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The door slammed shut behind Dan with an ear-splitting bang. He dropped his snow-covered backpack on the floor and kicked it to the corner of his tiny dorm room, his coat, winter hat, and drenched shoes following shortly. With a trembling inhale, he brought his hands up to his head, pressing the heels of his palms against his temples, as if the pain could pacify his frantically racing thoughts.
“Fuck,” he whispered into the silence, gulping and sniffling. He shook his head violently, sat down on his bed and took a few strained, unsatisfying breaths, trying to stop himself from crying. He wasn’t going to crumble. No crying allowed. He would… he would… the rest of that thought was pushed aside by the image of Phil’s unamused face, and his irritated words played on repeat in Dan’s head.
“Stupid, stupid fuck,” Dan croaked, grabbing a fistful of his hair. That didn’t help ground him either. The thoughts kept flooding his mind, bumping into each other, sucking air out of his lungs. Why did he always have to take things one step too far? Why did he always have to prove something? Half the time, he didn’t even know what he was trying to achieve. He just yapped away like a broken record. And Phil’s had enough of his bullshit. He didn’t exactly put it that way, but Dan knew. His tone said it for him.
Dan blinked away the burning behind his eyes and looked around the room, desperately searching for a distraction. His gaze fell on a snap-off knife, sitting on his desk next to a haphazardly stacked pile of textbooks and loose sheets of paper, tiny blade peeking out of the bright green plastic case. It was within arm's reach. How long has it been since he’d last hurt himself? He could hardly recall the sensation. It’s been more than a year.
Dan turned away from the desk, draped his duvet over his head and buried his face into his pillow. Phil would be so disappointed if Dan hurt himself. Did it matter, though? Didn’t they just break up? Dan wasn’t sure. He’s never been in a relationship before; he wasn't quite certain about what the protocol was or how it was supposed to feel.
Just as his breathing began to even out and his mind started to settle down, he heard someone talking. He couldn’t make out the words through the heavy duvet, but the voice set off all the alarms in his head.
There was a man in his room.
Dan threw the duvet aside and bolted upright, staring at the tall, bleach-blond man who was standing by the door, barefoot and wearing Minecraft pyjamas and a loose black t-shirt. He was looking at Dan with a mixed expression that Dan couldn’t quite interpret.
“Who the fuck are you?!” Dan shouted and jumped to his feet as a jolt of adrenaline shot through his veins. He intended to grab anything remotely close to a weapon, but just as he turned his head, his vision got all funny, his legs turned into jelly, and the whole world seemed to spin around him. He lost balance and stumbled forward, but instead of falling over as usual when his blood pressure acted out, he found himself in the strange man’s arms.
“Easy. Okay. Here we go,” the man muttered, sitting Dean down on the floor. The boy quickly regained his composure, swatted at the man’s hands as if they were a swarm of crawling bugs, and pushed himself away from him until his back hit the edge of the bed. Which was really only something over a metre in his tiny room.
“Danny,” the man said with a blend of amusement and confusion in his voice, crouching to get on Dan’s eye level. His mouth stretched into a wide, fond smile. “Aww, you’re just a fetus. I barely recognised you.”
“Who are you calling fetus, Rapunzel?!” Dan shot back, pushing his chin up defensively.
The older man laughed heartily, sitting down cross-legged, his knee almost touching Dan’s leg.
“Don’t you know me, Danny?”
Dan opened and closed his mouth a few times, but no words came out. He studied the man’s face for a few moments.
“Phil?” he asked, calmer but no less confused. There was no doubt. That nose, those cheekbones, those warm blue eyes that were so annoyed with him only half an hour ago… but... what was with the rest?
“Yes,” Phil whispered, sighing and taking in the soft features of Dan’s baby face with a tender, nostalgic glint in his eyes.
“Stop gawking at me like that,” Dan said, watching the man with distrust. His heart was hammering almost painfully, and his lungs were back in the crushing grip of building anxiety.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Phil said gently, reaching for Dan’s shivering arm.
The room was cold and the floor even colder, he only now began to realise. The damn heating must’ve been out again.
“I’m not scared,” Dan retorted, his heart jumping when warm, soft fingers touched his skin. “How… how did this happen?!”
Phil shrugged. “I just…” He shrugged again, looking around the room. “I don't know, I just appeared here.”
