Chapter Text
“So, you like animals more than people?”
The plush chair Loki was sitting on was uncomfortably reminding him that he was still in the same room he always found himself in every other Thursday. Therapy wasn't even his idea. Apparently his recent friend group finally got fed up with Loki's ‘antics’ and decided to abandon him. Like a pet thrown out of a family home when it acts out too much. Everyone left, except one person - a woman that was almost as cynical and sarcastic as Loki, Hela. She was definitely the most annoying person in the group, Loki thought. She dressed in all dark colors, stayed quiet most of the time and laughed when children tripped in public spaces. Loki did too, but he was more discreet. He was sure if Hela was at a funeral she would be capable of looking at all the misery with a smile on her face. Loki didn't know if she was really insensitive or just very oblivious.
Well, she was the only one who reached out to Loki after their friend group threw Loki out like trash. In their defense, he knew they would do that sooner or later. It's not like he was a good friend to begin with. He lied a lot and one of those lies led to him being called out as a pathological liar and generally a bad person. Out of everyone Hela was standing passively in the backline, not helping him but also not accusing him or calling him a dick. One day later, completely surprised by a knock on his door, Loki was standing face to face with Hela. She didn't even ask if she could come in when she took her place on the couch with an unreadable expression. Loki was still standing by an open door when she declared her purpose for coming.
“I got you a therapist.” She then helped herself to a beer Loki had been drinking when she came and gave him a small business card. "Recommended by a friend.”
Loki laughed in her face. “I don't need a therapist. I just enjoy being a dick, as you all called me.” He tried to take back the beer but Hela pulled it closer to her chest and chugged the rest of it in one swing. “You need therapy more than me.”
The insult flew right past Hela's head. “You got more of this stuff?” There were cookies on the table too, and Hela, of course, took one of them without even asking. “This is good. You baked this yourself? I didn't know you stress baked.”
“Yes, yes and no I don't.” He yielded and brought two more bottles. He flopped next to Hela on the couch who was looking at him expectedly. “What? You are weirdly talkactive today, my dear Hela.”
“You are a dick but it doesn't mean you have to be.” She took a sip. “And something tells me it's not the first time you've lost friends in that way. I know your type. Mysterious and cold. Like villains in comics, except without plans to take over the world. Inside you all are rather pathetic.”
“How do you know I don't have plans to take over the world? I'm sure I could make myself look less pathetic this way.” He snorted and rolled his eyes. God, Hela was as annoying as always, except today she used more words to insult him. “If I'm such a bad person, why are you even here? Trying to what, help? ‘Help’ and ‘Hela’ in the same sentence doesn't make any sense.”
Hela narrowed her eyes and put back her beer on the table. “You may be a bad person, but you are a bad person I care about. People like villains in comics because they are interesting. Every villain becomes even more interesting after a redemption arc.”
“So you want me to get my ‘redemption arc’ by sending me to a therapist? Because you want my story to be more interesting to you? So selfless.” Loki's voice couldn't get more doubting if he tried. “I may be a comic artist but I don't want to share those characters’ fate.”
Hela shifted, looking almost uncomfortable. Another red flag, Hela is never uncomfortable. “As I said I know your types. It works, try it.”
It started looking like Hela was scheming something and Loki was not in the mood for talking about his mental state. “Fine, I'll check it out and have my ‘redemption’. Now leave.” He really just wanted her to leave him alone.
Unsurprisingly, the woman didn't need more encouragement. She probably didn't want to be there as much as Loki didn't want her to be there. She left, and took the unfinished beer and a couple of cookies with her.
This confrontation with his now probably ex-friend led to the current situation that had been going on for some time now. Maybe there was some foolish hope in Loki that it could be fixed, that he could be fixed. Maybe one day everything just got too much and he didn't have anywhere else to go. It didn't matter now. He was there, in the room with Mrs. Greenwood, sitting on an uncomfortable chair.
