequences being that the loser has to restock the ambulance, Buck nearly asks to go home right then. But Eddie is looking at him from his spot next to Hen on the couch, an eyebrow raised in question, and Buck doesn’t want to raise any more cause for concern. He’ll get through this day, see that there is no earthquake and no elevator, do a little research on vivid dreams and déjà vu to make some sense of all this, then he will sleep and try to pretend none of this ever happened.

Well…except for the kiss. He doesn’t want to pretend that never happened, though he knows he’ll have to if he wants to have any chance of being normal around Eddie again.

Hen wiggles the controller at him expectantly and he rolls his eyes.

“I think the ambulance is perfectly fine, but sure, I accept your wager. I’ll warn you though, I brush up my skills weekly with my favorite teenager so I’ve got an unfair advantage,” he grins, taking the controller from Hen’s hands and settling himself on the ground in front of Eddie. He feels Eddie shake slightly with laughter as he confirms Buck does indeed spend maybe too much time gaming with Chris.

Chim scoffs.

“Keep dreaming, Buckley. I’ve been playing Mario Kart since you were knee-high to a grasshopper, you’ve got nothing on that experience,” Chim ribs him as they choose their players.

“All I’m hearing is that I’m young and youthful compared to you, old man,” Buck shoots back and smiles when he feels Eddie laughing behind him once again.

“Watch it Buck, or you’re going to find yourself banned from seeing your niece.”

“Hey, hey! You can’t use her against me!”

“Oh, can’t I?”

Buck allows himself to get lost in the banter, ignoring the weird feeling in the back of his mind saying he has already lived through all this before. He allows himself to enjoy the company of his family on a chill day at the station, allows the smells of Bobby’s cooking to envelop him, allows himself to indulge in the feel of Eddie’s legs pressed to his back, listening to his quiet breaths as he dozes off.

Multiple rounds of Mario Kart later, he feels Eddie startle awake behind him as he and Hen bicker over her win. He turns to Eddie with a soft smile, feeling that warmth creep back in as he imagines a reality where Eddie did kiss him and he gets to watch Eddie wake up like this every morning. A reality where he could turn and give him a quick peck on the lips while their friends groan, telling them they’re annoying and to put another dollar in the PDA jar.

As he meets Eddie’s gaze, he falters at the soft smile Eddie returns.

It’s always easy with them, and Eddie has been extra attentive today since Buck’s nightmare, but Eddie’s never looked at him like this before. It’s so completely unguarded in a way Eddie so rarely is, even with Buck.

Eddie lightly touches a curl at Buck’s neck and he shivers involuntarily.

“Hey,” Eddie says softly.

The heat and softness directed at Buck feels sacred. New. Like suddenly they’re in a world where it’s just the two of them. He’s utterly entranced from a single word.

Stand up Buck, my god.

The kick he receives from Hen as she prompts him to go check the ambulance snaps him out of his head, reminding him he is not in fact in a different universe and that everyone can see him pathetically leaning into the touch of his straight best friend.

He stands quickly, feeling like he’s been burned.

Stupid stupid stupid.

Hurrying away from the eyes of the people who know him best, he tries to put as much distance between himself and Eddie as he can. He thought he could be normal about all this, but maybe he can’t. God he’s going to have to tell Maddie she was right and ask for her advice before he ruins everything and-

Stopping just short of the stairs, Buck suddenly remembers this part of his dream. How he had been just about to walk downstairs when the earthquake hit. Probably would have gotten a nice bruise except that Eddie…Eddie had wrapped him in his arms and protected him. Had taken the brunt of the hit against the railing as they were thrown off balance.

If there’s any chance that part of his dream was also some weird premonition déjà vu shit, then he’s going to return the favor.

Turning suddenly, he finds Eddie right behind him, confusion in his eyes. Fair. Buck has been a whole weirdo today. And, if no earthquake hits in the next few seconds, he wouldn’t blame Eddie for being concerned.

Fidgeting with his hands nervously, he contemplates if he’s being silly, seeing patterns and similarities that aren’t actually there. He feels mildly ridiculous about the whole thing. But he meets those soft, doe-like eyes he so adores, and a flash of Eddie, in pain with a pole through his side, jolts through his mind.

He makes his choice.

As he reaches out to envelop Eddie in his arms, angling himself towards the railing, it registers that Eddie’s arms are also raised towards him.

Not this time, he has a moment to think as his hands wrap around Eddie at the same moment the floor begins to move under them. His back hits the cold railing and yep that’s going to leave a mark.

A small grunt escapes his lips and he grasps Eddie tighter, not wanting to let go.

Holy shit.

An earthquake really did hit, exactly like in his dream. He’s holding Eddie. No, but like exactly the way it was in his dream. God, Eddie’s arms are so strong. If the earthquake is real, does that mean the rest of his dream is real too?

Eddie is looking at him in pure shock, eyes wide, oh Buck needs to explain.

Except…

Except if all of this is real so far, and Eddie also reached for him as if he knew what was going to happen then…was the time loop real?

He’s getting ready to ask, trying to find the right phrasing to not sound crazy or accusatory or, likely, some combination of both, but then Chim walks by and thumps Eddie on the back.

“Stop gazing into each other’s eyes, we have lives to save,” he laughs.

Eddie’s gaze flits away from Buck’s own, looking over his shoulder to down below. This seems to snap Eddie out of the moment and he’s pushing himself off of Buck before he has a chance to speak.

Fine, if that’s how he wants to play this.

Buck catches up to Eddie on the stairs, knowing he’s not going to let him out of his sight until this shift is done.

He attempts to act normal in the truck on the way over, but he knows he’s being odd. Not talking or engaging with the others like he normally would. But he’s trying to make sense of all this.

So far, every single thing he remembers from his “dream” has come to pass. When he made choices to intervene in the day's events, he was able to make small changes, but mostly everything has played out the same.

And Eddie…Eddie seems to remember too. Or at least, he also reached for Buck before the earthquake even hit. Before either of them felt it.

But Eddie had really seemed like he had no idea this morning. And why would he lie? Why would he not confide in Buck, especially when Buck gave him an opening to tell him what was going on?

Was it because of the kiss?

Buck’s cheeks heat slightly as he thinks about it, his eyes darting to the side to peek at Eddie who he catches watching him. Quickly, he looks away.

Focus.

If everything in Buck’s “dream” really did happen, did Eddie regret kissing him. Had he just been concussed and bleeding out, temporarily lost his mind, and now regrets it?

The thought makes Buck’s stomach sink.

Having a vivid dream about Eddie kissing him that wasn’t real, just a product of his own overactive imagination and yearning, was one thing. It was another entirely to accept it might have been real and Eddie hadn’t meant it and now was lying to Buck because of it.

Buck’s so caught up in his own thoughts that he shakes his head when Eddie offers him the phone to talk to Christopher. Eddie seems surprised, but doesn’t push the issue. Of course he’s surprised, when has Buck ever turned down the chance to talk to Chris? But he needs to use this time to think.

Because beyond the kiss and the lying and the fantastical nature of the situation, beyond all of that…is the fact that Eddie dies on this call. They both do. And that part…that part Buck cannot stomach at all. He cannot watch that happen again.

But maybe he’s made this all up in his head, maybe there have just been a lot of insane coincidences today, and tomorrow he can wake up and laugh about this. Maybe talk to a therapist. Yeah, everything will be -

They arrive at their destination and Buck swears his heart stops in his chest. He would know the feeling.

It’s the building from his “dream”. Except it’s not a dream. It’s not a premonition. He is somehow reliving the same day as yesterday, the day he watched Eddie Diaz die. He stumbles getting out of the truck, transfixed on the building in front of him.

Distantly, he hears Eddie ask if he’s ok.

No! He wants to scream. No I am very much not ok, how can you even ask me that?

He moves as if through a dream, going through the motions of gearing up, and leads the way into the building as he did yesterday, ignoring Eddie’s looks.

And Buck can’t take it anymore. Can’t take pretending like this is normal, like he doesn’t know the monster waiting at the end of this book.

“Eddie, do you…” he trails off, not sure how to ask this particular question. “Have we…?”

Before he can articulate asking his best friend if they’ve lived this day before, he notices Eddie tense up, clocks the way his head turns towards the cries for help that Buck now knows are coming from a doomed elevator ride.

Ice grips his heart, fear flooding his entire body, and he grabs Eddie’s arm.

“Don’t. Don’t go down there,” he pleads.

Eddie turns back to face him and Buck is once again met with a wave of confusion from his partner.

“Buck-”

There’s no time for this, no time to explain or rehash the conversation from this morning.

“I know, I know this is going to sound insane Eddie,” he manages to get out in one breath. “But I just think something bad will happen if you go into that elevator just…wait.”

There. Not an accusation. Not a crazy ass statement like I watched you die in that elevator once before and I think it might kill me if I have to watch it happen again. He’s still holding onto some claim to sanity if it turns out they are not in a time loop.

He’s pretty certain they’re in a time loop.

Eddie looks like Buck just electrocuted him and he jerks his arm back. It would almost be comical if the situation weren’t so dire.

Eddie’s response erases all doubt from Buck’s mind.

“How do you know they’re in an elevator?”

Oh.

Oh so Eddie does know. He does remember. He lied to Buck this morning and he was just going to let this play out the same way as yesterday.

Well, not if Buck has anything to say about it.

“Because I- ”

Before Buck can force Eddie to admit to what’s going on, their radio crackles to life with the sound of Ravi’s voice requesting assistance with the civilians trapped in the elevator.

Eddie is still floundering, completely thrown by Buck no longer pretending like this isn’t the same day as yesterday.

Buck knows what he has to do.

He radios Ravi back to let him know they’re on their way, then moves purposefully over to the elevator, beating Eddie there. He gets to work setting up the rope rescue for himself, flying through it as Eddie moves in a daze.

As Buck begins to strap himself in, Eddie seems to finally catch up with Buck's line of thinking.

Grabbing his arm, Eddie forces Buck to look at him.

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing, Eddie?” Buck replies, double-checking his rope. “I’m going to go into that elevator to rescue those people. Make sure my line is secure.”

As he hands Eddie the rope, daring him to object, he almost grins. He can tell he has Eddie on his back foot here, unsure how to respond to Buck switching things up.

“You- that’s not…that’s not what you’re supposed-”

And that pisses him right off again. Not what he was supposed to do? Supposed to? He, Evan Buckely, was supposed to just watch Eddie die? Not in this life. Never again.

“Not what I’m supposed to do?” he snaps, voice cutting. “Not how things go in your time loop?”

Oops, hadn’t meant to say that part. But if there were any lingering doubts in his mind, the look on Eddie’s face dashes them. Buck could have slapped him in the face and he wouldn’t look as shocked as he does right now.

“Well I’m not watching you get impaled again,” he continues emphatically. “So we’re switching things up. Now, lower me down.”

He stares at Eddie, waiting for him to do something, anything, but Eddie seems beyond being able to respond at the moment.

Knowing what he needs to do, with or without Eddie’s help, he just nods and finishes hooking himself up.

Feet on the lip of the elevator shaft, he looks at Eddie again.

“Run the wench, I’ll send them up. Be ready.”

While there’s still no verbal response from Eddie, he does move to lower Buck down. Buck begins helping each of the people in the elevator, recognizing their faces from yesterday.

There’s one woman having a panic attack in the corner, and Buck remembers Eddie’s words when helping her before. He tries his best to emulate Eddie’s steady demeanor as he calms her down enough to send up the shaft to safety.

As he’s sending the last person up, he sees Eddie’s anxious face peering at him over the edge of the opening. He disappears and Buck feels a tug on his rope as Eddie begins to haul him back to the surface.

He’s yelling at Buck to get out of there, and the desperation in his voice sends a chill up Buck’s spine. He wasn’t planning on sticking around, he’d prefer to not be shishkabob-ed with a stray pole today, but he begins moving a little faster.

Using every bit of strength and his LA certified firefighter training, he almost makes it to the top. He sees the relief on Eddie’s face as his hand shoots out to pull Buck the rest of the way.

And then, just like yesterday, the aftershock hits and the world disappears. The elevator falls and the rope slackens and he’s in freefall. In one desperate movement, he grabs for Eddie’s hand and feels their fingers brush for the briefest moment before his world is nothing but air, then the cold hard surface of the elevator, and then blinding pain.

Buck knows pain. Pain has been a constant companion throughout his life. From scraped knees to broken bones to a crushed leg to a stopped heart. Buck knows pain.

This is an entirely new sensation. He feels more than hears the scream rip from his mouth before the pain becomes too overwhelming and he passes out.

He comes to with a gasp as the pole shifts against his insides and he feels familiar hands on him.

“Now why would you go and do a thing like that?”

Angry. Eddie’s angry. Buck’s only heard that tone directed at him a few times by the man trying to patch him back together. Buck’s head is too foggy to give a proper answer. Doesn’t Eddie know? Doesn’t Eddie know him?

“Actually, I don’t know why I’m asking. It’s exactly the reason I never told you. Knew you would do exactly this.”

Buck feels the smile fight its way across his mouth. Eddie does know him. Better than anyone.

“Couldn’t watch you get hurt again,” he forces out. He almost manages a full smile at Eddie, but the pain overwhelms him. How had Eddie been able to kiss him like this?

Actually that sounds like the perfect remedy to his pain. Eddie should do that again. He’s about to ask, but Eddie beats him to it.

“Buck…how do you know that? How do you know I’ve been in a time loop?”

He knows he has a concussion, but Eddie’s words aren’t making sense. Eddie was the one who told Buck about the time loop…right?

“Because you told me? Or do you not remember that part?”

Is that possible? Is that why Eddie has been acting like this? Maybe it’s not that he regrets kissing Buck, maybe he just doesn’t remember.

“No, I…I do,” Eddie answers hesitantly.

Buck deflates. So Eddie does remember and he is regretting kissing Buck and he’s never going to do that again and Buck is so stu-

“But you don’t. Ever.”

Wait, what? Has Eddie been telling him he’s in a time loop and kissing him and Buck just keeps forgetting? That doesn’t seem right. In fact, that seems patently wrong. The idea of him ever forgetting being kissed by Eddie Diaz makes his insides burn. At least, he’s pretty certain that’s the cause, but it could also be the pole currently rupturing his organs.

“Have you told me you’re in a time loop before?"

“Well no, but-”

“Then how would I remember?” his head feels so fuzzy and nothing Eddie is saying makes any sense.

“I don’t know, Buck!” Eddie bursts out and oh this is stressed out Eddie. That makes sense. Buck should console him. Calm him down. He knows how to do that. If only his head would stop throbbing. “I don’t mean the time loop specifically. I mean all of it! I’ve done this so many times and you never remember anything once the day starts over! You never remember the building or the earthquake or the elevator or - ”

Buck’s head is still fuzzy but he swears he can hear Eddie’s unsaid words. Or the kiss. You never remember the kiss. And there’s just no way that’s right. Out of everything, that makes the least sense to Buck. What the fuck does Eddie mean Buck doesn’t remember the kiss? Why does Eddie keep kissing him and can he shut up and do it again to make sure Buck remembers?

“You don’t remember, ok?” he seems to run out of steam as he finishes, looking to Buck desperately to make sure he gets it.

He thinks he's starting to.

“Well…I remember now,” he says helpfully. Maybe that will stop Eddie from spiraling.

It does elicit a tiny snort from Eddie and Buck’s heart skips.

“Yeah, I’m getting that Buck,” Eddie fights against a small smile at the corner of his mouth and oh Buck desperately wants to press a kiss directly against it.

Eddie’s words are finally beginning to process for him though. So Eddie has been stuck in a time loop, just like he told Buck yesterday. But apparently that’s the first time he’s ever told him. Eddie has been stuck in some Bill Murray time loop situation for who knows how long and never confided in Buck before now. He tries not to let that hurt his feelings, he really does, but how could Eddie ever keep something like that from him? And for so long?

“So you’ve been stuck in this time loop for…what? Ages?” he's doing a terrible job keeping the hurt out of his voice, he can tell. But he needs to know. “And the last one was only the first time you’ve told me?”

Eddie sighs and Buck knows that sigh. That’s Eddie’s exasperated sigh.

“Yes, Buck. It’s not really something that’s easy to bring up, ok?”

Eddie moves away, examining the situation at hand from a new angle. Buck remembers being on that side of things, of trying to think a way out for Eddie without sealing his fate faster. He can see in Eddie’s face that he sees the same thing Buck did. Feels the way the elevator tilts unsteadily and is clearly being held up by the pole currently skewering Buck. Realizing just how impossible it is to cut without sending the elevator plummeting down.

But, he figures, Eddie has probably known that for a long time.

“But you promised,” Buck insists, not caring how childish he sounds. Because it wasn’t even a full twelve hours ago now that Eddie stood in their kitchen and promised to let Buck in and tell him if he was stuck in a time loop. Buck made the path clear, removed any obstacles of embarrassment or confusion. Eddie could have told him then. He could have told him when it started. Has Buck not made it abundantly clear to Eddie that he can trust him with anything?

He wants to reach for Eddie, bring him back over to Buck. Even the slightest shift on his end sends a cascade of pain ripping across his body. He feels the wound Eddie had managed to temporarily stop from bleeding open back up.

“Promised?” Eddie sounds genuinely confused. Buck can’t tell how much his headache is from slamming it against metal when he fell and how much is from trying to keep up with this conversation.

He hardly registers Eddie’s admonishment to stop moving.

“You promised to tell me if you were in a time loop.”

Eddie can drop the charade, Buck’s clearly in this now. He doesn’t understand why Eddie is insistent on playing this out.

“When the hell would I have promised that?” Eddie throws his hands up in exasperation, looking two seconds away from pacing around if they weren’t in such a precarious environment. “It’s not exactly a topic that comes up often. What would you like for dinner tonight? Who is going to sleep on the couch once I move back? And, oh yeah, what is the protocol if I ever get stuck in a time loop?”

Eddie finishes counting off each hypothetical question on his fingers with a flourish, moving closer to Buck with every word.

Buck has to fight between being annoyed and wanting to smile at the way Eddie is bitching even in this dire situation. Bitchy Eddie might just be one of his favorite versions of the man, and it takes a lot to get Eddie riled up like this. Typically he’s so calm and understanding in the face of Buck’s antics, but when Buck does manage to get a rise out of him…well he might enjoy it a little more than a perfectly platonic friend should.

“It was literally this morning Eddie,” the annoyance wins out as he’s beginning to find all of this very frustrating. “Don’t make me seem like the crazy one in this situation.”

“This morning?” Eddie’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. “I think I would remember that.”

“Clearly not,” Buck grumbles. On instinct, Buck goes to cross his arms protectively, but hisses as pain shoots through him. Right. Skewered on a pole.

Eddie sighs, finally moving back to Buck’s side and tending to the bandages he had irritated earlier.

“Stop moving, you’re just hurting yourself,” he says gently and Buck melts. He still doesn’t understand what Eddie is getting out of pretending the morning never happened, but he can never stay annoyed with Eddie for too long. It goes against every molecule in his body.

Buck watches Eddie’s practiced hands move to heal him as best he can, remembering not long ago when he was on the other side of this and feeling completely out of his depth. But for Eddie, healing is second nature. One of his innate skills. Buck is sure Eddie doesn’t see it like that, would laugh at Buck and say it’s just all his training “Which you are welcome to learn too, by the way.”

But Buck knows the truth. Sees it in the way Eddie interacts with people on calls, with how Eddie takes care of his son, and firsthand with all the times Eddie has healed him over the years.

During those first few terrible months after his leg injury, Eddie had been there cheering him on and forcing him to do his therapy exercises, even when Buck was being an absolute nightmare about it. When Buck was sick, he always stopped by the loft to check on him, making sure he was taking his antibiotics and keeping himself fed. Even recently, coming over to examine Buck’s boils and telling him not to spin out because he knows how Buck can get in his own head. If he hadn’t lost so much blood, he swears he would be flushing right now at the memory of Eddie taking control of the situation in front of Tommy and how turned on it had made Buck. How had it taken so long for him to realize his own feelings?

He knows why.

Eddie had always felt off limits. He was the one relationship in Buck’s life that he couldn’t jeopardize with his usual antics. Every romantic relationship he ever had, he managed to ruin somehow. Wanting too much, pushing too hard, being too much. Eddie always seemed to get the measure of Buck, always acting as a soft landing pad even at his worst. It’s why their fight when he was moving away had hit so hard, it was like a rug being pulled out from under the both of them and they didn’t know how to function anymore.

They had figured it out, ebbing and flowing their way back to being them, to being Buck and Eddie, like they always do.

And Buck hadn’t wanted to examine it any more than that. Because Eddie was straight. Off limits. Only heartbreak and ruin lay at the end of that road. Even once he could no longer deny the meaning behind his heart skipping a beat when Eddie entered a room, he knew he would have to take it to the grave and that was that. He would just quietly die a little every day, but he would have some of Eddie and Christopher as his and that was better than not having them at all. Frankly, it was more than Buck deserved.

And that was fine, just fine, just perfectly fine.

Then Eddie kissed him and he had no explanation for that. For the intensity of the kiss. How Eddie seemed like he had been wanting to do that as desperately as Buck. And had he done it before? Had Buck been receiving kisses from Eddie and then being crushed to death?

Eddie’s gentleness, his concern for Buck, the press of hands against his burning skin. He can’t stand it anymore.

“Do you…always kiss me?”

It just slips out. He can blame it on the blood loss and the concussion if need be, but it’s the question that’s been eating at him the most.

Eddie makes a choking noise, pushing down on Buck’s wound involuntarily. Buck gasps and regrets it immediately as Eddie removes his hands and looks away.

“Sorry! I’m sorry!” Eddie exclaims, looking genuinely horrified at causing Buck harm. He begins fidgeting with his hands. “Um, no. First time we’ve done that.”

Oh.

So he’s never forgotten a kiss with Eddie.

Eddie Diaz kissed him and Buck had willed himself to remember that moment so hard he was now caught in a time loop.

At least that part of all this finally falls into place.

Buck nods.

“Ok, that makes sense.”

He watches as Eddie’s brow furrows again, not knowing what to make of that. He’s considering asking if they can do it again (the kissing that is), when the entire elevator begins to shake violently from the aftershock.

Suddenly Eddie isn’t an arms length away. He's practically on top of Buck, shielding every part of his body he can manage to cover. With great effort, Buck lifts his arms to cover Eddie’s head and grits his teeth against the pain it causes. Eddie isn’t dying this time if he has any say about it.

Apparently he doesn’t, because he spots the falling debris just moments before it crushes them both.

————-
TIME LOOP - 2

Once again, Buck startles awake with a gasp.

He does a better job at not crying out this time, but he does reach down to feel his side where the pole had been sticking out only moments before.

Nothing. Just the touch of smooth skin meets his fingers.

Huh. What a weird sensation. Eddie keeps doing this every day? He’ll have to ask him how he handles it because it is the most bizarre feeling in the world to Buck.

He smells the burning toast coming from the kitchen and smiles. Does Eddie just keep burning the toast on purpose to keep the day consistent, or is he actually that bad at making toast?

Getting up from the couch that has become his bed over the past few weeks, he stretches out his sore limbs and takes a moment to appreciate that being the only toll on his body currently.

Leaning against the kitchen door, he grins as he watches Eddie furtively take the toast out of the toaster oven and curse under his breath.

“Careful, or we’re going to have our own fire station at the house and frankly that’s just embarrassing,” Buck teases. He ponders that thought for a moment as Eddie turns to glare. “Although, I guess they wouldn’t remember tomorrow so hey, go ahead and call them over to the house. Maybe we can get a ride to the station for our shift. Would be kinda fun since we don’t have to deal with the consequences.”

