Chapter Text
Chapter 1.
Hair of night with the texture of ocean waves swim in swirls of memory. Eyes of deep blue oceans. Skin of snow and a smile that radiates the moon’s glow. The ache grows as the familiar laughter bounces around in his head. A servant to everyone who looked, but in his mind he saw more. Merlin who was bright. Merlin who was joy. Merlin who was home. Home didn’t exist any longer. There was no home for Arthur.
Arthur’s eyes fluttered looking into the mirror. The circles underneath his eyes gave way to his restlessness. He saw his golden hair, tanned skin, and bright blue eyes. He was the opposite of Merlin in every way it seemed. His eyes looked lifeless as though any life had been drained long ago. He squeezed his eyes shut as his knuckles turned white gripping the basin. Before he could comprehend what happened he was drawing his hand back and slamming it repeatedly into the mirror before him. He could only see flashes of Merlin with each damning hit. His skin was breaking splintering with blood. It burned and he relished in it for it was a reminder that he was still alive.
A force stopped him from slamming into the wall where the mirror had once stood. He glanced down to see what had stopped him and took a quick inhale of breath. Gwen’s coffee coloured hands were holding his silently guiding him away from his destructive display. “Arhur, please let me take care of this.” Her gentle voice guided him to his bed. He sat silently as she maneuvered throughout his chambers. He had no idea how she had gotten in without him noticing. Gwen was the head of the castle, but she was always busy fluttering between her duties. His breath hitched as she prodded at the wounds. “How did you get in without my notice?” his voice wavered if only because if it hadn’t been her anyone could have slipped through. The people would call him mad. They honestly already thought his mind had left him. His heart had left him.
“George said he felt as though it would be best I am at your side today” Her voice was kind and carried a concerned edge.
“I see him in everything I do. I feel him everywhere I go. I am a starved man begging for water.” Gwen knew him as no one else could. Gwen knew every whispered confession. She knew how he desperately wanted to show his true self. She knew he would never love her at least not in the way he had tried. A year ago there engagement broke. Gwen was in love with lancelot and even though he said she could still be with him and be his queen she refused. She said he must have the one he truly desires to rule beside take on the title. It had been a clean break. Arthur and Gwen were still close though this confused the others within their circle who didn’t know the nature of their relationship. He felt her smaller but strong arms wrap around his shoulders. She laid her head on his shoulder taking in a shaky breath.
“We have to trust that he is happier now…wherever that may be.” He felt his heart sputter as it continued to beat. Breathing felt like being pierced with glass. Happier..Merlin was happier somewhere without him. Merlin could be in a cabin somewhere growing herbs and living off the land. He could have become a servant somewhere far away in a kingdom they hadn’t heard of. He had searched every kingdom. His had scavenged the forests and the caves for him. Merlin had disappeared. He took Arthur’s words and burned them into a promise. He would never return. He would never see or hear of him again as long as the other lived. He remembered the day it happened. Merlin had healed him from a fatal blow from Niameth after an attack was made during a festival. Merlin had performed the sorcery in front of the entire kingdom. The entire castle had seen Merlin whisper enhancements desperately healing Arthur on the throne room floor. He had never felt so broken. Merlin, the one person who was supposed to always be honest with him, had lied. Merlin had lied for years and years and years to him. He was sick with it. In his despair he told Merlin he never wanted to see him in Camelot again. Merlin had promised him he wouldn’t return. When he had fully recovered from the wound Merlin had gone. Morgana had come screaming vicious things to him as she told him Merlin left into the night. He couldn’t remember much after that besides his cries and screams. His clawing hands searched for the servant everywhere. He would have given anything to see him once more. He wanted to say sorry just to hold him. He wanted to hold him in an embrace he would never have been allowed to have.
He didn’t realize he started shaking until he came back to Gwen’s gentle hands caressing his hair. “ I just want him home. Gwen…I can’t do this anymore. Not without him.” He confessed this in a soft whisper as fear of someone hearing crept in. They were to head to the battle front in mere days as word spread that Nimueh was gathering forces. It had been a year since Merlin left. A year since Gwen ended their engagement. A year since Morgana brought her magic to light.
Morgana in her rage of Merlin leaving had lit all the candles in the castle. This wouldn’t have been a concern except most burned so brightly that everything of fabric was consumed in flame within Arthur’s chambers…including Merlin’s neckerchief. It was the last thing Arthur had of him until that point. He had snapped every ounce of kingly mannerisms gone. He just wanted him back.
“You will do this Arthur. You are strong,kind,brave, and above all else you are worthy. This too will pass and then we may finally have peace within the walls of Camelot.” Arthur huffed quietly at the unwavering confidence within her voice.
“So be it. Once this is over Gwen..I will find him. Even if it is to say goodbye.” Gwen patted his injured hands gently before turning to leave.
He remembered a time in which he would gaze at Merlin as long as he could. He would watch him until others noticed or until he himself had realized it was much too noticeable how affected he was by his presence. He remembered watching Merlin walk through the forests before dinner after a hunt. The rays of light seemed desperate to catch him. The wind would flow around him as though dancing for him. Merlin was unsettling to others because of his beauty. He was beautiful in a way no other man could be. He was unearthly. He remembers watching the others glance at Merlin from time to time as though they couldn’t help but be drawn in. He wanted to possess the eyes of others so it would only be his to set eyes on the man. Gwaine would brush his hand beside Merlin’s as they sat together. Lancelot would wrap his arms around him as though it were as easy as breathing. Gwen received delicate kisses to her brow. Morgana would push all limits by brushing her lips to his. Merlin never pushed and never wavered. It was as though he understood that his presence was different, consuming others like maggots to skin. They would feast on him for his love as much as they were allowed. Though he the king never got to taste it. He wanted with all his being to be bestowed an ounce of that affection. He would never admit it because it was forbidden. His father had made it clear.