“If I have to choose between either of them, then yes.” Loki wasn't too talkactive during their sessions and it looked like his albeit patient therapist finally gave up on trying to get him to open up for that day.
“I also noted that you like drawing, correct?” She looked at him from under her glasses. “Maybe when you don't feel well you could go to a zoo or an animal shelter and relax?”
Loki scoffed. What was he, a toddler going to the zoo with his parents? There was nobody to buy him chocolate ice cream at the end of the day. Although, the thought of being around animals was a better alternative than sitting around people. And connecting it to the only thing that brought joy in his life might not be that bad of an idea. Loki's face still looked disinterested.
“You don't have to do it, but can you promise you’ll try?” She regarded Loki with the same calm stare she always wore. Sometimes Loki wondered if she even had emotions.
“Fine. Can I go?” He asked with a note of sarcasm, the same way he did whenever he got sent to the principal at school for misbehaving. His therapist sighed and watched him leave.
—
The Marvel Zoo was not too big. It housed a lot of different species but it wasn't as popular as other zoos in the country. The flow of people there was steady but small and there were parts of the day when it was practically empty. That was mostly around noon on working days, because most people were still at work this time of the day, and children were at school. Other times included very early morning, basically the first hour or two since opening, and the other was just before closing, when all families already went home. There were also days when, no matter the time, there were no visitors. Those were cold, rainy days when nobody wanted to be out of the comfort of their homes.
Loki worked from home. He got tasks to complete, comics pages to ink, with a deadline so as long as he finished it in time, he could work any time of the day or night. He loved his job, even if the pay wasn't all that high. He also didn't mind cold weather. He liked rain, but like most people, he liked it in the ‘sit under a blanket with a tea and a book’ type of way. But unlike most people, he could get comfortable almost everywhere, so as long as it wasn't too cold or too rainy Loki was willing to sacrifice the warmth of his apartment for some time without people around.
Rain was gently falling through the sky, an umbrella wasn't necessary. Loki was only dressed in a black coat with his hood pulled up, looking matching to the weather - miserable. The rain would stop every now and then, and then resume after a few minutes as if uncertain if it should rain. Uncertain just like Loki who was going towards a big gate with a big sign on it reading “Marvel Zoo”. Loki knew it also has some spots near the enclosures with canopy over the benches to hide from rain.
The cashier looked at him weirdly, probably not expecting anyone to visit in such weather. Loki exchanged money for his ticket and entered the zoo as quickly as possible. It was empty, not a soul. Well, there were souls if Loki believed animals had them.
He ventured deeper, sweeping through the paths like a ghost. Some animals even looked at him in what could be described as wonder, not used to seeing anyone during rain. They lost interest after one glance, visibly enjoying the lack of people staring at them most of the time of the day. He passed giraffes, zebras and water buffalos until he found what he had been looking for.
Before him stretched out a big enclosure with tall grass and low trees. And amidst those grasses, beneath one of the trees laid a magnificent, golden figure. Its mane was a bit sagged with rain but it looked relaxed. And it looked straight at Loki, who was now sitting in a small caricature of a safari car that poked into the enclosure. It was some sort of tourist attraction, to be able to see the lions better and for kids to play pretend. It had plastic windows and a safety grid on the lions’ side.
Despite being in the zoo a few times already when he was a kid, he got to sit in the car only once. It was always crowded, but his outgoing brother Thor decided it was their turn to play and scared other kids sitting inside into leaving. Sure, he got a timeout later that day, because the other children obviously told on him to their parents and the parents told Thor's father. At home Thor told him it was still worth it because Loki wouldn't want to go inside with so many other people around. He was seven. It had been almost seventeen years. It was so much nicer without other people around, only accompanied by the gently drumming of the rain drops. Only there was a person missing.
Loki took out his sketchbook and favourite pencil from the bag and started sketching. The big male was not the only animal, there were also a few lionesses scattered around under other trees and some even walking in the rain, stretching their muscles. Loki once read that animals become more active in zoos during bad weather, because there's no people to bother them. He would also hide if he were an animal watched by hundreds of people every week.