He’s joking, but actually they should put some thought into this time loop thing and take the opportunity to do harmless things they never would if the day wasn’t going to repeat itself. Might as well have some fun before they die again.

But Eddie doesn’t play along, just gives him a strange look.

“Yeah, whatever that means. Hey, would you mind making pancakes for Chris today? He won’t admit it, but he loves when you make them and all I’ve managed to do is burn some shitty toast so you’d be his hero.”

Buck squints at him as Eddie moves around the kitchen to get the pancake ingredients, giving Buck a pleading look in the process.

Why are they playing this game again?

Buck walks toward Eddie slowly.

“You already know I will-” he begins, but is cut off by Eddie shoving the mixing bowl into his hands.

“Great, you’re the best! I just need to run and finish getting dressed, but then I’ll be back to help if you let me!”

Staring down at the bowl in confusion, Buck barely registers Eddie leaving the room.

What is going on? Is Eddie seriously about to spend all day once again pretending like they aren’t in a time loop? Buck will lose his mind.

He does begin making the pancakes, just like the first time he lived through this day. Even if it is all repetitive, Chris deserves his favorite food today and every day. Maybe if they continue being stuck in this place, Buck can mix it up and try something new. If it’s a really long time, maybe he can perfect some recipes he’s been wanting to try out. That doesn’t sound so bad.

As he’s going through a mental list of which recipes to start on first, he hears Eddie come back into the kitchen.

“Ok, I’m going to go wake up Chris and maybe he’ll be alert enough to hold a conversation when-”

“Eddie, why are you pretending again?”

Eddie stops short, looking at Buck in confusion.

“Pretending what exactly?” he asks carefully.

“Pretending like this is the first time we’re doing this!” Buck flips the pancake currently in the pan over onto a plate so it doesn’t burn. “I thought we were done with that.”

“Ok I’m really trying to follow you here Buck, but you’ve lost me,” Eddie leans against the fridge, eyebrow raised. “Do you have something you want to say to me?”

“Yeah Eddie, I want to talk to you about this time loop that we’re stuck in without having to pretend like this is a normal day first!” Buck exclaims. “I mean I get not wanting to talk about it in front of Chris but -”

Eddie looks utterly baffled.

“Time loop? Are you ok man?” Eddie seems torn between laughing and being seriously concerned. “Do I need to monitor what you watch-”

“Don’t,” Buck cuts him off, losing patience at the situation quickly. The past couple days have left him exhausted and all he wants to do is talk honestly to his best friend about what is happening and what they’re going to do about it. “Don’t do that. Don’t…don’t gaslight me!”

“Gaslight you?” Eddie asks in bewilderment. “Buck seriously, did you get a concussion on a call yesterday? I can call Bobby and tell him-”

“Don’t bother,” Buck huffs. He’s not arguing with Eddie again. If he wants to wait until one of them is about to die to have an honest conversation, then that’s what they’ll do. “I’ll go wake up Christopher and we can both just forget I said anything, if that’s how you prefer to handle this.”

“Buck!” Eddie calls at his back, exasperated, but Buck ignores him and goes to rouse Chris for his morning pancakes.

*

He spends the day trying to trip Eddie up, make him admit out loud that they’re in a time loop. Eddie just continues to look at him funny and even sends Hen to examine him.

After a frustrated “I’m fine, Hen. Go check on Eddie and his pathological need to lie” that has Hen now eyeing him oddly for the rest of the day, he decides to give it a break.

He tries to enjoy himself later as they’re playing Mario Kart, doing better than the previous days as he knows when to dodge the red shells being lobbed at him. His head isn’t in the game though, so he still manages to lose.

Feeling Eddie wake up behind him, he turns to look at him on instinct, forgetting he’s supposed to be mad. He’s never been good at staying mad with Eddie.

He opens his mouth to apologize for how he’s been acting, clear the air because he can’t go through this next part with them in an argument, when suddenly he’s being dragged up by his arm.

“Roof. Now,” Eddie says in such a commanding voice, Buck has to calm himself down and remember their friends are still in the vicinity (and yelling something about Buck not getting out of his punishment) before he pops a boner right here in the station.

“Yes, sir,” he mumbles, imagining for a moment being able to say that under different circumstances. Eddie misses a step.

Before he can let that train of thought carry on much further, he’s blinking in the sunlight as Eddie drops his arm and turns to him expectantly.

“Well?” he inquires, arms crossed and staring Buck down.

This is such a switch up from the past several hours, Buck thinks maybe his concussion has carried over.

“Well…what?”

Is Eddie finally ready to talk? Buck has made himself perfectly open to the conversation from the jump so he’s not sure what these theatrics are all about.

“Explain,” Eddie gestures at him.

Buck’s head feels like it’s been microwaved on high for a couple minutes too long.

“Me explain?” his hands are in the air as he practically shouts. He’s about to circle back around to the gaslighting accusation because this is getting ridiculous. “Eddie, I am so confused right now. I don’t think I could explain anything if my life depended on it. And it kinda seems like it might.”

He’s bordering on hysterical and he watches as Eddie’s demeanor changes. He softens a bit, sighing and dropping his arms to his side. Buck takes a deep breath as Eddie begins to pace around the roof, rubbing his face.

“I…I don’t have any sort of logical explanation for any of this Buck. Some part of me thinks I’m still in that elevator and this entire thing is a simulation my dying brain is concocting to help deal with the trauma. Newsflash: Not helping at all,” Eddie says sarcastically to the sky.

As he pauses to catch his breath and checks to make sure Buck is still with him, Buck’s mind whirls. So they’re back to acknowledging the elevator and the dying and the time loop of it all. These mixed signals are going to be the death of him far before the pole can claim him. Right now though, he’s just happy that they’re finally talking about it without one of them being in the midst of serious bodily harm and suffering from a concussion, so he waits patiently for Eddie to continue.

“But in the event that this is all real and happening then…it’s like I said. Best I can figure is it’s some kind of time loop I’ve been stuck in since the first time we responded to that call. Like Groundhog Day. I wake up every day on that couch -”

Pause.

“On the couch?” he hates to interrupt Eddie just as he’s beginning to explain things but he needs to clarify this immediately. “Like just now? That’s when your loop starts?”

He thinks back to this morning, how bewildered Eddie had been by Buck’s talk of time loops and the absolute certainty with which he had shut Buck down. How he truly went about the day like it was his first time living it. It had been borderline maddening how genuine it seemed, because Buck feels like he can read Eddie pretty well at this point and the cognitive dissonance of the past several hours had him questioning everything.

But if Eddie’s time loop doesn’t start until the middle of the day, then…

“Ohhh,” he breathes out, relief rushing over him. “That…that makes sense.”

Eddie’s the one who looks confused now, and Buck can’t say he fully understands with complete certainty. How does that even work, them both starting time loops at different parts of the day? Is the Eddie he interacts with in the morning some general time-locked version of Eddie who existed this morning and this morning only, a separate entity than the Eddie standing in front of him?

He realizes he has now begun pacing as his mind tries to make all the puzzle pieces fit.

“So…anything I said to you this morning you don’t remember?”

Eddie is watching him closely, having stopped his own pacing to stare at Buck.

“I mean, I remember this morning,” Eddie answers slowly. “You woke up after I burned the toast and then you made pancakes for Christopher.”

He’s not getting it. Which…fair. Buck is barely able to grasp what the situation is and he’s lived it.

“No but…ok if you’re saying you start every day of your loop on the couch, then nothing I say to you before then changes for you?” Buck tries to clarify as best he can. “It’s just the same as the very first time you lived through it?”

Buck sees the gears turning for Eddie and knows the exact moment everything clicks for him as his eyes widen.

There we go.

“Buck, are you saying…do you mean you didn’t just start the day over again on the floor playing Mario Kart?”

Eddie looks like he’s just been hit square between the eyes and Buck is just happy they’re finally on the same page. He shakes his head in answer and leans against the ledge of the roof.

“No. Yesterday…” he pauses. Is that actually yesterday anymore? “Or today? The day that happened before this one but is the same day?”

He’s unsure what the language for these time loops should be and thinking about it too hard is giving him a headache. When he stops to check in with Eddie on if he’s making any sense, all he’s met with is a small smile.

Waving his hand, he continues.

“Whatever, yesterday. And again today, the today we’re living right now, both times I started my morning waking up on your couch. Yesterday today-”

Eddie’s laugh cuts him off.

“Buck, you can just say yesterday. I know what you mean.”

Buck smiles back at Eddie. Because this…this feels normal. This feels like them. Knowing each other, teasing each other. He’s so happy to have his Eddie back. The other one was wonderful, as any Eddie would be, but Buck had felt so disconnected from him when they were on such opposite pages. Is this what Eddie had felt like the entire time?

“Ok, yesterday, right after…well I guess the first time where you told me about being in a time loop and ki-” Buck’s mouth snaps shut and he feels his cheeks go pink. He diverts his gaze from Eddie. If Eddie didn’t want to bring up the kiss, then neither would Buck. “After that. I woke up on your couch and thought you were dead. You…you told me it was just a dream. And when I asked if you were in a time loop you just laughed and promised to tell me if you ever were in one. I spent the rest of the day thinking I had a premonition dream or…or…the craziest case of déjà vu ever and then…”

He trails off as he remembers arriving at the call and realizing none of it could possibly be a dream. That it was all real and he was about to live out his worst nightmare of losing Eddie if he didn’t do something to stop it.

“Then we arrived at the building?”

Eddie’s voice is gentle as he finishes Buck’s thoughts, sitting next to him on the ledge. Buck is grateful to have him near and has to restrain himself from leaning against him. All he can do is nod in affirmation.

“You really don’t remember any of that?” Buck asks, turning to meet Eddie’s eyes. Eddie is staring intently back at him and he swears he hears a tiny gasp from the man when he turns to face him. “Or this morning, when I asked you why you were lying to me about being in a time loop?”

“I really don’t remember any of that, Buck,” he says firmly, reaching out to touch Buck’s knee in assurance.

Eddie and his small touches to ground Buck. Does he even know the effect he has? Does he know that the point where fingers meet bare skin have set off a wave of flames shooting through every part of Buck, causing him to lose focus and almost miss the cute way Eddie snorts as he continues. “I’m sure I took that well.”

Buck really has to concentrate to remember what the hell they were talking about before Eddie derailed any semblance of his rational thought. With some effort, he recalls the conversation in the kitchen this morning and smiles.

“Oh, you thought I had lost it for sure, you were trying to have me stay home today.”

He ducks his head as he remembers some of the accusations he had hurled at Eddie.

“I accused you of gaslighting me,” he says sheepishly, hoping Eddie doesn’t take offense.

But Eddie just throws his head back as he laughs, and Eddie laughing carefree in the sunlight might be the most wonderful thing he’s ever seen. He thinks maybe he’s ok with dying today if he gets to have this right now.

“Oh now I wish I did remember,” Eddie says with a chuckle, hopping off the ledge.

Buck is still so distracted watching the way Eddie lights up when he laughs, that he almost misses the hand outstretched in his direction.

“Come on, there’s going to be an earthquake here soon and I’d rather not watch you fall to your death just yet,” Eddie reminds him.

Reality comes slamming back down on Buck as he remembers this day does in fact end in tragedy. That soon there will be an earthquake that will set off a chain of events that ends with their deaths. He doesn’t know if he can stomach it a third time.

He tries to play it cool, not show anything on his face for Eddie, who has already had to suffer through this so many times. He’s not sure if he succeeds though, he’s never been very good at hiding his emotions, least of all from Eddie.

Grabbing Eddie’s hand, he pulls himself up and allows gravity to put him into Eddie’s orbit.

They’ve done this countless times. Hands offered as leverage, as an anchor point, as comfort. He knows the feel of Eddie’s hand, though he has always felt it wasn’t his place to memorize it. That his was only a hand to grasp onto temporarily, before someone else came along and claimed these hands as their own.

But right now, standing on the roof of their firehouse with Eddie’s eyes fixed firmly on his own, for once it feels like these hands were only ever made to be held by him. He’s used to one of them breaking the moment, one of them moving away before the scales tip and they can no longer pretend what they have is a perfectly normal and platonic friendship. But Eddie’s not moving away from him, so neither does Buck. He wants to memorize Eddie in this moment, the way his eyes light up in the sunshine, the length of his eyelashes as they brush his cheek, the single strand of hair falling into his face that drives Buck crazy.

Buck’s fighting the urge to brush the hair out of Eddie’s face, just to have an excuse to touch him, when the earthquake hits.

On instinct, he pulls Eddie into his arms protectively and feels Eddie’s arms wrap around him as well.

His face is pressed into Eddie’s neck as they hold each other through the quake, and Buck takes the opportunity to memorize this part of Eddie too. The way he smells, the slight tickle of his hair against Buck’s nose, how warm he is. Buck thinks he could stay here forever if Eddie lets him, make a home right here in Eddie’s skin and never leave.

He’s not even sure when the ground stopped moving, it could have been mere seconds or several hours. Not wanting to move, Buck buries his face deeper in Eddie’s neck. He swears Eddie pulls him somehow closer in response and he feels Eddie’s breath on his neck.

It takes every ounce of self control in his body to not lick the bead of sweat rolling down Eddie’s neck, to not find out what his skin tastes like, to not bite and mark and make sure the world knows that Eddie Diaz belongs to Evan Buckley.
Instead he whispers, into the skin he so adores, the one want he thinks Eddie might grant him.

“What if we just don’t go?” he sighs, wanting so desperately to stay right here with Eddie and not have to watch him die again. The warm skin he feels shiver beneath him should never be cold, should never be still, should keep on existing forever and ever. “What happens?”

Eddie’s fingers tighten against Buck’s back. Buck wants those fingers to do so much more.

“I…I’ve never been able to get you to stay,” Eddie whispers back.

And once again, that just seems incorrect. Buck would never deny Eddie anything.

“Have you ever asked?” he prompts. As the question leaves his lips, he knows the answer. Knows Eddie would never voice his wants out loud like that. “Tried to explain?”

“Once. Kind of,” Eddie tries to defend himself before quietly admitting, “But then the earthquake hit and…no, no I never tried to explain.”

“I would say yes,” Buck says to reassure, to make sure Eddie knows. Eddie must know. Must know Buck would do anything for him.

“I know…I know you would,” Eddie’s whisper feels like a confession against Buck’s skin and he grips Eddie tighter in answer. “It always seemed too selfish.”

And that…that is too much for Buck. Selfish? Eddie? Eddie might be just about the least selfish person Buck has ever met. Especially considering he’s been trapped in a fucking time loop for who knows how long and doing all of this over and over…Buck already feels demoralized and he just got here.

It’s a herculean feat to pull himself out of the comfort and warmth of Eddie embrace, but he needs to make sure he hears Buck when he says this.

“Eddie,” he catches his eyes to make sure Eddie is listening. To make sure he understands. Just like Eddie always does for him. “You’re the least selfish person I’ve ever met. And I think, given everything, you deserve to be a little selfish right now.”

Eddie looks a little stunned at Buck’s words and Buck’s heart breaks. Eddie has one of the most beautiful hearts, spends so much of his time caring for others and still finds time to be an amazing father to his son. Buck knows the situation with Kim made Eddie question a lot of things and he’d beaten himself up a lot over it while Chris was gone, but now that he was back things had seemed -

Wait.

Christopher. If Eddie starts every day at the station and they die in that elevator then -

“If you’re always starting in the middle of the day does that mean…have you not seen Christopher this entire time?”

The thought shatters him and his heart breaks even more as tears spring into Eddie’s eyes. He shakes his head and pulls away from Buck to wipe them away. Buck misses him instantly.

He hates himself for being the cause of the tears and he wishes he could be the one to wipe them from Eddie’s eyes, but he knows Eddie would hate that. Eddie hates being vulnerable, seeming weak. They had broken down that barrier after Buck found him on the floor of his bedroom when Christopher called, but it was still hard for him.

“No,” Eddie croaks out, his voice wet. He clears his throat. “No, um just calling him on the ride over.”

After everything those two had been through, after the months of Eddie’s only form of contact with Chris being over FaceTime, after moving across states and now both of them finally being back home in California…now Eddie was stuck in some perpetual loop of hell where he only gets to talk to Chris over the phone once again.

“Eddie,” Buck breathes out, wanting to say more but all of his heartbreak being contained in that one word.

It’s like a light flips in Eddie and suddenly he’s not crying any longer. He’s whirling on Buck, a spark of hurt and anger in his eyes.

“What am I supposed to do, Buck? I’ve thought about seeing him, of course I have, but it feels like I would be putting him in danger since I seem to court death wherever I go. And I can’t risk that,” Eddie’s initial anger has petered off into a sad confession as he finishes.

Buck knows the anger isn’t directed at him. Knows this is pent up frustration from the entire situation. A situation Eddie hasn’t been able to talk to anyone about, and Buck is watching it spill out of him all at once. Unphased, he steps closer to Eddie and presses the topic, trying to understand.

“Have you tried not going on the call before?”

When Buck had asked Eddie what happens if they both don’t go, all Eddie told him was he could never get Buck to stay. That implies that somewhere in this, Eddie has chosen to not go. And Buck needs to know what happens in that scenario.

Eddie sighs.

“Yes. And whenever I don’t go, you still die in the elevator and I die some other way. I can’t take that chance with Chris around.”

Buck’s heart sinks at the answer, at the confirmation that they are both doomed to not survive this day no matter what.

His mind spins with possibilities on how to fix this. Maybe he can’t change the outcome of the day (though he’ll be damned if he doesn’t try) but he can get Eddie to Chris. He might not know as much about the terrain of the time loops, but guilt isn’t holding him back and he truly does not think Chris will be harmed just because Eddie is near him.

Looking around at the sound of the bell that’s probably been going off for a bit now, Buck makes a decision.

“Ok…ok here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to tell the others that Chris’ school called and you have to go immediately. And since we drove together, I need to take you. They’ll find other people to go today, if they haven’t already left.”

“I…I can’t believe you of all people would be fine with leaving others to go to the emergency just like that,” Eddie teases him, but he seems nervous. As if he’s asking too much of Buck. He knows better than to tell Eddie he would watch the world burn if it meant Eddie and Chris were safe and happy, so he goes with logic instead.

“Well from what you’ve said, and from time loop rules as I understand them, it doesn’t really matter does it?” he shrugs. And it doesn’t. How many times did Bill Murray relive February 2nd? He didn’t do the exact same thing every day, and certainly didn’t choose to go into a traumatic death trap daily. What does it matter if they help the people in this emergency on this loop when they can always just help them tomorrow? “Until we find a way to stop the loops from happening, there’s not really any long term consequences. I think they’ll be fine.”

Eddie has no response to that, so Buck takes it as a sign of agreement and drags Eddie down the stairs this time.

Somehow, the 118 haven’t pulled out from the station yet, though Bobby looks impatient to get going and it’s fully directed at them. He’s glad they won’t have to deal with the consequences of this later.

Buck opens his mouth to explain, but Bobby cuts him off.

“Get in the truck, you can explain what you two were doing instead of gearing up for the past three minutes,” Bobby orders, in full Cap mode.

Buck grimaces internally and reminds himself again that Bobby won’t remember this come morning.

“That’s the thing Cap um…we’re not going,” Buck can tell Bobby is about to lose his cool with them in a way he hasn’t since Buck’s probie days, so he rushes on. “Something came up with Christopher at school. It’s serious. Eddie has to go and I’m going to drive to make sure he gets there safely and doesn’t do anything reckless on these roads.”

He sees the wind leave Bobby’s sails as he nods.

“Of course. We will talk about keeping us in the loop in a more timely manner next time, but go, we’ll be fine. Stay safe out there,” Bobby looks over Buck’s shoulder at Eddie and jerks his head out the door. “Hope everything is fine with Christopher.”

Bobby switches back into Captain mode and calls out for two B shift team members to hop on the truck so they can leave.

Buck jogs to join Eddie at the door and they watch as their team flies out of the station.

He ignores the small pang he feels watching the engine leave without them on it. He meant what he told Eddie, knows it to be true even, but it doesn’t mean Eddie was wrong either. Because he does, in fact, know Buck very well.

“Just…be careful on the road ok? We know more aftershocks are coming,” Eddie warns him as they get ready to leave in Buck’s jeep.

Buck swallows a “well duh” because he knows Eddie is stressed and chooses to just nod in agreement instead.

They sit in comfortable silence as Buck carefully makes his way to Christopher’s school, trying not to second guess himself here. What if they don’t go and someone else dies instead? What if Ravi or Hen or Chim dies helping those folks out of the elevator? What if Bobby chooses to step in and dies? What if the loop stops after that? Buck couldn’t live with himself.

But he doesn’t believe that will happen. From everything he has experienced, and from what Eddie has shared, it’s just them. And that seems to fit with what he knows of time loops. They’re usually there for the person to learn some greater lesson before being able to escape it. Other people being involved just wouldn’t make sense.

Eddie interrupts Buck’s musings.

“This plan of yours didn’t really address my main issue with all of this,” he grumbles from the passenger seat, arms folded across his chest.

“What?” Buck asks in confusion, unsure what Eddie is referring to at first. Then he remembers Eddie’s initial hesitancy. “Endangering Christopher?”

He glances over and is met with a signature yes, of course side-eye from Eddie.

“Eddie…you know I would never ever put Chris in a position where he could be hurt, but-”

Eddie cuts him off, sounding defensive.

“But?”

“But,” he continues. “What makes you think he would be? Just because we keep dying?”

He really does want to understand Eddie’s line of thinking and see if he’s missing any information that would point to this being a mistake.

“Yes,” Eddie sighs in answer, rubbing his temples. “Because the universe seems determined-”

Did Buck hear that right? Did Eddie Diaz, Mr. The-Universe-Does-Not-Scream himself, just invoke the universe’s name as the cause of this?

“The universe, huh?” Buck can’t help himself from teasing Eddie in this moment, grinning over at the man. Eddie glowers in response, which only delights Buck more.

“Don’t even start,” Eddie sighs, exasperated at Buck. “I mean obviously this is all insane and something beyond our understanding is going on. The universe, God, something else! I don’t know! But clearly some higher entity wants me dead."

“Us,” Buck corrects. “Us dead. You said I always die too.”

Eddie goes quiet and Buck does not like that at all.

Fear bubbles up in him at the idea of Eddie thinking he’s the one meant to die in this scenario. The only one.

Buck thinks back to Eddie’s desperation both times in the elevator. His pleading for Buck to leave the very first time (that he remembers anyway) and the genuine fear when Buck switched places with him yesterday. If Eddie thinks he’s about to win a self-sacrificial bullshit play against him, he’s got another thing coming. All the more reason to get him to Christopher and remind Eddie who he is fighting to get home to.

Finally breaking the silence, Eddie confirms “Yes, us Buck. Me and you, no matter what combinations of variables I’ve tried, we both always end up dead somehow. Even when we avoid the elevator.”

“Right!” Buck exclaims, his point made. Later, he needs to remember to ask Eddie about everything he’s already tried. Buck can make a checklist or a chart (or both) so they can compare ideas and come up with a plan. “Just me and you. Not Chris, not anyone else. If the universe is coming for us, I think it will leave Chris alone.”

It’s not even that he’s just saying that so Eddie can see Christopher. If he really thought Eddie’s logic was sound, he also wouldn’t ever jeopardize Chris for even one loop. It really does make sense to him. Why would the universe want Chris dead? He isn’t wrapped up in whatever cosmic bullshit Eddie and Buck have going on.

“I don’t know that I want to bet my son’s life on what you think,” Eddie retorts, but Buck can feel him relenting. And he hasn’t forced Buck to pull over or change course yet, so he takes that as a positive sign.

