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Raven hair blew in the wind as the figure of a young girl ran towards a small dry well standing alone in the middle of a field. Golden eyes tracked her movements, laced with pain and regret, as she jumped over the edge in a burst of blue light.
A figure in red leapt down from the tree it had been hiding in and slowly approached the well. Silver ears lowered as he caught the scent of salt in the air. A clawed hand reached out to touch lightly the edge of the wood, as the young man felt a sharp pain in his chest.
Inuyasha’s eyes closed, a curious burning in them even though his eyes themselves were dry.
He had lost her.
No, he hadn’t lost her,; you couldn’t lose something that was never yours to begin with.
First, it was the damn wolf, and Inuyasha growled at the image of Koga holding her hands after she had forced him to the ground with the damn beads. Inuyasha had been forced to watch, his temper flaring, as the wolf simpered over her and she fucking let him . Then, rather than tell her how it made him feel, the strange mix of anger, hurt, and a dark, bitter feeling he didn’t quite understand, he yelled at her, said her actions were disgusting, and she had flounced away in a huff.
Then…
Inuyasha dropped to his knees, his forehead coming to rest against the edge of the well as he sighed. It was for the best, really, it was. His time was too dangerous, especially for someone who had grown up not knowing what it meant to go hungry, not having to worry about yokai attacks, famine, drought… everyday occurrences to him, but so foreign to her.
It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
Somehow, in the brief period of time he had known her, the future-born miko had grabbed hold of him in a way no one else had. Not even Kikyo, the woman he had once thought he loved. Oh, how wrong he had been.
And that was the irony of it all.
It wasn’t the danger that pushed her away. It was his past, a past that he had unknowingly made his present with a single thoughtless whisper from surprise.
Inuyasha knew what it had looked like: Kikyo wrapped in his arms under the tree, their tree . He knew what he had said, telling Kikyo to call for him as he had drawn her close, closer than he had ever held her in the past. He hadn’t even known someone else was there; he had been so lost in his own thoughts, his own sense of failure, that he had missed the scent of vanilla and cherry blossoms in the wind.
And then he had turned, and saw the wide, wounded, brown eyes staring at him from the edge of the trees, her expressive and heartbreakingly beautiful face stunned. He couldn’t say a word as his eyes met hers, the tears he saw forming had him holding his tongue.
And then she was gone, a swirl of green and white as she turned and fled back to the village.
And he…
He let her go. Not following her had been the hardest thing he had ever forced himself to do. He had even stayed in the forest, not wanting to upset her any further after that. He didn’t know how to explain it, not without making things worse.
He had fucked up, and he knew it.
He sighed as he pushed himself to his feet, moving away from the well, forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other.
The others were still in Kaede’s hut when he drew close to the village. It was just as well; he really didn’t want to have to deal with any of them just the…
“… what it could have been, the look in her eye was just…” Sango’s voice reached his ears as he stopped, half afraid of what they were talking about.
“Defeated?” Miroku responded, and from Sango’s silence Inuyasha could only assume she had nodded.
“Inuyasha-baka!” Shippo exploded “It’s all his fault. I bet it has something to do with Kikyo, just like always.”
Inuyasha had heard enough. He spun and ran as far as he could, not stopping until he reached the edge of a cliff, staring down at the land below him.
Kagome, I’m sorry , he thought, trapped in his own mind. I can’t leave Kikyo alone after all... and so, Kagome, I can’t see you anymore. I mustn't see you anymore.
Because if he saw her one more time, his resolve would break, and he wouldn’t be able to let her go. None of them knew, none of them knew how fast and how deep he had fallen for Kagome, and he couldn’t let them, let anyone know. It was safer, she was safer, if he kept quiet, and so he had. And now, no one would believe him if he suddenly yelled his feelings to the world.
None of them would understand; none of them could understand.
Kikyo was the first person to show him kindness, and he was the first one she started to let in. And it was the beginning of their feelings for each other that had led to her demise. No, he hadn’t been the one to strike the final blow, but the attacker had borne his face, had gotten close to her because of his choices, so he may as well have killed her himself. She had lived for 18 years defending herself, never letting down her guard, and then, for one second, one moment where she let herself dream of being a regular woman, Kikyo had left herself vulnerable and paid the price for it.
Now that she was back, even if she was a shade of her former self, he owed it to her, to himself, to protect her, to defend her from Naraku. That was the vow he had given her.
But he knew if Kagome was there and in danger, he would not hesitate to protect her over Kikyo. He had nothing to his name, no possessions other than his sword and clothing; all he had was his honor and his word. And he would have no qualms breaking those to keep her alive, yet once he had, how could he ever hope to show that he was worthy of being near her?
It had been three days: three of the longest days of his life. Three days since he had seen her face, heard her laugh, smelled the scent that was purely Kagome. He sat at the base of the Goshinboku, his amber eyes closed as he tried to tune out the voices of his friends asking him again why he had not gone after Kagome.
There was a simple reason for it.
If he went through the well, he would have to say goodbye. And as perverse as it seemed, if he didn’t say goodbye, if he didn’t use the words, it meant that it wasn’t final. That he wasn’t closing the door on the one thing that gave him hope, that made him feel truly accepted, that gave him strength.
“Sango and I will leave first morning to investigate the remains of the castle.” Miroku’s words pulled him out of his musings; they had finally moved on to a safer topic.