This Lion however looked like he took pride in Loki drawing him. It was almost as if he posed, looking straight into his direction but not really at him. He laid in the same exact pose most people imagine lions in. His giant paws directly in front of him pressing on the soft grass, head turned to the side to face Loki, chin slightly down. Massive shoulders transformed into the hind legs with an elegant curve of his sloped back. Flicking tail laying loosely on the ground. It didn't even move its head once, as if it knew it made Loki drawing him easier. The more still the reference, the more detailed the sketch he could make.
“Tony's such an attention seeker, isn't he?” Loki startled, scratching the pencil on the paper too far while sketching the mane. He cursed softly and looked up to see a man dressed in casual clothes and a jacket with the zoo logo. “Sorry. Not many people visit in this weather.” He hummed thoughtfully.
The man had long-ish golden hair and honey tanned skin. He looked a bit like a lion Loki was drawing. His demeanor was calm and he looked at Loki with calculating, blue eyes. There was a welcoming smile on his lips, though. He was… easy on the eyes, to say at least.
“You're a zookeeper.” It was more of a statement than a question, but the man nodded nonetheless. His hair was also a bit wet, even though he stood under a colorful umbrella. He then closed it and sat down in the car next to him, but not too close. Loki respected that.
“And you're an artist.” That was a pretty obvious statement about Loki, but nobody ever called him that. Not many people knew about Loki's hobby, but those who did, never phrased it like that. He was just a person whose work was to draw. Not a person who liked to create, bring things to life on his own canvas, as if using magic. There was a warmth in Loki's chest, even at something so seemingly insignificant. It made Loki confused. “Tony is a particular one. He likes posing for photos people make, he liked the attention. Sometimes I feel like he is aware that we humans see him as a magnificent beast. He embraces that role.”
“You think animals can understand such complicated concepts as that? Understand that they are perceived by other life forms differently? Even some humans can't do that.” Loki scoffed. There were so many egoistical people who couldn't grasp the concept of others not thinking the same as them.
“I think animals understand more than we think they do. Tell me, then, why else is Tony so keen on having a camera pointed at him almost all of the day? There's no natural instinct nor natural law that can describe that behavior.” The zookeeper suggested and Loki had to hum in agreement. It was a valid point.
“Maybe he associates people with food? I'm not an expert in animal psychology.” He answered and looked back into the cage where Tony the lion was still posing. The man was looking at him intensively and it was difficult not to get lost in his nice eyes.
“We don't feed him when there are a lot of people around, and definitely not with a camera in hand so no. But good guess.” A pause. “Can I see?”
“What?” He startled, turning his face to the zookeeper again.
“The drawing. Of course, I understand if not.” The man had something in his gaze that made Loki feel like he was incapable of having bad intentions. It was such a relaxed, open expression, that Loki handed him his sketchbook without a second thought.
“I'm Adam, by the way. Sorry, I should have introduced myself sooner.” He looked so apologetic Loki might have forgiven him if he murdered someone. “Oh…”
Adam's eyebrows were drawn together now and Loki looked at what the man was looking at. The stark line of dark gray cut through carefully sketched mane, a result of Adam's surprising arrival. Before the man could look even more guilty, Loki, for some godforsaken reason, started talking. “It's nothing really, I have an eraser.”
It sounded weak and uncertain even in Loki's ears, devoid of usual snark and unpleasantness. Adam sighed.
“Still I should have been more careful.” He gave Loki a soft smile. “You have talent though. Are you an art student?”
“I work as a comic artist.” He was planning to only give a vague answer but Adam looked interested in what Loki had to say so he relented and continued. “I do ink work. I work from home, if you are wondering why I'm here in the middle of a work day.”
Loki doesn't know what makes him so… open... when talking to Adam. He had only known him for, what, a few minutes? Adam's openness was contagious, Loki assumed. When can he not elaborate when the zookeeper is looking at him with those pretty, curious eyes?