“Ok well, when do you usually die?” he sees Eddie giving him a side glance out of the corner of his eye and quickly clarifies. “Not the elevator one, I obviously am familiar with that. But you said you’ve tried to avoid going to the scene at all. On those loops, when do you die?”

Buck’s mind feels like a game of Clue and he’s desperate to get every piece of evidence he can collect for his case.

“Only after the emergency would have happened,” Eddie says slowly, as if he’s just realizing this himself for the first time. “It’s usually been well past the point when we would have died in the elevator.”

“Ok then,” Buck replies cheerily. “We get you to Chris, you hug him, tell him you love him, all the good Dad stuff. Then we make sure we’re out of the area and away from Chris with plenty of time to spare for whatever horrible death awaits us today. Simple.”

Buck grins over at Eddie, trying to lighten the mood, knowing he’s won the argument.

“All right, fine,” Eddie gives in and Buck gives a tiny yes under his breath. “I accept your time loop logic.”

Buck puts his fist out for one of their signature fist bumps and Eddie rolls his eyes, but obliges. He switches back into serious Dad mode, as Buck and Christopher have deemed it, as he warns Buck they can’t stay long and put Chris at any sort of prolonged risk.

He can’t help the way his grin grows wider in response, not phased at all by Eddie’s act.

Eddie’s eyes soften, not able to keep up the charade with the promise of Chris on the horizon.

“Great, let’s go see Chris!” Buck declares, stepping on the gas.

*

While everything at the school is slightly chaotic given the circumstances, Eddie tracks down Christopher fairly quickly.

Buck’s heart swells as he watches the two reunite. Chris whines in embarrassment, but allows his dad to wrap him up in a hug in front of his friends. For Chris, it’s only been a few hours since he saw his dad, but for Eddie…Buck’s not even sure how long it’s been for Eddie. He hasn’t exactly clarified how many loops he’s been through or how much time has passed. Buck doubts Eddie even knows himself.

He aches at the idea of Eddie spending a prolonged length of time stuck in this day, not able to see Chris and unable to really talk to Buck. That sounds like Buck’s own personal idea of hell. Which…maybe they’re in.

But he can’t believe that.

There’s no universe, no deity, that would condemn someone as good and kind and wonderful as Eddie to hell for all eternity.

So that’s categorically out.

If it’s not hell, then it’s something else, and Buck is determined to figure it out. Get Eddie back to a regular life with his kid.

And if that involves Buck not making it through the day, then so be it.

Because as Eddie and Chris share an embrace in front of him, he knows there’s nothing more important than these two being there for each other. Eddie can give his grand speeches about Buck mattering too, even going so far as to put Buck in his will as Christopher’s guardian if he dies, but Buck can’t think of a worse reality than only getting to be an official part of Chris’ life just as they lose the person most important to them.

Chris needs Eddie. Not Buck. He can pretend all he wants, play make believe of the happy family he’s always wanted in the Diaz household, but at the end of the day he exists outside of their unit. Almost, but not quite a part. It’s how he has existed his whole life, has fought and clawed so hard against, but maybe it was always leading to this. To making sure the Diaz boys stay together.

He’s pulled out of his resolute contemplation by the sound of one of his favorite people calling his name.

Chris is looking at him in delight, seeming to have just noticed he’s there as well. Then suddenly, Eddie is turning to look over his shoulder and Buck’s breath catches in his throat. He wishes he could take a picture of this moment, of the joy radiating off of Eddie as he holds his world in his arms and directs even a fraction of that affection at Buck. As it would just be gone tomorrow, Buck takes a mental snapshot instead.

He waves awkwardly, not wanting to interrupt their moment. Eddie rolls his eyes in response.

“Get over here, Buck,” he calls, throwing out an arm to invite him into the hug.

His brain short circuits, not daring to believe for even this moment he can have everything he wants. Knowing he shouldn’t. But Eddie and Chris are both looking at him expectantly, like they truly want him back, and when has he ever been able to deny his boys anything?

A grin breaks out across his face and in one stride he’s enveloping both Eddie and Chris in his arms as they laugh. He squeezes tighter in response, never wanting to let them go. Never wanting this moment to end.

If the time loop would like to start and end during this hug, Buck wouldn’t complain. In this moment, it doesn’t feel like the three of them as a family is make-believe at all. It feels like an unquestionable truth of the universe.

*

Buck feels sick having to pull Eddie away from Christopher, but he had promised to keep Eddie on time and he doesn’t want to break his trust.

Father and son share one last hug, Eddie squeezing tight, and Chris says he’ll see both of them tonight for dinner.

All Buck can do is stand back and watch as Eddie’s face contorts to not completely break in front of his son.

“Yeah, yeah see you tonight mijo,” he whispers. And Buck knows the voice of someone barely able to speak because if they do everything will come flooding out.

They leave quickly after that, and Buck can tell Eddie is trying not to fully break down as he hastily wipes tears from his eyes. He desperately wants to take Eddie in his arms, comfort him and hold him through his sobs. Be a safe space for him to be vulnerable and break down. But he knows that would not be appreciated right now. Knows Eddie needs a moment to collect himself and he’ll open up to Buck when he’s ready.

Unable to stand by and do nothing though, Buck gently bumps his shoulder as they walk back to the car. A show of support, of companionship, a reminder that Eddie is not alone in this.

Eddie sniffles and leans into Buck’s shoulder bump for just a moment longer than normal.

And it’s enough.

They drive around in silence for a while, Buck not knowing what words he could possibly say to make any of this better. Over the years, his 118 family has taught him that just showing up and being there is enough, that Buck doesn’t always need to be the person with the answers or the one to fix things. So he lets Eddie stare out the window in silence as he aimlessly winds through the streets of LA.

“Thank you, Buck,” Eddie finally breaks the silence that has settled over them.

Automatically, before Eddie has even finished speaking, Buck is shaking his head. He doesn’t deserve thanks for this. Eddie just needed a little push, that was all. The rest was all him. Buck’s certain he would have made his way to Chris eventually, even if Buck hadn’t joined him in the loop. Buck was just the chauffeur.

Suddenly a warm hand grabs his arm and Buck nearly swerves off the road. He course-corrects quickly, but he can tell from Eddie’s smile that he noticed. Idiot.

“No, I mean it. Thank you,” Eddie says firmly. It’s the same voice he used when telling Buck There’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you and You act like you’re expendable, but you're not. The voice he uses when he really needs Buck to understand what he’s saying, to listen, to not brush off his words.

It takes every bit of willpower he has to not swerve again as Eddie squeezes his arm. It’s embarrassing how white his knuckles are from gripping the wheel.

Eddie keeps going.

“You don’t…you don’t know how much that meant to me.”

Except he does. He does know how much that meant. How much Eddie loves his son. How much Christopher means to Eddie. How precious every moment is, especially after the months they spent apart. How much it means to Eddie to feel supported in his role as Chris’ dad, something he’s rarely felt from his parents. Buck knows.

He can’t say all of that though, so he just breathes out a soft, “Yeah, yeah of course.”

But he does need Eddie to understand him, understand just how much Chris and Eddie mean to him.

“I would do anything for you and Chris, you never have to thank me for that.”

It doesn’t feel like enough, and yet feels too revealing at the same time. Maybe it gives away his plan to make sure that the Diaz boys get to stay together for a long while past today, outside of this loop, whatever that means for Buck. But he needs Eddie to know where he stands.

They lock eyes and Buck is taken aback by the intensity he finds there. It reminds him of the elevator, right before Eddie kissed him. If things are going to reset anyways, Buck can think of worse ways to go out than leaning over to kiss his best friend, car be damned.

Eddie looks away before Buck can psyche himself up to make a move, removing his hand and staring out the window.

Buck kinda wants to crash the car now anyways.

After a few more minutes of silence, Buck clears his throat, unable to stand it.

“So…what now?”

Eddie said he always dies, even when he doesn’t go on the call. How much time do they have? Buck wonders if he should have started a timer, something for them to keep track of to see if it’s a consistent time or just some random point after they should have died in the elevator. He’s not sure what the protocol is for hanging around waiting for death to come and collect them.

Eddie just shrugs.

“I’m not sure. Usually something just comes out of nowhere and ends my life. Though hey, maybe you cracked the code and seeing Chris was the answer to all this and we’re in the clear,” Eddie jokes.

Buck laughs, and relaxes into his seat.

“No I mean…well that would be ideal,” he admits, though he feels in his gut that isn’t quite true. “But let’s say that doesn’t happen. What’s our plan for tomorrow?”

“Plan?” Eddie sounds genuinely confused, as if it was an idea that hadn’t occurred to him. Well, Buck is in this with him now. He doesn’t need to do this alone anymore, so he better get used to it.

“Actually…” Eddie begins hesitantly and Buck perks up. “There is something I’ve wanted to try, but it was impossible before now.”

“What?” Buck asks eagerly, happy Eddie is letting him in.

“Well, since I always start my day on the couch right before the earthquake happens, there’s really no chance of me avoiding the day altogether. Of making sure we both skip work and…” Eddie trails off, as if he’s never gotten this far in the thought process. “Well I don’t know, drive out of town or just stay home or something.”

He turns to look at Buck, seeming to let the idea take root. “But you could.”

Buck nods, understanding Eddie’s logic.

“Yeah…” He plays out the morning in his mind: Eddie burning toast, making pancakes, making sure Christopher gets out the door for school, getting ready for work. Lots of opportunities to change the course of their day exist in those 20 minutes, now that he knows that version of Eddie has no knowledge of the time loop. He won’t have to waste time trying to make Eddie admit to something he truly has no clue about. “Yeah that could work. Should we keep Christopher home as well? Or take him with us?

Eddie contemplates it, weighing the factors in his mind that Buck hasn’t fully learned yet. Ultimately, he shakes his head.

“No. No, Christopher is fine at school. And if we’re wrong, I don’t want him with us when the universe course-corrects.”

“Yeah, ok that makes sense,” Buck agrees. “Then I’ll just have to somehow convince you to play hooky from the job that we both love and that I sued the city to be able to do and almost ruined our friendship over. Easy.”

Eddie is usually the first one to make a joke about an uncomfortable situation weighing on Buck, but they don’t bring up the lawsuit era too often. He panics for a moment, wondering if it was a mistake to remind Eddie of that time.

Then Eddie lets out a tiny laugh.

“Yeah, I’ll probably be on the verge of ordering you a wellness check if you come to me saying you want to skip work just because. Might think you’ve been body-snatched,” Eddie teases, and Buck smiles back at him.

“Well…” Buck considers Eddie’s words. “Technically I have, haven’t I? Is it still body-snatching if it’s my own body from the past that I happen to be snatching?”

It’s an interesting moral query. The Buck of the past, who lived this day through organically, would never call out or make any of the choices he did today. Was it a form of body-snatching for the Buck that inhabits his body on the loops to make different choices? He wonders if Bill Murray ever contemplated this. Maybe they should revisit that film.

He’s about to ask Eddie what he thinks about watching Groundhog Day to take notes, when suddenly he loses control of the wheel as the ground moves beneath them. He tries to jerk them back onto the proper side of the road when a semi-truck comes out of nowhere, ramming into them. His last thought is to reach for Eddie, try to protect him even as he knows it’s pointless.

————-
TIME LOOP - 2.5

Buck awakes with a gasp yet again.

Yeah, he’s never getting used to that.

His right arm, extended protectively to soccer-mom Eddie as a truck rammed into them, reflexively moved as he came back to consciousness and knocked over the glass of water he had left on the table overnight.

“Shit,” he curses as it breaks on the carpet. What the hell kind of glass breaks from a short fall on carpet anyways?

He tries to clean it up quietly, not wanting Eddie to come in quite yet as he’s not sure what his strategy is going to be on keeping them in the house today. Or maybe getting him to leave and go somewhere. Maybe that’s the better option, just getting the hell out of dodge entirely.

No such luck.

“Are you ok?” Eddie’s in the doorway, concern on his face until he sees the glass on the floor and Buck trying to clean it up as quickly as possible. Then he laughs, kneeling to help Buck.

“Damn I thought something actually bad had happened, it’s just a glass Buck no big deal,” he says as he picks up one of the broken pieces. “Just be mindful of the edges, don’t need to be taking you to the ER before our shift even starts.”

Well that’s an idea.

He quickly dismisses it though. Spending the day at an ER that is going to become the epicenter once the earthquake strikes sounds like a terrible time. Plus, it seems like a place with a lot of opportunities to be killed in some odd way. Maybe if he gets really desperate. But for now he rules out “Trip to the ER” as an actionable plan for keeping Eddie away from work.

He chuckles a little nervously, clueless of how to act normal in this situation. It’s just Eddie. But he hates lying to him. Has always hated lying to him. Has never been very good at it.

“No, yeah sorry, it just startled me. Hope I didn’t wake Chris up.”

Eddie waves his hand dismissively.

“That boy can sleep through anything. Besides, he needs to wake up for school now anyways,” Eddie stands, both pieces of the broken glass in his hands. “Hey, do you mind making pancakes for him? He won’t admit it, but he loves when you make them and all I’ve managed to do is burn some shitty toast so you’d be his hero.”

Oh this déjà vu thing is weird.

He nods on instinct and Eddie grins, holding up the pieces of glass.

“Great, you’re a lifesaver! Let me just go put this in recycling and grab a rag for the water. Then I’ll be in there to help with anything you need!”

Eddie’s cheerful demeanor is really throwing Buck for a loop after the past few hours. He has no idea.

Once again, he stops to wonder how his Eddie has been handling this for ages all by himself?

Making pancakes gives him time to come up with a plan for getting Eddie to ditch work and come with him on a day away from Los Angeles. He considers a few different options, weighing both their proximity to the city and as something Buck would realistically propose dropping everything to go do.

After breakfast, and while Chris is finishing getting ready for school, Buck makes his case.

“Hey so…what do you think about blowing off work today and going to the Grand Canyon?”

It’s sort of a long shot, but it’s both far outside the range of the earthquake and also a place Buck has told Eddie is on his bucket list of places to visit. They both started unofficial lists with each other after Buck’s near-death experience with the lightning strike, a reminder that tomorrow is never promised.

Or sometimes tomorrow is today and always will be because that’s how weird their life has become.

Eddie looks at him in surprise, which Buck expected.

“The Grand….Buck, I know you’ve mentioned wanting to go and we can make that happen, but it doesn’t have to be today,” Eddie gives a half-hearted laugh, clearly not knowing where this is coming from. “Plus, Chris has school and you know he’d want to come.”

Dammit, Buck should have considered that. Of course in any other circumstance this is a trip he would want to share with both Eddie and Chris. Chris and him had always bonded over going to the zoo, then nature reserves once they had become bored at seeing the same things over and over. They had even started a little stamp book of all the nearby national parks they visited.

But the point of this trip wasn’t really to go to the Grand Canyon. It was just to get Eddie as far from death’s door as possible.

“Chris has that big party tomorrow for his friend Charlie, remember he’s been so excited about it? I wouldn’t want him to miss that,” Buck says quickly, latching onto a name he knows he’s heard Chris say before. The party is a complete lie and he’ll have to explain that tomorrow if this works, but it’s better than the alternative.

Eddie’s brows are furrowed.

“No…no I don't remember that at all. Birthday party, are you sure?” Eddie moves to look at the calendar on the fridge.

“Pretty sure. He just mentioned it the other day though,” the words tumble out of Buck’s mouth as he tries to come up with a believable lie. “I don’t think you put it on the calendar, we were in the car.”

“Okay…” Eddie still sounds unsure, double checking the calendar to see if it has somehow appeared. “Regardless, we can just plan for a weekend where Chris doesn’t have another obligation. And, more importantly, we don't have work.”

He gives Buck a funny look.

“Are you feeling ok? You’ve never asked to skip work once…ever. In the entire time I’ve known you. In fact, we’ve had to beg you to not come in when you’re sick or injured,” Eddie is squinting at him and Buck can feel a bead of sweat drip down his forehead. He should have known lying to Eddie, especially about something like this, would be difficult.

Eddie moves closer, putting the back of his hand against Buck’s forehead to check his temperature. Buck swats his hand away.

“I’m not sick, Eddie. I just…I don’t know. I just have a feeling we shouldn’t go to work today,” Buck says. And maybe he’s verging on dangerous territory here, but telling a version of the truth with Eddie is a more natural way for him to go.

Eddie pulls back, eyeing him with concern.

“You have a feeling we shouldn’t go to work today? What does that mean? Buck, man, you know I don’t believe in -”

“I know, I know!” he rushes out, cutting Eddie off. “But I…I do. And, you said it yourself, you know I never want to skip out on work. But I just…I can’t ignore this and I really feel the urge to get out of the city and just go see the Grand Canyon. It feels like if I don’t go now then I never will!”

That part isn’t a lie. If Buck’s life ends on this day, then he really never will see the Grand Canyon. Never get to take Chris there and watch his face light up.

“Buck, you're scaring me,” Eddie says, worry in his voice and eyes.

“I’m…I’m scaring myself a bit, which is why I’m going to go,” he says resolutely. “And I would love for you to come with me, but if you don’t think you can then I’ll go by myself.”

It’s a gamble, but Buck feels confident it will pay off.

“Wait, wait,” Eddie sighs. “Don’t do that. I don’t understand what’s going on with you, but I don’t feel like I should leave you alone right now.”

Eddie seems to consider his options and comes to a decision.

“All right, let me just…let me call Hen and see if she’ll be ok with watching Chris for the night and getting him to his party that’s apparently happening tomorrow. You call Bobby and see if they’ll be ok without us for today. And on the drive you better start working on the best apology of all time for a teenager who is going to be very sullen about missing out on this.”

Buck can’t help the smile that spreads across his face and suddenly he’s moving across the kitchen to wrap Eddie in a quick hug.

“Thank you, thank you,” he says into his neck.

“Yeah, yeah,” Eddie mumbles, returning the hug with a tight squeeze and patting Buck on the back. “Now go call Bobby and pack a bag for whatever one night at the Grand Canyon entails.”

An hour later, they’re on the road with one of Buck’s road trip playlists blasting and Eddie trying to book a hotel room for the night.

Buck allows himself to forget for just a moment the reason they’re out here. Right now he’s not someone trying desperately to outrun his fate and save the life of the man he loves. He’s not trying to break out of a time loop and using any excuse to do so. Right now, he allows himself to just be a guy going on a roadtrip with his best friend to see one of the natural wonders of the world.

He finds himself giving into the moment, leaning in, enjoying Eddie’s company…but something’s missing.

With a jolt, he realizes he misses his Eddie. The one who has been going through this with him. Who is waiting for Buck on the other side of this loop to see if their plan works. But if it does…will that version of Eddie even exist?

Obviously the goal is to save Eddie’s life, but Buck feels a pang as he realizes that if their plan succeeds then the version of Eddie who lived through all the time loops dies in his own way. Why hadn’t they thought about this? It would be like that tv show they watched together when Chris was gone, the one with Adam Scott. If Time Loop!Eddie was a version of Eddie that only exists past 2 PM, does breaking the loop with the Eddie sitting next to him condemn Time Loop!Eddie to death?

But maybe that’s not true. They have no idea how any of this works. Maybe Eddie will wake up tomorrow and remember everything. Maybe Buck just needs to get the Eddie next to him to take a nap and he’ll wake up as Time Loop!Eddie.

Is it selfish of Buck to wish for Eddie to remember this horrible experience? Maybe it’s for the best if he doesn’t have to recall the trauma of dying over and over again. But the idea of Eddie forgetting their kiss makes Buck’s stomach turn to lead. In the most awful, private thoughts of his own mind, he can admit that.

He looks over and finds Eddie watching him.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Huh?”

“You just have that look you get when you’re too in your own head, it’s always dangerous,” Eddie teases. “So tell me, what are you thinking about?”

Buck immediately feels guilty for even doubting the Eddie next to him is his. He’s still Eddie. He stills knows Buck better than any single human, save maybe Maddie. But Eddie knows him in a different way. Buck suddenly remembers a conversation a few years ago when Eddie had pointed out that perhaps Chimney knew Maddie in a different way than he did. It makes him ache in that way that’s becoming all too familiar.

He hesitates for a moment, debating how honest he wants to be.

“If there were a different version of you, one that went through…” Buck considers his next words carefully. “Some pretty awful things.”

“This version of me has been through some pretty awful things, but continue.”

Buck shoots him a look and Eddie puts his hands in the air.

“Sorry, sorry,” Eddie huffs out a laugh and then straightens his face back into one of concentration. “Continue. I’m listening.”

“Some different awful things ok. But maybe…maybe some wonderful things too, I don’t know,” Buck goes pink. “And you had a chance to forget all the awful things, but forgetting would erase the wonderful parts too. Would you…would you do it?”

It’s the closest he can get to consulting with Eddie on the ethical dilemma taking place in his mind.

Eddie thinks about it for a moment.

“I mean…I think that’s just life, Buck. The awful and the wonderful go hand in hand. There’s a lot, and I mean a lot,” he glances over for emphasis. “that I want to forget, but I wouldn’t be who I am if I did. And there’s a lot of wonderful moments that I wouldn’t give up for anything. So no, I wouldn’t.”

The look of contemplation melts away into something warmer as he finishes answering Buck’s query.

Obviously Eddie doesn’t have all the facts, doesn’t understand the situation fully and maybe would have a different answer if he did, but it’s as close as he can come to getting his own Eddie’s take on it.

And he has to stop thinking about it like that. This is Eddie too, and Buck is doing this to save him. That’s what matters here.

“What uh, what brought this on?” Eddie asks.

“Oh I don’t know, just thinking about stuff,” Buck tries to deflect, eyes firmly on the road and not looking at Eddie.

“Buck, come on,” Eddie pleads, turning down the music. “This had to come from somewhere, you’ve been weird all day.”

Buck is considering throwing caution to the wind and filling Eddie in on everything, even if Eddie won’t believe him, when a tree falls into their path and they die instantly.

————-
TIME LOOP - 2.6

Ok…what the fuck.

That was only a few hours tops. How did they die so quickly?

Buck throws the sheets off in frustration. How was that fair? Does that happen to Eddie too?

He could play the loop out, link back up with Eddie in several hours and ask. Or he can try again, avoid that particular road, and gather more data to bring back to Eddie at the very least.

This time, he knows all the right things to say to get Eddie to ditch work, get in the car, and begin a drive to the Grand Canyon.

He quiets his mind on the drive, not returning to the existential crisis he was previously having. It was a distraction, and he’s also now pretty certain this is not going to be their way out of the time loop. But he needs to keep trying, for Eddie.

They make it slightly farther this time, far enough to need gas. Stopping just off the highway in a town that seems like it only exists for people passing through, Buck fills up the tank while Eddie goes to grab them some snacks and drinks for the road. He’s just finishing up when a gunshot rings out and his blood runs cold.

“E-Eddie!” he screams, sprinting towards the sound.

As he bursts through the door, he already knows what he’ll find. He can hardly bring himself to look at Eddie’s crumbled body on the floor, the blood splattered against the linoleum.

Buck is lost to a memory of another sunny day. A ringing in his ears. The taste of copper on his tongue.

Before the terror really sets in, Buck hears another shot ring out and he’s never been more thankful for the darkness.

————-
TIME LOOP - 2.7

Buck’s not sure if he can keep doing this. That last one was too much, too close to home. He never ever wants to see Eddie like that again in all his life. But all it does is remind him what he’s attempting to do here in the first place. All of it to save Eddie, to never have to witness him die like that again. He won’t survive it.

He forces himself to push for the Grand Canyon trip again. To avoid the road with the tree. To not stop at the gas station on exit 143.

When the bridge they’re driving over cracks in half and sends them plummeting to their deaths, Buck gives up somewhere before they hit the ground.

