Chapter Text
It wasn’t his fault he fell for the one who would hurt him the most.
Ethan Nakamura. A bastard child with an unknown mother and a chronic drunk of a father. Couldn’t even stay sober enough to take care of his own kid— pathetic excuse of a parent— shoving aside the needs Ethan required to properly grow up (so to speak).
All his life— Ethan only knew one thing— staying alive, locate your own resources, and forge a path where everyone and everything is finally balanced. Be a person to be proud of, no matter how long it takes. He needs to prove that he’s someone more than the kid crying himself to sleep after a rough beating— the kid who’s able to do more than beg his father to stop— the kid who had random outbursts in the fits of pure rage in the face of “unserious” inequality such as watching as other kids played with his toys as a child.
He didn’t understand why he felt that way. He didn’t understand why he reacted accordingly to his emotions, even if he didn’t respond physically or verbally.
Ethan just wanted something to himself— something to keep everyone happy— filling the endless void with the memories of pain if that’s what kept others smiling.
Eventually, Ethan started to crave more than becoming someone who could change the world— something more— connection.
He wanted someone to hold him as he cried his throat sore— would bandage up the wounds caused by the abusive piece of shit he was related to— someone who would love him…
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It started when Ethan was born.
It was bright, loud, the feeling of vulnerability flooding the room with love?
He wasn’t sure what his father felt about him during that moment, only remembering the booming voice cursing the sky— it later rained that day— grateful his father brought him inside before the thunderstorm rolled in.
Ethan remembers crying that whole night, causing his father to yell in frustration and eventually abandon him.
This didn’t help Ethan at all— the frightened baby having his health deteriorated until his father came back a few days later— eventually being taken to the hospital after a cycle of his father refusing to take care of him.
Ethan suspected his father reacted that way because he looked like his mother. The only trait he had from his father was the dark hair— the color slowly being unable to be seen as a trait— his father’s hair graying in color.
It wasn’t until his father got violent, making little Ethan realize maybe his dad didn’t love him.
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He relived being 3, bawling his eyes out as his dad screamed at him. His father had beaten poor little Ethan with a belt until there were red marks, bruises, and a shaking form beneath the angry man— from the top of his head to his legs— wounds covering the shivering boy.
Little Ethan was on the wooden floor, sobbing.
After that day, he learned that his dad had unspoken rules he needed to follow.
1. Don’t speak unless required to.
2. Don’t touch daddy’s stuff.
3. DON’T touch the pretty bottles of liquid daddy left around.
4. Don’t become any sort of problem.
5. Don’t mention mommy.
6. Don’t break anything that daddy thought was important.
7. Don’t be too happy.
8. Don’t be too sad.
9. And DO NOT tell anyone about how daddy was hurting you.
The rules were simple to follow after he found out the consequences for disobeying
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2 years of being the perfect son for his dad— something changed— his dad started to like him…?
5 year-old Ethan was confused at the sudden change in his dad, but was glad he was making his dad proud after being a mistake his entire life.
His dad was actively making an effort to get sober, taking little Ethan out for food, caring to him, and even making time for his precious son!
It felt like everything was changing, Ethan would finally have a good ending.
He would finally get his dad’s love— lowering his guard and waking up with a smile— happiness pouring through him.
꧁⎝ 𓆩༺✧༻𓆪 ⎠꧂꧁⎝ 𓆩༺✧༻𓆪 ⎠꧂
4 months go by with this new behavior, Ethan’s dad slowly getting even closer with poor Ethan.
His eyes would stare for longer periods, physical affection being demanded, and hands being slid across special places that made Ethan feel fuzzy and warm whenever they hugged or sat on his dad’s lap.
As much as it felt different, innocent Ethan loathed the attention.
꧁⎝ 𓆩༺✧༻𓆪 ⎠꧂꧁⎝ 𓆩༺✧༻𓆪 ⎠꧂
6 months went by— the “wholesome” moments turning into a disgusting experience for anyone— his father decided to lay his hands upon the poor boy once more.
Ethan will never forget the way the massive hands turned violent again, they were gentle but still caused a deep disturbance in his soul.
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He recalled being 6 when it happened, his father waking him up in the middle of the night to play a “game” with him.
He picked small Ethan up— the child unfortunately smelling the strong scent of alcohol on his father’s body— carrying the clueless boy into his bedroom.
Ethan was excited, usually not being able to stay up this late, especially with his dad. He was gently placed down on the comfortable mattress, his trust in the hands of the wrong man. The rules were immediately set in place, a gentle voice that talked Ethan through the details he had to follow if he wanted to be a good boy and continue playing the game.