Loki really should stop thinking about him this way. It's not that he liked liked the man, it's just that he was exactly Loki's type by looks.
“Ah, that explains everything. I don't think I have seen any visitor other than you today. Only the workers are here. Besides the animals of course. You're an unusual sight, but not an unwelcome one.” Adam smiled warmly and gave him back the sketchbook. “Still, why would you choose this weather, when it's raining? You could have come in the afternoon, it shouldn't have been raining then.”
“I heard animals are more active when not a lot of people are around.” ‘ And I don't like to be around people either’ was left unsaid, but Adam didn't pry. He just cocked his head to the side, intrigued.
“I see, can't draw an animal if it hides, no? You’re right, by the way. They are more active on rainy days.” Adam stood up but Loki could still feel the warmth he left behind. “I must go, but I hope we meet again, my friend.”
Loki didn't say anything, but he stared after the man until he disappeared around another enclosure. By the time Loki left the zoo there were two additional drawings in his sketchbook, one of which wasn't of a lion.
—
That night, he dreamt of a gorgeous golden lion he and Thor saw the first time they visited the zoo. Loki found his seven year old self following his older brother who dragged him by their linked hands around the place. They hurried past weird looking squirrels with wings, and Loki was certain it was the same image he had in mind when he first heard about flying squirrels. Now they just look ridiculous.
They ran into the building. Thor giggled innocently as he nagged him on, ignoring their parents’ shout to slow down. Heavy oak doors opened with a squeak and a new, colorful world greeted Loki's eyes. It was full of fantastical, tropical plants closed off in glass containers of various sizes. Then, when Loki was trying to remember which part of the zoo it was, or if it was even real, he heard Thor's shout.
“Look! Those are even cooler than lions!” His brother said excitedly, laying both of his then small hands on the glass.
Loki stepped closer and saw a small but long reptile. It was definitely a snake, although what kind, Loki was unsure. The sign that usually tells the names of and information about animals in the zoo was blurred, as Loki's memory was foggy.
“I wanna have one.” Loki was startled by Thor suddenly jumping away from the glass. “Mom! Dad! Can you buy me one? Pleaseee!!”
Loki scrunched his face at the volume of his voice. Thor’s voice was never quiet. The snake was looking at him almost as if waiting for something, and flicked its forked tongue. When Loki moved to place his hand on the glass, suddenly there was nothing but air in the way. With a gasp he fell into now open container and his hand fell directly at something scaly that hissed. Before Loki could react, the snake bit down and-
“Loki?”
He woke up, shooting upwards with wide eyes. It was… not a nightmare, exactly. It was just surprising. The morning was slow, going exactly like every other morning of Loki's for the past few years. Coffee, breakfast, watching some boring TV show in the meantime, and then work.
He checked the mail, got all the pages he had to ink from the penciller, and immediately got to work. Loki preferred to start early, because that's when he was the most productive. He didn't like working at noon. Having the ability to choose his own hours of work was quite a privilege and Loki used it to its limits.
He had been working for quite some time before he was interrupted. His phone, which was playing his spotify playlist, buzzed with a notification. It was nothing unusual, maybe his higher up changed his deadlines again. Instead, he saw a text notification. From an unknown number. He froze as he read its content.
‘Loki, I know you don't want to see me, but please, we have to talk. I won't stop trying until we meet again. Please.’
The air around him became rigid and he placed the phone back on the table, screen-side down. With stiff movements Loki stood up from his workplace and, grabbing his back from yesterday where his sketchbook still remained, he left his apartment.
—
It was almost 11 am, which was perfect. The weather was quite good, the sun was shining high, so when Loki entered the zoo he wasn't surprised to see a few visitors scattered throughout the zoo. Still, Loki met nobody on his path to the terrarium. It was full of amphibians and reptiles, some of which Loki recognized thanks to his obsession with snakes during elementary school.