————-
TIME LOOP - 2.8

So leaving is a bust.

Buck sighs and buries his face in the couch pillows.

He’s certain now. That was three completely freak things in a row. Leaving won’t change the fact that they are meant to die today. At least, one of them is. And Buck is determined for that to be him.

Head still buried in the couch, he considers his next move. He and Eddie had discussed trying both leaving the state and also just staying in the house. At this point, Buck is almost certain that the house plan will not work either, but he’s exhausted and a day at home with Eddie sounds like the perfect remedy.

“Whatcha doing there, bud?” comes an amused call from somewhere in front of Buck.

Pulling his head out of the couch, he squints up at Eddie standing over him, burnt toast in hand and lips quirked up in a half smirk.

“Tired,” Buck groans, and it might be the truest thing he’s said in a while.

“You’ve been asleep for like 10 hours,” Eddie rolls his eyes.

God Buck wishes that were true.

“But I’ll leave you alone if you promise not to say a word about my burned toast,” Eddie playfully holds up a finger to his lips and glances down the hallway to Chris’ room.

“Deal,” Buck groans, stretching as he sits up and grabs one of the pieces of toast from Eddie’s hand and stuffs it in his mouth.

Eddie makes a sound of distress.

“Buck! That wasn’t just mildly burned, it was full-on charred!”

Buck can’t bring himself to care and just shrugs.

“Okaaaay,” Eddie drags out the word, giving Buck a suspicious look. “Well now that you’re awake and apparently fed, would you be up for making pancakes this morning? Chris won’t admit it, but he loves when you make them and all I’ve managed to do is burn some shitty toast so you’d be his hero.”

“I’ve had shittier,” Buck responds, mouth still half full.

Eddie makes a face.

“Gross, don’t set a bad example for Chris. I’ve tried to teach him good manners.”

At that, Buck grins.

“Ah, you love it. I’m a great role model, thank you very much,” he pats Eddie’s shoulders in emphasis as he slides past him to begin making pancakes in the kitchen.

He hears Eddie snort behind him, and he decides that maybe today will be a good day after all.

As he begins stirring his usual pancake mix, he vows to do some googling today for something new to try. Today seems like a great day for staying inside, researching recipes for his boys, and not dying horrifically on the road.

Now to convince Eddie of this.

He’s pretty much perfected pitching the idea of going to the Grand Canyon with only minimal resistance, but getting Eddie to stay home will take a different approach.

He waits until after breakfast, after Chris has left for the day, before he makes his attempt.

“Hey so I think…I think I’m going to not go into work today,” he says, playing with his hands as he hovers in the doorway.

Eddie looks up from the sink, turning off the water.

“What?” he asks, trying to conceal the surprise on his face. “I don’t think I heard you correctly with the water running.”

Buck sighs. He wishes he could just skip this part.

“Yeah I just…I don’t know. I feel off. And I don’t want to put anyone’s life at risk because my head isn’t in the game,” he shrugs.

Eddie walks toward him and puts his hand against Buck’s forehead, like he always does.

“Are you feeling ok? You’ve never asked to skip work once…ever. In the entire time I’ve known you. In fact, we’ve had to beg you to not come in when you’re sick or injured,” Eddie squints at him in a way Buck has become so familiar with. It takes everything in him not to recite Eddie’s lines along with him.

Buck moves to swat his hand away, though all he longs to do is grab hold of it and never let go. Actually…what’s stopping him from doing that? At this point, he’s almost certain something will happen to reset this loop anyway and he’s become used to a certain level of intimacy from Time Loop!Eddie that he’s craving right now.

So instead of batting Eddie’s hand away, Buck takes it gently in his and removes it from his face. Eddie watches the movement in fascination, staring at their locked hands now resting between them as Buck refuses to drop his hand first.

Buck gives Eddie’s hand a small squeeze.

“I’m not sick, Eddie. I just… I have a feeling I shouldn’t go to work today, like something bad will happen,” he admits.

Eddie looks up from their hands and meets Buck’s eyes, startled.

“You’re scaring me, Buck,” Eddie says, thumb rubbing over Buck’s hand on instinct.

“Sorry,” he mumbles. “I don’t mean to. I just think it’s best for the team if I’m not at work today.”

Maybe there’s some truth in that. Maybe, somehow, if he hadn’t been there Eddie would be fine.

As soon as the thought enters his mind, he immediately rejects it. No. No, there is no one more qualified than him to save Eddie Diaz. No one who will fight as hard. The idea of him missing out on work the day Eddie dies in an elevator makes him want to vomit.

“Buck,” Eddie breathes out. “Do you…do you need to talk to someone? Is this about the lightning strike again -”

Buck shakes his head quickly.

“No, no it’s not that. I’ll be fine, really,” he gives a half-hearted smile.

Eddie’s eyes roam his face, searching for something. Buck’s not sure what.

“Ok. But I’m not leaving you here by yourself. I’m going to go call Bobby and see if they can make do without the both of us today. And if you still feel like this tomorrow then we’re revisiting the therapy conversation,” Eddie says firmly, still staring into Buck’s eyes to make sure he’s listening.

“Eddie, that’s not-” Buck knows the goal is to keep both him and Eddie here, but his natural instinct is to deny burdening Eddie. To not make Buck’s problems his problems.

“No arguments,” Eddie points at him with his free hand. He gives the other hand still clutched in Buck’s a small squeeze. “I’m calling Bobby.”

Buck already knows what Bobby will say. That Bobby will be fine with it, tell them to take the day.

He allows Eddie to go, heart stuttering as he walks out the door.

Buck longs to tell him what’s going on, bring him into the fold. He doesn’t though, not wanting to ruin the softness settling between them on this go-round with arguments over the existence of time loops.

Instead he and Eddie spend the next hour sorting things out around the house, doing a deep cleaning that feels very therapeutic even though Buck knows it will probably all be undone in a few hours.

When they fall onto the couch, exhausted from a couple hours of vigorous cleaning, Eddie smiles over at him.

“You know what, this was nice,” he admits, sinking deeper into the couch. “Frank used to talk about taking mental health days and I kinda thought that was bullshit since I love what we do, but this has in fact been a nice mental break.”

“Frank’s a smart one, maybe you should listen to him more often,” Buck jokes.

A look Buck can’t quite decipher passes over Eddie’s face.

“Yeah…yeah maybe,” Eddie seems to be weighing something in his mind, and Buck is just about to ask when Eddie suddenly stands up.

“Do you want a beer? I know it’s like 11am but I think we’ve earned it,” Eddie’s already heading toward the door, not waiting for Buck’s answer.

What is that about?

Eddie walks back into the room, two beers in hand, and Buck reaches out to take the one held out in offering.

As Eddie sits back down next to him, a little closer than before, Buck has an idea.

“Hey! Do you want to watch a movie?”

Eddie shrugs, “Sure, why not. Did you have one in mine?”

In fact, Buck does.

“Do you want to watch Groundhog Day?”

“Groundhog Day?” Eddie laughs. “Yeah, sure we can watch Groundhog day. What made you think of that?”

If only you knew.

“Oh no reason,” he says nonchalantly, pulling out his phone. “Let me see if it’s streaming anywhere.”

Just then, there’s a strange noise from above. They both look up in question.

“Is that a crack in the ceiling?” Eddie asks in disbelief. “What the fuck?”

Buck realizes what’s about to happen and makes a dive for Eddie to push him out of the way.

He’s too late, and they both are buried as the roof collapses in on them.

————-
TIME LOOP - 3

“Ok, I’m done with that,” Buck says to the still intact ceiling above him.

He had other ideas, other plans for how to get around the inevitability of the day, but it’s painfully obvious that there is no out-smarting the time loop. They have to go to that elevator. Not once has he even been able to make it far enough into the day where his Time Loop!Eddie might join him.

Maybe he’s giving up too soon, but he needs a break. Needs to see his Eddie and try something different.

He was looking forward to watching Groundhog Day though, maybe that’s something they can do together.

After a quick google search and finding out it’s somehow not on one single streaming service, he sends off a quick text to Chim to bring a physical copy to the firehouse today. He ignores the follow-up text and gets up to begin making Chris’ pancakes.

He allows the morning to play out like normal, biding his time until Eddie wakes up in the afternoon.

When they arrive at the station, Chimney tosses him the Groundhog Day DVD.

“There you go, Buck. Now will you tell me why you suddenly needed to watch this Bill Murray classic since you didn’t want to answer my texts?” Chimney says loudly, causing several people to look over at them.

“Oh, thanks!” Buck says brightly. Looking around, he notices Eddie’s raised eyebrow as he moves to the locker room. “Um, was just talking to Chris and he’d never seen it.”

Chimney nods, accepting this answer.

“Teach ‘em young. I like it,” Chimney pats him on the back. “Always willing to help out with the education of cinema.”

Buck smiles back, then considers Chim’s words.

“Hey, do you happen to know any other good time loop movies?”

Chimney gives him an odd look.

“Yeah, a few. I could make you a list. What is this about?”

Buck has a lie ready to go, it’s on the tip of his tongue, but something stops him.

“Actually Chim, could I talk to you about something? Alone?” Buck glances around. There’s no one in their immediate vicinity, but he’d still rather do this away from everyone. Chimney can be loud.

Chimney eyes him for a moment and then nods. “Yeah, of course. Consider my curiosity piqued.”

Buck sighs in relief, glad Chimney didn’t ask for more clarification first, and leads him up to the roof. He figures they’ve got about 10 minutes before their first call of the day comes in, and the roof should give them enough privacy.

“Sooo,” Chimney turns to Buck once they’re upstairs, grabbing one of the chairs they keep out here and sitting down. “What’s on your mind? And is it a secret, because you know I’m terrible at keeping those.”

“Well you’re going to have to keep this one, though not for very long I promise,” Buck pulls up his own chair, sitting across from Chimney. “Mostly because you’re going to forget.”

Chimney leans back, looking at Buck in curiosity.

“Forget? Are you planning on giving me a concussion, Buckley? Because I don’t think your sister-”

“No, no nothing like that,” he shakes his head quickly, holding up the DVD still in hand. “I’m stuck in a time loop and I feel like if anyone has advice on that, it would be you.”

Chimney does a double-take and leans forward.

“Ok ha ha very funny Buck. Did Hen put you up to this?” he looks around, as if expecting Hen to jump out at any moment.

“What - no. It’s not a prank,” Buck shakes his head. “Listen, I know this is hard to believe, and I can prove it to you if you so wish, but for the meantime can you just pretend like you believe me?”

“Let’s say I do,” Chimney pops his gum, sizing Buck up. “Why are you telling me?”

“Because you’re the movie guy! And my brother-in-law. And…and you believed me in my coma dream,” Buck admits, realizing that is the underlying factor in wanting to confide in Chim.

“Your coma dream?” Chimney seems perplexed at that. To be fair, Buck hadn’t really talked about it much with anyone besides Bobby.

“Yes, when I got struck by lightning I had this really weird, vivid dream where everything was wrong. But I found you, and you believed me and helped me figure out how to get out of my coma and get back home,” Buck sighs. He hates talking about this, but if it helps get Chimney to understand why Buck trusts him on this topic then he’ll suck it up.

“But Buck,” Chimney’s shaking his head, clearly still absorbing the information. “That wasn’t really me.”

“I know, I know! But, it was a version of you,” he argues, gesturing at Chim. “And you referenced stuff I don’t even know! Like, you brought up some old movie and called yourself Clarence.”

Chimney brightens.

“It’s a Wonderful Life! One of the best films ever made.”

“Yeah, yeah I think that was it. And that’s my point, you were able to use that movie to help me out. You said…” Buck pauses, trying to remember the exact words Chimney had used. “You said in the movie he has to learn a lesson and figure something out before he can get back to his other life.”

“But you weren’t in another life, Buck. You were in a medically induced coma and dying,” Chimney says, a hint of pain in his voice. Buck knows that time was rough on his family and is regretting bringing any of this up.

“Yes, but I still needed to learn that lesson in order to leave,” Buck knocks Chimney’s knee. “And you helped me with that.”

“What lesson was that? Maybe you need to learn it again,” Chimney points out, as if that should be obvious.

Buck shakes his head.

“No, no I don’t think so. Because it’s not just me in the loop. It’s Eddie too.”

Buck watches that information land with Chimney as his face morphs into one of pure delight.

“Eddie? Eddie is in a time loop? And he’ll vouch for that? Oh this I have to see,” Chimney goes to stand up and Buck yanks him back down.

“Yes, he is, but not yet. His loop doesn’t start until the afternoon when we’re playing Mario Kart,” Buck explains.

“Wait wait, you’re in a double time loop situation? Oh that is interesting. And convenient for you right now,” Chimney makes a face.

“It’s actually very inconvenient,” Buck sighs, rubbing his face. “I have to wait all morning for him to get here. So could you help me make some kind of progress and give me a list of time loop movies to watch?”

Chimney looks him up and down.

“Ok, let’s say I believe you. What’s happening in this time loop? Is there anything that stands out about today that would make you repeat it?”

Buck groans.

“Unfortunately, yes. At around 2:06 pm today, there’s going to be a 7.6 earthquake. We respond to a call and both me and Eddie die on that call,” Buck confesses.

Chimney rears back, eyes wide.

“Both of you?” he asks, a hitch in his voice. “Well now I really hope you are just pulling some sick joke.”

“Me and you both,” Buck sighs. “But unfortunately not. We’ve tried not going to the call or skipping work entirely, but it doesn’t work. We just die some other way and the loop resets. I think Eddie has tried a lot of other things at the call, he was here for a long time before me and -”

Chimney cuts in, floored at this new information.

“You’re telling me Eddie was in the time loop first? For longer?” Chimney scratches his head. “I can’t believe you’re pulling me in with this shit. Ok, then how did you get involved?”

“It was when Eddie finally told me he was stuck in a time loop,” Buck answers, leaving it at that.

“Oh well great, thanks for potentially roping me into your death time loop shenanigans,” Chimney says sarcastically, crossing his arms as he pops his gum again.

Buck goes pink, thinking about the real reason he believes he was pulled into this never-ending day.

“Trust me, I don’t think you have to worry about that,” he fiddles with his hands and hopes Chimney leaves it alone.

Chimney is silent, with only a few bites of his gum to punctuate the air.

“All right, I think I know what I’m working with here. I’ll come up with a list today and get it to you before…2:06 pm did you say?”

Buck nods, relief flooding through him.

“Yes, that’s perfect! Thank you, Chim,” Buck beams and pulls his brother-in-law into a bone-crushing hug.

“Yeah, yeah don’t thank me yet. Let’s get you through the day alive first,” Chimney pats him on the back. “Can’t believe you two knuckleheads are so oblivious that the universe itself got fed up with the two of you.”

Buck pulls back from the hug, looking at Chim in confusion.

“What the hell is that supposed to mea-”

Buck is cut off by the bell ringing loudly, calling them to their first of three car accidents today. How had he and Eddie ignored that for so long before? It was ear-splitting.

Chimney just gives him two thunks on the shoulder, grinning.

“Think you’re going to have to figure that one out. Now tell me what this call is before we go downstairs and maybe I’ll really believe your crazy-ass story.”

*

By the time they’re back from their last call before the earthquake strikes, Buck has Chimney fully convinced he and Eddie are in a time loop. It was almost comical watching Chim’s face as they arrived at each call, realizing it was exactly the way Buck had described it. The syrup poisoning lady had been his final straw.

As they get Mario Kart set up, with Hen in the kitchen chatting to Cap and Eddie having already dozed off, Chimney turns to Buck and hands him a piece of paper titled “Chim’s Must Watch Time Loop Films For If You’re Ever Stuck in a Time Loop.”

“Clever,” Buck laughs, looking over the list.

“You better memorize that, since it won’t be here when you start over tomorrow,” Chimney warns. “And while this has been fun and I’d love for you to include me on every loop, I have a feeling you don’t want to go through this every day.”

Buck smiles. “It’s been nice getting to talk to you about this Chim, really. I’ve only been through it a few times by myself and it’s been so lonely.”

His eyes drift to Eddie and he gazes at the dozing man.

“He’s been doing it for so much longer, and he’s only gone to see Chris once. I just…I have to figure this out for him.”

He hears Chimney make a small hum and doesn’t bother asking what he means.

“Since Eddie only wakes up minutes before the earthquake hits, how are you two ever going to watch these movies?” Chimney asks, choosing to leave his small hum at just that.

“What do you mean?” Buck looks away from Eddie, eyebrows creased in confusion at Chimney instead.

“I mean, I know you’ve said you skip out on going to the call sometimes, but the roads are still dangerous and you’re not going to have a whole lot of time to watch anything if you have to dally around here making excuses,” Chim explains.

Right. Buck’s heart sinks. He hadn’t thought about that.

“What do you propose we do?”

“So glad you asked! I have a plan,” Chim grins and in that grin Buck sees the mischievous smile of his niece, who he misses greatly.

Which is how Buck comes to be dragging Eddie out the door the moment his eyes open, Chimney backing up their story behind them as they go.

Buck manages to get Eddie into the car and a decent distance away from the station when the p-wave initially hits. After the quake has stopped, Buck gets them back on the road and on their way home, allowing Eddie to finally speak.

“What is going on?” Eddie’s stress and confusion is barely contained, simmering just beneath the surface. “I thought you were going to convince me to skip work so that I didn’t start the day over at the station?”

Buck sighs. Right. Eddie has missed about 5 chapters in the story of their time loop.

“That’s the thing, Eddie: I did!” Keeping one hand on the wheel, he waives the other one around in agitation. “I’ve been through multiple loops since we went to see Chris.”

He can tell Eddie is stunned by that information.

“So you-”

“I tried, Eddie, I really did!” he needs Eddie to know that he didn’t just give up. “I even got you to go along with it, which trust me you definitely did think something was wrong with me.”

He gives a tiny laugh, trying to lighten the mood and let off a bit of the energy building within him.

“I decided to just kind of play into that though, made you scared to leave me alone. Not my proudest moment, but desperate times and all that.”

Buck avoids Eddie’s eyes, feeling ashamed for concerning the other Eddie in that way.

“Ok so what happened then?” Eddie prompts, not seeming bothered by Buck’s reveal of his manipulation.

“It didn’t matter that we didn’t go into work,” Buck sighs, feeling the frustration of all those attempts weighing heavily on him. “Just like when we skip out after the earthquake, we somehow just end up dying some other way. And this time, it happened before the earthquake even struck. We never even made it that far, as if the universe needed you to start the day on that couch and that couch only.”

“Ugh,” Eddie grunts in frustration, slamming his head against his headrest.

Buck carries on, explaining what he was doing while Eddie wasn’t around.

“At first I tried to have us leave town. Didn’t work.”

Visions of a tree trunk and a gunshot and a terrifying plummet fill his mind.

“Then I tried keeping us at home. That didn’t work either,” Buck frowns at the memory of a falling ceiling. “That’s when I gave up avoiding work as a viable strategy and decided to not make any major changes so I could see you today. I pivoted.”

“Oh?” Eddies asks with curiosity.

“Yes. We have to get to the bottom of why this is happening if we want to stop it. Clearly there’s no outsmarting or avoiding the situation. So we’re going to research,” Buck says brightly, actually excited to finally look into all of this more, even if it is just fictional movies. There has to be something they can get out of at least one of these films.

“Research?” Eddie questions, sounding dubious about what possible research Buck could have on time loops.

“We’re going home and watching as many time loop movies as we can before the universe strikes us down. I have a list that Chim recommended.”

“You talked to Chimney?” Eddie sounds both mortified and hurt. Buck quickly tries to assuage any doubts Eddie has.

“Yeah, he’s really good with this kind of thing. He helped me in my coma dream.”

“Your coma dream?”

Maybe he should have talked with his family about his coma dream more after it happened because everyone questioning him on it now is getting annoying.

“Yes,” he huffs, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice. “Are you going to keep repeating everything as a question?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Eddie apologizes, leaning back in his seat. “I’m just trying to catch up here. It feels…weird that you’ve been through some loops without me.”

“Now you know how I felt,” Buck smiles over at Eddie, teasing him. But it’s true. Knowing Eddie went through today with a version of himself that he can never access…it is indeed weird.

“Ah, so this was payback?” Eddie quips, raising his eyebrows at Buck in accusation.

“No!” Buck denies quickly. He hadn’t been thinking about it like that at all. “I mean, it wasn’t on purpose. I didn’t even realize at first that you weren’t going to be…well you if our plan worked. I actually had a bit of a moral dilemma over even trying to get out of town because it felt like I would be killing this version of you if I did. Didn’t end up needing to ponder that too long as we never made it more than three hours into the morning but…” he glances over at Eddie, sees him watching him closely and blushes. “But I missed you the whole time. If I’m being honest, it was kind of torturous going through the morning over and over and not being able to really talk to you.”

Confessing that feels like taking his heart out of his chest and gently placing it in Eddie’s lap.

Eddie’s eyes never leave him, watching him carefully. Eventually he lets out a breath and tentatively reaches out to take Buck’s free hand in his.

“Now you know how I felt,” Eddie says softly, squeezing Buck’s hand.

Buck tries to swallow the small breath of air he sucks in, hoping Eddie doesn’t notice. It’s a little ridiculous, actually, how much Eddie can completely undo Buck with the smallest of touches, something Buck thought he was far past.

He lets out a tiny laugh, squeezing Eddie’s hand back.

“Walked right into that one, didn’t I?” he breathes out, turning onto their street.

Eddie hums in agreement, brushing his thumb over the back of Buck’s hand in a way that drives him absolutely insane. It’s the same absent-minded gesture he had done in the kitchen when Buck had taken his hand. He wonders if Eddie is even aware he’s doing it, or if it’s just his instinctual move to comfort and calm Buck.

“So back at the station that was…?” Eddie prompts, and Buck has to concentrate to figure out what he’s referring to.

“Oh! Chimney offered to help get us out of there as soon as possible so we could maximize our time watching movies before we get smacked down by the universe again.”

And then, for some reason, he feels compelled to make a little pow! noise and smack the top of the wheel for emphasis. What is wrong with him? The situation isn’t exactly funny and Eddie has had to deal with it for far longer than Buck and he’s going to realize how lame Buck is and decide actually he doesn’t want to do this with him at all and-

Eddie snorts.

“Lovely,” he says sarcastically, but there’s that familiar twinkle in his eyes that Buck thinks might be reserved just for him. All the anxious thoughts fade away, replaced by the usual security he always feels around Eddie. “Ok, let’s see this list.”

*

Buck would have chosen to stay in the car all day until a sink hole opened up to swallow them, or whatever fucked up 1,001-Ways-To-Die death the universe decided to dole out this time claimed them. He would have gladly sat there and welcomed it if it meant not having to drop Eddie’s hand.

But Eddie had jumped out of the car first, ready to get this movie marathon started, making the most of their time.

Now, with his legs propped up on the coffee table, third beer in hand, and sitting far closer to Eddie than they ever allow themselves, he doesn’t mind so much.

After a brief argument over whether to start with the TV show episodes Chimney included as a bonus (“I’m not watching something called Supernatural, Buck. I’m still wrapping my head around being in a time loop, you’re not bringing demons into this.”), they landed on beginning with the movie that inspired this juncture: Groundhog Day.

It isn’t until halfway through the film that Buck remembers this is, above all, a rom com.

He steals a glance at Eddie during the scene in the hotel room where Nancy tells Bill Murrary that the time loop isn’t a curse, just depends on how you look at it, and she hopes Bill Murrary will do the day with her again sometime because it was a good day for her.

Are they thinking about this all wrong? Maybe Nancy’s right, maybe being stuck inside the same day with the person you love isn’t such a curse after all.

