Chapter Text
To be honest, the only good thing to come out of this scenario is the fact he doesn't have to pay for college anymore. That's a win in his book, because college was going to be very pricey and he wasn’t looking to be thousands of dollars in debt.
Or course, he was hoping to graduate high school first before going to college, and then maybe go into astrology. And
then
go into space. If he even wanted to study astrology or whatever you call looking at the stars and whatever NASA does.
Techno has skipped a few steps somewhere, and is now at the finish line before he has even started. Which is to say, he's currently in space. Further than even the moon, like Techno now has bragging rights for being the first human to ever venture out further than the moon. He’s never wanted these bragging rights, he's not even all that interested in space and those floating chunks of space rocks.
But hey, at least he now knows what zoo animals feel like now. That's a positive?
Listen, he's trying to find at least one positive in being abducted by aliens, whisked off into space and then put on display like an eccentric exotic pet. There's not a lot of positives to be found.
At least his cage is nice.
It doesn't offer any privacy at all, being a clear type of plastic circle-rectangle cage in the middle of the spacious room. It's even set on a pedestal three steps above the floor, so that Techno has the best view of all the other poor creatures in the room.
It also gives the rich alien dude a good view of him, along with all of the rich guy’s friends who just seem to love gawking and staring at him. Techno can’t understand them all that well, which, no duh, they’re aliens. They absolutely seem to love his hair though, always pointing at it, and a round of gasps always rang out around the room when he would flip his long hair over his shoulder. He wishes that he has something to tie up his hair. Or even brush it.
Other than that, there's nothing really all that interesting. There's a plushie cushion in the middle of the room that's meant to be his bed. He uses it, because it's so much better than sleeping on the cold hard ground, and Techno is pretty sure that the cushion is heated. His food comes in a weird goop and he eats it no matter what it is because Techno has already been force fed once. He’s not looking for a repeat.
Techno feels like a zoo animal, but one of those zoo animals from a backyard zoo because
there is nothing to do
. Techno would kill someone for a rubix cube right now. There is nothing in his cage, and he can only be in his mind for so long before bad thoughts start barging in and it's not like he can stop them. There's no enrichment in his cell. Even zoo animals get enrichment, and people in prisons.
He’s so fucking bored. He has even started exercising just to do something! It must be extremely unhealthy to work out for what seems like eight hours a day, but he’s so bored.
It was during one of these manic exercise episodes when the rich alien guy came into the room. Usually the rich alien gets one of the smaller versions of himself to feed all the other alien pets, but that smaller alien took like one look at him before running out of the room.
The bastard didn’t even give Technoblade his food. It was green goop day, he was looking forward to the worst tasting goop in the roster. The smaller alien brings the rich alien into the room and starts pointing at Technoblade.
The rich alien brought its four three fingered hands to its mouth when the smaller one pointed at Technoblade erratically. The smaller one, which Technoblade has started to call Dave, seems to be pointing at the human, more specifically, Technoblade’s hair.
You see, before Technoblade was kidnapped by aliens, he had dyed his hair. Pink to be exact. It was super expensive because he had to bleach it, and then put the pink hair color in and hairdressers charge up the ass. It didn’t quite help that his hair was longer than most males of his species, but at least he didn’t have a mullet. His foster parents hated it, but they couldn’t really do anything before he got alien-napped.
Now, the thing with getting your hair dyed, is that hair grows out. It also fades with washes, but Technoblade hasn’t even had a shower since becoming the first man in space so it's still vibrant. Hair grows out, and Technoblade’s natural hair colour is decidedly not pink.
So Rich, the rich alien, gestures to Dave quickly. Like there was something urgent and then a fucking door opens in Technoblade’s cage.
Technoblade freezes, because he didn’t know that there was a door to enter his cage and it is kinda concerning when Rich, an alien that has about 50 pounds on him, enters his cage. It's making cooing noises, making itself smaller as it corners Technoblade in the cage.
Because of course Techno isn’t going to let some weird guy grab him without a fight. Technoblade considers ducking underneath Rich’s arm and make a break for the door, when Dave comes back with what seems to be a container of some kind. Right at the entrance of the door.
It opens up to show a whole host of medical tools, and Technoblade stops at that sight. This lapse in attention allows Rich to give Technoblade a bear hug and capture him. Technoblade starts thrashing, but these aliens have four arms, and Technoblade has four limbs.
The math works out.
Techno can’t move all that well anymore, with how Rich is holding onto him. The larger alien brings Technoblade over to Dave, who titters closer and Rich sits down. Dave reaches up to Technoblade’s head, more specifically his hair and starts to lightly pull on it. Techno goes to bite at the hand nearing him, and that keeps Dave at bay for the first time, but Rich grabs the underside of his jaw with his three fingers and squeezes them close.
There's an entire medical checkup that Technoblade is subjected to. They check out his teeth, and give them a cleaning at the same time. They pulled out some of his hair, and also took samples of his nails, his eyebrows and his eyelashes. They make him tear up and take the tear before it rolls down his cheek and over all just harass him in general.