Old wooden doors opened easily when he pushed them, a hall full of glass containers greeted him. Loki wandered deeper, seeking a place to sit. He passed enclosures of a few turtles and tortoises, frogs and lizards, before he finally found a narrow, cushioned bench and opposite of that, a snake coiled tightly around half-decayed tree branches. It had beautiful, glittering black scales with some red tones right on the lower side of its head. It was a magnificent, long reptile, that was not similar to a snake Loki had met when he was younger, and in his dreams at all.
When he reached into his bag to take out his sketchbook, Loki realised he had left his phone and nearly everything else at home. Only his sketchbook, a pencil and a handful of money he had used to enter the zoo. Brushing off the problem for now, he took out the necessary tools and started creating. He had barely made a few strokes before a familiar voice reached his ears, breaching the calming silence.
“I didn't anticipate seeing you here so soon.” Loki turned around, a little bit startled, but he wouldn't let it show. He was met with blue eyes swimming with interest and curiosity. Adam's face was so open and warm, like he was seeing someone he loved. And, oh boy, it worked on Loki like a charm. He could have melted right here and there, despite the whole building having pleasant air-conditioning that kept a steady cool in the room.
The man was dressed in a similar uniform as the day before. He was leaning a bit too, presumably trying to take a look at what Loki was drawing. Realizing he was staring, Loki finally answered. “How could I not return today when there are such beautiful specimens here?”
If Loki wasn't talking necessarily about animals, nobody had to know. Adam just cocked his head and hummed.“Well, then I suppose you would love to see Natasha up close, hmm?”
Before Loki could even answer, Adam straightened up and reached for some keys that were dangling from his belt. He fumbled with them for a moment, mumbling something under his breath, before finally finding a small, red key. Without a word, he pushed the key into the keyhole and opened the enclosure.
“What are you-" Loki’s eyes were widened. What kind of zookeeper takes out, from the look of it, more than a two meter snake without even gloves? When Adam saw his shocked expression, he laughed and reached into the glass box.
“This is Nat. She is a female black indigo snake. Don't worry, she is not venomous and she isn't dangerous at all. I've been handling her for years now and she never attacked me, or anyone who was with me.” He took out the snake out of its enclosure, the giant reptile wrapped around his shoulders without protest like a scarf. Loki was sure this guy had to be some sort of snake whisperer, because he had never seen a snake be so docile and genuinely looking like it was enjoying itself while interacting with a human. Maybe Adam was simply impossible to not like. “I actually came in here for a routine health check, so I'd take her out even if you weren't there. How about you use that coincidence to get a better reference for your drawing?”
Natasha flicked her forked tongue in Loki’s direction and he couldn't help but still feel dumbfounded. Adam was unlike anyone Loki had ever met. He was so nice to him, it actually made Loki feel like he was going to throw up from all that sweetness he could almost physically taste emanating from Adam. And well… the man was gorgeous, and honestly I'd be a crime to not include him in a sketch he was making. So, Loki agreed and erased his previous pencil strokes, in favour of replacing it with a human silhouette.
He watched in silence as Adam checked over the snake, handling her gently and guiding her sleek body around his arm to look over all the scales in search of any possible discoloration or swelling. He worked slowly and patiently, his hands moving precisely and carefully. Loki could see the care Adam put into handling animals and found himself questioning if he isn't falling for the same tactics the man uses with animals. Talking to them softly, with a smile and warmth usually only reserved for the closest family. Looking at them as if they were all as aware as Adam was, treating them like humans. Understanding their wild nature, but instead of trying to contain it, he simply welcomed it with open arms and praise.
There was something in that moment that made Loki put down the pencil and just look. Look at Adam's focused expression, a barely noticeable uplift of his lips as Natasha climbed on his head. It was, unlike any other moment in Loki's life, peaceful. And there, somewhere inside him, was a burning jealousy and self-loathing eating him alive, coiling around him like a snake hunting its dinner. Why wasn't he like this? Why wasn't there a person in his life that loved Loki the same way Adam loved those animals? Because Loki fucked up his whole life, and he didn't deserve to have someone like Adam love him. Because Odin had fucked Loki up beyond saving and all that was left was a shell of old verion of Loki that used to be lovable.