At least, for Buck it isn’t. He’s still not sure what that kiss was about, as they both continue to avoid bringing it up for the most part, but he feels certain Eddie doesn’t love him in the same way he loves Eddie. But then Eddie goes and does stuff like take his hand while driving and initiates soft touches and Buck doesn’t know what to think anymore.

Eddie looks over and meets Buck’s gaze.

“What?” he asks, leaning closer to Buck.

Buck shakes his head. No. He can’t say any of that out loud. For Eddie, this is a curse. A curse that keeps him away from his son. How could any day where Eddie and Christopher aren’t together be a perfect day. Buck has to get him free of it.

“Nothing,” he answers, turning back to the movie. He can feel Eddie’s gaze linger for a moment more, then returns his attention to the television screen.

After that, Buck tries to focus on just taking notes. He’s not sure how much of this really applies to them, but it feels nice to do something. He jots down notes on the portion of the movie where Bill Murray saves a bunch of people, learning to be altruistic and help others. He somehow doubts that’s the lesson they need to learn here, as they do that every day, but he writes it down all the same.

Ultimately, his takeaway from that particular film is how Bill Murray had to grow as a person, become the best version of himself, and learn to truly love others to break free of his time loop. But Eddie already does all of that, so it kind of feels like this movie is a bust.

The second film on Chimney’s list is one neither of them have watched. Something called Palm Springs starring Andy Samberg and Cristin Milioti. It becomes apparent very quickly that this one is a rom com too. What is Chimney’s problem? Are all time loop films rom coms?

Not even five minutes into the film, and Buck thinks this should come with a personal trigger warning for him specifically. It’s so fast, a blink and you miss it line about the bride donating bone marrow to save the life of her baby brother, that Buck is certain Chimney would never have thought about it. But it makes Buck tense up instantly, and before he can even hope that Eddie didn’t notice, he feels a shoulder lean against his.

Out of the corner of his eye, he peeks over at Eddie who is still staring straight ahead at the tv.

Buck relaxes against him, happy to accept the small offer of comfort and thankful for Eddie not forcing him to talk about it. He’s always been so good at that, knowing exactly what Buck needs in the moment even when everyone else thinks they know what’s best for him.

The feelings of discomfort and guilt the line unearthed disappear after a few minutes, and Buck is able to go back to simply enjoying the movie and the press of Eddie’s body against his as neither of them move away.

“Are we certain you didn’t go into some magical cave and invoke deep time loop California magic?” Buck teases Eddie as the means of how the characters come to be stuck in a time loop are revealed.

Eddie pushes against him lightly.

“Ha ha. No, Buck, I didn’t go into a magical cave. I wish it were that simple,” Eddie says sarcastically, and Buck can practically hear the eye roll in his voice.

“Ok, just had to be sure. I’m still putting it down in the official notes.”

“You’re putting “magical glowing cave that opens in the California desert after an earthquake” in the official notes?” Eddies asks judgmentally.

“I mean, there’s at least the earthquake connection. We can’t discount it yet,” Buck says with a grin, loving any chance he has to rile Eddie up.

Eddie makes a sound of exasperation.

“Yeah ok, but tomorrow I’m talking to Chimney about this list and its viability.”

“Whatever you want,” Buck laughs.

There’s a point some time near the end of the movie, when the characters are at their lowest, where J.K. Simmons reflects on getting to enjoy a quiet day at home with his kids forever. As he tells Andy Samberg that while he’s come to appreciate the day and the time he gets to spend with them, it doesn't change the fact that “I'm never gonna see my kids grow up,” Buck feels Eddie’s breath catch next to him.

It’s Buck’s turn to offer Eddie comfort. They’re already leaning against each other, so he takes the chance to grab Eddie’s hand in his and squeeze. Trying to encompass everything in that small gesture. I know how much you miss him and I’m so sorry and I swear I’m going to make sure you get to see him grow up if it’s the last thing I do.

Eddie accepts it, smiling gratefully at Buck and leaning his head on his shoulder.

Buck tries not to move after that, like someone afraid to startle a small rabbit. It’s hard when J.K. Simmons follows up the conversation about his kids with “At least you have each other, nothing worse than going through this shit alone.”

All Buck wants to do is look at Eddie’s face and see if that hit him in the ribs just as hard.

Because if his jaunt through those few loops alone taught him anything, other than their deaths today being inevitable, it’s that he is truly so thankful to be in this with Eddie. He doesn’t think he could do it by himself, and he once again admires how strong Eddie is that he managed to make it through countless loops all alone.

Eventually, Eddie moves away to go grab them another round of beers and Buck takes the chance to stretch, reaching for his notebook.

What he has so far is: learn to be selfless, become the best version of yourself, minimize harm to others, make lives better when you can, appreciate life, learn to love and allow yourself to be loved, and maybe learn quantum physics.

It’s a lot of Hollywood nonsense, but it’s somewhere to start he supposes. Though he doesn’t want to touch on the love aspect of it at all. He’ll just chalk that portion up to being for the rom com of it all. Nothing to do with them.

When Eddie comes back, beer in hand, Buck accepts his thankfully and takes a huge chug. Eddie raises an eyebrow, sitting back down on the couch still close to Buck, but no longer right up against him.

As the credits roll, Buck gestures passionately at the screen, ignoring the beer that sloshes down his arm.

“I don’t know why no one in these time loops goes on an absolute huge spending spree. There’s no consequences to just wasting huge amounts of money and maxing out your credit cards.”

He latches onto this nugget of thought he had at several points during the films, ignoring the more complicated and emotional can of worms he had been contemplating.

“Yeah, but you can’t keep anything you buy,” Eddie points out, looking at Buck in amusement. “It would just be gone the next day. So what’s the point?”

Ugh Eddie’s not getting it!

A little unsteadily, still on the couch, he stands on his knees to make his point.

“I don’t mean material things. That’s boring anyway. I mean experiences!” he grabs onto Eddie’s shoulders, shaking them slightly to make sure he understands. Eddie just laughs at him, impassioning Buck further. “You know…buy a ticket to Disneyland or…or…or…Paris or something! Just go crazy, you know? Or buy a really expensive meal! Something you would never spend your real money on! Something you can savor in the moment, have the memory forever, but tomorrow your money is back in your bank account. That’s what I mean.”

Having made his point, he finishes with a huff and flops back onto the couch. As he closes his eyes for a moment, the room tilts a little and he realizes chugging that last beer when he already had several over the past few hours maybe wasn’t the best idea.

“We can just go to Disneyland, Buck,” Eddie says fondly. Then, softer, adds, “I’ll take you.”

Buck opens his eyes and lets his head flop over to look at Eddie, a small pout on his lips.

“Have you seen the prices lately, Eddie?” he asks earnestly. “They’re insane. And don’t forget, I know what your financial situation is. So don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

He punctuates the last sentence with a tiny boop of Eddie’s nose and receives an eye roll in response.

“Ok, then why don’t you go?” Eddie raises his eyebrows in challenge. “If you need a reminder, you are now one of the people stuck in a time loop. You can live out all your dreams, make-up for all the other people caught in time loops who did it wrong.”

Buck sighs. How is Eddie not getting it?

“Well you see, Eddie,” he draws out, inching closer into Eddie’s space with each word. “There’s this biiiiiig earthquake that hits the state of California-”

Eddie shoves Buck playfully and Buck grins back at him, happy to have the mood lightened.

“Ha ha, you’re so funny,” Eddie says with his usual sarcasm. “I mean before the earthquake, smartass. You have multiple hours before it hits.”

Buck makes a face. It hadn’t even crossed his mind because the idea is so utterly unappealing. If his loops without the Eddie sitting next to him reinforced anything, it’s that he has no interest in what this life has to offer without Eddie at his side.

Also, he shudders to think of all the horrible ways they could die at Disney, ruining the place for him forever.

“Yeah, but you aren’t there,” he says simply. “So what’s the point?”

Eddie’s playful manner has completely dropped and he doesn’t seem to have a response at all, just staring at Buck.

Buck smiles at him, letting him know he doesn’t need to respond. It’s enough for Buck to have said it.

“I did like how Bill Murray used his time learning to play the piano and making ice sculptures,” he continues with his previous train of thought. “And Cristin Milioti learned quantum physics. I don’t think that’s for me, but maybe if we’re stuck here for a while we can pick an activity to learn together!”

Thinking of all the possibilities open to them, excitement takes root. He grabs Eddie’s hand and shakes it slightly.

“I’ve always wanted to learn how to play an instrument or speak another language. Oh!” A little piece of information Eddie dropped into conversation not long ago comes back to him. “Hey, don’t think I’ve forgotten you mentioning that you used to ballroom dance!”

“No, not that Buck!” Eddie groans, taking his hand back and covering his face. “If you remember correctly, I said I quit because I hated it!”

“Mmm,” Buck hums in disagreement, not letting Eddie get away with it this time. “I seem to recall you saying you quit because your parents took something you loved and made it into a competitive thing. Sucked the joy out of it. But fine, if you don’t want to teach me how to ballroom dance…”

He trails off, sighing loudly. Then, in a move that he only pulls when flirting, he dips his head slightly and looks up at Eddie through his eyelashes. It’s a dirty move, an almost 100% guarantee that Buck will get his way, and not something he ever thought he could deploy on Eddie.

It’s almost entertaining watching how instantly it works.

Flustered, Eddie opens his mouth, trying to come up with an excuse, before swallowing with a shake of his head. Buck stares at the movement of his Adam’s apple in hunger, wondering how Eddie would respond to some strategic kisses placed along his neck.

“Ok, ok fine,” Eddie gives in, laughing as Buck lets out a quiet yes! of victory under his breath.

“I’ll allow it to be on the table as a possibility. But I would really prefer we not spend enough time stuck in this day to learn an entirely new skill. Especially since I only have half the day.”

It’s Buck’s turn to roll his eyes.

“Well, yes that would be preferred. Just trying to find some silver linings in the meantime,” he reaches for his notebook where he’s been jotting thoughts down throughout the films. “So here’s what I’ve gathered as the top most important factors behind why we might be stuck in a time loop and how we can get out of it, according to Hollywood.”

He begins ticking things off one-by-one.

“First, it seems like the people in the loops always are emotionally stuck in their lives before they get caught in the time loop. It forces them to grow as people. Bill Murray has to learn to think of others, not just himself. Andy Samberg and Cristin Milioti, they needed to learn what they do to other people matters, take accountability and control of their lives,” he frowns, looking at his list. “But I think we both already pretty much do those things every day, so maybe there’s some other way we have to grow?”

He taps his pen against his notebook, hoping an answer will pop out to him.

“I’m not sure,” he sighs, continuing when nothing comes to him. “Also, given they’re both rom coms, since that seems to be the only type of movie with a time loop apparently, there’s some element of learning to love or…or learning to let down your defenses to love someone or something like that? That one is kind of nonsense to drive the plot, but maybe Cristin Milioti was onto something with her quantum physics theory. Maybe we could talk to Karen?”

Buck stops to catch his breath, realizing maybe he’s rambled on about the love plots for too long. Looking to the side, he checks in to see if Eddie has any suggestions about anything he has just thrown out there. He finds Eddie’s gaze already fixed on him, steady, and he doesn’t know why but there’s something in his eyes that makes Buck want to blush.

Was he talking too much? Was bringing up the romance aspect too much? Was he being too much?

“What?” he asks, suddenly very self-conscious.

Eddie stares for a moment longer before answering.

“I’m just….really glad you’re here,” Eddie says, so open and honest.

Buck relaxes at the words, feeling like he could melt through the couch.

“Me too,” he rushes to assure Eddie, thinking of how lonely he had felt in all the loops without him. “I…I hate thinking about you being in this alone for so long.”

He watches as Eddie’s defenses come back up when he tries to deflect Buck’s words.

“Well, you know, you were there with me, Buck,” he teases, even though he knows what Buck meant.

“You know what I mean,” Buck rolls his eyes at this ridiculous man and shoves him lightly.

Eddie lets out a small laugh.

“I do, I do,” he admits.

They stare at each other for a beat.

Buck contemplates ignoring Eddie’s deflection, instead continuing along the line of emotional vulnerability they had been about to go down, when Eddie speaks again.

“Hey, I’ve been wondering…do you have any theories in there on why, after endless loops with me all by myself, you suddenly joined? Because you didn’t follow me into a magic cave, so we can rule that one out,” Eddie jokes.

But Buck knows exactly why.

And maybe if he had had one less beer, if they had been a little less free with their touches today, if Eddie hadn’t just told Buck he’s glad to have Buck here and assuaged the never-ending insecurity at the core of him, maybe if any of those things hadn’t happened, then Buck would not have the courage to answer him honestly.

“Oh well that’s easy. I don’t need research to figure that one out,” he smiles, suddenly very sure of the hand he is about to reveal.

Eddie raises an eyebrow, prompting Buck to continue. And Buck is pretty sure, but he wants to be certain he has all his facts straight.

“You said that was the first loop where you kissed me, right?”

As the words leave his mouth, he notices Eddie tense and his grip tighten around the beer bottle he’s still holding. Up until now, they’ve allowed each other to dance around that moment, the elephant eternally in the room.

Eddie just gives one single nod of confirmation.

“Yeah,” Buck nods, never feeling more certain of anything in his whole life. “There’s not a universe where I forget you kissing me.”

It feels so good to say it, to have it out there. To let Eddie know exactly where he stands. He feels lighter and more free than he thinks he has in seven years.

Which of course is the moment the roof decides to come caving down on them yet again.

————-
TIME LOOP - 4

He should have seen that one coming.

Blinking awake, he stares up at the ceiling that has now fallen on him two loops in a row. If they survive today and escape this time loop nonsense, he’s going to have someone come look at the damn roof.

Despite having died yet again, Buck can’t stop the buoyancy he still feels in his chest after finally voicing his true feelings to Eddie and the world not ending.

Well…a roof had fallen on them, but that’s just the standard fare of their lives currently.

Maybe he’ll regret it later, when he has to actually face Eddie for more than fifteen seconds, but even that doesn’t scare him right now. All Eddie has done is prove over and over again that he wants Buck around, so he’s no longer worried about this ruining their friendship forever. He’s even beginning to come around to the idea that maybe Eddie could feel the same and isn’t as straight as Buck purported.

The hours of rom coms might have gone to his brain, but Eddie did initiate the kiss after all. And so many small touches and glances over the last few days, hell the last few years if he’s being honest with himself. He ignored every sign, every look, every declaration of devotion, because he was so certain Eddie was straight. That he could never actually reciprocate. That Buck would ruin everything by voicing what he wants.

But he’s starting to consider that maybe that isn’t strictly true.

Laying on the couch, he listens to Eddie move around in the kitchen and allows the soft glow inside him to run rampant, lighting up every part of him.

A small smile makes its way across his lips as he hears Eddie curse after burning the toast, and he lets himself actually imagine a future where this could be his life. Where he could wake up every day to the sound of Eddie existing. Moving around in the kitchen, brushing his teeth, taking a shower. Where Buck gets to hear all of those sounds from the comfort of their bed, not the couch, and if he rolls over he can still feel the heat from the side of the bed recently vacated by Eddie. Where Buck joins Eddie in the shower, to conserve water of course, and Eddie laughs at Buck’s transparency. Where Buck makes breakfast while Eddie wakes Christopher up and they enjoy a meal together as a family before all heading out for the day. And Buck is finally a part of, not separate, with his family he made.

He supposes that the last part is sort of his reality right now, but it’s not real. Not really. Buck enjoys his mornings with Eddie and Chris, he does, but they can never change. Never grow. Never be anything different than they are right now. In that way, it’s almost more of a painful reminder of the thing Buck can never have.

Because even if the reality he just envisioned could be real, could be something Eddie wants too, the truth is they’re still stuck in this godforsaken time loop where they both die at the end. They have to get out. Have to end this cycle. And Buck’s fairly certain that means returning to the scene of the crime.

With a renewed sense of purpose, he propels himself off the couch to greet Eddie in the kitchen and begin making pancakes before being asked. He enjoys the look of surprise on Eddie’s face that melts into an undeniable look of fondness and oh how badly Buck wants to just walk over there and kiss him. But, for some reason, that feels like a betrayal to his Eddie that’s waiting for him later this afternoon.

So he practices restraint. And if he lets his gaze linger on Eddie’s ass as he walks out the kitchen door, who can really blame him?

Over breakfast, Buck does some research into ballroom dancing possibilities. While he is determined to figure out how to leave this time loop, he’s also realistic about it taking some time. They’ll need to take a break every few days so it’s not just all elevator trauma all the time. And yeah, he’s eager to ballroom dance with Eddie. He can admit that. He’s admitting all kinds of things lately.

Finding a place he’s certain is both outside the effects of the earthquake while also being within driving distance from the time Eddie wakes up, he feels a sense of accomplishment for the morning. They should be able to get there, pay triple for some extra time in the studio, and dance until the floor crumbles beneath their feet.

He spends the rest of the day eagerly waiting for the afternoon when Eddie wakes up so they can begin mapping out the next few loops and make a real game plan. Besides the ballroom dancing, he wants to broach the idea that they’ve been coming at the elevator situation all wrong. Maybe they both need to be in the elevator, work together, truly trust each other and not just try to die for each other. It’s not quite an entire plan, and he’s not really sure that’s a lesson they need to learn, but who is he to question the universe?

As their Mario Kart game comes to an end (that he somehow managed to lose yet again, seriously?), he hears Eddie stir behind him.

“Finally,” he beams, turning around. “I’ve missed you.”

“He’s been asleep for like 20 minutes, Buck,” Hen says in exasperation, snatching the control out of his hands.

“You two have a serious problem,” Chimney chimes in, rolling his eyes.

Buck ignores them completely, transfixed on Eddie who’s returning his smile and something Buck can’t name seems to pass between them.

He thinks Chim and Hen continue to throw tiny jabs their way, but Buck couldn’t care less, completely absorbed in the bubble he and Eddie have formed around themselves.

“Missed you too,” Eddie says softly, and Buck swears he sees his fingers twitch as if wanting to reach out for Buck. He’s done it before, so Buck doesn’t know why he’s holding back now.

He supposes he did just lay his feelings out on the table and should allow Eddie time. Despite it being hours past for Buck, it was only minutes ago for Eddie. He can give him space to process.

But space to process doesn’t have to mean physical space, so he places his crossed arms in Eddie’s lap and props his head there as he looks up.

“I have some plans we can discuss later,” Buck says, keeping it vague in front of the others.

While seeming slightly taken aback by Buck’s boldness, Eddie doesn’t move away and instead gently places his hands on Buck’s arms.

“Ok, we can talk about it when we get to the building. I feel like we should go today,” he says hesitantly, as if Buck would argue.

“I was thinking the same,” he’s quick to assure him.

“All right, you two are being extra weird today. What is going on with you?” Hen interrupts, pulling them out of the moment.

“Nothing, Hen,” Buck shoots back, turning to face her. “Can’t two friends discuss plans without involving everyone?”

“You know what, I actually don’t care. What I do care about is you doing your punishment. And you can’t have Eddie do everything for you,” she nods between the two of them,

“Who said I was going with him?” Eddie asks.

Hen scoffs.

“Right, ok.”

“We don’t have to do everything together you know.”

Buck wrinkles his eyebrows, not quite able to read Eddie’s tone. Were they not just sharing a moment?

The moment passes as Eddie stands, pulling Buck up with him.

“And yet…” Chimney smirks over at them.

“Come on,” Eddie says, taking Buck by the arm and guiding him over to the stairs that they will never make it down. “Let’s get this over with.”

*

Eddie’s mostly silent on the ride over. Buck glances over a few times to check in with him, but is met with the back of Eddie’s head as he stares out the window.

Space. Right. Buck had decided to give Eddie space and he wasn’t going to push it. At least, not until they were alone to begin discussing plans for upcoming loops.

He bumps his knee gently against Eddie’s, letting him know he’s still here. When he gets a warm smile in return, some of the anxiety that had begun to simmer melts away.

Once they’re at the call, they fall back into their routine with ease and Buck forgets his concerns as he allows his fingers to linger while assisting Eddie with his gear.

“So what are these grand plans of yours?” Eddie asks as soon as they’re alone in the building and making their climb up to the fifteenth floor.

Buck swallows the urge to bring up the kiss again, just happy things are still normal between them. The ball is in Eddie’s court now and Buck just has to allow him to approach it however he needs to.

He launches excitedly into his idea of how maybe the lesson they need to learn is working together better and that’s how they can escape the elevator death trap paradox. And failing that, there’s still other movies on the list so they’ll need to choose another day to return to the “Chim’s Must Watch Time Loop Films For If You’re Ever Stuck In A Time Loop” list. And he’s not letting Eddie off the hook for ballroom dancing.

“I know you said you weren’t sure about the ballroom dancing, but I looked it up and there’s a place that’s just far enough away from the epicenter where I don’t think they’ll have any damage from the earthquake at all AND I think we could get there in time if we leave as soon as you wake up. Maybe we could add it into the loop rotation, do it every third or fourth loop you know-”

Eddie cuts him off, uttering words that cause Buck’s brain to malfunction so hard that he misses the step ahead of him and nearly stumbles off the stairs entirely.

“Why did you sleep with Tommy?” Eddie blurts out.

Buck whips his head around. There’s no way he just heard Eddie correctly. How would Eddie know? Who would have told him? Unless he’s not talking about the post-break up hookup and is just suddenly interested in what Buck saw in Tommy in the first place…Buck’s not quite sure either of them are ready for that conversation.

“Wh-what?” he manages to stutter out, trying to make sense of the dozens of questions zipping around his brain. “What do you mean? Like in general or-”

“When I was in Texas,” Eddie clarifies, leaving no room for confusion on exactly what he’s talking about. As if to make sure, he further adds, “After he broke up with you.”

Buck freezes, his mind thrown into complete chaos. Despite that incident leading Buck to many realizations, it was never something he was ever going to bring up to Eddie. It was humiliating, first of all, for a number of reasons. Second of all, it had felt like a betrayal even though that was utterly ridiculous given it happened while the house was Buck’s and he and Eddie were so far from dating it was laughable. And yet, after Tommy left he had felt worse than he had after kissing Lucy at the bar. And those feelings had nothing to do with Tommy. They never had.

“How…how do you even know about that?” he asks quietly, trying to get a hold of the guilt running rampant inside him right now. He didn’t do anything wrong. Besides maybe using someone to try and fuck away the feelings for his best friend, and Buck knows that’s not the source of his guilt.

Eddie’s head jerks back slightly at Buck’s words, as if Buck just confirmed something horrible.

“Ravi told me,” he says, voice dripping in disappointment.

Buck’s heart sinks, head still spinning. Ravi told Eddie? What business of this was Ravi’s? He’s about to spend the next several loops chasing the man around with a chainsaw again.

But Eddie’s not done yet, and each new word feels like a slap to the face.

“Because apparently that’s something you’re fine confiding in Ravi about, but couldn’t tell me? Your best friend? Did you think I was going to judge you for it?”

“Whoa that’s…not what happened at all,” Buck tries to explain, everything spinning out of control faster than he can process.

How had things gone so wrong so suddenly? He was on cloud nine this morning and now he feels like everything precious he thought he had a tight grip on is suddenly vapor in his hands.

And that’s not Ravi’s fault, it’s Buck’s. Buck’s for not telling Eddie. For not being honest. Except he didn’t even confide in Ravi, never told him what happened after he left the bar that night. The only person Buck had ever told was Maddie. So if that’s what Eddie is mad about…

“We were just out drinking when Tommy came over, it wasn’t like I was out telling Ravi about hooking up with my ex. It was humiliating enough as it is, which is why I never told you and - ” Buck stops, his brain finally catching up and wondering why he’s explaining himself here. “Why are you even bringing this up?”