They let him go after a while, and Technoblade skitters back into his cage. Away from the door as the aliens leave his cage and the door melds back into the walls. It's seamless, and it only makes an escape attempt that much harder.
Techno sighs after the aliens scurry away, leaving the room. And, Techno realises moment to later, they don't come back with food. In fact, they haven't fed the room at all and these aliens like to keep a routine and they've broken it.
He bounces on his gel cushion bed thing, and lies there. He's kinda hungry, and the meals that they give him are enough to keep him from starting until the next meal, but they never really satisfy.
The other animals, like the blue koala bear crossed with a giraffe, are also mad that these aliens have broken the routine.
An hour has passed, or what seems to be an hour. Time does not become easy to tell when there is nothing to indicate the passage of time. Sure, this room full of exotic, alien pets has windows, but they're fake. It's the same static screen until it switches over when these aliens have their "night".
Finally, these aliens come back with food, and it's just Dave again. He's rolling the trolley that hovers, feeding each animal its meal. Techno is always last because he has the honor of being in the center of the room.
Finally, it's his turn. And the plate that has the green goop is slid in the little compartment where the door was. Techno doesn't move from his bed, but is waiting for Dave to leave and close the cubby. They don't give him the grub if he's waiting by the door, and Techno hates to say that they've trained him.
(It's exactly what they've done, who is he kidding?)
Another thing is rolled into his cage. And then the compartment is closed. Now he can get the food, and it's awful disgusting texture. It's like jello, but without the bounce and the fruity flavour. Meat jello.
The thing that rolled into his cage is a ball. A bright, shiny colorful ball that looks like it belongs to a toddler. He grabs it before making his way over to the bowl of grub and just starts drinking the alien jello. They don't give him utensils.
He finishes the goop in record time, because it's green goop day and it's the most disgusting goop of them all. They seem to love giving this type to him. He pushes the bowl and platter back to the cubby and goes back to the gel bed with the ball in tow.
Like any kid, the first thing he does is tests how heavy it is, he tosses it up into the air then catches it. He tests how bouncy it is, in that the answer to that question is very.
So he throws the ball as hard as he can at the wall and laughs as it becomes an actual projectile missile.
It's a lot of entertainment, and he enjoys it so much that the aliens just keep giving him more. Two more balls, a couple sticks and even a giant log that's wedged into the wall.
They did drug him and knock him out to put the mini-tree into his cage, but Technoblade can now be like his ancestors and go back to monkey. God does he miss memes.
He doesn't get as bored anymore, which is great. And even the guests that Rich uses to show off his wealth seem excited when Technoblade does something other than sit in his cushion bed, but Rich and Dave still look at him worryingly.
He ignores it, because if they still continue to look at him then maybe at some point he’ll get a trampoline. It's a pipe dream, but he’s still hoping. They’ve so far have given him quite a bit at this point, and have even started to feed him solids!
In hindsight, ignoring their concerns might not have been the best of plans. For although there wasn’t another medical checkup, Rich started to bring in other aliens into the room. And they kept gesturing to him and most of them just did their own version of ‘no’ and walked away.
There's a whole plethora of ways that ‘no’ can be said in body language, and good news for future humans! Shaking the head is one of those ways!
The one alien who doesn't shake his head ‘no’ is an ugly guy. He's tiny, probably half the size of Rich, but built like a shit brick house. It's a weird mix-up between a centaur if centaurs were dogs and had upper halves of lizardmen.
Technoblade almost regrets what he does, but in his defense, he was bored and wanted to see the aliens’ reactions to something that could be perceived as violent. He's been a good boy, his teachers would be absolutely proud of him. For once. He hasn’t caused a lot of problems for Rich, except for the times he didn’t want to eat at first. He's been a perfect angel.
So perfect that people would ask him if he was sick at all. But they aren’t here and Technoblade wants to push against the rules for a second because even good boys do bad sometimes.
So when Rich is standing behind the lizard-dog centaur, Technoblade is currently lounging in his tree. Lizard-dog centaur is looking at Technoblade closely, as if looking for the best box of cereal from the shelf. Unluckily for the alien, this gave Technoblade the perfect shot.
Taking one of the baseball sized balls that they’ve given him, Technoblade stood up on his tree. It wasn’t a flat even ground, but it was good enough for Techno to take aim, wind up and fire the shiny baseball directly at the lizard centaur. Rich cowers right away, as the ball created a crack in the cage right where the ball landed. It was hilarious the way that they just stood there and watched Techno do all this for a few seconds, and they didn’t even try to stop him.
Using all this power caused Techno to become out of balance, and he front flips to the ground. He whistles at the crack he caused, smiling at his handy work. He now knows the perfect way to escape. Then his eyes focused on the alien standing behind the crack, who had not moved a muscle.
Using meme format, it was at this moment that Techno knew, he fucked up. Rich is still cowering, even when Lizard says something to him. The crack in the cage now allows Techno to hear what they are saying, which is a super plus, even if he’s about to lose all his enrichment privileges.
Then Lizard repeats it and Rich unfurls from his cowering motion and starts doing one of those positive head gestures.
Now, correct Technoblade if he's wrong, but he thinks he just got bartered away.