“And you don’t see that as problematic, do you?!” Dan demanded. “Did you–did you walk through some wacky portal or something? The last time I checked, you were twenty-three and emo. Why are you blond and old?”
Phil laughed. “No, I didn’t. I’m supposed to be this age. I just… went to bed and then I was here.”
“Well, that’s not reassuring!” Dan exclaimed, his voice cracking at the end. “What’s going on?!”
“I don’t know,” Phil said calmly. “But maybe we’ll figure it out together, okay?”
Dan nodded. “Yeah, I guess,” he said and let Phil help him back to his feet.
“Sit down before you attack the floor again, yeah?” Phil said, and Dan sat down on the bed and pulled his legs up without a word, watching the older man cross the room. Phil unzipped Dan’s backpack and pulled out his large water bottle as if he knew exactly where Dan kept it. Then he grabbed the wet coat and hat from the floor and hung them on a hook by the door, opened the bottle and handed it to Dan as he sat down next to him.
“Drink. Slowly. Don’t you dare faint on me,” Phil said.
Dan took a few small sips, watching this not-his Phil cautiously. He shivered with cold, and his mind instantly went back to Phil’s (the real one) flat. They could have been cuddling in his warm bed, hadn’t he gotten himself kicked out. Instead, he was sitting here with… whatever Back to the Future nonsense that was. And his socks were wet from tramping through the slushy snow outside.
“Where's your Phil?” the blond man asked, setting the bottle on the floor when Dan handed it back.
Dan fluffed up his fringe absent-mindedly, chewing on the inside of his cheek. His Phil…
“We…” he started, but his voice died in his throat, and the building emotions overpowered him at last. A few tears rolled down his cheeks. He quickly wiped them off and pressed a hand over his mouth, trying to stifle a sob.
“Oh, Danny Bear,” Phil said gently, wrapping his arms around the younger boy and rubbing his back in a soothing pattern.
That was the final straw. The nickname and the back rub were too familiar, too intimate, too… Phil. But his Phil wasn’t there. Dan buried his face in the older man’s shoulder and shuddered violently with the sobs that he couldn’t hold back any longer.
“I fucked up,” he choked out. “W–we had a fight and–and–”
“Shh, okay, it’s okay,” Phil said, one hand firmly around the boy’s waist, the other gently scratching his back. Dan shifted, the sideways hug was uncomfortable for both of them but he still clung to the older man as if he was the only steady point in the entire universe. He didn’t care anymore; the man smelled like Phil, talked like Phil, and at that point, Dan was willing to settle for a blond knock-off.
Phil whispered soothing words into Dan’s ear for a few minutes until he suddenly let go and pulled away.
“Wait!” Dan said in alarm, frantically grabbing the man. Phil lost his balance, and they both toppled down on the mattress.
“Ugh! Ow!” Dan groaned and started squirming when he realised that he pulled the older man’s full weight on top of himself.
“I’m sorry! I was just… trying to get more comfortable, not… this was not… I didn’t mean… my–my back really hurt and I–I–” Phil stammered, scrambling off to the side, and letting out a panicked shriek as his knee slipped off the bed along with half of his body. He froze in a rather undignified position, staring at Dan.
Dan stared back, wide-eyed, for a few moments before breaking into hysterical laughter. Phil chuckled, clutching the mattress for dear life, watching the younger boy roll onto his back, cackling. However, his laughter soon died off and turned into a heavy sigh. Dan ran a palm over his flushed face and carded his fingers through his hair, tugging on it lightly. Phil pulled himself back up, keeping as respectful a distance as possible on the tiny bed.
“So… let’s entertain the idea that you are Phil from the future. Or an alternate universe. Or whatever,” Dan said tonelessly.
“Yeah?” Phil prompted, shifting and tucking an arm beneath his head.
“Does… does this mean that we didn’t break up?” Dan asked, words coming out with difficulty.
Phil smiled. “Well, my Dan and I have been together for sixteen years now.”
“Sixteen years,” Dan whispered in disbelief, his face screwing with emotion. “And I fucked it up after one.”
Phil sighed and reached out to brush a few rogue strands of hair away from Dan’s face.
“What happened, Danny Bear? Why did you have a fight?” he asked.
“You don’t know?” Dan glanced at him, turning to his side.