It doesn’t make sense. He’s been with Eddie for every one of Eddie’s waking moments since he got pulled into the loops. So Ravi must have told him either before the loops began or in a loop before Buck was part of it. So why, after everything they’ve been through, why is now the time Eddie needs to ask about this?

“I don’t know, Buck, because you didn’t!” Eddie snaps, and Buck suddenly realizes this isn’t about Tommy at all. At least, he doesn’t think it is.

“Eddie…what is this really about?” he probes, trying to understand where Eddie is coming from with this accusation.

“It’s not about anything,” Eddie deflects, shackles still clearly raised. “Sorry for bringing it up, just….forget about it.”

He mumbles the last part, clearly trying to move on. And Buck could let it drop, could forget about it, could spend the next several minutes in silence before dying for Eddie, or watching Eddie die for him. But this came from somewhere, and he feels a spark of anger at Eddie bringing it up and then trying to backtrack.

“No, Eddie, I’m not going to forget about it,” he pushes back, surprised by the anger in his voice. “If you want to do this right now, then let’s do this right now. Why would me hooking up with Tommy matter to you, huh? Does it have anything to do with oh I don’t know, you kissing me and then never mentioning it again?”

Buck doesn’t really think about the words before they tumble out of his mouth. For the tiniest moment, he regrets speaking them out loud as he watches Eddie wince and retreat into himself. This is the last conversation he planned on having today, but now that it’s out there, he can’t find it in himself to take it back.

“I’ve been trying to give you space, waiting for you to be ready to talk about it, figured hey we might be stuck here for eternity so you’ll open up when you’re ready! And then last night,” Buck falters, all the hurt flooding in at once and he feels like he might cry. “Last night was…one of my favorite nights ever and I thought you felt it too! That thing we keep dancing around, that thing we keep not saying! And you didn’t retreat in total horror when I told you how I felt so I thought maybe-”

“Well you thought wrong,” Eddie cuts him off.

On this loop, Buck doesn’t die in an elevator. He doesn’t die from a car accident or being shot or having a roof collapse on top of him. Buck dies in a stairway as the life he had dared to hope for is extinguished in front of his eyes.

But if there’s two things in this life that Evan Buckley has mastered the art of, it’s coming back from the dead and never knowing when to move on.

So even though he’s certain his heart has just shattered into a million little pieces that will never fit back together again, he still finds himself propelled forward to reach for Eddie as his name escapes his lips, unbidden.

He learns his heart is capable of breaking one last time as Eddie leans away from his touch.

“They’re going to need us soon Buck, we need to keep moving,” Eddie says cooly, though Buck swears he hears a waver in his voice. But maybe he doesn’t know Eddie as well as he thought he did.

Right on schedule, Buck hears the familiar cries of help and knows Eddie does too.

Reaching the fifteenth floor, Eddie moves swiftly past him, refusing to make eye contact. That’s just as well, because Buck can feel tears stinging his eyes and he refuses to cry here. Not on the job. Even if it’s a job they’ve done before and will do again for all eternity, Buck needs to pull it together.

Moving on auto-pilot, Buck goes through the motions of getting the rig set up for a rescue. Despite the fact that everything they had so carefully constructed over the past several years just came crashing down around them in one conversation, he and Eddie still move like a well-oiled machine.

As Buck begins to make the preparations to go down into the elevator, Eddie grabs the equipment from his hands.

“No, Buck it has to be me,” Eddie says firmly, leaving no room for argument. “If there’s one thing I’m certain about, it’s that I have to be the one who goes in first.”

“But why?” Buck’s anger bursts out of him. Eddie is so full of shit! He tells Buck he doesn’t want him, but still is going to die for him? The least he can do is just allow Buck to put them both out of their misery. Buck was never supposed to be here, never even supposed to exist. His entire life has been a fluke, and while he’s done a lot of unlearning in regards to that belief, in the face of Eddie’s life it comes back in full force.

He grabs Eddie’s arm, daring him to pull away this time. “Why do you think it has to be you? Maybe the reason I’m here in these loops with you is because I’m-”

“No,” Eddie cuts him off immediately. He yanks his arm out of Buck’s grasp and straps himself into the rig smoothly, before Buck can do a damn thing. He positions himself at the lip of the elevator, just as Buck did, and looks at him expectantly.

Buck sighs, allowing Eddie to win this round. He doesn’t have the energy to argue more right now. And he knows he’s not letting this loop be the final one.

While Eddie disappears into the elevator and begins sending up civilians, Buck contemplates his next move. Eddie might have won going into the elevator first, but that doesn’t mean Buck has to sit around waiting for the inevitable aftershock. He’ll proceed with his original plan for this loop, with or without Eddie’s approval.

As soon as he has pulled out the last person and sent them over to Ravi, he jumps into the elevator without a second of hesitation.

Eddie’s glowering stare awaits him.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he practically growls, and Buck really has to ignore how hot that is.

“Trying something different,” he shrugs, knowing he’s being a brat.

Eddie fumes, throwing his hands up in the air.

“Great so now we’ll just both be-”

Eddie doesn’t get to finish his admonishment because right on cue the aftershock hits and sends him flying into Buck’s arms. Without missing a beat, Buck grabs onto Eddie protectively.

The last sensation Buck feels is his back ramming against cold medal. After that, everything fades away into nothing.

All there is is blackness. It feels like all there ever will be is blackness. It’s nice. He thinks he likes it here. But it’s wrong too.

Faintly, far above him, he hears a muffled voice. He thinks the voice is saying his name, though it sounds like it’s coming from underwater. Wait, no. The voice isn’t underwater. He’s underwater.

Dazed, he fights to make it to the surface, to try and figure out what the voice is saying.

Minutes or hours or perhaps even days later, Buck breaks through and finally hears the familiar voice calling his name.

“Can you hear me?” Eddie asks, sounding panicked.

Eddie. Eddie’s voice. Eddie shouldn’t panic. Buck is fine.

“Mmmm fine,” he gets out, trying to assure the man on top of him. As some awareness slowly returns, he realizes he can’t feel his legs. He thinks maybe he says that out loud.

The warmth that had been enveloping his upper body is suddenly gone. Why is it gone? He frowns. He wants the warmth to come back.

He lets out a small cough, causing his throat to burn, and suddenly tastes copper.

Instantly, he’s transported back to the last time he had blood on his lips. This time, thankfully, it’s his own. At least, he’s pretty sure it is.

He’s not sure when his eyes closed. Maybe they’ve never been open. He’s ready to sink back underneath the water, but he hears a small sob come from Eddie. It’s a terrible sound. Eddie should never be sad.

Buck hopes Eddie isn’t worried about him. He’s fine, just needs to rest. Who needs legs anyway?

“Mmm-ok Eds,” he whispers, feeling the water coming to claim him. “Just…just resting my eyes.”

As he sinks beneath the waves, he thinks he hears the voice continuing to cry out his name.

————-
TIME LOOP - 5

When Buck gasps awake this time, it takes several large gulps of air to convince himself he’s not drowning.

As his senses slowly return, he realizes he was never drowning. Just dying. Just slowly sinking into death’s arms. In his experience, it’s usually faster than that. More sudden. Colder.

He gives an experimental kick. Ok, so not paralyzed from a spinal cord injury.

Breathing a sigh of relief, he swings his legs onto the floor, enjoying the sensation of the carpet beneath his feet.

From the kitchen comes Eddie’s typical curse as he burns the toast and everything in Buck runs cold as the rest of the loop slams back into him.

Right.

Eddie who doesn’t want him.

How everything has changed since waking up on the couch yesterday and imagining a future with Eddie was something he could be allowed to have.

Idiot

He groans and shoves a pillow over his face.

How is he meant to face an eternity of dying with Eddie after that disaster?

Actually, the dying part is easy. It’s the lead up to it, the way he’s going to have to pretend to the Eddie in the kitchen that he hasn’t just broken Buck’s heart. Play pretend in this house and know that’s all it will ever be. Then worse will come in the afternoon when he has to face his Eddie and figure out how the fuck they move on from here. Maybe Eddie doesn’t want to. Maybe Eddie would prefer to never see Buck again.

He can feel himself spiraling, going to the worst places in his mind. What he wouldn’t give to be able to talk to Maddie right now.

Oh!

He can talk to Maddie.

Without too much thought, he hops off the couch, throws on a fresh shirt and pants, and grabs his keys from the door.

“Going to Maddie’s, see you later!” he calls quickly, not wanting to have to interact with burnt toast Eddie today.

“Wha- Buck! We have work!” he hears Eddie shout back before he’s closed and locked the door behind him.

A sense of calm washes over him as he makes the familiar drive to Maddie’s. With how crazy everything has been, he hasn’t had time to stop and think about how the time loop has caused him to go days without Maddie. He realizes how much he’s missed her and a glimmer of excitement manages to join the mix of emotions he’s felt since waking up.

When she answers the door, she doesn’t seem surprised at all.

“Would you like to text Eddie that you made it here safely, or should I?” she asks as he steps through the door.

Buck can’t bring himself to care, wrapping Maddie tight in his arms the moment she’s shut the door behind him.

Making a sound of surprise, she returns the hug immediately. He can feel the concern in her voice as she asks him if he’s alright.

Unable to bring himself to lie right now, he just shakes his head, feeling like a small child as she pulls him in tighter.

When they break apart, Buck feels a tear slip down his cheek and brushes it away quickly. Reaching up, Maddie gently cups his face, giving him a look so reminiscent of the times she would find Buck crying in his room when they were kids, that he almost breaks down entirely.

“Oh Buck, what’s going on?” she asks gently, wiping away another stray tear.

“Just missed you,” he says with a wet smile, and that’s true enough.

“Missed me?” she asks in bewilderment. “Buck, we saw each other last night when you babysat Jee. Or did you forget about that?”

“Jee!” Buck cries out in delight, realizing he also has missed his favorite little girl in the world. He looks around. “Where is she, is she up yet?”

“She’s still sleeping since I have a few more hours before my shift starts,” Maddie explains, still looking at him in concern as they make their way to the living room. “Buck, would you like to explain what’s really going on?”

There’s a small ping on her phone.

“And for the love of god please text Eddie so he can stop texting me every five minutes,” she sighs, turning off her notifications.

Buck groans, closing his eyes and throwing his head back on the couch.

“That bad, huh?”

“I’m in a time loop, Maddie,” he states, ripping the bandaid off. He wants to get past this next part quickly so he can get to the advice part of their conversation, then leave before anything bad can happen to his sister.

“A - what?” Maddie pulls up short, looking at Buck like he’s lost his mind.

“Yes, you heard me correctly. A time loop. It’s ok if you don’t believe me, I mostly just need you to have the context so I can ask you for advice,” he says, somewhat exasperated, though it’s not really aimed at Maddie.

“Okaaaay,” Maddie draws out, clearly not believing him at all. “I’ll play along. What advice do you need? If you’re going to ask me questions about time loops, I think you’d have better luck going to work and talking to Chimney.”

Buck’s shaking his head before she even finishes.

“I’ve already talked to Chim, a couple loops ago now. This isn’t…it isn’t about the time loop itself.”

“Then what’s it about?”

While clearly still confused, the way she asks isn’t judgemental. It gives Buck the encouragement he needs to continue.

“Do you remember when I slept with Tommy?”

Maddie’s eyes widen in surprise, but she nods.

“And do you remember what you told me after?” he’s looking at her, begging her to finish this thought for him so he doesn’t have to say it out loud.

“I told you a lot of stuff after, you’re going to have to be more specific.”

Buck groans.

“What you said when…when I said that Tommy thinks I’m in love with Eddie.”

He watches the realization dawn in her eyes, then instantly soften.

“I said it wouldn’t be so crazy,” she repeats, somehow even kinder and more gentle than the first time.

“Well, you were right,” Buck groans, covering his face.

“Oh Buck,” Maddie breathes out, scooting closer and rubbing soothing circles on his back. “Is it really so bad?”

“Loving Eddie?” Buck asks, thinking for only a moment before shaking his head. “No, loving Eddie is easy. The easiest thing in the world. And I was fine doing it quietly. Never telling him. Just having him and Chris in my life was enough.”

“Buck,” Maddie says his name again, and he ignores the pity he hears in her voice.

“But then…then he kissed me,” he hears the gasp Maddie tries to swallow as her hand freezes momentarily. “And we didn’t talk about it. Just continued as we always do, but there were…were moments where I swear he felt what I felt. Wanted what I wanted. And I let myself think that maybe I would get to love him forever.”

“And now you think he doesn’t?” Maddie prompts.

“Now I know he doesn’t,” Buck says bitterly. Then thinks back to the stairway, how Eddie had thrown Tommy in his face. How it had come out of nowhere. How it didn’t even make sense that Eddie would be upset by that in the first place. “Or at least I think so. I don’t know, it’s all so confusing.”

“Well what did Eddie say exactly to make you think that? Because I’ve had one very concerned firefighter blowing up my phone for the past 30 minutes wondering why you left the house in such a hurry,” Maddie says, waving her phone in his face.

Buck shakes his head.

“That doesn’t mean anything, that’s not the Eddie who said all those things. Not the one that kissed me.”

Maddie furrows her brow.

“Are we back to the time loop thing?”

Nodding, Buck explains how Eddie starts his loop in the afternoon, so the Eddie who has been texting Maddie has no idea about anything going on between them.

“Right but,” Maddie says carefully, trying to go along with the crazy coming out of Buck’s mouth. “It’s still Eddie.”

“But this Eddie doesn’t know how I feel, hasn’t had to reject me yet. He doesn’t really…count,” Buck finishes lamely, not sure how to explain it.

Maddie fixes him with her signature look, the one that says she knows better than him.

“I’m still playing catch up here, but didn’t you say he kissed you?”

He sighs again.

“Yeah, but he thought we were going to die, so it was probably just adrenaline or the concussion,” he explains dismissively.

“Die?” Maddie asks, clearly taken aback and voice laced with concern.

“Yeah there’s an earthquake later today and we die on a call. It’s part of the time loop thing, don’t worry about it,” Buck waves his hand.

“Feel like I should worry about it, but ok,” Maddie allows, rubbing her temple. “Eddie kissed you as you were dying?”

“Yes. I wasn’t part of the time loop then, so he thought I was going to forget it I guess,” Buck shrugs.

“I have…lots of questions,” Maddie shakes her head, trying to wrap her head around everything Buck is dumping on her. “You’re saying Eddie kissed you when he thought you wouldn’t remember?”

Buck nods in confirmation.

“Buck…” and he hates the way she says his name, as if he’s being stupid. “Why do you think he would do that? And don’t say because you were going to die or because he had a concussion.”

“But he did Maddie! It’s the only explanation!”

“The only one?” she places her hand on his arm, giving him a squeeze. “You’re smarter than that, Buck. If Eddie kissed you, it’s because he wanted to.”

Buck feels himself blush and is regretting coming over here at all.

“Yeah well, it doesn’t matter. I told him how I felt and he said he didn’t feel the same,” he feels himself pouting, knows it's childish but can’t stop. “After he threw the Tommy incident in my face out of absolutely nowhere-”

“Wait, you told him about Tommy?” Maddie’s back to staring at him with wide eyes. “Why would you do that?”

“Trust me, it was not my idea to tell him,” he grumbles. “Apparently Ravi told him at some point and I guess he’s been holding onto that one for a while because he brought it up completely out of the blue -”

Maddie cuts him off again.

“So Eddie is the one who brought up the Tommy thing first? He kissed you and then brought up you hooking up with Tommy?”

He can only describe the look Maddie is giving him as dubious.

“They weren’t exactly linked events,” Buck corrects her. “The kiss was a while ago now. Things were actually going well after that, besides, you know, the dying thing. We just didn’t really talk about the kiss at all, until he asked if I had any theories on why I joined the time loop when I did and I told him it was because he kissed me. Next thing I know, he’s asking me why I slept with Tommy.”

Maddie’s eyes are as wide as saucers now.

“Ok so…a few follow ups,” Maddie adjusts her position on the couch and Buck knows he’s in for it. “First, so when you said you told him how you felt…did you mean telling him his kiss put you in a time loop?”

“Well it was a little more romantic than that,” Buck tries to defend himself, the clarity of the statement seeming less so with the derision in Maddie’s posing of the question.

“Right so that’s not a declaration of love, so if that’s all you did then I would say your feelings for him have not been made clear,” Maddie continues talking, ignoring Buck’s mouth opening in argument. “Furthermore, you sort of told him how you feel and then he brings up the Tommy situation? And you think that means he doesn’t return your feelings?”

Buck groans again, a million things going through his head.

“Ugh Maddie I don’t know! I mean…I did get the sense during the conversation that he wasn’t really upset about me not telling him about Tommy but-”

Maddie stops him with a look.

“But?”

“But…it’s just all been really complicated ok?”

“Maybe,” Maddie says gently, like she’s scared to spook him. “But I’ve watched you and Eddie for years now. I don’t know what this time loop nonsense you’re talking about is, but I know the two of you. And I don’t think it’s complicated at all.”

She pats his arm, getting up to make them some drinks, and Buck is left on the couch to think about her words.

Maddie knows him. Up until he met Eddie, he thought she might be the only person in the entire world who could ever understand him. And she wouldn’t just tell Buck what he wants to hear, not with this, not when it was something that would hurt him in the long run. So she must see something that Buck has somehow missed.

Removing his hurt feelings from the equation, he plays back the conversation with Eddie on the stairwell. He sees Eddie’s defense mechanisms come up, sees the way he doubles down and then tries to retreat until Buck kept pushing. Buck had seen it in the moment, thought Eddie might be pushing him away because he was scared. Buck remembers the feeling well.

Then his insecurities had taken over and he stopped being able to see beyond his own feelings.

He needs to talk to Eddie, he knows he does. Maddie has reignited a spark of hope in his chest that maybe all is not lost, but he wishes he could just know. Could just get a straight answer out of Eddie without all the bullshit of dying and being in a time loop getting mixed up in it. Because every time they’re on the verge of a breakthrough, every time it feels like maybe their conversation is moving in a direction that would grant them both clarity, that’s exactly when the universe decides to step in and start everything over.

And Buck knows what Eddie’s trying to do. He’s not stupid. It’s the same thing Buck has been trying to do. They’re both determined to make sure the other one survives the elevator. And attempting to have a real talk about their feelings with that hanging over them is agonizing.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Maddie’s phone light up with the face of the man Buck spends every waking second thinking about.

Maddie’s words from earlier play through his head like a ringtone Right but, it’s still Eddie.

It’s still Eddie.

A light switch flips in Buck, and suddenly he knows exactly what to do.

Maddie comes back in, steaming mugs in hand, but Buck is already off the couch and shoving his keys in his pocket.

He kisses her on the cheek and she makes a sound of surprise.

“Maddie, you’re amazing!” he declares, grabbing his cup of coffee from her hands.

“Well thank you, but it’s just coffee, Buck,” she laughs, trying to catch up to his change in mood.

“No, for everything. You’re the best big sister anyone could ever ask for, and you’re not going to remember that I told you this!” He’s backing towards the door, itching to be behind the wheel of his car already. “But I promise as soon as I break out of this time loop I’ll tell you every day.”

Maddie’s hand is on her hip, looking at him in fond exasperation.

“Don’t think this gets you out of returning my mug, Chim got that for me,” she tells him as he walks outside.

“Time loop, Maddie, time loop,” he grins. “It’ll be like I never had it.”

As the door shuts behind him, he yanks it back open. Popping his head around the frame, he finds Maddie still standing there, bemused.

“Oh and Maddie, can you text Eddie that I’m coming home.”

“Sure can,” she says in pure delight, and Buck’s not sure he likes the glimmer in her eye that he catches as he closes the door for a final time.

He’ll apologize to Athena later for the several traffic laws he violates on his drive home, but he thinks pleading a case of life or death would get him off on light charges.

As he pulls onto South Bedford Street, doubt starts to creep in. He shakes it away.

When he pulls into the driveway, there’s no hesitation in his movements. He’s on the porch and opening the front door within seconds, striding in and stopping for only a moment to locate Eddie.

“Buck?”

He hears his name being called from the kitchen. Of course it’s the kitchen.

When he enters the room, he finds a frantic Eddie there, hair slightly disheveled from running his fingers through it nervously. Something stirs in Buck at the idea that he was able to elicit this response in the man.

It gives him just that little extra shot of cocky confidence he needs.

“What the hell was that, I was worried there was something seriously wron-”

“I fucked Tommy.”

His words land like a bomb, having the intended effect of stunning Eddie into complete silence.

Buck lets the statement sit between them, almost laughing at the way Eddie’s face contorts as he tries to figure out a response.

“Like…like just now?” Eddie asks hesitantly, a flash of something in his eyes Buck can’t quite place.

“Just…” It's Buck’s turn to be taken aback. “Just now? You think I just left the house, fucked Tommy, and came back all in under an hour?”

Eddie throws his hands in the air.

“I don’t know! Because otherwise yeah you dated him for six months, I kinda figured-”

Buck cuts him off.

“Not when we were dating. It was a few months ago. When you left.”

“Ok that’s…ok,” Eddie fumbles over his words, looking uncomfortable. “Why are you telling me this?”

Buck thinks he hears a hint of pain in his voice, and the spark of hope ignited at Maddie’s becomes a little brighter.

“Because I did it here, in this house,” as he speaks, he slowly moves across the kitchen, drawing closer to Eddie with every punctuated word.

“Ok,” Eddie replies, trying to keep his voice measured. Cool and collected as always. But Buck can hear the cracks, can see it in his eyes. Finally places the flash he saw in his eyes a minute ago. As Buck’s words sink in, there’s an unmistakable look of hurt he’s trying desperately to hide.

He almost hesitates, almost pulls back, because he never wants to hurt Eddie. But they’re both going to keep hurting each other if Buck doesn’t push the issue now.

“And how does that make you feel?” he prompts, begging Eddie to let his emotions fly. To show Buck the truth.

“How does that-” Eddie looks aghast, utterly defenseless at this attack Buck has launched out of nowhere. “What are we talking about here Buck?”

Buck sees the mask trying to come back up, sees Eddie reach for nonchalance as he slowly backs up with every step Buck takes toward him.

“We’re talking about how I fucked my ex in your bedroom,” Buck states. Eddie’s back hits the counter and a small gasp escapes. Whether from the words or the sudden stop, Buck couldn’t say. “Because I couldn’t sleep in this house alone after you left.”

Buck punctuates his final declaration by placing both hands on the counter on either side of Eddie.

They’re so close now, Eddie’s hot breath coming out in quick bursts against Buck’s face as he leans in.

“And I’m asking you how that makes you feel,” he whispers, breaking eye contact for the first time as he lets his gaze drop to Eddie’s lips, which are still parted in shock. There’s no pretense anymore, no hiding exactly what he wants.

Eddie sucks in his breath, and Buck looks back up to meet his heated gaze.

“You want to know how I feel?” Eddie gets out, anger causing his voice to come out in a growl and Buck has to swallow back a moan.

“Yes, Eddie I-”

He’s once again cut off by Eddie grabbing him by the shirt and pulling him in for a searing kiss.

All thoughts leave Buck’s brain. All there is now is Eddie Eddie Eddie.

It’s so different from their first kiss, where Eddie was bleeding out and both of them were covered in debris, and Buck had to be so careful. This time, Buck can feel how smooth Eddie’s lips are as they press against his own, tastes the coffee on his breath and then his tongue as his mouth opens for Buck. Eddie moans, pulling Buck against him tighter with one hand as the other slides up into Buck’s curls.