꧁⎝ 𓆩༺✧༻𓆪 ⎠꧂꧁⎝ 𓆩༺✧༻𓆪 ⎠꧂
It started with soft touches.
Ethan was forced to settle on his father’s lap— allowing the sick man to subtly grind against his backside— this made sweet Ethan feel uncomfortable in a funny way.
The small boy questioned whether this was okay.
After 5 minutes of one-sided teasing, clothes were stripped off.
It started to make him feel uncomfortable, the gentle touch and soft bedding not easing his nerves.
His armor was gone. The once kind dragon feasted on the defenseless knight.
It burned. He cried. He begged for it to stop. The monster was forever deaf until the knight was forced to give in— Ethan was overwhelmed with new feelings— pain turning into a sticky substance of distress once alone and the reality of being dirty hit him hard.
Ethan never thought he was going to kill a sheep.
But sometimes, the poor lamb freezes for long enough so the wolf could tear open its flesh. The lamb’s hide would forever be bloody, the bugs now decomposing what’s left of the miserable crime scene.
Ethan can’t wipe it off. He can’t wipe off the hands…
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There was a new rule.
10. Don’t tell anyone about the game and let it happen without fighting.
Ethan learned that fighting back during the game only gets dad mad. He had the marks to prove that statement— from face from a slap to little bite marks and bruises on his neck— never try that again.
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Ethan had to repeat the cycle of abuse after that day. He was forced to play the game— his father ridding of his good qualities he lied about— normal abuse being added back on the list.
He couldn’t sleep.
Nightmares tortured Ethan, the hands consuming his skin and shooting the lamb once more.
He would even wet the bed when his body failed to realize the night terrors weren’t real. Although, he never told his father about this— leaving both himself and his father in the dark— worried about the consequences.
Yet. There was one night where he saw a man. He had golden eyes— beautiful, precious, eyes— so magnificent it could hypnotize you. He just smiled at little Ethan, apologizing for meeting him too soon. He promised to come back— little Ethan wanting to ask the man for his name— disappearing as soon as Ethan opened his small mouth.
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Pigs. All of them were. He knew they saw the marks on his youthful skin.
From the smallest bites for “love” to the scars left from anger. It burned. He wanted to burn. He deserves to burn. He wanted to melt away like a candle when the cigarette touched his wick.
He remembered dreaming the rest of the day. Someone to take him away far from this cage he always found himself in.
Even as his precious wings were torn off his very back of the angel he was claimed to be. He would scream. Although… The pillow only stops the noise, not the action. Doesn’t it, Ethan?
.
..
…
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“WHY DON'T YOU SAVE ME?!” Ethan cried. That’s all he has ever wondered. He saw the lust. Ethan always saw the way the others looked at him when he came to greet company with a new injury everyday, but never came to save him. He pondered if they looked at him as nothing more than a useless link. Just a mere toy for men. Isn’t that what happens to boys like him?
Do they look at him like the men behind the cameras? Like the men who watch him through a link on a website? Like the pigs who are aware of the skin being broken before them?
It would make sense if they did see him that way. Nobody can resist a fresh lamb served on a platter for their hunger only. Right?
But at last, a lamb is only just a child. So, you clip the wings of the beautiful bird and dehorn whatever hope you find in the boy.
He’s yours now.
“… Ethan? You were just a child. You were a child with an angry man at home. You’re my boy. Not his. You can change everything. Stay strong. Stay smart. Lie your way to his eventual demise. You’re only 6 now, but you’ll be balanced soon.”
<3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3<3 <3
“…. I love you Ethan. Mommy loves you so much, and she’s sooo proud of you, baby. Goodnight, Ethan.”
He loved mommy too. He knew mommy couldn’t protect him from daddy’s game, but he knew mommy still loved him.
He was even able to get away with breaking something! All because mommy helped him lie. That turned out to be the best night ever. He was even able to sleep without daddy coming into his room!
Though, he suspects daddy only plays the game with him because he looks like mommy. That would explain sooo much! Because mommy is sooooo pretty!!!
Agh! Ethan can’t believe that he got to see how pretty she was! Mommy was truly beautiful and so nice to him. He’s just glad daddy is allowing him to go to school. Furthermore, he had to leave Blue at home— maybe he can pick up some treats for him— although Blue knew how to take care of himself.
“Goodnight, mommy, I’ll make you even prouder!” Ethan whispered, hoping she was able to hear his small voice. One day, he’ll get to hug mommy. She just seems so warm.
He closes his black eyes, taking off to a place where nobody can hurt him.
Even if the shiny, yellow man spoke nicely to him. He couldn’t trust him just yet. It’s only him, Blue, and mommy now.