The new, current version of Loki was full of pent up resentment and coolness that made him freeze from the inside out, infecting everyone he touched. Now, he felt like he was intruding on Adam's peace, the scared animal inside him just waiting for a right moment to bite . Loki was sure that no matter how good Adam was with animals, he wouldn't be able to stop the wild, bitter beast inside Loki from sinking its bloody teeth into the man's flesh. Hell, even Loki wouldn't be able to stop it. Himself .
Suddenly Loki was feeling like he was in a cage, with a vision of better life mockingly placed in front of him, but he was too cowardly to reach for it, too scared of destroying this small piece of this fucked up world that maybe wasn't corrupted with human greed and animosity.
“You never told me your name, by the way.” Loki snapped out of his miserable mind and looked at the man with piercing eyes. He had ended the check up and was not just holding Natasha in his arms, probably ready to put her down. “And yet you know not only my name, but the names of my animals.”
Introducing himself was such a simple thing and Loki failed even in that . He sighed internally. Just great. “I'm Loki.”
“Nice to meet you then, Loki. Have you finished your drawing? I should put her down soon.” Loki glanced at the sketch and nodded. It wasn't his best work, but it'd do. He couldn't help but notice how he put more effort into drawing Adam than Natasha.
As Adam put Natasha back into her enclosure, Loki closed his sketchbook and hurriedly put it back in his bag. He wanted to run, he shouldn't have come. The zookeeper noticed Loki's intent as he was closing the glass doors and stopped what he was doing to scan Loki with his eyes. The expression on his face was unreadable. “You plan on coming again soon?”
The question stopped Loki's poor attempt at looking like he was completely fine and simply had other matters to attend to. “Why do you ask?”
Loki internally smacked himself at how harsh the question sounded. He could have said ‘Mind your own business’ with that kind of tone instead, and it'd carry the same message. Adam either didn't notice or decided to ignore it, and answered with honesty.
“I simply enjoy your company.” Loki knew it was a lie. He was barely any company, considering he didn't talk much and the emotions he displayed on his face usually ranged from disinterest to annoyance.
Loki narrowed his eyes and stole a glance at Adam's face. Did he have ulterior motives in befriending him? He knew people didn't often deem him likable enough to go beyond the point of being acquaintances. Seeing Loki’s disbelieving gaze, Adam deflated a little but the soft smile never left his lips. Loki wanted to disappear.
“It's true. There's something calming about your presence, and I don't like being alone. Having company when usually I wouldn't is much welcome.” Loki looked at him with interest. He knew what the man was implying. Or at least he understood it that way. Adam liked having people around, even if it was simply the fact of them being there, sitting together in silence. “Sometimes, after having so many extroverted people around, I just want to be around someone. I feel like you understand that.”
That man was reading him better than his therapist did. It both terrified Loki, because one day he might see something Loki didn't want him to see, but simultaneously it lit a bit of hope in Loki's chest. Hope of being understood. His train of thoughts was interrupted as Adam continued.
“That's why I like being around those animals.” He looked fondly at Natasha, who seemed to be looking right back at him, with the same fondness. That's when Loki realized he should probably answer the question, if he wanted to keep this little beacon of hope in his life. He sighed and surrendered to the part of him that wasn't a scared, cornered animal.
“Yes, I do understand that. And I'll be coming here. I- There's no people here when I come so it's a good place for practicing.” Loki didn't know why exactly he felt the need to explain himself to Adam, but he hummed with understanding.
“Are you having some project that makes you practice drawing animals in particular?”
“Yes.” Loki lied, as he stood up looking at the exit. “I should go.”
“I'll see you soon then. Take care, Loki.” With that, Loki left the golden-haired man alone.