“I can’t remember any bad fight. At that age… all I remember is that I loved you so much it physically hurt. And I still do, every single day. Well, the age-appropriate version of you, of course.” Phil watched the younger boy’s unhappy face with an amused smile. “It’ll be okay, Danny Bear. Phil loves you more than you’ll ever know. He probably hadn’t even noticed that you had a fight. What did he say to you?”
Dan sighed, trying to catch a coherent thought in his busy mind, but he was awfully cold, and Phil’s words made his breath hitch and brought back the burning behind his eyes.
“Do you want a cuddle?” Phil offered.
Dan opened and closed his mouth, his voice betraying him again. A few tears escaped his efforts to keep it together. Phil gave him a sympathetic smile and wiped the tears off with his thumb.
“Come here, Danny Bear,” he said gently. All hesitation flew out the window. Dan shuffled closer, sighing with relief when the warmth of Phil’s body embraced him like a heated cocoon and a soothing hand started rubbing his back.
“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Phil whispered, pressing a soft, long kiss on Dan’s forehead. Dan wrapped an arm around the older man’s torso.
“Thank you,” he whispered back, the stress and anxiety slowly leaving his body.
“Will you tell me what happened?” Phil prompted.
Dan sighed. “I said a bunch of stupid shit.”
“You need to narrow it down, kid.”
“Shut up.”
Phil chuckled.
“I just… I don’t even know, I was being a twat, I was being annoying on purpose, as a joke, but I took it too far, and then he was like, go home and calm the fuck down, I’ve got important stuff to do,” Dan said, huffing. It sounded so stupid now that he said it out loud.
“That’s… not a fight, Danny,” the older man said. “Phil loves it when you’re annoying. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time. I honestly can’t even remember. Just call him and say sorry. It’ll be fine.”
“You think?” Dan asked doubtfully.
“Of course,” Phil assured him. “Hey, can I tell you something?”
“What?”
“Soon you’ll have a lot of big decisions to make. And… I need you to promise me that you’ll trust your gut even if it’s scary,” Phil said slowly.
“Okay,” Dan whispered despite the strange heaviness that settled on his stomach.
“Do you want to know another thing?”
“Mhm.”
“The emo hair won’t be a thing forever. In about ten years, you’ll snap and get a curly mullet.”
“What?!” Dan shrieked, pulling away instantly. “You’re lying.”
Phil laughed. “Yeah, they’ll be fashionable again. But more importantly, you’ll be happy, and confident, and very, very yourself. Everything will work out for you. I promise, okay?”
Dan nodded, sighing and closing his eyes. He was exhausted. He snuggled tightly against Phil’s chest, squeezing him to say the things he couldn’t quite put into words at the moment.
***
Dan woke up with a start at the sound of a door opening and closing.
“Hello?” he said into the darkness, sitting up quickly.
“It’s me,” Phil whispered. His Phil. “Can I turn the lights on?”
“Phil!” Dan jumped to his feet, tripped over a bottle by his bed and lost his balance, but still managed to grab his unprepared boyfriend, effectively sending them both crashing to the floor.
“Ow!” Phil groaned, laughing. “Dan, you absolute menace. I’ll get you a walker and a collar with a little bell, I swear. You’re a danger to society.”
Dan giggled, wiping his eyes. “Phil, I’m sorry I was such a twat.”
“I’m sorry I lost it on you. I was… stressed about those upload errors. I shouldn’t have kicked you out. And I’m sorry I woke you up. Didn’t expect you to go to sleep this early,” Phil said, finding Dan’s face in the dark and caressing his cheek. Dan smiled with relief and shifted closer so he could hug and kiss his boyfriend.
“It’s okay, I’m glad you did. I had the freakiest dream,” he said, got to his feet, slow and careful this time, and turned on the lights. He picked up the bottle and placed it on his dresser next to a… belt. He frowned in confusion. What on earth was a belt doing in his room? Did Phil put it there, trying to tell him something? And if so… which Phil?
“I brought you some Maltesers,” Phil said, redirecting Dan’s attention. “You can have them and tell me all about that dream, if you want.”
Dan shook his head. “Nah. Just… don’t ever let me get a curly mullet, yeah?”
Phil snorted. “How did you even think of that?! But hey… I think you could pull it off.”
“Shut the fuck up!”