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The court yard was where Arthur found him. Well, under one of the arches of the outdoor corridor, to be precise. He was sitting with his knees to his chest, his eyes glazed over as he watched the snow drift silently onto the palace grounds. Arthur could almost mistake this for a painting, if he ignored Merlin's small yet incessant shiverings.
"You'll catch a cold you know."
After a moment of stillness, Merlin finally turned his head upward towards Arthur, but he just shook his head before turning back towards the snow again. Arthur sighed as he took his fur lined cape off, draping it over Merlin's shivering form.
"I didn't choose being the prince you know." He began as he joined Merlin in watching the snow. "I'm just a person, like everyone in Camelot, the only difference is that I have a crown on my apparently empty head."
"Arthur I-
"The golden prince, the best warrior in the five kingdoms, the model noble, I'm surprised my head still fits in the crown." Arthur huffed out a laugh at that. "But I’ve heard the back talk.” His eyes turned down, cheeks gradually flushing up more and more, from the cold or the rising emotions Merlin couldn’t tell. “bully, puppet, flower vase. I thought you were different, I thought you were someone who sees the person behind those words. I am my father's son, but you know...I think for myself too."
At this time Merlin stood up, there was an intensity between his furrowed brows and clenched fists that Arthur had never seen before. "Arthur Pendragon, you listen to me for once in your miserable life. There is no one who thinks of you as highly as I do. I had someone I loved, I had a father, I had someone who saw me who I really am, but I gave them all up. I gave them all up for someone that might want to kill me if he knew who I really was so forgive me my lord for not wanting to die at your hands!"
"How could you even think that I would lay a finger on you?” The flush was now definitely from a rising temper. “Have all our years of friendship meant nothing? I’m just a mindless, order following ruffian aren’t I?”
Merlin just silently shook his head, there was no use in trying to raise his voice above Arthur’s. He didn’t trust himself to speak either, any words that come out would just be a pathetic croak now.
“What an absolute fool I must look like.” Arthur gave a snicker. “Dancing round and round like a clown, not even able to rule a kingdom by himself. I think the world of you, Merlin, I thought… well it doesn’t matter what I think doesn’t it? I mean I completely understand! I’d get a kick from seeing the king of Camelot bumbling around acting like the fool he is, getting nowhere with his bleeding heart.
You know I try… I tried to be someone who you'd be proud of. I won't try denying, I live to please, but I don't think I've ever pleased anyone in my life.” He paused, paused like a man who stood before a precipice that must be leapt off because it was now or never but maybe this was something that should never see the light of day… he plowed on, “I'll try to be the man you think I am Merlin, for you I'll always try, you know why?"
Merlin could tell that Arthur was a mess right now. These words that Merlin had never even imagined Arthur saying were tumbling out of his mouth in an incoherent, rambling mess. He studied Arthur, his new blue and gold clothing specifically tailored for the Yule banquet now had little wet spots from the melting snow, his light hair was dotted with snow, he was shivering… or trembling but most of all his eyes were glazed with tears. This had to be the effect of one too many goblets of wine.
But he still humoured Arthur. "Why?"
The tears spilled out motionlessly, quietly, just like the secret Arthur had buried deep within his heart. "Because I love you, Merlin." With that he pulled on the cape draped around Merlin and slotted their lips over one another.
Merlin froze for a moment before he could register what was happening. It was all he could do to not melt into the kiss, to not kiss Arthur back. He wanted to kiss the tears off his face and never have him cry again. But all he did was grow a mistletoe between them. Nothing could come out of this.
Arthur quickly pulled back when he realized that Merlin wasn't kissing back. He stared at Merlin, almost as if demanding an explanation. So Merlin just smiled wryly and pointed to the mistletoe between them, Arthur's eyes widened as he understood Merlin's intentions.
Merlin was walking away when he heard Arthur's voice again, trembling, breaking to pieces, unsure. "Don't you dare walk out on me Merlin. I love you and I know that you love me."
Merlin stopped but didn't turn around. "Careful, that crown'll burst any second now." He tried to make his tone sound light and teasing but it came out as trembling and as strained as Arthur's. Just when he decided that he would keep on walking away, he felt a warm figure embrace his.
"Please don't do this Merlin, please, I beg you." The last three words were whipsered but Merlin heard them and they rang in his head.
When did the proudest person he'd ever known beg?
"Arthur, you'll never have to beg for anything from me, you don't have to "try" to be the man I know you are. I love you just simply for who you are and I don't want you to ever change." By now Merlin had turned around in Arthur's embrace and cupped his rosy face with his hands. "I love you when your lips are red from your anxious chewing, I love you when your cheeks are flushed from anger, I love you when your eyes are filled with unshed tears, I love you when your teeth shows in your gentle smile. I love you for your pure heart, I love you for your blunt tongue, I love you for your jealousy, I love you for your uneven temper, I love you, flaws and all."
At this, Arthur cracked a teary smile, showing his slightly crooked teeth. "Truly?"
"Truly, I'll be forever yours if you wish so."
With that Merlin enveloped them both in Arthur's cape with an overdue embrace.
