Chapter Text
ARCHIVIST
So why not kill me before?
MICHAEL
I had hoped that you would stop the Unknowing first, destroy the workings of I-Do-Not-Know-You. But instead you are here, and may bring it about faster. So better your death happens now.
ARCHIVIST
I-is there anything I can do to stop you from killing me?
Michael
… You know what? I’ve actually got a really fun idea.
…
(knocking)
Martin
(somewhat annoyed) What is it?
(somewhat concerned) Also… do I know you? You look familiar.
Michael
I’ve got a present for you
And no. I’m just… a well-wisher.
Martin
… Is this a hamster cage?
Michael
(audible shrug) It’s what they had
Martin
(rustling of examining cage)
… It’s not even a good hamster cage, just one of those crummy plastic ones that are way too small and easily escapable. I mean, is that thing even 30 cm by 30 cm?
… Do you hate animals?
Michael
Has nobody ever taught you to appreciate a gift?
Martin
This? This isn’t a gift.
(huff of a laugh) This is an embarrassment.
Michael
Look, if you’re going to be rude I can take it back
Tim
(groan, sound of getting up from desk and walking over)
(somewhat annoyed) You’re not supposed to give pets as gifts anyway. Is this like, I don’t know, a cursed hamster meant for artifact storage?
(pitiful squeaking sound)
Tim
Huh
Michael
What?
Tim
Aren’t you that guy with the door?
Michael
(long sigh) Yes
(gasps)
Michael
But look. I’m not here to kill you.
Tim
(flat) Right.
Michael
If you’d just let me finish.
(silence)
Michael
Thank you. So here, in this amazing enclosure that I so painstakingly opened a door into the pet store and stole the materials for, is your Archivist.
Tim
(flat) What?
Martin
(hopeful, confused) Jon?
Jon
(pitiful miserable squeaking sound)
Martin
(enraged) What did you do to him?!?
Michael
The Unknowing wanted to use his skin for their ritual.
I made it so they could no longer do that.
Martin
(shrill, increasing pitch) By turning him into a bat?!?
Michael
Precisely.
Now, enjoy your new pet
Martin
He’s not a pet -
Tim (interrupting)
And are those wood shavings?
Michael
Look. I know nothing about bats, okay?
Martin
(incredulous) Then why did you turn him into one?!?
Michael
Oh, that’s simple physics.
Evening bats have far less skin than humans.
Tim
(flat) What?
Michael
He no longer has enough skin to be useful
(laughter)
Now I really must be going
(creepy laughter)
(closing door)
Tim
Well.
You’re really in it this time, boss.
Jon
(miserable squeaking sound)