“What about you, Inuyasha?” Sango asked, her head tilting.
“What about-?! I’m going, of course.” Inuyasha pushed himself to his feet.
“All right, but what of Kagome?”
Or… or not. Inuyasha’s ears and shoulders drooped. “Ne…never mind Kagome.,” he forced out, trying not to let them know how much the words hurt.
“What will you gain by putting it off?” Miroku demanded, his eyes narrowed. “If your heart is decided, you should go and see her.”
“He’s always eager to put it off…” Sango’s voice dropped in anger, and Inuyasha felt his own temper rise in response.
“Why you…” he growled, his fists clenching as the threads of anger frayed. “Why are you two so desperate to come between me and Kagome!” he roared, then froze, realizing what he had admitted.
“You don’t want us to?” Miroku smirked, his eyes twinkling, and Inuyasha knew in that moment Miroku understood more than Inuyasha wanted him to.
“It’s not about what I want…” Inuyasha mumbled, his cheeks flushing with a mixture of anger, shame, and sadness as he thought of his last encounter with Kikyo. “I have to protect Kikyo, and that means I can never ask Kagome to come back.” His eyes closed for a moment as he took a deep breath, steeling himself for the disapproval of his friends… his pack’s faces, but they were gone when he looked up, leaving him once again alone with his thoughts.
That’s how it is… I can never ask her ,” Inuyasha growled as he dug his claws into his palms, not feeling the skin break. I… I have to see her, tell her farewell —the thought made his heart clench and his stomach drop— or else… I’ll never be able to move on.
Who was he kidding? He would never be able to move on from Kagome. Everything just seemed empty without her. But she would be safe: she wouldn’t be hurt by his promise to Kikyo, she wouldn’t be able to be used against him, she wouldn’t die .
Inuyasha slowly made his way through the woods towards the well, his ears and face lowering with each step. The world around him reflected his anguish, the sun hidden behind a cloud, casting the forest into a pale gloom. He felt as though he was walking through mud with chains wrapped around his legs, his heart heavy with the pain of what he was about to do. He didn’t know if he would have the strength to go through with it once he saw her face, but he had to try. He would only have one chance before his resolve would crumble…
As he stepped into the field, the clouds shifted, and a single beam of light broke through to illuminate the well…
And the raven-haired figure dressed in green and white who sat on the edge.
Kagome…
The world around him burst into color as chocolate brown eyes turned to meet his.
“Back in my own time… I … I thought about things.” Her voice washed over him, and he felt his senses come to life for the first time in three days. “About you and Kikyo and… about me.”
“Kagome… I…”
“I know.” Her head turned away and Inuyasha gulped, feeling the loss already. “I finally understand your feelings, and I didn’t think I could stay in this time any longer.”
And that was all it took for his resolve to crack. He couldn’t lose her… not without her knowing… he didn’t know what, exactly, but there were things that he had to say.
“Kagome… until I met you… I couldn’t trust anyone.” His voice was hesitant, he could hear it himself, and it was enough to make Kagome’s head turn to him in surprise. “But you cried, for my sake, you stayed by my side.” His voice became stronger, but his words were slow as he fought for the right way to express everything. “I… I feel lighter with you; my heart is calm. But…” he took a deep breath, “But… I can’t afford lightness or peace. Not when… not when Kikyo died chasing after me.” His eyes rose to meet hers: regret, and a little more, swirling in the amber orbs. “I have to protect her; I have to give Kikyo my life.”
“I know.” Now it was his turn to be shocked. “I can’t compete against Kikyo because I’m… I’m still alive.”
Inuyasha stared at Kagome, his heart beating too hard to make out her words as she continued to speak. His eyes scanned her form, memorizing the sight, her scent, as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
“…so I dug up the courage to come and see you.” He felt clenching around his heart as he finally heard her and realized she was the stronger of them both, having the courage to do what he could not.
“I… I want to stay with you. I won’t be able to forget you.”
He took a step closer as she spoke, his body drawn to hers without him realizing until he stood before her, unsure of how to answer.
“Inuyasha, just tell me one thing.”
“Yeah…?” He finally found his voice as she pushed off from the well, standing, but not moving any closer, but he struggled to keep it from cracking.
“Can I stay at your side?”
“You… want to stay…?” he repeated, not daring to hope he had heard her correctly. He knew he shouldn’t let her, that he should push her away, tell her to go home, but he just… he couldn’t. She was too close, and smelled too good, and for the first time in days he felt like he was truly alive. His breath caught as he waited for her answer.
His heart stuttered when Kagome’s lips curved into a soft smile.
“Yes.”
His eyes widened as she stepped next to him, her hand wrapping around his fingers. “Let’s go, Inuyasha.”
“Yeah…” he stammered, letting her pull him away from the well.
His fingers curled around her hand, squeezing slightly as he drew her to a stop, moving till his arm rested against hers. She turned her head to look up at him and he felt everything around him settle. It was something so simple, yet it meant so much, cradling her hand in his, protecting it, as he would protect her.
No, it wasn’t going to be easy, and he knew he would likely hurt her, but he had tried to push her away twice and she had seen through him and come back each time. She knew him better than he knew himself, and for the first time, the thought didn’t make him angry or scared.
I will protect you the best I can, Kagome , Inuyasha vowed to himself as they walked, hand in hand, toward the village. And one day… one day I will be able to let you know just how much you mean to me.