That activates something in him and he finds himself grabbing Eddie’s waist to shove him up onto the counter so he has a better angle to deepen the kiss. He thinks he might knock over a plate containing Eddie’s burnt toast. He knows he doesn’t care. Because without missing a beat, Eddie wraps his legs around Buck’s waist and lets go of his shirt entirely so he’s now running both hands through Buck’s hair to yank him closer.

It’s Buck’s turn to moan and Eddie takes the opportunity to lick into his mouth and Buck’s legs almost go out beneath him. Holy fuck.

Eddie pulls away and Buck whines, missing the warmth of his mouth immediately, but Eddie quickly attaches himself to Buck’s jaw, kissing up his jawline until he gets to his ear and whispers, “You let him fuck you in our house?”

Buck’s entire body shivers and he falls into Eddie’s neck, breathing against it.

“Only because I missed you so much it felt like I was dying every day trying to exist with you haunting every corner of this house,” Buck breathes out, struggling as Eddie bites and kisses his ear. He’s grabbed Buck’s face, and with each word Eddie works his way across until he reaches his other ear and begins to suck behind it. Buck thinks he dies and comes back to life with every touch.

“You’re mine,” Eddie states before capturing Buck’s lips in another kiss.

Buck melts into it, only breaking away to whisper against Eddie’s lips, “And you’re mine. Every version of you.”

He could stay locked in this embrace, in this kitchen, for the rest of eternity. But he knows he can’t. Knows he needs to stop this before it goes too far. They’ve both got somewhere to be today.

He manages to break away from Eddie’s mouth, but when he whines Buck gives in and begins kissing down Eddie’s jaw until he reaches his neck.

“You”

Kiss

“have”

Bite

“to go”

Lick

“to work,” he manages to get out between worshiping Eddie’s skin.

He feels Eddie laugh.

“You have to be shitting me, I’m not going to work now,” Eddie says, pulling gently at Buck’s hair and driving him absolutely insane. “Not least of all because you just gave me a hickey and I’m not trying to explain that to everyone today.”

“Oh shit,” Buck gasps, pulling away. Oh that is not good. “I have makeup for exactly this kind of situation, we can cover it up.”

“Buck,” Eddie groans, looking him in the eye. “I am not going to work after the hottest makeout session of my life with my best friend. We’re already so late, we can just call out and stay home all day.”

He says the last part suggestively, trailing his fingers up Buck’s arm.

At the reminder that they’re already running late to work, Buck is suddenly met with images of all the gruesome ways they’ve died when calling out before. With great difficulty, he pulls himself away from Eddie and shakes his head.

“No, we have to go to work today,” he says firmly. “It’s important.”

He almost crumbles instantly taking in the state of Eddie, sitting on the counter completely ravished and looking for all the world like he can’t understand why his legs aren’t still wrapped around Buck.

“Buck, don’t be ridiculous,” Eddie says, reaching for him. He drops his hands as something seems to dawn on him. “Unless…you’re regretting-”

“No! No,” Buck rushes to say, wanting to reassure Eddie before that thought can even fully form. “It just…I want this to work and blowing off work to hook up wouldn’t set a great precedent right?”

Eddie slowly shakes his head. Buck breathes a sigh of relief that he bought that because he was really just pulling that out of his ass.

“We do need to do something about that hickey though, because I am not ready for everyone to be up in our business yet,” Buck says, staring at the mark on Eddie’s neck that is slowly turning red.

Laughing, Eddie hops off the counter and gives him a quick kiss.

“A problem we wouldn’t have to worry about if we just called out, but I get your point. Now help me cover this up you leech.”

Eddie takes his hand and it’s all Buck can do not to yank him back against the counter and change his mind.

After a few failed attempts to get ready (getting on Eddie’s lap to apply foundation to his hickey was definitely a mistake), they’re finally out the door and on their way to work. They don’t say much on the drive, but Eddie’s hand remains in his the entire time and Buck thinks the way he’s glowing could be seen from space.

As they pull up to the station and Eddie hops out of the Jeep, Buck makes a decision.

“Hey um I think…I think I’m going to keep driving around for a bit, but you go ahead and head in,” Buck tells him.

Eddie opens his mouth to argue, offended that Buck would just leave him like this after their morning, but Buck continues.

“I just…I need to think ok? And it’s not bad and I don’t regret a single thing, it’s just something I need to do. Tell the others I wasn’t feeling well and stayed home, that’s why you were late,” Buck smiles and hopes Eddie doesn’t put up too much of a fight.

Eddie hesitates, clearly wanting to jump back in the car. After a few moments, he nods reluctantly.

“Ok. But I’ll see you back home tonight?” There’s a hesitation in his question and all Buck wants to do is pull him back into the car and reassure him. With a pang, he realizes he’ll never see this Eddie again. Neither of them will make it home tonight.

He forces himself to nod.

Eddie accepts that, leaning into the car for one last quick kiss before closing the door and jogging into the station.

As he drives off, he tries to begin digesting the last several hours.

So he’s pretty certain his feelings are reciprocated and it’s not just all in his head.

He thinks Maddie would smack him upside the head if he tried to tell her that after everything that just happened.

Some guilt begins to creep in when he thinks about his Time Loop Eddie. Was it a betrayal to pursue something with the morning version of himself who wouldn’t remember? Who didn’t have the full story of everything that had passed between Buck and Eddie in the loops? Would Eddie be upset that a different version of himself revealed the feelings he had been trying so hard to hide from Buck?

Buck sighs. There’s not really an ethics guide on how to navigate interacting with two versions of the same person while trapped in a time loop where you both keep dying. But as Maddie had pointed out this morning, the Eddie he just dropped off at the station is still Eddie. He’s just an Eddie who doesn’t have to take on the weight of saving Buck from himself.

Because Buck is almost certain that’s what Eddie is doing. The loop where Buck had jumped into the elevator with him, Eddie had said he had never told Buck because that’s exactly what he knew Buck would do. The words Eddie had hurled at him in frustration during the first go round Buck can remember play through his mind: It is entirely within your power to not jump into this elevator and die with me, but no matter what I say or do you insist on being here and I always watch you die and it is utterly unbearable, Buck!

And it still doesn’t make any sense to Buck at all.

Of course he understands that Eddie doesn’t want Buck to die and would do everything within his power to try to save him. That’s what they do, what all the 118 would do for each other.

But if one of them has to die, if one of them has to pay that toll, why would Eddie ever think that Buck would allow it to be Eddie? Why would he think Buck could continue existing without Eddie in the world, knowing he’s only alive because Eddie isn’t? He already has a life debt weighing on his soul, knows he’s only alive because his big brother was deathly ill and Buck was a hail mary that failed. He knows he couldn’t bear another. And mostly certainly not Eddie.

Eddie has Christopher. It should stop and end right there. Buck is the back-up plan, not the answer.

And he’s not even entirely certain that if he loses Eddie at the end of all this that he will be fit to take care of himself, let alone Chris. He would try of course, fight every day for that kid to have the best possible life because it’s what he deserves. And isn’t that what Buck’s doing? Fighting for Christopher to have the best possible life - the one that includes Eddie?

He’s sort of pissed at Eddie for even asking that of him. For daring to fight for Buck’s life when they both know Eddie should be the one to make it home.

Well he’s not going to let him. If he has to spend eternity figuring out how to save Eddie Diaz, then so be it.

Losing track of the day completely, he doesn’t even realize what time it is until his phone dings and he looks down to see a text from Eddie. With just one word, he knows his Eddie has woken up on the couch at the 118: Seriously?

He stares at the text for a beat, discovering he’s nervous to answer. He feels like he’s been through so much since they parted on the last loop, but Eddie is still fresh off their fight. He types, untypes, and re-types several responses, none of them seeming right. Ultimately, he’s unsure if the text is about the hickey or Buck not being there when Eddie woke up, so he just sends back a noncommittal “¯\_(ツ)_/¯”.

Eddie responds back almost immediately with: Cool. Glad you’re alive.

If Buck couldn’t already tell, the addition of the thumbs up emoji would have been all he needed to know that yeah, Eddie was pissed. He had been there when Chris had taught him the thumbs up emoji was considered passive aggressive with the kids now. Buck had laughed at Eddie’s bewildered face as he questioned how a thumbs up signal was anything other than positive and Chris had sighed loudly, explaining it “just was.”

He stares at the text exchange, realizing his answer was also a little passive aggressive. Scratch that, very passive aggressive. He finds he’s still a little pissed too, from Eddie’s rejection and at the realization he rejected him all in an effort to save him. Completely counterintuitive if you asked him.

Buck hadn’t meant to stay away to punish Eddie, though he does get a bit of satisfaction out of knowing it annoyed him. He’s not actually sure what his plan was for this loop. It’s been nice just listlessly driving around LA, being alone to untangle his thoughts. But as the earth begins to shake under him, he knows time is running out.

He could wait to die some other way, start the loop over, go to Eddie at the station tomorrow and have an honest conversation with him then. It would give Buck more time to think, contemplate how he wants to approach everything.

But he can’t stomach the mere thought of Eddie dying alone for even one loop. Eddie dying thinking Buck is mad at him or that his rejection somehow worked and he now gets to die guilt free. Not today.

Not ever.

There’s also the chance that Eddie is right and the way to break the loop is for Buck to not be there, for Eddie to actually die permanently with no do-overs.

Without another thought, he begins driving straight to the doomed building. He would never make it back to the fire station in time to leave with them, but he can meet them there and talk his way into being allowed to work today.

As he’s driving, his phone lights up with a call from Maddie. That’s different.

“Hi Maddie -”

“Buck, are you ok? How the fuck did you know there was going to be an earthquake today?”

She sounds like she’s just barely keeping it together and oh. Right. This is the first loop he’s ever told Maddie about the earthquake.

Not only that, but he had also mentioned dying in said earthquake.

Oops.

“Maddie, I’m fine,” he tries to assure her. “I’m not even at work right now. I decided to take a loop off.”

No need to tell her he was on his way there now.

“That wasn’t all just some weird way for you to ask me for advice about Eddie? That was actually real?”

“Yes, Maddie, that was real!” he says in exasperation. “Why would I pretend I was in a time loop just to ask you about my feelings for Eddie?”

“I don’t know, why are you in a time loop?” she shoots back.

“Why indeed,” he mumbles in response. He’s pulling up to the scene now, can hear the chaos up ahead. “Maddie I gotta go. Love you!”

“Buck, why do I hear sirens-”

Buck hangs up, feeling bad, but he’s already running late and he needs to make it to that elevator.

He makes a beeline for the engine, knowing exactly where they keep the spare equipment.

Halfway through putting on his gear, he hears Bobby’s voice ring out behind him.

“And what exactly do you think you’re doing?”

Shit.

He grimaces, turning to face Bobby and giving his best pleading look that usually makes Bobby give-in. Usually.

“Was feeling better, figured you’d need all hands on deck today,” he tries, zipping up his jacket.

“Buck, you can’t just show up at an emergency after calling out-” Bobby says in exasperation.

“You need me, ok? I’m fine, I swear! It’s not like I’m on probation or anything right?” He’s done getting ready now and is bouncing on the balls of his feet, waiting for Bobby to give him the all clear before he rushes in. In reality, he’s going in either way and he won’t have to face the consequences of disobeying orders, but he’d still rather not directly go against Bobby if he doesn’t have to.

Bobby looks him up and down, then sighs.

“You’re really not sick?”

“I’m really not sick. Just a migraine, slept it off,” he swears.

Bobby looks into the building, then nods reluctantly.

“Ok, go. Ravi and Eddie just found a group of survivors stuck in an elevator and they’re going to need hel-”

“Got it!” Buck calls, taking off.

He makes his way skillfully to the tried and true path he has climbed with Eddie multiple times now. Sprinting up the stairs, he doesn't bother even hooking up his harness to anything or taking any safety precautions. It would give Bobby a heart attack to see him like this, but Buck knows how little time he has before that first aftershock sends a pole through Eddie.

No time at all, apparently.

Just before he reaches the final floor, the building shakes around him and he leaps to grip onto the railing, hoping it doesn’t give out on him. As everything settles, Buck races to the elevator.

He sees the group of survivors first, many of them crouched on the ground from the aftershock. He spots Ravi, leaning over the elevator shaft and looking desperate. Buck’s heart races and he sprints over.

“And tell Buck-” he hears Eddie’s voice coming from down below, calling up to Ravi to share his last wishes.

Because he does think this is his last loop. He does think that by not having Buck here he’s broken the cycle and he’s just going to die now without ever having to face Buck.

Jerk.

“Tell me what?” he calls, not able to stand Eddie thinking Buck really abandoned him for a moment longer. Ravi’s head whips around at the sound of his voice.

“Buck wha-” Ravi begins to ask, confusion etching his face but also clearly relieved at his arrival. To not have to face Eddie’s imminent death on his own.

That is until he realizes that Buck has already smoothly unclipped him from the rig and is gearing up to go down instead.

“No way, you are not-” Ravi begins to argue, reaching for the clip. Buck grabs his hand, forcing Ravi to meet his gaze. He needs to understand there’s not a world where he wins this argument.

“Ravi, get everyone here downstairs to safety. I’ve got Eddie,” he says firmly.

Ravi wants to argue, wants to push back, but Buck watches his eyes dart down to Eddie then back to Buck and sees the resignation there as they meet again.

“Don’t do anything stupid. I’m coming back with help as soon as I can,” Ravi says, squeezing Buck’s arm.

Buck gives a swift nod, knowing Ravi will never make it back to them in time, then turns all of his attention to Eddie. Faintly, he can hear Ravi corralling all the civilians over to the stairwell to begin their descent to the ground. To a safety Buck will never know.

He sticks his face over the side of the elevator so he can see Eddie for himself. He holds back a grimace. Yep, just as bad as ever.

“Were you really planning on never seeing me again?” he calls down, lowering himself into the elevator.

Hearing Eddie groan at his presence, he can’t help but smile despite the circumstances. Foiled your plan Diaz, you’re not dying today.

“What are you doing here, Buck?” Eddie manages to grit through his teeth.

Buck just meets his glare with a grin as he nears the bottom.

“Couldn’t let you die without me now could I?” Buck answers with another question, landing in the elevator and unhooking himself. He steps closer to Eddie, not even bothering with his injury right now. The familiar ache in his chest is all consuming and he finds he still has the capacity to miss Eddie so much, even when he’s just seen him.

Unable to stop himself, he reaches out and cups Eddie’s cheek.

“Just in case this one sticks,” he whispers, as all the answer Eddie could ever need. He won’t be getting rid of Buck that easy.

“That was kinda the point,” Eddie grunts, his eyes locked on Buck’s.

“Oh, I know,” Buck snorts, drinking in Eddie’s face and brushing his thumb against his cheek once before dropping his hand in order to finally tend to Eddie’s wound. “You’re not as slick as you think you are.”

Eddie watches him closely for a moment as he tries to stop the bleeding.

“Where have you been?” he asks, more as an accusation.

“Oh, just…testing a theory,” Buck says vaguely, purposefully avoiding Eddie’s eyes now.

“Care to elaborate?” Eddie prompts, clearly holding back frustration at Buck’s obvious vagueness.

“Mmm not particularly,” he hums, finally stopping the bleeding around the wound. It’s far from a permanent solution, but nothing in their life is permanent at present. “Maybe later. You’re dying, there’s higher priorities.”

“Yeah, kind of always dying,” Eddie says in irritation. “Answer the question.”

“Do you remember our conversation from this morning?” Buck asks, already knowing the answer. He fidgets with the dressing he’s been able to apply to the outer wound, unable to meet Eddie’s eyes at present. The protective layer of tension they’ve avoided poking holes in for longer than he can remember threatens to burst the moment he looks into his best friend's warm gaze.

Eddie sighs.

“You know my loop doesn’t start until later, Buck. No, I don’t remember.”

“Ok, just checking,” he responds, looking around uselessly for a magical solve that might have appeared since the last time they were here. There’s none to be found, of course.

“And you’re not going to elaborate?”

“Mmmmm no, not right now,” Buck says noncommittally. And he knows he’s being annoying, knows he should just tell Eddie. But Eddie hasn’t exactly been being honest with him either.

“Ok well that’s just great,” Eddie says, completely fed up with Buck. “Thanks for that stunning clarification.”

“As if you’re the pillar of honesty and open communication,” he lets slip, finally looking up at Eddie as his own irritation flares. No matter how much he knows everything will reset, the desperation to get Eddie out of this builds up again against all rationale.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Eddie whips back, his defenses coming up. Buck sees it in the way his shoulders hunch ever so slightly, even at this angle, in the way his head tilts back, in the extra bite in his voice.

“It means…” he hesitates, unsure if he wants to open this particular can of worms. But what do they have to lose at this point?

His hands have fallen away from where he has been trying in vain to help Eddie, a distraction from the real hurt between them. Looking at Eddie, he sees in his eyes that he wants Buck to stop. To not say what he’s about to. But they can’t keep avoiding the topic. It’s literally killing them. So taking a tiny breath, he continues.

“It means you like to keep all your feelings locked away, and I let you!” he bursts out, anger spilling over. “Because I know you, and I don’t want to push, and I don’t want to make it weird, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship! But why won’t you just admit that I’m not the only one who feels this!”

Eddie looks like he’s been smacked for all of five seconds before something shifts in his expression and Buck knows to brace for impact.

“What, so we should all just go throwing our hearts around outside our bodies like you do? ‘Abandoned, looking for a good home, anyone will do’ sign out front? No thanks, Buck, I’m fine with things just as they are.”

He had asked for that, had pushed, had known he was backing Eddie into a corner. But that doesn’t mean the words don’t sting on impact. He feels himself rock back a step, trying to distance himself from the hurtful words.

“Fine? Eddie, none of this is fine!” he exclaims, voice rising as he gestures at the broken elevator all around them. “And pretending it is doesn’t change the truth we both keep hurting each other trying to ignore! Pretending like I wasn’t dying on the inside when you left, like I could bear to sleep in that house without you, led me straight back to my shitty ex just so I could find a way to sleep with you gone! Which was such a mistake-”

“Buck, I don’t want to hear about Tommy!” Eddie cuts him off, voice rising to match his. “I don’t want to hear about how me leaving to be with my son was killing you, because it hurt me just as much as it hurt you! It killed me to leave you-”

“Is that so hard to say?” Buck cuts him off, abandoning Eddie’s wound entirely and instead getting up close to the man’s face. “I don’t know how you feel Eddie, you won’t tell me! You just let everything build up inside until it manifests in panic attacks and taking a bat to your walls-”

“Don’t throw that in my face, Buck!” Eddie comes back, angry now. “And don’t act like you don’t repress your feelings too. Acting like you were fine after the lightning strike when it clearly did so much of a number on you that you started dating a death doula! Or continuing to live in Abby’s house when she had obviously moved on. Hell, moving into my house and then…wait did you fuck Tommy Fucking Kinnard in our house? Because you missed me?”

A look of disgust and horror passes over Eddie’s face as he finally puts those pieces together.

“I moved in to help you! Tommy-” is all the response Buck can come up with in the face of the rapid barrage being hurled at him. Before he can even begin to explain and defend the Tommy of it all (he was so sick to death of talking about that man), Eddie quickly moves on to the next point of his argument.

“You don’t deal with your emotions, you just ignore reality and hope everyone else will ignore it with you! How’s that working out?”

Eddie says the last part as a scoff, challenging Buck.

Buck just shakes his head, not falling for this bait.

“You’re not going to distract me from the fact that all of this started because you keep trying to save me!”

“Of course I’m trying to save you, Buck!” Eddie says in exasperation.

“Well, don’t!” Buck shouts, fed up with it all. “We both know it should be you that lives!”

“God, Buck, why do you think that?” Eddie exhales in frustration. “I’m the one with a pole through me! I’ve always been the one stuck in this elevator, always the one meant to die! It’s not about you needing to sacrifice yourself, it’s about you learning to let go of me so Christopher can-”

“Christopher!” Buck feels hysterical. “You’re going to bring up Christopher? When Christopher is exactly the reason you need to be the one to make it out!”

Eddie huffs in frustration.

“There’s a reason I put you in my will and told you about it, Buck.”

“Stop! Stop…stop trying to use your son to save me! Those hours when I really did think you were going to die and I would have to be the one to tell Christopher his Dad was never coming home…God, Eddie those were the worst few hours of my entire life, that really messed me up. Don’t make me relive that!” Buck admits, feeling tears beginning to build up at the memory.

“So it’s all about you, huh?” Eddie chokes out, clearly trying to keep his emotions in check as well. “What about when I had to watch your body swinging lifelessly in the rain, counting the seconds your heart was stopped, unable to reach you? The days I spent in the hospital not knowing if you would ever wake up from your coma? When I had to bring Christopher into the room and try to explain why you had tubes in your body? You think that didn’t mess me up?”

Buck tries to interrupt, but Eddie’s not done yet.

“Or the first time I lived through this day and watched you get crushed to death and had no idea all of this was going to reset? Or how about the last loop, where you died underneath me and then weren’t even there for me to touch when I woke up, to confirm you were still alive and breathing? So much of my pain has come from you! From missing you! From mourning you! From worrying about you! So yes, I’m allowed to want to save you!” Eddie declares in frustration.

Buck, who has been watching enraptured, vacillating between anger and heartbreak, grabs Eddie’s face in his hands.

“I’ll save you every time!” he says firmly, making sure Eddie hears him. “Or I’ll die trying, I don’t care! Because I miss you even when you’re right in front of me. I wouldn’t survive mourning you! There’s no me without you!”

He makes sure Eddie hears him, understands that there’s no room for argument here.

But Eddie’s not backing down either, grabbing Buck by the harness and yanking him closer just like he did before their first kiss.

“Well, me too!” Eddie says fiercely, “Because I love you!”

Buck has no time to process the words shouted at him before he’s shouting them back as well.

“Yeah, well I love you too!” he declares, feeling instantly lighter as the words leave him.

“Then why are we yelling?” Eddie shouts back.

“I don’t know!” Buck yells one last time, finally stopping to take a deep breath.

They stand there, Eddie’s face in Buck’s hands and Buck pulled against Eddie via his harness, breathing heavily as their words sink in.

Buck blinks rapidly, resting his forehead against Eddie’s.

“You…you love me?” he whispers, hardly allowing himself to believe the words that had been shouted just moments ago. It feels like if he says them again then everything will break.

Eddie tilts his head, a fond but exasperated expression taking over his face.

“Yes, Buck, has that not been embarrassingly clear?”

“Just checking,” Buck says, allowing a grin to spread across his face.

“And…you love me?”

It’s Eddie’s turn to be hesitant.

Buck slides one hand up into Eddie’s hair as the other traces his face.

“Eddie, I am so in love with you that I willed myself into joining your time loop so I wouldn’t forget you kissing me,” he laughs.

“Right,” Eddie says in a daze. “Just wanted to be sure.”

He gently tugs on Buck’s harness and Buck knows what he wants. Because it’s all Buck wants as well.

As their lips crash together, Buck knows they’re going to be ok. That they’ll figure out this time loop mess and they’ll do it together because they love each other. They love each other and to lose each other now would be so cruel and unfair, it couldn’t possibly be what the universe wants.

A voice in the back of his mind tells Buck to stop, that this isn’t the time, that Eddie is seriously injured and this can wait until they’re not in a disaster area. But then Eddie is pulling him in tighter, opening his mouth to deepen the kiss, and he loses any train of rational thought as he kisses Eddie Diaz for a second time today.

Animal instinct taking over, Buck pulls away just slightly to begin kissing along Eddie’s jaw and following the same trajectory down his neck as he had this morning.

“You better be there when I open my eyes tomorrow,” Eddie gasps out as Buck finds the spot where he had sucked a hickey onto Eddie’s neck mere hours ago and kisses it slowly. He should probably tell Eddie about that. Eventually.

