Chapter Text
A lot had happened for the four of them to get to the safehouse, and no one could argue that all of them badly needed help, but none of them wanted to admit it, so they just kind of sat in silence for a while, it was crazy that the world had ended literally a few minutes ago, yet...it hadn't ended. All of them were here, in a safehouse, alive. Jon, Martin, Tim and Sasha. All four of them. None of them knew exactly how they were alive, it was impossible, yet, there they were. Martin had made them all hot chocolates, and they were al just sipping on them every once in a while. Jon was tired, he didn't want to think about how he was even alive, he put that off to another day, right now, he just needed rest. All of them did. They were all very sleep deprived since when in the apocalypse, you don't really sleep, it would put you in a really vulnerable state, and sure they could take turns keeping watch but none of them could even really fall asleep after seeing all the horrors out there. But it was al gone now, it was like it never had been there, yet it had. Jon sighed, he leaned his head on Martin's shoulder, he was too tired to think about what he was even doing, and Martin must've been just as tired because he simply complied, and before they knew it, all of them were soundly asleep...well, ss soundly asleep as you can be after the world almost ending. Jon was sure the nightmares went on all night, he couldn't stop seeing the bodies, the deaths. The worst thing was he could just Know how each and every one of them died, and in his dream state he couldn't control that urge that much anymore, he needed to feed. When he woke up from yet another nightmare, everyone was still soundly asleep, btu he could see he wasn't the only one having nightmares, Martin was practically shaking and so was Tim and Sasha, he decided that even if they were having nightmares, they needed the sleep, so he stood up, and poured himself some water, downing it and going outside, sitting on the steps. It was oddly beautiful, the vastness of the forest in front of him, wreckage around, no cities or people in sight. he sighed, and for the first time in a while, he felt oddly safe. He rummaged his pockets and was quite surprised to find he still had some cigs, he also had a lighter but that he knew since they had used it to make a fire. He lit up the cigarette and brought it to his lips. He paused. He had survived the apocalypse, he should be dead... He sighed, and flicked it on the floor, stepping on it with his foot to put it out. he then stood up and went to the trash can in the back, throwing out his pack of cigs. He let himself smile and be proud of himself, but that lasted about a minute before he rummaged back through the trash pulling them back out. It was his fault, he caused this all, he didn't know how they didn't hate him. He didn't know how Martin didn't hate him. He sunk to his knees desperately lighting up the cig, trying anything to just forget about this for one night, just to stop hating himself for one fucking night. And as much as the smoking used to distract him from his work at the institute before, it couldn't distract the strong self-hate he had for himself. He was shaking now, he couldn't..he just wanted to forget..he didn't know of any alcohol in the house, now he wasn't a drinker, the only alcohol he had ever drank was once at a party when his friends practically made him do it, but god, he'd do anything to be fine, to forget. He desperately pulled out a knife from his pocket.. He couldn't bring himself to actually stab himself, so he decided on just cutting himself instead. He rolled up his sleeve and cut himself until he felt somewhat fine.
When he woke up, his clothes were stained with blood, and his arm was practically covered in cuts, he rolled his sleeve back down quickly, and stashed the knife in his pocket. He hoped no one would ask why his clothes were stained with blood. He went into the house, and saw that Martin, Tim and Sasha were all sitting, discussing something. "..Hey." Martin said softly when he saw Jon come in and the rest also turned to Jon. Jon let out a shaky breath, sitting down. "Jon..Why is there blood on your sleeve and clothes?" Martin asked softly, and Jon didn't know if he wanted to punch the man or kiss him or both. Pause. Jon wanted to...kiss Martin? No...surely...But his thoughts were interrupted by Martin putting a hand on his shoulder and softly taking the hand he had cut. "Jon can i please see your arm?" He asked, concern in his voice. Jon frowned "Why?" He asked in the calmest voice he could manage but even he could hear the ting of shakiness in it. Martin sighed "Because I'm worried about you. We all are. And you sneak out in the night we wake up you're not here and then you come back with blood stains all over you and you're shaking.." Jon sighed "Why?" He asks, looking down at his shoes. "Why what?" Tim asks, clearly confused. "Why do you care about me? This is all my fault. I caused this. All of you should hate me." Martin suddenly pulls the smaller man in, hugging him tightly. "Its not your fault, Jon. You have to stop blaming yourself. It would've happened either way probably, and none of us could've stopped it, and you risked your life trying to. You risk your life for us all the time, you might not want to admit it but we see you care, Jon. And you do your best. That's all that matters. And you can't change the past. As much as you liked to. And we're all here, aren't we? And we're not leaving you. So please let me see your arm..?" Jon's eyes welled up with tears and he hugged Martin back, nuzzling into him.."...I love you." he whispered, making sure only Martin hears it. Martin pulled back, looking like he had been just hit with a brick "You..you do?" He asked, his breath shaky. "huh?" Tim and Sasha asked simultaneously, confused as to what was happening. Jon just nodded, tears still running down his cheeks. Martin ran his thumb over, wiping the tears off, and then proceeded to kiss Jon. Tim and Sasha started cheering, but Jon could hear nothing but his heartbeat. Martin was kissing him..
Jon kissed back almost immediately, god he had wanted this for way too long..His fingers went in Martin's hair, he didn't care that the both of them were dirty and unwashed from days of not getting a proper shower, he just wanted to kiss the man he loved so desperately. When they finally parted, Jon couldn't hold back a smile, and Martin smiled back. "You're beautiful when you smile, you should smile more often. And, for the record.." he leaned in, whispering "I love you too" Jon swallowed a lump in his throat and rolled up his sleeve, showing it to Martin, looking away. Immediately, the man gasped and let out a shaky breath "Oh god Jon..You..You did that to yourself..?" Martin frowns, looking at Jon who cant even bare to look him in the eyes. Martin sighs "Jon, please, look at me." Jon lets out a shaky breath but complies, turning to Martin. Martin extends a open palm. "Please give me the thing you used for cutting your arm." He says sternly, not even giving Jon an option to say no. Jon let out another shaky breath and reached into his pocket, retrieving the blood stained knife, shakily putting it in Martin's palm. "Thank you." Martin said, putting the knife in his own pocket, sitting down next to Jon, wo was staring at his fists clenched in his lap, he couldn't bare to look at Tim or Sasha..