He smirks at the desperation in Eddie’s voice, the implication in his words.

“Oh?” he asks teasingly, humming as he kisses every trace of Eddie’s skin on his way back up to his lips, not caring at all about the dirt and grime coating him at the moment. In fact, Buck would love to lick Eddie clean right here in this elevator if they had the time for it. As they don’t, he makes do with kissing along his jaw until he reaches his ear.

“And what exactly are your plans with me at our place of work, Eddie?” he whispers, his hands tracing patterns along Eddie’s arm as his nose burrows behind his ear.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Eddie breathes out, trying to tease Buck back but unable to hide how flustered he is as his voice hitches.

“Tell me,” Buck hums, practically licking Eddie’s eardrum as he moves impossibly closer, hoping to unravel Eddie even more.

“Well if it’s not too much effort for you to get to work tomorrow, Mr. Sick Day,” Eddie gets out between gasps as Buck begins making a trail of kisses down Eddie’s neck again. He’s spent too long staring, too long wondering what he tastes like, too long thinking he could never have this, to bring himself to stop now. At the remark, he gives a playful nip on the skin he was lavishing, causing Eddie to suck in his breath.

Eddie quickly recovers though, managing to continue his train of thought. “Then maybe we can come up with an excuse to stay behind again, and once everyone leaves we’ll have the whole place to ourselves. You can show me why they call you Firehose.”

At that, Buck’s entire body reacts without thought. Yes they were currently heavily making out, but the idea of having actual sex with Eddie, of that being something Eddie would want to do outside the confines of this moment, causes Buck to stumble and squeeze Eddie harder than he meant to.

Eddie groans involuntarily, and the reality that Eddie currently has a pole through him and Buck just made that worse slams into him. He jumps back from him, guilt wracking his thoughts and instantly cooling down any blood that had rushed downward at the mention of Eddie wanting to experience Firehose.

“Sorry, sorry,” he says, hating that he’s hurt Eddie.

“No, it’s…it’s fine,” Eddie gets out through gritted teeth. “God when is that aftershock going to come and put me out of my misery?”

“You know, now that you mention it…” Buck says, looking around. “Shouldn’t it have happened by now? I haven’t exactly been timing everything, but I think we were shouting and uh making out for a long time now.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says hesitantly, looking around.

Now that they’re both quiet and not totally absorbed in each other, Buck thinks he can hear the faint sounds of voices from down below.

Then Ravi pops his head over the top of the elevator shaft, grinning in a way not entirely appropriate for the situation.

“Oh good, you’re done eating each other’s faces. If you two are ready to hear your rescue plan now…the rest of the team is securing the elevator. Then Hen and Chimney are going to come in to provide medical care once we can cut through the pole safely. So Buck you’re going to need to - ”

“Wait!” Eddie interrupts, looking from Ravi to Buck with wide eyes. “The building, the aftershocks, everyone needs to leave!”

“We did!” Ravi calls down. “I got the civilians out, we waited to make sure there were no immediate aftershocks incoming as Station 133 worked on securing what remains of the building. Before we even got the all clear the team was in the building, working on securing the elevator so it doesn’t plummet when we cut the pole. We’ve got you.”

Ravi’s smiling, but Buck can tell from Eddie’s shocked expression that he can’t believe any of this.

“That’s…that’s not right. We never…we never make it this far,” Eddie’s staring at Buck now, eyes wide and trying desperately to get an answer that Buck doesn’t have.

Except maybe he does.

He ignores Ravi’s shouts that they can go back to making out if they want, but Hen and Chim will be here soon.

Fixing his eyes on Eddie, still in shock himself, he answers.

“Did…did we finally break the time loop?” he can hardly dare to believe it even as the words leave his mouth, voice low in case Ravi can hear them.

Eddie shakes his head, also clearly struggling to fathom the turn of events.

“There’s no way…what did we even do differently?” he asks bewildered.

What did they do differently? They certainly hadn’t worked together, like Buck had proposed. No, they had fought like never before, got everything off their chest, and…confessed their love to each other. A small smile breaks across his face and he ducks his head, moving back over to Eddie and taking his hand.

“Maybe those rom coms were onto something,” he answers coyly, knowing Eddie will find the notion ridiculous.

“What?” Eddie asks in his predictable, derisive way. He keeps his hand in Buck’s though.

“Come on, we finally say I love you and that’s when the time loop stops? That can’t be a coincidence,” Buck grins. The idea that their love actually mattered enough for the universe to put them in the most diabolical situation, forcing them to figure their shit out, is almost a romantic enough a notion for it to all be worth it. Almost. He’s going to need Eddie to live before deciding how he feels about the entire situation.

Clearly not convinced, Eddie’s eyebrows knit together.

“Why would - “

The rest of his sentence gets cut off by the arrival of Hen and Chim.

“Buck, we know you don’t want to leave Eddie, but we’re not going to test the strength of our support measures by putting unnecessary strain on it,” Chim calls down, giving him a stern look that brooks no room for argument.

“We’ve got him from here, you’ve done a good job Buck,” Hen tells him, lowering a harness meant for him to leave Eddie.

“You better go,” Eddie says, squeezing Buck’s hand once before dropping it. Buck misses the contact instantly.

All he wants to do is keep Eddie’s hand wrapped tightly in his own while Hen and Chim do what they need to. They’re great at their jobs, they can figure out a way to help Eddie while Buck holds his hand through the pain, just like Eddie once did for him.

In truth, he’s absolutely terrified to let Eddie out of his sight. Scared something horrible will happen the moment he looks away.

But that’s irrational and not befitting of a firefighter, especially one who will need to make a case to his captain that he and Eddie can still function on the same team even though they’re dating. Are they dating? Are they boyfriends? The words feel too minimal for all that they already are to each other.

That’s something they can sort out later. Once Eddie is free and receives medical attention and they finally find out what tomorrow brings. The only thing he can be certain of right now is that Eddie needs serious help and every moment Buck delays that care only risks Eddie being able to recover.

Every cell in his body rebels, but he knows he has to go. Taking a deep breath, he grabs the rope to finally vacate this fucking elevator, but he stops.

Their friends can plainly see them, Eddie’s still in danger, there’s countless reasons for him to not act on his current impulse.

He really can’t bring himself to give a fuck.

Dropping the rope, he turns suddenly and barely meets Eddie’s wide eyes for just a moment before he’s cupping his face in his hands and smashing their mouths together. Distantly, he hears gasps and a startled cheer coming from up above. He doesn’t care. After the last several…however many days, hell their entire lives, he knows the next moment is never guaranteed and he just needs to feel Eddie’s mouth against his at least one more time.

God he hopes it’s not the last time.

He feels Eddie begin to deepen the kiss and forces himself to pull away. With one last brush of his thumb across Eddie’s cheek, he turns away before he attaches himself to the man like a starfish and forces their friends to work around him.

“Come back to me,” he calls to Eddie, trying to go for confident and flirty, though he feels anything but as he hooks his harness and signals that he’s ready to go up.

Eddie looks dazed, fond, and a tiny bit like he might kill Buck for subjecting him to the current cat calls and whistles being directed their way.

He shouldn’t worry though. He’ll get the grace of having just been stuck straight through by a pole. Buck will take the brunt of their family’s teasing for the foreseeable future.

As he reaches the top, he’s met first by quick embraces as Hen and Chimney wrap their arms around him. Caught up in their own bubble, Buck hadn’t considered all the emotions the people closest to them had been experiencing for the past half hour. Of course they had been worried about the two of them stuck in this elevator, unable to even attempt a rescue until certain measures were able to be put in place. And given how Buck knows today was meant to go, they were right to be worried.

He feels all of that relief flood into him as they grab hold of him, and some of the adrenaline begins to leave his body. The reality of the situation as the time loop finally allows the day to progress almost overwhelms him for a moment. Then Chimney is knocking his shoulder as Hen tells him “You would finally figure it out at the most inappropriate time,” pushing his head with a smile.

“You are so getting an earful later for that dumbass stunt you pulled jumping in there, but please go get checked out by medical on the ground while we save my future brother-in-law-in-law,” Chimney says with a grin, dragging Buck to his feet and pushing him towards Ravi. The grin drops off his face as he turns his attention to Eddie and the gravity of his current predicament.

The thrill of confessing his love to Eddie and having it be returned, followed by being free of the damned time loop, starts to fade as Buck realizes he still very much could lose Eddie. They aren’t out of the woods yet.

Someone grabs his arm, gently leading him away as Chim and Hen begin to lower themselves down with Ravi spotting them from above.

“Come on Buck, they got it from here. Eddie’s in the best hands, you’ve done everything you can,” his captain’s voice washes over him. Of course it’s Bobby. Of course Bobby came storming in along with the rest of the 118.

A feeling of comfort and safety floods through him, finally breaking through the huge swirl of emotions he’s been trying to keep in check. He doesn’t realize his knees have given out until Bobby’s arms are all around him, propping him up.

“I’ve got you, kid,” he says with the kind of reassurance and command only Bobby has. “It’s going to be ok. I’ve got you.”

Buck has no choice but to believe him, allowing himself to put faith in his team and the universe to deliver Eddie Diaz back to him. He lets himself be led down the stairs by his captain and ushered onto a waiting gurney as two medics from the 133 swarm him. He wants to protest that he’s fine, not the one anyone should be worried about, but he meets Bobby’s gaze and knows it’s a fight he’ll lose.

As basic medical checks turn into being wheeled to an ambulance to be taken to the nearest hospital for more extensive follow-ups on potential brain injuries, he feels the panic rise in his throat.

“Bobby, I’m fine! Eddie-” he starts to say, struggling to get up. Leaving the elevator was one thing, but leaving the scene without Eddie by his side is entirely another. Bobby places a firm hand on his shoulder, forcing him to lie back down.

“Buck, we are doing everything possible for Eddie. You cannot do anything else here besides cause a disruption. The best thing you can do for yourself and Eddie is get a thorough physical check. He’s going to need you on the other side of this,” Bobby says in his Captain Nash voice that leaves no room for arguing.

But he’s Buck, and when has that ever stopped him?

“Bobby, you cannot do this to me. I need to see him! Please, just…if you need to send me to the hospital, fine! That’s fine. But…but let me ride in the ambulance with him! You have no idea…please, Bobby,” he begs, knowing he sounds hysterical. It’s not a great look when he needs to convince his Captain that he can be so completely normal about continuing to work alongside the love of his life, but he’s far past being able to be rational right now.

There must be something truly desperate in his eyes, because Bobby actually seems to consider it. His eyes roam Buck’s face and he softens.

“All right,” he relents, holding up a finger. “But you have to not move from this spot until you are able to get into the ambulance.”

Buck feels a surge of gratitude and almost launches himself at Bobby (already breaking his rule), but his captain hasn’t finished.

“And you have to be examined by the hospital when you get there. And,” Bobby continues, not letting Buck get a word in. “All of this is contingent upon Eddie’s status once he is out.”

Bobby doesn’t say it, but he doesn’t have to. Buck hears the unspoken words. If there’s a chance Eddie might die in that ambulance, you are not going.

But Bobby doesn’t know the universe wants them to be together and the worst thing he can do is keep them apart.

Buck nods in agreement, not wanting to argue the point any further.

The next few minutes feel like hours. Maybe they are. Time has kind of lost all meaning to Buck. But suddenly Chim is radio-ing that they were able to safely extract Eddie and are on their way out now.

Bobby had taken Buck’s radio, so he can only make out half of the conversation as Bobby deliberately turns away from him to check on Eddie’s stability.

Relief surges through Buck as Bobby tells him to get into the ambulance.

After that, everything is a blur. Hen and Chim are rushing Eddie out of the half-collapsed building and onto the waiting ambulance. If they’re surprised to see Buck, they’re professional enough not to show it.

Buck makes sure to stay out of their way so they can help Eddie.

Eddie.

Eddie who is unconscious and still has a pole protruding from his abdomen.

Which…of course he does. Hen and Chim know to remove it without being able to immediately get him into surgery would be a death sentence. Buck knows this too.

Knowing this doesn’t make the sight any easier for Buck to take in.

Hen sits back, her work done, and rests a hand on his shoulder.

“Go on, talk to him. I know he wants to hear your voice,” she says kindly. The teasing will come later, right now all he feels from his friends, his family, is the support and comfort they’ve always offered in the face of the worst things life can throw at them.

Buck gives her a small nod, reaching out to grab Eddie’s hand. It’s limp in his own, not able to grip back, but Buck holds on well enough for the both of them.

“You’ve already fought through so much today,” Buck says, letting out a wet laugh at that understatement. “Just fight a little more, ok? You still owe me a trip to Disney, you’re not getting out of that just because a little pole went through you. Chris and I will make the itinerary while you recover just…”

The bravado goes out of him the longer he stares at Eddie, squeezing life into a hand unable to squeeze back. A tiny sob slips out and he feels Hen grip his shoulder tighter.

“You have to recover, ok. I just really got you, I can’t lose you. Don’t make me lose you.”

He presses his lips against Eddie’s fingers as a few stray tears slip out, unbidden. Any hopes of keeping it together in front of his team are forgotten as Hen wraps him in a hug and Chim reaches over to squeeze Buck’s shoulder, his other hand gripping Eddie’s.

Buck thinks they must make quite the sight, Bobby’s 118 holding each other together in the back of their ambulance. Wrapped up in the embrace of his team, and still holding onto Eddie for dear life, he hopes the universe still has some miracles up her sleeve for them today.

*

It’s even more of a whirlwind once they arrive at the hospital. They rush to deliver Eddie to the waiting nurses as quickly as possible, Buck hating the moment when he has to drop Eddie’s hand. He hardly has time to contemplate the absence when suddenly Hen and Chim are steering him towards the waiting room, spilling over with people from the earthquake, for his own check up.

Mercifully, he’s given priority as a first responder and gets the all clear fairly quickly.

Before he can text Chim to hurry up with the snacks he and Hen left to go track down, a familiar voice calls his name.

“Buck!” Maddie yells in relief. Before he has a chance to even begin wrapping his head around the fact that his sister is somehow here, her arms are wrapped around him in a fierce hug.

Letting out a puff of air in surprise, he instinctively tightens his arms around her and feels a second rush of relief at her presence.

“Hey Maddie,” he says, squeezing her gently. “What are you doing here?”

“Chim texted me and I rushed straight here,” Maddie tells him, looking up with tears in her eyes. Then, pulling away, she pushes against his chest.

“Ow!” he cries in exaggerated indignation. “What was that for?”

“For scaring me to death! You come to my house this morning saying you’re going to die in an earthquake today, tell me not to worry about it, and then an earthquake actually happens and you almost die!” Maddie says angrily, though Buck hears the fear in her voice. “You said you weren’t going to work today!”

“Well I was trying not to worry you!” he shoots back, rubbing his chest.

“Mission failed,” Maddie huffs. “Are you ok? Did they check you out?”

“Other than this bruise on my chest?” Maddie rolls her eyes at his dramatics. “Yeah I’m fine.”

“Good, then I can move on to asking you what the fuck you were thinking jumping into an elevator in an unstable building?” Maddie crosses her arms, staring him down as if they’re kids again and he just did something reckless.

“I was thinking the love of my life was going to die without us ever talking it out,” he defends, continuing to milk his new injury by rubbing it in exaggeration. “Also was thinking I was in a time loop that was going to reset so none of my actions actually mattered.”

The reality of the loop ending and what that means has been washing over him in waves. Every time he thinks he has a handle on his emotions, another layer reveals itself.

“But turns out on this go round they do and now I’m kinda freaking out that I didn’t do enough to actually help Eddie while we were down there,” he can feel his breathing becoming more erratic as he thinks about what he should have been doing in that elevator as a trained professional. “I was too busy getting him to talk about his feelings and making out with him when I should have been focused on minimizing long term damage and now I don’t even know if he’s even going to be okay and I need to call Christopher and-”

“Buck breathe,” Maddie says, laying a calming hand on his arms. He looks into her wide eyes and tries to match his breathing to hers as he realizes he’s finding it hard to catch his breath. “From everything Chim has told me, Eddie’s doing ok,” she says gently. “He’s stable. He’s a fighter. He’ll get through this.”

Hearing his sister say the words does help instill a sense of calm, and he hangs onto every word like a lifeline. His breathing slows to match hers..

Maddie rubs his arm soothingly.

“No one’s taking him from you, Buck.”

“Thanks, Maddie,” he croaks, and if there’s a wetness in his voice they both ignore it.

“That’s what big sisters are for,” Maddie smiles in reassurance, giving him one last pat on the arm. “Now, while we wait, tell me all the details on how exactly you two got together. Because depending on how things played out, I might walk away from this with some money.”

Buck rears back.

“What - were you betting on us?” he asks in shock.

“Oh everyone was, yeah,” Maddie answers, with a tone that makes it seem like it should be obvious.

“Wh- when?”

“I mean….I think Hen and Chim placed the first bets when Eddie started working there. But once you started dating Tommy the parlays started getting really interesting. And don’t get me started on the whole moving fiasco-”

“Since Eddie started- what the fuck?” Buck can feel his face going red. “You people are sick. You barely even knew anyone, Maddie!”

“Hey, I wasn’t the one who started the bets!” Maddie says defensively. “I told you, that was Hen and Chim! But when I asked Chim what was up with Eddie when you wouldn’t stop talking about him, he got me involved.”

“You - oh we are talking about this later. I deserve at least half of your winnings for the privacy violations.”

“Oh no,” she shakes her head quickly. “Anything I win is tax for the shit I’ve had to hear you say over the years when you were being utterly oblivious. It was actually borderline maddening at times. I seriously thought you were never going to figure it out, especially after you thought Tommy was the one whose attention you were trying to get during that basketball fiasco.”

Maddie sighs, as if this has been some great burden on her life.

“When you came to my house talking about Tommy thinking you were in love with Eddie, I almost gave in and connected the dots for you. But we all agreed if you two had any chance at making this work, you needed to figure it out yourselves.”

“You guys talked about it that much?” Buck squeaks, still wrapping his head around the fact that their entire family had known they were in love with each other this whole time.

“Well I wouldn’t say that much, but…enough that we had to lay down some ground rules,” Maddie answers a bit sheepishly. “But you will not make me feel bad for engaging in gossip and gambling on this topic when I have been subjected to your ramblings of Eddie obsession since the day I arrived in town. We needed to be able to talk about it while you two figured it out.”

Buck rubs his eyes, this being entirely too much to take in on top of the rest of the day’s events.

“God I can’t wait to tell Eddie about this, he’s going to lose it,” Buck finds himself laughing at the thought.

Maddie smiles, then looks away.

“What?” Buck prompts, confused by the look.

“It’s just…I’m so happy for you,” Maddie turns back to him, tears in her eyes. “That you finally found your person. Or rather…realize that you found your person. The one you’re going to think of telling everything to first for the rest of your life. You deserve that, Buck.”

Buck tries to fight back his own tears and gives his sister a playful shove.

“Today is already emotional enough as it is, don’t do this to me right now,” he tries to laugh, but it comes out half as a sob.

Maddie pulls him into another hug.

As he wraps his arms around his sister again, laying his head on top of hers, he has the odd thought of how lucky he is. Despite the emotional saw trap that has been his life for the past several never-ending days, it has all led him to finally being able to love Eddie out in the open…and be loved in return. It’s all he has ever wanted, all he never thought he would get to have. They should both be dead, but somehow through the weirdest machinations that are already beginning to feel like a fuzzy dream, they were given a second chance at life.

He needs to see Eddie awake and breathing with his own two eyes before he fully lets himself bask in what feels like a miracle, but as he grips Maddie tighter he somehow knows they’ll be okay.

*

The doctors say Eddie will make a full recovery. The recovery time will be long and he’ll need many months of physical therapy, but they have every expectation that he will make a full recovery.

Buck manages to keep it together, but he nearly breaks down in tears of relief as they deliver the good news to him and the 118.

Eddie won’t wake up for several more hours, and everyone begs him to go home and get some sleep, but he can’t bring himself to leave Eddie’s side. He needs to see for himself that he’s ok, that no act of God or the universe is taking him away from Buck today.

Maddie agrees to watch Christopher, who is the only person who got Buck to leave the hospital for any amount of time. Buck had insisted he be the one to pick up Chris and let him know what had happened. Eddie was still in surgery at the time, but updates up until that point had at least been more positive than the time he was shot.

Delivering horrible news about his father to Chris never got any easier. In fact, as he gets older and understands the gravity of the situation more fully, Buck finds the conversation even harder to navigate.

Chris had nodded as Buck let him know his father had been in an accident at work while saving people, that Buck had been with him and their team had gotten him to a hospital, but he was currently in surgery.

“I don’t worry about my dad as much as I used to anymore, Buck,” Chris had said when Buck was finished.

Buck looked at him in surprise.

“Really?”

“He has you. You would never let anything too bad happen to him,” Chris tried to smile, though it didn't quite reach his eyes as the worry still lingered. “Sometimes I think you would invent a way to reverse time like Superman to bring him back. So I know he’s going to be ok. You won’t let him be anything else.”

Buck’s glad he already cried so much earlier with both Eddie and Maddie, because he refuses to cry in front of this kid again. Just once, he’d love to be the strong one for him.

“Come here,” he had said, pulling Chris into a tight hug. Chris had melted in his arms, releasing all the tension and worry he had been trying to hide. “I hope you know your dad protects me just as much. Maybe annoyingly so.”

Buck had chuckled slightly, remembering their arguments about who was going to die in that time loop. What had seemed like the most frustrating source of a fight at the time, was maybe the exact reason he and Eddie both made it out alive. They’re both too stubborn to let go of the other.

“Oh, I know. It helps me not worry so much about you either,” Chris stated matter-of-factly, as if the notion of him worrying about Buck the way he worries for his Dad doesn’t shatter Buck into several pieces.

If Chris felt any teardrops hit his curls, he didn’t say.

Buck had wanted Chris to be there when Eddie woke up, but it’s getting late and he knows Eddie would rather Chris not spend the night in the hospital watching him sleep.

Thankfully, Chris only protested a little. Though unconscious, he had been allowed into the room to see Eddie. The fact that Eddie didn’t need to be hooked to a bunch of machines to breathe for him had gone a long way in convincing Chris things would be fine.

Buck watches them leave, with promises having been made that he’ll call the moment there’s any change, and a small part of him aches to not have Chris by his side keeping watch over their Eddie.

But they’ll have plenty of time for that later. They have all the time in the world now.

As Buck settles down for the night next to Eddie’s bedside, taking his hand in his with no intention of letting go, he lightly brushes Eddie’s hair out of his face and drinks him in. There’s bruises and scratches all over his beautiful profile, and underneath his hospital gown Buck knows there’s a large scar where a pole used to be. He looks forward to being able to kiss every single one of those marks better when Eddie wakes up. For now, he sends a silent thanks to the universe that they’re both still here to have any scars at all and he forces himself to stay awake and watch the clock change over to a new day.

As the red numbers blink 12:01 at him, with no ceilings collapsing or someone running in to stab them, Buck smiles in disbelief and squeezes Eddie’s hand. Tomorrow has finally arrived and they both are alive to see the other side of it. He doesn’t know what will happen when Eddie wakes up. They still have so much to talk about - figure out where they go from here. And there will be months of physical therapy in Eddie’s future. But he knows they’ll figure it out together. It’s what they do.

Buck doesn’t know what the morning will bring. But as he finally allows his eyes to close, head resting on Eddie’s hospital bed and still gripping his hand like a lifeline, a warmth spreads through his chest. A warmth that feels like mornings spent making breakfast for his two favorite boys. A warmth that has replaced the aching chasm at his core that used to be his constant companion.

A warmth that feels like home.